This Woman's Work

Buh-Bye (for now)

2010-10-24T22:41:00.000-04:00

As much I loved posting, I must admit that I can no longer post regularly on TWW and manage everything else in my life. Belvedere admits she is not a superwoman.

I still have high hopes for TWW and similar blogs that offer an honest female perspective on dating and I have no doubt that it is possible when one devotes the necessary amount of time. Unfortunately, my life's goals consume more time than I imagined and I cannot offer TWW the amount of time it deserves.

Come back after December 3 and I'll have a treat for ya!! In the mean time, read my good friends blog here and take care of yourselves!

If no one else in the world tells you, remember Belvedere loves you!

Guest Blogger Fridays

2010-09-17T00:40:00.001-04:00

The THREE F's

The formula: Feed Me + Freak Me + Leave Me The Freak Leave = A Happy man

I keep up with this blog and agree with most of the subject matters posed by the contributors. Yea, some men use women for just the sex, while running game, and dangling the carrot of the casual hook situation leading to a relationship.

True. Some men don’t like to confirm relationships and prefer to keep women in the quagmire of the “Untitled Relationship.”

Yea, some men exploit the young, the old and the wayward of woman but avoid the strong, independent and successful sister that will challenge him and potentially elevate him to be who God intended him to be. No doubt.

But I find with age, some men develop and begin to want lasting relationships with women beyond the “Casual Hook Situation” or “Untitled Relationship.” Especially if the man finds “A Woman” (See my last post for a detailed description of “A Woman”).

I will admit that there are some men who despite age and upper nobility decide that they want nothing more than a “Casual Hook Situation” or “Untitled Relationship.” That’s a fact. Fact is each man has to determine for himself the type of destiny he wants. And honestly, I don’t feel remorse for a woman who is continuously burned by this type of man. Humans are designed by nature to adapt.

Now say the woman learns from her past experiences and is now able to identify a man who has moved beyond the days of “Casual Hook Ups” and “Untitled Relationships.” The man and the woman are now in a position to have something real. What does she now need to know about men to help make the relationship thrive?

From reading past entries on this blog, I started getting the impression that men are complex like Trigonometry or Physics. The fact of the matter is we are more like addition and biology. If you don’t believe me ask your Grandmother, Mother, Aunt or Grandaunt what formula she used to keep her man. I guarantee you the formula is the same across the board. (Note: If none of the women in your family have been able to keep a man, please save your time and ask a neighbor.)

Have you asked yet? I’ll give you some time. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….……………………………………………………………………..

…Okay, I’ll let you in on the secret. The formula is Feed ‘Em, Freak ‘Em and Leave ‘Em the Freak Alone. That equals a happy man. Simple enough, huh?

Well, let me explain what goes wrong.

Feed ‘Em

I know what you are thinking… It’s 2010 not 1950, right? Chances are, professionally you are just as successful as your mate, if not more successful than your mate.

…And you say, “I still have to cook?”

My reply is, “Have you ever heard the old adage?

It says something like "the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

You are seeking entry into his heart right? Well, I’ll answer your question with a question. Do you have to cook?

By no means am I telling you to cook for a sorry joker who isn’t serious about a relationship. Doing special things for this guy won’t help your cause at all. It will only cause your self esteem to plummet to levels lower than the current Dow Jones. Going on.

Freak ‘Em

Again, Don’t waste your good tricks on a guy that isn’t serious about you. Save them for the guy who has demonstrated to you that he is playing for keeps. Freaking ‘Em includes sex but isn’t limited to sex. Freaking ‘Em also includes intimacy or the shoulder rub, the dandruff scratch, the twisted dreads, and the kind-reassuring words a woman can say to make a man feel like a champ.

This fails when a woman withholds affection. No man will deal with an icy woman.

Leave ‘Em the Freak Alone

Lastly but most importantly, if women become good at nothing else, be good at knowing when to leave a man alone. Know when to cut the venting short. Know when to drop a sensitive subject. Know how to chill when the game is on. Leaving a man alone also includes creating and maintaining the inviting/approachable/calm/cool/agreeable atmosphere. The type of atmosphere a man wants to be in.

When a woman nags or rides a man the relationship will never work. If you’re a nag...Please. Stop. Now.

What do you think of the 3F’s? What are some of the things a man has to do for woman to be happy in a relationship? Your comments are appreciated.

Posted by Kool Kustomer

Bear with me...

2010-09-13T10:57:00.000-04:00

I'm working on a few projects this week. Posting will resume on Wednesday. I apologize about any inconvenience.

Football did it...are YOU ready??

2010-09-10T09:41:00.003-04:00

Football season started last night. Lets just say I got caught up in watching the game. Life happens. Playas f*ck up. You should forgive me. In the mean time, I encourage all ladies to visit NFL.com, google football basics and get prepared to be ignored until the game and the post-game show are over.

For those of you who still dont know how to act when football season starts, here are a few tips:
Do not get upset with him for not paying attention to you.
Do not try to talk to him during the game unless you're naked or dressed in see thru lace.
Do not EVER under any circumstances throw your bish fits during the game.
Do not complain when he cheers or yells at the TV.
Do not question why he yells at the TV.
Do not walk in front of the TV. Save it all for the halftime show.
Do not ask him to go on dates on football nights.
If you REALLY love him, you will fix him snacks and tell him its ok to invite his friends over to watch the game.
If you do not understand the game, google what you dont know. Do not attempt to hold a conversation or ask 100 questions about why the quarterback took so long to throw the ball or why they hit each other so hard.

Between NFL.com, ESPN and your man you should take this opportunity to learn about the greatest sport on earth!! If you dont have a man, learn common football terms and tune in to the game long enough to converse comfortably about the game. Sports is always a great way to break the ice.

Since I still encounter females with no basic knowledge of football (baffles me every time), Belvedere is going to help you out with a few football basics:

1. The Schedule: The 2010 NFL Schedule includes a sixteen-game National Football League regular season schedule, spread out over seventeen weeks from NFL Kickoff on the second Thursday in Septemberthrough the first Sunday in January of 2011. The season will culminate in the playing ofSuper Bowl XLV on February 6, 2011, at Dallas Cowboys Stadium.

2. The Scores: There are basically five different ways to score points in football: a touchdown, a field goal, a safety, a two-point conversion, and an extra point. The most valuable scoring play in football is the touchdown, which is worth six points. Read more here. Check here for the scores from Week 1. How about those Saints??

3. The history. Wikipedia is lending a helping hand on this one. Click here.

4. The Teams: There are 32 teams in the NFL. Click here for a full list of the teams.

5. The Schedule. Check here for the 2010 schedule.

Belvedere hopes this helps!

Peace.

Opposite day: 3 things MEN do that Women should START doing

2010-09-08T00:00:00.115-04:00

Many of us been in the situation where we felt like our love and commitment weren’t being reciprocated. At first everything was cool but then something started to feel different. His kisses weren’t as soft. Her willingness to spend time with you declined. He became more shady than a Florida palm tree. She became more questionable than a free seat on the metro next to a man having a conversation with himself.

Pull up a chair.

1. Flipping 101. Have you ever been in an argument and walked away disappointed in yourself? Have you ever asked him a question and you end up questioning yourself? Have you ever started a series of questions and before you know it he's giving you the 3rd degree? Wondering how this happened? *This* ladies and gentlemen is the result of “flipping the situation 101.” It is a talent many cheaters and "smooth operators" possess as a deflector from their f*ck ups. They turn the situation to play on your insecurities with below the belt comments that make you question your reasons for questioning them. Either way, you walk away from confrontations without answers and unable to shake your suspicions. Need an example? Belvedere is here to help.
Scene: Guys phone vibrates at 1am. Girl is laying next to him in bed and is awakened by the vibrations.
Her: Who is that calling your phone at 1am?
Him: Thats nobody baby. I didnt answer because its a nobody. You're the only somebody that matters.
*soft kisses*
Her: *Forgets about the phone calls and returns to dreamland*

If women could master flipping a situation 101, straddling and crying at the drop of a hat, we could assume our rightful place as rulers of the free world. Inception.

2. Set boundaries and stick to them. In your first convo he says he doesnt like kissing. He says he's not romantic and he doesnt celebrate Valentine's Day. Women make the mistake of thinking we can change this. We can't. The truth is that he can be Romeo and that he has celebrated Valentine's day every year but he has decided he doesnt want that type of relationship with you. Men exercise their right to have reservations about what they are willing to do. What does this mean for women? When St. Valentine sends cupid our way on February 14 our gift basket is empty. Better yet, when he doesnt plan anything special on V-Day we dare not complain. Why? When we complain, he reminds us of the convo when he told us he didnt celebrate V-Day. When her friends ask what she got she responds "we dont celebrate Valentine's Day." Women need to do the same thing. If you dont spread em on the first date, tell him that and stick to your rules. Make your boundaries clear so there is no room for discussion or persuasion. If he doesnt respond accordingly strap up your combat boots and kick his a$$ to the curb.

