MONDO BIZARRO

R.I.P. Dr. Hess

2012-01-28T22:34:00.000-05:00

News just came out of the passing of Ian Abercrombie. It's a loss, obviously.

While he had a long career in Hollywood and on television, he'll always be that evil Dr. Hess from Puppet Master 3.

For making it the best film in the bunch IMO, he deserves a lot of praise- especially since it was a DeCoteau film

As a side-note, he was apparently Alfred on the show Birds of Prey too. I'm worried for Michael Caine and Efrem Zimbalist Jr., what with Michael Gough dying last year. Be safe, Alfreds.

Project Terrible: Project X29A

2012-01-28T11:07:00.000-05:00

Alright, let's see what you've got, Bob! My long-time friend and fellow blogger over at Gaming Creatively really has it out for me. Is it because I made him watch 'the High School production of Twilight?' Is it because I made him watch a movie that makes spies, ninjas and a robot Bigfoot boring? Is it because I got him to watch the most pretentious movies since Naked Lunch- Southland Tales? All good reasons, actually. This is Project Terrible and it is my idea- guilty- so I can't give out the crappy films without getting some of my own. Can this movie be worse for me than what I have for him? Well, it's not by Uwe Boll, so probably not. Jack yourself into VR and read on...

The plot of this movie is amazingly paper-thin. Basically, a guy- eventually- gets turned into a robot soldier and fights his own friend. Instead of talking about that normally, I'll just show you other highlights. For example, this guy 'jacking in.' Just to note: this film was made in 1992!

This is the Prototype- a cool suit, until you see it in motion for long and realize that it's rubber. Plus, this scene is from the beginning...before our hero becomes the robot. Confused?

Recognize that face? Imagine it with blond highlights and a stoned-expression? Get it now? It's Kato Kaelin, B-Movie Actor turned O.J. Trial Witness turned National Joke. Weird!

In this odd sequence, our hero is lonely and obsessed with a woman- one of two in the film, mind you- and logs onto a VR program to...well, hook up with her. Don't worry- the Necrophilia option is turned off. This goes on for a while until...

...he wakes up in the tube- before he's put there in the story...I think. Seconds later, he wakes up in bed. Did you just dream about being in a dream being in a VR program? What. The. Hell?!??

In the Dystopian future of 2057, the only thing that can stop the evil robots- Primes- are these guys...that know Tai-Chi. This future does suck!

The movie's final battle initially involves this Tai-Chi Master- with white guy dreads- vs. the Prototype. He fails. It finally comes down to the kid from earlier and the object of lust convincing our hero to stop. But...

...ripping the robot helmet off of your head- nice Star Wars rip-off BTW- doesn't end well for him. He dies. The kid finds his body in a tube...and leaves. The End.

On the plus side, there's only one killer robot trying to destroy the humans this time. The best way that I can describe this movie is as 'If David Lynch made Robocop.' Actually, that's insulting to David Lynch, who I'm not even a fan of! Let me describe it as 'If David Lynch sustained a series of head injuries and returned to work too early to make Robocop.' That's better...but not enough. Let me describe as 'If David Lynch sustained a series of head injuries and returned to work too early to make Robocop, only to find out that it had a budget of $6,000 dollars and some Sacajawea Coins.' That's a good one! This movie's premise is not bad- it's the execution that sucks ass. I fell asleep watching this movie initially, making it to about the half-hour point. It just takes forever to get going & feels lazy. We 'get it' early on that the guy is upset with being paralyzed and not getting the girl. Naturally, they spend about four long scenes showing various reasons why- since I guess the audience for this movie is people who can't take a hint! When I re-approached the film later, I just kind of skipped to the 'good stuff.' It does get better after the first forty-plus minutes, but that's a low bar. Is it Terrible? It's certainly close, I'll give it that. For at least having a competent suit and some action, it's merely terrible. As far as using an upside-down keyboard, that's Terrible...

Up next, I end with a second film about VR and from Gaming Creatively. Which random person will cameo in this film? Stay tuned...

Paranormal Activity 3 vs. The Last Exorcism: Rip-Off?

2012-01-26T19:35:00.000-05:00

After watching Paranormal Activity 3 last night (it was alright), I was struck by a similarity to another 'found footage' film: The Last Exorcism. You know, that movie that would never be made if Paranormal Activity was not a hit.

Warning: this mentions key Plot Points of both movies, including a reference or two to the Ending. SPOILERS ahoy!

Possessed little girls making the 'scare you YouTube video' face- check.

A finale involving our heroes and a bonfire in the yard- another check! They don't quite get the scale right though...

I'll avoid going into more detail, but there is even more going on in the two movies' plots that have parallels. Oh and the Ending of PE3 has no set-up via the first two movies. I guess Paranormal Activity 4 will address the plot holes! Awkward smile...

