So Saucy

STFU

2014-03-30T10:30:00.001-04:00

Omg, the 15 min ride to get brunch is killing me cause people won't shut the fuck up. I swear to god I won't survive.

Rethinking the worth of brunch.

Silver Sprung is an official metropolitan zone

2014-03-30T09:04:00.000-04:00

How do I know? Because you know you are in the city when there is a high ratio of craziness. Legit, I just saw three crazy dudes in the span of 5 minutes in less than two blocks of each other.
1. A guy with a paint bucket of window washing tools on the corner talking to himself.
2. Another guy near the same corner having a conference call with the residents of Crazitown and he wasn't on a phone. I am secretly happy that I can't read lips.
3. The last guy was combing the Safeway (the irony is not lost upon me) parking lot in a neon traffic vest holding a red battery or gas canister like item waiting for people to talk to, sucker or murder.

He actually must've known I was writing about him because he crossed by my car twice. I took a quick pic for your pleasure and high tailed outta there.

I'm a prude

2014-03-11T22:57:00.002-04:00

I guess cause I don't think it's okay for your kid to have sex in the basement when adults are around (or at all). No, you are not a brilliant mastermind covering up your tracks with girly fragrance while watching tv under a bunch of blankets. I might make an exception if said deviant has a job and surely wouldn't give two f*cks if they didn't live here. But alas.

Actually I'm a prude because it's not acceptable unless your kid is out of college or has a job and is married to that person. That's just what I think.

Plus we know the most fertile folks are not necessarily the smartest ie: Walmart, Piggaly Wiggaly. And with my luck....these fools will have quintuplets.

da doooobie

2014-02-17T20:43:00.001-05:00

So I noticed rearview lights in the driveway and popped out to see who was there. Said person heard the snow crunch and was like "hello?".

I thought maybe this person didn't have keys to get in so I opened the front door and was consumed by the smokey smell of some illicit greenery. Seriously if I had to take a drug test tomorrow I might fail because the smell was sooooo strong. It must've came from the car cause the said person was nearly on the other side of the road, I asked if he had keys and he was like "umm I'm on the phone". So proceeded to close and lock the door.

Fml.

Snowtacular Catastrophe

2014-02-14T17:54:00.000-05:00

I am so sorry to have to tell you that I think it's armageddon. The worst thing that could have possibly happened other than the zombie apocalypse is here. NOW. It's not enough to be trapped at home. or possibly lose power. or that it's cold and snowy.

or you ran out of milk...

The snow storm delayed Girl Scout cookies.

WHY!!??? Anything but the cookies.

and speaking of new years resolutions

2014-01-30T17:16:00.001-05:00

It makes me feel good that even "d" level celebrities fall off the wagon.

Typically after a breakup I lose weight and go bananas at the gym. I just like the endorphins and really want to punch people so working out helps. But some people after a breakup go the opposite direction like Jason Trawick who used to be engaged to Britney Spears.

The image on the right is the after picture. Poor guy. Maybe he's going to do celebrity fitness and he will get the last laugh.

2014-01-28T13:39:00.001-05:00

holy guacamole.

I just saw the Creigh Deeds interview about his mentally ill son that stabbed him and then killed himself. While I feel sorry that Mr. Deeds was attacked, lost his son and his son was mentally ill I am not surprised that his son didn't get the help he needed. It's clear that Mr. Deeds loved his son dearly.

It is also clear that he is in a bit of denial regarding this young man having issues (the quote about the health care professional indicating that his son thought he was a demi god.... hello?!!!). Deeds said that his son was the perfect son, typically perfect children do not attack and attempt to kill their parents. I dunno. I also suspect if other people that knew his son including teachers were interviewed a couple of 'black spots' would appear on his "perfect" past. Generally speaking, it's a rarity that a normal person would go off the deep end. There are indicators and clues along the way that hint and eventually diagnose mental illness. Even if he got the help he needed (Mr. Deeds is blaming the VA healthcare for failing his son), what if his son had to be medicated and stopped taking his medication? Who's fault would it be if he went crazy and shot up a school? The NRA? The doctor? The pharmacist? His parents or a restaurant for not forcing him to take his medicine with his food?

As a society, we need to get a grip on the concept of ACCOUNTABILITY. There are mitigating circumstances and sometimes background experience that influences someone's behavior but in the end, the choice is yours. If your mentally ill son decides to stab you, it's his choice, he is responsible and should be held accountable. I wonder if Mr. Deeds was in denial about his son having issues when he was younger and that in turn took it longer for his son to be diagnosed? Who's fault would that be?

Holiday spirit

2014-01-11T22:37:00.001-05:00

The last time I was at the mall (before the holidays) I had to get PG on someone.

I know it's a dog eat dog world when it comes to parking around the holidays but if I'm on the right hand side with my right turn signal on, sitting there waiting on a parking space... And said car had to go around me because I am not moving, got the turn signal on cause I'm waiting for these people to move out of the spot.

The culprit was parallel to me as though they would make a left turn or go around me. Instead the teenage daughter jumps out to ask the people (that I've been waiting to leave), if they are leaving. They said yes and she stands in front of the space.

