The Foreign Wife

Dean & Deluca

2012-10-10T02:40:00.003-04:00

A very well-lit Dean & Deluca. That's ^ Miss Lee looking bored.

In a moment of total weakness I broke down and took everyone, including Miss Lee to Dean & Deluca. Remarkably, there are two Dean & Deluca stores in Bangkok. As you can imagine, the food there is very expensive. I needed a break from pad thai and I was willing to pay big baht to eat panini, fettucini, crostini - actually any food that ended with "ini" instead of "gai." My turkey panini was nauseatingly expensive, but I knew it would be worth every bite.

I had just begun eating when I noticed a man on a motorcycle, pull up onto the sidewalk. He entered Dean & Deluca, with a large, clear bag, the size of a Hefty garbage bag, full of a variety of breads. He walked straight back behind the counter and into the kitchen. He came back out of the kitchen in minutes and stood at the end counter, obviously waiting for payment.

Curiosity got the better of me and I said, "Lee, go over to that guy, and ask him where he came from? Where did he get all of that bread?" Lee looked really confused. I expained my plan to her in 'Lee speak'. I said, "If he brings bread here, cheap, little money, I want bread from him, cheap, little money, not there (I gestured to the counter) so much money." Then I rolled my eyes and grimaced, as if, paying for the expensive bread was physically painful, to make sure she understood. She said, "Kah, kah, kah" and jumped up presumably to go talk to the bread the guy. But when she got to the end of the counter, she just stood there, like she was waiting for a bus, or loitering outside of 7-Eleven. Eventually, she started talking to the bread guy and after he was paid (in cash by the way) he followed her back to our table. He gave me his business card and said "delivery, everything, all places." I didn't need the delivery man, I needed the bread source.

Doesn't that look delicious? Presentation is everything...

I located the Dean & Deluca employee that seemed most likely to be in charge. I asked her where she got the bread. She said that the delivery guy brings the bread from a nearby grocery store. I asked her which store and she gave me the name, address and directions. Even though it was pouring rain outside, I was determined to find that store. I was on a mission to find cheap bread. Why would I pay $10.00 for a panini when I can go to the store across the street and get it for $2.00?

I now know why they needed the delivery guy; he's probably the only person that knows how to get from the grocery store to Dean & Deluca. The grocery store was not easy to find. It was across a major thouroughfare, down a side street, down an alley, through a small mall, and off the back alley of the mall. I'm not kidding.

Miss Lee leads the way. Sure hope she knows where she's going.

Notice in the image above, that Lee, the babysitter, is walking ahead, with no knowledge of the children's whereabouts. Katrina, in her transparent poncho, is walking in the wrong direction. Who knows where Timmy is? Suffice to say, he's still here, so we didn't lose him that day.

Pros: elaborate pipe system. Cons: no bakery case.

We did locate the grocery store. It looked and smelled a little different than Dean & Deluca. I took a picture because I thought that would really be the easiest way to depict the many differences between the two stores and the one similarity (both stores sell food).

I concluded that Joel Dean and Giorgio Deluca might not know about the unusual supply chain at the Bangkok store. I took it upon myself to inform them via the feedback form on the Dean & Deluca website. Here is the feedback I submitted:

Dear Joel and Giorgio;

I know from your website that you created Dean & Deluca to "offer customers a sumptuous celebration of food and a venue to experience all of the pleasures that cooking and eating can bring." I currently live in Bangkok and recently had occassion to eat in your "enchanted emporium." It was indeed enchanted.

I thought you might want to know that the bakery items are being delivered in a garbage bag, by a very friendly (but smelly) young man, who arrived on a motorcycle from a nearby grocery store. At my request, the D&D store manager (she was really helpful) gave me directions to the grocery store. It is not an enchanted emporium. The venue is not a sumptuous celebration of food. However, they do sell a wide variety of fruits and vegetables, most of which I couldn't identify. The bread that's available at D&D is also for sale, but, it's a fraction of the price and it's not in an appealing bakery case. I scouted all around that grocery store and I saw no evidence of ovens, mixers, bakers - anything that would lead a person to believe that bread was being preared on the premises. I'm so curious to know where the bread is coming from? How many garbage bags, motorcycles and delivery guys are needed to get the bread from the oven, to it's final destination in the attractive bakery case at D&D?

I would super-sleuth all of this out myself, except that I am American, and don't speak Thai, so I stick out like a sore thumb. I took photos of D&D and the bread-supplying grocery store because I found the bakery and store dichotomy so fascinating. Sadly, I was unable to submit attachments in the feedback form.

I used to go to a really good Italian restaurant in Boston. The chef was a mom with twin babies, so she made the pasta at home during the day and snuck it in through the back door before they opened. I wonder if the bread is like that? Maybe some Thai woman with a bunch of babies is baking bread in her kitchen at 4:00 in the morning in preparation for the lunch rush at Dean & Deluca? Anyway, perhaps it would be better if the delivery guy came in through the back door before the store opened. Just a thought. If you find out who's baking the bread, please let me know. I'm really curious.
Sincerely, Virginia
click here to see website for Dean & Deluca Enchanted Emporium
(Did you click on that link? What's up with that chef and the goofy grin? I bet he's really annoyed that they used that photo.)

The Circus at the Bangkok Zoo

2012-10-01T09:31:00.001-04:00

Zebra eating bread that Miss Lee threw at giraffes' head

I'm not a big fan of zoos. But the Bangkok zoo is a 'must see' attraction because it's really more of an outdoor park for people and wild animals. I took Timmy, Katrina and Miss Lee to the zoo. I've checked 'Safari' off my bucket list because we had direct access to animals that most people never see, even on a safari. We saw animals from every continent and I'd say we covered 4 of the African 'big 5' in one afternoon.

There were many food stalls and some sold loaves of bread. I assumed that the bread was available for tourists to have a picnic by the lake. No, the fresh bread was for the animals. I don't think Miss Lee has ever been to a zoo. Certainly no one ever told her "Don't feed the animals." She literally ran for the bread and her first stop was the water enclosure.

Komodo Dragon on raft, surveying the buffet

The 'water enclosure' housed the komodo dragons, (also known as the komodo monitor lizard) and prehistoric fish. So we're all clear, 'water enclosure' as defined at the Bangkok zoo, is a small lake where zoo goers can rent paddle boats to get as close as humanly possible to the water creatures.

Years ago, I saw 13 komodo monitor lizards behind my hotel on Kho Phgan Ngan island. They ranged in size from 2 feet to 8 feet. They are huge and appear to be massive, slow, dumb, super-sized geckos. At the time, I thought they ate flies and ferns.

Since then, I learned that the komodo monitor lizard is venomous and has 60 serrated teeth. They are able to sprint at 12 mph and dive 15 ft under water. The komodo monitor lizard isn't picky and eats just about anything, lizards, snakes and even smaller Komodo dragons. Other menu items include birds, monkeys, goats, horses, water buffalo, and humans (all of which are readily available at zoos).
I used the axiomatic method to devise the following Euclidean proof to determine the relative danger of the Komodo Dragon:
Carnivore + (Massive body x Pea Sized Brain) = Certain Death for Victim

Here is a video of tourists in a paddle boat in the 'water enclosure' with the komodo dragons. I was hoping the people in the paddle boat were security. Nope, those people paid to slowly paddle around murky water filled with large, venomous lizards.

Frankly, the venomous Komodo Dragons weren't the worst creatures in that water. What was worse, simply because it was so icky, was the albino, prehistoric, bottom dwelling, tuna fish.

What are those things? One of the fish had things growing out of its face. It was horrible.

I was so totally disgusted, I made Miss Lee move on to the next exhibit. The giraffes and zebras were in the next enclosure and we quickly became the exhibit. A group of children, presumably on a field trip, stopped and took pictures of us. Miss Lee began throwing large pieces of her bread at the Giraffe's head. I couldn't get her to stop. Her aim was terrible. She missed the giraffe altogether. Finally, I picked some grass, and held out my hand and the giraffe gently bent his head over, stuck out his tongue and took the grass. Miss Lee went wild. I then explained that giraffe are herbivores and don't eat bread. Then I went on to explain, that wild animals, should never be fed, even in the zoo. She pulled out more bread (how much did she buy?) and gave some to Timmy and Katrina and encouraged them both to climb the fence around the giraffe and zebras. You can hear her in the video saying "good boy" to Timmy. My babysitter, is encouraging my son, to climb over a fence into a cage with wild animals.

It didn't stop there. The guy that's in charge of the hippopotamus enclosure, came over and gave Timmy and Katrina bananas and taro root so that they could feed the hippopotamus. A group of people gathered around and took pictures of my kids feeding the hippopotamus.

We had a great day at the zoo. I have many more photos. I have a picture of a sun bear that looks like I was only three feet away - because I was three feet away. I have an awesome shot of a meerkat. But how can a meerkat possibly compare to a picture of a seal from four inches away? Yes, we pet the seals.

It was a bit of a circus the day we went to the zoo. But I suspect the Bangkok zoo is like that every day.

Miss Lee saw me naked.

