This Month with Martha Fish

How Doorknobs Saved My Marriage - and my Sanity

2011-10-08T11:25:00.001-05:00

I just went shopping for doorknobs. Let me give a few facts about our new home. It's quaint, older, in a great neighborhood, and has everything a family of four could ask for. However, we are not the first owners. I counted our doorknobs today. There are 18 total doors in our house with doorknobs. 16 of those doors are interior doors. 6 of those interior doors have locks on them. Only 1 of those 6 doors has a lock that works. That door is to the main floor bathroom.
Let me tell you why only 1 out of 16 interior doors locks in this house. Apparently, the previous owners chose to update the look of the house by spray-painting the gold doorknobs upstairs with silver spraypaint. We found this out at inspection and decided to let it go as we were in a time crunch and had bigger fish to fry. The only problem? They spraypainted every turning lock as well so that they no longer turn or function as locking knobs. The bigger problem? Guess where I get all my privacy in a house of 3 males. I love my family but even they know that I would enjoy shaving my legs, waxing my face, using the restroom, and putting on my clothes in complete privacy. I'm a girl dammit!
So on the day of the weekend that my husband took the kids to soccer and urged me to avoid cleaning, organizing, washing clothes, looking over grade school homework and brushing the dog, I could not decide what I wanted to do with my sanity time. I felt terrible anxiety leaving the house a mess and knowing that it's just waiting for us when we come back. I can't be the only one who has ever felt this way. I know that we sometimes need to just let it go and enjoy ourselves, but it's hard sometimes.
Once I was done at least tidy-ing up I had to make my decision. There were plenty of places to go: the mall, the local coffee shop, a library. There were plenty of things to do (although it's raining and I already went for a run): write, read, sew, shop, eat. But that first push out the door was rough. I really needed to do something that would be an instant relief to the current worries on my mind. So I went shopping - as I said, for doorknobs. I just google'd "Who Invented The Doorknob?" Try it. Thank you to the person who did because without doorknobs (specifically, doorknobs with locks), I might be a zombie. I might mutter classic phrases like Goldie Hawn in "Overboard". I might cry for no reason (more than once a week). I didn't purchase the doorknobs, but merely picked out a style and priced them. I'm a step closer.
It's been said that you don't know what you got till it's gone. When I had locking doorknobs, I had power. I had privacy on the spot. If you're like me, you would like to avoid admitting to your children that you do the hippity for as long as possible. If you're not like me in that aspect, I applaud you. I'm not here to make anyone blush or puke, but part of being a grown up, and a spouse with children, is being able to kindle romance in the marriage. Romance in marriage can lead to extra kindness in life which, in turn, can lead to a great influence on your children and hopefully they take that with them in their marriages.
With locking doorknobs we can also let our family members know that we need privacy, a moment, or just the ability to keep our smells and sounds confined until we have a chance to spray. I will admit that I was an only child growing up. We had one non-locking bathroom and that was good enough for me cause the toilet was behind the door and I could use my foot as a doorstop. I can't claim to know what it's like sharing with brothers and sisters, but I do feel that if the knobs were initially intended to lock, I could at least expect my bedroom and my bathroom door to lock. I also feel a need to provide a lock on our guest bedroom door so that my children don't wake up at the crack of dawn and stare at our guests as they sleep until they are ready to get up and start the day.
So, upon "window shopping" for doorknobs and then taking the time to vent about my knob frustrations, I am back to 50% sanity and when we install the knobs next weekend I will ring the bell at 99.9% and maybe next time I'll go shopping for some toe socks.

Marthaaaaaaaaaaaa

Tale As Old As Time OR How Snakey Baken Touched Our Lives

2011-10-07T21:49:00.001-05:00

So, if you don't know who Snakey Baken is, he's the teeny tiny corn snake who came to our house on Christmas last year. He was about 6 inches long and had the girth of my pinky finger. We suspected that he would show up on this particular holiday so, before commiting to welcoming him into our home, I went all out to make the most of the "first pet" our oldest boy would own. I did everything right. I bought an educational book on how to have a corn snake for a pet. I forced my son to read the book from cover to cover so he could take a customized test (that I took lots of time to prepare). If he didn't pass the test, there was no way we would allow the snake in our home. After passing the test with flying colors, our son also had to sign a contract. This particular contract stated many important oaths to feed the snake, assist in cleaning the terrarium, handle the snake on a regular basis and so on... It also included the agreement to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS close the lid properly because corn snakes are escape artists. My son, a very strong willed child, willing to prove to his parents that he was capable of caring for his first pet, did everything he was supposed to do. Survived corn snake 101. Stuck around for the defrosting and demise of every pinkie (dead pink baby mouse) to make sure Snakey Baken was fed properly. And any time that snake was out of his terarrium, the boy was sure to press the lid closed until he heard a "snap". One day, I went to get Snakey Baken some fresh water and was fully prepared for him to drop out of the bottom of his water bowl (where he loved to hide) then I could scream for no reason and pour him a fresh drink from the bathroom sink. Only, this time, he did not drop out. I looked underneath and, when I didn't see him there, figured he was in the log. When I got back from the bathroom, I started to question the last time I saw Snakey Baken in the tank. I prepared to lift the log, scream for no reason when he wiggled, and place the log back down. Only, this time, he was not in the log. I pulled back the plastic plant, looked under the basking rock, man I looked everywhere. It was then that I had calculated that I had not seen Snakey Baken in three days. I retracted the last three days of Snakey Baken's life and came to the conclusion that I had possibly been the last one to see him and change his water bowl. Within that conclusion, I began to question my thoroughness in closing his lid. I knew I had always closed it, but could not recall the "snap" sound that my son had always listened for. In fact, as I dwelled on it, I walked back over to the tank and saw that I had not closed it properly at this moment either. I fell to the ground. Not in the realization that I was the worst corn snake owner in the world, but just to see if I could catch up with S.B. on his expedition to anywhere. Alas, he was already three days ahead of me. The next few hours were bundles of fun: heater vents were removed, furniture was shuffled around, bedding was disheveled, laundry baskets were emptied. I spent the next day in Snakey Baken's shoes (or belly bottom) slithering on the ground asking, "If I were a Snake, where would I go?" Do I really need to say it? Snakey Baken was a pleasure to have around for two whole months, but I did not close the the lid properly. It left a hole about the girth of my pinky finger and Snakey Baken found it, probably on day one. Never to be seen again. Dead nor alive.
The point of this story? It will haunt me the rest of my life. It will come up over every discussion of how to take care of a pet. Unfortunately for me, it will also come up over holiday get togethers, after a couple glasses of wine, and whenever I try to point out someone else's failure to be responsible. You get it. It will go down in history as "the time that mom made a big deal about how one should care for a corn snake and then let the snake escape"! I'm not the only one who has an event in their life that will go down in the family file under "remember that one time?" I'm not done by any means...

To be continued...

