Shady Canvas

You are the punchline

2014-01-13T14:53:00.002+05:30

Disclaimer - This post contains material which is not suitable for children, adults and old people alike (basically everyone). The subject and matter have no meaning and my desperate attempt to link it to someone's life is purely coincidental but intended. This post has all the intentions to offend the people intended and hence no apology should be expected whatsoever, including those who had the misfortune to read my last post (that is one long disclaimer). The title of this post also has no meaning and relation to the matter and is simply an attractive title to lure readers with MAGIC.

So... Are you reading Closely....!!!!

Its a daunting task to write blogs at a regular interval and maintain high standards of quality at the same time, that's why i choose to ignore both these parameters. But since you are already reading the 2nd paragraph of this post, you do expect something of your times worth so i decided to do something different with this one (Those who are still skeptical, I would suggest you reconsider reading this and get back to what you were doing).

Today we are gonna play a simple game, its called "Your Own Umbrella". Once again, i had to give some name to the game but it has no connection to how we are gonna play it. The rules of the games are simple, contrary to my previous warnings, you just have to read and follow the instructions. There is no way of cheating in this games as i have kept the rules very simple and the one and only person who can but will not cheat is me.

Now to begin the game, find a piece of blank paper and a pen and follow the instructions

1. Write down the name of 5 closest friends to you
2. Now write down the names of people who love you the most, excluding your parents as that is a given. It can be your BF/GF or other close to you (In case of multiple BF/GF please include all)
3. Lastly write down the names of people who hate you the most (Once again, can be your Ex-BF/Ex-GF)

In-case you are already feeling uncomfortable with this, you can always leave the game and get back to what you were doing. Alright now moving to step 2.

Now in the diagram above circle C represents the people who are your closest friends, B represents the people who love you the most and A represents the people who hate you the most and their corresponding intersections in yellow, pink and light blue...... why am i explaining a venn diagram. I am sure most of you understand what i am saying. your goal is to write the names from the previous steps in this diagram. Also do not forget to write names in the yellow, light blue and pink section (people who love you and hate you, people who are your friends and love you and people who are your friends and hate you).

Now the final step, it may be challenging but the main objective of this game all along is to find the name of that one person who falls in the white category of the diagram. The one person who is your best friend, who loves you the most and also hate you the most. You can only win the game if you can find that one name.

Please hold your horses as its not over yet. I don't intend to let my readers go till the end. Those who could not find a name, its clear that you have lost the game. And those who did manage to find the name, congratulations... you also have lost the game. But I will be very clear, i have not cheated here, and all the rules were mentioned above. There are no hidden rule, only the hidden name and that one name exists for each and every person playing the game.

Alright, the trail of bread-crumbs ends here, now its time for some gyaan. If you decide to read further , there will be no turning back as you have to accept you lost.

Before i explain the outcome of the game, i think its time to explain the game. Every magic trick consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge". The magician shows you something ordinary: A deck of cards or simply a game with a list. He shows you the game, perhaps even ask you to inspect it to see if indeed it is simple.... but of course it probably isn't.

The second act is called "The Turn". The magician takes the ordinary something and makes it do something extraordinary. Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it, because of course you're not really looking. You don't really want to know, you want to be fooled. But making something disappear isn't enough; you have to bring it back. That's why every magic trick has a third act, the part we call "The prestige"

Now getting back to the game, the answer was in the blog all along and i did leave a trial of bread-crumbs for you to follow. The name of the person in the white block is "YOU". The title of the blog, The first picture pointing at you and the name of the game were clues enough for the answer (Your Own Umbrella abbreviates to "YOU"), after-all the game was about you and this last final act was my "prestige".

The name of the game has some meaning to it as your social life is like an umbrella where you are always at the center. So it is very important to maintain the critical balance of loving yourself and hating yourself. Increase or decrease either of those and you will start facing problems from everyone around you including yourself and the umbrella will fall. Remember, to screw up something very good, you have to be very good at screwing things up.

All things said and done, all those smart-ass people who figured out it was 'you' all along, I will ask you once again....... Were you ....reading.... closely...!!!!

Why So Serious...!!!

2014-01-02T16:38:00.000+05:30

For a long time people have been asking me (at-least those who still read my blog) why do i always write something comical and never something too serious. Many of them (okay only one or two maybe) even asked me to write something deep, meaningful and with substance. My reply to all this is that i don't understand deep & meaningful and my definition of substance is not at all aligned with the normal belief. I don't believe in highlighting the problems of the world where people say they are suffering and the world is at the brink of chaos because majority of the people in the society are already aware of it, they simply choose to ignore it. I have accepted the fact that we are part of an ignorant society where we see through the window of benefits, every decision is calculated financially, every relation is based on mutual benefits and every outcome based on profit and loss is painted in the picture of greater good.

In today's world, outcome is calculated on a metric system and the whole society runs to drive and improve this system. Our Idea of raising awareness has turned us into a social media manic thriving on likes and accolades. we believe that providing the 'likes' and 'approval' fulfills our social obligations and grants us the right to infinite criticism. The result is that we are slowly loosing the qualitative aspect of humanity.

