The Glamorous Life

I think I like not working, even if I'm so sick I can't hold down food.

2013-05-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

After experiencing LA, it makes me really wish I was just rich and didn't have to work. Most people think they would get sick of it, but I can say with extreme certainty that I could stand lounging by the pool and having a tv extra/actor named Jonathan as my server, bring me pitchers of mimosas while I survey over the pool and entertain those lucky enough to be close to hear our charades.

I would just live in a cabana at the W everyday.
They do have Truffle Mac and cheese with fried chicken, which, we may be the only girls in La who order such a fattening dish when surrounded by hungry anorexics.

Also staying at the Wilshire Hotel, they have a rooftop pool, smaller than the size of my old pool in GA, but barely larger than the bathtub in the room.

There are a million skinny girls here, but most of them look drugged. I can comissurate as I haven't been able to keep food down since arriving. I actually lost weight even with the booze I consumed. I think it's the real LA diet and understand why Kristen Stewart looks so bored. She cannot eat.

Yet the cast of characters are amazing and fun to people watch like maybe no other place.
I never imagined myself to be a west coast girl, but I "love the Bay just like I love LA."

So I went to Los Angeles...

2013-05-01T18:19:00.002-07:00

And had everything gone smashingly and people would have spent less time running interference for my vagina, there would be some pretty badass pictures and videos to share with you.

But alas, the only one smart enough to make videos of herself drunk, in the bathroom of the club was my cousin Sam, whose ramblings about a "date rape douchebag" who she was sure was feeding us GHB were hilarious.

We arrived in LA late Friday evening and had an hour for four women to get ready. Our room looked like Hiroshima after that and never truly recovered. I brought along a dress I had ordered and long since it arrived, I decided I would not be wearing it, as my vagine was longer. But a funny thing happened on the way, and after I tried on all the options, the crotch baring dress was selected for me by my trusted comrades. At that very moment, I thought we were all just going to agree that we would not try and fight the valiant fight to keep my dress down, since it moved up to belly-button level each time I moved. I just put on some spanx and pretty panties and was ready to "rock out with my cock (ahem, vagine) out.

For the rest of the night, everyone who walked past me pulled my dress down...even total strangers. I still find it funny but slightly disappointing that no one wants to see my crotch anymore. I was apparently hell-bent on it happening, so I am told (I really was GHB'd, bc I have no memory of the end of the night), and I somehow managed to drop my non-26-34-36 inch frame like its hot AND PICK IT BACK UP, multiple times while making out with a tree. This was in between singing for a "music producer" and then sealing the deal with a good ole booby flash, all whilst trying to find Ryan Phillipe and Channing Tatum, who were there.

My grand finale for Friday was when I couldn't get my spanx back on after using the restroom, and so I carried them out, sat on the bench at the entrance to the bar, and tried to resume putting them back on IN PUBLIC.

I swear I only had like 3 drinks that night, but when I woke up Saturday, with one eye rolling lazily open, and down...I realized I was wearing a red dress and pj pants, which was not the dress I had been wearing the night before. I silently crossed myself, turned over, and breathed a sigh of relief when I realized I was in bed alone. Sam woke up to a text from a dude named "Sef" who it took multiple attempts for me to grasp she was saying "SEF" and not the urban slang pronunciation of "Seth". It was actually SEF.

Maybe the best part of Friday night was how I fell about 200 times.

Look, I'm not small. I'm not all rolly-fat, but baby got back, and side and thighs that could strangle a man. So if I wear heels when I'm drinking, at some point or multiple points in the night, this ass will end up on the floor. Or so, as it happens, laying out the table, a la Chris Farley style, in a van down by the river.

With my vagina out.

I will tell you about the rest of the weekend later this week. And at the end of the telling, I will include a photo collage and maybe SAMs "date rape douchbag" video. Look forward to it like fireworks to end the evening at Dianey World.

No, I didn't die. I went to Canada instead.

2013-04-10T10:37:00.001-07:00

So I've been a bad girl.

It's been about a month since I blogged last, mostly because I've been insanely busy at work, ninja-fighting allergies, sickness and general lethargy, and then I had to go to Canada for a week for work.

My boss gets Australia...co-worker gets Uruguay...Keri gets Canada.

And not even somewhere unfamiliar...I got Toronto, which I've already been to a million times. It was f-ing cold. And now, I am sick again.

It's also been a month in which everyone I know seems to be going through a crappy patch, and it stresses me out. When I get stressed, I lose my sense of humor and tend to space out.

Emotional Turmoil ADD, I like to call it.
I also don't like to be touched when I am super-stressed. It feels like knives and is very unwelcome.

However, I have had good news in my life. I got a nice bonus (or will get), I can successfully fit into SOME of the dresses that I bought for my trip to LA (which is a huge achievement since they were made for 12 year old, androgenous bodies, and I would say "my body is banging". Yes, I have a little extra meat, but I'm looking pretty good. And therefore, feeling good.

It's also a year that I've been in California.

Shocking. It's been the fastest year of my life. But I absolutely love living here. The only thing I would change would be my commute...but maybe I will be able to find a place closer to work at some point, especially after my kids are done from high school.

I am so excited about my trip. I lost it for a few days after returning from Canada and feeling like I was going to die. I also unpacked my suitcase the day I got home, which for me, is a sure sign of illness, as my suitcase usually remains full for at least a month after I return from any trip...items randomly picked out as needed. But I know I am going to have to start packing for LA, NJ and PA-my 3 places, 3 purposes in 1 week extravaganza!!!

LA is just a fun girls trip. I cannot freaken wait, and totally hope I see some celebs. Because things like that matter to me. However, with my luck, I would only see someone like Taylor Swift or Kristen Stewart...two celebs I want to bitch-smack.

NJ is a retreat between chaos to one of my BFF's (who I call Waif) abode...a venture into "Lil Italy", where the hoagies are delish and her cooking is amazing. Visiting Waif is as comforting as going to grandma's, as she is very nuturing and helps me figure out my life's issues. I think of it as "a soft place to fall".
I will probably gain 20 lbs while I am there, which I lost mostly for LA.

Then off to PA I go...on a train, offically using all modes of transportation. To my family. And two pregnant sisters in various stages of pregnancy. My first plan is to get a "sister picture" with me in the middle, because it's probably the only time I will ever be thinner than either one of them, let alone at the same time. It's like stacking the deck. lol.

So, that's my month in review and the fun that lies ahead.

I'm ready to break it down.

-K

Total Transformation of your child is BS

2013-03-07T07:11:00.001-08:00

I keep hearing these dumb commercials about ordering "The Total Transformation" for your unruly teen.

I call BULLSHIT.

When I was in 6th grade, and decided I was done doing homework, my parents bought a program with videos called, "Where there's a Will, there's a Way".

The problem was, there was no will. What 6th grader really gives a crap??? So I looked at it, thought, "This is gay" and told my parents good luck, I hope they would learn something.

I have a nagging feeling that were I to present this "Total Transformation" to my children, they would pretty much give me the same reaction. And I would almost be disappointed if they didn't.

