Ad astra per aspera!

Mind over Matter...

2014-09-24T19:11:00.001-07:00

"I believe in ghosts. They're the ones who haunt us, the ones who have left us behind. Many times in my life I have felt them around me, observing, witnessing, when no one in the living world knew or cared what happened." -Orphan Train

Chemo, such a scary word for those with cancer, or so I thought...

Let me start from the beginning. I have know since getting multiple sclerosis that chemo (a different type from the cancer chemo) was an option and I've prepared myself for it once before, but not now. My marriage, it's at it's best, he has seen all my faults and loves me just the same. How and when I got so lucky, I still do not know, but every day the thought of him brings a smile to my face. I feel well at the moment, sure I have the annoying constants of burning sensations and fatigue but aside from that, I feel fine (we'll ignore the fact that I am forgetting a lot of things and even locked us out of the house).

I was finally able to get a neurologist at Nellis base and to my surprise, he was a doc I had seen in Hawaii, really sweet and professional. We spend 2 hours in my 45 minute appointment because at seeing my newest MRI, we all panicked. MS MRIs are something I've always considered to be cute in a childlike way...just a sky full of stars (lesions) but what can you consider it when the night sky is simply bright white? It seems that although I'm taking Tecfidera twice a day, when it comes to me, they are not working. Don't get me wrong, I was so excited that Tecfidera was made by the makers of Tysabri, a drug that brought me back to normal, except after taking Tysabri twice in 2 year increments (since it likes to misbehave after 2 years) by turning your brain into moosh which results in death. Knowing that 2/3rds (both frontal and mid portion) of my brain are currently active and only 1/3 actually working I've finally realized that with the help of God, it really is MIND OVER MATTER.

Now, about a year later since I started the pills and have taken it religiously twice a day, I will get another MRI this Friday to see if it continues to be so bad and for the first time I feel like MS has brought out the big guns and as scared as I may be, I am ready!!! I will be tested again to see if I do still carry the virus that kills and if I no longer do, then yes it'll be Tysabri again. If I am still positive then, I will start using chemo. I've been told that it doesn't really make you lose hair like the cancer chemo so in that respect I'm not really worried, however, chemo can give you cancer and that worries both me and Britt (he's a cancer survivor so he knows what I'd go through). As much as I just want to yell, "bring it bitch" I can't deny that I will not give up without a fight, you can bet on that! While my body has told me that I'll be lucky if I make it to 35, I've only felt the pain in form of nightmares which I haven't had since I was a child. The idea does make me start dealing with MS and negotiating, not yet, please not yet, I'm okay with 5 more years, just at least give me that much because (although I may be mistaken) my life insurance goes up in price yet again...I've been paying for it for 8 years already so give my family their money. Smile people, it's not like I'm saying I'm dying tomorrow!

Please keep me in your prayers and God bless,
Emme

I've been here before...

2014-07-22T20:57:00.001-07:00

How many times, have I NOT been here before...the same thing, "you're lesions are acting up and are now active." It's been 6 years that I have been hearing those words time and time again...I already knew, I was already dropping some of my medications and letting go of prozac seemed to me to have solved the problem. But that wasn't what was wrong this time...

Every time this happens I think about my months before leaving for Afghanistan, when the army had finally believed that something was wrong with me and had approved me for an MRI. Back to that day, when 1ST had a talk with me about NOT taking that MRI, because IF they found something, I would no long be deploy-able, and I was needed he said. Needed for what 1SG, to have someone to keep you distracted while we were out there??? I'm sorry I didn't place my bigger boobs on your desk like Courtney use to (I would have won if I had, because mine are way bigger) but I suppose I was needed out there for the drama that always followed me thanks to Hos. Courtney, when will you tell Flaherty that whatever happened that day that she was mad at me for losing my mask wasn't even my fault, because the last thing I had said that day, was "while yes I made have given it to SSG Flaherty, let me go check, since no one had told me we were suppose to turn them back in" but SSG was so mad, I always thought they she had gotten yelled at for my mistake too and I remember that before we took off, 1SG would bring Courtney and I in to ask about who was giving up problems so he could find a reason for him to yell at them for and I figure, that day, Flaherty had been on the shit list. But anyways, enough of that, while I found a way to look beyond the bombs and the Taliban, I actually found myself out there and actually had a good time looking up at the stars. I've always wondered though, how much longer would I have to live had I stayed in Germany and started treating my MS 1 year sooner???

Call me superstitious (I am Mexican you know), but I've known since the age 8 that something was not right with me. I started asking for back massages since that age, because even then, my back would always hurt so bad...BUT we always blamed it on getting hit by a car at age 6. Thing is, I always knew it was worse, had always prepared myself for that day when I stood in the doctors office and got the bad news, I just always thought it would be cancer and that I would get a time frame, never this, never MS. "Don't worry, you're going to be okay," that was the last thing you told me Chong, that night that I left Afghanistan, and the first time, I realized that day for the bad news was only hours away. I have never forgotten those words Chong, so I want to thank you for having told me that, because those words are still my mantra...things are ok, I will be okay. I WILL BE OKAY!

God Bless,

Michelle

Lone Ranger

2014-06-02T21:54:00.002-07:00

Aside from being the title of a great movie with Johnny Depp, those two words have always in a way, been what I considered myself, simply a lone ranger! This movie however means more than just having a title I can relate not on an individual level,but on a cultural level!

I had started this blog, long before V. nobody came about and messed with a poor foolish ma that as far as I have read, suffers from dementia. Stupid stupid women, way to make us look bad!!! Although I am from California, I have never really cared for the Clippers, HOWEVER my husband had just worked with the coach that had just been transferred from Boston to the Clippers and because my husband always talked so high about him I had learned to love the coach. Being someone that also studies psychology, I know enough about dementia and the sort and know that you have to take what they say with a grain of salt. But anyways, this blog was never about any of them. Racism still exists, and not just against black people, I learned that in all white Maine, lol!!!

But Lone Ranger, for me, never had to do with race, but just the idea of me against the world. Trust me when I say that my life was never suppose to be that way, I didn't want to block everyone out of my life, life, and those around me, never really had the time to notice the bratty little girl that I was and the few that did never stuck around for too long, so in so many ways, I raised myself with books and school. My siblings, where 9-10 years older than me so they wanted nothing to do with me, so I pretty much only had Nano, my gay friend, who let go of me and went his own way by the time I was in Junior High. So then it was just me and the books again and the t.v., because watching Family Matters or Urcle or even friends, made me feel like life wasn't as shitty as it really was. To join the army and have to be "part of a platoon" was harder than anyone knew for that reason. I had taken that CIA test once, long before I had even thought about the military, you know that test that you use to be able to take IF you wanted to know what CIA job would be best for you??? They don't have that test anymore, I've looked, but back then, it suggested I work as a lone agent, thing is I often think about that....IF I would have gotten counter intel in the Army, would I have finally been able to make my secret dream come true? Lauren, you have been on my mind a lot too...can you understand now why I told on you??? I saw you learning from me, becoming a lot like me and I didn't want that, not for you. You're beautiful self, deserved so much I thought, so much more than my shitty lonely life, not to mentioned, you broke rule number 1, you never promise any one guy a forever IF you are seeing multiple, but I didn't know how to flat out tell you that back then. When our boyfriends were living on separate floors of the same house, you don't know how bad I wanted to run downstairs and have a cigarette with you when I'd hear you yelling, but I knew what I had done, and I knew that I didn't deserve to be your friend anymore. I've missed you, been missing you, needing my way prettier sister.

