Pieces of a tattered soul across a stark white screen..

officially out of hell

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Thu, 01 May 2008 01:45:34 PDT

Its been a long long time since I wrote here. This place has been my white queendom.
The place where I poured out all the stark white depression of my life. My hell.
This is the place which let me heal my deepest wounds. This is also the place where I shared my joys and highs. But at one point I realized the muck I had let out here was beginning to stick to me and I felt a need to get away. A need to let go of the past, the pain the sorrow, a need to be born anew. So, in one stroke, I left. Left for a new untainted beginning. Left for a place where there was no pain. I moved towards a transformation.
Yet a tie had remained.
Today, a year to the day I started this place, which became the core of my existence, I officially wrap up this bundle for good.
I am officially closing my blog.
I feel a lot of things...

A sense of joy for having gotten over my past.
A sense of loss for putting a final lid over some of the most honest emotions I have ever let out.
A sense of gratitude for the wonderful friends I found through this space and the support I got from them...

But I must not linger now.

my dear kingdom of white white sand..
I bid you one final goodbye..
don't let time blow away the prints I have left..
don't let my silent whispers die..

Budday report!!

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 10:26:27 PST

Ok folks I promise this is my last budday related post till next year.. so please bear with me :D

anyway, all i wanted to say is that it was the best budday I have had till date.. full of more surprises than I could count.. A BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG thank you to all my wonderful friends both in the real and virtual world who made my day sooooo special.
Non-stop phone calls.. two surprise cakes(and yes 1 was a delicious yummy truffle)... very pretty surprise cards.. balloons hand painted with loving words from friends.. a satin rose.. a hand made glass painting with a dolphin :sigh: ... real cute earrings.. a wonderful surprise gift all the way from a friend in pune.. a cute soft heart.. the most beautiful bunch of 5 roses ever as a wake up gift.. a pink muffler and matching pink slippers from my best friend and a surprise clean up of my big messy room..
phew!! no there is more.. my friend Ankit Jain, wrote a beautiful poem in hindi just for me and gifted it to me on my budday. And my life long friend, suni di, who is among the few people who probably knows me a lot better than I know myself wrote a beautiful poem too as a gift.
The top 5 testimonials on my orkut profile are, yes you guessed it right, they are surprise budday gifts that actually made me cry with their sweetness. If any of you want to have a look here's the link to my orkut profile
and yes how can I forget the wonderful mails and the card that maverick made for me in paint that was soooooooo sweet and yes vandy.. i loved your ecard..
and it wasn't just the surprises that made me feel so special.. it was all the effort that all my buddies put into making my day so special.. singing, dancing, loving me and just making me feel like a real princess... Thanks everybody it really spoke volumes about how much I am loved and cared for :)

By the way, I am posting Ankit and Suni di's poems here and also some of the pictures.. hope you guys enjoy reading them as much as I loved receiving them..

Ankit's Poem :
मुस्कराहट ने हँसी का जाम भेजा है,तारो ने आस्मान से सलाम भेजा है,
मुबारक हो आपको जनम दिन,तहे-दिल से हमने ये पैगाम भेजा है.
दुआ है की कामयाबी के हर सिखर पे आप का नाम होगा,
आपके हर कदम पर दुनिया का सलाम होगा,
हिमत से मुश्किलों का सामना करना हमारी दुआ है की वक्त
भी एक दिन आपका गुलाम होगा.
दुआ करते है यही खुदा से,
आपकी जिन्दिगी में कोई गम न हो,
जन्मदिन पेर मिले हजारो खुशियाँ,
चाहे उनमे शामिल हम न हो.

खाविस्हें तमाम तुम्हारे पूरी हो,खुशियों से तुम हमेशा आबाद रहो,
खुदा सलामत रखे तुम्हे हमेशा,सालों साल तुम यूँही जीते रहो,
किसी अनछुए गम की भी परछाई न हो,सब तुम्हे आते जाते करे सलाम ऐसा तुम्हारा नाम हो. जन्मदिन मुबारक हो.

Suni di's poem :
She opened her eyes
to a world of fairies,
dancing mermaids and
never ending magic..
Pure and innocent..
She was God's little Angel.

She sailed across the seas
playing with dolphins,
making castles in the sand and
marking her territory..
Ever exuberant..
She was God's little Angel.

She made friends out of strangers
with her delightful smile,
leaving them overjoyed and
enamored with her innocence..
lovingly flamboyant..
She was God's little Angel.

She was met instead with a
world of unkindness,
which broke her heart and
laughed at its pieces..
Aching to be loved..
She was God's little Angel.

She shed many an unseen tears
over her shattered dreams,
But she embellished in her pain and
wrote beautiful poetry..
aloof yet alluring..
She was God's little Angel.

She sure wasn't the kind
to drown in self pity,
who could give up on life and
kill the love she had inside..
knowing and determined..
She was God's little Angel.

So she gathered her clipped wings
tended them with care,
Lifted her chin up and
slowly started to fly again..
scared yet impassioned..
She was God's little Angel.

And now she still spreads love
wherever she goes,
rubbing off her charm on others and
touching lives of everyone..
She sure has a magic wand..
For she is God's little Angel.