Teenagers are a pain in the ass. They are built that way...a steaming ball of hormones and hostility. It's just the way it is. If you have kids and think that you will have any more control over them than your parents had over you, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it ain't gonna happen.

Maybe it's because I am not far away from my kids in age, and I have fresh memories of being a teenager, because somewhere in my head, I think I still am.

But you put your head down, and you get through it.

Andy and I actually find it very funny when they act like total jerks, especially when they start crying because they are mad we said no. If you're going to cry about it, then you are absolutely not mature enough to do what it is you want. And we told our youngest that next time he throws a two-year old tantrum, we are going to video it and slap it on YouTube, and then tag him on Facebook, so that all of his friends can see what a baby he is.

Alternative parenting 101, Step 1: Peer Embarrassment Works

I don't play games. You do wrong, you do chores. I believe in using their bad behavior to create less housework for myself or Andy. If I have to listen to whining, then at least I will have freshly mopped floors.

It's how the universe rights itself.

Bedazzle your vagizzle...

2013-02-24T10:16:00.001-08:00

So, I get my eyelashes done, albeit not regularly..due to my laziness during time off.

I was looking them up online to get their phone number, and found the actual website to the company. So as I was browsing their lines of eye services, I noticed that "bedazzling" was one of the options.

Which spawned the following conversation between Andy and I...

Me: "I wonder what all they bedazzle? Just eyes?"

Andy: "What else WOULD they bedazzle?"

Me: "I don't know, maybe they vagazzle too."

Andy: "What the hell is vag-azzle?"

Me: "Some people get their FUPA's vagazzled. Mostly, porn stars or strippers, I would assume. People aren't going to put rhinestones on places that aren't frequently viewed."

Andy: "I didn't even know there was such a thing. Do men get it done?"

Me: "I can't imagine a large male clientele that would dazzle their crotch...maybe the gays, or a nudist colony for a fancy event, but what would they get? A butterfly wouldn't be appropo for a man, even if he was gay."

Andy: "Maybe a snake? Can they do balls?"

Me: "I don't know if rhinestones can stick to ball skin. It's like chicken skin with the feather holes freshly plucked. Maybe a crown above their little king? I could see men believing their penis deserved crowning."

Andy: "Well, if they COULD do balls, maybe they would just coat the whole thing in rhinestones."

Me: "Well that would just look like a double disco ball. And I am NOT shining a flashlight on it to glisten up the room."

Yes, this is an example of why he is my best friend, and why we try to work through the rough times, because who else can you have discussions like this with?

The Sweet Life...

2013-02-21T09:24:00.001-08:00

I've had a very tiring past few months. I keep wondering when things will slow down.

Have you ever noticed that nothing in life seems to match up perfectly?

You meet someone and like them, but they are in a relationship. Or vice versa.

You have money to travel, but no time.

You get all your work done, and then there is a major crisis that someone else has.

Sometimes, it feels like all work and no play. Or sometimes, you are too tired for play, and just want to lay around on a soft bed and watch mindless tv.

I watched Skyfall last weekend. I am not a huge fan of Daniel Craig playing 007. I prefer Pierce Brosnan. I know that I am in the minority, as Roger Moore and Sean Connery are usually top choices for the role. Don't get me wrong, I love Sean Connery, but I like older Sean Connery. When he was younger, his ears looked really big.

I am planning a trip to LA for a weekend in April. I just want to get away somewhere. And since I am down 25 lbs, and starting to fit back in to my clothes, I found some very hot dresses for the occasion. I asked my cousins to go. I've had it on my bucket list since they were like 10 and I was 20, that when they were old enough to drink, we'd go somewhere fun. I am very close to them. Now they're old enough, and I realized, I am soon going to be 34. I don't want to go out with them when I'm 40 and cougar-ish. Better take advantage of my semi-youth before it floats away like my 20s did.

What do I do?

2013-02-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

For the most part, I feel as though I am living life. Because I am not emotionally entangled with my husband. I love him. As a brother.

Ah...that poses a problem when you're married.

See, my heart is coated in more tombs than Napoleon. Sure, I've had my heart broken before. But it was different. This time, it knocked me unconcious for a year. That's a year I can't get and don't want back. I find myself terrified by the thought of ever becoming in love with anyone ever again.

I've lived by myself. Or, rather, by myself with kids. And I was fine. Except the normal desires, but not able to do anything about it, because I was married. SO I coped.

I was happy being alone.

I am not afraid of it.

I am much more terrified of being married. I don't want to share everything. I don't want to give away those inner emotions.

I can be a great BFF. I can make someone laugh. But I can't have sex with my husband.

I could probably have sex with someone that doesn't matter to me. Which, again, poses a problem when you're married.

I want to stay married to my husband for everything except the sex part, and that means I am not open to being in love.

WHat's worse, is I don't want to fix anything. I want to just do my own thing and ignore it.

But its not working.

Because at the end of the day, it's not fair to either one of us. But he refuses to see that. He just wants me. It's the first time in my life I just don't want to be loved by a man. I just want to be friends. Because its far too painful, and I feel like I've given up so much of myself for him, to save him, that there is just no energy or motivation left for us.

I don't really want to talk about it in marital counseling. But I said I would. To a point. The point where I need to stop because I am feeling that lack of control over my emotions.

There is no answering the question I just asked.

There is no "what do I do?"

No one can answer it except for the two of us.

We are "strange allies with warring hearts" as Dave Matthews so poetically wrote in "The Space Between". I just wish I could leave him waiting for me for when I am ready again. But emotional purgatory is worse than hell, yet we've both suffered through it for almost two years.

I guess I will ignore it for another day.

Epic failure...

2013-02-10T14:48:00.002-08:00

I suck as a blogger lately.

I know. I own it. I've been too busy. I realized yesterday that I've only blogged like 4 times since New Years.

Sorry.

Its not that I am completely uninspired, rather that I am drained of all energy. Largely, it has gone in to work, due to my commute and scope of responsibility.

Also, I've started writing my book and have been trying this week to set aside time to go back and retell my story. It's very frustrating to write for 5 hours nonstop, and realize it amounted to 10 pages. It's going to be a battle for me to stick with it and commit to completing it. I lack discipline when it comes to writing an entire book. I'm at about 17k words, and by what I've researched, I need around 80k.

Okay, well that puts me at page 55, and where the hell is the other 200 pages going to come from???

This is why I never thought I would write a book. I like immediate gratification, and feel like I have enough in me to fill 8 books, but it's difficult to get it out in an outline, and then try to go back 15 years and fill in the story with greater detail.

But, I think I am on to something, so I need to let that motivation carry me.

I did enjoy watching "Vanderpump Rules" this week. I DVR'd the episodes and watched them, and it's so ridiculous to watch these idiots and over-inflated egos, as they work in a restaurant. You would think they are celebrities! It's like, "uh, you're a waitress, so get over yourself."

Most of my television watching is DVR'd so that I can catch up with things, because by the time I get home from work, I take my sleepy time pills and am out within an hour.

This week I also had an epic fail with the diet. I had three days of eating crap. So that's not exactly good either, and even though as of yesterday, I am back on the NutraSystem, I have yet to weigh myself since my collapse in to carb heaven.