Since I was in the right lane I parked in front of her and asked her what she was doing. I then proceed to explain the protocols of holiday parking and spoke to her mother. What the hell is wrong with people?

Thank god I didn't install that gamma ray on my car. I would be annihilating people left and right.

Old school memory at the asylum

2014-01-03T23:17:00.001-05:00

Remember when you were a kid and popped off to your dad and you came home drunk and high and cops had to be called and you went for an emergency psych eval then three days later was chilling with your pops talking about how you should go snowboarding (courtesy of someone else since you haven't had a job for a year)?

Yeah, I don't remember that either cause if that were me I would've had my ass beat and would be living on the streets. I suspect you might have had the same experience.

I am living on Main Street in Crazytown. This is some bullshit. I swear when I read this it sounds like some crazy sci fi shit, it can't possibly be real. But it is.

New Years resolution

2013-12-29T15:39:00.000-05:00

That little heifer told me to suck her dick. Yep. Loud and proud in front of another adult in public, like she lost her mind.

So, I'm gonna keep it simple this year. Forget losing weight (ok, not exactly but it's on the back burner). Screw being a better person because that hasn't gotten me anywhere. Instead all I want to do is NOT go to jail. Seriously, this is my only resolution.

I hope I can make it....

Skin tone tights is a DON'T

2013-11-17T21:54:00.002-05:00

This should be pretty self explanatory for obvious reasons:
1. You will look buck ass naked
2. Buck ass naked in public is a pretty bad idea for 98% of the population (author included)
3. Skin tone tights show all sort of cottage cheese
4. eWwwwee

Karma, what if it's a bunch of lies??!!

2013-11-17T21:44:00.002-05:00

I've often wondered what if the whole concept of good vs evil, karma and bitches get their just desserts is a lie.

I mean what if that IS true?

I've witnessed many a messed up things and seen shitastic people succeed or jump ahead in life. I HAVE to think good people prevail and assholes get what's coming to them otherwise I'd be stabbing bitches and pick pocketing folks.

This is my long overdue tirade as I've witnessed a blessing to quite possibly one of the most ungrateful, spoiled, ignorant and kinda racist persons I've EVER met. Instead of being humbled and appreciative they are convinced they are the bomb diggity.

The world needs another asshole like Donald Trump needs a nickel.

Awkward Holiday dinner avoided

2013-09-16T16:39:00.000-04:00

if you were Liam Hemsworth's family!

I'm sure they are breathing a sigh of relief at the news of his and Miley Cyrus unengagement. Can you imagine the conversation with his grandparents and her passing the gravy? MUAHhahahah

I shudder to think.

no really, I shudder. I mean. Ewwwww.

Zombie Outbreak Vehicles

2013-07-12T12:47:00.000-04:00

Holy mother trucker, on my way to work I saw a truck with stickers, neon green zombie blood and weapons. I wished I stopped and took a picture, it was freakin awesome!!!

So I googled it and can't believe how many people trick out their cars. It's crazy.

I wanna live

2013-07-10T15:55:00.002-04:00

yeah.... in case I needed additional fodder for my "do not fly to list", this article pretty much sealed the deal on Honduras.

Mexico has been on the list for years - you know with the decapitations and kidnappings.

I think it's a solid idea to say that any country on the Dept of State "Do Not Travel List" and possible areas around said countries are automatically included in my poo poo to you list. Honestly, any place that requires Kidnapping Insurance sucks.

Windshield curse

2013-07-03T17:35:00.001-04:00

Holy Fuck! I am cursed. Third time a rock has hit my windshield and cracked it in a year.

Let's think about those odds.
Of all the people in the DMV, that drive to work about 2 hours a days approximately 192 days a year. Or 384 hours a year or around 16 solid days of my life per year..... and I'm the lucky mother fucker that gets a broken windshield..... not once, but THREE times.

Really, can't we just transfer a portion of that craptastic luck over to winning the lottery or something? I could really do some evi.. "good" with that money and save small animals and orphan shoes.

DC has the worst traffic

2013-07-03T00:45:00.001-04:00

It's true. Perhaps it's not the worst in the nation but its up there. See..... And some studies have said the DC commute is the worst.

I was driving home today and I swear every student driver and their 80 year old grandmother was out driving. On top of that, everyone in the DMV decided it would be a great time to hit the road at the same time so there was bumper to bumper traffic on the beltway for a solid ass 40 minutes no joke and there wasn't a broken down car or accident in sight.

I almost flipped the fuck out. Really. If I'm sitting in traffic that ain't moving, on a road with no stop light there better be a good ass reason. I'm talking a circus parade or some shit. On the bright side, at least it was going home and not going to work.

Snowden, you flaming piece of shit

2013-06-25T15:13:00.001-04:00

I hate you and would be willing to stand in line and not sleep for a couple days (like I was waiting for a concert) to have the chance to kick you in the kidneys and see you pee blood.