Marthaaaaaaaaaaaaa

The Age of Electronics

2011-10-01T23:30:00.001-05:00

I'm thinking that the generation of today's children is pegged as the e-generation. Back when I was a kid the GameBoy was one of just two handhelds to have. Now, our kids can have a range of handheld electronics (not just games). Let's see, we have the ipad, the ipod, an array of cell phones, the Nintendo DS to name one handheld video game player, I'm sure there's more but I don't have all night. I think if I could have had a cell phone when I was a kid, I'd probably pass on the bagphone.
I admit that I use the DS or my cell phone to keep a situation under control during what I like to dub the "chaos hour on-the-go". Let me clarify. There's a time of the day I like to call "CHAOS HOUR!!!" dun dun dun! This is the time of day that my children decide to compete in decibels and energy levels. It's also a time of day I like to call "Daddy's Home!" because they usually coincide with eachother. There's a little switch that flicks when Daddy enters the house and in the depths of my kids brains they ultimately have to make Daddy believe that it's been like this all day and mom really has no control whatsoever. The worst part? The dog loves to join in on chaos hour. This 10+ year old dog becomes a puppy for chaos hour and for some reason snorts and sneezes repetitively. So, take Chaos Hour and take it on the road, or to a football game, a restaurant... you get the picture. Thank you Nintendo for taking a video game console and making it portable. Sorry, Sega.
My opinion is that my generation is well aware that our children could easily become a generation fully dependent on electronics. Seriously, I saw a commercial where a kid was happy to watch a movie on his device while he was at the beach. It made me sick to my stomach. But, I think many of us are up to the challenge of not limiting our children's worlds to 4 inches in front of their face. I've been paying attention to children and their devices. I've been to soccer games, a college football game, malls, grocery stores, parks, restaurants, etcetera, etcetera. I'm pretty impressed that most kids are still reading books made from trees, they are throwing wood chips and playing tag. Kids are talking to eachother, running amok, talking out of turn and not watching where they're going (because they have too much energy, not because they have their heads in an electronic).
I can't give myself credit for setting limits and using electronics as a reward, not a babysitter. I give many people credit for being aware. Sure, there are those who give electronics a bad name. Why else would there be movies showing teenagers mass texting or texting from the next room? It's true to a point. But you can't say we are not aware. You can't say we rely on electronics to find serenity in our day. We still find happiness in doing it "old school" with books and paint and kites. However, I do enjoy humor about kids who are confused when they see a rotary phone or a phone booth. Still, kudos to us! Kudos to us.

Making the Kid Cry

2011-09-22T15:20:00.000-05:00

We recently decided to watch a classic by the name of "Where the Red Fern Grows" with our two boys. We were both pretty excited to introduce a movie based on literature to our kids. I think 50% of the family is finally done with "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" which is just fun to request because the kids call it "Cloudyballs". The best part of watching a scary movie you've already seen is watching it with someone who is seeing it for the first time. You can't wait to see their reactions to your favorite parts.
In the event of a drama, I think it's the same. This may be a confession, or it may have you nodding your head in agreement but my husband and I both knew the movie would be sad, we both knew it had the potential to make our 8-year-old cry, and we both could not wait till that part came. It seems pretty messed up when I put it that way but I think, deep down, we like to use these types of movies as opportunities to see what kind of kids we have. I truly wanted to know the level of compassion my kid would have for this kid who lost one dog to tragedy and the other dog to a broken heart. Movies like E.T. can tell a lot about sensitivity, compassion, attachment and how a child values relationships. So, of course, our son ended up crying at the end, during the montage of the dogs who had passed (this is the Dave Matthews version of the movie, by the way). And, of course, we felt like big jerks for letting it happen. But in the end, we also gained an opportunity to talk about what the boy would do next, how he would deal with it, and how we would deal with the loss of our pet if it ever came. It sure beats bringing down the conversation over dinner in a random fashion. Anyhow, my poll of the week is related to this post. Vote on it if you like. If you think of any other movies that can be used to open up converstations with children, comment below. I just picked the first five that came to mind. Don't laugh!

Love,
Marthaaaa!

Welcome!!

2011-09-22T15:18:00.000-05:00

Hi! Thanks for visiting my bliggity blog. This is my first one ever and I have no idea what the heck I'm doin'. A while back I started a small newsletter called "The Conversation Piece" and over the course of a year the "Piece" began to grow. Being a stay-at-home mom running a home daycare I found it hard to keep up with publishing the newsletter. Well thanks to the speed of technology, I can sit here while my infant chews on my sleeve for five minutes and VOILA I can produce a lot more information for families than I used to. I'm seeing about getting the band back together - meaning the band of writers and artists who contributed to the original newsletter. I hope you enjoy some of our archives as I get them posted. I'm going to beg them for some new stuff here pretty soon.

Get With It

2011-09-21T11:14:00.000-05:00

So every so often I linger back to this old blog of mine and read the old stuff. I'm not embarrassed to say I crack myself up. Especially my entry on going to the grocery store without a pen. That was an adventure I'm proud to say I have not repeated since. It's been a long time since I've written an entry yet there have been plenty of opportunities to share my nutso stories that you can probably relate to. I'm getting with the times and finally figuring out how to link up blog with facebook with twitter with the toilet seat handle and the garage door opener. If I can sync them together, I think I'll save a lot more time.
My current status in life is married with two boys - 8 and 4. What an adventure. I am happy to say that the family has agreed on a having a girl soon. We just have to search the internet, find one that needs a home, build a fence and we're set! Wait, maybe the fence should come first.
Hopefully I'm back for a while. The creative juices have always been flowing, it's just time to look behind the old marinades and condiments, pull the juice out, check the expiration date, and pour the juice out. The great part is that, even if the juice is old, I can pour it on the page and it's still relevant. Just watch for chunks!

Love Marthaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

I Kid You Not!

2008-05-01T13:06:00.003-05:00

I'm starting a new topic based on an experience I had at church over the weekend. This discussion is reserved for those of you who have had some of the most embarrassing moments with your children...
I'm going to bet that everyone out there has at least one good embarrassing story about childhood, whether it be your own or that of a child you know. Here's the moment that sparked this particular topic:
While my husband was away on business I decided that I could at least handle taking my children to Saturday church on my own. Our church has a balcony that allows my kids to be a tiny bit restless without really bothering anyone. My five year old spent most of the time playing legos in the pew and occasionally walking toward the railing of the balcony only ten feet in front of us.
As the mass was coming to a half way point, it began to feel like the rest was going to be a breeze. When I walk up to receive my "Christ cookie", as my son calls it, it helps inspire him to behave through the remainder of mass. Prior to this, the Father says "Peace be with you" and we respond with "And also with you." He then proceeds to invite the congregation to offer peace to eachother with a handshake.
At the time the Father was proposing the peace offering, I looked down to find my son adjusting his underwear with his hands in his pants. Normally, my son is too distracted to get the opportunity to shake the hands of those around us and I prayed (literally) that he would miss it again at this time. To my horror, he pulled his hands out of his pants just in time and was sure to shake hands with every single person that surrounded us. Since everyone welcomed his shake, I assumed that no one had seen what he was doing just before and I blushed with shame that my child (who usually washes his hands after every meal and after playing outside) was the one who offered more than peace that day.

Fire Plan Exit Strategies - Contributed by Denise Meyer

2008-04-30T07:24:00.007-05:00

We are aware of how important it is to have a Fire Safety Plan, which includes having two ways to exit from every room in your home, regularly tested smoke detectors, and a meeting place for your family. But how does that plan differ when there are more babies than adults? What if you are alone with 3, 4, 5 or more babies?

Although prevention is vital, a good place to start when planning your strategy is proactive preparation. Most experts agree that you have less than 3 minutes to exit a burning building, which is not enough time for multiple trips. So the best way is to carry everyone out in one trip, which seems easier said than done. Here are a few ideas that make it possible:

The Big Grab Method:
For co-bedded infants, who are usually snuggled together anyway, you can probably reach your arms around from either end and grab them all. They may wake up and be upset that they are squished against their siblings, but at least they will be safe. I know I had no problem picking up three babies with this method and I have pretty short arms.

Laundry Basket Method:
If there is a laundry basket nearby, which there most likely will be, dump out the clothes and fill it with babies. Drag or push the basket down the hall to stay below any smoke. If you are on the second floor, back yourself down the stairs sliding the basket of babies down as you go.

