the johns universe

Swine Flu Linked to Deficiencies in Vitamin the johns, Experts Say

2009-04-28T13:40:00.000-07:00

Scientists, nutritionists and mystics have long agreed that regular infusions of vitamin J (the johns) is an important and integral part of every healthy diet. Although the proper usage guidelines vary from expert to expert, the most common dose of one punch-to-the-face-while-dancing-to-the johns, is generally recommended.

New studies, however, by leading researchers in the pseudo-medical industry have shown that, not only composed of wholesome ROCK goodness, Vitamin J (the johns), in some cases, can miraculously cure heinous disease. This study has shown that when exposed to concentrated levels of Vitamin J(the johns) 90% of swine flu sufferers have spontaneously risen from their hospital beds and begun dancing. This reaction, what researchers are now calling the johns effect, is so strong that in a rare 2% of cases dancing patients spit beer on everything and everyone around them (including expensive equipment).

Researchers have attributed the johns effect to the high levels of awesome that permeates the johns, especially in their pants.

We're Back, Bitches!

2009-04-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have been coming up to me on the street and asking about New York's hottest band, the johns. "What have they been up to," the people ask. "When can I go see them play their kick ass music," they query. "Are the rumors about Jon Ream true?"* The people want to know! The people have been asking "why, oh why, haven't you been blogging?" Well, I'm hear to tell you that all that the blog is back. We will be answering all your questions and more, and delivering the goods from that special johns perspective that we know you love.

FYI:
Yes, the johns will be playing a show tonight with the tall black girls.

Yes, the johns will be going on a Midwestern rampage of terror and destruction. They're coming to your town, LIVE starting in August, so LOOK OUT!

Yes, the johns have and will continue to carry on their campaign of making you dance while punching you in the face, and plan to continue to do so.

*the rumors ARE true.

Johnny's Manic Mondays

2008-10-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

I should drink more, eat more, stuff myself like a fucking pig and live in a $300,000 pre-fab shit hole cause it's my right. I am American. I am suffocating. I do good things. I feel surrounded by d-u-m-b people Check us out CMJ. Watch the future. Get off your ass, make something, fight, want it, lick it, fuck it, run naked, no time for complacency. Don't let your TV steal your flavor. I hate you right now I want more. Don't be nostalgic or too reactive or safe or fair, GET OVER FEAR. RUN! HIT! KICK! PUNCH! DRINK! DESTROY! DIE! DIE!!! LIVE FULL SMART RIGHT NOW!!!

A Debate, Stupid

2008-10-15T11:42:00.001-07:00

So the last debate is tonight, and I was just wondering if you're even going to watch it? Yeah, I guess I'll watch the stupid thing, too. Although, I have no idea why they still call them debates. It was my understanding that in a debate it was customary for debaters to actually ANSWER questions. But I guess that's whats great about modern politics: nobody really has to answer for anything. Just reject the premise of the question, and you'll do fine.

Well that just doesn' t make for a very good show, in my humble opinion. What we need to liven these debates up, is a good old-fasioned way to keep score. So what I propose is that the news networks and sportsvision get together to come up with a little tab below the debaters faces, and everytime one of them answers a question and uses sound logic, they get a point. Everytime the debater dodges a question or uses falty logic or inaccurate data, they lose a point. We put a big fat scoreboard in the debate hall so we all know just how we're doing.

I know the moderator supposedly keeps score, but we need it big and in our faces so people can place bets and so there is a clear winner. Lets keep these ass-holes honest.

Johnny's Manic Mondays-FROM LA

2008-10-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

Happy to be back in LA, although I hate this hotel I'm at. It's in on the porn star promenade on Santa Monica and gay. I never came around here when I lived here, why start now? HUH? I'm leaving this dump, LATA!