And here are some of the pictures:

My cakes:

Maverick's gift:
Gifts!!! :

Love hugs and kisses

#Queen Bee#

PS: by the way my new profile picture is the temporary queen bee tattoo that I got on my ankle in goa :D

On a fluffy green cloud

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 04:54:44 PST

She was lying on her belly, alone in her little spot of sunshine, next to where the two hedges met. It was her tiny kingdom, secluded from the rest of the world by the earphones that were plugged into her ears. Her long black hair fell all around her, forming a veil from prying eyes.
A book lay open before her, its pages rippling in the light breeze, as she lay there day dreaming, wrapped in the soothing warmth of sun's golden blanket.
An empty bottle of dew stood next to her crumpled green bag, shining like a wizard's emerald staff.
The few drops she had spilled were glittering still, like a magical potion on earth's soft green carpet.
One leg was raised up in the air, dancing a ballet in time to the rhythm of Enrique crooning "I can be your hero baby...". One big toe reached down to slide up the other leg, while the other lay knotted in the grass, playing with its tiny green tentacles, as they tickled her till she giggled...
The shadows from a near by tree creeped in, waging a silent war against the sun's warm rays, slowly gaining ground as they gobbled up her little kingdom.
But she was not worried. She knew that by the time they reach her, she would be long gone, and tomorrow, when she returned, the sun would have again swept back the black tendrils from her little spot by the hedge.
So she looked up at the tree and its big violet flowers and smiled as if greeting a long lost friend.

The song ended.. the sounds from without came crashing in ...
the shouts of the guys playing football on the other side of the hedge..
the giggling girls..
the crooning love birds..
and then it was Bryan Adams talking about that place "where angels fear to tread...", and she was back in her bubble, like a veil blown up by a sudden gust of wind and slowly fluttering back in place...
She raised her hand to her hair, and flinched, she hadn't realized how hot her hair had gotten in the sun's upside down furnace.
She closed her eyes and smiled, in spite of herself, resting her head on her hands, as they covered the yellowed pages of the book she had barely read... content.. soothed.. fulfilled..
soaking in these few minutes of heaven and stars in the sun, rising up on a fluffy green cloud... before she had to step off it, back into the screaming conspiring world where she had to live, but where she never belonged..

#Queen Bee#

PS: hey folks! I had an absolutely rocking budday and I really want to write about it, but I am sure all of you are a little fed up of reading about nothing else, so here is this little piece I wrote while lying alone in a back garden of my college canteen.. hope u enjoy it.. a full report of my big day is up next in a day or two.. till then its hugs kisses and buzzes from the queen bee adios :)

Mera budday aa gaya!!!! :D :D :D

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 08:00:15 PST

yes yes yes.. just three hours to go.. the preparations have begun...
Got my unruly hair temporarily straighted in the evening :D :D :D
Got teased by 3 guys while walking back to the hostel :( :( :( ,
I don't know what my friends have in store for me, I have a feeling they have something really scary planned for me, last to last budday they pretended to be disinterested and all and didnt even get a cake and left me alone and made me cry and then surprised me with a rocking party half an hour late :D
Two of my friends have already wished me.. one by mistake(after all my reminders she actually managed to confuse it with 16th Grrhhhhhhh...!!) and the other one 'coz he won't be able to meet me tomorrow..
I have my digicam all charged and emptied.. after all its my last budday in college fotos-shotos to honi chiye :D..
The sea-green kurta I am wearing tomorrow is all crisp and tidy..
And my orkut status message reads : "mera budday aa gaya!!!! its my day 2mrw and i am the queen"

:sigh:
can't believe i am actually turning 21... not that I have any intention of growing up or letting go of my childish ways :D, but still, its a strange feeling, its like things are changing, so many old days kissing the sea like an orange sunset.. so many new surprises growing into a dawn..
new privileges new responsibilities.. as one friend pointed out.. I'll be eligible to stand for prime minister.. God save this nation if I ever decide to
exercise that right :D

any way coming back to the point.. mera budday aa gaya!!! :D :D :D
time for masti fun and loads of memories... with all these wonderful people around me and all the love they lavish on me.. it could be nothing short of special, bilkul queen bee style

and a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig thank you to all those people who read my blog and have already poured in their wishes
guys u have no idea how much this space and you mean to me..

Loads of special wala hugs kisses and buzzzes
love,

#queen bee#

Tryst with the sea..

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 07:11:43 PST

The sand looked inviting, the white foam at peace,
as it came out to touch me, it was soft as fleece.

I saw the satin ribbons, disappear beneath my feet,
i saw myself through the eyes, of the ocean's wild fleet.

The sand the salt the warmth, the flowing cold,
they washed over me as I waded deeper, stronger, feeling bold.

A shiver of doubt, a moment of fear,
as the ocean claimed me, the green got near.

A spluttered breath, a useless struggle
a liquid scream, a solid gurgle.

and then.. then silence

The silence that only the thunderous sea holds,
as the waves crushed my ears, in a million folds.

The salt balmed my smoldering wounds,
the air rushed out, like chased hounds.

I was helpless, floating, defeated, tossed around,
and yet, never a sweeter victory had i ever found.

As i surrendered myself to the mercy of the sea,
I finally tasted the freedom that eluded me..
I finally tasted the freedom that eluded me..

PS: buzz buzz everyone.. the queen bee is back from her little break.. back from sun and sea.. back into the payjama clad, quilt covered, shivering world of Delhi..
sorry i am in a bit of a hurry today, have two tests snarling at me and haven't even started studying.. will be back tomorrow evening with a good sniff of the sea..

till then its hugs kisses and buzzes all the way..

#Queen Bee#

PPS: and by the way.. "MERA BUDDAY BAS AA HI GAYA!!! YUHOOOO!!!" :D :D :D

Loser's Plight

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 08:48:44 PST

As I had promised, I looked through my old diaries and dug out the poem that was the inspiration behind the one i posted a few days ago, under the title, Loser's song
I had written the original some 4-5 years ago and am posting it below...