In the politically heated situation of the country, i am not going to write or comment anything. This is not because i am afraid to share my political opinion. Its because we live in an era of misinterpretation, where some smart-ass person will derive some deep-interlinked connection of my appreciation for a particular political faction, thereby further interpreting my secular nature and will somehow proclaim this article as an anger management issue with a young individual. He may be right in some minor extent about my anger, though i am not angry, i am a little annoyed. But To all those who by this time believe that i have a pessimistic view of the society are highly mistaken and to this 'smart-ass' person, i would like to reply that i write everything based on scientific facts and not my emotions (most of the time)

The reality is that had there been any severe problems with humanity, the society as we know it would have already collapsed. What i point out is simply a magnified view of the small flaws generated over time. The nature of flaws is that they somehow get rectified once they have been identified. We simply have to improve ourselves in identifying them. Remember the part where i told that the society is aware of its flaws but chooses to ignore, we simply have to change ourselves not to ignore and appreciate the fact that we are aware of it.

So answering to the original question, I purposefully wrote this article without jokes as i wanted to show the readers what it means to take the bitter pill and why I stick to comedy. its not because its entertaining, its because i like to sugarcoat my true meanings. And I use the only medicine left which is free and unadulterated, laughter (maybe i use a little adulterated version). The desire to write comedy is not driven by any social obligation or my contribution to the society or to make someone laugh. Its a simple man's need to have a hobby and deliver on it to give some internal satisfaction (the internal satisfaction is definitely driven by public appreciation). However I do not thrive on positive criticism but like all mediocre writers, i do get sad on negative ones. So please do not ask me again to write something meaningful and deep. I do not possess the intellectual power or the philosophical depth to go deep and conjure an orchestra of words which are difficult to find in the dictionary and convey an idea which portrays the truth of the society while hiding in the shadows of beautiful phrases.

Like all people the only thing which i possess is the right to write what i like (as long as it is withing the acceptable limits of the society, cross that and the society will shove the right in my a##) and i swear to god, even the congress party cannot take it away from me (There, i gave a political statement, now judge me all you want, i simply cannot tolerate the idea of a PM who has a emotional maturity of a 15 year old and a political maturity of a 3 year old)

The Second Wife

2013-10-23T15:18:00.004+05:30

Disclaimer - This is the culmination of the experience and struggle of all other people who have directly or indirectly contributed to this post.

This post is dedicated to the all wives who do not realize that their working husbands have an office affair. I am not talking about the secretaries or office sweethearts. I am talking about something that all working men & women love, hate and ultimately have to live with..... MS Office.

Most of you will be thinking that this is a far fetched analogy and is a desperate attempt to write just another post. The answer is yes and yes, but if you read this, i am sure you have a life altering perspective change.

MS office 4 key applications which represent the 4 moods of a wife - 1). Word - Speaking a lot, 2). Powerpoint - Expressing a lot 3). Excell - Budget & money Spending & 4). Outlook - Delivering Bad news.

Apart from this, there are a few properties which will justify the analogy.

1. Office is very complicated and difficult to operate.
2. Remembers and records everything you type/say
3. Generates error at the most critical point.
4. Comes with all new tools when bought new, but gets outdated within a few years.
5. One licence works only on one laptop.
6. Capable of doing extensive amount of work
7. Very expensive to update and Maintain
8. Consumes all the memory when open.
9. Loses all data & logic when system crashes.
10. It is fun to use Unlicensed and pirated copies, until you are caught.
11. Lastly, someone else's Presentation is always better than yours.

All this said and done, the motive of this post is not to annoy or make someone angry (maybe a little bit) but to bring a fun element out of the most boring & important tool. All those who had a perspective change and believe i delivered on my promise, i would like to say "I told you so". Others who thought this was a waste of time, well what did you expect from a free blog - Go back to work.

P.S - If you read this during office hours while avoiding work, you are already cheating on your 2nd wife.

Its not just a title - Its a story

2013-10-05T16:21:00.001+05:30

"Thank you for flying our shitty airline, we hope you enjoyed the non existent service and the garbage food we provided. We value your feedback, please provide us with new ideas to make your journey as uncomfortable as possible. Enjoy your stay in Hong Kong"

I was half asleep and hallucinating through half of the announcement but i am pretty sure that's what they would have said if they valued truth, but i was wide awake when the pilot said "we are having some problem in navigating the aircraft, it will take some time for us to reach that terminal." This was the welcome for my first international trip.

The purpose of the visit is not important, lets juts say 4 people (2 guys and 2 girls) went out on a journey full of adventure and mystery, in a land far far away...Sounds like a plot for a movie... no there was no action, romance or drama involved (maybe a little drama was there , but we will get to that later). As the story goes, we guys were on the foreign land for the first time and so it was the moral obligation of the girls to guide us in every step and explain us details, basically treat us like the idiots we are. When you enter China, you get to learn the primitive and prehistoric ways of communication - The Sign Language, and over a period of time, you can even tell when the security guard at the airport is mocking you with universal gestures.

The first 5 days of the trip in Chengdu are classified information (company policy) and cannot be revealed knowingly or unknowingly so I will focus on the remaining 3 days. Just like they would say in a movie, 5 days later we were back in Hong Kong, with hopes and dreams in a magical comfortable hotel with beautiful...... shit..... i cant joke about the hotel, it was a mockery in the name of luxury. Lets just say that anybody can develop claustrophobia in those rooms we stayed.

