ZOE... Yes, I'm A Bitch!

Showy Offy Tool of the Peoples

2011-03-21T15:20:00.000-07:00

Ya know... It is guys like this that get me to thinking I may have misjudged cats.

Guilty Pup

2011-03-18T14:04:00.000-07:00

It is tough being an honest dog. Meet Denver - the Kitty Treat Hound:

There's Always One!

2011-02-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

Who has to ruin it for the rest of us. Luckily, I have hidden this from Super S.

She needn't know.

The Pictures of Confection

2011-01-15T22:32:00.000-08:00

I KNOW you want to "Awwwweee!"

Go ahead. I will wait. I am used to it.

Cute aren't I? I am also sweet. As you can see I am thoroughly covered with powdered sugar and ready to be devoured.

Funny. Powdered sugar does not taste sweet like I thought it might. I wonder what all the fuss is.

: )

Notes From the CIA Field Manual

2011-01-14T23:44:00.000-08:00

1.45.A: When confronted by a ruthless and evil terrorist as shown below. Whatever you do - DO NOT PANIC AND ATTEMPT TO FREE YOURSELF BY GNAWING OFF YOUR OWN LEG!

1.45.B: GO DIRECTLY FOR THE ACHILLES!

(And never forget to protect the flank with the tail.)

ZOE! Dog Versus Nature!

2011-01-14T23:23:00.000-08:00


Welcome to my domain.

Beautiful no? And WILD. Perfect for me, ZOE!, Star of the fabulously popular reality show "Dog Versus Nature"!

This is the part where I introduce you to today's WILD adventure!

I will be showing you city folk how the real woodsman roughs it in the wild. No fancy showers or trotting off to the germ infested gym for a solid daily workout. No, I, ZOE! Dog Versus Nature, will show you, the home viewer, how to bathe and exercise all at once, all naturey and in record time so we have the rest of the day to chase sticks and lay out in the sun... in NATURE!
Yeah, I toned down the green. Way too flashy for the down low ZOE! Dog Versus Nature.

So here we are in the... hey this water is frigid! And what are these things below the water? Where are my anti skids? These things are slippery! I think something just bit me! And the water is all rushy!

TOWEL!

Is that white stuff milk? Cuz I AM thirsty from all this exercise. I think I will just head on over there.

Phew. A pile of sticks! It is a dream come true.

Jeesh! I wish the water was not so pully!

HELP! Being S U C K E D into the stick vortex! Cannot escape. Need MORE power SCOTTY!

Nature: Not all it's cracked up to be.

; )

Grilling Nightmares - With Zoebert

2011-01-14T22:46:00.000-08:00

You know what? He is gonna ruin my burger. All that smoke and dust. One too many scotches my friend. Hey. Come to think of it - Where the hell is my scotch?

Yeah. Blow on it. Get a dust buster. Are you spitting? I like mine rare. This guy never listens!

This guy... you'd think he'd know how to handle the meat. (snicker - and not the peanut and nougat variety either) I could do a thousand trillion zillion times better.

I'm hungry.

Hmmm... that IS pretty lalishus smelling. What? You meant for it to smoke? BRILLIANT! Slap it on a bun and do not forget the pickle this time. My fixations will NOT be denied! WHAT? It is for S-Bert?

Another night of denial.

I got the music in me!

2010-09-02T22:39:00.000-07:00

I got the Music in me and then I got me a little a little muchachito in me. It was hot, we were feeling the beat... a little too much tequila. Off went the green skirt! Arrrrrrriba!

Mierda sucede when you party nekid.

*
*

Needy Needy Dawg!

2010-08-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

Good to know there are some more needy than I. I have been accused. You know who you are. Please view this here videeyah!

What are you a pelican? Watch a few more of this guys videos. He is talented and funny!

I am the EPICENTER of squeely girl attention

2010-06-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

I am lapping up the attention

I love hanging with the popular girls!

They love me... they REALLY love me!

Chez Zoe

2010-06-10T13:33:00.000-07:00

Yeah.

It is ugly 'round these parts come Spring.

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner!

2010-06-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

Meet Pauly W. McQuacker

A.K.A. "Gimpy"

Yet another invader who tries to supplant me in the home hierarchy system I have so skillfully cultivated here at Chez Zoe. Not only did he try to play the old cute card (been there - ) but is also is playing the ultimate Chez Zoe trump card "I hurting". Yep. The limp.

He knows my woman well. No sooner did he hobble up to her all quacks and feather ruffling... leg dragging pitifully behind him did she scoop that faker poser up, nestled him, smoothed his feathers and wisked him into the house - INTO THE KITCHEN! MY SPOT! CAD!

You can guess where I went. Yep. Out to my secret laboratory to whip up a tar mash to drown that little quack in. I am gonna bite his head off, shake his feathers off and then sling him into the tar vat! Alas, when I searched my secret laboratory - no vat! I ran upstairs and into the kitchen all the while worrying about what I might see there. Will she be hand feeding him peeled grapes? Tossing him a mixed salad? You know how she is. But he was nowhere to be found when I got to the kitchen. She was there... and there was my vat! What was she doing with my vat?

