Back 2 School Mom

Art Class 2011

2012-01-25T09:23:00.013-05:00

This was a Ink Wash I had to do. I choose a
Georgia O'Keefe painting as my inspiration and used sea shells my boys collected from a trip we took to Myrtle Beach two years ago.

These four pictures were my Final Project for the class. I choose Interiors as my subject and Charcoal as my medium. I was blessed as a great friend of ours allowed me to use their house as my interior.

This was my first interior I attempted in class.

The class was very intense and demanding but I learned a lot, as it was my first classical drawing class. I was challenge by the teacher constantly, not always in a positive way, but it led me to improving with each day. I was so glad to have taken this class. I have more portraits but they are figure drawings of nude models so I will just keep them to myself. I would not want to post them without the approval of the models so they will just have to stay in my portfolio. I am really hoping to move on to painting next semester. We will see how things go.

Psychology 110

2012-01-25T08:08:00.006-05:00

Last night's hour drive to class allowed for much pondering. The afternoon was a mad dash to get the boys homework finished and wrapped up, and then getting dinner in the oven before heading out the door. There is a half hour segment of time where my oldest son, Shaggy, holds down the fort until my husband arrives from work adding to the already building anxiety.

All that time driving left me feeling guilting about being a mom and a student. Am I doing the right thing? Am I abandoning my kids? Other moms just stay home and I am off finishing my education; am I a bad mom? Lovely thoughts like these bounced around my brain as I sat staring at the highway speeding by in front of me.

The night class schedule is new to me. I have been able to take classes while the boys are in school or online up until now. This semester I had to take two night classes and I can feel the guilt they are producing in me. I just have to reassure myself that this is a good thing for our entire family and it is a positive experience for my kids to see that education is important.

The class itself is a mixed bag of traditional students and Adult Education Program majors. The young kids in the class just talked about the dumbest things. All I heard last night was about horses and the the course load these kids have. Believe me as a mom returning to school they have nothing to complain about. I wish my only concern was how to fit riding classes into my study schedule.

*Just a little side note Wilson College has an equestrian program and veterinarian program so lots of the students who live on campus work with the horses to some degree.

So back to the class, the professor is a very typical Psychology Professor. I have had three Psych classes now and each prof seems to be the same: not personable or approachable and gruff. I have been really spoiled by nice profs so far, except for an Art professor last semester but I would have to explain her in an entire post by itself.

My drive home consisted of getting a phone call from my kids telling me goodnight and wanting to hear my voice before bed. It's strange to leave a class after learning about Freud and Phineas Gage and then hear you kids telling you all about The Biggest Loser and what I missed at home. I feel like I am straddling two worlds; a mom and a student. You never fully leave one or the other but carefully try to balance all the plates so they keep spinning and don't fall down.

Today will consist of exercising, finishing up my J-Term class that overlapped with my Spring Semester, and preparing for another afternoon and evening of running around as I head to my Education class tonight at a local High School. I just have to keep looking at the larger picture and the end goal. I will post some of my pictures from my Art class I took last semester. I was hoping to add a minor to my major in Art Studio but we will have to see if I can fit that all in to my already bursting schedule.

Reinventing Myself and this Old Blog

2012-01-24T08:15:00.004-05:00

After allowing this blog to become dormant and unattended I have decided to reinvent the mission of this blog. I am now calling it "Back 2 School Mom". Over the past year I have reinvented myself as a college student and so I thought I would do the same here.

Truthfully, my life has changed so much I had a hard time writing about motherhood and kids because things are different. All three boys are in school. I have 2 in middle school and 1 third grader. My days consist of keeping up with them, the house, my husband and my own schooling. I felt with a new mission for this blog I could re-engage with new passion to write again.

So here I will chronicle my journey as a mom returning to school after a very long hiatus. I have now been attending college for a year but just transferred to my 4 year school Wilson College. I will be pursuing my degree in Elementary Education.

Tonight is my first class of theSpring 12' semester and today is my first post for the new look.

I look forward to sharing my victories, struggles and pain of being a mom/wife and heading back to school. We will see how things go, eh!

Applying for College

2011-10-11T13:10:00.002-04:00

After all these years since I last attended College, I am sitting at my computer filling out an application to Wilson College. Yep, filling out the application and writing an essay. It seems all surreal. Time, effort, work and tears all culminating into an application. If I pursue Wilson College instead of my first option of PennState, I will actually be finishing school sooner.

WOw, the light is now shining at the end of the tunnel for me and it just seemed to far to even touch.

So now to see what the response will be. Life is always an unpredictable journey, but always a rush with enough adventure in it to fill scores of films!

Studying

2011-09-27T21:35:00.003-04:00

Tonight I am studying for a math exam. Life has changes so much since my last blog post. Let me explain...

-I am currently enrolled as a Sophmore at my community college in the Education Degree path.