2012-09-28T02:26:00.000-04:00

Review and contemplate the diagram below. This is the layout of the kitchen, master bathroom and balcony. Can you identify the major, fundamental, design flaw?

Diagram

You are correct! As depicted in the photo below, a person standing in the kitchen, can look out the kitchen window and see a person through the bathroom window. In this image, Timmy has taken the extra step of going outside to the "balcony." This step is not necessary. Regardless of whether the lights are on, or off, the person in the bathroom is clearly visible from the kitchen.

Not so secret spy

After I stepped out of the shower and reached for a towel by the bathtub, I looked up, naked as a jaybird, only to see Miss Lee, on the other side of the kitchen window, staring back at me. Excellent.

His expression indicates I am clearly visible

I simply pretended that I didn't see Miss Lee. I decided in my mind, that the windows are special one-way windows and therefore, I could see her, but she couldn't see me. Then, because I knew that she really could see me, I hid in the bedroom for a long time. I locked the bedroom door and yelled out, "I'm working, and then I'm taking a nap." My laptop was not in the bedroom with me, but Miss Lee is not exactly a brain trust so I doubt she realized that I couldn't work without it.

Balcony / Outdoor hallway to exposed area with railing

Here's the balcony. It's cozy. The narrow hallway leads to a space exposed to the elements. Note the laundry in the lower left corner of the picture. Who's laundry is that? It isn't drying. We are in monsoon season. It's getting wet every afternoon from the rain. Is it Miss Lee's underwear and pants? Why are her clothes hanging out to not-dry on our not-balcony? If they aren't Miss Lee's clothes, than I really think that the woman who owns these pants and underwear needs to come get them.

I need a nanny

2012-09-28T01:01:00.000-04:00

One of the most appealing aspects of my life in Hong Kong was having a full time, live-in, domestic helper. It is very common in Hong Kong. When I lived in Hong Kong I didn't know anyone who didn't have a domestic helper. I assumed that this lifestyle was also common in Bangkok. You know what they say, "when you assume, you make 'A Silly Simpleton of U and ME'." OK that's not really what they say. What they really say is "when you assume, you make an 'ASS of U and ME'." I was trying to come up with something PG Rated because "ass" is a bad word.

Anyway, I was very excited at the prospect of having affordable full-time babysitting. Help with cleaning and laundry would be a bonus. When we arrived, finding a domestic helper was my first objective, even before unpacking. I determined that:

PROBLEM
1) We need a babysitter
2) It is much harder to get a babysitter than I realized because:

Thai women don't like to 'nanny'. I don't know if they don't like to nanny for foreigners specifically, or they don't like to nanny in general.
Everyone here is Thai

Undeterred by this speed bump, I was convinced that in a country with such considerable poverty, there must be at least one woman that would be willing to babysit my children. I realize now, that my theory was seriously flawed. But, to be fair, moving to a foreign country is not simple and sometimes I concoct plans that are not thoroughly analyzed or rigorously tested.

ISSUE
The Thai women that are willing to nanny are from 'up country'. These are women from tribes in northernn Thailand. Tribal people and aren't Thai citizens. They speak a different language and cannot understand Thai. There are many tribes in the mountains of northern Thailand. They don't have refrigerators, ovens, washing machines, cars, etc. Their understanding of childcare is very different than even the average Thai family here in Bangkok, much less the average western family.

Again, to be fair, I had no idea that the women that are willing to nanny are from tribes that don't wear 'clothes' as we know them.

STRATEGY FOR PROBLEM (but not for the ISSUE because I didn't know about it at the time)
1) I called an agency and said that we would pay a monthly rate, so that she would have a steady salary even if there were days when we didn't need a babysitter.

ANOTHER ISSUE
The agencies aren't reliable and do send tribal women. The agencies will also send women that have second jobs as 'dancers' (involving a pole). Apparently the nanny has to pay the agency a fee when they are hired.

SOLUTION
The agency sent Miss Lee. We set her interview up in the evening so that the kids could meet her. She seemed perfectly nice and everyone liked her. She said "I can do the cooking, the cleaning, I know the babies, I do everything." Then she gestured to the our dinner still on the table and said "I can cook everything." Looking back, I realize that a ten minute interview is not enough when hiring full time help. Also, I probably should have looked at her resume or reviewed her references. Here is a photo of Miss Lee

Miss Lee

I wasn't surprised during the interview to find that Miss Lee was very difficult to understand. We had the same experience in Hong Kong. English is taught in the schools here, but the students don't have a lot of opportunity to practice. And more often than not, the teachers themselves, are Thai and have never been to an English speaking country. I believed that her language issues could be overcome. After I determined that she was a strong candidate and that we would likely hire her, I carefully enunciated my name for her and I introduced her to the children:

Me: "My name is Virginia Russell"
Miss Lee: "Huuhheeenia Rooosselll"
Me: "uh, well that's not really it. I think it might be hard for you to say?"
Miss Lee: "I call you Madame." That sounded fine to me.
Me: "This is Timmy"
Miss Lee: "Timmeeeee"
Me: "Timmy can you say "Hello" to Miss Lee?"
Timmy: "Hello Miss Lee"
Miss Lee: "Helloh Timmeeee, Sawasdee Kah"
Timmy: "Why is she saying my name like that?"
Me: "She speaks thai, and you will need to help her with her english. You may need to help her say your name. Maybe you can learn some thai from her?"
Timmy: "I don't want to do that." (I ignore all of this, hoping she didn't understand what he said).
Me: "This is Katrina"
Miss Lee: "Kasseeeenah"
Me: "No, it's Katrina"
Miss Lee: "Treeeenaaaah"
Me: "OK, Call her Kat"
Miss Lee: "Gahhfeeld!"
Me: "Garfield? You mean Garfield that cat? The cat in the cartooon?"
Miss Lee: "Ya, Ya, Ya, Ya, Gahhfeeld!"
Katrina: "My name is Katrina," said in a total state of confusion, surprise and consternation. You can call me "Kat."
Miss Lee: "Yes, Yes, like cat! You cat! Ok Gahhhfeeeld! I call you Gahhhfeeeld," said with glee.
Katrina: "I'm not Garfield." Looking at me, "Does she think my name is Garfield?"
Me: "It's ok Katrina, I'll explain it to her later."
Tim: "So you have worked with children before? You like children?"
Miss Lee: "Yes, I like. The baybees. I thaburie nara nar rah non tah baybeees. And I chit plun kop kah kah kah Always, yes, kah, sam, sip, sum, kah kop kah."
Tim: "OK, sounds great."

After she left, I asked Tim, "Did you understand what she said?" "Not a word"

We hired Miss Lee.

Thailand Taxi Warnings

2012-09-18T10:54:00.001-04:00

In the taxis in Thailand, there is a sticker on the passenger's window. The sticker shows images of things restricted in the taxi. It is the same concept as a sign you might see at a park or beach. Of course the kids immediately wanted to know what the images were meant to depict.

No gymnastics allowed in Thailand Taxis

This is a list of my explanations from left to right:

1) No oxen or yak
2) No guns or large steak knives
3) No gymnastics or exercising
4) No big dogs
5) No drinking
6) No durian fruit
7) No smoking

I'm sure that I got #7 correct.

By the way, there is also a sign in the MRT station that says durian fruit is not allowed. Durian fruit has an overwhelmingly bad odor. If you can't bring it on the subway and you can't take it in a taxi, how do you get it home if you don't live close to the fruit market?

Ayutthaya

2012-09-17T13:30:00.000-04:00

Buddha Statue(s), so many to choose from

Whomever did the transliteration of the Thai language had absolutely no command of the English language. For example, how do you think you pronounce "Ayutthaya?" In Thai, it's pronounced, "Ah-you-tee-ah." When you read the word "Ayutthaya," do you hear that sound in your head? The sound my head hears is, "A-yut-thay-a." We decided to go to Ayutthaya, a city in northern Thailand, and not surprisingly, we had a very difficult time communicating our intended destination.

Ayutthaya has the same type of ruins found in Cambodia at Angkor Wat. I know nothing about Angkor Wat, other than that it is an important ruin, and Angelina Jolie made Tomb Raider there. I decided that if Ayutthaya has important, Tomb Raider ruins, then obviously, we needed to go. I made that decision about one hour before we left. Consequently, we didn't do much planning.

We arrived at the train station only to find that all of the trains going to Ayutthaya for the rest of the day were second or third class trains only. It wasn't just that there were no first class seats available, there were no first class trains - at all - the whole rest of the day. Tim and I immediately agreed that we should skip the train and take a taxi. The kids were crushed, they were so excited to take the train. I gestured to all of the passengers waiting for trains and said, "Katrina, if we sit in second class, we will have to sit right next to all of these people." Considering every country in the United Nations was well represented in the train station, I thought my point was blatantly clear. Katrina said "So what?" I said, "Katrina, honey, I did this after college. I carried a backpack and took 2nd class trains and I thought it was cool. Now, I'm older, and I don't think it's cool anymore, I just think it smells bad. When you are over 21, you can ride any train you want." Katrina said, "Mom, you don't have to act 42, just because you are 42, you can still be as young as college people." I said, "You are making a very compelling point, nevertheless, I don't want to sit in between the smell of curry, red chili, durian and tamarind. Also, I believe in the importance of bathing, and regular hygiene, and some of the people here adhere to a different code of cleanliness." I thought my speech tied up any loose ends regarding the train versus taxi discussion.

