Life is a Highway

Disorder of neuronal circuits in autism is reversible, new study suggests

2012-09-28T05:17:00.001-07:00

Disorder of neuronal circuits in autism is reversible, new study suggests

Things are changing

2012-05-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

Certainly things are changing right before my very eyes. My life is just a cluster and I just cannot seem to get out of the rut I have put myself in. I thought that I would be a welcome part of my family but I have found that I am, as my daughter has referred to me as, a burden that they do not want to have to take care of. I was unaware that I left that impression but apparently I have. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and I just don't know how to get out of all this mess. I think that there are jobs out there to be had with my experience but with all the rejections I am getting a little depressed. It is bringing me to a place that isn't good. I know that things are changing but I didn't think that it would be so bad as to keep me from moving forward...Maybe I am the problem. I will look at myself and find an answer to this situation.

Now in regards to the topic my daughter spoke about. I have noticed for a long time now that I have not been someone that she welcomes into her family. Her in-laws are closer to her than myself. I don't want to bring all my chaos into their family.

I hope that I can turn things around so that I will be in a better place. I need to do this for myself.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T02:14:00.003-07:00

Well, it is officially Thanksgiving. My younger brother and his family will be celebrating this holiday with my older brother and I. I have a turkey that we will be deep frying. Will will also have smoked turkey breast, yams, potatoes, gravy, green beans, olives, rolls, pies, and red velvet cake for my nephew's, sister in law, and my birthday.

I wish that I could have all my children and grandchildren with me. I pray that some day I will have that as a blessing for me. It would mean so much to me, but at this time I am thankful for my family that I will have celebrating with me later today. I may not have a lot but I do have to thank the Lord for what I do have. I am thankful that my older brother has taken me in and allowed me to live in his house so I wouldn't be homeless. I am thankful that I have found out what my physical issue is and that there is a short term solution until I am able to finally fix it. I am thankful that I have a little money to help out. I am thankful for my friends that have shown me so much kindness. I am thankful for my oldest son that he is back with Teen Challenge and depending on the Lord to help him with his addiction, I am thankful for my daughter and her family that they welcome me and want me to visit with them. I am thankful that my granddaughters love to have me visit with them and that they miss me when I leave to go home, I am thankful for my youngest son and that he has been blessed with a job in a position that he has wanted for a long time. I am thankful that the Lord will someday bless me with being with my grandson Lucas. I am thankful most of all that my Father in Heaven loved me so much that He sent His Son to give me the gift of salvation.

That is what Thanksgiving is all about. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Homeward Bound to recover

2011-11-15T13:35:00.005-07:00

The first night I was up visiting my daughter and family, I was having a great time playing with my oldest granddaughter. First time I was able to get down on the ground and play. Then I had a little acid reflux so I thought that I would quickly get something for my stomach to stop it. I explained it to my 4 1/2 year old granddaughter. She understood and was going to go with me downstairs. Out of no where I tripped and fell. I twisted my left ankle and heard a crack sound. I was so afraid that I would fall on top of my granddaughter that I grabbed at anything to keep me from falling on her and possibly hurting her more than what I now was experiencing. I couldn't even walk that first night. It swelled up so much that I couldn't put on a shoe. It really caused a problem with playing with my granddaughters. Can you believe that something this weird would happen?

Happy Birthday

2011-11-15T13:15:00.004-07:00

This past weekend was a celebration of my youngest granddaughter's 3rd birthday. She was so excited to have all the attention. On Saturday, her G&G Scellick came over to help her celebrate this milestone in her life. She loves to blow out the candles and to have the song "Happy Birthday" sung in honor of her. She is the Queen of the Fairies and loves the colors, pink and purple. She was very happy with all her presents that she got. Then on her actual birthday which was the 14th she got another special gift. It was a beanie baby. A little dog called Bones. It is too bad that I had gotten rid of all the ones I had because I could have given her Bones. Oh well, that is the way it works.

