Red Lobster Blog

Perfume for the fairer sex

2012-01-23T15:01:00.001-06:00

I didn't address this in the previous post and was asked in the comments on thoughts for the ladies. I know far more about cologne than perfume, but I'll give you my opinion.

A) avoid smelling like an old lady. That means dial it down on the florals - especially lilac. It smells good on the bush, but not on your bush.

B) avoid anything that you imagine Britney Spears has sprayed on her vag before flashing it to the world.

3) avoid anything promoted by/bearing the name of Liz Taylor and Paris Hilton.

4) avoid anything from Bath & Bodyworks types of places. You can't ever get a true sense of its smell in there, and their crap is over the top strong.

You don't want to smell like hooker coochie or bingo hall. And be subtle. I like some spice and something exotic in a woman's perfume. It catches me as unexpected and catches my interest and draws me in. For women I'd say most of the Calvin Kline brands are way too much for work. A lot of the CK lines have a good idea (think citrus) but they can't pull it off in a work setting. It is fine for a sorority party or prom, but don't bring it to work.

I do have a weakness for two perfumes (and it is personal, both tied to women of my past). Red by Giorgio makes me into a sex crazed monkey because of the memories associated with it. The other is Guess perfume that I don't think is on the market any longer.

I would suggest for ladies to start by sampling:

1) Burberry by Burberry. I really like this scent. Classic and flattering on a wide range of women.

2) Opium by Yves Saint Laurent. Only if you are over 40 though. I'd smack a vapid teen hostess if she came in wearing this without having earned it with life experience.

3) Romance by Ralph Lauren. If you want a floral but don't want to gag me with it, this might be the one to pull it off. Might. Go light.

4) Red by Giorgio of Beverly Hills. Just because I'd want to throw everything off the table on the floor and have my way with you there. Oh...did I say that out loud? This is a woman's perfume. Little girls need not apply.

5) Obsession by Calvin Klein. I like the men's, love the woman's version. This is what falls under "oldie but goodie". Not a lot of people wearing it now, so it isn't trendy, but it still has a great scent, and has lasting power to stay on the body for a good long time. A fact that once got me in trouble, but that's a different story for a different blog.

6ish) Black by Kenneth Cole. Not for work, or at least not in food service in my opinion. Almost too much of the violet floral, but a scent that just sticks in my mind. A second date kind of smell. A smell that says "I'm not going to fuck you tonight, but if you don't screw this up you still have a chance next time." Again, go light otherwise the floral will kill everything else off ruining the application and intention. Very sexy on the nose. My lady has some of this and I love it.

Here's some other words of wisdom ladies - quit mixing all your shit together. One smell of hand lotion, then a conditioner, then a body spray/mist, then a perfume. Holy shit! It's no wonder people react (like me) to the hazy cloud of stench following you. Seriously - get hand lotions that are unscented. The really good ones that actually work generally have no scent. Those $15 tubs of balm with seizure inducing strength of scent aren't helping anyone - with one exception - the Bert's Bee's Hand Salve. That shit is amazing, though strong scented.

And don't use a body spray/mist after you get out of the shower. I speak for all men of the world, we don't care how much you like it, it makes our bathrooms smell like a brothel, and we outright fucking hate every one of those scents. Those sprays might be great if you are a lesbian, but for us men, leave them on the store shelf. And I suspect most lesbians don't like them either, though I can't back that up with data.

Server Secret Weapons - the cologne

2012-01-21T22:59:00.000-06:00

I'm gonna let you in on one of the secrets to my success. Smell really good subtly. Smell memorable. But don't smell like some douchebag who rolled around in a pool of samples.

Nothing worse than having a college frat boy server smelling like he fucked the whole crew at Abercrombie and Shits between shifts.

I don't care if you are a frat guy trying to fuck everything that moves in my kitchen, dial down the douche juice and it'll do you a lot of good.

Back to smelling good.

I have changed my cologne over the years as times have changed. It has also changed a bit to reflect which store I am working in (I've served in more than one location) to better reflect the clientele. My restaurant clientele is a strange mix of about 20% ghetto, 20% old as hell (which as I age doesn't see as old any longer...), 15-20% GLBT, and the rest is your normal metro hodgepodge blend. I am especially aware of my gay and old ladies as I select my cologne. I want to smell good for my gays, and I don't want to drop an old lady with the strength of my scent. So finding a balance is important.

I want to smell classic first of all. I'm not trying to introduce the world to a new scent. Second of all, I don't want to walk up to the table and have everyone know what I smell like - that's too much. But if I reach my arm across a guests body to pick up a plate, I want there to be a gentle good smelling hint of me. If you are the customer closest to me I want you to get a just perceptible scent of goodness.

Now, since I work in a seafood restaurant that smells like deep fat frier grease and clams I have to work at this. Over the years I've perfected my cologne application to aid me in this. I apply a modest amount mid-way up my forearms on the under side of my arms. This is the reach wiff. I put it there so that it doesn't get washed off in my near OCD washing of crap off my hands when I work. One full spray divided between both arms is all that it needs.

My second spray is right above my wedding tackle and under where my belt runs. This puts this in closer proximity to my nearest guests, so again I cannot go overboard here. Spray directly on the body, never on the clothes. This way when I'm running my ass off during rush I don't smell like an old used horse cock.

Two sprays is all it takes.

Now the second part is selecting that right scent. For me (at least for the last 3ish years) it has been a cologne called The One by Dolce and Gabbana. I don't remember where I first encountered it, but it is pure gold in a bottle (at least on my body). Yes, it isn't cheap, good cologne never is. But a bottle lasts more than a year with 2 sprays a day (I'm only recently on mys second bottle). The smell endures if you have a long shift. And you won't tire of this smell. I'm NOT saying it is for everyone though, you do have to try it on for size and see how it reacts with your body's chemistry.

