Red Lobster Blog

Hey ladies! It's summer time.

2013-05-17T15:39:00.003-05:00

It is that great time of year again where water remains in its liquid form in the outdoors - summer time - aka construction and/or mosquito season depending on where you live (both for me).

I just wanted post a quick reminder to all you ladies out there about your fashion choices.

I'm a tall man, and when I walk up to the table where you are seated, I inevitably will be looking down at you with a few exceptions in most Red Lobster bars. Back in my olden days, I'd actually squat down or kneel down next to my booths to get at or below their eye level. This was also advantageous because I could hear people better.

But as I aged (read as my knees went to shit and back began to betray me...) I largely had to stop doing this. So I'd arrive at your table and regularly get a nice view all the way down your blouse to your belly button ring.

I know when you were at home looking the mirror that your lose v-neck summer weight blouse seemed like a good idea. It doesn't look all that bad on your frankly. But it is more revealing than you might realize. Just standing here I can see that lefty got a double piercing and you have a long hair growing out of righty.

Believe me, I'm not some prude opposed to looking at free titties. But I suspect that this is not the intent of many of you ladies when you were going out to dinner. And I'm not talking about the trashed out skanks where this was the intent to begin with. If you come in wearing something from Madonna's concert wardrobe that basically says "please stare at my rack all night long" I won't fell bad if you're getting checked out. Though ironically, more often than not if you are wearing that outfit, you're NOT the woman we want to look at anyhow. Though our old bus boys were less discriminating...I digress.

So as you are picking things out ladies, keep this top view in mind if you care about your modesty. And when you forget, the male servers of the world thank you.

Other runner-up views are side boob, sleeveless boob views through the pits, and the always reliable bending over down blouse view.

And yes, I should be applauded for not including a picture...

Red Lobster policy changes - Out with the new and in with the old(er).

2013-05-04T14:45:00.001-05:00

If you haven't heard, Red Lobster has recently reversed course on the changes they had made to their rules for how many tables a server can take at one time. Sandra Pedicini of the Orlando Sentinel covered it here.

Let me explain for you the depths of this corporate clusterfuck.

When you as a company, make intentional, strategic choices that force the best service staff your company has to offer to leave the company for greener pastures and then you change rules to disastrous effect there is no one to blame but corporate leadership

It should come as no surprise to you when you try to give the left over green servers and largely incompetent remains (there are still a few good people undoubtedly) more tables, that it is a recipe for disaster.

When I started serving for Red Lobster, first on the floor by myself, I got a 2 table section. I gave those tables great service, proved my ability over a month or two, and was finally given a 3 table section. I lived with that as I learned the ropes for probably the next 12-18 months. Maybe longer. I made fine tips, learned to do my side work while managing my tables, and advanced to the point I was helping other servers on top of this. It was roughly at this point I became a server trainer. I was also at this point given the opportunity to take shifts where when we would cut staff it would mean I might have a 4th or even a 5th table for brief periods of time. Again, I did this for a year or so, until I was finally given the opportunity to be a closer. In those days, especially on Friday and Saturday nights, being a closer was like hitting the jackpot on some weekends. After everyone was closed and most everyone had gone home, it wasn't uncommon to get a little late rush. 6 tables? No problem if you rotate between me and the other closer. 7 tables? Sure, just seat the bartender one in the rotation. 8 tables? Now I'm getting busy, but I'll put off my closing sidework until after close. At roughly 9 tables I'd better get a manager to start making salads. But we could do it, and still give good service because we had slowly worked our way there. Now I won't contend that my 9 table service is equal to my 4 table service, it isn't, but it was still surprisingly good. As long as they are clustered in one area where I can quickly survey them all for needs, I could keep up. And since these periods always were short, and the tables were at various stages of dining, it was possible. 9 tables at once is not possible if they all walk in at the same time BTW. Good workflow, good habits, and being on the tail end of getting everything stocked before people leave for home sets this up to work just fine. And the money would roll in. I closed 5 nights a week 50ish weeks a year for this very reason.

