OK I GET IT...

2012-08-07T13:55:00.000-04:00

Moments of Impact

I watch a movie the other day called the VOW; really just because I wanted a chick flick as well as a good excuse to cry and have wine. If you have not seen the movie I won’t ruin it for you, but I do have to talk about it. It was a basic story about a couple who loved each other, and due to a car accident she could not remember him or that part of her life. So he was forced to make her fall in love with him again.

The movie took my by surprise, making me wonder about moments of impact in my life that have made me who I am. (I sometimes wonder if it was not for movies would I not have any self-reflection, totally pathetic right.) I decided that I would take some time and write in my club journal for my friend some of the things that had impacted my life and perhaps it would help me on this journey of finding myself again. It was a lot harder trying to define moments of impact than I thought it would be. At first I thought sure this would be easy, marriage, kid, house, were times. But then I thought harder, those choices did not make me the person I am, so what did?

I remember before I met my husband, that I was going to be the first female fighter pilot, but some chick beat me to it. (She did crash into an aircraft carrier a year later) Not because she was a woman, but they made sure to report it. It did not stop me though; I thought I could still do it. Well as you all know, I work at “chicken flats” so nope I did not grow up to be a fighter pilot, turns out you need really good eyesight, and Lasik had not be out yet. But I don’t think that shaped who I would become. So what was it, what made me become the person I am, or the person I was going to be?

I met my future husband not shortly after that though. I know he was a moment of impact. There was something about the way he looked at me, right into me. A stare that made me want to be a better person. He would see all the things I would be and could become before I would. He had a subtle way of telling me the truth always. (Which years later I would grow to despise) I really thought I was my own person and that I could take on the world, but truth be told if he wasn’t there I am pretty sure I would have crumbled like a house of cards years ago.

Second moment of impact: buy out family business, or risk starting my own career. This was an easy choice for me but perhaps it shaped me more than I know. I grew up working in family business. I never really saw anyone in my family happy. They were always working, never took and vacation and it was a struggle to make the business say afloat. So why would I want that, I made the choice that I would work in a Corp. of some sort. A business large enough provide stability that owning your own business could not. (Hence the capitalist and republican that I have become.)

Third moment of impact: Death of my Father. My dad had always been the glue of our family. His death was devastating. Although it was not a surprise for he was not the healthiest of men, however he was young when he left this earth. I had suffered loss before and it never really phases me, but this one shaped me for years. Not sure if it was his death or the fact that I had to make the choice for him that fazed me more. His death had me questioning all the faith I had ever knew, my choices I had made in my life, and the choices I was going to make in my future. So entwined in his death put me spiraling into a hole where I spent years which lead too

Fourth moment of impact: marriage trouble and my journey. Facing the fact that you made mistakes is one thing, seeing them in the mirror and having them thrown at you every day is another. So I started a change, I climbed out of the hole only to be knocked down repeatedly, but I am still climbing out so I guess it will have to do. I will say this I am eager to see number five, and this time I think, I know when it happens I will remember it!

So what were your moments of impact that help get you to the next step in your life? Please share them with me if you can, perhaps your stories will be my next moment of impact.

2012-07-20T13:37:00.001-04:00

Selling my soul to the devil.

I am really thinking the selling my soul to the Devil, it might be the only way I will see any progress! So, I managed not to have my weird crying dream the last few nights, but I am sure that is due to pure exhaustion. This week at “Chicken Flats” we had to replace a floor. That meant everything had to come out for a day and then put back in, and taken out of another section and back again and so on till complete. Then to add to it, it was like a freaking 100 degrees and I chose this week to get back to running. I must be retarded or stupid; I have not figured it out.

I ordered the free trial of Sensa two weeks ago and received it last week and thought I would add it to my running routine. First off let me start off by saying that number you call to get a free sample is a pain in the ass! It is completely computerized and the stupid thing is program to do an add on sale for every item they offer. The free sample phone call took 15 minutes, and had I said yes to any of the sales pitch questions I would have been charge nearly $400.00 just to get my free sample, of course it would have been upgraded to free shipping and somehow I would have saved over 50%. (Still trying to figure that one out).

Any way I have been on it for a week, and believe it or not I have gained a freaking 5lbs. Which I am not sure how that is even possible, I have walked and ran all week, worked my butt off at “Chicken Flats”. I totaled it out to be about 17 miles this week. How the hell did I gain weight? (Don’t give me any of that crap muscle weighs more than fat…newsflash that is volume not weight. 5lbs of shit is the same thing as 5lbs of flowers, just not pretty or sweet smelling). This has brought me to my newest conclusion. No more pills, no more drugs, just selling my soul to the Devil. I am pretty sure that is what all the famous do anyway. So if anyone out there has seen the Devil, please send him my way, I will pull my pen out to sigh on the dotted line!

2012-07-16T14:43:00.002-04:00

What was that?

It was raining as I walked out the door, without looking back. I could feel the warmth of the tears stream down my face as the cool summer rain stung my cheeks from the storm. As I sat in car I could feel his pulse as he held my hand. It was rapid and hard, in conjunction with mine. It was like he was an extension of me. I could feel my heart beat faster as the tears continued to stream down my face.

“BUZZ BUZZZ BUZZzzzzz” the alarm went off suddenly! That was the same dream I have had every night in the last three nights. I can’t make out where I am going, who I am with or why I have an uncontrollable urge to cry when I first open my eyes? Could I be going crazy again? Is my subconscious telling me something? Hell I can’t even figure out if it is from the past or in a distance future or even if we are on Mars; who ever "we" are.

I have been up and down lately, can’t seem to figure out where I am going and why I can’t I get there faster. I am on week two of my rerun, and I am really hoping it works this time. I know I should just stop hoping and just do it, but I can’t help to feel like I am leaving something out. You know forgetting something. I hate the feeling. It does make me crazy. Oh well, guess if I linger on it, it would only create a new illusion for me, so I will keep pressing forward. Perhaps my dream will too and I can figure out what I am forgetting. In the meantime I am thinking a good four miles should clear my head, so here we go.