Blanket/Sleeping Bag Method:
Keep a large thick blanket, sleeping bag or towel in the sleeping area. (Fire blankets are available for purchase commercially, but any thick blanket will do.) The goal would be to provide some insulation from any smoke or fire gases. For very small infants you can spread the blanket on the floor, lay all the babies next to or on top of each other, and wrap the blanket up around both sides. Hold both ends at the top, like a “bundle” hanging from the mouth of a stork. If you have a sleeping bag with a strong zipper you can just “fill the bag with babies,” close the top and off you go. If you need to go down stairs and they are too heavy to carry, just drag the bundle down the stairs. The kids might end up a little bumped and bruised, but they will be alive. As soon as you are in fresh air, remove the babies so they can breathe normally.

Bail Out/Relay Method:
As soon as you open the window start screaming for help, hopefully someone will hear you and come running to help shuttle babies away from danger.
If you are alone, think of this as a relay. Open the window and start placing babies on the ground. Most 0-6 month olds can’t roll or crawl away yet so they will stay where you place them. First you get the babies all out of the window, then yourself, and then start moving them away from the house.

Sling Method:
If your nursing sling or carrier is close by, you can put a baby or two in the sling and have your hands free for carrying other babies or directing another child out. Be careful not to spend too much time getting babies situated in the carrier. Remember: In the case of a fire, you only have 3 minutes to escape, so if it takes you 5 minutes to put on and adjust your sling, you will need another method.

Apron Method:
Commercially there are “apron-like” garments designed specifically for evacuating large numbers of babies. Many hospitals and day care centers have these. Safe Babies® infant emergency evacuation apron is one product that can carry up to four babies.

Stroller Method:
Of course a stroller can be the quickest mode of transportation, but there are very limited circumstances where this is an option. How many of us keep a stroller near the bedroom? Also, in the case of a fire, you should never use an elevator, so you could be in for a bumpy ride. But if you are on the first floor and the stroller is close, don’t overlook the obvious. Throw them in and roll as fast as you can to safety.

You can always combine methods or make up your own. The most important things is to make sure everyone gets out, and once you are all out, don’t go back in for anything. Here are some other important points to remember when working towards the goal of getting everyone out in one trip:

· Coordinate your escape plan with your local fire departments. Most can help you make a family fire escape plan, and may even come out to your home to do a fire safety check. It is also a good idea to communicate with the firehouse that would respond to your home by letting them know how many babies you have. That way, should the worst happen, they will come prepared with extra pediatric equipment, and they would also know how many babies need to get out.

· If you have babies that require medical equipment, work that into your plan. Carrying multiple pieces of equipment may not be realistic so, if your babies are attached to monitors, oxygen, or feeding tubes, know what you can do without for a few minutes and how to quickly disconnect to escape. When the ambulance arrives, paramedics can take over to monitor/stabilize breathing and heart rates and transport your child(ren) to a medical facility with the proper equipment you had to leave behind. Medical equipment can be replaced, a child cannot.

· Make sure to prepare the older children for an independent escape. It is easy for a parent to be distracted with smaller children who are not able to help themselves escape. So make sure you teach your older children how to escape on their own and not to worry about helping you. Children as young as 3 can follow a fire escape plan they have practiced often. Regimented fire drills are a good way to keep preschool children and toddlers prepared.

· If you are in a two-parent household, run your fire drill three ways: With Mom Only, With Dad Only, and with Both Parents. It’s important to prepare for every possible situation.

· Ideally, every door should be escapable without a key, but eventually, babies become toddlers that you may have to lock them in the house to keep them from escaping without your knowledge. If you have doors that must be opened with a key, KEEP A KEY BY EACH DOOR and REPLACE IT AFTER EACH USE, you don’t want to have to look for the key in a life or death situation. Hang it on a hook out of the reach of the little ones.

· Remember to reassess your practice drills as the children get older. The bigger they grow the harder they are to carry, so you may need to adjust your plan. The exit routes in your home will also change with the addition of baby gates, locked doors and toys, toys, everywhere. Continued practice is key.

We all hope we will never have to use our escape plan, but it is comforting to know that you have an current Exit Strategy in place at all times.

Test Kitchen: No Eggs French Toast

2008-04-25T13:52:00.004-05:00

We recently found out that our 7 month old is allergic to just about every ingredient the nutrition facts have to warn you about. Peanuts, Milk and Eggs are among the list. Not only do we have to be careful of the foods we feed him, but the doctor reminded me that Breastfeeding is best especially for babies with allergies. But because he eats what I eat, I have to maintain the same cautious diet. So I’m dedicated to providing breast milk until he’s one year old when he’ll be retested for his allergy to soy and see if that supplement will even be possible. In the interim, I have been adjusting to the fact that I used to eat at least two servings of Peanuts, Milk and Eggs daily and now I have none. There was actually a one-month period of withdrawals and nausea because of that drastic change. Now that my options are limited I have had to come up with new ideas on how to enjoy meals the rest of the family will like, minus the ingredients I cannot have...

So one day I had a strong craving for pancakes or French toast and just kept thinking there had to be a way I could have something similar, even if it meant pouring syrup on toast (yeah I was that desperate). Then it occurred to me that I had precut fruit on the verge of going soft in the fridge and this is what I came up with:
I tested it twice before coming up with a tasty breakfast treat.

No Eggs French Toast

2 slices bread
¼ blended combination of pineapple, strawberries, and grapes (you can actually test other fruits but this is what I used)
1 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp syrup

Toast the bread in a toaster. Cube the bread. Blend the fruit combination into a liquid, set aside. Heat oil in a pan and spread around evenly (this helps prevent the fruit blend from burning or sticking). Warm up the toast in the oiled pan tossing around for even-ness. With the heat on medium, pour in the measured ¼ cup of blended fruit and toss immediately to coat the toast. You can cook to desired crispness but be careful as the fruit can burn easily. (As I said, I tested this twice and that slightly burnt fruit smell is actually aromatic throughout the day!)

Top with 2 tbsp syrup and Enjoy!

Summerize Your Kitchen

2008-04-23T10:35:00.007-05:00

The spring season has arrived and of course summer is just around the corner. This is a great opportunity to shed the winter hibernation weight and take advantage of the seasonal growth of veggies and fruits. Here are a few tips on how to encourage healthier eating for your family while preparing for a busy season of outdoor activities...

Double It – Make it a point to double your recipes reducing the time you spend in the kitchen each week. Leftovers are especially important when you have children who attend sports practice or other extra-curricular activities. Restaurants and fast food often seem like a solution to the end of a busy day, but trying to make healthy choices for a whole family could be more exhausting than just taking the troop home.

Cut it in Half – If you’ve ever come across the problem where the family mistook your double recipe for a super feast and left you with an insufficient amount for leftovers, get in the habit of taking out the leftovers before announcing that dinner is ready.

Change it Up - A main dish can be a new dinner with a simple change in bread, veggies or fruits if your family gets that “bleh” look when you mention “leftovers”. Experiment with turning yesterday’s meat into a sandwich, or Monday’s pasta into a soup.

Piece Be With You – Raisins may be nature’s candy, but I’ll be one to admit that I can’t live on fruit alone as an indulgence. I love anything sweet and typically bad in large quantities. Resist buying large packages of snacks at the grocery store. My mom reserves her indulgences for a stop at the local See’s Candies store and buys two pieces of chocolate a couple times a week. This way she has something to look forward to after all her healthy eating, she doesn’t over-indulge, and because it would cost an arm and a leg at See’s, she resists buying it in bulk, resulting in less consumption of sweets. My personal favorite is a Candy Apple at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory, but I make it a point to bring someone along to share one with.

Front and Center – I use to organize my food shelves so all food could be seen in one glance, but I noticed that fruits and veggies were always ignored as snacks because they were either at the bottom of the fridge or in a corner fruit bowl on the counter. I also found that my son was only tall enough to see up to the middle shelf and rarely asked for options higher than that. The grocery store uses a method like this right?
Try placing all precut finger foods and individual snacks on the middle shelf “front and center”. For items that are not to be eaten whether they need to be saved for recipes or if they should just be limited, place them low in the fridge or behind tall containers on the top.
As for the pantry, don’t be afraid to hide the sweets towards the back and bring nuts, breads, dried fruit and healthier cereal toward the front. If you forget about any foods in the back and they go bad, you may realize your family can live without them.