Project Terrible: Kill Katie Malone

2012-01-26T18:42:00.000-05:00

Another Terrible movie? Today's film is Kill Katie Malone, a film given to me by Michele over at The Girl Who Loves A Horror. After the films I've subjected her to, it's only fitting that I get my fair share. Look out for the film that I gave her when she covers it sometime next month- it should be a doozy. On the plus side, I avoided Taintlight for another Round! So what is this movie about? Basically, imagine The Ring, except the creature could attack you for no good reason. There's a little more to the plot than that, but it's a pretty good summary. This is more than a blatant rip-off though, putting it in a league above Ring Around the Rosie aka Fear Itself: Dark Memories. Look for a couple of people to show up, even some who could have done better...in 1993. As a bonus, this movie has an interesting connection to a film that The Girl Who Loves Horror did in the last Round. Curious? I thought so. I should mention that this film comes to us from 2009, so beware of SPOILERS...if you care. To find out all of the answers to my teasers, read on...

Dean Cain shows up in the Intro, losing his daughter to the evil of the box. How did he get the box? Good luck with getting the answer to that question...

Our heroes buy the box off of the Internet from Cain. Naturally, you'd want to give the thing to someone else after it killed your daughter- asshole!

Strange things start to happen, including words appearing on a wall in Gaelic. This young lady is able to translate it...because. You couldn't hire an Irish girl or at least someone who looked like they might be? Weird.

The Ghost/Not Sadako starts killing and/or maiming people who try to harm her 'family' (the trio). She makes this teacher bite her tongue off for accusing one guy of plagiarism...

...and then it evaporates Nick Hogan. That's right, Michele- we both have Project Terrible films with Hogan in them. Congrats.

To further muddle this villain's motivation, it kills the girl that our hero likes (while he ignores his friend). One- she said 'no' to a date. Two- you just killed her boyfriend (see above). Why not just leave him alone?!?

Our heroes try to stem the tide of violence by 'setting the girl free.' She doesn't take the hint, however, choosing to just blatantly steal imagery from the Ringu films now.

The finale of this film is made up of two scenes: the secondary leads being chased by the ghost and our hero trying to sell the box on uBid (subtle!). No, really. Tense box-selling action! PayPal, you cruel bitch!

In The End, our heroine and hero survive the night (but the black guy dies). The box ends up with the Goth Girl...who is Cain's other daughter. The idiots fight, unleashing the ghost once again to kill them. The End.

Go ahead and take care of me next, guys. When a movie can't even create a coherent title, what hope is there? Seriously, diagram that title. Is the movie about them trying to kill Katie Malone? No- she's already a ghost. What else could it mean then? Furthermore, there's no punctuation to go with it, implying that it's not a command a la Sink the Bismark! or (only good for this comparison) Kill The Scream Queen! So with that glaring issue aside, how is the movie? It's not Terrible, but I wouldn't call it good. The acting is only so-so, the pacing is weird and certain characters' importance is hard to decipher. Case in point: Dixie aka the other Male Lead. He's a lead early on, but vanishes from the movie about thirty minutes in. He makes sporadic appearances throughout, but he's completely-eclipsed by characters like the college love interest and Nick Hogan's asshole. Wow, you're important, huh?!? The ghost's powers are also a bit odd, ranging from body control to the ability to evaporate people a la War of the Worlds. What part of being a ghost allows you to do that? This movie is just *this close* to being truly terrible, but miles away from being Terrible. There's a decent film buried in this mess. Take us away, cheap Google substitute...

Next up, what is the secret of Prototype X29A? Here's a hint: it's probably Terrible. Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: The Holy Mountain (Again)

2012-01-25T19:29:00.000-05:00

Alejandro Jodorowsky- a man with a vision. That vision was inspired by LSD and huffing fumes, but it still counts. Give that vision to Japan and it gets really crazy...

Oh, I get it. The film is about the balding version of the villain from Manos: The Hands of Fate. That or its an add for the Holy Mountain game for the Amiga.

Next up, another crazy poster for a Jodorowsky poster. Yes, they continue to get weirder! Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Night of the Kickfighters

2012-01-24T19:19:00.000-05:00

With UFC doing so well these days, it's only fitting to look at a film from the late '80s about kickboxing. Why not?

Aside from the goofy title, this looks like fun. The fact that our hero appears to be Photoshopped on that body is just a bonus!

Next up, a monster, a plan and a year in the title. Movie- bad! Stay tuned...

