All Bunny ears up cos my Playboy Energy Drink Canada UK vs. Dutch Royals article is up. Woah that was a lot of countries listed in a row in one sentence. Whatever forever. Long live Prince Harry and spicy QILF Máxima of the Netherlands, plus the rest of ‘em. Except Camilla. HISS. Love Raymi Bunny Lebowski the First.

Queen’s Day was awesome. Why should I grow up when this art school geezer doesn’t have to? I’d rather be like him than any of you every day of the week. You guys need to check yourself and enjoy life a little more. Me, I’m good. Miss you Canuckleheads.

Hey gal pals and guy pals. My teeny little Toronto complex troll finally blew a gasket yesterday and reappeared (UGH) so you have her to thank for this narcissistic defensive post but whatever I was going to post a bunch of pretty pictures of myself at some point anyway, you don’t get all the credit.

Zero filter face. Can you show us your haggard under eyebags without a filter, lady? Pfft I doubt it. Here is another flawless picture from last week, click to enlarge it. Zero photoshop, I never do that, zero filters too. I don’t think you’ve posted a filter-less photo in three years or one w/o sunglasses.

Here’s just a whatever one. Simple and arty. Can you be calm, present in your own life and own a simple portrait of yourself proudly? Do you have to hate on absolutely everything you see someone else doing that has totally nothing to do with your stupid fucking shallow try hard life?

Wow I look SO HAGGARD. Look at those disgusting teeth and ridiculous fugly face.

Holy shit this is the grossest I have ever looked I better make a zany facial expression to fill in all my crow’s feet and wrinkles to trick you guys in to thinking I am pretty, no wait, no need to cos my face is fantastic as is.

Okay fine, here’s something wacky. Sorry it just made me look cuter from all the f’s I don’t give. As an aside, I might need to buy a bat to fight off all the dudes who want me here fur sure.

This is me exercising. Because drinking Coke zero equals exercising duh. I’m sorry that I am funnier than you, more original too and you can’t come up with jokes like that on your own. Go write about your swaggy swag now, you empty vessel. What’s your obsession with material worth btw? Things don’t make you better, nor your life. You need be happy being simple, having, wanting, and needing less.

Last night before bed I was adorabs then too. Being cute is a never ending job. When I am forty I will still be cute and my eyes will always be minxy.

Here is a picture of not trying. Try it.

Although some effort should be made to maintain physique, omg don’t forget to harp on me for that too you pathetic freak. You’re so goddamn obsessed with me you’ll write an essay about my shoelace. Can’t you find someone else to harass and jerk off to while crying already? I bet you have a hater hit list a mile long.

I made this for my bf this morning before his meetings because I have zero ambitions. That guy loves the shit out of me.

Hot as hell, smart as hell, sweet as hell. Hell he is swell. Can you go back to your more amazing than my life now yet?

Hi guys. What’s up. Okay I don’t care. Sorry I didn’t blog yesterday. I felt like it but then I didn’t, so I didn’t even though I spent like fifty hours on the internet looking at everything. It feels kinda pointless to tweet or blog six hours hyperly-ahead of everything else like throwing coins in to a black hole cos none of y’all are up to read it assuming only people on eastern standard time read me. I think I should shift my statcounter ahead six hours so my blog traffic numbers calculate properly. I’ll just add that to the never-ending list of not crappening. Along with calling Rogers to turn off my phone. It’s been a month and I still haven’t done that yet. I have issues with responsibility big time. Especially when I am in trouble.

Today is day three no booze. There’s an alcoholic in my head throwing a red ball at a wall again and again and again, no biggie. Also, I have decided to kick w–d too so my brain should kick in to overdrive any minute now. I want to prove that I can do it. My only fear is boredom. I’ve gone through life wearing rose-tinted brain glasses to protect myself from feelings and depression and I agree now that at thirty maybe I should cut the crap. I’ve gone through a mania before which happens when you dry out after years of Jack Sparrowing it. Your intelligence comes flooding back, you think you’re a genius all of a sudden and delusions of grandeur surround you like a fog. You get more energy and require little sleep so be careful. I’ll keep you posted on all things my brain throughout this journey.

Back to domestic stuff now. We sleep on a king sized bed and lately I sweat a lot when I sleep. I don’t know what that means but I know I wake up drenched halfway through the night, go take a leak and then go back to bed on the other side of him where it is dry and freezing cold then I sweat the rest of my toxins out on that side and in the morning I look like Brunette Carrot Top. There is no point in even trying to have awesome hair here thanks to sleep sweats as well my Canadian hair straightener either doesn’t work or the adapter (both of them) don’t. I trimmed my ends last week, which are always trying to fade to platinum. I can’t wait til my Craymi mane is long and normal and perfect. Putting it up in a bun or ballerina mess suits me good and fine though and when it’s all big after drying from sweat and curly it looks nice with the volume and such. I have chilled out about my looks a ton over the last year so as much as it seems neurotic to blog every little thing, really I don’t care all that much. You only care when you’re single about these things and only diva dudes with city stress care about them too. It’s best keeping up with the Joneses by holding your own-ness.

Update: my new straightener just arrived in the mail back in biz now baby.