2012-07-15T11:30:00.004-04:00

The second time around but who’s counting?

Well, I made it through week one of my 12 steps. I am really luck to be going through this second time with a friend. Strength really is in numbers, even if it is merely two. This past week, my dear friend Nancy has decided to take this journey with me, and I am crazy proud of her! This has been a battle we both have been fighting for so long, and secretly I think we have been both setting ourselves up for failure; but not anymore because we have each other to all each other out.

We, (she) has decided we should record this in our club books. The book is to help us get out our fears, and goals, and even aguish. I thought that is what my blog is for but let’s be honest; you can only go public with so many of your skeletons. If I were to clean out of closet sort of speak in public I am pretty sure people would run and never look back. I told myself if I truly want to make changes I have to face some of my biggest fears and truths. So I wrote them down. The scary thing is we share the books, we trade them, so the other can hear our fears, and lend support. I was crazy nervous when she read mine, but suddenly relieved when she said “I understand.” It was weird, no judgment, no advice, just pure understanding and compassion. Something I had been craving for quite some time and until she said it I had not realized how long I had been searching for it. I slept so good last night and felt so comfortable in my own skin for the first time in such a long time.

I was really optimistic when I decide to jump on the demon scale and was terribly disappointed when it had not budged, but for the first time in a long time I did not feel defeated, I simple looked at the number as said, “It time to bring my game face!” I am grateful for this blog; it has been an outlet for all my frustration and confusion, and place where I have received support when I really wasn’t looking for it. I am sure this time around will be filled with ups and downs, times where I rise to the occasion and times where I lose my freaking mind, but this time I am prepared. This time I have power in numbers!

2012-07-10T14:34:00.001-04:00

OBSTICALE OR ILLUSION?

Here I go, I find myself confused and lost again. Why? Why is it so hard? I started thinking after an emotionally draining conversation with my dear sweet Nazi. What are my true obstacles and what are just my illusions of obstacles? Of course he calls them excuses, but in my mind they are things that have merit and value but in his mind, just a road block I throw up so if I fail it is not my fault. So is he right?

Let’s not jump to any conclusions now. I am not going to say he is right because to be quite honest, I am always right and I am just not ready to concede otherwise. (Okay off subject, sorry all. It will take me a little while to get back on track and I will learn to keep my inner-monologues to a minimum, my deepest apologies fans.) Where was I, yes are they obstacles or illusions? Okay here is a good example, the role of wife. Obstacle or illusion; the definition of wife is:

Noun: 1)

1. A married woman considered in relation to her husband.

2. 2) The wife of a man with a specified occupation: "a faculty wife".

Do you see what I see? If not let me break it down for you. A wife is a mere illusion of a woman secondary to a man. All these years I have been defining this as a role in my life as a primary piece of who I was, when clearly it will always be secondary to who I am, or as the dictionary say secondary to him. I have been beating myself up to be the best wife possible when there is no such thing. There is no rating scale, no defining stages of success to it. It just means you freaking married someone! Why the hell have I used this as an obstacle, that taking time for me, might lead to be being a bad wife or a poor wife. (Holy carp I should really start reading the dictionary more often!)

Obstacle two Mother obstacle or illusion; the definition of mother is:

Noun:

A woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth.

Verb:

Bring up (a child) with care and affection: "the art of mothering".

Do you see it? Once again, only a mere definition of something you once did. You gave birth. You help grown them, then you pushed and in my case some one ripped them out of you. But that is it plain and simple. However if you notice, it is followed by a verb, action that must take place to fill this role. This could be a true obstacle. A responsibility to balance, but not an end all to be all of who I am. So how do I tackle this obstacle? How to balance the care and affection I need to give to my son and to myself. (It should be easier now that I have taken wife of the freaking table.)

Of course there is more to it, I know we all want to be the best wife and make our husband happy, and we want to be the best mom, the coolest, not make mistakes. But then what, what happens after they leave, what are you left with? I think Mother Nature was a little cruel when it comes to the human linage. Take Sea turtles, have the egg walk away, birds have an egg feed them teach them to be sufficient and kick them out and hope they fly and if they don’t oh well. But not humans, and not women, we emotionally attach to everything! Even material things, why? Chemically and physically it is not needed, but we do it and carve it like a drug. The unconditional love, the everlasting fairy tale we were told as little girls. With that thought in mind, I have decided no more excuses, every road block I throw up I will decide, illusion or obstacle, because the truth is an obstacle can be moved or gone around! (And by no means did I come to this conclusion because he was right)

2012-07-06T13:07:00.002-04:00

Well I think it has been darn near a year, I kept telling myself get started again, start writing, start screaming, start running, just freaking start. I am not really sure what the hell is going on in my head? It doesn't help that I am surrounded by CRAZY, it is any wonder that I am as sane and put together as I am. Although; I have read some of my past blogs and thought. Perhaps sane is not the best choice of words, of course that is what makes me drop dead fabulous.

So I started my journey with a realization, then a pitfall, than an epiphany. Then reality set in. So I thought I would look up the 12 step program from AA and see where my success has fallen so that I can proceed positively forward. Let me just say after reading the 12 steps, I have to wonder how any one succeeds. No offense but it sounded like a load of crap. (I guess this means I am still at step one.) Don't get me wrong I believe in GOD, and I have faith; but I also believe you make the choices in your life; you make your own destiny. That opportunity doesn't come knocking on your door unless you are in a movie or a book. You have to go find it and grab it.

Even though i think i have made these positive choices in my life now, I could kick myself for not choosing sooner. That had always been my mantra, so what the hell happened. How did I let myself fall apart?

KICKING...KICKING...NOW SCREAMING!

Oh well time to move on so I have decide to create my own 12 steps to MY ASS. I have already taken the first step 1) facing the truth. 2) Deciding to change 3) reviewing the past

4) Run

5) Run

6) Run

7) Run

8) Run

9) Run

10) RUN

11) RUN

12) Walk.....

Perhaps it needs some work… I think I will start with Sensa. It should be in the mail in a few days. (I really need to stop grabbing a crutch but hey it is a starting point!)

