Reinventing Elizabeth

I Am Wounded

2014-11-08T09:57:00.000-07:00

As you already know, I watch a lot of Netflix shows as I carry out my household duties. The latest show I just finished is Private Practice, a spin off of Grey's Anatomy, which I have also finished. And can I just say....as much as I liked Grey's Anatomy...I really liked Private Practice. Almost every episode made me tear up. Very touching stories!

Although, like any TV show, of course many of the situations were quite unrealistic...for example...one of the doctors got pregnant and then one of her patients cut her open and stole her baby. For doctors, they sure were in the hospital a lot for EACH OTHER, whether heart attacks, accidents, etc...but that's TV for you.

But there was one particular thing said...

by Addison Montgomery (Kate Walch) said and I had to write it down:

"Nobody beat me.

Nobody tried to steal my baby.

Nobody stabbed me.

But I am wounded.

My heart is broken.

And I shouldn't even complain about it because nothing HAPPENED to me.

Not like what happens to other people.

You know, sometimes I'm almost jealous of them...

cause everybody can SEE their injuries,

So they have a right to be messed up."

She said EXACTLY what I have been feeling the last couple years!

Being broken emotionally just doesn't seem the same

as being broken physically.

It almost feels stupid to complain about what I went through.

And I know it's not stupid

But it just feels that way

And no one is going to know what I've gone through unless I tell them

And I'm just not going to tell them

Because as I've said before,

we are trying to get better and work through this

and that will be harder when all our baggage is out in the open.

I will say that I have had someone to talk to about it though.

I truly believe you NEED someone else, other than your spouse, to talk to

The whole world doesn't need to know...

But you can and should have at least one other person

that you can tell EVERYTHING to.

I believe it's essential to your healing,

because there were days I feel like I wouldn't have made it through without that person.

So if you are going through something,

PLEASE find someone you can lean on.

You are welcome to email me anytime as well!

I started this blog for a reason....

to help people like me.

elizabeththomas2013 @gmail.com

Still haven't moved....

2014-11-07T09:29:00.001-07:00

I wanted to write an update ages ago,

but it has been a roller coaster of emotions the last few months.

In my last post I was so excited to announce that we were putting the house up for sale!

But our house was NOT selling like I thought it would.

LOTS of interest, but no offers!

Until FINALLY we went under contract yesterday.

I am relieved, but I am trying not to get too excited until we actually close.

Anything could happen I suppose and I feel like it will be just my luck for this to fall through at the last minute and we will still be stuck here for the rest of the winter and have to re-list in the spring. Nooooooo!

Please can that not happen.

Anyway, it is supposed to close on December 9th....so here's hoping we see this by that time:

After 5 months of keeping the house clean for showings,

I. AM. EXHAUSTED.

Can we just get out of here already and move on with our lives???!!!!

Is that too much to ask?

img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54491/130/EA8FC1EB77143B6FBCF0462FC99735C1.png" style="border: 0 !important; background: transparent;"/>

Starting A New Chapter

2014-06-26T10:41:00.000-06:00

A lot as happened since I've blogged last.

To make a really long story shorter, I will just tell you that a string of events occurred that threw me into a whirlwind of panic.

My son would be getting involved in a church activity that would put me in a room with the other woman and her family in an intimate/party like setting ONCE A MONTH for at least the next 3 years.

To remind you, I had started to try to accept the fact that neither us nor them were able to move and I would just continue to do everything I could to avoid seeing her. And it worked for a while. I was never completely happy because I was keeping myself from things that made me who I am, but I thought it was worth the sacrifice if it could help me keep it together for my family, especially my kids. So, I went on with my life, until the above mentioned occurred.

I decided that I just CAN NOT DO THIS ANYMORE.

I told my husband we MUST find a way to get out of here or I might just not make it.

What that meant, I can't be sure, except that I knew I felt like running away from my life...I was suffocating and I needed to get out.

Right away he started looking into our options and surprisingly, we had many more options than we did last year and it actually looked like a possibility for us to move. Sooooo, drumroll please.....

WE ARE MOVING!!!!!!

The day has come

almost two years later, but at least it has come.

I am getting out of here!!

As happy as I am, it is a very hard thing to do.

I LOVE this house.

I LOVE the friends my kids have made.

I LOVE the schools.

I LOVE the area, the neighborhood and we have put SO much into this home.

If I let myself start to think about it to much I am so sad.

But it has to be done.

I often see this quote going around:

And someone might tell me..."So, just STOP re-reading the last chapter so you can move on!!!"

And I say to them : "How do you stop reading the last chapter when the pages are sealed open and staring you in the face!!!! "

I can't even turn the freaking page when they live right behind us and I see HER at every turn.

There are so many that will not understand this.

Will not understand why I can't just get over it and move on.

I'm sorry that you don't understand.

Honestly, I hope that you never do.

What Every Husband Should DO when your wife is sick

2014-04-23T10:58:00.003-06:00

It hit me hard yesterday. A bug causing me to run to the bathroom every 15 minutes for the first half of the day. I couldn't eat anything, head throbbing and I felt like my body just got ran over by a truck. Good thing I didn't have any plans and my kids were at school for most of the day. It's one of those days where you wish your mom still lived with you, to nurse you back to health. I got up to try to make myself some toast later in the afternoon and thought I was going to pass out.

I WILL give my husband a little bit of credit...he came home from work a little early and helped me out a little and was able to be there when the kids got home from school. So I didn't have to worry about that. And even though he did everything I asked, I felt so bossy because I had to keep telling him what to do. Asking him to make me some soup. Asking him to make the kids dinner. Asking him to help the kids with their homework, etc. And while he did all those things, for some reason I was SOOOO bugged that I had to ask him to do them. Not once did he come check on me or ask if I needed anything on his own.

I know, I sound like a BIG brat, and maybe I am, but this is what was going on with me:

The day before was a Monday, I got the entire house clean. Bathroom, bedrooms, kitchen, vacuumed floors, etc. The house was looking beautiful. Tuesday morning the bug hits. I can't do a thing. By 7:00pm and 10 Grey's Anatomy episodes later, I muster up enough energy to hobble out of my bedroom to see what everyone else is doing. The kitchen IS. A. DISASTER. We are out of dishes because they are strewn all over the counters, kitchen table, sink, etc. Empty food boxes and other garbage all over the place. Shoes, backpacks, homework, etc all over the family room and floors. I was so mad. And to top it all off, my husband is laying on the couch watching TV.

Still feeling quite crappy, I got more and more bugged as I started to walk around the kitchen to clean everything up. I got the kitchen spotless, started the dishwasher and did the laundry all while crying and my husband didn't even so much as look my way. He didn't even ask how I was doing or if I needed help. Needless to say I was pretty pissed off. My body was still feeling sick, so I finished up and went to lay back in my bed. I thought MAYBE my husband might want to watch something with me and hang out when the kids go to bed at 8, since all I've been able to do is lay in bed all day. But about 8, I still hear kids going strong and so I call out to them and say, "It's time for bed guys!" and my husband calls out, "Calm down! I'll take care of it". Well, he didn't come and sit with me until an hour later. All that time, I'm just seething with anger, crying about everything and feeling sorry for myself. So the night ended with him going to bed early and I'm out on the couch watching a movie all by myself.

Ok, so maybe I'm a BIG brat. Maybe I looked at all the negatives instead of the positives. But come on people, I was sick, ok? Sometimes you just can't help it. I know we are adults, but when we are sick, it still sucks.

A thought came to me, that MAYBE there are men out there googling TIPS to help their wife when she is sick. There are probably not many, but JUST IN CASE. Or maybe some of you wives want to pass this on to your husband right now...just so he can be prepared for when the day comes:

WHAT EVERY HUSBAND SHOULD DO WHEN THEIR WIFE IS SICK:

1. Even if the house wasn't clean to begin with, START CLEANING. There is nothing worse for a housewife than the helplessness of not being able to keep her house under control. I will guarantee you that when your wife finally is able to emerge from her dark pit of sickness and despair, it will MAKE. HER. DAY to know that she doesn't have to worry about household duties while trying to recover from her horrendous sickness. Not to mention, it can make a person feel even more nautious when you see and smell unfinished food that has been left out everywhere.