God Bless,
Emme

Dangerous Memories

2014-05-21T22:10:00.003-07:00

How do I even start to explain myself,when my brain is badly damaged and my emotions can't always be trusted. I continue to tell myself to stop looking into the past...it's back there for a reason...the job, never liked it, the friends disappeared, and in life, I always say that honestly in these 30 years I've lived I've accomplished more then I had ever imagined, so stop, fucked up brain girly emotions. IF IT WAS MEANT TO BE I WOULDN'T BE RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW in this beautiful house with a beautiful family. I hope and pray that the rest of you are enjoying your lives too! Secret squirrels, if you miss me, call, write I'm still here just as moody, but I'm done. We've all walked away and have been doing well, so why look back into 8 years ago...there's nothing there, not anymore!

Advice

2014-05-10T16:00:00.001-07:00

Although I have mentally written to other blogs, I wanted to stop and give you some advice that I told myself since I was in high school...once you've landed on your feet...trust in God and make the best of your surroundings. I think growing up in a Disney world, we search for the happily ever after that we forget, that every breath we take should bring a smile to our face! You brought yourself to this point your in, to deny, to turn away from the choice you made, is honesty to admit that you did it all wrong. If you're anything like me, you'll know you didn't!

God bless,
Emme

Monsters and Angels

2014-04-05T18:18:00.002-07:00

I remember growing up wanting to be a model and having to go to elemantery school and only hear (from the boys in class and hater little girls) that I needed to gain some more weight, get a big butt and Lord did it get to me. To make things worse when I was 6, I got hit by a car when I was driving my bike across the street and since my parent's house was holding a Mexican novenario (prayer for the desist) and my friend Gaby was having a birthday party so you can just imagine how many people came to my rescue. Let me be the "adult" here and lecture you on one thing, when a child or anyone really is on the ground and in need of medical assistance, leave them alone (but cover them) UNTIL medical help arrives!!!!!!!!!! The first to reach me, was my uncle "Boots" like we call him dearly, and after insisting that I wake up and walk to which I couldn't, he asked Zefe a man know to be a "sobador" (a Mexican "chiropracter") to come help and make me better. I was picked up into someone's arms and Zefe got to fixing my leg with all good intentions I'm sure but did more damage then good. I had broken my femur, the strongest bone in the body...I don't remember much of that day, remember seeing the car before I crossed the street and thinking I could be faster, then remember waking up as I was being put into the ambulance and seeing the cops interrogate the driver, to which I yelled out that it was my fault. I never cried that day, BECAUSE I was so afraid of my father yelling at me, so I took that break like a champ. I didn't wake up again until I was in the operating room and watching the doctors cut open my outfit and then not again until I woke up alone in a room full of empty beds. I spent 1 month in the hospital while the doctors tried putting my femur and tibia back together. I had 3 surgeries, because as I cussed them out, they messed up the first time, I'll also take blame for again cussing them out the second time and the metal rod they attempted started infecting my leg. The third time finally worked and there I was, my left leg being hung up in the air, 4 empty wholes, 1 huge rod holding 2 ropes which at the other end held bags of sand and assisted to put the tibia back in place with the femur. The nurses always joked that that I was going to get kicked out of my bed since so many people stop buy to give me a gift, but I was 6, all I wanted was to see my friends which thanks to the fact that my room was right next to the kid's play room, none of them ever really stopped in to see me...they were always playing in the room next door, OR they started crying as soon as they saw how bad I looked. To make matter's worse, half way through my stay I was given medicine in strawberry milkshakes...I use to love strawberry milk shakes but that medicine was soooo bad, so yucky that those drinks always came back up and ended up all over my bed and my poor mother was constantly ignored, so there I laid, for hours at a time in my yucky Milkshake until someone finally paid attention. I got a full body cast when I finally got to home for a whole month, my left leg covered all the way to my toes, my right leg covered to my knee, my mid section up to my chest, with only one big hole to be able to go to the bathroom, and a huge stick between my left and right leg to not allow my legs to never connect and damage the left leg...So there I was know, 6 and having to learn how to walk again, have home schooling. When I finally got back to my 1st grade class, I never wore anything short again, but the bullies were ruthless...not only was I considered too skinny, no big butt, and 6 precious holes right below my knee...if that doesn't give you a complex, I don't know what will! After the accident, I started 2nd grade, and met my first angel...my teacher, Mrs. Wong. She always called me her little princess and gave me extra gold fishes for all my right answers!!! To this day, she is in my heart and my favorite teacher because she was the good, in my always shitty home environment!

"Taking many lovers, [I] developed a terrible reputation at [my] job..." (The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe) in the military, but know it wasn't "lovers" as in one was in my bed everyday, more like relationships where 3 were waiting when one walked away. But the story doesn't start there, it begins in a bath tub and a secret. "...Perhaps even being forced into adulthood..." sigh, being shown to do something that only adults should know how to do when you are 4 or 5 is always a secret, isn't it, our secret. From that young age, I learned that IF I wanted the love my parents were too busy to give me, I began to believe that I needed to do something sexual, that that was the only way I'd hear I love you. I "couldn't feel myself and I thought that the world had ended. Everything seemed so far away and like nothing else could" be well anymore. Sigh, because I have heard since I became willing to open about that day, I've realized that more and more people I meet are willing to share that they have gone through similar situations, and let me be adult again, and tell you, that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Unfortunately bad people are everywhere so it will happen, HOWEVER, you've made me! IF this has happened to you and you're reading this, YOU MADE IT!!! So the next time you feel like crying, stop yourself and turn those sad tears into happy tears, because you made it!!!

Of course, the bullies in Elementary school were really a joke...I met the big bullies once I got the military! I would never say, I'm a beautiful girl, I'm okay, and IF I take the time to fix myself up I can look pretty, but never beautiful...I was taught to be humble! In the gold ol' army though, any overweight girl, of girl that didn't consider themselves "ok" LOVED picking on me. I started A school engaged which did not work out and the next day, I was getting proposed to by the cutest guy in the unit...oh lord, what a mess that became! I didn't marry that guy either because my FIRST fiance had walked back in to my life, told a bunch of lies and cost that engagement! I had been engaged 3 times by the time I was 18 and while I don't regret ANY of the engagements, only 1 survived in a friendship. Anyways, in A school, the fatties hated BAD on me when Jared proposed, like I said, he was the cutest guy in the unit and they did not like that I was getting flowers and the such. Every night we have to sit outside our rooms for drill sergeant to take bedroom check, and the girls would hit there talking about they could smell the sex...ha, don't hate!!! Thing is, after that engagement was canceled I began dating a marine with a car...nice, and I can say, he was the best boyfriend EVER and in every way, MY ANGEL! Turned me into a real life pretty woman, and made me classier than my parents had ever taught me to be, should have taught me how to drive since my parents never did, but that's a whole different story! Once I was in a relationship that I felt secure in, I became the bully! My then boyfriend was nice, and he let his marine friends to borrow his car to take his army girl friends out. Back in those days, A school worked in a home prize type of environment, do good in school and you get rewarded! The marines that were borrowing his car, were taking army chicks that had not yet earned the privilege to go off base, so I become the one making loud comments to the young girls. I know bullying isn't right, I know that it can caused a lot of damage, but understand, that those that are bulling you are doing it because that's exactly how they feel!!! For all those girls that are telling you you're too fat, are doing it because although they may be skinny in your eyes, doesn't mean they don't get called fat at home! Or those that pick on you cause you're gay, they either heard the same words towards them OR they may be thinking about coming out of the closest too. Know, that bullies are the ones with the emotional problems, so you shouldn't cause you any! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, STRONG, FUNNY, SMART AND UNSTOPPABLE!

