The Horn Section

Television's Worst Moments # 2: F TROOP's Premature End

2013-05-22T20:25:00.000-07:00

WHO SAYS WE'RE CANCELLED???

The 1966-67 U.S. television season ended with more than its share of now legendary shows on the fence for renewal. The ignominous end of CBS' GILLIGAN'S ISLAND (# 49) has been much discussed in television lore. GILLIGAN had originally secured a spot on the 1967-68 schedule, only to be bumped at the last minute by William S. Paley himself (who wanted GUNSMOKE saved). Paley's decision proved to be a solid long-term choice, as GUNSMOKE zoomed back into the top ten and ran for 8 more seasons, but still deprived GILLIGAN fans of a fourth season and proper sendoff.

Major, we were told a 30 share was golden!

Much has also been written about how THE MONKEES (# 42 in Nielsen's ratings for the season) and STAR TREK (# 52) were saved by letter writing campaigns. (Amazingly, the latter would never rank higher than that 52nd place showing during its three year run!) Other borderline survivors included THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E. (# 46) and THE WILD, WILD WEST (# 53, staggered by TARZAN that season but surviving and eventually driving it off the air a year later).

We're over and IRON HORSE survives? It's the Alamo all over again!

You have probably heard far less about a show that outranked all of the above at # 40 in 1966-67 and was just finishing its second season as the eighth highest ranked show on its troubled network (ABC): F TROOP. After holding steady despite a change in day and time, drawing 31 percent of the audience (18.8 rating), earning an Emmy nomination (Larry Storch) and finishing the season strong, F TROOP still ended its run after only 65 episodes on August 31, 1967. It's enough to make one cry like Corporal Agarn.

From the outset, it had always been an uphill battle for F TROOP (as I detailed in my two part review of the Season One DVD). The western sendup premiered on a network that was in third place for the entire 1960's(!) and was scheduled against CBS' THE RED SKELTON SHOW on Tuesdays at 9 ET. SKELTON had killed four consecutive ABC entries in the time slot and ranked as television's # 4 show. Complicating matters, financial considerations (from both ABC and ever-"frugal" Warner Brothers) dictated that F TROOP would air in black and white during the 1965-66 season while well over half of prime time was already in color, and "full color" status was only a season away for all three networks.

Good thing Red doesn't have any rifles

Despite the handicaps, F TROOP survived and thrived against SKELTON. While Red continued to win the time slot by a healthy margin, F TROOP managed three top 10 Nielsen finishes in the first half of the season and was "in the top 25" according to TV Guide's December 11, 1965 issue (with a cover story on star Forrest Tucker). In the magazine's December 25, 1965 edition, Roger Youman's survey of reviews showed that F TROOP ranked number one among the 35 new programs critically, with fully 80 percent of the 40 newspaper columnists recommending a Fort Courage visit on Tuesdays. While a number of mid-season smashes (DAKTARI, two BATMANs) pushed the show just outside the top 30 by season's end, Tucker, Storch and company remained comfortably above a 30 share and earned a second season--in color!

Which, sadly, ended up being the final season (reviewed by yours truly here). But....why, when the show finished 40th out of 113 network shows in a season with few new breakout hits?

Why? Why?

Did F TROOP lose too much of lead-in BATMAN's audience? Looking at the ratings, I'd have to say not only no, but Hell no. According to the Television magazine (# 24, Vol. 8) cited above, BATMAN ranked # 37 with a 33 share, while F TROOP, as noted above, ranked # 40 with a 31.3 share. Not much of a drop. A far better job of holding onto viewers than (say) THAT GIRL did with # 7 BEWITCHED's audience later on Thursdays.

Hell, F TROOP outrated every show I had after 1954!

Did F TROOP fade badly down the stretch and limp to finish line? The numbers show the opposite. The earliest Nielsen study I could find for the season (two weeks ending October 9, 1966) showed F TROOP in 44th place with a 17.8 rating. At mid-season in early January, VARIETY reported the show was averaging a 30.7 share and was in the "probable" category for renewal. At season's end, the rating was 18.8 and the share was 31.3: a 5% increase over the October rating and a 2% increase over the mid-season share.

Wild Eagle can't figure it out either

So it would appear that F TROOP took a hit initially after moving to a new night and time, then steadily regained its audience as the season progressed. For the two week period ending March 5, 1967, F TROOP ranked 23rd, its best showing of the second season. If anything, the numbers indicate that the show was building positive momentum down the stretch.

Well, okay, did F TROOP take a creative nosedive? As I noted in my review, the show did go through a bit of a sophomore slump in the season's middle third. The reduced involvement of Charles Rondeau, Ed James and Seaman Jacobs in season two hurt, but Austin and Irma Kalish added some inventive scripts, including THE DAY THEY SHOT AGARN and the final two episodes, OUR BRAVE IN F TROOP (a terrific refocusing on O'Rourke Enterprises and the introduction to Fort Courage's namesake, played by Cliff Arquette) and IS THIS FORT REALLY NECESSARY?, a very funny entry that also deftly weaved in more plot than most hour long dramatic westerns. Season Two didn't quite match the qualify of the first as a whole but ended on a creative high, closing with arguably the two very best color episodes.

In addition to the points made above, only one of the 39 shows ahead of F TROOP received an eviction notice: CBS' MR. TERRIFIC (36th), a not-so-terrific BATMAN ripoff and midseason replacement that occupied the second half-hour of GUNSMOKE's new 1967-68 home. F TROOP was ABC's highest rated show to leave the airwaves. To name three examples, THAT GIRL, HOLLYWOOD PALACE and IRON HORSE were among the network's shows ranked below F TROOP that were renewed to live another day.

To sum it up, if you're thinking that it just didn't make any sense for ABC to cancel one of its highest rated comedies, you're right. And in fact, the network didn't. So who was our true villain? Those aforementioned cheapskates over at Warner Brothers Television.

In Jeff Kisseloff's excellent 1991 book THE BOX, executive producer William T. Orr singled out WB vice president Benny Kalmenson as the culprit, after noting that their failure to shoot the classic Warner shows (i.e. MAVERICK, 77 SUNSET STRIP) in color cost them millions in the long run.

Millions, I say, millions! Outrageous!!!

Said Orr: "Today, all those shows would be on (in syndication) if they were in color. The only thing on is 'F TROOP'. The first year of that was black and white and the second year was in color, and then Benny (Kalmenson) had it taken off because we were three thousand dollars over budget." Later that year, Kalmenson famously called Arthur Penn's groundbreaking BONNIE AND CLYDE "a piece of shit". Fortunately for Warners, he didn't have enough pull to kill that project.

Wild Eagle sniffs what Kalmenson must have been drinking

We're left to wonder what might have been. Would F TROOP have continued its upward ratings trend in a third season? Would the show's creative resurgence have continued as well? Perhaps the great Larry Storch would have received a second Emmy nomination and bested childhood friend Don Adams in a rematch.

One thing is certain: despite the untimely and undeserved demise that left it 35 episodes short of the hundred episode mark, F TROOP passed the test of time with flying colors, staying in syndication long after its replacement, THE FLYING NUN, faded from screens despite the presence of a young Sally Field. Jack Warner should have trusted his son in law (Orr). For depriving us of at least one more season of merriment with the two Greatest Actors Who Ever Lived, THE HORN SECTION deems Benny Kalmenson to be responsible for another of TV's All Time Worst Moments.

$3,000 over budget. That's 97 bucks per episode, Benny! Jeez.

The Horn Section Salutes: Madge Sinclair (1938-1995)

2013-04-28T00:02:00.000-07:00

Seventy five years ago today, Madge Dorita Sinclair was born in Kingston, Jamaica.

She was a mother of two in her thirties when the acting bug bit and she elected to leave a "calm, marvelous, middle-class existence" (description hers) in her homeland. A gamble no doubt, but Jamaica's loss became New York's gain. Hollywood's too, once Sinclair got her big break in her second film, playing a local principal butting heads with Jon Voight's titular CONRACK (1974).

Sinclair was already 36 at the time, and only 57 when she passed away far too young in 1995. That left but two decades for the distinguished actress to grace our screens, but she still left quite an impression. Everyone knows that she was terrific as Belle in ROOTS, and that she was perfectly cast and downright iconic as the Queen of Zamunda in COMING TO AMERICA.

The Horn Section salutes the late, great Madge Sinclair on her 75th by highlighting some of her work that you may not have seen in a very long time, if at all. Suffice to say that if Madge Sinclair is in it, it is usually worth watching for her alone.

LEADBELLY (1976)

For all of her beauty and talent, Madge Sinclair was rarely offered leading roles. Partly due to her late start in films, and partly due to the sadly still limited opportunities for African-American actresses in the mid-Seventies. Her role in LEADBELLY is a minor one, as Roger E. Mosley's Shreveport benefactor, but it is her sexiest role on the big screen. She's given barely ten minutes onscreen but makes the most of it. Full Review Here

CONVOY (1978)

Sam Peckinpah's penultimate film (and biggest box office hit!) was a guilty pleasure and train wreck rolled into one. Saddled with a PG rating, Sam still snuck in a barroom brawl with ketchup splattering instead of blood. It may be a slapdash mess, SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT without the comedic highlights. But it is a must-see for Madge Sinclair fans, who will get to see the usually regal actress let it all hang out here as the corn-rowed, jean-jacketed, foulmouthed trucker. Madge's Widow Woman even throws her share of punches in the aforementioned barroom brawl and wrecks her truck at an intersection--the accident was unplanned, but written into the script after the fact per producer Michael Deeley. No matter to Madge, who clearly seems to relish the rare opportunity to get down and dirty for a part; she kicks the (white) truck and bemoans not selecting a black one(!). CONVOY is more than just an atypical Sinclair role, it's truly a one of a kind for an actress much better known for royalty than earthiness.

THE WHITE SHADOW: "Sudden Death" (1979)

CBS' sadly underappreciated THE WHITE SHADOW was ahead of its time, with episodes on segregated country clubs, autism, venereal disease, and the exploitation of high school players by coaches and agents. Sinclair's lone appearance (during Season 2) on the series was this intense drama dealing with the on-court seizure and death of one of Coach Reeves' players. As the mother who didn't want him playing basketball in the first place, the actress was again Emmy-worthy. As was often the case with this groundbreaking series, there was no softening of her character and no resolution. Few things on late Seventies prime time were more devastating that Madge Sinclair's cold, almost monotone grieving: "You killed my son!"

GUYANA TRAGEDY (1980)

Still not out on legitimate DVD, and possibly a PD title (I keep seeing supercheap, blurry DVD's out), GUYANA TRAGEDY nevertheless was a ratings grabber and Emmy winner in '80. Four hours simply wasn't long enough for all the bizarre twists and turns in the Jim Jones story, with most characters being composites due to the time constraints. Sinclair's composite included the passionate speech given by Christine Miller, Jonestown's "Voice of Independence". This after silently watching Jones (Emmy award winning Powers Boothe) esmasculate her son and take his bride. It's a tribute to her abilities that she pulls this scene off beautifully. GUYANA TRAGEDY also features fine work from several actors who frequently co-starred with Sinclair, including James Earl Jones, Levar Burton and Rosalind Cash. In fact, GUYANA TRAGEDY was the third time that Sinclair and Burton played mother and son (the others being ONE IN A MILLION: THE RON LeFLORE STORY and ALMOS' A MAN).

TRAPPER JOHN, M.D. (1980-1986)

as Nurse Ernestine Shoop. Yeah, I know, this CBS Sunday Night Nielsen mainstay isn't exactly obscure--it spent the first half of the Eighties in the Nielsen top 20. Still, despite its popularity, it hasn't been released on DVD as of 2013. No disrespect to the late Mary McCarty, but Sinclair's addition to the cast in Season 2 was a real coup for the show. Need proof? TRAPPER JOHN, M.D. received five Emmy nominations; three went to Madge Sinclair. "I Do, I Don't" and "Love and Marriage" were two particularly good episodes centering around Nurse Shoop. Come to think of it, this series needs its own "Why the Hell isn't this on DVD?" post. Thanks, Madge, for reminding me.

Madge Sinclair was actually diagnosed with leukemia shortly after joining the cast of TRAPPER JOHN, M.D. She not only outlived her prognosis by several years, she worked for the next thirteen years without interruption, adding a slew of Emmy nominations (and a win, finally, for GABRIEL'S FIRE in 1991) and well-remembered feature film roles in the aforementioned COMING TO AMERICA and THE LION KING (working with James Earl Jones in both). She passed away on December 20, 1995.

Film Reviews: Best of the Guest Posts

2013-03-23T17:31:00.004-07:00

Up and coming: I will be guesting at Rupert Pupkin Speaks yet again. Rupert's blog is one of my daily reads, and I strongly encourage you to follow the link and take a look. You'll find lots of leads on the obscure, overlooked, and the very old there.

I'm honored to be invited to participate in Mr. Pupkin's many cinematic compilations, and in the process, I've reviewed many films there for prior guest posts that never made it here to The Horn Section. Primarily because they're readily available on DVD. Below is a "best of" compilation from my past Guest Posts there. Stay tuned for another one soon! In the meantime, check these out. And if you'd been reading Rupert's blog all along, you'd have already read these! Hint, hint.

VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (1967)

(Bad Movies We Love series)

VALLEY OF THE DOLLS has been revered as perhaps the ultimate Bad Movie We Love for 45 years. The differences? The screenwriters didn’t try too hard (I.e. the attempt Ellison and Co. made to create a new, hip OCEAN’S 11 styled language throughout 1966’s THE OSCAR) and we actually saw these performers performing, rather than just telling us how great they are for two hours without giving us any backing evidence. As a result, VALLEY OF THE DOLLS gave us reason to believe that these flawed people are also talented--even if all the signing in the film was dubbed.

Jacqueline Susann’s trashy novel became a trashy movie, but featured far fewer Oscar winners embarrassing themselves than the aforementioned THE OSCAR. The only honorees embarrassing themselves in VALLEY were a horribly miscast Patty Duke and Susan Hayward. The one truly professional performance is from TV journeyman Paul Burke (NAKED CITY), who manages to keep a straight face while squeezing Duke’s face and trying to make the 20 year old actress (playing 26) look “thirty-six” with puffy cheeks and bloodshot eyes from the Dolls and booze. DOLLS’ charm comes from a cast full of TV names, and Barbara Parkins and Sharon Tate are hilariously wooden in contrast to Duke’s hystrionics. Special mention goes to Martin Milner, who actually appears to be phonetically reading his lines off a teleprompter, even when walking out on Duke’s Neely.

Everyone sleeps with everyone, everyone takes pills, and everyone gets swallowed up by Hollywood. Still, VALLEY OF THE DOLLS has been forgiven, probably because it’s been a consistent money maker while THE OSCAR was a notorious financial flop. No matter, they’re both trashy and overblown and downright lovable.

WILD IN THE STREETS (1968)

(Favorite Film Discoveries series 2011)

Satire about the youth revolution succeeding and putting a President in place who is a younger, urban version of Lonesome Rhodes, only more adept at manipulating The Game. As a matter of fact, he makes the career politicians look like amateurs. Implausible government takeover? Hell, try mathematically impossible. If 52% of the USA is ‘under 25’ as we're told, only half of those at best ( or roughly 26%) would be able to vote even if the age is lowered to 14 as it is in the film. Therefore, even if we assume that they vote unanimously, Christopher Jones’ Max Frost still wouldn't have enough votes to win even a threeway race (minimum 34%)! The 24 year old singing idol Frost also seems way too sexist to inspire complete unity, even by the standards of the era.

Okay, so there’s plenty here that is out of the realm of possibility, which means it ain’t quite DR. STRANGELOVE. WILD IN THE STREETS still has its moments, with more thought provoking elements than you‘d expect in a film by AIP. For example, check out the uncanny foreshadowing of Kent State. Jones, who should have had a bigger career, is much more charismatic than his character. Look for a young Richard Pryor, Kevin Coughlin, Millie Perkins, and Hal Holbrook channeling JFK as the candidate seeking the “youth vote“ and getting far more than he bargains for.

WILD IN THE STREETS is available for viewing on Netflix Instant.

HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART 1 (1981)

(Bad Movies We Love series)

Mel Brooks lost something when he stopped collaborating with Gene Wilder and gave himself more time on-camera after the twin triumphs of BLAZING SADDLES and YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN. The result: SILENT MOVIE and HIGH ANXIETY, both pretty funny but increasingly repetitive and self-indulgent. It was at this point of diminishing returns that Brooks decided to try the sketch movie, a genre that even at its best (KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE, GROOVE TUBE) is undisciplined by its very nature. From a filmmaking standpoint, HISTORY OF THE WORLD PART 1 is an absolute mess, with the least successful segment (the Roman empire) lasting the longest and the opening segment building little momentum with one clunker after another.

HISTORY is sloppily made with clumsy attempts to tie things together (“Miracle!”), Brooks mugging shamelessly and giving himself a half dozen roles, and (with collaborators like Andrew Bergman, Richard Pryor and Wilder missing) more toilet jokes than ever before. Why on earth does this effort get some love? The second half. No, the narrative doesn’t improve, but Brooks’ Spanish Inquisition by way of Busby Berkeley almost reaches the heights of “Springtime for Hitler”. Then he gives us a French Revolution that is tasteless, childish and very quotable (“Wait for the shake!” “It‘s GOOD to be da King!”). It’s never gets any less slapdash, but HISTORY OF THE WORLD PART 1 finally wears you down and makes the jump from painful groaner to guilty pleasure in its final 45 minutes. “The King and the Piss-Boy” might not quite have the same ring to it as “The Prince and the Pauper”, but Brooks proves that he can’t go wrong even when he isn’t going right. At least until LIFE STINKS, that is.

DEATH WISH 3 and ROCKY IV (both 1985)

(Bad Movies We Love series)

November 1985 began with DEATH WISH 3 atop the box office and ended with ROCKY IV’s record setting opening weekend, making it the ultimate month for 80’s action. Both featured iconic action heroes embracing the times and becoming larger than life superheroes. With Paul Kersey’s entire family completely wiped out by his third cinematic adventure, he’ll have to make do by dating a DA young enough to be his granddaughter and avenging an old war buddy who somehow smuggled two Browning machine guns home from Korea (and past the cops’ strict “no gun” policy). Absolutely nothing in DW3 makes sense: Kersey orders rocket launchers and elephant guns through the mail, executes a purse snatcher with the latter to the cheers of an entire neighborhood, and knocks out men one-fourth of his age with a single punch. In perhaps the biggest stretch of all, Kersey tells us that boiling cabbage “smells wonderful“. A complete riot literally and figuratively from beginning to end, DEATH WISH 3 becomes a little more entertaining with each viewing. The very definition of a Bad Movie We Love.

Paul Kersey singlehandedly reduced New York City’s population by about ten percent in his third outing. Meanwhile, there’s only one death in 91 minutes during ROCKY IV, but don’t think the 147 to 1 disadvantage in screen deaths makes Balboa’s fourth outing any less outlandish than Kersey’s third. After all, Balboa gets more ripped at age 40 than he ever was before, and does it with good old fashioned lumberjack work and mountain climbing while opponent Ivan Drago needs all the steroids he can get despite being 15 years younger, 70 pounds heavier and 10 inches taller. Gee, if Rocky had only trained in Siberia a decade earlier.

RAMBO aside, Stallone also shows us he’s a pacifist at heart(!), articulating (sort of) that “it’s better for two guys to be killing each other than 20 million” and winning the Cold War singlehandedly. His post fight speech gets a standing ovation from Gorbachev himself! Well, okay, the fake Gorbachev, looking like Frank Drebin just got through with him. More reliant on montages and more exaggerated than ever, ROCKY IV is so high comedy that Brigitte Nielsen’s accent isn’t even one of the 10 funniest things here.

After these antics, both Bronson and Stallone almost sheepishly tried to scale things back with their respective subsequent fifth installments (DEATH WISH 4 was also over the top, but couldn't match DW3--what could?). Still, we can all be thankful these long running franchises simultaneously embraced their inner cartoons for these classic time capsules of Eighties hubris. Watch them as a double feature, and for maximum recreation of the time and place, spin ZZ Top’s “Afterburner” during intermission.

Film Review: THE EVICTORS (1979)

2013-03-03T14:26:00.002-08:00

"Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" -- Number 89

THE EVICTORS (1979 American International Pictures) Starring Jessica Harper, Michael Parks, Vic Morrow, Sue Ann Langdon, Dennis Fimple, Bill Thurman, Jimmy Clem. Directed by Charles B. Pierce.

Harper and Parks are newlyweds relocating to rural northwestern Louisiana (from New Orleans) for Parks' new job at the cotton mill. Realtor Morrow sells them a house and also takes a shine to the Mrs., but she's faithful to her husband. She has other things on her mind, anyway: strange behavior from the locals and the rather gruesome history of her home. Morrow neglected to share the latter with the couple pre-purchase, but wheelchair-bound neighbor Langdon fills in the details. Parks' job proves to be more time consuming than anticipated. Meanwhile, Harper begins receiving threatening notes and seeing a hatted stalker.

What Louisville was to William Girdler (ABBY, SHEBA BABY), the Texarkana/Shreveport area was to Charles B. Pierce. The final film (after THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK and THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN) of the director's "Texarkana horror trilogy", THE EVICTORS is the most fully realized of the three. Pierce (who got his start in movies as a set director) again skillfully creates a proper atmosphere, but corrects some distracting errors from his prior works this time out.

The cheesy songs that hindered BOGGY CREEK are nowhere to be found, replaced by a score from Jaime Mendoza-Nava that enhances THE EVICTORS' tension. CREEK also had a sluggish pace; THE EVICTORS is methodical, but effective. Pierce himself stays behind the camera, which helps avoid the awful "comic relief" that marred SUNDOWN. In fact, THE EVICTORS may boast the director's strongest cast of the decade, with a resplendent Harper in especially fine form. And fine form.

While THE EVICTORS is the best executed of Pierce's "horror" efforts, it was the least successful at the box office by far. Mainly because a routine haunted house thriller/ghost story just didn't have the built-in audience of a film about "true Bigfoot sightings" or a real-life serial killer who was never caught. True, we're told this one is based on a true story at the outset, but the claim appears to be as authentic as the one that prefaced MACON COUNTY LINE.

The PG rating tells you THE EVICTORS is considerably less violent than THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN, but it is far from a tease, delivering the long-promised goods at its conclusion. That said, the murderer's identity is easy to solve (putting it kindly) if you've been paying attention. In fact, Pierce might even deliver too much. He includes at least one twist too many at the conclusion. (I mean, twenty years without a prescription change, or at least a replacement?) Having said that, aficionados of Pierce's other work will likely be happy to discover THE EVICTORS, and it may even impress a few non-fans.

So....why isn't this on DVD yet?

Actually, it is about to be. On May 21st it will be released in its entireity--as an extra on THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN's DVD release (but not the BluRay. Why?). Good news, but THE EVICTORS might well be deserving of the headlining spot.

Why it should be on DVD:

THE EVICTORS is highly enjoyable if you're a fan of Harper or of Pierce's better-known efforts.

If you'd like to look before you leap on the DVD in May, it is streaming on Netflix Instant.

Film Review: TOGETHER BROTHERS (1974)

2013-02-24T09:03:00.001-08:00

"Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" -- Number 88

TOGETHER BROTHERS (1974 20th Century Fox) Starring Ahmad Nurradin, Anthony Wilson, Nelson Sims, Ed Bernard, Glynn Turman, Lincoln Kilpatrick, Kim Dorsey, Owen Place, Frances E. Williams, Craig Campfield, Richard Yniquez, Lynne Holmes. Directed by William A. Graham.

Five year old Wilson witnesses the murder of respected policeman Bernard and is rendered mute by the shock. Wilson's teenaged brother Nurradin (who also considered Bernard a mentor) realizes his sibling will be targeted soon and tries to solve the murder himself. While the cops are frustratingly slow to follow up on leads, Nurradin's gang seeks a truce with rivals led by Yniquez while racing against time to locate Bernard's killer and protect Wilson.

A low budget, oft-forgotten entry misleadingly placed under the Blaxploitation label, TOGETHER BROTHERS contains several twists on expectations, starting with its unique locale. Director Graham (HONKY) filmed TOGETHER BROTHERS entirely on location in its Galveston, Texas setting. The gritty, unpolished look adds weight to the film's surprisingly varied themes.

On the surface, TOGETHER BROTHERS has much in common with the following year's CORNBREAD, EARL AND ME. Children band together to solve the seemingly senseless killing of a respected community leader, with the expected elements of police inefficiency and brutality. TOGETHER BROTHERS lacks the big name cast of the later film (which was headlined by the debuting, teenaged Laurence Fishburne) but more than makes up for it by presenting ghetto life from perspectives rarely seen at the time.

The inefficiency of the police (even when investigating the murder of a cop) is to be expected by the veteran filmgoer, but the specific abuse of power that ends up costing Bernard his life isn't. While Kilpatrick's character seems to revive uncomfortable and outdated bromides at first viewing, his strong performance is a plus in driving the film's major message home. Bernard may well be the most admired authority figure of this community: by blacks and Hispanics, differing social classes, young and old (the church is packed for his funeral). But even he isn't immune to a form of bigotry that is sadly deemed "acceptable" (in a very public display, to boot).

Graham took a gamble using many non professional actors for the juvenile roles. The performances given by Nurradin and (particularly) Wilson score, but other amateurs in the cast are easy to identify. This is a film that has few characters that aren't multi-dimensional, and several suspenseful moments after Nurradin and Yniquez put differences aside and work together on a daring caper at the police station itself.

TOGETHER BROTHERS makes for an uncomfortable first viewing at times, but the rough edges and more subtle points add to its rewatchability. Guided by Graham and assisted mightily by Galveston's own Barry White on the soundtrack, TOGETHER BROTHERS proves worthy of a second (and third) look.

So...why isn't this on DVD yet?

It may remind you of CORNBREAD, EARL AND ME on the surface, but none of the juvenile actors here went on to approximate Laurence Fishburne's success; apparently, few even chose acting as a profession. Nurradin only acted once more, in WOMEN OF SAN QUENTIN (1983; also directed by Graham). Turman's the biggest name here, doing a glorified cameo. By contrast, CORNBREAD boasted Bernie Casey, Madge Sinclair and Thalmus Rasulala.

While not entirely unsympathetic, on the surface Kilpatrick's character nevertheless revives some stereotypes sadly common for the film's era.

Why it should be on DVD:

TOGETHER BROTHERS might be guilty of a few cliches here and there, but the originality elsewhere outweighs them. Another film that fell through the cracks and may not leave a good first impression, but....look again. Graham directly mostly for television (GET CHRISTIE LOVE!), but his other features include CRY FOR ME, BILLY and WHERE THE LILIES BLOOM.