-I am still at home with my kids but we now officially have a teenager and one more closely on his brothers heels.

-My husband is starting to travel again for work blech!

-I am mentoring middle schoolers on my free time, which I am realizing I don't have any more of.

-I am doing 20 hrs of classroom observations at an Elementary school.

-I am doing art projects out the wahzoo because I thought it would be great to take an art class for fun.

-I still cook, clean and do everything else I did before.

- I teaching Wed. night at our church's Scrimage (a class for 3rd grade boys, what was I thinking and also volunteering as a buddy every other week for a child with special needs in Children's Ministry.

So needless to say my plate is full or to quote the Word, "Pressed down, shaken together and overflowing." I am not sure how I managed to get myself here but I am and I am bound and determined to make it out to the other side. So, here's to late nights of studying, lots of coffee, and long days of craziness!

Highlights of Cranberry Lake, NY

2011-05-31T08:42:00.003-04:00

We went camping for Memorial Weekend to an amazing state park in upstate NY, called Cranberry Lake. If you ever want to go to a beautiful lake camping, I highly recommend this park. It was breath taking. Here are some highlights:

*DK passed out after cutting his finger with his pocket knife. My Knight just stood there and stared at him asking me what was he doing. I then proceeded to explain the poor kid just passed out. I had to go to DK's rescue as Scott was just not getting the picture.

*We spent the first night in the van because of a lighting storm too close for comfort. Oh, the fun of camping.

*It rained every day but the sun came out once and a while.

*DK almost set my sweatshirt on fire, kind of did set it on fire, but I put it out quickly. He was trying to smoke out the mosquitos with a branch that was on fire and the embers landed on my sleeve.

*We took a 5 mile kayak trip around the lake. Not the entire lake because it is 50 miles around. It took us 5 miles because we kind of got lost. Yes, I know, we got lost on a lake.

*I studied and did homework on vacation, that was a first.

*DK whizzed right in front of someone's camp site when we were hiking when I told him he could take a whiz outside instead of running all the way back to the bathrooms. The kid forgot to hide behind a tree and get off the trail.

*My Knight was in his glory as the Fire Lord of the weekend, tending every camp fire inspite of the rain.

*I taught the boys and Scott how to play Poker (5 Card Stud). We played for M&M's and boy, were the boy's ruthless when it comes to candy.

*I was actually sick and on antibiotics for the weekend but I kept my chin up and went on with life. What's camping without me getting sick?

Overall we had a wonderful trip. We have decided that if a camping trip goes perfect without any problems or difficulties then we will give up camping all together. Camping isn't about the wilderness experiences but the funny stories you come home with.

Artistically Inspired Once Again

2011-05-20T09:19:00.002-04:00

After a period of no creativity I got inspired to work with the boys with

art again. We are creating a Superhero Wall Mural with canvas's.

Shaggy is tackling Green Lantern.

Drama King is working on Batman, but of course!

And Rocker has Flash because he says he is like the Flash.

We were given a whole pile of comic books, some of them not really appropriate. So instead of just throwing them all away we are going to rip them up to make a comic book page mosaic. The boys worked on the blocking in of their pictures yesterday and filling in the backgrounds. This weekend we will start the mosaic. It was fun to see them get excited about it. I will be working on Superman since this is project going in their bedroom. They didn't want me to work on Wonder Woman! :-)

Transition & Changes

2011-05-05T11:43:00.002-04:00

Transition and change are typically ugly words. We don't like them and we don't like to go through them. I know I don't. Right now my family and I are in a big transition and change. We left the church we had known for 13 years and are re-establishing ourselves some where else. It has been HUGE. For me, our prior church was the only church I have really ever known, so leaving felt like leaving home. I grew up sporadically attending churches here and there but never longer than a 2 year period. Then by the time I turned 12 or so my parents never attended another church again.

So this time of transition has been really rough on me. I know this is a part of God's plans and we left on very cordial terms, but it doesn't take away the sadness. Unfortunately, some wounds were acquired at our old church, and trust in leadership was greatly damaged. I am finding myself struggling to trust leadership in our new church because of these past wounds. It's not that I haven't gone after healing in those areas, but after learning to duck all the time, you still flinch when you think your going to get hit. It will take some time, I know.

The boys have entered this new transition with open arms as they feel more accepted into this new Body and my Knight has also transitioned well. Me on the other hand, has a lot of trust issues to move through. I also don't want to be used again by ministry so I am moving at the pace of molasses.

My return to school corresponded to our church transition and that has helped me to continue to move forward and not get stuck. I want to love and forgive and move on, but I realize it will be one small step at a time. Transitions and changes come in all shapes and forms so it shouldn't have surprised me that one day we would come to a transition and change within our local church. I just hope our new Body extends some mercy towards me if I seem a little skittish around them; I am still ducking a lot more then I would like to.