"The only thing to fear, is fear itself" Franklin D. Roosevelt. While this quote has always been one of my favorite I didn't apply it to my life until I was serving in the war and again this year when I finally learned to quietly embrace multiple sclerosis. So, my advice to you, if you'll take any is to go ahead and fall, cry your eyes out, and then pick yourself back up, hold your head up high and continue walking towards your dream! Psychology will tell you, that once you've overcome one PTSD event, any other event that can cause PTSD will seem like a piece of cake! So, smile because like I said before, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, STRONG, FUNNY, SMART AND UNSTOPPABLE!!!

God Bless,
Emme

What Happens Now???

2014-04-02T18:21:00.003-07:00

I've been hear before, with those very same words...what happens now? My husband hates that I haven't let go of the military, but how can I when my life brings me back to the same feeling I felt that day??? Sigh, back then,8 years ago, I already had my plan, register for a college in Texas, buy a house and start my new life...but of course, life, God, karma, something, whatever brought on the precious multiple sclerosis, and yes, I talk about MS a lot, but how can I not, when my left arm is struggling to move?

So now, here I am dying of cold with this difficult snow and you can't deny that Jesus is not happy with us right now. Okay, on the serious side, I'm moving to warming weather which also brought back different memories. Britt has always asked "where do you want to live?" Sigh, I would have originally said Germany, but I'm starting to believe that that is where I got MS, but not anymore, since we are going to a desert, it finally came to me that the first place I felt I was home in, was Arizona...a very brutal sun that left a mean farmer's tan (there was no way to look cute in a dress with that!) Then came Afghanistan, with extremely hot summers and very cold winters and yet, I use to love staying out to see all the stars out there. So now I'm off to Vegas a place I have always consider Satan's playground BECAUSE I know that weather is going to make me feel a little better.

So, I have decided to give myself 2 years, just 2 quick years to sample the weather knowing full well that the sun, while CAN make me feel better might just affect my Durkish Delight might have the opposite outcome and his Milenoma might come back but with God's help everything will be okay!!! IF everything is good to go, I am willing to start convincing Britt to have a child with me (he doesn't want a kid, but who wouldn't want another ME)!!! I am well aware that having a child with my MS is going to be like asking to die, BUT I'm a tough girl...I will put my health in God's hands and rest assure knowing I have life insurance and my family will be taken care of!

God Bless,
Emme

Mami Dearest

2014-02-24T08:42:00.000-08:00

I can't deny that when I was young, I was as Mexican as Mexican can get. I'm first generation American born, and I grew up with Los Bukis, Vicente Fernandez, Juanga and the sort, I was a lost girl with one foot in each country and waving two flags. I was unaware of the differences (I use to hear "la migra" and learned to run) however, in my house there was only 1 voice and that was my father's.

Let me not ignore the fact that my father, when I grew up, was always drunk. Parties were constant and the day after, picking up the bottles to recycle only to sell back, was a chore. My father was scary, not in so many ways mean (at least not to me) and super loud regardless of weather or he was yelling or simply laughing. I have constantly said, that you could hear him talking on the phone 3 houses away and I wasn't kidding. My older brothers, who are 10 and 9 older respectably, had already moved into the back house and had left me alone to deal with the drama. We all knew what was happening in our home, BUT why let me deal with it alone??? I know you hated me for being daddy's princess, but you all had mom...me, I got dragged by the ear all the way to the bus stop only to have the bus driver laugh and say I probably deserved it.

Those drinking days where on some level fun. We had parties all the time, and my parents had made their place high in the Mexican social circle, the party however didn't last. Things were different when the lights when off and the "friends" left. Of what use to happen, still hurts to bring up, but I'm sure it is known since it unfortunately occurs too often in many homes. Red, blue and black, that's what my flag became...the eagle long gone, and the snake being the only survivor! Do not get me wrong, he never laid a hand on me, that's not his role, any real Mexican will tell you, that is the mother's job. Trust me, I wanted to look away, many times, play the music louder, lock my bedroom door, and pray for everything to go away but I never could. Like 2pac once said, Lady...
"Dear mama, place no one above ya, sweet lady. You are appreciated, don't cha know we love ya?

Our momma, mami, grandma, daddy whatever you call her, isn't it she the one that forms in so many ways, the rest of your life??? It was my father that taught me how to be a lady, it was my mom whom taught me to always go where the money is, but is that right? Yeah I never thought so either, although, I did enjoy all my expensive things. I suppose you can say, I learned to be like my father, just straight strong and cold. My mother always cried, always was too scared, and she had every right too be, BUT that was not who I wanted to be. I took after my father, to my mom's worst nightmare, but I'm not as naïve. Mother's they know a lot of things, not just mine but all of them. I've had 2 mothers tell me point blank to walk away from their sons. Let me explain, at the point when I'm constantly in tears, they find it in their hearts to say, "yeah no, walk away, he's seeing someone else." The first time, was simply that, my first and I really thought I could make it last for ever...lol, NO what a mistake! The other one, I suppose means more to me then the first because we were in a place where we needed love the most. War, it does things to you, thing you'd never hope you never saw, and out there, I'm sorry to say that a woman does become a mother with everyone around them, and the men, they become the worst liars you ever meet. You learn to trust the I love you's as truth, not knowing who is really before you. My old gray eyes, my Mr. Blue, you have broken my heart more times then I should ever allow! Sweetheart, you're a great guy and you know that you will never have trouble finding someone right for you! Sweetie, I think even you know that 1) you are racist and 2) you maybe a bit of a psychopath. Do yourself a favor and get a therapist, a real therapist, I still don't have one and lately I'm dying more then anything else. You're friend (RIP) had told you who you'd marry, look for her, get better for her! My heart is spoken for already and I'm happy! I know the day will come when you are happy too!

Sigh, mami dearest, know that while you didn't get to be my BFF, you left a son that I know loves you, and he still wants to be your BFF. Dear Mami, you are starting over with your grandchildren, let me only ask you to not let them walk all over like I did. No more, chili con sal, because now I have GERD, and although you warned me, you know kids don't listen!!! No more fatty food for dad, because now that he's older, that bad cholesterol is killing him, and you, my gosh, you have diabetes! Be more careful of what the family eats, sure we come from a healthy family, BUT we're not invincible! Our blood can be spared as any other! I love you all, you are my family.