2. Make sure you know what CLEAN THE KITCHEN means. There have been times in the past when I have asked my husband if he could clean the kitchen. I come home and it doesn't look like anything was done. Well, apparently, to him, a clean kitchen means that the dishes are done. No, that's not what that means. You don't have to get out the hardcore cleaning supplies and scrub brushes (but by all means, feel free), but you should do the following: Clear all countertops and table tops COMPLETELY (nothing should be on them any more) and then wipe them down, dishes done, sink rinsed out of any leftover food, and floors swept of any crumbs left behind, and put any leftover food in the fridge or pantry.

3. Learn the phrase, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? And say it to her every 30 minutes. Yes, that seems like a lot and of course if she is sleeping, there is no need to wake her up for this. But it's the hardest thing to be stuck in bed. Even if she just might need a drink of water, it's nice to not have to call out for help whenever it's needed. I hate feeling like I'm being an inconvenience and if I have to call out every 30 minutes for something, chances are, I'm probably not going to do it. I'd probably live without water for 3 hours than feel like I'm bossing people around.

4. GET THE KIDS TO BED ON TIME. Yes, the bed time routine might be a little bit messed up without both parents to handle the kids, but the kids still need to go to bed on time. Mom needs it, Dad will need it and even more so, the kids will need it. They most likely have school the next day and no one wants to deal with cranky kids.

5. Make a GROCERY STORE trip if needed. If it's a stomach bug, check to make sure you have some Sprite, some saltine crackers, bread for toast and some kind of brothy Chicken Noodle Soup. If it's more of a cold kind of flu, you'll still want the Chicken Noodle Soup, plenty of tissues and maybe make sure you have enough Day-Quil, cough drops, or whatever kind of medication you prefer. And make sure she is drinking lots of fluids! All of these things will help her get back to herself again sooner.

6. Help her have a CHANGE OF SCENERY. If she's stuck in bed all day long, ask her if she might want you to help her to another room. Maybe watch a movie together when the kids go to bed. It was a pretty crappy day, and so this can be a boost for her spirits. Maybe you can run a nice hot bath for her! It can be hard to sit in one place all day. We do it because it takes to much work to do anything else! So some help would be nice.

7. DO NOT COMPLAIN about any of the above. Your attitude makes all the difference here. Even if you are doing everything above, if you are sighing heavily or grunting about it, the effort is not going to mean anything. In fact, like I mentioned above, if I feel like I'm being an inconvenience in any way, I'll just stop asking for help. Remember that your wife did not choose to be sick. It is not her fault. And it definitely is NOT "a day off" by any means.

8. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I didn't want to leave this out because it's the worst if you're next to get what she had!! Wash your hands a LOT! Make sure you are also drinking lots of fluids as well.

Good luck to you men!! And wives, if you see your husband making an effort with ANY of these things, the best thing to do is to say thank you. A lot. For a lot of men, this is all out of their comfort zone and it's always nice to know your efforts were noticed. Yes, maybe I need to take some of my own advice.

April 2014 Conference - "Gratitude" by Dieter F Uchtdorf

2014-04-07T11:25:00.001-06:00

There are always SO many good reminders during General Conference, but there was one talk in particular that stood out to me. It was by President Uchtdorf during the Sunday morning session and he talked about being grateful. Something we all know about, but he suggested taking a different view on it. He said:

"We CAN be Grateful. It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world that one who is burdened with sorrow, should give thanks to God, but those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace and understanding .

Focusing on what we are grateful FOR is the wrong approach. It is difficult to develop a spirit of gratitude if our thankfulness is only proportional to the number of blessings we can count. True, it is important to frequently Count Our Blessings and anyone who has tried this, knows that there are MANY. But I don't believe that the Lord expects us to be less thankful in times of trial than in times of abundance and ease.

We need to seek gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation. Instead of being thankful FOR things, be thankful IN our current situation, whatever that may be.

The choice is ours.

We can choose to limit our gratitude based on the blessings we feel we lack.... or we can choose to be grateful No. Matter. What. This type of gratefulness transcends whatever is happening around us. It surpasses disappointment, discouragement and despair. It blooms just as beautifully in the icy landscape of winter as it does in the blessed warmth of summer."

"We sometimes think that being grateful is something we do AFTER our problems are solved. But how terribly shortsided that is. How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain.

Being grateful in times of distress does NOT mean we are pleased with our circumstances.

It does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present day challenges. This is not a gratitude of the lips, but of the soul. It heals the heart and expands the mind. Being grateful IN our circumstances is an act of faith in God.

Gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony. It comes from acknowledgeing that we do not always understand the trials of life, but trusting that one day we will."

I actually didn't mean to quote so much, but he just says it so well! ;)

I'm not the best at being grateful in times of trial, but I think I've come to attempt it in my own way. I'm stuck in a pretty crappy situation...not being able to fully move on while 'the other woman' is still living behind me and in my ward. It's hard to go to church when I'm reminded of all the pain and hurt that I've suffered.

There are many days I wish I could just curl up in a ball in my room and never leave.

But instead of doing that, I try to find happiness in other places.

I try to plan things with my family that we can have fun with, whether we are exploring new places, playing games, visiting family, etc

I try to find happiness in my work, in the things I need to get done around the house, in taking care of my family or serving others.

My hope is that this will carry me through until circumstances change.

Right now, it's the best that I can do.

"About Time" & Enjoying The Ride

2014-04-01T22:51:00.000-06:00

I watched this movie with my husband the other night. My rating is 4 out of 5 stars. It's not my most favorite movie ever and I would be willing to watch it again, but not jumping out of my seat to do so. BUT I gave it such a high rating because of the message. It made me tear up in the end and I loved some of the quotes in the end.

I don't want to give too much away, for those that still need to see it, but if you are worried about the R rating, it's one of those movies that is only rated that high because of a few F words, one glimpse of a naked poster...and maybe too many sexual situations? But they don't show any nudity in these scenes. Anyway, it's a story of a young man who finds out he has a passed down ability to travel back in time. Yes, Rachel McAdams is in ANOTHER time traveling movie. Strange!

Anyway, his dad tells him of this new ability and at some point in the movie says tells him what HIS dad told him:

"He told me his secret formula for happiness. Part one of the two part plan was that I should just get on with ordinary life, living it day by day, like anyone else. But then came part two of Dad's plan. He told me to live every day AGAIN almost exactly the same. The first time with all the tensions and worries that stop us noticing how sweet the world can be, but the second time NOTICING."

And when I heard this, I thought oooh, that's such a good idea! Well, a great idea if you can time travel anyway. ;) And I loved that they were using their ability in a good way...still a little bit selfish, but at least they were doing it to try to make a difference in their lives.

And if you HATE movies to be spoiled, don't worry, I'm not going to explain the entire ending or whatever, but I just HAVE to share the last quotes. So if you are very picky...DO NOT READ AHEAD.

But at the end of the movie, the son, seen below, said the following:

"In the end I think I've learned the final lesson from my travels in time; and I've even gone one step further than my father did: The truth is, I now don't travel back at all, not even for the day, I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life."

And then he goes on to say:

"We're all traveling through time together, every day of our lives. All we can do is do our best to relish this remarkable ride."

And with that last sentence, I thought to myself...how wonderful that they ended with this message! It's a beautiful reminder. I need to print it out and keep it all around the house!

Anyway, if you haven't seen it...I recommend giving it a chance. It can feel a tad bit slow...but the actors did a great job and I enjoyed it.

Love The One You Hold

2014-02-17T12:52:00.000-07:00

I know Valentine's Day is past, but I wanted to share one of my favorite songs lately. It's Lover Of The Light by Mumford and Sons.

As I always say, songs can be interpreted in a number of ways, but I especially love the chorus of this one.

"But love the one you hold

And I will be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light"

Commit to the person you are already with! Make an effort and I strongly believe that you will find "gold" and "light" in your relationship!!

Here are all the lyrics for you:

And in the middle of the night

I may watch you go.

