A day in my life!

The day I went looking for you

2011-08-24T10:12:00.000+05:30

The day I went looking for you
It was dark and I don't understand shadows
But I still went looking for you

I thought the love was strong enough
To rip through the darkness
Radiating light sacred only to me
My eyes gleaming with hope

But it wasn't meant to be
Wish I had studied physics
For miracles don't happen
And shadows don't come out after dark

But I still had hope
And I found you
In the shadows of my own self
so close, yet so far...

Do you know I am a Dalit?

2011-08-07T16:40:00.002+05:30

Do you know I am a Dalit?

I read a story in the Times of India today. Although I hardly react to the whims and fancies of journalists and their point of views, this one has made me to write this.

The story talks about how Dalit students in IITs and IIMs have committed suicide, no suicide notes have been found and how this Dalit was told that he is not needed in the AIIMS hostel.

Thankfully, I, too, have passed college. There were Dalit students in my class. But do I know if they were Dalits? No. Do I care of they were? No. Would have I cared if they told me? No.

But how do you know if the guy you are talking to is Dalit? The question to be asked should be how does it matter if the other guy is a Dalit or a Brahmin or one of the million other castes in this country?

The former question is the one thats asked, always.

People tend to find out or judge you by your surname. I remember, as early as in my first standard I was asked about my caste. The question did not come from my teachers but from fellow 6 year olds. Their questions always met with blank stares from me. I could never understand what they were asking or what they meant by "caste". As a rehearsed script they would then ask, "Whats your surname?" "Chaudhri or Nichani," I replied depending upon that three year period which i dont remember now exactly where I changed from Ashish Chaudhri to Shubhashish Nichani.

"oh, you are a Sindhi or a Punjabi," came the reply depending upon what I said back then. I still stared blankly trying to thinking what purpose would this solve for a fellow 6 year old?

Nevertheless, it made me think. What is my caste? Why is it so important? Why can't I tell what the other guy's caste is just by knowing his name?

The answer I found in the way I was brought up. My mother never mentioned caste, creed or any other way profiling that Indians boast of.

Probably, i thought, she did not know herself or never thought it's important to tell me. It was the former. I came to know this when my dad passed away of a heart attack this February. The priest asked for the gotra to perform his last rights. I looked towards my mother for an answer. She was as blank as I.

Ultimately the priest decided we were some high caste Hindus and finished the rituals. I don't even remember what gotra he decided for us.

I don't understand castes because my mother doesn't because her parents never gave her this important lesson of being an Indian.

Today, I am Shubhashish. And I am always asked what my surname is? "I don't have a surname," I reply and climb up the weird-chart by leaps out of bound even for Lady Gaga.

I remember my school's principal once asking if I fell from the sky as I don't have a last name. My application for passport was rejected twice because the last name field was blank. The IT dept refused to give me a PAN card without knowing my surname.

Amidst all this, I am glad that I am Shubhashish. A punjabi with a Bengali name, born in a small town of Faridabad, living in Mumbai.

What's my caste? I don't know. My mother supported me when I decided to drop my last name. That's all I know.

Celebration

2011-08-03T02:20:00.002+05:30

Celebration

It's that time of the year again
When I suffer thorough pain

I PMS on life
The relation is rife
Something is still strife
Yes, that's my prize.

It's like a pack of ice
On my heart
Its still a vice
A mistake on my part.

I am turning into a loon
This life, a balloon
Waiting to burst
The pin has the thirst.

I wanted to call you last night..

2011-07-26T10:39:00.000+05:30

I wanted to call you last night..
Thought I would share my plight.
Why you, I swear, I don’t know
But I think of you when I am low

What’s the plight I don’t show
But, I am used to you, you know
In an instinct I picked up the phone
broke-down. Yes, I am prone

Mustered up, dialed your number
Maybe I was coming out of my slumber
and that’s when my hands froze
Soulless I am, like this song without a prose

I stayed put losing time and losing mind
Putting myself through the grind
Couldn't sleep, I picked up my guitar
Sang, 'The door to my heart is ajar'

All I know is that I sang like a crow
Hiding what I feel, trying not the show
Even the guilt slowly gave up on me
Its time to come to terms with my destiny.