Every once in a while someone recognizes it - always a woman or a gay man, but it is so subtle in my application that I never get complaints and sometimes get a compliment. I know there are people who are sensitive to scents - me among them - and if you're just gonna complain in the comments about all scents being evil let me save you some time - fuck off.

Selecting a cologne (or a perfume for you ladies):
This takes time. Don't walk in and buy what is popular or you'll smell like a douchebag. Don't walk in and buy what is cheap or you'll smell like a low-rent douchebag.

Buy a coffee, or bring a bag of beans when shopping for your scent. Don't let the chipper sales drone spray the cologne in the air. You're not gonna get the right scent. Spray it on cards. Let the alcohol evaporate. Gently wave it under your nose, but not right next to your nose. Assess one scent at a time. Between scents take a few whiffs of the coffee to clear your mind. Don't drink the coffee until after working through the scents, you want a neutral palette. Narrow down your choices to your favorite 2 or 3 and see if they have sample vials you can take home. Most good stores will have them or can get them for you. Even if you have to pay for them, they are worth it. A scent might smell nice in the store and then rancid on your body, and you don't want $60 worth of eau de swamp rat in your bathroom if it doesn't fit you well.

Do a few trials runs with your samples. See what you think of them, and get a few people you trust to give you an opinion. I do my test runs with a sample similar to the people at my restaurant - a few trusted gay friends and a couple old neighbor ladies. They've never steered me wrong. I don't ask my old lady to help me select. I wear something different for her that she has picked out (that we both agree that we like on me).

COMMON COLOGNE MISTAKES

Wearing the same cologne you wore as a teenager. As you go through the decades in your life, change your colognes.
Always wearing the same cologne. Variety is the spice of life. You’ll be more attractive if you are less predictable. Don’t wear the same cologne 365 days of the year – it won’t be noticed. (but you CAN wear the same one to the restaurant every day)
Putting on too much. It’s important to be subtle – it’s much more seductive and alluring. If they can smell you when you walk into a room, you’ve applied way too much.
Applying cologne to your face. Cologne should never be applied directly on the face. It has alcohol which can easily irritate and redden your skin. It will also have too strong a scent if applied directly to the face. Only apply cologne to either your neck, your wrists, or behind your ears.
Spraying your clothes. Don’t do it! It’s a waste of cologne, bad for you your clothes, and is just way too much scent for a man. Where ever you go, you’ll stink the place up.

TERMS OFTEN USED TO DESCRIBE COLOGNE SCENTS

A host of terms are used to help describe colognes. Here are some of the more commonly used terms (there are plenty more). It sometimes sounds as if people are describing a wine rather than colognes.

Citrus – describes refreshing citric scents from lemons, oranges, grapefruits and other fruits
Earthy – describes scents associated with dirt, moss and earth
Floral – describes a scent associated with flowers such as lily, iris or lavender
Fresh – this is a confusing term often used to describe citrus or green type scents
Fruity – describes scents associated with non-citric fruits like apples, bananas, and strawberries
Green – describes the scent associated with freshly mowed grass
Spicy – describes stronger, warm scents such as cinnamon, frankincense, myrrh, clove oil, pepper, ginger, and nutmeg
Woody – describes the scent associated with fresh cut wood especially sandalwood
Musk – Sexy, masculine scent used in many colognes. Derived from musk oil which is known for sexual attraction

WHAT ARE SCENT OR FRAGRANCE NOTES?
The scents of cologne often evolve over three stages referred to as “Notes”. The stages are:

Top Notes – Scents first noticed after applying the cologne.
Middle Notes – The scent of the cologne after the top notes diminish. The middle notes are usually noticed after 20 minutes to an hour.
Bottom or Base Notes – These are the long lasting scents of cologne and usually last for a few hours or more.

It is those bottom notes that I am after when selecting a work cologne - and again it is why you have to do trial runs on colognes prior to purchase.

As a quick run down of what I keep in my bathroom cabinet:
1) The One by Dolce & Gabbana
2) Play Intense by Givenchy - This is the one my woman picked out, and it makes her want to jump me, even at our old ages. Must be part magic!
3) Obsession by Calvin Klein - an old standby when I want something different yet comfortable.
4) Polo by Ralph Lauren - the old green bottle. Most women over 35 love it, and it brings back great memories of days gone by from my past. The stories my old bottles of Polo could tell...
5) Polo Black by Ralph Lauren - this has become my day-to-day cologne. I love it. I smell like a man who likes scotch and fine cigars (guilty!). The scent is strong enough I wouldn't wear it to work though (probably).

Other notes:
Don't buy Drakkar. Don't be that guy. At least not at work anyhow.
Same goes for everything from Abercrombie.
DO NOT BUY KNOCKOFFS.
If you can find Sex Panther by Odion, buy me a bottle too (watch video below if you don't get it).

In the infinite wisdom of Nelson Muntz...smell you later!

RSS readers - I'm changing my feed

2012-01-16T10:28:00.002-06:00

If you read my blog via RSS I wanted to alert you to the fact that I'm trying to clean up my RSS feed system. If I all of a sudden disappear or you aren't seeing posts, re-subscribe please.

The links in the bar on the right work fine, and if you want to update manually to get all my posts add

http://rlserver.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default

and you shouldn't miss a thing.

4 course meal for $15 per person

2012-01-10T13:08:00.002-06:00

Red Lobster is running a promo right now that I think is a really great deal. See below for details.

Red Lobster's Four Course Seafood Feast is back! Begin with one of our signature soups, then move on to a crisp salad served with unlimited Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Try one of 7 entrées, like our NEW Grilled Honey-BBQ Shrimp Skewers, and finish with one of our mouthwatering desserts. All four courses just $15. Come in for your feast today!