3. Categorize people.We all put people into categories without thinking. We look at others to determine things like: male/female; black/white/brown/gray; attractive/unattractive/Jesus hates your parents; etc. I regret to admit men are better at this than women. Although we have mastered what it means to put men in the "friend" category, we have not mastered much else. Men place women in categories to determine how they will treat us. In a perfect world all men would respect all women, but we dont live in a perfect world. We live in a world where a preacher wants to burn Korans. I digress. They characterize us as heauxxs, smuts, real women and then theres the coveted "wifey material" label. If he has decided you are nothing more than a heauxx you will be treated as such. The same goes for the other labels. If we developed more labels for men, we could save ourselves a lot more heart ache.

(Insert critical thinking questions and a witty ending)
Your thoughts? Belvedere is listening.

Forget the alcohol, blame it on FACEBOOK

2010-09-06T00:00:00.001-04:00

Instructions: Watch the video, then read the post.

The video is not just comedic relief. For many couples "Facebook arguments" have become a real issue. While Tom from Myspace is somewhere wondering where Myspace went wrong, his former dedicated users have brought their f*ckery to Facebook. Everyone from Aunt Salt to Grandma Pepper to every wanna be model between here and Antarctica has a Facebook account. I suffer through a newsfeed clouded with TMI updates, horrific bathroom shots, amateur models and annoying party promoters. This is all while Zuckerburg and his folks over at Facebook are constantly finding loopholes in the ways they can share your personal info without your consent. I digress.

Facebook has also become a place where you can meet your potential mate. Pause. Did she just say that? Yes Belvedere said that. Belvedere meant what she said. Facebook users have decided to skirt the membership fees and pesky personality tests at Match.com and e-harmony and take full advantage of the open sharing environment that is "the book." Fortunately, the book serves the same purpose many other forms of technology provide: the ability to connect with people. Unfortunately, the book is also a form of courage juice in that it gives people the gall to do and type things to you they would not say to you if they saw you in person. Men conquer their fear of rejection with a message and women Lets not get into a discussion about the things posted during the "honesty box" era. While our grandparents never had to strategically dodge loaded questions like "why are you always writing on her wall?" or "why are you the first person to comment on his status EVERY morning?"the underlying issue is one of trust and respect.

While the internet makes it easy to use informal language and to do things we would not normally do, we must still be mindful of the consequences of what we post. If you are "in a relationship" on Facebook there is no need to allow random men/women to comment on your photos knowing your S/O can see them. Respect your mate enough to put people in line about what is appropriate to post on your profile.

There is no doubt that social networks have changed the dynamics of our relationships. Do you require your mate to put "in a relationship with" or their relationship status on Facebook? Would you follow your ex on Twitter? Would you block your ex on Facebook once you break up? Belvedere is listening.

Posted by Belvedere

Why do good girls like bad boys?

2010-09-03T00:00:00.001-04:00

A "ride or die chick" and her "bad boy"

First, I want to apologize about the lack of posts recently. My pc went kaputz so I had to upgrade to the apple family. Forgive me? Good now we can move on.

*Editor’s Note: By "bad boys” I mean the men women know we should stay away from but we dont. They are the men our mother’s warned us about. They are the men who play the dating game by their own rules and if you fail to follow them you will be sleeping with a broken heart. They are the men we know we are not meant to marry, but we fall for them anyway.

Just about every woman will fall for a bad guy at least once during her dating lifespan. He has a certain *thing* about him that makes us ignore our intuition and drop everything at a moment’s notice. We throw out our common sense, sense of self worth, and sense of direction for the chance to take a trip on the bad boy ride. Opposites attract?

As a recovering “bad boy addict,” I can personally attest to the roller coaster of dating a bad boy. There was a period in my dating life where I did not think a man had sex appeal unless he had rough edges. While I no doubt turned down some great clean cut men, if you did not resemble Damion Marley, you did not get a second look from Belvedere*. When bad boys are at their peak, they have the ability to make you feel like a queen. When bad boys drop off they can take you through twists, turns, and upside down swirls and before you realize it things have taken a turn for the worst. Why would a woman subject herself to this?

Bow to your sansei, Belvedere presents 5 reasons why good girls like bad boys:

1. She wants to taste the forbidden fruit. Women have been blamed for the problems of the world ever since Eve supposedly convinced Adam to take a bite of the forbidden fruit. Bad boys are the modern day version of forbidden fruit. Even if you did not want it before, as soon as someone tells you it is forbidden the desire for it kicks in. The more the ‘rents tell you to stay away from something, the more your desire to have it increases. Fruit tastes so much sweeter when it forbidden. Beware of fruit who will ride around with illegal substances in the car because both of you will end up arrested. You will learn what its like to rot behind bars.

2. She wants to piss off her parents. Whats more satisfying for a rebellious spirit than to see the look in her father's eyes when his blood boils? Its not out of spite. Its not to be mean. There is just *something* that makes us draw satisfaction from knowing we are getting under our parents’ skin. Even if the relationship is not that great, we cannot resist the urge to make it seem perfect just for the sake of getting the parental unit worked up.

3. She is going through a "phase." The last guy we dated was a "good" guy and he still ended up breaking our hearts. What do we do? We date the guy who looks the complete opposite of our last beau. In order to rid herself of all feelings for said ex, she turns to the man who is least like him.

4. She is tired of being a "good girl." Good girls are dry and predictable. I imagine its annoying to constantly hear "I knew you would say that" or "I knew thats what you would do." She is always the designated driver. She is always dressed conservatively. Does this sound exciting to you? Of all the titles you could assume in your circle who volunteer to be "the predictable one?" This girl dates bad boys to help her escape the mundane nature of her life. Her bad boy helps her forget her “good girl” title and gives her the chance to walk on the edge. He opens her mind to new things. This is also true for bad boys who date good girls.

5. She fears a real commitment. Be careful because we may ride this lie until the wheels fall off. Trying to build something we know wont work is often a sign we are running from something. We know what the good guys look like. They are safe. They are secure. They are predictable. They will never disrespect you. The more she dates a man that is the exact opposite of this, the longer she can run from making a commitment. Bad boys are often emotionally unavailable so commitments (or monogamy) are out of the window. We invest our time and emotions into empty relationships because we fear what might happen if we met Mr. Right. We offset this by making the bad boys our Mr. Right Now.

The question I raise today is one that has befuddled blog readers, Youtube watchers, electric sliders and strip club visitors since the debut of the first Law & Order. Perhaps you would like to offer your own answers? Why do you think "good" girls like "bad boys"? Further, why do you think “bad boys” like “good girls?” Who’s Taking Who? The floor is yours...

Posted By Belvedere

*Times have changed. Belvedere loves clean cut men, but she still enjoys a bit of an edge. Idris Elba.

WOMEN are from venus, MEN are from mons venus

2010-08-30T00:00:00.003-04:00

This one is for the fellas. More specifically, this one is for the fellas who consider themselves "straight shooters" but are still somehow misunderstood by women. Although he thinks he is being straightforward and communicating, he could be more wrong. This is a problem since every woman believes she is the best thing since free food and for most women this translates into a belief that she can change a man’s mind.

All is well in Whoville until the man believes he has been completely upfront with a woman and then SHAM WOW she hits him with the flex. Hands on your head. She flexes her power in the relationship by demanding confirmation about where the relationship is going. Its been 2 weeks and she needs answers. He is in shock that she considers what they did after 2am a relationship. He now understands why she knows all the words to “Shawt bus shawty."

The first rule of any form of communication is to understand your audience. You're dealing with a type of human being who raises her hand & rushes to the dance floor when Plies asks Becky to raise her hand because he wants to know who gives good h*ad. We are the people who stuff our feet into uncomfortable sky high heels just because they look and feel sexy. We are the people who get involved in fist fights over a man. We are the people who sew Indian hair to our scalp and say things like "YES this is my hair, I paid for it didn't I?." Lets get down to business and defeat the huns. Belvedere is here to help the fellas by translating what we really hear when you tell us certain things. Call the DEA.