I hate failing. Not that anyone likes it. But I think I expect too much from myself, and then am very hard on myself as a result. No one makes me feel worse about me than me. I've always said I am my own worst enemy.

Some things, I can let go and accept that it is what it is. But many other things, I completely over-analyze.

My mom asked me why I swear so much in my blog. As a person with a better than average vocabulary, I should find more profound words? I don't know. Sometimes there is no other word better than a good fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I could make it sound pretty, but if it requires a fuck, than its not best explained in a delicate manner. Words are words.

I went to a social media conference a week ago. You would not believe how many companies include a Social Media background check on you for jobs! How awful and intrusive. I think that should be illegal. If you are a performer on the job, are a solid employee and professional at work, than why on Earth do they have a right to dig in to your personal life?

I knew when I started blogging that this was a potential pitfall, but I also have come to the point in my life that if they are the type of company that really nitpicks this much, they are probably assholes to work for. I want them to want to hire me based on my career experience and abilities, not if I post a picture of myself at a party, holding up a glass of wine. For God's sake, even if I was hanging off a stripper pole, that has nothing to do with who I am at work! Doesn't mean I am an alcoholic. It means I have a life outside work, and the two don't interconnect. I doubt my clients are going to be googling me to find out who I am. That's what LinkedIn is for.

Violation of identity. It sends out the message, "we don't want you to have a personality, or influence." So if you want to work for that kind of company, it should send a message to you, the candidate, that they really don't give a crap about you.

For a person like me, I like to have a personality. I am in the business of "people". Which means you have a honed ability to intuitively and adaptably conform to situations and people. Or you should, anyway.

You want me, or you don't. At least when people show their weaknesses, you know what you are dealing with and can determine how to attack it. You have no idea about them when you know nothing about their personal life. I think that's a much riskier issue.

Either way, I think it's bullshit. And that's about that.

Random thoughts....

2013-02-05T11:52:00.002-08:00

For as many decisions as I make in my life, I really hate it.

At work, I'm the boss, or "hoss" as I was recently called. I had to explain that "hoss" implies that I am a lumberjack-esque woman. Not exactly a smart move from an employee. lol.

And everyone who knows me, knows I run all the decision making at home. I am the brains of the operation and sick of it.

I actually told my husband that I am sick of answering to someone for everything. I've always had to answer to someone else. Never in my life has it just been me, left to my own devices.

Do you know how horrible that is???

I can't run away. I am too old for it to be cute, and adventurous and I have kids. (Thank goodness they are leaving soon.)

And I just got my hair done, and I looked really good last week. So good, a 27 year old hit on me. He looked 23, and made me wish I was still in college.

If I was left out, I think I would pounce.

Today is kind of sucking, because I need coffee, but I must have Ambien-eaten something last night, because I can not stop farting. Seriously. My boss keeps asking why I am hunching over in pain. I looked at him and finally just said, "I can't stop farting. And they're LOUD." It's awful.

He died laughing.

I am going to die farting. Or at least in intense gut pain. But with NutraSystem, you have to eat for like 7 days to build up a decent poop.

And right now, I am filling up with gas and in a small cubicle, surrounded by others whom I do not want to let one rip in front of.

"And then I woke up, and it was mid-January..."

2013-01-21T14:18:00.002-08:00

What's up?

So I've been neglectful lately, I know. It's just that I have a ridiculously busy life, yet feel like I don't have one at all. I literally don't talk to my kids for 3 days a week, when I have to go in to the office for work, and spend my days at home in recovery...drowning out any pushes to make decisions, plans or otherwise taxing use of my brain. So usually, we do nothing. Which also sucks.

I mean, I still want to do things. I just don't always want to be the one who has to think about what it is we are going to do.

Conversation between me and Andy in the garage this weekend:

Me: "Stop being depressed and Debbie-Downer that you're 34 and retired. Most people would KILL to be 34 and retired and not have to worry about money. If you don't want to do laundry every day and feel like a useless pile of flesh, then get yourself on a schedule and see where you have free time and go take a scuba-diving class or become a competitive cup-stacker."

Andy: (Actually me paraphrasing, with a bit of over-exaggeration for effect)
"Well, I feel all depressed because blah, blah blah...and you never want to do anything when you're home except be lazy. I'm like, bored and everything..."

Me: "Are you on fucking crack? Do you know how to use a computer? Clearly, ahem...you do, so use it for something useful, like looking up "things to do in SF" or movie times or something, and fucking plan something. I seriously don't know when I became your mother. And BTW...this is why I never want to have sex. I have to decide everything. Maybe if you took the initiative and grabbed me and slammed me up against a wall, I would feel like doing you, because you though of it on your own, and not with the direction of a self-help book."

Andy: "Well, I never know how much money we have, so I can't plan something without you knowing it. Blah, blah, excuse, excuse..."

Me, thinking to myself: "This is why I lay around and watch my DVR all weekend. It's effortless and not like talking to a wall. Why was it I got married again?"

I don't have the time and energy right now to really focus on my marriage.

It sounds horrible. But I don't. Now that I am the one who has to make the dough, and deal with a ridiculous commute, my bandwidth is severely stretched. So for the next year, I have to focus on my job. If he can't wait a year, than too bad. And the sad thing is...our marriage could be the exact same way a year from now. We are used to "freeze-drying" our relationship and putting it on hold, mostly for needs of the army.

I find it sadly interesting that while I can completely ignore my relationship, everyone I know is in the midst of some major life-change. Meanwhile, we sit around and watch more tv than anyone else I know. I dread weekends when we have something planned, but then when it comes, it's like I don't want to go back home because i've woken up for a little bit.

This would concern some people, but not me. I am actually more concerned about the state of my hair and the bad choice of dying it brown, and how I am going to fix this mess???

Why? Because right now is just one of those cycles of life when things change and life blows by you. It's very similar to when my boys were both toddlers and everything changed constantly and rapidly. It's simply too hard to try to keep up with the changes, and easier to just hold on and adjust when things settle. I am really emotionally spent after two years of chaos. I have no more expectations of my relationship. It simply will be what it will be. Andy has enough to deal with, trying to find himself again in the midst of deep depression and now, no career.

It's prime, early mid-life crisis territory, and it's his shit that he needs to focus on, and in the meantime, I am working like a mad-woman.

As for my diet...I did well until yesterday when I went to my "Nephew by BFF"'s birthday and inhaled 6 pieces of pizza like no tomorrow. But I can't digest real food, so I ended up getting sick last night, again making me wish I could just barf after every meal, but knowing that even as a bulimic, I am a failure.

But I'm down 15 lbs, which is past my goal of 10 for the month, and I still have almost two weeks. So, on to the next month of Nutrasystem. I know what sucks now, so I should have better eating, albeit repetitive meals.

A Beginner's Guide to Coping with Relationship Issues

2013-01-16T08:11:00.001-08:00

In every marriage, you come to points that just suck.

Either you have kids and then have no time for each other, you are buried in work, or something else comes along and makes you take stock in what has happened to your relationship.

And then you reevaluate.

Let's face it...whether its 4 years together or 20, you've both changed pretty dramatically. And sometimes, it's just not a good fit anymore.

