Baring My Soul

My Thoughts on the Legal Aspects of Adoption (and Ideas for Reforms)

2024-08-01T10:16:00.000-04:00

Going through the paperwork yesterday for the relinquishment of my first daughter made me realize a few things that I hadn't noticed before (or didn't have the maturity, knowledge, or capability of understanding in earlier years) and how much I wish had been different. There are so many ways that I could have been protected, supported, and helped and I just wasn't. Everything was done to ensure that I would "do the right thing" and give my child up for adoption.

Here are a few things that stood out to me:

1. I was just barely 17 years old when I gave birth. I was a minor myself, not able to legally vote, get a credit card, or (in general) sign legally binding documents. How was it okay for me, as a minor, to give up my legal rights to my child without legal counsel or an advocate? How was I allowed to sign a form giving someone else permission to take my minor (baby) home from the hospital when I was still a minor myself? Where were the legal protections for me and my child? In what other situation is it legal for a minor to make such a huge life altering decision without counsel?

2. Because I was only 17, my brain was not fully developed. I had also experienced past trauma compounded by the additional massive trauma of pregnancy, birth and relinquishment. I very literally was not in my "right mind" when I was asked to sign adoption papers. Between hormones and trauma, there was no way that I could make a rational decision. I didn't receive counseling, balanced advice, or any information on additional options. How could I possibly have been expected to sign away rights that would have such long term effects under such circumstances?

3. No one warned me what it would be like to be a mother. All indications were that I would have the baby, hand her over, and "get on" with my life. I might be sad for awhile, but I'd get over it, like it was just another bad experience. This did not take into account the bond a mother develops with the child growing inside of her for nine months, or the rush of hormones and emotions that hit when that child is born. No one told me that trying to deny that connection would be impossible, or that it would destroy a part of me to break that connection.

4. My ex, as the "alleged father", was given paperwork that very clearly stated what his rights were, what the relinquishment meant, and interestingly enough, had a statement that if he felt he had been coerced or lied to about the adoption, he would have 5 years from the date the adoption was final to dispute it. What the FUCK??! I kept everything related to the adoption and I don't have any paperwork as the mother that is even similar. I cried when I read that statement, because I had been coerced and lied to, and I would have loved to have known that the adoption was disputable. I still wouldn't have had the resources or ability to do anything about it, but it feels like yet another choice that was taken away from me.

5. There is no way for a 17 year old girl who has no options and no support to willingly consent to give up her child. She can be pushed, "convinced," and coerced, but there is no true consent. This is especially true with how much information is withheld from the birth mother in order to make sure the adoption goes through.

6. Adoptive parents are often made to feel like they are doing the birth mother a "favor" by helping her get out of a sticky situation and be able to move on with her life without the additional challenge of raising a child. That's true to a certain extent, but adoptive parents should be made aware that their "favor" and the "blessing" they're receiving will also cause that girl untold trauma. It is not a fairy tale ending for everyone involved, and it would be good for adoptive parents to recognize and show empathy for the fact that their good fortune is coming at someone else's expense. Adoptive parents need to show great tenderness and sensitivity to and for the birth mother.

7. As a 17 year old, I didn't know enough about life to even know what to look for in adoptive parents, or what to expect or ask for in the adoption. I chose a couple because they were "nice," the wife was short and the husband was tall (like me and my ex), they already had a daughter so I knew my daughter would have a sibling, and the wife was a member of the church. I didn't know to vet for parenting skills, mental health issues (or the ability to help a child who might have them), education, lifestyle, or anything else. I also didn't know that I would want ongoing contact. I asked for updates for one year after the adoption because I didn't know to think beyond that. I would have asked to have an open adoption for the entire time. I would have asked to have had some interaction with my daughter. I went into all of it so blindly, and by the time I knew what I wanted and needed, it was way too late.

I got lucky that my daughter's adoptive parents kept their word about staying in touch for the first year. I received letters and photos, just as I requested. Many birth mothers are not so lucky. There is no legal recourse for birth mothers when adoptive parents back out of an open adoption. It doesn't matter what the agreement was, if it was in writing and notarized, or anything else. There is no way for a birth mother to enforce it. If the adoptive parents decide to cut off contact and close the adoption, there is absolutely nothing the birth mother can do. It's not legally enforceable. That's wrong, and barbaric. It shows how tremendously skewed the adoption process is in favor of adoptive parents and how little power a birth mother has.

I know why the adoption system is the way it is. The agencies are there to make money by helping families get babies (even most of the "non profit" ones.) In order to do that, they have to find babies, and in order to convince a woman to give up her baby, it often requires some shady tactics. Most women would not willingly give up their child if they have a choice. (For the mothers out there- what would it have taken for you to have given up one of your children??) Adoptive parents often have financial resources that birth mothers do not, and between the adoptive parents and the agencies, they are able to lobby for and control the laws surrounding adoption. Birth mothers have very little influence legally, and are often a vulnerable population that is taken advantage of. I would love to see changes made to the system to make it more "fair" to birth mothers (I only speak to the plight of birth mothers here because that is what I am. I fully support birth fathers being given additional rights and protections also.)

The following reforms would be a good start:

1. Full disclosure of all of the legal issues surrounding the adoption. The birth mother should know what is enforceable, what is not, how much time she has to make her decision and how much time she has to rescind it, and what her specific rights are. Rescission periods should be at least 3-6 months. In many states, they are as short as 3 days.

2. Full disclosure of the harm the adoption may cause the birth mother and/or the child. She should be made aware of the mental and emotional trauma relinquishment will cause her, be made aware of how adoption trauma may affect the child, and be informed about how her body, hormones, and feelings will change at birth even if she feels comfortable and set in her decision ahead of time. Birth mothers should be required to read other birth mothers' narratives, and not just be reassured by the agency or adoptive parents that she will be fine.

3. Birth mothers should be provided with a legal advocate, similar to a child's court advocate. Someone who understands the situation and can provide information, resources, emotional support, and help advocate for what is best for the mother and child. The advocate would need to be independent of the adoption agency, attorneys, and adoptive parents.

4. Birth mothers should not be asked to choose adoptive parents ahead of time. By selecting parents and creating an expectation that those parents will receive her baby, it puts additional pressure on a birth mother to relinquish even when she has changed her mind after birth. For a woman in a vulnerable position, it's often hard to say "no" and many women have gone forward with an adoption against their own desires because of the pressure created by this dynamic.

5. The laws should change to make open adoptions enforceable. If adoptive parents agree to an open adoption, they should be held to that agreement (with exceptions for extreme situations where it is in the child's best interest not to.) Thankfully, many more adoptions nowadays are open, with birth mothers continuing to have contact and some even remaining an integral part of their child's life. But, as stated above, there is no guarantee that it will stay that way. Birth mothers in an open adoption have to tread carefully and be careful not to upset the adoptive parents or she can be denied contact and access instantly.

6. Adoptive parents should go into the adoption with the expectation that the birth mother will continue to be involved in the child's life to a certain extent. The level of involvement could be negotiated between birth parents and adoptive parents, but children often do better when their natural parents stay connected to them.

I know my posts make it sound like I had the most horrific adoption experience ever, and in some ways for me personally, it was. But in many ways mine was a lot more benign than what other women have gone through. And in some ways it was even good (I got lucky with the adoptive parents I chose.) I know that the majority of people have positive associations with the idea of adoption, and plenty of families have had wonderful experiences having adopted a child (or children.) I even know a few well-adjusted adult adoptees. I'm not here to say that all adoption is evil or that it should be banned entirely because I recognize that there are legitimate reasons and situations where adoption is the right answer. But I'm tired of birth parents living in the shadows and carrying the weight of the trauma involved in adoption. I'm tired of reading posts by mothers who gave up their babies and regret it horribly but can't get them back (even when it's only been a few weeks since birth!) I'm tired of hearing of women who just needed some financial help to get on their feet in order to be able to keep their baby, but had to opt for a painful permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'm saddened by the amount of pain that birth mothers have experienced, currently experience, and will continue to experience. I'm angry that our legal system is set up in a way that benefits those with more resources and separates mothers from babies with so little true consent or legal protection. I don't want another woman to ever go through what I went through. I especially don't want minors to be coerced into it. I want abortion to be easily accessible, especially for those who are too young to go through a pregnancy, and for whom the lifelong effects of adoption will be even more traumatic. I want women to have real choices, so they can decide if they want to have a baby, if they want to raise that baby, and even if they want to relinquish that baby to someone else. True choice with real consent.

Birth Mothers Adoption Trauma

2024-07-30T13:24:00.000-04:00

This is a long post. It had to be. There is no quick way to tell some stories, and this is one that deserves an entire book. I share this for my own healing, as part of my journey, but I also hope that it can help someone else who might have gone through something similar. To help them know that they are not alone.

TW: Adoption, relinquishment, trauma

34 years ago, in July of 1990, I gave my first child up for adoption. Such a short, simple sentence to write, but that one fact has brought me so much pain. Giving a baby up for adoption is a unique kind of pain, subject to grief that, for me at the time, could neither be acknowledged nor expressed. It is a large black hole in the center of your being that can never be filled, never be covered over entirely. You learn to just live with this ever-present loss.

When I was 15 I met my ex-husband, the father of my first child. I was attracted to him because he gave me positive attention, something I lacked in my home life. It was not a healthy relationship. What I didn’t know at the time was that he had learned from his father’s example to be physically abusive to women. The first time it happened, I excused it. The next time, I blamed myself. Another time, I had my mom put a butterfly stitch on my eyebrow when he hit me in the face and caused my glasses to cut me. Sadly, I was okay with being physically abused because at least he wasn’t yelling at me all the time like my dad did. I preferred physical abuse to verbal and emotional abuse. Besides, I could always try to fight back (unsuccessfully, I might add. It’s hard to get the upper hand on a strong man who is over 6 feet tall.)

I gave in to his desire to have sex because I thought that was how I could keep him. I was so insecure and so desperate to be loved. And I was so naïve about sex. I technically understood that I could get pregnant, and had been on birth control for a short time for medical reasons, so I “knew” there were ways to prevent pregnancy, but I didn’t have access to any on my own. So when I became pregnant at 16, it was a bit unexpected but not surprising.

In my messed-up way of thinking, I thought being pregnant was a good thing at first. If I had a baby with my ex, then we would be a family and he would always be with me. It took about 3 months for my mom to notice that I was gaining weight in my abdominal area and to ask if I could be pregnant. We confirmed it with a store-bought pregnancy test, and she broke the news to my dad. As expected, he reacted with anger. He wanted to send me away to an unwed mother’s home, something that was common within our church community. Unfortunately for him, there were no openings so he had to suffer through the shame of having a pregnant teenage daughter at home. I don’t remember it, but my mom said he quit going to church during this time because it was too embarrassing for him. I guess it would have put a dent in his public persona of being a “perfect Mormon guy.”

As the pregnancy progressed, I started making plans for how my ex and I would raise our child. I looked for cheap travel trailers for rent along the river (generally the cheapest housing in our Northern California area) and dreamt of getting out of my parent’s house. My ex was working full time at a lumber yard and seemed to support me in the pregnancy. When I really started showing, I guess it became too real for him. He left me when I was six months pregnant. I don’t remember there being a real reason or anything. Just some chicken-shit excuses. I was so angry. I remember going to his job and yelling at him publicly. He had betrayed me, rejected me, and abandoned me.

I now realized that I had no choice but adoption. My parents made it clear that they were unwilling to help me raise my child, and told me that if I decided to keep her, I would have to move out. I was still a junior in high school, with no job, no support system, living in an expensive part of the country, and I had no hope of being able to take care of myself and a baby. I didn’t know about any of the social services available, much less how to access them. Some will say that I made the "choice" to give my child up for adoption. I didn’t. I had no real choice. I would have kept my child and raised her myself had I been given any sort of help, or had any hope of being able to.

I was also under a lot of pressure from the church to relinquish my baby. That was the “right” thing do according to them. It would give the child a mother and father, a stable family, who would raise the child in our religion. It would be “best” for her, and would be a selfless act on my part. And then maybe I could work through the guilt and shame of being sexually active and “sinful.” I was made to feel like there was something wrong with me for seeking love and attention the only way I knew how. No one asked me why I did what I did. No one wondered how a smart girl like me could end up in such a situation. No, it was just assumed that I was bad. I was even asked to attend the women’s group on Sundays instead of the youth group, so that my bad influence wouldn’t affect the other girls. I can’t describe the horrific shame I carried for decades because of the religious conditioning I grew up with.

As my due date neared, I tried to make myself hate my baby. I tried to blame her for everything I was going through. I tried to sever any feelings I might have for her. I didn’t know what else to do. I received no counseling, no mental health help, nothing. I had no one to talk to about the situation, no one who understood what I was going through, no sympathy or substantive support. My mom did what she could for me, including taking me to a different congregation so we wouldn’t have to deal with the gossip and judgment in our usual one. She took me to doctor’s appointments and kept an eye on me. But she couldn’t offer to help me keep my baby. She was dependent on my dad, and had to submit to his demands to get rid of the problem. She wouldn’t have been able to leave him and support four children and a grandchild. I wish she would have warned me, though. Warned me of the instant bond a mother has with her baby. Warned me of just how much my body and soul would yearn to be with my baby. Maybe she didn’t know. Maybe she believed (like most) that when you give up a baby you are sad for a bit but then you suck it up and just get on with life. I don’t know.

One morning my mom noticed that my ankles were more swollen than normal, and because she had a nursing background, she realized that there might be something wrong. She took me to the doctor where they diagnosed me with pre-eclampsia, and when nothing was helping to bring my blood pressure down, they decided to induce labor. I was not prepared. Not only was this a couple of weeks before my due date, but I was mentally and emotionally unprepared to go through labor, delivery, and relinquishment. The hospital’s idea of preparing me for childbirth was to show me videos of births. I don’t remember any discussion of the availability of pain meds, although I’m sure they must have mentioned an epidural. Mostly I just remember watching these videos of women going through labor and delivery and being absolutely freaked out that I was going to have to go through that also. It looked like a horror movie, with so much pain. I couldn’t even comprehend how an entire baby was going to be able to push out of my vagina, and I was terrified. I had no one to talk to about the process, no one I was comfortable asking questions to. There was no birth plan, no real prep. All I knew was that one day, labor would start and I would be in pain and have to push a baby out and then give that baby to someone else. And now the day had arrived very unexpectedly and there was nothing I could do. The lack of control over the entire situation added to the trauma.

After I gave birth to my perfect baby girl, I refused to hold her. I couldn’t bear the thought of holding her and loving her and then handing her over to someone else. I just couldn’t. My memory is cloudy about this entire episode. I don’t remember times of day or who was there. But I believe that the adoptive parents came the next morning and took her home from the hospital. They got to add a beautiful baby girl to their family, and I got to go home with a crater-sized whole in my soul.

My mom somehow convinced my dad to give up their bedroom to me for a week or two after the birth. That gave me easier access to their attached bathroom, and a private space to myself. I remember silently crying at night, feeling the hot, wet tears sliding down my face in an unending flood. I couldn’t allow anyone else to see me cry. I couldn’t show weakness, especially in my family. I couldn’t let anyone know just how much I was hurting. There was no acknowledgment of the huge loss I had just suffered, no ritual to help me grieve, no community or family support. Within weeks I had to go back to school and act like nothing had happened. A few friends showed me sympathy, and even tried to suggest setting me up with an older single dad they knew so I could try to get my baby back, but for the most part, the relinquishment became a taboo subject, something to be hidden and ignored. I never discussed it with my family. My loss was never even acknowledged. To them, it was a mistake that I had paid the price for. I got what I deserved.

The religious conditioning added to my misery. I felt like I was “used goods,” and that no decent Mormon guy would ever want to even date me, much less marry me. My body showed the ravages of pregnancy and I felt fat, ugly, and worthless. So it should come as no surprise that shortly after the adoption was finalized, my ex came back around and I took him back. (I didn’t connect the timing on that until decades later.) I was even more desperate to be loved now, and felt even less worthy of it. And more than anything, I wanted out of my parent’s home and away from the pain associated with it. My ex joined the Air Force and we made plans to get married. I went to work for the traffic court division at the courthouse and we got married in May 1992, months before my 19^th birthday. We moved to west Texas, where he was stationed. I was able to leave behind my family, my home, my most painful memories, and everyone that knew about my shameful past. I felt like I had escaped.

That first marriage lasted less than 8 months. I knew I had to leave the day he held me down on the floor by my neck. I moved in with my current husband, got pregnant within a few months, and we married 11 days after I gave birth to my second daughter. I have very little memory of that birth. I think I was so traumatized with the first pregnancy and birth that I dissociated this time. When I got home from the hospital, I didn’t want anyone else holding her or taking care of her. I couldn’t let her out of my sight, even when I desperately needed sleep or self-care. Subconsciously, I knew I couldn’t risk having another baby taken away from me. I was in no way prepared for motherhood, though. I suffered from severe post-partum depression and sleep deprivation, and a psychologist suggested that I go into an inpatient treatment center. I refused because they wouldn’t let me take Aimee with me. I couldn’t accept badly needed help because it pitted one need against another, and the need to keep my baby with me was the strongest. I couldn’t lose another baby.

