Communication Modeling

Are You Sending the Right Messages?

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 22:41:00 +0000

As a leader in a complex organization, you are a source of knowledge, direction, and motivation for others. You want to foster high performance and enthusiasm. Keeping top talent engaged and productive takes time and attention.

Sometimes in a crunch you are amazed at how well people perform, and at other times breakdowns occur and you wonder if you are having an impact at all.

If this is the case for you, your organization, or your clients, how do you make sure you are nurturing the kind of organization you want to have? Many companies use surveys and metrics to measure performance, which can provide useful feedback, though often generalized or too long after the fact.

When you assess your own leadership influence, how can you tell if you are sending the right messages, in real time, so that you can adjust with agility? How can the way you communicate reinforce healthy interdependence rather than passivity or resistance?

Here are some places to look.

Content and Context
Let’s say you are calling a meeting, maybe a conference call. You craft the agenda, being careful with the wording and ensuring that sufficient information is provided. It’s important to meet sooner rather than later, and there are ten people involved, so you send an invitation to the participants with the agenda and attachments.

Meeting time comes, seven people show up, three have read the material, and you receive two "can't make it" emails and an autoresponder that the other person is out of the office. The others are trying to open the attachments and find your email. There’s some confusion as to who was supposed to be on the call. There will be more tradeoffs in the decision than you would have hoped for, due to missing people and a ticking clock.

What happened? Even though you got the content out there, apparently it didn't get the attention you wanted. It’s not just that everyone is busy, although that’s true. If this has happened more than once, it’s clear that it’s not about what you are communicating, but about how.

It’s time to step onto your personal observation deck and consider the context. If you accept the premise that “the meaning of your communication is the response you get or the effect it has,” then you know it’s time for learning.

Conscious Competence
It’s helpful to have a framework that accounts for all the aspects of successful influence to achieve results while building relationships.
Using SYNTAX (see the “swirl” model), you can step through five aspects that will give you specific clues.

Being awake and on your observation deck in itself gives you many additional choices. Besides thinking through the content, you can step into the shoes of each team member and think about what’s in it for them. You can take an overview of the whole situation to see how best to make it flow, with everyone included that needs to be included.

With that assessment, you can address much more than the INFORM task, which is all you were thinking about when you wrote the agenda. Often we get deep into the matter at hand and can overlook the other dimensions of influence.

Rather than being a side trip, stepping through PLAN, LINK, BALANCE, and LEARN, in addition to INFORM, saves a lot of time and hassle. Conscious competence is an investment that pays off big time.

It’s All About the Request
The swirls, or arms, of SYNTAX all connect through the center, BALANCE. Balance is about making requests and agreements that move the action forward and build trust and cooperation.

When you step up and make a clear request, you are not just putting information out there. You are taking action, which engenders action.

When you convey a specific time frame with your request, you make the action a lot more likely to happen.

We often think we are making requests when we are just sending out information. Being consciously competent at making requests means you are putting your intentions into action and inviting others to respond. Crafting a good request is just one of the SYNTAX skills that gets you real-time results while modeling effective behavior.

Common Sense
This seems like common sense. What’s missing in many leadership moments is that we overlook key factors that determine the response we will get or the effect we will have.

As we grow our skills and influence, we develop our capacity for both focus and flexibility, which are characteristics of outstanding leaders. Balancing these means sending the right messages more of the time.

We have inherited some common sense that should be re-examined in the world we inhabit today. For instance, many people have a knee-jerk reaction that negotiation means opposition, or that your influence comes from the position you hold, or that it’s up to the listener to figure out what you are asking for, i.e. they have to "sink or swim."

These reactions send messages that you may not consciously want to send. They are often outside of your awareness or intention, and still they come across to the other person.

Modeling is the Most Powerful Form of Influence
Who you are and what you do has more influence than what you say. Are you willing to be authentic and take responsibility for the impact of your actions? If so, that is likely to show up in the people around you as well. For instance, if you were the one who was late for the last meeting you called, others’ expectations may shift accordingly.

So, Are You Sending the Right Messages?
The only feedback you really have is the results you are getting. As you succeed and see the people around you contributing with enthusiasm or at least good cheer, apparently you are sending the right messages.

You can observe how all aspects of SYNTAX are present in that outcome. This strengthens conscious competence for the other times.

When, as will happen, you encounter obvious or hidden roadblocks, engage your curiosity. Get on the observation deck and LEARN by trying out new choices. Take the context into account and build multiple dimensions of influence. You will be enhancing the conscious competence of those around you as you do so yourself. SYNTAX is a roadmap that makes this process tangible.

The ideal goal of of SYNTAX is for every workplace - or community - to be a place where people are fully able to contribute their talents. As you embody the messages you send to create the outcomes you want, you are creating that kind of community. Bless you.

Whose Lives Are You Shaping?

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 22:32:00 +0000

The motivation to work on ourselves--for instance, take a course, visit a therapist, join a mastermind group--is that we want something better in our lives. Whether it's a career step, a relationship goal, or a skill we want to develop, something is important enough to merit time and attention.

While these reasons are worthwhile, what about working on ourselves because of the influence we have on other people? In Western culture, we are more likely than in other cultures, such as Japanese, to set and go after individual goals. This may be even more evident in the workplace than in families and communities. We may undervalue the so-called "soft skills."

Teachers, coaches, health care workers, and such are very aware of how they are shaping the lives of students or clients. That is the work. Hopefully, they are receptive to feedback and continue to grow and learn as people-helpers. Their professional development deepens their skill and wisdom as guides.

Do managers take the same care about how they relate to employees?

Research documents the strength of managers' impact on the people who work for them. Managers' leadership skills are not only important for the success of the enterprise, they are also a major factor in employees' sense of self worth and motivation.

Managers, from project managers to top executives, are evaluated mostly in terms of productivity and profit. If they are held accountable for employee satisfaction or retention, it is secondary to performance. While these concerns seem to serve the company's interests, they don't account for the delicate human relationships that actually keep it together.

Managers are likely to be high performers who can be tough on other people as well as themselves. When you add in the pressure of deadlines, organizational demands, and urgent business issues, that tough taskmaster can come out and, without any evil intention at all, stomp all over the people who are nearby.

Perhaps instead the manager just fails to connect and communicate, leaving employees in the dark. The manager's inability to give feedback well, or make clear requests, or create a collaborative climate, might set employees up for failure or harmful competition.

In most organizations, it's really a personal choice to invest in how you relate to and affect people who work for you. In the long run, people who are acknowledged, challenged, and respected will show a return on the investment.

Invest in your ability to have a positive influence by growing your own skills. Start off by doing it for them. Then when you are getting a lot out of it for yourself, the return on your investment will at least double.

This can seem paradoxical. Helping your employees may mean putting time and attention into your own development, not just theirs. Students in our courses often comment that they wished their manager would have taken this course. It would make their work lives so much easier.

To go another step, it would make work much easier if the manager AND the employees learned some of the same concepts about communicating, effective meetings, clear requests and agreements, etc. so that the team could evolve together.

If you are a manager, or whenever you are leading people, tune into the responses you get when you interact with them. Maybe even ask them their experience of your communication, if you have already created a safe enough space for them to tell you.

Of course, SYNTAX is what we recommend for a way to empower others as well as yourself. Whatever the chosen method, consider that you have as much responsibility as anyone for the experience of the people you lead, and show up as the kind of leader you want to be. You are shaping lives.

How to Create a Ripple Effect

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 22:31:00 +0000

It’s not what we get done in the time we spend working, but the impact of what we do that matters.

The impact can go far beyond our immediate accomplishment. How we communicate makes all the difference.