Both kids vehemently disagreed with me and complained bitterly. Katrina pulled out her trump card, "I'll get car sick" and flat out refused to get in a taxi. Tim agreed with me and he went to negotiate with a taxi driver. I took the kids into the train station convenience store. First, a man walked in with a ski mask on. It covered his entire face so that only his eyes were visible. I grabbed both kids and recoiled in fear. Maybe he was going to pull out a gun and rob the store, or perhaps he was a terrorist? He wandered over to the drinks, got an orange Fanta soda, then he walked by and said something to us. Then, he paid and left - in a ski mask - in 90 degree heat. Next, a man that looked exactly like a Thai version of an Oompaloompa came up and started talking to Timmy and patting Timmy's cheek. This is a perfect example of why I didn't want to buy a ticket on a third class train.

The most memorable part of our trip to Ayutthaya, a world heritage and UNESCO site, was the one hour taxi ride. It should have taken over an hour, maybe even two hours, but we took the expressway and I think there must not be a speed limit. Or maybe the taxi had a jet engine. I sat in the back, with the kids, without seat belts, while Tim sat in the front, gripping his seat. We sped past the other cars, sometimes in a lane, sometimes not. Timmy loved it and said he felt like he was on a roller coaster. I felt like I was on a roller coaster too, but not the fun roller coaster that Timmy was on. I felt like I was on a wooden roller coaster, that was built in 1903, with faulty brakes and no seat belts. I was distracting the kids with an a capella performance of the musical, "The Sound of Music." I knew Tim was genuinely concerned because he never tried to stop me from singing. My favorite part of the taxi ride was when we stopped to get gas, and drove up the highway exit ramp, the wrong way, into oncoming traffic.

When we arrived at Wat Monkhol, in Ayutthaya, Tim hugged us all and quietly said he was grateful that we were all OK. Then, he paid the taxi driver and told him he could go back to Bangkok. The driver spoke almost no English and I'm sure he was thoroughly confused and wondered how we would get back.

Possibly Wat Monkhol, I'm not 100% on that, could be a monastery

When we got there Timmy asked, "Are we in Thailand?" I don't know how many times I will have to explain to him that we are in Thailand, all the time, every day, all day long, even when we sleep.

I explained to the kids that Ayutthaya was once the capital of Thailand. Now, all that is left, is ancient ruins of the great palace, monasteries and Buddhist temples. I had done almost four minutes of research on Ayutthaya and that's three minutes more than Tim had done. When we arrived, we had no idea what we were looking at, and I don't read Thai. Timmy's questions are unavoidable so I had no choice but to fill in the historical blanks. Since I really don't know Thai history, there were a lot of blanks to fill. My version of Ayutthaya's history, heritage and landmarks is fascinating. I told Timmy that the movie "Indiana Jones" was based on Ayutthaya. I also told him that there was treasure buried in the temples/shrines/palaces (slightly true) and that although much of the treasure was stolen by Burmese thieves, there was still treasure hidden within the ruins. I threw in a Burmese King, some monks, elephants and the Emerald Buddha; it was a very interesting tour of the Ayutthaya Wats.

In Thailand, it is very important that you never point at an image of the Buddha, or show the bottom of your feet to the Buddha and you must always be lower than the Buddha's head. As we approached the first statue, Timmy pointed to the Buddha and said, "Is that the statue we're not supposed to point to?"

What's it made of?

During the Burma/Siam wars, the Burmese army came in to Ayutthaya on elephants, (true) and destroyed many Buddha statues in the monasteries. The head from one of the statues, fell to the bottom of a tree and is now encased in the roots. Timmy and Katrina remembered that we needed to stay below the Buddha's head and insisted that we squat down, in front of the Buddha head encased in the roots. When the other tourists didn't also squat down on the ground, Katrina loudly said, "They are being very rude and very disrepectful, they are too high! They have to get down! I'm going to tell them." I had to physically restrain her from repreimanding the other tourists.

Stuck in a Jam

The only safe option home was the train - the same train that had no first class seats. We took a taxi to the train station and bought second class seats. As we waited, it just so happened that a Buddhist monk sat on the bench next to us. This wouldn't have been a big deal, except that I had included the Buddhist monks in my version of Ayutthaya history. This monk had glasses, shoes, a wallet, money and an iphone. In my version, the monks didn't have anything but the orange outfit and the rope belt, no shoes and definitely no money. I could see the questions bubbling behind Timmy's eyes. He pointed at the monk and said, "Is he going on the train? Is he allowed to do that? How is he going to do that? How is he going to buy a ticket? Where did he get the money? Does he have underwear on? Where does he keep his wallet? Does he have pockets in there? Why does he need glasses? Where did he get the glasses? Did someone give him the glasses? Why is he wearing socks if he has on flip flops? To be fair, I had many of the same questions, beginning with the underwear.

When we got on the train, the monk sat directly behind Timmy. ooops

The train wasn't that bad. It took forever and stopped in random places for a long time for no apparent reason.

When we got off the train Timmy asked "Are we in Thailand now?"

Monastery where treasure is buried

Satan's Spicy Soup

2012-09-10T05:31:00.000-04:00

It was dark outside when we landed in Bangkok and I had lost all sense of time. It could have been 8:00pm or 3:00am. The airport was so busy it looked like it was 5:00pm. When we finally arrived at our apartment building, it was 1:00am.

Regardless of the hour, it felt like it was time for a meal. We were starving and our food options in the middle of the night were limited. The only thing that was open was 7Eleven. The only thing that looked appetizing in the Bangkok, 7Eleven at 1:30am was noodles. I chose what I believed to be the most bland, 'safest' flavor of noodles. See photo below. The packaging clearly said "rice vermicelli noodles in clear broth."

I think it was mistranslated or simply missing some key descriptive adjectives, because it was actually rice vermicelli noodles in hot sauce from hell. My stomach will never be the same.

Satan's Spicy Soup

What's wrong with this picture?

2012-09-07T10:49:00.004-04:00

I'm 'home schooling' my children in Bangkok (to be covered later). We do a worksheet during Timmy's lesson, where he is supposed to circle the things that are 'wrong' in the picture. For example, one picture had a fish in a bed. Another picture showed a bird's nest in a bathtub. Timmy did an excellent job. He circled all of the wrong things correctly.

I have created an adult version of "What's Wrong with this Picture?" Look at the photo below and see if you can find something that is out of place:

I know the answer: Tim isn't wearing his Delta Employee Security Badge

You are correct! Tim should most definitely not be standing behind the Delta Ticket Counter.

Now, look at the photo below and see if you can find something 'wrong' with this picture:

I still don't understand why he couldn't upgrade our seats?

You are correct, again! Yes, that is Tim, still behind the Delta Ticket Counter in Fort Myers, where he definitely should not be.
Look! Here's Tim trying to ignore Katrina while he 'works' at the Delta Ticket Counter checking himself in for his four-flight trip to Bangkok, Thailand.

Tim was really mad in this picture

In fact, he was behind the counter so long, that three passengers requested assistance with their tickets and check-in. To be fair, he was at the 'Sky Priority' kiosk. Fortunately, Tim was able to redirect the passengers to a ticket agent employed by Delta Airlines. Now, for the real test:
If you were the President of Delta, or even the VP, or perhaps the Director of TSA, and you saw this picture, how many ticket counter agents would you fire?

A little blurry because it's hard to hold the phone still while laughing

The ticket agent wouldn't issue boarding passes to us because she said we required Visas to travel to Thailand. She said Delta would be fined if an American boarded a flight without a legitimate visa. If you are traveling to Thailand, and plan to stay more than 30 consecutive days, you need a Visa. We were flying to Thailand on August 28th and then departing for Singapore on September 9th. The ticket agent required an itinerary with a confirmed ticket departing Thailand within 30 days. We neglected to print our itinerary before arriving at the Fort Myers airport. Tim was unable to produce evidence of the departure ticket because the Ft. Myers airport WiFi access was unavailable. That's when Tim became a Delta Ticketing Agent. Unfortunately, Delta's Internet connection was down as well. With minutes to spare, Tim purchased four, one-way, fully refundable tickets from Bangkok to Singapore for $800.00 each. Yes, that's $3200.00, for 4 one-way coach class airline tickets - but we did have proof-positive that we would be leaving Thailand within 30 days.

Important Thailand Travel Notes:
1) Immigration in Thailand does not check the departure ticket/itinerary as you enter the country. This is an airline enforced rule.
2) Visas can be purchased at the immigration counter for about $35.00
3) As long as you leave within 30 days after your arrival, you don't need a Visa. As an American, conceivably you could stay in Thailand for years as long as you exited and reentered the country every 29 days.
4) In the rational world, round trip tickets from Bangkok to Singapore cost about $200.00.
5) The last time Thailand fined an American airline for visa violations was never.