Christmas in the BDH

2011-12-30T13:59:00.000-05:00

This was our real first Christmas in the BDH, what is the BDH you ask. That is my acronym for the Bigger Dream Home. It really means big damn house that is eating me alive and that I will still be paying for when I am dead. But let’s focus, yes we moved in on Christmas Eve of 2010, which made for a very exciting Christmas, so how do you top that; a house for Christmas.

I was planning a humble Christmas because of the huge expense of the house this past year, and I really wanted a “hallmark Christmas”. You know the kind you see on TV that makes you secretly tear up, but you say “there was something in my eye” One of those Christmas’s that involve enlightenment, peace on earth and of course everything coming together on Christmas morning.

I did however have the typical “Bigger” Christmas, no big surprises. Really after all these years this year were the first that we started a tradition, well we actually started last year; we went to the Chinese restaurant for Christmas dinner. Not because our dog ate the turkey but because we thought we did it the first Christmas in the BDH so why not from now out. I am not sure if it is funny or sad that it was the most exciting thing we did.

I guess I should be grateful, we have survived this year, and grown, and been healthy. But what a year it has been. Bullshit, I will reflect at New Year’s, right now I am wondering why I didn’t get more presents because I am absolutely sure I deserved the world this past year. I guess this is where my son gets his dissatisfaction with his haul this year, not from the fact that he is so over indulged, but that he comes from my loins.

It is a lot harder to do….

2011-12-14T16:21:00.000-05:00

Well, I fell off the face of the earth and now I am back, I was hoping I would come out of the gates like a race horse but I guess anger and spite got the best of me. Winter is the hardest time for me anyway, so the added disappointment didn’t help. I have to say after my last posting I was surprised how quickly everyone came to my support. I received emails, texts and even an old friend dropped back into my life for a moment of support.

So here I am now looking at the finish line that has approached so soon, that I was really frustrated that I couldn’t go back and do it again. All I can say is yes ladies and gentles I made it to my goal. Of course I have to use the handicap I set for myself, but at this point I will take it as a win! So I will have to roll into 2012 with a plan to finish my goal.

Let’s recap in this past year of ups and downs shall we? I stared off realizing that I was shaped like a starfish, and that I not only needed to lose weight but I need to “bring my sexy back” by incorporating a Mantra, that didn’t stick very well. I found out that “Nancy” (typically I hate people that refer to themselves in the third person, but in this situation I am totally okay with it) very much resembles a sumo wrestler in a white thong; so we have made the switch to boy shorts. We have come to the conclusion that the “balls to the wall” is not the best policy for me to follow. Also; that my son has a touch of diarrhea mouth and has no filter.

Through this past year it has been a crazy journey and I have to say that I have made so many changes in my life that I have to look back and be proud of what I have done. I rededicated my life to me and my family ( even though it was not hugely successful, it is the fact that I tried) I restructured my work and gained new help. I started a kick ass Man Hating club that meets once and month and is filled with some of the most amazing women; which more detail will be coming. Not to mention the weight is better, and my health is better than it has even been. I also made a promise to myself to take care for my entire debit in the next few years, and take that stress off my plate. So here is to me….the fantastic fabulous, well dressed, charismatic, top shelf, individual I know.

Now for setting the new goal, of course it will be to finish what I started, but I think I am going to through a twist on it. This time it is for me, solely me. I want to be able to look into the mirror; I want to be comfortable in my own skin again. And if someone follows, so be it, and if he doesn’t so be that too! I will be requiring some help from you all of course. Like a new Mantra, something to inspire me day after day. Something I can scream from the roof top. So I am taking suggestions, post them on my blog, send them to me, and write them on my wall.

Here is to road we traveled in 2011, and the mountain we will climb in 2012!

***THIS YEAR I AM DOING IT!!!

Starting over...

2011-11-21T18:34:00.000-05:00

Well, here we are people it is November and it was August since I last posted. I am sure you are all wondering what happened? Did I give up? Did I die? Did I say to hell with it all? Well truth be told it was a little of it all. The last few posts were filled with self-pity as I am sure this one will seem somewhat like that too. I thought who in their right minds wanted to spend thirty minutes of their day listening to me bitch and whine.

So why, “Did I fall off the face of the earth?” I will tell you why and this is the hardest thing I have had to say it was because I felt I was living a lie. I talked about what a great family I had, and how in their own way they were so supportive, when to be utter and totally honest. BULLSHIT! Oh yeah I had a good job, and a good looking husband, and a cool kid, but none of that seem to matter to the Nazi, there was no contentment no peace and satisfaction in life. I couldn’t be honest and write about it because I felt it was just too personal. So after some long self-absorbed pity and evaluation and decided “fuck it” You all have seen me in a suit which I puke and cry at every time I look at the picture, so let’s fill you in on the non-sugar coated version of my life.

Things went downhill this year at a rapid pace when my marriage became as rocky as the Aspen, Colorado. Sure I thought everything was coming up roses, supportive husband, good job, and new lease on life. When a fucking lightning bolt hit me and made me see that it was all for nothing. It was all too late. My son already had this impression of me that I will spend years trying to take out of his mind of the fat mom that smothers her son. And my husband, though excited that I had taken an interest in healthy had no more interest in me. So I spent the last few months fighting to stay on track but it just seem like I had no reason to stay on track.

I thought about getting off the train and taking a bus, finding a new life, starting over. Could I give up on me, my life and everything around me? Was this my life failing right before my eyes? I attempted to swim and hold my head up, but water kept on coming the hared I tried the more frustrated I became. I could see everything I ever worked for falling apart piece by piece. I felt myself shutting people and family out attempting to make choices of my future my families future based on raw emotion diluted with self-pity and pain.

So now what? The only thing I did manage to do successfully over the last few months is maintain my weight and even though my crazy goal of 60lbs is probably out of reach right now, I am hopeful that I can get a little closer. However I have to decide to really do this for me, which is how I started this journey but got derailed. So if I can keep the spite and angry out of my life perhaps I can get back on track.

So people were we are; right back where we started. I hope you join me a again and perhaps this time with your help I won’t get lost.