When I dealt with my husbands "fuck up", which could really be any mistake, I tried endlessly to find books or websites to help me out and tell me what to do. I mean, either you know immediately that you are going to get out of the relationship, or you don't know. And if you don't know, then therapy is the only way to really have a shot at working it out, because you need a guide through this treacherous point in your life. One wrong move, and the relationship is over, similar to taking a wrong step on Mount Everest. And what does Mount Everest have?

A sherpa. You need a relationship sherpa.

A friend who has gone through a similar situation is great in a crisis. They can tell you the good, the bad and the Ugly. Things you need to be aware of.

But a therapist can help you identify and communicate with your partner. They can give you the tools to remain strong and supported, and how to make things better.

At some point in your journey, you'll know what you want to do. Stay or go. Or your partner will make up their mind for you. Either way, you'll come out of it ready to deal with life the way it has become. And you'll feel stronger in the end.

Holiday Glee is over...now it's time to pay the price for Gluttonism

2013-01-07T07:09:00.000-08:00

I know it's been awhile since I last blogged. The month of December brought big changes and a lot of work, since we moved my dad out here from PA to live with us permanently.

It was an arduous drive for him, as he was pulling a trailer behind his minivan with THE WRONG TIRES on it. Golf cart tires, to be exact, not meant to carry a tanning booth and Honda Goldwing. So he blew 4 tires in 5 days. Pretty awful, and a non-calculated expense.

Not what you want the month you have to pay for Christmas presents.

Then came the Dryer, which almost caught on fire while Andy was doing laundry.
Sayonara, $400.

The kids made out like bandits, actually getting everything on their Christmas lists to the point where they were stumped at what to use the $400 in gift cards they accumulated. I should've made them donate them to charity. I mean, seriously, if you can't think of anything you don't have, then I guess you have too much.

I think my goal for them this summer, is to volunteer somewhere. They are far too entitled. Some may argue that we overcompensated the fact that Andy was gone so much as they were growing up, but even that being said, my kids are well-rounded and thriving. But they need to see what life is like when you're not blessed with the luxuries they have.

I remember growing up, not with perfect parents, but parents I knew loved me and that I could count on to take me to Girl Scouts, club events, and build stage sets for the musicals I was in. They over-extended themselves in order to take us on pretty lavish vacations, a thing I didn't realize the cost of until I became independent, financially. We weren't rich. Solid middle-class, back then, but still dependent on each paycheck to keep up with what we wanted and what my parents wanted.

What a shock it was, being 19 with a baby, and newly married on a Private First Class's income, since I was at home with our son. Daycare would've greatly outweighed what I would've made as a retail clerk or restaurant server, my only jobs as a teenager. I will never forget looking at Andy's first W-2 statement the first time I filed our taxes. $14k in 1998.

I don't know how we got through those years, or the ones after. The pay increases were small, and insignificant until I started working full time. But with all the moves, and travel that I deemed necessary to visit my family, we still struggled, always living paycheck to paycheck. Even now we are in that situation, until I can get some time at this job under my belt and save.

My big splurge on myself? Nutrasystem.

I tried it about 7 years ago and was disgusted by the food, so I didn't stick with it. I decided to give it another go, since I have now gained enough weight that I was considering Gastric Bypass.

I've never been this fat, and barely any of my clothes fit. I can't and won't justify buying more, when I need to just buckle-down and lose the weight, so that I can fit in to my vast closet, already ranging in sizes from 12-20.

So I started a week ago tommorrow, and I am pleased to say that I am already down 5 lbs! I know that much of it is water weight lost, but it's 5 lbs, nonetheless.

The food is actually decent, and the hardest part is adjusting to the portion size while my stomach shrinks down. Usually a two week process. I've been counteracting by cutting out all drinks other than coffee with fat free half and half, and lots and lots of water.

I also had some Phentermine left over from a diet before, which is an appetite suppresant to get me over the hump, and have added Alli to maximize my weight loss.

I've done Alli before, and while it says keep your meals under 15 grams of fat, it's really more like 10-12 to stay in the "not shit yourself" safety zone. Thankfully, most meals on Nutrasystem are in this fat gram zone or below. If you eat what you are supposed to, Alli works like a charm. If you cheat, you will fart out what looks like oil.

And it smells awful.

They recommend one after each meal, up to three per day. But if three is still giving you issues after the two week adjustment time, cut it back to two a day and you should be fine.

I am lazy. I am too fat, and too busy to exercise right now, so the low caloric intake and Alli are going to have to work for me. When I hit a plateau, I think I will order the diabetic or vegetarian versions of Nutrasystem to give myself a kick.

But so far, it's working, and as long as I lose over 10 lbs per month, I will stick with it. My goal is to lose 100 lbs by September. But I take it 10 lbs at a time for short term goals.

I keep telling myself that I will succeed. And by jove, I think I will.

Goodbye, cruel world...maybe?

2012-12-20T16:01:00.001-08:00

Well...here it is.

The eve of possible destruction. A day many people have feared and wondered about for a decade.

I realized I am on a potential front-row seat to watch the impending doom, seeing as how I am within death zones for not one, but TWO supervolcanoes. Yellowstone and Long Valley, which is like two hours from me. Yikes. I didn't know THAT when I signed the lease!

I also live in a moderate flood zone, and in amidst multiple active fault lines.

If it's gonna happen, I'm probably screwed. And then my last thought would be irritation that I spend money prepping instead of going to Vegas.

Based on my day, it would be par for the course.

I'm fine meeting my maker. I've done more good than bad in my life.

But I don't think the end will come tonight, rather than a date to signify when the end began.

Every civilization has fallen. And I am a believer that history repeats itself.

Climate change is going to change the shape of our country in the next 50 years. There is already wars that seem unending, droughts, famine, illness.

I am sure there will be people on the planet who believe their world did end tonight. People who lose a loved one in a random act of violence or accident. People in the area of a natural catastrophe.

I've witnessed things happening that I have said never would. Things I would've staked my life on.

Things are not good in this world. Otherwise strong marriages being slowly shredded apart. Loved ones being abused by spouses. Everyone struggling with some kind of issue.

As Motown would ask..."What's goin' on?"

Why are people so sick?

2012-12-14T12:39:00.000-08:00

I was feeling pretty good yesterday.

I was thinking about where I am in my life now, when a year ago, I couldn't get out of bed. It's pretty unbelievable what you can recover from, when a life-changing "bomb" is dropped in your lap out of nowhere that changes everything from the way you think, to the path your life takes afterwards.

For as long as I can remember, I felt unfulfilled. I didn't have a chance to focus on my own goals, since so many things came first. Kids, husband, and of course the army. I have held on to so much resentment...at my husband for always not being there, even though it was his job, at the military for its lack of support for soldiers and their families, and at myself, for largely letting life pass me by in order to wait for "something", not knowing what it was. But I thought that life should be better than it was. That there was more, and I was missing it.

When something shakes the core of your marriage, it shakes the core of who you are. It makes you question everything that came before. It makes you question your sanity. And then you have to decide what to do next. Do you leave, do you stay? Can you afford to make that choice based solely on what you want, or are there barriers, like children and how it affects them, money...can you do it on your own. Then you question moral or religious issues, and finally, test the strength of the vows you spoke. What is the value of a promise?