I spent decades trying to hide this chapter of my life. I eventually got active in the Mormon church again, but I never told anyone about my past. I knew I would be judged for who I was back then. I felt the need to “atone” for my sins by becoming the perfect Mormon girl. I tried so hard to fit in the box of who and what I was supposed to be. I had already lost so much of my self with the relinquishment that it seemed natural to take on the roles the church proscribed for me. I could try to be a good mom, wife, and church member.

As I raised Aimee, I realized just how much I had given up. Giving up a baby is a tremendous loss, one that has no equal. And it’s the kind of loss that just continues. I lost my baby, I lost being able to take care of her, watching her learn to sit up, get her first tooth, say her first words, crawl, talk, run, start kindergarten, learn to read, play sports (if she did), make friends, develop her personality, have her first kiss, get her driver’s license, graduate high school, get her first job, move out on her own… I missed all of the milestones AND all of the normal everyday stuff. It’s a grief that grows with time rather than diminishing. It is a pain I would not wish on anyone.

I got 12 letters and 29 photos of my first daughter. I requested updates for the first year, and thankfully her adoptive parents kept their word on that. But that's all I ever received. No visits, no phone calls, no further contact after December of 1991. I had no idea as a 17-year-old birth mother that I could ask for more than that, or that I would later wish that I had. I did my best to put the adoption behind me and "move on" with my life. But always, in the back of my mind, were questions about how she was doing, what she looked like now, where she lived, if she was happy, what she was like. So I clung to those 29 photos, trying to see myself in her baby face, hoping she got some of the better parts of me. Desperately praying that she would be happier, better adjusted, and secure in how loved she was.

I did get to talk to my first daughter about a decade ago. I found her mom on Facebook, reached out and connected with both of them. My daughter and I tried talking by phone a few times, but it soon became apparent that we really were just strangers struggling to come up with anything to talk about. I felt that she was content with her life and her family, and she didn’t seem to have any questions about me, so the contact fizzled out. I was grateful to at least have the reassurance that she was healthy, seemingly happy, and doing okay in her life. It didn’t give me closure, but it did help to relieve the constant wondering of whether she was okay (or even still alive.)

This year I’ve finally started facing this chapter of my life. I started having “sad Tuesdays,” feeling unexplainedly sad and depressed each Tuesday. I had a hunch and looked up what day of the week my first daughter was born. Yep, it was a Tuesday. I’ve also had recurring nightmares where I wake up in a panic because I think I’ve lost or forgotten someone I love and I’ll actually sit up in bed or even get up and start looking for them. My therapist and I both feel that this is connected to the relinquishment. I have started to allow myself to feel the pain and grief of this loss, acknowledging it rather than pushing it away or ignoring it. It’s a lot. There are so many layers of pain, grief, and loss, and I’m newly learning how to feel my emotions in my body and to pay attention to what my body is telling me. My body remembers even when my mind doesn’t. I’m just starting on this journey to try to mourn what was, what is, and what could have been. I hope to someday be in reunion with my first daughter. I think I’d be able to be more open and to connect better with her now. I don’t know if that will ever happen, and that is one of the things I will have to come to terms with.

One thing that has been helpful on my healing journey was leaving the Mormon church. Learning that most of it is false, recognizing all of the mind control tactics they use, knowing how much they use shame and guilt to keep people in line, and how unhealthy the entire system has become helped me understand that I don’t need to hold on to the shame of my first pregnancy. I was a vulnerable teenager whose home life was awful, whose dad put on a show of being a good Mormon guy while being verbally and emotionally abusive at home. I was a girl who needed love and acceptance more than anything. I did what any young girl in my situation might have done, and biology happened. Plenty of boys and girls had sex and were never caught, while others were caught and punished mildly or moderately by the religious leaders. I had the misfortune to actually get pregnant from it, and apparently my body doing what it was biologically made to do was the greatest sin. I should have been shown love and mercy, not given punishment. I should not have been shunned and coerced into giving my baby up for adoption. And if I had willingly chosen adoption, I should have been given sympathy and counseling for the loss I suffered, not made to feel that I was a lost cause. I should never have been made to feel that I had to hide my past and my pain in order to fit in. Those were failings on the part of the church, and I refuse to carry shame any longer for the choices I made.

34 years. I’ve carried this pain for 34 years. And I’ll continue to carry it, because the pain of giving a child up for adoption never goes away. Unlike a funeral for a lost loved one, it leaves no memories to fondly recall, no stories of a loved one’s antics to laugh at, no shared sense of loss within the family. It is an invisible loss that time does not heal.

A part of me died 34 years ago. My personality shifted dramatically. I was far more subdued and serious. When you lose something of such magnitude, it changes how you see the world. I could look out now and see that much of what we thought was important in life is really just silly, stupid, and pointless. Who cares about fashion, hairstyles, makeup, or looks at all when you know your baby is never coming home to you? Who cares about being popular or making lots of money or having a cool car to drive, when none of it can fill the hole in your soul? I gained a unique perspective at a very young age and it has stayed with me. I value relationships, quality time, experiences, and connection far more than I can ever value possessions or prestige. When you lose your firstborn to an unknown future, it places extra emphasis on what really matters in life. I guess if there's a silver lining to any of this, that is probably it.

I have found some level of peace in my life, and even happiness. It’s been a long, hard road. There were many years of depression, crippling social anxiety, dissociation, and an inability to express (sometimes to even feel) my emotions. I have been on half a dozen different antidepressants and read so many self-help books that I’ve lost track. It is just now, at 51 years old, that I have finally been able to go to therapy. I am learning how to grieve. I am learning how to listen to my body, to feel my emotions physically, and to honor my own wants, needs, and intuition. I finally feel like I am coming back home to myself, finding parts of that younger self that were lost 34 years ago.

I’m lucky. I’ve got family and friends that love me. I’ve got a nice home and a comfortable life. I’ve been able to join a couple of Facebook groups that support birth mothers. I’ve got an amazingly compassionate and empathetic therapist. There are so many that don’t have these privileges. I read posts every day from birth mothers who are struggling with the pain and sadness of giving up their children. So many stories of women who wanted to keep their children but couldn’t. It’s hard to read those posts. Sometimes it’s triggering. Sometimes it makes me angry, because this shouldn’t still be happening. No one should have to go through that pain.

Adoption is cruel to birth mothers. It is not a humane or “loving” solution to unwanted pregnancies, and it should not be a recommended course of action for a desperate pregnant woman. I have friends who have adopted children and seem to have had great experiences with it. I don’t fault them for it. But behind almost every happy adoptive family is a birth mother in agonizing pain. (She may not realize just how much until years later, but it's there.) Practices are changing to allow for more a lot more interaction between birth mothers and their relinquished children, which I am glad to see. But in many cases, even that is not enough. It causes trauma to both mother and child (look up adoption trauma.) Children should be with their mother, and we are failing both when we (as a society) encourage women to go against their basic instincts and give a child up because they don’t have the resources to parent. I would rather see a woman get an abortion than have to relinquish her child. Yeah, that's how strongly I feel about it. It’s something that should never happen in a nation as wealthy as the US unless the woman herself wants to give her child up for personal reasons (which is extremely rare.)

This post only starts to tap into the grief caused by the adoption. Then there's the rage about the unfairness, how the patriarchy influenced the entire situation, the way the Mormon church manipulated me, and the absolute blindness by the adoptive family about what this did to me. It doesn't touch on the depression from how many facets of my life it has negatively affected. And to make it more confusing, there's also gratitude to and for the adoptive family and the love they give my child, and how they did enable me to "move on" with my life. There are so many emotions involved. So wish me luck as I try to process them. Send me compassionate thoughts and healing energy, because this is a lot to unpack.

Positive Aspects of the Mormon Church

2024-02-22T16:08:00.000-05:00

A faith transition is an interesting experience to go through. There are times when I'm filled with rage for things the church did or didn't do, for what it took from me, and for what it kept me from. Other times I am filled with deep sadness over what I have lost: community, certainty, belief, and trust. Occasionally I feel tremendous regret over what was and what could have been, disappointment over how long it took me to "see the light," and confusion about what to believe in now (or if I even should place my belief in another system or organization.) Most days, I'm okay with what it is now. I am good with not knowing, with growing and evolving. I am content in a way that I never was before, probably because I am allowed to accept myself just the way I am right now. I still want to improve myself, but it's no longer with an eye towards unattainable perfection or some standard of "worthiness." Now I can fully accept that I am human, complete with contradictions, foibles, biases, faults, and imperfections. I can also accept life just as it is, without constantly looking to the future for resolution, justice, or peace because the present isn't what I want it to be. I can accept that whatever comes my way is just another experience for me to go through, another lesson to learn, another challenge to overcome. I expect life to be hard, boring, disappointing, scary, sad, and even depressing at times. But I also expect it to be fun, exciting, beautiful, fulfilling, and meaningful. I no longer subconsciously fight against what is, but try to mindfully, consciously be present.

I don't regret leaving Mormonism for even a moment, because of how much richer, happier, and more authentic my life is now. But I have to give credit to the LDS church for some things that it did right in my life (which also helps me be at peace with the fact that I have many friends and some family who are still in it.)

The Mormon church gave me a faith foundation, something to believe in with a childlike faith. It was the prelude to the stage of faith I am in now. The church also helped me have a strong desire to improve myself. That's a mixed bag because it also instilled an underlying sense that I was never good enough and so I needed to do and be better in order to be acceptable or "worthy," but I am still thankful that I have always had that drive to keep learning and growing. The church also taught me some practical life skills, such as self-discipline, perseverance, food storage, frugality, budgeting, and how to teach and lead. Feeling pressured to accept callings was anxiety-inducing and uncomfortable, but it taught me to push past that discomfort and develop new skills and abilities. The Word of Wisdom helped me recognize how important diet and health are, and the doctrine of forever families taught me to cherish family and work on my relationships so I would want to be with them for eternity.

The most important thing the Mormon church gave me was the opportunity to become friends with some of the most incredible people I have known. I had ladies that accepted me for who I was, who were mentors, teachers, and good examples, and who showed me how to be a good wife, mother, and friend. I was surrounded by women who helped me feel loved, which was the greatest gift I could ever be given. I got to know men who were kind, humble, caring, and truly loved their wives and children, something that helped me overcome my view of God as a wrathful and angry father-figure who just wanted to punish me to one of a loving father that wanted me to be obedient so I could enjoy blessings. I had teachers who taught me the history and context of the bible and how to find meaning in the symbolic. I rubbed shoulders with many people who were far more educated than I was, giving me the impetus to educate myself further, whether by reading on my own or by finally going to college. I made good friends who I have stayed in touch with for many years and through multiple moves.

So even as I write about my anger, dislike, and disgust over the institution of the church, I don't want to forget, deny, or turn my back on the positive aspects. I may have left Mormonism, but it will always be a part of me. I'd rather make peace with that than try to remove it from myself. Some days I feel like I've got a good handle on that, other days I just want to numb out, rage, or cry. And that's okay, too. Because my reactions are healthy, normal, human reactions to what I discovered and what I am going through. I still look for the positives in this, but I know that I don't always have to be positive or happy with it.

Now indulge me here as I do a very Mormon thing and share my "testimony": Life is good. It's full of possibilities, opportunities, challenges, and so much potential to be great. I trust that I will continue to be guided to the knowledge and wisdom I need, and that I will continue to evolve to become the complete being I was made to be. I know that what I know is miniscule, and rather than letting that make me feel inadequate or ignorant, it fills me with excitement about how much I still get to learn. I believe in integrity, love, honesty, devotion, generosity, compassion, balance, peace, and authenticity. These are what I hold onto, and what I strive to practice. Amen.

What Do I Love About Leaving Mormonism?

2024-02-16T16:42:00.000-05:00

You know what I love the most about leaving Mormonism? Coffee is high on the list, but the number one benefit is that my mind is free!

I now have the freedom to read, think, and learn about anything and everything without having to run it through the "gospel" lens. I no longer need to do mental gymnastics to make things fit into the Mormon (or even Christian) doctrine and worldview.

I always thought I had a pretty open mind (and I did for being so orthodox) but now I'm seeing all the ways the church's programming affected my ability to use reason and logic and to be fully open to information and possibilities that didn't mesh with their beliefs. Whenever I would read or study, my mind would automatically start questioning how the new information fit within the gospel context. If it didn't, it was suspect and quite possibly wrong. Or I had to twist my mind in knots trying to make it make sense. Not any more.

My mind is so much more open now, and so many things now make sense because I can accept them as they are, instead of trying to make them fit a particular narrative (or worse, convincing myself that I don't need to know or understand, or that it doesn't matter because God will explain it all after I'm dead.)

I don't need to listen to long, complicated explanations or make excuses for why things have to be just so. Instead, I can just go with what actually does make sense, what resonates with me personally, and with the results of verifiable research. It's like having blinders removed, or suddenly seeing the world in color. It's beautiful and amazing! There's a great big world out there, and many, many people who know a lot more about it than I do, and I'm excited to "sit at their feet" and soak up lots of new knowledge and wisdom. I can finally fully give in to my insatiable curiosity without limitations or shackles.

Is God a "good" parent?

2024-02-14T16:30:00.000-05:00

What kind of parent should I expect the Mormon (or even mainstream Christian) God to be? Some describe him as a loving father, others as a jealous or vengeful god or ruler, but believers all say that he is all-knowing, all-powerful, and perfect. So it would be reasonable of me to expect him to use the best parenting practices, right? And no, I'm not saying I would know better than God what a perfect parent would do, but there is very clear data that certain parenting styles and techniques are far more effective than others, and I would assume that God would know that and follow them (and to have influenced his children to follow his example.)

Sadly, a parenting class I took in college is part of what made me really start questioning whether the version of God that I was taught about is really accurate. You see, there are four main parenting styles, all of which have been extensively researched.

1. Authoritative:

2. Authoritarian

3. Permissive

4. Uninvolved

I'll just use the descriptions that the National Institutes of Health has on their website to give you a good idea of what the styles are like, how they differ, and their effects on children.

"Authoritarian Parenting

Parents of this style tend to have a one-way mode of communication where the parent establishes strict rules that the child obeys. There is little to no room for negotiations from the child, and the rules are not usually explained. They expect their children to uphold these standards while making no errors. Mistakes usually lead to punishment. Authoritarian parents are normally less nurturing and have high expectations with limited flexibility.

Children that grow up with authoritarian parents will usually be the most well-behaved in the room because of the consequences of misbehaving. Additionally, they are better able to adhere to the precise instructions required to reach a goal. Furthermore, this parenting style can result in children who have higher levels of aggression but may also be shy, socially inept, and unable to make their own decisions.[1] This aggression can remain uncontrolled as they have difficulty managing anger as they were not provided with proper guidance. They have poor self-esteem, which further reinforces their inability to make decisions.[2] Strict parental rules and punishments often influence the child to rebel against authority figures as they grow older.

Authoritative Parenting

This type of parent normally develops a close, nurturing relationship with their children. They have clear guidelines for their expectations and explain their reasons associated with disciplinary actions. Disciplinary methods are used as a way of support instead of punishment. Not only can children have input into goals and expectations, but there are also frequent and appropriate levels of communication between the parent and their child. In general, this parenting style leads to the healthiest outcomes for children but requires a lot of patience and effort on both parties.

Authoritative parenting results in children who are confident, responsible, and able to self-regulate.[1][3] They can manage their negative emotions more effectively, which leads to better social outcomes and emotional health. Since these parents also encourage independence, their children will learn that they are capable of accomplishing goals on their own. This results in children who grow up with higher self-esteem. Also, these children have a high level of academic achievement and school performance.[4]

Permissive Parenting

Permissive parents tend to be warm, nurturing and usually have minimal or no expectations. They impose limited rules on their children. Communication remains open, but parents allow their children to figure things out for themselves. These low levels of expectation usually result in rare uses of discipline. They act more like friends than parents.

Limited rules can lead to children with unhealthy eating habits, especially regarding snacks.[5] This can result in increased risks for obesity and other health problems later in the child’s life. The child also has a lot of freedom as they decide their bedtime, if or when to do homework, and screen time with the computer and television.[6] Freedom to this degree can lead to other negative habits as the parent does not provide much guidance on moderation. Overall, children of permissive parents usually have some self-esteem and decent social skills. However, they can be impulsive, demanding, selfish, and lack self-regulation.[7][8]

Uninvolved Parenting

Children are given a lot of freedom as this type of parent normally stays out of the way. They fulfill the child’s basic needs while generally remaining detached from their child’s life. An uninvolved parent does not utilize a particular disciplining style and has a limited amount of communication with their child. They tend to offer a low amount of nurturing while having either few or no expectations of their children.

