CINDAR'S BLOG

Joy after the pain

2009-09-29T17:42:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to start this blog post so I will begin with ...well, the beginning. Years ago, 22 to be exact, a phone call changed my life forever. I was going to have a new baby sister from my Dad's second marriage. Quite honestly, I was devastated and did not understand why he would want or need one more child. After all he had 5 healthy kids from my mom. I was in fact, still hurt from their divorce at that point 10 years earlier. Sounds ridiculous now...especially reading it on paper but the pain and confusion was very real and I didn't know how to cope. I am reminded daily in life even still that we don't always "get to know" why we are handed certain cards. Why do seemingly bad things have to happen that in the natural make no sense at all. Painful hard things...that we carry along in life. Visiting with good friends at a high school reunion reminded once again the year my parents divorced, the 62 days of school I missed that year, and my exit to boarding school the next year to escape the pain of that time in my life. Back to the phone call... a month after that call, I traveled to see my Dad in North Carolina...he would have my little sister with him. Nervously, I swallowed my hurt and made the trip not knowing what to expect. I still remember the moment I first held Hannah. It was one of the sweetest moments in my life because I felt the grace of God reach down and heal my heart....in less than a gasp of air. I was in love with this child...the sweetest face, the most perfect smile, and a heart that would accept me too, unconditionally. This past weekend she gave me a list of 48 reasons why she loved me. It means everything to me. My greatest pain is now one of my greatest joys. I LOVE YOU HANNAH! You are my grace angel.

The long journey back

2009-08-12T19:28:00.000-07:00

I've recently committed myself to BOOT CAMP for the next four months. It will involve great discipline with hopefully a return to a former way of living for me. Almost twenty years ago I moved to Branson, Missouri and began a grueling schedule of two shows a day, 7 days a week working alongside my Dad. I didn't have much time for anything but I did jog - boy, did I jog. I have quite literally run all over Branson.. golf courses, woods, tracks, the college, anywhere I could run. (imagine Forrest Gump running here) At the end of that first year my weight was 149 and I was in the best shape of my life. I kept a running journal every day and enjoyed making daily entries. If I traveled out of town I made time to run. My favorite jog was a run through Key West at 5 am in the morning while there on a scuba diving trip. I loved seeing the town all by myself in the early morning hours. I don't know if I want to run again...my knees are not as strong as they were but I do want to move again and enjoy the things of my childhood. It's the transformation I seek, the sheer joy of setting a goal and accomplishing it. It is the long journey back and I am on my way!

O Canada O Canada

2009-07-22T19:38:00.000-07:00

Weeks after my vacation to Ucluelet, BC I am still thinking about the woods there. They are "deep and lovely" and we had pristine weather while there, something they don't always get. The town over, Tolfino is in fact known for "storm watching." My life keeps taking me back to Canada for some reason. As a child we made some memorable trips to Canada...driving from Nashville with my Uncle Richard and his family. I don't remember much, other than getting lost in Ontario and being rescued while our boat was broken down on the shores of some unknown lake. It was a trip of a life time as a small kid. My second trip to Canada was the summer of 1981, a fishing trip to northern Quebec. The fishing was superb, the bugs big, and I was in love ( not with the fish or bugs). We actually flew in on a Beaver prop plane and landed on finger lakes we were to fish. What an adventure! I've never seen trout as gorgeous as when they are pulled right out of dark, dark water. The pike I didn't care for...too many teeth. I then traveled to Toronto some years ago. I walked throughout the city and was taken by their beautiful cathedrals. I spent a Saturday afternoon praying in one of those cathedrals. This last trip to Canada, life has turned again and I traveled there with my kids and my husband of four years. It was just as memorable, just as beautiful and I have found love again...with Canada. So here are my top ten things I like about Canada....