Zoe: Where is Gimpy? Perchance he flew the coop?
Woman: No. I am giving him a bath in your vat.

Foiled. Grumble grumble grumble. Skulk down to my sulking room. It was worse than I thought.

Cut to dinner time.

Kibble tastes strangely, exquisitely, luxuriously rich. Finally. The first time in my life I have not pined away for what they are eating. Why, I have never even heard of confit. I will confess - I did want the potatoes, but who doesn't?

I wonder where ol' Gimpy flew to. Who would want to fly from a place where the woman bathes you and pets you and hold you in her arms and feeds you tasty treats?

Ducks are a mystery to me.

Sunday Brunch with Ginger

2010-06-06T14:01:00.000-07:00

Follies Ginger:

Enjoy

Click Here BIG DUMMY!!!

OMG!

2010-05-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

Oh my God

Oh My GOD

OH MY GOD!

LookLookLookLookLookLookLookLookLookLookLookLook

See anything up there?

I can feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel it buzzing! EWE!

HELP!

I think I inhaled a fly!

I did I did I did

I did

What do you mean I am imagining it? But but but.... I feels it.

I do not know what you are talking about... what show? Oh. Them.

What do you mean? Seriously, they eat flies for breakfast?

Get serious. Only reptiles - you know snakes and lizards - eat flies for breakfast.

Ah yes. Point taken, point taken.

Then why did you get me all panicky like? JEESH!

I still do not really believe you.

Show me.

Click here: ---> What The Turds at NBC Eat for Breakfast

It's Another Te(hiccup!)quila Sunrise

2010-05-20T23:13:00.000-07:00

Did I tell you I turned 21? No? Maybe because I was so busy.... PARTAAAYYY ing. Stop screaming! Head. ACHES.

How many Cinco De Mayos did I have to endure watching those puns shooting down tequila and eating nachos? Did you know that Mexicans do not really eat nachos and that is more of an amazing American invention? God BLESS America!!

I digress.

It was two long years before I could bamba la bamba... hit the old pinata!... do the taQUIto! God I can make anything sound dirty. I just discovered that when I started drinking tequila and I must say - very very rewarding. I shall add it to my very long and illustrious resume.

Oh so Cinco De Mayo TEQUILA (shhhh) fest:

Me and my man Stan and my freaky pinky friend went out for a little salt, lime and a boozerin'

** Did you know the shot does not count or make you drunk if they blow a whistle in your ear and shake your head until you concuss? It is true. The headache you feel in the morning is from the shaken drinker syndrome. No lie. Look it up if you don't believe me.

So here is me in my sombrero. ~~Cute~~ loaded ,no?

And then here are my pals in the morning. LIGHTWEIGHTS

And here is the beautiful tequila sunrise I woke to the following day.

... Which I was totally in love with and was totally bustin the Eagles tune (yes, that is what the hip and cool Zoe sez) when some tard (sorry Sarah) broke in and told me that it was the sunset and I had been passed out for 2 days straight. Like she'd never done that...

Lessons learned:
Pinto beans do not digest as quickly as everything else.
I will not be ordering anything involving culinary foam for a while
A spot of courage is a dangerous thing.
Never trust a guy who wears feathers as his every day suit.
The worm is not just the thing at the bottom of the tequila bottle. Har.

Peace. Out.

See? Cool huh?

Ode to Snow

2010-04-20T08:13:00.000-07:00

What is not to LOVE about snow?

Oh.. untrodden snow in the hood. The lure!

You can make snow angels

And devils

But mostly it is fun to run in it, slip around in it, slid over it and eat it!

Speaking of... enjoy.

Click right HERE!!!!! My Kin Enjoying SNOW

Dose of Adorable

2010-04-05T08:44:00.000-07:00

My Typist is feeling a bit nostalgic today. She was cleaning out my files (no, that is not code for something else!) when she came upon some cute photos of me (of course) and the neighbor (freaking jackass) when she was but a mere jackassette.

Enjoy them my biped friends.

Could you figure out which one was Evie? We furries all look alike when we are babies... all big ears and snuggliness!

I Have a Secret Fetish

2010-04-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or is the word fetish like the BEST word to describe fetish? It sounds... kink.

OK that out of the way...

Y'all know that I have all sorts of ~ shall we say ~ eccentricities.

I like to indulge in occasional stranger in the park poop feed. I like toooo... rub my butt along the carpet and hump the neighbor dog like a complete whore even though nothing will ever come of it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXX

What? That is not me? That is Bruiser, half lab half chihuahua puta? Poo-tah... OK that is funny. See how that joins those two fetish sentences?
POO-TAH. Did you see that? Joined?

Fine.

Where was I? Oh yeah - OK I do not drag ass or hump. That is in fact, that half-breed chihuahua Bruisy. But I do like to eat other dog's poop. I am SO that nasty girl. Fetishy little dirty girl....
WHAT?

Zoe cannot indulge in a little smut talk? No? Fine. Goodytwoshoesfunspoilingturdliftingstooge!