Tears of misery have flown past
but none have stopped to give a look,
to the eyes of the loser who came last.
only he, who the crown took,
is heeded with joy and fanfare
as those who lay on the dust defeated,
are condemned and bound to only stare.
But, is there a value of the victor,
without the presence of a loser's sector?
Is it not a ghastly sin,
to spit at those who could not win?
But this, Alas! is the human way,
that losers have no right to play,
and to tell what they had come to say..
and to tell what they had come to say!!

I found a lot of other interesting stuff in those old diaries, can't believe I had written all that stuff all those years ago and then had given up writing altogether for more than three years, before starting again with this blog.
How had I even been alive without writing all those years?? It was like i just couldn't do it anymore, may be it was just the pressure of coming to college.. hostel.. friends.. foes.. life.. :sigh:

Anyway, I am writing again and its a true blessing.. God nothing else in the world gives me more pleasure...
By the way, might post some of the other stuff from the diaries some other day... :)

For now, I just hope you enjoy this one.

Take care

#queen bee# :)

Dilli ab door nahi!! :D

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 08:36:08 PST

Hello everybody!

Its February, and its that time of the year again..

Flowers.. Chocolates.. Truffle cake.. Gifts.. Partying.. Surprises.. aaah.. mmmmm... :sigh: :sigh:

No, I was not talking about the much hyped Valentine's Day
I don't really see much logic behind raising such a hue and cry over it..
I mean come to think of it,

For people in love, every day is a Valentine's day..
and for people not in love (like me!!), Valentine's day is just another day..
so what's the rush about eh?

Anyway, what i was talking about was my Big day bole to mera BUDDAY!!!, which falls on 17th of February, and I can barely contain my excitement. For those, who don't know me personally, and have been spared the torture of being reminded everyday of the coming event :D,
I am about the only person you'll find who gets sooooooo excited about her b'day..

My friends tell me that I am worse than a kid, to find out why..well, just read on.. :

Since December, every time I meet someone, and i mean anyone... my friends, their parents, bf's, gf's, grand parents, aunts, uncles etc. etc... I manage to somehow steer the conversation towards the fact that my b'day is coming!!

I have given in to shocking everyone, by exclaiming in the middle of a studying/sleeping/crying/laughing/
whatever-else-its-possible-for-a-room-full-of-people-to-do room, something like
"mera b'day ane wala hai!!! yippiiieee!!!"

Every time we are in the middle of celebrating anyone's B'day, I have an uncanny habit of bringing up my b'day again with a "mera b'day ane wala hai!!! yippiiieee!!!" and a worse still ,"mere budday pe to hum ye karenge, mere budday pe to hum wo karenge"

I keep reminding all my friends that my favourite flavour in cake is chocolate truffle, and if they dare get anything else for my b'day.. well they are dead

I have been hounding my friends to get their minds to work, and to start planning my budday and have been threatening them to either come up with some biiiiiiiiig surprise and something really special and imaginative, or else.. GRHHH..!!..

I spent one whole night looking for a good b'day counter for my blog and put this one up a few days ago for the whole world to see.

I got scolded by the warden recently for scribbling on my room's wall.. I am sure you would have guessed what the inscription read, yes you were right, it was "Umang's B'day-- 17th February :D"

and the list continues.. and now that its coming closer, I can hardly sit for a minute without fantasizing about it.. :sigh: :sigh: ..
I am going to get my hair straightened.. get a brand new dress .. hang out with my friends.. get loads of snaps clicked.. and just be a princess :D :D :D

By the way what triggered this post was the fact that it was my friend's b'day today and we all went to Select City Walk in Saket.. it was awesome to say the least.. we all had a blast.. sat in one of these tent like things on the terrace, put cake all over the b'day boy's face, complete with a red cherry on his nose(a lady walking past our tent actually got her baby daughter to come and look at him, telling her that he was a clown.. after that we had kids peeking into our tent every few minutes trying to catch a glimpse of the "clown" :D :D), had some great food, though the chilly chicken was way below par(well u can't have everything now, can u??), did loads of window shopping :D and finished it off with pics next to the wonderful fountains..
aaah and yes how can i forget the whole group singing off key at the top of our voices all the way back to the hostel..
in one sentence.. "it was pure undiluted FUN!!.."
I hope my budday is just as much fun.. hehe..

Phew!!! now that's what I call a really long, really vella post.. but who cares?? I am happy today and vaise bhi.. "mera budday ane wala hai!!!!" ;) :D :D :D

love, luck, loads of hugs kisses and buzzes!!

#queen bee# :D :D

PS: By the way I love surprises, am a real sucker for imaginative ones, so if any one of you want to give me some.. i would love it!! hehe.. see there i go again :D

A Lover.. or..

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 05:34:43 PST

I saw you winking down at me,
enticing tempting scaring me..
With a twinkle of your eye,
you seemed to invite me to fly..
You promised to give me the ride of my life,
comfort and pleasure and freedom from all strife..
Zooming up zipping around,
dipping in and out of every cloud..
The symphony of your voice i could hear,
clearer every second as you drew near..
With a mischievous grin and a teasing whistle,
you left my senses in a tussle..
Alas! your speed soon took you out of my sight,
gone you were in a jiffy, my airplane in the night..

love luck hugs and looooooooads of kisses *muaah* *muaah*

and yes of course a truck full of buzzzzzzzesssss!!!

#queen bee# :D :D :D

PS: will surely reply to all the comments of that depressing post i wrote yesterday.. but today i really am neither in the mood nor do i have time.. please bear with me :D

FRUSTRATION!!!

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 06:06:03 PST

. . .