SO we had a pretty kick ass show the other night at Mercury Lounge. I love all the faces that showed up and rocked it with us, but one question: Why are there seats in any NYC music establishment? It encourages bad seated behavior: anti-movement. Maybe in 40 years when we are on the jazz standards and colostomy bags tour, but WHAT THE FUCK (spelled out)! Now it wasn't a big problem, and a lot of racks and sacks where shaking all over the place, but all that it takes is one lame chick and now its a fucking dinner party on the sidelines where people should be doing it or fighting. I did spot some couple outside fighting right after our show which I thought was appropriate and brought a smile to may face!

Our new EP comes out Tuesday, Oct 21! Get it! I give you sexy sauna Britney for your visual enjoyment. I liked it better when she was bananas, but she looks hot. Punch my Face. xxxo.

Seven Inch of the Week

2008-09-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

Hello ladies and gents. Now, I know what you're gonna say....there hasn't been a seven inch of the week for quite a few weeks now, and I just threw away my record player, thinking that it was no more. Well....you're wrong. So go out to the dumpster, dust off that needle, and get ready for some more seven inches that will change your freaking life!! It is true that the Johns have been secluded in an underground cave working on a new EP, to be released in time for CMJ. Now that we have come to the surface of the earth again, you should be expecting to see blogs on a more regular basis. Anyway, the seven inch this week is a split seven inch : Bad Religion/Noam Chomsky's - New World Order: War # 1. Okay, so you all know Bad Religion. If you don't, you've got problems, and I'm not even going into it. Now, we have seen recently many musicians and bands getting into politics in their music. Bad Religion was doing it before it was the hip thing to do. This split 7 inch was a release in 1991 to protest the First Gulf War. The release came on maximum rock 'n' roll's label, which was a prevalent punk/hardcore zine back in the late 80's early 90's, and remains a source of music candor today. The tracks on this 7" by Bad Religion are both on the A-side and are 1) Heaven is Falling and 2) Fertile Crescent. They are both ROCKERS, and amazing tracks. In fact, I would also suggest you check out the full-length record on which they eventually appeared, entitled Generator. Now, the great thing about this seven inch is that the B-Side is a political analysis by the famous MIT professor Noam Chomsky. All I have to say is splitting your 7 inch with an anarchist/libertarian socialist.....now that's PUNK ROCK!!!

Johnny's Manic Mondays

2008-09-22T11:50:00.000-07:00

WOAHHH! SEAGULL! WOOOOAAAAH KATE! WOOOAAAAH Jay Braun!

Hey People!

So I got my hair did and rescued from the beautiful people at Seagull Saturday. If you haven't heard of the joint, then you're missing out. Kate and company really do it right over there. Check out their amazing blog: seagullhair.typepad.com
and go get yourself pretty: www.seagullhair.com

We just finished mixing and recording our new EP with Jay Braun (pictured on the left with the chick). If you've never heard of him, where've you been? Jay's worked on music with Jon Spencer, Chuck D, Catpower, The Stills, Fiery Furnaces, and his own rad band, The Negatones. He's dope as hell, so is his D-O-G, the music's going make you wet yourself, GET READY!!!! D-U-M-B never sounded so fresh!

Johnny's Manic Mondays

2008-09-15T20:48:00.000-07:00

Well well well, nothing really to say today except FUCKING SARAH PALIN! Me and every other thinking person, but if this shit works...THE GOOD OL'USA DESERVES WHAT IT GETS! STOP THIS GLORIFIED REAL ESTATE AGENT!

No offense to real estate agents, she's just got the look. Kind of like this lady from Hometown that use to balance her checkbook at the table and always say "God Bless You" as you' d pass her table. Can't you just see her smug nazi face on Century 21 signs all over Anytown, USA. Her crooked smile just screams "I just got plowed in the ass by your husband and sold your house for half it's market value and now you're fucked! "

I'm wasting time here. We are starting on our new EP tomorrow! Listen UP!!!! Look out! xxxo.

The End is Nigh! or is it...