Especially now that you are in Russia. Hey, Putin, funny how a few hours ago your PR people were indignant about the US saying that Snowden was there and Russia was denying it. Because god forbid relations with you guys get any worse (Pot, Kettle black....)

assholes.

Speaking of, check out the quote from Putin:

Noting the United States and Russia do not have an extradition agreement, Putin said Snowden can't be turned over to U.S. authorities and has committed no crimes on Russian soil.

But he also said Russian security forces have not been "working with" Snowden and expressed hope that the incident would not "affect the cordial nature of our relations with the U.S."

That's a first, I didn't know the relationship with our countries were considered cordial. I mean the US worked with Russia about a month ago with the Boston bombing. But Russian authorities aren't willing to extradite Snowden... I wonder if it has anything to do with any secret information he divulged or the fact that our countries are friendemies. That shit is more blatant than the fake ass wig Amanda Byrnes wears.

Regardless, this situation is bullshit. This guy is a chuckle head, he's like a big dumbass kid that is starving for attention. Now he's saying that he fully intended to gather and disclose information from the get go. He's also communicating with Julian Assange (Wikileaks founder) who is in an Ecuadorian embassy in London to avoid extradition on sexual charges. Two weaselling assholes chalk full of delusion. They should share a cell together. I hope they both die a slow, painful itchy in the underparts death.

Fairy tales

2013-06-19T01:33:00.001-04:00

1. Maybe the Evil Queen wasn't so evil.
2. Maybe Snow White was a little hussy delinquent that got in all kinda of trouble and did all sorts of unsavory things. (She hangs out in the woods with 7 men, 'talks' to animals... for all you know she was eating wild mushrooms)
3. What if Snow White killed her mother and perhaps her dad was a love blinded fool (I mean he married the evil queen).
4. What if the Queen was trying to be a responsible role model, teach her about properly fitting into society and Snow White was a spoiled ego centric entitled a-hole?

I think truth is stranger than fiction. And that a new version of the story needs to be told. Don't even get me started on Hansel and Gretel trespassing committing B&E to that little old lady that wanted to be left alone. Assholes.

Traitors

2013-06-18T14:54:00.000-04:00

Today's rant is fueled by PMS and my disdain for Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker, national traitor and delusional extraordinaire.

I get being idealistic, young and foolish - to a degree. Go work at a CO-OP, join the Peace Corp or go to Lalapalooza.... . But don't put national security at risk. Especially for citizens of the fine fucking country that your family/friends currently reside in. Yes, the very country that you grew up in, that gave you the opportunity to make something of yourself and provide you with a podium to rant about freedom of speech. NOTE: It's ironic that he is leaking information in a foreign country that monitors their citizens internet, phone calls and movement (Hong Kong/China) and is willing to entertain discussions with Russia and other 3rd world countries that DO NOT have freedom of fucking speech.

asshole.

As far as I'm concerned, Snowden is a traitor and fit to be tied and quartered. I look forward to authorities finding his corpse in an alley.

Thongs - a modern day torture device

2013-05-20T19:10:00.001-04:00

That moment you go to the bathroom cause you realize all of a sudden you are going to pee yourself and when you remove your undies it feels as though you waxed your taint.

HOLY Mother of GOD!

It hurts like a son of a gun.

Mental note burn this pair of undies and spend the extra $$ for some bamboo or modal shit.

Sweatband headband

2013-05-15T20:52:00.001-04:00

I might be the person bringing this back in style.

For reeelz

My eyes are stinging like a son of a gun

Reality TV Shocker

2013-05-01T15:58:00.002-04:00

I don't want to be Capt Obvious... but I can't say people shouldn't be surprised by this.

Yes, you read correctly: Teen Mom (one of the trashy hoes on that craptastic MTV reality show) tries to become a porn star. One word:

SHOCKER.

Hey girlie girl, maybe you should put aside some of that reality tv money for therapy to deal with your whacked out daddy issues or invest in some saving bonds for your kid instead of being a crackhead.

On other bitchtastic fronts, what is the dealio with Amanda Bynes? Poor thing, she's s l o w l y
becoming a role model of desperateness. If you google her the first top items are:

This chick isn't crying for attention, she's pratically SHOUTING for it. It's sad, since the beginning of the year she's made a series of crazy unhinged acts after another.

It's a train wreck, but I can't look away.

Hey Bitches.. it's Friday & it's April.... when did that happen??!

2013-04-12T18:21:00.001-04:00

Seriously, it's nearly tax day and I could've sworn that the year just began.

Honestly... I may have just vacuumed the house from the last hoorah. Regardless, we are nearly 1/3 of the way through the year!! How does that happen? I think I was sober but alas.

So tell me, how are your new year's resolutions coming along?

Mine is good - I kept it base and simple (so I won't be sorely disappointed at the end of the year). "Have not been arrested for assaulting anyone". Yay! me, operation aim low - score high wins again.

AND I found my best friend.

Rocker dude

2013-04-08T13:00:00.003-04:00

I'm in awe of this guy.
He's totally rocking out.
and what's better???

I think this is in DC. I wish I was there.