My Pet Groundhog News

Elf on Shelf prime arson suspect

2015-12-03T07:36:00.000-05:00

While the fifteen year old Victorian home on Adams Ave lit up the night sky, the McCallister family held each other in disbelief while their Elf on the Shelf, Simon looked on with a silly Steve Urkel, Did I do that, look on his soulless face.

"He looked satisfied," said a distraught Kevin McCallister. "We are in tears and that little bastard was just sitting next to us with this look...it's hard to describe. It's like he had this evil sense of accomplishment."

According to reports from the family, Simon had been moving around the house since December 1st as planned, but he incorporated fire into every move.

McCallister explained, "The first morning we found him near our fireplace with a little firefighter hat standing on a book of matches. We thought it was cute. The following morning he was sitting in a ring of lit candles on our dining room table which really shocked us. Things got progressively more intense, I just never thought he would go this far."

An unsealed North Pole juvenile detention report leaked to the media states that Simon served time in the past for dropping a lit sparkler into a gasoline can causing a minor explosion back in 2013.

Numerous calls to Santa Claus were not returned, however his public relation department issued this statement:

While we are heartbroken for the McCallister family, it is important to look at all of the facts before making accusations. We are aware of Simon's passion for fire and burning objects, but we need to let the police and fire department do their investigation in an unbiased manner.

This is the second black eye for Santa this holiday season. Earlier this weekend a herd of outlaw reindeer trampled a grandmother in East Texas. The reindeer had admitted guilt to Texas police and stated they were inspired by the famous song made popular in the 1980's.

Simon the elf is currently being held at the York County Courthouse awaiting the arrival of his attorney Saul Claus.

Kindergarten prodigy allowed to use regular scissors

2015-12-02T17:19:00.000-05:00

Dundalk, MD

After three hours of debate, the school board of East Falls Elementary have agreed to allow incoming student, Cornelius Petticoat, the use of normal scissors in lieu of safety scissors, but declined his second request to run with them.

Petticoat, who speaks three languages, was pleased with the board's overall decision. "I'm happy the board was able to see my point of view. I stopped using safety scissors when I was 2."

The future kindergartner began his plea with faculty in May 2014 after being forced to use kid scissors throughout Pre-K 4 which he believed impacted his arts and crafts performance.

"If you go back and look at some of the projects I worked on last year, they were by far the best in the class, but well below my normal standards. That sorry excuse for a cutting device severely impacted my ability to perform precision style cuts of which I am accustomed," said Petticoat.

For the duration of the summer, Cornelius tells MPG that he plans on second guessing his mother's parenting skills and binge watching Game of Thrones from the beginning.

Car dealer diagnosed as legitimately CRAZY (technically mentally ill)

2015-11-30T15:24:00.000-05:00

For the better part of the summer Max English, owner of New Milford Used Cars, has been slashing prices on his used car inventory to levels many in the business consider crazy.

Turns out they were right.

"Max sold a used 2010 Camry for $5 contingent upon him being allowed to punch a customer in the face," says sales manager Tom Weiskopf. According to Weiskopf, the customized deal stipulated Premathenan Kumar get knocked around like a defenseless sparring partner for nine minutes to receive the discount.

Kumar, who suffered a broken nose and a nasty black eye was more than happy to trade the punches for what he considered to be the discount of a lifetime.

English wasted the dealerships entire 3rd and 4th quarter marketing budget to advertise his very own "Free Kicks in the Ass" promotion. Turn out was poor, but English made good on his promise by kicking every potential customer in the ass as they walked in the dealership.

Deandra Wilkinson recalls her customer experience. "I walked in to look at a used Maxima and this crazy fool comes up out of nowhere and kicks me square in the ass. I lost my mind and started busting him upside the head with my shoe. It all worked out though. Mr. English hooked me up with a sweet Maxima for $500, so long as I promise to vouch as his black friend."