Why just the ring?

2011-07-12T13:52:00.003+05:30

Why just the ring?

Please take back all the memories, the good and the bad.
The pain. The times when you were sad.

The times when you stood by me and the times when you didn't.
The times when I stood by you and the times i didn't.

The fun we never had and the fun you miss now.
All the times I tried, and how.

The laughter, the dreams, the love, the fights, the time that we shared and the time we were supposed to.
All the things that you wanted, and all the things I wanted for you.

The ring is still in it's place. I have jumped in the sea.
Fish it out, please feel free.

Please take it all. Please take it all.
I have gills to breathe now.

How Happy I am

2011-07-05T15:31:00.000+05:30

How happy I am
now that it has rained
Its all so green
drenched clean
the roads are wider
the girls look prettier
the rum more inviting
the pick up more exciting

but no matter how happy I am now
I miss the times I was sad
I miss the pain
the self inflicted suffering
the feeling of being nothing
and a nobody
i miss feeling low
i miss being the fool
i miss the names you called me
I miss the times I was with you

the pain is gone, you are too
i know i could've taken some more
and then some,
you must've had a reason
you called me the devil
the tears are there
but i don't cry
my eyes don't need cleansing
neither does my soul.
i should be happy
with so much peace of mind
wider roads
prettier girls
so why do i miss you
and why is life saying
fuck you?

Written by Shubhashish and Manisha Lakhe.

Mirror

2011-05-19T12:12:00.000+05:30

"I want to be wrong, too."

I have heard it all along. Throughout the time. Day and night.

And I gave in every time. Battling my past. Fighting my future and compromising with my present.

Your fragile self that never existed, that temper that was forced out of you.

Your wishes that never saw the day light. And your luxuries that remained dreams unfulfilled, promised otherwise.

Yes, you understood me fully. I was a mirror of your own self.

When you looked deep in me, all you saw was yourself. How you hated yourself. How you loved yourself.

And with the mission to change me for a better life, all you tried was to change yourself.

I was your mirror.

Its broken. The dream, the sleep, the dawn and the mirror.

For, I have failed to be what you wanted me to.

The mirror in me that you never saw and believed that it was me. All along.

Hasn't the match-fixing allegations dampened our cricket watching experience?

2011-04-07T03:23:00.001+05:30

When was the last time a nail-biter that went, as Shastri usually says, down to the wire, satisfied you to the core? Didn't the thought that the match could be fixed cross your mind? And if it did, the match still engrossed you as its suppose to?

Match-fixing has been the darkest period for cricket and it continues to haunt us. And to me, the whole experience of watching cricket is somewhat ruined. Not because I believe in those "bookie" messages, but, simply because someone is trying to influence my love for the game.

I got a message during the India-Australia quarter-final. It said that Australia will bat first, score 270+, Ponting will score above 50, India will lose wickets but will win by 5 wickets and Sachin will score a hundred. How much of it is true and how much is close to what actually happened, we all know. Doesn't this doubt your love for the game?

Next match. India-Pakistan. Message says that Pakistan will bat first, score above 300 and India will chase it. Didn't go this way but then, every ball that was bowled, I watched with a sense of cynicism.

The grand-finale, too, had its own hits and misses but by now, I was seriously contemplating to make this "bookie" my astrologer. You know, bribing god to get the odds in my favour. :)

I still don't believe that the matches were fixed but there are a large number of messages that are circulated during the matches that clearly makes an impact.

Every nail biter is looked upon suspiciously as if it was fixed to perfection for the photo-finish. And every loss in such a great game is definitely bribed.

Somewhere, the integrity of the people watching the game is deeply compromised and going by the looks of it, I don't think it will be repaired in a long long time.