The room reminds me that i forgot to tell you all about the superhero with us. Its said that with 'great power comes great responsibility' and it was her power to observe flaws and her responsibility to write feedback, but even she could not save us from those rooms. In her defense, the service in china was really pathetic. Even the great hotels have paid wifi, I know free will is a political issue in china but i did not know free wifi was a part of it. Having said all of this, it was still fun being outside India. After having the night tour of Hong Kong and visiting Disneyland the next day, we all went to Macau for the climax of the trip.

The last part of Macau i will end with a small poem -

"Imagine a land where dreams come true, 4 friends decide to go with nothing to do,
They roam the streets with extreme bad luck , trying to recover the lost chip or two,
and when the manage to win a few, They go all-In like blind bankers do
Having no remorse of losing a few, The trip ended like half hearted goodbye's do.
With the hope of going next year too, in a different land with dreams anew. "

x----------x-----------x

P.S - Any imitation, mockery or jokes were unintentional too, any offended can write me in lines of few.
I will try to analyse what i can do, which basically means the post will remain unmodified too.
To the people mentioned I thank you, for making my first international trip a dream come true.

I am Sorry BROTHER

2012-08-23T05:49:00.001+05:30

"Someone told me that professors are not so complicated, they are driven by the motive of Salary and the will to share knowledge. But there are some professors whom no one can fully understand, they just want to see the students burn."

To tell the truth, I have been waiting to see a very good professor for a long time and God has had a funny way of answering my prayers in reverse. There are a bunch of new professors in the campus and all of them stand out from the others in one way or the other but one prof in particular deserves the title of worst nightmare. He has made it a constant struggle for everyone to attend his classes and he tolerates no bullshit from anyone. Grade loss is a future everyone see's and the campus has become like Gotham city which everyone likes to terrorize.

This is one professor whom i respect and fear at the same time. Whenever he comes near me in the class, I feel him saying "When your Grades are like ashes, you have my permission to die."

Its takes huge skill for a professor to not only threaten the students with the fear of being thrown out, but to constantly innovate in terror and make them suffer. Sitting in the library with 600 pages of hell has become a common task for those like me who were unaware with the "pleasures of reading cases". The worst part of this is when the other professors try to imitate these philosophies and end up like those fake Chinese products which you can neither love or hate but have to live with.

Darwin and the almighty God have proposed a common philosophy, "if you cant win with the enemy, make him your friend" but they failed to mention how to win from a professor who by far transcends all the level of complexity and terror.

His Last laugh

2012-01-19T04:07:00.000+05:30

24 subjects, 7 months, I body and a very tired soul and yet there are the simple things and people which you find during the course of your MBA degree that make you believe, you are not the only tortured one.

Those who believe that they have seen everything in their 22 years of life are really mistaken. God never intended one person to experience everything and that's why man introduced the MBA degree, a degree which teaches you nothing but makes you see everything. And the things you see beat every Greek and Latin Mythology. There are people you get to see who have traits which are uncommon to the common man. Some can surprise you with their drinking capability while some others develop new capabilities when they are drunk. some people are too static to move while there are samples who don't know the meaning of static. Its the people with split personality that i find very amusing and you get to see a lot of them in a B-school but that is for some another time.

Now its a well know fact that after the age of 18, a girl gets a magic formula to save money, its called boys. And yet no one dares to speak who is behind the unsuccessful man. This gender is behind more than 80% flow of money in the world economy, and people are still unable to figure out what caused the 2008 recession. My explanation of the Euro debt crisis is simple, too many white men were hustled by their girlfriends at the same time. The US did its biggest mistake when they elected a black president instead of a women president. Hilary would have found ways to bring all the dollars to their country (No racism or gender biased intended... well i take my words back about the gender biased). This is what happens in a B-school, you start looking at things from a different point of view.

The practical jokes of the almighty does not end there, as he runs out of ways to amuse himself, he sends people on earth with a distorted personality. This is the case generally with guys (yes i intend to target both the genders today). You get to see guys who have a twisted moral fiber to begin with, there are forgers who are ready to forge their ID card to give their girlfriends a free access to the college gate, there are guys who have their eyes on more than 44 girls at a time and there are guys who just cant stop talking about their endeavors with different girls. If you don't find all this amusing, all the above mentioned traits are of a single guy whose name i cannot take.

This is the beauty of the life in a B-school where your tortured soul enjoys these small facts and plays along with the practical jokes of God, after all in our torment lies his last laugh.

P.S - No girl is supposed to be offended by this, all the traits mentioned in this blog are not purely fictional and are inspired from real characters in my college.

Anna - The 'Fast' and the 'Furious'

2011-08-28T19:34:00.000+05:30

"Because he's the hero India deserves, but not the one it needs right now".... The Mark Knight (Me)

Anna - Man

CON-Gress (Evil Inside)

"BY THE POWER OF LOKPAL.....

I HAVE THE POWER"

V/S

And it finally ends with a glass of coconut water, some honey and a broken government.

Whenever I used to watch batman movies, my mind always wondered if one man can do so much with just gadgets. Apparently you can do much more without them. The Dark knight and the furious crowd of our country has broken the great 126 year old congress party in just 12 days. In Congress's defense, it has just 30 odd years of corruption history. After all it was the congress party which was the birth place of satyagrah and fasting. So all i can say to them is that what goes around comes around, in their case twice in the same year.