The children of uninvolved parents usually are resilient and may even be more self-sufficient than children with other types of upbringing. However, these skills are developed out of necessity. Additionally, they might have trouble controlling their emotions, less effective coping strategies, may have academic challenges, and difficulty with maintaining or nurturing social relationships."

(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK568743/#:~:text=Different%20researchers%20have%20grouped%20parenting,how%20parents%20raise%20their%20children.)

As I learned about the different parenting styles, it became clear that authoritative parenting was the gold standard of the bunch. It has the best overall outcomes for a child's healthy and normal development. The other three all have serious drawbacks. Most people gravitate towards one main parenting style, but often employ elements of two, three, or even all four styles, especially with multiple children that have vastly different personalities and needs. By and far, though, the majority of children will do best with authoritative parents.

So why does God generally employ the two least favorable styles of parenting, the authoritarian and uninvolved? Why does he seem to actively avoid using the most nurturing and beneficial parenting style?

If you read the scriptures, God can come across as jealous, violent, vengeful, distant, uncaring, punitive, and totally uninvolved. He created clear guidelines (ten commandments, and many other "laws) in the Old Testament, but didn't really communicate with the majority of his "children," and offered very little nurturing. Then Jesus shows up and models authoritative parenting while in the flesh- he explained the reasons for his rules, set standards that were reasonable, and was a pro at communicating and teaching.

In Mormonism, God (the father) and Jesus Christ (the son) are two separate beings. That makes this more confusing because why would the "father" be a worse parent than the "son?" Wouldn't the father have taught by example? Or is God a hypocrite who used the "do as I say, not as I do" method of teaching? Why did Jesus have such an intuitive grasp on the need to teach, nurture, and love if his father didn't? How does this make sense with a perfect God?

In mainstream Christianity God the father and Jesus Christ (the son) are actually one, which creates its own mess of confusion. If God is never-changing and all-knowing, why did his parenting style change so drastically between the Old and New Testaments? Why did it take embodiment (God as Jesus Christ) to enable/empower/allow him to use the best parenting practices?

None of it makes sense. And I know that believers will say that I am anthropomorphizing god, that his ways are not our ways, that I need to just have faith, but shouldn't an omnipotent God know that his children on earth are going to learn all these things that will make them wonder why he has been so uninvolved and invisible in his children's lives? Wouldn't a truly loving, perfect parent be working hard to maintain their relationship with their children? Instead, we are left with ambiguous scriptures that often contradict themselves, reliance on a holy spirit that is completely subjective and mostly just our own emotional responses, and human men who claim to speak for this absentee parent without any way of verifying their authority.

I can appreciate some of the teachings and morals in the Christian scriptures, but I get the feeling that their God has been horribly misrepresented by men as a deadbeat dad who is far more interested in blind obedience than in loving personal relationships. There's something wrong with that.

The Mormon Church is Toxic

2024-01-31T11:26:00.000-05:00

Today, I'm angry. No, it's deeper and more intense than just that. I'm furious. I'm not going to sugarcoat what I'm feeling, what my lived experiences have been, or what I think.

So what's got me so fired up? The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Part of why the anger is so strong is because it is against an institution and not an individual, which means that there is no opportunity for discussion, resolution, or restitution. I can fight with my husband and have really hurt feelings, but we can also cool down, reassess, talk things out, forgive, and move on. I can't do that with the organization that brainwashed me for 50 years. I can't go to the women's group leader, the bishop, the stake president, or even the prophet and have my voice be heard, my feelings validated, and my concerns addressed. I already know what would happen if I attempted that with any of those individuals- plenty of excuses, gaslighting, sympathy (without real understanding), and counsel to just have faith, believe, and keep doing what they think is "right." That doesn't help.

They can't help to undo the years of brainwashing, manipulation, and controlling tactics that the church has used on me. I can already hear the denials by active members that the church doesn't do any of those things, and that I'm just deceived or my perception is skewed or I'm just an angry ex-member. I'll gladly admit to the latter, but my eyes are open and I'm seeing the church clearly for the first time in my life. Although there are some positive aspects to it, overall it is toxic. (Show me a Mormon, especially a Mormon woman, who doesn't have some depression, anxiety, or more serious mental illness. And read this entire post and tell me the church isn't guilty of many of the tactics...)

Taken at face value, many of the church's teachings seem helpful, common sense, or at least harmless. But when you look at how they are applied, the expectations (implicit and explicit) that are put on people, and the general culture that has developed, it is not healthy. For example, I was taught that as a woman I should be humble, meek, submissive, loving, nurturing, and selfless. I was expected to serve others, set the right tone in my home, teach my child, support and respect my husband, give deference to authority figures like bishops and stake presidents, and stay at home rather than have a job. My "job" was to bring more spirits into the world by having children and then raise them to be righteous members of the church. These were just the explicit expectations. Then you add the cultural ones that had me thinking that I also needed to know how to cook (from scratch, preferably!), be creative and make cute stuff, decorate a home, dress stylishly, speak softly, be friendly, be well-spoken and intelligent, be able to do public speaking and teaching, and be feminine. Do you know anyone who could do all of this (and maintain good mental health?!) I don't. And I wasn't able to. Instead, I spent 50 years spinning my wheels trying to measure up and keep up.

Unfortunately, I took many of the teachings and pressures to heart (because that's what a "good" Mormon does.) I made many life decisions based on what I had been brainwashed into thinking was the "right" thing for a woman to do. I didn't realize I had real choices. I was told what was "best" and set aside what would have been considered (to the church) "good" or "better." To have that much control over a person's thoughts, sense of self-identity, and behavior is not healthy. You could say that I was just weak or took things the wrong way, but there are literally millions of women who have followed the same path as me, and it wasn't because we are all naturally inclined to. You can't fight against programming from birth if you don't even know it's being done. You don't know that it can be okay to follow a different path if you are always taught that you should aim for one specific one.

That's messed up. I should be 25 years into a career right now. I should have a stable sense of self-identity, the self-worth to know that I am good enough just as I am, and more life skills than just what is necessary to run a household. I should have been taught how to make decisions by weighing the pros and cons, listening to my intuition and moving forward, rather than being told that each choice could have eternal consequences (yikes!) and that I should seek guidance from a male (God, holy ghost, father, husband, bishop, etc.) I should have been taught critical thinking skills, and encouraged to question, research, test things, and come to my own conclusion.

Seriously, being in a high-demand religion is so damaging to normal human development. It requires constant mental gymnastics to deal with the cognitive dissonance of what I "know" (believe) and facts about church history, issues, and even basic psychology, sociology, etc. It necessitated setting aside my inner compass so I could "follow the prophet," even though a 90+ year-old-old man knows nothing of my particular situation. It meant repeating such stupid phrases as "the people aren't perfect, but the church is," "love the sinner, hate the sin," and "God's ways are not our ways, just have faith." Each of these was thought-stopping phrases meant to keep me from looking any deeper into issues that would come up.

The church is very good at disguising their control mechanisms as something desirable or normal. Steven Hassan, a former member of the Moonies cult and mental health counselor (including cult deprogramming), created the BITE model, which demonstrates some of the methods high-demand groups or cults use. Look at what his research has determined:

Any one of these by itself could be innocuous, but when multiple methods in each category are put to use, undue influence is being used to control a person.

I'll quote now from a book that goes into the methods used by high-demand groups, including the Mormon church. My comments are in brackets.

There are actually "31 specific mechanisms high-demand groups use to recruit, convert, control, and retain members:

Love bombing- friendliness, flattery, praise, and affection are used to entice participation and attendance...

Destabilizing the Self- ...includes those who have already been destabilized by life situations and the indoctrination of children who have not yet formed a sense of self. [Missionaries have actually been encouraged to seek out those who have been through destabilizing events in their life, because they are more vulnerable. I have personally experienced this one.]

Deception- Lies, omissions, and "front" activities cover flaws or unusual aspects of the group, doctrine, leadership, and history. [It doesn't take much searching to uncover the massive deception by the church about its history, finances, etc.]

Sacred Science (Closed System of Logic)- The ideology and leader have the one and only truth. Members should only seek answers in group teachings. The leaders are above criticism... [100%]

Mystical Manipulation- Forces exist which are more powerful than the self. The group strives to fulfill a higher purpose. Ends justify the means.

Milieu Control- Information and environment are tightly controlled. ...Access to outside information is tightly regulated, especially that which might raise doubts or be critical of the group. [Members are strongly encouraged to avoid "anti" literature and information, as well as any websites or persons who speak against the church.]

Demand for Purity (Perpetual Inadequacy)- Lofty moral goals are set. At first the goals seem achievable, but the standards for achievement grow ever more impossible to meet, keeping the follower perpetually inadequate. [Strive for perfection, but never come close.]

Dispensing of Evidence- The individual's literal or figurative existence is threatened as a consequence for impurity, doubt, or leaving the group.

Doctrine Over Self- The individual is subordinate to the group, leader, and teachings. When personal desires, goals, and values conflict with group values, they become selfish or immoral. [There is very little room for development or expression of self within the church. Only those who are exceptionally strong and not bothered by disapproval generally do so.]

Loading the Language- Existing words are loaded with new meaning. New words are added. Other words are banned or dropped from usage. This affects ability to think, as well as ability to communicate comfortably with those outside the group. [There's a reason Mormons have their own jargon, which has to be explained to non-members.]

Totalist Reframing- Situations, thoughts, or feelings are reinterpreted in a way that suits the goals of the organization. This is used to continually prove the ideology correct, to squelch doubts, and to silence outsiders.

Thought-Terminating Cliches- Short phrases, pat answers, and emotional reactions are pre-established to frame doubts. Doubt and questions are automatically shut down. [Think of your favorite hymn or scripture when tempted; doubt your doubts; if you feel uncomfortable with new information it is probably Satan tempting you, etc.]

Social Pressure- Social acceptance and rejection are used to reward and punish. A member becomes driven with a desire to conform. [Much of this is implicit. There is constant judgement of others on things like clothing (immodest), not wearing garments (or wearing them improperly), doing things on Sundays, appearance, etc.]

Belief Follows Behavior- Action generates the associated belief. [Fake it till you make it; bear testimony and you'll gain a testimony; obey and then be blessed with a belief in the behavior]

Public Commitment- Commitments are expressed aloud. Public statements reinforce belief and dedication to the group. [Baptism, testimonies]

Creating Dependency- A member comes to depend on the group for physical, emotional, social, spiritual, or other needs. The member has a high stake in continuing to stay loyal to the group. [Many members' entire social network consists of other members. This creates serious issues when a person decides to leave, because they lose their social support and often even family support. This can also include requiring members to pay tithing when they don't have enough for their own needs and then providing them with food or assistance.]

Black and White Thinking- Broad spectrums of thought and morality become reduced to two options: Good vs. Evil, Love vs. Hate, Weak vs. Strong, Humble vs. Proud. [100%]

Elitism- The members of the group are chosen people, exalted, righteous. Members are made to feel special when compared to outsiders. [100%]

Us-Versus-Them Thinking- ...a form of black and white thinking wherein outsiders, ex-members, and those critical of the group are dehumanized and labeled as evil, apostate, vicious, hateful, prideful, blinded, deceived, etc. A persecution complex may exist whereby reasonable criticism is reframed as an attack. [Yep, I'm an apostate now. I must be deceived or blinded.]

Indirect Directives- Certain restrictions or demands on behavior are implied rather than express. ...Leadership remains innocent of issuing any unseemly teachings.

Identification and Example- Those who behave correctly or incorrectly are used as examples. Suggested behavior can be inferred from these stories without direct commandment. [Go read some conference talks and look for these types of stories. They're there.]

Emotion Over Intellect- Emotion is emphasized as the preferred decision-making tool. The value of using reason is down-played. Doctrines are often taught in emotional contexts, such as through stories told in tearful or gentle tones. [Rely on the spirit, not your own intellect. "Lean not on thine own understanding." The church actually uses music as a tool to manipulate emotional responses.]

Induced Phobias- Fears are instilled which are either imaginary, based on real or exaggerated consequences, or on artificial effects created from group pressures. [Fear of hell, fear of family not being together in the celestial kingdom, fear of shunning, etc.]

Trance Induction & Dissociative States- Critical thinking skills are reduced through regular encouragement of receptive mental states. Altered states can be mild and seem normal, and include concentration, fatigue, boredom, and hunger. [Fasting, general conference, early-morning seminary, etc.]

Time Control- The member has little time or energy to question beliefs, associate with outsiders, or examine life too closely. Time spent on group-related activities is strongly encouraged or enforced, and usually fills every spare moment. [The church requires so much time and energy!! Church every Sunday, weekday activities, Stake Conference, general conferences, youth trips, ward activities, seminary, institute, callings, choir, etc. You could spend as much time at church or on church-related activities as you do at a part-time job!]

Double-Bind- The member is "damned if you do, damned if you don't." She must betray the group or betray her own integrity. [My integrity said that I couldn't continue to pay tithing to an unethical organization with no financial transparency... so I could either pay tithing to the church to maintain a temple recommend but betray my own integrity, or pay it to other charities and betray the group.]

Blame Reversal- The leadership, group, and doctrine are above reproach, so any failed promises and bad situations are always the fault of the member. [If you aren't given specific blessings, it must be because of something you did or something you should have done but didn't. No way it was because of the rigged system.]

Guilt & Shame- A cycle of guilt and shame comes from repressed doubts, social pressure, and failure to meet impossible standards. [So much shame!! Shame is toxic, unhealthy, and creates a lot of mental and emotional distress. Shame is not a good tool for any organization to use, but it is used in spades in the church.]

Confession- The individual surrenders to leaders through confession, which reduces privacy and boundaries. Successful purification can grant temporary relief from guilt, which increases trust and dedication. Members are motivated to obey to avoid confession. [Go talk to your bishop about your sins; be publicly humiliated by being denied the sacrament; attend disciplinary hearings about your sins, etc. And unfortunately, your private confession becomes a topic of conversation in bishopric meetings, ward councils, and even within the ward when one person shares private information with others. That's not safe or healthy.]

Euphoria Induction- The euphoria of group participation and fulfilling the member's ideals motivates good behavior and reduces doubts while proving the validity of the group. [congregational singing and testimony bearing induces feelings of the spirit]

Proselytizing- Members are encouraged to propagate teachings to outsiders. This not only maintains or increases the size of the group, but also soothes cognitive dissonance, consumes time, and provides opportunities for public commitment. [100%]

(From Recovering Agency: Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control by Luna Lindsey Corbden)

Like I said, if a church or other organization only used a couple of these, it could be harmless or unintentional. But when you start to see the big picture, you see a very unhealthy and controlling system that creates extreme devotion and denial of self. Many of these tactics have been pointed out to church leaders over the years, so it's not like they aren't aware of what they are doing. Since their number one priority is to keep the church going and keep members active, they aren't likely to make many healthy changes until it benefits them somehow.

So yeah, I'm livid that I fell prey to a high-demand religion that molded me from the time I was an infant. Actually, it goes back beyond that. My dad, my grandparents, my great-grandparents, and even my great-great-grandparents were sucked into this. And because much of the information and facts that are easily available on the internet today were hidden, unavailable, or treated as "anti," there was little chance of any of my ancestors getting out before I was born. I had no choice. I also came from a highly dysfunctional and even abusive family, so I was primed to seek out the church's promise of happiness and blessings through obedience and compliance. I didn't know there were other ways to create a happy or healthy family. My options were dysfunction or the church fairy-tale. So I went all-in on the Mormon Plan of Happiness.

I don't think it's wrong to teach children about god, or even the "gospel," but I do think it's wrong to hide the truth about a religion's history, past teachings, and current manipulative methods. I think children should be taught critical thinking skills, boundaries, consent, personal safety, autonomy, and that it's okay to not fit in. There are other churches and organizations that are able to do these things in a healthy way, so it's not impossible. But the Mormon church is not one of those. I am glad that my grandchildren will not be raised in it. I am thankful that they can grow up without the undue influence and control of such a dishonest and manipulative religion. I am just sad that I have wasted 50 years in it, that my daughter is struggling with the after-effects of it, and that my family has lost so much time, money, and mental wellness to it. I know it still works for some people, and I wish them the best. I sincerely hope that those who stay in do it in a much healthier way than I was able to. But as for me and my family, we're out.

Lessons from 2023

2023-12-29T11:00:00.004-05:00

Things I learned in 2023

1) This moment, right now, is the only time I have. The past and the future are only in my mind, they are not what I am experiencing at the moment. This is a very liberating realization. I am learning to focus on being present and living in the now, rather than ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. It's important to me to be present with the people I'm with, to experience the moment I'm in, and to live each moment fully. I am not guaranteed a single breath beyond the one I just exhaled, so I don't want to waste any time I am given.