Well, unless Pakistan stops dropping 4 catches of a single player in one match alone, that too, a World Cup semi-final.

3G

2011-03-10T12:09:00.002+05:30

Its here.

Is the hoopla justified? I have been drooling over 3G for a long time and that's the reason why all my phones over the past 2 years have been 3G enabled, in anticipation of a data revolution that is supposed to hit us.

And now I have been on the 3G network for the past 12 hours. The excitement though, was short lived and I have been the fool at the end of it.

Since I am a Vodafone India customer, let me share my experience solely with respect to Vodafone. Step 1: the activation. Although its a soft launch and customer can experience 3G at the regular 2G prices till its officially rolled out, I was happy to get it. Vodafone said that 3G will be activated within 24 hours and I was very happy when they did it within 9 hours. Probably, the highest point of the 3F experience and has been a downhill ever since. More so, that I have already moved back to my EDGE network, just 12 hours into 3G eight of which were spent sleeping.

I am a BlackBerry customer with unlimited internet plan but Vodafone asked me to activate its internet service called Vodafone Mobile Connect to use 3G. What it means? I have already paid for internet through by BB plan but for 3G I am supposed to pay more. Mind you it is not unlimited even, download charges are exorbitant. A rental of Rs199 and download charges of 5p/10kb.

So, I have two internet plans on my phone.

Video streaming (Youtube, etc) on my EDGE network has been working fairly well with no buffer time. Full marks to Vodafone.

The main idea for me to get 3G was live TV. Vodafone has a Vodafone 3G service listed under its 3G services and asks customers to sms TV to 111 to get it. Charges are duly specified.

To my surprise, and this is where the problems began, when I tried to download Vodafone TV, it said that I must have Vodafone Live to do so. Vodafone Live is the most basic internet plan which let's you surf only wap sites through your phone. Can you explain this, Voda?

So, to try Vodafone TV, even after getting 3G and paying through the nose I have to get another basic internet service and pay rent for that too. Mind you again, data charges are excluded.

Icing on the cake was when Voda said that activating Vodafone Live will take 24 hours. So I can't download Vodafone TV till then.

3G is being wasted till then and my BB plan is working on 3G, surpassing the unlimited BB plan that I have paid for.

I downloaded SPB TV to experience the live TV!

This is where the biggest disappointment came and you can please check and let me know if you face the same issue or did it work flawlessly on your phone.

SPB TV did not work on my 3G service. When I tried to use it over WiFi at my home, it worked as smoothly as Kim Kardashian's ass. It did. And please don't ask me how I know the smoothness of her ass, really.

I am thoroughly disappointed by Vodafone and its no good 3G service.

As for me, I hope I am able to catch the Cricket World Cup on Vodafone TV if it is downloads and works well. Beyond that, 3G is useless for me.

Back to my unlimited EDGE or 2G BB internet plan.

Thank you.

Culinary disaster

2011-03-06T12:39:00.001+05:30

I am not much of a foodie but when I eat I like to eat good food. Sunday is one such day when I like to be served good food.

Entire week is spent in acts paramount for survival and I get just this day to eat to me heart's content.

Unfortunately, I don't remember the last time I ate good food on this weekly holiday.

Can't express by displeasure as I don't cook myself. Wanting to be served and that too with the preferences that I have, I will surely be kicked out of the home.

But, is this good enough for me to start cooking my own food?

I don't think so. Laziness surrounds me and also, restaurants in Mumbai do serve some good scrumptious meals.

Waiting for the day when I would be able to afford them :)

Adios!

Is it possible to bell the CAT online?

2009-11-29T08:29:00.002+05:30

This is a first person account of what happened with me on the first day of the much hyped and hysterical CAT exam. I had decided that since there is a 10 day window for the exam and the excessive media attention towards the exam, its better for me to pay off the liability on the very first day. That's exactly what I did.