He says: I’m not ready for a commitment. I just wanna have a good time.
He means: I want the benefits of a relationship without the extra work it takes to maintain one. I want you to "drop your draws" & be DTF on command. I want you to respect my feelings. I want you to fel-aysh me.
She hears: I’m not ready for a commitment RIGHT NOW. I made this decision before I met you. When I see the best of you I will recognize your worth, change my mind & even reject fell-aysh from random heauxxs.

He says: I’m too busy for a relationship right now.

He means: I choose not to make time for a relationship. You've got 2 minutes. Give me your special...tee.

She hears: I'm busy but when I make time for you it means you're special. When we're together I want you to treasure our time together. Dont speak.

He says: I have a girlfriend but we have a kid together so I’m not happy but I’m not going to leave my kid. Even though we live together I consider myself single. Now lets go get some bbq and get busy.

He means: My girl is tripping and I want you to slip and fall on my peen. The sooner you can make that happen, the sooner I can stop ignoring my girl's phonecalls. It doesnt take *this* long to get diapers at the store.

She hears: I’m not happy but I’m a real man because I refuse to abandon my child.

He says: I have a girlfriend but I’m not happy. I haven’t left her yet because I don’t know how.
He means: I have a girlfriend but we had an argument last night so I know she wont drop her draws for at least another week. I’m not completely happy but I’m not going to leave. I have needs. You’re convenient. Now lets go get some bbq and get busy.
She hears: I’m not happy but I’m an honest man because I’m telling you about my girlfriend.

He says: I’m separated.
He means: I’m still married. I’m dare not get a divorce but I’m gonna take full advantage of the dog house my wife put me in. I have needs.
She hears: I’m single.

This is usually the point where I offer some advice about communicating effectively to women or how you can guarantee that you point is not lost in translation. Unfortunately, I dont have any fool proof way to escape it. Namely because I dare not underestimate the innovation of a fool. I'm not Prez Obama so my job is not to give you hope. This is both fortunate and unfortunate. So help me out.

Fellas, what are some things you have told a woman and you wondered how she got it wrong? Ladies, what are some things a man has told you and you took it the wrong way? Whats a goon to a goblin?

Posted by Belvedere

Guest Blogger Fridays!

2010-08-27T08:10:00.002-04:00

"Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree..."
— Pete Wentz

Its no secret that men prefer an "easy" woman; a woman they don’t have to work hard to secure.

Lets be clear about what an easy woman looks like. She is a woman who accepts "less than" treatment from a man who may or may not "wine and dine her." She is grateful that he shows her off in public and gives her all the finer things in life. Once they become "serious" she does not complain about not being allow to meet his family or attend church services with him. Furthermore, she accepts that his best friends dont even know she exists, let alone that the two are dating. She’s someone that he hooks up with to get his rocks off (if you know what I mean) but doesnt complain when he doesnt call her the next day. It’s beyond me why men pursue this type of woman and why the women refuse to step their game up and do better.

It’s sad that in 2010 there are women who will still accept less than the "Queen" treatment from a man. Although I can't fathom a reason for this, I have heard women say “A piece of a man is better than no man at all.” What does this really mean? When I think about it, the meaning has nothing to do with a man. It actually refers to a woman who allows a man to treat her like she is a piece of a woman. It could also be interpreted to mean having an unfaithful partner (everyone gets a piece) is better than having no partner at all. That’s the craziest thing I have ever heard. I would rather be alone than take ~~bullshit~~ nonsense from any man. Don't get me wrong, I love men. I love everything about a great and confident man but we all have to face reality. We all have to take responsibility for the state of the dating world in 2010. The same way that there are easy apples on a tree, there are men waiting to pick them. We must all raise our standards so that we can uplift each other. Think about it. If the fellas stop picking the easy apples, then the ladies who were the easy apple before will work to become a medium apple in the middle or a strong apple at the top. If ladies stop being easy apples, then the fellas will have no choice but to approach the best of the best.

I have stopped trying to figure it out; I agree with the quote. Men want something easy and they are not going to climb to the top of the tree to get the better apple, its become obvious that they would rather get something that’s easier than a blue box of Kraft mac n' cheese. I'd like to be a fly on the wall when they realize the apples at the top are worth the work and the only ones worth having. I want to hear from you.

Do you think this is a true quote? Why is it that men really settle for less? What do you think?

I'm listening.

Posted by Charlie.

Guest Blogger Fridays

Letter to my young sistas

2010-08-25T00:07:00.005-04:00

My precious young Sistas,

First of all let me say that you are beautiful. I believe in you. I see a bright future ahead of you. I want nothing but the best for you. I love you.

I'm not sure what is going on with you my sista, but it is time for you to snap back to reality. It seems like my sistas have reached a state of desperation and it is leading to our devastation. All in the name of having a man.

Are you wondering why married men continue to approach you?
Are you wondering why all the wrong men find themselves in your bed?
Are you wondering why only a certain "type" of man try to date you?
Are you wondering why you cant get past McDonald's even on the 5th date?

The answer to all of the above question is BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT! Men can only push as far as we allow ourselves to be pushed. They continue to cheat because we stay when they do. We allow them to have a "wife on the side." We allow them to disrespect us both in private and in front of our friends and family. We allow them to approach us wearing wedding bands. We allow them to break us down. We allow them to constantly verbally and physically abuse us. Why else would we allow these things to happen? Dont give me any cowsh*t about how you love him and he loves you. Save the bullsh*t about how he "completes" you. Complete yourself! What part of YOU do you think God left out when he made you?? When you were born, you were blessed with everything you need to be happy. He gave us a beautiful gift called a woman's intuition and its sad that more of us dont embrace it.

Instead of focusing on making ourselves happy, this is what we do:

Prance around thinking we can change a man who doesnt want to be changed.
Dance around thinking we can catch a man who doesnt want to be caught.
Hop around thinking we can commit to a man who doesnt give a rats tail about our well being.
Skip around believing in a man who does not believe in us.
Put him before ourselves. Drop everything we are doing when he calls at 2am and lets be real the sex game is mediocre at best. You know you fake it til you make it.
Settle because we condition our minds to believe its the best we can do.
Accept roles like "baby mama" instead of wife because we dont want to push him away by asking for a real commitment.

Recognize that men treat the dating game like an African lion treats his hunt on the safari. He lies in wait until the sick & weak antelopes come to the river to drink and then he attacks full throttle. He does not go after the stronger antelopes because they require too much work. The same goes for men. They have a 6th sense to detect the weakest links. This is why they come around in flocks while you are vulnerable and fade to obscurity at your strongest moments.

Understand this: A man who truly loves you will never want to see you cry. He will never want to do anything to hurt you. He will only want to see you happy and will turn to mush at the very thought that you MIGHT start crying. He seeks not to break you but to help you build & grow. Any man who behaves any other way does not love you.

We know better, but we STILL dont do better. Why do we continue to deal with men who give us everything but 100%??
One of Belvedere's friends once said this (with a straight face):

"I really like John but he has a girlfriend. At least he was honest about having a girlfriend. He could have lied to me. So that makes him honest right? I know once he leaves her for me he wont cheat on me me like that"

*blank stare*

Too often we seek love outside when we have not learned to love ourselves on the inside. We look in the mirror and we dont like what we see. Instead of changing ourselves & growing to make "self" feel better, we choose to change to prove to someone else we deserve them. In the end, we are still unhappy with ourselves. The first step to learn to love yourself holistically and unconditionally. Love every mole, freckle, cellulite, funny bone, and fiber of your being. Accept that you are a woman and you are emotional. Accept that you are innately nurturing.

Do NOT accept anyone into your life who does not bring you pure joy.
Do NOT compromise your morals or your health for the sake of having a man.

My observation is that many of us suffer from low self esteem, but we are not prepared to admit it. Black women are expected to be strong, confident, elegant & supportive. Society is not prepared to deal with the breakdown of America's strongest woman. As a proud black woman I understand what its like. We are expected to be strong in moments of adversity and we dare not complain. We are assumed to be the backbone for so many but we often lack a backbone for ourself. We are more likely to keep each other down & be more critical on each other than we are on our white counterparts.

I encourage all of you to uplift each other. If you see a sista struggling, give her a smile and encouraging words. Sincerely assure her "no matter what you are going through my sista, you will get through this." Black women and black men are extensions of each other. To my black men, understand that we are your sisters, your aunts, your mothers and grandmothers. You too must play a role in uplifting today's black woman.

All my love & blessings,

Belvedere

Your thoughts?

Breaking all the rules

2010-08-23T00:08:00.004-04:00


"Hide your kids. Hide your wife. Hide your husbands"

As much as people may front about the single life being so great, the truth is we are creatures meant to connect with others. Put your finger on your chin and ponder these questions: What happens when you run into that person that gives you butterflies? What happens after you exchange numbers? What happens after they finally ask you out? Berry to Mint.