Make the Cut – Prepackaged food is so convenient, but I know that the fresh fruit and veggies are the key to a healthier snacking lifestyle. Unfortunately, I don’t always have time to cut a variety of garden foods so we either end up eating only the apples or grabbing a handful of crackers. So I realize there aren’t too many economical choices to avoiding a little hands-on work. To help myself keep more than one option of fresh fruits or veggies, the first thing I do before I go to the grocery store is put my large cutting board on the counter. When I go to the store I buy at least three options of fruit (I always have plenty of veggies around for recipes so I don’t stress on it too much). When I get home I unload my groceries in categories (dry food, fridge food, fruits, etc.). I unload all my fruits that need cutting by the cutting board. Since I’ve just returned from the grocery store, really the last thing I want to do is more work. But I’ve found that sitting down and cutting food while watching a show or talking with my 5-year-old can be a relaxing transition. I’ve also found that my husband is more than happy to start the job with the convenience of the cutting board already out and the fruits standing by.

Divvy it up – I just realized I’ve never spelled out the word “Divvy”. Anyhow, when cutting up fruits or veggies, create plenty of snacking options by creating medleys and also providing isolated containers of each. I came across the problem of mixing fruit in such large quantities that it would go bad too soon. For those fruits that are looking a little sad, catch them early enough to make smoothies (or check out my recipe for “egg free” French toast.

As always we want you to share your techniques related to each article. Click on Post a Comment. (All postings are screened for relevant and appropriate content).

Confession of the Month

2008-04-16T14:05:00.002-05:00

To my dear husband,
I know you hate it when I forget to fill up and add the Downey Ball to the washing machine. When I remember that I forgot, I throw the empty ball in just in case you check.
Love Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaartha

The Mother's First Encyclopedia to Stains

2008-04-16T14:00:00.003-05:00

I do my laundry on Thursdays. I take that back. I START my laundry on Thursdays. And by Sunday I have most of those clothes in their assigned rooms. Sometimes, by Monday, they are actually in the drawers and closets in which they belong. For some reasons never previously specified… I HATE LAUNDRY! In the first 25 years of my life I never once needed a stain remover and it took me under two hours to get all my laundry done (when my mommy wasn’t doing it for me anymore). When my first son was born, stain remover became a staple in the home and laundry was completed in under two days. Now, as a full time mom in charge of the household laundry for four residents, I have become accustomed to my own technique of getting the grueling task done…

I think the last time my husband did all the laundry by himself was about 4 years ago. This is not to say he doesn’t help, but explaining to him why it sucks to do laundry for four people all by yourself is only best illustrated in alphabetical order of stains. Because of these stains, I have to not only sort laundry by specific temperature, but I have to go through and sort by it’s potential of having a stain on it. And if he thinks this is only limited to the children’s clothing, well then he’s lost his damn mind. But my husband is an understanding person and would rather not complain than claim that he could do it better… thus leading me to let him prove it. So each Thursday I stand in the laundry room, stain remover trigger in hand, tumbleweeds of lint balls rolling by and I face my nemesis in a four-day duel. Keep in mind that I have only one baby and a five year old, so specific household stains may vary with numbers and possibly even genders. And please note that I decided not to include the stains our dog and cat can contribute.

Diaper Leaks
Locations:
Baby Clothes - From the waist down. In some instances all up the backside.
Adults Clothes - Around the waist of any shirt or blouse. On the sleeve where the elbow bends and baby butts usually rest when held. On the thigh area of pants.

Milk Spills
Locations:
Baby Clothes - Around the chest area and on the legs.
5-Year-Old’s Clothes - Around the chest area and on the front of the pants where a pool of milk drips off the table into the lap. Check the bottoms of the pants too for those spills that hit the ground and bounce up.

Nose Wipes
Locations:
5-Year-Old’s Clothes - From the shoulder down to the wrist and also the bottom of the shirt that can be brought up to the face.
Adult clothes - On the shoulder from holding a crying child who decides to utilize shirt as a Kleenex as well as all the way around the waist of shirts. Also check the thighs of pants for signs of the shorter child.

Outdoor Related Stains – Grass, Dirt, Puddles, Bird Poop
Locations:
5-Year-Old’s Clothes - Special attention to the knees, bottoms of pants and the backside.
Bird Poop is added for those days at the local T-ball game when your kid picks the only spot on the bleachers that has been hit.

Pee Leaks
Locations:
On the pants of any male living in the house.

Puke
Locations:
Baby Clothes – See “Spit Up”
5-Year-Olds Clothes - Depends on the type of puking that took place. Check everywhere in the case of projectile vomiting.

School Related Stains – Paint, Markers, Crayons, Juice
Locations:
5-Year-Olds clothes - The shirt sleeves where the child rests his arms on the table, the front side of the shirt where the child wiped his hands and the sides of the pants where the child finished the job.

Spit Up
Locations:
Baby Clothes – On the front side for dribbles and on the knees where baby has crawled through after spitting up.
Adults clothes - On the front of shirts as well as the sleeves and down the back. Also check front of pants.
5-Year-Older sibling clothes - For those times he/she decided to let the baby crawl across him and was dropped a surprise mid-crawl.

Sticky Cheerios
Locations:
Baby Clothes - Anywhere on the baby clothes. Especially on the bottomside. How they get here I still have yet to investigate.

Wet Farts
Location:
Do I really need to go there?

If you have more laundry battles to share just click on the link below that says: Post a Comment. (All postings are screened for appropriate content).

If You Can't Say Anything Nice...

2008-04-11T12:50:00.002-05:00

After our recent week in Chicago I realized that online reviews aren’t always the most reliable sources. The hotel we stayed at was a decent place to stay but the maintenance of the rooms proved to be slightly neglected in our experience. With two children in tow we had to move rooms in the first ten minutes because my husband couldn’t access the Internet that he had requested for business. Luckily we hadn’t yet unpacked...
The second issue came on our first morning waking up there. The showerhead basically ran like a water faucet. This didn’t bother my husband initially, but when I tried to help my son get his shower in, we found that it was torture. At the beginning of the next morning, on our way out of the hotel for the day, we requested that someone try to fix the showerhead so we could avoid having to switch rooms, but ultimately I expressed that I would move if I had to. After a long day away we came in with the front desk informing us that the problem had been fixed and we returned to our room at 9pm to find that the showerhead poured slightly faster than before, but still resembled a faucet. Unwilling to change rooms in the middle of the night we ended up just toughing it out as we were also more than half way through with our trip.
I growled about it to my husband the last few days and vented to my mother profusely over the phone. I told her that it paled in comparison to the last overnight trip we took. Complaining about the bad hotel took about 20 minutes and praising the better hotel took about two minutes. A very dear friend of mine reminded me once that we shouldn’t give so much attention to the things that bring negative feelings but rather aim that attention at the things we appreciate.
So, instead of naming names and warning everyone not to stay at the “bad” hotel (which was actually a pleasant atmosphere and provided a hot breakfast each morning), I’ll choose to review and praise one of my favorite hotels…