She is a sweet little girl and loves to play with her princesses. She acts shy but she is far from that. I am glad that I was able to celebrate her birthday with her. I have not been able to be at any of hers or her sisters birthday. I had a good time and now I am on my way home.

Going to Bellingham

2011-11-07T02:12:00.003-07:00

I am getting my things together for my trip to Bellingham. I am going to be able to spend my first time with my granddaughters birthday. I am excited to be able celebrate her purple birthday. I still have to get a couple things for her. My daughter, Kamille said that what I have gotten her was enough. On Saturday,G&G Scellick with be there at the birthday party too. It will be fun.

Tays turning 3.

2011-10-29T22:57:00.004-07:00

November 14th, 2011 will be my sweet Tays 3rd birthday. This will be my first year celebrating her birthday with the family. She is extremely excited and if she had her way everyone in the world would be there to help in her celebration. I am not sure how long the list is according to her mama. Advantage goes to parents on this one because a 3 year old cannot debate the issue in her favor.

I will be taking the train up there, which reminds me that I better get my tickets secured. It is a long trip but it is restful and at my age I will need to rest up for all the action and excitement. I am pretty sure that Veronica, my oldest granddaughter will want to fill the role of waking Nana up each morning. Tay may want to do it too so hopefully it won't cause any tears. They both can do it. Now back to the train ride. The rest is because the girls get up much earlier than I usually do, by at least 2 to 3 hours. I am not an morning person and I am proud to annouce that. There is no shame in my game, besides, I am closing on my senior years so it is better to need more rest than to have to wear depends and I will take the sleep over peeing my pants any day.

I have a couple things for Tays that I am sure that she will love but I have one more thing to get. I want to find a pretty dress for her or more leggings. We shall see.

Sisters

2011-10-29T22:54:00.003-07:00

Something I always wish that I had was a sister. I am sure that my daughter, Kamille wished the same. To have that special connection that you cannot have with a brother or brothers. I am not saying that you cannot have a friendship with a brother but it just isn't the same as having a sister. Someone that would understand the things that you go through.

Well, my granddaughters have been blessed with that relationship. I have noticed as they get older they are interacting with each other more. I see how much my youngest granddaughter adores her big sister. She looks up to her and wants to do everything Veronica does. It is really sweet to see how much they love each other. They do have some differences in their likes and dislikes but for the most part they like the same things. Tay loves to play imaginary play like Veronica. They will in the future have their times where they don't get along but there will be a deep sisterly love that will always bring them back as the best of friends.

I have missed a lot.

2011-09-26T22:54:00.006-07:00

My handsome little man, Lucas. I haven't seen him since he was 8 months. I have missed so much of his growing up. His mother took him and moved out of state then divorced my oldest son. The unfortunate thing is that she has used Lucas as a weapon. I am sure that he doesn't even know who I am. His mother has kept him from me and the rest of the family. I pray that the Lord will bring him back into my life and mostly his daddy's. I wish I had the money so that I could get a lawyer to get my grandparents rights. Then I could get to know him and show him that I have missed him so much. I don't know anything about him. I don't know what he likes. What he likes to do. It is really heart breaking. I have to be honest that I have been cheated out of my role in his life. I just have to keep faith in knowing that the Lord wants me to be in his life. To love him, hug him, and do fun things. To watch him grow up.

The sweetest little girls that I know. My wonderful granddaughters. I cannot believe that my little Cadence will be 3 years old very soon. Just 2 days before my birthday. Then my Veronica is going to be 5 years old in January on the same day as their Uncle Willy and Uncle Andrew. In fact, my father was also born on that day. If he were alive I know that he would have loved having his great granddaughter born on the same day as him.

