Entering Marriage Life...

The Main 7 Reasons Behind A Broken Marriage

2011-01-19T01:22:00.004+08:00

So will it be at all right to say that most marriages today fail? Or is it the people in a marriage who fail each other? In depth studies of human relationships and psychology has pointed out 7 main reasons behind a broken marriage. They are:

* Lack of communication- It is said that people in love; tend to understand each other’s unspoken words also. If that is considered to be true, then why does lack of communication play guilty in breaking up a marriage? Two people living under the same roof can’t survive without sharing and caring for each other. If either of them turns a deaf ear to the other’s problems and necessities, then that person is left with no other choice to think differently. People living in society, can’t survive alone and if you are unable to communicate with your own life partner who has vowed to share his/her life with you, then no one can save a marriage from falling to pieces.

* Suspicion, jealousy, possessiveness, professional rivalry- This is a very common issue that plays a crucial role in breaking up marriages. Suspicion is a figment of your mind, a disease which has no cure. Once it gets into a relationship, it starts degrading it slowly. It’s an unconscious behavior on the part of an individual which often results out of lack of confidence and insecurity. The only solution lies in them being supportive and open minded.

* Ignorance- One main reason why a marriage breaks up is ignorance. Many people are ignorant of the seriousness of this commitment and prefer to visualize it through rose tinted glasses. Such thoughts are of the immature mind, but marriages made under such misconceptions, rarely survive the hardships of life.

* Uneven social status- It might happen that circumstances lead to a marriage taking place between two families with different status levels. In such cases, adjustment often makes the marriage work out. But where one or both fails to adjust or accept the social change, the relationship tends to fall apart.

* Mental incompatibility- Human psyche is something that needs years of study. For a marriage to be successful, mental compatibility is a necessary. Like minded people tend to click each other better. However, understanding each other plays a crucial role yet again in this.

* Absence of time and bonding- Life becomes beautiful and worth living with its small moments. The moments of togetherness are what two people can share and cherish for a lifetime. But these small moments get lost in the crowd of mundane necessities. The urge to live a better life, the rat race to success leaves very little time for couples to spend time with each other and to bond. Gradually, they become strangers living under the same roof and somewhere the knot loosens.

* Family issues- Adaptability to circumstances and a little bit of compromise are the key ingredients behind a successful marriage. Whether it is a nuclear or a joint family, the bonding is necessary. But in some families, excessive interference of other family members in the matters of a couple leads to tension.

Marriage Separation and Consequences

2010-10-21T22:18:00.003+08:00

Formal or Informal Marriage Separation

A couple can seek legal separation (separate maintenance) by a court or informal separation, which eliminates costly expenses, including attorney and court costs. During time of separation, a couple can either reconcile any differences or may proceed onto the next step seeking a legal divorce. Most states require a couple legally separated by residing in different location at all times, which does not include separate bedrooms in the same house. A couple living apart does not constitute a legal separation. Some countries or states require a prerequisite of a legal separation for period of time, before filing for a legal divorce. Some couples can resolve their difference mutually during a separation by written agreement, which is drafted by a lawyer. However, desertion is different from a separation, which is recognized by courts, when one of the parties leaves without the intention of returning. Contrary, "Constructive desertion" occurs when one of the parties, forces the other person to leave. In such a situation, a court does not penalize a defendant for leaving, for their own protection or that of a child.

A couple may seek a trial separation, which is easily reversible then a legal separation, and hopefully through counseling will resolve problems. Resolving problems during an informal separation, does not involve the costly expense for hiring attorneys. Hopefully mutual equitable solutions can be ascertained, regarding working arrangements, possession of car, bank accounts, credit cards, child custody or any other personal items or matters. However, property division would require legal advise from an attorney. During this time, a couple can live together, but not necessarily sleep in the same room or bed. A formal separation despite being a costly expense, incurring time and pain, maybe be necessary, when a couple cannot resolve their differences. The process and procedures for obtaining a legal separation is the same for "Dissolution of Marriage," except the couple is still married. A court will govern what will happen during a legal separation, regarding issues of property division, child custody, alimony or spousal support, (If their incomes are substantially different). Typically, a court will have the power to resolve as part of a legal separation, any and all issues, that would be normally be resolved in a divorce. A marital settlement agreement is signed by both parties, and becomes a valid legal contract that is enforceable, if any terms are violated. A marital settlement is recognized in all states. A martial settlement agreement is not a divorce and cannot legally end a marriage. The terms of a separation agreement may be changed through a separate written agreement. Any part of a settlement agreement, regarding parenting and support of children, must be reviewed by a court, which ensures rights of the children adhere to their best interests.

A couple that is legally separated, may either live together or live in separate residences, for any number of reasons, including can't tolerate living together, continue receiving medical insurance by the other's spouse's company, and some religious beliefs prohibit divorce, but allow a legal separation, couple can live apart. Sometimes spouses may wish to remain legally separated, long enough to qualify in order to receive Social Security or military pension benefits, prior to a divorce. Any time during the process for obtaining a legal separation, either party may request the court to convert the proceedings, into dissolution of marriage or divorce. Most jurisdictions require a waiting or "cooling off" period, before a court will issue a divorce judgment. Beware, after a person obtains a final Decree of Legal Separation, they must go back to the court and file Petition For Dissolution of Marriage, if the legal separation wants to be changed to a final divorce.

When a couple seeks a separation, the person moving out, should consider the following: If the couple is living in a rental community, the person moving out, should remove their name off the lease and utility bills ( gas, electricity, phone, cable,

trash, paper, etc.), because you maybe held liable for any unpaid past due payments. Forward your mail to a post office box, close friend, relative or new permanent home address. Make copies of all tax records for the past six years. Beware any past taxes due are still your responsibility. Make a note of all address, phone numbers, account information, pension accounts, bank and credit accounts, insurance policies, and any other financial paperwork, that maybe divided during the separation or legal divorce. Place a freeze on all joint credit accounts, which prevents you from incurring debts, if your spouse fails to make any future payments. List all items in a safety deposit (preferable take pictures), which maybe divided later and take any personal items. Pack up all personal belongs, including: Clothing, medicine, family heirlooms, mementos, and any items you personal purchased yourself or received as a personal gift.

Certain states have their own laws regarding legal separation or do not recognize that status. According to Colorado law, parties who have been granted a decree of legal separation do not lose their inheritance rights. The state of Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Mississippi, Pennsylvania, and Texas do not accept or can't file for a legal separation. However, in the state of Florida, child support and alimony must be paid during a separation. In the state of New York, one year after filing of the Court's judgment of separation, either spouse may sue for "no-fault" divorce, based upon one year of living apart.

Couples should review their insurance coverage, regarding when coverage may be terminated, in the event of a legal separation.

Two Step Process in Marriage Separation

2010-06-23T21:00:00.004+08:00

Perhaps the most difficult part of a divorce is the initial separation. This is because there is usually great emotional pain associated with the breakdown of a marriage. Marital Separation is a TWO STEP PROCESS: -

1. The decision to separate; and
2. The actual physical separation itself.

Neither step is easy, especially if the desire to separate is not a mutual one.

Even if both parties know that the marriage has been rocky for some time, one party announcing to the other that he or she wants a divorce, can still be quite devastating. It means that in spite of the promises made to each other when they first got married, this person is effectively saying that they don't love or want the other person anymore.

Rejection is seldom pleasant, depending on how you react to it. It certainly disturbs a person's emotional well being and can be extremely damaging and debilitating if you let it.

Where the decision to separate is yours, you are likely to be more prepared psychologically for the news than your partner. These days, lots of women are "choosing" to separate and divorce rather than tolerate a rocky marriage. They are no longer happy in the relationship and are not willing to settle for less. These women often have the advantage, over other women, of being financially independent of the other spouse.

Even where the decision to separate does come from you, it will probably be as a result of a lot of soul-searching, heartache and agony. Such important decisions are seldom made lightly and often come at critical times in a marriage.

Some couples simply grow apart. Others were not well suited to begin with. It may be that the relationship has merely reached its "use-by date". We should not beat ourselves over the head or necessarily feel guilty. It is a pretty big order to expect two young people, in love, to make a decision to separate.

We should not beat ourselves over the head or necessarily feel guilty. It is a pretty big order to make a pledge to one another for life when they so often lack, because of their young years, the life experience to be fully informed of what is involved to really make a marriage work, for life. It should also be remembered that there are only two people in the world who truly understand the sexes unfortunately, nobody knows who they are!!

