Can't Keep It In No More

ARTS AND CRAFTS

2013-05-23T17:04:00.003-07:00

Hobby Lobby Stores want an exemption from a federal health care law requiring employers to offer health coverage that includes the morning-after pill.

They think businesses should be allowed exception from that part of the law if it violates their religious beliefs. Why does everything have to be a legal battle? Hobby Lobby is all for fun. Why not combine your religion with your business and be a marketing sensation?

For some people, sex is a hobby. Why not let it express your creativity? Instead of wrangling over the morning after, I think they should start selling condoms crafts. Then you can enjoy your hobby and God can stay out of it.

With Condom Crafts you could fuck and make a Pope.

Be naughty, nice and build a Santa.

Design a raincoat for your fruit. That's an original fruit dehydrator. Have your sex and eat it too.

Keep the sex alive by defying death with condom bungee cord bondage

And afterward, dress for dinner. Now there's a fashion statement.

See how simple things can be? Keep the lobby out of hobby, God outta health insurance and always practice safe craft.

(c) copyright donna maysack
me and google images

STRAIGHT UP

2013-05-21T16:34:00.002-07:00

(sung to the tune of, 'Why Can't We Be Friends," written by, War)

Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay
Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?

I've had a lot of guys and they're all dicks

I wish I could just make myself like chicks.

Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?

I just can't excited over this

It doesn't matter if she has big tits.

Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?

I think flowers are perfect for two lips

And like the ones that are above the hips.

Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?

I just like women even tho I'm straight

But couldn't ever have one as a mate.

I just can't be gay.
I just can't be gay.
I just can't be gay.
I just can't be gay.

Don't need a ring or even want to wed

It just looks like this guy could use some head

Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?

And we all know cowboys are real cute

Hung like a horse, just look at his big boot.

Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?

The truth is I know the reason that I'm not

Is cuz this guy is just so fuckin hot.

Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?
Why can't I be gay?...

(c) copyright donna maysack 2013
google image

PRINCESS MADE ME BREAKFAST IN BED

2013-05-21T09:18:00.002-07:00

WITH A, 'SIDE OF MONEY'.

UNORGANIZED RELIGION

2013-05-19T17:25:00.001-07:00

All this time I thought he was stealing, he may have just been practicing religion.

Unfortunately for him, cops aren't Buddhists.

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GUARDIAN AND LIGHT EM

2013-05-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

My teens just told me that since they were babies, they've been waitin in the car while dad makes drug deals and comes out high. They didn't realize at first, but now they're old enough to know, "fishing gear" doesn't smell like pot.

How can I keep them off drugs when they know their dad's doing em? I've asked for years if they ever see the dealer, and they always say no. I was askin the wrong question. They never saw him cause they were left in the car.

Oh I know, I should tell the judge, right? I did. In Wisconsin it's real important for each parent to share custody, even on drug deals. It's in the best interest of the children. That way they can split the bag.

(c) copyright donna maysack 2013

BOO DUH

2013-05-19T16:59:00.000-07:00

I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?

2013-05-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

Thank you Kelly, not only for this award, but for attaching no strings. She's a string breakin rebel with a great sense of humor and the gift of story-telling. I'm sure you know her, so go visit and see what she's been up to as of late. Funny girl who tells it like it is...that's why I love her.

SOME BUTTS ABOUT IT

2013-05-16T17:13:00.000-07:00

You know I live under a rock and and every time I come out, I wish I hadn't. Today was a day off so I watched tv and discovered Nikki Minaq. Now I'm scared. I really can't comment on her artistic ability, but she seems like a disgusting personality. The way she treats her "assistants," is revolting. When I was a kid singers sang, now they design clothes, shoes, fragrances and do reality shows. I don't know if she can sing, but wish she wouldn't talk. It could be all the other shit in my head, but her nasal hum tone incites violence in me.

She says somedays she needs her fans to get outta bed, but I think she may need a crane and that isn't a fat joke. She isn't fat and I'm not joking. She could star in the reality series, "When Implants Go Bad." She looks like she weighs 90 pounds, but her ass weighs 300. Let me correct myself, her asses weigh 300. She has 3. She measures 34-26-45. It's all in the intentional, unfortunate disportion. It's not too many cupcakes or hormones, she bought and parades those asses.