There'll be no value in the strength

Of walls that I'll have grown

There'll be no comfort in the shade of the shadows thrown

But I'd be yours if you'd be mine

Stretch out my life and pick the seams out

Take what you like but close my ears and eyes

Or watch me stumble over and over

I had done wrong you built your tower

But call me home

and I will build a throne

And wash my eyes out never again

But love the one you hold

And I will be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light

With skin too tight and eyes like marbles

You spin me high so watch me as I glide

Before I tumble homeward,

homeward I know I've tried I was not stable

And flawed by pride

I miss my sanguine eyes

So hold my hands up

Breathe in and breathe out

So love the one you hold

And I will be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light

And in the middle of the night I may watch you go.

There'll be no value in the strength

Of walls that I'll have grown

There'll be no comfort in the shade of the shadows thrown

You may not trust the promises of the change I'll show

But I'd be yours If you'd be mine

So love the one you hold

And I'll be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light

So love the one you hold

And I will be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light

After Ever After - funny Disney parody

2014-02-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, this is going to be random,

but this was just too funny and WELL DONE not to share.

Especially when I relate!

I LOVE love stories!

But what happens after the happy ending?

Life certainly goes on, right?

See my ABOUT ME section

Anyway, then I saw the video and thought it was so creative...enjoy

AWESOME Valentine's Gift Idea

2014-02-11T07:29:00.000-07:00

Warning: More sexy talk....

Hey, it IS Valentines day coming up!

This is a great Valentine's Day Gift Idea, or anniversary gift idea

Let me introduce you to a

Boudoir Session

A lot of people don't know what this is.

It's basically a photo session of you in lingerie.

But it can be as clean and tasteful as you want it to be.

I know, I know....it's hard to want to do something like this when you're not feeling skinny. And these pictures don't really help...I'm sorry. But honestly...your husband is going to have his eyes pop out that you did this for him.

You can get lingerie that helps cover the parts you are the most insecure about, and if you have a good photographer, she can get shoot the angles that work best for you and highlight your best features. I like the idea of the outfit with the see through sweater...it can be sexy to see a bra underneath, but the sweater can help hide your love handles.

You'll need some red lipstick (Be bold!)

Well, bring a few different lipsticks

Glamour yourself up like you're going out on a fancy date.

And indulge in a few new pieces for the bedroom. (Husband's favorite color?)

Some high heels might be fun

Even a sexy dress up/Halloween costume (does your husband have a fantasy? sexy nurse? haha)

Depending how comfortable you are, you might want to show a little more skin. Maybe shirt off, but covering your chest with your arms. Hey, this IS your husband after all. He's seen you naked!

Maybe it will motivate you to get healthy and exercise and when you drop a few pounds, go for it!

But even if you don't, seriously, just get what works for you

What will make you the sexiest is not how much you weigh, but how much you have confidence in yourself. As much as you don't want to believe it, your husband THINKS YOU'RE SEXY no matter what! So Rock That Body!! Bring out your inner sex goddess!! I know it's in there somewhere!

All I want to say, is think about it.

I know my body is just going to go downhill from here, so I'm so glad I did it.

Not just for my husband, but for me too!

Knock your husband's socks off this Valentine's Day

2014-02-07T19:03:00.000-07:00

Just to warn you, I'm just going to let myself go in this post. Throw all caution to the wind. Why is it a little bit hard for some of us to talk about the sexual nature of our relationships?! It just feels like something that should be kept within the bedroom. Ha! BUT I am a big believer that we can all learn a lot from each other and I do think that sex should be included in that. It's just as important a part of our relationships as anything else, and my blog DOES have a lot to do with helping you in your relationships. So here we go!

"She was standin' in the kitchen with nothin' but her apron on"

Oh yes.

You know where I'm going with this.

No more only having sex late at night with all the lights off.

Have a little fun, will ya?!

Some of you might remember this sweet little song, "Somewhere Other Than The Night" by Garth Brooks. I'm not sure how many people it has inspired, but I know it inspired ME. I really wanted to do something different last year for Valentines Day. I stepped out of my shell and let me tell you, it was completely worth it. Here's what you can do:

Get rid of the kids before your husband gets home from work. Check!

Shower and shave your legs. Check!

Put on some panties and an apron. (nothing else!) Check!

Be ready with ingredients to cook dinner together. Check!

Optional...light some candles, put out some rose petals, set a the dinner table with some bubbly. Check!

Have an apron ready for the hubby. (of course I'm not going to be the only naked one in the kitchen!) Check!

Be standing in the kitchen with nothing but your apron on when your hubby walks in. Check!

Make love before dinner. NOPE!

PS: Does anyone REALLY say making love? I was trying to be more appropriate/romantic, but maybe I'll just say what I would normally say. haha

Do it after dinner. NOPE!

Do it after you massage each other in front of the fire. NOPE!

Don't get me wrong...do plenty of touching, kissing, whatever, but after dinner and after giving each other a massage, we got dressed and went to a movie!! We found ourselves to be very cuddly and touchy feely at the movie and by the time we got home, we were REA-DY.

And let me tell you...it was one of the best sexual experiences I've had in my 13 years of marriage....for both of us!

Hope you'll try it! ;)

Gossip Girl, Soulmates & Protecting Your Relationship

2014-02-03T09:06:00.001-07:00

I have finished yet another television series on Netflix! Honestly, I started this one out of pure boredom...I needed a new show to watch as I did chores around the house and I couldn't really find one that stood out to me. I am a HUGE 'judge a book by it's cover' person, even though I know it's wrong...I can't help it! I always REFUSED to watch Gossip Girl because it looked so, well, for a lack of a better word...slutty. I kept thinking there have GOT to be other shows out there like Parenthood (all time favorite), but I searched and searched and can never find anything! If you have any favorites, please comment! haha

ANYWAY, Gossip Girl always DID catch my eye because I knew Blake Lively from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and LOVE that movie.

AND I knew Leighton Meester from Country Strong...

SOOOOOOO, I gave in. I tried the first episode. I think I rolled my eyes because it was exactly how I expected it to be. BUT, I let myself watch a few episodes and of course, it hooked me in...I wanted to see what happens with these characters.

Would I recommend it? Eh, I don't know...it was interesting...but seriously just like a soap opera, but glammed up. haha Seriously, all of the main characters had dated and/or slept with everyone in the main group at one time or another, but of course they were all still friends in the end. ;) A little ridiculous if you ask me, but oh well...I watched it...all 6 seasons!

It did, however, reinforce something I always knew.

The importance of protecting your relationship.

I'm not sure I believe in soul mates.

I don't think that there is ONLY one person that can make you happy

or that there is ONLY one person you click with completely

I believe

that if you spend enough time with a person,

that you can grow to love them.

Just as many people will say that their love for their spouse GROWS with every passing day.

Look at arranged marriages...yes, not every one of them ends up perfectly happy,

BUT, there are so many that DO!

They perhaps start more as a friendship

but as they spend so much time together and learn more about each other,

it gives them the opportunity to connect emotionally,

which often times leads to LOVE.

Look at how many times we hear about actors or actresses that get divorced and end up with someone they worked with in a movie!

Is it because they finally found the person they were MEANT to be with?!

NO! I don't think so AT ALL.

I think it's because they spent hundreds of hours working intimately with this person

and love grew out of that friendship.

What I'm trying to say is

BE CAREFUL of friendships of the opposite sex.

I'm not going to say that you can't be "friends" with a member of the opposite sex

But I AM going to say I don't believe that it is a very SAFE place.

I have watched my husband over the years be very friendly with everyone he meets

He is a good friend

He is easy to talk to

He enjoys good conversation with other people.

But many times when he has let himself talk to another woman more than he should,

it gets out of hand.

Without him meaning it to.

But that's just it.

We are human

We are going to make mistakes

BUT that doesn't mean we can't take appropriate measures to help assure we don't keep making the same ones, right?

Boundaries are OK.

It is so important to safeguard our relationship.

Anything can happen.

I'm telling you people, ANYTHING can happen.

And it can happen completely out of the blue.

Just be careful.

That's all I wanted to say.