The Wicker Husband

2009-11-25T18:12:00.006+08:00

I found “The Wicker Husband” by Ursula Willis-Jones to be an interesting short story. I found that reading it, you can tell that the other was trying to emphasize what jealously can do to people and how it is probably the ugliest personality trait one can have. At first all of the people in the city would be disgusted by the ugly girl, but once she got a wonderful husband, everyone viewed her differently. That is very superficial. They never wanted to get to know the ugly girl. All they ever did was try to ruin her relationship with her wicker husband, because the wives were jealous she got him and the husbands were mad because he was such a caring and loving husband to the ugly lady. The author used many repetitive lines throughout the story. This helped emphasize how much of a problem the wicker husband caused for the other families, but I found it to be rather annoying. I hate reading basically the same thing over and over. The author went into great detail about the appearances of some of the characters which was good because I could basically picture them in my mind, which helps me to understand everything that is going on. While reading the short story, I felt almost guilty because people in real life act the way that the townspeople do sometimes. As wrong as it is, people always judge others to an extent from their external appearances without giving them a chance to show their true colors on their insides.

The Wicker Husband
By: Ursula Wills-Jones

Once upon a time, there was an ugly girl. She was short and dumpy, had one leg a bit shorter than the other, and her eyebrows met in the middle. The ugly girl gutted fish for a living, so her hands smelt funny and her dress was covered in scales. She had no mother or brother, no father, sister, or any friends. She lived in a ramshackle house on the outskirts of the village, and she never complained.
One by one, the village girls married the local lads, and up the path to the church they'd prance, smiling all the way. At the weddings, the ugly girl always stood at the back of the church, smelling slightly of brine. The village women gossiped about the ugly girl. They wondered what she did with the money she earnt. The ugly girl never bought a new frock, never made repairs to the house, and never drank in the village tavern.
Now, it so happened that outside the village, in a great damp swamp, lived an old basket-maker who was famed for the quality of his work. One day the old basket-maker heard a knock on his door. When he opened it, the ugly girl stood there. In her hand, she held six gold coins.
'I want you to make me a husband,' she said.
'Come back in a month,' he replied.
Well, the old basket-maker was greatly moved that the ugly girl had entrusted him with such an important task. He resolved to make her the best husband he could. He made the wicker husband broad of shoulder and long of leg, and all the other things women like. He made him strong of arm and elegant of neck, and his brows were wide and well-spaced. His hair was a fine dark brown, his eyes a greenish hazel.
When the day came, the ugly girl knocked on the basket-maker's door.
'He says today is too soon. He will be in the church tomorrow, at ten,' said the basket-maker. The ugly girl went away, and spent the day scraping scales from her dress.

< 2 >

Later that night, there was a knock on the door of the village tailor. When the tailor opened it, the wicker husband stood outside.
'Lend me a suit,' he said. 'I am getting married in the morning, and I cannot go to church naked.'
'Aaaaaaargh!' yelled the tailor, and ran out the back door.
The tailor's wife came out, wiping her hands. 'What's going on?' she said.
'Lend me a suit,' said the wicker husband. 'I am getting married tomorrow, and I cannot go to my wedding naked.'
The tailor's wife gave him a suit, and slammed the door in his face.
Next, there was a knock on the door of the village shoe-maker. When the shoe-maker opened it, the wicker husband stood there.
'Lend me some shoes,' he said. 'I am getting married in the morning, and I cannot go to church barefoot.'
'Aaaaaaargh!' yelled the shoe-maker, and he ran out the back door.
The shoe-maker's wife came out, her hands trembling.
'What do you want?' she said.
'Lend me some shoes,' said the wicker husband. 'I am getting married in the morning, and I cannot go to my wedding barefoot.'
The shoe-maker's wife gave him a pair of shoes, and slammed the door in his face. Next, the wicker husband went to the village inn.
'Give me a drink,' said the wicker husband. 'I am getting married tomorrow, and I wish to celebrate.'
'Aaaaaaargh!' yelled the inn-keeper and all his customers, and out they ran. The poor wicker husband went behind the bar, and poured himself a drink.
When the ugly girl got to church in the morning, she was mighty pleased to find her husband so handsome, and so well turned-out.

When the couple had enjoyed their first night of marriage, the wicker husband said to his wife: 'This bed is broken. Bring me a chisel: I will fix it.'

< 3 >

So like a good husband, he began to fix the bed. The ugly girl went out to gut fish. When she came back at the end of the day, the wicker husband looked at her, and said: 'I was made to be with you.'
When the couple had enjoyed their second night of marriage, the wicker husband said: 'This roof is leaky. Bring me a ladder: I will fix it.'
So, like a good husband, he climbed up and began to fix the thatch. The ugly girl went out to gut fish. When she returned in the evening, the wicker husband looked at his wife, and said: 'Without you, I should never have seen the sun on the water, or the clouds in the sky.'
When the couple had enjoyed their third night of marriage, the ugly girl got ready to out. 'The chimney needs cleaning,' she said, hopefully, 'And the fire could be laid...' But at this, the wicker husband ñ she was just beginning to learn his expressions ñ looked completely terrified. From this, the ugly girl came to understand that there are some things you cannot ask a man to do, even if he is very kind.
Over the weeks, the villagers began to notice a change in the ugly girl. If one of her legs was still shorter than the other, her hips moved with a swing that didn't please them. If she still smelt funny, she sang while she gutted the fish. She bought a new frock and wore flowers in her hair. Even her eyebrows no longer met in the middle: the wicker husband had pulled them out with his strong, withied fingers. When the villagers passed the ugly girl's house, they saw it had been painted anew, the windows sparkled, and the door no longer hung askew. You might think that all these changes pleased the villagers, but oh no. Instead, wives pointed out to husbands that their doors needed fixing, and why didn't they offer? The men retorted that maybe if their wives made an effort with new frocks and flowers in their hair, then maybe they'd feel like fixing the house, and everybody grumbled and cursed each other, but secretly, in their hearts, they blamed the ugly girl and her husband.

< 4 >

As to the ugly girl, she didn't notice all the jealousy. She was too busy growing accustomed to married life, and was finding that the advantages of a wicker husband outweighed his few shortcomings. The wicker husband didn't eat, and never complained that his dinner was late. He only drank water, the muddier the better. She was a little sad that she could not cook him dinner like an ordinary man, and watch him while he ate. In the cold nights, she hoped they would sit together close to the fire, but he preferred the darkness, far from the flames. The ugly girl got in the habit of calling across the room all the things she had to say to him. As winter turned to spring, and rain pelted down, the wicker husband became a little mouldy, and the ugly girl had to scrub him down with a brush and a bottle of vinegar. Spring turned to summer, and June was very dry. The wicker husband complained of stiffness in his joints, and spent the hottest hour of the day lying in the stream. The ugly girl took her fish-gutting, and sat on the bank, keeping him company.
Eventually the villagers were too ridden with curiosity to stand it any longer. There was a wedding in the village: the ugly girl and her husband were invited. At the wedding, there was music and dancing, and food and wine. As the musicians struck up, the wicker husband and the ugly girl went to dance. The villagers could not help staring: the wicker husband moved so fine. He lifted his dumpy wife like she was nought but a feather, and swung her round and round. He swayed and shimmered; he was elegant, he was graceful. As for the ugly girl: she was in heaven.
The women began to whisper behind their hands. Now, the blacksmith's wife was boldest, and she resolved to ask the wicker husband to dance. When the music paused she went towards the couple. The ugly girl was sitting in the wicker husband's lap, so he creaked a little. The blacksmith's wife was about to tap the wicker husband on the shoulder, but his arms were wrapped round the ugly girl.

< 5 >

'You are the only reason that I live and breathe,' the wicker husband said to his wife.
The blacksmith's wife heard what he said, and went off, sulking. The next day there were many frayed tempers in the village.
'You've got two left feet!' shouted the shoe-maker's wife at her husband.
'You never tell me anything nice!' yelled the blacksmith's wife.
'All you do is look at other women!' shouted the baker's wife, though how she knew was a mystery, as she'd done nothing but stare at the wicker husband all night. The husbands fled their homes and congregated in the tavern.
'T'aint right,' they muttered, 'T'isn't natural.'
'E's showing us up.'
'Painting doors.'
'Fixing thatch.'
'Murmuring sweet nothings.'
'Dancing!' muttered the blacksmith, and they all spat.
'He's not really a man,' muttered the baker. 'An abomination!'
'He don't eat.'
'He don't grumble.'
'He don't even fart,' added the tailor, gloomily.
The men shook their heads, and agreed that it couldn't go on.
Meanwhile the women congregated in each other's kitchens.
'It's not right,' they muttered. 'Why does she deserve him?'
'It's an enchantment,' they whispered. 'She bewitched him.'
'She'll be onto our husbands next, I expect,' said the baker's wife. 'We should be careful.'
'She needs to be brought down a peg or two.'
'Fancies that she's better than the rest of us, I reckon.'
'Flowers in her hair!!'
'Did you see her dancing?'
And they all agreed that it couldn't go on.
One day the wicker husband was on his way back from checking the fish-traps, when he was accosted by the baker.