Think about all the leverage one action can have. Here are a few of the ripples from anything you do, whether it is to call a customer, hold a meeting, even send an email request:

getting the task done
making progress toward a bigger goal
facilitating other people's work
teaching and transferring knowledge

While we are getting it done, we can also be

building relationships
upholding values
validating people
creating a high-performance culture

Each action can be a stand for something we believe in. It can send a clearer message than any amount of words can do.

Sometimes we create a ripple unintentionally, not necessarily the one we want. For example, an email criticizing someone that is "accidentally" forwarded.

Even that can turn out to be an opportunity if it is used to open a conversation that would otherwise be hidden. In general, though, that's not the ripple you want to send out.

My colleague Ken Kirste, formerly at Sun Microsystems, comments that one of the main benefits he received from learning and teaching SYNTAX was that it allowed him to stop his internal rehearsals and actually learn from his interactions with people. As a result, relationships improved with bosses, colleagues, friends, and family.

I know that many people learned from Ken's practices and passed them on to others. In fact, someone who worked for Ken in the past told him recently about being in charge of a group of volunteers. Ken says,
"Everyone was chaotically rushing about when she called them together and instructed them 'Go Slow to Go Fast.' She said I would be surprised how much it calmed everyone and produced a much more efficient group."

According to Christakis and Fowler, authors of the book Connected, we have a direct impact at least three degrees out. Our friends' friends' friends influence us, and are influenced by us, on "a broad range of attitudes, feelings, and behaviors...as diverse as political views, weight gain, and happiness."

So, friends, let's all be in favor of political fairness, slim and healthy lifestyles, and lots of happiness! If we can choose what we want to ripple out, why not?

If you do want to create a big ripple effect, this is your time. Nowadays a message can go much farther than ever before. The Web and social networks make it possible to reach more people in less time with less expense. When your intended audience is very specific, you have a better chance of having a noticeable effect with them.

Messages that carry have certain qualities, including

resonance with something people are thinking or feeling
relevance to their identities or immediate situation

People resonate with stories, with emotions, and very much with messages that articulate what they are thinking. Even if not relevant, resonant messages have wide appeal. They spread quickly.

The most relevant ones are the ones that get action. This is why it's so important to know the audience you want to reach.

All the skills of influence come into play to create your ripple effect. Using SYNTAX,

set your goal, including whom you want to reach
create positive relationships with those you want to influence (marketers call it KLT - know, like, and trust)
make clear requests and agreements
exchange high quality information
keep learning from the feedback you get

The truth is, you already have a ripple effect. What do you want to do with it?

DON'T Solve That Problem!

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 22:30:00 +0000

Is problem-solving part of your job? If your answer is "Of course!" you may benefit from looking again before jumping into fix-it mode.

When we pride ourselves on being great problem-solvers, we may be missing out on the value our problems have for us. That sounds like a weird thing to say: of course, we want problems solved.

If we are good at solving a particular kind of problem, we are motivated when we see one of those. We perk right up and do what we usually do to solve problems. "Oh, yes, I know how to deal with this."

It's likely we will get to solve that kind of problem over and over again. Or we could be solving the wrong problem, as did the designer who only put the legally required number of lifeboats on the Titanic so the deck would not be cluttered.

Let's slow the process down for a moment. Something has emerged from the flow of work that is labeled a "problem."

How do you react when you see, hear, or feel that there is a problem? How does that affect the outcome?

The crucial first few moments have a huge impact on how this is going to go. Skillful leaders train themselves to make the most of those moments.

Whether you are solving business problems, technical problems, personal problems, or all of the above, extract all the juice from them.

One or more of these ideas may yield an easier or more effective way forward or an unexpected gift. Choose a worthwhile problem and before you send that email or call that meeting, consider:

Assumptions

Notice your immediate assumptions and conclusions. What seems obvious? What other interpretation could there be? In his recent book,Thinking, Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman points out that our automatic mind filters out whatever doesn't fit our assumptions. We don't question them, so there is an amazing amount outside of our awareness. As he puts it, "What you see is all there is." Reduce blind spots by actively questioning assumptions. For instance, ask "What's important to us about this?"

Emotional Intelligence Pause and check your feelings. What are they telling you? In addition to your here-and-now response to the situation, what else is triggered? Is there an emotional charge about this? You can use this situation to bring up and clear feelings you have about this situation or similar ones in the past.

Root Cause

What allows this problem to exist? Is there something we can change upstream that will prevent this from happening? Can we solve it so it doesn't occur again? It's even worth asking whether there's some psychological or political gain in keeping things the way they are. If so, is it time for that to change?

What If?

Ask "What if...", for example,

What if this doesn't actually belong to me? What if I don't do anything? What if I do something totally different this time?

Even if you don't act on the "what if's" they can free up your thinking.

Desired Outcome

Reframe the problem as an outcome.

What do I / we want?

What will that get us?

How will we know when we get there?

In SYNTAX we encourage ourselves to ask these questions for any significant action.

Gratitude

The fact that the problem has become known is a gift. Perhaps it brought up something important to talk about. Or opened a door to a new possibility. What is the positive intention that led to this problem? Is there a way to honor that intention and find a better alternative?

However it turns out, since this problem has had the nerve to come into your life, make it pay. When you have squeezed more out of this breakdown than you may have expected, OK. Go ahead and fix it!

Are You Making These Mistakes in Getting Results?

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 22:28:00 +0000

At times, we all need to get someone else to make a decision. Whether it’s about signing off on a project, buying our product or service, or making reservations for dinner, results depend on someone making a decision.

The thing is, they will make the decision their way. They can't do it any other way, and if they try, they will most likely be unhappy with the result.

Have you seen this to be the case? Have you, or someone close to you, said, "I knew it wasn't going to work out. I shouldn't have gone along just because I was talked into it."

When we really want something for the other person, or need something from them, our good intentions can actually get in the way of how they NEED to make the decision.

Here are three common mistakes that block our effectiveness at helping others make good decisions.

Mistake #1: Putting our attention in the wrong place. When we are so attached to our own agenda, or really working on the best way to present our offer, or just nervous and worrying about how we are doing, our attention is on ourselves and not the other person. This not only keeps us from getting the information we need from them, it also unintentionally conveys that we are not really interested in them. Bad move for gaining trust.

Mistake #2: Being logical. Or, more specifically, using your own logic rather than the logic of the other person. Even if you listen carefully to what the other person wants, you are likely to organize the solution using your own logic rather than the sequence or emphasis that feels natural to them.

If you offer services to others, the more you know about how they think and decide, the better service you can provide for them.

Mistake #3. Leading too soon or too much. People who are great at influencing have a wide range of behavioral flexibility. They can move quickly or they can be more deliberate to match the pace of their client. They don't rush decisions. It's a lot easier to avoid this mistake if you are avoiding mistakes 1 and 2 - so that you are listening and following the other person's logic.

Correcting these mistakes shows the other person that you are being responsive to them. If you genuinely want to get decisions that are mutually beneficial, follow their logic and provide the information that they need to make a good decision for them.

Not only will you get better results in the short run, your relationships become stronger over the long run.

Change the Game

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 22:04:00 +0000

Mahatma Gandhi's message, "Be the change you want to see in the world," sounds simple. It's a profound reminder that we need to consider how our choices express our values.

In everyday situations, it can be easier to see what needs to be changed than to get it done. Anyone who has worked in a complex organization has dealt with people and systems that seem to block solutions.

Mature workers (of any age) have learned to work with, through, and around these people and systems, and that is generally a good thing.

Sometimes, this ability is a liability. The status quo has a tendency to perpetuate itself, blocking innovation and needed changes. People who are keeping it going are often blind to the part they play.

When Eric Berne wrote the book Games People Play fifty years ago, he used the term "game" to refer to repetitive series of interactions that result in a predictable, negative, outcome. This type of game is mostly played outside of awareness, so it can take a little digging to discover how you could be contributing to a situation you don't like.