2) Self-sacrifice is not noble- it is slow suicide. There is no need for me to give and give and give in the name of love, service, duty, or anything else. It's okay for me to take care of my own needs, to say "no," and to pay attention to what my body and soul are saying they need. I shouldn't put myself last in some misguided effort to overcome the "natural man" tendency towards selfishness in me. Balance is necessary.

3) Other people are responsible for their own thoughts, emotions, and getting their own needs met. It's not my job to anticipate others' emotional responses or to step in and try to solve their problems. If someone communicates clearly what they want or need from me, I can choose whether or not I can provide that. I love helping others, so this is a hard one to put in practice, but as I learn to step back and allow others to step up into their own personal power, it's better for both of us.

4) Boundaries are healthy and important. I am allowed to decide how much of my time and energy I give to any person or entity. I am allowed to say "no," and I can have specific limits on what I will or will not tolerate in my relationships.

5) High-demand religion is not healthy. The levels of codependency, enmeshment, and dysfunction can lead to serious mental illness. Lack of consent, lack of transparency, dishonesty, control, and coercion are horrible tactics to use in a spiritual setting, but are easy to get away with when the congregants are used to obeying "God's" authority.

6) We can be complicit in our own brainwashing, but we won't know it until we are on the outside looking in. Participating in constant indoctrination, ignoring cognitive dissonance, doing everything that is "required" of us without really questioning the reasons behind it and who is really benefiting, and listening to the counsel to avoid outside sources that speak negatively of the institution are all choices I made (albeit mostly unconsciously.) When you are indoctrinated from a young age, it's especially hard to open your eyes and see things as they really are, but once you do, you can't unsee it.

7) I need to listen to my body. I was conditioned to ignore my body and my needs, and that has led to a lot of physical pain, trauma, and disconnection from self. As I am learning to reconnect with my body, I am starting to understand that my physical form holds its own form of wisdom. I am learning how to recognize emotions in my body, and to accept them as signals that are trying to bring my attention to my own needs.

8) I am becoming more and more comfortable with not knowing. There is a lot that is unknowable, uncertain, and mysterious in this life, and that can be really scary or uncomfortable. I used to think that I "knew" where I came from, what I was supposed to be doing, and where I would be going to, and having all of that disintegrate was disorienting. I know a lot of people struggle with this, but somehow I mostly feel a sense of freedom. I am now free to accept what feels right and good and let go of what doesn't. If there is a God, either he/she/it is all about love and so I'll be all right as long as I try to love, or he/she/it is punitive and has stacked the deck against humans and so I'll be screwed anyway, or there isn't a God and maybe there's nothing after this but I won't be a sentient being so it won't matter, or maybe it's one of a million other iterations of an afterlife, but there's nothing I can do to know for sure so I'm just going to live my life, be a good human, love others, and try to live so that I won't regret when my existence ends.

9) I feel like the one universal truth is the golden rule, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Almost all cultures and religions teach some version of the golden rule and that's something that feels right. It's in everyone's best interests for humans to love and help each other, and detrimental when they hurt each other. So for me, the only sin is to purposely hurt others. I don't need to follow a bunch of made-up rules in order to qualify for a God's love. I think humans have created these additional rules in efforts to gain power, control, and wealth, and I'm done with enabling that.

10) The universe sends you what you need when you need it. I have found so much information, knowledge, connections, and new relationships that have been just what I needed this year. Step by step, I am being led to the sources I need, as long as I keep my mind and my eyes open. I trust in whatever source or creator is out there to continue to guide me.

11) I don't need a God that fits in a box of my own or someone else's making. To try to say that God is a male father figure that is concerned with what I wear, what I drink, what I do with my Sundays, what societal role I play, or who I love is to make him far too mortal, too egotistical, too patriarchal and misogynistic to be an all-powerful and all-knowing being. I can't believe in a God that would answer the prayers of someone who needs help finding their keys or getting a better job, while ignoring the pleas of millions of his other children who are starving, in abject poverty, being abused, or even being slaughtered. I know that life isn't fair, but that's not a god that I can worship.

12) I want for others what I want for myself: the self-confidence to believe that I can face and overcome the challenges that come my way, enough self-love to do what is best for me, a sense of self-worth that enables me to feel good about myself without the approval of others, the ability to take care of myself, the reciprocal love and support of good friends, a sense of connection with the "divine" and with all living beings, and a sense of peace and belonging within myself.

As I head into the new year, I feel that I am approaching it with a lot more peace than in the past. I am not worried about doing enough to measure up to ecclesiastical standards or to gain God's approval. I am content with figuring out who I am, what I like, what I want, what I can contribute, and how I can love. I know I will still grapple with the anger, pain, and sadness of my faith transition, and with the fallout of years of serious trauma, but I feel stronger and more ready to face these challenges. I could never have imagined this time last year that I would be where I am. So much of what has happened was unexpected and life-altering. So I won't make any predictions on what 2024 might bring. I am just going to try to be open to whatever experiences and challenges come my way. I am open to learning, growing, and becoming.

Leaving Mormonism

2023-12-10T15:49:00.002-05:00

I am a rather private person, often keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself. But sometimes, I feel the need to express myself, to let my voice be heard, and to speak up. My faith transition journey is one of the things that I have been fairly quiet about, but I feel the need to write about it, to not only record some of what I've learned and gone through, but also to try to counter the many posts I made on this blog encouraging others to believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I don't feel right leaving this personal space as one that mostly advocates for that church without now also encouraging readers to dig deeper into the history and actions of the church so they can make truly informed choices about their participation in it.

In late February of this year, I learned about the SEC's fine against the LDS church. I thought it was weird that the church which had always taught me that I had to be honest in my dealings with my fellow man could have done anything that resulted in the largest fine ever given by the SEC, so I started looking into it. What I found was disturbing, to say the least. (See my previous post about this here.) Part of what bothered me was the complete lack of accountability from the leadership of the church. There was zero admission that what they did was wrong, no apology, no attempt to make things right. That made me start wondering what else they might be hiding or lying about.

Well... turns out there is a lot. The LDS church is good at spinning the stories about their history and giving partial truths to make things more palatable for their members and the general public. Problem is, if you are really curious, enjoy research, and actually read footnotes, you start to see a much different picture than the one they present. (I started with the Gospel Topics Essays on the church's own website. Gotta read the footnotes and follow where they go!)

I get it. Every organization exists to perpetuate itself, and that often involves some sketchy tactics, ranging from mild dishonesty to straight-up corruption and fraud. I never expected the LDS church to be perfect. I know it's run by humans, and humans make mistakes. Unfortunately, the church itself promotes the idea that it is infallible, always correct, and the only true church on the earth. That sets a really high standard, especially when you claim to have 15 "prophets, seers, and revelators" who get direction directly from God. That does give the impression that members should be able to fully trust the top leadership to live the same standards they expect of everyone else.

What I've learned is that the leadership of the church has been dishonest and deceptive from the start. The very foundations of the church itself are built on lies, fraud, and charismatic story-telling. What I was taught in my 50 years in the church was only the sanitized story, leaving out many of the details that change the narrative significantly.

I won't go into each of the issues here because there are others who have put a lot of time and effort to elaborate on them, and my attempts would just be repeating work that's already been done. If you want to get a feel for what I'm talking about, check out the CES Letter (a letter written to the director of the Church Educational Service per his request so he could address the writer's doubts and concerns), Letter to My (Mormon) Child, and What I Wish I Had Known. These are excellent resources that show that there aren't just one or two questionable issues with the LDS church- there are so many that any open-minded person learning about them can't help but see that the common narratives of revelation, inspiration, and translation don't hold up. Joseph Smith was a charismatic con man, who was a genius at story-telling, compiling many of the available answers to doctrinal questions of his day, and creating new rituals and ordinances to solidify his authority and influence.

I don't say these things lightly. I have been a faithful member of the LDS church for decades, serving in leadership callings, attending every possible week, following the doctrine and teachings as if it came straight from God (because I was told it did.) I wasn't a fair-weather member, or one who had serious doubts or problems. I had questions and some doubts, but I was really good at putting those on a "shelf" and telling myself that God would have all the answers I'd need after I died. I cannot stress enough how much I was NOT looking to doubt, question, or give up my faith. I had always seen and appreciated the good the church had done for me. It gave me certainty, answers, guidance, and structure at times when I needed it most. I will never deny the positive aspects of the church, nor the benefits that I gained through it.

But I can no longer pretend that it didn't cause a lot of problems also. I was vulnerable to the church's methods and teachings because of the trauma I had experienced growing up, as a teenager, and even as an adult. I am a pro at dissociating, masking, gaslighting myself by only looking at the positives, and living within my own little "happy" facade. I spent all of my time trying to do "good works," serve others, sacrifice myself, and do all the things that would get me to the highest level of Mormon heaven. I didn't have the knowledge or awareness to know that it was extremely unhealthy to spend so much of my time and energy living someone else's rules, giving so much of myself without even knowing my own needs, and parroting all of the dogma I had been fed.

Dealing with the betrayal of the church that I had dedicated my life to has been hard. As the following quote explains, it hasn't affected only my relationship with the church.

I am not only dealing with the mental, emotional, and spiritual fallout, but also reexamining my entire belief system. Finding out the truth about Mormonism collapsed my ability to believe in God or Jesus in any form similar to what I had been taught. I am still figuring out what my new beliefs are, but so far I can say that I believe in a higher power/creator/source, I believe in spiritual experiences, and I believe in love. I know that everything is made of energy, that energy doesn't die (it just changes form) so I believe that our energy continues after our body is dead. I'm okay with not "knowing" and not being certain about God and the afterlife.

There are so many things I'm having to learn, unlearn, and reconstruct. I don't think people realize just how invasive the Mormon church is in daily life. From what I don't eat/drink, to what underwear I wear, what I do with my time, how I speak, what I do with 10% of my money, and even who/what I listen to or read (avoid the "anti" stuff at all costs!) to the many hours of constant indoctrination I endured on Sundays and conference weekends. Everything is calculated to keep their dogma front and center in your mind, to keep you from questioning their "truth" and to keep you attending and doing all the things they know will keep you committed. They do surveys and studies to find the best methods to do all of this, so it's not like it's incidental. It is part of the organization's plan to pursue their purpose to continue to exist. It's some real mind-fuckery once you understand the psychology of it all.

I had really hoped that I could manage to be a nuanced member, to set aside what I had learned and still participate for the community, but I quickly realized that the church can no longer be a part of my life. I can't unsee what I've seen, I can't pretend that I am okay with it any more. I have too much integrity to continue giving my time, money, energy, and self to an organization that does just as much (or more) harm than it does good. I won't live old white men's standards that they themselves don't also live up to.

So here I am. It's been 8 months since I've attended an LDS service. It was really hard at first, to not be living in my comfort zone. Within the church, I had my routines, I knew what I needed (or should) do with my time, I had certainty about knowing what God wanted and that I was one of the "elect" that would most likely be in the celestial kingdom. It felt good to be that sure of everything, and scary to admit that I really wasn't. But the further I got from Mormonism, the better it felt. I no longer feel the weight of so many man-made expectations. I feel free to be me. Not the faithful, selfless, always-loving Mormon woman facade, but the real me. The one who can admit that I mess up all the time, the one who is allowed to be happy, sad, mad, discouraged, and anything else a normal human being feels, the one who chooses when and who to serve, the one who enjoys a cup of coffee in the morning and living in the moment. I feel so much lighter.

I never had a single thought in my life that I would ever leave the Mormon church. I was born and raised in it. I have pioneer heritage. I was as "all in" as a Mormon could get. I haven't been misled by anti literature, I haven't been led astray by the devil, and I didn't lose my testimony because I wasn't doing all the things I was supposed to. Anyone who knows me knows that I look at all sides of things, that I love learning, and that I don't make big decisions "on a whim." If you know me, and you have read this far, you should be asking yourself what I could have possibly learned to get me to leave the church. I left because of the overwhelming evidence that what Joseph Smith said, did, and taught was either a) taken from something else around him, b) made up entirely or c) done to maintain his own position and authority. I left because the history of the church has been hidden and lied about. I left because the church protects child abusers and creates more trauma for the victims. I left because the church holds hundreds of billions of dollars in investments but balks at helping members in need. I left because the positives of membership in the church don't outweigh the negatives. I left because it isn't worth the pain, the effort, the energy, and the sacrifice to stay.

Some days I still wish I could go back. I love the people, and no one does instant community like the Mormon church. But then I think of how much happier, content, and at peace I am, and I know I can't go back. I wouldn't fit in any more, and I have no desire to try to. I'm learning to create a new community, one that is more authentic and based on something more than a similar belief in doctrine. Leaving the church has also propelled me to get into therapy, and the combination has turned out to be life-changing for me. I love myself. I love life. I love making the most of every day and every moment. I don't know what will come after this life (if anything) but I'm good with not knowing. I am embracing the possibilities.

A "New" Me

2023-11-28T07:36:00.000-05:00

I am changing and becoming a "new" person. Or, more accurately, I would say that I am awakening to who I really am and was all along. My core values haven't changed, but I have. I am allowing my true self to take center stage as I follow my heart, soul, intuition, and intellect. I feel like I have been set free from the straight-jacket of rules, expectations, sacrifices, and demands of high-demand religion.

Sadly, this also means that the people around me have to get to know and adjust to this version of me. I feel bad, in a way, because I thought I was being authentic and I want to keep being what they have come to know and expect of me. But the effort of fighting to suppress my true self is not worth it. The benefits I received (some real, some that I only convinced myself of) just don't compare to what I am experiencing now. So I have to apologize. Not for growing and evolving, but for wearing so many layers of masks, for trying so hard to be what a church thought I should be, for burying my self in order to serve others, and for not even being capable of deeper connection because I was too busy trying to fit into an eternal ideal of perfection.

I learned from a young age to suppress my energy, enthusiasm, and personal desires. It was more important to be "reverent," selfless, and obedient. I had to fight against the "natural man" within me, and overcome my "sinful" tendencies. Act sweet, rely on prayer for everything you need, listen to old white men who have all the answers, leave all your questions on a shelf and hope that God will give the answers in eternity, and if you are depressed or anxious, just read your scriptures and read General Conference talks and pray even harder, because obviously there's something lacking within YOU. It didn't sound so bad when I was neck-deep in the indoctrination. In fact, it brought some "comfort" to feel like there was some divine formula for receiving the blessings I wanted ("And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated." D&C 130:21.) That meant that if I could just crack the code, I should be given those blessings, right? And if they never came, well, it must be the will of God, or maybe I'll just receive them in the next life. That's a great way to get people to keep striving for an ideal, while making them question what they are doing wrong to not be receiving certain blessings. So I put my all into being obedient. I pushed myself to do all the things, in a valiant effort to make up for my past sins, to "qualify" for blessings and eternal life, and to make sure I helped my family to do the same, so they could be in the celestial kingdom with me. I convinced myself that the heaviness, depression, and anxiety I felt were just personal flaws, or trials and challenges I had to endure. I learned to put a smile on my face, "put my shoulder to the wheel," ignore my own thoughts, feelings, and needs, and build a facade of competency and happiness.

I wasn't alone in this. I have met many other women who are also awakening, and realizing that the church's formula for "happiness" is actually toxic to mental health. The number one benefit for them in leaving the church has been an improvement in their mental health. I also know of many, many women who suffer from depression, anxiety, discouragement, low self-esteem, and unhappiness inside the LDS church. It's astounding and sickening when you step back and look at the bigger picture. I advocated for the LDS church for 50 years of my life, and I regret it. Now I want to spread the word about how unhealthy many of its dynamics and teachings are. I'd love to shout what I've learned about the church from the rooftops. But I won't. Because I love the Mormon people. The people at the local levels are not the ones creating these doctrines and practices. They are victims of a long history of deception and control. I also don't want to thrust someone else unwillingly and unwittingly into a faith crisis, even when I think it would ultimately be what's best for them. Besides, I know what it's like to be on the inside and to hear things like what I'm saying. I know how easy it is to dismiss or ignore it, to chalk it up to me apostatizing, or to think that I've been poisoned by "anti" stuff. When you're in, you literally cannot see it. (And that's okay. If members find some happiness or contentment in it, and it's right for them, they should stick with it.)

There's so much that has gone into my faith deconstruction. So much information that has come to light. So much pain from betrayal. So much dismay at the realization that I had been programmed and conditioned to fit into a mold that I was never meant to be in. The LDS church provided me with structure, certainty, and growth for many years, and for that I am thankful. In some ways, I wish I could have ignored what I've learned and just stuck with it, even if just for the community. But I can't. I can't unsee the "wizard" behind the curtain. And honestly, I wouldn't trade where I am for anything that the church promises to provide.