When it comes to dating its ALL a game. If you dont allow Vivica Fox to teach you anything else, allow her to teach you that TWO can play the game. Madden. Aside from that, Belvedere is here to help you win by giving you 6 common dating rules and why you should consider breaking them.

1. Never kiss on the first date. The idea behind this rule is that you do not want to seem too forward. What this rule does not take into account is the posibility of a strong chemistry on the first date. Belvedere says if the lips are too juicy to pass up, taste them. Pause. Dont go around pouncing on your dates. Let the juices work their magic. If you feel compelled to kiss on the first date, dont ruin it by feeling guilty for breaking this rule.

2. Never have sex on the first date. There is no need to pretend to be virtuous knowing you really arent. This rule only applies if you are looking for a relationship. Women are told things like "girl dont sleep with im on the first date because he will think you're a heauxx." Men are told things like "Dont try to s wleep with her on the first date, she will think all you want is her body." Well whats the rule for people who have already been involuntarily celibate for a year, now Steve Harvey wants them to wait another 90 days!?! There is no need to pretend you want something else when you know what you really want. Belvedere cannot in good conscience tell you to hookup with a stranger on the first date. If sparks fly and chemistry happens on the first date, agree to have a second date. In the mean time, Facebook them, Google them, and take a cold shower. Although you should not go into a situation afraid to trust, you should keep a watchful eye on your potential bangers & strokers. Give yourself a break before you think with the wrong head.

3. The man always pays for the first date. Belvedere is a Southern Belle so she was raised to believe a gentleman should be allowed to "treat" his lady. The problem is that on the first date, no ties have been made. To my ladies, if you feel compelled to cover the check then do so. I'm not talking about the fake reach. I'm talking about grabbing the check and insisting on covering the tab. It will allow you to show your independence rather than just bragging about it. Fellas, dont take advantage of our independence. While it is fun to go Dutch, its nice to have a man who doesnt mind picking up the check.

4. Always show up late. The idea behind this is to keep your date waiting and allow anticipation to build. I must admit to showing up to my fair share of dates late. I learned my lesson the first time a guy arrived late to our date. It took away from the ambiance and I was disappointed that I couldnt make my grand entrance and wow him away once I showed him how I mastered the Tyra Banks "smile with your eyes." Its not ok to show up late. This is especially true when the person who is on time is forced to sip on her water and shoot the breeze with the waiter who barely speaks English. Time is valuable and it should be respected. This means add an extra half hour to your prepping time if you have too. Be courteous enough to contact your date if you are running behind schedule.

5. Always wait 3 days to call back. The idea behind this dating rule of thumb is to make sure that your new squeeze doesn't think you're desperate to see him/her. Somehow this has become a golden rule.The trick is to accurately guage how well your date really went. If it went really well break the rule and call him/her the next evening. If it didnt go so well wait 24-36 hours to see if they contact you first. If not, take the initiative and send a text or email. The amount of time you wait to call back is not proportionate to how long the relationship lasts, but waiting too long can definitely allow someone else to swoop in for the win.

6. Limit your spending. The idea behind this rule is that you do not want to start off doing something you may not be able to keep up in the long run. You also want to give yourself a chance to find out whether he/she wants you or your wallet. The first few dates should be cheaper and the more serious the relationship becomes the more dough you can drop on dates.

A great rule of thumb is to avoid advice that includes words like "always," "never," "all men," "all women," and any other blanket statements. No 2 relationships will be the same. Following blanket dating advice will only lead to lonely nights in a snuggie. Dont pretend to be something you aren't because pretty soon he/she will meet the real YOU.

Did I miss any dating rules? Do you have any of your own? Have you ever considered breaking them?

The floor is yours...

Posted By Belvedere

Three Homies define "A Woman"

2010-08-20T09:22:00.001-04:00

The other day, two homies (read: very good friends) and I were hanging out and exchanging sexual escapade stories when one my homies, who I will call “Homie #1”, asked a question that changed the direction of our conversation.

Homie #1: (Directing his question to me) Bro, out of all the girls you’ve come in contact with up to now; I mean girls you’ve hollered at, girls you’ve talked to, girls you’ve hooked up with, and girls who ended up becoming your girlfriend. Out of all of these girls, how many would you say was a “Woman?”

I sat there for a minute. At first, I wondered why he would change the tune of our conversation from exchanging War Stories to talking about how many “Women” we’ve come in contact with.

You would have to know Homie #1 to understand why he would move such a promising conversation down this particular road.

To give you some background, #1 recently got out of a four-year relationship with a woman he was with since his sophomore year of college. About a year to six months before the break-up, more than likely even before that, #1’s lady had the loud sounds of wedding bells constantly ringing in her ears and let’s just say she was not shy about slipping in “when are we going to take the next step?” whenever there was an opening.

After his lady made an attempt to muscle him into marriage counseling, #1 finally reached his breaking point. He told his lady he would never marry her and there would be no need for them to undergo marriage counseling. Though he didn’t mean to be harsh and he made that statement out of frustration, she never could forgive him and the relationship ultimately slowly imploded.

When #1 officially became single, he quickly began to make up for all the ladies he missed out on during the course of his relationship. However, the joy of bachelorhood lasted only a short time for him. It was quickly replaced by the pain of knowing that he let a good one get away and the uncertainty of not knowing when the next woman of that caliber would present herself.

As I sat and spaced out, #1 realized that I was treating his question rhetorically so he directed his question to Homie #2.

#1: (Directing his question to Homie #2) Bro, out of all the girls you’ve come into contact with, “How many would you say was a “Woman?”

#2: (Responding to #1) Well… What’s your definition of “A Woman?”

#1: A woman is a girl who can make your life better. She enhances your existence.

#2: You remember Keisha*? Keisha* was “A Woman.”

#1: Yea, Keisha* was “A Woman.” I remember when I visited you for Memorial Day weekend and every morning Keisha* cooked breakfast for both of us. Not just you but both of us. You’ve had other girls who would look at me and not even speak first thing in the morning but Keisha* cooked breakfast for the Homie. What happened to Keisha*, Bro?

#2: (Directing a question to me) Kool Kustomer, you never got a chance to meet Keisha*, did you? No, you’ve never met her. (Then he answered #2) Keisha was smart, supportive, and thoughtful. She always did the little things too but, in the end, she was not fine enough. (Directing a question to #1) What’s happened to your lady?

#1: (Responding to #2) Honestly Bro, my lady had been “A Woman” since she was 19. I am sad to say that I wasn’t ready to have the type of woman when she was in my life. But now that I’ve lost her, I realize that my life would be much better if she was still a part of me. (To me) Kool, are you ready to talk yet? You’ve been in deep thought for a while.

Me: (Speaking to both Homies) Honestly, I’ve had a lot of girls try to play the woman role but I didn’t want to take her as my woman for one of two reasons: 1) she was not fine enough and, 2) I wasn’t ready for “A Woman” in my life.

…Epilogue

Other characteristics of “A Woman”

• She has a life of her own. You can join her solar system but you don’t have to be the sun she revolves around.

• She is sexy without being trampy. Lady in the streets, Freak in the bed. Please don’t substitute the nouns.

• She does the little things to show she cares. Also, when she does the little things, she invests in herself and her man. A girl does something then expects payment or something of more value in return.

• She makes her man look good. She increases his stock value.

• She does not take any crap.

• She is Fine Enough. This depends on how the man looks. Yes, I said “A Woman” has to have looks. She has to be Fine Enough. If a man is with you and he believes he can get with a better looking woman than you... Sorry, but nine times out of 10, you won’t be able to keep him from cheating with better looking women or leaving you altogether.

Did I forget anything? What do you think of my characteristics of “A Woman?”

Keisha* is a fictitious name used to protect “A Woman.”

Guest Blogger Fridays

Posted by Kool Kustomer

The Scoop...

2010-08-20T08:48:00.000-04:00

Consider this a "State of the blog" address :)

You all have probably noticed the intermittent postings at TWW so I'm here to give you all the scoop. Going forward Belvedere will post on Mondays and Wednesdays and we will have a guest blogger on Fridays. There are no rifts or any issues between myself or the other ladies, blogging is more work than we all anticipated and we all lead busy lives. I really enjoyed blogging on TWW so I volunteered to continue posting. Southern Comfort, Beorgeouis, and Straight Shooter will return every so often to say hello and to post their thoughts.

If you are interested in becoming a guest blogger, please leave a comment to let me know you are interested. I am looking for males & females who have a perspective on dating that they are willing to share. You may choose to write as a guest blogger once or as often as you like.