5 Steps To Overcoming Your Mistakes

2014-01-31T06:11:00.000-07:00

{There's this REALLY interesting youtube channel called VSauce. Almost everything he has to say is pretty fascinating. And he says it in such an interesting way! Go check it out }

A video from VSauce inspired this post.

His video called MISTAKES

"(Mistakes) are as much a part of us today

As the stuff we've gotten right"

I like the metaphor he gives at 6:23

Here is what he says:

"How do you deal with regret?
Guilt?

Can you?

Stuff in your past is like a carving on the bark of a sapling

Over time the scar, the carving, won't go away

Because of the way trees grow, it won't go up and down much either

It'll just stay right where it began.

It might even get darker,

but it won't get bigger.

YOU, however

CAN!

You can keep growing

Doing more things, more branches

BE more things!

The wound won't get smaller,

but you can make IT a smaller part of who you are."

Of course, this is easier said than done.

Here are 6 steps to follow
when trying to overcome your mistakes

1. FEEL SOMETHING : Whether it's guilt or regret or shame, it's a good sign.. It means that you recognize that you made a mistake and you feel bad about it. You can't learn from your mistakes if you don't even feel like you made one! And don't be ashamed of your SHAME. Don't lie to avoid confronting your shame and guilt. The people who truly love you in your life will be ready to listen and will still accept you for who you are. So don't be afraid to feel something and share those feelings!!

2. ACCEPT IT : Let go of trying to justify your mistake. Let go of trying to place blame. No matter who or what led to your decision, it was still YOUR choice. Just accept that you made a mistake. It's part of life. We all make them. Man up and just take responsibility for the mistake that you made and tell yourself that you want to do better. YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN A VALUABLE LIFE LESSON, but you have to first take responsibility.

3. APOLOGIZE : If your mistake affected another person, it is important that you let them know you are sorry. They may not be ready to forgive you, but the important thing is that they hear you say it. It's the only way to begin to rebuild trust. If you are religious, this may be the time to get on your knees and ask forgiveness from your Father in Heaven. He wants to help you through it and take the guilt off of your shoulders.

4. UNDERSTAND & LEARN : Why did the mistake happen? To avoid making the same mistakes, sometimes we learn of a bad habit that we need to break. Is there something that could have done to avoid the mistake? Maybe you shouldn't have been in a certain place or been with a certain person at all. Don't let yourself fall into the "What Ifs" so you can start beating yourself up again, but let yourself see how you got into the situation in the first place so that you can LEARN from them. We need to learn something from our mistakes to be able to view your them as useful stepping stones on our way to a better life. Learning from them will help us lower the risk of repeating them.

5. LIGHTEN UP : Don't be so hard on yourself! Making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person. Making stupid decisions doesn't mean you are a stupid person. It's the way you handle them that determines what kind of person you are. Let go of PERFECTION and you will feel so much lighter. Handle your mistakes with grace & maturity (by following all of the above steps) and you will slowly start to be able to forgive yourself and move on.

Say Something

2014-01-28T08:49:00.000-07:00

This is a REALLY popular song right now

"Say Something" by A Great Big World, feat Christina Aguilera

I hear it all over the radio

It really is beautiful to listen to

But can be so sad when you really listen to the words

Push play and follow the lyrics below

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'll be the one, if you want me to.

Anywhere I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.

It was over my head

I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl.

Say something,

I'm giving up on you.

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

Anywhere I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

And anywhere I would've followed you.

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something...

I'm sure this song can be interpreted a number of ways

The video itself poses 3 different situations someone might be in when relating to this song

It touched me most when relating to a couple struggling in their relationship

My favorite part of the lyrics are

"I know nothing at all

And I will stumble & fall

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl"

It is SO TRUE!

Isn't it?

I don't think there is anyone on this earth that knows how to love perfectly

There are so many factors that affect how we love

How we grew up

The people who loved us and raised us

And then you meet someone who may have learned how to love in a different way

And then everything we experience along the way

changes who we are and how we love

When my husband cheated on me,

it wasn't physical

It was emotional

And going through that experience taught me that

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

I had barely touched the surface of what it means to love

There were so many things I wasn't doing

Because I hadn't yet learned how

That's why second chances are so important

Instead of getting so frustrated or angry with our spouse over something we feel they should have
already KNOWN how to do,

We need to understand that we are all still learning

So SAY SOMETHING

Talk to your spouse in a loving way

Let them know that you love them

But that you need something to change

Have a heartfelt conversation

And if you are on the receiving end of this plea

LISTEN and then SAY SOMETHING back

Don't let yourself get defensive

Don't let yourself feel judged

Don't let yourself pull away from them right when they are trying to reach out.

Your version of the song doesn't have to include

"And I'm saying goodbye"

Relating to Parenthood, the TV show

2014-01-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

Absolutely LOVE this show! The actors are so REAL and genuine...they do an amazing job. It's the kind of show you wish would just go on FOREVER!! My husband and I watch this together and I love it. Lots of FEEL GOOD moments that can bring you closer together. There are also so many story lines that people in all different situations can relate to. I highly, highly recommend this show.

The most recent episodes have been a little difficult to watch for me. We are in the middle of season 5 and Julia and Joel have been having a hard time in the marriage. Joel's job has been very demanding of his time and they have been feeling a DISCONNECT. This will happen to all of us. I have mentioned before, that it is just normal that there will be times of disconnect in our relationships. That's not the bad part. The bad part is when we don't recognize it until it's too late, OR we recognize it, but don't do anything about it.

In Joel and Julia's case...they just can't get on the same page. And in the meantime, there is another parent from their kids school, Ed Brooks, that has formed a friendship with Julia. They have formed feelings for each other and when Julia recognized that this was not appropriate, she tried to tell Ed that they can't be friends anymore. Needless to say, that conversation ended with Ed kissing her.

This storyline really hits home with me. My husband's affair started the same way. He formed a friendship with another woman and he felt connected to her in a way that he had NOT been feeling with me at that time. In this type of situation, the persons involved don't go into the friendship looking for an affair or planning on one. IT JUST HAPPENS. IT JUST HAPPENS people.

Julia didn't know what to do...she was confused for her feelings for Ed...she feels like he "Sees" her. It is just SO crazy, because this is what my husband had told me about the woman he had the affair with. "She understood him".

She went to her older brother Adam and I LOVE the advice he gave her:

"Julia, listen to me, whatever is feeling good right now about Ed, is just related to how bad things are feeling with Joel, alright? And it is not worth it. It's not about him, this is about you and Joel. And you've got to focus on your marriage. It's about you and your family. It's not worth it, ok? You've got to get this guy out of your life and forget about him. Figure your stuff out with Joel. "

Isn't that amazing? I wish that everyone had someone like that to talk to...to get them back on course when confused. I hope that can speak to any of you out there that might be feeling a disconnect with your spouse and feeling like turning to someone else who you feel might understand you better. DON'T DO IT. IT'S NOT WORTH IT. YOU CAN GET BACK WHAT YOU HAD WITH YOUR SPOUSE. YOU CAN! The disconnect doesn't mean it's over and the new connection does NOT mean you might be meant to be with that other person. But you need to TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE about it. Get help if you need to. But your marriage CAN and WILL get better if you both work on it.

The other part that really hit home was the part where Joel confronted Julia and asked if she was having an affair. BEGGED HER TO TELL HIM WHAT WAS GOING ON. That if there is anything he needed to know to TELL HIM PLEASE!

I had a moment like that before finding out about the affair. I confronted my husband and asked "Is there something going on?" And he did just as Julia did and told me No, there's nothing going on. But I'm telling you....WE FEEL IT. We may not be able to articulate that it's an affair or whatever, but we FEEL THAT SOMETHING IS OFF. I talked more about this experience here: http://mrdarcycheated.blogspot.com/2013/08/a-freaky-journal-entry.html

I just WISH he would have talked to me about it!!!! I had NO CLUE that anything was feeling off in our marriage. I would do anything to go back and have him tell me the truth in that moment. JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER PEOPLE! The truth needs to come out for the fixing to begin.