1) The people are great!
2) Their woods are pristine
3) Rasberries and heavy cream
4) Beautiful lush farm lands
5) Their grocery stores rock!
6) Their lakes, fishing and outdoor life
7) It's affordable
8) Buchart Gardens (you have to see to believe)
9) Victoria (a lovely city)
10) I like their flag

Oh to read a poem

2009-05-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

My daughter and I discovered recently that we share a love for Robert Frost. It led to a moment of sharing as we talked about our favorite poems. It was sparked by a link to www.poets.org my sister Pam sent to me after her return from Ireland. It reminded me once again of the power of the written word. Katherine has learned to love reading too and I am grateful. Many times during my life I have returned to the comfort of a good poem. William Wordsworth, Edna St. Vincent Millay, Hugh Prather, and yes Robert Frost all take me back instantly to my boarding school days. It seemed a chore at the time memorizing poems for the school declaration day but now I am grateful. I can even recite a few lines of Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot and still marvel at the lyrical pace of this poem. Katherine's inspired me too to read more of the recent poems written. A good summer task I believe. To quote one of my favorite poems " oh do not ask what is it, let us go and make our visit.."

Easter Chickens

2009-04-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

Our Dad was famous in our eyes for bringing home gifts from the road throughout our childhood. One particular time he arrived home from England with a set of Beatles lunch boxes, each came with a neat thermos. We danced around with joy for hours until after later inspection we realized they were all stamped on the bottom with "Nashville Airport." We were crushed.

Easter always reminds me of one of those "special gifts." This particular Easter he came home with brightly colored baby chickens, one for each of us. We were thrilled with our new little pets. They were much easier to handle than the baby crocodiles he brought home the year before. They met their demise after eating too much bologna and surviving in our bathtub. Mom was not happy. Back to the chickens, after hours of amusing myself with my energetic sweet little pink chicken I decided to see what my siblings were up to. I happily skipped around the corner of our 1960's ranch house only to be tackled hard by my much younger, smaller brother Sonny Boy. Something was drastically wrong. I was so surprised at the strength of his tackle that I began laughing hysterically because I knew something was amiss. After screams of laughter and agony mixed in Pam and Connie came running. I felt he was hiding something from me. I yelled "Sonny Boy is hiding something!" They soon discovered his little lavendar colored chicken at deaths door in a deep puddle nearby left over from a rain storm. Sonny Boy had confused his chicken for a duck in trying to make it swim...minutes later the chick took it's last breath. Sonny was devastated that he had killed his pet, not knowing the difference between a chicken and a duck. We consoled him as best we could. We secretly wondered what Dad would bring home the next year.

Since that time, I've learned that chocolate bunnies make the best gifts at Easter, and the only agony involved is the stomach ache your kids have later.

Small sacrifices heap big rewards

2009-03-27T05:08:00.000-07:00

It doesn't seem right that the school year is two months away from being over, or that I have will have two children in high school next year. I can't stop time, so I won't begin to stress on that topic. I've learned in parenting, that often it's the small sacrifices that don't seem important at the time that your kids notice. I was reminded of that this week when my son told me at the last minute that he had to have a judge for a speech tournament, it would mean 100 points to his grade. I was originally scheduled to be out of town at a women's retreat from church - something I was really looking forward to but I decided it was worth more to be there for my son than for a few days away with my friends. I let his teacher know and within the hour I had the most endearing text from my son, it was simple..."thanks mom..I love you so much." The words still ring in my heart days since and I know I made the right decision, it was worth those few words I'll treasure. It was just as restoring as my planned women's retreat and I realized that occasionally it's the small sacrifices that heap big rewards!

Loaded question

2009-03-09T19:08:00.000-07:00

I marvel at the status updates that come through Facebook and the all encompassing "what are doing " question on Twitter. The questions are simple on the surface but far too often I find myself musing over my responses. It shouldn't be that hard. I suspect it has something to do with the running list of items I work on simulataneoulsy while darting back in forth between kids, laundry, husband, dogs, homework, reading, and my next task list. It's exhausting so I am thankful for Sunday afternoons at mom's with nothing much to do but watch movies, drink coffee, talk about everyone else who's not in the room (a Tillis tradition) and stress over the lack of cookies in the house. I treasure my time with my mom, though she doesn't know it. A nap on her couch makes the world seem right again and I'll take that any time over a quick answer to a Facebook status update.