Open Ended Stories & Mysteries

2011-05-02T13:12:00.002-04:00

It's funny how our culture has really walked away from mysteries and open ended stories. Not only our culture but also the Christian world. We don't like to refer to God as a mystery or acknowledge that we don't know why He does what He does and most of the time we don't like to hear open ended stories of believers.

What am I talking about, you ask? Well, let me try to clarify...

Open-ended stories are stories without a conclusion. It's basically life. Life is a journey not a destination. Our culture is striving for a destination and not a journey. We want the American dream, Hollywood lifestyle or something to that effect. We want to arrive or achieve or reach our dreams but we don't accept that life is simply a never ending journey. We frustrate ourselves with the unattainable this side of heaven.

Life this side of Heaven is an unfinished symphony. We accomplish one goal and then immediately are confronted with new opportunities and challenges. But ultimately we will die with countless unfinished projects and goals. That's okay. God is at work taking care of the universe. -Peter Scazzero

In our church culture we also don't like open-ended stories. We want testimonies of great victories and triumphs and how we as Christians can some how attain a level of Christianity where we no longer struggle. Don't tell me about he kid in youth group who is still struggling with drugs. Don't tell me about the woman who still struggles with depression. We don't like the stories that don't have a great conclusion. In all honesty though, those are the real stories. Peoples struggles and battles are real life. Life never ends this side of heaven. I have battled depress for years and have made huge strides, but guess what? I still struggle. I still have to tell my self to get out of bed each morning and believe and hope in something that is completely outside of me. I still wrestle with my emotions. My journey is not complete and I would be a fool to deny that. Testimonies give us stories of hope and faith but let us not think that is the end all. Let us agree that we will have ups and downs, victories and defeats and all this make up life. Just because we are not always wining or succeeding doesn't mean we have lost the battle as Christians, we are on an adventure with God.

We also have a hard time with the mysteries of God. Lately I have seen God become a certainty. If you pray this way you will get healed, if you do this you will be blessed with prosperity and if you pray this God will protect you. Now don't get me wrong, I believe in the promises of God that He is our provider, healer and protector but He is also the one in charge, not me. Just because I pray a certain way doesn't mean my prayers will be answered. For example, I wanted another child. I was told by countless loving Christians to stand and demand my miracle. They told me God had to answer me. For three hard years I stood and cried out to God. Guess what, God told me last year that wasn't in His plans for me. What???? I prayed though! I know His promise and others told me they did the same thing and He gave them a child, why not me? Am I not holy enough?

No, God just had other plans. I made God and His promises into a certain formula and He just reminded me He is a mystery. Sometimes we pray and God heals immediately and sometimes He doesn't. Sometimes He protects us and sometimes bad things happen to good people. If God is a formula then when those bad things or disappointments happen we falter. But if we acknowledged He is a mystery above our own understanding then we must have faith in HIm and trust His judgment.

Let us go on this uncertain and mysterious adventure of life knowing that we will have troubles, we still stumble and fall and we will not always understand the why's of life. Let us acknowledge that it is OK to not know God's ways all the times and to just enjoy our adventure. That's what makes an adventure so much more exciting than a destination. We don't know what we will encounter or even where we will go but we are willing to seek out what ever mystery, or challenge life can throw at us, holding on to the one true promise of God, which is He will never leave us or forsake us. I will run the race and acknowledge that my finish line is not this side of heaven. I will also acknowledge that God doesn't really care how many times you fall br if you are the greatest runner out there but that you keep running.

Spring Semester Is Almost Over!

2011-04-29T12:42:00.002-04:00

In a world where school is for all ages, I went back to college. I just finished up one of my online courses and will finish my other class within the week. Going back to college at 34 is strange, exciting and very different than when I was in my late teens early 20's.

I am going back to get my teaching certification. I look forward to one day teaching in a classroom full of 1st-4th graders.

It has been an eventful journey but I am glad to be on it. Now to finish up this coming week with Spring Semester and then get ready for Summer I Semester May 24th. I am back in school!

How many people does it take to tie down Kayaks???

2011-04-04T14:24:00.002-04:00

In our family all 5! Three to run around and drive the two, that are actually doing the work, crazy. The two actually doing the work than argue for a good 30 minutes about how they get tied up. So for a 2 hour paddle on the lake it took us 1 & 1/2 hours to tie everything down again. Our maiden voyage was a blast for SPRING 2011 and we are looking forward to many more trips.

Is it OK for our children to wrestle with their belief in God?

2011-01-11T08:37:00.003-05:00

Have you ever considered that one day your son or daughter would tell you that they don't know whether they believe in God or not? To most Christians it would alarm and greatly dismay them as parents. My question though is it really such a bad thing? This past weekend we had a great dinner conversation about God. I asked our boys (8, 11 & 12 year in age) do they really believe in God? My 8 year old quickly replied with and exuberant "Yes!" Our 11 year old said with a little less enthusiasm "Sure" and our 12 year old said "I don't know, could there be other things out there?"