Not everyone has a happy ending to these situations. Sometimes the betrayed party feels that it is too hard to get over and would rather leave than work on it. Sometimes the one who betrayed decides to see if the grass is greener on the other side. But I am CROSSING MY FINGERS that Joel and Julia can work this out and we can see more of this:

Feeling crazy like Gatsby

2013-12-10T17:51:00.000-07:00

We just recently rented The Great Gatsby. I read this book in high school, but didn't remember much about it other than I don't think I liked it and thought it was boring. I really think Baz Lurman brought this book to life on the screen. He was the director of Moulin Rouge also, and you can tell when you watch. The styles are similar....eye candy. LOVED Moulin Rouge.

Gatsby said something towards the end of the film that struck me:

"If I can just get back to the start...."

He was obsessed with wiping out the 5 years he had lost with his love Daisy. But he was not just wanting to start over, he was wanting to pretend those 5 years didn't exist basically. He kind of seemed like he wasn't right in the head, but I sort of got it.

How many times have I wished that POOF, all the bad things could be whisked away from my memory and I could be sent back in time to do it all over again. But do it in a better way of course. In a way that avoids all the pain and heartache. So many times I've wished this. That's all Gatsby wanted. He just wanted to start over.

Nick Carraway told him: “You can’t repeat the past.”

“Can’t repeat the past?” he cried incredulously. “Why of course you can!”

And he was dead set on making that happen! haha Sure, he sounds a little crazy, but that HOPE that you feel from him. You almost believe him!

It's just too bad that he lost everything by being obsessed with this goal. If he had just accepted the past for what it was and let it go, he could have moved forward with the love of his life and lived happily ever after.

So yes, I sometimes feel a little crazy like Gatsby, but I do understand that what is done is done. It's in the past. There's no redoing it. No matter how hard a person tries...the past can't be forgotten. It becomes a part of you. It changes you. Sometimes for the worse, but hopefully for the better. Accepting this is part of moving on. It won't make everything better, but it's a start.

Kill Me Now

2013-11-26T17:26:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry, but I must vent on this post today. What happened today is mind blowing.

To help you understand this, let me start by saying that I have been married almost 13 years. I have a best friend who was there with me through it all and I have waited for her to find the same happiness! It took 13 years, but she did it!!! She got married today!!! We finished all the pictures at the Salt Lake Temple and I said goodbye to her and was SO happy on such a perfect day and I was walking away with a smile on my face.

As I walked past the temple, and looked over at the temple stairs, there SHE was .
The other woman!!
The woman who has been a thorn in my side ever since the affair
It looked like her brother had just gotten married and they were doing pictures!!!!!!

What the #^%#????

Mind you, this is 45 minutes from home
And I RARELY see anyone I know from my neighborhood when I'm out
Of all days for me to run into her.

Kill. Me. Now.

The moment I saw her, it was like a scene from a movie:

All of a sudden all movement went into slow motion

The smile disappeared from my face

And the world around me came crashing down

Needless to say I basically ran by and found a corner and had a panic attack.

Took a little while to calm myself down

Some of you might be wondering...

"why is she having a panic attack when she runs into her over a year after the affair happened?"

Well, first of all, you might have forgotten that it has been a little hard to move on,
WHEN SHE IS STILL IN MY WARD!!!
I'm not sure I know how to make you understand how hard this is.
I would never wish this on another person.

Second of all, refer to my post about Post Traumatic Stress

I have this

And it's REALLY hard when I am reminded of anything to do with the affair

And seeing her is the worst for me.

On a positive note,
apparently we found out later that they saw us INSIDE the temple,
as they were going IN to a wedding ceremony
and we were coming OUT
THANK THE HEAVENS that I did not see them at that time
But still....I have NEVER ran into ANYONE from my ward while downtown
much less IN the temple!!
Of all people to run into
I just don't understand

I don't understand why I have to continue to go through this
Why the torment is never ending.

6 ways to stay TUNED IN to your spouse

2013-11-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

I started reading this book, Fall In Love For Life, and I've been excited about it. I will be sharing more things from this, but one thing she says deals with affairs and also with tuning in to your partner.

On having affairs

"Some people have affairs because they tell themselves that they deserve more attention than they get at home. Or maybe they get annoyed because they feel that all of their needs aren't getting met by their partner. Well, whoever told them that one person could meet their every need? You can actually live quite comfortably without having all of your needs met. Try thinking about it that way; you might be surprised how liberating it is. You are not perfect, and neither is your partner, but you can make a very pleasant life together if you are both serious about providing the love and support that go along with a marriage."

I do believe it's true that we can't be expected to meet EVERY need of our spouse, but we need to remember that as human beings, we NEED TO FEEL LIKE SOMEONE CARES about us. And I believe that so many affairs could be prevented if both spouses felt like their partner was truly TUNED IN to them.

Cutie Cooper also says : On tuning in to your partner

"I think the place where good marriages break down is when one or both parties begin to take the other person for granted. And yet it's understandable that this happens. Life is complicated and can be exhausting, so there is always a temptation when you get home to just tune out, because home is one place where you should feel safe enough to let your guard down this way. But there's a difference between relaxing and disengaging, and while relaxing is a healthy way to recharge your psychic and spiritual batteries, disengaging is a drain on you and your relationships. Nothing is more important than that you recognize the difference and stay present for all the people you love."

I teared up a little when I read that because that is one BIG mistake that I have made over the years. I would DISENGAGE from my husband without even knowing it. I thought I was listening, but I wasn't always fully PRESENT. I'm a busy person!

My husband does NOT blame me for his affair, but as we go to therapy we talk about feelings and he has often felt that I don't care about him or anything he has to say or that I'm not interested. I was flabbergasted!! Of course I CARE and am INTERESTED. But because I wasn't fully tuning in and engaging, I gave him the impression that I didn't REALLY care.

And all it took was for another woman to pay attention to him and it made him feel good and things went downhill from there. :(

TAKE IT FROM ME:

1. STOP AND LISTEN : When your partner starts to talk about something, STOP whatever it is you're doing or thinking and LISTEN!  No matter what it is...it could be a joke he read out of the reader's digest. The point IS that he is talking to you because he wants to connect and while the joke might not seem important, it is important to HIM or he wouldn't be sharing! So LISTEN and ENGAGE! It's an opportunity to connect with who you love.

2. EYE CONTACT : From "The Art of Manliness Blog", he says that "eye contact shows attention and creates an intimate bond. It shows the speaker that you're tuned in to what he's saying and it creates moments where you are really able to feel what he is feeling and it leaves the receiver of your gaze feeling more positive about your interaction and CONNECTED to you".   As we go through therapy, the counselor always makes sure we are looking at each other when trying to convey our feelings. It works!! You are also less likely to be angry or yell at your spouse if you are sitting across from them looking into their eyes.

3. BE HONEST : If you get distracted and really can NOT listen, then kindly stop him and let him know you want to hear the rest of it, but to give you a minute or something. The worst thing I've done is to sort of half listen because I didn't want to be rude and I couldn't stop what I was doing. But when I would do that, I missed something he said or sometimes couldn't even remember it later! That makes the other person feel like you didn't really care what they had to say.

4.  BE INTERESTED I love how Danielle said it from her blog "Fancy Little Things" : "Get excited about the things they get excited about! If it isn’t necessarily your ‘cup of tea’, so what! Try a sip! You may just like it." I am telling you, I found this to be true! After I found out about the affair and I dropped many of the things that were keeping me occupied, all I wanted to do was be with him and it just so happened to be football season, so I sat with him while it was on, even though I didn't really care for it and never have. He is a huge fan of a certain team and he would tell me about the players and explain the game to me and who would have EVER thought, but I BECAME A FAN TOO! And now I really do enjoy watching. Do I have to watch EVERY sports game? No, but I enjoy keeping up with the team that he loves. And I love to watch him get excited to tell me about it. I feel good that he knows he can come to me and I'm interested.

5. ASK QUESTIONS : Don't always let him be the one to come to you. Beat him to it and ask him how his day was and then follow all the suggestions above. ;)   Going above and beyond would be to ask questions about something he's previously talked about...FOLLOW UP on something he was working on the day before or a problem he might have been working through, etc.