Choose your entree:

Grilled Honey-BBQ Shrimp Skewers
Garlic Alfredo Shrimp-and-Scallop Pasta
Garlic-Herb Shrimp and Chicken
Cajun Chicken Linguini Alfredo
Wood-Grilled Fresh Tilapia
Parrot Isle Jumbo Coconut Shrimp
Hand-Breaded Shrimp

Choose your soup:

New England Clam Chowder (cup)
Creamy Potato Bacon Soup (cup)

Choose your salad:

Fresh Garden Salad
Fresh Caesar Salad

Chose your dessert:

Triple-Chocolate Brownie á la Mode
Apple Crostada with Caramel Drizzle
Key Lime Pie

While yes - it is a low cost/budget set of meals, I fully endorse this promo because there are some really solid choices there. And of course, the salad normally comes with the entree so it's not a "bonus", but we have edible (if uninspired) salads. The Grilled Honey-BBQ Shrimp are damn tasty. On the desserts I'd still stick with the Key Lime, but the other two aren't bad. And despite the fact that I've probably eaten 100 gallons of our clam chowder in my life time, I still love it. I'm pretty sure the extra 35lbs I carry above my belt is all clam chowder.

I especially like this meal grouping during lunches. I've been able to move a few people that direction and they've all left quite satisfied.

Happy New Year - 2012 is here

2012-01-01T01:04:00.000-06:00

2012 stands to be a year of change for me. I'll be ending my run with Red Lobster at some point this year. While I've greatly cut back my schedule, I seem to be picking up shifts at a pretty rapid pace, so it seems not a whole lot has changed for me there yet. Yet. But it will come. I dream of the day I no longer come home reeking of fried seafood. I get excited when I think that I may never walk back through the doors of a Red Lobster as an employee. That day is coming.

Another change in 2012 is that I will begin training for my first full Triathlon. My old lady has done a few - and I have NO chance of keeping up with her - and she's been egging me on to do one. I'm a wannabe avid cyclist when time permits. I've always been a very strong swimmer. But running flat out sucks. I do it, only because I'm old and fat and it keeps me from getting older and fatter...well...fatter anyhow. But I figure once I do it, I can say I've done it, and then hopefully not ever have to do it again. Then I can retire to the lecherous old guys racquetball league.

The other day I was recruited by a business acquaintance (from my other non-seafood life) to become a Mason. Felt like a fucking Amway pitch, but slightly more cultish and less fun. Wins my award for most awkward moment of 2011. I'm not particularly interested in the Scottish Rite - though infinitely interested in the right Scotch.

Speaking of Scotch - I'm ringing in the New Year the right way with a bottle of Laphroaig 10 year Cask Strength from my reserves. This is my first time cracking this bottle, and it rates a "holy shit it's good" on my Scotch scale. It is by no means cheap, but if you are seriously considering entering into the fine single malts of this world, you'd be a damn fool to start elsewhere. It took me quite a number of years (and shit-tons of money) to find my niche of Scotch that really hits my palate right. I'm on my third glass of two fingers and a splash of water and I'm warming all over and hoping I stop before I forget my name and regret it in the morning.

I've got to work lunch tomorrow, and a hangover is a bitch of a way to start my 2012.

Fuck it. We're not going to be busy anyhow...

BTW - if you're not willing to spring for an expensive Scotch on my recommendation alone, start by trying the Glenlivet 12 Year Old. It'll give you an idea if you should continue down this path without emptying your wallet completely. I'm lukewarm on Speyside's since I don't know them quite as well, but I do know this Glenlivet and the punishment it has inflicted my my liver all too well.

Restaurants Opportunities Centers United - Diners Guide

2011-12-13T09:30:00.000-06:00

Download the PDF here if you haven't already.

Why this guide exists:

With over 10 million workers nationwide, the U.S. restaurant industry is one of the largest and fastest-growing sectors of the American economy, even during the current economic crisis. Unfortunately, despite the industry’s growth, restaurant workers suffer under poverty wages and poor working conditions. In particular, the industry suffers from:

1 LOW WAGES
With a federal minimum wage of $2.13 for tipped workers and $7.25 for non-tipped workers, the median wage for restaurant workers is $8.90, just below the poverty line for a family of three. This means that
more than half of all restaurant workers nationwide earn less than the federal poverty line.

2 NO PAID SICK LEAVE
90% of the more than 4,300 restaurant workers surveyed by the Restaurant Opportunities Center (ROC) report not having paid sick leave, and two-thirds report cooking, preparing, and serving food while sick, making sick leave for restaurant workers not only a worker rights issue but a pressing concern in public health!

3 OCCUPATIONAL SEGREGATION
Women, immigrants, and people of color hold lower-paying positions in the industry, and do not have many
opportunities to move up the ladder. Among the 4,300 workers surveyed, we found a $4 wage gap between white workers and workers of color, and 73% reported not receiving regular promotions on the job.

More on ROC United here. Just because you are the little man, doesn't mean you are alone. If your state isn't on the map, contact ROC and do something about it.

“When you go out to eat, you shouldn’t get wage theft, racism, and sick cooks
in the kitchen, along with your meal. How the food tastes at a restaurant really
doesn’t matter, if the people who work there are being mistreated.
This guide will help you separate the good guys from the bad.”
–ERIC SCHLOSSER, author of Fast Food Nation

“No matter how good the food, how local the ingredients, no one wants to support a
restaurant that takes advantage of its workers. It is possible for restaurants do the right
thing and make money. ROC promotes that high road to profitability. ROC’s work helps
people like you and me find restaurants that are doing the right by their workers.”
–JOSH VIERTEL, Founder and President, Slow Food USA

A Consumer Guide on the Working Conditions of American Restaurants

2011-12-11T10:29:00.000-06:00

The below link was sent to me by a reader via Facebook - thanks!