At first I wanted to be afraid at his response but then I heard the Lord say "I'm not". See Shaggy our oldest is going to turn 13 this year. It is the age many call the "Age of Accountability". Basically it is when the Lord holds you accountable for your actions because you no longer are considered a child. We have been preparing him this past year with this big transition.

A couple years ago my husband and I taught a class for parents on how to teach your children to hear the voice of God. One of our challenges to parents was to make sure that you allow your child to have his own belief of God and not follow solely off of your beliefs. We gave the illustration of a camp fire. It's great that the kids can come to your campfire and warm themselves but when they leave they need to have that fire go with them or they will grow cold. They will not always be by your fire.

I truly believe Shaggy is there. It is time for him to build his own fire. In that process though you need to teach them how to find the right supplies. Sometimes they pick up things that would not make a great fire or even burn for that matter but we must let them learn.

Scott and I choose not to shame Shaggy or place fear in his life about his thoughts and feelings but just ask questions back. Right now is a safe time for Shaggy to wrestle. He is still in the safety of our home and under our authority. I believe when kids are following their parents beliefs and all of a sudden get thrown out into the "real" world without their own strongly founded convictions that's when trouble happens. They "explore" outside of the safety.

Jacob had to wrestle with God. Before that point Jacob referred to God as the God of his forefathers. He did not call him his own. He knew God existed but didn't have that relationship with him that was personal. After wrestling with God one night and the Lord literally popping his hip out Jacob called God his own.

It may take each of my sons a time of wrestling with God. It may even take a point of pain and discomfort for them to have their own fire lit inside of them but I am willing to allow them that time. I will pray and ask many questions to provoke their thoughts but they must come to their own conclusions.

At the end of our conversation with Shaggy I realized that deep down inside he truly does believe it's just the enemy seeking to rob him of that truth. Instead of feeding into the enemy's plans with my own fear I will allow the Lord to use all things to His glory. See unknown to the enemy this time of wrestling will ultimately change Shaggy's identity but for the glory of God. What the enemy meant for evil God will redeem and then this area in Shaggy's life will be that much stronger.

So personally I will allow them to doubt, God does and did. He didn't mind Thomas. I don't think he gets upset with the doubters it's those who think they know everything about Him that becomes a problem. Doubting just means there is great areas for growth and God is for that!

Living A Life Worthy of Something, Anger/Fear & Change

2010-12-02T10:02:00.004-05:00

I haven't had a blog entry in forever and I know I am writing to myself. :-) But that's OK David spoke to his soul many times in the Bible so I feel I can do the same.

I am in the trenches right now fighting a battle I don't feel I have the strength to fight. I want a life worthy of something. I want to live life to the fullest but how? So much has changed this year. So many heartaches and rejections and battles. After a while you become battle weary. Have you ever seen Band of Brothers? It is an eye opening movie experience of what the men faced during WWII on the front lines. At one point the group is stuck in a forest and is getting the beating of a life time from a German artillary corp across the field from them. Many of their "brothers" died. I believe it was a year or more they were there living in fox holes in wintery conditions without supplies. The German Army had surrounded them. They get to a point where they don't ever react during the shelling. They are litterally shell shocked.

I am at that point. Just tired, weary and shell shocked. I hate it. Then anger and fear raise it's ugly head and I am stuck in my fox hole. Paralyzed by fear I can't even move.

I thought I knew what my life was supposed to look like. I thought I knew the ending of the book...silly for me to presume that since I am not the author of it.What I was told I would do as part of my "destiny" is actually no longer true. What I though I knew as certantiy is now very uncertain. I am on a new journey now and that is frightening. See I am in the fox hole and my way out to safety is to move, but my fear of something new is keeping me in my hole thus making me suceptiable to the enemy's fire.

So I have gone to taking baby steps. Right now I am creeping up to the ledge of the hole looking for my next move. Eventually I will get out but after a year like this one I am doing a lot of creeping and not running. The picture above is of my sons at a Military Museum near us. It is a reconstruction of a trench from WWI. This trip opened my eyes again to battle and war. It is ugly and painful. I definitely could see why it was hard to get the troops out of the trenches to make a charge on the enemy. You have to become vunerable to attack and even ready to face death. Even though you are not 100% safe in the trenches you get this disullusioned idea your safe. In fact there were just as many dangers down there as out on the feild with the shellings, rats, sickness and so forth.

Well this has been quite the rambling. Now I just need to keep going. I need to keep moving forward even at the slow pace I am going. I want to live a life worthy of something to overcome my anger and fear and embrace the change. It's just going to take me one step at a time but I believe I will come through this eventually.