God Bless,
Michelle

2 Months...

2014-02-08T17:44:00.000-08:00

It has been two months...2 months since I have been waiting for my Tecfidera!!! While I am moving to a place where I will finally be dealing with my own people, but am I really going to have to wait 3 months??? I understand I can deal with a whole lot BUT GOD, forgive me for what I did!!! I'm knocking on heavens door, answer me already!!!

Faith, Esperanza and Everything in Between

2014-01-19T17:40:00.000-08:00

With how shitty I have always thought my life to be, there was always something there looking out for me and even in days when I've denounced my faith, religious people I have met along the way have always asked, well do you at least believe in Angels?!?! And I always thought "what a silly question, do I believe in angels, of course I believe in angels!"

I can tell you, I always knew my guardian angel was a male because I "heard" him sometimes before a song when the disc jokey has signed off and "someone" says this one is for you....it was always a song I already loved but hadn't heard in awhile. OR I "saw him" in a dream perhaps, but you know when some dream feels so real that it wakes you up??? Yeah, he woke me up one night, when I was sleeping in the base that had once belonged to Hitler's Air Force during WWII (talk about scary). I was informally living in a guy friend's room while he was deployed, who also had a roommate...the best roommate I've ever had if I'm honest. Who knew, that one guy whom I had never really dealt with, until I needed to move out of my room because of a bad roommate would make such a difference in my life. So anyways, I'm wasting time, Mike we'll call him, was dating a German girlfriend, whom he broke up with every weekend, so every Saturday he was would show up and wake me up to vent about the girlfriend, but while I was starting to see the beginning traits of MS, on that one Saturday that I had that dream that woke me up, I thought it was Mike again, so I yelled at him, NOT TODAY! I went back to my "safe zone" of hiding underneath my blanket (how many of us, weren't told to hide from the 'cucucky' and go to sleep??? So I hid from the bad guy and started saying my prayers and in between prayers, I all of a sudden realized that what had broken me up was not Mike, but a German Soldier (yes I know, now I believe in ghosts - don't judge me I was raised by Mexican parents that only got to 5th Grade) but I swear to you, that's who I saw, a German Soldier that was just staring at me, with this curious look trying to figure out how this girl with black hair had gotten into his bed.

Now, to quote Paul Ryan's mom, "You have 2 ears and only 1 mouth, so use them accordingly." And just like the congressman said, I haven't always applied that advice myself...impatient spicy Latina that I am, I inherited my dad's father's traits of borderline personality disorder that creates illusions of grandeur that makes you believe you know the right way, and if anyone you care about refuses to see things your way, you become Hitler himself! This stupid illness of mine walks a think line between acting like Hitler and acting like Mother Theresa

So what am I trying to say? Well, the older I get the more I realize that I've had angels all along the way, my second grade teacher (thank you for teaching me I was a princess), my third grade teacher (thank you, for following Wong's path), my singing teacher for finding my voice, my 6th grade teacher who put up with our BS (right Vannie), Chris my Negro, (thank you for thinking I was too precious to want more than just a sabor a mi), Valle (thank you for teaching me just how bad a rose can make you bleed...may we never meet again), Mike U. (thank you for picking up the peices to my heart and putting it back), Nano G. (I'm sorry, for the lost years, but I am happy to hear you have found the one, thank you Mrs. G for making him happy), thank you, to all of you that I met in Afghanistan, for the hard times, for the laughs, miss you angels, Charlie), and thank you to my family from AIT for always making me feel like home! Mike C. thank you for believing in me so much, you've made me believe in myself, and to the college military guys thanks for being in my unit! Britt, thank you for teaching me that looks really are skin deep, for being the best accountant I could ever ask for, you really do deserve the world! And Ted, thank you, for coming back into my life when I need you the most, this time please don't leave again!

P.S. I realized that my Guardian Angel is my Great Grandfather whom I never had the pleasure to meet and YES to answer the question asked to meet in Thanksgiving, it has driven insane to really figure out which one I would prefer to be, and while I love the Maria idea and it is very much in me, I have discovered who I really am....I would tell you, but then I'd have to kill you! :)

God Bless,
Emme

Merry Christmas

2013-12-24T19:25:00.003-08:00

"Somewhere over the Rainbow" is where you'll find me today among this world of ice and snow! It's a great day today, on what my white husband calls "the brown baby Jesus birthday lol (he's allowed to say that because Mexicans do start celebrating today and presents are not opened until midnight and yes kids are still awake, of course they are still awake, because every child has a job to do with tamales, and then the songs because we all sing sit around and watch every person take their turn on the mike :)...remember my Shakira Anger sister??? Gosh how much fun we had! Everyone should spend their holidays with Italian Mambo or some salsa and trust me, the hips will move!!!

I am forever use to putting myself use first on my Christmas list (not selfish I swear, I'm just that picky and although I never had the heart to return anything, I did have a closet full of Christmas presents that I never used). So, I had been wondering all this week what I wanted to treat myself to, on this year where I have learned to be cheap and I knew ONLY that I wanted either a smaller diner of turkey OR switch it up and try some buffalo....I chose buffalo and I don't regret it because it was so freaking good!!! And now I'm shopping for some green contacts, BECAUSE I will forever be upset that my dad's beautiful green eyes used on my older brother because they would look so much prettier on me (sorry bro, love you so much!!! Don't tell Chuy, but you're my favorite!).

So while Sargie (who Britt has now nicknamed Teddy Roosevelt because he's getting his big mustache back) has been dragging me around the freaking ice (I have the bruises to prove it!) I finally fell on my ass and just stayed right there...it didn't hurt and the ice wasn't burning, so although Sargie TRIED helping me get up with his huge nose and got no where, I didn't mind it and later regretted that I didn't make a snow angel (although I don't see how that's even possible seeing how it was all just ice). But why hurry to get up??? Why not enjoy the here and now??? I was asked on Thanksgiving if I could be either Jackie Kennedy OR Aubrey Hepburn who would I pick? That question had me so confused for so long because let's face it, those are 2 incredible women, but to be honest neither felt right, neither were me. Jackie Kennedy I have always read about and learning about Camelot was a fairy tale to me growing up, (Marylan Monroe even more because reading her personal diaries was like reading my own, however, Jackie was all about the money, and although I understand that money makes the world go round, I don't pay it much attention. Then there was Aubrey, whom to be honest, I didn't know anything about, BECAUSE she seemed to be all about the money too, so I sat down and watched Roman Holiday and I realized that her fashion is what I've been drawing since I realized I was good at fashion designing and in the movie, her character WAS me, the princess that just wanted to leave the castle and mingle with the commoners, and smash a chair on the "authorities" head. But, while I feel bad for her life and she did die on what is my birthday, she still didn't feel right either, so I dropped it whole idea and then with the whole fuss of Carrie Underwood happened (love your songs, but stick to that please!) the original was aired and I sat down and finally watched the end with adult eyes and my God!!!! that was me! I chose Maria! I could see myself in Maria though, because children, although I don't have any (yet) kids adore me and I adore them, and just like Maria did, IF I thought my crush was in love with someone else, I would gladly bow out of the fight just so he could be happy. Signing, always sing happy songs!!! Scream them out loud, because even if you're not that good God is up there clapping for you I think!!!