I remember when Veronica was born. Unfortunately I was not able to be there. I was very sick with pneumonia so it would not have been wise. I wish I would have been able to be with my daughter when my first grandchild was born. Then when Cadence was born again I was not able to be there.At times I feel that I have failed as a mother and grandmother. I have missed out on a lot of firsts with them. In fact, they really don't know me that well. I at times imagine what it would be like to have the money to buy them a new home with a mother in laws quarters so that I could live near them and get to know them better. To be honest I am just a bit jealous of my son in laws parents. They have a lot of time with them. I pray that one day, hopefully soon, I will have a close relationship with my granddaughters.

Dear Lucas

2011-07-27T04:02:00.002-07:00

Dear Lucas,

I haven't seen you since you were about 6 months old. You have had 2 birthdays since then and coming up on a 3rd in December. I am sure that you don't even know who I am by now. I don't know anything about you any more. It is sad that the things that happened between your mommy and daddy that caused this to keep you from knowing your daddy's, my son, side of the family. I have no idea if your mommy reads the letters I have sent you. I don't know if you got the gift cards I sent you and if they used them for you. All I can do at this point is to pray that the Lord will bring you back into my life and most of all your daddy's life. He loves you with all his heart. You may not know that because I am sure that at this time your mommy is not letting you know anything about your daddy unless it is bad things. I pray that the Lord will protect you from these kind of words. You are my sweet little man and I know that I will be able to show you how much you mean to me someday soon. I want you to know that your daddy is going to come see you soon and that you will get to know your Uncle Andrew too. I miss you so much that it breaks my heart to look at pictures of you. All I have are old pictures because your mommy will not let me know anything more about you. I have asked but she will not respond. I am sure that these things will change once your daddy gets to have you back in his life. Your daddy will let me see you all the time. So for now, all I can do is say that I love you and miss you.

Love you always, Your Nana.

Dear 15 year old Nancy

2011-06-25T01:40:00.006-07:00

Dear 15 year old Nancy,

I know that it was really hard to move from all of your friends you grew up with and the anger that you built up inside because you felt that your parents were taking away your life and your future. Change is really hard especially when you were taken away from the people that knew you and still loved you. They understood you. It was hard to go away from all that you knew and move to a very small town. The anger and hate for your parents burned so deep that you decided to punish them by not making friends nor get involved with anything at your new school. It was as seen through your eyes as hell.

When your friend Cindy said that her mother and father offered to have you move in with them so you could stay in the school that you would have gone to if you didn't move to. You were so excited. To your dismay your parents said no. Not just no, but NO. It was not their job to raise you, especially through your teenage years. What was wrong with them. Didn't they realize that you would have been happier staying in Portland? What horrible parents. I mean, since your father had treated you as though you were nothing, why wouldn't he agree to it. After all, he is the one that told you when you were 8 years old that he wanted a boy and two years earlier than you. He made it known that he didn't want a daughter. He had already done so much damage that it only seemed right for him to agree to it to get you out of his life since you weren't what he wanted anyway. It wasn't your choice to move. It was your dad that got transferred to a stupid little town.

Well, back to going to a hick high school. It was really a ridiculous little school. The total students was just over 700. No way! Are you kidding me. This just made your soul burn with so much hate that it poured out when you was made to go to school there. Even the building was hideous. It was so old. It had to be more than 100 years old. Then you had the teachers. One of them had to be as old as the building. What was even worse is that you came into the new school 2 weeks after school started and most of these kids grew up in this crap town and everyone knew everyone, kind of like CHEERS, where everyone knows your name.You were the outsider from the very beginning and with your anger exuding out of every pore of your body, it was a horribly bad combination right from the start. The first day of school you pronounced your first teacher's name wrong and was corrected in front of the whole class at which everyone laughed at you. Humiliation was the start of your very first day and it all went down from there. All you could think of is how much you hated it. What good could come out of this place. So many of them, boys and girls wore country looking clothes. You know what I mean. Like cowboys. For crying out loud, how could you fit into this country hick school. In the first couple weeks you had some girl be really mean to you. She thought that you were trying to be better than anyone else there and all you were doing was keeping to yourself. It all happened after PE in the shower room. She shoved you into the gym lockers saying that you thought you were better than her just because you came from the big city. Well, you didn't stand idly by, so you shoved her into a locker and told her that you didn't think you were better than her just because you came from the big city, you knew you were better. Interesting thing with that, she never bothered you again and a lot of the girls came up to you saying what you did was great. That girl always thought she was top dog just because her daddy sold real estate. Funny note, her father was the agent that helped your parents find the house they bought.