I've always thought I was a strong person. And then something tore me in to pieces. I was held hostage by emotions that I couldn't reconcile mentally and fear. Lots of fear. I never understood how people could just be so depressed that they literally can't move. Can't make a choice. Can't deal with their reality. But when that happens, you are frozen in grief and confusion. And now, I barely remember that year.

And then, one day...I got up. And I decided I was going to make choices and take back the control I wasn't ready to reassume.

I accomplished many goals this year. I did them. I got us to where we are now. And yesterday, it meant so much self-pride.

Then something in the world happens, and you realize how your daily thoughts and worries mean NOTHING. How your struggles and despair in life MEAN NOTHING. Because it's always insignificant when compared to someone else's life.

There is little worse that I can think of, than losing a child.

I know I joke about my kids, and tell stories of frustration and irritation at them...

But it's very tongue-in-cheek.

If one of them was hurt or died, I think I would die inside. I would sink in to myself and let go.

No matter how mad I've ever been, I've never felt the urge to hurt my children. I really don't even much believe in spanking, mostly because it's often done in anger, and that should never be the case. I spanked if it was a matter of their safety, to enforce that it was dangerous. If I get really angry, I lock myself away, so that I can deal with it when I am level-headed again.

I don't understand why people kill children. No rational person can, because it's unthinkable to a rational person. But these "terrorists" are not rational. They are mentally ill. They aren't wired right. You can't justify it, nor can you explain it.

I feel that way when there is any devastation in the world. And I look around at what I have, and wonder how God will judge me when its my time to go. Did I squander precious time, feeling sorry for myself, when I have never had to go to bed hungry? Never had to truly worry about being homeless?

It seems like the more I get, the more it becomes apparent to me that I have to share it. I think about the wealthy people who control our country, and wonder how they can go buy a car that costs $200k, when people can't eat, can't feed their children, live in shelters, can't find a job?

They say money changes people. Why doesn't it change them for the better? To use that power to help someone else?

I feel ill. I hear about school shootings, public shootings, mass murders, genocide. I hear about a government that opens fire on their own civilians waiting in a breadline. I hear about people using children as soldiers. It makes me sick.

Not everyone should be allowed to have a gun. The 2nd Amendment was created in case we had to protect ourselves from an oppressive government. But if that happened, we wouldn't win. Not in a age of nuclear weaponry, drones and other resources they have. And hiding under the veil of that stupid law, covers everyone who has murdered someone. "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." What an idiotic statement. Anti-gun legislation is not about taking away your rights (to kill), but protecting others who have lost their right to live.

Most people say they have them for protection, but if attacked, wouldn't have time to use a gun to protect themselves.

Canadians can have guns for hunting. And their annual murder rate is about 60 people, compared to our 10,000.

How do you reconcile that?

My heart goes out to those parents and children today in the CT shooting. I bet they don't have very supportive thoughts on our lax gun policies right now. And if it were your child, I bet you wouldn't either.

Washington needs to jump off the Fiscal Cliff

2012-12-13T07:11:00.000-08:00

I am so sick of hearing about the Fiscal Cliff talks.

We all know about it, and what's at stake.

Blah, blah, blah.

My favorite is how the politicians keep saying how they are prepared to stay up until Christmas Eve. Do they want a cookie for their jobs??? I don't know about y'all, but I have work deadlines all the time that need to be met. I wonder if they forget this is a job they were hired for?

I like listening to NPR, but it gets repetitive in a slow news week.

I am done with all my Christmas shopping. I knock it out online and that way the kids can't peek in any shopping bags they might find. Last year, I told them they had X amount of money each, and they waited until after Christmas to go shopping, so that they had collected their loot from other family members and could buy what they wanted. It saved me twice as much as what I paid this year, but I wanted to hold on a little longer to their youth by buying them gifts and seeing their surprise. It's the last remnant of holiday spirit I get anymore.

Things are so expensive when they reach a certain age. It was much easier when they were still playing with toys. But now, the "toys" cost high dollar prices, since it's mostly electronic. This year, I tried to buy stuff that makes them get outside.

I went to my work Christmas party over the weekend. I really didn't want to, mostly because it was in SF and we had to get a hotel room, because I refuse to drive in to the city, so we take the subway. It was fun, though it left me pretty much exhausted the rest of the weekend. The downside of working so far from my house (about 80 miles), which, an hour and a half is not bad, but with traffic, if I don't get up at 4:30am to leave at 5am, then it takes me up to 3 hours to get there. So on the days I work at home, I get extra sleep, but it throws my whole sleep schedule off. Trying to go to bed at 7pm isn't easy, since I am a night person.

But, when I get to the office, I am there alone for an hour, so it gives me time to get things done.

Other than that, things have been pretty uneventful. Andy had to refile his VA compensation claim, because after 6 months, they still haven't reopened it. And his unemployment ends this month, so it looks like we won't be seeing any money from them for up to another year. The only benefits is a huge lump sum backpay, but we are going to need it to buy our house that we are leasing. In six months, it's already gone up $20k on Zillow, because they are building a lot of new homes in my town.

I guess that's a good thing. I just don't want to pay half a million dollars for my house.

Misery loves children

2012-12-05T10:28:00.001-08:00

I had the perfect excuse to not attend my company Christmas party this year. It's not that I hate parties. It's that I would rather not get bedazzled, wear painful heels and tights and stay at home to watch tv.

It's my Saturday, after all.

My dad gets in to town this weekend. He's moving in with us to help out since I am dealing with the commute from hell. So I figured, not having childcare would be an excellent excuse.

However, the company is including free childcare for the duration of the event in an adjacent hotel. Which probably means a hotel room full of miserable little kids, wanting their mom or dad...and to go to bed, since the party is 7-midnight.

All in all, an event my kids would loathe, since they're too old for a babysitter, but too young to stay alone overnight. Most likely, it would consist of hate texts from my kids buzzing my phone every ten minutes, making threats like, "I am going to just walk out the door if you don't come get me NOW!!!"

My boss tried to get me on board by saying his kids aren't too far off in age, but I explained that my kids only agree to pretend to be good kids when they're bribed, and even that can be unreliable, especially at night.

(I don't pretend that my children are truly as good as the image they portray in public. And when they are, it can definitely be traced to some sort of incentive plan.)

Finally, I gave up and booked the $200 hotel room since its in the city.

A friend of mine is considering starting her family this year, but finds myself and her sister detractors from having children. I have mixed feelings on the subject myself, but I've made my bed and now have to lie in it. I feel like there is about 5 years when kids are enjoyable. Once they're old enough to get themselves a bowl of cereal and quietly watch tv on weekends, until they are bubbling voids of evil teenage hormones.

They're really only nice about 15% of the time after that, and mostly when they have an ulterior motive.

But the question of whether or not to have them comes down to the question of whether or not you want to be alone when you get old. My husband will surely die before me, so I would like to have visitors in the nursing home.