But in the current mess Red Lobster corporate leadership systematically drove away their best servers over the past few years. The best trainers, the experienced, hard working people who had been in the trenches for years and sometimes decades started to flee the company like rats jumping ship. I called out this warning on many occasions here on the blog. But unfortunately, Orlando (corporate HQ) has shown time and time again that it is in a bubble outside the real world of the day to day operations of their restaurants. So gone were the best of the service staff due to the enforcement of 3 table sections. Gone were any good newcomers who were unwilling to be indentured servants known as "server assistants" for months on end. Gone were the good bar tenders who could competently take tables. And you were left with a bunch of green, incompetent and largely untested servers. And you added another table into the mix without making many of them ever earn it. And the shit hit the fan.

Customer complaints skyrocketed. Comps climbed like a thermometer in the sun in Phoenix in July. Staff were stressed, management frustrated and kitchens irate. All because there was no wisdom nor vision at the top of the corporate structure. I've warned for years that Red Lobster has lost its way, and it was because the brain was dead while the body kept on working.

So on the heels of all this, Red Lobster has had to take back the 4th table so people who probably have yet to be proven to be 3 table ready can get back to barely getting by and keep their heads above water. Sad. To think that people get stock options to screw things up this badly is hard to fathom.

I feel especially bad for the few remaining rockstars who due to various life circumstances have had to stick it out through all of this. People who couldn't leave because Red Lobster is still the best option in their town in spite of this. People who had to stay for the health insurance. People like that will once again be punished with a 3 table section due to the lowest common denominator principle of service. When you as an organization are making corporate wide decisions based on the least competent of your service staff, you're in deep, deep trouble. Red Lobster, you were great at one time, but now you're reduced to this. 3 table sections, 1/2 price Lobsterfest meals, losing your best staff and destroying your culture. I'm glad I liquidated all my Darden stock a long time ago. I won't be losing sleep for you as you brought this on yourself.

To the Boston Marathon bomber(s)

2013-04-16T09:45:00.000-05:00

Fuck you. Yes, you read that right. You can fuck straight off.

This is America. We will find you. We will not be intimidated. I don't care what your unholy self serving agenda is, you will be stopped.

I'd like to encourage my government to institute public crucifixions for all who were part of this plot. Whip them, beat them, nail them to a cross on the White House lawn as an example for all the world to see. Don't fuck with us or we'll hang you out there to die slow and miserable like.

And when you die after a slow, torturous last few days and you arrive in hell, I'd only ask that you be placed in the pit for the outhouses in hell. A deserving place for you to be.

NCAA Basketball Tournament

2013-03-22T21:45:00.001-05:00

I'm not a big basketball fan, and this is especially true of the college game (men's or women's). But I do seem to always get sucked in to a few games this time of year via the men's NCAA tournament.

One thing I have taken note of this year is the exceptional branding the NCAA has done with their product. While some of the games are being shown on the largely obscure TruTV station, and many others on TNT or TBS, a significant number are on good old broadcast CBS. But that's not the great branding job. Where the NCAA has hit it perfectly is by making ALL of these games available for viewing online. That is outstanding. Take your very best product and give it away to everyone with internet for free.

I sat in a restaurant late last night watching some of a game on my phone. At no charge. Installed an app, and off it went. You want to build your base, this is how you do it. You don't do it by burying your best games on NFL network. You don't do it buy having a League Pass. You don't do it by creating something called "Insider" and charging extra for it (yes, ESPN, you're not above criticism in this).

Sure, the NCAA has gotten a sweet TV package to support this, but they've gone above and beyond where they didn't have to. While I'm normally on the outside looking in at these games because I don't care, I've been drawn in more this year that probably any other, and it is because I can follow the game from my office, to the bus, walk down my block and into my house and not miss a dribble, no look pass, or buzzer beater 3.

Well done.

The only direct thing this has to do with Red Lobster is that I've seen a crazy amount of surf & turf ads via these games from Outback Steakhouse. Looks like a good price for their steak and lobster. I might have to check it out.

A drunken Irish blessing

2013-03-17T08:38:00.001-05:00

Is there any other kind?

Drink be with me, drink within me, don't drink behind me, don't drink before me, drink beside me, drink to win me, drink to comfort and restore me. This leads to drinks beneath me, drinks above me, passed out in quiet, our lives in danger, fear in hearts of all that love me, drinks in mouth of friend and stranger. I bind unto myself the taste, The strong taste of whisky, wine and women; By invocation of the same. The Three in One is grand, and One in Three is nice for me, Of Whom all debauchery hath creation, Eternally hung over, spirit in my cup, words of wisdom for all: Praise to the drink of my salvation, Whisky is my king.