Picking Up THe Pieces

2010-09-02T13:08:00.002-04:00

That seems to be a revolving theme in my life. Sometimes its picking up the pieces of my past life and the pain and struggles I endured early on and sometimes its the present day circumstances that lay shattered at my feet. I wonder "Is it God, is it satan, is it me?" I then ask the age old question "Why God?" but like many who journeyed this path before me silence fills the air as no answer ensues. So what to do?

I have gotten angry with God (no surprise there you know that's happened before and seems to be my default response), angry with my husband (because he is the only thing in my life that resembles God with skin on so hence the anger towards him which is actual anger towards God) and angry with myself. There have been quite a few disappointments lately and hurts that have not healed completely and I just wonder how much more. I want to love God with all my heart, soul and mind but part of me doesn't want to trust. Maybe God is doing this, maybe I am the one person He doesn't actually love.

See this all goes back to my past. I lived in a household where love was given and revoked and demanded. One minute you were told you were loved then the next you were told you stepped out of that love and everything was taken away. There were even times you were threatened that love would be withheld if you did the wrong thing. Love was confusing and hurtful and completely mangled in my life. Unfortunately as much as I know God loves me unconditionally these beliefs are still there and they pop up when I feel God is absent or has abandoned me.

So now I pick up the pieces and start afresh. I have my down moments where I want to stick my head in a hole and my heart in outer space so no one can touch it and then I realize I can't stay there. I brush my self off and pick up the broken pieces of my hopes, dreams and heart. I hand them back to God and you know what He just embraces them and me. Even to the point where like shards of glass in His hands He holds me so close that my broken pieces pierce His hands and draws HIs blood.

Never will He stop holding me. Not even when my pain causes Him pain. I guess that's what started this in the first place. My pain, our pain, the worlds pain is what Jesus was pierced with on the cross as He embraced the Father and the Father embraced the world.

Working Through The Pain

2010-07-26T15:15:00.003-04:00

It's been quite a while since writing something...I have thought about going on here and trying to put into words the battle I have been facing but I would just end up staring at the cursor blinking off and on. The empty page seemed to sum up my heart at that time.

Right now I am working through the pain. It seems the Lord has allowed us to face an all out assault on our family for His purposes. Dissapointments, hurts, financial pain, emotional wounding, betrayal and much, much more. I thought I left the pain of wanting another child until I went without my period for 3 months and then convinced myself I was pregnant. My hopes were eventually dashed and the reality of never being able to carry another child again hit home. I know many talk to me about adopting and that is a strong avenue but you will never be able to take that longing away from me to want to feel a life growing inside of me. It's there and it hurts. I can't even be happy for others right now when I hear so-and-so is pregnant. We have prayed for 7 years now and the bleakness of that prayer ever coming to pass has just overwhelmed me.

Our Pastor recently spoke on being a Son & Daughter of God vs a servant of God. Whether he intentionally or unintentionally meant to he prefaced the sermon with testimonies of what a Son or Daughter looks like. These testimonies were everything going right, all the favor you could ever have and prayers being answered left and right. So then where does it leave us? What happens when God goes silent and prayers are delayed and problems come? Are we no longer Sons & Daughters? Are we now slaves & servants?

I don't believe so but I don't think giving testimonies of everything going right all the time are great either. We live in a fallen world and more times then not we need to hear about the struggles. Did you know that the word "hem" in Ps. 139:5 is not a happy word? We pray that a lot in our church meetings that God would "hem" us in when in actuality that means to crush, to imprison on all sides and to besiege by the hand of God. That's right I am not talking enemies coming against you I mean God is doing this. That is where we are right now "hemmed" in. Not only are we "hemmed" in but then the vs. continues to tell us God even has His hand on top of us. Now we are in God's own trash compactor. Yeah, think next time someone prays that over you.

This is not a fun place. It is a hard place. It is a place where you come face to face with your pain, your inadequacies, your beliefs are challenged and you wonder briefly is God a loving God? I do beleive He is but I am honest enough to tell you it does not make it one bit easier. You see others going through life right as rain and all the while you are getting hammered. What's wrong with this picture. So right now I am sitting in this "hemmed" in place. I cry a lot and my heart aches as though it has been torn from my chest at times and I desperately want some answers but then I am left to sit again in this dark lonely place. Like David though I will come through...hopefully. I will learn more and strengthen in areas that were weak but I don't like it. I want to have a baby, I want to not be hit by one more financial bombshell, I want some answers to prayers and I want to feel the joy of the Lord again. So I will wait for that season to come and work through the pain of this one. At least I can say I am still here. I haven't given up, at least not yet.

No Hope Left

2010-06-03T09:09:00.003-04:00

I feel as though I have had the wind knocked out of me. As though everything I thought was reality has come crashing down around me and I am left with a void. I am not in a good place right now. I am angry with God. Yes I said it and mean it. I have lost hope in him and many other things and people.

I am tired of fighting this battle with no ending. I have fought since I was born and it just isn't worth fighting any more. I have been called a liar and rejected by family and lived a life of sacrifice for what? You know what though? God actually is not fazed by my attitude or lose of hope. If he is as big as everyone says he is than he is OK with me not being happy with him.