Flight(s) to Bangkok

2012-09-06T02:25:00.000-04:00

The person that made our travel arrangements either hates us or doesn't have children.

The duration of our flights and total travel time was not made clear to me prior to departure. The first flight from Fort Myers, Florida to Atlanta was 2 hours. The second flight from Atlanta to Minneapolis was 3 hours. The third flight from Minneapolis to Tokyo was 11 hours until we started to travel back in time. We 'encountered a head wind' and after thirty minutes in the air, the flying time increased to 11 hours and 32 minutes. The fourth flight from Tokyo to Bangkok was 7 hours. We were in the airplane for a total of 23 hours excluding the part when we started to travel back in time. If you include the layovers, our total travel time was technically over 30 hours; mentally and emotionally it felt like three weeks.

Katrina "loved it" because she got to watch 7 movies. Timmy thought it was fun and held up his hands like he was on a roller coaster every time the plane took off or landed. He also loudly asked questions such as "Mom, if an airplane crashed into a ship, what would happen?" Or, "Mom, if the man driving the airplane crashes into another airplane, will he get a ticket from a policeman?" Or, "Mom, who can go faster, a ship, or an airplane?" Or, "Mom, which has a bigger engine, a ship or an airplane?" Or, "Mom, if the ship has a bigger engine, why can't it go faster than the airplane?" Or, "Mom, if the engine falls off, can the airplane still fly?" Or, "Mom, what if the airplane flies into another airplane? What happens? Will they crash?" I don't think the other passengers appreciated the crash-related line of questions.

Tim appeared to be moderately uncomfortable and as miserable as all of the other passengers. I spent the entire time trying to figure out what credit cards I needed to sign up for in order to get enough points to get a business class seat on the way home.

A few travel suggestions:

If you go into the Delta Sky Club, and you decide to take some of the little peanut butter, jelly and honey packets with you on the airplane, rethink your plan. If the honey breaks in your carry-on luggage, everything will be covered in honey stickiness.

If you are traveling with your spouse and children, sit in the window seat. You have to climb over the kids when you get out of your seat and it's so disruptive. It's so much more convenient for everyone, for your spouse to take them to the bathroom, get a drink of water, wander around, etc. since he is sitting in the aisle seat.

45 minutes into the flight, go to the bathroom next to the galley and tell the flight attendants who are reapplying lipstick, chatting or doing absolutely nothing, that you have so much respect for them because their job is so difficult. You will get great service after that. To be fair, their job is impossible, but it's hard to have a lot of sympathy for them when they're reading "People" magazine and eating the extra cheese plate from the empty seat in First Class.

On Flight #3 Happily 'trapped' in the Window Seat

Why can't we find a place to live in Bangkok?

2012-09-05T03:14:00.000-04:00

I know you are asking, "What's the problem? Why can't they find an apartment? How hard can it be to find a place to live?" I asked the same question. In a city with a population of 6 million people, why can't we find a place to live? After endless hours of scouring websites, relocation services, and recommendations from friends, here is a sampling of the results:

1) I really liked this accommodation, as it included toilet paper, not a toilet, but, if we found a toilet, we would have toilet paper.

Bright, sunny room, toiletries included

2) This apartment has the feel of a 'pensione' with direct access to the street life of Bangkok.

Major Curb Appeal

3) This is the view outside the bedroom window of the apartment in the photo above. I don't know who the girl in the picture is - maybe she is a guest, maybe she is the owner, or maybe she was just photoshopped into the picture?

A Room with a View

4) This is a picture of the amenities included in the rental price of the apartment above.

Telecommunications & Network Connectivity

5) Of course on the other end of the spectrum, if I had many 000,000,000.00 in my bank account, I could have had this...

Would work in a pinch

6) I could have suffered through this...

Enough space for visitors

We weren't having any success, so I joined a social property website. Property owners and renters create profiles similar to Facebook and they can add referrals to the profile. If you have many positive references people are more likely rent their apartments to you. Obviously, I didn't have any references. So, I asked a few creative friends to write a referral for me and here is what they came up with:

"I have known Virginia for more than 30 years. We have rented places together and she keeps the rental property so clean. I love renting places with her because does all the cleaning!! She is such a neat and tidy person."

The only part of that quote that is true is that my name is "Virginia." Here is another referral from one of my friends:

"I consider Virginia to be one of my most trusted friends. I have been like an aunt to her two fabulous children. I almost delivered her son, Timmy jr, when Virginia's water broke while hiking in the Colorado Mountains together. She is the only woman I would trust with my email password. I went through a tough time last year when my father passed away. Virginia was there for me and even cooked two weeks worth of food for four children and me. She is like a gift from God. Her house is always immaculate and organized and the children are always so well behaved. I wish she would write a book and give her secrets of how she manages so well! I would trust her with my life( which I have many times- especially when driving on the Autobon)."

The only part of that quote that is true, is that she has four children. Ultimately, the veracity of the referrals isn't so important. The fact is, after they were posted, renters finally started responding to my emails.

Unfortunately, the social property website proved fruitless. I began asking every person I have ever met if they knew anyone in Bangkok. Finally I struck gold; my friend's, cousin's, college, sorority sister, lives in Bangkok and she is the nicest person in Thailand. She helped us to find a furnished apartment at The Chatrium Residences in Sathorn and she helped us to negotiate an excellent rate. Here is a picture of the bedroom:

That grey chair is more comfortable than it looks

OK, so it doesn't look exactly like the picture, but we do have that grey chair and the little table. We also have the TV and the exact same phone you see here in the picture. I'm not sure I would describe it as "A Remarkable Oasis," but, I would say that's it perfect for us. The staff is very nice. They even made a cake for Timmy's birthday and sent a card from "The Chatrium Team." So, The Chatrium is our new home in Bangkok.

Bangkok - Here We Come!!! ?

2012-08-10T22:04:00.000-04:00

The countdown has begun. School starts August 20th. Timmy's birthday party is August 22nd. We leave Naples on August 25th for Bangkok, Thailand (returning November 13th).

Here's my To Do List with completion percentages.

1) Find an apartment in Bangkok 0%
2) Find a school for kids in Bangkok 0%
3) Find someone to take care of Pickles 0%
4) Find someone to watch the house 0%

The Danger of Drugs

2012-08-10T21:28:00.000-04:00

Technology has exposed a new danger related to illicit and prescription drug use. It is the danger of tweeting, texting & typing (T3) while high. In some ways, T3 is worse than a DUI because once the words are out there, they can be copied, pasted and forwarded to infinity and beyond. At least with a DUI you might be able to get your driving record cleared.

T3 is no laughing matter and if my post below, titled 'Fake Food' doesn't put the fear of god in you nothing will. I wrote that after taking 10mg of Ambien CR.

Fake Food

2012-05-26T23:48:00.001-04:00

I've eaten something that isn't food. I was eating strawberry ice cream in bed (which I'm not supposed to do because Tim gets mad when I spill it, but that happened maybe one time at the most). Ice cream should be cold and soft and I just found something in my mouth that wasn't cold or soft. It was the consisteny of sturdy construction paper. It looked a lot like a leaf from a fake plant. It looked like a small brownish/redish leaf from one of those brownish fake plants that are ugly - that make you wonder why they bothered to make that particular fake plant when there are so many pretty plants that could have been fabricated instead. Anyway, I tried to get as much of the ugly brown fake plant leaf out of my mouth as possible but I'm pretty sure I swallowed some.

I'm telling you all now because if it is from a fake plant then I will surely die from the toxic dyes and synthetic fibers used to make the fake leaf. If that happens there will be no one to hook up the Wii for the kids and no one to feed Pickles (the cat). If you don't hear from me in the next 12 hours, assume that I am dead and rescue my children - and feed the cat.

My new thing: responding to the responses

2012-05-18T22:44:00.001-04:00

My article on Fifty Shades of Grey

When Joy Behar, a host of "The View," asked President Barack Obama, "What's the controversial sex book that's on millions of womens' bedside tables?" Obama responded, "I don't know that." I was immediately reminded of President Bill Clinton's statement, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

Behar is referring of course to the now infamous, X-rated book, "Fifty Shades of Grey," by E.L. James. When people ask me if I've read it, I say, "I don't know that book and I have never read it."

Described by some as pornography, the book has revealed much about the reading interests of the American consumer since it topped the New York Times best-seller list. The story chronicles Anastasia Steele's first intimate relationship in graphic detail with her first boyfriend, Christian Grey. He demands submission from her in a bondage, discipline, sadomasochist relationship (BDSM). The entire book revolves around Steele's emotional conflict regarding Grey's BDSM demands.

The story steps into an improbable fantasy land with a window into the odd world of BDSM. Like the preposterous names of the characters in daytime drama television shows (my personal favorite is Reginald Love from the show "Another World") the main characters cheesy names, "Anastasia Steele" and "Christian Grey" suggest romance can be expected before the third chapter.

The character names aren't the only statistical improbability in the book. At age 27, Grey is a self-made zillionaire, ridiculously attractive, pilots his own helicopter, owns multiple companies and feeds the poor in Darfur.