Unpacking my faith

2008-12-04T18:09:00.001-08:00

It's that time again. Time to make my way to the corner of the garage, haul multiple boxes to my den all to unpack my Christmas ornaments and festive items. I confess, I haven't been the atypical Christmas decorator. In fact, last year I finally put my tree up two days before Christmas. Some would say it was my childhood. Dad and mom would wait a week or so before Christmas and then go on their only date night for the year and come back with a truck full of gifts. Or, they would conveniently hide them in all too familiar places.I found my first sparkly blue banana seat bike behind drywall in our garage weeks before the big day. It nearly killed me knowing it was there, and again later when I convinced myself I could let go of the handle bars. (that's another story) I suppose the gig was up early for me. What I do remember with great fondness is lying in bed late at night trying to hear the hoofs of the reindeer on the roof. It was magical. If we really cherished Christmas for the real reason for the season many of us would not have to "unpack our faith." It wouldn't get shoved in a box, in the corner of the garage or misplaced with the tote full of miscellaneous garage items. We wouldn't get discouraged at broken lights because we would know the true "light." The real light to our feet is our Lord and Savior. I have no one to blame for my Christmas decorating malaise. Perhaps it is because I do celebrate the birth of Jesus that everything else pails in comparison. The only thing I marvel at now late at night on Christmas eve is the thought of Mary, Joseph, a stable of farm animals and the sweetest gift on earth. Unpacking my faith continues to be the most important thing in my life. Have you unpacked yours?

Snakes under the porch

2008-11-22T18:10:00.000-08:00

We have a large snake, under our porch. He comes out when the sun is out. It's been a cause of some concern since our new little puppy could easily be swallowed up by the monster. There is some debate over what kind of snake it is...it seems relatively unafraid of us so far and has put up with a brutal attack by our son, and his friends but remains unscathed. We have armed ourselves with three shovels...just in case. We've researched the snake and are pretty sure...(key point) that it is harmless. Alas, I've been away from the farm too long and don't relish the idea of a snake so close.

Mom, McGyver, and Grandma Moses

2008-10-27T18:38:00.000-07:00

My mom, Doris Tillis, is a modern day Grandma Moses. In fact she has many traits in common with her. Not only is she a tremendous artist but has only ripened with age in her artistic talent. Like Grandma Moses, also a mother of five, my mom continues to explore new dimensions of art. Just this week, while walking I found a 6 ft. snake skin. Immediately my mom decided to make "nature" art and varnish the last remains of one of her least favorite critters. Earlier in the week, an old ham shaped piece of wood miraculously turned into her palette. Within days she had created a pastoral Ozark scene with the deft stroke of her pen . Today she surprised me with her declaration that she was watching her beloved Tennessee Titans and whittling away at a piece of pruned peach tree limb from an industrious peach tree off her back porch that had far extended it's branching dimensions. I must say though, she also reminds me of another character, albeit less artistic...McGyver. The popular character was known for his quick thinking creative fixes while facing sure demise. Mom has not faced such trauma...but is able to creatively solve most any household problem in an unusual and artistic fashion. What an amazing lady! She's my idol.

Legacy of Laughter

2008-10-23T16:10:00.000-07:00

One of my last great Aunt's passed away this week...Aunt Virginia. (now that's a southern name) My aunt was visiting this week and she shared the legacy of laughter that the entire family, all nine children on my grandmother's side, had. Apparently they kept the church pew shaking each Sunday with their laughter during the service. There were eight sisters and one brother in the Rogers family. My Aunt told me that if one started laughing during the service, in time the entire clan would crack up and slowly but surely each pew row thereafter would catch the bug and before you knew it the whole church would be giggling at their antics. I imagine they had quite a reputation at the First Baptist Church of Dover. I'll think of Aunt Virginia the next time I laugh at church and I am grateful for her legacy of laughter. I know heaven is richer today with the Rogers sisters laughing up a storm.