Time passed ever so quickly but at the same time, ever so slowly. Your mother pushed you to get involved and to make friends. You did everything not to just to show your parents how you were not going to enjoy life there. After a while you let your guard down, you let someone into your life. As time passed by you started to make more friends. Then you started to hang around those that were not the best but it was all rebellion. You started staying out later than you were suppose to. Your mother would get very angry and upset but you didn't care because you were going to pay them back for moving you to this stupid little town. Then you started to go to parties and drinking. That was bad enough but then you started to smoke pot. Then you found speed. After a while you would experiment with anything that didn't involve a needle. You became a liar to hide everything that you were doing. Sneaking out of the house. It was all rebellion. Time passes on to where you decided to have sex. You were really getting back at your parents for hurting you so much. It was all about you.

I wish that I could go back to you when you were 15 and tell you that it really wasn't that bad. All your anger and hatred did hurt your parents but all the things that went with it was really hurting you. I would tell you that the Lord loved you always and that He could have really blessed you if you would have not played the "it's not fair" game. Life isn't always fair. The Lord told us that the rain falls on the just and unjust alike, so look to Him and He will get you through those times that seemed so horrible. I would want you to know that He has wonderful plans for you and that all you need to do is to trust Him with your life. I mean really trust Him. I would tell you that you are a beautiful young woman with so much to give. So much love in your heart that you needed to let that shine through. You would have made better decisions on what direction to take your life.

Nancy, you did make those mistakes but God loves you anyway. That is why Christ died for you. I want you to know as well, that I love you too.

Your older and sometimes wiser self,

Nancy

What does the future hold??

2011-06-01T00:59:00.003-07:00

What does my future hold for me? Very good question. So in order to try to answer that question I have to realize that I only have control of my future and present to a degree. I know that I have to depend on the Lord to guide me in the right direction and decisions. I feel that I have the right to ask the Lord for a good life. I believe that I have the right to ask the Lord to guide me in my life's walk. It may sound that I am being selfish and uncaring for others but I'm truly not. The Lord says that we can come to Him and that He wants to pour out blessings upon us. All I am saying is that I am asking for blessings. I ask that my future be blessed and that He will show me the right direction to go. I have hopes and dreams and I have things that I want in my life.I want to be not only a blessing to my Lord and Savior, but a blessing to my family and friends. I want my grandchildren to get excited when Nana is coming to visit. I want to have my grandson back in my life. I want to have a place that I can call my home be it an apartment or house. I want my health back. I want to get my certification as a Sign Language Interpreter. I want to make a good living even though I am starting so late in life.I want my oldest son, through Jesus Christ to beat the demons down that want him to remain in a drug controlled life. I want my daughter to know that she is loved and that she can do anything she puts her mind to. I want my youngest son to know that I love him and that he finds the place where God wants him to be. I want to know my Lord better. I ask God to pour these blessings into my life. They are true and straight from my spirit.

24 years ago

2011-05-07T17:07:00.005-07:00

24 years ago my mother passed away. June 9th, 1987 my mother passed from this world to her reward in heaven. This day changed my life forever. Holidays would never be the same, but Mother's Day was the one that I had the most trouble with. Who was I to celebrate and honor on that day. I wasn't able to call her for her advise ever again. She was there for me from the simplest to the most complex of issues in my life. I felt that I lost a part of me that could never have a possibility of restoration. My heart had broken into pieces and there was no glue possible to fix it. There were now pieces that were missing never to be found again.