Sometimes being a peacock and too many accessories makes me cringe or feel the insecurity of others. I used to think it was a money thing, a very convenient way to go against the label whore herd by being a non-conformist and wearing an outfit worth less than $20 but still looking super fly. I know that it’s not about money entirely. If I gain weight (and I have) I know that an expensive outfit is not going to make me skinnier, or feel any better. I’d prefer to do the work, lose the weight, and wear a sexy cheap camisole like I’m still twenty. Although as women age we are supposed to dress it up more. All these rules.

I am skinnier than this now. This was after the medieval fair. Walking with my shitty ankle on paths and forest hills is challenging and frustrating but you gotta keep at it if you want improvement.

Yesterday morning at 8am (no judging!) my last day of fysio. He was throwing a ball to me while I balanced. Guys, if you have never torn a ligament or busted an ankle MAKE SURE YOU APPRECIATE YOUR MOBILITY cos once it’s gone it is awful. When I bend my knees, only my right knee can bend all the way. My left knee cannot because the ligament is still strained and tight I’m going to stop typing about it now before I start crying okay too late. I miss running. I would be in way better shape right now if I didn’t run in to that goddamn hole in the ocean in Aruba. I have to practice bending my knees and lunging holy crap is lunging ever impossible. Losing the ability to walk has been my greatest fear my entire life and thankfully I can walk but I can’t jog or skip or dance or run which are the best. If there is danger I can’t run. I just need to give it time and in a few months it’ll be better. Time? Who has time? NOBODY! Every time I get up to walk it’s like the injury resets again, my ankle is always stiff I better not limp forever. Complaining session over for now.

I love them. I don’t love that they are resting in a parking spot. I love their love though it’s like The Notebook and can do anything!

If we go to that festival I will be wearing these. I’m going to put them on today to start working them in. They’re a bit big, the 39s were too small. I figure your feet swell a lot from a day of drinking, walking, dancing, biking, falling and so on. I got a pair of vintage keds in a size bigger than normal one summer and they were the best. Neon is super in again and having bright feet will give me all the attention I so desire if so required. I can’t wear heels so I have to make more effort with flats.

Turkish Sunday dinner, this was baked I totally forget and not that I knew to begin with cos it was written in Turkish Dutch. We didn’t bring the camera cos the card was full. I like us-time dates, you are way more in the moment and if you really need to commemorate it just take a phone pic or two. The waiter asked why we were sitting beside each other instead of across like everyone else and bf said because I want to touch my wife and the waiter swooned how romantic. Then he heard my English and his curiosity clocked in at 100%. This is why I can get away with dressing like a potato all the time, my Canadianness is all the dress I need. We sat by the window on the second floor and watched all the other diners and made summaries for all of them and personal promises not to turn out like that couple or that one, but that one was alright because they left arm-in-arm.

Wine coloured polish. Time to get another shade. This post has no point or direction and no weed to juice it up either haha. I just had a few drags of a smoke out of boredom and a third espresso. I’ll make us lunch in a bit but I can tell neither of us are in eating moods yet. I’m going to go through some pics and plan my next post or add some to this one. Maybe troll a few people j/k. Okay brb not that it matters you’re all still asleep!

Hey Monday Mondaze, ready for a Germania high-speed Ferrari chase? Lets do lunch first.

No not this. This was a hangover choice (the most best of all) plus there is definitely not this kind of stupidity at home. I am a life sampler and this sample needs to get in my life. It neither tastes like chicken nor reggae nor spice, so anor-ing. Maybe I’ll feed the rest to the fish.

I don’t think you ever kick candy. That’s a kid thing. Ingrained. When your bf is a diabetic-in-training and addiction is custards and puddings and pastries with custards and puddings IN them, you gotta throw down your own sweet tooth credentials, nah man you’re doing it wrong. I just endured ten cavities and a couple roots on my right side seem to be exposed. I let my mouth get disgusting over the last 5 years.

I was pretty pissed off about this. We scored 2 beers off Worst (yes that is his name, I don’t know why cos he’s the best) when we left but yeah one of them obviously didn’t make it through the night.

Beer funeral is served. I bet half my skeezer readers would let this melt in a cup then drink it later on. I know cos I wanted to but “someone” was like no, glass are you crazy? I’ll drink around the glass! I protested. Like the time I said I will outrun the mosquitos in Thunder Bay when we climbed up the mountain.

See?

Well at least they are romantic. I had a bite of one, then had two more. So good. I also became buzzed off one of his tira misu’s. Awesome.

Another award-winning outfit Lauren. This country is colder than I thought. Mom we were wrong. SO many things you nixed from my wardrobe or talked me out of packing (Smythe blazer hello!) I should have packed. He said Spring/Summer I heard ARUBA. Anyway these are AA pants and looking pretty thin haha.

I like my “new look” though. It just overtly screams COUCH and LAZY and YOU GO TO WORK DRESSED LIKE THAT ON A WEEK DAY? Bahah. No, on “work” days I wear jogging pants bro. j/k I put a nice shirt on last week to skype with Dom. COUNTS. This shirt says St. Moritz which is a rich ski person’s destination in Switzerland. Okay if I’m gonna look like a douchebag it’s gonna be a rich douchebag.