So, yeah, I'm becoming a "new" person. I'm becoming ME. And I love who I am for the first time in my life. I love who and what I am. I am enjoying getting to know myself, learning to connect with my feelings, and becoming whole again. Some friends and family will adjust, some will fade away, and some probably don't care one way or the other. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with me, and that's what matters.

I Am

2023-10-08T18:30:00.002-04:00

I Am

Who am I?

I am infinitesimal and I am infinite.

I am strong and I am weak.

I am mortal and I am Divine.

I am perfect and I am flawed.

I am broken and I am whole.

I am unique and I am ordinary.

I am everything and I am nothing.

I am loved and I am hated.

I am kind and I am cruel.

I am a contradiction and I am consistent.

I am so much more than my physical body or the thoughts in my head.

I am more than my past or my future.

I am now.

I am.

Faith Transition: A Lonely Experience

2023-09-13T11:08:00.001-04:00

Having your religious foundation crumble and entering a faith crisis/transition can be one of the loneliest experiences in a person's life. This is especially true for those who have been an active member of a high demand religion, where much of your life and identity is wrapped up in the religion, and where your "community" of family and friends may be mostly (or even entirely) within that religious tradition. You not only lose the feelings of security and surety that your former religious beliefs brought, but may also lose the closeness of relationships that were intertwined with the church. In worst-case scenarios, you may lose your actual family and friends because you no longer share their beliefs or fit in with their community.

I am in a support group for persons going through faith transitions, as well as a member of some similar groups on Facebook, and listening to (or reading) so many personal experiences of being rejected or shunned by family and friends, I count myself extremely lucky. I don't think most church members realize how scary and stressful it is for most people in a faith crisis/transition to come out to family and friends about it. Although there are no explicit rules in the LDS faith to shun or reject those who leave, the message has somehow gotten through that membership in the church and belief in its doctrine is required in order to be a good spouse, family member, or friend. Even those who try hard not to let a family or friend's change in beliefs affect the relationship still often end up acting differently toward them. At best, they might just create a bit of distance emotionally or not have the ability/desire to ask and listen to their family/friend's experiences. Sadly, it's often much worse. I've heard of people whose families have vacations with all members of their family except theirs, just because they are no longer associated with the church. Others have told of how their families actively avoid letting their children play with their cousins, because they might be a bad influence on them. One of the most painful things I keep hearing is of spouses who are counseled by church leaders to leave their spouse because of the change in religious beliefs, or the inability to remain in a marriage with differing beliefs. I've also seen and heard of many women who question everything about their marriage because they were taught to look for "righteous priesthood holders" but not taught to look for emotional, intellectual, or sexual compatibility. Leaving the church is a lot more than just no longer believing or attending. It all too often comes at major costs to the one leaving, and can make you question every aspect of your life, because the church is generally enmeshed in almost every aspect.

I have been exceptionally lucky (some might say blessed) that I have not experienced much of this rejection. Granted, I haven't made it totally clear to many of my friends and church community that my beliefs have changed so drastically, and if I ever do, I can see some people dropping me like a hot potato. I have others who I *think* would still accept me and recognize that I'm still the same person I always was at my core, but there's always that nagging doubt about how close the relationship could really remain if I don't share something that affects nearly every aspect of their life. I already feel the loss of "community" that comes from just being together with the same people week after week. But, thankfully, most of the people that I'm closest to are in the same position as me. My sister, mom, husband, daughter, son-in-law and one close friend have all left the church within the past 2-3 years. I want to make it clear that none of these family members or friends ever tried to influence me or even share things that might have made me question my faith. The LDS church itself is what precipitated my faith crisis.

I am so grateful that I have enough people I can talk to openly, who understand what the transition is like, and who can empathize with me. I can be accepted for who I am with them, and it's not dependent in the least on whether or not I attend church, have certain beliefs, live a certain lifestyle, or fit in with their idea of what a "good" person should be like. I can't tell you how freeing that is. To no longer feel the need to live up to a whole bunch of man-made expectations of how I should live my life, to no longer feel the need to "fit in" (which isn't belonging!) and to no longer feel the need to look or act a certain way because of the worry of judgment or shaming is glorious.

I know there will be some who say that no one is actually required to be a certain way in the LDS religion, but I can tell you from experience that it takes one heck of a strong person, who is completely self-differentiated, self-confident, or just oblivious to be themselves and not fit the mold (or they end up on the fringes or being known as "that sister/brother.") I've lived on both coasts and in the south and north, in at least 10 different wards, and in none of those did I ever feel that people were free to fully embrace who they were. I did have feelings of fitting in and even belonging, but there was always an undercurrent of expectation that I needed to do the "right" things in order to receive that. (There were those rare souls who did provide moments of true belonging, but that wasn't the norm.) This isn't meant as a criticism against the many, many wonderful Mormons I've known and loved over the years. I fully understand why it is the way it is. And most don't even realize the extent of the implicit rules that permeate their belief. I lived it for almost 50 years, and was one of those who was "all in," so I get it. What's hard is that I can understand where members are coming from (and even sympathize with them), because I was so recently there with them, but they will never be able to understand where I am coming from unless/until they are on the outside looking in also. That by itself makes this a lonely place to be.

And yet, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Making My Own Mistakes

2023-08-30T17:02:00.000-04:00

It's really interesting to look back at my life from the vantage point of being 50 years old and having lost belief in the LDS church. So many things that I took as "normal" were unhealthy at best and downright abusive at worst. I am coming to see and understand life, choices, agency, and freedom in whole new ways. I have a specific insight I want to share, but it requires quite a bit of background for anyone to understand why it is such an epiphany to me.

In the LDS church I was taught that I was supposed to give my will to God, to let Him "prevail" in my life. It was expected that I would lose myself in service to others, to give my time and talents, and to do everything I was asked to do by the leaders. This worked well for many years because I didn't trust myself. I had learned from a young age that anything I did that didn't line up with the church's idea of "right" should make me feel guilty and ashamed, and the more things I did "wrong," the less I could trust myself.

When I got pregnant at 16, it was made perfectly clear to me that I was "bad" for making such a heinous mistake, not that I was a teenage girl in desperate need of positive male attention and affection (something I was never going to receive at home.) When I was forced to give my baby up for adoption (because that was the only "right" thing to do as an unwed mother in the LDS church), I experienced a pain so excruciating that it cut me to my core, and I wanted to avoid anything else that would possibly result in pain like that again. In my teenage brain, I equated my sins (sex before marriage and unwed pregnancy) with the pain, so the best way to avoid that pain was to avoid sins. I gave my "will" to "God" (in the form of the LDS church) and tried hard to repent and get on the "right" path. I didn't trust myself to make good decisions after this, so I turned to prophets, bishops, Relief Society lessons, and religion to give me the rules and guidelines that I "needed" in order to find some peace. What this actually did was create even more expectations that I couldn't live up to, especially without loving support. Now, I was not only a teenager in need of real love, but also a horribly wounded and scarred young woman, whose needs for acceptance, understanding, and affection were still not being met.

My home life was such that I was willing to do almost anything to escape, but I hadn't been prepared for anything but marriage and having children. I ended up marrying the father of my first child, which compounded many mistakes but did work to get me out of my family home. I ended up halfway across the country, with only my new husband as support. Unfortunately, this relationship was physically abusive, and after being held to the ground by my neck, I realized I had to get out. I wasn't thinking about God or commandments or what was "right." All I wanted was safety and love. That's when I met David, and regardless of the morality of it, he was willing to let me move in with him, and promised to love me. We had some common beliefs, since he had been raised with some LDS beliefs, and that was enough for me. (It's a testament to our perseverance and love for each other that we are still together 30 years later!) When local church leadership learned of my situation, the bishop came over and tried to convince me to move back with my abusive husband. David was strong enough to stand up to them and protect me, and I clung to the first person who had showed any interest in keeping me safe and making me feel loved.

We were not active in the church for a few years after this, and were busy struggling to make ends meet. David was antagonistic towards the church, and when missionaries would come to the door he was not welcoming. I didn't have any bad feelings towards the church, but wasn't going to make any effort to go back either. When we moved to Virginia, we got active in the church again because David really wanted us to be sealed so we could be together forever, and I wanted to do what was "right" for our daughter. I was determined to make sure she didn't make the same mistakes I did, because I never wanted her to feel the pain I had experienced growing up or giving a child up for adoption. Again, I didn't trust myself to be a good mom without help, so I turned to the only place I knew- the LDS church. Eventually I learned to do all the things I was supposed to: attend church every Sunday, pay tithing, read scriptures, serve in callings, teach my daughter the gospel, have family home evening, keep the word of wisdom, dress the way I should, talk and pray the way they said I should, follow all the rules. I really believed this was the true way to happiness, and I was "all in."

I soaked up messages from general conference, bought church books to supplement my gospel study, faithfully studied my scriptures and tried to understand the deeper meanings in them. When I had questions or problems, I took them first to God in prayer, then consulted church teachings, scriptures, and advice from other members. I "knew" I didn't have the knowledge, intuition, or experience to make my own choices without input from other more "wise" sources. I relied on my belief that the LDS church was the "only true church," and that the leaders had direct contact with Jesus Christ, that they had discernment and real inspiration, and could tell us all we needed to know to live happily in these "latter days."

There were a lot of good things that came from my time in the church. There were classes that taught us about service, finances, relationships, and love. There were so many truly good people who helped us become better parents, spouses, and people. I will never deny that the LDS church had a beneficial impact on my life.

But... the church also encouraged me to abdicate my own sense of self and my ability to make my own choices without second-guessing, anxiety, or serious regret (regret that I didn't make the "best" choice, not regret over the choice in general.) They have all the answers for life's main questions, as well as the answers to everything else you might encounter. Just do what they say, and all will be well, in this life or the next. And if you follow all their rules plus pay tithing, they'll even guarantee that you can be with your family forever. There was no need for me to even consider how some of their teachings might be harming myself or my family, no need to think about what God actually wants for me. Yes, I was supposed to get all the education and learning I could, but only if it supported their teachings.

I won't go over the many ways that the LDS church fits the profile of a high-demand religion, and the harm those kinds of institutions cause, but I have learned that I need to re-evaluate most of what I've been taught, and see things through a new lens. One of the most empowering things I've realized is that God doesn't want me to give Him my "will." Nor does He want to directly influence my every decision. He doesn't want an earth full of helpless "children" who need constant guidance and strict rules to make them be good. He knows exactly what it is like for us to have a human experience, and He knows that the best way for any human to learn is by making choices, making mistakes, messing up, failing, and trying again. I'm pretty sure God is aware that a growth mindset is the best gift we can give our children, and one of the most useful tools we ourselves can have. A growth mindset is knowing that it's okay to make mistakes, that success requires many tries, and that the "why" of what you're doing is far more important than the "how" when it comes to moral decisions. Research is showing that being punitive or focusing on behavior or results creates fear, resentment, and outward compliance, but it does not inspire or build core values that act as a general guide in life. I can't believe in a God who uses tactics that are known to be ineffective or even harmful. I have to believe that He is using the methods that are most likely to help us follow His commandments and be happy in this life. The less-than-effective methods pushed on us by religion are man-made.

God is not petty enough to require me to give up my human self in order to stay strictly within His guidelines. Yes, God gave commandments, and expects us to obey them, but He never put a bunch of unnecessary restrictions on us. Churches and religions have done that. God is also not into perfection for us humans. None of us will accomplish that, and I don't believe God even wants us to try. That ends up being a distraction and a detour from the real goal: learning and growing.

The more free we are to make our own choices and to be true to our core self, the more naturally we will follow God's commandments, because no one who is psychologically healthy and accountable naturally wants to hurt others, and the commandments really do boil down to not hurting others. That's why Jesus distilled them down to "love God" and "love others." Making wrong choices is not sinning. Making choices that inadvertently hurt us or others is also not sinning. The only sin is intentionally hurting or causing harm to others, and if we have sincere remorse or regret, that is the requisite repentance. It really is that simple. Humans are the only ones who feel the need to complicate it, and much of that has come from men who want to control others. I can't fault those who have created religions and rules, because humans like certainty and feeling like they are in control of their own destiny. But I no longer need to seek guidance from them. I will look within and consult my own conscience and intuition, and look upward to God for knowledge or wisdom, but I'm done looking to humans, because they are just as fallible and prone to making mistakes as I am. And if I'm going to make mistakes, I think they should be my own.

What Was I Made For?

2023-08-09T11:06:00.000-04:00

I've seen the Barbie movie twice already. Both times have left me emotional because so much of me relates to its messages. For all the times I've been taught to look for deeper meaning in the things around me, I'm thankful that it has helped me to grasp some of the depth portrayed in this movie. There have been many wonderful commentaries on the movie and its messages, so I'm not going to go into that. Instead, I'm going to share why one song from the movie is so touching to me.

I keep listening to the song “What was I made for?” from the Barbie movie. It resonates so deeply with me, and hits me on multiple levels. The most powerful is the thought that I really don’t even know who I am or what I was made for. I always thought I had to be something for everyone else: wife, mother, friend, daughter, church member, Christian, etc. and now I’m realizing that none of those are who I am. To fit into each of those roles I’ve had to squeeze myself into tiny boxes that forced me into an unnatural shape and kept me tightly contained. I had to shut down and deny parts of myself in order to be what everyone else expected or needed me to be. I couldn’t be angry, assertive, loud, or outspoken. I had to stay small, quiet, agreeable, and “nice.” The line, “I don’t know how to feel, but someday, I might” hits like a ton of bricks. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t even know HOW to feel most of the time. It’s such a heavy and foreign process for me to learn how to feel again. I have to stop and think about where I feel my emotions in my body, to give them a name and acknowledge them. For so much of my life I’ve had to ignore, push away, and dissociate from my emotions that now I’m entering a whole new world that is alien to me. I feel more alive, even with so much more sadness, grief, and anger. I wasn’t wrong to have “negative” emotions- I was just human.

Another line says, “Looked so alive, turns out I’m not real; Just something you paid for; What was I made for?” This makes me think of how the church groomed me to be something fake: girls are expected to be nice, sweet, innocent, happy, willing to sacrifice themselves. Put on a smile and serve others. Look the part of the happy Mormon girl. That was unhealthy and unreal. I could be all of those things, but those weren’t all I was or all I should have been. There were also the parts of me that needed to be heard, seen, and understood. There were parts that were angry, rebellious, sassy, and even mean sometimes. By denying those parts, I left half of myself behind. My whole self is a mix of all of the emotions, all of which are valid and necessary to a complete human experience. Then I was made to feel that I was never going to be “good enough” or worthy on my own. I needed a Savior to “pay” for me. And if I needed to be bought, what was I made for? Was I only here to worship my Savior? Was I only supposed to be a wife and mother? Was I supposed to be a plaything for the men in my life? An ornamental feature to make someone else’s life more pleasant? A useful member of the church and society? I wasn’t encouraged to get more schooling, to pursue a career, or even to have a solid sense of self before getting into a marriage. As a teenager I couldn’t live up to the purity culture, moral standards, or my need for physical affection (a poor substitute for the affection I was missing at home), and so I became broken, dirty, a sinner in the church’s eyes. I had to be paid for over and over and over. I could never belong to myself or acknowledge my value without being made to feel that I was a heretic, a sinner, an apostate. I accepted their label of "bad" and tried to change to fit their definition of "good." With each sin or transgression I put myself up for sale, trying to get Jesus to pay enough to save me from myself, hoping that His grace could make me worthy of love and acceptance. My salvation was being brokered through a church whose demands were far more than Jesus ever asked of me, whose ready-made answers to each of life's major questions told me what they thought I was made for, but they forgot to mention that my purpose was to love, to be loved, to experience being a whole human, and to connect with others.

At the end of the song it says, “Think I forgot how to be happy; Something I’m not, but something I can be; Something I wait for; Something I’m made for.” Now that I’m reconnecting with the parts of myself that have been buried and ignored for decades, I’m not so happy any more. I can’t just dissociate and pretend that my past trauma didn’t happen, that it’s not still affecting me today. I could easily sing along to the start of the song, “I used to float, now I just fall down; I used to know but I’m not sure now.” I’m not as cheerful and smiley as I used to be. I'm not floating above myself any more. I have so much more grief and sorrow now. I thought I had all the answers, but when my belief system crumbled, I awoke to how little I really do know. There’s plenty that I believe, but I can no longer summon the arrogance to say that I know much of anything outside of myself (and even much of that is ambiguous.) I’m learning to be comfortable with the unknown, to embrace the mystery and the uncertainty of life. I have hope that someday I will be able to be happy again, but in a more authentic and healthy way. After all, I think that THAT is what I was made for. I was made to be happy, to be filled with love and light and energy. Beyond that, I’m still not sure who I am, but I’m working to figure it out. And for now I’m just learning to be in the moment, to be alive and to feel. To be human.