A Loser's Song

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 01:12:48 PST

What do you, who raise your victory staff,

know of those bodies lying in a sacrificed stack

What do you, who stand with their heads held high,

know of the shame of a broken bac

What do you, who shed winning tears for the tabloid shots,

know of the strength behind a loser's plight

What do you, who have songs sung in their wake,

know of the weight of walking an anonymous mile

What do you, whose love is cherished and trust true,

know of a broken heart and a bleeding trust

What do you, who stand to receive your medals,

know of a dream amidst sweat and dust

lost

What do you, who call yourselves the mighty winners,

know of the piteous moans of a dying ego

What do you, who have never known loss,

know of the chained freedom of letting go...

PS: i had written a poem on similar lines years ago on some scrap of paper from the back of my school register.. from what i remember of it.. i think it was much better than this one.. so i plan to look for it.. if i am lucky i might find it yellowing in some old diary.. would post it here if i find it.. till then i hope you like this one..

take care

*hugs*

#queenbee#

Hatke tag!

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 07:13:56 PST

Gonecase had tagged me a few centuries back with this really innovative tag.. but at the time i was in the middle of my exams and later on , well, forgive me, but i forgot...

but now that i have finally managed to remember it, here goes

I had to chose from all the pictures i have ever clicked, two of my best or favourite shots
I am sorry I couldn't decide on just two so i have bent the rules and have chosen 4 instead
and i don't know about the best... but these are pictures that had said something to me..

took this from a moving Haryana Roadways bus with my cell.. would like to call it
"STILL SPEED"

I don't know why but something about this man's face fascinated me.. again one i clicked in a haryana roadways bus.. i actually spent 1 and a half hour trying to get a full shot of this face without drawing attention to myself and finally managed this one.. i would like to name it "LIFE"

This is a leaf i saw in my hostel garden and it looked more like a heart to me.. a heart on the ground waiting for its fate.. to be crushed under ignorant feet or picked up and cherished among the pages of some well loved diary.. "THE HEART ON THE GROUND.." i would call it

Doesn't it look like the trees getting reflected in a still stream?
well, the dividing bank happens to be the line in the middle of a bus's window.. and that's no reflection... i would like to name it "FALSE REFLECTIONS"

phew!! that was some tough choice.. hope you liked it as much as i did :)

take care
#queen bee# buzz buzz :D

life-clips...

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 10:23:13 PST

Its strange how it is the little things that can make us fly and also the littlest of things that can take the wind out of our sails..

forever [PART-1]

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 06:17:22 PST

Its strange how we just see people all our lives without ever wondering where they came from or where they were going..
We take it for granted that the next time we walk in the door, they would be there, doing the dishes or drying the laundry, like they had for as long as you can remember.

Its like that old classic chair in the corner of the sitting room;
it was there when you started to learn how to crawl;

it was there when you were sent off screaming to nursery school;

it was right there in its corner, when you walked in screaming with your first prize;

it was still there when you packed your bags and swaggered off to college with that smug look on your face and those stars in your eyes, telling the world, here I come to beat the hell out of you!!

And every time you come back for a vacation, a little more beaten, a little more hopeless, with a few more stars fizzled out from your eyes, it lay right there.

May be, a little more thread-worn a little bit more dusty, the paint on it paws a little more chipped, the polish a wee bit duller, but it was there…still stagnant silent..but forever

And then you walk in one cold January weekend, wheezing from a bad case of viral, still not really over the nightmare of a, not unusually, bad set of semester exams, only to find a shining new leather recliner in place of the old chair.

Turns out, forever just ended.. (to be continued..)

PS: This is actually a long work in progress, impossible to wrap up in a single post, therefore i am going to post it in parts, one part everytime i write, something like a series.
yes, i promise to continue this one unlike another such post, whose second part i never really got round to wrting, so do wait for the next part :D
take care
#queen bee# :)

Boredom

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:17:25 PST

what is boredom?

is it when u crave for company every second of the day
and can't stand people for more than two minutes at a stretch?

is it when you can't wait for the class to get over
and actually curse the college 'coz they gave you a half day?

is it when you pick up a book you have been dying to read for almost a month
and look for the smallest excuse to put it down?

is it when you go off for a walk by yourself to feel refreshed
and actually come back feeling even more tired in both body and soul?

is it when you have 10 movies to chose from
and end up not watching any 'coz u just couldn't make up your mind?

is it when you have been looking forward to your friend's big b'day bash for days
and the night before lie about some important engagement so you won't have to go?

is it when you log in to gtalk to wile away your time
and end up saying brb to everybody just to hide the fact that you have nothing to say?

is it when you spend an hour digging in the computer for your favourite songs
and turn off the playlist in the middle of the very first song?

is it when you fight with your roomie to turn off the light at nine so you can sleep
and end up lying in bed till 5 in the morning trying to find a way around your insomnia?

is it when you make exorbitant plans for your life to pass time
and can't think of three good reason why you should be alive?

is it when you have fought for freedom all your life
and can't bear the desolation it actually brought?

if it is....then it seems that i am suffering from an advanced case of boredom

MY 2007..

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 00:40:54 PST

Well, here I am at the end of another year..2007..
and what a year it has been..my 21st year on the face of this earth
a year like any other and yet at the end of it i feel so different from what i had when it had started.

I started the year on a rather dull note..studying for a stupid exam (multimedia..don't go by the name..for anyone who has studied under MDU would know..it has one of the most boring rattu syllabi) and ended it in a similar vein..studying for another dumb exam (compiler design..though i have still no idea what they mean by it..)