< 6 >

'Hello,' said the baker. The wicker husband was a little surprised: the baker never bothered to speak to him. 'You made an impression the other night.'
'I did?' said the wicker husband.
'Oh yes,' continued the baker. 'The women are all aflutter. Don't you ever think ñ well...'
'What?' said the wicker husband, completely confused.
'Man like you,' said the baker. 'Could do well for himself. A lot of opportunities...' He leaned forward, so the wicker husband recoiled. The baker's breath smelt of dough, which he found unpleasant. 'Butcher's wife,' added the baker meaningfully. 'Very taken. I know for a fact that he's not at home. Gone to visit his brother in the city. Why don't you go round?'
'I can't,' said the wicker husband. 'My wife's waiting for me at home.' And he strode off, up the lane. The baker went home, annoyed.
Now the wicker husband, who was too trusting, thought less of this of this than he should, and did not warn his wife that trouble was brewing. About a week later, the ugly girl was picking berries in the hedgerow, when the tailor's wife sidled up. Her own basket was empty, which made the ugly girl suspicious.
'My dear!' cried the tailor's wife, fluttering her hands.
'What d'you want?' said the ugly girl.
The tailor's wife wiped away a fake tear, and looked in both directions. 'My dear,' she whispered. 'I'm only here to warn you. Your husband ñ he's been seen with other women.'
'What other women?' said the ugly girl.
The tailor's wife fluttered her hands. This wasn't going as she intended. 'My dear, you can't trust men. They're all the same. And you can't expect ñ a man like him, and a woman like you ñ frankly ñ'
The ugly girl was so angry that she hit the tailor's wife with her basket, and ran off, up the lane. The ugly girl went home, and ñ knowing more of cruelty than her husband did ñ thought on this too much and too long. But she did not want to upset her husband, so she said nothing.

< 7 >

The tailor's wife came home fuming, with scratches all over her face. That night, the wives and husbands of the village all agreed ñ for once ñ that something drastic had to be done.

A few days later the old basket-maker heard a knocking at his door. When he opened it, the villagers stood outside. Right on cue, the tailor's wife began to weep, pitifully.
'What's the matter?' said the old basket-maker.
'She's childless,' said the baker's wife, sniffing.
'Not a son,' said the tailor, sadly.
'Or a daughter.'
'No-one to comfort them in their old age,' added the butcher.
'It's breaking their hearts,' went on the baker.
'So we've come to ask ñ'
'If you'll make us a baby. Out of wicker.'
And they held out a bag of gold.
'Very well,' said the old basket-maker. 'Come back in a month.'
Well, one dusky day in autumn, the ugly girl was sitting by the fire, when there came a knock at the door. The wicker husband opened it. Outside, stood the villagers. The tailor's wife bore a bundle in her arms, and the bundle began to whimper.
'What's that?' said the ugly girl.
'This is all your fault,' hissed the butcher, pointing at the wicker husband.
'Look what you've done!' shouted the baker.
'It's an abomination,' sneered the inn-keeper. 'Not even human!'
The tailor pulled away the blanket. The ugly girl saw that the baby was made of wicker. It had the same shaped nose, the same green eyes that her husband did.
'Tell me it's not true!' she cried.
But the wicker husband said nothing. He just stared at the baby. He had never seen one of his own kind before, and now ñ his heart filled up with tenderness. When the ugly girl saw this on his face, a great cloud of bitterness came upon her. She sank to the floor, moaning.

< 8 >

'Filthy, foul, creature!' cried the tailor. 'I should burn it!' He seized the baby, and made to fling it into the blaze. At this, the wicker husband let out a yell. Forward he leapt.
The ugly girl let out a terrible cry. She took the lamp, and flung it straight at her husband. The lamp burst in shards of glass. Oil went everywhere. Flames began to lick at the wicker husband's chest, up his neck, into his face. He tried to beat at the flames, but his fingers grew oily, and burst into fire. Out he ran, shrieking, and plunged into the river.
'Well, that worked well,' said the butcher, in a satisfied manner.
The villagers did not spare a second glance for the ugly girl, but went home again to their dinners. On the way, the tailor's wife threw the wicker baby in the ditch. She stamped on its face. 'Ugh,' she said. 'Horrible thing.'
The next day the ugly girl wandered the highways, weeping, her face smeared in ashes.
'Have you seen my husband?' she asked passing travellers, but they saw madness in her eyes, and spurred their horses on. Dusk fell. Stumbling home, scarce knowing where she was, the ugly girl heard a sound in the ditch. Kneeling, she found the wicker baby. It wailed and thrashed, and held up its hands. The ugly girl saw in its face her husband's eyes, and her husband's nose. She coddled it to her chest and took it home.
Now, the old basket maker knew nothing of all this. One day, the old man took it into his head to see how his creations were faring. He walked into town, and knocked on the tailor's door. The wife answered.
'How is the baby?' he said.
'Oh that,' she said. 'It died.' And she shut the door in his face. The old basket-maker walked on, till he came to the ugly girl's place. The door was closed, the garden untended, and dirt smeared the windows. The old basket-maker knocked on the door. No-one answered, though he waited a very long time.

< 9 >

The old-basket maker went home, disheartened. He was walking the long dark road into the swamp, when he heard something in the rushes. At first he was afraid: he wrapped his scarf closer round his face. But the thing seemed to follow him. From time to time, it groaned.
'Who's there?' called the old man.
Out onto the roadway staggered the most broken and bedraggled, the most pathetic and pitiful thing. The old basket-maker stared at what was left of the wicker husband: his hands consumed by fire, his face equally gone. Dark pits of scorched wood marred his chest. Where he had burnt, he had started to rot.
'What have they done to my children?' cried the old basket-maker.
The wicker husband said nothing: he had lost his tongue.
The old basket-maker took the wicker husband home. As daylight came, the old basket-maker sat down to repair him. But as he worked, his heart grew hot with anger.
'I made you, but I failed you,' he said. 'I will not send you there again.'
Eventually, the wicker husband looked as good as new, though the smell of burning still clung. But as the days passed, a damp black mould began to grow on him. The old basket-maker pulled out the rotting withies and replaced them. But it seemed useless: the wicker husband rotted from the inside, outwards.
At last, the old basket-maker saw there was nothing else to be done. He took up his travelling cloak, set out at night, and passed through the village. He came to the ugly girl's house. In the garden, wreathed in filth, stood the ugly girl, cuddling a child. She was singing the saddest lullaby he had ever heard. The old basket-maker saw that the child was the one he'd made, and his heart softened a little. He stepped out of the shadows.
'Why do you keep the baby,' he said, 'when you cast your husband from home?'
The ugly girl cried out, to hear someone speak to her.

< 10 >

'It is all I have left of my husband,' she said at last. 'Though it is proof he betrayed me, I could not leave it in the ditch to die.'
'You are a fool,' he said. 'It was I that made the child. Your husband is innocent.'
At this, the ugly girl let out a cry, and ran towards the river. But old basket-maker caught her arm. 'Wait - I have something to show you,' he said.
The ugly girl walked behind him, through the swamp where the water sucked and burbled, carrying the baby. As the sun rose, she saw that its features were only those of the old basket-maker, who, like any maker, had passed down his face to his creations.
When they came to the dwelling, the ugly girl opened the door, and saw her husband, sitting in darkness.
'It cannot be you,' she said. 'You are dead. I know: I killed you myself.'
'I was made for you alone,' said the wicker husband, 'But you threw me away.'
The ugly girl let out a cry so loud, birds surfaced from the marches for miles around, and threw herself at her husband's feet.

A few days later, the villagers were surprised to see the old basket-maker standing outside the church.
'I have something to say,' he said. 'Soon I will retire. But first, I am making my masterwork - a woman made of wicker. If you want her, you can have her. But you must bring me a gift for my retirement. Whoever brings me the best gift can have the wicker woman.'
Then he turned round and went back to the swamp.
Behind him, the villagers began to whisper. Hadn't the wicker husband been tall and graceful? Hadn't he been a hard worker? Hadn't he been handsome, and eager to please his wife?
Next day, the entire village denied any interest in the wicker lady, but secretly began to plan. Men eyed up prize cows; women sneaked open jewellery boxes.