Star power might be lacking in front of the camera, but as mentioned above, the memorable soundtrack is provided by Barry White and (of course) the Love Unlimited Orchestra.

TOGETHER BROTHERS occasionally turns up on Fox Movie Channel.

The LEAST Safe for Work Post Ever: 6 from BLOWFLY

2013-02-08T21:08:00.003-08:00

WARNING: THE TITLE IS NOT MISLEADING. NOT *ONE* SINGLE VIDEO LINKED IN THIS POST IS SAFE FOR WORK. NOT EVEN CLOSE.

February the 14th brings another hopefully Happy Birthday to the Original Dirty Rapper, Blowfly a.k.a. Clarence Reid.

Saturday, February 9th brings "Papa" Fly back to the Dallas stage for the first time in four long years at Deep Ellum's Club Dada.

Either occasion gives us a good excuse to look back at some of the best selections from Blowfly's recording career, which now spans nearly a half century. We previously reviewed the legend's second comeback album of the new millenium, BLOWFLY'S PUNK ROCK PARTY back in 2006. Here's a half dozen more worth seeking out if you're into dirty jokes, funky music, rampant political incorrectness and over the top, hypersexual supervillainy. Complete with periodic NSFW video links and album covers (FINAL WARNING!). Let's proceed:

BLOWFLY AT THE MOVIES (1973)

The first half of the Seventies found anywhere from 16 to 25 tracks on a typical Blowfly album, many just a minute or two in length. Most were song parodies with a common theme, such as the Blowflyization of the Fifties in OLDIES BUT GOODIES or the sights of the nation in BLOWFLY ON TOUR. While many prefer his WEIRD WORLD OF BLOWFLY debut, my favorite of the bunch is AT THE MOVIES. Side One contains the classics "Freddy's Dick is Dead" and "Cross 110th Street" which are still part of Blowfly's live show. In case you're doubting the date I've put on it, the other parodies include "Papa Was a Rollin' Stone", "Back Stabbers" and "Superstition", all hits from 1972 getting the Blowfly treatment. Assisting Blowfly on all the Weird World releases (through 1981) was a top-notch backing band featuring Jerome Smith and Little Beaver on guitar, Chocolate Perry and Rick Finch on bass, and the Mike Lewis Orchestra providing strings and horns.

BLOWFLY DISCO (1975)

By this time Blowfly was still doing song parodies, but in longer form (usually 4 to 6 minutes) with about 7 or 8 tracks per album. Same backing band, same studio--in fact, Miami's "The Studio". While 1977's PORNO FREAK features another pre-Sugarhill Gang rap song in "To Fuck The Boss", DISCO is the stronger album to these ears. Frankie Valli's "Swearin' to God" becomes "Spread Your Cheeks", The "Goddamn" Isley Brothers' "Fight the Power" becomes "Kiss It All Around" ("They curse on this record anyway, so I have no problem doin' this shit") and, here's your first NSFW sampling, twisting a fondly remembered classic by the B.T. Express:

Maybe things were a little more polished by this time, with several songs sounding like they were recorded in more than one take as opposed to the off-the-cuff approach of Blowfly's earliest records, but the professionalism just provided more contrast in my opinion and made things funnier. The K.C. and the Sunshine Band parody sounds purfunctory, but the rest of the record is hilarious and "Shake Your Ass" remains a standard. A great introduction to the Weird World, this.

BLOWFLY'S PARTY (1980)

Blowfly's highest charting album and biggest seller was also his penultimate release for the Weird World label. By this time, original tunes were the order of the day, as the parodies virtually disappeared after DISCO. Two of his best loved R&B originals are here: "Girl Let Me Cum in Your Mouth" and this underground sensation:

"Blowfly's Rapp" hinted at the direction that Papa Fly was headed. He'd done rap songs before, but the transition from full time crooner and occasional rapper would reverse with his Weird World swan song:

RAPPIN', DANCIN' AND LAUGHIN' (1981)

There's a considerable amount of filler here, true: "Insects Theme" is just an instrumental version of "The Incredible Fulk" and "The Word Game" is pretty tame for a Blowfly LP. But "Convoy", "Fulk" and "Blowfly Vs. Darth Vader" more than make up for this minor inconvenience, and the hidden goodies within include the Man's complete diss of Kurtis Blow, a revised version of the alphabet (after which Blowfly has a spirited dispute with his creator) and, after Mr. Vader is destroyed, a mini-greatest hits of early Blowfly for about 4 1/2 minutes until the music stops. After a few polished records, the return of the impromptu 'Fly is welcome.

One question lingers. If the scientist had "tried that shit on frogs and hogs" and "Goddammit, it works", then why wouldn't at least one of those animals subjected to the successful experiments appear at the contest later in the song? A million dollars ought to entice a lot of farmers, right?

FRESH JUICE (1983)

After a two year break, Blowfly returned on Oops! records with a record that many consider to be his masterpiece. Rap and R&B co-exist in even amounts, with examples of the former finding Blowfly battling "The Vampire That Ate Miami" (a more formidable foe than Darth Vader, who was felled by a similar concoction that Count Fagula merely laughed at) and being elected "The First Black President". Reid returns to crooning as well, with "I've Got to be Free" being one of his best ballads and "She's Bad" being examples. And, dare I say, it, some social commentary? "Business Deal" finds Blowfly reversing the pro-sexual harassment sentiment of 1977's "To Fuck the Boss". And then there's "That's What your Pussy's Made For", which may be the quintessential Blowfly rap song. Seven minutes of incredibly over the top, un-PC sentiment that has lost little of its ability to offend thirty years later. Underneath it all (way underneath) is a cautionary tale about sheltering children, predator adults, absentee parents and birth control. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it:

Possibly most offensive to teachers. The protagonists' instructor does thoroughly improper things after class, and Blowfly rhymes "muscle" with "worser". At any rate, it opens this album flawlessly and IMO should have won a Grammy for Best Comedy Recording in 1984. "Eat It"? Please.

ELECTRONIC BANANA (1984)

The followup to FRESH JUICE found Papa Fly leaping headlong into the synthesizer era, with keyboards overshadowing all sonically. The songs were still hilarious, with "The Electronic Pussy Sucker" and "It Takes a Freak" commendably futuristic, and "Fuck the Devil" name checking Jayne Kennedy and Irene Cara in a good way and Redd Foxx and Richard Pryor in less reverential scenarios. It isn't all rap drenched in keyboards though. "Gimme That Old 69" is a brilliant Louis Armstrong pastiche (surprising that Reid never did one until '84) and "Rotten Fish" is calypso Blowfly, featuring a fake Jamaican accent to rival the one Pam Grier gave us in COFFY.

While you're acquainting (or reacquainting) yourself with the one and only Blowfly, rest assured we will also be back AT THE MOVIES next post!

Film Review: THE PRIDE OF ST. LOUIS (1952)

2013-01-07T20:16:00.001-08:00

"Why the Hell isn't This on DVD yet?" -- Number 87

THE PRIDE OF ST. LOUIS (1952 20th Century Fox) Starring Dan Dailey, Joanne Dru, Richard Crenna, Richard Hylton, Hugh Sanders, Chet Huntley, Stuart Randall. Directed by Harmon Jones.

Dailey is Jerome Dean, poor baseball prodigy with a grade school education who in 1928 has attracted the attention of St. Louis Cardinals' scout Sanders. The gregarious, brash Dailey is reluctant to start out in the minor leagues but soon glad he did since he meets and courts pretty Dru while in Houston. Nicknamed "Dizzy" by the chattering opposition, he adopts the moniker in stride. In rapid succession Dailey gets brother Crenna (as Paul "Daffy" Dean) signed by the Cards, takes Dru as his bride, and gets promoted to the big leagues. Something of a man-child with extraordinary talent, Dailey takes the National League by storm, and often frustrates Dru and manager Randall with his individualism and unrestrained antics. Dailey and Crenna lead the Cards to a title and the sky is the limit--until an injury cuts the formerly indestructible ace down in his prime. What's a man with the gift of gab but without a formal education to do after his playing career ends abruptly?

A self-promoter to rival Namath and Ali, "Dizzy" Dean was one of the most colorful characters in baseball history and the most disappointing aspect of THE PRIDE OF ST. LOUIS is how conventional it is. The final screenplay by the great Herman J. Mankiewicz (CITIZEN KANE), PRIDE OF ST. LOUIS follows the basic template that the writer used to great effect in his 1942 Lou Gehrig bio PRIDE OF THE YANKEES. However, the structure doesn't transfer well at all. The introverted, Columbia-educated northerner Gehrig and the boastful, motormouth Arkansan Dean had little in common besides the fact that both were among baseball's best players during the 1930's.

While both careers ended prematurely, only Gehrig's life did: there's a considerable difference between the diagnosis of ALS and a broken toe. Mankiewicz compensates by spending more time on the pitcher's lows (injury, marital problems, broadcasting protests), but Dean's cocky, rube-like antics in the major leagues are at the heart of his legend. Leading the Cardinals' band, predicting 45 wins from the Dean Brothers and working in the ticket office are all given mere seconds in a montage, and there's no mention at all of Dizzy literally "using his head" on the basepaths during the 1934 World Series or his famous quote after brother Paul's no-hitter the same year ("If I'd a known, I'd a throwed one too!").

Dailey is the film's biggest asset, giving a clearly well researched performance. Dailey captures Dean's pitching motion, sense of mischief and language as well as anyone could be expected to, and carries PRIDE OF ST. LOUIS through its conformism. He brings this man of self-confidence and stubbornness to life and manages to keep this rapscallion likable despite his complete inability to listen. Dailey's Dean talks at people constantly, not to them--a harmful character flaw in everyday life, but a perfect quality for a career at the mic.

Dru is fine but underutilized as the eternally patient Mrs. Dean: her real life shrewd business management of her husband's interests is also ignored in the screenplay. Despite this and the other letdowns, Mankiewicz was nominated for an Oscar. The film was a box office success in 1952 and Dizzy Dean was elected to Cooperstown the following year, so PRIDE OF ST. LOUIS obviously struck a chord. It isn't a bad film by any means, just an acceptable one that could have been so much more given Dailey's fine work and the wealth of source material on its legendary subject. At 93 minutes, this one could actually stand to be longer.

So...why isn't this on DVD yet?

While it may not stick in your memory the way that PRIDE OF THE YANKEES does, this DVD omission is as baffling as one of Dizzy's pitches. Bios of Jackie Robinson and Monty Stratton from the same era have been out for years now. Granted, 1948's THE BABE RUTH STORY is still missing, but despite its flaws PRIDE OF ST. LOUIS is much better executed than that legendary fiasco.

Why it should be on DVD:

Bill James stated in his 2000 Historical Abstract that Dean remained popular because he represented a rural America that "had been a part of who we were" and was missed by the time of his sportscasting peak. It's a good point, but one could also say Dean was ahead of his time. Thirty years after Dean, Joe Namath, Muhammed Ali and Reggie Jackson were following in Dizzy's footsteps: making boasts, backing them up and being very quotable while doing it. That is reason enough to rediscover this almost forgotten film bio.

Also in need of rediscovery is star Dan Dailey, a talented actor somewhat overlooked by modern audiences. Best known for musical roles and as Betty Grable's favorite co-star, Dailey (who was Oscar-nominated for Best Actor in 1948's WHEN MY BABY SMILES AT ME) shows off another side of his talent here. THE PRIDE OF ST. LOUIS turns up occasionally on Fox Movie Channel.

The Horn Section Salutes: Jack Klugman (1922-2012)

2012-12-25T07:42:00.001-08:00

We've had Blue Christmases in the fairly recent past, losing Dean Martin and Butterfly McQueen in 1995 and Eartha Kitt in 2008. Sadly, 2012 joined this list, getting a lot less merry with the news that the Big Q himself, Jack Klugman, shuffled off this mortal coil at age 90.

Naturally, it's QUINCY, M.E. that we revere him for, and despite my terminal laziness we have managed a number of episode reviews from the show's final seasons. Always keep in mind, we kid because we love and there's certainly more of The Big Q coming to The Horn Section. Klugman's brilliant work recently returned to Netflix Instant, this time with the legendary "Next Stop, Nowhere!" included.

There was a lot more to remember him for, including four classic TWILIGHT ZONE episodes ("A Passage for Trumpet" was my personal favorite), THE ODD COUPLE (wasn't that easy for actors to score back to back TV winners back in the day, but Jack did it), and of course, TWELVE ANGRY MEN (1957, with the also legendary Jack Warden). Sadly, Mr. Klugman was the last of the angry men standing from that classic.

Everybody loved this guy!

R.I.P. Mr. Klugman. As always, more to come.

Film Review: TOUGH GUYS (1986)

2012-12-16T23:46:00.003-08:00

"Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" -- Number 86

TOUGH GUYS (1986 Touchstone) Starring Burt Lancaster, Kirk Douglas, Charles Durning, Alexis Smith, Dana Carvey, Eli Wallach, Darlanne Fluegel, Billy Barty. Directed by Jeff Kanew.

Lancaster and Douglas are the masterminds of "America's last train robbery", finally paroled after finishing a 30 year sentence. Lancaster is over the state's mandatory retirement age and starstruck parole officer Carvey has a nursing home residency lined up for him. Douglas, not yet seventy, goes back to work and "dresses like Bozo the Clown tryin' to fit in", scoring a date with aerobics instructor Fluegel in the process. Deciding they just aren't cut out for going straight or being put out to pasture, they choose to rob the still running train from their youth and "do it right this time"--unaware that cop Durning has had them under surveillance, expecting them to do just that.