Some of the highlights of the year:

1) Celebrated my 20th B'day with the best bunch of friends in the world eating the tastiest of pizzas eating the chocolatiest of cakes and building the choicest of memories :) (ah! and add to that receiving the most gorgeous straight-out-of-my-fantasies bouquet of red roses!!)
2) Within two days of the dream B'day, i got my first placement with infosys(yuhoooo!!! can't even begin to explain the feeling of giving my first interview..swallowing all my nails in anticipation and then finally standing under the star lit sky of some obscure college a little outside of Alwar)

3) To my great surprise, got placed with accenture as well, the only other company i sat for..even after i was sure i messed up my technical interview.
Now i am in doldrums about which company to join once college gets over in July this year.
:sigh: its hard to believe but my last semester in college just started...

4) The dolphin that changed my life forever:
---for better or for worse???
hmmm..i am still not sure :)

5)Headed the compeering team for my college festival..turns out dreams that come true..turn out to be worse than nightmares..

5) Found some friends lost some...

6)In some ways i have finally grown up while in others..i just realised i am incapable of ever doing that (a big sorry to all those well wishers who keep telling me "Umang--GROW UP!!!" i just can't i swear i tried.. :| )

7) Started this blog..and what a life savor it has been...when i started it one summer evening on the insistance of my friend suni di (who has always had a little too much faith in my writing and other abilities...love u di and thanks for being what u have been to me), with a funny piece about "Lizardo phobia", i had no idea how this little piece of cyberspace was going to change my life..how it would become my little kingdom of white sand.. the queen bee's buzzing ground :D
This has been the perfect outlet for all my ramblings..the chalice for all my pain.. the cuppa of all my joys..and above all it brought me in contact with people who think and feel like i do and helped me find some of my dearest friends..

All in all, 2007 wasn't a good year or a bad year..it was a year of changes...
some big laurels.. some painful falls..new highs and walks down memory lane...

I learnt that cliches are often the most apt things to use or do in a particular situation..and to use another one of those cliches...the most important thing that 2007 taught me was..

"The only thing constant is change"

feelings..attitudes..love..hatred..positions..jobs..principles..people..life..they all changed this year..
for better or for worse..for highs or for lows..who is to judge? and on what basis?...

life goes on..
differently for different people at different times..
and so it will in this new year

with hope and inquisitiveness..i welcome the year 2008

a very very happy new year to all of you...and more than that wish you a year full of curiosity and excitement

hugs and kisses

#umang# :)

PS: I know its a little late for a New Year post..but then what with exams, viral, home etc..i just didn't get round to completing this post which had been lying unfinished in my drafts since
31st December, 2007...
:apologies: :)

I don't have a title for this one..call it what u like..

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 03:06:22 PST

I have seen the beach make love to the sea
I have seen the light dance a tango with a stream

I have seen the wind kiss a solitary leaf
I have seen the bee being a devilish thief

I have felt the care of an unseen hand
I have felt God in a grain of sand

I have seen innocence being sold
as the price for a love gone cold

I have seen the power of a single look
I have felt the taste of a delicious book

I have felt the breath of ice
I have heard the sun's silent voice

I have gotten drunk on the wine called life
and been stabbed by its vicious knife

I have felt the world go round as i stood still
many a secret i have seen the universe spill..

Every moment, every second..
I have seen my heap grow
good, bad, old, new..I don't know..
..This is me...and my treasure trove..

PS: I request all those who read it to please include a title of your choice for this poem in the comments urf plashes section..i would love to know what this says to you
take care :)

PPS: by the way, on popular request..i have decided to award an award for the best title(the one that speaks the most to me..) from among all those left behind in the comments section..the result would be announced on the 2nd of January, 2008 in the comments section of this post. The awarded would get something special from my end(i still haven't decided what that would be so..keep guessing :D).
In order to help me judge i request u to kindly include an explanation behind the title yo chose to give this.
thank you people
love and luck

#umang# :)

Adieu.. :sob:

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 05:12:05 PST

This is to inform all my wonderful friends at blogger, that I, umang (exuberance :D) am looking forward to one month of pure hell..err...semester exams
so, would probably be absent from my little white kingdom..in the hope of not being forgotten, this is adieu till then :)
take care, while i go and fight a loosing battle against those demons some of us call the "BE semester exams" :sigh:

PS: of course, keep checking my space 'coz with me you never know when the urge to write might kidnap my senses and take over :D

and yes, do miss the queen bee *buzz* *buzz* :)

*hugs to all*

#umang#

pretentions...

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 10:05:24 PST

who was i kidding?

pretending i was over my past..

pretending we could be "just friends"..

pretending i was cool with the way we talked..like strangers..

pretending i was soooo over him..

pretending he couldn't break my heart with just one sentence anymore or with one "c ya" in the
middle of a conversation

pretending that reading the mail i had saved in my drafts to be sent as his b'day gift ages ago..when i was still his doll..wouldn't bring tears to my eyes

pretending that sending it to him would elicit anything but a "yeah got your mail..didn't read it properly..aur bta kya chal raha h?"

pretending i am happy and loved and satisfied..when i can't even bring myself to like me..

pretending i have no regrets..that i am happy with my memories..when i curse the very moment i decided to talk to my best friend's friend, who had fallen in love with my dolphin...

pretending and pretending...lying to all and to myself..."everything is great in my life..yoo!! i am mast hoohaaa!! the queen bee".. when each day all i do is give an overdose of sleeping pills to the bloody bashed up mess i call "my heart" to dull its senses..
or just add a few more balls of cotton to my deaf ears...to stop myself from hearing its painful moaning..

the tears are not yet dry
the pain is not going to die
the memories still kill
and my world with lies fill
you try so hard to make me hate u
but i know in my heart i'll always love u as i live my life through...