My exam was scheduled on Nov 28. 3.30 pm, Bandra, Mumbai. Before leaving home, at around 12.30 pm I chanced upon to see a couple of news channels who were beaming flashes that the CAT exam servers have crashed at certain locations. The most starking city of the lot was Bangalore. Isn't Bangalore the IT hub of India? Isn't that the city where the IT revolution in this country started? Isn't the prized city of Karnataka the Silicon Valley of India? Then why did the servers crashed in Bangalore? And we say that our infrastructure is blah blah blah.

I left home thinking that Mumbai wont suffer such issues as this is THE city in India. Even at its worse this city is one of the best in the country. I was be be proved wrong shortly.

I reached my exam centre, Fr Agnel's Engineering college at 1.15 pm. Waited for 15 minutes as the instructions clearly said that reach two hours before the exam and "NO ONE WOULD BE ALLOWED TO ENTER AFTER 2 pm."

All the aspiring MBAs were standing outside the college till two as the first batch hadn't finished their exam yet. For the record, the first batch was supposed to sit for the exam at 10.30 and finish at 12.30 pm. They started late as the servers in Mumbai crashed, too.

After 2 pm, we started to enter the college premises and went to our designated floors. My exam was scheduled at the 9th floor computer lab. Once at the 9the floor, the security incharge asked us to line up at the 8th floor, get ourselves checked- and return to the 9th floor. What other option did we have? After standing in the que
for 20 minutes, the security incharge tells us to go back on the 9th floor and get the required process started there. We go back. After the check, and zipping our phones, wallets, watches, pens, etc, we were asked to settle ourselves in a small room called auditorium. I clearly remember my space starved KC College in Mumbai had 5 times bigger class rooms than this "auditorium" at an engineering college.

Anyway, now totally cut-off from the world and no idea about the time (as our watches too, were taken away) we waited. Patiently, we waited, some slept, some made new friends, some glanced away from the window to the under construction Bandra-Worli sea link and some, to the swimming pool of Taj, Land's End. I repented not getting my spectacle made and couldn't see whats happening at a distance :(

The imaginary clock was ticking lazily in the hot and humid Mumbai afternoon. Tick. Tick. Tick. The Prometric is a tick actually.

I cant believe that the prestigious IIMs, who teach Indians how to "manage" couldn't manage a simple exam online? How difficult it could be if you have one year to prepare the infrastructure and an organisation like Prometric, a biggie who knows how to manage these online exams?

Somewhere post 4.30 pm the issues were sorted out and we slowed inched closer to our designated spaces. A finger-print scan and a picture later, I sat and waited yet again.

Ah yes, one more thing: Dear IIMs, please don't think that we Indians are drop dead lame and stupid and still think that computers are some creepy machines which requires years and years of practice to master. The so called 15-minute tutorial was actually, technically a 30 second 9 steps interactive pictures. I can take on anyone in the world who defends that it was a video. It wasn't.

After spending 30 seconds on the lame 9-step instruction screen, i waited yet again as the college didn't let us start the exam before 5.30 pm. You read it correct, no typo there, 5.30 pm. An exam that was supposed to begin at 3.30 was a good 2 hours late. And mind you, were were asked to report 2 hours before the exam.

What followed wasn't a smooth ride either. My computer crashed twice as the previous test taken was closed properly and a screen warning the same appeared every two minutes. I couldn't begin the test for a good 5 minutes and was given technical assistance which somehow brought things under control.

I read in newspapers today morning that the CAT convenor has said that problems are bound to happen as this is the first time CAT is online. What? Really? Did he say that? hm.. This means, that when the American credit market crashed last year and the whole world collapsed afterwards, we should have said, "This is the first time this is happening so please bear with us."

Shouldn't the convenor be saying what steps they are taking to minimize the glitches?

Prometric, which boasts of being a Mr know-it-all in the online test space has failed miserably. How can so many servers crash at the same time? They knew that over 2 lakh aspirants will be sitting for the exam in these 10 days right?