I can't stand watching friends go through hell and their family members die and people who say they are real not be. I can't stand the false world I live in and I don't have much hope any more of this ever changing.

I don't ask for help but for the ability to wade through the crap myself in my time. This post is a journal entry pure and simple. Its for me and no one else. I needed to release all this crap right now.

What Do I Know of Holy

2010-05-04T13:46:00.000-04:00

Just An Average Student

2010-05-03T19:45:00.005-04:00

I am just an average student, or at least was while I was in school. I did well but never really well. I struggled in school due to a learning disability. During those years teachers did not advocate for students with disabilities to try and support them. You were just lumped in the "dumb" kids group. I think for the most part I frustrated my school's faculty. Just when they thought they could label me as dumb I would go on to win the Science Fair and head to States with great accomplishments.

As soon as they began praising me for my accomplishments I would start failing math again and I was back in with the "dumb" kids. In those days they were just at the precipice of the Politically Correct movement so teachers did call me and the others dumb. Yep they even told me not to go to college because I wasn't smart enough.

Then my essay in English would astound the teachers or I went to National Public Speaking Contests and won but all-in-all I was an average student who struggled greatly in school. Today I look at myself differently. I see the gifts the Lord placed in me and to Him I am above average. See it is just the way I was wired. I succeeded in the areas I did at school because those things incorporated my creativity. Those things allowed me space to learn in a way I could achieve at. Where as typical education systems stifled and frustrated me. Today I continue to learn but through means by which I have found out to be successful to me.

I guess I bring this up because one of my sons brought home a letter informing us that he "is an average student" and will be placed in some average classes next year. It went on to inform us that some of his fellow classmates will be placed in advanced classes but he did not qualify. He felt very dumb by getting this letter. I felt very sad because I know and remember what it feels like to be in other people's eyes, just average. Average isn't good enough and to some it actually is the nice way of saying dumb. The thing is I know he isn't just average. All three of my boys have a creative side to them. They might never be the valedictorians of their schools but I believe they will accomplish great things. Mainly because they will accomplish the destiny God put in them.

So why do we have to label and lump kids into categories. Each student has the potential for greatness but maybe not as we define or see greatness. I know a couple of my friends who were farming kids were labeled as dumb and therefore never tried to succeed. I however saw a different side to them and know personally that they were very brilliant. I don't disagree that kids should be given the chance to do their best in school and if your child needs more challenges then that is great because that is how God designed them, but what can we do about the labels? How can we encourage the average kids so that they know and believe that they are more then just average. It has taken me years to lose that label. YEARS!

For us we talked to our son and built him up in areas God has given him strength in and reinforced his identity in Christ not what others say, but we need to do that with all kids not just our own. Look for those glimmers of hope in the kids who struggle. Please if you have a chance to encourage an average kid like I was then take it. Help them know they are more than average and that average is as good a label as normal. I mean come on, how can you truly define normal? It would have been a different world for me if someone just said to me "You are more than your grades Livin. You are not just average. You are not dumb. You have potential for greatness."

Don't Be Surprised When You Ask For A Sign And You Get A Sign

2010-04-23T07:43:00.005-04:00

After my Knights motorcycle accident 2 1/2 years ago we both said the only way we would get another bike is if the Lord gave us one. Yes, we were open to riding again even after my Knights 8 week recovery and a steel plate in his knee. See it's just something in you. My Knight and my three boys have a bit of wildness in them. They are all rough, rugged, outdoor, wild men. My Knight grew up with motorcycles and has ridden since he was 8. I used to ride dirt bikes when I was 8 or so. It's in our blood.

But we didn't want to go there again unless the Lord blessed it. Neither of us were ready to jump back on a bike until we heard the Lord clearly that He would be with us. So I few weeks ago Scott received a phone call about a motorcycle. He was offered an older bike but it was free. Scott hesitated and asked to pray about it. After two accidents we wanted to make sure the Lord was OK with this.

Scott kind of put it in the back of his mind and let it go. Me on the other hand began to pray for a sign. I wanted the Lord to show Scott a sign it was safe to go back out and ride again. I also wanted the Lord to give Scott a sign His blessing was on this. One day Scott came home and threw a bright yellow thing on the table. As I went to pick it up it unfolded and I realized what it was. The sign pictured up top was it. I laughed. God gave us a sign!!!
As you can see we called the owners up and said yes. Scott is happier than a clam. He loves to work on things mechanically and he loves bikes so restoring this bike maybe something he really needs right now to help with stress.

It runs but Scott is already taring it down, cleaning carbs and flushing lines. I get to repaint it!:-)
Oh, yeah, blue ghost flames baby!

So there you have. Sometimes when you ask God for a sign he might really, actually give you a sign!