On a sidenote: A few people have expressed concerns about our comment system. To leave a comment, click on comments and then point your attention to the bottom where it says "comment as." You may choose to use a gmail account, AIM, LiveJournal, Wordpress, OpenID or you may use "Name/URL." While we encourage you all to comment as whatever name you choose we do ask that you refrain from using deragatory terms in your name. You do not have to use a URL. You may choose to remain anonymous.

LOVE is...

2010-08-18T00:00:00.005-04:00

Picture it.

Time: 3:53am.

Scene: 2 heterosexual adults spooning in bed together. The room is pitch black.The male awakens with dry mouth.

Him: "Baby are you asleep?"

Her: zzzzzzzz

Him: *rocks her a little* "Baby I'm thirsty can you fix me a drink of water please?

Her: "Why cant you get it yourself? You know I have to work early."
Him: "I would do it myself but its dark & your ice water tastes way better than mine."
Him: "Please honey bunny. I love you"
Her: "You better be glad I love you or else I wouldnt do this."

We all have our definitions of healthy love. Besides extra ordinary acts of love and actually saying it, there are several ways you can tell if the person you are with loves you. My point is sharper than a yellow #2. Love means different things to different women. Everyone is not great at expressing their feelings so we tend to show them way before we put them into words. What we (read: great women) have in common is that we all do little things to show our love months or even weeks before those 7 letters leave our lips. Here are just a few:

1. She sleeps in the wet spot. The wet spot is the worst part about a lengthy pump & sweat session. Nobody wants to sleep in the wet spot. Nobody. If she realizes the wet spot is on her side of the bed she complains a little but sleeps in it anyway. If her name is Belvedere she will spoon with you until you wake up on the opposite side of the bed wondering how you got there. Wet spot only he knows.

2. She allows you to play Madden 2011 for 2 days without complaining. She brings you snacks, doesnt walk in front of the tv & brings you dinner on a serving plate in front of the tv. And on the 3rd day the world wept.

3. She fulfills your weird requests. If you like to eat breakfast for dinner, she makes breakfast. If you have different interests, she opens her mind to learning more about your interests. This is under the same umbrella as trying your favorite foods that make her stomach cringe. Peanut butter & banana sandwiches.

4. She volunteers to share stuff with you. This includes toothbrushes, razors, food, and money. She may spend a night at your place and ask to use your toothbrush. I think this one is totally gross but to each his own. She may also start discussions about joint bank accounts, going half/half on groceries or keeping a toothbrush at your place.

5. She doesnt touch your car radio. As much as she wants to switch your ipod with hers and listen to Beyonce, she knows how much Gucci amuses you. She doesnt complain when your bobbing & weaving in rush hour traffic makes her motion sick. She hates Waka Flocka but learns what it means to "Go hard in the mothalovin paint aggin." Gucci is what she now calls her mothalovin aggin. Waka.

6. Cooks a huge dinner and doesnt eat a thing. She spends hours slaving and sweating over a range & oven to give you a homecooked meal. Great food includes hidden ingredients you wont find in a grocery store: passion & love. Any woman who spends more than 30 minutes and cooks a meal with more than 2 pots has strong feeling for you. Eat the cake. Sidenote: This has nothing to do with an eating disorder (I hope). As any regular cook can attest to, we spend most of our cooking time sampling the food. If its a pretty big meal, its more likely by the time the meal is finished, she will be full from her samples.

7. She prays with/for you. Women are nurturing and we cant help it. What we can help is who we nurture. Many of us have a belief in a higher power; however, we know better than to "throw" our religion in your face. When we choose to bless our food with you (is this just a southern thing?) or invite you to our church, you're no longer just some dude with her scratches on your back.

BONUS: Ladies, if you forget your purse he goes back to get it for you. This is whats called one of the "little things" that matter so much. This is especially important when she is wearing sexy stiletto sandals and the restaurant you chose to take her to has slippery floors. Instead of making her walk across the floor risking a nasty fall, offer to allow her to "sit pretty" while you run back and get it. If you happen to take a nasty fall, think of it as a fall in love. Frankie Lymon.

If your spouse is exhibiting these behaviors, things are getting serious. Its no longer just fun and games. On a more serious note, if your spouse starts to exhibit these behaviors and you know you aren't ready for a serious commitment, communicate that to them. I know women can do crazy things, but you should refrain from playing with our feelings by any means. Hurt women cause major damage. Katrina. When love is done right, its a beautiful thing. It should be embraced and encouraged.

I have this feeling that I left something out. Its one I cant shake. Help me out peeps. What are some of the things you only do for people you love? What are some things you look for someone to do who cares about you? Belvedere is listening.

Posted by Belvedere

WHO can I SUE?

2010-08-13T00:00:00.033-04:00

"My girl said I should sue my barber.
She's trippin like my edge aint fresh.
Do you think I can get waves?"

America has become a nation of sue happy people. There are dozens of websites and lawyer referral services that promise to hook up Americans with lawyers who will take their grievances to court. Hotlines are available 24/7 and some offer free consultations regarding whether you have a case worth fighting for. How preposterous has it gotten? People have sued McDonald's for not warning them that the coffee was hot.

Who does Belvedere want to sue?

I wanna sue the very first boy who handed me a "do you like me yes or no" note. I checked yes and he knew he wasnt ready for a commitment. He missed 2 lunch dates and failed to give me his french fries on Friday. He caused so much emotional anguish I didnt ride my bike for 3 days...and then LeeJohn passed me a note and it was on to the next one.

I wanna sue DISNEY for selling me the dreams of fairy tales & making me believe everyone lives happily ever after. What Disney failed to consider was that people like Alicia Keys & Gabrielle Union will court your man & snatch him up while your relationship is vulnerable. Imagine if Snow White's Prince charming met Superhead on his way to save her with his magical kiss. Snow White would still be sleeping and Prince Charming would be laid out with his kids somewhere in a napkin.

I wanna sue Myspace Tom for allowing his social network to fall off so quickly. It is because of this that Facebook has become regular stomping grounds for coonery and ignant comments. When I signed up for Facebook, it was a place for college students around the country to connect. Then it was opened up to everyone 18 and older. Then it was opened up to EVERYONE. I experience emotional distress caused by logging on to see how Cocoa Itookyourman Jones is upset that Potpurri SmellsLikeStrawberries Brown wont stop playing on her phone.

Who does Southern Comfort want to sue?

I wanna sue the DC METRO for all the back-pay they owe me. No one warned me when I swiped my Smartrip Card at the Greenbelt Station heading to Friendship Heights that it would cost me the equivalent of a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger Value Meal from Wendy’s with a Chocolate Frosty on the side, just going one-way. Someone could have given me a heads up that I would constantly be late for work because some tourist decides to try the metro during rush hour and gets motion sickness causing the trains to be delayed, only to leave me stuck on the one train that doesn’t have AC, next to the person who wants to cough without covering their mouth, while trying to navigate a place to hold on to because Jonathan wants to lean his entire body on the pole while reading his Kindle.

I would also like to sue all HBCU’s for promising me a top of the line education from some of the most prestigious higher learning institutions in the land. What they failed to share was that the majority of the administration is made up of old frat brothas, relatives, and friends of the family, who lack the ability to change, have a good attitude, or answer the simplest of questions. They could have sent a letter or something informing me that I would never receive my financial aid on time; that phone calls, voicemails, and faxes don’t get answered or checked; or that the first person I go to that should be able to help me with my problem will most likely not be able to help me. I’m just saying…I may have at least applied to some other institutions as a back-up.

We're here to give the people what they want. If you could sue anyone who would you sue? Would you join with Belvedere and/or Southern Comfort in their cases?

Posted by Belvedere & Southern Comfort

EPIC FAIL: 5 approaches that will guarantee a "HELL NO"

2010-08-12T00:00:00.000-04:00

YOU thought wrong. This aint what you want!

When a man approaches a woman who is a complete stranger its like learning how to Dougie to someone else's beat. Its awkward for everyone involved. The coolest cats can come off like Steve Urkel with pie on his face if their approach is wrong. While I admit women are a versatile and unpredictable people, as a member of said people I am risking my trump card by sharing my knowledge.

Some of it is our fault. We send mixed signals about our moods and its difficult to read our emotions. We say no when we mean yes and we say yes just to get you to shut up. We see spanx & push up bras as tools to get your attention risking your disappointment if we decide to let you see us naked. We say everything is fine when really we are working out our plan to become the next Lorena Bobbit. Blood on the dancefloor. Regardless of what she is thinking or what kind of mood a woman is in, Belvedere is here to tell you 5 situations that will GUARANTEE a hell no ~~from a decent woman~~. Strap up your vests and straight jackets, bullets and Louie bags are about to fly. Matrix.