< 11 >

'That wicker husband worked like a slave, and never even ate,' said the shoe-maker's wife to her husband. 'Get me the wicker woman as a servant, I'll live like a lady, never lift a finger.'
'That wicker husband never quarrelled with anyone, never even raised his voice. Not like you, you old fishwife,' the inn-keeper said to his wife.
'That wicker husband never tired, and never had a headache,' said the butcher to the baker. 'Imagine...!'
'Lend me a shilling, cousin,' said the shoe-maker's wife. 'I need a new petticoat.'
'I can't,' lied the blacksmith's wife. 'I spent it on medicine. The child was very sick.'
'I need that back-rent you owe me,' said the butcher, who owned the tailor's house.
'Been a very bad season in the tailoring trade,' muttered the tailor. 'You'll get it soon.'
The butcher went into town, hired a lawyer, and got the tailor evicted from his house. The tailor and his wife had to go and live in the shoe-maker's shed.
'But what are you going to do with the empty house?' asked the butcher's wife.
'Nothing,' said the butcher, who thought the place would do admirably to keep a mistress. The butcher's wife and the tailor's wife had a fight in the market, and went home with black eyes. In the tavern, no-one spoke, but only eyed each other, suspiciously. The lawyer was still in town. Rumour had it that the tailor's wife was suing for divorce: the inn-keeper's wife had her husband arrested after she found the stairs had been greased. In short, the fields went uncut, the cows went unmilked, ovens uncleaned: the village was obsessed.
When the day came, the old basket-maker came to town, and sat on the churchyard wall. The villagers brought their gifts. First the tailor, who'd made a luxurious coat. Next the miller, bringing twelve sacks of grain. The baker made the most extravagant cake; the carpenter brought a table and chairs, the carter a good strong horse. The blacksmith's wife staggered up with a cheese the size of a millwheel. Her cousin, the tailor's wife, arrived with a bag of gold.

< 12 >

'Where d'you get that, wife?' said her husband, amazed.
'Never you mind,' she snapped.
The inn-keeper's wife wasn't there: she'd slipped while climbing the stairs.
Last to come was the butcher. He'd really outdone the others: two oxen, four cows, and a dozen sheep.
The old-basket maker looked around him. 'Well,' he said. 'I think the prize goes to... the butcher. I'll just take these and be back, with the wicker lady.'
The butcher was so pleased, spittle ran from his mouth.
'Can I have my grain back?' said the miller.
'No no,' said the old man. 'That wasn't the bargain.' And he began to load all the goods onto the horse. The villagers would have fallen on each other, fighting, but they were so desperate to see the wicker lady, they just stood there, to wait.
It was dusk by the time the basket-maker returned. The wicker woman was seated on the horse, shrouded in a cloak, veiled like a bride. From under the cloak, white flowers fell. As she passed the villagers, a most marvellous smell drifted down.
The butcher stood outside the tailor's old house. He'd locked his wife in the coal cellar in preparation.
The old basket-maker held out a hand, and helped the lady dismount. The butcher smelt her fragrance. From under the veil, he thought he saw her give him a saucy glance. He was so excited, he hopped from foot to foot.
The wicker lady lifted her veil: she took off her cloak. The butcher stared at her. The wicker lady was short of stature and twisted of limb, her face was dark and rough. But worse than that ñ from head to foot, she was covered in thorns.
'What have you done?' shrieked the butcher.
'Ah,' said the old basket-maker. 'The wicker husband was made of willow. Willow is the kindest of trees: tall, elegant, pliable, of much assistance in easing pain. But I saw that you did not like him. Therefore I made you the wicker lady from blackthorn. Blackthorn is cold, hard, and thorny - it will not be killed, either by fire or frost.'

< 13 >

The villagers would have fallen on the old basket-maker there and then, had not the wicker lady stepped forward. She seized hold of the butcher and reached up to kiss him. The butcher let out a howl. When he pulled his lips away, they were shredded and tattered: blood ran down his chin. Then, with a bang, the butcher's wife broke out of the coal cellar, and ran down the road. Seeing the wicker lady kissing her husband, she screamed, and fell on her. The two of them rolled in the gutter, howling and scratching.
Just then, the lawyer piped up. 'Didn't you check the details first?' he said. 'It's very important. You should always check the small print.'
The men of the village took their butcher's knives and pitchforks and tailoring shears, and chased the lawyer out of town. When they'd run out of breath, they stopped.
'That old fraud the basket-maker,' said the baker. 'He tricked us.'
So they turned round and began to go back in the other direction, on the road into the swamp. In the darkness they stumbled and squelched, lost their way and nearly drowned. It was light by the time they came to the old basket-maker's dwelling, but the old basket-maker, the wicker husband, the ugly girl and the baby, as well as all the villagers' goods, had already upped, and gone.
top

Can Your Marriage Survive a Crisis?

2009-11-24T18:45:00.002+08:00

Crisis Can Strengthen or Rupture a Marriage

The true test of a marriage's strength comes through crisis: death, illness, unemployment or other personal disasters. During these difficult times a couple either learns to lean on each other, or they simply isolate and the fabric of the relationship comes unravelled. Why?

Many people were never adequately prepared to deal with adversity. When faced with a spouses disability, or the illness or loss of a child, they simply refuse to deal with reality and abandon the situation. Others play the blame game. If only you had, if you listened, and on and on, they
unload their grief and anger on each other.

How does a couple avoid the pitfalls inherent in such situations? First, avoid the temptation to cast blame. It is too easy when emotions are running high to lash out in anger. Try and recognize and validate your partner's feelings. Let each other know how much you need each other. Put off any sort of intensive talks until the situation has calmed down.

Don't isolate from your partner. Let each other know what you are feeling and why. There is no shame in expressing grief and hurt. Men are particularly good at trying to keep a stiff upper lip, and internalizing their emotions. They often need the reassurance that we don't think any less of them for crying or showing grief. This can be a very moving and profound moment in your marriage. Very often, a man, once he's been given permission to express his deepest feelings, will find himself much more open and loving in all other areas of his relationship with his wife.

If sudden unemployment is the issue, sit down and calmly discuss options and plans to weather the financial loss. Complaining about it or casting aspersions on your partner's abilities as a wage earner is cruel and counterproductive. Reassure him/her that something positive will come of
this, and you both will work through this together.

The marriage vows state for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. If your loved one is diagnosed with a chronic illness, it will place great stress on the marriage. Enormous sensitivity is called for in dealing with this issue

Use crisis situations to deepen and intensify the love you have for each other. Instead of avoiding or fighting the situation, go through it step by step, side by side. Your marriage will deepen and build layers of rich complexity as a result.

Self Analysis: Have you ever faced a truly difficult situation together? How did the both of you handle it?

Unhappy Marriage? Divorce may not be the solution for an unhappy marriage!

2009-11-22T12:24:00.001+08:00

Most people think that they are in an unhappy marriage because they are simply not compatible anymore. They think that their differences cannot be resolved. A lot of the times, it is not an issue of incompatibility, it is simply because they do not have the resources to find a solution to their unhappy marriage. The word "incompatibility" is a nominalization (a process noun), and such words create the impression that nothing can be done about the incompatibility and hence, their unhappy marriage. A more empowering question to ask would be "How can we be more compatible with each other?"

If you are thinking unhappy marriage, it could be because you are stuck in a rut of thinking about the "unhappy marriage" problem and how to fix it. That is called problem thinking which revolves around what wrong or needs to be fixed rather than what is sought after. A more empowering alternative would be outcome thinking which provides focus for what you want to achieve, the ensuing effects and the resources required to achieve it.

Here are some questions that you can ask so the you can find the resources to overcome an unhappy marriage and achieve the marriage that you've always dreamed of.

Questions to ask yourself if you are in an unhappy marriage:

Unhappy marriage solution Q1

Is it worth saving my marriage?

Most people think that divorcing is an inevitable solution for an unhappy marriage. At the end of the day, the question of whether it is worth saving your marriage is one that only you can answer. Usually, we all have parts in us that want contradicting outcomes. Does one part want a divorce and another still loves your spouse? That is natural - realize that both parts are serving a positive intention of making sure that you are happy. If you have even a tiny part in you that still loves your spouse then read on.

Unhappy marriage solution Q2:

What do you want instead?

Usually in an unhappy marriage, there might be a perceived incompatibility in the following areas: physical, mental, spiritual and emotional.

Emotional Compatibility – Ability to empathize with a partner’s emotion. Level of caring, love and nurturing shown towards each other.

Intellectual compatibility – Enjoying similar interests. Enjoying similar types of discussion.

Physical compatibility – Frequency and quality of sex. Tuning into each other's sexual rhythms.

Spiritual compatibility – Seeing “eye to eye” and sharing spiritual values. It does not mean belonging to the same religion.

Overall energetic compatibility - Indicates the harmonization of the masculine and feminine energy between the couple.

So the question to ask here is, how specifically do you want to be physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually compatible?

Be detailed in your description. Do not censor what you write. Begin with the sentence "If I can have anything I want ...."

Unhappy marriage solution Q3:

What are the resources needed to get what you want?

The marriage problem solving steps can help you overcome an unhappy marriage or rather, manifest the kind of marriage that you have always wanted.

Energy follows thought. If you focus your thoughts on "unhappy marriage", then that is where more and more of your energy goes. You end up getting more and more of what you do not want ie, "unhappy marriage". Hopefully the questions have set you thinking in a different direction from what you have been used to.

FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE

2009-10-11T01:19:00.002+08:00

If you want to be completely healed from all the bitterness and pain of your husband’s betrayal, and if want your marriage to survive, you will have to forgive him.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you try to short circuit the natural process of grieving, or deny that you’ve been hurt. To come to the place of forgiveness you must first admit you’ve been hurt – deeply.