2008-09-10T10:52:00.000-07:00

Hi there, it's great to be back after an awesome summer of partying and carrying on (wait a tick, that's what we do all year). Anyway, I thought I'd talk to you about something I find very funny: The new hadron collider in Europe. Now, I know what you're about to say, "what in the heck is a hadron?" And let me be the first to tell you that I have no idea. All I know is that they are going to be collided, and things crashing into each other makes me very happy indeed. I'll admit, the fact that a bunch of alpha-geeks built a big hula-hoop underground to smash things together is by itself, not very amusing. However, whenever you combine alpha-geeks, idiots, and the news media, right there you have yourself some laugh chowder. Take a gander some of these headlines:

MIT physicist gets death threat over collider experiment
Don't panic: Large Hadron Collider won't spawn voracious black holes
Atom-smasher set to probe Universe's secrets (not really that funny, but I just like the word "probe")

As you can see, science + fools = ensuing hilarity. If you would like to know the official position the johns take on this monuments, yet controversial moment in the history of the world, it is this: hadrons good; probes better.

Johnny's Manic Mondays-Fashion Fashion Music Fashion

2008-09-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

Still reeling from Carlos Campos' show last night. It was so good. Can't stop dancing in my head to Marcelo Cunning's dope ass music. Met Sean Paul and Eric Benet and Manuela Testolini as they are all cool as hell. Mr. Benet's from the same stopping ground as most of the johns.

Excited to try out the new music for a crowd tomorrow night! Black Betty in Williamsburg, 10:30pm. xxxo.

Summer Funner While There's Still Time

2008-08-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

Since D-roc is about to be an uncle, he won't be writing to tell us all about how awesome his new fridge is today, so I thought I'd cover for him. So I'd thought I'd share with the top five things the johns like to do in the summer. As we all know, time's running out on summer 2008, but there's still time to get in those last couple shots (if you catch my drift).

So here they are, the johns top 5 summer activities:

5. Drink Sparks!
Often compared to the bubbling concoction of pure liquid evil that turned square old Dr Jekyll into a descent party dude, sparks is the fastest way to black out and then come-to on the streets of Philadelphia babbling incoherently! If a picture is worth a thousand words, a can of sparks is worth a thousand middle fingers to your friends.

4. Pick a fight.
You don't have to punch somebody in the face (although, it can be very fun), but even the simplest verbal altercations can be just the ticket when it comes to squeezing some juice out of that boring day. Try it on a friend or loved one!

3. Leave town.
Just go. Shhhh-- don't cry.

2. Make people on the subway uncomfortable.
Maybe they're just coming home after a long day. Maybe they're getting ready for a night on the town. Nothing beats that look they get when you stand too close to them, and do something wildly inappropriate.

1. ROCK!
'nough said.

Manic Mondays

2008-08-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

Feeling like an angry 15 year old!

I love this wack ass country! But I have some questions:

-Why does everyone have to dress like shit? By in large. Fat babies in pajamas!

-Why do we need to convince people McCain is so bad? (And what the fuck is Angelina's damage, "I don't know who I like yet", ASSHOLE!)

-Why do we not revere people who make it and stay on top? (The Clintons, Madonna, etc.)

-Why don't reporters here ask the burning questions?

-Why is high fructose corn syrup legal?

-Why encourage everyone to go to college?

-Why is pot illegal?

-Why is travel 50% more in the summer?

-Why do we fall for it?

BJORK SAYS:

Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Start your own currency!Make your own stampProtect your languageDeclare independenceDon't let them do that to youDeclare independenceDon't let them do that to you[x4] Make your own flag![x6] Raise your flag!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Damn colonistsIgnore their patronizingTear off their blindfoldsOpen their eyesDeclare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!With a flag and a trumpetGo to the top of your highest mountain![x6] Raise your flag!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Raise the flag!