My Helping Hands

2010-04-20T17:12:00.004-04:00

Rocker Edging

Shaggy Mowing

DK Mowing Too

Our next door neighbor had a heart attack 2 weeks ago so I got the boys to help
take care of their lawn until he is feeling better. Our neighbor who had the heart
attack takes care of our other neighbor who is 89 years old so we ended up mowing
and edging 3 lawns. It was a great outdoor experience and the boys are doing a great
job learning yard work.

I just had to throw this one in as a bonus. I guess hard work makes you bad to the bone!

Dont Knock The Disciples Until You Are In Their Shoes

2010-04-14T13:12:00.004-04:00

I speak that directly to myself. I have always been harsh on the Disciples of Jesus and many of those in the Bible. I think to myself "Come on people, you have the Messiah standing right in front of you and you still don't get it!" or "Come on people didn't you just see that amazing miracle and you still doubt. If I lived back then I wouldn't have acted like that."

Well, I guess after a few too many years of thinking or saying that to myself the Lord decided it was time to walk in their shoes for a while and see if my tune would change.

Right now I am in a time of stretching, unfolding, squeezing and refining with the Lord. Maturity in Christ is not about things getting easier for you but it is about going deeper. Alan Vincent, a missionary from India who now pastors in Texas, once said that mature Christians will begin to see their prayer requests go unanswered longer than when they were brand new Christains. It isn't because new, baby Christians have more faith or zeal but because being young in the Lord they need the "milk" of the Lord. They need to taste the things of the Lord and get an appetite for His love and faithfulness. As we mature our appetite changes and we eat more solid foods. God is seeking more of a intimate relationship with us not just a simple "give me", "what can I get from this" relationship. He is beginning to ask "How far will you press in? How deep will you go? How long will you travail for the things of the Kingdom?"

Mountain top experiences are wonderful and encounters with the Living God are amazing but going into the crushing depths of His very presence are more difficult. It takes sacrifice and a price must be paid...your very life for His.

I am in the boat right now on the seas of life. I have just witnessed the 5,000 being fed by only a child's meal but exhaustion has swept over me. The mountain top experience is not enough to sustain me, I need something more and I am too tired to see what it is. I know how the Disciples felt being in that storm. As the waves reach heights of 10-20 feet my small boat looks more like a child's play thing. Any minute now I know I will sink to the very bottom of the sea and drown.

Jesus however, sits on the mountain side and is observing the whole thing. Come to think of it He sent the storm. He orchestrated this time for me. I am in this storm but in his hands all at the same time. It's time for me to stop looking a the waves and start looking into His eyes. There I will find peace.

People over the years have made it to outer space and even the moon. Going high is difficult but manageable. Climbers summit Mt. Everest, Pike's Peak and Mt. McKinley every year, but what about our ocean? Do you realize it is the last unexplored frontier of our world. In reality we have not been able to go very deep in respect to how deep the ocean really is. The pressure is too great. Submarines can only go so far without being crushed.

That's what the Lord is looking for...people willing to go into the crushing depths of His presence. Those who are willing to lose their lives to gain them. That is where He is taking me. I feel the pressure building. I don't think at times I can survive. However, God has promised me I will make it if I just don't give up. It's time for us to go deep. It's time to get uncomfortable and vulnerable with God. I take back everything I ever said about the Disciples or others in the Bible. Those are the individuals that went into the depths and came out changed forever. They became the history makers. Are we willing to be a generation that is more concerned with going deeper than sitting on the mountain tops?

Shaggys Native American Long House

2010-04-13T14:15:00.005-04:00

Phew!! We just finished that in the nick of time. I am not really happy we have projects due during the week of our State's public school testing but we made it through. Hopefully it looks somewhat like a Long House. They were made out of grasses and natural materials but I didn't have an small bundles of grass or hay lying around so we made it with sticks & Grocery bags. We had fun though and that is what counts. :-)

A Bit of Honesty & Real Life Parenting

2010-04-08T09:53:00.004-04:00

`I am a very transparent person and so my posts can become very raw and real at times. For me that's just how I roll. Nothing much hidden. So I have been contemplating in sharing my struggles this week as a parent. I then came to a sense of peace that maybe some mom out there might relate or connect with what I went through this week. If not maybe a young mom out there will be encouraged to know that even when walking with the Lord you can go through difficult situations with your kids. Godly parenting is not about avoiding difficult times with your kids it's about learning how you traverse your way through the deep dark crevasses of life with the Lord as your guide.

This past weekend took a toll on our whole family. Things were triggered inside all of us that brought to the surface a lot of pain. Scott and I were so weary at that point that we honestly weren't keeping tabs with the boys emotional status. We were just trying to keep ourselves afloat. Monday afternoon Shaggy was slated for a hair cut. He hasn't had one in at least 4 months. We talked about how long his hair could be but I made the last minuted decision of cutting 2 inches off so he could start growing it back in, in a more healthy state.