I am not a fan of either of them but i feel great when someone kicks the government where it hurts the most, the thing which they hide but we know its there, the thing which we all know as corruption. I actually sympathies with our PM, after all he's just a Personal Messenger of the Gandhi Family, sorry correction, Vinci Family. Lets be honest, there are hardly any Gandhi left in our country and also their Indian Passports supports my claim. The PM should have gone to Canada (or Kanneda as they say) when he had the opportunity during his early years (Every Punjabi gets it).

The government thinks that it can take a breath of relief since the fast is over, a common mistake the joker made. The Anna-Man never retires, just comes back when requires, will never kill you but put you in a worse situation. His next target - the Election Procedure of India. All this might lead people to believe that i support him, the answer is NO. That's the reason i call him The Dark Knight, because i don't approve his methods but admire the intentions and i will just repeat what i previously said, i really like when someone hits the government where it really hurts.

And a warning of caution to Anna all those who are celebrating already, don't count your chickens before they are hatched or you will have to pay a heavy BILL for it. Because the People in the Government will continue to say that........

Trust them at your own risk

Panic Switch

2011-08-21T19:04:00.000+05:30

"Pressure is the force per unit area applied in a direction perpendicular to the surface of an object."

The above line is a deceptive one being taught to us since the golden childhood days and this is what we call the engineers definition. The moment you ask a manager to give an honest definition of pressure, this is how he will respond,

"Its the perceived panic which is derived from a false notion of motivation where there is guaranteed promotion if you involve innovation."

The most difficult part in the b-school is transforming from one thinking to another in this tenure of 2 years, and the most ironic part is that we learn to reduce this pressure by bearing more and more of it. Consider a normal week of a student. He believes that after wreaking his brain for 5 days, he will have 2 days to savor a peaceful weekend, but as they say, its a dog eat dog world and the dream of this "perceived" peace takes a leap from fact to fiction. This is probably the biggest lesson one has to learn in management which can transform him completely. The ability to bite back and say "you want me to do this, i'll do double of what you have said." (I am aware that its one thing to say it and another thing to do it but to be honest, i needed a global line here which is universally acceptable so i wrote it.)

There are unfortunately some people who fail to do so and in such a situation, they press the panic button of their life. This outcome also has two kinds of results,positive is that you can become a famous personality by being unique, the negative requires no mention and i'll leave it to your wild imagination.

The best way to live in this pressure is to adapt and accept, this will automatically improve the delivery.

I am also trying to adapt and keep my blog more professional from now cos someone once asked me if i can be serious atleast once in my life. This is the one time i have tried and half of the joker inside me just died, i am just wondering if i can bear another loss....!!!

3:56 AM

2011-07-06T01:55:00.000+05:30

"Sweet dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree, travel the world and 7 seas, everybody is looking for something."

This is how I feel when I study till late night, or call it early morning. 3 shots of coffee can take you anywhere for 2 hour, then there is a price to be paid. Its called MRP, the Maximum Ragadne ka Potential. I always tend to start my studies after dinner, ironically that's the time I feel the most sleepy, but in our economy donkey's are never allowed to sleep. So just like any other person, I try to fry my brains wit hall kinds of books. The purpose is just to inflate the figures on the mark-sheet and prove that I am the biggest ass**** in the class, but I never succeed. The title always goes to people who actually belong to this category. the purpose of this post is not to point them out but to become one of them, just like they say, "if you cant beat them join them".

There are a few things I have learnt in the first few weeks of my management education. One of them is that Charles Darwin was right in his laws and the biggest tool for this survival is to become nocturnal. There are only two viable options for this life, either you become alcoholic, or you become insane like me and start writing blogs at the middle of the night. Yet nobody tells the tale of this night life in a management institute so I decided to scribble down this life in "IMT resort of Nightcraft and Managery".

1:30 AM, its when the mind starts playing tricks, books become your worst nightmare, and every subtle thing becomes the worst distraction. That too when you are 2 shots down (I am talking about coffee, no need for wild imagination). After 15 minutes of struggle you cant take it any more and the pursuit of happiness begins. The salvation lies in that 3rd shot, the last bridge between sanity and sleep, but coffee can take you only to a certain extent and you still have piles of material to digest. At this point you can only survive by waking that engineer inside you (Not to be judgemental but there is a reason that engineers are good at management).

All this suffering in just 2 weeks of college life, and all I managed to do was to touch the threshold of 3:56 AM, beyond that I loose the perception of reality and it beats any other alcoholic experience.

P.S. - Someone please take a note to wake me up for the morning class as i have lost the will to wakeup myself.

Wake Up Again and Run

2011-06-28T20:11:00.000+05:30

God is a child who is playing with an Anthill and never gets bored. One such Anthill where I have decided to spend two years of my life is called IMT Ghaziabad. In the 2 days and 17 hours, the very first lesson I have learnt is Darwin’s theory of ‘survival of the fittest’ is most applicable in any Management Institute. The transition from a student to a corporate employee is an evolutionary process. I was strangely unaware of how the reverse process would affect me. After working for 2 years in telecom, coming back to a student’s life is a cake with a salty taste and this journey of 2 years is the baking process. Now let me step away from this philosophical comparison to a more realistic approach.