Now you all know I'm kickin my own outta the way, so I can joke if I wanna and wtf? Her implants musta been bowling balls and watermelons. Mine's no prize, but at least it hangs. Hers needs it's own house, with a big ass lock on the door. This ain't a black thing, it ain't a fat thing, it's a gross thing growing out the side of her hip. Ya know I'm such a dweeb, I didn't even realize people put shit in their ass to make them inflate like hot air balloons, but here she is before:

And now:

I ain't a guy so might not know what's sexy, but that looks hard. I can respect a hard ass, but from this angle, she looks like a dumb one. She paid for that and by the width of things, could have fed an Ethiopian orphan for life. Hell, maybe that's what she had implanted. She's only 5'2, but must be taller than everyone else when she sits down.

I got this thing goin right now. I say what I want and if you disagree, go to your own blog and write. So if you're gonna tell me what a talent she is, don't. This one's about her butt. In return for your silence, I solemnly promise no matter how much money I ever have, I'll never stick bowling balls or toddlers, in my ass.

(c) copyright donna maysack 2013
google images

THE REAL THING

2013-05-16T08:45:00.001-07:00

I get it facebook, everything I love to eat and drink is gonna kill me. Bring it.

And now for the properties of COKE:

1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

Do you see why this could be really useful in my life?

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

But why the fuck would you? Put it in my mouth, it's gone in minutes and can ya refill my coke?

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the “real thing” sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

Who the fuck wants to wait an hour to clean a toilet? There's plenty of more harmful chemicals that can do the job in seconds.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

I'm seein a trend, not only delicious, but versatile.

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

If it cleans rust, it cleans corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

Does water make you redundant?

7. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

Ya know, 'add detergent,' is a big part of this.

IMPORTANT INFO

1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.

Why do you need to dissolve nails?

2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.

Well yeh, don't ya think it would be pretty sticky if a concentrated Coke truck spilled?

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Good thing cause I don't want em to break down when delivering my Coke.

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke?

A fuckin coke, artery clogging cannolli and cream puff washed down with a glass of water sounds like lunch to me.

(c) copyright donna maysack 2013

THE FINAL BATTLE

2013-05-14T10:48:00.004-07:00

The moment

I was havin a good day.

God stepped in

He showed what I couldn't have seen

Truth faced me

I couldn't pretend

I realized you meant it

You're not an accidental asshole.

The moment I had to find courage

not ready

have to be.

The moment I realized I'm not loved

I'm alone

I've spent my life.

The moment it's not about money, but self respect

How low will I let you drag me?

I reached the deep end on Christmas

But knew even then it wasn't the real end.

Yet.

You've pulled me lower now,
but I'm not drowning

I'm not pulling you under

You won't find me when they drag the lake.

I'm swimming away.

And making you pay

Cause your mom forgot to tell you what my felon knows,

stealing is wrong.

you can't take mine because you're mad,

for revenge,

cause you want to

and cuz i don't let you.

I'm not ready for your retribution,

but there's freedom knowing I'll never be.

so be.

I've lived through worse

and if i don't, there's more freedom in not caring.

Either way, I'm the one who got away.

did i mention, fuck off.

(c) copyright donna maysack 2013

TIME OUT

2013-05-13T18:08:00.003-07:00

OLD TRICKS

2013-05-12T17:33:00.001-07:00

EVEN FELONS LOVE THEIR MAS

2013-05-12T14:28:00.001-07:00

I'M SORRY

2013-05-12T12:28:00.000-07:00

WHO'S PLAYIN?

2013-05-10T23:51:00.001-07:00

This mother of a drug addict tires of the phase he doesn't get thru and experiments he continues to perform. "He'll grow out of it. It's just a phase. Everyone experiments." Yawn.