My ex is an Irish woman from the Boston area, and that seems about right for her family. To her credit, she turned me on to Irish whisky. While not my preferred Scotch, it'll do in a pinch!

If men and women swapped roles at the gym

2013-03-01T01:08:00.002-06:00

Hilarious!

Identifying hot ad women

2013-02-21T02:17:00.001-06:00

My new distraction for the day:

http://whoisthathotadgirl.tumblr.com/

Ever wonder who some tight little nameless hottie was in some commercial you saw? This is the place to find out.

It's amazing how many of the women I look at on the site having paid no attention to them in the actual commercial, but now that they are featured it becomes obvious they are beautiful. I guess I'm getting old and losing it or going blind (or both...).

I hate your car's stickers

2013-02-19T10:43:00.000-06:00

Unless your sticker says "My doberman could beat up your honor student and then hump his leg while your child lies there crying and soiling himself."

And what is it with GLBT people's cars? Just how many stickers do you folks need? I have yet to meet a gay person whose car wasn't stickered. Even rich gays sneak one in there somewhere.

And while we're on the subject, what is it about Subaru's that make them so attractive to lesbians?

This is the kind of shit that keeps me up at night now. I need more scotch to turn that part of my brain off.

Lobsterfest 2013 - It's the most wonderful time of the year!

2013-02-17T02:13:00.001-06:00

Best time of the year to be a waiter at Red Lobster is Lobsterfest. Big tickets, big waits in the lobby due to Lent and Easter. Not enough to get me out of retirement, but tempting to pick up a couple of shifts just to have a bit of fun. Only tempting though, no way I'm doing it (nor would they probably let me at this point).

If you want my opinion - the Lobster Lover's Dream is my favorite. If I want something light I'd go with the Harborside & skip the drawn butter. If you've had a true "bake" on the NE Atlantic coast, I'd avoid the Bar Harbor Lobster Bake. If you've only lived in the Midwest and never had fresh seafood on the coast you might be surprised to find you like it. And the Lobster Tacos sound like a good idea until you get to the last taco and it is cold, runny, and a bit funky. It's a good idea, but I don't think it will be on next year's menu.

Featured menu items for 2013 Lobsterfest at Red Lobster:

Wood Grilled Lobster Tacos

A wood-grilled split Maine lobster tail and three lobster-and-shrimp tacos with cilantro slaw, fresh pico de gallo and spicy ranch sauce.

Maine Lobster & Shrimp Trio

A wood-grilled Maine lobster tail, garlic-grilled shrimp, and lobster-and-shrimp mac 'n' cheese with a white Cheddar and bacon sauce, topped with Parmesan crumbs. Served with wild rice pilaf.

Bar Harbor Lobster Bake

A roasted split Maine lobster tail, tender shrimp, sea scallops, mussels, and linguini in a garlic and white wine broth.

Rock Island Stuffed Tilapia

Fresh tilapia roasted with crab-and-seafood stuffing and topped with Maine lobster meat in a creamy lobster butter sauce. Served with fresh broccoli.

Lobster and Shrimp Linguini Alfredo

Wood Grilled Sirloin Surf & Turf

A succulent rock lobster tail and a peppercorn-rubbed center-cut sirloin, served with mashed potatoes.

Lobster Lover's Dream

A succulent rock lobster tail and sweet split Maine lobster tail, roasted and served with lobster and shrimp linguini Alfredo.

Harborside Lobster & Shrimp

A roasted rock lobster tail, savory garlic shrimp scampi and a skewer of garlic-grilled shrimp over wild rice pilaf.

Mucus Snot and Sinuses oh my!

2013-02-16T21:31:00.001-06:00

Pretty sure you couldn't force more mucus down my throat if you stuffed a fire hose up my nose.

This is what happens when you let children touch you. I should've known better.

Now I have to go get some pseudo-ephedrine like some fucking criminal meth head.

Damn you infectious diseases wrought on this world by children.