So as I am finishing up this blog, tell me tell you that I finally made 2 cents!!! Pennies, I made pennies, and I am beyond proud, however, I still only have 6 followers :(, so please whomever is reading this, don't be shy, follow me, because these blogs tend to come out of the blue, and I can only speak to myself if none else is listening.

Please be careful this CHRISTmas and look out for one another!!! (listening to THE PRAYER by Josh Groban, and its perfect, because I am trying to guide you all to a better place).

Merry Christmas and God bless!

Michelle Durkee

P.S.
For pet owners, For those looking for something to do for New Years, and other fun things...enjoy!!!
https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&shva=1#inbox/14321ee0ecdd04d8

I had read the book and couldn't put it down...for those that have lost a loved one, believe Doctor Alexander, that they are in a better place!!! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JJ8LJ8HNsY

Remembering 2013

2013-12-17T11:00:00.000-08:00

2013? Is it really the end of 2013?

Since junior high I've always sat around in December and gone through all of my photo albums to in a way "relive" my life and although there was hardly anyone other than me in my pictures (if I was ever in it) just seeing the pictures always put a smile on my face because "I can't" has hardly ever come out of my mouth. Sure, I've paid the price for it but who cares, I'm still here and every picture was a memory of "I shouldn't have, but boy was that fun!" So now here I am, 2013 and all those albums, are somewhere in my parent's house in California, where, the trash probably, if my mom wasn't fast enough to take custody of them before my dad probably just through them away for taking up space :)!
So back to 2013, um, its been cold, specially right now. It has been annoying because it has been routine...go to sleep, wake up, watch t.v. and hope and pray that I don't have an MS attack. I raised my precious dog Sarge, a little spoiled, but not as spoiled as I had made my last dog....don't question me, its not my fault he fit so perfectly on my hip! But he went from being so super annoying, to scaring the neighbors (he's very protective). He has gone from getting tall enough to drag me around the yard and leave me all bruised, to learning how to "walk me" back to the house (you should see him, he stands so proud of himself for walking his mom very carefully back to the house.) He still sleeps in the bed with me, BECAUSE he knows mom's legs always burn and if he's cold, just cuddle with them and he'll never need the heater!

12/17/13 (the next day)

I said that all I need was 2 years, just needed to sleep for 2 years, and that is exactly what I have been doing...a whole lot of nothing, sleep, have a relapse, go to the hospital, and sleep again. Today, in this 10 degree weather, I have decided/ realized that I'm not tired anymore! Tomorrow, I had already planned to go back to the gym, but NOW I know I can do that 1 hour on the elliptical! This is it, I always said 30 was going to be a good year and with over 1 month left for that day, I know, it will be the beginning of my forever. So lets do this, go back to college, find a good job and maybe, just maybe be the first female President of this wonderful country! (Sorry Hilary, but thank you for paving the way!)

God Bless and thank you Jesus for never leaving my side,
Michelle

Merry Santa (part 2)

2013-12-09T19:31:00.000-08:00

So, where were we again?

We were on her face Mrs. elf Spice.

Right, right, her face. Lets start with her lips, allow them to move as far right and as far left as it wants and lets make the eye on whatever side the lips decide to move droop down.

Now, for the ending with a bang, lets make a brain with dysfunctional nerves that are attacked and therefore are unable to complete a command of moving an arm or leg.

Great Mrs. elf Spice! This present for the naughty sounds great!

NO!!! This precious doll is only for the special super sweet people that love helping others, that go above and beyond for those around them, for those that are way stronger then you can never imagine.

And what shall we name it Mrs. elf Spice?

mmmm, My Savior because although it will look horrible and seem painful, it will touch, give everyone something to contemplate, and eventionally change everyone for the better.

Confusion

2013-12-06T19:32:00.003-08:00

Do you ever reach a point in your life when you feel like you've gone insane??? How can your gut and your mind not agree? Do you listen to your heart or the actual voice yelling at you???

When did life get so confusing and why start the confusion now?

Why are you sorry???

2013-12-02T02:41:00.000-08:00

Since the day I received my diagnosis back in Valentines day of 2006 everyone's first words to me are I'm sorry...WHY ARE YOU SORRY??? I know it's human nature to always apologize for something that has nothing to do with you, but why? I mean, when someone dies period, you should feel bad and you should feel sorry, because no time is the right time to pass away, but forever thing else, for everything else I believe there can be a positive side.

I can sit here and tell you its hell, because in many ways it can be with the constant burning you feel all over your body. I will share that Amazing Grace always makes me cry, because I once was blind and now I see but think of what I just said. To go from being able to see nothing but black, especially while you are serving in Afghanistan, to go home back to Germany and regain my vision and see again, not just literally but emotionally is life changing. I will tell you that it will get better, because somehow it kinda does!

Life didn't get better right away, don't get me wrong, life is not a fairy tale, but I'm still here and I like to think a little better. When life literally knocked me down to my knees, I eventually gave in and started to pray and when MS decided to not let me out of bed for a week, I had the most sincere conversation with God. Again, I'm not throwing religion your way, we all find Him when the time is right, but He found me and sometimes these blogs end up about him.

2013-12-02T02:34:00.002-08:00

Thanks???giving

For the last 6 years, I have said thank you for having come down with MS, but this year, this year I'm not quite sure...Did MS save me from a worse life? The wrong path? Should I be thankful to be retired at 29 and not have the strength to even walk my dog?

I prepared for 4 years from now! I was going to save the weak, inspire the fearful, help everyone find the thing that they are good at, but why can't I inspire myself? Motivate myself? Do I truly believe all of the negative words I heard growing up? I always told myself that I didn't need anyone, that I was confident enough to rely on myself, but I lied, I'm really not! So what do I do now? What do I do now that one part of my body after another just gives up? I know I have an amazing husband, AMAZING, but I don't want to put him through the hell tat I know I am, so where do I turn and whom do I turn to???

MS

2013-06-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

I say I was surprisingly optimistic because that week I began to lose the sight out of my right eye, I was coming close to serving a year in Afghanistan. Since sand storms in that country occur more often than not, I genuinely believed I had sand in my eye that first night, than blamed the pain on the fact that I had rubbed the “sand” in my eye while trying to remove it. I visited the clinic because of the pain in my eye and was only told to return if it got worse…well, it got worse. In three days a black line appeared in my vision, in a week I couldn’t see the bottom half and in two weeks as I walked onto the C130 military plane I had lost all of my vision on my right eye (to which I still joked was fine because I shot with my left eye).