Are you freaking kidding me!

2011-08-02T20:53:00.000-04:00

21 weeks and I am finally at the 25lb mark. I truly never thought I would get this far. I have been so crazy busy with "Chicken Flats" and hanging out with all my friends, and enjoying the summer it has been very hard to get off the freaking plateau. But I did it, 25lbs!! I even pushed my workout goals to the max and ran a 10k the other day. To think when I started this journey I was crazy heavy and could not run to save my life (unless it involved a drinking game), now I find myself encouraging other people I meet at social gatherings to join me and run. The probably think I am drunk and my fat ass doesn't really work out, but I am totally siked. (yes I used that old 90's word I don't care what you say people it is still cool.)

This past weekend we had family in and I even managed to drink like crazy and get up when everyone was sleeping and run...(what dedication, what spirit, I am getting to point where I have to give myself some mad props to keep me going so you all are just gonna have to deal with it!) I just wish that would have watch what I ate, Because I get to visit my lover tomorrow and I am sure he is going to tell me that I gained another 3 lbs back. If I did I will be so freaking mad I will spit!.

All in all the last few weeks the Nazi has been a big part of me getting off the plateau. Don't tell anyone but the Nazi, although sometimes too truthful has been helpful and I secretly like it. BUT IF ANYONE TELLS HIM I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FIND YOU AND HUNT YOU DOWN. Cuz here is the thing, I still want him to feel like he is an ass and he should be super proud, love me, and want me even if he had to roll my fast ass over and put medicine on my my bed sores cuz I am too big to roll over myself. CUZ THAT IS WHAT HUSBANDS DO! ( but I know the truth..honestly if it was the other way around I just might have become the Nazi too) But here is the thing, when pretty girls are with fat guys, they think "score!" for the guys and for the girl aww he must have a great personality. When it is the other way around people just think..." ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?" "WHY IS HE WITH THAT?" There is no compassion or consideration, hell we don't even get labeled as human. So I am despritely trying to make up for lost time, cuz I am pretty sure many people look at me and my nazi and said.....ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!

LOST AND FOUND

2011-07-13T12:35:00.000-04:00

Well here we are 19 weeks in and I have successfully lost 23lbs. Not bad right? IT FREAKING SUCKS!!! Although somewhere in my brain I feel like I have lost 50lbs pounds the reality is I am lost. The Nazi has been so kind to remind me that the reason i am lost is because I haven't done anything.

Let the record show I have just not as much as I have in the past few weeks. "Chicken Flats" has been driving me crazy and I have a very big million dollar project that will be wrapping up in a few weeks. So life has been quite hectic. Not to mention we had a lot going on here in the home front. We bought a pool, nothing fancy just one of those ones from Wal-mart..to hold us over til we decided on what we want to do, but that was a fiasco in of it self. It dawned on me that though my neighbors are nice, they really are not. They really despise that we have built here and will use every tactic possible to make my life miserable.

Well in case you are reading y dear neighbors...I don't care what you think!! This is my house, and I will do as I please, if you don't like it close your fucking curtains, and look the other way. Also if you didn't want me here you should have bought it your self!.

Okay enough on that, so we had home issues, and life issue, and work issue..and as the Nazi so clearly says. "You just have to make time". I swear to GOD if I hear that statement one more freaking time I am gonna punch him right in the face. I hate juggling, and though I think there are times that I waste where I could be productive..FB but it is something I enjoy. Why should I constantly sacrifice everything? Why is it that we as women have to chose between being competitive at work and successful, to take care of our families, and being a good wife? When do we have time to take care of ourselves? I look at my husbands day. Work all night, come home sleep 5 hours. up with the kid. Sweeps, mops, laundry. Then I come home. I finish work, I make dinner, I clean up, I get ready for the next day and I go to sleep. While I do those things, he gets ready for work, and goes to the gym. I mean don't get me wrong we both have responsibilities and I think we do a good job of juggling them together, but time for myself...well that is one I struggle with. What do I give up? Time with family, sacrifice my performance at work, sacrifice my time with my spouse (which might not be a bad thing)...what gives?

Another week of travel..another week lost?

2011-06-26T11:43:00.000-04:00

So I was on the road again for "Chicken Flats" and this time I decided I was not gonna let this one get by me.  I made sure that I would make time to get a work out in at least three days while I was out there. The trouble is when I go out there I end up working non stop. With out any other distractions it is easy to dedicate 100 hours and not realize it but I promised myself not this time..no way.

Well I was not very successful, I ended up working about 89 hours, but I did manage to work out, it was the eating and sleeping that fell to the waste side. However I was totally okay that I had minimal time to eat..it was not like I was going to starve to death, nor melt away to nothing. ( I couldn't be so freaking lucky) I was kind of hoping during this trip out I would get some compliments on how much weight I had lost, but nothing...so either I look the same and have not lost as much weight as I feel, or the people I see really don't look at me? I am gonna try to say it is the second of the two; becasue when I came home, and went to my new fav spot "Huff's Bar and Grill" and there I got mad compliments and it is a huge ego boost. My friend Shelly is always telling everyone how cool it is that I am running, now if I can get here to tell everyone about this blog perhaps I can pay my tab. LOL I am hoping my line a credit runs for a while....I could use a break. So if you are reading this could you stock some wine...please?

Anyway, I have not weighed in this week and I plan on returning to my Tuesday ritual and then we will know if I finally have broken the plateau.  In the mean time I have decided to mix some toning in to wake my muscles up. I think they are getting board with the running. So now I am on to a new goal...( don't judge i know I have not total completed any of the ones I have set but I plan on it the additional goals will help me with all of them....this is called multi-tasking, if you don't know it learn it, cuz that is the only way to survive in this world anymore!)

So my new goal...ABS A- ass, B-butt, and S- Sex appeal.

When I got home, the Nazi came up to me, and he was smoking! He is on a mission to rip up and he is doing it a lot faster then me, so I have to catch up, because I don't want to be the couple that everyone secertly wonders why is he with her? I can't afford to be the "HER" that would crush my progress...so ABS it is!! I am asking all out there to join me, Shout it out ABS!!!!