Raining again. It rains off and on a lot here so you better check an App before bike riding or taking your motorcycle. When we got to our destination it was sunny and clear. WTF Europe?

People watching boner time.

This is our regular Italian joint. His friend wasn’t working today. Too bad. They f–ed up a lot of our order ahah.

Well at least they like jazz music.

I like the interior shape of the roof.

And that place.

Even this view.

This “prosecco” was disgusting. Meh. Booze is booze.

Um I was trying to get the red napkin and candle. He wasn’t actually staring at me he was in a stone cold daze for a minute. I liked him. Ignoring his entire family of younger girls and their dads plus a mom thrown in.

I wonder what German thoughts could be swirling around in that head.

The candles and the napkins are a nice look.

Aw bye.

Cute.

I like the multi-levels.

See it’s sunny out.

One of the dads kept staring at me I kept busting him he probably wanted me in his daughter cult.

I kept thinking I hope this thing can hold the two of us.

I loved that guy with the ponytail he reminded me of two pony tails I know in a past life. 1. The hippie bus driver from St. Joes elem and prob for other schools as well. and 2. Mr. Stern the drama teacher who always wore sandals RIP dude. He sat alone and read some literature on the town and had a wallet with all these papers and cards in it and because he was the last one left in the restaurant, I stared at him. Well there was a family on the other side too I will get to them. I will just get it out of the way now instead. The mom got drool all over her leg from one of her sleeping boys, aw. I saw her camel toe. Aw again. Red pants and red boot heels. Interesting look.

Tastes like…HELL. Btw I’m listening to this as I write this drivel.

Turns out peperoni is German for peppers and not it’s English best friend Pepperoni WTFFFFFF. Luckily I love spicy peppers but no wonder the German chick kept asking if we liked hot [pepperoni] then these green bean looking guys arrive on my pizza THEN I realized no one knew what the hell was going on.

At least everything tastes the same though. Like garlic butter.

I never know what it is we’re ordering like when Shannen Doherty goes to Paris in 90210 with dumb ass Donna and they eat brains? Shark jumping abroad episodes are so desperate. Meanwhile, in Germany… lol.

Why would we order bread? Hi can we have a huge plate of bread, fuck I just love bread so much I wish we could eat an order of it before a large pizza and shit that isn’t enough carbs lets get some pasta and beer too. Idiot. Lol. We ordered pizza bites, with cheese in them. I was like ok maybe they do them different now and the stuff is all on the inside. Negatory. These beasts were empty. We ate our meals, waited an hour, I had some vodkas, then the pizza rolls arrived. The guy kept coming out and looking at us with relief cos we were chill as hell, completely full like whatever I guess they forgot but no, they fucked up and burnt another batch before finally getting the third one correct LOL I love their German honesty so much no chef in Toronto would come out and tell you all of that and then it’s like F that story why is this Canadian here??? Just wait til I tell you guys about Hemelvaart I got the blowing of a century. I love it here.

I wonder what WWII woulda been like here back then. Then a shiver goes down my spine. I totally had a panic attack during the air show on hemelvaart, it was bad but then I got wasted to turn off my brain. No more weed for me! Ha. It’s one of my post 9/11 perma-mental problems. But it’s also a combined personal sensitivity to the world at present too, looking up at planes and thinking about Boston and yeah, anxiety time!

Super Reichy.

About this time Ferraris started whizzing by. LOTS OF THEM. Mostly reds, yellows, silvers and blacks. A variety of makes, models, years. The kid in the front’s mind was blown, it was a special few moments. I didn’t take any pictures until maybe the 200th car (okay fine, 100th) went by and we were like this is nuts we have to follow them. I guess it was a car club. I know my uncle used to do that with his car kin, going for drives in their teeny vintage corgis.

I’m glad this jungle is joining me for lunch. Whatever. Why stop now.

Seriously it was resting on and all over my head ahahhaa. They gave me goblets of vodka water so it was pretty cool sure bring me a bird for my shoulder next please.

Ancient. What am I even looking at?

And then a year later.

I only had one.

Jesus Christ.

Then stuff it with some garlic butter which instantly melts. We were still kinda hung from Hemelvaart. We don’t really drink here or party much believe it or not so I think it’s alright to admit to being two day hung lazy marathon sloth styles yeah? Thanks guys. Plus it was Saturday.

Getting steamy over there.

Here we go put your car porn hats on now. Dudes I shoulda just directed you to this point sorry for making you go through all of that first.

I got whistled at. The first car I got too. I can now classify as FERRARI HOT on top of NIGHTCLUB HOT. (What other hots do you know?) BICYCLE HOT is another good one.

They were at the castle my bf kept saying. Def a club, check the paper on the dash, many had it.

They call me mellow yellow. Actually, what rhymes with high-strung?

Bye.

I like that my regular is beside a castle that’s all just saying heeheh. It was bittersweet to see the park on the other side with all my medieval fair friend’s tents vanished from it. So sad. Everything is so sad. That’s still a running joke in these parts by the way. The cows are so sad because they cannot drive Ferraris.

I stayed at a Hotel Bellevue in Quebec City in grade 8. Our room of six girls was super f–ing loud and got multi citations. We had MusiquePlus cranked.