Ten Months Ago

2008-10-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

Ten Months ago I learned that my sister had cancer. Today we hiked two hours in the Ozark hills. The path was steep, much steeper than either of us expected. We had each other to encourage the other along. We knew when we took off our shoes to cross the creek we were in for an exciting hike. The trail got tougher and tougher but with breaks in between, and pleasant conversation, we made it. Ten months ago life seemed a lot like our hike today, unknown, steep, tough, scary but we were reminded, just as today that God is gracious and good. At the end of the hike, I said "THANK YOU JESUS" and I meant it.

Slogans, Battlecries and Opinions

2008-09-09T12:43:00.000-07:00

Ever had lunch with a qualitative quantitative analyst? Their smart, too smart for the average bear but I managed to steal away a few worthy thoughts from a recent meeting that even I can understand. Oh, it's easy to get lost in the rhetoric of the day..."Country First", "Agent of Change", "transparency", blah, blah, blah. My husband reminds me that God is in control so my worrying, and praying about the future just keeps God laughing. Someone I know said about this about the upcoming election, "we will get what we deserve." I have to believe that God wants the best for us so I just keep thinking we'll get what he wants ...even if I don't like it.

Waiting

2008-09-03T16:51:00.001-07:00

It seems like I have been waiting for fall to arrive all year. First, I love the fall and all that comes with it: camping, kids back in school, crisp mornings, and of course our two biggest events FAITH PROMISE CELEBRATION AND RUN TO THE LIGHTS. Why are these events so important? They literally help us grow in leaps and bounds by providing the financial resources it takes to reach more moms and enlist more Caring Women. A lot of people ask what is a Faith Promise? It's simply relying on God for what you cannot see...well, that's my version but it involves a period of WAITING and TRUSTING. As a former Single Mom, I spent a lot of my time waiting....waiting on my kids at the dentist office, waiting on my finances to get better so I could relax, waiting on summer so I could spend quality time with the kids, and waiting on school to start back so I could rest! So...here I am days away from Faith Promise and I am reminded to wait more....AUGH! I feel like Charlie Brown in the pumpkin patch waiting on the Great Pumpkin. Take a deep breath and relax, waiting's not that bad and there's always a blessing on the end of it!

To Kill A Mind

2008-07-15T19:20:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, our summer house guest, a recent high-school graduate, told me over breakfast that he had never read a book in his life. As I stood over my stove scrambling eggs I wanted to throw the spatula at him, then I wanted to throw one at his parents, later I thought of the school system he attended, on and on and on. I cannot fathom his "book free" life. How does one do that and graduate? Of course, I am biased I have been in love with books my whole life. My earliest memories involve a book...Bambi, it's a classic. Later in third grade my teacher Mrs. Clark, who wore the loudest lipstick, bright orange, turned me on to the author Beverly Cleary.Our library at home was my favorite room in our large old Southern house, and my world wasn't right unless all the World Books and Craft Books were in order. I would search the house endlessly to find the missing K or W volume. By the grace of God, I then went on to boarding school where I spent hours in the 100 year old library discovering worlds unknown to me. You see my life wouldn't be complete without books. My kids, especially my daughter, are avid readers. I started them early and set a great example for cherishing books. We always traveled with their favorite books in tow, visited the bookstore often, and read in front of them constantly. It's one of my proudest accomplishments as a parent. Back to our guest, he did confess that he had started To Kill A Mockingbird, but couldn't finish it. I was sick...this is my favorite book and movie. My heart sank and I burnt my scrambled eggs.

What Matters Most

2008-07-09T19:19:00.000-07:00

The last six months I've pondered daily...."What Matters Most." I have come up with my Top Ten list. Oh, they'll change but here they are today.

1.) Loving my family unconditionally - calling Dad more, having coffee with mom
2.) Telling my kids how special they are and that the Lord has great plans for them
3.) My morning and evening prayers,and all the prayers in between
4.) Spending more time with my friends
5.) Effecting change
6.) Sharing my faith more
7.) Writing more
8.) Encouraging those with less
9.) Singing more
10) Forgiving myself more

What's your 10?

It's all about the berries

2008-06-30T19:03:00.000-07:00

Henry David Thoreau once said "Heaven is under our feet as well as over our head."