Forgiveness will cost you everything, and cost your husband nothing. It means you will never hold what he did against him again; his debt, which he can never repay, will be completely erased.

Forgiving your husband for his sin against you may be the most Christ-like thing you ever do, and it will identify you with Christ like nothing else can. Jesus was killed by the people He loved, so the people He loved could be close to Him. You’ve been betrayed by the man you love, and the only way you can ever remove every barrier between you and your husband is to forgive him as Christ forgives.

If you withhold forgiveness, you’ll keep yourself trapped in bitterness and pain. Your bitterness will continue to be a wall between you and your husband that will keep your marriage stuck in resentment, misfired communication, and hurt feelings.

Forgiveness doesn’t give him the permission to abuse your grace and indulge in sexual sin. It doesn’t mean you stop holding him accountable for his actions, or that he no longer needs to go all out in the battle against lust.

Forgiveness is a choice, a powerful act of the will; it’s not something you will feel like doing. It’s giving up of all of your anger and releasing your husband from all expectation to grovel, or make it right. (Which, he can’t.)

When you forgive him, you allow God’s grace to flow freely through your heart, flush out all of your pain and anger, and fill you with His peace. You tear down a wall that was between you and God, and you and your husband. Your forgiveness allows God’s grace to flow to your husband and lift his shame and guilt. It is only after you forgive when you will find peace again.

If you’re struggling with providing forgiveness, Jesus can give you the power to let it go, if you’re willing.

Emotional Infidelity: Top 10 Signs of Emotional Infidelity

2009-09-30T18:05:00.004+08:00

Emotional infidelity is the new fad on the internet and is appropriately titled cyber cheating.Many homes have one to two computers making it easy to carry on an emotional affair without the partner ever knowing. It's convenient, cheap and fun! A person can learn a lot about an internet stranger by communicating through a few emails, texts or chats, all without the embarrassment of meeting in person.

The sharing of personal information with strangers online is commonplace on the internet. Personal details are shared on chat boards, personal websites, blogs, message boards and porn sites. Emotional infidelity is an infidelity that occurs through emotions, feelings or thoughts, rather than physical in nature. With the increase in technology through the internet and cell phones, the traditional term of infidelity has become broader to include thoughts and/or feelings. Emotional infidelity can include anything from texting someone intimately via cell phone to emailing intimate correspondence, exchanging personal photos or viewing pornography.

According to an on-going poll of over 1,000 women conducted by http://www.WomanSavers.com, about 51 percent of women believed that viewing porn was emotional cheating. In a similar WomanSaverï¿½s poll, 63 percent of all women felt that online affairs constituted infidelity. The main difference between physical infidelity and emotional infidelity is physical contact. Physical infidelity involves people meeting directly and then engaging in physical intimacy. Emotional infidelity can occur in distant locations with absolutely no physical contact occurring. The primary difference between traditional cheating and emotional infidelity is actual, physical contact. With emotional infidelity, there may be a meeting, but it can occur on a cell phone or a computer. Some people who emotionally cheat donï¿½t consider the act to be a true form of infidelity because there is no physical contact. Others see no difference between physical and emotional infidelity because emotional infidelity has the same basic behavioral actions as traditional infidelity.

When actor Brad Pitt became emotionally involved with Angelina Jolie on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith,it was only a matter of time before their emotional infidelity led to physical infidelity, resulting in a divorce between he and Jennifer Anniston. When a person cheats, they flirt and seduce another regardless of whether they are in physical contact or not. The problem results when the partner pays emotional or physical attention to someone other than their mate.

In another poll conducted by http://www.WomanSavers.com, over 70 percent of all women felt that emotional affairs could lead to physical affairs. An emotional affair can begin quite innocently and as time passes the information two people exchange becomes more intimate. As the trust factor increases, so does the curiosity, which many times ends up in a physical meeting.

When a person is not getting their emotional needs met in a relationship, they seek it from someone who will give it to them. All people want to be loved, acknowledged, validated and needed. Humans want to be desired. If those needs aren't getting met through their partner, they go online and find someone who meets their needs and begin cyber cheating. There are plenty of strangers online who will fulfill those needs, especially if deceit is involved. Many people lie to the online strangers in order to get the attention they think they deserve. The person may tell the stranger how mean and distant their partner is so the stranger feels pity for them. Many married people tell online strangers they are separated or divorcing when this is far from the truth.

With the ease of meeting new people through the internet and through various communication devices, the number of people engaged in emotional infidelity and cyber cheating will increase. However, it is important for the parties engaging in the communications to consider the consequences and pain these acts may have on their partner. A good way to determine what is and what is not acceptable is to ask yourself if you would be okay with your partner engaging in the same type of behavior with another. If the answer is no, then you should definitely back off because emotional infidelity can hurt just as deeply as physical unfaithfulness.

The following behavioral signs are the top 10 signs of emotional infidelity. If any of these ring a bell in regards to your relationship, perhaps you are not as close to your partner as you should be.

1. You have little or no sex. Partner is always too busy or tired.
2. You have petty arguments.
3. You feel like you don't have anything in common any more.
4. One of you is no longer attracted to the other.
5. Partner spends unusually long periods of time on cell phone or computer.
6. Partner suddenly becomes hypercritical about your appearance.
7. Partner becomes secretive or defensive when questioned about their behavior.
8. Partner loses interest in relationship or family activities.
9. Partner stays on computer very late at night after you have retired.
10. Partner secures their computer in a locked area or with passwords you don't have access to.

If your relationship shows any of the above signs, it may be time to communicate with your partner to try to reconnect. If you dont, this supposed casual friendship can quickly turn from cyber cheating into something more.

Talk to your partner and tell them what you need and want. Don't be afraid to express your true feelings, including your insecurities and concerns. A loving mate will be understanding of your feelings and work through it with you. Tell your partner that you miss them and you need their devotion and attention. This will help reopen the communication channels.

Written by Stephany Alexander, http://www.womansavers.com ©

Unhappy Marriage Reflects Spouse's Depression

2009-06-12T14:48:00.003+08:00

One Spouse's Mental Health Problems Can Cause Unhappy Marriage for Both

When one spouse suffers from depression, both will have an unhappy marriage, new research shows.

There is a growing body of research indicating that mental health and unhappy marriages are closely entwined, writes lead researcher Mark A. Whisman, PhD, with the University of Colorado at Boulder. His paper appears in the October issue of the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.

Being in a relationship with someone with mental health problems may lower the satisfaction for the partner, he writes. The burden of living with someone who has mental health problems takes a toll.

However, few researchers have investigated the effects of both partners' mental health on the relationship

Depression, Unhappy Marriage Linked
For their study, Whisman and his colleagues recruited 774 married couples from seven states. Each partner was tested for depression, anxiety, and whether they had a happy or unhappy marriage.

Researchers found that each spouse's level of anxiety and depression predicted an unhappy marriage for the depressed spouse and the other spouse as well.

The more anxious and/or depressed either spouse was, the more dissatisfied he or she was with the marriage. Depression -- more than anxiety -- affected whether a person considered themselves to be in a happy or unhappy marriage. The researchers found that there were no differences between the sexes in the magnitude of the effects.

A spouse's level of depression also predicted martial satisfaction, and other studies have shown a similar pattern.

There's a possible flaw in this study: If a spouse was depressed when completing questionnaires about his or her unhappy marriage, it might have affected how he or she responded.

Top 7 Ways an Unhappy Marriage Can Ruin Your Health

2009-06-12T14:21:00.003+08:00

Just as a happy marriage can keep you healthy, an unhappy, stressful relationship can shorten your life. Here are some of the ways that discord in a marriage can make you ill.

1. Changes in Systems
Unhappy married folks, especially women, experience changes in their endocrine and immune systems.

2. Hormones
You may have elevated levels of epinephrine and cortisol hormones.

3. Blood Pressure
Stressed individuals often show increases in blood pressure readings.

4. Pain
Folks in unhappy relationships could have a greater experience of pain.

5. Gum Disease
People are prone to more gum disease and cavities when facing marital problems.

6. Ulcers
You may suffer from ulcers in the stomach and intestine.

7. Influenza and Common Cold
Lack of harmony in marriage can cause couples to have a higher incidence of influenza and the common cold.

Saving Your Marriage

2009-04-06T02:23:00.004+08:00

You Can Fix Your Broken Marriage!

It can be difficult to try and resurrect a troubled marriage, but there are things you can do to reconnect with your spouse and fan the flames of lost love.

The key to solving most marriage problems is to bring the issues to the forefront and utilize creative strategies to breakdown the barriers of conflict. Once the conflict is resolved you can focus on falling in love with your partner again - this time for good.