6. GO TO BED AT THE SAME TIME : Ok, so this might be a hard one and it might not be able to be done every night. But this MUST happen at least a few times a week. Our days are so busy that realistically there is probably no time to TALK until you are both laying in bed at the end of the day. It's strange how just laying there together can spark conversation about things you didn't even know you might talk about. I can't emphasize how important this one is. Start now!

This might seem like a lot. Just remember that as long as you're making a conscious effort, you'll be just fine. It also needs to work on both ends. So if you are the one that feels like your partner doesn't care, you can sit down with them, make eye contact and share your feelings and maybe even share this post. ;)

10 ways to have the Best Date Night

2013-11-12T12:11:00.000-07:00

The purpose of Date Night is the time to RECONNECT and REDISCOVER each other and leave the demands of the daily schedule behind.

You've probably heard this from me before, but it is impossible stay connected throughout an entire marriage without working for it. A marriage consists of the cycle of connecting, disconnecting, and reconnecting again. The disconnection is inevitable. In fact, the trouble in a marriage (i.e. an affair) doesn't stem from the DISCONNECTION, but when we don't make the effort to RECONNECT when needed!

People often misunderstand that in order to have a good date night, it must be well planned, elaborate or expensive. While all of these things can contribute to amazing date nights, they are not necessary to having some of the best dates of your life. You will find that the best date nights don't rely on what you DO on them, as much as what you FEEL from them. We need to feel CONNECTED to each other. And when we feel connected we feel happier and more secure in our relationship. Here are 10 ways you can be sure to connect on date night:

1. Touching. Let me start by saying that it is not a true date night without touching each other. Hold hands, touch their back, give their leg a squeeze, lean in for a kiss, the possibilities are endless.

2. Meaningful Conversation. Put your phones away and focus on each other! In a world where texting is becoming the dominant way to communicate, chances for a one on one conversation are more important than ever! If you need help, you can always google conversations starters, like my 50 random questions found HERE.
3. Take turns doing what the other person loves to do. You may not love going to a sporting event or you might despise the idea of taking a cooking class together, but if you know your spouse would thoroughly enjoy this, then let yourself find out why!! Not only might you learn something new from your spouse, but they will feel more connected to you, knowing you care about the things they love.
4. Planning. I don't mean spending hours working up the perfect date. But just enough thought into it to make sure you are not falling back on what is easiest and most convenient. It might even be fun taking turns deciding what you're going to do for date night.
5. Touch each other! PS: there are no rules on PDA when you are married. Who cares if it bothers other people, you are trying to connect with your lover!
6. Try new things. Get out of your comfort zone. We know you love the rolls at Texas Roadhouse, or that you crave the Tomato Basil Soup at Zupas. But it's not going to hurt you to go somewhere NEW. New foods and places not only stimulate new taste buds, but new growth! It may not be a wonderful experience every time, but it will at least give you something to talk about!
7. Simplify. No need to be elaborate. Go out to eat and then stop at a park and play cards on a blanket. Or take the game home in front of the fire with drinks on a chilly evening. The phrase "go big or go home" does not apply to date night.
8. Did I mention touching? Heck, find a place to park and do it in the back seat. You'd be surprised what this will do for your connection. ;)
9. Wake Up! Yes, we all start to feel older as the years go by. And yes, we might like to be in bed by 9:30pm, but shake it off! Stop thinking about how tired you are and let yourself feel alive again and have fun!
10. Feel the love. Take a moment to look at your wife or husband and remember what you love about them. Just a second to REALLY look at them and ENJOY being there with them. It's easy to become SO comfortable in our relationship that we stop thinking about how truly blessed we are to be with the person we love. Be thankful and feel free to mention it. Or even better, show them through touch. ;)

"Bottom line is, marriage is HARD"

2013-11-07T12:55:00.001-07:00

Let me start by saying I watch a lot of tv and movies on Netflix. I work on the computer a lot and I used to like to listen to music while I did that, or while I cleaned the house, but now I like to watch shows. haha So I kind of watch whatever jumps out at me, or peaks my curiosity.

I came upon The Kids Are Alright and I was curious about it mainly because I liked all the actors, but also because it had been nominated for an Oscar for best picture and won the Golden Globe for best picture in 2011.

Honestly... I didn't love it. It was ok, but I probably won't ever watch it again or recommend it. I give it a 2.5 out of 5 stars. BUT there were a few "moments" that stood out to me that I wanted to share.

One of the main characters had an affair and everyone in the house was upset with her and giving her the cold shoulder and finally when she couldn't take it anymore, she stands in front of her family and says:

"Bottom line is, marriage is hard. It's really freaking hard. It's just two people sloggin through the crap, year after year, getting older, changing. It's a freaking marathon, ok? So sometimes, you know, you're together so long, you stop seeing the other person and just see weird projections of your own junk. Um, instead of talking to each other, you go off the rails and act grubby and make stupid choices. Which is what I did, and I feel sick about it because I love you guys, and I love your mom, and that's the truth. Sometimes you hurt the ones you love the most. I don't know why."

A few things rang true to me in that speech.

First, that marriage IS hard. And anyone who says it isn't is either lying or has amnesia.

Second, it is just a fact that we are all going to change as the years pass. We learn, we grow, we become different people almost. Some more than others. But this is SO important to realize in a marriage because we don't need to be afraid of changes, but we do need to acknowledge and accept them and figure out how to work around them.

Third, when you are with someone for so long, it's easy to get stuck in the same mundane routine day after day and we start to lose sight of what is important in a marriage. Yes, the mundane routine is probably unavoidable if you are human. BUT You don't have to only have vanilla ice cream every single day! While vanilla ice cream MUST be eaten every day, it doesn't mean you can't throw some different toppings on here and there to spice it up a little! Catch my drift?

Fourth, the WORST thing you can do when the above three things are happening is to keep your thoughts to yourself. You must TALK to each other!! Talk about what's hard. Talk about the changes you are feeling. Talk about what's missing from your marriage. Talking will help you to CONNECT again and to make sure that you don't "go off the rails and make stupid choices."

And lastly, stupid choices are probably inevitable for everyone. Nobody is perfect. Nobody knows how to be in a perfect marriage. For some darned reason, we DO hurt the ones we love the most. You don't know how many times I've asked myself WHY?!! WHY would we do such things that break our loved ones in two? We just do. So the best we can do is pick ourselves up and keep trying. Learn from the stupid choices and try your hardest to not let it happen again.

I did like how the movie ended. The couple decided to stay together and work on what they had. Hopefully they were able to learn from their stupid choices and continue to love each other and live life to the fullest and find happiness again. I think that's what we all hope for ourselves, don't you think?

On a positive note

2013-08-18T07:00:00.000-06:00

Again, I'm sorry for being so depressing this last while!

And again, no one is probably listening, but I still feel the need to apologize.

Now that I got all that out, I felt the need to let you know that we have come a long way in the last year, my husband and I.

One year later I feel like he loves me 100%.

One year later I feel like I love him 100%.

One year later I am finding things that make me happy and trying to focus on them.

One year later I am feeling like my husband and I are better friends than we ever have been our entire marriage.
One year later I feel like we have a deep, emotional connection that we've never had before

One year later I feel like I can turn to my husband for comfort and know he will be there for me.

One year later I feel like I am important, that I am needed, that I am loved

One year later I feel like we actually made it through the hell that we went through
One year later I can say that I'm thankful that we have made it through this.

One year later I can say that I will be loved by this man for the rest of eternity.

So things may not be all the way better

But there are plenty of things to be thankful for

I was trying to think what kind of picture I would add to this post

and I thought of a sunrise.

As I searched for one I liked

I remembered one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies of all time

Pride and Prejudice

I wanted to share it with you.

I particulary love the music in the first minute or so

while her love is walking towards her

and I love that throughout the scene the sun is rising.

I'm sorry I'm such a nerd, but here is the scene

Thanks for listening

My world shattered

2013-08-16T08:00:00.000-06:00

Well, I can now say it's been ONE YEAR since my world shattered.

One year since I found out my husband had fallen in love with one of my friends.

One year since my heart was broken into so many pieces that I'm not sure I've gotten them all back yet.

One year since I felt like I didn't want to live anymore.