His James Bond-like dialog includes such zingers as "The only people who use my given name are my family and a few close friends. That's the way I like it." Worthy of any casino bet, Steele's character also defies all odds. She is naïve, humble, witty, works at a hardware store, oblivious of her own beauty, a recent college graduate and a virgin. It's a wonder she has no boyfriend prior to Grey considering the number of men she must have met selling hammers and screws.

There's so much in this book of which I have no experience. For example, in Grey's fabulous apartment, prior to their first intimate encounter, Steele thinks, "In the bathroom, it's all hot and steamy. I strip off my clothes and quickly clamber into the shower, anxious to be under the cleansing stream of water. It cascades over me, and I hold up my face into the welcoming torrent." I've never clambered into a shower; bathroom tile can be very slippery when wet, definitely not conducive to clambering. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever clambered anywhere. I don't think I've ever been in a cleansing stream of cascading water. When I'm in the shower I just get wet. I have definitely not "held up my face into the welcoming torrent." I don't think a torrent of water shooting directly on my face would feel very good, and frankly, that would be a sadomasochistic deal breaker for me.

The book has been banned from many libraries across the U.S. because of its graphic sexual content. I can only imagine the liveliness of the librarians' debate when they discussed which elements of the book could be defined as pornography.

I decided to determine for myself whether or not the novel can be defined as pornography. All in the vein of journalistic integrity, I located and read some indisputably pornographic literature. In my opinion "Fifty Shades of Grey" isn't pornography mostly because I got so bored I stopped reading. Many of the intimate scenes weren't even remotely erotic. Well-written porn is a page turner. As any Hustler magazine reader will tell you, erotic smut doesn't equate to abysmal prose. I won't spoil the complicated plot of "man sweeps naïve woman off her feet and exposes her to a sexual underworld." Nor will I reveal the obvious reason people are reading the book; it is curiously erotic and simultaneously creepy.

Since it isn't available at the library, you should definitely go buy "Fifty Shades of Grey" and financially support the author, editor and publisher, who have published some poorly written sex scenes surrounded by an impossible story line.

This is a comment I got today on my article on the Fifty Shades of Grey. It is from a person with the online name 'Susan Wright'.

It’s customary to read a book before writing about it – not just skim the pages for the hot parts and then label it “smut.”

This sort of smug, above-it-all commentary just perpetuates the stereotypes about BDSM and kinky people. This writer’s attitude is why kinky people are discriminated against and persecuted every day – losing their jobs or battling for child custody because people can’t be bothered to find out that BDSM is about consenting adults.

If you actually read the book, you would see that Christian doesn’t “demand” that Ana give in to his BDSM desires. He gives her a contract – which she never signs – and the rest of the book is an extended dialogue and negotiation about what they each want from a romantic relationship.

That’s what makes this book hot. A couple talking to each other about their deepest sexual desires? That’s hot. A couple who learns how to compromise and have great sex that both of them enjoy? That’s hot.

What’s not hot is a careless blog post that reveals much more about the writer than the book she is supposedly reviewing. Oh, and this book has only been banned from 3 counties in the country, not “many.” At the very least, get your facts right.

Dear Susan Wrong;

Actually, I did read the whole book. I took some literary license there - the point being that it isn't worth reading and I lost four hours of my life reading it - which would have been better used either having sex in real life or reading some well written porn about hot kinky sex. Unfortunately that's just not what this was.

No there was no 'extended' dialog about what each wanted in a relationship. Here's what happened: she thinks he's hot so she lets him spank her - which surprisingly, she likes - then post spanking and orgasm - she feels confused, caught in the crosshairs of her physical pleasure versus her traditional expectation of an intimate relationship. So she pushes him away and then he comes back and seduces her again, rinse repeat with spanking gaining in frequency and intensity.

And Susan Wright, how do you know I'm not totally into BDSM? If I were do you really think I would print it in the NEWSPAPER!?! but here's where you are right - I'm not into BDSM. But one things for sure - now we all know you are!

http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2012/may/17/virginias-state-of-mind-fifty-shades-of-grey/

My Email Response to the Naples Daily News

2012-05-03T15:51:00.001-04:00

From: "Schlichter, Jay"
Date: May 3, 2012 9:28:40 AM EDT
To: Virginia Russell
Subject: FW: FYI, error in Virginia Russell's column on John Edwards

FYI…

From: Bowles, Vicky
Sent: Wednesday, May 02, 2012 7:34 PM
To: Schlichter, Jay
Cc: Long, Dana
Subject: FYI, error in Virginia Russell's column on John Edwards

Jay, she refers to Edwards' aide twice as John Young. His name is Andrew Young.

We fixed it for print. I didn't find the column online, but Dana is checking Ellington to see if she can catch it there.

You might consider mentioning this to Virginia. Since she regularly touches on controversial current events, she needs to be really sure she's accurate.

Thanks,

Vicky Bowles
Presentation News Editor
Naples Daily News
1100 Immokalee Road
Naples, FL 34110

From: Russell, Virginia
Sent: Thursday, May 03, 2012 3:23 PM
To: Bowles, Vicky
Cc: Long, Dana, Schlicter, Jay
Subject: Fwd: Fwd: FYI, error in Virginia Russell's column on John Edwards

Dear Vanessa,

Thank you so much for making that correction. I'm terrible with names. In fact, I recently went to the doctor because I thought I had early Alzheimer's. I do not, but the doctor did confirm that I am terrible with names. I also have a hard time at school remembering which kid goes with which parent. In uniforms the kids mostly look the same to me - except for the one boy who is exceptionally large for his age. Frankly, I think someone should speak to his parents because I think he has a 'condition' that requires medical attention.

I think I was supposed to file my 2011 taxes and I haven't done that. Can you help me? Are you responsible for the NDN Federal and state W2 submission? I thought I would be receiving a pay raise since I've been writing my column every week for over a year and I was concerned a raise would bump me up to another tax bracket. Last year I made $0.00 per column and I figured that with my $-0.00 increase I should resubmit my W2. Of course it would be most convenient if I didn't have to make any changes. The last time I filed taxes was in 2002 when I made $165,000.00. That was such a hassle. Come to think of it, I'll bet I was bad with names back then too, and my assistant, Penelope was correcting all of the inaccuracies in my Strategic Planning Documents for me. Those documents were really just a lot of graphs and bullet point lists that Polly (I think that was her nickname) neatly assembled in three ring binders to make it appear as if I was really busy and added value. Penelope had some sort of organizational manic obsessive compulsive disorder which really worked out in my favor. I've never told anyone this, but I actually encouraged it by bringing her coffee every morning that was really a double espresso. In reality I spent an inordinate amount of time at client lunches that she scheduled for me. Polly was a big help, her organizational skills really made me look good. I should have asked her to do my taxes, that would have made my life so much easier.

It's too bad you don't have someone there with OCD who could check all of the facts in the newspaper before its printed. It would make your life so much easier and avoid embarrassing errors like the one Jed Little made a few weeks ago. That was awkward.

It was great to hear from you and I'm so pleased to hear that someone at the Naples Daily News reads my column.

Virginia

The GSA's Las Vegas Clown Act

2012-04-19T08:00:00.000-04:00

With an $823,000 budget, who in their right mind would hire a clown as entertainment - in Las Vegas?

John Neely, Regional Administrator for the General Services Administration, was responsible for a 300 person conference in October, 2010 at the Las Vegas, M Resort, that included a clown (not Neely) as entertainment.

Amidst great controversy, many GSA leaders including Neely, have resigned or been terminated and are now under congressional investigation for excessive spending and questionable business practices.

I would have fired Neely for overall incompetence based upon his inability to demonstrate simple party planning skills. Clearly anyone who thinks it’s a good idea to hire a clown in Las Vegas, a city famous for its variety of entertainment, is completely inept in any position. Perhaps Neely made an informed decision and a clown act, widely recognized as entertainment for young children at birthday parties was the appropriate entertainment for the GSA employees. Another performer, a mind reader earned every penny of his $3200 price tag. Imagine the challenge he faced as he scanned the audience and attempted to read the minds of the GSA employees.

At a cost of $75,000, GSA employees participated in a team building exercise requiring groups to build bicycles. The bicycles were then donated to the Boys and Girls Club. The bicycle parts couldn’t possibly have cost $75,000. However, the excessive team building price tag was obviously consumed by the enormous task of developing bicycle assembly directions for employees with such intellectual 'limitations'. In addition to the congressional investigation, I believe the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission should be contacted regarding GSA-produced bicycles; I’m genuinely concerned for the safety of the children at the Boys and Girls Club.

The Las Vegas conference expenses included $6,325 spent on commemorative conference coins presented in velvet boxes as a memento to all participants. To be clear, unless I misunderstand the definition of “commemorative coin,” $21.08 was spent per person to fabricate valueless currency for the sole purpose of annotating a conference memory. Commemorative coins are the adult version of the ‘Team Participation’ award that five year olds get when they play on their first soccer team. $8,130 was also spent on yearbook style albums given to all conference participants as a souvenir of the conference/vacation. What occasion would incite someone to pull out their commemorative coin memento and souvenir yearbook to reminisce over their five day conference?