The first few days in the college were very exciting and nostalgic at the same time. The excitement was about the new college but the nostalgia was for the old one. The striking similarities and differences between them were the first thing I noticed but later realised that the comparison is irrelevant. The Orientation program for our batch began today on 21^stJune and made us realise the importance of it. Imagine a huge book which is the database of Knowledge about Management and somehow you don’t have an index page or an appendix page for it. That’s how helpless a person will feel for the next 2 years if he misses out on this Orientation. The vision and goal somehow made me feel that I have come with the right expectations and the college will try to provide the resources necessary for fulfilling my requirements but the harvesting has to be done by me. I’ll have to reap what I sow but I don’t want to elaborate on it as we all are aware of this fact: each one of us is here to excel.

I think I should cover all the aspect and the most important of all is the “Papi Pet”. That’s the reason why we all the running the rat race in the first place. The queue in the mess hall reminded me of Dadar Station in Mumbai. The initial chaos was mostly due to the presence of parents. Later on, the process of gathering food for the papi pet became a smooth process in the mess.

The outcome of this two year journey lies unknown in the future. I would like to end with a famous dialogue from a very famous Aamir khan movie, “Run after Excellence, Success Jhak maar ke aayegi.” However I would just say what his ‘bhanja’ is promoting recently, for these 2 years “Bhag Bhag D.K.Bose…”

The Prodigy Misconception.

2011-04-08T15:29:00.000+05:30

When we are young, and I mean really young, not the time when we are in high-school or college goofing around, we are often considered stupid. The reason for such consideration is still a mystery but one possible reason is that all those mythological stories got to our heads. It’s the best weapon parents had against us, fear of a divine entity to be instilled in us from the start. I am not saying it’s a bad thing, I am still afraid of God and it has its own benefits. But God is not the only problem we have. I am talking of the smaller divine entities like ghosts, spirits and the bloody haunted house (which if not real has often been a huge inspiration for making money in Hollywood). The reason why people think it works on kids is that they truly believe that kids are idiots. Well, let me prove it to you otherwise.

You see, like all you out there, I too had an evil brother. He had a head start of 5 and half years to me and trust me he utilized it to the fullest. He used his wicked mind to scare an innocent (At that age everyone is innocent so no need to frown at the statement) child like me in all sorts of ways, and if his mind failed him, he had his superior muscle powers at his disposal. There is nothing to sympathies here; I am in no way saying that my childhood was a disaster, but probably his childhood was (Don’t get surprised, I was not that innocent).

Now coming back to the ghost entities I mentioned earlier. A child no matter how smart or cunning is always a child and the only edge his brother/Sister can have on him are these small divine entities (You must be wondering why I call them divine all the time, well I don’t worship these ghosts, I just want to end up like all those idiots in the horror movies). Every one experiences a time in their life when they are scared of these ghosts and to make the matter worse, your sibling advertises their cause. Sometimes he may even pretend to be in direct communication with them. Now a child is aware that none of this is real but somewhere deep inside, he does not want to take chances. This is the only thing that beats the child prodigy, rest of the time he is the real puppet master.

I am not writing this to talk about me or write my glorious autobiography but all I am trying to do is make a general statement. Children are thought to be stupid, which according to me is the biggest misconception the elders have. Children are smart, and I am not saying ABCD smart, I am saying that they are really smart and are aware of the fact that they are branded stupid in the name of innocence.

There is a reason why I call them the puppet master, let me explain in detail (come on you have read so much, you are already half mad. Now take a leap of faith and complete the journey of insanity). Mothers consider their small children special. It’s what I call the “Golden Egg” period. This lies for about the first 10-12 years of our life. During this time “all is forgiven”, no matter what you do, how you do it, you’re an angel from heaven, the golden hatch-ling. You can even kiss the neighbors daughter and they’ll find it cute, your mother will even start planning your wedding. And repeat the mistake after 5-7 years and you’ll learn for a fact that there is actually a shortage of hospital beds in our country. Your mother will be cursing the almighty god for what you have turned out to be (and you really thought she was planning your wedding). But I don’t want to jump the wagon here; we are still discussing the Golden Egg phase. A smart child is aware of this disguise in a blessing and if he has the slightest cunningness which I had, he can fool his parents for the next 10 years without losing the comfort of the childhood.

Let me start off with an example. You are 6 years old, you have an elder brother and you ‘accidently’ burned his favorite pants (Before you try to do this, make sure you have at least one of your parents within 50m). Now your brother is all rage and unlucky to find something to hit you so he turns to his instincts. This is the critical bit and requires perfect timing, as soon as he makes the first move, shout as loud as you can and make sure one of your parents rush in to save you. Then its pure chess, he straight away complains to your mother/father that you burned his precious pants. If your mother (assume it’s a mother in this case) looks at you with an angry look, all you have to do is make The famous puppy dog face and say that you saw your brothers wet pants lying around, you wanted to make them dry for his special party so you decided to iron them. Then you realized that there was still a princess to be saved in the Mario world and so the pants had to be ‘accidently sacrificed’ for the noble cause. There is also a critical bit of information, make sure you make your mother realize indirectly that it was her responsibility to keep you away from the dangerous Iron. Then you simply walk off unharmed with the satisfaction of sweet revenge. Now if you fumble in convincing them, the worst you can get away is with a small lecture about the dangers of using iron but the shine of the golden egg will save you from most of it.