I don't think that having kids is bad. It's just another relationship to maintain, while the other person hates you for about 4-6 years until they grow. If you can deal with that, go forth and procreate!

Finger Foods make it all better.

2012-12-04T10:53:00.001-08:00

I've been a really lazy mother the past 6 months.

I haven't cooked one meal until this week. Then I got a craving for ham and homemade scalloped potatoes, and another one for my favorite snack/meal which consists of grilling a london broil, slicing it in to thin slices, spreading Boursin Garlic and Herb Spread on baguette slices and putting the meat on top of it.

It's really effing good.

So good, it is making my NYE feast menu. I am going to a friends to play board games and eat. I will also probably take my mother's sherbert punch, which is non-alcoholic, but tastes so good, you don't even care. It's equal parts 7up and Hawaiian Punch, with a container of sherbert scooped in to it. DELISH.

One of my famously loved hors d'oeuvres, are my bacon-wrapped chunks of pineapple. They are coated in a brown sugar glaze and gone in 10 minutes.

I also plan to bring crocks of my homemade macaroni and cheese. I normally make it in a big giant pan, but in the spirit of having some style, I am going to do it in onion soup crocks, which happen to be the perfect serving size.

So, there...sister, who shan't be named, who posted on FB that I can't cook.
I dare you to come up with an equally appetizing menu for NYE.

LOL.

Is there still a racial divide in this country? Um, yeah.

2012-11-27T19:34:00.000-08:00

I used to be like you. Naive and living in a state where racism wasn't obvious.

Then I lived in GA for 8 years.

What a rude awakening.

First, let me say I LOATHE the term "reverse racism". Reverse racism would be not racist. Racism is one race against another, not just owned by minorities. I also hate when people pronounce Mischievous "Mis-chee-vee-ous", when there is clearly no "I" after the "v", making the correct usage "Mis-che-vous".

But that's a whole other topic.

While working in staffing agencies, it was normal for a client to specifically tell me they didn't want black people. It got to the point I had to submit resumes with no names, when the name was clearly ethnic, or they would not agree to interview the person. This is why I tell people that depending on where they live, be careful what you name your child, because people may not even look at you as a candidate if they have a bias.

I also had many companies ask specifically for mexicans, and they actually would pay MORE for someone of that nationality, because they were hard workers.

I don't understand why people think that undocumented workers don't pay taxes. Most of them do, as they carry fake social security cards, and still have to complete the requisite tax forms. So they pay in to our system, yet cannot draw the benefits later.

No matter what racist or sexist job orders I had been given, I always advised my clients that I would submit the best qualified person for the job, period, and that I could not accept job specifications based on race, religion, sex or creed.

Probably the most irritating, and shocking experience I have had in dealing with racism, was a coworker of mine who was a white girl from Mississippi. She was married, to her family's dismay, to a Puerto Rican, and had two mixed race daughters with him. But she was fast to tell you she only married him because she mistakenly got knocked up, or she wouldn't have married a Puerto Rican. She also told me during the first Obama campaign, that she wasn't ready to vote for a black guy for President. The hipocrisy stung me. How can you be the mother of two mixed race children, yet not be "ready" for a mixed race President?

The political parties have completely changed. It used to be that most southerners were democrats...back when they owned slaves. It's funny now, that all the southern states are now red. Just a coincidence?

People love to say that they aren't racist. My experience is, if you feel you have to verbalize it, you're a racist.

Thank Goodness I have raised two race-blind children. It's much easier to live your live when you choose your friends and, eventually political figures, when race isn't a factor.

And as someone pale as a ghost, I can't wait to introduce some mixed culture into my own family, as my red-headed youngest seems to have an affinity for girls who are latin in ethnicity.

My internal compass is spinning...Why won't things stand still?

2012-11-23T23:33:00.003-08:00

Some days, its easy to point out happy things and bad things.

Lately, I feel like I am largely soaking up other people's energies, and well...

ITS EFFING EXHAUSTING.

I feel like, as a person and on the exterior, I am together. I feel like at work, I am focused and driven. But work is the only place that this "got it together" Keri exists.

When left to my own devices, I feel overextended and drained. So drained that I can barely do anything because my body is tired and my mind is drained.

Emotionally, I feel little in regards to my own life. I don't know if it's because I was wildly out of control for a year, or because I've checked out for self-preservation. The circle is coming to it's completion in regard to my marriage. I've made a commitment and am honoring my vows. As long as my husband continues his self-care, I will stay with him.

But I have too many things happening in the lives of those I love, and, like an electric current, it fills me with sadness and stress.

I love my job and my coworkers. Somedays I feel like a corporate badass. But then a day later, I find myself wondering if I am in over my head. I often do this with jobs, because I second guess myself and have high expectations, both of my employer and myself. I expect my performance to be impeccable. Which is funny, because in the rest of my life, I expect utter chaos.

Life is full of uppers and downers. Coffee, coffee and more coffee to wake up and fuel myself during the days, and at night, darkness, anxiety meds, muscle relaxers and sleepy pills to shut down this machine. I have to actually take a pill that makes me so tired, I can't even continue to think in order to sleep, because I am a chronic insomniac and my mind will continue to run scenarios of how something may go, or how it should've went, making it impossible for me to rest. It's like a computer cracking a code. On and on, it sucks energy from me. I would say that in the scheme of a week, I spend a third sleeping, a third analyzing and producing, and a third stressing.

It's not New Years yet, but letting stress envelope me has to stop, and will be a major focus on my 2013 goals, along with feeling more confident and not being afraid to ask for a second opinion at work. I don't want to lower the bar I have set for myself. I just want to have enough time to let my ideas bear the fruit I know exists.

Emergency Preparedness: What you need

2012-11-21T15:06:00.001-08:00

People keep asking me to tell them what they should have in case of disaster.

Let me be clear...I am not one of those crazy preppers...we don't run drills, etc.

But first, you need to identify potential catastrophes in your area. For example, we live in the SF Bay Area. There is threat of nuclear meltdown, Yellowstone Mega Volcano eruption, Earthquakes and rain monsoons, local to this area. In addition, since we live near Silicon Valley, we are at risk for atomic bombs by terrorists. And all of us are at risk for Solar Flare Coronal Mass Ejections.

You can check daily solar "weather" at: http://www.spaceweather.com/

Basically, our Earth's magnetic field protects us from much of the suns radiation. However, it is entering it's most active phase, which happens every 10,000 years. It's happened in the past, that the sun throws out these Mass Ejections that aren't blocked by our magnetic field, and when that happens, if it heads toward us, it knocks out power grids. It's like an EMP, and can knock out anything with a battery. With our declining power grid, and our reliance on technology, this is what I believe is our biggest threat overall for a major shutdown in the US. Electric transformers are on a 3 year waiting list worldwide, so if large ones go down, especially widespread, this would alter the way we live. Most of us would be out of work.

Imagine a country without electricity. How would you get money? Gas? Food? Water?
No computers, phones, nothing.

This is potentially a real situation. People would riot.

Your best bet is to keep enough food and water stored for at least a year. Large bags of rice, tuna, beans are easiest to keep, and least expensive. You can get 5 gallon water storage containers at Walmart for $10. You will need food for pets. You will need some method of cooking, like a firepit or propane powered stoves and the propane to go with it. Vitamins are a good idea.