Comes as no surprise to me that those businesses having legal charges being filed regarding discrimination and wage theft listed on page 28 of the PDF linked below are in the Darden fold - including Red Lobster. Red Lobster (and Darden) HATES it's employees. Corporate greed of the past and top level leadership incompetence of the past and present have really made a mess of things. Don't bite the hand that feeds you ya' dumb bastards. And please do download & read the PDF, it is quite interesting.

Click through for the full article at Good Lifestyle.

Dine Out Ethically: Find Out Which Restaurants Treat Their Employees Right

Anyone who has worked in the service industry knows that the public face of a restaurant hardly reveals what's going on behind the scenes. The chipper smiles of food service workers, who make up one-tenth of the U.S. workforce, often belie the fact that these workers can make poverty wages and endure horrible working conditions.

Now, diners have a new tool to tell the ethical restaurants from the grimy ones. Just in time for the new year, Restaurant Opportunities Centers United has created a National Diners' Guide to 186 of the most popular restaurants in the country [PDF]. The guide rates restaurants based on tipped worker wages, non-tipped worker wages, paid sick days, and opportunity for advancement—like Zagat for socially-conscious dining. If a restaurant meets ROC United's standard, they earn an icon; if not, they get a zero. Standout establishments are awarded a silver or gold star; shady businesses receive a frowny face. The guide also includes tip cards for restaurant owners and workers that inform them of their rights.

The guide covers everywhere from Burger King to five star restaurants, and the results are mostly depressing. A smattering of high scorers—like California's Chaya Restaurant Group or New York City's Colors—are nestled in a sea of zeros, earned from places like McDonald's, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, and even chains with good reps like Starbucks.

I think Mad Money's Jim Cramer reads my blog

2011-12-10T22:08:00.001-06:00

Saw this among some of my stock reports that came in yesterday (via CNBC) and I literally laughed out loud:

Friday, December 16

Darden Restaurants [DRI 43.21 0.13 (+0.3%) ] reports before the bell, and Cramer wants to hear a recognition that something is structurally wrong that management needs to address, or we need new management. This is a name that pays you to wait, but Cramer is nervous the company has lost its way.

"...nervous the company has lost its way" - this gets a no shit sherlock from me. I've been beating that drum for quite some time - like say 5 years. FUBAR is what it is, and leadership is what it isn't.

Glad I liquidated my DRI a while ago. Too many eggs in that basket for me at the time, and the writing is on the wall that unless something changes the slow steady decline will increase in pace. I buried that money into some gold that I just recently got out of and made a nice fat pile to invest elsewhere that I think has a better future upside than gold.

No, I'm not giving you stock tips.

But I will say that I find Jim Cramer very entertaining, and generally a good source for intelligent investing philosophy advice. Pay limited attention to the specific stocks he talks about and capture his overall mindset and you can do pretty well in today's market if you are patient and not blindly gambling.

Anyone got in-roads to the Zynga IPO they want to share with me? I promise I won't hold onto my shares long. (Cramer is dead on right on this too & is mentioned in the article as well).

I only have two real stock market regrets - not buying a ridiculous amount of Google at $150 when I had the chance, and selling a dead cat immediately before a sizable bounce. I could've cut my losses on the dead cat by 60% had I waited 2 weeks. Oh well, it's part of the game.

Red Lobster Day Care

2011-12-08T17:06:00.001-06:00

Let me be clear here. My job is to bring you food and beverages, not baby sit your obnoxious crotch droppings. Just because you made a bad choice and split a case of Busch Light with Bubba in the back of his 4x4 doesn't make me in any way sympathetic to your plight in life. Take care of your fucking kids.

No, I won't apologize when I'm carrying a large tray of very hot food with breakable plates and glasses and I happen to step on/kick/elbow/punt your little bastard as I walk through the dining room. And no I won't apologize when I laugh when they trip over a leg of a chair and smash their face on a table because they are running around like a ferret with rabies. And no I don't have band aides.

And HELL NO I'm not taking that dirty diaper from you, there is a garbage in the bathroom next to the changing station. Oh - you changed it right there on the table? No, I'm not wiping that for you either (though you can be assure I'll napalm it to death with every disinfectant known to Red Lobster immediately upon your leaving).

While you might be lured into thinking we are a baby sitting service - I mean we do have the Lobster Tank with giggly teenage hostesses standing nearby - aka Child Entertainment Zone - we do not actually get paid to watch your kids.

I don't care what political party, if someone ran on the platform of a minimum requirement for people to be allowed to reproduce, I'd vote for it every time. Just because you got the equipment doesn't mean you should get into the game.

Surf & Turf - our new promotion at Red Lobster

2011-11-15T11:04:00.001-06:00

Goodfuckingbye endless hell....I mean Endless Shrimp.

Love seafood and steak? At Red Lobster's Surf & Turf event, you don't have to choose. Our Grill Masters are cooking up three mouth-watering Seafood & Steak combinations, like Maine Lobster & Peppercorn Sirloin for just $19.99, or our New Bacon-Wrapped Shrimp & Blue Cheese Sirloin for only $14.99. Try them all today!