Happened to be outside Friday night when Seventeen's friend, Brandon, got in his car. Brandon and Seventeen were 'at a movie' so I texted,
"Where are you?"
"At the movie."
"With Brandon?"
"What? I'll text you after the movie."
That text never came so, when he arrived at 1:00 am, I asked where he'd been.
"At the movie."
"With who?"
"Brandon."
"No you weren't."
"Yes I was."
"No you weren't."
"Yes I was."
"No you weren't"
"Yes I was!"I gotta Slushie! See?!" and he shook the cup at me in the dark and threw it away before running upstairs to shower, because pot makes ya thirsty, but ya can't remember where you bought your Slushie. When ya do, ya run upstairs and hop in the shower cause ya realize you just admitted you weren't at the movies and smell like, well, pot. I checked the cup and when he got out, asked what was playin at the Speedway.

"What?"
"I get gas there all the time, I never seen any movies."
"Shut up! I'm so sick of you! He read my mind, then SLAM! and there it was, the teenage moment, snuck up on me. I thought I was just gonna sniff his clothes and argue. I'm never ready to be disrespected and yes, in my dictionary, "Shut up," is disrespect. No, it's not physical and there was no swearing, but slammed doors make me walk in.

"How many times in your entire life have I told you to shut up?"
"I don't know, maybe a few?"
"A few. And what did I say right after?"
"I'm sorry."

Before you judge, recall I've had under 10 year olds for 33 years. 'Shut up,' has slipped out a few times, but it's always much milder than what I was thinkin and often, wanted to say.

"Leave me alone!" stuffing his face with nacho chips.

"Ya hungry?" Pot will do that too.

"I'm goin to Dad's."

What a coincidence, that's what his brother had done earlier. It's easier to be with a parent who doesn't. According to the shrink, Seventeen's severely depressed and not usin drugs. So what's the problem? Pot. Pot makes it so ya can't understand your mom and your nose stops workin, so when ya spray cologne, ya don't realize it enhances, rather than disguises, pot.

Who the fuck does he think he's kiddin? I gotta heroin addict downtown who's not bar, but jail hoppin. He was released from the pen and within 7 days, was in the county. Good thing, cause I didn't know what to do with my one fuckin free week end.

Next week he's goin to a half-way home. That's half-way between jail and my house. You can smoke, have to be in by 10 and get more than bologna and an apple for dinner, but ya can't just leave whenever ya want and there's other felons. We don't have any extra here.

But we got pothead, which explains failin classes, skippin school, destroyin moms car, not rememberin how and watchin movies at the gas station. Pot works by a linear backslide system. Once you've crossed the line of breaking the law, you backslide all the way to 33 year old sittin in ma's basement.

Crack the window. Did you even look for a job today? No ma, but I saw Ironman at the gas station. Wow, that must be some killer dope. Backslide to lying. Standing there telling me you weren't wearing the shirt I just saw you in 2 seconds ago. Pot convinces you you're smarter than me cause no matter what you say, I know how it smells and we weren't smokin while you were out, so?? Slip back to losing your job for givin away Slushies and popcorn. And it all starts makin sense. Just took me awhile cause Imma little burnt out.

Pot's the fastest way to go from straight, 'A' soccer to basement. Especially when mixed with catchy rap lyrics like, "You suck, you suck, you suck, you suck." Wonder how long it took to write that one hit and why you're playin it so loud. Stand a little closer, I wanna contact eye.

Just kiddin, I don't need a hit. My tolerance is low and he has an Xbox I can shove up his ass. Just call me the controller cause I played this game before and I'm not gonna lose another.

BE MORE CLEAR

2013-05-10T21:52:00.000-07:00

Fuck has a, 'c'. If you spell it, 'fuk,' or, 'fu*k', it's still, 'fuck'. Taking the, 'c,' out is just a typo or a star.

Take a stand, facebook "un-swearers." Don't be an ass. Swear or don't. There's no inbetween, it's a black or white deal. There's lots of alternatives like, 'frick', frig, flip and duck, but, 'fuck,' is king to me, buttfuck, and deserves each letter, including, 'c'.

We're not British, we say, 'shit,' and if you spell it with an, 'e.' it's still shit. This is America, we have ass (pleanty of it) so much in fact, it doesn't need an r. Ass is ass enough. If you're so afraid to offend you have to alternately spell, don't swear, but don't pretend like you're above it because you misspell. I'm glad you didn't have kids cuz there'd be another Jaxon or ja*on. What the fuck is wrong with, 'c'???? It stands for, 'cunt,' and yes, that's me.