I was diagnosed on February 14, 2006 with Multiple Sclerosis. I was started out with copaxone (a self- administered injection) which I became allergic to in a year. I was then switched to rebif which I didn't have any problems with BUT which wasn't slowing my MS any so I switched to tysabri. I did well with tysabri for 2 years and was normal enough to get my AA in psychology with a focus in PTSD but then got married and decided to move. Seeing how tysabri causes PML (turns your brain to mush is how I explain it) most doctors don't like to go straight to that medication. So I was forced to go a year without any treatment at all to after all the nagging being put on Avonex. Avonex didn't work either (since I didn’t like the side effects to the drug) so yet again I was forced to nag until I finally got tysabri back!

It has been seven years since I got diagnosed and my life has been a roller coaster. I have lost mobility, have had slurred speech, have had a facial droop, double vision, serious constipation followed by need diapers at 29. I gave the neurologist ONE tear when he replied “yes” to my question of “is this what you’re diagnosing me with.” One tear followed by the question … ”WHAT HAPPENS NOW?”

Now I am medically retired from the military and trying to be an MS advocate because I am only 29 and still have a lot to offer! I am a smart stubborn Latina who never gives up and if life has taught me anything is that if there’s a will, there’s a way! Please join my page MS After the Military on Facebook and let’s take this fight all the way up to Capitol Hill!

Seven

2013-03-25T20:35:00.002-07:00

Does life start at birth or does it start the year life rolls a seven???

I've sat around the last few weeks thinking, studying my life and thinking...

At 29 has life finally started just like I always wished it to be or has it ended with nothing left to do? I find myself sad, very mad, thinking and wondering how I got here, where it's all gone and was it all worth it? Will it be better? Did I...did I do enough?

    On this my seventh year anniversary with MS I find myself unable to work because of my health but blessed making enough money to never complain. My husband and I own a house, like OWN a house, no mortgage, 0 debt, just a nice little house in a beautiful quiet neighborhood. That's another thing, I mean 0 debt...my 3 years with MS I went a bit wild with my spending, why not right? I felt like life had screw me over so why save? I had SEEN in the moment of my blindness that life wasn't forever, so why not? I saw a little more of the world, bought to my heart's content never worrying about saving and now here I am, 0 debt with the American dream minus the kids, lol.
    Look, like I've said before, I was never really religious and I'm not trying to make anyone believe, but let me share with you a little something that until this year I kept to myself...our little secret...mine and God's. When I was young, sigh, hell,even when I was young, I was already miserable. Understood too much about life's bad side and didn't care to go on...I hadn't asked to come into this world so I prayed because in my lonely nights I always knew He was listening...I started asking why??? Why, why, why? Well, one day He answered. You know that voice inside your head? And no, not the one that belongs to you, the other one that you just can't explain, and no, not your multiple personality either. Anyways, He told me one night, "Wait, be strong because I have great plans for you." Sigh, every time my life took a change and headed in a new road, I always wondered if this was it, if this was what the great plan that was written out for me and time and again I was disappointed. I've been mad, bitter and mad again for so long and although I don't think that will ever fully change, this year I realized I no longer have anything to be mad about (although, that in it's self makes me mad). This is it, this is the life God promised me that night...I have an incredible husband, an annoying yet loveable dog, the best of friends, and a huge wonderful family that although I love them, I don't know many of them I feel so close to.
    Although, it hurts like hell to admit that I'll never be able to finish my degree (because every time I say sure I can do it, my health takes a turn for the worst) I know my life has been wonderful. At 29, I have lived in Germany, been to England, Spain, Italy, Japan, and Mexico of course. I have bought myself a Mercedes Benz and now a house. I have at least seen my capability in psychology and have actually been able to change more than one life which is more than I ever hoped for (I would have settled for one).
    Know though, that I can't stay still and I will do something with this life I've been blessed with. I will start on my own clothes line (although I'm starting with crocheting first). I will finish seeing the world with my husband...Thailand is next, then Panama, Ireland, Scotland, Peru, Venezuela...life is short, we'll see. Know that although I may no longer be running, I will never stop walking and in so many ways I already feel like I won the race!

Wishing you all a wonderful Easter, and many blessings,
Michelle

Merry Santa (part 1)

2012-12-24T19:34:00.002-08:00

Ready to go Mrs. elf Spice.

   Wonderful! Take out the plain doll then and lets begin! Okay, now, remove the right foot at the ankle and fill it up with burning coals. Stuff fireworks in-between the coals to shoot up to the thigh about every 20 minutes. Put over all of it an army of ants to explore as they so please and sow her right leg back up! Now, remove the left leg along with the left hip bone and wrap the hip bone in icy hot sheet minus the icy and excess in hot. Re-attach the hip to the leg with a sharp knife to cause pain when the legs have been used for longer then 20 minutes don't forget the ants, the burning coal, the fireworks and sow that peace on too. Now, on both legs make all 10 toes as flexible as rubber bands to be able to individually go up or down at their pleasure.
   Onto the portion that removes wastes from the doll's body...make the doll pee take a leak between 10-25 minutes, making the person in charge of the doll be fooled because no leak is really needed at times. Lets make her bowel movements barely occur and make the times that do occur be either unexpected or hard enough to make her bleed and cry. But before you make me cry, let's give the doll the ability to give herself a hug when times get tough and I don't mean with her hands, maybe we should use her ribs! Lets make her feel beautiful by wearing a girdle tight enough to make her ribs try to climb one over the other and lets add a choker around her neck that injects burning hot water into her throat. And as long as we are being nice, lets make her heart beat like no cute boy can make it. Let the heart have its own mind as well and let it decide to go fast or slow and squeeze it at times so hard it takes her breath away.
   Now, the arms fix just like the legs with ants,burning coal and fireworks. Make her fingers prefer to be closed in a fist and not to move from a fist even if a thumb is underneath the other fingers.
     Lets finish with her face, her pretty little face...

To be continued,
Michelle

Hurry up and Wait...

2012-09-24T15:46:00.001-07:00

I had heard those words before but they never meant so much to me as they meant the moment I joined the military. Since the very first day, being at MEPS, the government always expected EVERYBODY to be up and ready to go, everyone that is, expect themselves. The long lines in either the hot sun or a cold room, I believe make up 95% of your time in the military...ok, ok, about 85 but you get the point. I'm not and never have been a lazy person, but if you're going to pay me just to sit around then hey that works.
   Hurry up and wait...I'M TIRED OF WAITING!!! I left a job where regular people that never had to go through the BS of boot camp or the horrors of war sit around and gossip and make decent money. I would have kept the job for the rest of my life if it weren't for this illness, I was blessed with while at war. The V.A. supposedly has so many days to complete a claim, and my claim for un-employability has 200 and something days...I've been fairly relaxed on my claim, have said my prayers and have left it up to God, because He knows best, BUT my claim with the VA has been in since January 31 and as we near the end of September, I've run out of patience!
   Now don't believe nothing has happened since the start (I'm always impatient). I was fortunate to have gotten Congressman Michael Michaud of Maine read and respond to my letter for help. His office has assisted me by pushing my case along and I have had my appointments to be reviewed for my claim. My 4 appointments went well and I even got to meet an old woman whom takes care of her 30 year old son who has MS and has no one else to rely on (bless her heart). So I've been looking at the bright side of things, until now.
   Now, sigh, now my landlord is willing to sell my husband and I the house we rent, BUT I refuse to become one of the many people that dream big but can't back up their own dreams! Until I can have the money to secure such a purchase, I can't commit and I'm angry. If it were up to me, I'd be healthy and I'd be working, but since I spent my last best years in the military, I find it only fair that the military pay for leaving me like this. I understand that until we know for sure how you get M.S. I have no right to blame the military, but in life if you look close at yourself, someone is always to blame aren't they?
   With that I'm done, I have a migraine!