Quick Tips for Saving Your Marriage

Accepting the Facts
The first step in climbing out of your marriage problems is to admit that they exist. You must confront the fact that things have changed between you are your spouse while making a resolution to fix them. Hiding from the issues or hoping that they will go away will not solve anything. Accept the situation for what it is and prepare yourself for the challenge that lies ahead.

Identify the Issues
Of course it is hard to solve a problem you can't see, and this is why you have to be able to describe the precise conflicts within your marriage. If you only know that your spouse has changed in the way they communicate with you then you do not have enough information to fix the issue. Find out why these changes have occurred. The best way to do this is to begin conversation and offer plenty of opportunities for them to "open up". Keep you ears open for any subtle hints they may divulge.

Persistence is Vital
There are plenty of obstacles for you to succumb to while trying to fix your relationship. Your spouse may be difficult to communicate with or you might be facing outside pressures from family and work that prevent you from focusing on your goals. Even if these barriers apply to you, the only way you will succeed in your mission is by being persistent. It is easy to give up the first time things don't go your way, but just because one approach fails doesn't mean that something else won't work.

Learn to Reconnect
Saving marriage isn't all about solving problems, it also involves reigniting the passion and love you had for each other in the past. You can try to fan the flames of love by surprising your partner with special surprises or dates. Think of the most romantic times you had together and recreate them with while adding a unique approach. The goal is to grab their attention and simplifying your relationship down to natural attraction. If you can heat up the passion then the other problems will quickly be overlooked.

Seek the Right Advice
No one expects you to know everything about marriage counseling, and with all of the resources available you shouldn't have to. The one thing you should be leery of though is the advice you get from family and friends. It is only polite to listen to what these people have to say, but you should ultimately look for expert advice from books or counseling sessions before making any important decisions. You can save your marriage, but you can also ruin it by following bad advice.

Tips To Prevent Your Marriage From Being Destroyed By Financial Stress

2009-04-06T02:13:00.003+08:00

Couples often marry before discussing the very important subject of finances, which is often at the very forefront of marital problems. When each partner has different views on finances, this can lead to a breakdown of communications, arguments, even separation.

Here are some tips to help prevent your marriage from being destroyed by financial stress:

1.BE OPEN WITH EACH OTHER
2.DISCUSS BANK AND CREDIT CARD ACCOUNTS
3.DECIDE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT
4.ANALYZE EARNINGS AND BUDGETING
5.DO NOT UNDERMINE YOUR PARTNER

Who Has Affairs? Why Do People Have Affairs?

2007-07-30T05:05:00.000+08:00

Who Has Affairs?

We tend to think that only bad people have affairs or only people in bad relationships. But no one is immune from an affair.

Monogamy is something most people say they believe in and want for themselves. Every survey ever done on this question shows a high percentage of people think monogamy is important to marriage and that affairs are wrong.

But a belief in monogamy as an ideal doesn't prevent large numbers of people from having extramarital affairs. Most people don't intend to have an affair and most people don't think it will happen to them�but it does.
Bottom Line: No one is immune from having affairs disrupt their lives or the lives of those they care about; they happen to all kinds of people, in all walks of life.

Why Do People Have Affairs?

The first question most people ask when they learn of their partner's affair is, "Why?" And the answers they come up with are usually based on personal blame. They blame themselves, their partner, their relationship, or the third party. They see it strictly as a personal problem, a personal failure of the people involved. This is a very simple explanation for a very complex question.

Usually there are three different kinds of forces that are working together:

Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs
Forces within the individual that push them toward affairs
Societal factors

Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs:

Attraction: sex, companionship, admiration, power
Novelty
Excitement, risk, or challenge
Curiosity
Enhanced self-image
Falling in love

Forces within the individual that push them toward affairs:

Desire to escape or find relief from a painful relationship
Boredom
Desire to fill gaps in an existing relationship
Desire to punish one's partner
Need to prove one's attractiveness or worth
Desire for attention

Societal factors

Affairs are glamorized in movies, soap operas, romance novels, and TV shows of all kinds. Public disclosure of public figures having affairs is headline news because we are fascinated and titillated by hearing of others' affairs.

People are bombarded with images of women as sex objects in advertising and marketing campaigns. Over and over, the message to men is that the good life includes a parade of sexy women in their lives. Women inadvertently buy into this image and strive to achieve it.

The lack of good sex education and the existence of sexual taboos combine to make it difficult for most partners to talk honestly about sex.

As teenagers we get conditioned in deception when it comes to sex�engaging in sexual activity while hiding it from our parents.

The code of secrecy is a major factor in affairs because it provides protection for the person having affairs and leads them to believe they won't get caught.

Bottom Line: There is no ONE single reason a person has an affair. There are usually many reasons, including some of the forces that pull them toward affairs and some of the forces that push them toward affairs, combined with the influence of the general factors in society that contribute to affairs.

Myths and Fact about Extramarital Affairs

2007-07-30T04:58:00.000+08:00

Myth: Affairs happen in unhappy or unloving marriages.

Fact: Affairs can happen in good marriages. Affairs are less about love and more about sliding across boundaries.

Myth: Affairs occur mostly because of sexual attraction.

Fact: The lure of an affair is how the unfaithful partner is mirrored back through the adoring eyes of the new love. Another appeal is that individuals experience new roles and opportunities for growth in new relationships.

Myth: A cheating spouse almost always leaves clues, so a naïve spouse must be burying his or her head in the sand.

Fact: The majority of affairs are never detected. Some individuals can successfully compartmentalize their lives or are such brilliant liars that their partner never finds out.

Myth: A person having an affair shows less interest in sex at home.

Fact: The enticement of an affair can increase passion at home and make sex even more interesting.

Myth: The person having an affair isn’t “getting enough” at home.

Fact: The truth is that the unfaithful partner may not be giving enough. In fact, the spouse who gives too little is at a greater risk than the spouse who gives too much because he or she is less invested.

Myth: A straying partner finds fault with everything you do.

Fact: He or she may in fact become Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful in order to escape detection. Most likely, he or she will be alternately critical and devoted.

Surprisingly the infidelity we must contend with in this day and age is of a new sort, and as long as we believe affairs are about a 3rd party being sexier or prettier or nicer than the spouse, we are not only vulnerable to affairs, we have potential to further injure devastated friends or family members dealing with this horrific blow to their marriage.

Affairs require secrecy, deception and lies in order to thrive. By playing a part in ending the “code of silence” we believe we can play a part in diminishing the growth of extramarital affairs in our society, and the pain experienced by those on all ends of affairs including the innocent children.

We want to inspire people. If an affair has taken place, you cannot go back and undo it. As Solomon said, “It is water under the bridge … what is wronged cannot be righted.”

So what of your future if you’ve once been betrayed? Will you allow the pain to destroy you? Will it crush you forever? Will the rest of your life be inundated with bitterness?

Or are you going to rise up, fight for yourself, fight for your marriage - if you want to, and no matter what your spouse chooses to do, heal yourself. Find meaning through all the pain, and allow it to be your catalyst to spur you on to a better, stronger, happier, and more fulfilled you. And if your spouse is willing to do the work, spur you on to a marriage beyond what you had imagined possible before.

9 Powers of Apologizing: Communication to Heal Your Relationships

2007-05-22T18:18:00.000+08:00

There are many powers of apologizing. They go beyond healing your relationships too encouraging open communication and repairing self-esteem. Here are the 9 powers of apologizing:

1. When you admit your mistakes and do not hide your weaknesses, other people you come across are more able to do the same. They own more courage to begin practicing the power of apologizing. You act as a role model and an encourager.

2. We all are extremely flawed. Yeah, that is the suck reality. If we were cars, we'd breakdown every 50 miles and require servicing just as often. But we are not mechanical beings. Thank goodness for that. We are Earthlings who reside on a planet of mistakes and apologies are an absolute necessity to bring balance in our lives. I am sure most Christians are aware we all constantly sin and make mistakes despite our desires to do what is right and good. We are only Earthlings.

3. When apologizing you begin to fix the problem you created and the healing process begins. By not apologizing you are merely sweeping dirt under a rug. By not apologizing you are covering up your actions hoping to get on with life. It does not work that way. The problem will reappear and bite you when you least expect it and at the worst time. That is one of Murphy's Law which states that the worst thing will happen the worst way and at the worst possible time.

4. If someone hurts you it is justice to have them apologize to you. For some reason this is not the case when we hurt someone. The hurting person desires your sympathy as much as you desire theirs.

5. Apologizing is giving back what you have taken. You restore the victims feeling of worthiness and self-esteem. When a person is continually damaged from someone else's actions and lack of apologies, their entire self-concept goes straight in the bin. They feel absolutely useless. Yes, not apologizing is that powerfully destructive. This principle is more so true for children. A child cannot be expected to accept other's mistakes that damage how they feel of themselves as being a part of life.