Puppy love :)

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:12:20 PST

As i walked back to the hostel a few days back the sight that greeted me was beyond words...in the dry, partially open drain, opposite my hostel gate, where we usually see nothing but useless human litter, was a beautiful litter of puppies..that was enough to raise any broken spirit anew :)

Their pure innocence just stole my heart away and i couldn't stop myself from forgetting about every sound advice my mom had ever given me about staying away from stray dogs(pups), and just ran to them..of course they got dead scared of this huge hulking mass that seemed to come barging their way...so off they went skittering under the little stone covering..

but i couldn't stop myself from bending down and crooning at them...trying to get them to come out
they just retreated back a little and stared at me with such innocent puppy eyes..i am really bereft of words to describe the feeling it invoked in me...
i kept calling them out slowly..gently extended my hand into their little cave

it took a while, but then the boldest of them slowly came forward and took one tiny little sniff at my hand followed by an experimental lick...i didn't move and that did it..i had passed the test.. and within seconds was soon buried under 5 pairs of eager paws and happily licking tongues :D

it was such a wonderful feeling...for once, i don't have the words to put it into..i'll just let the pictures speak :)

once again..i am exuberant tonight...

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 06:54:36 PST

i am flying high
high high..
as the highest sky
reaching out for that elusive star
falling through that rain drenched cloud
catching a wiff of the wind in my hair
smelling the sweet scents of newly wet clay
higher and higher i rise in the sky
playing in the air like that colourful kite
twisting and turning with no strings attached
no master to pull me down, no puppeteer to make me dance
i prance around on my own wild tune
whistle and hum my own crazy songs
i am shining tonight with my own dark light
once again...i am exuberant tonight..

#umang# :) :)

Hmmm...2 more 'ME' TAGs eh?

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 22:33:40 PST

Kindly bear with yet another tag in such quick succession to the last...or rather two tags
i was tagged by sameera and humbl devil with two different tags..
and my apologies for such a late reply..i am really sorry..life u know..just didn't get round to answering these
so, without further ado...i am going to reply to both of them in this post...

SAMEERA'S TAG

First up is sameera's tag, which was to mention seven random things about me...
aaaah now this is the kind of tag i love..for those few souls who have been saved the torture of knowing me personally..i love talking about me me me all the time :D
i am my favourite topic in any conversation..uhm uhm
so the seven first things that come to my mind right now are:

1. I love words..i have built my life around and with words..and sometimes i feel that is what i have turned into..a word..just a word..everyone who comes across me has a different interpretation for me..a different meaning..a different view and i am a sum of all these different perceptions..

2. I love people..love knowing them, caring about them and pampering them(and that's not always a very good things it seems..from experience i have discovered that people tend to prefer people who don't give a damn to those who actually care and worry about how they feel..well but i can't quit caring so..)

3. I love traveling and going to new places...my dream is one day go on a road trip all by myself all alone without telling a soul and discovering this world anew on my own..

4. I love to just get lost in random streets when i am looking for myself...discover a new park, nook or corner, i can claim as my own..just sit there munching something..listening to music may be, clicking away and just thinking about the happiness that only i can give myself in moments like these..tranquil.. at peace..and yet bubbling over with thoughts feelings and desires that i am trying to understand and interpret..
telling myself to be strong and to love myself before i expect others to love me..
discovering new things about myself..

5. I love reading..a good book can turn me deaf, mute and blind..sometimes i stop reading the book and start living it..nothing gives me more pleasure than losing myself like that..away away i fly off to lands unknown away from all that i know all that i have seen all that i have lived..its a great high..to cry one moment and laugh the next..to die one second and come alive the next..that is the magic only books have mastered...and no non-reader can ever understand the lure of it

6. I love being pampered and loved..and yet to be set free..to be left to fly..i wish i could be the centre of someone's universe to make someone crazy about me and to feel just as crazily about someone and yet i can never survive in a relation that doesn't give me the space to breathe and have a life of my own...contradictory?? well that's me

7.Aaah last...well I Love writing, blogging scribbling etc...it helps me put into perspective the things i don't even know i am thinking..and the feedback i get is a high in itself..i always write from my heart..as honestly as i can..especially when it comes to my blog..i write all that flows out of me in one go..i sometimes don't even stop to think what i have written..they are not premeditated..the words just flow out as i type..and i post the very first draft..that is why my posts are not all polished and of the highest quality..they are just me..

HUMBLE DEVIL'S TAG:

time for the second tag...
it was something about..the expansion of my middle name..since i don't have any and have to chose one on my own..it will be

CRAZY :D :D :D

i am sure none of u are surprised by my choice nothing else suits me well :D

C: well the C just has to be for "CONTRADICTION" as everything from my profile to my posts show..i am full of contradictions..i am so many different colliding clashing shades rolled together..its hard to say which one will come up in the cauldron next to stain the next sand dune of white sands..i could be that girl sitting in the middle of a group chattering away to glory and guffawing without a care in the world..the twinkle in her eye could only mean adventure is in the air and she is up for it
..and then i could also be the girl sitting alone next to the window in a restaurant sipping her coffee and munching on her hot dog..staring at the people passing by..with a smile playing on her lips..lost in her own world..quiet and at peace..
i could be that girl in the party with perfect manners and etiquettes..the perfect lady
and then i could also be the one jumping around in the mud not giving a damn about my jeans and top..the favourite di of the galli ka bachas..and i could be just so many different girls..even i don't know how many different contradictions i live each day..may be i'll write a post about some more of these one of these nights..till then keep guessing who i could be next :)

R: "ROMANTIC" i am a hopeless one..sweet romance with that innocent honesty and a heavy dose of imagination and u have me on my knees :D i am a sucker for romantic songs, movies, stories and the works you know :)