Moreover, only 10,000 aspirants typed the exam on the first day. Prometric couldn't manage 10,000 people, that too, in two slots.

A match washed out, and so the hopes

2009-11-12T02:22:00.004+05:30

I read in the paper sometime ago that Dr DY Patil stadium in Navi Mumbai is one of the best in the world. This wasn't an excuse for me to go for the India Australia match on Nov 11 though.

Mumbai-November-absolutely no chance of rain-good stadium-charged up series-a perfect atmosphere for a high adrenaline Cricket match. I took an off from work and was all set for a blissful day of cricket under lights.

Could anyone tell me what this Phyan means? WHY, just WHY did this cyclone was to hit Mumbai on Nov 10-11? Money wasted, day wasted.

And you know what bad luck is? You do? I bet you don't. Read this:

We reached the stadium at 3 and the covers were on, it was drizzling then. Umpires came out by 4, inspected the pitch, ground and a miracle happened. The groundsmen started to remove covers and rollers worked overtime to drain out the ground. Match was about to begin.

The rain had stopped although heavy clouds continued to cover the ground.

At 5, it started to drizzle again. But I guess this was it and the umpired decided that its time to call it off.

Since then it hasn't rained a single drop. This is bad luck.

I seriously pity McDonald's, who couldn't cash on this opportunity to make some extra money. All their preparations too, were washed out.

And I request BCCI to please please please refund the money. Not a single ball was bowled and the players didn't even come out of their hotels.

I spoke to RJ Neha of Radiomirchi. She did put me on air and I gave a live report of what was happening on the ground. I asked her to appeal to BCCI from all of us to refund the money. The last I heard was that BCCI was thinking about this. Fingers crossed.

When I ate and ate and ate in China

2009-10-03T17:33:00.003+05:30

Boss: Are you a non-vegetarian?
Me: Yes.

Boss: Would you like to try something which is not run-of-the-mill non-veg food, atleast for us?
Me: Absolutely! I always wanted to try, ox’s testicles, snakes, silkworms, ducks, etc.

Boss: Good, You are going to China in 10 days!

This was the conversation I had with my boss when he asked me to go for this junket. I admit, more than the work, the thought of eating all the above mentioned, “Disgusting” according to us, was enough motivation for me to pack my bags and head straight to China.

What followed in the week before my trip was nothing short of an experience in itself. My friends, family, colleagues, and possibly any and everyone who came to know about this least sought after places for vacation (given our fixation for the Switzerlands, and Londons of the world), asked me, China? Why? How will you survive there? Do you even know what they eat? How and what will you eat there? And many more such questions were thrown at me.

My answer to all of them was just one simple sentence. “That’s exactly why I am so excited to go to China!”

I sincerely believe that visiting a new country or even a place in your own country isn’t complete until you try the local food. No matter how offensive it may sound to you, its staple for some and one MUST experience them.

Although, I must admit that all these reservations did make me jittery but nonetheless, I was determined to eat everything and anything that came my way, after all I was an Indian Tiger!

Mentally well prepared to eat “anything”, we landed in Shanghai. To begin my belly dance on a safe note, I first entered a KFC restaurant at the airport and asked for a shark burger! It was yum and I cleared stage one.

Before the food, I must admit that I was completely awestruck by the Dragon. Whatever I have seen and continue to on television is just a tiny speck to what the country actually is. The first words I uttered when I saw Shanghai were, “Politicians want to transform Mumbai into a Shanghai? Have they even seen Shanghai? Not 10, not 20, what I saw in Shanghai was a city which was atleast 50 years, even by the most conservative estimates, ahead of us.

Back to the food, after the first day of the conference, the organizers took us to this amazing restaurant that served food in the authentic Chinese style. There were 15 types of meat to savor and I must admit I don’t know any of the names expect a couple of pork dishes and duck’s tongue! To all those who say that the authentic Chinese food doesn’t taste good - Balls. My mouth still waters when I think of it. Without knowing what I was eating, I ate all sorts of meat and some were really good, some good and well, few were out rightly disgusting.