NEW: Bacon-Wrapped Shrimp & Blue Cheese Sirloin

Bacon-wrapped jumbo shrimp paired with a peppercorn-rubbed, wood-grilled sirloin topped with a blue cheese sauce. Served over mashed potatoes with fresh broccoli. 14.99

Wood-Grilled Maine Lobster& Peppercorn-Grilled Sirloin

Our wood-grilled split Maine lobster tail, paired with a peppercorn-rubbed, wood-grilled sirloin. Served over mashed potatoes with fresh broccoli. 19.99

NEW: Crab-Topped Peppercorn-Grilled Sirloin

Sweet lump crabmeat in a creamy hollandaise sauce over a peppercorn-rubbed, wood-grilled sirloin. Served with mashed potatoes and fresh asparagus. 17.99

I am the 99%

2011-11-12T22:38:00.001-06:00

One of my regular customers shared this with me last night & I had a good laugh.

Slutty Halloween Costumes

2011-11-01T01:32:00.000-05:00

Slutty Halloween Costumes: A Carefully Worded Tribute -- powered by Cracked.com

I miss the days we could wear costumes to work.

Minimum Wages for Tipped Employees

2011-10-27T16:30:00.001-05:00

Props to a commenter for this card from TheChive.com

U.S. Department of Labor - Minimum Wages for Tipped Employees

You want to know why servers bitch about tight cocksuckers who don't tip. Click that link above & compare it to what you make. Yes, we make tips. But if you fuck us over, we don't. We make less than minimum wage you cheap self-centered bastard. Have one less chardonnay grandma & leave a living wage tip. Quit rolling up so hard on the Hennessy & hemp and leave us something other than your putrid stench and your anti-social behavior.

A tip is for blah blah blah good service. I get that. I give great service, I'm not some incompetent meth head or baked out of my mind stoner. I bathe regularly. I bring you what you order, and fix what my co-workers fuck up. When something goes wrong, I make it right. When you dine with me, you won't have a bad experience because of me. And if you do have a problem with me I encourage you to share that with a manager & leave me nothing. But I know that won't happen.

I'm not god's gift to waitering, but I'm damn good at what I do and I take pride in my job, even if it is just a half step above the tranny-boys who are polishing knobs under the bridge for cash. I suck up - they suck off, but sometimes it feels almost the same.

Spam and Asian wedding

2011-10-21T01:09:00.000-05:00

Yes, a strange title to this post, but it really is the intersection of my last week.

A couple of days ago I was cleaning out the spam box in my email account. How did the world know my penis was so small? By the amount of cock enhancement messages I had in there you'd think I was hung like....an Asian dude.

Why'd I go there?

Earlier this week I served the wedding rehearsal party of a really cute mid-40's Asian couple. The gentleman was very soft spoken, nearly submissive to his wife early on in the evening (they were at our store for about 2.5 hours). It was a small party - 7 people - so I made sure they enjoyed themselves and had a good time. Unfortunately we didn't have any Asian beers, so the gentleman began ordering Top Shelf Margarita's, and after the majority of 4 of them, he became my newest best friend. Thankfully he wasn't a loud drunk. But at some point as they all were a few drinks into their evening (and heading to a bar later they said) they started joking with one another, and to a certain extent with me as well. They were a bit isolated from our other tables, and it was dead because of some other area activity pulling people away.

As they joked, the jokes got slowly but surely more risque (though never offensive). Somehow their lovemaking (the to-be-wed) became the point of discussion and my new best friend managed to inform me, and the whole table, that while he's hung like an Asian he make up for it with a tongue like a serpent - while making the tongue between fingers gesture ala Kingpin. The party roared with laughter, with the exception of his mother, who just stared ahead at her food.

Unintentional hilarity is the best kind!

Food for thought

2011-10-04T16:29:00.004-05:00

This image returned me to some great high school hi-jinx involving "athletic balms". The good 'ole Icy-Hot in the jock being one of the most classic. We got our quarterback with that one once. No, I did not touch his jock.

I once made the mistake of grabbing my Icy-Hot rather than my Body Glide and applied a bit to my inner thighs before I caught what I was doing (I could smell it!). Thankfully nothing sensitive made contact, and I wiped the majority of it off before it started to work in. It was early in the morning, and that's what I get for trying to exercise before my brain turns back on.

Endless Shrimp - I seafood differently - I'm not about the bullshit

2011-09-18T08:21:00.000-05:00

My journey with Red Lobster has included more all-you-can-eat promotions than you can imagine, and they are all pretty much the same. I can tolerate, and even like some of our promo's but this one's a bitch all the way around except for Darden's bottom line.

Endless Shrimp means about 3-5 times the work compared to an average meal. Certainly it is that many more times to give good service, but it's that many more times for my lazy stoner co-worker to fuck it all up for me too. Our store is really exceptional at walking each other's refills, especially at lunch and during volume. We have a few ladies at lunch who are like Energizer bunnies and rather than going to the gym they walk laps at Red Lobster while getting paid. But there are people I work with who I intentionally keep from my tables. People I want nowhere near my customers, even my bad customers. And when those customers are regularly reordering shrimp by the dozen, it make it a battle to keep the weakest links away. And mind you, they're not all stoners I'm trying to keep away, we have some really solid stoner servers. I'm trying to keep away our middle age guy who stares at all the teenage girls. I'm trying to keep the raging hormone bi-boi from trying to hit on my cute guys/gals. I'm trying to keep the co-workers who are having a lover's quarrel out of my section to. And I'm trying at all costs to keep the over-the-top former used car salesman now wannabe manager (in training) as far from my end of the store as possible. He tries to shake everyone's hands at the table. Not. Appropriate. That's taking a table touch way too far hefe.

Every year I get panned (on my own blog nonetheless) for bitching about asshole customer's and shit tips during our all-you-can-eat pigout fest. But here's the reality - I work more for less during this promo than any other time of the year. It wouldn't be a big deal if we were salaried like a lot of the lazy douche bags who bitch in the comment sections here. But we make JACK SHIT hourly, so tips are where it is at. And Red Lobster Corporate has been doing their damnest to steal those from those of us who serve too. It's like getting fucked while running.