The ethic of self-reliance has a side effect of keeping such self-reinforcing routines going. Bringing up an issue or complaint can be risky. That's when it's tempting to collude by keeping your mouth closed.

When, despite the workarounds, not solving the problem enables a negative situation to continue, true leaders step up and find a way to intervene.

The distinguishing characteristic of game-changers is that they consciously design their way out of negative routines. It can be messy, as people who followed Steve Jobs' professional life can testify. Or it can be conscious and elegant as you bring influence skills into play.

When you are in a nonproductive or repetitive situation, three skills and three steps can give you traction while maintaining diplomacy.

The three crucial skills are:

1. Describing the facts

2. Developing a full representation of your desired outcome

3. Getting on the other person's map.

We will walk through these and then share the three powerful game-changing actions you can take to move any situation forward - especially those in which you feel stuck.

The first step, which is to tell the truth about what is going on, is very helpful to me when I find myself struggling. The hardest and most rewarding part of that is to take ownership of my own reactions.

As long as I am focusing just on what other people ought to change, I won't be part of the solution.

If there's something that's been bugging you, find a quiet moment and observe your feelings and thoughts about the matter. Do you notice anything familiar about your responses? Have you been here before? That's a good sign that you may be playing into the problem while intending not to.

Join us tomorrow for our 45-minute teleseminar where we will explore the three skills, go over the three steps that change the game, and end with the one quality that will help you do it.

If you cannot attend and would like to listen to the recording, please email syntaxoffice@syntx.com and we will send you the link, which will be up for the coming week.

Managing the ADD of Everyday Life

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 22:17:00 +0000

How to handle distractions, overwhelm, and procrastination and still get somewhere.

Do you have days that just seem to fly by, full of activity, and you feel as if you have gotten nothing done? Life happens at an increasingly complex and rapid pace. You would be unusual if you weren’t paying attention to multiple streams of information, internal conversation, relationships, work, schedule, decisions, and more. Keeping track of our goals, having a sense of progress, may seem out of reach.

As it turns out, knowing your outcome is a saving grace when living in an interrupt-driven world. Sure, we can recognize that uninterrupted quiet time is best for challenging work or creative invention. When we don’t have that, or when we have just too many things competing for that time – and when life throws us extra stuff that has to be integrated (i.e., IRS Audit, parent care, child care, house move or remodel, refinance, buy a car) – it can be downright discouraging.

Here’s a ray of light to help us deal with the overload. Sure, the 20 things on the to-do list may be there longer than we had anticipated. Just the same, if we ask ourselves three outcome questions once in a while, and put attention on them just long enough to anchor the desired result that we want, our wandering activity path will still bring us closer to where we want to go.

On top of having an internal gyroscope set on our desired outcomes, another benefit of that momentary attention on a specific goal is that we can look back and quell our picky voices by seeing how far we have come on our path, even if we don't have hours of focused time to work on it.

I heard a story as a child about two people who each had the task of digging a hole. I can still see in my mind’s eye the image of a big hole and a big pile of dirt. One of the people walked by every day and took a shovelful of dirt out of the hole. The other guy waited until the last minute and had to work very hard to catch up. The one was whistling and the other was panting. I took in the lesson that tasks can be easy if done bit by bit.

I may not be able to finish all that I want to do today, and still I can make progress – if I have thought about my goal.

Alan Lakein, one of the classic time management gurus, called this the “Swiss Cheese Method” of carving out manageable chunks of the overwhelming task. It feels great to come back and finish something that is mostly done already.

If you have something that is hanging over your head (may I mention that it is time to get your taxes together?), take a moment to focus on it and ask yourself the three outcome questions:

What do I want to accomplish?
What will that get me (and others)?
What will I see, hear, and feel or do that will convince me it is completed?

Step into the experience as if you have just finished the job. See what you’ll see, hear what you’ll hear, and feel the effects of doing it.

Now let that go and do one little task that leads toward the result.
When your day splays out in unplanned directions, those little tasks can turn wasted time into steps forward.

The fast pace and multiple distractions are not going to abate any time soon. We make a mistake when we put off tasks until we have “enough time.” Then we rush like crazy or miss the deadline.

OK, enough. Go ask yourself the questions and do that little task!

Love and Work

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 18:51:00 +0000

Today is Valentine's Day, when we think a lot about love. Most of the focus is on romantic love, hearts and flowers, and all that.

Let's take a moment to recognize another aspect of love: the love we express when we work.

Gifts from the Heart

No matter what form your work takes, when you show up and contribute energy, smarts, and time, you are sharing your uniqueness.

You may think of your value in terms of the tasks you perform. Yes, that contribution is important.

How you do those tasks and interact with people is at least as important. You have a direct effect on the well-being of those around you. Perhaps you wouldn't say you love every one of those people. Just the same, they feel your presence -- and your love.

Even better, what is good for you, i.e., whatever nurtures your soul, gives you joy, makes your day, is also good for the people around you.

Doing Work You Love

A real luxury in life is getting to do work that you love. Those moments of being fully absorbed, creating results, helping people, learning, succeeding, and being recognized, are sources of motivation.

If this is a frequent experience for you, congratulations.

If you don't have much of that, guess what? It is up to you to get creative in your career. Whether by enhancing what you are doing now, or following your heart to make a change, or finding a way to do what you love outside of work, you have to express your gift.

An Underrated Resource

For some bizarre reason, work cultures often undermine or discount the gifts of the heart.

HR manager and author Tony DeBlauwe has identified a condition he calls EAD, or Employee Adaptive Displacement, which names the hidden demoralization of many people at work. You can read his recent blog post and download the full paper for more of Tony's insight.

These workers' hearts are not engaged. Not only are they unhappy, they are not performing at their potential.

Engaging the heart has many benefits. The Institute of Heartmath offers statistics proving that the heart has many times more electrical current than the brain.

They and others also show that appreciation and gratitude reduce stress and increase health at work. There are lots of reasons for your left brain to buy into the love thing. Today, use the excuse that it is Valentine's Day!

A Round of Appreciation

Why not add a few ounces of appreciation for yourself and others today?

Start by recognizing the commitment it takes for you to do your work, to offer your skills, and to help the team.

Give yourself some appreciation for that!

Look around, either in person or in your mind, at the people in your work life. Is it not some form of love that they express each day?

It may seem strange to think of our presence and our contributions as love. Try putting on that filter and experience the giving and receiving of love that constitutes work. Open your heart to the possibilities.

Share the love this Valentine's Day. Namaste.

(You can read the Messenger, including Why Influence? at http://emailbrain.com/new/viewnewsletter2.aspx?SiteID=9958&SID=1&NewsletterID=1065542)

Who Wins? Influencing for Mutual Benefit

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 16:03:00 +0000

It could have happened to anyone. I was on a rare visit to a mega shopping mall to exchange a Christmas gift. There in the middle of the shoppers, displays, and kiosks, I had a moment of uncertainty about where to find my destination. Immediately I was approached by a young woman from a kiosk. She asked me a question and I didn't catch what she was saying at first, so I turned to hear her.

By that time, we were discussing whether I knew about collagen and she was offering me free samples. Enough rapport had been created for me to come over to her booth and sit while she applied lotion to one side of my face!

Both she and her manager then exerted some fine influencing skills with the goal of making a sale. At first, it was a sale of several hundred dollars worth of products that would last me a year. The deal was actually not outrageous at all. By the time I left, I was being offered a $59 deal, due to my very good fortune of being there when the manager just happened to stop by.

I was on my way to a particular store with one errand in mind, and a desire to get home soon. The fact that I even considered the purchase is a testament to their selling skills.