Now you might wonder if there are any such 6 years old who actually do that. Well all I am saying is that we are a population of 1.2 billion and with that figures even the law of probability is in the favor of my statement. Now some people will be pointing towards me in direct accusation of being insane. There is a famous quote from a very famous comedy show where the character Sheldon Cooper keeps on saying “I am not mad, my mother had me tested”. Unfortunately I cannot say the same thing for myself as I have no proof of my sanity, but all I can say is I am capable of much more than just burning clothes.

********

This is just the 1st chapter of the Actual CRAP I am writing. If anyone thinks I should stop, please make a comment about it and I'll make sure your pants are the next thing on fire. Trust me, I have that power (I have 666 etched at the back of my head). More to come soon.

Mein Aur Meri Sites

2010-04-17T18:45:00.000+05:30

This time i am going to try something real different, and that too in Hindi.

This "kavita" is based on a real life and a very recent experience of mine. This is my first and a real bad attempt at poetry and this one is based on my life in the telecom field. Anyways, here it goes.....

"Mein Aur meri sites aksar ye baatein kartein hain,
Agar tum chalti rehti, to mein chain se sota
Agar tum down na hoti, to mein itna na rota,

Aisa kya gila hai tumhe humse, Jo mere chain chura rakha hai,
Jo kaam kisi ki biwi karti hai, tumne apna bana rakha hai,
Har gali mein tum hi tum nazar aati ho,
Roz sapno mein satana bhi apna kaam bana rakha hai.

Mein Aur meri sites aksar ye baatein kartein hain,
Aisa bhi kya pyaar mujhse jo har waqt apne pass bulati ho,
Dar dar sadko ki thokare khato hoon tumhare liye phir bhi,
Tum apne nakhro se baaz nahin aati ho.

Jo tum jaagti rehti ho to mein chain se sota hoon,
Jo tum soti ho to mein majboori mein rota hoon,
Ab itni bedardi bhi acchi nahin,
Tum akeli nahin jiske attyachar mein sehta hoon.

Kehne ko to mein tum sab ka maalik hoon lekin
Tum sab ne apna ghulaam bana rakha hai,
Kehne ko to tum sab logon ke dil jodti ho,
Par roj meri neend todtna bhi apna kaam bana rakha hai

Mein Aur meri sites aksar ye baatein karti hai.
Agar mein BSS mein na hota, na ye sites hoti,
na ye blog itna bhara hota ,na ye kavita hoti.
Aur na mein aur meri sites baatein kartein

P.S - Do leave comments and ignore the bad poetry cos as said before, my first attempt at poetry.

One Missed Call.....That cant be Missed

2010-03-27T23:27:00.000+05:30

Tring....Tring, I wake up from a sound sleep and pick up my phone. I look at the clock, it says 2:30 am, and below that a name keeps on flashing.....GNOC (Global Nonsense and Overrated Center).

Every night I have the same feeling when I answer that call, "This is what hell might feel like when I go there", but before the full realization reaches the conscious part of my brain in the morning, the bloody thing rings again. This time the clock shows a different time and a different name....CTL (Collective Trouble Creator). He just asks me a 2 word question "Outage report?", for which I have to reply in 2 million words for 1 hour. This is how my "Good morning" starts everyday. Now use your imagination power and think how my "Bad morning" would start.

No points for guessing that the rest of my day is also filled with phone calls from all around the state and country (For those who are confused, I forgot to tell you, I am not doing a job of a call boy or something. I simply happen to be in the Telecom sector which helps others doing this business). The real game starts when I reach my office, because that's when my mind is kicked like a football from one phone call to another and i don't even get a halftime break.

When I was in college, i hardly used to get 10-15 call a day, but here in my field, i get around 100-240 call a day and there is always someone on the other side of the phone who robs the remaining peace of life. The worst part is that i cannot explain in words what happens if i miss a single call somehow. When I come back to my home at night, I simply start praying to god saying "Sare din hum....Mar Mar ke jee liye, ek pal to ab mujhe sone do....sone do."

So many calls create a phobia inside one's mind. My heart skips a beat whenever my phone rings, cos deep inside I know that either there is trouble or there is going to be. Sometimes I wish I had a magic lamp like Aladdin so that i could ask for 3 wishes, and the first would be to get rid of my phone...(I am not sharing the other 2 wishes). But life has its own rules and you have to play all the games according to it. Some great personality once said "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going". I guess his dictionary had a different meaning of tough, according to me it should be "When the going gets like Telecom, only the BSS gets going".

P.S. - All the above abbreviations are meant to be understood by people from Telecom field, I request other people not to waste their precious time in finding their full form.

A Letter to GOD.....still Undelivered

2010-03-21T23:51:00.000+05:30

Dear/Respected/Fearful/Almighty........ God,

I know there is no point in writing this letter as nothing is ever hidden from you, but there is one thing i have learned in corporate life, keep a written record of everything. So here is my application for your official use.