Shortly after Christmas my family and I spent three days in Quincy, Illinois. The plan was to meet up with my friend and her family and also visit the Mark Twain Caves in Hannibal, Missouri. After making reservations with a hotel we changed our minds and chose the Stoney Creek Inn in Quincy. Our reason for choosing this hotel was that we had been to a wedding at one in the past and it seemed quite cozy and although I don’t want to quote any prices, they were extremely reasonable, especially for what you get out of it. The outside is made to look like a log cabin and upon entering, you realize that the adventure continues. There was a fireplace with a camping and fishing décor, an attractive bar area off to the left and a friendly smile on the concierge’s face. The room we stayed in the typical sized hotel room with the continued outdoorsy décor.
The biggest highlight of this hotel is the pool. Not only is the pool area huge, but it consists of one giant pool that goes from indoor to outdoor. The pool temperature was perfect and in the dead of winter it was perfect to feel the cool air outside while swimming in the warm water. The pool area also had a very large Jacuzzi with fake mountain rocks surrounding it. The kids loved the look of adventure. I must also mention that it has a sauna and a video game room in the same area.
The day after arrival, we visited the Mark Twain Caves just 20 minutes away, which was the perfect expedition for a four and five year old. The tours are fun and funny and there was not one boring moment, as I must say I did think there would be when all you’re doing is walking between rocks. But the tour guide kept the imagination running with references from the Mark Twain’s literature and his boyhood experiences.
At the end of the day we returned to our hotel rooms, got showered up and relaxed a bit. In Quincy, the Stoney Creek Inn is just a parking lot away from a Steak N’ Shake which is pretty much a burger joint with a 50’s look to it. I’m not a big advocate of fast food, but when you’re out of town with four kids total, there’s usually no better place to simply walk to and let them behave like themselves.
Back to the hotel…
Our second full day in Quincy was great at Stoney Creek because we started it off with their well stocked complimentary breakfast, continued with swimming, and played hotel provided board games in the breakfast area, we also were able to roam the halls without feeling like we were walking through a hospital. It helped that a large family reunion was taking place that weekend so it was hard to tell where their children ended and ours began. But the hallways are welcoming and end at actual carpeted stairways (not emergency stairwells).
To add one final benefit of staying at the Stoney Creek Inn, they offer a club membership that includes discounts on their giftshop, a free drink at the bar each night you stay, and free room upgrades when available. The membership is free of course and for every 12 nights you stay, you earn a free night. “Twelve nights?” you say… Well we stayed for three and then they emailed me a promotion that I get double stamps on my next stay. My parents will be staying at Stoney Creek in my town for 6 nights so I will have already completed a card.
I never used to give a second thought about hotel service until I had children and realized that I spend at least 50% of my vacation in the hotel because I can’t drag my children through an entire weekend of sights. So finding a place like Stoney Creek Inn is always pleasing and I figure the more I praise it, the more you’ll look for it and, to satisfy that demand, maybe they’ll build a Stoney Creek at our next destination. Enjoy!

Tools of the Trade: Travelling Food Processor

2008-04-03T14:01:00.006-05:00

Do you ever wish you had brought something along with you and tell yourself numerous times that you'll be sure to add it to your purse, car, diaper bag when you get home, for next time? Well, if you're anything like me, by the time you get home you've forgotten that thought and the next time you get out, you find yourself looking for the item again. So scratch that idea of packing a million little things you'll need later. Now, enter the MacGyver in all of us (and if you don't know who MacGyver is, then you must be young enough to know what Google is). Back to MacGyver...

So the next Tool of the Trade came upon by accident. My husband recently took us to Chicago for what started out as a three week adventure and turned into a one week museum tour. My sons and I decided to explore the DuPage museum in Naperville, IL (which, by the way, was spectacular). We spent the day there from 10am to 5pm.
The day was going fairly well and each time I started to feel as though it was time to wrap up the day, we would find something new and exciting. My 6 month old was, of course, the one to keep happy and we are getting used to the fact that the world revolves around his sleep schedule. That's because SLEEPY - SLEEP = SCREAMING and SLEEPY + HUNGRY = SCREAMING but SLEEPY + LOTS OF CHILDREN RUNNING AROUND = SLEEPY LAUGHTER which also = FIVE MORE MINUTES and SLEEPY - HUNGRY = 30 MORE MINUTES. Anyhow, nearing the end of the day I told my five year old that if we could just feed the baby, he would be happy enough to make it for another 1/2 hour. Content with this deal, he agreed to take a break and wait patiently while I fed the baby bird.
Once we got downstairs, I began to shovel out all the items in my bag that by now were covering a whole banana somewhere deep down low. I also managed to run into the baby spoon and pull both out with one hand and a smile on my face. My 5 year old watched as I did this and smiled too as though we had found treasure. Looking at the two items (banana and spoon) my face turned to a frown and so did that of the 5 year old. "How am I supposed to feed him with these?" I said aloud. It was at this moment I realized that the spoon was not sharp enough to scrape or smash the banana and in any case there was no where to place the banana in which to smash it. "I think we may have to leave now," I said nervously. More than anything I hate to disappoint my 5 year old with news that his little brother is more important and has caused an end to any fun.
Upon seeing the sadness on his face, I began to act as though there was some kind of solution that may just pop up in my magic bag of tricks (time to Google Felix the Cat). To be honest with you I didn't expect to find a single thing to save the day, I just wanted to look like I had tried. After about two minutes of digging with that "Hmmm..." look on my face, I came upon little sandwich baggies that I use to store the other half of the banana after the baby eats. And then the lightbulb began to flicker... If I put the naked banana in this baggie and close it up (cue the MacGyver theme music) I could SMASH it into mush, and when I open it, it will then serve as a bowl in which to dip the spoon into and upon the baby eating the perfect consistency of banana, he will then be the happiest baby in the universe, turning me into my five year olds hero and all will be at balance until at least 5 pm. Okay well most of that was realistic. Anyhow, if there's anything you remember to add to your diaper bag right now, make it the baggie as the Smasharooni Bowl combo. But go do it now because it doesn't save the day if it's in a kitchen drawer at home.

So Who Is Martha Fish?

2008-03-10T09:16:00.006-05:00

Ever since I started my blog I have had moms asking who Martha Fish is. Others who know my personality and writing knew right away that it was me and not a whole other person. My mother did not realize right away and simply figured I found someone who loved to babble on as much as I do on paper Martha Fish is the name I came up with one day as I was writing an article for the old newsletter. After having the name come to mind, I didn’t actually use it in writing until two years later. I guess you could say that Martha Fish is an alter ego of sorts. She’s not the opposite of myself but rather a more focused version. Martha is my mirror image. It’s how I get myself to step outside and look back in. The reason for this is that, if I am not Martha Fish, I tend to be myself . And as myself, I cannot “just write”. If I were to start writing and then get up for a cup of coffee, I would then veer off toward the laundry room and start to fold clothes. Keep in mind I never made it to the kitchen for that cup of coffee. After folding laundry I would then proceed to let the dog out and while waiting for him to do his business, I would remember that my plants need water and I would walk over to the kitchen sink and pull out the watering can. At that moment the dog would bark and I would abandon the watering can to let him in. Upon letting the dog in I would realize that my five year old has decorated the glass on our backdoor with fingerprints and blowfish prints. I would then look everywhere for a bottle of glass cleaner that does not currently exist in the house because I forgot to buy it during the last two grocery trips. You can pretty much realize that I would never make it back to the computer to complete my thoughts.

So I choose to write as Martha. She’s calm and collected. She’s not afraid to write what she really thinks about motherhood and, most importantly, she gets the writing done. Martha never would have needed a cup of coffee in the first place. Martha writes as I stand watch on the kids - arms folded, eyes wide open and knees slightly bent so I don’t pass out. That’s how I escape the day for a good 15 minutes at a time, but I can’t do it without her. And once she’s done writing, I get back to myself and write glass cleaner on my grocery list.

Do you have an alter ego in you? Share it with other moms! Click on “Post a comment" below and tell us about it. (All postings are screened for appropriate content).