2 STDs? Um no please.

We waited until a few more went by to make sure they were going in a cluster and not just their separate ways. They were going their separate ways but we tailed a group of three. I bet they hated that as we so totally were not a Ferrari. So what you don’t own the road.

I had a red Ferrari for my barbies so I was in the club too.

Mouth watering.

Lets follow him. And as a bonus they taught us a new route. Bf was like whoever chose this probably got some heat for it cos a lot of it was rough terrain for low-riding Ferraris, dumb in a sense.

Beautiful.

In shadowing them we traveled back and forth over the German/Holland border several times. It was neat. Felt like following Unicorns.

Like we were in a parade and everyone was watching, animals too.

Alright alright.

Then a super old school vintage one appeared behind us.

So we separated from our friends who did not want to be our friends.

We made some new friends. It was cute waving to them and they all waved back, one guy tried to thumb a ride. They were def drinking . Farmers.

Clogs too.

Wonder what they were up to.

Then we went home and watched movies. I have no idea which ones.

Was Kristin Wiig good on SNL? Don’t get it here and if we did it would be broadcast at 5:30AM whoops. KAY BYE HAVE A NICE DAY.

Time for a Mom feature Little Raymis. It has been been awhile plus this w/e it’s all about yo mama! Lets check out what the dream team Tracey the Minx and Lolo got from The Drake General Store for their Mom Wow shopping date. Ten times cooler than sending flowers, these chicks love to do things (spazzes). So a shopping excursion and lunch in the city courtesy of my home away from home homies The Drake/General Store was the dopest idea. I can’t be there to do it myself this year and do the here is a construction paper card with a crappily drawn flower on it DAUGHTER OF THE YEAR custom-made. Hell I bet if I made those I could sell them for $100 each (self inflated egotism at its best). Remind me to assemble a team of interns to make homemade cards and plagiarize my name on them as my next career move project to fizzle out after 6 months.

Hi! On with the showmance lets go.

Oooh I wonder if my tweet made it into shit girls say, they retweeted it and it got retweeted like gangbusters.

Nice stems jeezis. Nice glasses too! I love how they copy and one-up each other constantly, we always copy each other’s “thing” it’s cute, playful, and fun. Monkey see monkey do. Life is a mirror.

I love this store. Ever since it opened. The owners are dreamy too.

I have never eaten so many eggs in my life since living here.

As a writer I have a great affinity for books, journals, note paper, whimsical stationary, collecting meticulously effortlessly designed notebooks. This makes my heart swoon.

I love this photo. Lois is my godmother. Am I a mother collector? I think I am. GAhah. All your moms are belong to us! I think it’s because my mom is like a child and I am a habitual f–up I am a never-ending fix it project based upon my totally aggressively laid back lifestyle. In other news we watched Our Idiot Brother last night fwahaha.

These I love. I want to make a terrarium. I wish I was not so lazy that I would make one. I want to be the kind of person who makes terrariums. Like David Suzuki. I think I would faint if I met him. National Treasure. His daughter seems wicked too.

Why yes. I. am.

I can only imagine how Dom dealt with them on Thursday haha she said they were very charming. I said my mom is worse than me no filter, which is the charming part D said. AWWWW.

Nice. I knew my mom would have a field day photographing in there. Bonus Mother’s Day gift for the obsessive shutterbug.

In their natural habitat, divas.

Okay ok ocray.

Oh my god I want new clothes so bad.

I want that dress. Love this picture. Florida tanned.

Canadian summers are the best though.

I would love to table dress. I like arranging things, decorating, kitschy vintage-modern, post modern eclectic, nostalgic curiosities. I am a “things” kind of person. Things are based on emotions, the need to tap in to them also if you’re a loner you like play things to fill in for people.

As a girl, how does this box of beads make you feel? She either got it as a gift for a girl or for herself and now she’s going to make me a bracelet.

This makes me feel awesome. Plus “I need it”. I need it in a cabin I don’t own yet.

I guess my mom “needed” this too. She has a lot of jewelry. I “need” some of it. Lol.

Nice smirk Tracey wtf.

Omg seriously.

Ahh.

Yes you do!

Mom are you on a red carpet? Love it.

Totally I love eating soap. J/k

Can’t wait for my shopping spree!

So Parisian.

The D. Gen is like opium. Prozac. All that and more.

It’s designed like a retro pharmacy too. How appropriate. In Papiamento they call it Botika. In Dutch, Apotheek. You learn these things in other countries when you have to drive all over town searching for them and they don’t speak English. Apotheek sounds like Apothic, which assuages my inner-goth. You learn so much here don’t you now.

I just love the digs here. Maybe I am homesick? No just being a traveling bohemian minimalist on a budget makes me yearn to shop more. You realize you have everything in life you already need already, you don’t need to buy more — just one more thing for your mom for Mother’s day though because giving her your new no-buying mentality as a gift this year is a little too last minute fellow Buddhist, you can do that next year ahaha.

Lets play who drank what.

Oh mom.

Love post lunch booze walks, everything is surreal and magical and less boring than when sober. Are we walking on a ship right now? Feels like it lol.

So Tracey.

I’m glad you had a wee stroll around Queen west.

It’s colder here I’m jeals of the Toronto temperature.