You are already aware of situation of this world you have created. We all know that you have a great sense of humor, but somehow most of us tired of your practical jokes. So i would like you to swipe your magic wand or whatever you use to free this world from these miseries. Also help out my boss in this case, it'll help me a lot.

Enough about me, now I'll switch to some social service. I have a lot to complain about how you have made this world but i guess i am million years too late to do so. Still, I'll list them anyways. I have a problem with a few things you created, one of them is we humans call it "Luck". Personally i am fed up with the Son of a Bi#%$ (pardon my language). Somehow he never sticks with me but i am not going to talk only about me here. Almost everyone in this world runs after, begs for it, but that bitch just keeps playing with us and sometimes or the other, we all end up saying WTF. This bloody luck can sometimes make an idiot the president of country like USA, and sometimes it can make a really talented and intelligent person a simple BSS engineer.

Another one of your creation which has troubled me is what we call "Confusion". This one is my personal enemy i guess but I'll concentrate on the social aspect in this letter. It's one of the major reason for the current situation of this world. Mankind is so much troubled by this confusion the we always try to avoid it. Confusion at the wrong time can and u can end up with the wrong person/job (or both) for the rest of your life. The only kinds of idiots who like and create confusion are called politicians, and you know how much we all love our politicians.

The last thing i am going complain about is "Satisfaction". I don't know if you did create it cos i am somehow unable to find it, if its there do tell me.

There are many more things to complain about, but I'll do it some other time.

Yours idiotic

Varun Singh

P.S- I also forgot to complain about my 2 friends you forcefully took up there, please do take care of them.
x-------------------------------------------x

The letter was written at one of the most saddest moment of my life, so please forgive me if anyone finds it offensive.

My life..... A Tragic Film Full Of Songs...

2010-02-27T19:44:00.000+05:30

This one is again dedicated to all the BSS engineers/soldiers. What can i do, we deserve all these dedications.

Unpredictability is the only predictable thing in one's life, especially in the life of a BSS engineer. Earlier, in my college days my life was similar to just one song "Masti....mast mast masti". But we all know that life changes faster than we say WTF. So that song is history..... Now my life has become a collection of filmy songs full of drama, tragedy, suspense, thriller and horror (sadly no romance) and these songs have become a part of my daily routine.

My morning begins with a bang, just like "Wake Up SID" (to tell the truth even at some nights this is the case....sometimes a man has to face night-shifts no matter how much he hates them) then i get ready as fast as i can to reach the office and it somehow reminds me of "Dauda Dauda Bhaga Bhaga Sa". After all the tussle, i reach the office late as usual. There is a mystery which i still have to figure out, I don't know why my boss is there so early in the office (Only people with terrible married life do that. Hope his wife starts treating him well). My morning in the office begins by reporting to my Boss. In front of him i have to act like "Azzemo Shan Shehenshah" just to make sure my neck is safe.

Just when i start enjoying the comfort of my office and the free coffee which comes as a privilege, my senior engineer comes and says that we have to go for site visits on field......in short..."Chal Chal Sadko Pe Hogi Dhan Tan".....and the only thought that comes in my mind is "Kaminey" (I am not referring to the movie of the song here....its the Senior Engg i am describing). To tell the truth, field is not that boring...but sometimes you have to visit a site which makes you feel...."Ye kahan Aa Gaye Hum" and reminds you that this is what hell might look like (Cos i have very high chances of ending up there).

Only the three magical words help me survive all this torture (No...i am not talking about "I Love You"...already said that there is no romance)....they are "All Izz well". I end up saying this at-least a thousand times before i come back to the rabbit hole (that's my office.....believe me, you don't know how deep this rabbit hole goes). When i return from the field, my boss.....oh i forgot, i had named him Voldemort.....is there waiting for me. I look at the clock and it shows 7 PM, and then i look at Voldemort, sitting in his comfortable chair with no plans of going home before 8 (....Damn his pathetic wife....). At 7:30 i take all the courage i have and go to him to say very politely "Jaane De Jaane De Mujhe Jaana Hai", to which he politely replies "Abhi Na Jao Chod Ke....Ke Dil abhi bhara nahin" (Believe me, he is really not satisfied until he has screwed each and every employee....not literally.....just a figure of speech).

In short my life has become a tragic movie which is full of boring songs (and we all know how these movies make us feel) with only one happy song which i get to sing at the 25th of every month..."Paisa Ye Paisa...Nahin Koi Aisa". But every sad story has a happy ending................."Aur Picture Abhi Baaki Hai Mere Dost"

P.S - Do comment.....so that i know that people atleast read my blog.

Not Funny Anymore.....

2010-02-24T20:44:00.000+05:30

This one is dedicated to all those brave soldiers in BSS who risk their life everyday on field just to make sure that people keep talking..........

This time i'll justify the title and wont keep this post funny because that's what my life has become. People think that life in Telecom is fun and adventurous......well i have an answer for them..... i also used to live in the same delusional world until my boss said to me "wake up NEO....wake up.... welcome to the real world". Believe me, you don't want a glimpse of this world. It's full of miseries and pain.....i know i am exaggerating it....but what the hell...its my blog.....but to be fair...its nothing less than a war everyday.