The good news for me is that this is most likely my last go round with this cursed promotion. Yes, you read that right. There's a light at the end of my tunnel and it isn't a train.

But if you tip well, or hell, I'll even take polite, do come on in and get your four pounds of shrimp before the world's supply runs out - or we end the promo.

To the credit of my cooks, they are kicking out the very best tasting/looking AYCE shrimp I've ever seen. We have a newish cook who has raised the overall level in our whole kitchen. Dude is always on his game and that's made the other guys on the line kick it up a notch too. I suspect it'll taper off after the grind of Endless Shrimp really sets in, but in the meantime it is certainly food I'm proud to serve. Just tell my crazy coworkers to keep their hands off, I'll walk my own if your life is in the middle of a trainwreck/hotflash/drug induced haze.

Endless Shrimp 2011

2011-09-17T20:29:00.000-05:00

Get ready shrimp lovers; Endless Shrimp is back at Red Lobster. We have so many delicious shrimp entrees to choose from, featuring new recipes like Sweet and Spicy Shrimp, and Parmesan Shrimp. And don't forget to try classic favorites like Garlic Shrimp Scampi, Shrimp Linguini Alfredo, and of course our traditional Hand-Breaded Shrimp. For just $15.99 you can try as many dishes as you like, any way you like. For a limited time & you'll pay extra to eat this in Hawaii & Times Square FYI.

Our two "new" flavors this year are: Sweet & Spicy Grilled Shrimp

and Parmesan Shrimp. For the record, these damn things are like crack to me. I'm not kidding when I say that I think I could eat 100 of these things. I haven't tried, but if enough money was on the table I'd enjoy every moment of proving it could be done.

Damn Government

2011-08-08T15:31:00.001-05:00

You fuckup my interest rates and you're gonna get fired. Stupid bastards, what did you think would happen?

If I was King today I'd institute a plan that was based off a 3:1 ratio to fix this mess. Decrease spending by 3 parts, increase income by 1 part. Repeat for 10 years and kick the world in the balls because we'll be back where we should be financially as a country.

Maybe it's time to move somewhere tropical and drink rum drinks until I forget my name.

And if you think this is a political statement, bite me. I hate Obama, Democrats and Republicans equally as they are all douchebags who share in the blame. To try to assign blame would be like trying to identify which part of the fart stunk up the room.

Scotchelicious - Glendronach has something new

2011-07-31T20:50:00.001-05:00

The Glendronach Distillery's Sauternes Finish - Aged 14 Years is now my new favorite Scotch. Wow.
http://glendronachdistillery.com/products/sauternes14yo.php

Git ye some!

Big changes coming soon. I'll give details later as more is known.

If you're coming to Red Lobster to get hammered...

2011-07-02T22:51:00.000-05:00

We've had a new regular in our restaurant. Well...at least new to most of us, but I'll get to that back story later.

This new regular showed up about 8 weeks ago now I'm guessing, beginning of summer. The first night she came in, I had the pleasure of waiting on her. Wonderfully nice lady. Mid-40's, slightly overweight but carries it very well. Divorced, no kids, no cats!!!!!!! and one dog. Drives a pretty bad-assed Pontiac G8 that she's had tuned. We'll call her "Becky" for the story to protect the guilty.

I did my intro and she ordered a beer and a tequila chaser. A bit odd, but I didn't pry. She seemed happy, and was pleasant to me throughout the meal. She ate light, boxed half her salad and had the fish I recommended to her in the half portion size. When I brought out the salad the shot was gone and the beer was 2/3's empty as well. She asked for a second round. So I brought it thinking this would probably be the end. As she wrapped up her eating and I asked about desert, she asked that I bring her something fun from the bar. I rattled off a list of a few of my favorite after dinner drinks and Becky said "I've never had any of them, but I've never had a drink I didn't like so take your pick and bring it to me with the bill." I got her a Brandy Alexander (YUM!) Ice Cream drink, and since it was slow in the bar I actually got real ice cream instead of that fake nasty shit we normally use.

Lady.

Loved it.

Started coming onto me.

Asked if she could "thank me" after I got off of work.

She's pretty good looking.

Has money...but no. I've found a woman that puts up with me & I'm not looking for more than that at this point in my life.

I told her I was flattered and that she was about 20 years too late. Yes honey, we met 20 years ago. Gawd I'm old.

As she finished her drink & paid me (35% tip!) she asked me to chat for a few minutes. It was a slow night and I had side work I was already putting off until later anyhow, so I humored her. Got a bit of her back story. Her family owned a number of bars & restaurants that she oversees with a minimal amount of involvement. She said they were basically her trust fund/cash cow and that she pays people good sums of money to take care of them so she doesn't have to. She had recently moved to town to be closer to the hub of their operations since there are 5 establishments of her's in town. Yes, her's. Her parents both died last year and her sister didn't want any of it "since she's married to this rich lawyer prick."

Then she got to the point. Becky explained that she's a bit shy, new in town, and desperately wanted to get laid. But she didn't want to be some tramp at the local watering hole picking up who knows what, so she thought she'd come here, get drunk, and see where the night took her. How's that for being open and honest!

Then she apologized for hitting on me, which I told her again I took no offense at. She asked if I had any suggestions. I asked if she knew of the family adult toy shop down the street (yes, family! Actually a pretty classy place, no bad/nasty porn and not filled wall to wall with creepy pervs). She made it clear she didn't believe in toys. She wanted a man.

Now as a man I know at least 10 men who at any given time would have paid her for the pleasure, and as a waiter that number probably jumps to at least 100. But I found myself a bit reluctant to set her loose on anyone I knew, and I think she could sense it. So she thanked me for the conversation, finished her drink, and got up to leave (I assumed).