God Bless,
Michelle

The hard road to the never was

2012-08-14T19:07:00.003-07:00

In the last couple of months, since leaving my job and having more than enough time to sit down and think, I've been reminiscing on my past and all the good doors that opened for me. Although I usually am such a pessimist, it is wonderful to remember, I could have been...

At 8 I had the chance to model (won best runway walk in one competition, read lines for the newest Miracle on 34th Street, and was in a Hispanic Newspaper). In 5th grade my school chorus teacher nominated me for an advanced choir done outside of school and because of transportation or lack there of I settled for the signing part of Nala in "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" from the Lion King in one of the school's assembly...still wonder how good my voice could have gotten. Now, in 6th grade my class was given a project to do something from the past (or something like that). I chose to do fashions of years past and got a few books from the library to gather pictures of how people use to dress. I drew out a dress from different years as far back as the 1800s and got such good grade and my teacher loved my sketches so much, I never stopped drawing and designing UNTIL my freshman year in high school. My freshman year in high school (in a team project again) I turned in some more fashion designs and was approached by my school counselor with an offer to start college for design. I had to draw up a college she said of at least 30 designs and everything ended there. To think that my favorite hobby was going to be a JOB killed my dream.

Since junior high though, I always knew I was born to be a psychologist. While I have always been a loner, EVERYBODY from friends to strangers, hobos, prisoners, everyone always found it so easy to talk to me, open up about everything and genuinely want my advice. By the time I ended high school and entered the Army, I knew I was born to be a psychologist. I was a great therapist if you ask me, winning Psychology student of the year in college and honestly helping more people than I ever thought possible while I was in college. I could have been wonderful, could have made a name for myself had it not been for...sigh, who or what do you even blame for an illness that you both love and hate? I've talked to God many times, have told Him that I understand He's put me through all my trials and tribulations so that I can help those around me, and I don't understand why He would bring something onto me that now forbids me to continue to help but who am I to question His plans?

So here I am, 2 days away from pleading my case to try to get fully retired, trying to give myself the support I succeeded at giving others. So while college for my PhD might be out of the question since driving thanks to attacks is no longer recommended, I am going back to fashion design, not to be the Hispanic Vera Wang but because I want to dress myself in a modern 1950s look. So while my legs are giving up my heart is not and I will be a somebody, to myself if no one else. The hard road to the never was will become My Sunshine.

God Bless and keep dreaming,
Emme

No Sugar(coating) please.

2012-02-05T06:27:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here it is...no tears, just the painful truth...

I once was blind and now I see (boy does that song make me cry
I've had a stoke-like facial droop
I've had a bad liver because of all the medication I've been on...it's fixed itself but once a damaged liver always a damaged I was told
I can tell you only steaks, mashed potatoes, steamed vegetables, french fries and fettuccine Alfredo don't make me vomit, everything else has a good chance of coming back up
I always miss a step going down the stairs
In the 1st month of having MS while giving myself self-administered shots,I accidentally put my medication into a vein, collapsed and the German ER thought I was having a heart attack
I have failed using the injections copaxone, rebiff, avonex which is not good
My brain has so many lesions that even since the first MRI the docs have always been afraid to show it to me, and the MRI techs have always felt so sorry for me
I've been to the ER so many times I can tell you exactly how the visit is going to go
I've lost mobility of both my legs for a short time
If it wasn't for my navigation system I'd probably never find home
I've forgotten account passwords that I've used for 15 some years
I dropped things I'm holding way too often because my hands won't grip them properly
All top secret information I once new is now gone, I don't remember
While I am mostly constipated, I do have moments where I accidentally poop myself (just a tiny bit though, I run to the bathroom and save myself)
I have lost feeling in my hands and my legs (I burned one of my legs once with the curling iron and never even noticed until I started smelling burning flesh)
I throw up everywhere, public transportation, people's yards, my living room floor, all over my car
I miss running
I can no longer wear heels and I hate flats
I cry way to much and way too strong because I end up sending myself into anxiety attacks
Anxiety attacks = severe burning on both arms, legs, and middle portion of my body with all the ant feeling to an extreme, sometimes followed by vomiting
I lose weight all the time and I hate it!
I bought my dog for unconditional love and the sucker loves my family more than me
In really bad moments I start talking like a deaf person, who's talking but still can't figure out exactly how to pronounce words
As much as I feared wheelchairs, now I can't wait to get into one! If you see me in one at the grocery store, you better move out of my way!
I really do feel stupid now
I have decided to give up on my dream of becoming a psychologist (which I'm great at) just to be selfish for a minute and take care of the pain...I was going to be somebody, sigh
I feel like the worse wife in the world for having dragged Britt into this hell
If my end were to come tomorrow, I would go with a smile because in life I've done everything I wanted to do and then some and it'd be nice for the pain to go away

So here it is, I know I probably forgot a lot of things, but that's MS always so forgetful!

Hi my name is Michelle and I am disabled...