Quid pro quo deals were quite common for English over the past two months. According to sources close to the situation, Max offered to give away a Chevy Cargo van to a customer under one condition. The man, who refused to be identified said, "English wanted me to lay down in the parking lot with a make-shift ramp on my chest so he could try to jump over a Kia Optima with the van. I have a family and my dignity. Even though the payoff would have been great, I can't afford a collapsed lung with my insurance."

Weiskopf informed English's wife about his unpredictable behavior. After tricking him into thinking he was going to get ice cream, Kathryn English loaded Max into their SUV to visit their physician who ran some tests and found out that Max had rabies which had driven him medically insane.

All insane offers were final, however New Milford Used Cars does not plan on running any "unique" promotions in the future.

Mr. English is currently recovering in a mental health facility in Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania where he told MPG news that his prices just went from crazy to INSANE!

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New kid in school distancing himself from friendly nerds

2015-10-25T16:34:00.000-04:00

Ian Baker turned down a Halloween party and decided to go trick-or-treating as a final goodbye to the nerdy kids who were so nice to him during his first semester at Daniel Boone Middle School. The gang knew the time would come and milked it for everything it was worth, going door to door until 9pm Wednesday night.

Joshua Lebenson, who is described as the realist of the geek squad stated, "The first time I saw Ian throw a football, I knew we were on borrowed time. When he asked insanely basic questions about Harry Potter, it became obvious that he would be graduating to the cool table by Thanksgiving. We hope our friendly ways will be remembered during wedgie season."

Baker said he is grateful that his pals showed him the ropes until he was able to settle in with kids in his same social class.

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Crying babies added to no fly list

2015-10-02T10:25:00.000-04:00

The FAA released great news for travelers. Beginning this Wednesday, crying babies or children that appear irritable will no longer be allowed to board domestic flights.

"We have counseled with Homeland Security and in an effort to accommodate the crew and our passenger's sanity, your screaming toddler will be held back with the TSA if he or she is showing any signs of crankiness," FAA Chief, Randy Babbitt told reporters. Later adding, "should the parents wish to leave their child behind, the airlines have agreed to pay cab fare to a local foster home until the parents return."

Regular business traveler Jim Schmoyer said, "This is going to be great! It's bad enough flying coach, let alone sitting next to a crying baby. It's about time someone stood up for the grown ups."

The TSA's litmus test will be a bulletin board of humorous and cute items which they will show the child. Should the child laugh or at least show signs of apathy, they will be allowed to board. Any scowl, brow furrowing, or crying will result in a missed flight.

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Mexican drones stealing jobs from American drones

2014-10-03T09:07:00.002-04:00

Jobs formerly performed by American drones such as package delivery and bombing lesser known terrorist organizations are now being done by cheaper Mexican drones according to a statistic published by the Department of Labor & Industry.

The report, which has the domestic drone community in an uproar, stated that up to 70% of lesser skilled drone missions are now completed by Mexican drones, many of whom fly into America illegally.

"It used to be that you could support your family with these jobs, but now employers are just swinging by the local Radio Shack at 6 am to pick up some illegals hanging outside the front of the building. And you know what really pisses me off? Most of these drones can't even speak binary code!" said an anonymous drone.

Economist Gerald Rothenberger pleas with American drones not to take out their frustration on migrant drones. "It's not their fault. Blame should be placed solely on the companies choosing to work with undocumented machines."

Although Rothenberger's comments are not what Americans want to hear, it's the truth. The migrant drones are simply looking for a better life for their anchor baby drones.

Sure, there's no glamour in delivering packages for Amazon, but one day, their spawn may grow up to join an elite crew responsible for dropping massive bombs on unsuspecting Middle Easterners. And after all, isn't that the American dream?

ISIS recruiting convention fails to bring in top talent

2014-09-21T09:35:00.001-04:00

Jimbo Hussein was abruptly fired from his position as Senior Vice President of Recruitment & Human Resources of ISIS early Sunday morning after 542 dorky white people showed up to their annual Lunch & Learn recruitment summit dressed in super hero costumes.