Veteran tough guys grayed the action genre frequently in 1986. Charles Bronson (MURPHY'S LAW) and Lee Marvin (THE DELTA FORCE) still got their names above the title, and even Forrest Tucker headlined a last hurrah (THUNDER RUN). But despite the title and advertising proclaiming it "the action comedy of the Fall", TOUGH GUYS is weighted much more heavily towards the latter half of that equation.

Not that the leads aren't game for he-man feats. In fact, the biggest problem is that Lancaster and Douglas are never seriously challenged. Whether the two unarmed senior citizens are subduing gun-wielding bank robbers or punching out half a dozen gang members with knives, they dispatch all opposition with less difficulty than the young Steven Seagal. Proving he's an equal opportunity ass kicker, Douglas also finishes Durning off with a single punch.

If beating up men old enough to be their grandsons (with nary a scratch in return) isn't enough for you, Douglas picks up the twentyish Fluegel at the gym within minutes of his arrival (she just gives him her number after a single joke) and makes love to her that same night. Charles Bronson got more resistance from Deborah Raffin in DEATH WISH 3. Then again, even Mr. Kersey didn't dare to show off his bare chest at 71 like Douglas does. Hell, he's pumping iron in his cell in the opening scene.

What's this Electric Boogaloo you speak of?

Witnessing the oldsters pulling off one superhuman feat after another, you can't help but wonder how they got caught in the first place. Or how that prison managed to hold them for thirty years. The two stars amiably stroll through it all, which undermines the poignancy Kamen was obviously aiming for by opening the film with Kenny Rogers' "They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To" (which was nominated for a Golden Globe).

When Lancaster badgers Jake Steinfeld for "real food" he could just as easily be talking to screenwriters James Orr and Jim Cruickshank. TOUGH GUYS' biggest flaw is that lack of tension. It's a buddy comedy without any witty banter or sense of competition between its heavyweight stars, which is a real shame because both certainly seem game for challenging material. Douglas is in remarkable shape for his age and gets the bigger (if far more obvious) chuckles with his crash courses in Eighties fashion and slam dancing (to the Red Hot Chili Peppers!). For his part, Lancaster gets a more age appropriate romance with Smith as he longs to do something productive.

GOING IN STYLE (1979) covered much of the same territory with more resonance and bigger laughs. That film compensated for its plotholes with touching humor driven by the characters' vulnerabilities and a slow-developing caper to go with the charm of its venerable stars. By comparison, TOUGH GUYS never rises above the level of agreeable time filler, coasting on the chemistry between the two leads in their seventh and final screen collaboration. Eli Wallach provides strong support, stealing several scenes as a nearsighted hit man with pride in his work that is undiminished by the passing of three decades.

So....why isn't this on DVD yet? (In the U.S.A.)

TOUGH GUYS isn't exactly a must-see, and it isn't exactly rare either. It's available at Amazon Instant, on Region 2 DVD, and at YouTube. But curiously, it still lacks an official DVD release in the U.S. Strange, given the always viable drawing power of Lancaster and Douglas (both among AFI's top 20 male stars of all time) and the selling point of their final collaboration.

Why it should be on DVD (In the U.S.A.):

Wallach (97), Douglas (96) and Durning (89) are all still with us more than a quarter century later. DVD commentary, anyone? The film also has a Red Hot Chili Peppers song that is otherwise unavailable ("Set it Straight").

Film Review: ALWAYS LEAVE THEM LAUGHING (1949)

2012-12-05T21:13:00.003-08:00

"Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" -- Number 85

ALWAYS LEAVE THEM LAUGHING (1949 Warner Brothers) Starring Milton Berle, Virginia Mayo, Ruth Roman, Bert Lahr, Lloyd Gough, Grace Hayes, Jerome Cowan, Alan Hale Sr. Directed by Roy Del Ruth.

Agent Gough attempts to discourage an aspiring young comic by telling him client Berle's story. Berle is a brash, energetic comic whose ambition leads him to hog the stage and steal the material of others. While Gough struggles to get Berle better bookings, the comedian takes a shine to Roman and tries to resurrect her parents' (Hale and Hayes) old vaudeville act. Given a shot as a single, Berle drops the act, lying to Roman in the process ("it's a lead!"). He is shown the error of his ways by veteran comic Lahr and gets a lesson in opportunism from Lahr's wife Mayo. Is it too late to patch things up with Roman, the sweet girl he left behind?

In Berle's sole attempt to transfer his wild TEXACO STAR THEATRE success to the big screen during his TV peak, the comedian had considerable creative control--few performers in any medium were hotter in 1949. The end result? Uncle Miltie is in almost every scene and he turns ALWAYS LEAVE THEM LAUGHING into a fascinating rebuttal to his detractors, the columnists and fellow performers who nicknamed him the "Thief of Badgags". The LAUGHING Berle acknowledges that he once used the jokes of others out of insecurity, but only became a success after he rejected that approach and developed his own original act. Joke theft, he maintains, had nothing to do with him attaining "Mr. Television" status: if anything, it was a hindrance and kept him from breaking through sooner.

The old school routines are made to order for longtime hoofers Berle and Lahr, and the underrated Roman never looked (or danced) better. A little of Uncle Miltie can sometimes go a long way, which is why he was most effective in well directed ensembles like IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD and WHO'S MINDING THE MINT? To be fair, Berle's hammy moments onstage can be forgiven as befitting this character. He's less convincing in dramatic moments offstage, nowhere near as nuanced as he'd become later when he received good reviews for serious turns in LEPKE (1975) and THE OSCAR (1966). In the latter, Berle probably gave the only performance that was well reviewed!

When you're the Skipper's dad, you can get two chicks at once! Take THAT, Berle!!!

ALWAYS LEAVE THEM LAUGHING is a tad long at 116 minutes, and the film didn't leave much of an impression at the box office in late 1949. Berle went back to being television's first superstar; it would be fourteen years until his next feature (the aforementioned MAD MAD WORLD) and he never again received top billing on the big screen. For that reason alone ALWAYS LEAVE THEM LAUGHING is worth a look, and with Lahr and Berle onstage frequently the film is packed with moments to watch for if you're a vaudeville fan. Mayo and Roman both hold their own onstage with the comics, Wally Vernon plays himself, and if you watch closely, you'll see Sid Melton and Mary Castle (both uncredited).

So.....why isn't this on DVD yet?

Warners pretty much buried it for a long time after its box office failure, and it isn't helped by the inclusion of about a minute of blackface during an Al Jolson parody (Berle is booed offstage, at least). Mercifully, it's brief, and I realize this is told in flashback, but still...in a 1949 film?

Why it should be on DVD:

Some classic vaudeville chestnuts, and your one chance to see Milton Berle carrying a film. Ruth Roman (STRANGERS ON A TRAIN, THE BABY) never looked more ravishing. For some reason, Warner Archive hasn't gotten around to ALWAYS LEAVE THEM LAUGHING yet, but one would hope it happens eventually. For now, it occasionally turns up on TCM.

Crush-A-Thon: Marie Gomez of BARQUERO (1970)

2012-11-26T10:32:00.003-08:00

This is the Horn Section's contribution to the Jennifer Connelly Memorial Crushathon hosted by our pal Todd at Forgotten Films! By all means check out the earlier entries in this great idea for a blogathon, which started on Thanksgiving and has contributions from several of us in blogger land.

As always, I am honored to be invited, and I highly recommend checking out the archives at Forgotten Films. Here is today's post as it appears at the Blogathon there.

I've written about my own celebrity crushes from time to time (Tamara Dobson and Diana Sands, R.I.P.) so for Todd's blogathon I chose another lovely lady who captured my attention way back when but hasn't had her moment in the sun at the Section yet. Until now, that is.

BARQUERO was a childhood favorite of mine despite being very hard to find for three decades after its 1970 arrival. Never released on VHS and yet to make it to DVD, this ultraviolent (over a hundred deaths--go ahead, count 'em!) Western barely rated a blip in Maltin's Film Guide and could only occasionally be seen in late night superstation showings.

Once Showtime (and later Encore) began airing BARQUERO regularly around the turn of the century, fans discovered a hidden treasure. BARQUERO boasted a great cast headed by Leone (Lee Van Cleef) and Peckinpah (Warren Oates) cult favorites and arguably the best late-career role for Horn Section patron saint and 1950's Western icon Forrest Tucker. The benefit of hindsight also revealed this western's commentary on the then-current Vietnam conflict that was completely missed by mainstream film reviewers--not one review I could find from 1970 caught it.

Lee Van Cleef is a lucky man

Fortunately BARQUERO has become much easier to see on Retroplex, Encore Westerns and (for a time) Netflix Instant in recent years, but we're still waiting on that long-overdue DVD release, something I already covered back in 2006 when I made BARQUERO the very first review here at The Horn Section. Yes, this was "Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" Number One. As you've surely noticed from the leads, this is a guy's movie through and through, complete with requisite eye candy. Mariette Hartley is top billed among the fairer sex, but with all due respect to her, I barely remembered she was in it afterwards. In the eyes of this young man, the pretty redhead was out va-va-voomed by a wide margin, thanks to the presence of Marie Gomez as Nola, girlfriend of the titular character played by Lee Van Cleef.

In the film Hartley wasn't impressed, telling Travis the Barquero that he'd "never known a real woman" and further asserting that the tomboyish Nola is "half a man". Come on! Obviously a bunch of meowing about the competition. It's easy to see that Hartley's claims are just sour grapes when the busty Latina lass makes her first appearance.

How sexy was Marie Gomez in this film? Put it this way: I can't stand smoking, but I thought she was smokin' even when greeting us with a cigar in her mouth.

Beyond her obvious attributes, one quickly understands what the taciturn Van Cleef sees in her. She makes her way through the town of squatters with the same paucity of words the Barquero gives his customers, effortlessly commanding the attention of most of the men ("Take your time" is her response to the overeager blacksmith) and showing palpable disgust with the self-appointed religious leader with a single brief expression.

Not once during BARQUERO's 113 minute running time does Gomez' Nola become a damsel in distress. Quite the contrary. She handles her impressive rifle as well as any of her manly co-stars, firing quickly and accurately during the shootouts with Oates' mercenaries over Van Cleef's barge. When the aforementioned religious leader suggests burning the boat and tries to rally support to do so, it's Nola who quickly quells the coup by threatening to shoot him herself.

"She will!" confirms the man to her right. Judging from the crooked preacher's reaction, he didn't need the echo. Nola and Travis are bonded by toughness, self-sufficiency and a decidedly secular outlook.

Hartley's husband is the lone settler who doesn't make it across the river, and she offers herself to Van Cleef in exchange for a rescue. This is an intriguing development: Van Cleef takes Hartley up on the offer....

...and Gomez is cool with it, to the point of bringing him coffee afterwards and smiling knowingly at Hartley when the Barquero returns to her.

Van Cleef might wander from time to time, but he won't leave the woman he knows he belongs with. Gomez again expresses that she knew it all along with nary a word. The titular character is a very lucky man indeed.

Nola's intriguing and mysterious, and you could say the same for the actress portraying her. BARQUERO was my first exposure to Marie Gomez, and this preteen sought out other credits for his newfound crush.

Unfortunately I found there were few other credits to peruse, especially in those pre-IMDB days. (How did we ever live without it?) Gomez began her career with a Golden Globe nominated splash in THE PROFESSIONALS (1966) and became familiar to U.S. television viewers through her popular recurring role as Perlita in NBC's THE HIGH CHAPPARAL (1967-1971). Then she vanished after a too-brief five year heyday, with BARQUERO being her last screen credit to date. 1968's THE DARING GAME was the only other role of substance I found. Marie Gomez' busty figure also made her a popular magazine model during the last half of the swingin' Sixties.

I was reminded of her every time I revisited BARQUERO, and the beautiful Latina remained mysterious well into my adulthood, finally resurfacing in 2005 to be interviewed for the DVD release of THE PROFESSIONALS. She also made it to the 40th anniversary cast reunion for HIGH CHAPPARAL in Studio City, California. It was during an interview for the latter that I learned where she'd been all those years: mostly, doing charity work for orphans in Mexico and for The Lord's Lighthouse. Hopefully the near future will bring Gomez' participation in the extras for BARQUERO's long overdue DVD release.

Onscreen, she shone briefly but unforgettably. She may not be the most mysterious of my childhood crushes any longer, but whether brandishing a rifle or just attitude, Marie Gomez is still one of the sexiest and most memorable.

Film Review: STREETWISE (1984)

2012-11-12T20:54:00.001-08:00

"Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" -- Number 84

STREETWISE (1984 Bear Creek Productions) Documentary with Roberta Joseph Hayes, "Tiny" a.k.a. Erin, Dewayne Pomeroy, Lulu Couch, Tom Waits, Pattie, Rat, Shellie, "Shadow", Kim and Baby Gramps as themselves. Directed by Martin Bell. Written and Produced by Cheryl McCall.

The boom boxes and snippets of "Electric Avenue", "Burning Down the House" and "Rockit" emanating from them indicate that it's 1983. The buskers could come from any number of cities, but the seagulls and the distant foghorn are telling us we're in Seattle. While Harper's famously billed it as America's Most Livable City, a close look at its streets reveals a number of damaged teenagers. STREETWISE focuses on the everyday lives of nine of those teens.