I don't have the full story of that dreadful day anywhere on here and as it is on my mind, maybe writing it down will help to purge it from my thoughts:

The affair started with a harmless text. My husband knew HER because she was in our ward. Over the few years that we lived here, our families became friends and would often do activities together. I enjoyed time with just HER for girls nights and my husband was also good friends with her husband. Our kids got along and would often play together. My husband and HER both enjoyed running, and so that one thing in common got the talking started. The only problem is that they both kept their conversations secret from their spouses. Over a month's time, there were over 4000 texts shared, 8 long phone conversations (40-100 min each), 6 meetings in person, 2 kisses, and they decided that they fell in love.

During the month that the affair went on, SHE was always contacting me, setting up playdates or inviting my husband and I to do things. SHE even had the audacity to start planning a couples trip for us. I thought that SHE just really considered me a good friend. Boy was I stupid. I was also noticing that my husband kept picking small fights with me over small things, which gave him an excuse to go for a walk or bike ride or drive. When it neared the end, I wrote in my journal about how uneasy I was feeling about how he was acting. I told myself I'd have to follow him the next time he went out. I even asked him if something else was going on and he would just say no and even hug me and tell me he was sorry to have worried me. On a separate note, I started getting bugged by HER and all the time we were spending together, but never did it cross my mind that SHE and my husband were sneaking around together.

They knew that things were going too far. I was noticing something was wrong, and so did HER husband. SHE said her husband was discovering the truth. She needed to tell him everything and asked my husband what she should tell him (basically a question of are they leaving their spouses or not) and my husband said "I can't do that to 6 kids". And so they said goodbye and had no more contact there after.

The day he told me, it was just like any other day. Did some gardening, ran to the store, etc I was so happy and excited that day, as we were having people over for a barbeque.

At 12:40, I got a text from him saying "check your email and then call me". I checked the computer and there was an email from him with the title "Email seems to be our best form of communication.". But the email was BLANK. That was weird. For some reason I started to get a knot in my stomach. I called him and told him the email was blank. He said, "What? Are you sure? That's weird. Well, I'm going to have to just read it to you then". I FROZE, although I was confused, I knew this couldn't be good. He began to read:

Elizabeth,

I know I'm a coward for emailing instead of talking to you. This seems to be our best way to communicate. But still...you have to know this.

I know why you've been feeling weird about ***. It's because of me. You were right when you said we were getting too attached. Over the last month, I've been having deep conversations with *** over text, and a few phone calls. We fell in love and I know that sucks and it's not right...

[PAUSE STORY: At this point, I started screaming "nooooooooo!!!!! no! no! no!" Into the phone]

...This is the reason I've been going for walks and bike rides at weird times...

[PAUSE STORY: yelling, "no! no! no! I KNEW IT! I KNEW something was wrong! nooooo!!!" (histerical sobbing)]

...to get away to think and to communicate with ***. I'm so sorry for betraying you like this. Nothing happened physically between *** and me.

[PAUSE STORY: I found out later that that was not completely true. They had met up at least 6 times and kissed twice]

It was Monday when we shut it down, and it is over. She told her husband Monday night. And I haven't dared to talk to you about it. I don't have any contact with *** any more. Part of me wants to keep this from you to keep you from hurting. Maybe I shouldn't tell you. But I can't not tell you. I'm tired of hurting you. That's all I do, continually throughout our whole marriage. I'm not a good person. My truth is what hurts you because my truth is crappy.

I love you "Elizabeth", and that will never change. But I have to stop hurting you. You're better off without me "Elizabeth". Nobody is better off with me. I just can't face hurting you anymore. I don't know what to do. You deserve so much more and better than the kind of person I am.

I'm so sorry. I love you.

When he finished, the only sounds were of me sobbing and yelling. I don't even think I heard the last half of the letter. All I knew is that my life as I knew it was over. I couldn't believe that this was happening. I canceled our barbeque and anything else that I could.

I wrote a long email to HER. It was a very spur of the moment rant about how could she do this, I thought she was my friend, someone has to move now, this can't work living in the same neighborhood, our kids will never play together again, I'm upset, hurt, angry, etc....I just wanted to punch her and yell at her.

Anyway, when my husband got home, I couldn't even look at him. I had stopped crying by then and just walked around the house aimlessly, putting things away, just trying to keep my hands busy. Every now and then I would ask a question like "What day did it start?", "So it was going on during our date with so and so?", etc. I felt the need to put the pieces of my life together during the month that the affair was going on.

I stated that we have to go to counseling, and he agreed to go. So I called to make an appointment, hoping for one right that second. But the soonest we could get in was in a week. I was so upset by this. I know we needed guidance through this mess and a week felt like a year.

I remember blurting out things like "what do you MEAN you fell in love? You can't fall in love in a matter of FOUR weeks. It can't really be love. It had to have just been an infatuation, right? " and he responded "maybe" and I would continue..."WHAT in the world did you talk about all that time that led to you falling in love? What did you talk about????". He couldn't really answer....religion, politics, etc.   I was dumbfounded.

At this point, my husband was very responsive to me. He seemed sincerely sorry and that he wanted to be there for me. He let me ask my questions, even though he appeared frustrated having to answer them. Especially since he didn't really know how to answer some of them. He didn't remember EXACTLY which day it started, etc. And the more questions I asked the more frustrated he got until he blurted out, "I don't know, Elizabeth. This is really hard, ok! I know I did a terrible thing. Do we really have to hash out every detail?"

When he shut me down, I recoiled like a wounded creature. Looking back, I should have stood my ground and asked him whatever questions I darn well pleased. But I felt like I couldn't. And it made me angrier.

We went around the house like zombies the rest of the day...taking care of the kids/house, etc.  I took a bath and he put the kids to bed.    He suggested I take some IB Profin PMs to sleep and I did. But I woke up early and just started to cry. He rubbed my back and said he's sorry.

I got up and said it might help to just get some things done and keep my mind off of everything.  So he hopped right on that and proceeded to help whip the house into shape and clean out the garage, etc. Late afternoon he suggested he go pick up some take out Chinese and maybe we can watch a movie later. I felt good that he wanted to do these things for me and spend time with me.

But all day I had just been feeling like something doesn't make sense. How can two people fall in love and not have ANY physical contact, which is what he led me to believe. I texted HER and asked her to tell me what they did. She claimed that she cared about my marriage and thinks any details should come from my husband, but she felt for me and because she knew I was probably assuming the worst, she assured me that it did not even come close to that.

So right away I called him and said that I KNEW there was something he wasn't telling me and I needed him to tell me or I was going to go to HER and get the answers. He was quiet for a long time until he finally said, "We kissed twice." I FREAKED out. And this new information makes things WAY deeper than it was. Right away I said that he needs to go in to see our bishop.

And that is when HE freaked out. Saying he'll do whatever he feels the need to do and basically it is not my place to say whether he needs to go in to talk to the bishop. I got so mad I hung up on him.

He came home and went into a guest room and BROKE DOWN. He was screaming and crying about how SHE changed his life and how now he knows what love really is and about how horrible I've been and how he stayed with us 95% because of the kids. This went on for some time. MANY very hurtful things were said and I realized that I did not know this person anymore. I was so scared. Scared he was going to leave me. Scared that I didn't want to live without him. And so I kept my mouth shut from then on out.  He was in an "affair fog" for quite some time...and so I just kept quiet, but kept the house clean and running as normal.  Maybe better than normal. Until finally, over the next several months, he slowly came out of it and as we work on our marriage, we have come leaps and bounds. But boy, did that feel like I went through Hell.

In talking about it recently, my husband feels like the whole thing was completely stupid and that I am the person he wants to be with and he is so grateful for the 2nd chance I've given him and that he loves that I'm his wife. He tells me he doesn't want anyone else and that he is in this to help me heal and to help us get through this. And so we also continue our counseling.

I've had a lot of trauma, not only from the affair actually happening, but from the way SHE was with me for that month during the affair, AND then on top of it all, having to hear my husband mourn his loss of HER until he came to his senses. It has been a long road, but things are MUCH better than they were a year ago. But I am still navigating through the pain, hurt and anger from it all, as you can tell from my most recent posts. :(

Crying

2013-08-15T22:05:00.000-06:00

Not that anyone is listening, but I'm having a super hard time right now.