VD free this year

2013-02-14T20:24:00.002-06:00

Yep, I'm not missing working Valentine's Day. Maybe missing the fast cash a little bit, but I'll get over that quickly.

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

A little Colbert humor never hurts.

As a server at Red Lobster, Valentine's Day for me always ushered in my favorite time of the year - Lent. If you are going to ever make bank at a seafood restaurant, it's during Lent.

And Red Lobster provides the added bonus of Lobsterfest to add to the tally. Good times.

And since I worked in an area that has a pretty high concentration of Catholics for some reason, it was all the more better for my wallet.

A word to the wise out there - don't propose to your girlfriend/babymama/skank tonight while at Red Lobster. It's not a proposal story that is going to improve with age.

This sign would've been useful...

2013-02-12T10:01:00.000-06:00

This would've been useful for a couple of people I encountered this week. One guy on the train, and a lady at my gym. Beano folks, let's use it.

Cell phones - the scourge of the service industry

2013-02-09T22:01:00.001-06:00

I could rail on for days about assclow customers using their cell phones and being massive dickwads while doing so. I done a bit of that previously, and likely will cover it again in the future.

But this is about self-important shit for brain servers who feel like they must Tweet everything and get every single text message photo of their girlfriend's cat taking a dump the instant it is sent or the world may come to a screeching halt.

It won't. Put the fucking phone away dumbass. Sidework needs to be done, and where are you? In the corner playing pocket pool with your cell phone. You're at work. I just walked your last two tables of food while you were texting some skeezy dude who is going to bang you ditch you the first chance he gets.

I don't care if your wife/daughter/sister/grandma/pit bull is about to give birth. They can do it without you, or take the night off for fucks sake. Put the phone away.

As a long time server, I'm not one to complain about service, but if I see you using your phone, if your phone buzzes, beeps, vibrates or bangs while you are near my table, it is no-holds barred hell that I am going to make your life.

Be professional. Have some boundaries. Grow up. Put the phone away and go to work and maybe you'll actually make something of yourself in this life rather than just the self-inflated idea you have in your imagination.

Great Server Story - Speaking out IS the right thing to do

2013-01-24T02:13:00.000-06:00

This from Houston, TX via Today.

Waiter hailed as hero after standing up for boy with Down syndrome

by Lisa Flam, NBC News

A Houston waiter who refused to serve a customer last week did not lose his job. Instead, Michael Garcia is being celebrated for standing up for a little boy with Down syndrome, with people stopping to shake his hand at the restaurant where regulars are made to feel like part of the family.
Five-year-old Milo Castillo has lots of friends in preschool and loves to give hugs.
Courtesy Kim Castillo
Five-year-old Milo Castillo has lots of friends in preschool and loves to give hugs.

One of those regulars, Kim Castillo, was at Laurenzo’s Prime Rib in Houston last week when several waiters stopped by her table. Her 5-year-old son, Milo, who has Down syndrome and whose speech is a little delayed, was showing off his new words and talking about his birthday the week earlier.

A family sitting nearby asked to move away from the Castillo family's table, and a man in the group made a disparaging remark about Milo.

“I heard the man say, ‘Special needs children need to be special somewhere else,’” Garcia told NBC affiliate KPRC-TV in. “My personal feelings took over, and I told him, ‘I’m not going to be able to serve you, Sir.’”

“‘How could you say that?’” Garcia said he asked the man before he left the restaurant with his party. “‘How could you say that about a beautiful 5-year-old angel?’”

Castillo, who noticed the family move but didn’t hear the remark, was grateful when she later found out what Garcia had done, even more so when she learned that the other family were regular customers as well.

“I was impressed that somebody would step out of their own comfort level and put their job on the line as well as to stand up for somebody else,” she said. “I know Michael did it from his heart, and from reacting to the situation. I don’t think he stopped and thought about what he was doing.”

Of the other family, she said, "It's sad that they're ignorant."

Click through for the full article.