Project Terrible: Ring Around the Rosie

2012-01-24T18:56:00.000-05:00

As much as some people may want it to, Project Terrible is back! I'll get the ball going first this time, since everyone else is just cowering in their homes. I'll be the man here, Internet! To start things off, here's the movie sent to me by Maynard Morrisey (of the titular horror blog). I actually watched this about a month ago, as I didn't feel like wasting a Disc on this film. It's a good thing too, since the movie is a pretty-blatant rip-off of a well-regarded movie. That movie- A Tale of Two Sisters. If you liked the movie, but felt that the plot needed to be less interesting, feature worse acting and feel really pointless, you're in for a great time. Now off of Streaming, this movie is a harder sell than ever. To find out if the movie is terrible or Terrible, you'll have to keep reading. To find out why the film is not actually called Ring Around the Rosie, read on...

Right off the bat, the movie tries to warn you. It's your fault if you don't listen.

The film begins with some random dreams and the only time that someone actually says 'Ring Around the Rosie.' After that, we get to attend the saddest funeral ever...

Since the movie features no real suspense or scares for quite a while, here's a deer that's left lying in the road. Enjoy.

Creepy imagery = an excuse for having no real plot.

Our heroine freaks out a bit in the house, due to all of the random ghost filler. She manages to make herself fall out a window, only to be caught by Tom Sizemore. Given the twist ending, this will seem really silly.

Things get slightly-more tense when our heroine's fiance leaves and her sister shows up. Can you see where this is going? Can you believe that the Producers thought that this would not be noticeable?

After a long climax involving our heroines try to take down/run away from Sizemore, they survive the night. The fiance shows up and...says that her sister has been dead for 17 years. So what actually happened then?

This random shot from the ending is supposed to explain everything. Does it? No. The End.

I'd like it better if it was foreign. I was really, really disappointed with this movie. I hesitate to call it worthless, because it's not. However, it's value is also pretty hard to determine. Confused? This movie has some decent moments to it and seems like it is building up to a neat twist. Alas, that does not happen. While you get a twist, I was hoping for something like 'Sizemore is not actually the villain' or something along those lines. From the get-go, it's pretty clear that his character is up to no good. All things considered, that's why you hire a guy like Sizemore for this role. A creative mind can use casting to their advantage and play with audience expectations. They don't do that. More than the slow pacing, the movie's climax and resolution ruin the whole thing. I just think back about the movie and picture the lady just staring at the ceiling. That's not the image you want for a suspense film! It's about the journey, not the destination, some people will say. It's a pretty slow, tedious journey, but it's certainly better than the destination. For all Sizemore's work to look scary, I can just think of this...

Next up, my film courtesy of The Girl Who Loves Horror. It's not a good day to be named Katie. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: Monster Force

2012-01-23T19:45:00.000-05:00

Because nobody demanded it and I watched it, Forgotten Toons is back! If it stays back, well, that's up to you...

Thanks to Netflix, obscure crap like this is available. On the flip-side, obscure crap like this is available thanks to Netflix. This show is a bit complicated, so allow me to explain. People in jumpsuits and coats fight monsters. Actually, it's pretty simple. This show is notable for trying to work in a number of famous movie monsters, including Dracula, The Wolfman and Frankenstein. It's also full of many weird creatures, odd scenes and characters that defy explanation. Let's read on, shall we...

Dracula is the main villain of the show. In the Pilot, he tries to use an amulet of a Japanese Sun Goddess to block out the sun. That's...unique, I'll give them that.

Adam- aka Frankenstein's Monster- is one of the heroes. They don't explain how this works or anything. However, he does share a bond with the team's psychic: Shelley Frank. No, really.

Vampires can shoot lasers in this show. I just wanted to point that out.

Another episode features the Creature from the Black Lagoon, although it is also tied into Lovecraft. It has the power to change size via perspective as well...

Your hand got bigger. You aren't going to tip the boat...

...over, are you? That's impressive.

The third episode I checked out features a tale about a town that appears every 100 years and eats people. You can't make this shit up!

The day is saved when our heroes create a storm by saturating a cloud to cause a storm that sends lightning down to super-charge Adam. No, really.

In summary, this is a show with neat ideas behind it, but the introductory episodes left something to be desired. Like a lot of shows from the '90s, it feels like the characters were taken from a list of cliches. This applies to both design- check out the trenchcoats and M.A.S.K.-style masks- and personality. The interesting characters- including a guy who can control his lycanthropy and the psychic Frank- don't do much to make themselves stand out. I should also point out that the Pilot sets up very little for the characters, which is kind of the opposite of what you're supposed to do! I have many questions about the science and magic mentioned in the show, but I won't waste your time with them here. Overall, it's an interesting idea for a show...but it falls flat. That said, the other episodes could make the show leave more of an impact. I'm not holding out a lot of hope, however, considering this 'on the nose' reference...

Are you in the mood for more Forgotten Toons? If so, Comment here and let me know how you feel.