On Mother's Day our church would celebrate mother's by giving carnations. Of course it was wonderful to receive the red carnations from my children but it was so hard to accept a white carnation for my passed mother. Even though I was blessed by God for my three children and I was always guaranteed to get my favorite flower on a day specially created for that one person in your life that would be there for you no matter what you do and how you treated her, your mother. My mother at times showed how nieve she was but she still had a lot of wisdom that as I got older and had my own children I depended on. Although when I was growing up and especially my teenage years I thought that she only wanted to be mean and keep me from fun, I now realize that all she was doing was trying to raise me up to be a mature woman, friend, wife and mother. As time passed I was able to see that my mother didn't just show me how to live but also how to die. She showed her faith in the Lord through her end days. It was so hard to see her in the condition that she was in but she knew that she would have a new body, free from sorrow and pain. Though I was not with her when she passed onto her new life that Salvation gave her I know that the Lord gave her a peace when she crossed over. I know that it has been a lot of years since that day but I miss her. There have been so many times that I wish she was here to give me her wisdom. But, she did teach me to rely on the Lord through tough times even when I created those tough times myself. She showed me a reliance on the Lord more than I could ever imagine.

I love you Mom and miss you.

2011-03-31T15:16:00.002-07:00

A human boom a rang. Is it possible? Can it be? What would be a deciding factor to classify one as a human boom a rang? Well, I would think that the main ingredient would be that you go from one place to another and back again. If this is correct, then I am one. I am now living in Oregon

How strange it is, this thing called life.

2010-12-11T11:53:00.002-07:00

I reflect on my life and see that through my mistakes I found wisdom. I have at times taken a longer time to learn a lesson from some of the mistakes but none the less I did learn something that at some time in the future I was able to help someone through their rough spot in their life. There are times I wish that I had been wiser so that those pitfalls in my life would not have been something that I would have had to experience. The only thing is that if I walked a different path then that ripple in the walk through life would not just change me but it would also effect my children and those that have been in my life. Maybe I would not have met some of those people. Maybe my children would not have the lives they have now. What would life be like then? Would I have been the same person? Would my children be who they are? I think of these things but the problem with that is that I am where I am meant to be. So why think on these things. It is really a waste of time because it creates doubt, guilt, anger, revenge, sorrow and much more. I had this life because I chose for such a long time not to have the Lord on the throne of my heart. I know that through the things that I did that for some reason the Lord protected me even when I was choosing my own way. As I revisit my past there are things I have done that clearly showing that the Lord was not the first person that I spoke to for advise. I seemed to run on auto pilot which I see that when I was running my life in that matter I was opening the doors wide open so that the enemy could walk right in with out any problem. In fact, some may think that there was an invitation sent out so that it would be easy to come in for my life's party. Sadly, it was true that I was walking on the wide path to destruction. As age has come my way I am trying to draw closer to my Lord, Jesus Christ. Do I still make mistakes? Yes, but I am aware and bring it before the Lord and gain the forgiveness that was already given at the time of my salvation. So, I realize that I will make mistakes I will see them quicker so that I can bring that knowledge to my book where I have filed all the problems I have had but now I see the difference from my past and my present. The Lord has been with me through out all my life and has never been different, it is me that is different. I see where God was waiting for me and now I see God faster and able to see His hand so clearly. Does that mean that I am prefect ? NO, it is that I try my best to make better choices and have more confidence. How strange it is, this thing called life.

What's the use!!