These Gen Xers (or, for you Strauss and Howe readers, 13ers) would be "latchkey" kids if they had a home to go to. They have crushes and disagreements like we all did at that age, but also a world weariness that can only come from life on the streets. Tricks of the trade include prank calls to Shakey's Pizza (so that fresh pies will end up in the dumpster) and a finely developed system to determine the age of discarded food. Some earn money from prostitution. Others earn more "honest" money by donating blood--very frequently.

Following up on a LIFE magazine article she wrote with Mary Ellen Mark, McCall traveled back to Seattle to produce this heartbreaking documentary with Bell (AMERICAN HEART). It's sobering to see these kids, owing wisdom beyond their years to lives of underclassed self-suffiency, yet becoming children in the presence of their respective parents who have problems of their own. To name one example, Tiny's mother is an alcoholic and refers to her daughter's prostitution as a phase she's going through.

Those problems keep them from being the parents these hardened teens need. Another parent just can't understand why her daughter won't come home since the child's stepfather "isn't molesting her anymore". There's next to nothing comforting in watching STREETWISE, and several of the participants met with predictably sad ends. Dewayne Pomeroy (whose father spends an entire jail visit from his son awkwardly attempting discipline) and Lulu were among them.

Eschewing adult narration for haunting voiceovers from its young participants, STREETWISE may not be pleasant, but it is a must-see that has lost little of its power with the passage of nearly three decades. The very real desperation depicted in STREETWISE will probably make you ashamed of watching the scripted, frivolous "reality" shows plastered across TV screens today.

So.....why isn't this on DVD yet?

Well, let's face it, while I consider it essential viewing, STREETWISE is a grim hour and a half. I watched my VHS copy of it exactly once in the late 1980's, sat stunned for several minutes afterward, and didn't revisit it for probably a decade.

Why it should be on DVD:

One of the very best documentaries of its decade (Academy Award nominated in 1985; lost to THE LIFE AND TIMES OF HARVEY MILK) and probably more relevant than ever in today's worsening economic times. STREETWISE begs for a DVD release with extras, which should definitely include the 23 minute followup film "Erin" from McCall and Mark in 2005.

Until that happens, STREETWISE can be found on YouTube. Also on Veoh.

Still Don't Know Why the Hell they aren't on DVD.....

2012-10-17T08:02:00.001-07:00

....but they made my list of VHS Gems over at Rupert Pupkin Speaks!

Mr. Pupkin started a new series of guest posts, and if you'll peruse, you'll find numerous gems worth seeking out that made it to VHS back in the day, but remain unavailable on DVD. You know, kinda like we do here one at a time. Except you get multiple leads each post!

My list is Seventies-centric, since I saw so many films from the decades since on the lists of others. No matter which film era or genre is your fave, you'll likely find something new to seek out on the VHS Gems series. Thanks again to Mr. Pupkin for the invite!

And as always while you're there, be sure to check out more of Rupert's finds in other categories. He's a great source for what is available at The Warner Archive. Happy hunting, and stay tuned for more reviews here.

Television Review: CANNON: "Photo Finish" (1974)

2012-09-22T22:00:00.003-07:00

CANNON: Photo Finish (Season 3; 1974) Starring William Conrad, Jack Cassidy, Herb Edelman, Hal Williams. Directed by George McGowan. Written by John Hawkins.

I've written about CBS' 1971-76 series CANNON before, but never given any of the episodes the QUINCY, M.E. treatment. And I still haven't, because this isn't a play by play breakdown of "Photo Finish", just a normal review. What can I say, I'm out of practice after an extended break.

CANNON is a Horn Section favorite for a number of reasons. First, it was one of the few long-running series of the 1970's to feature only one regular cast member. Second, it's a refreshing throwback in terms of network interference. With a distinct lack of pandering to audience demographics, the balding, portly, Fiftyish William Conrad was trusted to keep us interested with no perceived need to bring in a "young stud" to attract the ladies (i.e. Mark Shera in BARNABY JONES or Joe Penny in Conrad's later JAKE AND THE FATMAN) or eye candy for the men (Lee Meriwether in JONES). Don't get me wrong: I liked BARNABY too, but I'm a purist, and CANNON stayed a loner all the way to the 1976 end of his series.

Finally, CANNON had more good scripts than bad scripts, emphasized brains over brawn the majority of the time and didn't overstay its welcome. You won't get hit over the head with any social issues here, since CANNON was always about the case itself. Frank Cannon won't preach, but he will stop for a gourmet meal from time to time (like, about three or four times per episode). He knows judo too, but that doesn't come into play in "Photo Finish", the show's first episode of that Watergate year of 1974.

Retired cop turned expensive P.I. Frank Cannon arrives at the firing range to speak with a new prospective client, Mr. O'Hara. "General O'Hara", he's corrected, by a lady who's clearly an admirer. Played by COLUMBO villain extraordinaire Jack Cassidy, General O'Hara turns out to be one of those popular character types on network dramas of the period: the high ranking official from an unnamed country with diplomatic immunity in the United States. After he establishes himself as a card carrying badass (shrugging off a perfect showing on the range as "par for the course" at the world class level) we get down to business.

The general's brother was killed in California several years earlier, and O'Hara wants to hire Cannon to identify the murderer. It's a tricky assignment--he was using an alias and O'Hara initially wants Cannon to notify him, and him only. Cannon refuses on those grounds, but O'Hara is persistent about "the best". He offers a substantial increase in Cannon's already high fee and acquiesces to the P.I.'s insistence on taking any murderer he finds to the police.

A dogged investigation ensues, with gunshots coming Cannon's way in his high rise apartment (from a helicopter) and at a phone booth. The detective is unnerved, but carries on, checking in with O'Hara every other day. An entire act is spent on one lead, only to take us back to square one. With the assistance of former colleague Edelman, Cannon finally uncovers the killer who was never brought to justice and more information about his employer's background. Let's just say the casting of Cassidy should tip off any Seventies TV fan, and the finale lives up to the episode's title.

"Photo Finish" is the only CANNON episode scripted by John Hawkins (BONANZA), and he does a commendable job not only providing a compelling plot but also of avoiding the show's cliches. In addition to the lack of judo chops, Cannon also manages to avoid a concussion this time. Hawkins adeptly reminds us why we enjoyed visiting Frank Cannon every week, providing excellent examples of Cannon's courage, resourcefulness and determination to do the right thing.

Is it live, or..........

......is it Memorex?

One of the primary reasons to wait for CANNON's Third Season on DVD (update: Amazon now shows it available for pre-order on demand), "Photo Finish" is a prime example of why I consider Season 3 to be CANNON at its peak. Yup, I'm avoiding spoilers AND snark this time out, but I will say you will find a few things to be snarky about once you watch this one. Maybe I'll give it the full enchilada sometime in the future.

In the meantime, let's be happy that we can finally get Season 3 of CANNON through Amazon, since the Me-TV brain trust has decided to give Battling Bill Conrad a breather. It's a damned frustrating programming decision!

Benching us and keeping DANIEL BOONE??? Are you kidding me????

I hear ya, dude, I hear ya. More reviews to come!

Film Review: THE SENIORS (1978)

2012-08-08T18:51:00.002-07:00

"Why the Hell is this in so many dollar DVD bins?"

THE SENIORS (1978 Cinema Shares International) Starring Jeffrey Byron, Dennis Quaid, Gary Imhoff, Lou Richards, Priscilla Barnes, Alan Reed, Rocky Flintermann, Edward Andrews, Ian Wolfe, Woodrow Parfrey, Alan Hewitt, Lynn Cartwright, Robert Emhardt, Troy Hoskins. Directed by Rod Amateau. Written by Stanley Shapiro.

Byron, Quaid, Imhoff and Richards are the titular students on the verge of graduation, a terrifying prospect. After all four strike out at obtaining funds for graduate school, leader Byron uses nerdy virgin Flintermann's connection with reclusive Nobel Prize winning scientist Reed to obtain a $50,000 grant for a study on "Sex and the College Girl". The guys "give" their "housekeeper" Barnes to Flintermann in return, and set about paying female volunteers $20 per hour while serving as the males themselves....initially.

Filmed at Southern Methodist University in Dallas and featuring many Texas actors (including leads Quaid and Richards), THE SENIORS could have only been made in the pre-HIV Seventies. Amateau and Shapiro were both seasoned old hands at the sex comedy by this time, their credits dating back to LOVE THAT BOB and PILLOW TALK respectively. Perhaps as a result, THE SENIORS combines the cheerfully casual sexism of mid-Sixties Hollywood comedies (i.e. A GUIDE FOR THE MARRIED MAN) with the more explicit content that the Seventies allowed.

Actually, casual sexism is an understatement, but it's so over the top in THE SENIORS that it's actually hard to get offended. The treatment of gorgeous Barnes (playing a nymphomaniac who loves to clean, cook and play "four on one" with our heroes) is remarkably hideous. Byron gestures at her, telling Flintermann that "this (not "she") could have been yours"; she immediately becomes Flintermann's "sex slave" after Byron and company give the word; and the future THREE'S COMPANY star hasn't a single line but does get topless. Cartwright has the only other female role that's more than a cameo, as the Seniors' unknowing benefactor who mistakenly thinks that Reed has the libido of ten college students. For her trouble, the human hating (but mosquito loving) scientist sprays her with a fire extinguisher, "smokes" her out of the chimney, and fires a 12 gauge at her twice. But on the plus side, she has plenty of dialogue.

THE SENIORS isn't quite as titillating as is promised by the subject matter. Then again, given the filmmakers' respective backgrounds in a more innocent time, perhaps this isn't so surprising. Only three other females (admittedly both well endowed, though one is clearly 'enhanced') join Barnes in actually getting topless, and the nudity goes no further. The sex scenes tastefully come to a halt after our foursome decides to delegate their activities to lecherous local businessmen willing to make a "donation".

The final half hour of SENIORS gets plot-heavier than most films of this stripe as our entrepreneurs take in some corrupt partners who would fit perfectly in the post Glass-Steagall financial world. By this time, banker Andrews asserts that "The corporation is too big to fall!" and Police Inspector Hewitt asserts that "There are times when in order to uphold the law, you must break it!" The most prescient T and A comedy ever made? Perhaps.

While one doesn't exactly tune in to films like THE SENIORS for thick plotting and corporate satire, the fine assortment of veteran character actors turns out to be a solid plus. Andrews plays a greedy banker as well as anyone this side of Raymond Bailey. Emhardt is as untrustworthy as ever as a Bishop who secures "honest and discreet" help for the study. Wolfe and Parfrey make a hilarious comedy team as an ancient feminine hygiene magnate and the toadying lawyer who serves as his "ears". Best of all is Reed (the former Fred Flintstone) in his acting swan song as the obviously German ("sauerbraten and pancakes?") three time Nobel Prize winner ("it should have been four") who becomes the unwitting front man for the most-talked about sex study since the Kinsey Report.

Byron's dime store platitudes in voice over are as unconvincing as any campaign speech at the film's close, and simultaneous sloppiness onscreen doesn't help (i.e. female names under the yearbook pics of Byron and Richards). As was the case in the aforementioned GUIDE FOR THE MARRIED MAN, reality intrudes on the male fantasy world and leads to a moralistic conclusion after a frighteningly "close call" for our good guys.

Well, sort of. The coda shows us where the line is drawn. Let's just say that the guys don't decide against their original idea on a smaller scale. After revisiting it for one of the few times since it was forbidden late night fruit for us male teens who weren't old enough to drive, I can safely say THE SENIORS remains a "Bad Movie I Love". It's incredibly chauvinistic and skimps on its original assignment in the final act, but doesn't cop out completely.

A time capsule, dated on arrival (i.e. Gene Cotton's soundtrack) and ahead of its time all at once, THE SENIORS might have been more explicit had it arrived a couple of years later. As it is, it forms a perfect double feature with 1986's MALIBU BIKINI SHOP: respectively epitomizing the salad days and the last gasp of the R-rated sex comedy's Golden Age.

This one's on DVD????

Yup, on too many labels to count. Originally distributed by Cinema Shares International, THE SENIORS appears to have lapsed into the public domain after a mere thirty years, since my copy is obviously a bootleg and there's at least three different releases for sale at any given time on Amazon, usually touting Dennis Quaid's presence. A remastering would be great. Perhaps the four leads could reunite for a commentary? If not, at least have some extras, preferably with Barnes getting a chance to speak this time.

Video Review: GET OUT OF MY ROOM (1985)

2012-07-22T13:25:00.001-07:00

"Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" -- Number 83

CHEECH AND CHONG: GET OUT OF MY ROOM (1985 Universal Home Video) Starring Cheech Marin, Tommy Chong, Evelyn Guerrero, Jan-Michael Vincent, Cassandra Peterson, Beverly D'Angelo, Alana Soares, Lelani Soares, Mary Woronov, John Paragon. Directed by Cheech Marin.

Paragon interviews Richard "Cheech" Marin, Tommy Chong and various fans of the comedy team while providing a window into the creative process of making the duo's first LP in five years, GET OUT OF MY ROOM. The resulting 52 minute special of the same name also serves as a video EP for the album, with four tracks ("Get Out of My Room", "I'm Not at Home Right Now", "Love is Strange" and "Born in East L.A.") getting the MTV treatment.