Applying a SYNTAX Influence filter, I observe that they definitely know their goal. They also adjust it based on their assessment of the situation. We move from a full line of products to "which one do you like the best?" The attractive young woman built rapport, first enough to draw me in, then enough to discuss where she is from, my own family background, our ages and skin, and how wonderful the product is.

I accepted the offer of having the stuff put on me (though I would have been happier if they did both sides of my face!). They did their best to lead me to the next goal. I made the counteroffer that I would take their contact information and think about it. Because I was clear on my goals, I could engage with them and still decline their offer.

I laughed when someone else working for the same company approached me at the next corner. I told her I already had the product on one side of my face. She began to use several of the closing strategies they had used--how lucky I was that she could make an exception for me and give me the best price.

She didn't have much hope of building the rapport this time, as I was no longer in a moment of unclear destination and I already knew the scoop. She did help me locate the store I wanted to find. I received the benefit I needed and was soon enough on my way home.

Was there anything they could have done to get me to their outcome? Maybe not. That's the benefit of keeping my goals in mind.

Did they achieve part of their goal? Yes, I am attracted to their products and might actually plan to purchase one item from them in the future. I will have had time for my own decision strategy to work. I don't usually decide on an unplanned purchase without sleeping on it. For sure, I know more about their product than I did before.

At another time or context, if I were less grounded, unclear on my goal or if I didn't feel as free to decline the offer, the outcome might have been different.

To be truly masterful in a relationship-based sale, they would have detected my decision strategy and worked with it; as it was, they were in a transactional sale where they either ring the cash register or they don't.

If they interact with enough people, I imagine they make enough sales to do well. Retail is tough, especially out in the mall corridor. I speculate that this particular group, from a culture where bargaining is much more direct than in most of the US, has much more freedom and range to use selling skills than, say, a midwestern US native.

When we are influencing others, our flexibility is a big factor in who wins, i.e. whether we get the outcome we are after. Short term, the most flexibility wins the day. I believe that to be truly influential you have to take the other person's outcome into account. In longer term relationships, nobody wins if both don't win.

The best influencing skills are those that find a way for all parties' needs to be met. If it weren't for my moment of disorientation in the mall, I wouldn't have engaged with the sellers in the first place.

When I choose to enter a conversation or negotiation, it is in part because of a desire for mutual benefit.

My interaction with the skincare ladies was mutually beneficial - it went just as far as it served both of us. I had fun and I hope they did too!

How to (Almost) Read Minds: Teleseminar replay

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 00:05:00 +0000

How valuable would it be to know how to tailor your communication so it makes the most sense to the other person?
To be persuasive to them?

How to (Almost) Read Minds
with Lucy Freedman
Join me for a 45-minute tour of your sphere of influence. Learn how to tune in to what is important to your customers, co-workers, anyone you want to influence to get things done.

Email syntaxoffice@syntx.com for the link to the replay.

Ethics of Influence

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 16:50:00 +0000

Last week I was invited to be the guest on Hollis Polk's internet radio show, "Your Life, Your Relationships." As I prepared to talk about increasing our influence in personal life, I realized that the use of power in personal relationships is a deep and complex subject.

Influencing at Work

Usually, when teaching or coaching in a corporate or government setting, I encourage each person to be as influential as possible. Assuming that your intentions are at least somewhat on behalf of the organization and its customers, you want to be as influential as you can in carrying out your role.

In large systems, getting anything done relies on influencing skills combined with position power, intelligence, and leadership. One of my favorite things about influencing skills is that anyone can use them and be powerful.

Influencing in Personal Relationships

Influence also happens in relationships with family and friends. In personal life, the question of who gets his or her way is different from what happens at work. Where there are children or elders, the capacity of the participants is unequal. The nature of the family unit or community is that it exists for its own sake, not simply to accomplish external goals.

Within that context, there may be greater felt constraints on how we influence, as well as an overriding need for harmony.

The idea that we would consciously attempt to influence our family and friends might seem foreign, and even unethical. as if we were scheming against them. The idea that we would not be attempting to influence them is pretty far out also.

Of course we have influence within our close relationships. It may not work as well as we would like, and we might not admit it. Whether we like it or not, we influence just bybeing there. We can't not influence each other, so let's be conscious of how we do it.

Are You Playing Games?

Whoever has the communication skills to influence others is going to get his or her way more of the time than someone who doesn't. This can be aboveboard or it can be more devious.

In transactional analysis, maneuvers that discount someone or something are called "games," and are basically unethical ways to influence. Typically, they don't even accomplish the intended goal for the person who initiates them.

Ethical Influencing

Consider these three qualities that can make our influence more ethical - i.e., not scheming against our closest relations.

1. Concern for the good of all.

If it's genuine, then any outcome we have for ourselves will take others' needs into account.

2. Respect for each person's own version of reality and appropriate stage of development.

Even if my plan seems better for someone else than theirs, they get to decide for themselves. This, of course, has to be modified when the person is four years old or sometimes when he or she is incapacitated.

In general, people can be allowed to decide more for themselves than their close relations may want them to. Beware of power games that interfere with respecting the other person's point of view. When in doubt, consult with someone who is not a party to the issue.

3. Transparency.

If we withhold relevant information, or are not willing to say what our intention is, or try to get someone else to do our dirty work for us, we are setting up a negative payoff either sooner or later. It's a good self-test--would I be willing to share my thinking with the person I am trying to influence? If not, I may be up to something that I've rationalized to myself which is really underhanded.

If these three principles are honored, the rest is up to skill.

Are you good at conveying what you want so that others can hear and be motivated to support you?

Are you able to say no diplomatically and hear it with grace?

Have you invested enough in others' emotional bank accounts that they are willing to invest in yours?

As you step forward in 2012, make your family and friendships a source of cooperation and joy in your life by exerting your influence with ethics.

2012: What It Means

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 01:32:00 +0000

Every new year is an opportunity to re-set our expectations, our intentions, and our attitude just by recognizing our movement through time. 2012 has been imbued with additional meaning, all the way from "the end of the world as we know it" to our more immediate issues of politics and social change.

From the Mayan calendar we learn that we are in transition times from one cycle of almost thirty thousand years to the next one. It may be hard to believe that human beings could be tuned in to such long cycles that reach so long before our memories and so far into our future.

We do know that we are part of larger cycles of time. Most recently, the Age of Aquarius was heralded as a time bringing in a new peaceful order. As we look and listen to what's happening now, it can seem that we are going in the other direction: unrest, poverty, climate change, civil and international wars.

Some say that this is a stage of clearing. When you go into a room that has been darkened and you turn on the light, you may see a lot of dirt and cobwebs that were not visible before. I love our ability to reframe our experience so that we can be encouraged in the face of discouraging circumstances.

There are many examples of how people rise above extremely tough times. Even when Viktor Frankl was held in a Nazi concentration camp, he refused to let his captors take away his dignity and hope for humanity. Christianity is built on the triumph of hope over despair in the story of Jesus. We have all probably been inspired by someone in our own lives whose light overcame darkness.

We are all capable of that kind of transformation. Even on a minor scale, without being imprisoned or crucified, we have the choice of turning on a light for ourselves and for others.

We may need reminders of this on a regular basis. I know I do. Whether it comes in the form of a notable year, a moment in time, or inspiration through challenges near or far, it is up to each of us to pay attention to the reminders.

Whatever the large-scale events, threats, or calendars bring to us, transformation comes back to being a personal choice. As we enter 2012, how willing are you to clear out negativity, reach out to people who could use your help, and "be the change you want to see in the world"?

Listen to how you speak, be aware that each action has a ripple effect, and remember that we are all in this together. That will give meaning to the year 2012 for you and those around you without having to know whether the Mayan calendar or any other cosmic turnings really hold sway.