If any word has earned its' letters it's, 'fuck'. From pleasure to rage, goofing off to pain, being drunk or horribly bored, it works. It's so versatile you can dress it up or use it plain. You can be fucked up or get up and fuck. It's a noun, verb, adverb and adjective. You can even use it backwards, kinda poetic-fuck you, you fuck. It's a passionate invitation and powerful repellent. It's all-around-all-purposeful.

What other word accommodates every occasion? Everywhere? Every time? If you're happy and you know it you say, 'fuck,' and if you're pissed off it fits like a fuckin glove. You could add it to, just about, every sentence. Like seasoning to fillet it, it's a flavor enhancer, always adding color and flair. Depending on its placement, it brings levity (that's so fuckin funny) or emphasis (shut the fuck up) at just the right spot. Wherever it goes, it's right at home and makes its point. Even texting-OMG doesn't pack near the punch as, 'OMFG'. See what I mean?

So use it or lose it, but make up your mouth. You can't half swear, it's like a little pregnant, you're either fucked or not.

FACEBOOK HURTS

2013-05-10T20:49:00.002-07:00

If you really think someone hates their life and feels like shit, you aren't helping them by pointing it out.

CHINA DOLL

2013-05-09T17:52:00.003-07:00

I finally found the pattern that fits me to a t.

SHE KILT IT

2013-05-06T21:13:00.001-07:00

Thank you Menopausal Mama for this Triumph Trophy. You all know her, but go see how she managed to not kill her son today. While you're at it, visit Baking In A Tornado and Black Sheep Mom and tell em I sent ya.

This award is extra cool cuz there's few strings attached:

1) Display the trophy on your post.
2) Write a short piece that starts with: I Didn't Kill____Today. It doesn't have to be a person; it can be an appliance, a business, or anything else you choose.
3) Nominate a few people and let them know it's their turn to vent!

I didn't kill a liar, thief, felon, Canadian, teenager, or myself today, but it's still early and there's always tomorrow.

I give this award to:

Kelly because I know I'm gonna laugh at her answer.

JerseyLil because she needs to vent more often.

Dev cause he's gonna make a cartoon of me.

Admittedly mine's hardly a post, but imagine all of them in your life. Isn't is better to hire an attorney?

(c) donna maysack 2013

LIEBSTER AND A HIT

2013-05-06T20:22:00.002-07:00

Thank you JerseyLil for this Liebster Award. This award can only be given to those with fewer than 200 followers. That explains why I'm the only one left to receive it. JerseyLil has the most beautiful blog. She writes stories and lately, has been impressing us with her photographic abilities. Go see how she blogs Spring.

The rules:

1. Display the Award image in your blog post.
2. Link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
3. Post 11 random facts about yourself.
4. Answer 11 questions from the person giving you the award.
5. Create 11 new questions for your nominees to answer
6. Pass the award to 11 bloggers with fewer than 200 followers and link them in your post. Notify the nominees.

Random facts:

I think one of God's greatest, most versatile creations is the potato.

I make the best lemon squares.

Squirt and pineapple oj is one of my favorite drinks.

I hate coffee.

God loves us all.

People I used to love are stealing from me and my kids.

We're at war.

I hired an attorney.

He's gonna fight for us.

Last time I went to court my heart muscle suddenly weakened.

That's not gonna happen this time.

Jersey's questions:

1). Why did you start blogging?

My daughter and brother encouraged me.

2). What is your favorite quote or saying?

I don't play favorites, except for Haagen Daaz, but what I'm tryin to live by these days is, "Have no phone, close your mouth, walk away let it go." As with most, easier to say than do.

3). Given a choice of various restaurants, what type of food would you choose?

Good.

4). Do you have a favorite movie from last year?

I only saw 3 and that was before my son got fired from the movie theater so I'd have to go with Madagascar 3.

5). If you had the chance to meet one person for a day, who would it be?

Jesus.

6). Do you prefer beach or mountains?

Beach.

7). If space travel were as common and safe as traveling on an airplane, would you go?