According to auditors, prior to the conference, GSA employees flew to Las Vegas on two "scouting" trips, conducted five off-site planning meetings and performed a "dry run" at the M Resort three days before the event. Never mind the excessive $100,405 travel related expenses, who would be stupid enough to admit on an expense report that they needed a dry run to announce a clown and distribute commemorative coins?

Most GSA employees that attended the conference are likely trying to hide in a hole reminiscent of Saddam Hussein. Unfortunately, anonymity is not an option for conference goers. In addition to testimonies and emails, images have now been made public including a photo of John Neely in a bathtub with a glass of wine and a video of an employee performing a dance, while dressed as the 1990's green clay humanoid character from “The Gumby Show.”

Normally I would say that the GSA conference defined the term “boondoggle” or “junket.” However, the food which included a "pasta reception station" and the relatively low bar bill (as compared to the high cost of the fake coins and dubious bicycles) all sound so lame, the terms boondoggle and junket simply don’t apply. If I had been in charge of an $823,000 conference budget boondoggle, you can be sure it would have been worthy of termination and all evidence, including photos and videos would have been destroyed. Taxpayers would have been shocked, dismayed and upset that they hadn't been invited. I'm upset that GSA employees don't even know how to effectively or offensively party with my tax dollars.

Forget the GSA for a minute. It took taxpayers two seconds to recognize that the conference cost was inappropriately excessive and borderline illegal. Why did it take congress two years to figure out that the GSA required investigation and reprimand?

According to their web site, the GSA is holding a conference April 26th in Washington DC and the topic is "Suspension & Debarment: Demystifying the Process & Values-Based Ethics." I don’t think there’s any great mystery here – ethics are inherently values-based and people get suspended when they do something they shouldn’t do – like spend $823,000 on a conference.

If teaching by example, then there's no group more qualified to offer training on demystifying the process of suspension and debarment than the GSA.

http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2012/apr/18/virginias-state-mind-gsas-vegas-clown-act/

Virginia's State of Mind: George Will on Drugs

2012-04-18T19:17:00.000-04:00

Why is it that the people who didn’t inhale are considered to be more qualified?

George Will has been vocal on the topic of drug legalization and recently wrote an article debating the merits of drug legalization in the Washington Post. Will shadows his ignorance of illicit drugs with an age old writer’s jedi mind trick: if a multitude of obscure polysyllabic words and complex sentence structures are used in an article, the reader will assume that the author is intelligent and therefore must be correct. In this instance however, no amount of jedi skills could mask the fact that Will just doesn’t know a whole lot about drugs, which would be good, if he weren’t writing about drugs.

Using a hypothetical example Will said “So, suppose cocaine or heroin were legalized and marketed as cigarettes and alcohol are…That would be a public health disaster.” Either Will has chosen a hypothetical argument for the sole purpose of titillating his readers or he truly has no understanding of illegal drug use. Does anyone think it’s a good idea to legalize heroin?

To be clear, the suggestion here is not a statement that drugs should or should not be legalized. The suggestion is a demand that if the American drug policy is going to be discussed in a broad public forum, let’s do it intelligently and make sure that knowledgeable individuals have all of the facts in order to make informed decisions.

If you were going to start an orange juice company, would you hire a management team that didn’t drink juice of any kind and in fact had never even seen an orange tree? I suspect Will has never tried heroin nor would he recognize a poppy plant if it were growing in his backyard. In the public discussion of drug legalization why isn’t one person included who has direct experience with illegal drugs? There are many fully functioning recovered addicts successfully contributing to society. Their brain might be a little fried, but at the very least you could be sure that a recovered cocaine addict would have an experienced opinion.

In his article Will says, “because the costs of prohibition…are staggeringly high, some people say, “Let’s just try legalization for a while.” Who are the “some people” Will is referencing? By chance, is their last name “Escobar?”

Will broadly addresses legalization of all illegal drugs. He has lumped marijuana with cocaine, and heroin effectively grouping all illicit street drugs. Illegal drugs aren’t created equal. Legalization may be a realistic option for marijuana but not for cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine, etc. Marijuana can and should be categorized differently because it’s impossible to overdose on marijuana, it isn’t chemically addicting and tolerance doesn’t change over time – users don’t require more marijuana to get the same experience unlike cocaine or heroin.

The obvious implications of legalizing marijuana have been published by both university and government studies. It’s commonly known that the major public benefit of legalized marijuana is financial. However factors besides the tax revenue haven’t been considered. The increase in the level of happiness among the general population produced by widespread marijuana use has not been measured. The consequential impact to secondary markets, such as brownie mix manufacturers has also not been analyzed. Of course, there might also be a sharp decline in adult team sports such as league soccer.

According to Will there is potential that, “Legalization of cocaine and heroin would cut their prices…and using high excise taxes to maintain cocaine and heroin prices at current levels would produce widespread tax evasion – and an illegal market.” The potential illegal market fueled by tax evasion (think Al Capone) should be the least of Will’s concerns. To date the illegal drug industry has by definition been managed by criminals. In addition to a deep knowledge of illicit drugs, these criminals have exhibited ruthless business acumen and an adept ability to skirt law enforcement agencies. Will and his political analyst debate buddies have much greater issues to contend with than tax evasion.

An industry that grosses big money is an industry that wields enormous power in D.C. Here’s a thought: if drugs such as cocaine are legalized, the drug manufacturing ‘companies’ will form an association (that’s the legal term for cartel). The drug business is incredibly lucrative and the drug association will have a river of money to hire lobbyists that will visit every senator in D.C. It won’t take long for the drug association lobbyists to help the D.C. senators, political analysts and George Will understand that if the government wants to get tax revenue from legal, clean cocaine, the government won’t also have the luxury of solely setting up the sales and distribution ground rules.

My favorite line in Will’s article is his conclusion that, “Furthermore, legalization would mean drugs of reliable quality would be conveniently available from clean stores for customers not risking the stigma of breaking the law in furtive transactions with unsavory people.’ Here’s my question for Will, if drugs are legalized, will the “unsavory” people that were previously selling illegal drugs now become savory people selling legal drugs? And, if Will starts smoking pot will he lighten up and eat brownies?

by, Virginia Will Russell (read that twice)

http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2012/apr/12/virginias-state-of-mind-why-is-it-that-the-who/

Queen wants to be a Queen without initiation

2012-03-29T12:01:00.000-04:00

Life as a female has its ups and downs. Sure, the ups are wonderful, but I'm here to tell you as an authoritative source, the downs can hit rock bottom. Women are involuntarily initiated into the female club at birth. The estrogen downs smack us in the face before we can even drive a car.

Hazed by our own hormones, our teenage years are consumed by acne and tears. Tormented by an extra X chromosome, we're forced to face the challenges of menstruation, mascara and menopause. Who in their right mind would voluntarily join this club?

Jenna Talackova is one woman who seems to relish her membership in the female club. Talackova won the Miss Vancouver beauty pageant, qualifying her for the Miss Universe Canada pageant. The winner of Miss Universe Canada moves on to compete in Donald Trump's TV broadcast, Miss Universe pageant. Last week, Talackova was disqualified from the Miss Universe Canada competition. Apparently the stunning Miss Talackova is transgender.

She (he?) was born male and had "gender reassignment surgery" at age 19 to become a female. I had no idea one could be reassigned. I would like to be reassigned as a princess which would only be a matter of paperwork and not nearly as complicated as gender altering surgery. There would be no need for anesthesia and no potential medical malpractice suit. I try hard not to think about the details of Talackova's surgery for many reasons but I can't help it, my mind keeps returning to the operating room. The surgical procedure must be incredibly difficult for the doctor and patient. And what medication could possibly manage that level of pain?

Last week, the Miss Universe Canada organization issued a media release stating that Talackova was eliminated "because she did not meet the requirements to compete despite having stated otherwise on her entry form. We do, however, respect her goals " What are Talackova's goals? Does she want to be beautiful and compete in beauty pageants? She is already beautiful and has an eerie likeness to Ivanka Trump. Could she not be a model or perhaps participate in another Donald Trump TV show, such as "Celebrity Apprentice"?

Talackova was approached after pageant staff found evidence on her Facebook page that she was in fact transgender. How many times must it be proven that social media is the two-faced friend that will stab you in the back at any given moment?

The basic pageant rules on the pageant website state that a contestant must be a single female between the ages of 18 and 27. A spokesperson for the pageant organization also said that Talackova broke contestant rules which specify each contestant must be a "naturally born female" (a rule included in all Miss Universe pageants). Talackova wrote on her application that she was born female when in fact she was obviously born male. Talackova also objects to the wording "naturally born." I suppose it's fair to say that she was naturally born considering she didn't hatch from an egg. She is now 23 but technically was a man at age 18 and a woman at age 19.

According to a report on MSNBC.com, not long after her surgery, Talackova competed in Miss International Queen in 2010, a competition for transgender and transsexual people. In an interview posted on YouTube, she said she knew she was a girl at age 4.
So what defines Talackova's gender? Her chromosomes are X and Y, making her biologically male. However, by appearance, she is female.