After twin box office disasters (STILL SMOKIN' and barely released CORSICAN BROTHERS) left the unmistakable impression that the team was nearing the end of the line, Cheech and Chong went back to their recording studio roots. The resulting LP didn't make anyone forget BIG BAMBU or LOS COCHINOS but it was a moderate hit in 1985. Taking a stab at a mockumentary was inspired, likely by the wild success of the prior year's THIS IS SPINAL TAP. To further shake things up, the video marked Marin's directorial debut (Chong had previously helmed four of their features).

Long-time fans of the duo will appreciate the surfeit of recognition humor from Cheech and Chong's prime years. Among the nuggets: the title track being sung by THE WEDDING ALBUM's Johnny Stash ("Black Lassie") and Chong's calming technique from UP IN SMOKE introducing one video. Tommy Chong pretty much disowned GET OUT OF MY ROOM as Marin's baby in his biography, but the chemistry between the two appears as strong as ever during the interview segments.

Unfortunately, veteran aficionados can also discern further evidence that Cheech and Chong are running low in inspiration. Cheech alter ego Ian Rotten and the title track are (respectively) half-hearted echoes of Alice Bowie and "Earache My Eye". To be fair, the video itself does provide some retro-chuckles with spot on spoofs of everything cheesy about Eighties videos. This sadly isn't the case elsewhere: instead of spoofing the futuristic video cliches of the era, "Love is Strange" emulates them, and while Woronov and D'Angelo contribute their cameos here they're given little to do other than be recognizable.

The video ends with "Born in East L.A.", the Springsteen parody that ended up getting a lot of MTV play in the fall of 1985. This segment clearly was Cheech's baby: Chong is nowhere to be found. It was a harbringer of things to come. GET OUT OF MY ROOM turned out to be Marin's springboard to a solo career, and his next project on both sides of the camera was expanding BORN IN EAST L.A. to feature length in 1987 with Jan-Michael Vincent reprising his video role as the immigration officer.

The original music video was the highlight of both versions of GET OUT OF MY ROOM and arguably more memorable than the subsequent film, but it would be nearly a quarter century until Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong collaborated again. GET OUT OF MY ROOM is middle-grade Cheech and Chong on the whole, but that still makes it a much better swan song than THE CORSICAN BROTHERS and easily their funniest project since THINGS ARE TOUGH ALL OVER.

So...why isn't this on DVD yet (in the U.S.)?

At less than an hour, GET OUT OF MY ROOM is just the right length to avoid feeling padded, but not quite feature length and could use some some supplements to a standalone DVD. It did get a UK release.

Why it should be on DVD:

Not top grade Cheech and Chong, but good enough for most fans and a return to watchability after a couple of misfires. The LP finally made it to CD in 2002, and this is the only Cheech and Chong effort from their heyday that isn't out in the U.S. In the meantime, GET OUT OF MY ROOM is available for viewing on Netflix Instant.

Guest Posting "Bad" Movies I Love at Rupert's

2012-07-07T07:33:00.002-07:00

It's that time again: guest post time! Rupert Pupkin Speaks is hosting yet another excellent series of guest posts from film bloggers all over the 'net. This time, we're all invited to name so-called "Bad" Movies We Love.

Some great lists have popped up already from my fellow film reviewers Paul Corupe, Marty McKee and T. L. Bugg among others; Rupert's hosted over twenty lists already since June, and shared his own as well. Check 'em all out, you'll probably find a few to add to your "must watch" list. I know I have.

I'm honored to be invited to share my own contribution today. Check it out for overblown Hollywood Sixties soapers, late Seventies Skinemax time capsules and some over the top Eighties action. Nine choice morsels in all. I regret that space limitations kept me from listing more, but feel free to add selections from our Camp Classics list to round yours out.

I'd like to thank Rupert again for the invitation, a great way to kick off the second half of 2012 here at The Horn Section. As the late Andy Griffith said in A FACE IN THE CROWD, we're "loaded for bear"!

Happy 100th Nina Mae McKinney!

2012-06-12T22:03:00.002-07:00

Yes, I know, The Horn Section already saluted the great Nina Mae McKinney a couple of years back. But Wednesday, June 13th would have been Ms. McKinney's 100th birthday, so I think we ought to recognize.

The YouTube link in the prior post featured Ms. McKinney's fabulous vocal from "Pie, Pie, Blackbird" (1932). The following clip from SAFE IN HELL (1931) features more singing from lovely Nina Mae: her version of "Sleepy Time Down South" kicks in at about the 1:09 mark.

YouTube has more Nina Mae McKinney treasures, including her full-length 1939 feature THE DEVIL'S DAUGHTER, which was filmed in Jamaica:

If you enjoyed the clip of McKinney's rendition of "Everything I've Got Belongs to You" in my first Salute to Nina, here's the musical short PIE, PIE, BLACKBIRD (1932) in its entirety. Nina Mae and the young Nicholas Brothers are joined by the Eubie Blake Orchestra for 11 amazing minutes:

And, finally, with the backing of Curtis Moseby's legendary Blue Blowers, here's Nina Mae at age 17 in her debut film, HALLELUJAH (1929):

Nina Mae McKinney passed away in 1967, but a hundred years after her birth, her legend is still growing. Stephen Bourne (author of the excellent Butterfly McQueen Remembered) wrote the recently released Black Garbo, an equally informative book about Ms. McKinney's career and the obstacles she faced as a charismatic African-American star in a far less enlightened era. Both books are highly recommended by yours truly.

Happy Birthday Nina Mae, and as always there's more reviews to come here at The Horn Section.

Nina Mae McKinney in HALLELUJAH! (1929)

Film Review: DR. COOK'S GARDEN (1971)

2012-05-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

"Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" -- Number 82

DR. COOK'S GARDEN (1971 ABC-TV/Paramount) Starring Bing Crosby, Frank Converse, Blythe Danner, Barnard Hughes, Thomas Barber, Staats Cotsworth, Bethel Leslie, Abby Lewis. Directed by Ted Post.

Der Bingle is a kindly G.P. in a Greenfield, arguably the most beloved person in this idyllic area. How idyllic? The town boats a very low crime rate and few unpleasant citizens. Greenfield is about to host recent medical school graduate Converse, returning to visit high school sweetheart Danner and mentor Crosby. The budding young doctor is pleasantly surprised by his home town's evolution into a paradise---and increasingly concerned about the number of abrupt, mysterious deaths occuring in heavenly Greenfield.

Originally airing as the ABC "Movie of the Week", DR. COOK'S GARDEN seems more relevant with the passage of time with the real world bringing us Doctors Kevorkian and Shipman and (even more recently) debate over the possibility of "death panels" in the decades since. Art Wallace (SHE WAITS) adapted from a play by Ira Levin, whose STEPFORD WIVES also explored a seemingly perfect town with a sinister forces at work under the veneer.

As was often the case for this Golden Age of telefilms, brevity is a plus, with few moments wasted. In what would turn out to be his acting swan song (and only TV Movie) Crosby gives one of his best performances in a decidedly atypical role. Posthumous revelations about Crosby's personal life exposed the actor's dark side, but at the time DR. COOK'S GARDEN aired he was as easygoing and beloved by the general public as the titular character is to Greenfield's citizens.

While the subject matter hasn't dated, the method of storytelling has, surprising for a film directed by the usually reliable Ted Post (GO TELL THE SPARTANS, THE BABY). Post unfortunately provides two spoilers in the first four minutes, which kills most of the suspense before the opening credits. Granted, this was the pre-VCR and MTV early Seventies, but even taking that into account these scenes are particularly unsubtle and intrusive. The former is Crosby's lone lapse into hamminess, but at least it's wordless and pretty brief.

Crosby's Dr. Cook is calm and rationalizing as his describes the thought he puts into his decisions, and admits that marking the "R" is always difficult for him. His unfailing composure adds creepiness that helps make up for the missing uncertainty and almost raises this otherwise average tale into the must-see category. Two decades before Alec Baldwin brazenly declared himself God in MALICE, Crosby let actions speak louder than his downright humble words possibly could, giving us a thriller more than interesting enough to watch despite its deficiencies.

So....why isn't this on DVD yet?

DR. COOK'S GARDEN certainly left an impression, as many viewers still fondly recall it after all these years. Too bad it has fallen victim to a double whammy in regards to a potential release. Made for TV movies from the early 1970's remain underrepresented on DVD, with TRIBES, MY SWEET CHARLIE and THAT CERTAIN SUMMER just a few from the top tier that are still missing. Making things worse for the GARDEN is Paramount's consistently spotty history at getting its vintage titles on disc.

Why it should be on DVD:

Just a notch below the era's best telefilms, DR. COOK'S GARDEN is an absolute must for Bing Crosby's fans and boasts strong, STEPFORD-like production values. It's been M.I.A. from cable for two full decades like much of the rest of its made for TV brethren (DUEL and BRIAN'S SONG seem to be the rare exceptions) and could really use a remastering and a rediscovery.

DR. COOK'S GARDEN is on YouTube, but in a mediocre (at best) print (as you can tell from the screen captures) with out of sync sound. This is one venerable Movie of the Week that deserves better.

Missing No More: THE SLAMS (1973) and THE PACK (1977)

2012-05-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

I should probably just re-name Missing No More and call it The Warner Archive post label at this point, since it seems like every time former Horn Section reviews bow on DVD, it's the good folks over at WA making it happen. This month we highlight a couple of action packed curios from the Seventies. One is a blaxploitation crime drama, the other a "man against nature" horror film. Each drive-in fave is headlined by one of the sturdiest leading men of the Me decade.

THE PACK (1977) stars Joe Don Baker as a marine biologist (!) who learned from the equally rugged Forrest Tucker (THE CRAWLING EYE) how to look scholarly for these brainy (but still brawny) roles: wear glasses from time to time! As I noted in the review it doesn't really work as horror because collies and dalmations ain't all that terrifying. However, Robert Clouse (ENTER THE DRAGON) wrote and directed a film that is still well worthy of applause.

Who needs Dentastix?

Clouse's screenplay features effectively drawn characters, underappreciated actors (beginning with Baker, who did get several action leads in the wake of WALKING TALL) and above all a needed but not preachy reminder about responsible pet ownership. While the Dalmation might not be a very scary breed, if you're familiar with its history as a pet, it is particulaly well-suited to that last message. Unfortunately untold numbers of Dalmations suffered in the wake of 101 DALMATIONS, ending up abandoned by owners who, while well-meaning, weren't prepared for ownership of the high-energy spotted canines.

THE PACK is newly remastered by Warner Archive but available in the U.S. only per the link. Myself, I prefer it to CUJO, its only real competition in the "killer dog" subgenre. Unless you want to count the masked Afghans in 1959's THE KILLER SHREWS, that is.

THE SLAMS (1973), which was just reviewed here in early February, sends Jim Brown to prison. In a case of "ask and ye shall receive", Warner Archive put it out a month later as one of four Jim Brown releases.

Since the review should still be fresh in your mind, there's not much to add. Frank de Kova (as a mafia kingpin), Ted Cassidy (as his racist henchman) and Judy Pace (as...Hell, does it matter? She's Judy Pace!) are Brown's co-stars in this combination prison/caper film. All four Jim Brown films are newly remastered.

Brown drives a harder bargain than Sergeant O'Rourke....

Along with THE SLAMS, fans will certainly want to check out THE SPLIT (1968), one of the other new releases. The cast....well, all I can say is "wow": Jack Klugman (the Big Q himself!), Diahann Carroll (SISTER, SISTER), Warren Oates (BARQUERO), Ernest Borgnine, Gene Hackman and James Whitmore.

More reviews and potential Archive findings to come!

Film Review: THE BOSS' WIFE (1986)

2012-05-09T17:48:00.000-07:00

"Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" -- Number 81

THE BOSS' WIFE (1986 TriStar) Starring Daniel Stern, Martin Mull, Christopher Plummer, Arielle Dombasle, Fisher Stevens, Melanie Mayron, Lou Jacobi, Thalmus Rasulala. Directed and Written by Ziggy Steinberg.

Stockbroker Stern aspires to have a baby with wife Mayron and to "get out of the bullpen" and into an analyst's position at work, but is failing at both tasks. The first goal has been hindered by a low sperm count, and the second by a plunging outlook for a presentation Stern has been planning for weeks. But with mentor Jacobi's help, Stern gains an audience with neurotic Plummer, the quintessential style over substance boss. This puts Stern in direct competition with experienced, toadying, "flat-haired" Mull. With Plummer unable to decide after a lunch meeting, he insists that both men bring their wives and join him for a Palm Springs company weekend---that night.

It's a long-awaited opportunity, but Stern's problems are just beginning. Mayron is working with eccentric photographer Stevens to meet a publishing deadline, and Stern receives advances from sultry Dombasle at the train station. Once he boards, Stern learns that not only is Dombasle on the same trip, she's the Boss' Wife--and his own wife is on her way to the station with Stevens along for the ride.

The only feature to date directed by screenwriter Ziggy Steinberg, THE BOSS' WIFE is also his funniest film. Faint praise considering the competition (ANOTHER YOU and PORKY'S REVENGE) but Steinberg assembles a terrific cast and provides several great jokes here amidst numerous predictable ones. THE BOSS' WIFE also benefits from a solid helping of corporate satire in its opening third.

In one of his few comedies, Plummer swipes the show as the clueless train-obsessed Boss who is even more of a worker's nightmare than OFFICE SPACE's Bill Lumbergh. He egocentrically places his logo everywhere, ignores competence and facts (which "just confuse him," Jacobi advises) and intimidates everyone around him without ever raising his voice. The one time he does shout (about missing lunch condiments) is arguably the film's funniest moment.