Poliwog #2 - Created by Chryss Gon

2008-03-05T09:44:00.003-06:00

Click on image to Enlarge

Test Kitchen

2008-03-05T09:23:00.010-06:00

My husband’s uncle recently hooked me up with a giant stack of Rachel Ray magazines. I’ve never been a coupon clipper or recipe collector because I’m scatterbrained enough. The last thing I need is little pieces of paper to organize. So, unless the recipe is used more than five times, I usually leave it in the book in which it originates. In my first day of going through the magazines...

(which I might mention was like opening presents on Christmas morning) I found a tip from a reader. She said that she used the vacant spaces of her wine rack to hold her favorite magazines. Luckily I had a metal wine rack in the basement to test this on. Since I never collect enough wine to occupy a wine rack that holds eight bottles, there was plenty of space to hold all of my “new” magazines.
I put this article under the subject of my Test Kitchen because my mother brought up the point that she hates to read magazines that are curled up. I decided to test this.
After two days of being curled up in the wine rack front cover facing out, I pulled out two of the magazines, both of which were curled together in one space. I am happy to announce that neither was even slightly curly. However, I previously placed my magazines in a standing on their side position and they tended to buckle into a curly position and were quite annoying to read in that condition.

What have you tested in your kitchen, house, vehicle? Want to share it? Click on "Post a comment" (All postings are screened for appropriate content)

Tools of the Trade

2008-02-27T08:57:00.001-06:00

Not until I became a mom and a home daycare provider did I start to envision ordinary objects becoming new and improved tools. I did learn from my step dad, at a young age, that a skateboard could take out the trash. But since becoming a mother, I have also given birth to a second brain. What I like to call the shortcut sector. The inventor I never knew.
I paid attention to my child and the other children I take care of and I can walk through a super store and tell you exactly which items will become unknown teething tools, which will eventually be imagined as weapons and which will be in the next yard sale. If I don’t already know, I will find out soon enough. A lot of my discoveries come from repeating the phrase “There’s gotta be another way!” and then just trying things that don’t make sense at first...

When my son began eating solid foods I always worried about him choking on pieces that were too big for his little mouth. Oh the times I missed a hot dinner because I was finger picking pieces for him just as fast as he could eat them. I picked at the sandwiches, the bananas, the slices of pizza. And that’s how it happened. I sliced a thin piece of pizza so I could make it small enough to continue finger picking the small bite size pieces for him to gnaw on. If my fingers weren’t covered with pizza sauce, I could have slapped my own forehead. Why not just continue to cut the pizza horizontally with the pizza cutter and make them even smaller. Slice, slice, slice. Cube, cube, cube.
These days, I don’t use knives to cut anything but steak anymore. Want your bread cut in half? Let me get the pizza cutter. Bite size chicken for the toddler? Where’s the pizza cutter? Cut the crust off? NO PROBLEM! I have a pizza cutter!
My pizza cutter is sharp and it’s big enough to slice a stacked sandwich or a chicken breast. It comes with a blade cover and is the best tool I have in the kitchen. I especially recommend it for those poor parents who are biting off chunks of meat regurgitating pieces for their little birds, and those who are over growing their nails as tools to feed the little two – toothed mouths of children.

Thought of the Week - Contributed by Peggy Loftus

2008-02-25T09:34:00.001-06:00

Life is Like Stewed Tomatoes?

Somehow in August this year I ended up with a bushel of homegrown tomatoes...and I don't have a garden. So, I had to find something to do with all these tomatoes. When I was growing up my parents canned and froze A TON of food from our 1/2 acre garden. "Hey!", I thought to myself, "why don't you stew the tomatoes and put them up." A lovely thought but I have never canned anything in my life and didn't want to learn on my own without my mom around to teach me. I called my mom, explained my predicament and she simply said, "well, freeze them." Duh! So she gave me basic directions and one morning I set to work.

She told me to scald the tomatoes in boiling water and not to worry about the bad spots. Take them out, cool them, take off the skins, plop in another pot, stew them briefly and dish them up and freeze them in my handy-dandy Tupperware. As I worked I came across a few that plain ol' needed to be thrown out. The rest went into the pot, even the ones that were already growing a small amount of mold or had some really yucky spots. As I started to peel them I was amazed that the bad spots just popped right out of the tomatoes along with the skins. And I got to thinking (sorry if this is a little cheesy)....but aren't we all a little like stewed tomatoes? As we grow older we get some bad spots on us. Hurts, tragedies, crises, nervous breakdowns, grudges. Then one day we're thrown into some hot water. A transition in our life - a graduation, marriage, birth of a child/grandchild, a divorce, a death. We pass through and everything changes. We get a new kind of normal. Hopefully some of those bad spots peel away. They are forgotten or don't matter anymore. We become a newer, shinier version of ourselves. Older, wiser, more seasoned. We come out stronger and better despite the bad spots.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "A woman is like a tea bag: You never know her strength until you drop her in hot water." Amen, sister.

Back to Basics

2008-02-22T09:09:00.001-06:00

After meeting, dating, and then marrying my husband I was relieved to think I would never have to worry about being single again. I wouldn’t have to go through the guessing and the wondering about where a relationship might take me. Although I sometimes miss the early days of being shy and feeling giddy, I am very proud of what my husband and I have accomplished to get to this point of comfort and predictability in our lives.
So I was done with the single, dating life right? Well, the truth is, as humans, we still thrive on new relationships now and then. When I moved from California to Illinois I had to make a choice. Was I ready for new relationships or was I destined to try and translate literature with my husband while he frustratingly drew power circuits to the most basic degree just to help me understand what it is he does all day? I needed peers. I needed moms. I needed friends...

So spending time with peers is terribly important in finding confidence and admiration for the great job you are doing as a parent and spouse. Right? Well, as a new mom in a new town, I didn’t have any friends let alone know anyone who had children. I had the same friends for so long that I actually forgot how to make new friends. It was almost like entering the dating scene again. You had to meet someone, find things in common, and decide if you wanted to spend more time together. Then one of you had to get the guts to invite the other out to dinner or hang out.
Well, as finding new relationships go, I had to be brave and understand that there are others out there just like me who were afraid of being too desperate and were too shy to “make a date.” Then I had to watch out for the personalities that clashed with my own. I didn’t want to be so desperate that I would force myself to like anyone who would give me the time of day.
So I took the plunge, just as I did when I met my husband for the first time. I started hanging out with people that I could relate to. I hung on to a few numbers of women I could talk to. I stayed receptive to the people who enjoyed my company the most. But, just as the dating scene works, you have to ask yourself if you truly want to commit to a friendship. Friendship does take time, and it’s not something you run to only in your time of need. You have to nurture it and keep your friends confident that you miss them when they aren’t there and that you can’t wait to see them again. The next thing you ask yourself is if you think any of the people you know even like you. This sounds harsh, especially among women with children (who are thought to have the loving and forgiving aura). This can be somewhat of a misconception. In fact, many moms are pickier after they have children. We don’t want anyone to hurt or badly influence our children so we are more cautious about whom we associate with, including other moms and their children.
Now you’ve decided that you want to commit to a friendship and that there are a few people who like you and are like you. You can wait by the phone and hope they pick up on the telepathy you are sending, hoping their confidence is higher than yours and they have the guts to call you, or you can be the gutsy gal who can take no for an answer.
So I took control of my confidence issues and during a few conversations with potential friends, I said, “We should get together sometime, seriously.” I added “seriously” because nowadays we throw these invites around just to be polite. More often, the less you struggle to meet the right people, the more likely it will fall in your lap. But, you have to be receptive when it happens and be prepared to be sincere. Then all you have to do is decide where to hang out.
In this process of trying to make new friends I have met quite a few people I can talk to about being a mom, a wife and a woman, and I’m happy knowing that I can give the same in return. Still, at the end of the day, I enjoy being with my husband and I’m glad that I can have so many friends, but only one of them has to live with me and watch me sleep with my mouth open.

Poliwog #1 - Created by Chryss Gon

2008-02-21T08:06:00.000-06:00

click on image to enlarge

Never Again!