Oh my god yum.

THIS PICTURE IS PERFECT. Lois always matches to something.

Quirky is the best.

Oooooh that’s the one you “needed” most of all. Happy Mother’s Day you deserve it! I love you.

You too Lolo. xoxo

I got my blue toms from the Drake General Store when I was living at Adventure House when I was 27. They were like 70% off! I like Tray Cray, love a good deal.

Hehahahee. How many visions of the future I see when I look at the billions of photos of my mom there are out there nevermind Dolly Parton from the previous post. Dutch Bf saw what I was going to look like in the future in Aruba and was like alrighty then. He said He found me, I chose him, he take me. yes we speak engrish. Sorry.

There you go Toronto.

I love stuffed animal things most of all. Sometimes if you’re feeling childish enough your stuffed animals start talking and the rudest sh– comes out of them, hmm funny how that is yeah.

Thanks for Wowing our Moms. And for being open on weekends (oibviously) so I can last minute Christmas shop. I bought my dad a mini air hockey game from The Drake General Store one year.

Sunglasses fetish. The trick is to know the shape of your face. We have heart shaped faces so cat’s eyes work. Plus we have cat’s eyes too. Meow!

I had that black backpack as a kid.

They got the hipster space pillows too. Jealous awesome I love it. Do those travel pillows actually work or do people just buy them to look like they’re flying a star trek spaceship? Btw there are always cute girls in the Gen store it gives you nervous boners I mean that’s what I heard and when I say you I totally do not at all mean me.

Ladies who lunch. Gee who’s PR heel is that???

Think ‘em girls did the city well happy you had a lovely afternoon and the sun was shining.

VIPLEASE all-star treatment that’s how we do.

How cute is this loot.

I want that sweater.

Tracey and her tea. Your British roots are showing. Seriously if we’re practically late for something we will still have time to go to Tim Ho’s drive thru somehow to get a tea for Tracey. INFURIATING.

What’s a Tracey post w/o some family secrets in it?

Those pillows!

First I wanted the gold pig, now I want the pink one. NEED. For all my foreign collections of coins.

Your dog is hairy.

Nice clover showcase.

Fungry.

Wise choice.

So Thelma and Loiuse right now. You can both be Geena Davis.

My top favourite photo of the post.

Punchable faces.

Just give me everything.

Look it’s NDP you two.

How many brunchangover pictures do I have of myself on this patio heh. That was rhetorical. I want an ALT NOW.

Those candles are a classic Tracey present. If you get a candle from her IT MEANS SOMETHING.

Totally Apothecary. Good one guys.

Darling.

Loot there it is.

And that’s that Happy Mother’s Daymi! XOXO. Now you go spoil your moms now.

Thanks for the sweet genetics.

These are mystery videos because 1. I take many and I don’t know or remember what’s what to begin with and 2. I can’t preview them before uploading so I just pick at random. The files these photos come in are too hugemongous to be read by my elder laptop. They’re .wav files and HUGE in size. If the video is too risky I delete after the fact. Thrillhouse!

I was inspired by the fair and went back to my black metal roots SAAAAAAAAAATAN ARRRRRRRRRRR RAAAAH.

Whoops. Today’s about a fantastic journey to Heaven actually cos it’s Hemelvaart.

This was after swimming. See how awesome I felt?

Have a nice day in the life!

After a while there were too many “not surprised” moments to even count. Too bad Hobbit was snoresville. I gave it two tries, passed out during both times. In the theatre with my brother to be fair we were pretty inebriated and the 3D glasses were tripping me out hard like a chilled out Bilbo before Gandalf shows up.

Now his haircut looks like this.

And a little of that.

The barber said it was high fashion. Next time I am going with. It was expensive too and not “a barber” and there were pictures of it in a reputable mag so I suppose it’s a prospective hair trend forecast. The guy said there’s a bar in Amsterdam where lots of bad asses go and drink, they all have this haircut combined with long beards. Sounds Queen west to me. Sons of Anarchy style. I think on beard growth scruff days it’ll look hot.

It’s grown on me now though. We are so in love he could be covered in dog shit and I would be like “That looks incredible honey!”

That’s what’s up player haters. Damn you look good.

Did I ever look like my Nana though, that little Manchester meatball holy sensible sweater and shoes I look like their endless vacation photos, posing by a greek fountain on a cruise trip blaha. I was one of the best and most fabulously (slutty) dressed. I am a rock star everywhere we go, even when dressed like a slob. Anyone you know with a Toronto-sized ego needs to come experience it, intoxicating. Thrilling when you get a bar star hater too. Our waitress yesterday stared RIGHT AT ME every time she walked/panned the room we were like wtf? And the more she did it the more snappy things I had to say about every one of her looks once she was safely out of ear shot. Half of it is my fault because I poured on the drippy George Clooney voice once it was my turn to speak as she asked me what I wanted to drink. I was every fucker at The Thompson, “do you speak english?” in an of course you do you’ve waited for this moment for many years tone of voice. Not many people speak english here. Nothing is in english in the papes or tabloids but they have a Hollywood curiosity, adore celebs too and that washes off on you when you speak like an American.