Badass Howto: Part III

2008-08-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

I've been talking with you about what it takes to be a badass. I've warned you of the tight rope that this path can be, knowing always that you walk a fine line between asshole and douche bag. However, there comes a point when you may do something so great that your legendary status will be guaranteed for all time. Once you reach this level, no matter what you do, your name will no longer be spoken, but whispered with awe and envy and fear.

I'm not sure if your mind is ready to handle the magnitude this concept, but I've recently been inspired by the XXIX Olympiad, so I decided to share my thoughts on the subject. These are really the defining moments that separate the badasses from the losers (and the assholes and douches, of course!). Let me give you an example, that actually hits all of our points quite nicely:

The day: Sunday, August 10th, 2008. The place: the water cube, Beijing China. The French 4x100 freestyle relay team, lead by Alain Bernard is considered the best in the world. This is what sets the stage for that defining moment I'm talking about. The Frenchies, although they are considered the best and hold the record, start talking shit.

"The americans, we're going to smash them. that's what we came here for."

by saying this we can see that Bernard, despite his skill and ability, has clearly fallen off the path of the badass, and become an asshole. And what happens? Along comes 32 year old Jason Lezak, who never rises to the frenchie's insults, and beats him in one of the greatest races of all time. The outcome of the race not only instantly propels Jason Lezac forever into the status of badass, but it also has the additional effect of changing Alain Bernard's status from asshole to douche-bag/loser (if he had won he would have retained his asshole status).

The moral of the story is this: don't talk trash and then lose, you douche-bag! Here endeth the lesson.

Johnny's Manic Mondays

2008-08-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

What started out just another Manic Monday is now sunny and in full swing! I'm leaving for Stockholm in a few hours. Just recovered from Thursday into Friday into Saturday bender. AND HERE'S A TIP: When your still reeling, do something productive. After staying up all night from practice to party, to Motor City to after party to street dancing, I stood in line for the new iPhone because every line needs a hunky junkie and because I wanted the damn phone, I love it so much I wanna fuck it. HERE'S ANOTHER TIP: Always give your favorite bartender your extra rave stash=free tequila sunrises all night and nothing but trust when they are wielding a knife around your neck.

So from time to time I check out this place that is devoted to meditating on World Peace. I know, I'm a walking contradiction and that's how I like it. But I have some questions regarding Buddhism: Punk-rock and Buddhist? Yeah! Fuck FUCK YEAH! someone like Ms. Michelle help me please with this query: What to do if bugs are eating your house, exterminator? etc...? This is so not Buddhist but what do you do, give in and let them eat your house. Everything else makes perfect sense.

Party Like It's 1899!

2008-08-06T11:54:00.000-07:00

Hello, I thought I'd take a break this week from explaining what it takes to be a badass (and why you are not one), to discuss something that I know you are very interested in: Absinthe! Yeah, get ready to cut your ear off baby! So, I was cruising digg.com (something that I highly recommend), when i came across this tidbit from wired. That's right, after being banned in the states and many European countries since 1900, the green fairy is legal and ready to mess up your face. (its actually been available since last year, but that doesn't make it any less good!)

In fact I can remember a couple occasions when my face was definitely seriously messed up by this stuff. The first time happened at the good old Beta Psi chapter of Sigma Nu, where myself and several of my esteemed collegiate associates formed a crack team devoted to none other than libation investigation. We managed to collect a fair amount of data on a number of potent beverages. Unfortunately, since our data was mostly anecdotal, our findings were never published. But I have no problem providing a brief description of our absinthe experience. As one of my colleagues put it:

"We found ourselves in a remarkably altered state of consciousness, where time and space began to lose their meanings. And together we drifted through a green fog. Also, we were piss-assed drunk."*

What fun!

As we all know, getting piss-assed drunk has both its ups and downs, and the johns condone both. The thing that makes absinthe so good, even though it may bamboozle your wits enough to think that the best way to get your GF back is to lop off parts of your body and send them to her, is that it has a ritual. You take a sugar cube and a fork and light things on fire and its awesome! What our exhaustive study suggested is that, while just plain drinking is pretty fun, getting drunk lighting things on fire, is SUPER fun, and I highly recommend it.