But as she made it to the lobby, she detoured to the bathroom. I quit paying attention at that point having noticed the tip she left, and got back to the side work I'd been putting off. Maybe a half hour later, I walked through the bar, and there she was bellied up to the bar chatting up one of my co-workers "Dave" who rides the bus home. He's a good guy, was a Marine for 10+ years & is back going to school now. He's in his early 30's, I figured he could handle himself if this went where I suspected it was going.

The next day it was the talk of the store. Apparently when she went into the bar, she asked the bar tender for another beer, shot of tequila, and if he wanted to fuck. That conversation didn't last long though because he's queerer than Liberace. Plus, he wouldn't serve her any more because he knew what she'd had already.

Dave jumped on that landmine from the best we can tell. He's an honorable man, so he didn't kiss & tell. But it was obvious when he showed up at work the next morning in his car rather than on the bus, and she was with him.

I gave him the raised eyebrow, and he just shrugged with a sheepish grin. Nothing more was said by him (or her) but there was a buzz for a week in the story. And now 8 weeks later, they're talking marriage. And the crazy thing is, I actually think it will work!

Becky has started to drive Dave to work & pick him up every day. They've looked at a home together, and even went on a vacation together. It is like a movie love story with one crazy beginning!

And it all started because she came to Red Lobster to get hammered.

Rapture Cats

2011-05-21T12:18:00.000-05:00

I think all the neighborhood cats have been raptured.

That or my shot is getting better.

I like Jesus, but Easter can suck my balls

2011-04-25T00:14:00.000-05:00

Easter. It should be a day of celebration. And for some it is. But rarely is it so for your server. Sure sometimes Easter can be a big money day, but that is not something you can bank on. You get stuck with a party of 14 who are celebrating Easter along with 22 birthdays (yes that math doesn't work, but I'm pretty sure that was what was going on today) and they camp out during peak volume for 2 1/2 hours. Hey folks, when I got your food on the table in 12 minutes from the time you ordered that means you need to shit & git. That lobby is full because of you. I have whiny skanky teenage zombies (aka hosts) bitching because they have parties waiting for my tables. And then you complain about a gratuity. When asked about the service by the manager you gave nothing but compliments. So when you came back in asking if we saved the cake you left behind it gave me great pleasure to inform you it was cleared by the busser and thrown in the garbage. And when you complained to the manager I laughed when they apologized and showed you the door.

What you can also bank on is assclowns in hats. There is a direct link to the number of hats and size of hats and how shitty your tip at that table will be. And if there are men wearing hats and the man is under the age of 60 you may as well just bend over as you approach the table and take it like a man. Crying only makes it worse.

Easter lunch is a horrible mix of old ladies in too much perfume, loud black families, dicks who think bible tracts are better than tips, and morons who let their kids drink 7 cokes and then wonder why they are running around in a PACKED and dangerous restaurant. Yes dangerous. I'll go out of my way to step on your crotch dropping if you let the bastards run through my section. When they smack their heads on chairs I actually laugh out loud. If that's the best your genes can do, stop. Save us all some pain.

Where the hell do all the grandmas come from on Easter. I swear I had a table where one guy had 4 grandmas.

And another table of mine I'm pretty sure they only had one grandma. That family tree didn't fork. But thankfully it is hard to yell "Squeal like a pig" while drinking your scampi butter.

And men in pink. Fucking pink. This isn't so much a macho issue as it is an issue about you looking like a douche. Only gay men can pull off pink, and that is only if they are really hot. The rest of you guys need to leave the pink to the good bits on the ladies.

So I worked my ass off today, and all I got from it was a headache, swamp ass near my 'taint, and barely enough money to make me consider coming back in on Monday. And I do mean barely.

Communist at Red Lobster - Welcome to the Gulag

2011-03-08T12:01:00.001-06:00

In my years I've seen Red Lobster (Darden) do some pretty petty and asinine things to screw their best employees. They do it regularly enough that it has become par for the course.

If you click on my profile it says:
I've worked for Red Lobster for the better part of a decade. They used to care for their employees, now we're just another warm body in their soulless corporation. The views expressed here are OBVIOUSLY not corporate Red Lobster's or Darden's. If you can't figure that out, press your call button and someone will be right by to smack you in the head with a hammer.
The blog formerly known as "Red Lobster hates its employees".

I've been sounding this warning for years now. Red Lobster hates its employees. You are just another cog in the machine. Start squeaking and you don't get oiled, you get removed and replaced with another nameless cog.

Some tool at the corporate level has bought into the communist ideal - and for those of you readers too young to remember communism was a shitty way to run a country, and it's an even worse way to run your company.

What am I talking about you ask? Well later this month all servers will be REQUIRED to have their earnings garnished as a "tip out" for bartenders and bussers. Further, the bartenders, many of whom have a lot of years with the company, will arbitrarily have their hourly wages significantly reduced.

What are the ramifications of this? First, it shits on the experienced day time bartender. Sales are low during the day time shifts, but they often do a vast majority of the prep for the night time crew who will be too busy to do so. So now in its corporate incompetence Darden thinks adjusting the business model to screw the hand that stirs their drink is wise business. Pathetic abuse of some exceptional employees.

Further, it disproportionately punishes any sever working a daytime shift where far fewer alcoholic beverages are being served, because regardless of whether you sell a drink, the communist party at Darden is taking your money. And if you live in a region of the USA where there is limited alcohol consumption *looking at you closet alcoholics in Utah* then you're just fucked and asked to like it and come back tomorrow for two more servings.