"I was tasked with finding the best and brightest in the business and I obviously failed. I accept my beheading punishment and take full responsibility for this flop," said Hussein.

In other news, a local GameStop near the recruitment summit location was flash mobbed later in the afternoon.

Science teacher hoping new mustache will gain him respect with incoming 5th grade class

2014-09-02T19:09:00.002-04:00

New Brunswick, NJ- Local science teacher Ronald Harley's new look is not merely a fashion statement, but an attempt to get more respect this school year from a fresh set of pupils.

"Last year was a disaster," admitted Harley. "This wise ass kid, Alex Darby, asks me, how far is Uranus from the moon?"

"For the first time in my teaching career, I thought I actually connected with a student and was really making a difference in this young man's life. Maybe he would mention me as his inspiration years from now at some awards ceremony -who knows? But as I scurried to look up the distance, I could here some snickering which grew louder by the second. That's when I realized he was just busting my balls. I lost all respect from my class for the remainder of the school year."

The mustache, which has been a work in progress since late June, should give Harley the instant respect that a young Tom Selleck would merit. But good looks from his crisp new mustache will only get him so far. Harley wisely chose to gather as much intel about the upcoming class as possible.

"I actively reached out to some of the 4th grade teachers to see if I had any comedians coming into my class. One name popped up repeatedly; Ryder Hickory. I already have it planned out that if Ryder gives me trouble, I'm gonna say: Keep it up Ryder and I'll be ridin' my foot up your ass!" Harley giggled.

"If anybody else acts up, I'm gonna smash this old solar system model on the floor to let them know I'm in charge. I'll probably add something like-that's why you don't F with me! Harley didn't want to get painted into a corner with that particular outburst as he feels the raw adrenaline will take over in that hypothetical situation.

MPG was able to contact Ryder Hickory who stated that he has a game plan of his own. "On the first day of school, I'm going to raise my hand and say: Mr. Harley, I mustache you a question. If he says what, I'm going to say, "How far is Uranus from your mustache."

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Weirdest advertisement for a daycare EVER

2014-08-29T20:13:00.000-04:00

So I need to put my kids in daycare, but I want the experience to be a Vegas style, no holds barred type environment where something reckless can happen at any moment -any suggestions?

Seriously, what the hell is with this sign?

"Um, Mrs. Smith, I'd like to tell you why your son has a giant bruise on his leg, but you know that slogan-what happens in daycare stays in daycare."

To be fair, this might have been a doggie day care which in some ways makes this even weirder. What the hell are you doing with these dogs during the day? Are you trying to breed the next Labradoodle? Maybe organizing some dog fighting ring?

"Ok, we'll bring Scout up in a second. You may notice he has a bunch of scratches and some hair missing, but you'll be glad to know he earned $300 today. I'd love to fill you in on the details but...you know."

Another reason I am fascinated with this sign is the unnecessary follow up, Just Like Vegas! Like the person who ran this daycare saw it initially and said, "Maybe that's too vague, we have some room left, so let's play it safe."

Maybe this is a Nathan For You prank-who knows?

Was there a marketing meeting that went something like this:

"I want our new clients to feel like they are taking a gamble by leaving us in charge, but also want to add a weird element. Kind of like that Vegas commercial."

Blind Locksmith Beats the Odds

2014-04-12T04:30:00.000-04:00

Kenneth Jacobs still remembers hearing laughter as he walked out of Heritage Bank after being denied a loan for his locksmith business 6 years ago.

Thanks to a lot of hard work and private funding through friends and family, Blind Faith Locksmith, a shop run entirely by the blind, is busier than ever .

"I've been told that there are dozens of locksmiths in the yellow pages, but nobody puts on a show quite like my company," Jacobs said. "I can sense that my first time customers are nervous when they see their locksmith hopping off a bus with a seeing eye dog and walking stick-but they love our service. The competition can't compete with our smile and charm."

On average Jacobs and his team takes two hours longer than the competition, but the clients love rooting for him as he fumbles around. Some have even locked themselves out on purpose so they can watch the show again and again.