So the next time you're out, and you feel like going all the way, please think of me, Van Gogh, and the green fairy (in that order), and go for it! Here are some place that will help get there.

* I don't know who said that, we were wasted!

Manic Mondays and BIG GAY TUESDAYS

2008-08-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

Hi Hi! Im a DJ!

It's late, I know. Fuck you.

The johns are really on fire right now, I didn't have time for anything the past couple of days, neither did Derek so I am writing for two.

We have a new manager that is badass and who gives a what, so that's great.

We are recording a new EP/7inch/something, so that's dope! Definite departure from the other stuff. More dance and crazy. The guy we are "this close" to working with described the anticipated sound as unapologetic...with dance beats. There's really no kind of music better than that if you think about.

Why am I a Dj? Because everybody is a Dj, right, especially if you are in a sexy band...so, check!

The guys from Chromeo and Bloc Party and The Virgins are playing records ( I hope, I mean everyone has a decent playlist on their IPOD, but playing records is the way, especially techo, I'm going be a techo-DJ, you'll see) on Thursday. RSVP here: http://www.uptheantics.com/preapwbashrsvp I will be there. We should make out.

I will be posting from Stockholm next week, so if any of you have anything cool for me to do there or stuff to check out, hit me. You know where to find me. xxxo.

7 Inch of the WEEK

2008-07-31T06:35:00.000-07:00

Okay Lady's and Gent's. As you all now, every week I tell you all about one track (and usually more) on a 7-Inch record that you need to check out. This week's 7-Inch track is Scared of Chaka - Shaolin. First, a little history on the band. Scared of Chaka is a garage band from Albuquerque, New Mexico. Now...I know what you're thinking. Can a band from New Mexico really be good? Well...think about it. There's really nothing to do in New Mexico...so you either become really good at Magic the Gathering, like our friend Tim-Tim, or you get together with a group of your buddies and rock your asses off. Scared of Chaka chose the latter. So, these guys started playing in the early 90's and have this amazing garage-sound that is only attained by cheap recordings in a hot basement (or garage). The lead singer/guitarist, Dave Hernandez, later went on to be the Bass player for the now-popular (but kind of lame live) band "The Shins." In fact, the other band on this 7-Inch, Flake Music, went on to break up, and form The Shins without Hernandez, and in 2003, after their bass player left, added Dave Hernandez as their full-time Bass Player. Pretty cool, right? Maybe it was this 7-Inch that created the bond that would later lead to the rock-connection. Or maybe there were only 10 guys in Albuquerque who could play music. Who knows?

So, on this 7-Inch, which was released in 1997 on 702 Records, both bands cover one song of the other band, and compose one original track of their own. Scared of Chaka's original "Shaolin" is for the A.D.D. child in all of us. Its a rocker, but only just over 2 minutes long. Check it out, its a cool track! This 7-inch is also printed on Orange Translucent Vinyl...so its really cool. Unfortunately, as indicated by the 702 records site the record is out of print and not available. But, if you can find the original at a used record shop..its really cool looking, and a collector's item...especially for all of you die-hard Shins fans out there (of which I am not, which makes me even more satisfied to know I own this record).

Also, Flake Music's original track on the split is entitled "The Shins" (holy crap this is getting weird!) Hmm...real original guys, form a new band, and name it after one of your old songs. Maybe the johns should form a new band and call it D.U.M.B. In the words of Johnny P....."NAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Anyway, Scared of Chaka is doing a mini reunion tour this September culminating in a show at the Forward Music Fest in Madison, Wisconsin on September 20th. From Albuquerque to Wisconsin...wow! Bring your parkas!!

Badass Howto: part II

2008-07-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

Assemble your crew

Some, like myself and the other members of my kickass band, the johns, are born badassess, and it is both a blessing and a curse. For others, becoming a badass is an ongoing process. You will not just wake up one day, and be a badass. Rather, over the course of time you MAY find yourself in situations in which you will do some badass things that go on to become the stuff of legends.