2012-02-03T16:22:00.000-08:00

   It has taken me 6 years to be able to say that. I have never denied that I am forever sick, but I have never used the word disabled to describe myself because I have always considered myself strong and unbreakable because I am a Soldier, I went to war dammit!
   Today, on my 6 year anniversary I must confess I don't recognize myself anymore because I have changed for both the good and the bad. I will never deny that I'm a bit of a bitch but MS has made me nice because I no longer have the energy to point out how dumb some people are (this may be the only good quality).
     But on the negative side I'm afraid of things like pizza because it makes me vomit right away. Not that pizza is the ONLY thing that has made me become friends with the porcelain god, throughout the years I've made a mental note of all the foods/restaurants never to try again. Let me clarify that vomiting is not a trait of MS however, problems with bowel movements are. It was 2007 that this problem originated and although I had an army of 6 different specialist, none were or have to this day given me a reason for this happening or have admitted it's MS. The vomiting comes from the constant constipation and like I TOLD one of my doctors back then, I figure if it doesn't come out one hole, it'll come out the other. I was fine with the issue before because it was only the last bite of food that I would vomit yet now I get horrible stomach pains that always make me think it's going to come out the right way but it comes out as vomit and not just the last bite but also all the way back to the food I ate the day before. This has been one of my constant companions, but not the only one.
     The pain in my leg, my arms, my back, the constant burning feeling and the ants, the freaking ants all over my body have also been with me since the beginning. This pain (because it hurts like hell to burn from the inside) has made me convinced that I live on a pain scale of 7-8. Montel Williams explained it best on Oprah...imagine someone entered a burning rod from the bottom of your foot and just starts shaking it inside your leg, going higher and higher each time. This doesn't just happen throughout the day, no, MS burns you when your fast asleep and reminds you it's still there. But this isn't the only wrong thing with my legs, now they can't even support my 105lbs and I use a cane occasionally not only because I limp sometime but because I'm afraid that I would fall without it. Stress makes me do the Frankenstein and refuses to allow my legs to bend and turns my hands into claws that just won't go back to normal and when this happens, it's like a million ants were let lose on my body. Boy the tears I've cried because of this pain and the ER visits I've had to make.
     The thing that hurts the most though are my memory problems and that it's just plain made me dumb! I always prided myself in being smarter then the regular average on many levels and yet now MS does the opposite of what I tell it to do. Take for example my everyday when there's something on the floor and I think, ok, go around it, MS walks straight to it and sometimes even kicks it or smashes it leading to my nickname being Godzilla in my house. Then there's my current job where a patient is found on the database by last name and last 4 of social, so if I read Uribe1234, I end up typing Uribe2345 pulling up a totally different patient and booking appointments for the wrong person. I may be new to this job but I'm tired of everyday being told I did something wrong. Call it my pride, but fuck, I hate this the most. I want to be smart again...
     I am no longer in charge of my eating habits, my weight, my sleep, my energy level (because I'm tired the moment I wake up til the moment I go to sleep) this foreign thing that has invaded my life has now taken over. I have often joked around and called it the child I never wanted to have but it's now way past being funny, now it just hurts, I HURT!!!
     I am here today because of God - because He seems to believe in me more than I have ever believed in myself. Britt my forever support who's walked through hell and back with me and never moved a bit from my side. My mother who always has prayers on her mind and friends like all of you who are reading this to help me with that letter to the Veterans Affairs. I have always considered myself a loner yet, now that I need a friend most you are there to give me a helping hand and not just 1 hand but many! No words will ever describe how thankful I am for all of you. You all have joined my circle of friends at different times, childhood, school, the military, work and yet you all mean the word to me...Don't ever change!

God Bless,
Emme

Thank YOU Lord!

2011-08-26T23:46:00.000-07:00

As I lay here on top of a bag of ice in excruciating pain, I can't help but reflect on my current blessings...although the VA pushed me beyond my tolerance (to the point where the cops on duty would get up every time I walked into the VA office because I would get so loud), the Lord answered my prayers and I finally got my lump sum. Let me clarify that my faith hasn't always been strong. Growing up I attended mass only because I was forced to. Through the years I always prayed on my own time but after MS I was angry enough to renounce my faith, because MY God wouldn't do something so horrible to me. It took me 2 years to understand my illness, myself, and my faith. Many say God only gives you what you can handle and I've always joked that He must think very highly of me, but the more I say it, the more I believe it. All my trials and tribulations were, I understand now, were because God does have a plan for me to become a great psychologist. Now I can say (although its a huge no-no to share your personal life to your patients) I can say, I know how you feel because I've been there myself.

Anyways, enough about me. God has taken my vision because I couldn't see with it, He took my walking ability because He wanted me to get on my knees, He has turned my words into gibberish because that was all that I was really saying. I heard the message loud and clear, I ended up in Catholic mass listening to a message I swear was written for me, I dropped down on my knees, I cried, I said my prayers and I saw the word of the Lord.

My blessings didn't end after my VA compensation, I then received a call from the job in Maine I had applied for to have a phone interview (I have my second one on Tuesday). Today I quit my job here in Hawaii which is on all accounts an enormous relief because it's just full of drama. My husband and I have found a townhouse in a remote location in the country with an owner that already is just so sweet I would love to have him as a landlord.

In a couple of weeks, my husband and I will be departing what I have considered MY HELL and intend on taking a drive cross country. My heaven, my cool moments in the snow in Maine will begin shortly, and for that all I can say is "THANK YOU LORD!"

Keep believing and God Bless,
Emme

To be or not to be...

2011-08-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

I just read an article called "Being the grown-up the kid in you always wanted". The author Sarah McColl stated that psychologists believe that ages 8-10 is when someone is their authentic selves, which got me thinking, who was I back then? I remember back then I already understood that I did not belong in the ghetto neighborhood where I was born and raised. Through those ages I can't remember what I wanted to be when I grew up but since I've always been skinny, I bought into the hype that I needed to be a model so until around 4th grade I was convinced I was going to be Miss Universe. In sixth grade I realized I was a great fashion designer and so I started a book of designs. Then in 8 grade I discovered psychology and realized (having been born and raised in the ghetto) that inmates needed psychological support the most. In high school and the first years in the military I was so into politics that I had already begun to plan my campaign...I was a total liberal back then but war did change my views in the opposite direction. After going through war and getting diagnosed with MS, my mind started considering psychology again and after reading that article I realized that I was 8 when I lost someone I loved to suicide...If at that age I was my authentic self then I can tell you that at that moment all I wanted to do was reverse time, get on the phone and help her through her hell. To this day I haven't forgiven myself for her death but now I wonder, knowing psychology is indeed my final destination, which form of psychology is now my constant struggle.

When I began college I began my major in psychology with a focus on PTSD. Just like war turned me from liberal to conservative it also made me reconsider who needed my help the most. When I was in Afghanistan, I was always the tough girl that always told the rest of the girls not to cry, we were soldiers at war, no crying needed! And then one night in late October a medi-vac call came in, a soldier had lost both legs due to a grenade, which is unfortunately not surprising, but the tears I could hear coming through that night had ME crying that day. I could tell that the SSG that passed away that day meant a lot to his soldiers and since that day, I've carried him with me as well. I promised his memory that I would take care of his soldiers and talking to so many veterans I realized that it's easy for me to talk to them and fortunately it's easy for them to talk to me and my desire to assist gained me the psychology of the year award. I have helped a few guys through their sleepless nights, through their fear of being in crowded areas, and have helped them find and pursue their dreams with success and still their are so many more that at the moment I don't have enough education to help just yet.

With that being said though, I'd be lying if I said PTSD was my first passion, because the more I study both psychology and myself, I can state that I find abnormal psychology the most interesting thing in the world. I became one of the many followers of the Casey Anthony case BECAUSE although I do not believe she is innocent, I wouldn't love anything more than to be able to have one session with her. I wouldn't expect to hear the truth but the curiosity of what really goes through a psychopath's mind is too interesting to want to resist. Not just psychological disorders like that interest me, but all the serious disorders like that intrigue me...I KNOW it's easy for me to reach and help people with depression and PTSD, but could I rise to the occasion of dealing with disorders that big?

Since I first got diagnosed with MS, many of my doctors have suggested that I help other people with their disorders since I appear to handling it so well (not that I do, I just don't let it show). For about 3 years I've been getting treated in cancer wards and to see the unspoken pain on their faces simply kills me.

So I find myself lost in so many ways...I know I want to get my masters in abnormal psychology only because I remember my Abnormal book taught me a little of all of these fields and I can not choose. To be or not to be???? I decide to be a little bit of everything because when it is all said and done, we all suffer some form of a psychological disease and I do not want to EVER turn my back on anyone...that is my dedication to those I've lost because they have guided me to it.