Mull is also perfectly cast as the smarmy ass-kisser who's been waiting for years for the position he's competing for. Stevens, fresh off of his turn as Indian Ben Jahrvi in SHORT CIRCUIT, plays Mayron's Hispanic client Carlos and gets the bulk of the choice lines, stealing virtually every scene that Plummer doesn't.

SO FINE (1981) came to mind more than once while I was watching THE BOSS' WIFE. Both are attempts to raunch up the classic screwball sex farce for the 1980's. Each featured an unsatisfied and exotic trophy wife coming on to a milquetoast hero in a shockingly blunt way, with said hero facing competition from the company asskisser, trying to gain favor with a pedantic superior, and facing great danger if he's caught with the wife. Unfortunately, Steinberg lacks Andrew Bergman's attention to detail and adeptness at maximizing the comic possibilities.

Stevens' aggressively rude artist offers a key example. His project is a photobook called "Faces of Anger", for which he approaches strangers, intentionally angers them, and snaps their reaction. One of the film's best sight gags involves the collage of subjects on his wall. He never stops working, even when Stern and Mayron are the only others in the room. Steinberg is wise enough to put Stevens on the train to Palm Springs, but foolish enough to have Stevens leave his camera back at the station. Not only do we miss out on the opportunity for more "Faces of Anger" on the trip, but it also undermines the character--how could such a dedicated craftsperson abandon his pet project and pending due date for the whole weekend?

Dombasle shows off her rousing physical assets frequently. In her best scene she wordlessly (and very literally) leaves an impression during Stern's dinner with an incredibly unsuspecting Plummer, but unlike SO FINE's Mariangela Melato she isn't given a sympathetic side or much verbal wit in Steinberg's screenplay. As a result we have more unrealized potential with multi-talented Dombasle (well known as a model and singer overseas) wasted as one-dimensional eye candy.

THE BOSS' WIFE was mostly ignored when it was dumped into a handful of theatres in November of 1986. While the uneven film isn't quite what it could have been, it is still worth watching for a few stimulating setpieces and the very funny performances from Plummer and Stevens.

So...why isn't this on DVD yet?

While THE BOSS' WIFE is still lacking a formal DVD release, it is available as a download only at iTunes and Amazon. Curiously, the download isn't compatible with HDTV, but the film has turned up recently in HD on Sony Movie Channel.

Why it should be on DVD:

Plummer. Stevens. Mull. Dombasle's nudity. Maybe not in that order. Your mileage may vary, but at 83 minutes, THE BOSS' WIFE won't ruin your day if you don't find that many chuckles.

Film Review: DREAMER (1979)

2012-05-04T07:43:00.000-07:00

"Why the Hell isn't THIS on DVD yet?" -- Number 80

DREAMER (1979 20th Century Fox) Starring Tim Matheson, Jack Warden, Susan Blakely, Barbara Stuart, Richard B. Shull, Chris Schenkel, Nelson Burton Jr., Azizi Johari, Mews Small, Julian Byrd, Matt Clark, Dick Weber. Directed by Noel Nosseck.

Matheson is a bowling whiz in his small midwestern town who dreams of winning that one big tournament and joining the PBA. Former pro Warden co-owns the bowling alley Matheson works at, mentoring and living vicariously through the young talent, while the Dreamer's lady Blakely grows frustrated "competing with bowling". There are choices to make all around when Matheson has the goal in sight at the tour's Chicago stop, with just one problem--legendary Hall of Famer Weber is the opponent standing in his way.

The 1970's was something of a Golden Age for the sports movie. In that decade's latter half, most tended to fall into one of two categories. The makers either embraced profanity and other R-rated content a la THE BAD NEWS BEARS (FAST BREAK and SLAP SHOT come to mind) or went the safer, more innocuous, straightforward "feel good" route of BREAKING AWAY and ROCKY. Since ROCKY's Bill Conti does the soundtrack and the film is rated PG (no "tempations of the road" for this bowler) it's easy to see Nosseck is taking the latter route with DREAMER.

Somewhat distinguished by virtue of being one of the few theatrical films to center on the PBA (are there any others besides KINGPIN?), DREAMER has few new wrinkles otherwise. The conflicts are too minor (Matheson vs. the PBA establishment, Blakely vs. Warden for Matheson's time) in the script by Larry Bischof and James Proctor. In addition, they leave a 7-10 split with Warden's arc, which is manipulative, cliched as Hell and removes the most intriguing character from the action too soon. Maybe they thought Matheson's thumb injury just wasn't enough to convince us that bowling is tough, strenuous exercise, I dunno.

As one might guess from that and other plot twists, DREAMER follows the sports film template without surprises, other than Blakely's girlfriend not being the "wet blanket" type when it comes to bowling. On the contrary, she works at the same alley and would love to accompany Matheson to the tournaments, but "the guys" think she affects his focus negatively. Well, either that or she's just bad luck. The romantic pairing doesn't really click like it should; Matheson comes across as indifferent to her, and the pair being "brought together" by a tragedy seems as artificial as the demise itself.

Several interesting minor roles (Clark's "Spider", Small's waitress) leave you wanting more. One of those intriguing characters livens DREAMER up halfway through, as June 1975 Playmate of the Month Azizi Johari (THE KILLING OF A CHINESE BOOKIE) shows up at the alley as a pool hustler, looking stunning and offering an intriguing bet to would-be womanizer Clark, who has trouble keeping his jaw off the ground.

Rack 'em up!

Johari is barely onscreen for five minutes, but you can't take your eyes off her. Too brief, but it's the most memorable scene. It's too bad that Nosseck keeps cutting away from the pool room. To answer Roger Ebert's question from his review: Small updates us on the match in the next scene, and it's safe to say Clark kept losing. After all, if he'd won, he'd be way too busy to be bothering Blakely about two hours later.

Also sticking in your head afterward ("Reach for the top/I won't stop/Gonna shoot my shot...") is Pablo Cruise's theme song, though not in nearly as good a way. It's good to see Matheson in what would turn out to be a rare lead (after his ANIMAL HOUSE success) but, with Warden given little to do, this is one of the few films he can't help, though he could certainly spice things up if he had the R-rating to work with. Hard to fault a sports film for being predictable, and that isn't what sinks DREAMER: blandness is. Still worth a gander for its cast and a subject that is rarely explored cinematically. Just don't expect to learn much more about bowling than Warden's advice: "You gotta beat the pins, not the man."

So....why isn't this on DVD yet?

Contrary to the Wikipedia entry on the film, DREAMER did have a limited but unsuccessful theatrical run in the Spring of 1979. But only passably written and directed at best, and only scratching the surface of the sport's nuances, DREAMER failed to satisfy aficionados, casual bowlers or sports movie fans in its short stint.

Why it should be on DVD:

Bland as DREAMER is, PBA fans might appreciate, since there are very few non-comedies exploring the sport. Fans of the two leads might like this as well, but otherwise, the rare appearance by Azizi Johari (who only made four features, all between 1976 and 1981) is the main reason to tune in.

Maybe reason enough, actually.

DREAMER airs occasionally on Fox Movie Channel. If you'd like to check it out for yourself, it's scheduled next for May 21st at 11:25 A.M.

Film Review: HIPS, HIPS, HOORAY! (1934)

2012-04-25T19:20:00.000-07:00

"Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" -- Number 79

HIPS, HIPS, HOORAY! (1934 RKO) Starring Bert Wheeler, Robert Woolsey, Dorothy Lee, Thelma Todd, Ruth Etting, Phyllis Barry, George Meeker, Matt Briggs, Dorothy Granger. Directed by Mark Sandrich.

Bert and Bob are penniless street vendors literally living out of their car and trying to stay one step ahead of the law while peddling their flavored lipsticks. They put on airs to beauty supplier Todd and offer their "services" with a dual motivation: Bert's taken a shine to Todd's employee Lee and, of course, their dire financial straits. Todd, whose business is on the verge of ruin herself thanks to double-dealing Meeker, accepts the offer. When Woolsey's attache case gets mistaken for an identical one carrying "securities", the cops renew their pursuit of our heroes, following them to a pool hall and even cross-country after their impromptu representation of Todd's company in a race (shades of CANNONBALL!).

Thinly plotted and gleefully silly at every turn, HIPS, HIPS, HOORAY! is the favorite Wheeler and Woolsey film of many film buffs. While I prefer COCKEYED CAVALIERS, HIPS, HIPS, HOORAY is another entertaining Bert and Bob vehicle from the team's 1933-34 peak. Both 1934 films are boosted by the team's de facto "third member" Lee (who appeared in 13 of their 21 films), their best director Sandrich, and the incomparable Todd, who has dark hair (a seldom-seen look for her) in several scenes.

I won't be able to flash 'em 'til 1968? Really??

The film's pre-Code vintage is confirmed in the very first scene, with a room full of naked lovelies freshening up in transparent bathtubs (hair and shampoo bottles obscuring strategic body parts, of course) while Ruth Etting sings "Keep Romance Alive". Very reminiscent of the "Clean as a Whistle, Fresh as a Daisy" number from MEET THE BARON but given a touch of class by America's "Sweetheart of Song" Etting.

Etting disappears after her song, but she's too ladylike for the proceedings anyway. With its setting in the cosmetics world, HIPS, HIPS, HOORAY boasts more scantily clad women than any other Wheeler and Woolsey feature. Lee, Todd and Etting are joined by Dorothy Granger (taking dictation from Woolsey, who's channeling Rufus T. Firefly), June Brewster, Phyllis Barry, Marion Byron and Jean Carmen. A highlight is the duo conducting a "guess the flavor" lipstick contest, with Woolsey going horizontal and stiffening (symbolism fully intended) in a manner worthy of Tex Avery's Wolf.

Like the earliest Wheeler and Woolsey vehicles (i.e. HALF SHOT AT SUNRISE and HOOK, LINE & SINKER) HIPS, HIPS, HOORAY! finds fast-talking Woolsey and naive romantic Wheeler facing unfavorable odds but triumphing in the end through sheer derring-do. It's a shame that Sandrich (TOP HAT) only directed the team twice. He really clicks with Bert and Bob, providing many inspired comedic moments to go with the musical interludes. Kalmer and Ruby's "Just Keep on Doin' what You're Doin'" (originally intended for Zeppo Marx in DUCK SOUP) would become the team's best-remembered song. It's the soundtrack to Bert's moonlight serenade and is reprised during an office trashing dance with all four principals and the film's coda.

Ruth Etting, keepin' romance alive

The film loses steam during the car chase, with an over-reliance on Woolsey's "Whoa-ohh!" catchphrase and intentionally outlandish rearscreen projection. But as long as the boys are one step ahead of their pursuers on foot, HIPS, HIPS, HOORAY! provides almost as many laughs as ladies, with Bert and Bob's incredibly resourceful car (at various times a giant coffee machine, twin beds, chicken coop and veritable banana tree) and unsuccessful attempt to hustle the cops at pool among the more memorable gags. A well-paced, amusing and naughty example of 1930's comedy, HIPS, HIPS, HOORAY! might be the best Wheeler and Woolsey film to show the uninitiated.

So.....why isn't this on DVD yet?

Kind of a surprise that 6 Wheeler and Woolseys made it out via Warner Archive before this one, arguably their best-loved and most remembered pre-Coder. Even more surprising that arguably the team's worst film (THE RAINMAKERS) beat this one to DVD. The long absence of RKO's most popular comedy team from DVD has been addressed here previously, but that's been changing in recent years thanks to WA. With the long-sought after DIPLOMANIACS among the recent arrivals, the release of HIPS, HIPS, HOORAY! by the Archive now seems to be a mere matter of time.

Wanna buy a DVD?

Why it should be on DVD:

Would make a perfect two-fer with COCKEYED CAVALIERS, which featuring a lot of the same personnel, similarly memorable musical numbers and was also directed by Sandrich. I'd daresay this hypothetical 2-for-1 DVD would be all the Bert and Bob a casual fan needs.

No offense, Bob, but I'd rather see the ladies in underwear....not you.

HIPS, HIPS, HOORAY! turns up occasionally on TCM.

Film Review: THE STRANGE WORLD OF PLANET X (1958)

2012-04-14T20:42:00.001-07:00

"Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" -- Number 78

THE COSMIC MONSTER (a.k.a. THE STRANGE WORLD OF PLANET X) (1958 DCA/Eros Films) Starring Forrest Tucker, Gaby Andre, Martin Benson, Wyndham Goldie, Alec Mango, Hugh Latimer, Geoffrey Chater, Patricia Sinclair. Directed by Gilbert Gunn.

Mango and Tucker are conducting experiments on magnetic fields in a rural laboratory in south England. Despite their reservations about "a woman" helping out with this "highly skilled work", project director Goldie appoints Andre to work with the two men. The only initial hazard is occasional interference with the town's radio and TV reception, but then the obsessed Mango accidentally blows a hole in the ionosphere. The resulting unintended consequences: a mysterious stranger anxious to fit in quickly among the townspeople, a formerly harmless hobo turns violent, and insects grow larger than human beings!

Mack Tuck!

The final film in Tucker's late Fifties British sci-fi trilogy, THE COSMIC MONSTER (originally titled THE STRANGE WORLD OF PLANET X in the U.K.) reached North American theatres on a double bill with THE CRAWLING EYE in 1958. While the special effects remain modestly budgeted at best and our boy Mack Tuck makes his moves on beautiful Andre (who is distractingly dubbed), MONSTER lacks both the atmosphere and the cheesy fun of its predecessor.