A crucial step you must take while on the path of the badass, is to make the commitment to always back up your crew. This choice can sometimes get you into some hairy situations. For expample, going back The Outlaw Josey Wales, when his friends were captured by Ten-Bears, he rode in all alone, to get them back. As we know from the chief, he wasn't expecting to return, but he went anyway. For him, the choice of facing certain death for his friends was simple: there was no choice. Not many people have the intestinal fortitude for that sort of commitment, but for those select few, the title of badass awaits.

Backing up your crew, no matter what is important, but to the badass, the crew can also serve as a litmus test. While on the path, with the danger of becoming an asshole on one side, and a total douche-bag on the other a badass will need to check his/her progress. If for example you find yourself facing a horde of angry drunks, and you look behind you to find yourself all alone, you have gone over to the side of the assholes. If on the other hand, you find yourself with a group of people who are more like accessories than friends, who you would gladly sell at not only the first sign of trouble, but also the first hint that you could be hanging out with somebody "cooler," then you my friend, are a douchebag.

For further study I recommend Alexander Dumass' The Three Musketeers. Until next week, regard every smile as an insult, and every laugh as a challenge.

My Keyboard kicks your keyboard's ass!!

2008-07-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

As a member of the johns, I get asked often*, “you all have such a cool fresh sound, how on earth can I replicate it?” Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but my answer is always “Sorry, (insert fan’s name here)…You can’t!” (However, before dashing said fan’s hopes and dreams, I first thank the fan for their nice words.)

Nope, what makes our sound cool and dope is our original & exclusive punk/disco hybrid brand of rock and roll…that and the 5 awesome dudes** which comprise the johns.

But I can give you a little insight into some of our music making secrets... or rather, some history on some of the instruments used within the johns’ compound***

The johns use past, present and future experiences for our killer song writing. Think of us as a time machine of musical influences. Our current sound is most definitely the future of music. You will be dancing to our tunes for eons (long after you die and your corpse rots and decomposes) -- so just accept that the johns are here to rule your world! However, we also use tools from the past to create our killer tunes****.

And today I would like to share with you one of those tools:
The Wurlitzer Electric Piano.

The Wurly is a rock and roll staple. It’s been around since 1955! Silly synths bow down to it’s formidable history, it’s hard biting bark of a sound, and the fact that it weighs a ton. The guts of one of these monsters looks like a grand piano (complete with wood and red felt) married to an old transistor radio (wires and knobs and electricity!) All that equals massive coolness… and with the johns, you should expect nothing less.

Click here to take a look/listen at some of the Wurly’s most famous past rock songs:

And then take a listen to how the wurly helps to create johns’ musical magic:
http://www.thejohnsnyc.com/music.html

You’ll notice the Wurly 200A playing in both THE ONE, and the chorus of WANNA DANCE. And the über cool ancient WURLY 145 playing during the “clap break” of our most recent video hit, SHAKE IT.

And that my friends and fans is just a smidgen of some of the secrets of the johns’ music magic. Now that you all are quivering with excitement,.. I must say goodbye.

Derek

*on average 3 times a day, when out in public without a mask on

**some more awesome than others

**the johns’ compound is neither dangerous or cultish…unless you want to be. In that case please email us ASAP.

****the johns’ music is really not deadly, unless you were decapitated by a fiercely spinning CD.

Johnny's Manic Mondays

2008-07-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

I'm sick...please forgive me for the short post. We are rumbling about doing a new EP/7 inch. Our last album was like having an ugly kid. They have their charming ways about them, they are good for a laugh, they show promise, they can only get better with time, etc... Now the thought of making a new one FUCK YEAH! and with the people we might be working with...that's like banging Angelina and having her harbor your genius. I think our debut had a lot of really great songs on it, and even a few good recordings, but I can't wait to do it right, right, right!? One "producer"we worked with before, only to be referred to as D-D-D-D-douche! was like putting your privates in a blender and hoping for the best.