Next day’s lunch was scheduled at the Sofitel Hotel near the picturesque Westlake in Hangzhou. It was a buffet and names of the dishes were written in Chinese. A particular kind of meat caught my attention and I asked the chef what it was? He pointed towards the lake and said something which I comprehended as “Duck!” I ate it, and by far it is the most delicious type of meat I have ever eaten.

Once in Beijing, I met wonderful backpackers and instantly formed a small group. Davis Campbell of Scotland, Rita Cabaco (Portugal) who was coming from Vietnam and was heading to Japan, Fannie was a Dutch, spent her six days in the Trans-Siberian train on her way to China, and Farida (UK).

The most obvious place to eat in Beijing was the “Snack Street”, which was something like the khau gali of Mumbai. What I saw there was a sight I think is only a carnivore’s delight! From snakes to silkworms, sea horses and scorpions to weird looking sea creatures, you name it and they got it. Just for your information, scorpions are alive and tied to skewers. You order one and they will put a live scorpion into hot boiling oil for a couple of seconds, garnish and voila! Its ready to eat! I am glad I did not puke at that.

Meanwhile, Campbell ordered something and was relishing on it. I asked, “What’s this?” He replied, “Try it.” I did. It was tasty, something that I had never ever eaten in my life before. Soft, spicy and juicy… yes, it was a snake!

Even now when I think how I ate a snake, silkworms and sea horses, I do feel giddy. A bigger sin would have been not eating all those meats and coming back to my comfort zone in India.

The taste of a snake is still fresh on my tongue, duck’s tongue – no matter how repulsive it may sound, was just out of this world and silkworms were undoubtedly one of the most disgusting meat I have ever tasted!

It was unmatched experience and I am looking forward to go to China again, and this time, on a full fledged food trip!

I was in China from September 10 to 19.

More on the country in my subsequent posts.

random

2009-02-14T12:42:00.004+05:30

The purpose of this blog has changed over the years. What it stands for today? I dont kn. It is still undergoing changes. I think of writing something but refrained thinking that someone might get offended. What should i do... this has been my personal space, and people who know me do feel upset or joyed if i mention somthin about them....

today is valentine's day... honestly, i never believed in this day and at the same time dreamt of celebrating it everytime. I am all alone today, a personality so flawed that i an even afriad of making new friends. I have made a lot of mistakes and continue to do so. tears have stopped flowing. they too are tired. like me. where am i? i dont kn.

people who know me in an out, too are at a distance, coz I harm, hurt and make them suffer.

One thing that i have noticed about my life... earlier, when i wanted to be alone, i was always with friends, so many i couldnt even remember their names; and today, when i want to be with them, i m all alone.

dont for how long this will continue. I am afraid that i ll get used to this. DOnt know what to do... there are days together when i dont utter a single word... being quiet is not a choice but i dont have any other option..

I need help. I need to be with friends, i need someone who could be with me despite my million flaws... is that possible? i dont think so.

a burden i cant let go,
someone, please unload me
... i m choking.

move on

2008-12-03T02:33:00.002+05:30

was it love?

I dont kn. Now i really dont. First, if it was then the end would have been different. A lot different. Second, there would have been no end at all. Lived happily ever after... din happen. So what was it? And is moving on that easy? I dont know...