Meanwhile, Talackova has consulted an attorney and has used her Twitter account to express her belief that she was unfairly disqualified. Talackova tweeted, "I'm not going to let them just disqualify me over discrimination." It's illegal in Canada to discriminate against a person based on their gender identity. A movement to support Talackova has gained momentum. Almost 25,000 people have signed a petition to reinstate Talackova as a contestant in the pageant.

How about a petition that claims Talackova can't be reinstated as a contestant because she lied on her application? Talackova says she looks and feels like a woman. I think I look and feel like a princess but I wouldn't put that on a job application.

Should Talackova be allowed to compete in the Miss Universe Canada competition? I don't know. One thing I do know; in this undeniably male dominated society, I think it's totally unfair that men have figured out a way to join the female club without going through the initiation.

An Open Letter to Anybody (Bristol writes Obama)

2012-03-22T10:59:00.000-04:00

Bristol Palin has reached for her keyboard once again. In response to President Barack Obama's telephone call to Sandra Fluke, Palin posted an open letter on her blog, titled "Mr. President, when should I expect your call?"

Palin surfaced so many points in so few paragraphs that her letter resembles a literary yard sale. She dragged old issues out of the closet, shined them up and laid them out for cheap, assuming that at least one point would sell. I'm just impressed that Palin's publicist was able to capture her "voice" and still write a letter that made sense. And that is the sad irony of the situation. It's a dark day in America when Bristol Palin, a total dolt, effectively points out the double standard in the media and contradictions in politics.

Palin (and her publicist) writes, "But here's why I'm a little surprised my phone hasn't rung. Your $1,000,000 donor Bill Maher has said reprehensible things about my family." Will Obama call Palin? Unless she joins the Democratic party and promotes his agenda, there's no chance her phone will ring. Furthermore, it doesn't matter whether Maher donated $1 million or $1 — its return wouldn't change the impact of his pubescent, and as Bristol accurately described, "reprehensible" behavior.
Maher has repeatedly described Bristol and Sarah Palin using language that is literally unprintable. In June 2011, he said, "Bristol Palin has to admit the reason she (unprintable word right here) Levi over and over until a baby fell out is because she liked it!"

In a cyclical, "It's the Circle of Life" argument (a la "The Lion King"), Maher and Rush Limbaugh disguise journalism as political opinion, and on an as-needed basis, disguise political opinion as comedic entertainment. The beautiful thing about this cyclical philosophy is that the journalist/political analyst/entertainer doesn't have to take responsibility for the drivel that falls out of his mouth. Maher and Limbaugh argue that they have the right to free speech and the liberty to speak their opinion using whatever language they chose which cannot be challenged since it is all part of a comedy act. Are four letter words required to make an insightful and witty joke?

Maher refused to apologize for gutter-worthy jokes about Sarah Palin, arguing that if the audience laughs at the jokes then the language is acceptable. His logic assumes that social and community mores determine the bounds of his topics and language. He said, "People have won cases about pornography based on this (argument) the community says it's OK." There you have it. It's the community's fault that Maher must use foul language to elicit laughter from the audience.

When Limbaugh lost sponsors as a result of his comments about Fluke, Maher said, "Rush, I don't have sponsors — I'm on HBO." Apparently it's also the sponsor's responsibility to police the "entertainment" on TV since HBO will not.

Let's keep in mind that Maher and Limbaugh are, technically, intelligent men. Yet, both made moronic inflammatory statements and drew attention to women who frankly didn't deserve the air time. Bristol Palin's greatest talent is exploiting her relationship to a failed vice presidential candidate. Why is Maher wasting valuable joke bandwidth on Bristol Palin?

Fluke became the target of Limbaugh's attacks when she testified before Congress on the negative impact of restrictive insurance coverage as it relates to contraception and religious institutions' freedoms under federal law. Why did Limbaugh attack Fluke rather than attack her testimony? You would never have known that Fluke was in law school based on her testimony because it's filled with anecdotal evidence and unconvincing numbers. As an example, she let the audience get preoccupied with a story about a lesbian with ovarian cysts. (She should know that any story that includes a lesbian is a one-way ticket to a distracted audience.) Fluke's inability to persuasively argue her own point was completely overlooked as all eyes focused on Limbaugh's equally unpersuasive, crass criticism.

Limbaugh is a plebian with a microphone and Maher is mediocrity incarnate. Obama needs to stop apologizing for other people and hang up the phone. Fluke should hide under a rock for hideous under achievement and Bristol Palin needs to go to college because she will need a dictionary to read this column.

Virginia Russell
http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2012/mar/22/virginias-state-of-mind-an-open-letter-to/

Burmese Pythons take over the Everglades in Florida

2012-03-19T14:24:00.001-04:00

This article is rated R for contents of a disturbing nature.

The snake situation in Florida is literally giving me nightmares. The number of Burmese python snakes in the Everglades is greater than the population of the city of Naples. As if that's not enough, there is a shortage of coral snake antivenom. In my mind, the governor should declare a state snake emergency.

Burmese pythons didn't start here. They were originally brought to Southwest Florida as exotic pets from Southeast Asia. The story goes that during Hurricane Andrew in 1992, a pet python was released or escaped into the Everglades. The Florida Everglades offered a habitat from heaven: plush wetlands, fresh water and cute fuzzy little animals ripe for the picking. The pythons have no natural predator in the Everglades and thus, they are now living fat and happy. They eat everything from pet cats to large alligators. For example, one python found in the Everglades was killed just after it had eaten a 76-pound deer.

The exact number of pythons is unknown. That's understandable since the snakes 1) slither and swim so fast they are hard to count and 2) who in their right mind would go out in the Everglades with the sole purpose of counting pythons?

Some experts believe that since the 1990s the python population has grown to a conservative estimate of 30,000. Given that the pythons have no natural enemies in the Everglades, if that same growth rate is used, the current population of 30,000 would grow to over 7 billion by 2032. That estimate assumes that half the current Burmese python population is female and each female's clutch produces eight surviving eggs. Hopefully things like natural selection will curb the python reproduction otherwise there will be more snakes than humans.

An average python can grow up to 20 feet and weigh more than 200 pounds. If you lined up all of the existing pythons head to tail, they would stretch all the way across Interstate 75 between Naples and Miami. The governor should change the name of Alligator Alley to Python Alley.

Scientists tagged some of the crafty pythons and discovered that the snakes were actually swimming beyond the brackish waters of the Everglades and into the salt water of the Florida Bay. A recent article published in the Journal of Experimental Marine Biology and Ecology suggested that the pythons could be able to swim between the Key islands.

That's not all. There are 400 species of snakes in Florida but the good news is that only eight of the 400 are venomous. The bad news is that one of the eight venomous snakes, the coral snake, has life-threatening venom. The worst news is that if you are bitten by the coral snake, common to Southwest Florida, you're doomed. There's so little antivenom left in Florida you'll likely have to be intubated and resuscitated until the poisonous venom wears off, which can take weeks.

The Everglades are one of the seven natural wonders of the world. In my opinion (which is in no way scientific) the pythons are mucking up the Everglades ecosystem and are endangering its position on the list of seven natural wonders. At this rate, the seven natural wonders may turn into the six natural wonders of the world.
I think someone (not me) should pack up some coral snakes in a box marked "exotic pets" and send them on a one-way ticket back to Burma (Myanmar).

http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2012/feb/23/virginias-state-of-mind-my-venom-for-snakes/

I got shot with a tazer gun

2012-03-15T19:56:00.003-04:00

This is a picture of me being shot in the leg with a tazer gun. It was very painful. I do not recommend it. If a policement ever points a tazer gun at you ask for the pistol instead. The bullet will be faster and hurt less. Why did I volunteer to do this? Journalistic integrity. (That's my story and I'm sticking with it).

Online Survey says....

2012-03-15T10:33:00.001-04:00

A U.S. soldier shot and killed 16 civilians in Afghanistan, GOP candidates are vying for the presidential bid and what are most people doing with their time? Playing solitaire and doing crossword puzzles on their phones.

I performed a wholly unscientific survey to determine what the heck people do with themselves all day. I sent the survey to many people, some of whom I know intimately so I was able to substantiate their answers. The survey was decidedly inaccurate because 99 percent of all responders lied. Or, perhaps they were challenged to tell the cold hard truth. Who wants to admit they play on their phone and text all day long?

Most people will tell you they are extremely busy and gesture toward a mobile phone or computer as defending evidence. But what's really behind all that tap, tap, tapping on the keyboard? Ninety two percent of all surveyed admitted to either playing solitaire on their phone and/or checking Facebook every day for a minimum of 30 minutes. Some who were more honest admitted to 60 minutes per day and included Sudoku and Chopper2 in their list of preferred phone games.

Only 3 percent of all parents said "yes" when asked, "Have you ever been late to pick up your child because you were on your phone or computer playing a game or on Facebook?" However, the children waiting to be picked up had a different answer. Contrary to the parent percentages, 60 percent of all children said "yes" or "guaranteed" or "no doubt" when asked, "Have your parents ever been late to pick you up because they were on Facebook or playing a game on the phone or computer?"