P.S. VHS For The Win is pushed back to Tuesday. I assume that you care, so there you go.

Strange Killers: Glass Trap

2012-01-21T23:57:00.000-05:00

When one film about ants won't work, there's always another. I was planning to review Ants, giving Strange Killers Week a bit of '70s mojo. That wasn't to be, but fortunately, I had a back-up. Naturally, my back-up was a Direct-to-Video film starring C. Thomas Howell. I just love my life. Glass Trap is actually a film that I considered renting at one point for a review. However, I used a rarely-accessed feature on Netflix to discourage- the trailer to the film. It looked like shit. Many months later, I needed a movie to do and this one...exists. The film's premise is simple: people trapped in a building with giant ants. Get it? Got it? Good. To find out just how silly this silly-sounding movie is, read on...

Basically, this movie is all about putting a bunch of people in a building. Two of them are characters right out of The Devil Wears Prada. While this film predates the movie version (by 2 years), it does come a year after the book. It's not subtle!

Howell, meanwhile, plays a Janitor with a back-story. It's not important, but it is apparently important that he has one. Moving on...

This man is a Fashion Photographer and these are his models. They appear, act funny and then disappear for nearly an hour. Good writing, huh?

The ants are a sight to behold. They alternate between cheap puppets...

...and lame CG effects. On the plus side, it is a nice skyline...to put lame CG effects in front of.

About an hour in, the FBI and company call in a big name to take out the monsters. What C-List actor is up to the task? I'll give you a hint- sweep the leg!

Yes, Martin Kove has not yet grown that silly mustache and put on that vest. He does, however, nearly cop a feel on this teen actress during a scene though. Good times...

In The End, the ants are killed off by a mild explosion of gas in the building. Well, that and this CG effect. Kove's character gets off scott-free for leaving people to die. Good lesson, movie. The End.

Ants deserve better than this. What good things can I say about this movie? It wasn't a complete waste of time, I suppose. It wasn't directed by David DeCoteau- granted. It didn't give me cancer. That's something. In all seriousness, this movie is a fairly average and sub-par. The acting is not completely-terrible, unless you count the guy trying way too hard to talk like a cliche Fashion Photographer. Seriously- he was bad. Granted, his character was not going to turn out to be 'Othello' or anything, but he was extra-cheesy. Aside from that, Howell was his usual, dull self. On the plus side, he didn't appear to be on a hunger strike or dying of Colon Cancer like he has in the last few years. Seriously, is he alright? It's easy to see how sick Stephen J. Cannell was in Ice Spiders. Getting past that, the movie is so unfocused and just tries to fill time with about thirty different characters. On top of the leads, you get Kove, a Sheriff, Kove's assistant, the guy who owns the Plant Nursery, the Security Guard, one guy's daughter and the lead government agent. How many Producers' cousins were involved in this movie?!? If you like this kind of schlock, this movie is cheesy gold. If not, continue not knowing that this movie exists. Take us away, Very Dutch Angle...

Next up, I begin my selection of Project Terrible films for this round. First up, a movie that's totally not a famous Japanese movie- no sir! Stay tuned...

Strange Killers: The Nun

2012-01-20T23:57:00.020-05:00

Can't be any worse than Rottweiler, right? This a movie that just sounds silly on paper. A bunch of people are chased around and killed by the ghost of an evil Nun. Unfortunately, there's even more to make fun of here. You see, this is essentially a J/K-Horror Film, but made in Spain by a guy from the Philippines. Confused? The whole thing just feels like a mish-mash of movies like The Grudge and Ringu. It's weird, confusing and a bit lazy. As a bonus, it muddies the issue with a Third Act Plot Twist that just makes the whole thing seem really, really stupid. Want to see how Yuzna and company made a movie about a killer, ghost nun even sillier? If so, read on...

The film opens with a Nun going ape-shit on some students and trying to choke one to death. This scene is interesting, so, of course, it's a dream.

The titular villain shows up eventually and starts off by killing our heroine's mother. The ghost/killer has a connection to the water. When you find out the real story, you'll hate these moments.

More random killing of older, middle-aged ladies. This is a bigger post-menopausal bloodbath when that guy shot up the set of Dallas!

Over forty-minutes in, we stop the random killing and see why the ghost is killing people. It's because she attacked the girls years ago and they drowned her in the tub. Oh, that makes perfect sense.

I should mention that our heroes have decided to go back to the Catholic School where it all went down. Oh and their car broke down and their cell phones don't work. Why don't you just shoot yourselves and save this lady/ghost some time?

In the finale, our heroine is separated from the remaining group and fights the Nun in the water, since it's weakest there...where it comes from. Fun fact: Aquaman is weakest in the water too! Here's the twist though...