Wishing my best friend lived closer so that she could come over and keep me company for a bit.
(or egg the other woman's house or SOMETHING!)

My husband is out of town tonight and tomorrow marks the one year since the affair.

Needless to say, I'm a bit of a wreck.

Not really wanting to be alone, but at the same time, I'm going to be ok.

I just can't seem to quit crying.

All this week, with my husband gone, I have put the kids to bed and start crying

Yes, I try to clean up a bit and so I'm just wandering around the house, a sobbing mess as I try to get things done.

I just can't quit crying

Almost took her cookies....

2013-08-13T08:47:00.000-06:00

One year ago today was the day that SHE and my husband ended their affair. Of course, I didn't know anything about that until 4 days later. And it ended because HER husband found some of their texts. And so they knew it had to end. As far as I knew, my husband went to work that day. It was a Monday. And he did. But he drove all the way back, close to home, around lunchtime to meet with HER to say goodbye. Apparently they felt they needed to do that in person. SHE moved in for a goodbye kiss (which totally pisses me off. You were ending it for F-ing sakes! She just couldn't help herself). And off they went. They still communicated throughout the day, staying updated on what HER husband knew, etc.

Meanwhile, in my own little bubble, I was also communicating with HER because she was supposed to come to our house that night for short meeting, as we were planning for an event coming up. WHAT????!!!!!!! So there she was....just kissed my husband and proclaimed her love and sadness for ending their affair hours earlier....and she shows up on my door step for this meeting. Smiling, laughing, and chatting with me and the other ladies that were there in my family room. My husband even walked in for a bit to say hello. This whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach. How could they be so insensitive?? How could they be so stupid!? They must have just needed to see each other one last time. Because that WAS the last time they saw each other. Hope it was worth the trauma I now have of the memories of that night.

The next day, SHE sent an email out, canceling the event that we had just had a meeting for and everyone was shocked! It was happening so soon and so something big must have happened for her to feel like she had to cancel! I was feeling so bad! I couldn't stop talking about it to my husband, that I was going to make her cookies and take them over. Or that I was sure it might be that her husband had an affair and I felt so bad for her!! I couldn't stop thinking about it or talking about it. Little did I know, it got canceled because her husband found everything out that night after the meeting. And little did I know it was HER that had an affair. With MY husband!!!!!!!!!!??????????????? WHAT?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To this day, it is just so hard for me to understand WHY??!!!! Why did this happen? HOW???!!!! How could my husband hurt me this way? How could my good friend of 3 years do this to me???!!!! She was in the relief society presidency for crying out loud!!!! They are supposed to look after the other women in the ward!! Not sneak around with their husbands!!!!

Anyway, of course my worrying for her went on for days until finally I think it just added to my husband's guilt. I can still see his face when I told him I thought her husband had an affair. A face that I can't really describe, but that is engrained in my memory. I don't know for sure that he would have ever told me about the affair if the end hadn't unraveled in this way, but I think the guilt was too much and he couldn't keep it in. As much as I wish I never knew about any of this, I'm SO glad he stopped me before I took her the damn cookies.

A freaky journal entry....

2013-08-12T15:42:00.000-06:00

A year ago today my husband picked a fight with me about how I schedule activities. He was upset that we would be missing the annual ward barbeque to go to the lake with my family. He claimed he was more upset that I didn't talk to him about it first, because most likely he would also agree that family is more important than the ward barbeque, but he was so upset that he stated he needed to "get out of here" and proceeded to hook his bike up to the back of the van. I confronted him and asked "Is there something else going on?" I knew that this behavior was not usual for him. But he told me, "No, there's nothing going on" and I watched him drive away to go on a bike ride.

Several alarms went off in my body.

#1 He had never picked a fight with me about something so trivial before, and it has been happening a lot the last few weeks
#2 He had never left the family at home and gone on a bike ride on a Sunday
#3 He was gone for longer than his usual bike ride.

This is the last time I wrote in my journal before finding out about the affair 5 days later and this is what I wrote while he was out on his ride:

"He has been doing things out of the ordinary. Like just taking off on a walk by himself. One night, with the kids in bed, I suggested I go with, but he insisted it wouldn't be good to leave the kids home alone (even though we have done that several times before to watch a movie with our friends in their basement). Or just today, Sunday, he took off on a bike ride after church. He stopped to sit at a park he says and was gone almost 2 hours!! Another night he ran to the store to grab some Ibprofin PMs and it took longer than it should have and he explained that he stopped at a park for a bit.

Well, I'm sorry, but past experiences do not help my questioning if he is being honest. I just have thoughts cross my mind that he is meeting up with someone. It makes me sick to my stomach and when he takes off like that, all I can think about are these things.

I think he is stressed out about work, and I hope that is all it is, but seriously I feel like I have to follow him next time he goes out! Blah!!!!! I hate having these feelings!!!!!"

Well, needless to say, I wouldn't have a chance to follow him because they ended it the next day, but I didn't find out until later in the week. Now I know he was meeting HER that day and found an excuse to get out of the house. And that he was probably upset about my planning because it meant that he wouldn't have a chance to see HER at the ward barbeque.

Again, I am haunted by those feelings, WISHING so bad that I had followed him on that bike ride and caught him in the act!!! I kick myself over and over for being so SO stupid. To not see what was really going on. And despite all those feelings I was having, I never ONCE suspected it was my friend that he might be meeting up with. I feel so stupid that I tried so hard to push my feelings aside and give him the benefit of the doubt. That I was trying so hard to TRUST him. Trust that he would never do such a thing. That it most likely was just stress.

I feel like a fool

And now it is a trigger whenever he says he is going on a bike ride, or on a run. And I HATE that those are triggers because he feels better all around when he is active and feeling healthy. So I want him to be able to go and get his exercise. But I HATE that he used that to get away to see HER.

Haunted

2013-08-10T15:20:00.000-06:00

A year ago today, the other woman watched my kids for me while I went to work. I wouldn't really call it work, it's more like my hobby. But I had to leave and she was so nice (sarcasm) to watch my kids for me. I would be able to come and get them and have a 2 hour break before I had to go back and she was so nice (sarcasm) to invite our family over to dinner because "she wanted me to be able to relax and not stress about cooking for my family". How NICE (sarcasm) of her!

Well, we get there, and lo and behold, her husband happened to get called out to work. So there she was sitting at the kitchen table smack in between my husband and I while all our kids played and laughed outside. We talked about what we might do on our couples trip to St. George in a few weeks and talked and laughed. The time came that I had to go back to work. I felt bad pulling the kids away and felt bad that I was leaving my husband alone to take care of the kids and so I let him stay there, but told him to leave in 30 minutes and was very firm about that, as I had uneasy feelings about leaving him there alone with her. But I was confident he would leave asap.

As I drove home from my job, I called to say I was on my way home and found out instead of staying 30 more minutes, he stayed TWO HOURS! I had a pit in my stomach. I was angry at first, but it quickly subsided because DUH! Of course nothing happened between them! Why would I even think such a thing. She was my friend. Why was I being so weird!!

Now that I know what was going on at that time, I feel sick to my stomach about that day. It was towards the end of their time together, so by that time, they had shared almost 4000 texts, met up over 6 times, shared hundreds of minutes together on the phone, kissed and told each other that they loved each other.

I am haunted by our smiles and conversations at that dinner table and for a long while I could not work any more. Because if I were to be away doing that same kind of work, all I could think about was that night. And how I felt so happy and content doing something I love, while the husband that I loved was supporting me while I did it. I am haunted by the feelings I had when I found out her husband was not going to be there. Everything inside me screamed to GET OUT! But the nice person in me gave them both the trust that nothing would happen. Little did I know, something already WAS happening.

Looking back, I remember feeling like her house was a dirty mess and that the dinner (gross, cheap hot dogs) was sickening, but of course I looked past that because friends don't judge friends. But no more of those cheap and gross rubbery hot dogs for me. I'm only going beef hot dogs from here on out!