Red Lobster Margaritas and Tequila recommendations

2013-01-22T16:09:00.000-06:00

Want a sure-fire way to get your party going? Whip up a perfect pitcher of margaritas - Red Lobster style. But use good tequila. I highly recommend the higher end Hornitos lines - like the great taste for the price Sauza Hornitos Anejo. Yes, there are better tequilas, but bang for the buck you'll be hard pressed to beat that Anejo. I also really like their Commemorativo as well. Avion Silver would be my next step up from there. And if you want sex appeal in a bottle try Asom Broso La Rosa Reposado. And if you have more money than brains, you can't go wrong with the best tequila I've ever tasted - Patron Gran Burdeos Anejo. Tried it in Mexico on vacation last year, and wow. Mixing it is probably a sin though, so don't tell any serious tequila aficionados if you chose to do so.

Serves 8to10

Ingredients:

1/2 cup fresh lemon juice (from 4 to 5 lemons)
1/2 cup fresh lime juice (from 2 to 3 limes)
A splash of fresh orange juice (from half an orange)
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups tequila
3/4 cup Triple Sec
3 3/4 cups water
Ice

Preparation:

Red Lobster Margaritas

In a pitcher (or blender), combine the sugar and water. Stir until the sugar is dissolved.
Add the lemon and lime juices, and the splash of orange juice.
Mix in the tequila and the Triple Sec, and stir well.
Keep in the refrigerator until ready to serve.

For Straight-Up Margarita:

Combine the prepared margarita with ice in a shaker.
Shake 20 to 30 times.
Strain into chilled martini or margarita glass.
Garnish with a lime wheel.

For Margarita on the Rocks:

Combine the prepared margarita with ice in a shaker and strain into martini or margarita glass filled with ice.
Garnish with a lemon wheel.

For Margarita with a Salt Rim:

To salt glasses, rub the rim of the glass with lime or lemon first.
Gently dip into saucer laced with kosher salt. (Please note: Do this before the glass is filled with ice or cocktail.)

Chef's Tip:

The key to a great margarita is not to over-salt the rim of the glass. Start by running a quartered lime around the rim of the glass. Pour some coarse or kosher salt onto a napkin, and then lightly touch the glass rim to the salt. Shake off any excess so that only a small crust remains.

Cranberry-Apple Sangria

2013-01-16T16:03:00.000-06:00

I should mention that anything with Tuaca is worth drinking. You could mix that shit with motor oil and I'd down it without a second thought.

This comes from Red Lobster's recipes.

This special variation of sangria would be the perfect complement for South Beach Seafood Paella. Try orange wedges and green apple chunks for a beautiful garnish.

Serves 4 (or one if you really want to tie one on!)

Ingredients:

4 oz. canned cranberries, pureed
1 bottle of Chardonnay
1 bottle of White Zinfandel
2 oz. Tuaca liquor
1 mini-bottle (approximately 1 2/3 oz.) of Sour Apple Pucker
1 mini-bottle (approximately 1 2/3 oz.) of Triple Sec
4 oz. cranberry juice
2 oz. orange juice
Orange wedges and green apple chunks for garnish

Preparation:

Place the canned cranberries in a blender and puree for approximately 4-5 seconds. The mixture should not be totally smooth. Measure out 4 ounces.
In a two-quart container or pitcher, combine all the ingredients.
Stir well and store in refrigerator until ready to serve.
Serve approximately 6 ounces of the beverage over ice in a tall glass. Garnish with a fresh skewer of fruit using the orange wedges and green apple chunks.

Chef's Tips:

It's best to make sangria a day in advance, because the longer the flavors can blend together, the better. Don’t put the fruit into the sangria at the last minute. Allow it to soak up the flavor of the liquids. Use a quality wine in your sangria, and make sure to put it in the glass or pitcher before you start mixing in the other ingredients. Since fruit is a great expression of the seasons, use those types that are fresh and in season. For example, during the summer, mix a white wine with peaches, nectarines and blueberries. In the winter, use citrus fruits like oranges and tangerines. In the fall, choose apples and berries. Be sure you use fruit juices that are consistent with the fruits in your sangria. In the summer, use peach nectar. If you’re using citrus fruits, use orange juice. If you're using berries, use cranberry juice.

Irony of Google Ads

2013-01-12T02:06:00.000-06:00

I was just looking at this blog since there was something wonky going on earlier this week with advertisements. It seems to be fixed. Good. Not sure how whatever happened, happened, but it has been taken care of from all that I see.