The ghost Nun didn't exist. Our heroine was actually the killer the whole time. Of course, none of that makes sense, it's actually just presented as a theory and our heroine somehow shot herself with a speargun...backwards. Oh and the movie just kind of ends. The End.

Even ghost Nuns deserve better than this. The whole thing is a poorly-paced mess of a movie that ultimately amounts to nothing. It has interesting visuals, so I'm sure that it makes a neat trailer. The problem is that there is just not enough substance behind the visuals. Never mind that the Third Act just kills the whole experience. Remember the ending of Monster-a-Go-Go? That one was awful because it played with reality and taunted you. Remember the ending of Pan's Labyrinth? That one was great, because it played with reality in an ambiguous way that didn't insult the audience. As a side-note, how often do you see these two films compared? This movie's attempt to 'explain things' is just bad, bad, bad. As far as the acting goes, it's nothing special for the most part. The Nun in the flashbacks is nice and intense though. Overall, the movie turns out be better than Rottweiler and Beyond Re-Animator, while not as inventive as Return of the Living Dead 3. It is a bit silly in overall execution and that hurts it. Take us away, ghost Nun in a round-about...

Up next, one final film to talk about and it features C. Thomas Howell. Can it replace Ants properly? Stay tuned...

Strange Killers: Mandrake

2012-01-19T23:58:00.000-05:00

It's a good movie...but a couple things really hold it back. It's rare that I say good things about a Syfy Channel film. Let's be honest- most of them are awful. The thing is that some of them are really funny, usually in an unintentional way. For every surprisingly-decent film like Mongolian Death Worm, there's a dozen films like Android Apocalypse and Ice Spiders. So, it should come as a surprise to you that I don't have a lot of bad things to say about the plot of this movie. One aspect, however, is fair game to me. Before I reveal that, let's discuss the plot a bit. This story comes right out of the Syfy Channel playbook- Natives create a monster to kill invaders, it goes crazy and then they have to stop it. It's basically the same plot as Aztec Rex or Manticore, although the story goes back to that of the original Golem. Unlike Lady Terminator, this movie is about a magical knife, but it is not the key to killing the creature per se. To find out what is and just what hurts the movie, read on...

It all begins with a woman running in the Woods. This is the typical Syfy Opening...but there's no monster. She's also not dead, but more on that in a Poor Bastards of Cinema induction later.

A group of people go out into the Woods to find a dagger. The problem- the villagers go all Phantom on them and don't play nice. The other problem- the trees are alive and trying to kill people. See the problem I have with this movie yet?

This movie has some interesting characters- not all, but a few- and a decent structure. Hell, the CG effects are generally handled well. It's just stuff like this...

Focus, focus. Things take a turn when the conflict escalates. The man behind the expedition goes in himself- see above- and goes a bit crazy. You're out there for two hours and you go nuts? Pansy. Bye, lady.

As you probably guessed, the day is saved thanks to, well, murder. Seriously, just stab a guy to death and everything will be alright. That's a good lesson, right? The worse thing- ending on a shitty-ass green screen effect. The End.

I think I can get down to the root of the problem. This movie has a lot of good points. The acting is generally-good, the characters feel real and they make great use of a limited, jungle locale. I like the effects too, as they usually seem pretty realistic. This is not Avatar or anything, but it's good. While the plot is pretty basic and run-of-the-mill, it is functional and plays a bit differently than you might expect. Plot twists come the hell out of nowhere, including the Natives just kind of accepting the people they were trying to sacrifice mere hours earlier! Here's the bad stuff: the green screen effects are awful. I mean, wow! Did they finish the movie and then hire a different company to do those effects? I can't believe that the same people did both. While the movie is nothing great or unique, it's a generally-good and entertaining Syfy film. On that standard, it's great. On any other standard, it's a 'eh, you can do worse.' Sorry for the split-decision...

Up next, a killer who will wrap your knuckles quite fierce! Brian Yuzna is on-board, so look for this to be weird and confusing though. Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Killer Bees (2000)

2012-01-19T17:03:00.000-05:00

Hiking is not a safe thing to do in movies. Remember when that random guy got stabbed to death by the heroes of Don't Go in the Woods? This is another example...from Japan.

In Killer Bees, this random guy wanders onto the field where our heroines are hiding...from some bees.

He's out there when the bees attack again...for no clear reason. If you didn't read the review, you'll be amazed by their motivations. What could one bee do to...

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That has got to hurt! I guess he's...

Yeah, he's dead. He's very dead.

What role does this character play in the film? He shows up, hangs around for a few minutes and dies. He has no relation to the characters or their situations- he just shows up.

Next up, a two-part look at some Poor Bastards from today's review- Mandrake. The first one dies for the crime of...working in a camp. Stay tuned...