Well, I just created the spark that set off the emotional explosion. I handled the outcome very badly and had no patience at all. There was no grace, there was no mercy. Scott and I also did not see the signs that more things were going on in Shaggy then a bad hair cut. So needless to say Monday stunk and then we went to bed mad at each other.

Tuesday morning proved to be worst. Feelings were still raw and we all felt the exhaustion of the weekend. Words were spoken, feelings were hurt and then Shaggy reacted to the moment...he ran away. Not much worse than the feeling that your child just bolted and you don't know where he is. I felt afraid and angry and sad and everything a mother could possibly feel in one single moment. We did find him fairly quickly but even that didn't go well.

After so more exchange of words we were able to get Shaggy to go to school and he seemed to calm down there. During that time I just sat and prayed and talked to God. I began to see the larger picture. Shaggy was triggered by the events of the weekend. The hair cut actually played into that situation too and whamo, we now have the explosive situation that took place in the morning.

So what to do? As a parent we really screwed things up. We reacted instead of responding. We exploded instead of loving. I remember thinking, "I totally blew it. Can God really redeem this and turn it into something for our good?" The answer came quickly and clearly "Yes I can!" With that I began praying for Shaggy and also the other two boys. They experienced the whole thing so I know they were feeling the pain of it all too. Later that night we sat and talked to Shaggy.

We began processing the events and he began to see the larger picture. He acknowledged the fact that pain drove him to run away. We began asking each other for forgiveness and allowed healing to return to our home. Things are better today. Shaggy is processing more and more about what exactly happened and so are we.

We now need to pray about a healthy way for Shaggy to retreat when he feels overwhelmed. Scott and I realized growing up on farms we retreated to our dirt bikes or horses to help us find a quiet space to process our feelings. Shaggy does not have that here in town so we need to find a creative way to help him find "his own space". At 11 I know he needs a place to go where he can internalize what's going on and a place to call his own. Shaggy is great about sharing his feelings but he always needs some quiet time first. Once he has that he can easily articulate to us all that he feels. If we try to push him to quickly he just shuts down.

I have been processing the feelings of failure and shame I feel from Shaggy's experience on Tuesday. The Lord has brought so much good through this bad situation. Parenting is one of the most difficult things to do in life. It isn't easy at all but very rewarding. I am a parent not because I get anything out of it. If that were the case I probably wouldn't have kids. I am a parent because God gave me three amazing gifts and I love them so much. The journey through parenting is tough. It isn't for the faint of heart but if you press through the pain, storms and difficulties of parenting you can find real joy in it all. That's what I discovered this week. I failed, Scott failed but I know God never does. He came down and redeemed our situation. He restored love, peace and joy back into our house and even taught us all a few things.

Even if you feel like your not a good parent or you don't have what it takes remember that God is all we need. He actually created us as parents not to have all the answers or do it perfect all the time, that way our kids realize the importance of our dependence on Him and Him alone.

Well, I guess that's all I have to say about that. Today is a new day, I will be glad and rejoice in it.

Our Seder

2010-03-30T10:05:00.002-04:00

We ended up with over 140 people!

Since families were encouraged to bring their kids
I created a kids corner for them. It was a representation
of the first Passover in Egypt. There were games like Plague Memory,
try your hand at the Hebrew Alphabet, make a passover lamb and
much, much more. We even had a Moses who hung out with the kids
and told the stories of being in captivity.

This was right before everyone came.

Not the greatest shot but I guess that's why you aren't supposed to take pictures during prayer time. :-) I wanted to show how lovely it was to have church family all surrounding a table celebrating Christ's redemption. It was fun! Now I am doing nothing for a day. My Knight demanded it of me. I arrived at church yesterday at 9am and did not leave until 9pm. It was a great but long day. Happy Passover everyone!!!

Laundry Badge of Shame:-(

2010-03-24T09:09:00.004-04:00

Right now our bedroom is where clothes go to die! It has been converted into
a laundry graveyard. I am quite ashamed and so I post pictures to hopefully
propel me into action.

So sad I know. I hope there are not any Laundry Equal Rights activists out there. They could build a case here with neglect of clothing or laundry abuse. For the last two weeks I have not been able to catch up on laundry. I just keep cycling through basket after basket without making head way. Tonight my Knight has declared an all out frontal assault on laundry. We are even bringing in reinforcements, the kids, to attack this mess. The boys normally help with laundry but I still usually do the organizing of it so they can take care of their own laundry and I handle ours. However, things got sloppy and now the boys are sifting through piles of cloths and accidentally coming across my "things" just to find a pair of socks.

A morning doesn't go by that I don't hear a yell or scream from our bedroom as the boys are struck by the horror of it all, especially when they accidentally come in contact with my "things". By tomorrow I vow to clean up my act and laundry and recover my Laundry Badge of Honor.

We will wait and see......