The Word of Wisdom: Not a Commandment

2023-04-25T09:35:00.002-04:00

It's funny how long a person can go along with what they *think* is "true" doctrine, until one crack enters their neatly ordered world, and suddenly they start to look at all of the things they've been taught with new, more critical eyes. Such has been my journey as of late. I am learning so many things that I was unaware of before, and with that new knowledge comes new discernment. I can no longer just accept "doctrine" at face value, because so much of what I've heard has been edited, whitewashed, or even fudged to the point that the original intent/meaning has been lost or was never really there. I'm very slowly figuring out which doctrines are really true to me, and part of that discovery process is digging deep into some of my long-held beliefs about the things I've been taught. I hope to do a series of posts on the conclusions I come to as I continue to explore, differentiate, and adapt to what I learn.

My first post is on the Word of Wisdom.

The Word of Wisdom was given as a “revelation” for the temporal salvation of saints, not as a commandment or by constraint (or restriction.) It is “adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest,” so that those who are prone to addictions can avoid them. It prohibits the consumption of wine or strong drinks, but then plainly states that mild drinks made from barley (which would have been assumed to be beer at the time it was written) are ordained for the use of man. It also prohibits the use of tobacco in any form, which scientifically has proven to be very good advice. It’s teachings on the reliance on fruits, vegetables, and grains and minimal consumption of meat is also scientifically valid. The use of “hot drinks” may be wise in that it avoids the possibility of addiction to coffee and/or tea (as well as the amount of money that can be saved by not buying such), but there doesn’t appear to be a consensus from research as to whether or not coffee is healthy, while tea does show some benefits. Beer seems to be the major exception to the prohibition against drinking alcohol as the Word of Wisdom is written. I also don’t see why the use of coffee, tea, wine, strong drinks, or even tobacco would disqualify anyone from entering the temple, since this advice, as written, was never meant to be a binding principle to separate people according to their health habits. Jesus never turned away people with health issues, nor does the LDS church deny entrance to the temple to people who are unhealthy because they eat too much meat or too few fruits and vegetables. My thought on this? Teach the people good principles, but then set them free to make their own choices, without placing additional burdens on them.

I feel that the Word of Wisdom is certainly wise advice, and those who follow it closely generally do enjoy greater health and strength, but it needs to be bumped down to just advice, not a constraint on people’s choices. I know that avoiding coffee, tea, tobacco, and alcohol has been one way members distinguish themselves, but I think it would be more beneficial to be set apart by how they act and how they love, rather than by what they don’t drink or use. As Jesus said in Mark 7: 18-22, “… ‘Then are you also without understanding? Do you not see that whatever goes into a person from outside cannot defile him, since it enters not his heart but his stomach, and is expelled?’ (Thus he declared all foods clean.) And he said, ‘What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness.’”

I am in the midst of deciding for myself what parts of the Word of Wisdom I still feel the desire or need to follow, and which I can set aside as the advice it was meant to be. I appreciate that this particular teaching gave me the incentive to quit smoking, and I know I have been healthier by following this health law. But I also recognize that many people have been denied access to the LDS church's highest saving ordinances because of addictions or practices that are not an indication of their morality or dedication to Christ. The use of coffee, tea, alcohol, or tobacco are fairly normal and common practices that have no bearing on eternal salvation (if they did, most of the early leaders and members of the LDS church would not have been allowed to join, much less enter the temples.)

It's Time for a Real Apology and Accountability from the First Presidency, and Complete Transparency in the Church's Finances

2023-02-26T17:46:00.000-05:00

I'm sure a lot of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are either unaware of the recent SEC action against the church, or read the church's official statement that downplays it and makes it sound like a simple error in filing paperwork and just went on with their lives. I kind of wish I had done that, instead of digging deeper. If you want to hold onto the perception that the church leaders are righteous, kindly old men who are constantly following revelation, don't read past this, because what they've done is just plain wrong.

First, the background: the church created Ensign Peak to manage the church's investments. Ensign Peak is a non-profit, does not charge the church management fees, and has no shareholders or members. When it was started, Ensign Peak managed approximately $7 billion of church assets. (Yes, all of the numbers we are talking about are BILLIONS, with a B.) Ensign Peak was required to file Forms 13F to report the fair market value of the securities it manages. The church realized that if that happened, their financials would become public knowledge, which they felt would "lead to negative consequences." To avoid this, the church created a trust and an LLC to file the 13F forms. This was the first shell corporation, with an address in California (to avoid any association with the church in Utah.)

The illegality of this setup started here. Ensign Peak was required to give investment discretion to the investment managers of the LLC, but didn't. They maintained complete control. By 2005, the church realized that this first LLC could be linked back to them because the person signing the 13F was a church employee. To fix this, the leadership of the church approved the creation of another LLC, with “better care being taken to ensure that neither the ‘Street’ nor the media [could] connect the new entity to Ensign Peak.” (Keep in mind that at this point the internet was becoming a common source of information, so they would have to try harder to hide things.) By 2011, the portfolio was large enough that it might "attract unwanted attention," so Ensign Peak, with approval from the church's senior leadership, created 5 new clone LLCs. In 2015, a third party connected the holdings of these clone LLCs to Ensign Peak (which would also link them to the church.) The senior leadership of the Church approved Ensign Peak’s recommendation to “gradually and carefully adapt Ensign Peak’s corporate structure to strengthen the portfolio’s confidentiality” by creating 6 additional clone LLCs. Ensign Peak (which is controlled by the church) had complete authority over all of these LLCs, but was designated as a client of the shell companies.

Each LLC was assigned a "business manager" who actually worked for Ensign Peak, and each of these managers was supposed to have responsibility for the preparation and filing of governmental reports and such. In reality, the only duty they had was to sign the signature page on the 13F forms. These "business managers" were selected not because of their education, experience, or ability, but because they "had common names and a limited presence on social media, and were therefore less likely to be publicly connected to Ensign Peak or the Church." Every clone LLC had an address outside of Utah, again to make it more difficult to trace it back to Ensign Peak or the church. Ensign Peaks' senior management drafted and even filed the 13F Forms before even getting the "business manager's" signatures! Every one of these 13F forms falsely stated that each LLC had sole investment discretion and that there were no other managers for those securities. Ensign Peak only gave the "business managers" the signature page and not the complete documents, so the "business managers" really had no idea what was going on with the investments.

At least once a year, Ensign Peak's managing director met with the church's senior leadership to discuss their activities, including the LLC structure. In 2014 and 2017 the Church Auditing Department reviewed the LLC structure and highlighted the risk that the SEC might not agree with their approach, although they didn't give any advice on specific changes. In 2018, a website reported that entities affiliated with the church were connected with some of the LLCs. When this information came out, 2 "business managers" resigned and voiced concerns about what they had been asked to do. (This may be referring to David Nielsen, a former Ensign Peak employee, who filed a whistleblower case with the IRS, and who spoke out because Ensign Peak had $100 billion worth of holdings that it was not using for charitable purposes.) In February 2020, Ensign Peak finally filed a consolidated Form 13F for securities valued at $37 billion.

Almost all of this information comes straight from the SEC's Order, which you can read in its entirety here. From what I understand, the church (leaders and legal department) would have had input into and agreement with what was included. That makes their official statement (found here) a bit disingenuous. In their statement, they not only avoid taking responsibility, but downplay it to make it sound like it was a clerical error for not filing the right government form. They then shut the door on any discussion by saying the matter is now closed. I beg to differ.

Major Issues I have with this:

1) There was blatant dishonesty in the intent to hide the church's assets.

2) The fact that they wanted to hide the assets at all is problematic. There is not one single reason they could give that would be good enough to explain why they wanted to hide their wealth. They should be transparent with their tithe-paying members and the world at large about how much they have and what they are doing with it. Those are basic financials that most people would want to see before donating to any charitable organization (and that the majority freely provide.)

3) They not only worked to hide the assets, but did it in such sneaky, deceptive ways. They involved multiple "managers" who were chosen specifically because they had common names and limited social media presence, to make it even less likely that these "clone LLCs" would be tied back to the church.

4) At every step, the highest church leaders were complicit. Nothing was done without their approval and direction. This is what happens when three men are given so much control over one of the biggest financial empires in the world. There was no real oversight, no accountability, and no transparency.

5) The church's own auditing department highlighted the risk of using such sneaky practices in 2014 and 2017, but they didn't end the practices. They continued to have the church auditing department make the worthless claim in general conferences that "Based upon audits performed, the Church Auditing Department is of the opinion that, in all material respects, contributions received, expenditures made, and assets of the Church for the year 2014 [2017] have been recorded and administered in accordance with approved Church budgets, policies, and accounting practices. The Church follows the practices taught to its members of living within a budget, avoiding debt, and saving against a time of need."

This obscure and standardized statement doesn't actually tell the members how any of the tithes are being used, and there is not enough transparency for anyone to know if what they are saying is true or not. They just stand up and read this same exact statement every year, as if that should be good enough.

6) I have to assume that most of the people involved in this still have current temple recommends, which begs the question... "how?" They were not being honest in their dealings with their fellow men, a question asked at every interview. People are kept out of the temple for not paying their tithing, but these men are still allowed in (and to dedicate the buildings!) even though they have not been honest in how they have dealt with their fellow men (members, the public, and the government.) Not to mention being complicit in requiring others to be dishonest in their dealings.

7) Why the hell is the church sitting on 37 BILLION dollars in the first place? (Keep in mind, that's not the total or overall wealth of the church- this is just the church's US investments!!) I understand living with a budget, avoiding debt, and saving against a time of need, but there's a difference between doing those things and sitting on a hoard of gold like Smaug in Lord of the Rings. I'm pretty sure the leaders aren't benefitting directly from the church's wealth, so I don't think that's an issue. But why aren't they using a lot more of this money to help the poor and needy? You know, the people JESUS was most worried about? They could easily spend at least 10% of their wealth (or even 10% of the interest on their wealth) every year and still have plenty to keep the church going forever. But they don't even do that much. They expect us to pay a full 10% AND serve in callings, and clean the buildings, and take care of each other while the church cuts back on things like helping ward members in need, building maintenance crews, janitors and ward budgets. And I don't want to hear lame excuses about needing to save for a "rainy day"- there have been lots of rainy days (floods, earthquakes, droughts, famines, a global pandemic, severe poverty, and other needs) that they could be helping with. I also think they need to follow their own teachings and have faith that they will have what they need when they need it. Just like they tell their members, who often struggle to pay tithing and still have money to put food on the table. Spend the money and have faith that the Lord will continue to provide!! We have become a rather elitist organization in the United States, one that wants members who can take care of themselves, dress nice on Sunday, pay their tithing, and not ask the hard questions. How is that welcoming to the people Jesus was most likely to be found ministering to and welcoming into His inner circle? I've had issues with this for awhile, but this scandal is really bringing it front and center.

8) This is a serious betrayal of trust. It isn't a little "mistake" that was made, and regret isn't good enough. For a breach of trust this serious, they should be apologizing for their very specific roles in this. They should a) promise that it will never happen again, b) tell us what measures they will put in place to ensure it doesn't and c) create complete transparency in the church's finances. What they have done is akin to a spouse who has cheated saying "I'm sorry a mistake was made," I quit doing it, so let's just forget about it. Trust has to be re-earned when there's such a deep betrayal, and that can't happen if they try to just sweep it under the rug (as they are akin to do with many unpleasantries.)

What's really sad is that I never had any issues with paying tithing to the church. I always saw it as giving back to God, and believed the church when they said “We take seriously the responsibility to care for the tithes and donations received from members. The vast majority of these funds are used immediately to meet the needs of the growing church including more meetinghouses, temples, education, humanitarian work and missionary efforts throughout the world. Over many years, a portion is methodically safeguarded through wise financial management and the building of a prudent reserve for the future." (https://www.deseret.com/utah/2019/12/17/21026182/mormon-lds-church-washington-post-whistleblower-irs-complaint-taxes-ensign-peak) (The vast majority, huh? I think they have a different definition of that phrase than I do.) Now, I feel like I would have to pay tithing if I want to go to the temple or continue attending BYU-Idaho, but my conscience says that it isn't right to entrust sacred funds to a church that really is acting a lot more like a corporation than a charity. I believe tithing is meant to provide for the needs of the church (everything they listed in the statement above) but it's also supposed to be for helping the poor and needy. When the church has enough to keep the day to day business of the organization going for hundreds of years with their stockpile of wealth, the focus should be shifted to alleviating the needs of those less fortunate than us. Jesus was far more concerned about the "least of these" than He was in building a rainy day fund.

Maybe the church leadership needs to be reminded about Jesus' thoughts on excessive wealth. Here are a few: “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal” (Matt. 6:19) “How hard is it for them that trust in riches to enter into the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God” (Mark 10:24–25) "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon." (Matthew 6:24) "There was a certain rich man, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day: And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores, And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man’s table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores. And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham’s bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried; And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom. And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame. But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented." (Luke 16:19-25)

I don't know how things are going to look for me moving forward with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I hate that a few men at the top have ruined many of the good feelings I had towards them and the church, especially since I believe most of the doctrine, I've experienced many wonderful spiritual experiences within it, and there are so many really good people in the pews each week. How do I stay in light of this (and other issues) without being untrue to my core values? How do I hold on to what is good and right but not ignore what is horribly wrong?

Inconspicuous Survivors are Inspirational

2022-09-08T13:47:00.001-04:00

I love stories about survivors, "overcomers," and underdogs who defied the odds. They make for really great books and movies, and I often find them inspiring and motivating. But then there's the flip side. I start comparing myself, wondering how that person was able to rise above their circumstances, and why I haven't been able to achieve even a fraction of their success. Does it mean that I'm somehow broken, inept, stupid, lazy, or lacking in determination? As much as I celebrated others who overcame their life circumstances, I couldn't help but think that because I hadn't done the same, I was a failure. And by worldly standards, that might be true.

Then I got to thinking... for every one story of a meteoric rise from the ashes, there are many thousands of untold stories of people who have experienced trauma that was so devastating to them that their success is just making it from one day to the next. They aren't the ones who set the world on fire or wow us with their brilliance. They are the quiet, unseen heroes who went through hell and decided they would not be the reason someone else endured what they did. Maybe they spent more time in the ashes, and rose slowly, like a an old man struggling to get up from his chair. Their story probably had more downs than ups, and their upward trajectory may look more like a volatile stock's performance than a linear rise. These survivors likely had no fortuitous intervention or solid ally who had their back. The real "overcomers" are the ones who never got a lucky break, but still show up- for work, for their families, for life. They might be loners unable to connect with other humans because of deep-seated trust issues, have stunted social skills caused by abuse or neglect, or they may stay in the background, afraid to attract attention. They will likely never have a book written about them, or achieve much worldly success, but they are conquerors who continue to withstand the pain and heartache of their past, but keep on going anyways.

I am, in my own small way, one of those invisible survivors. If I ever write my story, it may get twenty views on this blog, but it won't become a best-seller. And I'm okay with that. It's taken me many, many years to start to accept myself, and to believe that I have worth just by existing. I always felt the need to earn love and approval, and to prove that I deserve to be taking up space on this planet. Now I realize that it's okay to not measure up to the world's standards of success. Most of those (beauty, wealth, power, intellect, influence, lifestyle) are bullshit anyways. We don't come from the same circumstances, so why should we be judged on the same scale? For that matter, why should we be judged at all on those things? I'll spend my time focused on the things that matter... love, kindness, compassion, healing. By doing this, I'll naturally come in contact with other unnoticed heroes, and I hope that my eyes are open enough to see them, because they deserve to be recognized and acknowledged.

Sacrifices

2022-06-21T14:02:00.000-04:00

A sacrifice is "giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy." It is from the Latin root sacer, meaning holy. A sacrifice is is meant to be a holy act, a willingness to give up or set aside something as an act of devotion to God, to show Him that He is more important than whatever we are sacrificing.

I believe God honors sacrifices, even if what we are sacrificing isn't necessarily something He requires us to give up. For example, as a Latter-day Saint, I'm expected to sacrifice certain substances like coffee, tea, alcohol and tobacco. Do I think God will base my salvation on whether or not I abstain from these? No. But I do think that He honors the sacrifice, and He blesses my willingness to give up things that can harm my body or create physical (and even psychological) dependency.

I think that we can sacrifice anything in the name of God (with honest, heartfelt intent) and God will honor it. I could give up all red foods, or wearing pants, or shopping on Sundays, or TV, or anything else with the intent of drawing closer to God, and God will bless me for it, even if that sacrifice makes no sense to anyone else, or in relation to scripture, tradition, or culture. What matters to Him is that we are willing to give up things for Him. He wants us to prove to Him that we will give up something of value to us for something far more important: Him. I truly believe that God wants us to learn to give up things that are "good" for things that are "better," or even things that are perfect. He wants us to grasp the idea that there is nothing we can give up on this earth that won't be worth what He gives us in return. In fact, I think we sell ourselves short when we consider sacrifices to be a loss of something, because God doesn't go into the negative with His blessings.