I personally like the message of the book 2012: The Transformation from the Love of Power to the Power of Love by Robert Roskind with Mayan elder Tata Pedro Cruz, which shares the ancient knowledge for our modern time.

That is my wish for you, dear reader, that your life will be filled with the Power of Love in 2012.

Gaining Influence in Your Career - Interview by Tony DeBlauwe

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 19:19:00 +0000

http://www.examiner.com/human-resources-in-san-francisco/gaining-influence-your-career
Please visit, enjoy the article, and leave a comment there!

Choosing Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 04:54:00 +0000

What is happiness? What does it take to be happy? We all want to feel happy. Do we know how?
It seems we were born knowing how. Babies show their feelings -- and happiness is definitely among them.

Sometimes we fall out of the state of happiness and want to find ways to get back there. Various aspects of these Happy Holidays can be stressful, including basic things like bad weather, traffic, or too much to do.

Well-known NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) author and trainer Suzi Smith spoke about happiness on a webinar this week. Happiness has been shown to increase longevity, and has health benefits, in addition to being desirable in itself.

She reminded us of several basic NLP techniques for returning to a happy state of mind. One was to become conscious of the content of our thoughts. If they are negative, change to positive content. For instance, when you make a mistake, look for solutions and learning rather than beating yourself up. The important thing is to become conscious of those negative thoughts.

Suzi told some good stories and used NLP anchoring to give us the choice of waking up to a happy day when our feet first hit the floor in the morning. Thanks, Suzi, for that holiday gift!

There is so much in NLP, and in Suzi's wisdom, that she was able to go over many useful strategies even in a short session.

One of the interesting things that came up was a participant, I think from Germany, saying that his clients ask, "But what about all the things I have to do?" I think how we handle that question is the key to maintaining a happy state of mind.

Thinking about what I have to do has several drawbacks. One is that it can take me out of my body and the immediate present. Another is that it can invoke worry about future actions. I can start feeling stressed and under time pressure. The feeling of being rushed and having too much to do gets in the way of my feeling happy.

The positive intention behind thinking about what I have to do, i.e., getting me to do it, is worthwhile. I do want to be motivated to take care of my responsibilities and accomplish my dreams.

This intention can be accomplished with joy. I find it easier to do it with joy if I connect with my real motivation - the reason I have to do whatever it is.

In most cases, what I have to do is to keep myself and my loved ones happy and well. That is a joyful prospect and I am glad to do it. I appreciate the reminders that bring me back to that awareness.

Yesterday at a meeting of the South Bay OD Network, speaker Karen Colligan brought up happiness in the context of work. She had us think about a time we loved what we were doing. It's great to be able to have that kind of feeling while earning a living.

If it turns out that your job is not what you totally love doing, you have the choice of focusing on the things it allows you to do that you do love.

My work has some parts I don't love doing. It helps me to be happy doing them when I step into the feeling I'll have when they are done. And then remember to savor it when it really is done. I just love that cleared-off desk!

OK, you probably have much bigger things to be happy about than clearing your desk. Focus on those!

Happiness is contagious. Research on social networks* has shown that we are 15% more likely to be happy if someone we are directly connected with is happy, and 10% if a friend of a friend is happy. We are even 6% more likely to say we are happy if our friend's friend's friend is happy. Even if we haven't met them. The researchers conclude that "having more friends is not enough--having more happy friends is the key to our own emotional well-being."

So let this note be a reminder to be conscious of your thoughts, choose happiness, and be sure to spread it around.

*From the book Connected by Nicholas A. Christakis, MD, PhD, and James H. Fowler, PhD. 2009.

Gratitude and Renewal

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 23:58:00 +0000

Lagging behind Canada by more than a month, we in the US will be celebrating Thanksgiving tomorrow. For most, it's a big family, food, and football day.

It's also a time to appreciate the good in our lives. It turns out that we are making ourselves happier and more effective when we are grateful.

The Rutgers University newsletter tells us that "Expressing or feeling genuine appreciation can have a powerful influence on emotional outlook, psychological well-being, interpersonal bonds and even problem-solving, according to Rutgers psychologist Nancy Fagley, who conducts research on appreciativeness."

An important point in the article is that appreciation can be learned. We need to exercise those muscles of appreciation to counteract the tendency to take things and people for granted.

Whether with family and friends or by yourself, you can renew your feelings of gratitude in many ways.

Here are some ideas:

1. The gratitude list. Start a list of what you appreciate. Keep it at hand for reading and for adding more.
2. Think of a few things you are grateful for before going to sleep at night. This seems to increase a sense of satisfaction with life.
3. Start a round of appreciation at the Thanksgiving table. Everyone says something for which they are thankful this year.
4. Write a thank-you note. When was the last time you did that without being obligated to?
5. When someone thanks you, rather than quickly dismissing it with an "It was nothing," take it in, savor it, and mean it when you say, "You are welcome."

Writing this reminds me of how much I appreciate my family and friends, the place that I live, the work I get to do, and you, for taking the time to read the Messenger.

I wish you time for gratitude and renewal throughout the holiday season.

How to Get Out of the Drama

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 00:13:00 +0000

We say we don’t want drama in our lives, especially in our interactions at work. Drama usually means unpleasantness, frustration, conflict, lack of productivity.

If it meant “real drama,” i.e. the joy and sadness of life, or dramatic performances that make us feel and reflect, it would be OK. It’s the unnecessary drama, the interpersonal politics, the constant irritants that we don’t want. They take up energy and distract us from getting important things done.

WHY is there drama?

As any team member or manager knows, people tend to play non-productive games in times of stress, when they feel threatened, or when they are bored.

Some people can stir up tension with remarkable regularity. Others fall into drama in response to triggers such as layoffs, new policies, rumors of closings or reorganizations, complaints, and either getting too much direction or too little, either too much feedback or too little.

In other words, workplace drama has plenty of possible material. If asked, most people would say they don’t participate or don’t want to.

We all play games some of the time.

Few people are skillful at recognizing their own hooks that get games started or keep them going. Dr. Eric Berne’s 1962 bestseller, Games People Play, named this phenomenon and began to provide clues to getting out of the drama. His student, Dr. Steve Karpman, contributed the Karpman Drama Triangle, capturing the three main roles of Rescuer, Persecutor, and Victim, which we all play when we engage in games. And yes, we all do engage in games some of the time.

The more hooked we are, the harder it may be to recognize that we are indeed participating. It is helpful in avoiding games to be very open to recognizing how we are hooked and the roles we play out.

Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim Roles

If we are overtly critical and harsh with others, we are playing the Persecutor role. If we are often going out of our way to fix and solve things for others at our own expense, we are playing the Rescuer. If we keep finding that people let us down and we get the short end of the stick, we know something of the Victim.

As a rule, we do not want to see it when we are hooked, so it can take active investigation to uncover how we are keeping an undesirable situation going. All these roles can come in socially acceptable disguises.

If something’s happening that is non-productive, especially if it seems repetitive, it’s likely that people are playing all the roles; Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor; in some way.

Dissolve the myths

The way out of the drama begins with yourself. You have to dissolve the myths that go with the roles, usually beliefs that diminish your ability to stay positive and get on with it.

· To move out of Persecutor, you might have to see that the other person’s point of view makes some sense too.

· Moving out of Rescuer might mean saying a difficult “No.”

· Whenever you think you are someone else’s Victim, remember how you got here and what choices you are making now.

Almost always, drama conceals feelings and wishes that have not been communicated. Unspoken requests and expectations leave room for people to create their own dramas, feeling judged and thus victimized, or judging others from a persecuting or rescuing perspective.