Strange Killers: Leeches

2012-01-18T23:55:00.007-05:00

After how much Maynard has suffered, this only seems fair. David DeCoteau is a Director who's not, you know, good. In the last ten years or so, he's spent his time making gay-centric horror and sci-fi films. His resume of such films includes Beastly Boyz and House of Usher. This guy has done what he can to shit all over the works of Edgar Allen Poe, including The Pit and the Pendulum and The Raven. This is not one of those films, but it does have the usual stink about it. Shirtless men- check. Slow, lingering shots of said men- check. Almost no plot or scares whatsoever- big check. I didn't exactly finish this movie, but I did make it farther than in Queen Cobra. Low standard? Well, this is a DeCoteau film, so that's appropriate. To find out if this film has anything more to it than shirtless men in Speedos, read on...

This is the cast. Given what you may know about DeCoteau or what the lead-in told you, are you surprised?

The titular leeches get on our heroes and grow to extra-large due to them being on steroids. They use them...to help them in swimming. That makes no sense.

The monsters in this movie are so cheap- they're hand puppets- and ineffective that the victims have to take themselves out. This guy, for example, slips in the shower and allows the creature to crawl in his mouth. Speaking of crawling...

...am I the only one disturbed by this shot of the 'leech' crawling across this guy's ass? Considering the fact that these are obviously hand-puppets...

For all of you heterosexual males that may still be reading, here's a palette cleanser for you. This is part of a scene in which one of our heroes imagines his girlfriend's reaction to the side-effect of his steroid abuse...in a dream. That was pointless, but, for once, thank you.

Fast-forwarding a bit, more people die. Do you really care? I mean, this film's whole point was to show shirtless guys and they just built a 'plot' around it. Can you salvage this, movie?

...no, I don't think so. Let's just wrap this up, shall we? The End...

...or is it. Buff Nerd keeps his sample leech for future experiments. Good luck with that sequel...to this movie from 2003. The *real* End.

Buy a damn shirt! This movie is a pretty bare-bones exercise in male cheesecake. There's nothing wrong with it, provided that you're into this kind of thing. For me, I'm not. That's all fine and dandy, I suppose. That said, if you want to make softcore porn, why don't you make, you know, softcore porn. Instead, DeCoteau continues to make many, many gay-centric horror films. How can you take this serious when one of the plots involves 'a group of hunky guys' that discover that 'their fraternity was built on top of a haunted insane asylum.' Really? Really? If you're into this sort of thing, more power to you. The problem is that the actual plot is not good. The acting is not good. The production values are, well, you get the idea. If you like shitty movies being made towards your demographic, DeCoteau has you covered. Time to give Maynard more material for Project Terrible: Round 5. Since fair is fair, I'll leave you with this flip on my usual stinger...

Next up, the trees fight back against invaders. Prepare to see the best special effects...followed by the worst. Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: The Swarm

2012-01-17T11:03:00.000-05:00

My source for these bizarre posters- the Internet- is usually good about labeling the foreign posters, which is a great service. Others are labeled as numbers, which makes things difficult. Case in point...

While you can see the bees...kind of, this thing is a confusing blob. Is that a person in the background? Is this a more twisted version of Naked Lunch?

Next up, a look at some twisted Alejandro Jodorowsky posters. Yes, they can be weirder than the films. Stay tuned...

Strange Killers: Queen Cobra

2012-01-16T23:58:00.028-05:00

Alright, I admit- I gave up. I gave up fast. To put this into context, consider that I watched all of the following movies in full: Hobgoblins II, Death Racers, Rasen and Jaws in Japan. Hell, I've given up on some films in the past- i.e. Flesh Gordon 2- but I lasted longer than this. My previous record I think is The Skeleton Key 2: 667- The Neighbor of the Beast at 15 minutes. This movie- five minutes. No, really. The opening of this film is so bad that I just plain gave up on it. With an experience that bad, I'd normally just not bother- like with Morgana and The Bloody Ape- but I feel the need to warn you. If you had no idea about this movie, you might think that this movie could be interesting. It's not. You have to see just how terrible (lower case 't') this film truly is, read on...

The film begins In Media Res...kind of. Having skimmed to The End, this scene doesn't occur. Anyhow, the film begins with the scientist killing this creature...

...this thing. Why...why do you show that thing in full? Do you really think that this crap is good? Was this creature designed for and by blind people?!?

As if you needed any more incentive, this is what substitutes for the mad scientist's lab. You can't just put a tarp up- that's not a room! See what I mean? The End.