When Mumbai's skyline changed forever

2008-11-28T23:31:00.004+05:30

I was no different from any common Indian. Now, I am. Being at ground zero and experiencing all that we all "know" by now makes hell of a difference. We all have de-sensitised ourselves so much that any terror attack of suicide bombing is like any other common occurence if our life, which has no meaning; just an incident, untoward happening which we cannot avert but can turn a blind eye to. Thursday morning was no different. There were no other talks but the terror attack and amidst all the hoopla were some scathing jokes on the entire issue. Until, we came to know that we could go there and get some stories out. I never thought that the following day could change my life, forever. Looking at armymen, ready for their duty and knowing that some of them might not return put me to shame. What exactly was the purpose for their lives? Dying for someone they didnot even know? Or worse, dying for some elite businessmen who wouldnt care less for the country but make money? I saw them laughing and trying to make the moment little light. The air was heavy and they were all calm, knowing what was coming. I am not writing a first person account as many have done that already but would just want to rant. Films take inspiration from real life, but trust me guys what I saw yesterday, no film has even come 10% close to reality. Films always tend to over or underplay the subject. What i saw was just plain business. A business with real emotions and fear. I spoke to one Jawan and asked him, "How much more time?" "A day more," he said. I counter questioned, "Why a day more? Dont you think its too long?" He replied smilingly, "With our each step forward, lot of lives will change forever, we have to think at least 10 times before moving ahead." I was numb. Speechless and spellbound I stood as his words hit me and continue to hit me even now. Just three days ago a friend from London called and asked about the train blasts. I was surprised when she said, "Shubh, I want to ask you something personal. I hope yoi won get disturbed and if you feel like you dont want to answer please tell me and I will stop." I was zapped thinking what is she going to ask?" She asked about the train blasts. Arent we de-sensitised? Yes we are. I laughed at her thinking how stupid? "Why will I get disturbed coz of that?" Now, I do coz today I have understood what those blasts did to my city. And today I understand what this terror attack has done.

My life, nothin but you

2008-10-28T00:22:00.000+05:30

My life is nothing but memories of you

Loved, cared, and stitched with a thread of warmth,

Your heart oozes out.

Sewn with your thoughts

My heart knows nothing but you

My mistakes, errors all just too much to forgive

My life has colors

Noting less than spectacular

With colors as beautiful as you

Painted Red, with nothing less but you.

My aim and life was close to each other

My aim was you and my life was you.

Looking back now, I feel with ribbons of your love

I might hold them together

You were my dream

A beautiful one, envy for others

You, only you, nothing else but you

My dream…

From morning to dusk

This world to death

From laughter to tears

Sorrow to happiness

I see nothing else but you…

Your love is my treasure

Caged in my heart

Eternity, come and go

I am alive because of your love

-- Shubh

so the time has come. finally

2008-10-02T15:27:00.002+05:30

Yes, its done. Over. Dead. The most beautiful thing happened to me is no more. I never expected it to be flowery every day. I knew there will be moments where I would want to suicide, thrash someone out of anger, shout, scream, yell and dont kn what not.

But I never thought that it would be over. It is now. I m upset not because its over. Yes, its true. I m upset about the fact that after two years I couldnt prove to you that I loved you. I couldnt make you understand that my heart beats because of the smile I see on your lovely face. I failed at making you blush when someone said my name in front of you.

I lost at every juncture and I know that. Today I am sure that this is the best thing for us. You dont love me and I dont want you to be claustrophobic. Its a new beginning for us. Wish you a beautiful life ahead and hope that the new guy gives you whatever I couldnt. I wish you never think of me again. I wish you get over the nightmare I gave you. I wish a lovely life for you where tears have place only when happiness is around.

Finally the good thing is that we have something to mutually agree upon. The bad thing is that its the decision to part ways.

when u kn the date of your death...

2008-09-24T10:44:00.002+05:30

Sunday. yes, this Sunday. and its not a great feeling. 4 days. I kn whats goin to happen on taht day and i m preparin myself for that. par hota nahi hai yaar. nahi hota. tears just dont stop. heart is pumping hard. my breathe is shortened and i m choking. my life is coming to an end. a slow end. every second is hard to pass. clock's tick is annoying, it is strikin hard in my mind. no matter how much i m tryin not to think of it the more it is registerin its presence. i never thought this could be it. but this is it and the faster i realise this the easier my death would be...

a turtle's life

2008-09-23T18:20:00.002+05:30

my life has suddenly turned a turtle's. Spending each milli-second is tiresome. tick tock tick tock tick tock.......