Clarify requests and agreements

A very good bet for stepping out of the drama and on to whatever is next is to clarify any requests or agreements that you have with the other person. “You agreed to have that report done by today and I haven’t seen anything about it so far. Is it under way?” is a lot better than worrying and glaring, and having the other person spend their time figuring out what you might be upset about.

A genuine tone of clarifying, rather than a disguised Persecutor or Rescuer attitude, will come across as intended. If you step into the other person’s shoes and listen from their standpoint, you can probably tell if you are coming across with a hint of judgment.
This is the hardest and most important part of stopping drama -- owning your part of it.

Don’t see your part of it?

When your part is hard to figure out, and the drama is continuing, it is time to ask a friend or a professional for coaching. Someone else’s observations may help you recognize the unintended, unconscious, but still active, ways that you are participating, and help you see new options.

One thing for sure: if you blame the situation or the other person and don’t find new actions for yourself to take, your claim not to want the drama doesn’t hold up.

Once you, and hopefully, the other person, are out of the cycle of drama, it might be worth a good laugh and a reminder not to take anything too seriously.

Read the whole newsletter here.

Reaching Consensus in a Crowd

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 19:49:00 +0000

You may have seen in recent news the so-called “people’s mike” in demonstrations on Wall Street and around the US. This caught my attention. It began as a result of the demonstrators not being allowed to use a P.A. system.
Whoever is speaking says a phrase or two and the people standing there repeat what was said so the larger group can hear it. It is pretty dramatic for the words to be broadcast not by electronics but by other people.

As a facilitator, I am always interested in group process, in what tools we have to communicate effectively with each other.

The Occupy Wall Street group in San Francisco holds General Assembly meetings in a park near the Federal Reserve. I had an opportunity to experience their decision-making process for about half an hour. That allowed me to get the basics of how people are chosen to speak, how they facilitate interaction, and how they can reach consensus in a fluid crowd of passionate individuals.
Anyone who has pulled together a project or led events or meetings has had to deal with fluid crowds and / or passionate individuals. I wondered how it was possible to keep it focused out in the open air with a diverse, self-organizing group of people.

This group in San Francisco had basic assumptions that everyone had equal rights to speak and respond, and had a voice in making decisions. With those values, they elected someone to facilitate who explained the signals they used. The structure of how to reach consensus in a group was revealed.
The way people got to speak is that they signed up in order. One volunteer took charge of keeping track of who was to speak, “the stack.” They had timekeepers with signs to let people know when they had 30 seconds or 15 seconds left.

What I found most interesting was the mechanism for how people could express their response to the speaker. If you wanted to give a direct response, you wagged your two index fingers back and forth, pointing at yourself and the speaker. This wasn’t to be used to express disagreement but to answer a question or ask a question directly. If you want to speak your own point of view and disagree, you line up in the stack.

While someone is speaking, the crowd expresses its responses, making this a very active way of hearing speakers. If you want to show your response, you can, or you can just listen. To respond affirmatively, you wave both hands in the air with your palms toward the speaker. If you are responding negatively, you hold up crossed arms.

Decisions were made by consensus, not by majority vote. The facilitator explained that to say yes, thumbs up. To say you are not in favor but don’t want to block the action, you point a thumb to the side. If you want to block the action, you hold up a thumbs-down. The facilitator had to read the thumbs. If there were lots of thumbs up, before moving on he would say, “Are there any thumbs-down that I can’t see?”
If someone wanted to block a motion, they would be asked to say why, and they would work it out with the proponents of the action until the group reached agreement.

Certainly in this group, patience was required to stick it out. For people who had committed to camp near the Fed, they had time to work through every point with the group. For a business meeting, I might suggest employing some of the tactics (well, maybe the handwaving and crossed arms could be kept out in the park) that would create inclusion and ownership of results. The method of asking for “thumbs-down” and an explanation is a good way to keep the thinking open and robust.
In online meetings and teleconferences, some form of this can happen when the platform allows responses, polling, and other means of interaction. More real-time visibility, feedback, and input methods encourage remote participants to feel empowered and to contribute.

For me, it was inspiring to see people in a crowd work well and participatively with each other. We don’t always need a commander in charge. A skilled facilitator, on the other hand, enables any number of people to think and act together.

Being Influential

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 19:46:00 +0000

Do you have good ideas? Are you sometimes frustrated when they go nowhere? What do you do when you run up against resistance or just can’t seem to get a response?

For problems to get solved, for innovation to occur, for collaboration to grow out of conflict; new ideas and solutions are needed.
And yet, it may be difficult to dislodge the status quo or even get a hearing for a new idea. Organizational decision-making can be complex or unclear. A lack of confidence in yourself, your ideas, or your standing may hold you back.

Alternatively, when you do succeed in making a difference, you feel good, and valued, and that your work is worthwhile. Things may not be perfect where you work but they are moving in a good direction. Influence is a motivator.

Being influential is not merely a result of position power. Influence is a set of skills that can be learned and that need to be honed as you grow in your career. SYNTAX is the result of modeling and distilling the crucial ways of acting and being that create influence. It exists to help people with good ideas get them across and acted upon.

Take something that you would like to have happen in your workplace, an idea you would like considered, a solution you can offer. What are the first thoughts that come to mind? Here are the seeds of your own personal syntax, the kernel of how you organize for influence. Starting from there, SYNTAX helps you bring your contribution to others so that they can get on board, make decisions, and take action.

As a launch pad, answer these questions about your idea.

What do I want to happen?

What will that get me / you / us?

How will we know – what specific evidence will tell us – when this is done?

Outstanding influencers can answer these questions for themselves and for the people they want to reach. Knowing everyone's intention, motivation, and evidence creates the needed focus for forward motion. This comes from Plan, one of the five SYNTAX skill sets.

When you can answer these three questions for any idea you want to bring forward, your influence is guaranteed to increase. Your ability to influence increases exponentially when you add in the other four skill sets. Your personal syntax becomes supercharged for influence.

We’re here to provide tools and guidance for you to create your unique roadmap with your own personal syntax as a starting point. That’s the purpose of the Messenger, and the purpose of SYNTAX courses, coaching, and consulting.
Join the influential people who have found out how much more of a difference they can make when they put SYNTAX to work for them. And today, enjoy the benefit of asking yourself “the three questions” for something you care about.

A Brief Lull? Use It!

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 20:21:00 +0000

I was inspired by a couple of blogs on what to do during boring meetings or conference calls. I agree with the writer that if you don't need to be there, you don't need to be there. Solve that.

Even in worthwhile, non-boring meetings there are lulls. At a conference, waiting for a talk to begin. A break between phone meetings. The time to sit and think while taking a bus, train, or plane. An alternative to fretting while waiting for that slow download.

The BNET blogger, Laura Vanderkam, got me started with one of her suggestions for a meeting: "Look around the room and think of one genuinely positive thought about each of the participants." I like that one. You will feel better and you can bet you will have better rapport in your interactions.

You are an energy source. You can take that moment of lull to be aware of the energy you are holding. If it is not what you want to feel or share, take the moment to breathe, listen to your inner dialogue and notice your mental images.

Ask what is needed to shift your mindset. Maybe what will come up is a problem to solve or an irritant you can re-frame or address. There may not be an immediate answer. At least you can label and file it for creative solutions later. Then free your mind to be in the present.

It's true that changing the inner conversation produces a change in results. Nonetheless, I sometimes find I can't get much change working at the level of my conscious internal dialogue.

In moments of quiet I may be able to pick up the smaller voice, the little nag or self-criticism that is so familiar I don't even notice it. Catching that thought during a lull in what I'm doing can lead to a hidden treasure in the form of old programming that I am ready to release. Later I can take time to journal or reflect or counsel with someone to help me let go of the deeper self-sabotage altogether.