1. Follow her (no twitter). This means in the mall, in your car, on a bus, on a train, on a boat or to hell. Dont ever follow a woman into a dark alley while she is walking alone. Dont ever follow a woman in your car while you sit on the passenger side and try to get her number. Do not follow her down the aisles of the grocery store. If she does not seem interested following her will not change her mind. She will think you are creepy. She might call the police and tell them she felt her life was threatened. Charges filed.

2. Jump in her walking path. If you see something about a woman that interests you, it shows a lack of experience and tact if you must resort to interrupting her path. Not on a train. Not on a boat. Not on a plane. Not in a box. Not on a sidewalk. Not on a bus. Logic: Obviously she is in motion because she has something to do. If she walking, her legs are helping her to get somewhere that ranges from the lavatory to an important meeting. It behooves you not to interrupt her mission. Failure to abide by this rule will result in her elbow meeting your belly and a possible mist of pepper spray. IT wont be pretty.

3. Stand with a group of men outside of a club and yell sexual innuendos. Matter of fact, dont yell anything at her ~~unless its dark and the lights are off~~. Its best if you stand alone and whisper your compliments. Standing in a group is the worst approach ever. Your success rate will be low even among bottomfeeders. Why? We think you have a bet going and many of us refuse to help you win. Why? Because we dont want to get with you because of some stupid bet. We know its not genuine. Who wants to be the subject of some stupid bet? See generally, The Wood. Don't ask who's is it. Not yours. No mackin. No hangin.

4. Wear Filthy Kicks/skuffed hard bottoms. You can tell a lot about a man from the way he keeps his shoes. If he doesnt bother to keep them clean, it will make us wonder what else you dont keep clean. There are exceptions to this rule, including things like I just stopped by (insert place here) after leaving work and I havent been home to change yet. Never under any circumstances should you wear your Sunday best and finish it off with dirty kicks. We're judging you. Even the Geico caveman knows better.

5. GRAB/PULL on her. Women are very particular about our personal space. If for any reason you cannot get her attention, you may make the judgment call to move closer. Do not pull her ~~weave~~ hair, grab her elbow or tugg at her hand. If you MUST touch her, a gentle touch to get her attention is all that is required. To strike a perfect balance, softly caress her with your fingertips and then wait to make eye contact. If she stops and smiles you have a chance. If she rolls her eyes and walks away *bullet sound* you've been shot down. Do not pass go. Give me $200.

Please note: I'd be remiss if I didnt acknolwedge how women make exceptions for people like Idris Elba. That brotha could interrupt my path, yell at me outside of a club, pull my hair and violate the rest of the rules and he would STILL get my number. I feel you judging me. His sweetness is the source of my hypocrisy. Either become Idris Elba, play by the rules or get a HELL NO.

Belvedere is a smart cookie but she feels like she missed something. Yes she is speaking of herself in the third person. Kanye. Ladies what approaches guarantee a HELL NO? Fellas what approaches have resulted in a HELL NO? Remember you may choose to post anonymously ~~just in case we know you.~~ Do share....

Posted by Belvedere

Staying In Touch

2010-08-10T22:32:00.000-04:00

I’m sure most of us have gone through the experience of getting over an ex. Occasionally, a break up is long over due, and time spent mourning the loss of the relationship is minimal; the desire to stay in touch is non-existent. But often the post break up process is just that: a process. It involves a mix of emotions that fluctuate from minute to minute, one moment you’re glad to be rid of your former mate and excited to go out and party as a single man/woman, the next moment you’re sad and/or lonely. “Staying friends” can often pro long the process. I’ve observed that when exes decide to remain friends, a lot of the expectations that were put in place during the relationship remain after it ends. Thus, comes the inevitable feeling of disappointment each ex-partner feels when their former significant other fails to live up to those expectations. Fails to return phone calls, fails to make time for those coffee/lunch dates set up so that former couples can “catch up.”

However, the pact to remain friends is often inevitable. Most people will advise former partners to end all contact with their exes(often sound advice), but lets be real, most former couples stay in touch or at least try to, especially given that most couples begin their relationships as friends. So then comes the complicated part of staying in touch. Navigating the line between too much contact, so that you’re unable to actually get over the former relationship, and no contact, leading to the loss of a friend. Since I make no claims of being a relationship expert, I’m opening the floor up to the readers of This Woman’s Work. Do you have any guidelines you follow when communicating with an ex after your relationship ends? Have any of you actually adhered to the rule that you must cut all ties to actually move on? How much communication is too much?

posted by
Bourgeois

The Necessity of Cheating

2010-08-10T00:33:00.001-04:00

Our society has programmed us to constantly want more. Nothing is ever good enough. First it was the cars that can magically park themselves. Then there were the crackberrys and iwillneverneedtobyanotherphone, because using a laptop or pc has become taboo. And let’s not forget the Snuggie, because I guess it was too much to ask to pull the covers back and grab the remote controller. SMH. There is always someone out there planning, plotting and scheming to create the next best thing. It’s all about convenience. How to get in and out with the least amount of complications.

There is always the necessity to discover new sources and outlets of satisfaction. Due to one’s inability to contain these inner wants many people sustain these needs through infidelity. While we have an excellent relationship at home, we cheat just to “verify” that fact or we cheat to make sure that we got the best product on the market. Belvedere’s article “Interview With a Female Cheater,” showcases that at the end of the day a woman is just as capable as a man to get what she wants when and how she wants it.

After reading Belvedere’s article it caused me to take a moment and ask myself…what is it that people get out of cheating besides their own selfish fulfillment. I even had one of my girlfriends provide me with her 5 rules to remember if you want to be a successful cheater:

1. Don’t cheat in the inner circle.

2. Never get too comfortable.

3. Take time away from cheating, so that he never suspects a thing.

4. Always keep a ni**a, a man, and a backup plan.

5. Make it worthwhile, so if you ever get caught you have no regrets.

But at the end of the day, what did all of this mean? Why Cheat? Why not just be single and free to spread your wings? Why risk the chance of getting caught and causing that “good girl/guy” to turn bad?

But after talking to a close friend, I was given another outlook on the necessity of cheating. It was simply put in the form of a question…

“Does cheating help or hurt, by opening your eyes to what you really have at home?”

Is it possible that cheating can help one realize that there’s no place like home OR could cheating be the straw that breaks the camel’s back by showing you that home is not where the heart is??

I'm all about Black Love...so why risk it all??? I've always lived by the 80-20 Rule. Never sacrifice your 80% at home for 20% in the street. So, what do you think TWW followers...is cheating a necessity??

Sharing is Caring…Keep It Real Family.

Posted By: Southern Comfort

Ventalation Issues?!?

2010-08-09T00:50:00.001-04:00

As we all know relationships can be tough, all the drama and heartache can drive you crazy if you don't vent to someone. The problem that many people run into is that they chose the wrong people to vent to, about their relationship issues. Others share information that they should really only share with their partner. I have been someone who shared a lot about my relationship woes, but I quickly learned that some people should not be privy to certain problems. So good people of TWW, here is a a guide to choosing that venting partner and why sharing is not always caring regarding relationships:

Rule # 1: Although you can rely on your family to have your back for any problem you face in life, this protective instinct is precisely why family members are not ideal for venting. Once you share a flaw about your partner to a family member they will hold on to that mess for life and all of a sudden they have a great dislike for your boo. Although it seems nice that they agree that you are right to feel the way you feel at the moment, once you get over and move on from this issue with your boo; your family member most likely won't.
If you see a future with your partner, that goes past boyfriend and girlfriend your gonna have to play catch up in convincing your family that your partner is the one.

Rule # 2: Don't forget that venting about the bad stuff is not the only kind of venting. When you constantly talk to our friends about how trifling your man is and how he never considers your feelings, they will get tired of listening. I know its not just me... but if a person has nothing good to say about their partner, I start to wonder why you continue with the relationship. If every other week you are having a problem within your relationship and you are blowing up my phone to vent, eventually it seems like you're not only wasting your time but you're also wasting mine. I'm just saying...maybe you should at least mix it up and comment on how happy you were that your man picked up the check this week at red lobster.