No, I'm not going to finish you! I don't go into most movies looking to hate them, provided that they aren't Transformers sequels. This movie just hurt me from the get-go and I gave up. Can you blame me? I've sat through so many shit movies that I can tell when I've seen the best/worst part. It's like being a Wine Connoisseur, only with terrible Direct-to-DVD movies. Quite frankly, I'd be amazed if a lot of you made it past the title card showing the subtitle 'Snakes on a College Campus.' I wouldn't blame you. The bottom line here is that this movie just fails right from the get-go. If you blow your engine pulling out of the driveway, you're just not going on that trip. This movie is just...just awful. Unless Godzilla shows up to battle Dracula in a giant mech-suit, I can feel safe in never addressing this movie again. If my five minutes of agony can save you from this crap, I'll feel like I did a good deed. That face...hurts...

Next up, I take a break from making other people watch David DeCoteau films and watch one myself. Naturally, it's full of shirtless young men...and killer leeches. Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win Special: Blackenstein

2012-01-16T16:08:00.000-05:00

In honor of this government-mandated holiday- on which I still had to work-, I decided to forgo the planned update and do this one instead...

That's...certainly something. Kudos for the lack of false advertising. That monster...is certainly something, right?

On the plus side, I now own a film called Abbar: Black Superman. Could it be better than this film? Only time will tell, but a man can Dream, can't he?

Moon Over Miami: Josh Kirby, Time Warrior- Planet of the Dino-Knights

2012-01-14T12:42:00.000-05:00

Full Moon- for kids! This 1995 film is part one of a six-part serial attempting to make Full Moon films for a younger audience. This is the same company that would make the Evil Bong trilogy years later, mind you. This is the same company that only a few years earlier had a movie where Puppets killed Nazis. This is the same company that had two films of the same Puppets fighting demons from another dimension. This is the same company that...well, you get the idea. On the plus side, this is one of the few things in the Full Moon Videozone that actually came to be. Sorry, Puppet Wars- you don't exist. So what is this film series about? It's about an old man who travels through time and teams up with a warrior woman and a kid to stop an evil time-traveler. Yeah, it's Doctor Who. There's a story arc called 'The Key To Time,' which is basically the same story. Don't believe me? See for yourself. Plagiarism of a nearly 20 year-old story aside, this could still be good.To see if this attempt at an all-ages tale can work, read on...

Full Moon insults the audience right off the bat by explaining the entire plot- and showing clips of what you will see later- in the first five minutes. It then proceeds to show you...well, the plot. Is that more insulting to kids or to me?

Basically, some good scientist split this Deus Ex Machina into 6 parts and sent them to different parts of time and space. He takes this kid along for the ride as they chase the evil guy in his Time Travel Robot Suit. No, really.

The first planet they go to is basically the plot of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves...but with dinosaurs. They were given to him by the evil scientist. Um, how?

This is a warrior woman from another time. How did she get there? Um...I don't know. Oh yeah, she's also Leela, a Doctor Who companion.

This is the evil villain. He's...pretending to be a Wizard. I guess if you can make Dinosaurs appear with your single-person time-travel device, you must be.

He's definitely not Prince John. Not in the slightest. Moving on...

Is this sub-plot involving a redhead forced to marry Not Prince John being jealous of him now wanting to marry Not Leela important? No, not really.

The movie actually ends without the real climax. Instead, Josh Kirby finds another 'dragon' to battle the T-Rex held by Not Prince John. Here's the problem: his Dinosaur is not a carnivore. Also...

...it changes color. See you in the next Chapter...assuming I ever bother. The *kind of* End.

Even for kids, this is a bit lame. The whole thing feels both too big and too little. They have a simple enough premise, but the idea of having multiple planets and such is something they clearly can't handle. Considering that the second chapter is a rip-off of Wizards and/or The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, that's pretty clear. It's too little because the plot breaks down to something really generic: go here, find that. The characters are not nuanced in the slightest. Our hero is just some kid whose body apparently kills watches. Yeah, I'm sure that's going to be important in Part 6, but it's just so silly in Part 1. Furthermore, the series plays real fast-and-loose with admittedly-vague conceptions of how time-travel works. Why doesn't Kirby just go back home? Well, that's because the evil scientist showing up rewrote time and now the whole city is overrun with lava. No, really. Who raises a kid in New Pompeii anyhow? More importantly, a good chunk of this movie is filler, not even counting the five minute opening showing us stuff that we're already going to see. It's possible that the other parts are better, but I'm not holding out much hope. If you want to see something cheesy and totally unique for Full Moon though, this definitely qualifies. I'll leave you with this 'all-ages' scene- someone peeping on Not Leela in the bath...