Oh yes. The secret fetish. Hardeehar! HAR!!! HARRRR MAYTEE! Shiver me TIMBERS! Wait... does that work? Timber shivering? No?

Stickler.

OK so when I am alone, lying in bed... and the (ahem) feeling comes over me. And I KNOW that they are a mere step away, waiting to climb in my mouth... puffy... white... and... just a bit gooey. (Squeel!) I tippity toe over to the waste can and grab me a

Fully. Loaded. Kleenex!

Again with the potty minds Dear Reader?

GOOD!

We kinks will get along juuuuust fiiiiine! Glad you are finally falling in line.

I Got Him LICKED!

2010-04-04T20:20:00.000-07:00

Gene Simmons:

Meet...

Jeanie Simmons:

Need I say I am popular with the gents? Yeah. Thought not.

Much Ado About... MURDER!

2010-04-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

The snow has cleared and here I am on a fine Spring day contemplating last Spring's evils that befell me at the hands of the villainess!

The constant taunting:

The waterboarding:

The... BEATINGS!!!!!:

THE TREACHERY!

When I gots me a bright idea. A plot so perfect I could stump Agatha herself! Bwaha HA!

Who would be able to solve "coquettish golden, in the drawing room (OK - the home office) with... an icicle!
The deed will be done! One plunge thusly and the ruddy strumpet will be bound to world immortal!*

*reminder to self - toss the Kenneth Branaugh DVD's.

Let's Go GATORS!

2009-09-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

The air is crisp again once more. You know what THAT means? No not beef goulash.

OK, yes, technically, it is time for beef goulash, but more importantly - and I cannot believe I just typed that - it is time for another season of Gator football dominance!

Lest you freaks have forgotten (lay off the hard stuff why doncha!) here is a picture of me and my Pal celebrating last year when the gators savagely mauled the Oklahoma Sooners and became the BCS National Champs!

I am the one not in the ugly hat and tacky scarf.

That is Tim Tebow on the screen behind us. M is so happy....

Anyway, We are starting another season. No Percy this year - but I have him on a fantasy team and - so far so good. Florida plays... er... spanks Tennessee this weekend. We will be watching and cheering and hopefully eating chicken wings and drinking beer. I may even get to sit on the ************ Gators over Tenn: 23-13 **********

The Glory That Is MEEEE!

2009-09-17T16:15:00.000-07:00

I am so cute and sweet

That even when I roll all around in the sand after just being washed and just before being tossed into the Casita ALONE while they go 4 wheeling...

She STILL adores me and sneaks me cheese and chicken skin!

I can do NO wrong.

This place is for the BIRDS!

2009-05-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

Listen, I know I have to share my space, but I must draw the line with the addition of all these birds. They bathe and poop in my water bowl. I like to select the poop I eat, not have it dumped upon me. It is rude. Then there is the flitting and flittering about when I am in sleep mode. Landing on my head mocking me! They seem to know I will get wacked if I bite them.

I need some ideas on how to bite or perhaps eat them and not get found out by you know who. do feathers digest well? Is there calcium benefits? I need calcium.

While I am at it, I also need advice on how to open the fridge and work the can opener. What is the difference between a wiggle and a waddle? Am I a winter or a summer? What is the difference between a blow out and a fluffer? There seems to be some laughing going on when I word substitute. Does corn bread get sugar in it? Why does fruit and beef make for stink air down south. Why does compost taste so good? Why do chickens shit tasty treats? Why do some people dress their dogs in clothes when they are already wearing a coat? Do you think I should get colored contacts? Will vomitting really make me thin? Do humans taste like chicken? Explain the allure of Nascar, golf and baseball. Should I get a boob job? Do you think Dog Art would sell on EBay? What does not taste good with bacon?

Gosh I am bored. I think I will go kill a bird and fling it into the ivy. Two noxious weeds unite and die. I am all about being green. Did you know rats live in ivy? They do. I eat rats.

I love a Guy in Uniform

2009-05-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

It is Memorial Day.

I was out on the lawn getting some sun... waiting for meat juices to land in my mouth from below the grill... I put some Sun In on my fur - hoping for a little more blonde locks - I hear the men go for that.

Anyhoo, I was reading a piece on the KONP site (our only reliable and timely source of news in these parts) and ran across this story of Jag the police dog who tracked down and took down a bad guy in my town. I loves me some crime dog. The fact that he is dark and handsom... strong, dashing, good sense of smell and a bit of a bad ass... well it just makes me swoon. Or I may be suffering from the fumes from the Sun In. Maybe I better go take a dip in the doggie pool. While I am gone you can have a look at Jag and read about his capture.

Story:
http://www.konp.com/local/4772

Picture of the Hunk:

Sigh... hello lover!

Something Special For Memorial Day

2009-05-25T12:36:00.000-07:00

Trace Adkins! Woof.

Bless our fallen heroes. Don't forget to support our guys and gals coming home from war and give to vet related charities if you can. I like www.woundedwarriorproject.org/