Here are a few other handy fallback thoughts for when there's a lull.

Gratitude List. What am I grateful for today? Right now?

Top Priority. What is my main focus in work or personal life? Keep it in mind in random moments.

Messages to send. To whom do I want to send good wishes, a thank you, just a thought?

Intuition. Open to the sense of knowing, receptive to a deeper awareness. What idea or wisdom comes in as a thought or image? Maybe jot it down or ask further questions and let answers arise.

And the best of all: just breathe and be present. Enjoy being alive in this moment. Put attention on what you are experiencing with all your senses. Hush the voice that says you should be doing something more "productive."

A brief lull gives us a chance to remember that, as a favorite prayer says, "In this moment, all of my needs are met." Ahhhhh.

How to Break the Communication Barrier

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 21:53:00 +0000

Is there someone with whom you have built up a barrier to communication?

Perhaps you reached an impasse years ago and still work with this person. Perhaps you know what you want to say and do not feel you can say it, or maybe you are not clear at all. For whatever reason, there's a wall between you.

It's hard to talk with him or her, and it's different from the many work relationships where you and others get along fine.

If you would prefer that the wall weren't there, here are some steps to take.

First, what are your assumptions? We commonly assume that the correct solutions are obvious, the other person's position is unchangeable, that they are not rational, and that we have no responsibility for the breakdown.

Recognizing and questioning those assumptions can open the door for dialogue.

The next important step is to be careful NOT to jump in and give a good explanation of where you are coming from. Invite a conversation and then listen.

Listening through what the other person has to say may be difficult. Listen without interrupting, and with empathy.

If you find you are not able to listen through, take time to reflect. Maybe take out a piece of paper and write out your thoughts. Speak with a friend or communication coach to sort out what's in the way and to build the skill of listening well.

If you can do this, there are few barriers to communication that will stand.

Now and the Future

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 21:17:00 +0000

It’s easy to see that what we do today is creating our future. How else will we get where we want to go?

Since the only time we can take action is now, everything is really about the immediate moment.

We can take action in the present and have a sense, however clear or hazy, of where we want to go. The more we sense that today’s actions are leading toward a future we want, the more creative and productive we feel.

Radio host and psychic Hollis Polk recently pointed out a useful distinction in thinking about the present and the future. She said that sometimes we have a long-term goal that conflicts with our short-term reality. There may be times that NOT taking a step is a better choice, when other priorities are more important.

Wow. Do you, like me, criticize yourself for not achieving all your goals at once? I value my strategy of taking small steps toward major goals, and being consistent, so that I will reach the end. I have been revising our book, Smart Work, it seems for a long time now.

The most recent step has been to ask for feedback from readers. While that happens, I am not working on the book as consistently as I was. In the short term, this allows me to get some other projects under way. It also gives me a chance to return to editing the book with new perspective. I hope the product will be much improved.

With Hollis’s suggestion of separating the long-term goal and the immediate priorities, it’s easier to hush the internal nagging. In the bigger picture, progress is being made.

There are plenty of things I can do today that also lead to my long-term goals. One of them is to bring more clarity to what else I want to have in play when the book comes out.

Most readers of this column will recognize that inner push to achieve that can get us overly focused on a particular outcome. Even if I am not procrastinating, there is more to do than I have time for. It can feel like constant pressure. None of my tasks is more fun or comes out better because I am under pressure.

If I stop to breathe, feel gratitude in the present moment, and reflect on the bigger picture of who I am and what I want to do, I am getting somewhere too.

Remember that the connection between the short-term and the long-term does not have to be linear.
Enjoy your summer!

What Coaches Bring

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 22:06:00 +0000

Invaluable resources that help you get where you want to go

Some of the most important benefits of coaching may be the least quantifiable. Coaches come from a variety of backgrounds, different types of coach training, many motivations for wanting to help others in this way. Some of the gifts coaches bring are more tangible, some less obvious.
We can't always put our finger on exactly what made a difference. From the clients' perspective, it's the outcome that matters, in whatever way the coach helped them get there.

Some of the gifts coaches offer:

Listening. When the coach listens, the client has a witness. While talking about a situation, the client has an opportunity to sort through what is important and what is just a circular story. Through deep listening, the coach provides a safe space for exploration as well as the sense of being understood, which meets a profound need we all have. Goals that are spoken have added clarity and strength.

Discernment. The coach gets to know you and can offer feedback that is finely tuned to where you are. Discernment comes from experience and intuition. When you don't see how you are contributing to a negative situation, or holding back, or missing an opportunity, the coach's discernment calls it to your attention.

Expertise. Many coaches offer specific expertise, such as business, finance, speaking, sports performance, wellness, parenting, relationships, etc. At times a coach may give instruction or direct advice, observe you in action and give feedback, or recommend readings or trainings. While coaching is not the same as teaching, an expert coach can greatly accelerate learning.

Devotion. Coaches are devoted to their clients' success. They help define and hold the space for people to reach beyond their current level of skill, satisfaction, and accomplishment. When the client loses track or begins to flag, the coach is there to remind and redirect. The coach holds the client in positive esteem while mirroring the hopes and dreams that make the journey worthwhile. Coaches are there consistently while the world swirls around.

Creativity. When you run out of options, call on your coach to help break through to a new level of creativity. Whether as a sounding board, brainstorming partner, or cheering section, the coach helps keep creative juices flowing.

Each coach brings unique qualities and techniques to the process. Working with a coach in any field ensures that you have these resources available to you.

(This article originally appeared in the June newsletter of the Silicon Valley Coach Federation).

Are You Walking Your Talk?

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 05:07:00 +0000

What does it take to live up to our ideals?

We all hold certain theories about how people should behave, from our earliest family teachings to the great new technique we learned in a seminar. How fully do we put our theories into practice? It’s easy to see how others are behaving and not necessarily how we are.

We want to believe that we act according to our values. What happens when someone gives us feedback that they don’t experience that from us?

Often, we deny it, or say we didn’t mean it. Or do we take that feedback and really explore what kept us from acting as we believe we should?

Whether we espouse our theories of behavior to others or simply think them to ourselves, it takes effort and attention to get out of automatic responses and be conscious of what we do. Once conscious, it takes practice and sometimes mentorship or coaching to act consistently according to what we believe.

For example, there are plenty of people who don’t think you should speak negatively about someone behind their back. Even so, it’s easy to find instances where we may be venting our feelings and in the process trashing someone else.

Or we think of ourselves as being open and honest, and then find we are holding back information because we fear others' reactions.

Or we want to be compassionate and then someone steps on our last nerve and we feel justified as we snap their head off.

At that moment, theory holds no sway. We may or may not even be observers of our own behavior. It's amazing how much we can delete the aspects of what we do that we would not approve of in someone else.

Self-Assessment
Some people have a basic life position in which they feel superior – they see themselves as more likely to be responsible and effective than others.

Some think they do OK – most of the time, meeting their expectations and not being overly critical of themselves or others.

Some people assume they are falling short, and will find evidence to support their self-criticism.

No matter whether we believe in our superiority, adequacy, or inadequacy, the gap between our intentions and our actions may be equally large.

In fact, when we hold ourselves as superior, it may be harder for us to take in feedback that we aren’t living up to expectations. In this life position we may blunder on even more than someone who assumes they always need to do better.

Once we have recognized that it’s a continual process, not a one-time deal, to bring our intentions into practice, we can set up the internal and external support that we need. Then we are walking our talk more than we are in the common state of denial.

Awareness and willingness to take feedback and work on it are more important than having a perfect shining record that we have to defend.

A Space for Learning
To live up to our ideals, we need

permission for ourselves to make mistakes and to be aware of them,
permission for others to give us feedback,
and opportunities to try out new behaviors.