This weeks update

2011-06-14T09:40:00.000-04:00

I have been crazy busy the last week. I decided to run a 5k, at the Nazi's work so that had me very nervous, not to mention catching back up at "Chicken Flats". The day that I came back from my vacation I was bombarded with enough work to make a grown man cry. So between work, setting up day care arrangements, arguing wtih the Nazi, and training for the 5k, I did not get much else accomplished.

I should have wrote Saturday, after the 5k, but I was so tired I spent the rest of the day on the couch and then went for drinks, which is probably why my week totals suck! And when I say "suck" they suck. But anyway, the 5k I did was the first I had ever ran, and I was nervous because it was at the Nazi's work. Those people have no mercy on anyone when they get something on you they don't ever forget it. So I wanted to do really good, so that I didn't embarrass my dear hubby. I ran and I ran, as hard as I could and when I crossed the finish line in a full blown sprint. People cheered and clapped. I felt like I had just completed the Boston Marathon. Then...I threw up. The clapping and cheering immediately stopped. Well so much for not embarrassing him. I didn't place cuz there were freakishly weird healthy people there, which I know didn't work there, but I did do it is 37 minutes, which is my best time every!

So you would think with the fact that I stop eating after 8pm, and ran all week I would pay a visit to my dear friend the slot machine for hell, that he would be some what kind and tell me I have broken the curse of the "plateau". NOPE...jumped on and what do you know..not a freaking pound lost. At this point I can no longer afford to be depressed about it, I have to find a solution. This will be a fourth week with no loss. If I was on the Biggest Looser, they would have voted my ass off the ranch. Pack your shit and get out.

So now here I am, feeling good though because to be honest, I feel good, I feel healthy, and I am very proud of how far I have come, not in my weight loss but in my accountability and follow through. My lifestyle has truly changed. So even though I can't count this week as a loss in pounds, I can put myself one step to my ultimate goal, of being a better ME!

Vacation

2011-06-06T15:09:00.000-04:00

Sorry all, I missed blogging Saturday because believe or not I was on vacation. I had decided to spend my vacation nearly techno free. Attempting to stay away from cell phones and computers, only because I have the tendency to work while I am on vacation cuz I know if I don't attempt to stay in the loop on e-mail I spend at least my first two days back playing catch up which I hate.

I spent much of my vacation home working around the house and yard and spending some quality time with the Nazi. It was a nice change of pace, however our ideas of vacation seem to differ which then caused some termoil. See when I think vacation, I think no work, lots of play and relaxation. He thinks projects, drinks, projects, and gym. (which I know is his sactuary, but what he doesn't get it is not mine, not just yet) Although working out is getting easier and becoming more of my life style, I DID NOT WANT TO DO IT ON VACATION!!! There in lied the problem. As you all know that when I cacualted out my goal, I took into consideration vacation and holidays knowing that there is a great possibility of a set back in weight.

So tomorrow I weigh in and I am sure there will be a set back..because I have been sitting on this freaking plateau so I am sure without working out I had to have gained something. Then I will have to listen to the Nazi. But on a side note I did have some success this past month, even though I did not loose much weight, I lost another 2 1/2 inches...yes that is all over and not in one spot but i still lost it and now people are commenting on how great I look. Which is making me feel much better.

I did however decide I need to get rid of the full length mirror though, it is destroying my selfesteem. I have not yet done it, but I am leaning more and more toward breaking it into tiny peices. See while on vacation working in the yard, I got a horrible sunburn. I was verry carefully getting dressed and I happen to look at my pale skin that had not seen sun in years had turned this amazing fire engine red and I realized, even though I have lost weight I have gone from Sumo to John Freaking Candy. I gazed at my fat realizing I look just like him form the stupid movie The Great Outdoors! Can somebody please tell me when do you start looking good from lossing weight, cuz this is a lot harder to endour then I thought?

Self pity is very unbecoming

2011-05-31T10:28:00.000-04:00

Okay I get it....it has been a rough two weeks, and it is only getting harder. I realized the other day as I was miserably looking into the mirror Self Pity is so very unbecoming of me. The last two weeks not only have I only lost one pound, my body is in so much pain, and I'm pretty sure I have two new freaking wrinkles around my newly formed "crows feet" I used to have a line and now they have officially turned into feet!

I mean come on, I am not old, and I thought thirty was the new twenty? Then why do I look and feel freaking forty? (not that forty is bad, just when you are nearly ten {okay some and rounding} years younger than that it sucks!) So I have decided no more! NO MORE SELF PITY!. It must stop if I am going to be successful at my goal.

So on that positive note, today is Tuesday, and I had to weigh in this morning. So I walked seductively into the bathroom and I looked my lover in the eye, tapped him and said, " let's do this!" As I jumped on the slot machine I looked down only to reveal that I had gained a freaking pound!

"CRAP!"
"SHIT!"
"MUDDDER F&^%#@&!"

Okay ladies and gentlemen..self pity stops tomorrow, unless the tape test goes terribly bad!

The Nazi

2011-05-28T10:23:00.000-04:00

Well it is Saturday morning and I can feel myself slipping into a self pity comma. Which I have a tendency to do when things are not going as well as expected. I have plateaued and it has not been pretty, then to top if off my knees and hips are feeling the pain from the running I have been doing.

This journey has been very physical and now I think I am really fighting the mental part of weight loss. I know I can do it, and I know I just have to push forward, but I really just want to throw in the towel and say forget it. I think my dear hubby is seeing it too, so he is going out of his way with support, (nagging) but he has turned into the running Nazi!. I don't even have a chance to go to the bathroom with hearing..."Did you run today?" "What time are your running?" Or this is the best, "If you run now we can go to the store together." (no offence but really two choirs that a dread..that's enticing. ASSHAT!) I know I should look at this as the real support it is but it is just pissing me off!!

I am working desperately on making life changes, this includes balancing life with exercise and all the other things that have to get done in a timely fashion. I AM NOT MAKING EXCUSES, I am stating the fact, dinner should be done by 5-6 not 9 at night, and bed time for Seth should start 8:30 not two min before 9.