And so I'm looking at the site, and the first advertisement that Google serves me up? A ad for Red Lobster's current promo. I laughed out loud. You'd think that maybe they'd make an exception and NOT give me that ad. I could care less about it being on the blog, but to me personally? It'd be like giving Mike Tyson advertisements for boxing lessons.

If I haven't mentioned previously, my ad revenue goes to a good charity of my choosing. While it isn't a ton of money, I'm sure it helps them out, as nearly every quality charity runs on a pretty tight budget.

Green Olive Salsa

2013-01-10T16:01:00.000-06:00

This comes from Red Lobster's Recipes.

Serves 4

Ingredients:

1 Cup Green Olives, chopped small
1 tsp Capers
1 Tbsp Diced Shallots
1 Tbsp Minced Garlic
¼ cup Chopped Green Tomatoes
1 tsp Finely Chopped Basil
1Tbsp Pure Olive Oil
To taste Salt

Preparation:

Combine all ingredients in mixing bowl cover tightly, refrigerate (for a slightly smoother texture you can blend items in blender for 10-15 seconds)

Gym etiquette

2013-01-09T13:08:00.001-06:00

We need to talk about gym etiquette for a moment apparently.

If your lunch yesterday consisted of cabbage, beans, and onions, and then you ate the super spicy burrito and washed it down with a bucket of tequila, please don't come to the gym. The fans in the gym are strategically placed so as to move air to keep people cool. But what that means when you are ass-fogging the joint is that while you don't smell it much (it is blowing away from you) the rest of us have watering eyes and are barely able to keep from blowing chunks. Those aren't beads of sweat, but tears from our eyes you merciless old hag. We thought about stabbing you, but the idea that more of those gasses might escape kept us all from doing it. I mean seriously, if you had to drive here to the gym with your windows down in the middle of winter because you couldn't take it, what the hell did you think the effect on the gym would be. Fuck me. And nobody will be able to use that bathroom until a EPA superfund cleanup team has a chance to sanitize it.

And for you Mr. EatsaBaleofHay - flush. That little silver handle on the place you are making your deposits isn't there for fashion. I don't need to know what you ate for the last week. I don't to see or smell your shit sitting in the bowl. Sure, when you go it's going to smell, I'm not talking about that. It is when it sits there. Festering. Emitting smells that should never escape from a turd. Concentrating in that stall so that when some poor schlep like me hustles in because that last leg press has given me a turtle head sticking out, I get the unexpected punch to the nose from your stench to go with my about to rebel bowels.

The other person I want to address today is you Mr. NoDeodorant. I know it seems backwards to put deodorant on before getting sweaty, but you really need to do so. It cracks me up that you are here looking all buff and macho but that you smell like a homeless guy's nutsack mixed with rancid sour cream. The chicks don't dig it, none of us do. Believe me, if your hygiene is that poor under your pits, nobody is ever getting near your dick. Doesn't matter how your muscles look. And following your workout you have the nerve to go directly into one of the tanning booths. That room will be unusable for hours now jackass. Sure, I guess you are helping prevent other people getting skin cancer and dieing, which is nice, but that still doesn't justify you spreading that foul-assed funk.

30 Shrimp Promo at Red Lobster

2013-01-08T16:01:00.000-06:00

Red Lobster is running their 30 shrimp promo at the moment.

Along with this, if you get the Red Lobster emails (sign up on their web site) they have recently sent out an email coupon for $4 off 2 dinner entrees or $3 off 2 lunch entrees.

Not a bad deal if you like what they are offering for the shrimp.

New Mango-Jalapeño Grilled Shrimp over wild rice pilaf

New Crunchy Parmesan Ranch Shrimp

Or you can get the good 'ole
Hand-Breaded Shrimp
Garlic Shrimp Scampi
Shrimp Linguini Alfredo

If you go this route, both of the new shrimp are pretty tasty, though I'm not a big mango fan so I'd personally not order them again. The Parmesan Ranch Shrimp should be eaten just seconds after the cool to the point they won't scorch your mouth. Don't let them cool, they aren't nearly as appetizing after sitting on your plate for a while.

But if you are asking me, I'd stay away from the promo and go with the simple but far better quality butterflied shrimp. 18 of those beauties and I'm in grease induced heaven.

I've got a seat for you right here!

2013-01-06T18:23:00.000-06:00

Stay classy Orlando!