So the next time you need a locksmith, you should consider giving Blind Faith a call. They may just unlock the key to your heart.

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1 out of 10 Dentists Consider Themselves a Contrarian

2014-04-11T18:28:00.000-04:00

I don't agree with that statement. #sourpuss

Soccer mom shirks snack parent duty

2014-03-31T12:52:00.000-04:00

As the Lil' Raiders from Smithfield ran to the sideline for half time, they were outraged by what they didn't see. Carol Wentz, mother of Branden, suddenly remembered this was her week to provide the snacks. The team's only choice for hydration was to drink from the communal water fountain located at least 50 feet from the sideline.

5 year old phenom and team captain Donny Phillips, said he was really looking forward to something like a Capri Sun and possibly assorted fruit. Adding, "It really sucks that Branden's mom is a flake. Without a snack, I'm just not the same player. Is it so friggin hard to toss in a reminder to your Outlook calendar? We're parched out here."

Tired of receiving nasty looks from the other parents, Wentz went to her car and scavenged whatever she could find in a last minute attempt to make things right. This desperate act only added fuel to the fire.

"She forgot the snacks and then tries to divide up an old box of Raisanettes to recover? This just made the kids thirstier. If it was me, I would have rushed to the grocery store for some gluten free team approved snacks and gotten back to the game before it ended. Carol just stood on the sideline cheering on her son like everything was fine. Never in a million years would I have forgotten," said stay at home mom Donna Westphal.

Wentz was reached later by phone and did get a chance to defend her actions. "I had a really long week and have been under a lot of stress." The pressure obviously got to Carol as she threw out sarcastic digs, "I am so sorry that the kids didn't get their juice box at 8:30 in the morning. What a joke. Next time I'll show up with a jar of peanuts to really piss everyone off. Oh I'm sorry Coach Tom, are peanuts not on the approved snack list? Screw everyone."

Coach Tom sent out a passive aggressive e-mail to the parents reminding them of the snack schedule and asking the parents to make a note of their date. Although sent to the entire group, everyone knew who it was directed towards.

The drama continues next week as the Lil' Raiders continue their season with many questions still unanswered. Will divorced parents Kim and Michael acknowledge one another? Will Kim bring her boyfriend? Will Branden's mother scream like a lunatic whenever he comes within fifteen feet of the ball? Will Dylan wet himself again? Stay tuned.

Should coaches be allowed to hit players?

2014-03-29T15:48:00.000-04:00

All coaches would agree that there is a fine line between disciplining a player and an assault charge. Some experts argue that crossing that line is a perfectly healthy part of a player's development.

"I see nothing wrong with a coach throwing a kidney punch in certain situations," said sport psychologist Anthony Blumer. "To the athlete, it's just a game. But to the coach it's a livelihood. If a game plan is ruined because of a mental error, physical punishment is totally acceptable."

Blumer is not alone. A lacrosse coach, who asked not to be identified, said that athletes are subject to vicious hits on the field and doesn't see a problem with a firm slap to the face or boot in the ass when player's miss an assignment or lose focus.

Old school basketball legend Skip Conner used to slap his basketball players in the face Three Stooges style in the huddle. He would always start with the captain and continue the slap until he completed the circle. As a result, his team won multiple championships and committed zero mental errors.

Hitting players builds character and wins ball games. But it won't come back without your support. Please pass this article along to other coaches and athletic administrators and let them know it's time to bring back the smack.

Do you support "Bring Back the Smack" Let us know your thoughts.

Smart Phones Insulting to Dumb People

2014-03-25T03:57:00.000-04:00

Rosco Jennings has been told he is not smart since he was 5 years old. Now in his 30's Jennings faces ridicule from friends and family each time he uses his "smart phone."

"Everyone says, hey it's pretty ironic that an idiot like you is using something with the word smart in it," Jennings told a reporter.

Jennings is not alone on this issue and the Dumb Community Organization Association Club has written a letter to all of the major phone manufacturers pleading with them to use a more politically correct term.