Gunn fails to build the sense of genuine dread that Quentin Lawrence successfully brought to THE CRAWLING EYE and screenwriter Paul Ryder's script lacks the interesting character backstories that helped keep Lawrence's film compelling during its own talky stages. The action is unimaginatively staged when it commences in the final reel, and at one point we glimpse a U.S. Army vehicle heading to save the day despite our setting. Also, why use bullets and not insecticides?

About to make his move..think she'll go for it?

COSMIC MONSTER does manage to hang with THE CRAWLING EYE in one regard: copious amounts of alcohol consumption. Much time is spent at the pub hoisting pint after pint while everyone sits and talks (and talks, and talks); too bad no party ever develops (despite the band advertised on the local pub's sidewalk sign) because Gunn's drudging pace could stand some punching up. At least the drinking games you can play at home on your own won't suffer.

So you think I'm tentative, huh? We'll see...

Tucker gave forceful performances in both THE CRAWLING EYE (as a scientist who was also a man of action when necessary) and THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN (as a crass "ugly American" butting heads marvelously with Peter Cushing) but seems tentative and less effective in this script, more of a spectator than a doer. While the first two films remain well-remembered genre classics a half century later, THE COSMIC MONSTER has been largely forgotten on this side of the pond. It's worth a look for aficionados of the bug-movie subgenre, but on the whole it's pretty forgettable.

So....why isn't this on DVD yet? (In the U.S.)

Isn't well-made or memorable; as the last of Forrest Tucker's British genre films, it's also clearly the least.

Attaboy Tuck!!!! Woo hoo!

Why it should be on DVD: (IN THE U.S.)

THE STRANGE WORLD OF PLANET X/THE COSMIC MONSTER would still be a nice fit on a two-fer with its old tag team partner THE CRAWLING EYE, or maybe paired with another cheesy bug film of the era like THE MONSTER FROM GREEN HELL. This made TCM's schedule for the first time last summer during Sci-Fi Thursdays and hasn't repeated yet, so be on the lookout for a rerun if you're interested.

The film is also available for viewing at YouTube.

Television Review: QUINCY, M.E.: "Dead Stop" (1981)

2012-04-10T04:24:00.000-07:00

QUINCY, M.E. : THE HILARIOUS YEARS (Seasons 5 through 8)

Number 4: "Dead Stop" Season 7 (1981)

Starring Jack Klugman, Robert Ito, John S. Ragin, Garry Walberg, Val Bisolgio, special guest stars Tony Burton, Jack Ging, Sandy McPeak, Henry Beckman, Salome Jens, Red West. Directed by Ray Danton.

The soapbox was covered with shoe prints by the halfway point of QUINCY, M.E's penultimate season. A cautionary tale (come to think of it, practically all QUINCY's were at this point) about the dangers of toxic waste, DEAD STOP opens with the prime time version of truck drivin' music as truckers Hank and Mickey notice their Freightliner still has leaking rear brakes after a failed pit stop. As there's no way they'll make it to the planned destination, Hank feels they should turn back, but cash-desperate Mickey has a better idea. Remembering specific instructions to "dump it in a dry spot", he has a spot "as dry as the Sahara" for their cargo. "He hired us to dump it, so who the Hell cares where?" Highway footage tells us that this dry spot is going to be near the Los Angeles freeway exit.

If Mickey's devil-may-care attitude isn't foreboding enough, the mysterious cargo is in heavy, sealed black barrels, except for one which is leaking. When the leakage hits the ground and splashes Hank's shoes, a smoky, acid-like residue rises in a menacing manner. Hank coughs violently.

I presume we've been given ample warning signs at this point, as director Danton forgoes overhead lightning, storm clouds or a black cat crossing the path. Nah, spoke too soon. With Mickey's prodding, they finish up by rolling the barrels down a hill, with a tight shot on the resulting collisions causing more residue to rise with a sinister hissing sound.

Two days later Hank's wife notices he's running a fever and continuing to cough, but he insists on making that night's run. "You know how hard it is for us wildcatters to get work!" Glassy eyed, hacking Hank tells Mickey during the drive that he's finished moonlighting, then immediately follows this declaration with a seizure behind the wheel. "Judas Priest!" Mickey exclaims, but Rob Halford's motorcycle is nowhere to be found; just a runaway Freightliner that ends up turned over on an embankment, landing on its drivers side before passenger Mickey can control it. Yup, that probably IS going to finish Hank's nocturnal wallet stuffing.

Heading out to to the highway....a chance before I fallllllll......

Next the Mickster's in the hospital, bringing up his late friend while going over accident details with Beckman, an investigator who urges him to "stay close". As for poor Hank, he ends up on The Big Q's slab. Broken ribs, hazy, dark red lungs, and curiously, chemical burns on his shins and arms. No evidence of pneumonia, infection or heart disease. Quince and Sam discover that he was driving "with a severe lung disease"; he inhaled phosphorus trichloride, which caused the seizure and his death, before the accident.

Gotta say that for all the laughs from Quincy's hypertension and preaching during The Hilarious Years, there's always useful information too. Phosphorus trichloride is classified as highly toxic and corrosive, and reacts violently when mixed with water, hence, the strict instructions to dump it in a dry spot. All very educational, no joke.

Na na na na na na na na na....Q Man!

The Q-Mobile is seen arriving at the widow's home in the next scene. I always wished they had some cool, Batmanesque music to accompany this footage, but it usually came unscored. Too bad. Oh, well, education aside, at this point there's a little frustration for the audience. After Quincy interviews Hank's wife and goes over the trucker's manifest, we've had 16 minutes of setup for the latest crusade, and not one Outrage! yet. I'm getting almost as impatient as Mickey.

Ah, but ask and ye shall receive! "People don't seem to realize how dangerous it is! No one seems to care!" "If it rains, this could produce a gas that could kill (voice cracks) hundreds of people!" Thanks, Q. I knew you wouldn't let me down!

Meanwhile Mickey bravely deals with his grief and injuries, continuing the night job (I'm sure Hank would have wanted him to) with new partner West, who wears a cowboy hat and speaks in a thick drawl. At Mickey's insistence, they use the "new, better" dumping spot to shorten the route time. Once again, we have leakage and more hydrochloric acid rising. Damn, someone is doing a shitty job sealing these things. There's the first person to fire if you ask me. Mickey unwisely takes his gloves off after inhaling a spill, kicks the leaky barrels downhill, and once more ominous music cues up as the smoky residue rises, thicker this time.

The Big Q is back at the original wrecked truck, talking to investigator Beckman. Sure enough, we have some inefficiency. "There are 3 million truckers on the road, and only 180 of us!" We expect another Outrage! at this information, but Quince is strangely docile. That is, until he gets to the Los Angeles County Health Department and Anthony Giovelli. "Not one legitimate ounce of that stuff" in his manifest! 20,000 plants out there and only 750 are registered!" "Any plant that produces hazardous waste should be RESPONSIBLE for it!"

Quincy gets a sympathetic ear here though. Giovelli wants to do something, but admits he's lucky if he catches "one out of a hundred" making an illegal discharge. Manifesting only works if there's intent to comply with the law to begin with. "There are 20,000" plants out there, and Giovelli only has 8 investigators. The Big Q is too overwhelmed to vent his rage! "I had no idea!" I have a feeling that Quincy's going to be leaving Sam in charge of the autopsies again for more than a few days......

Yup, the coroner becomes an investigator, taking half the plants on Giovelli's list for himself and visiting Witten Chemicals. Solvents, Acids and Alkalies since 1968. Walk in trade welcome! Quincy, however, isn't so welcome, and Mr. Witten spews venom at him right off the bat, telling him he has no right to just "come in and see my manifest"! Well, the man does have a point, since this is technically not the Big Q's job.

Director Ray Danton makes sure to have his camera linger on the Confederate flag proudly displayed on Witten's wall. Since we're in Los Angeles, and Witten lacks even a hint of a southern accent (he actually sounds more like he's from Jersey than anything) there's only one plausible reason for it to be here: Danton is subtly giving us a demonstration of movie shorthand for "Bad Guy". Genius!

Quince lights into Witten with his third Outrage!: "You're either gonna talk to me or you're gonna talk to a Lieutenant downtown!" Hearing that, Witten gives in quickly and gives The Big Q the trucking company's address.

One question: Would Witten be all that frightened by the "Lieutenant downtown" if he knew it was THIS man?

Q has Giovelli with him as he arrives at Hellworth Trucking. Mr. Hellworth meets them outside the door, so we won't get to check his office for bad guy shorthand indicators. Guess the ominous name will have to do.

Mr. Hellworth is credited at imdb.com as actor Kenneth O'Brien. According to imdb, he supposedly passed away in 1985, but they aren't fooling yours truly. He obviously faked his death, changed his name and now performs as porn star "Dirty Harry":

Anyway, Dirty Harry Hellworth tries the Sergeant Schultz defense to no avail, as Q and Giovelli have a search warrant and the threat of a murder charge ready to go. Hellworth caves faster than his Confederate compadre and agrees to take them to the dumping site. Once there, Hellworth panics, and not because Giovelli plans to "hang him up by his thumbs" and make an example of him. Rather it's because of his discovery that Hank's latest delivery "ain't here". Finding Mickey is a priority now, because Giovelli informs us that if the phosphorus trichloride comes in contact with moisture, the result could be catastrophically deadly. Right on cue, thunder rumbles ominously (there's that word again) in the overcast sky.

Quincy, not The Department of Health Services' Giovelli, will be probing the situation from here. That's right, we can't just trust Giovelli to do his job, but we can leave Good Old Sam with all the corpses for a few more days. You don't mind, do you Sam?

Thrilled as always to be working 75 hour weeks in Quincy's absence! Meanwhile, The Q-Mobile is back at the widow's house, and she offers to help him track down her late husband's co-pilot. Quincy is to hit the road with her at 6 A.M. sharp.

It is remarkably light outside for 6 AM the next morning, with a weird soundtrack shift to acoustic guitar and piano. Combine the somber tones with this screen image:

And one starts to get that Brokeback vibe. Furthering that, Quince's P.O.V. reveals an overly friendly hitchhiker waving and giving a thumbs up to our favorite coroner, despite the fact that Q hasn't a vehicle.

But this is already a Very Special Episode, we already have our subject of social commentary, and Q has no time for 'experimentation' right now. Just a tense but polite wave back and that's it.

As mentioned, time's a wastin', so out with the piano, in with the synth and electric guitars and some more ersatz truckin' music as Hank's widow Jens arrives.

He's got that look in his eyes.....

Hey, don't get carried away there Quince. The body's barely cold! Her hubby was just on the slab in front of you less than 20 screen minutes ago!

A second false alarm, though, showing that The Big Q is too focused on the race against time for any macking with either gender. Besides, it's been very clear since the Hilarious Years started that R. Quincy only swings one way, and only with ladies at least thirty years younger than him--until Season 8 and The Killjoy, that is. Since Jens (46 at the time) is too age-appropriate for our hero, the dialogue on the way to the truck stop serves to educate Quincy and us about the hardships of life on the road as the jaunty soundtrack shifts to something very "Top of the World"-ish. (???)

Quincy had no idea about the trucker's hardships or about CB lingo, but he becomes a budding pro by the time we get to the destination on the ways of 10-4's and feeding the Smokeys. (One more nagging question: she appears to be driving Hank's old truck. How the Hell is it fully operational so soon after being rolled over? Sloppy, sloppy.....)

At the truck stop, coffee is ordered and we're joined by Tony Burton (in between ROCKYs II and III) and West, who is far more reluctant to be sociable once he hears that the meeting involves Hank and Mickey's "illegal" hauling of toxic waste. Quince even comes close to an Outrage! but falls short with his pleading tone. "This could kill hundreds of people!" With West's lips sealed, though, little headway is made.

Jens has a thought on where Mickey might be. Sally's Place.

If the business sign doesn't confirm the motel's "no tell" status, Sally probably will.

And if she doesn't, her companion for the morning most assuredly will, 'cause he can't be ridin' for free.

He's a friend of Jens' late husband, and with his assistance they eventually find a slab-ready Mickey face down in his room. Which leads us into a truly amazing scene. We're 40 minutes into the episode, and The Big Q is actually back at his day job, wearing scrubs. Never fear, folks--we aren't staying here, it's just a convenient place for Quincy to be found when Burton comes through, forcing the truth out of squirrelly West and setting off the M.E.'s latest race against time!

And we're off to the formerly mysterious dumping grounds. We're really lucky, too, because we've had threatening rumbles and dark clouds from the skies for days now, but the long promised rain still hasn't arrived. Therefore hundreds are still alive. We're especially lucky not to have those corpses numbering in the triple digits with Q not at his day job for the better part of a week. He's too busy, folks, out supervising the toxic waste team.

Uh, Quince--can I have my job back now?

You can question who really ought to be in charge out here, but once again, Quincy, M.E. comes through, bellowing instructions while the crew members and firemen get all the barrels under a large tarp, which is in place literally seconds before that rain finally hits hard.

Is there anything a coroner can't do?

Well, he has trouble saying without spraying....

"Dead Stop" takes a while to get to our first Outrage! and the final act is strangely anti-climactic, but Danton adds plenty of ominous foreshadowing and cliched symbolism, keeping this lower decibel QUINCY, M.E. entertaining. Also an interesting soundtrack to go with the usual surfeit of chuckles and a little help with your next chemistry exam. It isn't as over the top as other Hilarious Years entries, and therefore doesn't have as many big belly laughs, but it's a solid, watchable episode.
**1/2