Each day i leave my room fully equipped with my laptop, my login cables and all the necessary equipments, just like a soldier who goes to war.... at my check post.... the NSN office. There sits my Boss....lets call him Voldemort (if have any other bad name...do suggest)....who instructs me on my daily routine. Well the daily routine is quite manageable....its just 10-12 hrs task daily....the real trouble is the add-on that comes with the routine. This bloody add-on task can take you 107km from the place with a deadline of 3 hrs to complete the task or sometimes just 1 km away for a task which require 8 hrs (and don't forget the daily routine... So let me just brief you with the daily routine.......well its not a mount breaking task...its just that i have to manage 225 sites that cover half the city....a piece of cake if you ask me). After doing all that tiring work, when u get back to the office, you have voldemort waiting for you(everyone know what Bosses are good at so i wont stretch on this point).

This was about the work which i daily do....so you might be wondering why i crying so much....this much work is everywhere....wait....did i tell you that a BSS engineer does not get holiday on Saturday and Sunday.....hmm must have slipped my mind....OH and no holiday on Holi day...ironic isn't it.

So this basically this gives the detail about my life and why its not funny anymore.......hmm....on the contrary.....after writing all this non-sense, now i feel that its actually very funny......Sometimes one should learn to laugh when the joke is on him.....i think i have learned my lesson. From now, i'll laugh at every joke that destiny has in store for me.

Engineering Equations

2009-05-06T13:19:00.000+05:30

I know that the previous post was supposed to be the last one but somehow i could not resist writing this one. This will be a small one...

The Time of Graduation is near and as an Engineer i have solved many equations in my life. Last night when i was working on my project, something unexpected occured to me while solving the equations, how can one define his life in form of equations. After a lot of derivation and carefull approximations i have derived the Equation of my 4 years of college life.

B-Tech=lim_┬_(n→∞)(1+1/n)^n)(Fun)+ 47(Exam results)+sin(No of Girlfriends) + Friends)

The various Parameter Used In these Equations are Given as

No of Girlfriend=∑ⁿ_i=0no of Girls suitable for you = 0 (in my case)

this value can be different for different people.

Exam result = (your preparation)*(preparation of person in ur front)²- (Strictness of Invigilator)*(1/luck)

this equation is generally the same for everyone

Friends = ∮(no of good people inbatch)+(ppl in 1st yr and 2nd yr DISCO)

this equation is only for me.

Fun =∑ⁿ_j=0(no of classes bunked)*(no of Hours spent in canteen)÷(your CGPA)

the lower your CGPA, the more fun u have had

there are some other parameter but i have neglected them (thats what engineer do)

The Derivation is based on my experience in the past 4 years. It can change from person to person but most of the parameters will be same.

P.S - Do not try to simulate these equation in C or In Matlab. It will give same error " CRC data error, the results are not desirable, please Redo B-tech"

Do's and Don'ts For Final Year Dummies

2009-04-15T19:50:00.000+05:30

I am back one again and this is my second last post for my college friends. The last one will come on 24th april.

As we all know that there are hardly 10 days left before we leave this college and I personally want to make the best of it. But i am not selfish, I am giving up my secret mantra for enjoyment. Here is a list of do's and don'ts for those final year dummies who do not know what to do how to enjoy theircollege life in these last 10 days.

1. Don't study too hard for the exams (come on...you have already given 42 big ones, nothings gonna change with these 5).

2. Don't give up flirting for these last 10 days (i know the bad luck has lasted for 4 years but luck can change.......dont give up hope).

3. Do something different like making the GYM Instructor(male) fall in love with you(male).(believe me this has already happened with one of my batchmate).

4. Don't make a fool of yourself by getting caught in the last days and paying fine of Rs 2000 for things you have not even done.

5. Don't work too hard for your project.(thats what project partners are meant to do).

6. Do keep the font size and margin of your seminar report according to guidelines (You dont want to be detained for that).

And last but not the least

7. Don't worry about your call letter, it'll definetly come (I hope).

If you follow this rule I personally guarentee you that you will never forget htese last 10 days your entire life

Varun Singh

P.S - The success rate of my guarentee is only 38.3%

10 Commandments For SVNIT’ians

2009-02-26T23:47:00.000+05:30

Only two months left before we final year ppl say goodbye to our college. Before I leave this college I would like to give a set of guidelines to others so that they enjoy their college life and don’t face the same problems that me or my friends faced (joking I am not a saint who gives free advices)...... frankly telling, Last night God came into my dreams and gave me a job to deliver his “10 Commandments For SVNIT’ians”….. so it’s the only reason I am listing them…. They are…

1. Thou shall bunk the classes regularly.

2. Thou shall not steal (another’s Girlfriend).

3. Thou shall not make a fake profile.

4. Thou shall also not fall in love with a fake profile and be fooled for a year.

5. Thou shall make fun of their friends and their Girlfriends regularly.

6. Thou shall not sit in the front seat of the rikshaw letting the other guy sit at the back with two girls.

7. Thou shall not be involved in Ragging of their batchmates & get expelled to staff quarters.

8. Thou shall not be a fool to go for three dates, buy T-shirts and dark fantasy, and have no outcome.

9. Thou shall not be a part of a love Quadrilateral (or a pentagon).

10. Thou shall not act or think like a Gujju.

If you follow these simple guidelines than I don’t think you will have any problems in your college life….. and if any of my batchmates are offended by this…. Then it means I have done a good job.