See the one thing the dear Nazi doesn't realise that as the MOM you don't get the luxury of free time, Me time, or lets get skinny time. Not in this freaking house. If the Nazi comes home to a house that is not clean, or dishes aren't done, I get to hear about how I did nothing all day, if the laundry has been put away or I get to hear about that too..Then I get to hear "did you run?"

Don't get me wrong people, its not like Sleeping with the Enemy or any crazy shit like that but, it does make me feel like I am not the wife he expected, I mean hell with all the support I can tell I obviously don't look like the wife he expected. BOTTOM LINE>>I hate failing, I hate feeling like a failure..And now I am stuck in self pity mode which pisses me off even more! But how do you survive with someone, if they think they are better then you, you are supposed to be equals... If you are out there and you feel me pain, and have some words of wisdom please share them...

Tonight> I am getting trashed, and tomorrow no more self pity, we are moving to anger and vengence!

FU Plateau

2011-05-24T16:09:00.000-04:00

Well it is Tuesday again, week 13! Had to visit my, "Slot Machine from Hell" And yes as you can tell from my tone we are not on speaking terms. I mean come on, I ran a total of 26 miles this week, and watched what I ate, busted my ass as work, and put my life back together from traveling and what does the " El De'ablo tell me when I jump on the scale today....you lost .5lbs . NOT FIVE POUNDS people. POINT FIVE pounds; a freaking half a pound.

So as a bitch to my old man and I am sure he can tell that I am disgusted , probably from the excessive amount of profanities that echoes through the house this morning. As I wrote on the dry erase board and threw the stupid marker which I a sure I will never find again.

"It is still a loss." He says is an attempt to be supportive. (when I secretly know he wants to laugh and say something funny, cuz compassion is not his strong suit, but un-filtered truth better known as open mouth insert foot is)

I can not believe it, A freaking plateau...already, I have to get past this, I am 6 lbs behind schedule and I can not afford to "plateau for a few weeks!" Not to mention I am coming up on vacation week which I had planned on gaining 3 pounds from the mass consummations of alcoholic beverages. Now I can't even do that!

So here we are my new enemy....I will see you on the battlefield and I say to you...FU !!

New units of measurements

2011-05-22T10:03:00.000-04:00

This week has been great, I have been back from out of state for "Chicken Flats" and things are back to normal. I have been running everyday with the support (nagging) of my dear husband. But it has been going well. I have been averaging three miles and at least two days I shoot for five miles. It is getting easier, but I can not get my son to understand that mommy needs to have "me time" to exercise if mommy is going to be successful. I swear to God it never fails the moment I turn that thing on, it is, "mommy...mommy...mom!" I want to kill him, he and my hubby do the same thing when I am on the freaking phone..wtf is with that!

Anyway, I was feeling very good; so good that even though I promised myself I would not do it, I have been visiting my new lover all week, the scale. He has not been so friendly with me. It has been up and down all week and I am now concerned that by Tuesday I will have lost nothing? But I wonder is this what happens all week and I just don't know it? So I have decided I need a new unit of measurement to boost my morale. Because I believe I have hit it...the dreaded plateau. I really thought that you weren't supposed to plateau until you actually had lost some weight. But I started thinking about it and this is about were I would normally cave, the 15-19 pound mark..so it is imperative people that I have some success this week! IMPERATIVE!

The only thing that is keeping me going is that my clothes feel different, but the problems is I have such a weird airy of sizes I can't remember what fit and what was tight. I have three sections in my closet..the it's that time wardrobe...everything is a little stretched out or made of stretchy material. The "look at me" section, that is the stuff that is dressing and sometimes I can wear them and sometimes I just look at them. Then there is the "I have a dream" section which are clothes I probably have not worn in 10 years, but I can not part with them, and but the time I can were them again they will be so far gone on the fashion scale I should slap myself for going out in public with them on. But today..I found the ultimate prize, the biggest boost I have gotten from anything I have tried on.

Wait for it...wait for it...MY BATH TOWEL. Note: I don't not have the giant bath towels, cuz one they are expensive and two they take too long to dry. So I have the average size towels and in the past few years, I have struggled to wrap one around me. Well today ladies and gentlemen..I got out of the shower, wrapped the towel around me and walked to my dressing room and realized the towel was up on it's own. Then I looked down and notices it was overlapped and I was not showing any lady parts!! I am officially small enough to wear a large piece of terry clothe!!!

DON' T JUDGE...I will take success where I see fit!

Multiple personalities

2011-05-17T08:08:00.000-04:00

So here I am twelve weeks in, on a emotional journey that still has 30 weeks to go. I had to visit my friend today, the Slot Machine From Hell. Although he is my new secret lover, his honesty is less then to be desired. I weighed in late last week due to traveling for "Chicken Flats", so I am guessing some of that 2 1/2 pounds last week should be this week. But I decide to meet him anyway and of course, as I predicted his honesty is less then to be desired.

Only 1/2 pound, talk about a punch in the gut; even with all the running I did and I practically staved myself during my "last chance work out day" ( FYI: Biggest Looser reference) But I guess it is to be expected, I did just weigh in Friday so it only has been 4 days. Not to mention this weird depression/funk I seem to be in. One minute good, next I am freaking Eor. I am beginning to wonder if I will break out in all the Winnie the Pooh personalities this week and if I should check myself into the nut house. Or at least the nearest oak tree.

What you don't see it? Come on people, Winnie the Pooh is a total mask for a story about a girl that is trapped in a boys body. He runs off to make believe place where all his "friends (dolls) come to life" He dresses like a girl, and his best friend's name is Winne...COME ON! Seriously the guy who wrote it had to suffer from multiple personalities. Winnie- the lost innocent , Rabbit- controlling and anal retentive, Owl- wise, his conscience, Tigger- the outcast one of kind, Pigglet- the humble and scared, and Eor- the depressed and reality struck soul. You know you see it now, right?