In the same survey, I asked those with mobile phones if they had ever sent or received a "sext" message (a text message that includes sexually explicit information). A whopping 72 percent of the parent group (the same people who supposedly aren't late to pick up their kids) have either sent or received a "sext" message. Perhaps the parents were telling the truth and it isn't games or Facebook but something else that's making them late?

Many surveyed said that they had phones but didn't know how to find the games much less how to play them. I think those people are telling the truth.

Those surveyed that had a mobile phone and understood how to use it, all admitted to talking on their home phone while simultaneously texting on their mobile phone.

Is the ease and accessibility proffered by mobile phones and laptops increasing our productivity or distracting our focus? Are the games a positive brain flex or a senseless waste of time? Solitaire and crossword puzzles, the two most popular phone games in this survey, have been around for decades. What's new however is the idea that a person can play solitaire for 45 seconds at a stop light. It's now possible to exploit what would otherwise have been "dead" time with light mental fare. Or perhaps we're all having too many mental game snacks and it's only a matter of time before our brains are as mushy as our bodies.

And what about those who aren't on Twitter, Facebook or Words with Friends? What are they doing all day?

In one response, Harriette Will said, "I do not play games on the computer nor do I go on Twitter or Facebook. And I do not text. So there you have it. I am a dinosaur, but I have lots of time to play tennis, walk outside when the weather is pretty, read, write letters or e-mails to keep in touch with distant friends, and do the New York Times crossword every day except Monday and Tuesday (they are too easy). I also take time to actually talk to people face to face and listen to what they are saying."

I can't help but point out that she could use the mobile app and do the New York Times crossword puzzle on her phone.

Murdoch and Brooks - hacking phones for news

2012-03-13T22:28:00.001-04:00

Rupert Murdoch abruptly ended publication of the News of the World in response to allegations that journalists were hacking phones for news stories. The News of the World, otherwise known as the “News of the Screws” sold more than 2 million copies per week. It was widely considered a tabloid rag that published sex scandals and exposed the private lives of public figures.

In regard to the hacking, the editor, Colin Myler said, “Nothing should diminish everything this great newspaper has achieved.” And it has achieved so much.

Consider the former News of the World reporter James Weatherup, recently arrested for phone hacking. I have provided two examples of Weatherup’s contribution to the achievement of the great newspaper, News of the World: “Sherrie’s a boozy, violent, jealous control freak – EXCLUSIVE CORRIE LEGEND’S HUBBY LETS LOSE AT STAR,” and “Stone me, she’s better looking than dad! – ROCKER KEITH’S GIRL STRIPS FOR PLAYBOY.” It took me literally four hours to find column titles by Weatherup that contain verbiage acceptable for my parents to read.

Of course the many accomplishments of former chief reporter Neville Thurlbeck (also arrested for phone hacking) should not be overlooked. Thurlbeck was responsible for covering or fabricating news about the royal family. One of his last articles published was titled “ANDREW & THE SEX SLAVE BEAST.” Thurlbeck’s journalistic contributions to the News of the World were an achievement indeed.

If I had been the editor of News of the World and I was paying off the police, I would have fired the journalists long ago for turning out such literary trash when presumably they had access to really good direct source information. If they were willing to commit a crime for the sake of juicy news, then the news better be darn good and it wasn’t. It was as sour as a lemon.

Who has the patience to listen to that many phone conversations? I talk a lot and there’s a limit to how much time even I can spend on the phone. I can’t imagine the tedium of listening to other people’s conversations. And who says anything on the phone that is so titillating it is worth recording? Why waste time and risk legal entanglements when so many public personalities, from performers to politicians freely dish out news on Twitter and Facebook as if it were candy?

The benefit of hacking people’s phones is that you can stay in your pajamas and sit on your own sofa while you’re on the phone doing “research” for your next article. So in the name of research and the desire to sit in my pajamas all day, I asked my editor for a phone hacking device. I don’t know who I would listen to, but I assure you I would come up with scintillating news about grocery shopping and the most recent episode of Glee. I promised my editor that I would listen to thousands of calls (but not his). I guaranteed juicy stories that would make at least lemonade if not a pina colada. His not-so-subtle response confirms that this newspaper is more ethical than Murdoch’s 168-year-old, multi-million dollar publication.

News of the World should have been put out of its misery long ago. Murdoch should have fired all of his editors for the inability to group words into a reasonable sentence structure and excessive use of the “caps lock” key. And finally, Rebekah Brooks should fire her hairdresser for letting her look like the cowardly lion after his visit to the Emerald City.

Limbaugh potentially ill?

2012-03-08T20:34:00.000-05:00

As a parent there are certain questions I avoid like the plague. I often respond to the most awkward question “Mom where do babies come from?” with “Daddy can answer that question much better than I can.” Of course there are other difficult esoteric questions also worthy of deflection. Even Webster was of no assistance with the most recent “What does the word ‘integrity’ mean?”

In the same way that an example of “high” can be used to define “low,” I decided that it was easier to explain the opposite of integrity as a path to the true meaning of integrity. This seemed an obvious solution considering examples of individuals totally devoid of even a speck of integrity abound in the news.

Rush Limbaugh is in my opinion, the King of negative integrity. In a colossal collision of his personal opinion and all ethical codes and canons of journalism, Limbaugh disgracefully attacked Sandra Fluke for presenting her testimony on contraception before Congress. He said on his radio show:

“I will buy all of the women at Georgetown…aspirin to put between their knees…(Fluke) essentially says that she must be paid to have sex. What does that make her? a slut…a prostitute. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. If we are going to pay for your (Fluke) contraceptives…We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch…who bought your condoms in junior high? She's having so much sex it's amazing she can still walk.”

Subsequent to Limbaugh’s absurd verbal spew Fluke has become a sympathetic figure and appeared on multiple major network TV shows and is a pervasive topic in news media. Limbaugh’s disturbingly inappropriate comments catapulted Fluke’s contraception cause into mainstream discussion and raised the question, “Is Limbaugh filtering all of his thoughts?” Everything he said, except for the prepositions should have remained caged within his temporal lobe. Limbaugh’s inability to mentally filter may be a symptom of a more serious health issue. He may need to have a sieve surgically implanted on his brain.

I once had an experience when my mouth was directly connected to my stream of consciousness. I had a horrible rash and realized I was out of Benadryl. In a moment of total desperation I decided to use my children’s Benadryl. I doubled the dose assuming that two eight year olds equal one of me. Unfortunately my computation was off and I quadrupled the dose. The rash went away but my arms felts like overcooked linguine with bricks at each end where my hands should have been. Everything that came out of my mouth was nonsensical; I was useless verbal entertainment.

I was hoping to apply a similar excuse to Limbaugh’s illogical eruption. A drug induced manic verbal moment is plausible considering his history of drug addiction. In 2003 he was absent from his show to enter drug rehabilitation for prescription drug addiction. In this particular instance I don’t think the “I was drugged out of my mind” excuse is applicable considering Limbaugh repeated the same statements about Fluke during his radio show over the course of three days.

In 2006 he was charged with doctor shopping. The criminal charges were dropped when he agreed to a court diversion program which included drug treatment and a fine. Two months later he was detained in a Florida airport for possessing the penis erectile dysfunction drug Viagra that was prescribed in a different name. The Viagra was confiscated but Limbaugh wasn’t charged.

This last verbal attack may have revealed more about his well-being than he intended. He may be suffering from the side effects from Viagra, Oxycontin or Hydrocodone which include but aren’t limited to: loss of hearing, mental changes, speech changes and constipation.

His problem with University students may run deep considering he never made it past his freshman year and his issue with contraception could be multifaceted. Perhaps he is suffering from other ailments of which we know nothing. One can only hope that someone close to Limbaugh, presumably his fourth wife since he has no children, is assessing his condition.

The challenge for me is that I cannot use this R-rated example of the opposite of integrity to define integrity for my children. Thus I shall continue to say “Daddy can answer that question much better than I can.”

p.s., Limbaugh signed a $400 million contract 8 year contract in 2008. I need a raise.

http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2012/mar/07/virginias-state-mind-limbaughs-inability-mentally/

The Pope is on twitter

2012-02-25T01:24:00.001-05:00

The pope is tweeting once a day every day for the next 40 days of lent. He is reminding people in 140 characters or less of important biblical passages and themes. This is supposed to help people remain committed to their sacrifice during lent.

Question 1) what will he do when lent is over? Will his twitter account go dormant until next lent?

Question 2) who's idea was this? They should be fired. It is only a matter of time before it becomes public that the pope is following a priest that tracked down a kid on twitter and - well nothing good can come of that. Its a disaster of epic proportion in the making. It's Kim Kardashian + Arnold Schwarzenegger + Anthony Weiner = social media catastrophe. Ugh. .... Must we all witness the religious debris bound to spew from this impending wreck - yuck

Not trying to be sacrilegious here - just pointing out the inevitable.