An office assistant for a top telecommunications firm recalls reading the DCOAC's letter, "I have never seen so many grammatical errors in my life. It was challenging for me to find out what the group really wanted due to the poor sentence structure and multiple stains on the hand written note."

The DCOAC hopes to resolve this issue by late 2014.

Study: Binge drinking amongst senior citizens at all time high

2014-03-01T18:34:00.000-05:00

As baby boomers begin to settle into retirement, many are realizing they may live 10 or more years past their current nest egg savings. In an effort to tip the scales, financial planners are suggesting clients start smoking and binge drinking so their life expectancy better lines up with their retirement plan.

Traditional non-smoking policies will now be Smoking Preferred while old Public Service Announcements are being dusted off to encourage poor health habits.

Bourbon and Scotch manufacturers are securing their place by reviving marketing campaigns and circulating old PSA's on the health benefits of whiskey. Hard liquor pong tournaments are commonplace along with Anything Goes mixers sponsored by the liquor companies.

"STD's amongst seniors have sky rocketed but treatment is a fraction of the cost when compared to routine medical check ups and procedures," said staff physician Dr. Riley from ShadySide Retirement Community. Adding, "the more they drink, the less I have to worry about a malpractice suit."

Ad agencies are rolling out new campaigns to this specific niche:

"Pall Mall: Unfiltered-like your views on Obama"

"What happens in the handicapped bathroom, stays there!

"Only sneaky Japs get regular check ups. Live Hard & Drink Grain Alcohol"

In a whiskey commercial set to air over the Thanksgiving holiday, a group of old timers are seen piling into a Buick Park Avenue smoking cigarettes. Once inside the vehicle, a bottle of whiskey is pulled from under the driver's seat and guzzled by the driver who revs the engine then peels out. The commercial hopes to promote what is being labeled as "Day Time Whiskey."

Gun manufacturers are also stepping up to the plate and supplying doctor's offices and retirement communities with steep discounts on hand guns. This is a demographic which has previously been ignored but with the massive amounts smoking and binge drinking; putting a firearm in their hands just seemed American," said a Smith & Wesson rep who asked not to be identified.

So long as the rest of America can tolerate gun wielding drunk seniors, this may be our country's best option to curb looming Medicare costs.

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Piece of shit snow blower fails when needed most

2013-12-12T11:03:00.000-05:00

Scranton, PA.

Local man Guy Bellefonte will be on the heating pad for the remainder of the day as his piece of monkey shit snow blower decided to throw up the French flag as he battled the aftermath of the Hercules storm.

After wrestling with the primer pump and yanking on the starter, the beast finally awoke from its one year slumber making loud unnatural noises and vomiting blue exhaust directly into Bellefonte's lungs; taking approximately 1-2 years off of his life.

Bellefonte, determined to make it work, covered his face with a scarf to filter out the smoke, then engaged the blades. The glimmer of hope faded fast as the machine pushed out snow like toothpaste. Although the snow was light, it easily overmatched the lazy machine; jamming it shut.

Channeling Jimmy Valvano's message of "Don't give up, don't ever give up," Bellefonte turned off the machine and as recommended by the owners manual-grabbed a rusty screwdriver and violently broke up the packed snow. The dangerous blue smoke lit up the morning sky once more as he engaged the blades. On this run the stubborn-dirty-rat bastard-snow blower dribbled out less and jammed even quicker this time.

"Well...that should just about wrap things up," Bellefonte said sarcastically before firing off a tirade of profanity laced screams causing neighbors to take a peek out their windows at the debacle. A pair of sunglasses and a recycling bin paid the ultimate price in the process bringing the casualty total to three.

Accepting defeat, he reluctantly grabbed a snow shovel to help his wife (who had just about finished shoveling at this point) as the snow thrower looked on mockingly.