People think we make things up or exaggerate when servers write blogs like mine. I largely undersell the insanity I have experienced over the years.

And honestly, in this day and age, I can't believe there isn't phone video evidence of these two going at it.

I am not an artist. I don't even play one on TV.

2013-01-05T23:17:00.001-06:00

Was dragged to what I was told was a "modern art in 3D experimental performance" last week. This was more than just a fish out of water type of experience. It was simply fucked up people doing fucked up things calling it art. I've seen some shitty art in my day, but wiping my ass and calling the paper art would've been more artistic. Perhaps the most wasted moments of my entire life, and believe me, I've experienced some pretty terrible "I'll never get that afternoon of my life back" types of things. So word to the wise, if someone offers to bring to this and the alternate choice is electro-shock therapy to your testicles, go with the nut blaster. Imagine the worst art you've ever seen, with audio, scent, and pompous pricks walking throughout the room chatting with artists (including performance artists) while they work, all the while nibbling on pretentious snacks (no you may not call that fucking thing an hor d'oeuvre) while sipping wine that was secretly decanted from a box about 15 minutes ago. Good thing there weren't sharp objects in the room or I might have been tempted to use them.

Life has settled into a hectic but good pace since I left Red Lobster. While I had hoped to write some new content sooner, it didn't happy. You get what you pay for around here. But the good news is I have the creative itch and have been making a long list of stories I should eventually tell here. Top secret intel on the jerk-asses I've served over the years. And probably some stories about some staff too.

One of the next few posts will definitely be covering the advent of the smart phone and the douche-bags using them.

Happy New Years! May 2013 Kick Major Ass!

2013-01-01T02:35:00.002-06:00

If you are still drinking, depending on your time zone, your bar laws, or just how much of a raging alcoholic you are, make sure you are tipping well. New Years has always been good to me in terms of tips and good times. I can't remember a bad one in either sense.

I took a few years off altogether from waiting tables once. Yes, I thought I had left it behind me, but little did I know that it was just the break in my time serving slop at Red Lobster. So my first year back at it, and literally just a few weeks out of being retrained, I picked up a New Years shift covering 3 bar tables - tables that were normally reserved for the bar tenders. But on NYE it is far too fucking crazy to get a bartender out to them. I thought I'd make a bit of cash, have some fun, and be able to get out early since I was to be the first one cut. I clock in and immediate a family of 4 seat themselves at the table (they could do so at these bar tables normally). This is one of the few times a year you're supposed to be seated there by a host, there are already people waiting in the lobby for tables with a handful of us servers just coming on.

So I walk up thinking I'm going to have to ask them to move, but I give them the old waiter once over and think that they might just be worth the hassle. I take their orders, Mom & Dad both order premium drinks, and their two teenage kids order virgin drinks. 3 appetizers, ready to order entrees, and they know exactly what they want with no questions. I pace the meal great, keep M&D's liquor flowing, and make sure I take my normal good care of them. Meal closes, and the bill for the 4 of them is $120. Dad pulls out $250 and tells me to keep the change. On my first fricking table of the night. You know that night is gonna be nothing but awesomeness from then on!

Getting a whale tip to start your night makes everything else gravy. Make a big buck to begin with, the rest just pads the bank. Those night are all too few and far between, but when they come, they are like manna from heaven. I went on to make nearly $400 in tips that night in just under 5 hours of work. I was cocktail serving everyone in the lobby that the bartenders couldn't get out to. Kept my 3 tables moving fast and everyone was ordering large and tipping big. If only that were the norm, I'd still be doing it.

So if you are still out there, add a bit more green to the pile. You're drunk, you won't miss it. But it just might make some waiter/bartender's 2013 start of with a little extra bang. Share the love, be generous, and gracious when needed. There's your wisdom to start the year. That and don't eat the yellow snow, and if you see Dick Clark stab him in the heart.

Public service announcement regarding breast cancer

2012-12-21T01:36:00.000-06:00

Best. News. Article. Ever.

Saw this on MSN...and well...I had to share! I the Lobster Guy and I endorse this message!