6. By having complete responsibility of your actions you possess an enormous amount of self-control. You do not become a victim of others. You become your own person. You begin to create your own destiny. By taking action and guiding your thoughts and feelings, you stop blaming others for what has happened to you and your relationships.

7. By sincerely apologizing you show effort in a relationship. You are taking action on the relationship by apologizing. That is an entire different mindset to avoiding mistakes in an attempt to "secretly get by".

8. We become greater than our desires. When asking for forgiveness you rise above your destructive inner desire to not show remorse and you become a far greater person. You no longer need to cover up your behavior as you have brought it into the light. This takes courage! Your newfound courage will roll into other areas of your life as you begin to face upto other difficult issues you had avoided in the past.

9. Apologizing produces guilt in other people for the better. They see you apologize for your mistake and compare it to their contribution to the mistake or another mistake they have made. They may become aware that what they have done is far worse then your mistake which produces guilt and possibly leads them too also apologizing. You can say apologizing has a "chain-reaction" affect.

Who would have thought there is this much power in apologizing!

Dealing With Anger In Your Marriage

2007-05-09T14:28:00.000+08:00

At some point, everyone gets angry at their spouse. It could be over something minor like leaving the cap off of the toothpaste, or something on a larger scale like disrespecting you in front of other people. The anger itself is not a sin...it's what you then do with it and how you respond to it that can potentially be classified as sin.

How are you dealing with your anger in your marriage?

There are different ways that people typically deal with anger. Many people internalize their feelings of anger. In trying to avoid dealing with it, unforgiveness and bitterness take root, gradually poisoning their marriage. Turning it inward doesn't deal with the anger; instead it's allowed to build up over time.

Others externalize it. They turn their anger outward, towards their spouse, kids, or anyone else who gets in their line of fire. They let their feelings lead them to hurt others, either verbally or physically. Many of these people profess that they just "couldn't control themselves." This is a person that's controlled by their emotions, instead of being in control of their emotions. These people will continue to physically or verbally abuse their spouses or kids as long as they can get away with it.

Now, take that same "out of control" person and put them up next to a 300 pound linebacker. Do you think they would control themselves enough to keep from slapping that linebacker around? Oh yeah, because they know they couldn't get away with that...not without some pretty hefty consequences.

We should never let our feelings of anger cause us to get "out of control."

So what are some ways to deal with anger in marriage?

1) Admit to yourself and God that you are angry. There's no reason for denying it. Plus, as you get it out in the open, you'll be better prepared to deal with it.

2) Don't yield to your feelings. If you think you may say or do something that you'll regret, walk away from the situation until you have control over your emotions. Take a deep breath to bring your physical reactions to anger under control. Realize that YOU are totally responsible for your own actions.

3) Whether the wrong committed against you was real or perceived, intentional or accidental, bring the offense to God and forgive your spouse. Forgiveness is not for the other person, it's for you. As you get in the habit of actually forgiving your spouse, your anger will lead you into sin less often.

4) Don't give the devil a foothold by dwelling on the offense. If you've forgiven your husband or wife, quit replaying the situation over in your mind. Otherwise, not only will you cause those angry feelings to come back, but you will give the devil the opportunity to add fuel to the fire by telling you how evil your spouse is. This will only serve to send you back to square one, negating any progress you've made.

If you've let your anger lead you into sin in the past, ask God to forgive you and let it go. You can't control what you've done in the past, but you can control what you do now and in the future. Start preparing now for the next time you get angry, because the time will come again when you'll need to deal with it. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you control yourself and diffuse the anger without sinning. And remember Luke 1:37 "For nothing is impossible with God."

Selfish Demands

2007-05-06T01:59:00.000+08:00

We were all born with instincts to help us survive the trials and travails of life. Some instincts are very helpful and others are downright stupid and abusive. One of our more stupid and abusive instincts, especially in marriage, is making demands.

If we make a request for something we want or need, and the request is turned down, our instincts encourage us to take more forceful steps. And the first thing that comes to mind is usually a demand.

Demands carry a threat of punishment -- an if-you-refuse-me-you'll- regret-it kind of thing. In other words, you may dislike what I want, but if you don't do it, I'll see it it that you suffer even greater pain

People who make demands don't seem to care how others feel. They think only of their own needs. "If you find it unpleasant to do what I want, tough! And if you refuse, I'll make it even tougher," is what they seem to be saying.

Demands depend on power. They don't work unless the demanding one has the power to make good on his threats. But who has power in marriage? Ideally, there is shared power, the husband and wife working together to accomplish mutual objectives. But when one spouse starts making demands-along with threats that are at least implied-it's a power play. The threatened spouse often strikes back, fighting fire with fire, power with power. Suddenly, it's a test of power-who will win the battle?

If the demanding partner doesn't have enough power to follow through with the threat, he or she often receives punishment, at least in the form of ridicule. But if power is fairly equal between a husband and wife, a battle rages until one or the other surrenders. In the end, the one meeting the demand feels deep resentment and is less likely to meet the need in the future. When the demand is not met, both spouses feel resentment.

Without a doubt, you and your spouse need to find an effective way to motivate each other to meet your needs. But demands are nothing short of abuse. In fact, it's usually the first stage of verbal abuse that ultimately leads to fights in marriage.

If you make demands of your spouse and expect obedience, you are being controlling and manipulative. Your spouse will try to escape your abuse, and instead of becoming responsive to your needs, he or she will have as little to do with you as possible. Is that what you want? Do you want to drive your spouse away from you?

Neither of you is a sergeant and neither of you is a private. You do not have the right to tell each other what to do, and if you try, you will find that it doesn't work. If you try to force your spouse to meet your needs, it becomes a temporary solution at best, and resentment is sure to rear it's ugly head. Demands and other forms of manipulation do not build compatibility; they build resentment.

There is a wise alternative to selfish demands, and that's thoughtful requests. This approach to getting what you need from each other begins by simply explaining what you would like, and asking your spouse how he or she would feel fulfilling your request. If he or she indicates that the request will be unpleasant to fulfill, discuss alternative ways your spouse could help you that would not be unpleasant.

How do you know if your spouse is "in love" with you?

2007-05-04T02:46:00.000+08:00

If you were asked, "Is your spouse in-love with you?" what would you say. Or better yet, how would you find out?

Most people use two common techniques to determine whether or not their spouse is in-love with them:

1. Ask

The straight forward approach is typically what most people use.

Do you love me?" one would ask the other.
"Why, of course I do, Honey."
or
"What do you think?" replies the spouse.

And, if there is sincerity in the delivery, the questioning would stop right there.

However, if there was something insincere about the answer, the following technique would be used:

2. Observe

Does the actions of your spouse support the idea that they are in-love with you? Are you treated with care? Are you treated in a "loving" manner? Does your spouse act like he/she is in-love with you? This approach to answering the question of being in-love or not tends to be the litmus test. Most of us judge a person's heart by their actions. Right or wrong, that's what we do. When the actions are in direct conflict with what the person says, suspicion typically follows.

Although the above techniques are used on a frequent basis, they are both wrought with the potential for error.

Ask Yourself

Ask yourself "Should _____ be in love with me?" In other words, are you giving your spouse a reason to be in-love with you?

Emotional Needs and Love Busters

In order to answer your own question, you must first know two things:

1. What are your spouseﾒs most important emotional needs and how does he/she like them to be met?
2. What are your Love Busters (from your spouse's perspective) and have you eliminated them?

Without knowing the answers to the above questions, you are guessing. And what's more, if you don't know the answers, you are probably tainting your guesses with how you like your own needs to be met (emotional needs) and what you believe is irritating (Love Busters).

Bottom line

You must be successful at developing and maintaining your skills to meet your spouse's needs and also, demonstrate an ability to protect him/her from yourself (your Love Busters). Because it boils down to this: If you're not successful at giving your spouse a reason to be in-love with you, then he/she won't be.

Admiration

2007-05-01T03:37:00.000+08:00

If you have the need for admiration, you may have fallen in love with your spouse partly because of his or her compliments to you. Some people just love to be told that they are appreciated. Your spouse may also have been careful not to criticize you because criticism may hurt you deeply if you have this need.

Many of us have a deep desire to be respected, valued and appreciated by our spouse. We need to be affirmed clearly and often. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. Even God wants us to appreciate Him.

Admiration is one of the easiest needs to meet. Just a word of appreciation, and presto, you've made someone's day. On the other hand, it's also easy to be critical. A trivial word of rebuke can set some people on their heels, ruining their day and withdrawing love units at an alarming rate.

Your spouse may have the power to build up or deplete his or her account in your Love Bank with just a few words of admiration or criticism. If you are affected that easily, be sure to add admiration to your list of important emotional needs.

Family Commitment

2007-04-29T20:56:00.000+08:00

In addition to a greater need for income and domestic responsibilities, the arrival of children may create in you the need for your spouse to become active in the moral and educational development of the children. I call that need family commitment. As is true for the need for financial and domestic support, if you do not have any children just yet, you may not sense this need. But upon their arrival, a change may take place that you didn't anticipate.