We also need unconditional support, i.e. to remind ourselves that we are OK and not damaged goods that have to be hidden or fixed.

Whatever our life positions (and tendencies to ask for help or not), a coach can accelerate our learning by helping us with that support, permission, and practice. And playfulness as well.

Acceptance without Complacency

A life paradox is that when we accept something in ourselves or others, it’s easier to change than if we continue to resist and criticize.

Thus a kind of moebius-strip thinking is required: we learn new ideas and hold certain values about how to be in the world, spoken aloud or to ourselves. We have to recognize the gap between where we are and where we want to be.

We need to make changes while accepting ourselves as we are.
That last part, accepting ourselves as we are, may be the bridge to walking our talk. It may also be the most challenging.

(Read this issue of the Syntax Messenger here.)

Meaningful Action

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 23:56:00 +0000

We want to know that we are having an effect

More than money, more than prestige, most of us are motivated by a sense of purpose, the sense that our actions make a difference. Our choices of when and where to act, and our definitions of what is meaningful, are as unique as we are.

When we feel in alignment with our sense of purpose, it is easy to move forward and gain traction. When we don’t – or when we are distracted by immediate conditions – we feel frustrated or resigned.

In many cases, it’s hard to know what effect our actions are having. This may be a result of our own fuzziness: we don’t know what we want. Or it may be a result of not getting feedback. In some workplaces, people can labor on for weeks without receiving responses to work they have submitted. They have to create some kind of meaning to keep going. Maybe we don’t know our effect because our vision is long-term and big-picture, and we see both progress and obstacles.

A SYNTAX skill that is good to have is the skill of defining goals and recognizing what is meaningful in them. Making evidence explicit gives us indicators of forward motion.

Not knowing what effect our actions are having could be the result of goals that are not well-formed: we are trying to have someone else change and no matter what we do, we are not in charge of that. It is a distraction from creating our own meaning.

At a very basic level, I can get feedback on actions I take – if I turn the corners of my mouth up, I feel happier (each time I re-read that, I like the result). As my goals get large, wanting to have an effect in the world, the results are less and less easy to control and harder to measure.

One of the unique aspects of our individual paths is the extent of the difference we want to make – and do make – in the world. Highly visible people, from politicians to rock stars to TV hosts, send huge ripples through the culture, though none can control the results.

All of us who are less famous have to use our own personal Nielsen ratings to know our reach and whether we have made the difference we want to make.

When we play in finite games,* i.e. those which have a set ending and certain rules, we can take home a trophy when we win. Our name will live on in memory as long as that kind of trophy lives on. Many people’s lives are meaningful because they are pursuing excellence and recognition in finite games.

We may play in finite games as part of a larger scheme of things, and the trophies are not where the meaning lies. We see some celebrities who demonstrate that, as they go beyond winning awards to becoming messengers. Tom Hanks, Oprah Winfrey, and Steve Martin are among those who come to mind.

When we play in infinite games; which are those that have no specific ending, have rules that evolve, and that aim for participation and for the continuation of play; the results are less predictable. This realm is where breakthroughs can occur.

However large a net we cast, we all want to know that we have an effect, preferably a positive one. The path to a positive effect may include having to hear negative feedback and use it as a learning step, making us aware of what we didn’t know that we didn’t know.

To feel that our actions are meaningful, we need to define what matters and go in that direction. It is helpful to find community with others, since we can feel alone in our unique journey.

It is also helpful to have sources of solid feedback for ourselves personally, for our causes, and for our organizations, so that the stories we weave on our journeys result in genuine contributions to the well-being of life.
One thing for sure: signals that our actions are having an effect help us thrive. It’s something we all want. Besides noticing how you are setting your own goals and gathering feedback, how can you provide motivating feedback to other people today? Your meaningful action will have a ripple effect.

(*See Finite and Infinite Games by James P. Karse for deep and extensive discussion of this concept.)

Knowing Our Limits

noreply@blogger.com (lucyfree) — Tue, 10 May 2011 20:05:00 +0000

Finding the edge without falling over
If you set high expectations for yourself, you push until you reach a limit. It could be that you run out of time, or knowledge, or stamina. It could be that something breaks or doesn't work for what you need. This is part of everyday life for all of us in the techno-business-media world.

We live in narratives of unlimited possibility - you can do or be anything you set your mind to. And we have our limitations. How do we balance on the edge?
We are amazing creatures, to be able to manage the systems we deal with on a daily basis. Just think of all you have navigated so far today: car, computer (or several), cellphone. Did you visit Facebook or LinkedIn, and go through your email? Did you use a spreadsheet, a calendar, presentation software, and a word processor? And communicate effectively with family members and co-workers both near and far?
Last week I was listening to a talk about expanding our awareness and our recognition of how multidimensional we are. Later, in yoga class, the teacher asked us to hold the entire field of our body and all our sensations in mind at once. It was very enjoyable to feel the energy and potential available.

In my moment of expanded self-awareness, I decided that I would like to increase my compassion– beginning with kindness to myself as I held the more difficult poses!

Given the limitations of what I could physically perform, I was aware of my frustration and self-criticism. Pushing oneself in yoga or in any form of workout is a great chance to observe both limitations and how we respond to them. Often the frustration is something we just tolerate, without awareness or conscious choice.

When we are up against technology, i.e. computers and electronic communication, we get to deal with other kinds of limits. We are so blessed to have these extensions in the first place, and then we get to deal with their limitations!
In the flow of working on a team project, I received several email messages about attachments I had sent, due to having used Oracle's (formerly Sun's) Open Office program. I had not remembered that whenever I use this software I have to save it into the dominant software format for others to read it.
I imagined a dialogue with the makers of Open Office. They have certainly done their best to get their free software out there – no doubt working hard to make it compatible with other programs, enticing corporate customers to adopt it as a standard, asking for feedback. Yet, there are limits to their reach, which cascade out to their users and the users' networks. Their competitors are clearly not on board, not even offering to convert the files.

When confronted with these limits, we choose the workarounds that we can find most easily. Sometimes we jump through a lot of hoops to get from point A to point B.

In this material / technological world, no one knows enough to manage all of the systems. If we tried to learn them all, we would run into the limitation of time anyway. We just can't.

Whether the limitations are due to history (we can't change the programs too much or they won't be able to read earlier versions) or technical capabilities or competitive strategies or human frailty, we will keep encountering them as part of the overhead of progress.

Eric Berrne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, said that we are motivated by thinking we are irresistible, immortal, or omnipotent. Advertisers know this. It's popular to act as if there are no limits. Especially if you buy their product, subscribe to the belief system, attend their training.

Ironically, I like to quote Richard Bach's famous line, "Argue for your limitations, and they are yours." Today the message is more about gentleness and tolerance.

When we experience limitations we are reminded that we are not omnipotent. In fact, we live in a world so complex that we must overcome apparent limits all the time.

Without lapsing into self-pity, we can stop the criticism and channel the frustration. Despite the transformational hype, the limits to what we can do are not a reflection of inadequacy.

Rather, they can serve as reminders to be compassionate to ourselves and others, and to ask for help, sooner rather than later. One of the most valuable skills of a good coach is to help clarify our priorities. We will not overcome every limitation, and we need to address the ones that really keep us from the joy and satisfaction we seek.

As I began to put this together, reflecting on our limitations, the power went out. The full realization of our interdependence - and our shared limitations - comes when some system that we depend upon breaks down. I could still type on the one computer that had Open Office, as it was charged up. Couldn't get to anything on the desktop computers or online. This time I could get to the workaround and laugh about the coincidence of timing.

My hope is that as we are faced with many challenges and limitations, the seemingly individual ones and the collective ones, we will have enough humor and compassion to untangle ourselves and focus on what's really important - and what we CAN do.