2010-11-13T03:11:00.004-07:00

I am lost at the moment. I feel like I am in a very bad movie and there is no hope or chance of happiness. So, what's the use. Why walk this path because I have walked the same path so many times in my life. I keep tripping in the same potholes, fall because I again did not see the same rock that I stubbed my toes on. The same bruises, scratches, and cuts. Each time I start out I hope for something different but unfortunately there are not any changes. No matter how hard I try I cannot get out of this place. I am trapped and condemned to this horrible place. Never changing. I would love to hear the birds sing, watch the flowers bloom, to feel the warmth of the sun, and to gaze at the clouds that take shapes of mysterious far off lands. To smell the crisp and refreshing ocean winds as it plays around you.and teases my hair. My eyes are open but they are blind, I scream for help but there is no sound to be heard. I reach to feel the softness of the green grass but I look and I have no hands. So, what is the use. I then know that I must get on my knees and cry out to my Lord. Seek His joy, ask for wisdom, ask for His strength and most of all ask Him what His Perfect Will is for my life. There may be bumps in the road but I know that I can make it through because the Lord is with me every step of the way. If I look to Him I will hear the birds sing, watch the flowers bloom, feel the warmth of the sun and gaze at the clouds that take shapes of mysterious far off lands. There is so much that He will show me and give me as long as I humble myself. He wants nothing more than to bless me. I just have to quit looking at me and keep my eyes on Him. Thank you Father for helping me grow up. You have shown me so much and that you have taught me that old dogs can learn new tricks. You are amazing.

I hope that you enjoy.

2010-11-07T23:18:00.004-07:00

I hope that you enjoy this

When do you stop walking on egg shells

2010-11-07T23:03:00.003-07:00

Now as the title asks "When do you stop walking on egg shells" You stop having to bite your tongue when the people that you were around are not on your friends list on any of your blogs. If you read my blog and you don't like what I have to say then stop reading it. Quite frankly, if you get offended by my insight or thoughts then my hat is off to you. Now you may wonder about that last statement...it is because it is like watching Smoking Gun presents....World's Dumbest. I will think of the catagory later. So for those that read my blog and you start to feel that anger fill you up inside, or maybe guilt then you really should ask your self, maybe these emotions are because you have done something that the Lord would not approve of.

2010-11-03T17:57:00.002-07:00

I have found that my new doctor thinks that I do have a problem with a nerve impingment. I have been living with pain since May 26, 2009 when I had surgery. I have suffered through DVT and exstremely sensitive pelvic area which makes the skin in that area sensitive to touch. There is also pain in my left leg

2010-11-02T22:44:00.002-07:00

I was going through some of my things, making decisions on whether I will keep it or throw it away.

Listening to God

2010-10-10T01:30:00.005-07:00

Today I read a blog that really caught my attention. Reflecting on the Grace of God. It was very interesting that when you throw away a marriage, kidnap the child that your spouse helped create when something goes wrong. I would not have anyone think that it was alright for the parent that did something wrong. But when that person does everything to get cleaned up they are still being faulted for the issue. Now remember that God had forgiven the person with the issue. That is why this person was able to move forward. With that in mind you would come to a natural conclusion that the other person in this marriage would be there to encourage and build up. Work to get trust back and remember that when the vows were spoke it is a convenient t with God. The real truth is that the person that ran away has decided that it is OK to spit in God's face. I am sure someone might think that my last comment is outrageous but it is fitting when seeing the actions of that person that chose to walk away. The bad thing is that person is using the couples child as a weapon. Liken to a sword, sharp and lethal. As time has passed I have witnessed how that person uses the weapon, slashing and piercing the flesh of the soul and spirit. As this person speaks you can smell the stench of the enemy. In the background you can hear the laughter of the evil one. Observing the actions of this person you see how the evil one has appeared as an angel of light. He has been working overtime to make sure that this family is fractured and broken beyond recognition. He is a liar and has found the weakness to make his move. To speak as if he is God.

One thing that I have been doing is to watch how I speak. To call on the Lord to help me recognize when the evil one is trying to slip into my thoughts. To really listen to the Father is the most important thing to do when those that you love and care for are going astray. Asking for the wisdom to know when you lend an ear but let your mouth be still.