Insufferable fantasy football nerd ruins game day party

2013-09-08T10:20:00.000-04:00

Athens, GA: Co-worker/fantasy football extremist, Rolland Dupree, managed to spoil a Sunday of food, fun and football with non stop updates about his fantasy players and chest pounding as the opponent's running back broke the 100 yard barrier.

Phrases such as, that's my boy; why didn't I draft him?; and I hate this vulture back! spewed from his mouth like toxic waste.

Party host, Steve Riley was visibly upset. "I threw him a pity invite late Friday at work, which I now realize was one of the greatest mistakes of my adult life."

During commercial breaks Dupree kicked things up with phone calls to fellow fantasy nerds resulting in shouting matches over who was who's bitch that particular week.

The final straw came in the 4th quarter when Dupree was involved in a heated phone conversation regarding some last minute trade for Sunday night's game and managed to drop his pulled pork sandwich onto the carpet.

Unable to hold back any longer, Riley yelled out a few German commands while pointing at Dupree. In a matter of two seconds Riley's 5 year old German Shepherd, Rudy, had Dupree pinned to the ground by his neck. "Guess you're on the disabled list-BITCH," Riley shouted as his guest pleaded for him to call off his dog.

"I'm not proud of what I did, but given the situation, I felt my actions were appropriate," Riley told police.

Mystery stain spoils couch deal at garage sale

2013-08-21T13:37:00.000-04:00

Brenda Edwards was seconds away from handing over $45 for a used couch when her 4 year old son playfully flipped over a cushion revealing a mystery stain which the owners refused to explain.

"I was definitely concerned when I saw this nasty stain," said Edwards. "The owners were telling me it was just a water stain but that was bullshit."

MPG had an opportunity to speak with the owner of the couch, Vishal Patel. When asked if the stain was either pet or human urine, Patel dodged the question and barked that the price is very fair and the item is perfectly fine. He then offered to knock off an additional $5 which only made Edwards more skeptical.

This double talk from Patel got other bargain hunters nervous about the sanitary conditions of other items including glassware, pitchers and bean bags which all seemed priced well below market value. With disappearing customers, the Patels plan on donating the majority of the items to Purple Heart, if they will accept them.

New Joplin Biography: "It was supposed to be Me & Fart Face McGee"

2013-02-26T19:55:00.001-05:00

5 Groundhog Day facts you didn't know about Punxsutawney Phil

2013-01-02T08:05:00.000-05:00

Happy Groundhog Day 2014
We've all thought about stealing Punxsutawney Phil and keeping him as a pet-but think before you act. Groundhogs are demanding animals and quite honestly belong in the wild, I trapped one to keep as a pet and the little bastard has cost me thousands. If you must steal Phil, be prepared for the 5 things you didn't know about the whistle pig.

1. Hibernation. My groundhog hibernates in my basement all winter long. This may sound like a good thing, but when he wakes up in the spring, it's a different story. Each year, right around March Madness, he waddles up from my basement. He's hungry, horny and ornery. Picture an angry rottweiler trying to hump your leg all day-staring through you with those cold dark eyes. It's creepy.

2. Digging. These animals absolutely LOVE to dig. I need to replace the carpeting in my townhouse twice a year. Last July he dug through the dry wall and wedged himself in between the walls. I had to call a contractor to help me remove him AND he bit me during the process. I had to get a rabies shot.

3. Veterinarian Care. Not many vets will even agree to see a "pet" groundhog, let alone have experience in dealing with one. I only brought my little guy to the vet once and it was not a pleasant experience. The vet told me I shouldn't try to domesticate a wild animal. She was going to call animal control so I smashed a jar of dog treats to distract her so Buford (that's his name) and I could escape.

4. Not good with kids. When I first trapped Buford, I tried to get him comfortable around children. I assume he perceives children as threats, which is why he started snarling so viciously. I settled out of court with the kid's family, but for safety measures, I now put him on a leash when we go out and tie a piece of string around his snout so he can't snap.

5. Special dietary needs. The pet stores don't carry groundhog food, so I just feed him table scraps which may be why he weighs about 45 pounds and is very lethargic. His favorite snack is Bugles and I sometimes let him eat taffy and pretend he is trying to talk. I guess it's not all bad, but be warned.