So maybe I shouldn't say, "I don't drink coffee, tea, or alcohol because it's part of my religious belief." Maybe instead I should say, "I don't drink coffee, tea, or alcohol because God honors and blesses my sacrifice," because He has, and He will.

Mourning to move forward

2022-05-10T14:09:00.002-04:00

I am a generally optimistic and cheerful person. This can lead to the bad habit of pushing down negative emotions, and glossing over the unpleasant parts of my life. I'm also aware of my need to be more vulnerable and share what I think and feel. Lately, I've been recognizing that I've got a lot of losses that I am grieving, or need to grieve. Blogging and journaling are part of how I'm learning to sort out my feelings, so I can fully experience them in a healthy way, and not just ignore or deny them.

The past year has been a rollercoaster of blessings and losses. The loss of David's job in 2020 was not a big deal. We figured he'd find another job within a month or two, likely within driving distance or at least within the same state. When one month stretched to six, we were getting concerned about him getting a job offer. The only offer came from a job in Memphis, a place we had neither looked at nor considered at any point in the past or present. Moving to Memphis meant losing our farm, the culmination of a lifelong dream for both of us. That was disappointing. It meant moving far from family, friends, and community. That was heartbreaking. I have a close relationship with my daughter and grandchildren, and the thought of moving far from them was excruciating. To add to that, I was also facing a major relocation. Anyone who knows me knows that I like to put down roots and stay put. I don't adjust easily to relocation. It is a discouraging and exhausting struggle to try to make friends, find my place, and feel comfortable. Moving also meant losing my horses and chickens, all of whom I had come to love and whose companionship I enjoyed immensely.

Moving to Olive Branch, Mississippi (just south of Memphis) was an interesting transition. The area was easy to navigate, everything was close by, and we had a really warm welcome to our new church congregation. I couldn't believe how quickly I started to feel at home there. I missed my family, friends, animals, and the privacy and serenity of living out in the country, but I kept busy and found ways to enjoy my new area. I hadn't really even had time to stop and grieve those losses before life was thrown into turmoil again by another move. This time it wasn't hard to let go of the house, but leaving such a wonderful ward was painful. I had experienced such an outpouring of the Spirit in that congregation, and felt spiritually invigorated in a way I hadn't in years. There was such positivity, compassion, acceptance, and love among them. Testimony meetings were something I looked forward to, and felt inspired by. It was hard to leave that.

I love the area we moved to. It's beautiful, everything is close by, and there are plenty of parks and trails to enjoy. But I'm still mourning the feeling of being seen, known, and somewhat understood. I'm grieving the ability to drive 20 minutes down the road and spend time with my daughter and grandchildren a couple of times a week. I'm grieving the loss of easy meetups with my best friend. I feel the loss of purpose I had when taking care of our farm and animals and being a close and involved grandma. And I'm feeling something I haven't felt in quite awhile: lonely. I was so used to having my family and friends close by, that I rarely felt lonely before. Now I feel like just another invisible face in a crowd. It's hard not having friends or family close by. And this time I just don't have the same warm and fuzzy feelings in our new congregation. The people seem nice enough, it's just not as welcoming or as comfortable. I don't feel like anyone has any real interest in getting to know me, it's more like I'm welcomed because they need someone to fill a calling. I've always been able to bond with the sisters I served with before, so I'm hoping that will happen this time, too.

It's normal to grieve these kinds of losses, and I'm coming to terms with them. Some days are better than others. But I've felt like there's been something bubbling under the surface, a sense of unease and unhappiness I couldn't quite put my finger on. But yesterday, when out on a 5 mile hike by myself, I had an epiphany. I realized that one of the biggest losses in my life over the past few years is the loss of the husband I used to have. That sounds overly dramatic and negative, so let me explain. David has non-diabetic peripheral neuropathy, which produces a lot of pain in his feet. This makes it hard for him to walk long distances, and has led to a drastic reduction in his activity level. That has then led to a considerable weight gain, less energy, and discouragement for him. He can't help it, but he's not the man I married and have been used to for over 25 years. I miss having a husband who can join me on adventures, whether it's walking through a museum, hiking in a park, or even just window-shopping. I am saddened to think that from now on I will either have to do things solo, or find other people to join me. There's far less excitement about exploring new places and seeing new things because I don't have my best friend to share those things with. I am sad to lose the companionship I had always relied on, and to not be able to share what's important to me with the one person who is most important to me. I feel torn between wanting to follow my desires and feeling like I should stay at home watching tv with David because he can't do what he used to. As with most things, this isn't something we asked for, but it is what it is, and I have to accept what it is, mourn what I've lost, and move forward.

I don't know what the future holds, but I guess I'm going to learn how to adapt and adjust to my new reality, because I'd rather move forward than to be stuck in place. Besides, there are always brighter days and abundant blessings ahead.

Meet Me in the Middle

2022-04-30T13:29:00.001-04:00

I'm not fond of extremes, whether it's temperatures, politics, or religion. I've found that although I lean right or left on certain issues, mostly I find myself in the middle. I can usually understand perspectives on both ends of the spectrum, which helps me find common ground with both sides. I just don't feel a need to dig my feet in and defend any position to the death. I've learned that I can have strong beliefs, loosely held. That means that even when I do feel strongly about something, I can keep my mind open to the possibility that I may be wrong, or that I am not seeing the big picture. I can keep a space open within myself to listen to other perspectives, experiences, and beliefs. It's just as okay if I disagree with someone as it is if I agree with them, because I have no need to convince, sway, or force anyone else to see, think, or believe the same as I do.

That's not to say that it doesn't annoy me at times when hearing the extremes of either side of an issue. Here are a few that make me shake my head and wonder why people can't see that truth often lies in the middle of two stories, and that people can experience the same exact situation in vastly different ways and it doesn't mean one way is right and another is wrong. (And I realize this has simplified and non-comprehensive versions of beliefs. I'm just writing some of what I've heard and read lately from both sides.)

Critical Race Theory

On the right you've got lots of fear-mongering about the schools indoctrinating our children with the idea that our venerable Founding Fathers were evil slave-holders, and that history is being erased or re-written. There are fights to ban books, save old statues, and defend all of the good that has happened in this country while denying or minimizing the bad. On the left, you've got those who would have you believe that any good that has come from the founding of America has been wiped out by the evils of slavery and discrimination. It's politically incorrect to point out the virtues of the Founding Fathers, and there's an effort to only focus on their vices. There's a push to teach children that whites should feel guilty for what has happened to blacks, Native Americans, and other minority groups.

Both of these tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Is it so inconceivable to think that America is a great nation in spite of slavery and discrimination, that is was founded on just principles that haven't been fully realized yet, that the Founding Fathers were mostly good men, doing the best they could with the prevailing beliefs of their era, but that there are lingering effects from our troubled past, and not everyone has gotten to enjoy the same rights and freedom? I don't understand why both sides can't be taught to children and adults alike. There are ways to highlight the positives without denying the negatives, and ways to teach the atrocities without making it sound like those were the only events that happened or mattered. Both sides are legitimate, both sides are significant, and both sides can be studied, taught, and learned from. By denying either or both, we slow the progress that we need to be making to live up to the ideals of freedom and equality for all.

Abortion

Another hot topic is abortion. I am not pro or anti abortion. I really do understand and empathize with both sides. This is a subject that is often treated in black or white terms, but pregnancy, maternal health, and women's rights are complicated, without a "one size fits all" solution. I don't know all the "right" answers about abortion, but I believe that no woman should be forced to go through a pregnancy caused by rape or incest, nor should a woman be required to risk her life for a baby that has no chance of survival outside the womb, or for a pregnancy that is likely to cause her great harm or possible death. I understand that every life has value, and that a child conceived by force is not responsible for its conception, and that some women can go through that trauma and be okay. But... not all can. I just don't see how it can be okay to intentionally inflict psychological and even spiritual trauma on a woman for something she didn't do. On the other hand, I don't think abortion should be widely available and used as birth control. I think there should be a valid reason to get an abortion. I think abortion pills should be easily available, because they do nothing more than what many women's bodies do naturally through an early miscarriage, and I don't see it as much different than birth control. And speaking of birth control... if you want women to have fewer abortions, make birth control widely available and easily accessible. Teach young women about safe sex and options to prevent pregnancy. Those tactics have been proven to reduce the number of abortions. But for God's sake, no matter which side of this issue you sit on, remember that people on the other side are also humans, worthy of respect and civil treatment. No person has the right to condemn another for their beliefs in this world. Leave that up to God.

Religion

And since I brought up God... I am a rather unorthodox member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, whose beliefs run the gamut of Christianity and even some other religions. I am open to truth from many different sources, and don't feel the need to get on a soapbox and try to force my beliefs or my religion down anyone's throat. I think there's a place in the middle for all of the religious and even agnostic beliefs in this world, where we can all find common ground (with the exception sometimes of extremism.) I think most people believe in the golden rule, "treat others the way you want to be treated," and agree that criminal acts like murder, rape, and theft are wrong. So why are we creating so much contention and disunity over something that should be a positive influence?? I don't need someone to believe in the fine points of my religious beliefs for me to find common ground with them. You want to believe that your religion is the only way to Heaven? Great! Let's talk about what you think that requires, and how well you're living up to your own standards. You think religion is a man-made construct to repress men and women? No problem! I'd love to find out why you hold that belief, and can be curious rather than dismissive. How about the idea that organized religion is unnecessary or even harmful, and that personal spirituality and relationship with God is what really matters? Interesting! Tell me about your spiritual journey, and your relationship with God. I just don't understand why people think it's healthy or helpful to be so fixed in their beliefs that they feel the need to attack those who disagree or to force their beliefs (including behavioral standards) on others who don't share their beliefs. Freedom of religion is not only to allow everyone to believe and worship whatever and however they like, but also the freedom to not be forced to live someone else's religion.

Bring your beliefs and meet me in the middle, where we can discuss our thoughts, feelings, and perspectives with passion and openness, but also with respect and civility. We can agree to disagree and still be friends, neighbors, and fellow patriots. It's really not impossible, if we both want it.

Spring in Ohio

2022-04-30T12:04:00.004-04:00

My favorite season is spring. I love how the earth is re-awakening and coming back to life. I love the sense of renewal and hope it brings- just like the Savior's resurrection. It's a reminder that the dark, dreary, cold days of winter are past and that there is sunshine, beauty, and life to look forward to. Since I suffer with seasonal affective disorder, the advent of spring coincides with a lightening of my spirit, and a greater ability to enjoy life.

I find great joy in listening to the bird's songs, soaking in the sunshine, and feasting my eyes on the vast array of flowers, shrubs, and trees budding and blooming. I never tire of seeing the amazingly beautiful creations that God has placed on this earth. And I'm exceptionally blessed to live in Ohio, where there's never a shortage of such visual artistry.

One of my new favorite places to visit is the Cox Arboretum. I have made a point of visiting this park at least once a week for the past 5 or so weeks, to watch spring unfold and reveal itself bit by bit. I wish I was a poet or a songwriter, to eloquently express the awe I feel in spring. I use my camera instead, to try to capture the memories.

Here is some of what I've found from March 17th to April 28th

This shows the progression of the season at the Overlook

Next is the progression of spring from the Tower

And the tulip field

Can't forget the wildflowers. It's been fun to see different ones appearing each week.

Trilium

Violets

Wild geranium

Dandelions: weed or wildflower? All depends on how you think of them.

To me, they're cheery wildflowers.

Daffodils

And then there's just the random beauty

2022 is off to a good start!

2022-04-18T14:15:00.002-04:00

We have experienced so many blessings and miracles amidst all of the upheaval of the past year. It was hard going through six months of David being unemployed, with so much uncertainty about what the future would bring, but we never lacked anything that entire time, and his new job started right when the unemployment ran out. We know that was God taking care of us.

Being able to find the perfect situation for our horses was another blessing. I sold them to a young woman named Brittany who works at a therapeutic riding center. Max is used for lessons there (and loves it! He can never get enough attention, especially from children!) and Snoopy (who has been renamed Astro) is being used for one or two youth for 4-H (he prefers to have the stability of only one or two people riding him.)

Being moved to Mississippi made us better appreciate our time with family, and also made us realize how blessed we would be to live 3.5 hours away versus 13.

Another huge blessing was being able to buy a home in the Dayton area. The market is also crazy hot up here, and homes are selling fast, with multiple offers. We didn't know how we could compete (again) but when we walked through our house the first time, David and I looked at each other and said, "this is the one." It was an estate sale, with at least 5 people involved in the decision to sell, and they were being kind of choosy about it. The house had been on the market for over a month already because it had been overpriced. Our realtor told us what she thought was fair market value, put in an offer, negotiated, and even told the other realtor what a nice couple we were, and that we loved the house and would have grandkids visit us, etc. It worked! Some would say that it was a coincidence that our offer was accepted at that point, but I really believe this is the house we were meant to live in, and it was waiting for us. Heavenly Father has always taken care of us, even if we have had to wait until the last moment many times.

And David's job? It's the best he's had in many years! He gets along really well with all of his bosses and employees, old clients are happy to work with him again, his efforts are noticed and appreciated, and the benefits are better, too. He's currently putting in a lot of hours because they are understaffed, but they are working on hiring (isn't everyone?!) and he has hope that this office will continue to flourish.

I need a picture that shows how happy he really is, lol!

We now live less than two hours from his parents, so we were able to spend this last Saturday with them. This is another huge blessing, because his mom has had pancreatic cancer for over 5 years and isn't doing well.

We are both starting a new semester at school, we both have new callings at church already (he's first counselor in the Elder's Quorum, I'm second counselor in the Primary presidency) and we're ready to start exploring more of the area (I already have, but David needs some time off to join me!)

Cox Arboretum. Blessed to have this gorgeous park only 10 minutes from our house!

The Great Miami River Trail runs through Miamisburg, and will provide plenty of paved trail to ride bikes or take walks. This is a historical plaque on the trail.

The Miamisburg Mound. Really interesting ancient archeological site. It's a workout climbing the steps to the top, but you get a great view if you make it.

We can see the mound in the distance from our front window!

And another blessing- one of my cousins, who I hadn't seen since we were both children (she lives in Hawaii) splits her time between Hawaii and Hamilton now, so I've been able to meet up with her twice already. That's not something I had ever even considered happening, but it's been great!

More of 2021

2022-04-18T13:42:00.002-04:00

I should probably share the story of how we got a house in Olive Branch, MS. The real estate market there was insanely hot when we decided to move there. There were no apartments available in the area (waitlists were usually 2-6 months), rental houses were scarce, and homes for sale were gone within the first 1-2 days (usually with 15-20 offers on each one.) Needless to say, we were a bit worried about finding housing. Neither of us wanted to get stuck living in a hotel for months. David put a bid in on one house and it was easily beat out by bids going up to $15K over the asking price. We looked at many homes, but weren't having much luck. Then we looked at the one on Pigeon Roost Park Circle. It was nasty. The whole house was grimy and filthy, with stained carpet, dirty walls, and grease buildup on the stove. It was bad enough that David was tempted to walk right back out. But, knowing that cleaning is one of my talents, and seeing the potential, we put in an offer that included $5K over appraisal (up to a certain amount), and we got the house. Crazy to pay that much for a house in that condition, but desperate times call for desperate measures. When David did the final walk-through with our realtor, it was even filthier looking without the furnishings, and our realtor seriously thought we were going to back out of the deal! We don't scare that easily.

It took 2 solid weeks of cleaning (including scrubbing every inch of baseboards) to get rid of the grime. We got the grungy old carpet removed and new carpet installed, and then found a painter to paint the interior. We also found that they had never replaced the furnace air filters (for 4 years!!), done regular maintenance, or even trimmed the trees in the backyard. I spent a lot of time getting that house in shape, but once it was, it was really nice. And once the house was livable and we were over COVID, I was able to explore and enjoy the area.

It's hard to believe we only spent about 6 months there.

I have so many wonderful memories in such a short amount of time.

This is W.C. Johnson Park in Collierville, TN (not too far from where we lived.)

It had a beautiful boardwalk trail through the woods, swamp, and out to a creek.

This is Wall Doxey State Park in Holly Springs, MS.

It definitely had the look of a southern swamp in parts.

This is where the land drops off into the Mississippi Delta.

Pretty cool that you can see the delineation so clearly.

Did you know that Olive Branch, Mississippi is home to the nation's largest bonsai nursery?!

We were able to leisurely wander through their multiple greenhouses and see an incredible variety of bonsai, many of which were way out of my budget.

A famous landmark in Memphis is the Bass Pro Shops Pyramid. It actually has a hotel inside too.