Well faithful fans, what is one to do..I am now officially behind 4 1/2 pounds, stuck in a rut, and attempting to run my way out of it. I could use some inspiration now if you got it. Don't get me wrong, I am proud that I made it this far, but I still have 30 weeks to go and now I have to make every one of them count! So e-mail, text, post, call with your hidden tips or advice or words of wisdom.

Moving forward

2011-05-15T10:52:00.000-04:00

Well, I know many of you are wondering, WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE DID YOU GO? Well no fear my faithful followers, it was not me. Blogger was undergoing some changes and I was blocked out till they updated. I was hoping when I came back that I would see that someone answered my questions from my last blog. But that is okay, I know I have a very limited crowed right now...HINT HINT PEOPLE>>>I need you to do some grass roots campaigning for me if I am ever to become famous.

Anyway let me give you an update on the last two weeks, cuz man have they been full. Lets start with work, because that is simple. I had to make another run out of state for "Chicken Flats". But this time it was not as bad, because it was not to open a new one but to do some up keep on the others. Which sometimes is quite overwhelming. See they are getting lots of visitors from all over, and they have to look their best..( plus if they do then I look pretty good myself) but I a totally not doing it for any type of self reward..or prize. ( those of you who work with me..just know that I am totally asking you to start nominating my ass for a freaking prize; but I am attempting to do it as humbly as I can.) Anyway, it was a long week but it went well and my hard work paid off I got to come home a few hours earlier then expected. It is weird how when you travel so much a few hours can fee like forever.

Now what was going on at home, the usually stuff, hubby working on the house ball games, homework and life. It was a rough week for hubby and wife. Like I said in my first few blogs, juggling and balancing is not my greatest talents, and it is over whelming trying to be the best at everything. Hell even trying to be just good at everything is exhausting. But I think the worst is when you think you are; but you really aren't. So I have decided that I need to get better at juggling and I need to do it fast. Not that everything is falling apart or anything but that I am concerned that the structure is got a few cracks. So hubby and I are working together to make sure both of us become great jugglers.

On that note pretty much summed up my week ..except I was away for my weigh in, and let me just tell you people next time I travel I am taking my own scale. Cuz the one at hotel is possessed by De'ablo himself I tell you. As if work, life, bills hadn't worn me down enough the GOD forsaken thing told me 7 times that I had gained 15 motha F*&%ing pounds. ( Go to hell Satin possessed Slot Machine!) So I ended up run every chance I got, cuz I thought OMG could I have really gained weight. I have been on a solid track of loosing weight, could this be my fall back week, my breaking moment?

So as soon as I got home I jumped on my slot machine from hell, and I looked down and I said..."Hello LOVER I have missed your sweet positive renforcement." For it said back to me is the most seductive tone a digital number could...YOU LOST WIEGHT MY PRECIOUS. I jumped off and kissed it good night. (stop judging people you know you would kiss it too)

So with my reborn excitement I went to my Fat Lazy Ass Needs To Get Off The Couch (FLANTGOTC) Meeting...okay i admit the acronym could use some work. I will take suggestions if you got them. So I jumped on the tread mill and I ran, and I ran. And for the first time every I got it...the runners high..and let me tell you it was fantastic..my mind was clear, my heart was steady, everything was moving is one fluid motion. I know I set a goal of running 5 miles and was hopeful to hit it this year..well people are you ready for this....I DID IT! FIVE FREAKING miles, and I am sure I could have gone more. Now the down fall is I don't think I can do it today. I am so sore, every muscle in my body hurts..I hurt is places where I am sure I have not had muscle since I was a kid. BUT I can always say I did it!!!

POSITIVE QUOTE FOR THIS WEEK: "You can do it Water Boy!!"

Betrayal

2011-05-08T10:20:00.000-04:00

So this week, was truly a rough week, I was feeling really good about my success and my new found commitment about staying on the wagon. However I was betrayed by my own laziness and only manage to run twice this week. It is amazing how one thing over comes another. Betrayal can be a tricky thing.

I am mean in the instant gratification of that slice of cake, or pie or extra few dollaries, really doesn't out weigh the big picture, but you find your self enjoying more because of the taboo of it. Then the guilt sets in, the realization that everything you worked so hard for even if it is just the few pounds or that "Ahhaw" moment of success is now gone.

So here is the bigger question... How do you take the power away from "betrayal" or recover from it. So I am asking all you out there...What do you do to take the power away from your vice? How do you stay on your wagon?

On the wagon

2011-05-03T12:02:00.000-04:00

So as you see from my last post I have not been that successful this past week. I was really worried about my weigh in, because I was sure I had jinxed myself. The other day; my loving and supportive husband was riding my ass about not exercising and I made the mistake of saying, "You know I am doing a lot better than you think at least I have not gained anything back!" Well this week with all the misery I was in due to spring, and really I think I was using every excuse in the book cuz I really was tired. I was sure that I would get on the slot machine form hell and it would taunt me by laughing as it said I had gained weight.

Stupid karma.

So in a last chance effort this morning I ran as hard as I could for as long as I could and then weighed in. (it was a very Biggest Looser moment) But anyway, I jumped on and to my surprise I had lost a pound and half. Not record setting but as least karma stayed away one more week. But it has made me think, I have to get back on the wagon, get back on track. I can't loose sight of my goals. Then I thought perhaps if I look at my weight as my addiction. Stay with me people, I see people on the news and all over that piss their lives away over an addiction and I wonder, why? Why can't they just make the choice to do the right thing for themselves their family and society. Perhaps, weight/food/ and laziness is my vice. Maybe if I looked at my weight as a dyer situation I would choose to work harder. Not saying in need to go to Over Eaters Anonymous or anything, but perhaps my Ass is Tired of Working So I'm Gonna Sit Here on the Freaking Couch meetings.

You know when I started this journey, it was about finding myself. Not to mention that my skinny doc said it was either loose the weight or lap band surgery. That really put a spark up my ass but then the flame burnt out. Cuz I hate to say it because it sounds so cliche, it really is a lifestyle change you have to make. So here is ...

Step One all over again: My name is Nancy and I am fat and I like to be lazy.

Freaking spring.

