My Pet Groundhog News

3 tips to increase sales in any industry

2011-08-06T17:20:00.002-04:00

Step 1: Treat receptionists like members of your sales team.

I literally walk into businesses and toss brochures and fliers at the receptionist and run out of the building. A few days later I get a call from the owner of the business practically begging me for my product. I usually make a few sexist comments with the boss about his receptionist to build rapport. A few days later (or whenever I can get around to it) I walk right back into that office and fling the sales contract to the receptionist. By the end of business I get an e-mail with the attached signed contract. I know this sounds like a lot of work, but it's worth the effort to make the sale.

Step 2: Talk only about your company.

Business owners already know about their own business, so you should not ask any questions. Just talk endlessly about your product until the prospect interrupts you and asks where he can sign. I call this the filibuster method. Just keep dragging the conversation on and on until they realize that the only way you are going to shut up is a sale.

Step 3: Decision makers love to go to strip clubs.

Whenever I have a really important meeting, I give the prospect an address. Without his knowledge, the address I gave him is to a really sleazy strip club on the edge of town. This allows the prospect to open up and let down his guard. For $100 I can talk one of the girls into taking some risque photos which I use to blackmail the client. I reserve this technique for big clients that can afford to pay me a shit ton of money.

It's a man's world and these tips are going to make you some big bucks, as long as you got the balls to use them.

If I were President of the United States, I would...

2011-07-04T12:40:00.001-04:00

1. Create a government agency whose sole purpose was to create viral videos.

2. Build an elaborate (and obnoxious) fence on the Canadian border. Once completed, I would go on national television and tell the country that the builder looked at the plans upside down. I would apologize and then sell America on the idea that Canada is the real threat.

3. Have a pet monkey with me at all times. Even terrible news is more tolerable when you have a monkey dressed in an Uncle Sam outfit on your lap.

4. Challenge the youth of America to win the Little League World Series. This would be priority number one and I would constantly bring this up during the Presidential Address. "The youth of this country need to focus on excelling at Little League baseball. This country is unwilling to accept another defeat at the hands of the Japanese."

5. Never remove a very large blue tooth headset.

6. Have my assistant hold up cue cards behind me during press conferences. I would only answer the press if they ask the question which I had already written.

7. All people convicted of a sex crime would be forced to tread waste water at a sewage treatment facility every day.

8. End gang violence by supplying gangs with a large supply of paint ball weapons and ammo.

9. Make it illegal for any store to implement a "You Break It, You Bought It" policy.

10. Repeal "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service"

11. Teachers would be allowed to punch select parents 3 times during the school year.

12. Drugs would be legal with no age restrictions.

13. All troops stationed in foreign countries would come home immediately.

14. Little people leaders would meet with me to discuss the word "midget" I want to find out if it is ever acceptable to use this term. If the answer is no, then I would spend millions of public dollars on a campaign to ban this word.

15. To curb population, I would invest money in off shore communities, designed for the bottom feeders of the country.

16. Force NASA to work on a plan to launch all of our trash into outer space.

17. Encourage major universities to give me an honorary degree. My goal would be to hold the Guinness World Record of most honorary degrees received.

18. Turn river boat casinos into submarines.

19. Lobbyists would no longer exist.

20. Members of Congress would have a maximum 4 year term. No more lifers clogging the system with dumb ass decisions just so they can keep their cushy jobs.

21. Each American would be required to say, "You gotta hand it to those fat cats on Madison Ave" whenever they see a funny commercial.

22. Instead of "My name is (blank) and I approve this message" the new phrase would say, "My name is (blank) and this is something that I would say."

Nostradamas: New revelation revealed

2011-04-24T22:19:00.014-04:00

Nostradamas predicted his son would be a dullard. The visionary was mocked and ridiculed for naming his son Nostra-dumbass.

Within 17 years, he was vindicated.

At age 2 Nostra-dumbass shoved food in his nostrils, attempting to suck down his meals through his nose. He never fully grasped the concept of eating or table manners.

At age 6 Nostra-dumbass loses sight in his right eye after accidentally stabbing himself with a fork.

At age 9 Nostra-dumbass said his first full sentence,

"I soiled my knickers. He followed by saying, "I'm worried that the carrot I stuck in my nose last week is doing some serious damage."

At age 12 Nostra-dumbass was kicked out of school for pooping in the urinals and biting the teacher.

At age 15 Nostra-dumbass almost died due to drinking massive amounts of toilet water despite numerous discussions about the risks.

At age 17 Nostra-dumbass jumped to his death from a 4 story building holding a bed sheet yelling, "Look daddy I can fly. Aren't you pr..."

Nostradamus had this revelation two years prior, but kept the news to himself. Nostradamus wrote about this event in his journal:

"The idiot will plunge from the sky attempting to defeat gravity while his disappointed father shakes his head in disgust."