A stash of medications and a good first aid kit are a must.

You need some method to protect what you have, because others will want it. Guns, knives, slingshots, stun guns, pepper spray.

You will need things to barter with. Small bills in cash, gold, silver. Things of value. Even food could be something to barter with.

Then you have to think long-term. Hunting and fishing gear, and seeds to plant a garden. Hand tools to use.

Your best bet if something happens is to group together. Form a neighborhood watch immediately after a catastrophe to lessen the chance of gangs of people invading your territory.

No one likes to think about this stuff, but look at New York and NJ. Look at the state of the world.

Bottom line...you have a better chance at being a survivor if you are prepared.

The clock is ticking...

Enact the "Roosevelt" Bill of Rights

2012-11-18T16:57:00.001-08:00

FDR died before he could enact this second "Bill of Rights" but when WWII ended, all of Europe and Japan got them. So why haven't we?

On January 11, 1944, in the midst of World War II, President Roosevelt spoke forcefully and eloquently about the greater meaning and higher purpose of American security in a post-war America. The principles and ideas conveyed by FDR's words matter as much now as they did over sixty years ago, and the Franklin D. Roosevelt American Heritage Center is proud to reprint a selection of FDR's vision for the security and economic liberty of the American people in war and peace.

“The Economic Bill of Rights”

Excerpt from President Roosevelt's January 11, 1944 message to the Congress of the United States on the State of the Union

It is our duty now to begin to lay the plans and determine the strategy for the winning of a lasting peace and the establishment of an American standard of living higher than ever before known. We cannot be content, no matter how high that general standard of living may be, if some fraction of our people—whether it be one-third or one-fifth or one-tenth—is ill-fed, ill-clothed, ill-housed, and insecure.

This Republic had its beginning, and grew to its present strength, under the protection of certain inalienable political rights—among them the right of free speech, free press, free worship, trial by jury, freedom from unreasonable searches and seizures. They were our rights to life and liberty.

As our nation has grown in size and stature, however—as our industrial economy expanded—these political rights proved inadequate to assure us equality in the pursuit of happiness.

We have come to a clear realization of the fact that true individual freedom cannot exist without economic security and independence. “Necessitous men are not free men.” People who are hungry and out of a job are the stuff of which dictatorships are made.

In our day these economic truths have become accepted as self-evident. We have accepted, so to speak, a second Bill of Rights under which a new basis of security and prosperity can be established for all—regardless of station, race, or creed.

Among these are:

The right to a useful and remunerative job in the industries or shops or farms or mines of the nation;

The right to earn enough to provide adequate food and clothing and recreation;

The right of every farmer to raise and sell his products at a return which will give him and his family a decent living;

The right of every businessman, large and small, to trade in an atmosphere of freedom from unfair competition and domination by monopolies at home or abroad;

The right of every family to a decent home;

The right to adequate medical care and the opportunity to achieve and enjoy good health;

The right to adequate protection from the economic fears of old age, sickness, accident, and unemployment;

The right to a good education.

All of these rights spell security. And after this war is won we must be prepared to move forward, in the implementation of these rights, to new goals of human happiness and well-being.

America’s own rightful place in the world depends in large part upon how fully these and similar rights have been carried into practice for our citizens.

Source: The Public Papers & Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt (Samuel Rosenman, ed.), Vol XIII (NY: Harper, 1950), 40-42

12 How. 152: “Necessitous men,” says the Lord Chancellor, in Vernon v Bethell, 2 Eden 113 (1762), “are not, truly speaking, free men; but, to answer a present emergency, will submit to any terms that the crafty may impose on them.”

Women Who Defend Dumb Men

2012-11-16T15:33:00.001-08:00

O to the M, to the mother fucking G!

First, read this bullshit:

http://www.lifetimemoms.com/buzz/the-case-for-not-letting-yourself-go-aka-a-note-to-mrs-patraeus

Yes, I am blogging twice in one day.

This bitch is crazy. Like, so crazy, I want someone to hold my "err-ings" so that I can beat her down, ATL/Oakland style.

Firstly, some women have time to put lots of energy in to their looks. Maybe they don't work. Maybe they have no children. Maybe they have good genes. Maybe they have lots of money.

But there is NO EXCUSE for a man to cheat, and for it to be justified because his wife "let herself go". As far as I can see, the woman he cheated on was LESS attractive than his wife, as is the case with most men.

If my husband thinks he could land Jennifer Anniston, then child, let him try, and I would congratulate him on his new life with her. But the fact is, men go bald, go deaf and get fat too, and I don't hear men telling each other they need to glam it up to keep their wives.

This woman was a military wife for almost 40 years. That is like 100 years in real life. Being a military wife is more stressful than being a non-military wife. She spent that time largely raising their children alone, while having to serve the military as a Commanders wife, a Colonel's wife, and finally a General's wife. You idiots who have nothing to do with the military would have no idea that at a Captains level, there are many things expected of you as the wife.

Being in a marriage is being in a commitment. It's being a companion and a friend. It's being a partner is all life's good and bad. It's NOT about superficiality and appearance. Anyone who has had rampant diahrhea and given birth should know you can't always look perfect. And this poor woman is having to suffer the entire humiliating event in public and in the media.

SO EFF YOU, crazy ho who wrote this blog post. I hope your husband cheats on you with someone who is uglier than you, so you can take your own advice and let her have him.
Because it doesn't come down to how you look. It comes down to who you are.

HOV lanes are bullshit.

2012-11-16T10:08:00.001-08:00

The concept of a HOV, or High Occupancy Vehicle lane is not foreign to me. I've driven through the DC beltway and Atlanta enough to know what they're for.

I just ignore it.

As someone who has a long commute, if there is any chance of me getting to or from work quicker, I am all over it. I am willing to risk a ticket.

Other things that are bullshit:

...why does it cost $100 for a family of four to go see a movie and get some snacks? We're not talking caviar and champagne here, just soda, popcorn and some damn nachos?

...without fail, everytime my car is washed, ten birds coat it in a fresh layer of crap.

...when its 100 degrees outside, the last thing I need people to small-talk about is how hot it is. Can't you see my pit sweat and the fact I am guzzling a bottle of water while in the checkout lane?

...when your child loses an argument with you, and then throws themselves on the floor, crying and begging. All this is going to do is earn a solid grounding, merely for interrupting my tv show, and solidify the fact they are not mature enough to do what they requested in the first place.

...when people pat men on the back for watching their kids, or sharing household responsibilities. I don't get kudos for washing my hair or unloading the dishwasher, because when you are a grown up, you do these things. No one deserves a medal for taking care of their crap.

...when people keep lying to other people on Facebook about how cute their babies are, when anyone with correctible vision can clearly see they are not. Stop feeding into their delusion and encouraging them to post more pictures that we dont give a rats ass about.

...people who give a play by play of what their children do everyday. Seriously, and I am tempted to name names here, WE DON'T CARE. And neither does your extended family. Pictures of family vacations and holidays are enough.