Getting to second base, the holy grail for hormonal boys, is now science: New research has shown that squeezing breasts could prevent malignant breast cells from causing cancer. This doesn’t give pervy dudes license to grope you on the subway, ladies, but it does mean boob-grabbing should be a regular part of your self-care routine (yes, absolutely try it DIY-style). Experiments found that physical pressure led cells back to normal growth patterns, and that even after compression was no longer applied, the malignant cells stopped growing. Spread the word, boob-lovers of the world. [Source]

And before anyone gets their panties in a bunch and wants to flame me, this is tongue in cheek but a serious subject. At least a handful of women in my family have had breast cancer, and it killed both of my grandmothers. So have fun preventing it!

Christmas - The Season's Upon Us

2012-12-18T13:20:00.001-06:00

Christmas without having to work at the Lobster is a gift in itself. And I'm looking forward to drinking myself blind on New Year's Eve and sleeping in the next day until the threat of pissing myself forces me to get up.

I don't have a lot of close family (though I do have a large family) so generally I end up with my old lady's family. And short of the hot skanks in the video below, it looks a lot like that, though dominoes are sure to make a showing every day.

If you are waiting tables this week, may your bank at the end of the night be big, your customers generous and patient, and you cooks mostly sober! Be safe out there, have fun, and merry fucking Christmas!

My Christmas list if you are buying (it's your money, so I'm going to be generous to myself):

	Lagavulin Scotch Single Malt 16 Year

Lagavulin Scotch Single Malt 16 Year

I tried this Scotch a while back and was impressed. Outside my normal, but an interesting contrast.

	Michael Jackson's Complete Guide to Single Malt Scotch

Michael Jackson's Complete Guide to Single Malt Scotch

The only thing ever made by a Michael Jackson I'd be willing to admit I own.

	Ole Smoky Tennessee Apple Pie Moonshine 750ml

Ole Smoky Tennessee Apple Pie Moonshine 750ml

This is to help me forget my name on New Years.

	Macallan Scotch Single Malt 18 Year 750ML

Macallan Scotch Single Malt 18 Year 750ML

I tried this at an upscale joint a while back (don't ask what the pour price was...) and was blown away. Thankfully, I wasn't paying that bill. The old lady's boss likes a good Scotch and doesn't like to drink it alone. Me likey!

	New Balance Men's M990 Heritage Running Shoe

New Balance Men's M990 Heritage Running Shoe

Yes, I'm that old fat bastard that runs in New Balance shoes. I have to do something to keep from getting fat(er). Between booze, not waiting tables, and being home near the fridge more, the shoes should probably be first on my list.

	Apple iPad (16GB, Wi-Fi, White) 3rd Generation

Apple iPad (16GB, Wi-Fi, White) 3rd Generation

I'm tired of carrying my laptop everywhere. I had a Netbook, but that sucker fried itself a while back. I think my Macbook might be on its way out too (yes I backup regularly). With an iPad I'd just build a low price box for my home and use the iPad 90% of the time I suspect. Since I already have an iPhone, the iPad seem the way to go. If I have to spend my own money, I may very well venture into one of the Chromebooks. The old lady already has one of the Amazon Kindle HD's (she's the early adaptor of the household, I get her stuff as hand-me-downs, which is how I'm rocking an iPhone now). And since the old bag won't share her fun toys, I'll just have to get my own. No perv, that doesn't mean sex toys.

Red Lobster Blog

Hey ladies! It's summer time.

Red Lobster policy changes - Out with the new and in with the old(er).

To the Boston Marathon bomber(s)

NCAA Basketball Tournament

A drunken Irish blessing

If men and women swapped roles at the gym

Identifying hot ad women

I hate your car's stickers

Lobsterfest 2013 - It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Mucus Snot and Sinuses oh my!

VD free this year

This sign would've been useful...

Cell phones - the scourge of the service industry

Great Server Story - Speaking out IS the right thing to do

Waiter hailed as hero after standing up for boy with Down syndrome

Red Lobster Margaritas and Tequila recommendations

Cranberry-Apple Sangria

Irony of Google Ads

Green Olive Salsa

Gym etiquette

30 Shrimp Promo at Red Lobster

I've got a seat for you right here!

I am not an artist. I don't even play one on TV.

Happy New Years! May 2013 Kick Major Ass!

Public service announcement regarding breast cancer

Squeezing breasts could prevent cancer

Christmas - The Season's Upon Us