There cannot be a bigger punishment than this.

PROFOUNDITY AT LAST

2008-09-22T17:03:00.000+05:30

what does one mean one taking a break? I want to be alone for sometime and see where this is goin? What? I just realised... It means beginning of an end.

Beginning of an end. BEGINNING OF AN END.

Honestly, I never imagined this day. And the more I think of it the more disgust I experience. What am I tryin to realise in this break? Whether I want to be with you or no? Hell, I know this answer. I dont need a "break" to realise anything. I want to be with you.

Suddenly, this whole idea of a "break" seems so odd. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN? Can we stay away from each other? WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO?

SHIT. I CANT BELIEVE WE DID THIS. The profoundity has just shown its colour. This is the beginning of an end. AN end I thought would never come but life does have some serious surprises in store for us.

FUCK. I. CANT. BELIEVE. THAT. WE DECIDED. TO STAY. AWAY. FROM. EACH. OTHER.

I GUESS THIS IS IT THEN.

CIAO.

so it has begun....

2008-09-22T15:05:00.000+05:30

i have realised that I am not the same witty guy I used to be... he isl eft far behind... do I regret? Not really, but I do miss him. Do I want him back? May be not. Why? Because I am happy this way.

Now, if someone feels that i have changed coz I hurt many with my earlier behaviour and I have been forced to "change", I say get a life. I really dont care a damn abt anyone. ANYONE. I have changed coz I felt that change is good. Am I happy, Yes I am.

expectations...

2008-09-19T23:56:00.002+05:30

my expectations are going down... which is a good thing... we all know that expectations cause problems... everytime... I expect... i do.. a lot... its tuff to calm them but I am doing it.. with success...

yes its true that i m upset... and in this upsetness i m alone... a truth, alas, cant be changed.

cant even say this as i will be reminded of the bad times i showered upon...

in silent whispers, i too suffer... but its ok... as i have brought down my expectations.

2008-09-06T13:18:00.000+05:30

at every step, every juncture, i have failed. two people can be diagonally opposite but what makes the relationship work is that they love and learn to adjust with each others shortcomings. They learn to hold hands and walk when one of them halts. They learn to speak when the other cant.

I may be bad, intentions crooked, aim unrealistic... but loved unconditional.

two sides to a coin, one yours and one mine. which is more correct or more wrong, i m no one to decide... but you are correct I kn. Tried to make evry attempt to change my way. failed. even if i believe that i was changing.. you dont and that is what matters.. change was for me.. but more importantly its for you. With my actions, I m hurting you, every second and couldnt give u a single day of happiness. Life to me is seing a smile on your face and makin you feel that i love you.

may be we wont talk again, may be i ll get back to waht I was, or may be i ll remain waht I am as I may nt have changed at all... whaterver it amy be... My intentions have always been pure, my feelings, sacred.

Havent had a easy life and not blaming anyone for that but myself. May be the sins of my past life will haunt me forever. May be I did something very horrible to someone in my past life taht this is what i got. Dont want to hurt anyone else for my misdeed, I let go of things.

When I wanted to be alone, I never was. and today when I want to be with you, I am not allowed to.
Already sufferin from the punishment for things i did to you, minuscule as compared to waht u went through. Remember you as a breathe of fresh air in my life. Now on, i am choking to death.

what religion?

2008-08-24T11:32:00.002+05:30

do u really need a religion to belong? belong where? to my "community"? to my "friends"? "family"? who?

I dont think we need a religion to "belong" anywhere.

and i relly wanna ask all those who think that they "belong" coz they follow a religion.. what do they get out of their belonging? Day in and day out you too.. like anyone else curse ppl around and earn sympathetic mileages... wtf religion are u talkin abt?

religion is not a ticket to belong... it is just a farce to kill each other...