A: "AQUARIAN" i am a typical crazy, wacky, unpredictable aquarian...
freedom is what i strive for
idealist i am to my very core
honesty is my true belief
friends are people i could die for
dreamer i am of lands unknown
wit and intelligence touch my soul
i am curious and question it all
ignorance could kill me
the unknown calls
i am an aquarian
free as the air
unpredictable to all
i am as much the beauty
as i am the beastly troll

Z: "ZOOM" yes..zoom..i like to see everything in zoomed in mode..be it life people things ..everything..i love observing them and knowing them to the fullest..discussing them with myself..discovering some hidden part of the picture..that's my hobby :)

Y:"YUMMY" hehe..i know strange choice for a definition..but since this is about me it has to have something to do with food..i am a foodie especially when it comes to non-veg i am a die hard non-vegetarian..love trying new dishes..experimenting with what i eat...everything from road side thelas to cool hangouts have me as a patron..the paneer roll wala from the nukkar greets me with just as much pleasure and familiarity as the chic owner of the posh little eat-out near my place..

phew!!! finally done..pretty long post for a tag eh? but nothing shorter could have done justice to them both...
now its my turn to tag..so i tag(with both the tags):

Firewhisky
Reeta Skeeter
Soup
Gonecase
Ashu
Shashi
D Sinner
and to any one else who might want take it up...go ahead people but keep me posted :D
#umang# :)

:O :O :O

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 05:49:40 PST

I was recently convinced by soup to test my err.. flirting skills..which i was quite sure were way below average(or so i like to believe ;) :D )
so it is not hard to imagine the level of shock and disbelief i felt, when, after painstaking filling out the test form with my characteristic honesty :D , this is the result that stared back at me:

MOCHALISCIOUS FLIRT

Seductive. Naughty. You're like the Mocha Flavour of Bru Cappuccino. You exemplify the rich full-bodied chocolate flavour with the right amount of caffeine intoxication.

Flirting to you is second nature. You're a predator in the game of flirting. You're straightforward in your approach and don't wait around for the occasion to arise. You create them! You take charge of situations using more actions than words. You are confident and it shows in the way you carry yourself as well as your mannerisms. You are definitely an eye-turner and have this energy that excites and draws the others closer!

all i could do was stare at the screen in awe and dumbfounded shock...

super flirt?? me?? aise kaise??

i mean..

i agree,

i love using my imagination when talking to people...

love playing sassy mind games.. but then doesn't everyone???

love having a little fun when the other person is witty enough..

love pulling peoples' legs..

aaaah and how can i forget my million dollar smile that i turn on every time i reaalllly want something?? :) :)

but that doesn't mean i am a flirt!!!

I am just a sweet little 20 year old who loves to have some fun..that is not flirting haina??

*looks around innocently from under her lashes*

naah they definitely got it all wrong ;) :D

what say?? u agree right??

and to add a little more flavour to this cuppa..read ahead for my err..Flirt Profile :D :D :D

The friendly flirt

Friendship is very important to the Aquarians so they tend to get a little mixed up when they are flirting. Be careful Aquarians that you don't give the wrong signs to the one you are focusing on. Mixed messages are easy to give when you're flirting. A shrug of the shoulders can mean you are not interested, but if at the same time you're giving them that warm and engaging smile then they won't know what to think.

well, all those who know me are invited to leave behind their take on this in the Plashes (comments) section..and those who don't know me..well they are most welcome to find out and then leave their views here ;) ;)

FMORT!!!

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 06:10:18 PST

I recently got tagged by supriya and firewhisky (sorry for the late reply people..had it written at the back of my register for days, just didn't get around to posting it..what with my net conn, which seems to be waiting for me to just click the 'new post' button, to get zonked..or my register which got lost thrice in two days..or my friends-in-need who, every time, manage to ping me at precisely the moment that i decide to finally post this..and the list of hindrances just goes on.. :D but today after many pings and many zonkings :D i finally managed to put it up phew!!! )

so here goes..

i had to write five minutes of random thoughts...and i thought what better place to document random thoughts than in class 'coz that's the place all my thoughts are full of..well..randomness, at its best :D :D :D

i am sure every err not-so-sincere student would agree with me about this...everything from day dreams to abusing unbearably torturous teachers, from latest crushes :sigh: :sigh: uhm uhm..to planning upcoming blog posts (which never get written by the way :| )
from drooling absent mindedly, thinking of Rahul Khanna (mmmmm...,who was one of my first crushes as an MTV VJ ,and with whom i fell in love with all over againwhen i read his marvelous blog on intenblog) to feeling all frustoo thinking about life..what else are lectures for eh?

So to catch on paper some of those birdies zipping through my head..i wrote this in my Neural Networks(NN) lecture, which is one subject about which in particular i have absolutely no clue...hope u enjoy it.. :)

0:00
Random thoughts..hmm..
sitting in the NN class..
ma'am has just finished some topic called "linear associator" or something..who cares what a piece of crap..i am sure even she didn't understand half of it..all she does is, cram it up and spit it out here rattu tota..why the hell is she staring at me anyway..Grrrrrhhhhhh..and could someone tell her how to dress up..she is looking like a sunflower..a sunflower with double standards at that..look at the way she is simpering at Vivek arora and looking daggers at me hmph!!
no wonder that tubelight over her head is flickering so much..negative vibes eh :D :D :D

<yawn>

God i am feeling so sleepy..i wish i could have bunked and slept..but this God foresaken attendance its already so short watt lagi padi hai :'( :'(

<yawn>

why did i have to be up all night reading Rahul Khanna's blog?? :sigh: how can an actor be so damn good with words :sigh: and so damn cute :sigh: :sigh: :sigh:

shit!!!

why the hell is she coming this way..what if she demands to read it..thank God time's up!!..band karo register umang banddddd!!!!