Lucas, you are in the hands of the Lord.

2010-08-23T00:57:00.003-07:00

Lucas is my sweet little man, my grandson. Unfortunately I am currently not able to watch him grow up to a handsome young man. I remember being able to hold him when he was born. It was only for a little time because he was born just a little early so he had to stay at the hospital. It was wonderful to see him come home for the first time in his life. He was small but you could tell that he was going to be the cutest little man born and he would steal your heart. Of all my grandchildren, Lucas was the only one that I was able to be there when he was born. What a wonderful gift. He was born 12/23/2008 just a couple days from Christmas. He was one of my best gifts that year. I became a Nana for the second time on 11/14/2008 with a granddaughter then I was blessed with Lucas. There is no way anyone could look at this picture of Lucas and just melt. He has the sweetest smile.

2010-08-23T00:31:00.002-07:00

I was planning on visiting my granddaughters in September but due to physical complications I am not going to be able to visit with them at that time. I could go but I would not be able to play with the girls and be able to let mama and daddy have a night out since I cannot pick up much of anything. Only about 1 lb is my limit. I had so much that I wanted to do with them and be able to get to know them better since I live so far away.

One thing I know is that my oldest granddaughter has a very good memory so I was devising a plan so that she would accept the fact that Penguin would not be able to come up with me. She would wonder why he did not come with me so I planned that I was going to have a "I'm sorry" gift. Now that she is into My Little Ponies as well as Strawberry Shortcake, I was going to get a couple ponies as the gift with a card saying that he would be sure that he was on the next trip up to visit. Veronica is almost 4 and nothing gets passed her now. My youngest granddaughter, Cadence, is young enough that she would probably not remember that I said that Penguin would be making the trip.

I am truly disappointed that I will not be able to make this trip but in my present physical condition I would not be a good visitor. With all the stairs in their house I would be in a lot of pain. Hopefully the issue with my back and my left leg will get taken care of soon. I may be looking at possible surgery. I would love to avoid that, but if that is what it takes then I will do it.

2010-06-21T02:21:00.003-07:00

As I sit here at 2 in the morning I have been thinking of things that have gone on in my life. I have made so many mistakes that I cannot possibly count them. I use to live in the world of guilt and regret because I battled with the past events that have happened. At times I thought that I would never move on and actually enjoy living free from the burden of those feelings. It was hard to stop because it was so normal for me. It was like I lived in a separate world.
I discovered that I was so rooted in the past that I could not move forward. It was like I was paraliyzed. I kept the anger and hurt from my childhood, marriage, treatment from some people in authority at a church. I was clearly not me. I would have never made many of the decisions that I have made if I would have faced the hurt and anger head on and allowed God to help me deal with it and put them in their proper places. For so long, I kept them very close. So close that I was allowing the hurt and anger to make my decisions.
I think that some of the issue was that I had a father that was abusive. He would hit me as if I were an adult. I turned my agresstion toward the boys in my neighborhood because I was able to be the controller in the situation. I couldn't beat up my father so I would beat up the boys because subconcious was causing this behavior because it was my way to hurt my dad but in reality I wasn't, but I was in control and I was the victor. I was told at the age of 8 by my father that he wanted me to be a boy and 2 years earlier....well, that was impossible to do so I did everything I could possibly do to be like a boy. I pushed myself to be the best and so far superior than boys in anything such as sports. I was the ultimite tomboy. I was very successful for a long time but then there came a day when I couldn't be that boy, the day I started my period. My body started changing to become a young girl. I hated that because I believed that my father would hate me. It was my fault. Looking back I realize that it was the enemy trying to keep my mind off the Lord who would show me that I had freedom.

My Precious Little Man

2010-06-18T20:56:00.006-07:00

He is so handsome. He has the best from his momma and daddy. What a perfect combination. You cannot help having your heart melt because he is so adorable.