Representing Playboy Energy drank abroad makes me feel like a porn star and burn a little crimson under the skin. Get ready for the added attention, prepare thyselves fellow divas. Toronto’s snobby street ignoring contest culture dies over the water and you’re gonna like shit a lot more. Jules said when she left tdot she noticed how much of a bubble it truly is. Toronto does think it’s the center of the universe. People are actually nicer in New York I find. And they say New Yorkers are assholes. True they are, you will get bitch slapped ten times easier in NY than Toronto but I think people in Toronto are just sick of each other and all stacked on top of one another and at the same few bars the same crowd go to, you have to keep seeing all the same faces. I just like breaks from it is all I have done everything like I am about to repeat absolutely the same things I did last summer in Toronto? Cool, island, yeah here’s the hipster beach zzz.

Aruba spoiled me. But he wants to see Toronto and what better girl to host that by. It will be fun I know, and at least it isn’t fall. My schedule is already starting to fill we just need to find a place for a few months.

The dog owner was a young chick. A goth emo hipster. What are those called now?

I guess that’s her bf carrying her purse. Daps on that. It is the eternal life challenge to con guys in to carrying your shit for you.

Guys were like F T and that’s when purses were invented and then we had to figure out how to get you guys to carry those too.

I was getting stared at like crazy standing here plus by the guy with the ewok bagpipes (you can see it in the screen shot!) and I’m like GET HERE WITH THE BEER NOW communicating telepathically then I’m stunned it’s cherry beer even though I just asked for cherry beer. I think sitting in the sun checking out don’ts on that bench fried my brains a little and how!

Loved their tunes though. Um I kind of want to be the main Maiden of all this world just saying. I so totally look like Arwen don’t even try to deny it. I have 300 photos as proof. Not that I can find them right now I just wasted 20 minutes. Okay I found one.

Bad ass.

Hey Tyler this is the night we met and I made the ballsiest move ever and introduced myself.

Oh look me and K-OS. Long story. Not really. Lols.

Me n Brucey. Being starstruck by people who are back at you, makes your heart go mad.

Time to get ill.

Looking kinda Mortal Kombat now. I saw the tent where all that guy’s stuff is, I took a picture of this armour. Then I saw it in action.

And now he is definitely staring at me click and see.

And now he is fucking killing everyone!! Bahahaa. This guy went all Shanghai. I had no idea what I was staring at when this was all going down. The sun, the, lack of attention span, beer. It was all trippy though.

On to the next thing.

People watching from up here is good. It’s like Dawn of the dead? The smart ass from modern family pointing out zombie Burt Reynolds and so on but for me it was like oh look there’s that family from earlier. Dad looks tired. We saw German Ozzy Osbourne too, rolling a smoke. Is there a German Ozzy impersonator though? Def a Zombie Ozzy. I have pictures of him. I didn’t actually upload the second half of my fair photos yet this is just left over from part I jeez Louise.

Biggest dog ever. More like horse. It was just a baby too. It looks like the keeper at the gates of Hell, I have never seen a bigger breed of dog. It’s a Dutch something I’ll source for you later on when I post the rest of it. This guy who just stepped out of Jack and the beanstalk had to protect me from him when I got closer. Do you have a permit for that dinosaur bro?

Surreal.

Thanks lady. No really, I think it adds. I’m not being sarcastic. For once.

Gotta go. Homework to hand in. Auf Wiedersehen!

ps. some people have said there’s been probs with my contact form (intermittently) plus they can’t add me on FB cos I am too amazing I have to add you sooo here’s my e-addy just in case – raymitheminxATgmail.com – write to me for any reason under the sun. Put a dollar sign in the subject though if it’s about the good stuff lols. Or if you’re lonely and want a pen pal, listen lady or you have insomnia as I’m 6 hours ahead of you and usually awake or have your email prepared for my morning because I have 6 hour of extra time to get shit done seen! pps. picking up my new bike today.

Guten tag Canada. For realsies. I’ve been awake since 7.30am and we’ve been swimming, to my foot doctor, to “solarium” (tanning) and had a LOT of caffeine today. We are both hyper spazzes and when we don’t drink it’s like, giddy-uppa! He went and got me a new desk chair and free weights too. Oh wait before I continue..

Thanks. Maybe I shouldn’t have done all those tricep extensions before writing just now ow zzz. Plus I swam like a motherf*er today too.

Cliche Euro girl alone in room photo.

We didn’t take any photos of our walk yesterday because we are exhausticated by the camera and wanted us time. Actually no one wanted to carry it, so I called his bluff. The walk went ten times faster without documenting every fucking leaf along the way plus I was wearing flip flops and it’s all sand. I walk like a gimp. Like a pregnant bitch. Especially in sand. Halfway through I gave up on limping and forced my foot to walk in the direction of forward and I could do it but it hurts. Doctor today said it was improving but I had to stick my face down my shirt to cover my crying from the pain it endures when he manipulates my ligament.

Some of the rest of my outfit. It was so hot out yesterday. We went for another walk later on and fed the ducks and thousands of carp and the ducks scared me. There’s an aggressive fat female who walks up to us on the bridge honking and bullies the men off, I have duck phobia. It’s a perfectly logical fear to have of being pecked. Maybe we will make her in to peking duck if she blows it next time.