Now here's where I'm going to piss off some of my fellow servers, but I'm calling some of you lazy dogs out here.

How will this impact servers? For a lot, especially the shitty ones, it'll cost them money. Here comes the rant.

If you are a lazy incompetent server, this is going to cost you a boatload of cash. So hopefully it'll make some of you whiny bitches hit the bricks.

What do I mean? If you were all selling drinks like you were supposed to, and my drink sales are evidence that it IS possible, then this wouldn't be such a massive clusterfuck. Furthermore, if you tipped out as well as you claimed you did you stingy chintzy bastards, none of this would matter.

What do I mean? For years now I've tipped out AT LEAST 10% of all my bar sales to my bar tenders. It's only fair. And 10% of my bar sales on 90% of my shifts is a shitload more cash going to the bartender than this new system. So in reality, because I'm good at my job, because I can sell shit - ketchup popsicles to ladies in white mink gloves biatch - I will actually take home more money due to this policy. But I know I am in the minority in this. And I ALWAYS tip my busser(s) prior to my shift so I know they'll be working their asses off for me rather than waiting and wondering. And when I do well, I give them more at the end of the shift. And believe me, the bussers do work their asses off in my section while...not so much in the other cheap prick's areas.

Why is Red Lobster kicking their front of the house employees in the balls (again)? Because it will save them $4-5 million on the bottom line. Never mind the fact they'll likely loose some of their best bartenders over this. Never mind the fact they'll have training costs because of it. Never mind the fact that they will have reduced productivity because of it. Never mind they further reduce already shitty moral in many stores across the country and did nothing but generate ill will towards themselves. You can only fuck with your people for so long and then things happen. It would NOT surprise me if a movement begins in Red Lobsters across the country to move towards unionization because of this. Check out UNITE HERE if you are interested.

Happy VD! (Valentine's Day that is)

2011-02-14T17:36:00.000-06:00

Valentine's Day is generally one of my two favorite nights of the year to work (New Years being the other one). Lots of 2 tops, generally quick turn over, and lots of money to be made if the cooks don't fuck it all up and get behind.

The drawback is that the significant other in you life just won't understand when you can't EVER get this day off of work. So just buy some extra chocolates on the way home, or plant for a few extra blow jobs to make it up. Yes ladies, I just equated chocolate to blow jobs. Deal with it.

But the one thing that always happens is some amateur will undoubtedly propose during the evening. This is shitty on a number of levels.

1. It makes all the other commit-o-phobes look like assholes.
2. It makes the slackers who aren't ready to move out of mom's basement talk about one of the few things in life they don't want to talk about - marriage. Another one would be used grandma panties. I've done surveys.
3. You couldn't come up with a better place to ask the woman of your dreams to spend the rest of her life with you than a place that smells like fryer grease and dock worker ass crack?
4. You really think trusting your 1/5 carrot wing to a highly caffeinated college dropout pothead server is a wise part of the plan?
5. You were probably already getting laid tonight - it's Valentine's Day. So why waste that when you could use the ring at some future date and get guaranteed nookie again?
6. Back to #3 for a moment - Seriously? This was all you could come up with? I'd rather propose at the bus stop.

I quit counting a long time ago the number of people I've "helped" with their proposal. Ring in the champaign, ring in the shrimp scampi (no, not kidding), ring on a string for a balloon. But what I do still count is rejections. Three. I've been the witness to 3 major fails.

One was so full of fail that the girl actually walked out on the guy after he proposed. Brother didn't do his homework I guess.

Best one ever though, and I'd gladly do this again, was a Marine who came back on leave without telling his girlfriend he got a week to come home from Afghanistan. Her friends took her out as a "group date" since they were all kinda fugly/homely looking and didn't have dates themselves I'm guessing. But they were awesome friends, because they were all in on it - he had called them on his way back to the USA and set it all up. Her back was to the door, so she didn't see him until he literally knelt down beside her at the table. She lost it. Her friends lost it, hell most of the staff and half the restaurant lost it. He was still in his BDU's (I think that's what they are called anyhow). When she said yes the place erupted with a cheer and after a few congratulations Mr. Marine took her (leaving the friends to stay and eat) to some nice restaurant elsewhere.

Good luck tonight, make lots of cash.

I love the holidays! I hate the holidaze.

2010-12-18T12:51:00.000-06:00

As a server I both love and hate this time of year.

Love - people out having a good time, spending money, sometimes being generous with it.

Love - regulars who give me extra tips and gifts.

Love - managers who give cool things (shh...don't tell!).

Love - cheery mood of many celebrating Christmas parties.

Love - extra hours, extra shifts and a full restaurant.

Love - after work making a fire in the fireplace and sipping some port.

Hate - splitting all the big parties with incompetent coworkers. Or as I call it babysitting the children.

Hate - grinchy and grumpy old bastards.

Hate - grandma's who pay for the family and still tip like she's in the old country. $4 on your $139 ticket is not appropriate you old drunken hag.

Love - family members who leave extra money behind after grandma leaves praising my service.

Hate - extra hours, extra shifts, and a full restaurant when I'm pushing 40 hours and they won't let me take more.

Hate - your blinking dumbass Christmas pin.

Hate - cleaning up all your wrapping paper.

Love - endless shrimp is over.

Hate - Endless shrimp. Just so we're clear.

Hate - idiots who don't know how to drive in snow, which slows down traffic every day, and nearly makes me late to work. Learn to drive or park it. The snow isn't going away.

Hate - walking out to a frozen car after my shifts. Where's that global warming when I need it?

Hate - new work shoes. Damn demon possessed non-slip pieces of garbage. Non-slip my ass. Ever walked on ice in these things? Might as well be walking on ball bearings.

If I don't get a chance to say it before, have a merry Christmas!