Aimee brought Alley and Arlo for a visit in September, and we had a blast checking out every local park we could find (and there were many!) Arlo enjoyed the swings.

Arlo is such a happy boy!

I kept putting off hanging our pictures on the wall. First it was waiting for the house to be painted, then David and I got sick with COVID, then I just couldn't figure out how I wanted things placed on the walls. I think my hesitation was part premonition, because we weren't going to stay long enough to enjoy having our stuff on the walls. Not having anything on the walls made it easier to pack and prep the house for sale.

For awhile this mirror was just sitting on the floor in our bedroom, waiting to be hung.

Alley and Arlo thought that was a great place for it!

A visit to the Memphis Zoo was a must while Aimee and the grandkids were with us!

We were also lucky to have a drive-through Safari Park only 40 minutes away!

I was actually surprised at how quickly I acclimated to the Memphis area.(Anyone who knows me knows how unusual that is.) It felt comfortable. Our ward was amazing- the members were welcoming, and it was so spiritual. I always loved attending and listening to all of the incredible insights and spiritual experiences that were shared. Everyone I met was really nice, and the food scene was the best of any area I've lived since California! Sadly, David had an almost polar opposite experience. The other employees at his job made it clear that they didn't want a "Yankee" working with them, and made him feel very unwelcome. He dealt with it for months, but when a new regional manager was hired and joined in with the locals in badmouthing him, he was ready to leave. Then he got a large project that was requiring him to put in 14-18 hour days, 7 days a week, for 3 weeks straight. This happened to fall right when Aimee came to visit, so he didn't get to spend any real time with them. His new boss wouldn't allow him to take any time off, even though he wasn't necessary to the job itself after the first week and a half. There was no appreciation for the sacrifices he made or for his years of experience, knowledge, and ability. David was absolutely miserable.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving week. We weren't able to be with family, but Stephanie drove down (again!) to spend part of the week with us. David had gotten a call out of the blue from a former employer, wanting him to be the manager of their Cincinnati office. He was in negotiations with them the week before Thanksgiving, and he called me to let me know that he accepted their offer. I was so happy that I started crying, and poor Stephanie thought there was something seriously wrong. She was almost as happy as I was when she heard the news. David called Aimee and asked her what she wanted for Christmas and her reply was that she wanted us to move back to Ohio. He said, "Merry Christmas!" and told her the good news.

When David gave notice, that's when his new boss decided to try being nice to him and telling him how much they needed him. (He never did say he wanted him, though.) The higher level manager (the one who hired him, and was really nice) tried everything to get David to stay, including offering a $15,000 pay raise. Unfortunately, money really can't buy happiness, and can't make up for such ill treatment, so David put in his last two weeks and we started prepping to move back to Ohio.

Since we knew our time in the Memphis area would be short, we packed in as much touristy stuff as possible Thanksgiving week. We went to Graceland, the Civil Rights Museum, the Pink Palace Museum, the Memphis Fire Museum, Slave Haven Underground Railroad Museum, and the Christmas light displays at Southaven and Shelby Farms Parks.

I think our favorite stop was the Civil Rights Museum.

It was informative, touching, and really opened our eyes to some of the struggles

that we didn't fully comprehend before.

It's kind of funny that we went to Graceland, because neither of us are Elvis fans.

But we both love history and cool places, so we couldn't pass up the chance to see it

while we were there. It was interesting to learn about Elvis' history and to see his home.

The Memphis Fire Museum was not one we'd put at the top of our list, but it had an animated, talking horse head that explained part of the history, and that was cool. :)

Davies Plantation Manor was a great historic stop. It's not a busy, touristy type place, which was nice, because it ended up being just the two of us and our tour guide. It was interesting to hear about a plantation from the perspective of the owners.

I miss being only 45 minutes away from a temple!! I was able to attend the Memphis Temple twice, which was such a blessing (especially with everything being shut down so long for COVID.) The Memphis Temple is really beautiful inside.

I have always loved Christmas lights, and going to drive-through displays is one of my favorite holiday activities. Because we were packing up to move, showing our house for sale, and wouldn't be home for Christmas, we had no holiday decorations. It looked like the Grinch lived there. To make up for that, we went to the Southaven Park and Shelby Farms Park light displays. I highly recommend both!

Stephanie and I went to the Pink Palace Museum. It was built by the founder of the Piggly Wiggly grocery stores. Pretty cool!

We were very blessed that the housing market had continued to steadily gain in value, because we were able to sell our house for enough to cover the realtor's fees and get back what we put into it. Selling during the holidays limited the amount of interest the house got, but all it takes is one offer. :)

I drove up to Ohio and stayed overnight with David at his hotel, then we both drove out to spend a few days with Aimee, Alex, and the grandbabies. That was a wonderful respite for me, to be able to just relax and enjoy time with family. I had come down with what was thought to be an infected tooth right before heading back to Ohio, so I really needed the rest.

After the holidays, we drove back to the hotel, met Stephanie the next morning, and headed down to load up another Uhaul and move back "home." We were very grateful to have gotten a moving stipend so we were able to pay movers to load up the truck for us. We hit the road once it was loaded, and made it into Miamisburg around 10pm. More movers were able to unload the truck into a storage unit, and our cats and I moved into the hotel with David, where we would stay for weeks while we waited to close on our new home.

New Year's Eve I was sick again, this time with an infected salivary gland. So there was no celebration of the new year for us. Just antibiotics, early to bed, and the hope that we would continue to enjoy many blessings and adventures in 2022.

First Half of 2021

2022-04-18T11:58:00.004-04:00

So much happened in 2021 that I need to split it up into multiple posts (side note: I should really update this more than once a year!)

In 2021 we were still in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, and although masking and social distancing were still common practice, we slowly eased back into more "normal" aspects of life, like attending church in person and travelling. In our family, we had a lot of changes and transitions, some good, some painful. One of the biggest blessings was the addition of Arlo to our family in February. Because of COVID restrictions, Aimee was only allowed to have Alex in the hospital with her this time, but the birth went quickly and with no complications this time.

Aren't they just the cutest family ever?! :)

We had done a lot of work to the farm property to make it suitable for our horses, and having a new barn during winter was one of the best perks. It was great to have them in their stalls with heated water buckets, close to the house, during the worst of the winter weather. As the picture shows though, they also loved being out in the snow and cold!

In April my sister, niece, and nephew came out for a visit. This was huge! It was the first time they have visited us, and we made sure they had other firsts while they were here. We took our niece and nephew on their first horseback ride, and took them to a shooting range for their first time firing a gun. It was wonderful being able to spend time with some of my family.

The whole gang at Faith Ranch in Jewett, Ohio.

In May, David received a job offer from a company in Memphis, Tennessee. I wish I could say we were thrilled about that, since he had been out of work for six months, but we were all heartbroken at the idea of being so far apart, not to mention giving up our dream property and animals. I sold and gave away all of my chickens, and found a perfect home for Max & Snoopy. David got settled in at a hotel in the Memphis area towards the end of May, and I stayed behind to take care of selling the house and packing. Thankfully, David was able to come home many weekends between then and when we moved. He wasn't home for my birthday though, so Stephanie took me for a bike ride and dinner.

I miss my chickies!

Love going for bike rides with my bestie!

July 24th we loaded up a Uhaul and headed down to Olive Branch, Mississippi, our new home.

Pigeon Roost Park Circle... crazy name for an address, but it was a lovely small neighborhood,

close to everything.

I fell in love with the crepe myrtles, which are abundant in the Memphis area.

My cat, Pepper, trying to give me a heart attack. He's on a second story ledge here.

This gets us about halfway through 2021. Stay tuned for the sequel...

Conspiracies are Tearing the Fabric of Our Democracy

2022-04-18T09:51:00.003-04:00

I wanted to share some great quotes from a book I recently read that sum up what drives conspiracy theorists, and why this is becoming an increasing danger in our society: 

"'Conspiracism is a monological belief system. If you convincingly say this part isn't true, they come up with a bigger conspiracy that contains the smaller. They're going to do everything  they can to protect their worldview, even when they acknowledge your facts.' (Sander van der Linden) 
For some, it is mental illness, but dismissing all conspiracists as mentally ill would itself be a form of denial. Conspiracists act on an impulse common in all of us, historians of mass movements warn. They are... 'atomized, isolated individuals,' ripe for joining a movement that affords them fellowship with other souls 'obsessed by a desire to escape from reality because in their essential homelessness they can no longer bear its accidental, incomprehensible aspects.' (Hannah Arendt)

Conspiracists' dive into unreality often come after a shock or prolonged setback, the agitation of uncertainty prompting retreat from a confounding reality. Whether roiled by personal calamity or by large-scale events like 9/11, the pandemic or a mass shooting, they seek order amid frightening instability.

'When no clear, authoritative source of truth exists, when uncertainty rages, human nature will lead many people to seek a more stable reality by wrapping themselves in an ever-tighter cloak of political, religious, or racial identities. The more uncertainty rises, the more alluring that siren call become.' (J.M. Berger)

The more time people spend in this alternative world, the harder it is for them to leave. Turning back would prompt attacks by the group whose approval the conspiracist cherishes. Acknowledging error could bring shame at their gullibility and a reckoning with the pain they've inflicted. 

'When we give up on truth, we concede power to those with the wealth and charisma to create spectacle in its place.' (Timothy Snyder)" - Elizabeth Williamson in Sandy Hook: An American Tragedy and the Battle for Truth

And here's why this is important to understand:

"The struggle to defend objective truth against people who consciously choose to deny or distort it has become a fight to defend our society, and democracy itself.

The nature of conspiracy theorizing has changed, from relatively harmless speculation about the Bermuda Triangle or Bohemian Grove to sinister theories that place democratic governments at the center of dark plots to control, sicken, and murder their own citizens. These online accusations are now often invented and spread by demagogic leaders around the globe, who use social media platforms to undermine trust in the very institutions that keep the powerful in check- elections and the courts, competing branches of government, and objective journalism. These political opportunists play to constituencies willing to relinquish objective truth for attractive, fantastical Deep State schemes in which political opponents are pedophiles and satanists, and society's most vulnerable morph into villains deserving vigilante justice. 

Societal chasms between adherents to truth and consumers of fantasy are widening, aided by those who deliberately manipulate social media channels and discourse." -Elizabeth Williamson in Sandy Hook: An American Tragedy and the Battle for Truth

I have friends who have lamented that the opposing "facts" told by multiple sides, especially on social media, make it hard to know what to believe. I have other friends that have convinced themselves that they have much better "research skills" than everyone else, and that they "see" the "truth" when most of the people around them don't. The former can be reasoned with, and can "agree to disagree" politely, but the latter are unable to entertain any ideas that contradict their version of reality, and are already entertaining thoughts of violent uprisings to "take back their country." Sadly, I think we're seeing more and more people being sucked into the latter category, and it's being encouraged and promoted by people with significant influence. 

I'm worried about what will happen to our democracy (a fragile enough form of government already) if the foundations of truth, free elections, separation of powers, the court system, a free press, and freedom of religion and speech continue to be whittled away by those who seek the temporary gains of political power. The January 6th attack on the Capitol may only be the beginning of what is to come if this trend continues.

Trump and Truth

2021-01-29T16:38:00.004-05:00

One of the worst things Donald Trump did to our country was to undermine the trust of the American people in the free press and in the free and fair election system, both pillars of our democracy. At no time in our history has democracy been under such a tremendous strain because of the actions of one man.

I cannot make assumptions as to why Donald Trump lies so often, and if his lies were only about inconsequential matters, I wouldn’t really care (it’s assumed nowadays that politicians are about as trustworthy as used car salesmen anyways.) But his seemingly compulsive need to lie has done real damage to our country. Now many people don’t know who or what to trust in order to find the truth. To see the extent to which Trump carried out his strategies is scary. Sadly, it was also somewhat predictable. Looking at the tactics used to create such chaos, it would be hard for average citizens to not question reality at this point.

One of the best tools for manipulating people’s sense of reality is gaslighting. As stated in Psychology Today, “Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn't realize how much they've been brainwashed.” This is an important piece of the story of how one man is able to distort the truth to the point that a person literally wonders if they are crazy, or despairs of ever finding out truths again.

Let’s see how many of the gaslighting tactics Trump used on a regular basis:

First tactic: Tell blatant lies. There are many, many instances where Trump was caught in blatant lies. The only people who deny those lies are those who support him no matter what he says or does. It’s hard to deny when there’s legitimate proof though. Take one of the first official lies the administration tried to pass off: Trump’s inauguration crowd was the largest in history. When confronted about this blatant lie, the administration held to the narrative Trump wanted published, rather than admitting the truth. Pictures clearly show that Trump’s inauguration was much less well attended than Obama’s.

Another example: when Trump said that the head of the Boy Scouts called him to tell him his speech (to the Scouts) was the “greatest speech ever made to them.” A senior Scouts source confirmed that no such call was ever made.

Some may write these off as just “bragging,” or exaggerating, but when a person consistently uses lies to make themselves look better and to create a false sense of reality in his followers, it’s dangerous.

The second tactic: Denial that they ever said something, even when there’s proof. This is one that probably does not apply to Trump, because he never bothers to deny anything he’s said. He is upfront about his lies, and defends them to the end. I could do an entire post about why this is, but for now I'll just say, research narcissistic personality disorder.

A third tactic: Using what is dear to you as ammunition. What is dear to many Republicans and Trump supporters? Securing borders, pro-life agendas, democracy, patriotism, small government, election security, freedom, etc. (All of which are noble values.) Trump has used lies about his opponents to create fear in his followers for everything they hold dear. By hanging the specter of Democrat boogey-men trying to destroy democracy, usher in socialism, open the borders in an immigration free-for-all, and allow late-term abortions for every woman, Trump has created a false sense that what his supporters love is in danger of being taken away. This tactic was taken to new lows when he attacked our free and fair election system. Although he and his team had unmitigated access to the courts, no widespread voter fraud was ever discovered or able to be proven in court, even with many Republicans represented on election boards and in the judiciary. If there had been anything at all to his claims, they would have been all over it.

Fourth tactic: Wearing down over time. Trump is a master at this. He sprinkles the lies in amidst nuggets of truth, but keeps a constant stream of rhetoric flowing, often at a pace that leaves little room for anyone else to get a word in edgewise. His use of Twitter took this to a level we've never seen before.

Fifth tactic: Actions do not match words. Although Trump has fulfilled some of his campaign promises, there are many instances where what he says he is going to do, or has done, aren’t matched by his actions. Does anyone remember his promise to repeal and replace Obamacare? How about the border wall paid for by Mexico? He’s a politician, so I’ll cut him some slack for not being able to fulfill all of his campaign promises, but other things like his vow to not golf as much as Obama, or to not use executive orders were quickly tossed aside. His actions seem to be whatever is expedient in the moment, while his words express greater motives.

Sixth tactic: Confusion and chaos. The majority of people prefer order and stability in their lives. By making people constantly question everything in the world they used to think they understood or trusted, the gaslighter is creating a sense that the world has turned upside down. Gaslighters know that when confronted with chaos and confusion, people turn to “trusted” sources to reassure them or to restore stability- and Trump naturally set himself up as that source.

Seventh tactic: They project. What they do, they deny but then accuse others of doing the same thing. This is often done to distract from their own behavior. You’re not as likely to notice what Trump is doing (or not doing) if your attention is constantly drawn to what his opponents (the enemy) are doing or planning.

Eighth tactic: Telling you everyone else is a liar. This could be Trump’s trademark move. Cast doubt and suspicion on mainstream media, Democrats, liberals, and anyone who opposes him. Call them liars and fake. Start rumors of election rigging far in advance of the election, cast doubt on the security of the voting system. Repeat over and over, until it almost subconsciously becomes truth to the hearer.

(https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting)

I’m deeply saddened when I hear people state that they don’t know what is true or real any more. This was not the case four years ago when Trump took office. Much of the confusion and doubt has been carefully sown by a man with tremendous influence. Trump was able to manipulate the very fabric of our society in order to fulfill his own desire for power and popularity. I’m afraid he got what he wanted, and our country is going to be paying the price for it for years to come.

As for me, I’m putting my trust in what I believe to be true: God is real, Jesus Christ is my Savior, the Bible and Book of Mormon are the words of God, love is stronger than hate, and good will prevail in the end. To keep myself rooted in the kind of truth I want and need in my life, I am immersing myself in the scriptures, recent talks and statements from the Prophet, and all things that are “virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.” I don't listen to most news sources, but choose instead to read news articles from ones that are least biased (avoiding the over-dramatization and emotionality that most news videos contain.) I go to original sources as much as possible, and have access to research articles when I want to go more in-depth on issues. I, too, am sometimes confused about what appear to be conflicting reports, but I know that truth is usually somewhere in the middle of two sides, and that no one has all of the answers on any topic.