2011-05-02T17:37:00.000-04:00

So I have not been very sucessful this week with my exercise rotiune. Although I started the week off well, it has ended a little crappy. I love spring, I used to suffer some seasonal depression after moving to this state. The winter is so long and I swear it starts earlier and ends later every year. Global warming is a freaking joke! But the problem here is that everything turns brown early and stays that way for ever! So when spring comes I love it, green grass, blooming flowers, and all the wonderful smells. Then something weird happend...out of the blue I strarted getting allergies, and each year they get worse. My favoriate season has now become my nemisis. I can't leave the windows open at night ans enjoy the cool air, cuz by morning my freaking eyes are so swollen that they hurt to open. All day long I pop allergy meds, and antihistime drops in my eyes and I still want to rip them out of my head and rinse them in cool water and put them back in!

I HATE SPRING.

Then this weekend we had a very nice day so I spent the whole day working in the yard planting grass at my new house. Then I had to sprinkle straw all over to make sure the see did not wash away. As a sprinkled and walked the yard, my face began to swell. My eyes watered. I kept going cuz we had to get it done. I itched all over, i began popping alevert like it was candy. I must have eaten 10 before I realized that my face felt like the kid from the movie "Mask" with Cher. I spent the rest of the night inside with ice cold towels on my face and spent Sunday so miserable I think people on death row probably had a better personality.

I HATE SPRING. 50 MORE DAYS TILL SUMMER!!!

It is about time.

2011-04-26T15:22:00.000-04:00

Nine weeks in and I have to say I feel pretty good about my track record. Although I wanted to be a little further along in my loss, I believe this journey has given me a new lease on life. In the past I have managed to stick to a program a few weeks, or even a month. So the fact that I passed the two month mark is really exciting for me. I have to say my new goal of running five miles is a lot harder of a challenge than I thought it would be. Not just because of the physical part, but time and dedication has been a big struggle. Like this morning; I totally got up an hour half early so that I could run, but I laid in bed thinking of how hard it was and how it would make me late for work. When I should have just got my fat ass out of bed and did it. So now I will be stuck balancing out Mommy duties and then trying to find time to dedicate to myself. Which pretty much means my night is shot and I will have to try again tomorrow.

But I did get up and give myself enough time to weigh-in and complete my tape test. Which I know you are all on the ends of your chairs just waiting to see how I did. But before I get into that let me just say this week has been crazy and thrilling at the same time. Although I have not been forced to buy new clothes, I have noticed that buttons are no longer screaming for help, that pockets are not protruding out the side of my clothes, and you can no longer read the dates on my coins in pockets.

I was also very excited to hear from some of my friends that have been reading this telling me how I have inspired them. One is journaling her weight loss on FB. Another started her own work out routine. Even my boss is thinking of doing something. Heck just to know that people are thinking because I took the time to jot down some funny thoughts I had about myself, makes me want to work out harder. (except for this morning)

Just the other day, my husband wanted to go out for dinner cuz he won these gift certificates, to a really good restaurant. Which I totally love, cuz everything there is served super sized, and loaded with REAL BUTTER and SALT. They don't even have a salad that isn't loaded with 1000 "dollaries". Anyway I found myself choosing not to eat there because I did not want to jeopardize my success for one meal. This is coming from the person who on Nutrisystem would have murdered people for a chance to eat real cheese or a steak.    So I have to say THANK YOU!   Thank you to all of you for listening to me and taking this journey with me.

So are you ready....At 9 weeks in with the addition of my loss this week I have lost a total of 15lbs. I also have lost in the last month alone a total of SIX AND QUARTER INCHES.   (Totalling seven.... no judgement please) 6 1/4 inches in one month!!! Freaking fantastic I tell you, I an not ready to walk the Run Way, but I am sure feeling good about myself these days and can't wait to see more results.

This weeks goal:  work in some abs..I would like to see them some time soon.

Sumo

2011-04-25T15:46:00.000-04:00

Well, I am desperately trying to get caught back up. Because before you know it Tuesday will be here and I will have to weigh-in and complete the once dreaded tape test again. Which I am thinking might be a good week.

This past week was rather depressing, stuck in the house with sicko, and not loosing weight put me in a crap of a mood. So crappy that I spent much of my free time watching Lifetime. Yes a admit it. I secretly love Lifetime...although if anyone from Lifetime reads this, could you please put some movies on that empower women who didn't go through a personal tragedy, like being raped or abused by a spouse. Seriously, come on there are plenty of talented, smart women that make it that don't have to be bitch slapped a few times to realize it.

Back to my story, I watched some movie on there about this divorce' who's husband left her for some young hot thing. The main character was played by the lady who played Sara Connor on the terminator (I really suck at names). Anyway she meets this woman who teaches women how to be sexy. She is French, so she talked with a lot of z's. She says in the movie, "Zexy comez from ze inzide. You must dress zexy underneath to feel confident. Zis is way french women steal youz American's men."

So it got me to thinking, yes I dress nice but lets be honest this body has not seen lingerie in a while. So I decided to go out an by some zexy underwear, and boost my weight lose with new zex appeal. Well let me go back just a little, in my former house I did not have a full length mirror. Because really who needs one when all you have to do is look down. But in my new house a have my very own dressing room which I have placed a full length mirror in. LET ME JUST SAY EVERYONE NEEDS A FULL LENGTH MIRROR! Also it is very much like being in the 360 mirror room on what not to wear. So back to my story... I purchased some nice items, in my correct size and proceeded to wear them with a great sense of pride. Well the French lady was right, you do feel better about yourself when you indulge in a little sexy pleasure.

So the other day I was getting ready to go out when I changed in my changing room and I happen to look behind me at my full length mirror, and I thought...HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL!!! The French lady was not so right, cuz at this size my ass in a thong looks like a Sumo wrestler! Not to mention my Asian skin tone does not help. I kept staring as if it was a train wreck that I could not look away. As I spun around and looked at myself, I realized all I was missing was a hand towel hanging on the front of me and a pony tail on the top of my head. This was not "Zexy"

NEW RULE : If you weigh more than 130lbs..Stick to boy shorts!