How to prepare for the 2012 Apocalypse
http://mypetgroundhog.blogspot.com/2010/01/how-to-prepare-for-2012-apocalypse.html

Crack Whores Report Higher Than Expected 1st Quarter Earnings

2011-03-29T20:26:00.002-04:00

Going into this afternoon's earnings report, analysts had been expecting to see crack whores report earnings of 50 cents per share. Excluding one time items, crack whores stated their quarterly earnings were 54 cents.

During the same period last year the whores had earnings of 38 cents.

Revenue was also higher than expected at $8.76 million, versus analyst estimates for $8.7 million.

It was definitely a strong quarter, with exotic whores seeing growth in all geographic areas of 30% or greater.

Sales of a new hybrid crack were up 29% year over year. Analysts had been expecting to see an increase of around 20% during the quarter.

In addition to posting better-than-expected earnings numbers, the whores announced that they would be lifting their quarterly dividend by a penny to 6 cents. The new dividend will be payable to shareholders of record as of April 13 and will be paid on May 4.

Classic Movie Titles

2011-03-29T19:58:00.001-04:00

Here are the top 5 movie titles of all time.

1. The Racist Philanthropist

2. Smelly Fingers: A mushroom pickers tale of life, love and redemption

3. The Blind Locksmith

4. Faulty Plumbing: How one woman's medical condition kept her from joining the Olympic Gymnastic team

5. Pompous Pediatrician; Angry Mother

Funny Jokes

2011-01-12T19:32:00.002-05:00

New Material:

Wrestling a homeless man to protect your territory in an abandoned factory is a lot like fishing your heart medication out of a sewer. It's smelly and unpleasant, but if you don't do it, you'll be dead by the morning.

A couple of gays were roughed up outside a movie theater last night, but it didn't make the 11 o'clock news. Apparently the media doesn't care about gay on gay violence.

Things I did not expect to overhear:

"Did C+C Music Factory ever put out an acoustic album?"
"I saw him coming at me and I just went in a Buffalo Stance-he didn't get fresh with me"
"I miss the warmth of microfiche"

Future Jack-Asspirations
I want to open up a sign company. My niche will be the word "more" The goal of More On Signs will be to create signs that give the perception that the banned activity was one time accepted.

For example:

No more smoking
No more loitering
No more guns allowed
No more dance competitions in parking lot

Practical Joke:
Develop a large picture of your face with an expression like you are peering in on someone. Then take that picture and tape it your neighbors bedroom window on the outside. I'm sure they will think it is super funny and most likely come over immediately to congratulate you on the gag.

Smart Phones Insulting to Dumb People

2011-01-11T03:57:00.001-05:00

Rosco Jennings has been told he is not smart since he was 5 years old. Now in his 30's Jennings faces ridicule from friends and family each time he uses his "smart phone."

"Everyone says, hey it's pretty ironic that an idiot like you is using something with the word smart in it," Jennings told a drunk reporter.

Jennings is not alone on this issue and the Dumb Community Organization Association Club has written a letter to all of the major phone manufacturers pleading with them to use a more politically correct term.

An office assistant for a top telecommunications firm recalls reading the letter, "I have never seen so many grammatical errors in my life. It was challenging for me to find out what the group really wanted due to the poor sentence structure and multiple stains on the hand written note."

The DCOAC hopes to resolve this issue by late 2011.

Extreme Resume Makeover: Get Noticed, Get Hired!

2011-01-04T20:35:00.006-05:00

If you're tired of being ignored by pompous hiring managers and scum bag HR Directors, then I have the solution for you. Introducing the resume template to end all resume templates. This format will move your resume from the trash can, to the top of the list.

Why Guy?

It's simple. I found out a secret that fancy resume services won't tell you:

YOU'RE USING THE WRONG KEYWORDS!

Forgot those cheesy lines such as: self-motivated, dedicated, responsible, drug-free, goal-oriented, blah, blah, blah.

These lines put HR Directors to sleep and make you AND your resume look like one big jackass.

Lighten up and start being real for a change. Feel free to rip off this template as it may be the best resume of the new year:

Profile Looking for a management opportunity where I can let loose, be raw and share my brutal honesty with clients and employees. I’m an emotional guy who’s not afraid to step on a few toes in order to complete a project. I will bring the heat every day for the right company and compensation. You got the plums to hire me?

Experience Manager of Intensity

Extreme Energy Drink Products 2005-2010

I managed to kick up our company’s intensity level by 30% over a 5 year period. When I first got to this company, intensity was at an all time low. I was able to fire up the staff with my DARE TO BE INTENSE party, which consisted of encouraging employees to scream the company mission statement and sign a form promising to lay down their lives for the betterment of the company. I would also call employees several times a day to ask them to rank their intensity level on a scale of 1 to 10. After several months of badgering, they all admitted that their intensity levels had risen dramatically. My exit from this company was swift and well documented in the local news.