Evidence of this need is a craving for your spouse's involvement in the training of your children. When he or she is helping to care for them, you feel very fulfilled, and when they are neglected you feel very frustrated.

This is not just child care -- feeding, clothing or watching over children to keep them safe. Child care falls under the category of domestic support. Family commitment, on the other hand, is taking a responsibility for how the children will turn out, teaching them the values of cooperation and care for each other. It is spending quality time with your children to help insure happiness and success for them as adults.

But the need for family commitment is not met by just any form of training. It is only met when the training is enthusiastically approved by you. It can all be ruined if your spouse uses training methods and objectives that violate your standards. Your participation and agreement regarding training methods and objectives are essential before this need can be met.

We all want our children to be successful, but if you have the need for family commitment, your spouse's participation in family activities that guarantee that outcome will deposit so many love units that it will trigger your feeling of love for him or her. And your spouse's neglect of your children will threaten that love.

Domestic Support

2007-04-28T18:05:00.000+08:00

The need for domestic support is a time bomb. At first it seems irrelevant, a throwback to more primitive times. But for many couples, the need explodes after a few years of marriage, surprising both spouses.

Domestic support involves the creation of a peaceful and well-managed home environment. It includes cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, house cleaning and child care. If you have the need for domestic support, when your spouse does some of these things, you feel very fulfilled, and when it is not done you feel very annoyed.

n earlier generations, it was assumed that all husbands had this need and all wives would naturally meet it. Times have changed, and needs have changed along with them. Now, many of the men I counsel would rather have their wives meet their needs for affection or conversation, needs which have traditionally been more characteristic of women. And many women, especially career women, gain a great deal of pleasure having their husbands create a peaceful and well-managed home environment for them. But on average, men still express this need more often than women.

Marriage usually begins with a willingness of both spouses to share domestic responsibilities. Newlyweds commonly wash dishes together, make the bed together, and divide many household tasks. The groom welcomes the help he gets from his wife, helping him do what he's been doing alone as a bachelor. At this point in marriage, neither of them would identify domestic support as an important emotional need. But the time bomb is ticking.

When does the need for domestic support explode? When the children arrive! Children create huge needs -- both a greater need for income and greater domestic responsibilities. The previous division of labor is now obsolete. Both spouses must take on new responsibilities -- and which ones will they take?

At this point in your marriage, especially if you do not have children, you may find no need for domestic support at all. But if you find yourself very appreciative of your spouse's cooking, cleaning, washing and childcare, and are very frustrated when they are not forthcoming, make sure that domestic support is on your list of important emotional needs.

Financial Support

2007-04-27T11:40:00.000+08:00

People often marry for the financial security that they expect their spouse to provide them. In other words, part of the reason they marry is for money.

But there are others who marry before financial security becomes much of a consideration. Yet, as years go by, if a spouse is unemployed, underemployed, the other spouse can become very frustrated and unhappy. The need for financial support seems to develop after they have been married for a while, especially after children arrive.

It may be difficult for you to know how much you need financial support, especially if you were recently married or if your spouse has always been gainfully employed. But what if, before marriage, your spouse had told you not to expect any income from him or her. Would it have affected your decision to marry? Or, what if your spouse could not find work, and you had to financially support him or her throughout life? Would that withdraw love units?

You may have a need for financial support if you expect your spouse to earn a
living. But you definitely have that need if you do not expect to be earning a living yourself, at least during part of your marriage.

What constitutes financial support? Earning enough to buy everything you could possibly desire, or earning just enough to get by? Different couples would answer this differently, and the same couples might answer differently in different stages of life. That's why this need can be difficult to meet -- it can change over time.

Like many of these emotional needs, financial support is sometimes hard to talk about. As a result, many couples have hidden expectations, assumptions and resentments. How much money does your spouse have to earn before you feel frustrated about his or her paycheck? Your analysis will help you determine if you have a need for financial support, and if so, whether or not this need is being met.

Another point to remember is that when an important emotional need is met, love units are deposited in very large numbers. In other words, if someone were to meet this need for you, might you fall in love with that person? Does a person's income or wealth make him or her more attractive to you? And are those without money unattractive? If so, you probably have a need for financial support.

Physical Attractiveness

2007-04-25T18:54:00.000+08:00

For many, physical attractiveness can be one of the greatest sources of love units. If you have this need, an attractive person will not only get your attention, but may distract you from whatever it was you were doing. In fact, that's what may have first drawn you to your spouse -- his or her physical attractiveness.

There are some who consider this need to be temporary and important only in the beginning of a relationship. Some feel that after a couple get to know each other better, physical attractiveness should take a back seat to deeper and more intimate needs. And I've even heard some suggest that those with a need for physical attractiveness are immature or spiritually weak -- even subhuman!

But I don't judge important emotional needs, and I don't think you should either. The question you should ask is, what need when met deposits the most love units? If it's physical attractiveness, it should not be ignored. For many, the need for physical attractiveness not only helps create a relationship, but it continues on throughout marriage, and love units are deposited whenever the spouse is seen -- if he or she is physically attractive

Among the various aspects of physical attractiveness, weight generally gets the most attention. Almost all of the complaints I hear regarding a spouse's loss of physical attractiveness are about being overweight. And when diet and exercise bring the spouse back to a healthy size, physical attractiveness almost always returns. However, choice of clothing, hair style, makeup, and personal hygiene also come together to make a person attractive. Since attractiveness is usually in the eyes of the beholder, you are the ultimate judge of what is attractive to you.

If the attractiveness of your spouse makes you feel great, and loss of that attractiveness would make you feel very frustrated, you should probably include this category on your list of important emotional needs.

Honesty and Openness

2007-04-24T00:44:00.000+08:00

Most of us want an honest relationship with our spouse. But some people have a need for honesty and openness -- it gives them a sense of security and helps them become emotionally bonded to the one who meets that need.

Those with a need for honesty and openness want accurate information about their spouses' thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities and plans for the future. If their spouse
Learn how to meet the need of Honesty and Openness
does not provide honest and open communication, trust is undermined and the feelings of security can eventually be destroyed. They cannot trust the signals that are being sent and feel they have no foundation on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of adjusting, they feel off balance; instead of growing together, they feel as if they are growing apart.

Honesty and openness helps build compatibility in marriage. When you and your spouse openly reveal the facts of your past, your present activities, and your plans for the future, you are able to make intelligent decisions that take each other's feelings into account. And that's how you create compatibility -- by making decisions that work well for both of you simultaneously.

But aside from the practical considerations of honesty and openness, those with this need feel happy and fulfilled when their spouses reveal their most private thoughts to them, and feel very frustrated when they are hidden. That reaction is evidence of an emotional need, and if that is the way you feel, include honesty and openness as one of your most important emotional needs.

Conversation

2007-04-22T01:53:00.000+08:00

Unlike the need for sex, conversation is not an emotional need that can or should be met exclusively in marriage. Our need for conversation can ethically be met by almost anyone. But if it is one of your most important emotional needs, whoever meets it best will deposit so many love units, you may fall in love with that person. So if it's your need, it's crucial to your marital happiness that your spouse is the one who meets it the best and most often.

The need for conversation is not met by simply talking to someone. It is met when the conversation is enjoyable for both persons involved. Good conversation is characterized by the following:
(1) using it to inform and investigate each other,
(2) focusing attention on topics of mutual interest,
(3) balancing the conversation so both have an equal opportunity to talk, and
(4) giving each other undivided attention while talking to each other.

Conversation fails to meet this need when
(1) demands are made,
(2) disrespect is shown,
(3) one or both become angry, or
(4) when it is used to dwell on mistakes of the past or present.

Unless conversation is mutually enjoyable, a couple is better off not talking to each other at all. An unpleasant conversation not only fails to meet the emotional need, but it also makes it less likely that there will be an opportunity to meet the need in the future. That's because we tend to prevent our spouse from meeting our needs if earlier attempts were painful to us.

Men and women don't have too much difficulty talking to each other during courtship. That's a time of information-gathering for both partners. Both are highly motivated to discover each other's likes and dislikes, personal background, current interests and plans for the future. But after marriage, many women find that the man who would spend hours talking to her on the telephone, now seems to have lost all interest in talking to her, and spends his spare time watching television or reading.

If your need for conversation was fulfilled during courtship, you also expect it to be met after marriage. And if you fell in love because your need for conversation was met by your spouse during courtship, you risk falling out of love if that need is not met during marriage.

Do you have a craving just to talk to someone? Do you pick up the telephone just because you feel like talking? If you see conversation as a practical necessity, primarily as a means to an end, you probably don't have much of a need for it. But if you use conversation "just to talk," and enjoy conversation in its own right, and are frustrated when you haven't been able to talk to someone for a while, consider it to be one of your most important emotional needs.