In the meantime, stalk us, hunt us down, and we might even let you into band practice or at least kiss your face. Even if it's face above, cause I think you're sexy no matter what.

xxxo.

7 Inch of the Week

2008-07-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well...we're back again, for another edition of 7 Inch of the Week. For those of you unfamiliar with this weekly account...it's easy. 1) I give 1 track off of a seven inch that you should check out, and 2) You go out and buy it and listen to it. Or, more likely1) I give you 1 track off of a seven inch that you should check out and 2) You buy the track on itunes. LAME. Anyway, this week's lucky winner is The Figgs - "Let's Get Arrested"

If you're unfamiliar with "The Figgs" here's the downlow. These guys were a great straight-ahead punk rock quartet that started in the early 90's. They had some success with their full-length "Low Fi-at Society High," and were sigend to Capitol Records (along with their touring partners, TripleFastAction, another great band everyone should check out). Believe it or not, I remember seeing The Figgs (and T3Fa) right after their major label releases at the Grog Shop in Cleveland, Ohio, and none other than Jimmy Eat World opened for both of these bands. Who knew Jimmy Eat world would make it big and both The Figgs and Triple Fast Action would fade away. But the Figgs continue on, and they still make music and play shows (albeit with one less member). The Figgs will be playing the Knitting Factory on August 29th in NYC, and you can be sure to see me there. The B-side track, "Let's Get Arrested" is an amazing little interlude, a love song even, about, what else...getting arrested. It's a good activity for a first date, or just a lazy Saturday, and the Figgs wrote a song ALL about it. If you don't like it, I'll give you a buck.

Until next Thursday...

Badass Howto: part I

2008-07-23T13:05:00.000-07:00

I've recently been getting a lot of emails about something that seems to be really important to a lot of people. Let me start out by reading one of the numerous letters I've received:

Dear Javier,

I love your band, the johns, and I think you guys are great. You are obviously the most handsome member of the band, but you're also the biggest badass. I keep getting picked on at school, and I was wondering if you could give me some tips on how I can be a baddass like you.
Tim-Tim,
Florida

Well Tim-Tim, I would love to help you out. I have to begin by saying that being a badass is not all fun and games, and can sometimes be a burden, as well as a blessing. To be an ultimate badass, you have to walk a fine line between douche-bag and ass-hole. Many find it quite challenging and usually gravitate toward one side or the other. I myself often flirt with being a total and complete ass-hole, as many would tell you (if they were still alive to talk). In order to best help you with your makeover from pussy to badass I can give you a quick overview.

First of all, be good at something. As a badass, you have to be able to throw the cards down on the table and just make it happen. People should outwardly think you're a big dick, but secretly wish they WERE you. The only way to achieve this is to actually be good at something, in a down and dirty, "put your money where your mouth is" sort of way. Lots of douche bags out there will just talk the big talk, and be full of shit, so you just laugh at them. You don't want to fall into that trap. You also want to stay from the ass-hole side of the equation, by not needlessly taunting your opponents. Some taunting is okay, but after doing something totally awesome a badass will just leave it at that. An ass-hole on the other hand, will just keep taunting people even after they've won.

It doesn't matter what you're good at, although somethings work better than others. For example, I'm good at playing guitar and kicking people's asses. That pretty much makes me a badass. Kicking ass is definitely a good place to start if you want to be an all around badass. Maybe, though, your passion is pokemon cards. Thats okay. If you want, you can be a pokemon card badass. But you have to realize that that is a pretty small circle. To other pokemon card players you would be a badass, but to the rest of the world you would probably still be considered a pussy.

You see what I mean, its a very complicated system, and one that cannot be addressed in a single sitting. I look forward to giving more insight on this topic in next weeks post. Until then, I recommend watching "The Outlaw Josey Wales" with Clint Eastwood. TTFN.