The Chill of Winter

2012-11-15T14:04:00.001-08:00

It's been two years since I started this blog. Such incredible changes. I went from almost 15 years of Army haze to living like normal people do.

It's not much better.

My oldest child is going to be 14 next month. I am 33, although my dad thought I was 36. Men should know instinctively to round down, rather than up, if unsure. I think mentally, I am about 42.

I see my friends and family with all their little ones, cute as they are, experiencing all the "firsts" that most people find exciting. I look at them in pity, and am glad my two will be in college in 6 years.

I love them. I am thankful for the joys they bring me, mostly in amusement...seeing how they take after me and my witty sense of humor. I think they will be just fine in life.

I am just sick of being responsible for someone other than myself. Unfortunately, my husband's state of mind has been such that I still have to guide him in the right direction sometimes. Having a husband is like having another child. Either you have to nag them to do things to help, or you have to flat out have to tell them how to logically handle things.

Still, there are days when I think back to how cute babies are, and how I let most of that pass me by, because I was so young when they were little. I didn't appreciate most of the times in my life that I should've appreciated them. When you're a teen, you want to be a grown up. When you are single, you want to be married. The grass is always greener on the other side.

I want to talk to the 17 year old me. I want to be inspired by her dreams...because they're harder to have when you've been affected by life. I want to capture her carefree, fun-loving spirit. It seems to have escaped me. Now I dream about being old enough to retire. How sad is that? Planning for retirement to be when my "real" life starts. When I have enough time and money, both available at the same time to not worry about day to day living? I want to tell that 17 year old me that the problems I had then were nothing. I want to tell her to run far, far away from cute guys in uniform.

But then I realize I am feeling sorry for myself because things are stressful. And that my stress is stupid. I know (for the most part) my reality now. I know ways to overcome my stress, by planning ahead.

I am thankful that in the wake of a personal devastation, I now have learned to give up the problems that I can do nothing to change. That was the hardest to learn. Trying to live every day, focusing on little but that day, or week. What can I do to change the things I am not satisfied with? It's up to me to do the dirty work.

I foresee the chill of winter.

Not the temperature, but the obstacles I am likely to deal with. And I am ready for them, only because I know that the sun will shine warm on my face again.

Jeez...I leave you guys alone for a few weeks, and you all leave me!

2012-11-13T18:10:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been posting, but my life has not been a box of chocolates.

Not that there is too much bad, just BUSY.

All that being said, I heart my job. NetSuite is an amazing company. Everyone is hilarious and we have a great team there. With all that's bad in the country, the San Francisco Bay area is largely flourishing. The housing market is great and there are jobs aplenty. Moving here was one of the best decisions I ever have made, and even though it wasn't easy and took an ounce of luck to come through, I'm living (partly) the dream. Or atleast as close as one can get to it.

But with all good fortune comes a little bit of negative. It's hard to feel good about yourself when people you love are struggling.

Enough about me...there's been a lot to comment on...

Firstly...YAY Obama won!!! Secondly, pot is legal in a state! Finally, someone was smart enough to start taxing the crap out of it so we can get out of this fiscal nightmare. Sadly, my horrid commute kept me from voting, but it was a great political night. I heart election cycles. And superstorms.
(I know, I have problems.)
I had a week of catastrophe on the East Coast to watch, and then election night. It's better than cable. I often wonder, living in Earthquake Hell, if I will get caught at work in a bad earthquake, or how I would get all the way home if a solar flare knocked out power. I would have to walk. A LOOOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG way. Andy asked if I wanted my emergency preparedness backpack in my car, and I said HELL NO. I just threw my UGGS in my trunk and a sling across the front purse. If I have to walk 60 miles, I am just doing it with as little drag as possible.

That being said, we upped our emergency preparedness kit to include a slingshot that shoots metal slugs, and a machete. (Both my ideas). I don't need a gun. I want to maim with a good ole fashioned slingshot. I was actually delighted to find it. Yes, DELIGHTED. Like a kid on Christmas, before the cruel reality about Santa was poured upon my soul.

My bet on 2012 phenomenon is solar flares knocking out the grid as a massive EMP. I was sad that I fell asleep Friday night in the middle of a Doomsday show. Did you know there has been a bunch of random earthquakes lately? I check out the USGS Earthquake Map from time to time. I like to keep an eye on Yellowstone, especially now that I live in the kill radius. It would be just my luck.

Today I was pissed when all NPR had to talk about on my commute, was David Petraeus's affair. And then I looked on Yahoo, and they had his wife's agonizing picture plastered there.

HOW DO YOU THINK SHE'S GONNA LOOK????? Her husband's affair was just announced as top news, and she probably had little to no idea it was going on. LEAVE HER ALONE!!!

Why do men fuck up and then the media want to see how the woman handles it? What are you hoping for? That she'll lose it and beat him down with a baseball bat in front of your camera's? Aside from Betty Broderick, most of us handle indignities that are thrust upon us in private. If I am gonna beat down my husband for being a giant ass, I am gonna do it in private, leaving no visable marks, and then laugh as I retell the fear in his eyes as he was being mauled.

Hmmm...why does it sound like I may have done that before???

Anyhow, I am sick of men being idiots. Just because you have a penis, doesn't give you license to keep acting like a teenager. You can't fuck up everyone's life because you were weak. Women don't have time to be weak, much like they don't have time to be sick or get a decent night's sleep. We grow a pair of balls (suspectedly, the ones our mates are lacking) and do what is expected of us. We let go of the dream of being the supermodel next to the rich guy and expensive car long ago. Probably when we met you...our husbands. So it's time men realize they will never BE the rich guy in the picture. You're stuck with us. And if you don't stop being asses, we will continue to not have sex with you, because who wants to fuck a whiner?

Now, I am an asshole, and there are days I have much compassion for my husbands ailments. Yeah, it sucks your brain is distorted, you have to take a pharmacy's worth of pills, and have hearing aids at 34. I understand depression very well, since I've been depressed for probably half my adult life. But grow the fuck up and pitch in! You have it pretty damn good from where I am standing. It's not the hearing aids keeping me from putting out. It's the fact you constantly look like you've been beat. And thats just sad, not sexy.

Marriage is a form of punishment. I highly do NOT recommend it for anyone that wants to be carefree and happy. Any chance of that goes away the minute you fall in love. And if you're married and not happy, DON'T HAVE KIDS. All they do is trap your ass in. People who don't have kids and hear me say this look at me like there is something wrong with me. And then they have kids and are like, "oh". I was young, and carefree and happy once. And I was thin and sexy. And then it all went to shit when I got married because I had to be the grownup.

However...

Life is what you make it. If your life sucks, maybe try something different. Like caring. Like getting up out of bed and doing something. Like take the spray nozzle in the kitchen sink and drench your wife with it while she does dishes. It's completely unexpected, and will probably make her chase you down laughing, and when she does...that's when you try to get her naked. Be inventive. My life has sucked ass. I have a friend whose husband died, and is she giving up? No. She's living her life to the fullest because she understands that its too short.

Whatever your ailment...don't give up hope. Happiness comes in short dribbles, just long enough to make you realize what you do have. And how miserable you would be without it.