That couldn't be more true of Persimmon Hill Farms. I had not intended my next blog entry to be about blueberries but I couldn't resist after a trip to Persimmon Hill Farms, in Lampe, MO. Lampe is a short thirty minute trip (depending upon how fast you drive) from Branson. Their cookbook says it is known for it's "acres of neat berry bushes and field-side farm kitchen." I would add a few other adjectives, delightful, peaceful, inspiring and thought provoking. You don't have to be a nature lover to enjoy picking berries with a bucket strapped to your waist. In fact, you can wear a skirt and heels and get the job done though a tad uncomfortable. (right Jen?) I had not planned on dinner at Persimmon Hills Farms but we had a wonderful dinner of shitake mushroom quesadillas, thunder blueberry muffins and cobbler. The owners Martha Hoy Bohner and her husband Earnie also gave us a personal tour of their shitake mushroom operation.

Walking back to the car, I asked Martha how she got started with her slice of paradise and she said simply "both my husband and I love to garden". It is a noble pursuit to share your passion with others. I'll be back.

Life is a Bowl of Cherries

2008-06-24T08:59:00.001-07:00

I was reminded of my blessings yesterday while picking cherries with my parents. They have been divorced 30 years now but still have a strong bond. It's amazing really they can still pick cherries together after years of struggling while Dad pursued his career on the road and mom kept the home fires burning, raising five children by herself. So I marvel at grace and all that it represents amidst the cherry trees. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life_Is_Just_a_Bowl_of_Cherries

Father's Day

2008-06-15T21:32:00.000-07:00

My husband celebrates his mom on Fathers Day because she was a Single Mom and says she was both father and mother. A fitting tribute I believe. She gets a card, a gift, dinner, the works. You see they take it seriously. All three of her sons understand what she took on. They recall their mom quietly doing her nails during their boy scout meetings. Yesterday, I learned on the radio listening to Carey Casey, CEO of the National Center for Fathering, that there over 45 million children in the world who go to bed each night with no father in the house. That's a larger number than I had previously heard. Working with Single Moms each day with the Caring People has brought an increasing awareness that this number is growing. Our goal, to reach as many moms as we can.

Children are a gift from God, blessed is the man whose quiver is full.

Ode to Lanson

2008-04-27T19:41:00.000-07:00

Last week I attended a thought provoking conference on the science of fundraising development, etc. I was excited to be there and I knew it would be worth my time. I am a novice to the science of development. One of the most insightful men I have ever known hosts the event. However, it was one of his speakers that intrigued me the most and left me pondering his session days since. You see it was his candor that struck me. This man has served God all his life, through personal failures and countless "what if's" that apparently still weigh on his heart. ("the saddest word in the English language is IF") His session entitled "It's Easier To Be Something Than To Do Something" conjured up a few of my own regrets. His printed biography was short, unlike the other speakers, and spoke of his life aboard his sailboat and other hobbies ( he once built a new gym floor out of used tennis shoes!) I introduced myself and we struck up a conversation about sailing, Burl Ives, and Flicka's. If you don't know they are one of the strongest sailboats in the world, check out the link. http://home.att.net/~seagypsy/history.html I know this because my Dad is the proud owner of folk music icon Burl Ives Flicka that he willed my father when he passed away. That is another story I'll share sometime soon. Back to my point, my new friend shared with me his love for his Flicka (I have promised to send him a picture of Burl's cherished boat. Coincidentally, Lanson and Burl sailed the same waters) The photo pictured is Burl's boat The Sparrow, for Lanson. Your words inspired me. Perhaps I'll come sail with you one day on THE HOSPICE. The video is of Lanson on his boat.

God Is So Predictable

2008-04-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

God is so predictable-

the constancy of God
his kindness, love, discipline
his eternal nature

Learning life’s lessons are harder still without the knowledge of Christ and a relationship firmly built upon his constancy. But knowing his constancy can sometimes be a stark revelation of our shortcomings. This past week, my daughter faced a dilemma of sorts. She knew she had to search her heart for the answer but recognized that seeking God’s approval took priority. We encouraged her to pray about it and she exclaimed in typical teen-age frustration that "God is so predictable!" In other words, she already knew what the answer would be and it would't be what she wanted to do. We laughed later at her description of God. She's right, God is predictable and I am thankful. I’ve pondered that topic for a week, basking in the truth of that and the beauty of her childlike description.