2008-02-19T14:15:00.002-06:00

Of all the desperate actions we will take to save time and extra work as parents. I’ve witnessed the disgusting and crazy things we do to speed up inconveniences and move on with our lives. I’ve seen moms clean off their kids’ lollipops with their mouths after they’ve fallen on the ground...

Even I have wiped my son’s nose with my sweater sleeve or mittens. When my son began potty training this year he constantly requested the pink jellybeans in the bag as I rewarded him for his achievement. You can bet I didn’t waste any time. I went to the candy store and bought a half a pound of pink jellybeans. As parents we have to make quick decisions to make all the small things easy and save time for the more difficult tasks and experiences with our children.
Well, one event took place recently that put me a situation where I had to make things just a bit easier to survive a hectic experience. With the beginning of my story I’ll just go ahead and tell you the main moral of the story: NEVER FORGET YOUR PEN WHEN YOU GO GROCERY SHOPPING. If you have to make a list for the grocery store, it’s likely that you either have a short memory or a long list. Regardless of which, you need to be able to mark off what is already in your basket. I have a terrible memory especially when it comes to shopping because it’s not an everyday task. Everyday tasks are a piece of cake because you can feel those tasks missing when you skip them. Every-so-often tasks are a lot harder for me because I have to remember to interrupt my everyday tasks to fit in the every-so-often tasks.
Back to my story. I was headed off to the grocery store on a Saturday night (a little part of the week I like to call “THE WORST TIME TO GO SHOPPING”) and I brought my son along so my husband could get some work done (which makes this particular time also, “THE WORST TIME TO GO SHOPPING WITH A CHILD”). I had my list ready and my child in a great mood but I knew what I was headed for so I was mentally prepared for the worst. Among all the preparation I made the worst mistake ever. I FORGOT MY PEN. I realized this when I drove into the parking lot. I desperately searched the van, the diaper bag and my purse only to come up with an old pen in my purse that was, of course, out of ink.
“Aw, heck,” I thought, “I have my list, I can still do this.” Big mistake getting bigger. I spent the first twenty minutes and two items reading the list over and over to see if I had grabbed everything I needed in the household cleaners isle. At about 45 mintues I found myself going back to the word laundry detergent, wondering if I remembered to get it and checking the basket only to find I had. I did this nearly five times before I grew desperate. I pulled out the inkless pen and clicked it. I tried to draw out any remaining ink that may have magically decided I deserved its existence. Upon this action I realized that the paper I had used had to be thinner than any public toilet paper I have ever come across. So upon trying to force out droplets of ink, I ripped a hole in salsa (I think). Well, at least I knew salsa was off the schedule. So I decided that this was much better than reading the same items over and over and rechecking for them (which was mass confusion I tell you). So as this method became the only one available I continued to poke and rip at my list. It probably looked a lot like the Florida voting cards until the moment my son took a pull at the corner of list and from then on the list looked a lot like those wimpy, wimpy bags in the Hefty commercials. If I had it to do all over again I would have saved a lot more time by opening up a package of pens in the office supply isle and just pay for the rest, which I needed anyhow. I did however save my list from that day so that I could share it with others. (Figure 1.1) Click on the image to see all the details. I hope you can feel my pain by looking at the results and, with that, never forget to bring a working pen to the store. Learn from me.

Love, Marrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtha!!!!!!!!!

Emails to Heaven

2008-02-19T13:40:00.002-06:00

My son asked me the other day why some people don't believe in heaven. This didn't come as a surprise to me because I often lose sleep over the inevitable questions that will come out of my children's mouths someday. My husband and I do our best to teach our son the acceptance of the beliefs of others. He understands that we are all different and yet all the same. We are all human but we all see the world through our own set of eyes. He understands that we are just as odd to others sometimes as they may seem to us, yet that is what makes us so similar...

Anyhow, I explained to him as many different examples of religious and non-religious beliefs I could think of. I am, by no means, an expert at being P.C. but I live by giving examples to illustrate what I mean. When we were done, my son concluded our conversation by saying, "I bet a lot of people think we are strange for talking to someone we can't even see."
As small a moment as that was, it made me look back at all the ways I have depended on my faith to help me survive the harder times in my life. Today, as I searched for some old writing, I came across a letter I had emailed to my dad. It was an "email" to my Nani who had just passed away. I didn't make it to her funeral (which I will eternally regret) but I asked my dad to read the letter at the eulogy. Like most letters, I had written it and sent it off expecting never to think of it again. But, now looking at it, I saved a part of time that I can explain to my son was my way of believing in my faith. Even the date on the letter was a reminder of the time, it happened to be my birthday. Although the letter may not make complete sense to the outside reader, I hope it makes you ask yourself, what would I write?

January 22, 2006
To: Naniflowers@heaven.com

Dear Nani,

I think you know how it breaks my heart that I decided not to go to California and your funeral and services. But I also know that you will remember how much I love you. When I tell people that I lost my “grandmother” I didn’t hurt so much inside but when I first said that I lost my Nani I hurt very badly because that’s when it hit me. I’m glad that you went to heaven now because you had a chance to do so many things that you dreamed of and you were able to see all of your grandchildren grow up and have babies of their own. You also got to see one grandchild that was not so grown up. You were also able to see many great grandchildren born.
If there are things I remember about growing up and being with you I remember these things:

Your frijoles and rice
You used to give me pink sugar wafers for treats
You smiled when I went into the garage even though you knew Papa didn’t want girls in there
You let me sleep in one morning even though Papa was mad about it
You called me “mija”
You laughed at the funny things I said
You cut gum out of my hair one time
You had a window from your kitchen to the living room and I remember your face through there
You couldn’t hear very well
You always sang songs
You loved to dance
You bought me some crazy shirts at the second hand store and I wish I had kept them all
One day, you were shorter than me
You used to buy me presents from my dad and you always signed cards for him just so I knew he still loved me
You always asked how Dave was, and you really didn’t have to do that if you didn’t want to
You still loved my mom
Your dogs were always so crazy
You let Keith get away with anything
You let me get away with anything
You had the biggest heart
You loved everyone the same

There are many other things I still remember and I bet you remember them too. I keep wishing I could see you again and I told Ethan that I have been sad because I miss Nani very much and I didn’t tell him that you were gone, I just said that I miss you. Then Ethan patted my back and said “Don’t be sad mommy, you’ll see her again.” He doesn’t know how right he is.
I named him Ethan because the name reminds me of Nathan and now I’m very happy because even though my grandpas are in heaven with Nathan already, I think all children deserve to have a Nani nearby and now Nathan has you. I still want you for myself, but I knew someday we’d all have to share you. Nathan has waited a long time to see you again. Tell him I love him and I’ll meet him someday but not for a very long time, I have to watch my little boy grow up and I have to see all my grandchildren born and I’m very stubborn like my Nani so I’m not going to heaven till I’m very very old and have had a wonderful life like you always seemed to enjoy.
I miss you Nani.

ARMY-NAVY PLUS Motherhood = SURvival

2008-02-14T14:05:00.003-06:00

Dear Martha,

Are you a professional advice columnist? I'm just wondering because you handed me a card in the bank line the other day and I didn't know exactly what it was for until I checked your blog. Do you just go around handing out your card each day or did you pick me for some reason? Since I read it, I figured it would be fun to be the second person to appear on your blog.
My question is this:

I'm going to be a mother for the second time and we found out a month ago that it's going to be another boy. I have tons of boy stuff but my friends at work want to throw me a baby shower. I didn't know you could have another shower unless your next baby was of the opposite sex. Do you have any etiquette expertise? Also, other than diapers and wipes and diaper rash cream I don't know what to register for.
Sincerely,
Inadequate Knowledge of Etiquette

Dear Inadequate:
Mental Note to Self - Include "Limit 3 questions per entry" on business card.
Just messin’ with you!