Bf was making a stupes face so I cropped him out because I think I look pretty for once. Except where is my reflection in the mirror!? OOOOOH Vampire.

Alright now here is where the show begins. We drove to Germany to perhaps climb to the castle and have a beer beside it but then spied a Medieval fair afoot. What’s that? WE ARE GOING TO THAT.

Ignore all the normies and just stare at the freaks. Best. We drank up in that tree house under the two top blue tent points. Looks pretty rinky dink from here come to think of it. A sign I couldn’t understand in German said climb at own risk but what is life without adventure? Actually wait that was my bf’s ad lib I’m like the lady at the flower shop writing verbatim phone messages on flower note cards or the engrish cake decorator.

Oh yeah we are so going in. This guy tried to haggle fuck with us at the end and I was like that’s really great and all if he messed with me in English, joke’s on them ahah. Happened at every tent pretty much. Plus we watch Scam City religiously so we know all the gypsy-swindling tricks.

Sunday Funday in Germany .

I was pretty excited. Dis gun be good. I’m a total freak secret nerd too. I mean genius.

Zero successful spells cast this day. So many wizards. Tons of goths. Larpers ran the whole show.

Hey whatcha looking at?

Obvi.

They were speaking Elvish. Just kidding, German. Same thing. Just kidding. But no, even in English I’d be like what are these geeks all fucking talking about seriously hello??

I better get some axe throwing skills (I have friends who do it) just in case and maybe some crystals too and gummi bear juice balahaha omg I can tell this is going to take forever getting through this.

My first honeymoon weekend here we drank on the other side of that on a patio, it was so fun.

Sweet outfit Lauren.

Not hungry.

Beer. Yes.

Proper set-up here.

Authentical.

Bad ass player. Bf hasn’t seen role models yet. I quoted it a million times. It’s going to be so much funnier now. That’s it if I send him the trailer he’ll d/l it instantly.

Love him (king guy from the hangover) I kept asking where the king was (to no one) and lets go find him. We didn’t.

You betcha we saw larping (the battle) before we left then it was like ALRIGHT THAT’S ENOUGH.

Haha Fogel. Omg he hasn’t seen Superbad either. Am I the only person who doesn’t have a life around here? Back to Rayme Times now.

Parent time out place. The fighting happened behind them. Someone’s face was eye level with my crotch the entire time I took pictures of it. I get a little nervous in public here because I don’t understand anything I hear and people kind of talk loud sometimes to include you and you’re like is this a test? I don’t know any of their fucking answers. These moments happen when my bf takes off to buy beer or run up a building lol I dunno. I basically get a lot of social experimental opportunities. I think the neighbours think I am a snob though because I stonewall them because it’s exhausting waiting for eye contact, to be polite, then we wave, oh, is this the wave part? Like a passing boat on a lake. Stranger encounters, faux pas, rules of etiquette where there are none. The deep person’s travel doctrine.

Lets play eye spy.

I spy summer goths. I am one to talk because I wear black in the sun too and I know it is idiotic. I am just sad I didn’t wear my grunge crucifix this day and I was so close.

Some guys were holding these like they had beer inside. Ew gross/jealous.

Dreeeeeeeeamy. Beer in a wine bottle, how swoon.

Proost!

My stomach is rumbling.

I did not have the attention span for that. I have videos though maybe I will have attention for those.

I went to a Medieval fair when I was in England, it was at Warwick Castle. I think I only repeated that 10 times. But it did feel great to be here by a real castle in the sun with all the goofy shit to look at. I mean historical period things. I love the past and people who think they’re pirates and weirdos in general. There’s good finds to be had too but I’m scrimpy AND saving my load for an H&M spree or a top shop something like that, something like f21. Something in Amsterdam I’m sure. It’s really hard to ignore the inner hippie at these things but luckily there are a lot of one of a kind don’ts. Like a skirt that you velcro over your pants because you don’t shave your armpits anymore I think?

We sat on this bench and heard 400 people say the exact same thing about this, but in German, Dutch, Russian and so on. Ooh, left out in the sun too long. I got him to cross its skeleton leg over the knee later on faaaaaaaaabulous.

That’s my flag, well one of them. Big-ups WALES. I bet they won the battle.

These guys watched us while we drank our beer and we watched them back. The bench was positioned kind of oddly on this hill and we took it. Best people watching tanning perch.

Lots to see.

Look at those sweet crosses. Bet they’re real. Yes at one point I did in fact quote William Wallace.

Yo chill Transylvania. I wonder how much trouble I am in once he reads all these blog posts he needs to catch up on ahaha.

Some lovely hats.

Ancient wall. I give it 1661. I just Wiki’d the town.

This is getting weird now.

My sweet stamp. Almost as shite as my tattoo.

Now I’m thirsty.

Nice cape. Okay I’ll continue my Raymedieval Review after my shower. I have a Skype appointment and I just Something about Mary’d my bangs with hair glue he got from the stupid haircut he received this morning. Have a tubular Tuesday.

Hi everyone who is not me, happy Monday. Better make it snappy cos it’s hot out and it might not last plus it’s almost lunch. I’m still not 100% and I think this thing has traveled in to my lungs now, phlegmtastical. Update: went for a nice walk and now I am back.