Reading through some of our Pulpit Commentaries I found this: "A faith strong enough to grasp this ( his constancy) will light up every forest, and overcome every foe." The fact that he can know all and be kind to us still is truly humbling. God is so predictable...aren't you glad?

Where are all the Grandmothers?

2008-03-21T06:14:00.000-07:00

Kevin and I were talking last night about the next generation in our family, some of their strengths and weaknesses and reviewing our own lives. We concluded that for both of us, it was our grandmothers who held the family together. Both were sweet, God fearing women who didn't rule with a heavy hand but instead a soft heart and lots of knee time, praying for us all. Our moms haven't had much of a chance to be grandmothers...for one reason or another. Quite frankly, they both deserve the down time. They were both Single Moms and raised 8 kids between them. So, what does that say for this generation? My generation must raise up and when our time comes and become the Grandmother's of past. We have to lead by example and remind our grandchildren and children that serving the Lord is the single most important thing you will ever do in your life. Then we must pray that that message will stick with them when their time comes. I never thought I would look forward to those "golden years" but I am ready!

Moon River Dash

2008-03-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

Moon River never sounded so good. This past Saturday I had hoped to sleep in after a busy week of work. A trip to St. Louis had left me tired and sleep deprived. Unfortunately, I found I couldn't sleep in and was up early afterall. My son, Tanner, woke up early as well and proceeded to tell me that he had a jazz competition that night at 6:30 PM. I was relieved that I would have the day to finish some chores around the house. Ten minutes later my son was screaming at the top of his lungs that he had mis-read the schedule and he was now 3 hours late. Seems he was to have been at the Jr. High at 6:30 am not pm. I frantically grabbed the schedule and realized we had 1 hour to cover a trip to the Jr. High for his bass trombone and a 45 minute drive to Springfield and Drury University. It seems they have a jazz competition each year for various ages. Somehow I managed to get dressed and in the car in record time. We were on our way. In retrospect, I think I handled it poorly as a mom, informing him that he would probably be kicked out of band and that everyone would think that his mom was a big fat loser. I think moms have a lot of those moments that they would like to do-over. However, somehow in the moment, and in between frantic cell phone calls to my husband for directions, Tanner and I began to laugh. Laughter always diffuses the worst of situations. Before long, we had a string of one-liners that had us gasping for air. I suspect we made a memory that day. I told Tanner jokingly that "he owed me big time, and would have to keep his room clean until he was 18." Minutes later, on time and seated on the front row this proud mom believed that Moon River never sounded so good. Tanner cleared his spit valve and winked my way.

Social Network Mania

2008-02-22T12:11:00.000-08:00

Spending the day at home researching on the computer for work. What started as a simple task of googling turned into a frantic rush to join as many social networks as I can. Why? Because seemingly the only universe worth belonging to is the wide wide world of social networks. I have now joined Facebook, Linkedin, Flickr and Twitter. I am now in a social network time deprivation panic. How am I going to have time to check all my social networks and do the dishes? And, will only truly interesting people join thereby opening up my universe to like-minded individuals who care about camping and blogging? Oh, the free world waits to know.

Home Again

2008-01-22T15:50:00.001-08:00

Thomas Wolfe was right. You can't go "Home Again", especially when the home you knew is rapidly changing overnight. My "Nashville" was cool before it became "hip and cool." Long before Nicole Kidman moved here. I see glimpses of Nashville trying to hang onto it's standards like Bluebird Cafe, Music Row, and quirkly little vegetarian restaurants that were popular long before Whole Foods opened shop. I miss the old Brentwood where Mr. Huff worked behind the counter of Huff foods and the 1 hardware store was rarely busy. When Baskin Robbins came to town it was a big deal. I'll accept the Waffle House but somehow the rest of Brentwood seems out of place for me. All in all, I still love coming home and exiting off the Brentwood exit is always comforting and reassuring.