Keytar News and Views - session 2

2008-07-22T10:41:00.000-07:00

Eight things that make me happy....

1. Morningside Park
It's pretty much my backyard! and, yes... it has a waterfall!!

2. Billy Jealousy shaving cream.
the best shave EVER!

3. My new Refrigerator!!
Just arrived yesterday

4. Title of Show.
I saw this sublime Broadway show last night. It's about 2 guys writing a show about 2 guys writing a show. (And I saw NO ONE there in tank tops and flip flops!!)

5. Free kayaking on the Hudson River
DO IT!

6. Stevie Nicks Soundstage concert!
An excellent concert and proof that if you love what you are doing, you can rock out at any age -- even 60!

7. Xanadu
I saw this movie when i was 9. It was magic to me then. And it made me realize that designing record albums was a job you could have. 28 years later, i get the honor of designing the CD for it's Broadway counterpart:

8. Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog

....And three that make me NOT so happy:

1. People who ride their bicycles against the traffic. Just because you are NOT in a car doesn't mean you can ignore traffic rules (stop signs, road directions). C'mon, this is SO friggin dangerous. It creates havoc on the street. What if people drove their cars down the wrong side of the street without warning? It's kinda the same thing!

2. My Superintendent.
He rarely takes out the trash on garbage day, leaving weeks of garbage outside the apartment, attracting bugs and getting smelly. Uggh!

3. Car Alarms.
Does anybody really pay attention to these?? Or do they they just create unnecessary noise pollution. (i'm thinkin the later!)

johnny's manic mondays

2008-07-21T14:42:00.000-07:00

Couldn't get into Santogold yesterday cause I was so late, but I heard she just played with a laptop. I don't know if that's OK considering the album sounds like she has a pretty tight band. Not hating, but come on lady! I love that album. Too hung over to possibly make this interesting and still dealing with lost wallet. I learned my lesson though. Shit weekend until band practice. Our new song is so dope it hurts, listen up everybody, The johns are getting really good. I feel like Britney today and for your delight, here's some crazy Brit Brit from the not so distant past.

Thursdays - 7 inch of the week

2008-07-17T06:38:00.000-07:00

Hey all. Jon here with the first installment of "7 Inch of the week." This weekly post will introduce you to a new 7 inch record each week (just one track), and explain to you why you should get off your ass and check it out. All of the records I suggest are, of course, in my personal collection, and I bought most of them when I was a fat loser in highschool with a record player and a basement full of instruments and nothing better to do. Most of them were bought at a cool punk/indie/hardcore record store, called Ultrasound Music, in Willoughby, Ohio (ironically "the johns" rehearsed at Ultrasounds Studios for the first 3 years of their career - generic name, or ironic coincidence?).

In any event, the 7 Inch of the Week is Alkaline Trio - Bye Bye Love. For those of you unfamiliar with Alkaline Trio (shame on you), this band started in Chicago in the late 90's. Current or former members of this band have also played with such bands as the Smoking Popes, Squirtgun, Slapstick, and Suicide Machines (all bands worth checking out), and current members have side proejcts by the names of Heavens and The Falcon. They also put on a kick ass concert at Irving Plaza in NYC last Saturday. The track Bye Bye Love, is, of course, a cover of the Car's hit track, and the seven inch, a split with the Blue Meanies (B-Side, "The Corpse"), was released in 2000 by Thick Records (a great Chicago Punk Rock label). It's an appropriate cover song for Alkaline Trio, a band encompassed in themes of death, suicide, and a general hatred of love (e.g. Their latest release, Agony and Irony, has a track entitled Love Love, Kiss Kiss, with a chrorus "Love Love, Kiss Kiss, Blah Blah Blah, you're making me sick..."). Check out Bye Bye Love on seven inch, or if you're an asshole without a record player, it's also available on iTunes. If you don't like it, I'll give you a buck.

Until next Thursday....