Stay tuned for this cray day! Each day is a fantastical mystery adventure. So much to do.

We were curious about this tent for a few days before Queen’s Day then were like oh right, duhh.

Football club.

You think at the top it says drop?

This is vodka.

Cuuute. Sister said my blog is inspired, wants to paint me. Can’t take it back now! Actually we should have a paint jam.

Super goofy ahha.

Handicap friendly. I heard another conspiracy theory from the father! There’s an empty unit in this building from when they housed prisoners off-site, you can’t reach it from the elevator. Love it. Scarylicious. They’re gone now.

Lets go for a drink. Or a ton.

Boobs O_O. They had an it’s your fault not our fault look away disclaimer. Very cheeky country.

Night club hot. If asked to classify one of my kinds of hot, NIGHTCLUB HOT is one of my hots. I also represent a strong BEER GOGGLES HOT front as well as OLD MAN HOT. Have you got an hour? It’s funny or cosmic that I come up with these dumb sayings, raymisms, then bf’s sis and I got to gossiping or, “bonding” and she was going through pictures from this night and making fun of herself and I’m like yeah sames I’m nightclub hot. Then we laughed for five minutes ahah omg I can’t stop thinking about the sour face of that woman who gave me stink eye for a full fucking hour straight! The more drunk I became the more I mouthed off about it until finally I gave her the longest eye contact mean girl smile back and we stared at each other for five minutes, she must have been Latvian I dunno (hi Anja!!) but she def came from the cougar bar from across the way. There’s a name for it they all make fun of but it’s kind of a compliment when someone makes you their enemy all night long meanwhile everyone else is blowing and hugging you. I got nicknamed Moose (Canadian) and had to explain why that particular Canadian mammal was not a complimentary thing to call a woman and now it looks even worse when typed haha.

I actually liked this place a lot. It’s a restaurant earlier in the day, evening. You can watch the boomers lining up across the path and they ALL eventually turn up at the dance club you’re at, endless action and entertainment. Good DJ too. I was dressed like a mom, no one cared. Next time I will dress less homely. We went for a drive, then we went to the city, then were like lets call sister she’s like ughh more notice please next time ok I’m getting ready now lol then we walked into the square and bob’s your uncle disco time. My outfit and have a good time audacity with 25 years jr get-up is precisely why I got stink eye all night long. She didn’t find Mr. Right at the cougar bar so she went across the street to scowl at everything. I danced even more ridiculous, my bf was dipping me it was the best funnest time ever. I wanted to pinch myself.

BF knows the dj.

This is what you call a better pour on the personality outfit cos you ain’t got shit. Guys I love a challenge. Pretty and plain girls are a threat oh no she didn’t just apply chapstick!

Is this a living room art installation. Get me some olives.

How ’bout ‘dem pants. Crazy pants are in here. Bf said Germany is known for its fashion crimes. Okay good thank god so the fugly crap I’m seeing is just euro Don’ts and not the fashion forecast for fall-onward.

Adorabz.

Booze is kicking in. You win some, you booze some. I’m drying out again for three days. And no more auf der wiener schnitzel neither! Or Sauerkraut sangiches (Bread Pitt voice).

Dance with my necklace please I can’t groove with it on.

Man gossip.

Nice.

Nightclub hot.

There she is. Mommy and Daddy are leaving now.

She bumped into a friend of hers but lives nearby anyway so we were like okay can peace with peace of mind.

Nightclub hot lol spying on people is fun I bet she will blow a gasket when she sees my blog today. I gave her my biz card this evening then agonized over it all night long ahaha.

Well hello there who’s a cheeky Susan? Seriously I think like a gnat is writing this shit now.

Litmus test. I put this on FB and nobody cared. Assholes. And the one day I wore jeans too.

Look it’s me and bikes.

Look it’s me beside some orange, the nation’s colour.

Bono?

Cute fat little ponies. Okay here is a cute story involving horses cos someone said I don’t care about horses ahhahahahha. So one day it was raining and I saw four horses standing still all facing the same direction away from the road and they looked really depressed and I went OH AWWWWWWWWWWW and practically started crying (I got my period later that day I think) and he’s like what what!!!!!? And I was like they’re so sad! And he’s like BAHAHAH of course It is raining! Zero sympathy. Then he’s like baby why you’re so sad for? A horse cannot hold an umbrella ah no look at those cows, they are so sad they are getting wet and now are lying down, so sad boohoo. Oh no those sheep lets take them home so they don’t have to be wet. In short, now all we ever do is make fun of how sad wet horses made me. WTF It was cold and wet! This story is funnier if you imagine everything my bf says sounds like Borat.

Heehee.

Hung the next day grocery shopping was not a genius move but we did get a lot of stuff. I’m smoking this for him at a gas station cos he ran in for more smokes otherwise I’d have chucked it out the window but you can’t do that at a gas station now can you.

We also got these guys from the supermarket. Win. Commemorative.

The moment I got my appetite back after being ill this was the first thing I had a craving for.

And schnitzel. Huge plate, ate half then we had the rest the next day for lunch.

Oh yeah this is in Germany. Quite authentic.

Yep.

This was our to go home take. Those are croquettes.

Zoom. Kay bye!