Rodeo clown

Extreme Rodeo 2003-2005

I decided to follow my life long dream of joining the rodeo as a rodeo clown. I was named to the Rough Rider Team in 2004. A bull speared me in early 2005 ending my career. More detail can be found here: http://www.squidoo.com/rodeoclownlife

VP of North American sales

A Fortune 500 company 1994-2002

Increased domestic sales by like 43% for around a $17mm increase in revenue. I was on the company fast track until I was sidelined with a mental breakdown, which senior management called “Unprecedented”

Education College and some grad school

Hobbies Gun enthusiast, so you know I don’t take any crap. I increased my gambling earnings by 20% in 2010, so you know I’m good with money. I also have a pet groundhog. http://www.squidoo.com/groundhogpet so you know I’m EXTREME!

Awards Most Improved Bowler-2007 Mixed Couples League
Coached 2010 T-Ball team to an undefeated season earning a Participation Medal

Referrals Let’s not talk about the past. DO NOT CONTACT MY PREVIOUS EMPLOYERS!

Only contact me through my twitter account, @guybellefonte

Dear You Tube:

2011-01-04T19:01:00.003-05:00

I'm working on a project and I am in dire need of some specific video clips. I searched your "website" extensively, but I cannot seem to locate any of these videos. Please forward this blog post to your senior management so we can track down these clips:

Video of Kirk Cameron (Growing Pains) at a carnival, clearly annoyed at autograph seekers screaming, "Leave me the hell alone, this is Kirk's time!"
Video of a Japanese dwarf senior citizen playfully handling a rattlesnake.
Video of a Grand Canyon mule running out of control and eventually falling off a very high cliff.

Your prompt response is appreciated as I have promised my church group this video montage will be completed by Saturday.

Algorithm Predicts Bowel Movements

2010-12-21T22:25:00.000-05:00

Coming soon to an app store near you...the excretion application. Math students at a private college have successfully tested their latest achievement with 100% accuracy.

Fiber rich customers simply enter in exactly what they eat, when they ate it and BANG! This handy app tells you exactly when you will have a bowel movement.

For busy professionals, bowel movements have always been an unwelcome interruption. The excretion application puts an end to your awkward gurgles in the board room. The app syncs up with your Outlook Calendar so you know exactly when you need to reserve time in the can.

If you're traveling for the holidays, this app is a must have. Never again will you be caught 20,000 feet in the air wrestling with the dilemma of holding it or using a gross bathroom which is sure to stink up the entire plane. With this little miracle, you'll be able to see that you are due for a dootie before getting on the plane, giving you plenty of time to do your business in the terminal restroom. This may be the lesser of two evils, but we would all agree that it's the right play in this situation.

For an extra 50 cents, customers can purchase an additional app which sends a 15 minute reminder to your phone. The reminder is an English woman that says, "pardon the interruption, but it's time to drop a deuce."

1 out of 10 Dentist's Consider Themselves a Contrarian

2010-08-16T18:28:00.004-04:00

Groundhog Day 2010! 5 things you need to know about groundhogs

2010-02-01T08:05:00.004-05:00

Happy Groundhog Day! As America looks to the whistle pig for weather advice, it's hard to not fall in love with this animal. However, I would strongly suggest reading this article before illegally purchasing or trapping one. They are demanding animals and quite honestly belong in the wild. Is there any upside? Absolutely. Similar to a dog, my groundhog will lovingly greet me when I come home, but then he hastily scurries back into the crawl space and starts digging. If I had to do it over again, I would have chosen a cocker spaniel.

1. Hibernation. My groundhog hibernates in my basement all winter long. This may sound like a good thing, but when he wakes up in the spring, it's a different story. Each year, right around March Madness, this little bastard comes climbing up from the basement. Not only is he very hungry, but he's also looking for a new mate. Having to deal with a horny and hungry groundhog in an urban environment is rough to say the least.

2. Digging. These animals absolutely LOVE to dig. I usually have to replace the carpeting in my townhouse twice a year. Last July he dug right through the dry wall and wedged himself in between the walls. I had to call a contractor to help me remove him AND he bit me during the process. I had to get yet another tetanus shot.

3. Veterinarian Care. Not many vets will even agree to see a "pet" groundhog, let alone have experience in dealing with one. I only brought my little guy to the vet once and it was not a pleasant experience. The vet told me I shouldn't try to domesticate a wild animal and she threatened to call animal control.

4. Not good with kids. When I first got my groundhog, I tried to get him comfortable around children. I assume he perceived the children as threats, which is why he started snarling so viciously. Thankfully no one was hurt. For safety measures, I always put him on a leash when we go out and I usually tie a piece of string around his snout so he doesn't snap at anyone.

5. Special dietary needs. The pet stores don't carry groundhog food, so I just feed him table scraps which may be why he weighs about 45 pounds and is very lethargic. His favorite snack is Bugles and I sometimes let him eat taffy and pretend he is trying to talk.