I'm going to help you out as best I can and answer all of your questions. First of all, I am not a professional advice columnist. I’m an "opinionist extraordinaire". That means I can’t keep my mouth shut when some one asks me a question or I’ll explode. But I do my best to be nice while delivering honesty.

Secondly, I do go around handing my card out each day. I accidentally got 250 cards printed with my title misspelled. So I’m trying to get rid of them as quickly as possible so my husband won’t wonder why I bought more.

Now it’s on to your real question. I have no expertise in etiquette but whoever decided what the rules of etiquette must have dubbed themselves the experts and everyone else who didn’t have time to come up with it just said “That sounds good enough.” I spend a significant amount of time trying to figure out how to make everyone happy with birthday parties, play dates and other various social situations. I’ll tell you now that it’s impossible to do it all. So I think the etiquette on baby showers should be that, if someone offers you a shower, you take it, regardless of how many children you have and their sex. You don’t complain about the games they make you play and you don’t act like they shouldn’t have. If you’re on your second or more kid of the same gender and you are in need of a baby shower because you didn’t save a damned thing, then just be straight with someone you trust and who knows how to act like it was their idea.

On to the baby registry: I’m glad you asked this question because I actually want to know if there’s anyone out there who feels more prepared the second baby around (If you have multiples, then we’re talking about the second birth around). There’s a special place that I think should begin to offer a baby gift registry for parents who know have an idea of why they are doing this time. I call it the ARMY-NAVY SURPLUS store. If you’ve saved all your baby clothes and you still have half full bottles of shampoo, lotion and butt-cream, then it’s time to stock up on the things you’ll really need to survive this time. It won’t take much, but the ARMY-NAVY SURPLUS is where you’ll find it all in one stop.

Item #1 – A Sleeping Bag
If there’s one thing to help you get through the feedings every two hours it’s a sleeping bag. You’re going to need a heavy duty one to stay comfy on the floor. Especially if you want to avoid stumbling through your house smacking into doorjambs and wishing evil revenge on your significant other who managed to sleep through the hysterical cry of your hungry baby.

Item #2 – A Canteen
Once you get this keep it full at all times. Breastfeeding mothers may appreciate it more because it never fails once you sit down to feed your baby and your mouth suddenly feels like the Sahara. Good luck detaching your child to grab a glass of water after the fact. A detached baby cry can be deafening.

Item #3 – Infrared Goggles
This might seem ridiculous but it’s no joke. No matter how low the wattage of the light bulb I bought for my baby’s cute little bunny lamp, it could not be low enough to keep him from waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 3 in the morning. I’d just like to be able to pluck my child from his crib without poking him in the eye, but I also don’t want to wake him up and go back to try going to sleep again at 6 am when my 4 year old wakes up.

Item #4 – Walkie Talkies
If you have more than one level on your house this is the way to communicate when you have a little tyke. Part of my exhaustion in the first two to three months was forgetting something downstairs when up and upstairs when down. And to top it off my husband was nowhere in earshot so I found myself either screaming through the house or carrying a half naked baby up the stairs to get a diaper and praying he didn’t have to pee just at that moment. Not a physically exhausting task but mentally I started to lose my mind. Make sure you keep these low enough so it doesn’t backfire and you wake up your dozing baby. (Use of these could eliminate the canteen if you can contact someone for a glass of water.)

Item #5 - Swiss Army Knife
The great thing about the Swiss army knife is that it’s got everything you need to prepare you for round two. You’ve got scissors to cut all the little tags off your kids new clothes. You’ve got the little nail clippers to clip those little razor blades that don’t ever stop growing back and grabbing at your face. You’ll need the screwdriver because every battery operated toy your kid got for Christmas never fails to need a Phillips. And just to add bonus to this necessity, some offer a toothpick because, let’s all be honest, once you have kids you forget to brush your teeth more than you’ll admit. Take a moment while you're pacing with your drowsy child to take care of yourself. For the protection of you and your baby don’t forget to fold your knife away safely after each use.

These are just the basics, “Inadequate.” I hope they can guide you in some way for your second baby shower registry. If you’re too embarrassed to ask for these things go buy them yourself. And then when it comes to your baby shower, find comfort knowing you will never run out of diapers or wipes and enjoy your lifetime supply of butt-cream.

Signed,
Martha Y. Fish

Work Those Quads

2008-02-13T13:40:00.001-06:00

Dear Martha,
I just met you at the grocery store the other day and you handed me your card. I’m writing for two reasons: 1. Technically, I was closer to the checkout lane and you had more groceries so you should have let me through still. 2. Your card says you give advice so I have a question. Which public restroom stall is, statistically, the cleanest to use?

Sincerely,
Still Waiting in the Checkout Line

Dear Still Waiting,

I’m glad you wrote me. You’re taking the first step toward anger and curiosity management. I’ll address all of your concerns by saying
Numbering your concerns is such a considerate technique of writing.
True, I had more items in my basket than you, meaning I probably had been at the grocery store much longer than you, therefore with my last ounce of energy I had to maneuver my overloaded cart into the small space you left me while trying to decide which lane was the least busy. If it makes you feel better, they screwed up and charged me twice for bananas and I spent another half hour at customer service.
I can sympathize with your concern about the public toilets. I remember the day when the statisticians or psychologists or whoever decides to study this kind of business… I remember when they announced that, indeed, the first stall of public restrooms was the cleanest. This of course, as you probably realize, caused mass hysteria and long lines for the first stall, even when the other stalls were vacant. Some people even misunderstood the information and began sitting directly on the toilet seat thinking the “cleanest” meant “in the whole world”. Shortly after we began to realize that the first stall, after being used so much, was no longer the cleanest stall. In fact it was becoming the stinkiest of the stalls. So, you ask, which is the cleanest stall now? Good luck, until the experts come out with the new results. Here’s how I reason which stall to go into: DO NOT use the first stall UNLESS you have been on the road for 6 hours straight and have had one bottled water for every hour and the first stall happens to be the only stall. Using the handicapped stall is against the rules unless of course you have five children all under age 6. Let’s say there are three more stalls to choose from. Don’t use the one closest to the first stall because chances are those who avoid the first stall go for the most convenient next choice. I wouldn’t use the stall closest to the Handicapped stall either. That one is used often because there are so many people out there that try to get away with using the spacious handicapped stall and right before they go in, someone else walks into the restroom. The rule breaker says aloud, “I almost used the handicapped stall, that wouldn’t be right,” and they escape into the nearest stall right next to it. The middle one is not the safest answer either; it’s the happy-medium toilet. When those in despair about which of the five to use finally decide, they either flip a mental coin or just pick somewhere in the middle. Now I’m no statistician, but I would say wait till you get home if you can without damaging your bladder. But you’re in the restroom asking yourself this question for a reason, right? YOU HAVE TO GO NOW! Here’s my simple advice. Do The Hover. Use all the strength in your legs to keep your bottom from touching that toilet seat no matter which stall you go in. Do not touch anything! Especially not the toilet paper roll, it might fall out and you’ll be forced to sit on the seat to keep from falling over. “I’m too short,” you might say, or “My legs are too weak.” Well then you need to build a barrier of toilet paper around every centimeter of that toilet seat. If you have to become a barrier builder make sure you go to the restroom earlier and without urgency, you don’t want to pee your pants standing right next to the toilet with paper in your hands.
Again, I sympathize with your dilemma. I’ve been there. I’ve done the leg lifts for strength and wore platforms for height and to this day I do The Hover, whatever it takes to avoid the stinkiest toilets around. It’s all I can do to see another day. I hope this helps.

Sincerely,
Martha Y. Fish

P.S. If it's your kid that has to pee, work those arms. It's time for hover-assistance!