Rule # 3: When choosing a venting partner stay away from friends who never have a positive thing to say about men. Nothing ruins a perfectly normal relationship quicker than a Bitter Betty whispering in the ear of your partner. It's normal for couples to have disagreements and arguments..but trust that a small argument can be turned into the biggest issue as to why all men are the devil; as told by a bitter friend.
Case in point:
Girl in Relationship: Hey my bf left the milk out last night..ahh that drives me crazy
Friend: Wow I wouldn't put up with that mess... He doesn't respect your money. What he think you got a cow in the back yard? If he had bought that milk trust that it would be refrigerated...you need a real man that will respect that you are a hard working, strong and independent woman.

ummm..yeah
Rule # 4: Stay away from friends who are just a little too positive about your man and not your relationship with that man. If your friend is constantly asking about the negatives about your relationship and can go on and on in conversation about your relationship problems, but has nothing to say when you express how great things are in your relationship that's a problem. A venting partner should be able to show genuine joy for you when things in your relationship are going well and complete understanding when you need to shed a tear or two.

I know I missed a few..share what you think is essential in a venting partner or why and how you chose your venting buddy.

Posted by Straight Shooter

Where You At?

2010-08-05T22:48:00.000-04:00

Okay... picture this: so you want to have a girls night out and you call up your regular 4 girls, except girl number 3 is in a new relationship and has been MIA. I have been trying to be understanding of my bff and her new found love...BUT how long should I put up with this...ahhh...so here is what I have been thinking:

Why would a friend start disappearing because she has a new man? Shouldn't I be one of the first people to get all the juicy details. Instead all I get is her voicemail...voicemail people! I don't appreciate being avoided. As a friend this is the time where we should be sharing in the excitement. However, we have started to grow apart because she thinks that I can be placed on the back burner for someone she just met. Sorry to say this, but he's probably not going to be there in six months. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to block on your new relationship but our relationship should not suffer. So fast forward six months when he's no longer in the picture. Should I still be in the picture?

Ok to stay on the side of a supportive friend and not a sour puss..let me just say...I understand that when someone is newly in love they want to be around that person..it's natural and whatever...believe me I get it. I have given her what I believe to the appropriate amount of new boo lovin time (2 weeks); but it's time to reconnect with your friends. What happens when you want vent about this new romance? Who are you going to talk to when you guys have your first fight? or when he starts to get on your last nerve?

So dear friends, don't alienate your bff's when you meet that special someone...well you can but don't expect them to be there when things go south.

P.S: I miss my buddy..lets hope she comes up for air soon

So TWW world have you experienced a friend ditching you for a new boo? how did you cope with the separation anxiety?..let me know

Guest Blogger Fridays

- Post Written By Sistren

Dont have a cow! Not when you can get the milk for free!

2010-08-05T00:04:00.009-04:00

"Whats that?"
"Its Cambodian breast milk & its for sale"

Disclaimer: No 2 relationships are the same. I do not intend to generalize relationships nor do I claim to provide a cure-all for all relationships. This is no "magic" answer to any issue that plagues our relationships. Like a pole in the basement, Belvedere does this for entertainment. Moving right along...

Why wont he commit? This is a question women have ravaged our brains about since the Geico caveman discovered insurance.

Well ladies have you ever heard the phrase "Why BUY THE COW when I can get the milk for free"? Or "Why BUY THE COW when the milk is so cheap"?

There are a few other ways to say it:

*Why BUY a car, if I can just DRIVE it and put a little gas in it every now and then?
*Why BUY A CAR if I can drive it around the block a few times and never have to sign any papers to take it home?
*Why buy the whole pig just for a little bit of sausage? (I'm looking at you fellas)

Regardless of how you move the words around, it all means the same thing. Why should a man choose to make a long term investment in you when he can see the benefits right now? Why enter a monogamous committed relationship when you will continue to have sex with him without it?

We are the cow and the milk represents the benefits you get when the cow is well taken care of. Cows require feed, nurturing, cleaning, protection, seeing her through sick times and special attention. Although I dare not compare a woman to a cow, the way to reap the full benefits of a woman is to feed her ego, nurture her pride, protect her from harm and give her special attention unsolicited-among other things.

Here's the skinny: men do not commit because we do not demand it! If a man can enjoy all the luxuries of being your "hubby" without a commitment, quality time or monogamy why should he change that? Did she just say that? Yea she just said that.

Allow Belvedere to tell you a few things about FAKE vs REAL men:

FAKE men thrive on the predator-prey relationship. They see women as prey which translates into tactics that focus on the weak and injured. They stay away from strong women and the apples on the top of the tree because they require too much work. Further, because they deal with weak women it is easier for them to control the direction of the relationship.

A REAL man thinks with his ego. He thrives knowing he has a strong woman. He wants a trophy on his arm and he finds satisfaction in knowing he put in work to get her to stay with him. He may have dabbled in weaker women before but he has realized the power of having a strong woman made to love him. He respects her substance and her opinion and his relationships represent compromise not domination.

Sidenote: Belvedere is still a young tenderoni but in her lifetime it seems that girls have become so loose. So promiscuous. So easy. So willing to satisfy every man who tells her she is beautiful. So ready to risk AIDS, HIV, syphilis, herpes, and a host of other sexual disease. So willing to put themselves in a position to kill babies in their womb. Whats going on?
Think about it, if he can get in your panties before he knows your favorite color why should he care that you like purple? If you give it up before he knows about your endeavors with school why the hell should he care that you have a final tomorrow?
Ladies, we have to take responsibility for how we are treated. You cook, clean, swing from chandeliers and do his laundry WITHOUT a commitment. You sacrifice so much of yourself but still allow him to treat you like a red headed child in a black family: "you dont belong." If you allow such things to happen, you must not get upset when he backs off from your requests for a commitment. Why should he? Dont think for one second that you are "different" and the relationship will go any different because you Michael Jackson bad. Hold yourself accountable for your situation. If you give up the goods before asking for a commitment, you set yourself up for the okie doke. Soap on a rope.

Bottom line: Dont just imply what you want, demand it! If you dont want to have sex before he commits to you then DONT DO IT! If you dont want to move in together and "play house" before you get married then DONT DO IT! Dont just deal with bs because you dont want to be alone. Set your own standards and stick to them. Dont think giving it up will make him stay. If he has decided he doesnt want to stay in the first place, you can freak him all you want but he's gonna walk away.

Remember, if you carry yourself like a sick antelope, Mufasa is going to come after you.

Do you think its necessary to live with your spouse before you marry them? Do you think sex is necessary to show your mate how you feel? Belvedere is listening...

Posted by Belvedere

Songs That Make You Go…

2010-08-04T00:47:00.001-04:00

So while most women’s desire to have a soundtrack to accompany love making sessions typically wanes after they’ve actually had the experience and realized it really does nothing to enhance the act (if you’re doing it right, you’ll be too busy focusing on those tingles down there to really even notice the music), there are some songs that can immediately put any woman in the mood. When I say immediately, I mean if girl and guy are cruising in a car and one of these songs comes on, girl is probably seriously contemplating climbing over that divider mess in the center of the car to jump in guy’s lap, that is assuming said guy is relatively attractive. Just like being funny, grooming, and smelling delicious can enhance the appeal of any man for a woman, playing any one of the following songs in a woman’s presence can enhance a man’s appeal as well.

Keeping with my list making theme of late, here are the top ten songs that will make a woman w*t. The order of the list is not significant, because really, it would be an impossible feat to rank these songs from the one most likely to make a woman … um you know… just from listening, to the one least likely to accomplish that task.

1. Whenever, Wherever, Whatever – Maxwell

There is something about Maxwell. That voice, his sexiness, his swag, his je ne sais quoi. Whenever, Whatever, Whatever is everything that women love about Maxwell embodied in a song.

2. You Belong To Me – Trey Songz

Trey Songz is the new king of making songs about sex, but none of his songs will make a girl drop her panties quite as quickly as this one will.

3. Marathon – Raheem DeVaughn feat. Floetry

4. Can You Handle It – Usher

5. How Does It Feel – D’Angelo

This is one of the sexiest songs ever.

6. Last Night – Az Yet

I introduced a friend of mine to this song during our sophomore year in college. No lie she listened to this song on repeat while pleasuring herself for a good six months!

7. Speechless – Beyonce

Most men probably think women go crazy for Dangerously In Love, and we do. But no Beyonce jam puts us in the mood quite like Speechless.

8. Any Time, Any Place – Janet Jackson

9. That’s Just My Way – Eric Benet

Just listen to the lyrics and you will understand…

“Feel me, take me in slowly, so you can understand how deep my love can go …”  and that’s only the beginning. For any man who can’t understand how or why Halle fell for Eric, that song is why!