Happy Groundhog Day idiots!

Jared celebrates New Year's Day with new calendar

2012-12-28T21:48:00.001-05:00

Biggest Job Hunting Myths

2012-12-08T14:44:00.000-05:00

Here are 5 job hunting myths that your scum bag resume coach doesn't want you to hear:

Myth #1: Employers check your Facebook page
This is bullshit. The bozos in HR are way too busy to surf the web. Experts say they understand that Facebook is a personal site and has no bearing on a job candidates work credentials. I would recommend that you ignore the so called experts and continue to post controversial photos and updates. It's ok to be yourself in cyberspace.

Myth #2: Be upfront about your felony conviction
Does this make sense? Would you want to hire an ex-con? Of course not, which is why you need to lie your ass off. You can always play dumb after you have worked there for a few weeks. It's much harder to fire someone once they have proven themselves to be a productive team member.

Myth #3: Show up 15 minutes early to your interview
Do you like it when guests show up early? Then why are you arriving early? The person interviewing you will appreciate you showing up at the requested time or a few minutes late. If your early, it screws up their entire day and you come across as a real pain in the ass before they even meet you. Casually late or barely on time is the official recommendation.

Myth #4: Don't curse during the interview
This is one of the most egregious myths on the planet. By being loose and swearing, you are letting the prospective employer see the real you and it puts them at ease as well. Don't make the mistake of being overly professional. Nobody wants to hire a nerd.

Myth 5: Don't bad mouth your previous employer
If your last job was perfect, you'd still be there-right? Companies know this too. My recommendation is to bash the hell out of your ex-employer so your departure makes sense. Phrases like, they were idiots, management was horrible, or I hated my old boss are perfectly acceptable terms that I would highly suggest you use. Everyone loves gossip and this is the time to spill the beans about your old company.

Funny Craigslist Ad #101-Thanksgiving Companion Needed

2012-11-21T16:36:00.000-05:00

Date: 2012-10-26, 7:41PM EDT
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In need of a single female to pretend to be my fiance this Thanksgiving. You must convince my family that we are engaged. I told them you are dolphin trainer at the Baltimore aquarium and we met at one of your shows. There are going to be a TON of marine related questions so do your homework. I told my parent's you have a lisp (which you are sensitive about) and that you grew up in a foster home because your parents were meth dealers. Reply back with "Dolphin Lisperer" in subject line so I know you are legit. Willing to pay $500 plus turkey dinner and possibly some leftovers.

Funny Craigslist Ad #102-Webinar Prankster Needed

2012-11-20T16:42:00.000-05:00

Date: 2011-12-8, 6:08PM EDT
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My department is having this HUGE nationwide conference call on Wednesday and I need a prank monkey to dial in and yell, "This company is run by a bunch of idiots!" Tell them your name is Mark Dunbar. Thanks a bunch! Send me a response so we can rehearse and I can give you the dial in numbers. Willing to pay $25.

Recently unemployed man breaks out the old juggling balls

2012-08-02T11:49:00.000-04:00

Unemployed line foreman Zach Durkin recalls the night he was let go from his job, he entered his apartment and fired a set of keys at his corner bookshelf in frustration, knocking down his juggling balls.

"That was my sign," he said as he began juggling. "This is really the only thing in life that I am really passionate about. I mean...now I can really get an opportunity to practice and try to earn a living with my gift."

Durkin intends to try out for America's Got Talent in the spring and also plans on incorporating some additional items to his act including bowling pins, chain saws and even mice.

"If I can get the funds together I plan on juggling 3 or 4 mice while I stand in a ring with hungry pythons below. That added element of suspense should really impress the judges. I would love to make some costumes for the mice if I can scrape together the money," Durkin tells me while finally taking a break.

Durkin plans on asking his brother to invest in this idea so he can purchase costumes, bowling pins, about a baker's dozen of mice and four pythons.

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