05:00

phew!! well, i managed to stow it away just in time though she kept giving me suspicious looks throughout the rest of the lecture
bachh gai!! :) :) :D :D

I tag:
Gonecase
Maverick
Abhushek Sahay
Nikhil Kulkarni
Tabz
Sunila
and anyone else who might want to take it up :)
take care

#umang# :)

So what is FMORT?

FMORT stands for Five Minutes of Random Thoughts. It is a byproduct of a wild whim that played in my mind during one of my day dreaming sessions. In an attempt to bring something productive out of it, I thought of giving it a shape. It is fun to read what people think, when they are asked to think for five minutes of allotted time.

Steps to follow:

Get an alarm/stop watch, piece of paper, pen.
Set the alarm to ring 5 minutes 10 secs later.
Take deep breath for 10 secs.
Now, set your mind free.
Scribble whatever comes to your mind on the paper for 5 minutes.
After 5 minutes, tweak the scribbles into meaningful sentences.
Post it to your blog.
The title should be, "My FMORT".
Dont expand FMORT in the title as the purpose is to popularize FMORT.
The first line should read, "I am tagged by XYZ", where XYZ should be the name of the blog who asked you to tag and link XYZ to the post.
Then ask a fellow blogger to do the same and link to your post.
Now sit back and relax.
You would be amazed at the speed with which FMORT spreads.
And you will be one link of the long chain on Internet.

Short sabbatical it was...but worth every minute :)

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 23:41:13 PST

Well, not much of a sabbatical it was..was it?? :)
a mere three days..yes...but a mere three days sometimes make
such a big difference to everything

by the way, let me warn you before hand..this post is
entirely without my characteristic word plays and poetic
twists..
so those who read my blog for my abstract posts and pain
drenched notes..
well, this might be a bit of a disappointment

for a change i just want to write something simple and direct :)
well where do i start
ah yes..why am i back so soon
have i already found myself
NO
i am still looking..but i think i am on the right track, finally!! :)

life had been..err..well..a little too dead these last few months..

but now i am resuscitating it..trying to get back to being that
not so serious, fun to chat with, up for any adventure,
sometimes bitchy, sometimes crappy, often insane, romantic
idiot, who had once smiled back at me from the mirror...

well i have decided life has been manhandling me long enough..
but just like every dog..(*err bitch :D ) has her day..
its my time..to show life what i can do in return..
so i am all set to kick life back into shape..

time to show it, i can be happy carefree and exuberant without
any help from it :)

i am rekindling my curiosity..reviving my spirit

i have my lessons too.. still love people..still start caring for
everyone i talk to..but i don't trust that easily anymore..
i might still be a romantic..
but i know i won't give my heart away too easily this time round..
i am more careful now..don't believe every word
said to me anymore

i am scarred and have knelt and been defeated and hav
bitten the dust..
but i am rising again..all set to get up..dust the grime off
and walk away, proud of my scars..proud to have put up a fight..
and ready for more..

yes, i am trying to be umang again..not that moping depressed
sallow creature..who had no self respect..a mere beggar...
a defeated soul..a scatter brain..
who had nothing to think about except her losses..
nothing to write about except piteous poems and odes to what
had been or could have been..who had forgotten what it was like
to be curious about life again..to question again..
to laugh without fearing the impending tears..

so these last three days i have been rediscovering what it is like,
to wander the streets alone..looking at houses in the lane and
imagining what mine would look like one day..

getting lost on purpose..just to find some new park or street or
unknown haunt, where i can sit unnoticed, eating a red pack
of bingo mad angles coupled with a coke and accompanied
by my favourite songs, blocking out every unwanted sound
or thought, playing on my faithful cellphone mah red and white
nokia 5300 (muuuah!!)

unravelling again the joy of clicking away like crazy with my phone's
camera.. everything from twisted trees to puppy litters..from fallen
leaves to kids sitting on their balconies

re-experiencing what it is like to turn around and look at the
little street child laying with a broken tire by the dusty road
in front of the construction site, where his mother probably laboured..
to smile at him and to feel your heart lift with amazement and joy
(comparable, in a less sensual way, to the kind of ecstasy you feel
when you dip your spoon into the pure dark chocolate sauce at the
bottom of Haldiram's HCF and put it slowly in your mouth..feeling
the soft sweetness with just that right tint of tempting bitterness..
invading the privacy ofevery hidden dark corner of your mouth
teasing you and making you go mmm...:sighhhhhhhhh:
uhm uhm..coming back to the topic..), when he smiles back at you
and waves with a grin on his face and vulnerability in those
innocent puppy eyes..

reliving the pleasure of standing on the bed with my eyes closed
and jumping..(err dancing :D) away to glory

and i don't know so much more..i am trying again to live life
in moments..
a smile here a guffaw there..a tear forgotten..drowned in swirls
of laughter..
that's life..

moments..memories..lessons..mistakes..experience..innocence..
reality..dreams..
and i am ready to live them all again :)

away..

noreply@blogger.com (umangexuberance) — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 11:24:39 PST

I am going away for a while..away from everything
i need a break from all that's familiar
yes..even this..my world my kingdom my hell
i don't know when I'll be back..
could be tomorrow..the day after..the week after..or may be never
i don't know
not a thing
not what i am feeling
not what is going on around me or within me
not how i am reacting or how i should
not what i am writing or why
nothing

so i am off..to sit alone on some lonely bridge to trudge unnoticed on some lonely path
try to get back the connection with myself..to get back to being alone yet not lonely..to find myself again..

my solitude calls..take care