10. Teach You A Lesson – Robin Thicke

Honestly, I just wanted a Robin Thicke song on the list because pretty much every song on The Evolution of Robin Thicke made all of the black women I know want to make mixed babies with this suave R&B singing white man.

*Honorable mention: The following songs didn’t quite make my list, but they will still do the trick of putting your woman in the mood: Take You Down (Chris Brown), Say Yes (Floetry), Say It (Neyo).

What do you all think, am I way off in my observation that the right soundtrack can make a man exponentially more attractive to a woman. What about my list, did I miss any songs that you think belong up there?

~Bourgeois

Game Recognize Game: And you're lookin’ kinda unfamiliar right now

2010-08-03T00:05:00.005-04:00

Defined: One person uses tricks or cons by twisting words and phrases to get what they want from another person, but the second person identifies the words as a trick or con, understands the deception and tells them they have been caught.

Ladies, why is it that men feel that because they played a little football or basketball back in high school or dabbled in intramural sports in college, that they are the only ones capable of recognizing a good game or solid athlete when they see one? Who do they think sat on the sidelines at every game, watching, cheering, eyeing the competition, and taking mental notes of the necessary changes to improve in the next game???

The best way to recognize game is to learn it. As a female, you should always keep one good guy friend on the team. This person will serve as your coach. He will teach you the game and all it’s in and outs. He’s the one person who will be honest and tell you when your game is a little off and what changes you need to make before becoming you're ready for your first real game. Your job is to observe and learn from the coach during his interaction with other players and coaches in order to become your own MVP.

Ladies, here are a few signs that your man is running game:

- When out on a date he is sending text messages the entire time
- He never answers the phone when you call; he always has to call you back
- The majority of you conversations are over text messages
- He can’t talk after a certain time
- You talk at the EXACT same time every night
- He won’t add you on Facebook or claims he doesn’t have one
- You’ve never actually met any of his friends
- You never go to his place, you always get a hotel
- He keeps his phone on vibrate
- He picks you up in a car that’s not his
- He only wants to go out on weekdays, even when he’s off on the weekends.

Gentleman, consider this the new game plan…here is a brief list of things you should avoid when attempting to run game on a seasoned female athlete.

- Drunk phone calls at 2am.
- Making googly eyes at another woman
- Leaving the house after midnight to run an errand
- Coming in 3 hours after all the clubs have closed
- Stepping out of the room to use your phone

These are just a few examples, but believe me there are so many more.

Feel free to pick up your controller and share your thoughts…Keep It Real Family.

Posted by: Southern Comfort

She Got It From Her Daddy

2010-08-01T23:13:00.000-04:00

The importance of having a father/father figure in a young persons life is something that has been a topic of conversation for many years. I've always understood why it was important for young men to have a father around but I had to really sit and think why it is just as important for girls...(especially in their romantic interactions) Follow me

Protector: Although women today are growing into protector roles....there is no better feeling than knowing that your man would jump in front of traffic to save you...or hold your hand as yal run from a guy who would most likely beat the crap out of your boo.

As a girl your father shows you the strength and bravery of a man...from killing spiders, mice, and mosquito's to checking downstairs when you hear a noise in the middle of the night.

Provider: Over the years I have perfected my sad faces and puppy eyes on my dad. In fact all my best techniques to just getting my way in general comes from years of practice; basically knowing when to smile or bat an eye lash.
Please believe the ways of a woman can get a man (if he cares about you) to surrender to the wants of a woman (not a power to be used lightly). Without dear old dad some women tend to forget or just don't know that they have this skill.

Love: I've always heard that a girls first love should be her dad. A father's love is one without expectations and should demonstrate (some what) how you should be treated by a man. Although your boyfriend or husband may expect some things he should love and treat you as though he loves you because of and despite yourself.

Most Important- knowing that your man is not your father...which in turn allows you to shut him down when he tries to act the part. I'm just saying...

I'm sure I have left out something...what do you think women learn from their fathers regarding relationships?

Posted by Straight Shooter

Interview With a Female Cheater Volume 1 Chapter 2

2010-07-30T00:04:00.004-04:00

Editors Note: TWW decided to forgo Guest Blogger Fridays in favor of posting Chapter 2 of our interview with a female cheater. Moving on...

Before you read the remainder of the interview, check out Volume 1 Chapter 1 first.

Belvedere: How long did it last?
Pink Panther: 8 months.

Belvedere: 8-6=2. So you mean to tell me you managed to stop having sex with your boyfriend, who you were living with, for two months and he thought that was ok? *side eye*
Pink Panther: We were still intimate for the first 6 months of the affair but yea for the last 2 months I convinced my bf I wasnt in the mood. I felt like he knew but he didnt know how to approach me about it. He later told me I was the first woman who ever cheated on him. Thats one hell of a first huh?

Belvedere: Did Marcus have a girlfriend or someone else?
Pink Panther: He didnt. It made things a little less complicated.

Belvedere: Would you have started the affair if he had a girl?
Pink Panther: Heck NO! I stay away from men with girlfriends. Women are crazy for their men.

Belvedere: Were you afraid of getting caught?
Pink Panther: I didnt consider it because I thought I was too smart to get caught. I thought about all the things people do to catch their mate cheating and I covered my tracks: Marcus was saved as Marsha in my phone; if he needed to call me while at home, his sister called first; I kept up our date nights and all that stuff. I was an actress and if my life were the Truman show I'd get an Oscar! *laughs*

Belvedere: Why did it end?
Pink Panther: The novelty of it wore off. It became too much work. Too much lying and sneaking around. I started to feel dirty. I was paranoid about who knew. I was scared my bf would find out from someone else. I was petrified of coming home one day and he had found out. I wasn’t emotionally involved anymore because I felt so guilty.

Belvedere: How did it end?
Pink Panther: I ended it. I switched jobs. I met with him one last time and broke ties. I also changed my number & convinced my boyfriend we should move. I found a good deal on a new apartment but the reality was I was afraid someone might show up to our apartment while I was away and tell my bf. We lived in a gated community but we all know there is a way around even the best security gates.

Belvedere: Do you think Marcus loved you?
Pink Panther: Yes. People might say I'm stupid to think he had feelings for me knowing I had a man at home, but at the time I truly believed he cared for me. Our relationship (if you wanna call it that) was not just a sexual connection, it was emotional. We could sit for hours without saying a word and I would leave feeling like I had just left a therapy session. Sometimes I just wanted to sit and listen to his heart beat. Towards the end he pressured me to leave my boo but I resisted. I think there was love between us. A forbidden love. If I saw him today I think I would still get butterflies.

Belvedere: Did your boo ever find out?
Pink Panther: Like I said before, I think to a certain extent he knew already. I couldn’t continue our relationship knowing what I had done so I went to him one day and confessed. I wanted him to decide whether he wanted to go on. My speech started like those people on Maury "You know I love you right?..."

Belvedere: Say it aint so! He must have been heartbroken!
Pink Panther: He was. I had known this man half my life and I had never seen him cry. That night he cried like a baby. He kept asking was it because of something he did wrong. Like that "maybe I deserve song" ya know? He said he could forgive me so we tried to work it out. We ended it because I couldnt forgive myself. I couldn’t be intimate with him anymore. I will never forget his words "I was a good n**ga to you and you lied to me. I don’t think I can ever trust another female again. Congratulations, you just messed it up for every woman after you!" That crushed me. We ended it once our lease on our new spot was up.

Belvedere: Are you afraid of how people will judge you?
Pink Panther: I used to worry so much about what people think about me. Now I don’t care. I was young. I made mistakes. Now I've been on both sides of an affair and I pray karma is done with me. I'm not ashamed of anything I've done. I've since told all my girlfriends about the affair.

Belvedere: If you could describe your experience in one word...
Pink Panther: STRESSFUL!

Belvedere: What advice do you have for women who are cheating or are considering having an affair?
Pink Panther: I would tell them not to do it. If I had the chance to do it all again I'm not sure if I would do it over. I learned a lot about myself through the affair-lessons I might not have known otherwise. BUT I also hurt a lot of people along the way. Everyday I have to live with the fact that I ruined a great black man because of my selfish ways. Now every woman he dates after me will experience heartbreak. I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy.

There you have it folks!

What does Belvedere think? People cheat because there is someone there to cheat with them. Read between those lines.

The Pink Panther will be online from 12pm-5pm TODAY ONLY as "Pink Panther" to answer any questions and respond to any comments you may choose to share. Seize the opportunity to ask questions you've always wanted to ask! Tell a friend!

Again I ask, how do you feel about a female who cheats? Is it "different" because of double standards or is a cheating woman just as low down as a cheating man? Tell Belvedere how you feel...

Posted by Belvedere