I'd back flip off the International Space Station.

8). If you had a time machine, would you go to the past or the future? Why?

I'd go back to see the creation of earth, then come back to tell Hawking he thinks too much.

9). Do you have a bucket list?

No, but I have a grocery list and just once I'd like to get all the things on it before I die.

10). If your life became a movie, what actress or actor would you cast in the starring role as you?

Mr. T

11). Do clowns scare you? Would that prevent you from going to McDonald’s? (OK, just having fun here…lol!)

If you're talkin circus clowns then no and no.

My questions:

1). Do you have a gun?

2). Is it in your name?

3). If not, can it be traced?

4). If not, can I borrow it?

5). Do you need it back?

6). Does it have a silencer?

7) Is your dna in a national database?

8). Do you know how to remove serial numbers?

9). Are you squeamish around blood?

10). How fast is your car?

11). You gotta better idea?

Pass along the love:

Anyone willing to help me out wins the Liebster! Just be like me and make sure you're not followed.

(p.s. felons need not apply, yes that means YOU!)

MY SON WROTE AND SINGS THIS SONG

2013-05-03T17:21:00.001-07:00

(that chorus isn't his, that's mac miller, he's the rapper)

(c) henry maysack 2011, 2012,2013

I WARNED YOU

2013-05-03T16:47:00.002-07:00

I'm tryin just to lose your head.....

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I'LL FINISH IT

2013-05-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

Don't push me cuz you're close to the edge

And I'm pushin back. You started it.

(c) copyright donna maysack
google image
Ed "Duke Bootee" Fletcher and Furious Five MC Melle Mel

DIRTY DITTY

2013-05-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

(sung to the tune of, "dirty work" written by, " Walter Carl Becker and Jay Donald Fagen, sung by Steely Dan)

You're lazy
Seventeen looks bad, ya see
And you found yourself a motha
Who will do the job for free

When you need some clean pajamas
Cause you wore em all day long
That's the time you get me playin
The washer/dryer singin song

(CHORUS)
I'm a fool to wash your dirty clothes
Oh yeah
I don't want to wash your dirty clothes

No more
I'm a fool to do your dirty clothes
Oh yeah

Dirty socks there
Piled high behind the door
You have boxers in the bathroom
Lyin on the tile floor

Like the Levis stuck in the chute
I am hanging by a thread
You have run out of your clean shirts
Cuz they're shoved under your bed.

(CHORUS)
I'm a fool to wash your dirty clothes

Oh yeah

I don't want to wash your dirty clothes

No more

I'm a fool to do your dirty clothes

Oh no

google images

ALL NIGHTER

2013-05-02T07:07:00.002-07:00

when i stay up all night shit pops into my mania

my neck's having a hot flash and my tits are wrinkled

my daughter wants to know what i've done with her real parents, the king and queen and when they'll will be returning for her. she thinks they'll be displeased with me when they arrive.

she tells everyone her name's Cathy

that's normal, right?

can't get a man, tho i don't really try. why can't i be gay? i bet i could get a girl and wouldn't have to shave cuz she'd get it, but wouldn't have it so we couldn't do it, keep your comment to yourself japin ape, I'm sure you could figure a way around it, but I couldn't. i'd be bad at gay, like i know i would never tongue, so whats left? shut up gorilla it's rhetorical.

dats ghetto:

a shoppin cart is your car

loud rattlin down the street at 3 am

my neighbors fightin for 2 days.

my felon was outta prison for 7

day whole house end up on dah curb

he went back to dah county

dats ghetto.

i dont care what i'll learn, school's too hard. i dont need another lesson, can i drop out? oprah's gotta show called, 'master class.' mrs. ass you can teach me how to lick vagina's. who the fuck does she think she is? the big o. her 15 minutes are ooooover, she thinks she da master. masser. i guess she kinda is, she's bigger than walmart. spawn, she beat you to it. there's your target, should you accept it. in order to achieve world dominance you gotta bring her down. she's like a helium balloon on crack. way way way up her own ass

I don't have to hurt the ones who hurt me. It can be of natural causes.

(c) sleep'sjustaword 2013