Up next, more Strange Killers. First up, a movie so bad that I gave up after five minutes- see why! Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Demonic Toys 2

2012-01-13T23:58:00.008-05:00

After nearly twenty years, who still wants to play with those things? Where was the demand for a second Demonic Toys film? I don't know about you, but I saw the last two crossover films and those were pretty lame. Let's try to approach it with a fresh outlook though. This is not a sequel to an average movie, but a brand new film...by Full Moon. This is probably still not going to be good. This film takes places X years later and features a rich guy looking for another doll. Given the series' penchant for introducing new dolls for one film and never bringing them back, I'm sure this doll has a bright future ahead of it! As I mentioned in a previous review, the film connects to another Full Moon film- Hideous. Did anyone- other than Carl (ILHM) see this one? It came out in 1997 and is currently O.O.P. on Netflix. Was I supposed to track that down before watching this one? Yeah, I'm not doing that. To find out how much sillier this can get, read on...

In the movie's opening, a random person puts the toys back together. Not the Bear, of course, since that thing was cool and too expensive to make again.

This man is apparently the rich guy from Hideous. He dies in that movie, but screw that noise. Nice face.

I'm amazed that I missed this shitty green screen shot when I first saw it. I mean, wow. Sure brings back memories...

This is Divoletto, an old toy that looks demonic. The thing looks neat, but doesn't talk and serves to just sort of ape what the baby doll does. Those whirring noises get old too.

Remember how the original film involved a demon using the toys as part of his plan? Well, this film kind of does that...but the evil lady also takes over a woman...who the toys then try to kill. Confused?

Character actor Leslie Jordan is here to act like Truman Capote and get killed. Bonus points for ripping off the death from Final Destination 3. Sad.

The movie gets all 'Holy Shit- What the Hell is that?!?' in the end when a Demon crawls out of a well. This doesn't end with two kids fighting? Gasp!

Unfortunately, the Toys are killed within seconds during the final fight. They get their heads put in a box...since you'd want to keep the toys that killed five people. The End.

Go ahead and close that toy chest. I wanted to like this movie. Granted, every other Demonic Toys film I'd seen before was not good. I should also mention that I watched this one first, since Full Moon is not huge on continuity anyhow. To further illustrate my indifference to this movie, I watched on the same night as Evil Bong 2: King Bong...and fell asleep after forty-odd minutes. I finished the movie the next day, but the damage was done. Here's the problem: the Toys are just out-shined by everything else in the film. The movie has about six major things going on simultaneously, as opposed to focusing on the battle between the Toys and our heroes. No, we get sub-plots like Final Guy likes Final Girl, Midget Psychic talks to a spirit and Gold-Digging Wife is having an Affair with a Cowboy. Yes, a Cowboy. These Toys are just kind of there, even with Full Moon getting a very-minor celebrity to voice the baby doll (who I refuse to name). These characters are Supporting Actors in their own film. The movie is full of silly moments, including a bit where the Demon crawling out of the well makes 'stone blocks' bend by leaning on them. When a film can't even put their own sub-title on the opening scene, I just have to make this face...

Next up, something completely different. It's Full Moon's foray into all-ages entertainment...but it's really Doctor Who. Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Sleepaway Camp

2012-01-13T10:50:00.000-05:00

As if you didn't know, Sleepaway Camp is the revenge tale of Angela. Many of her victims are complete assholes who, to be fair, bring some reprisal on themselves. These victims, however, feel a bit different...

After being tossed in the water and humiliated, Angela is led away by her cousin. Some kids decide to throw sand at her. This leads to...

...them being killed in their sleep with an axe! That's a bit much, don't you think?!?

The moral here: be nice to everyone at all times, even if you don't know any better. One of them may have no sense of scale and just straight up Lizzy Borden your ass!

Next up, a man learns that it's not safe to hike in Japan. Oh yeah, there are bees. Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Demonic Toys

2012-01-12T23:01:00.000-05:00

Can an older Full Moon film be better than their recent fare? To determine that, let's take a look at Demonic Toys. This movie was so influential that it got a sequel...17 years later. Granted, the characters appear in Dollman vs. Demonic Toys and Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys. However, those films are hardly considered canon, the later officially so. This is coming from a studio that randomly brings characters back from other films- i.e. the scientist from Hideous showing up in Demonic Toys 2- and merging series' in weird ways- connecting Head of the Family and Blood Dolls. Putting that aside, can this movie turn out to be good? Well, the plot is a bit confusing, as it involves a demon baby, a bear doll and a guy who sells fried chicken. What else can I say? Well, I'll think of something, so why don't you read on...

The film begins with an engaged couple getting ready to do an undercover gun bust. Are you allowed to work together? Furthermore, does your girlfriend telling you that she's pregnant signal your imminent death? Maybe...

This is a fat guy. He does fat guy thinks like sit around, watch Puppet Master and eat fried chicken at midnight. Now you see why Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys is not canon, huh?

Wounded, one half of the criminal crawls right into this lit area to get killed by the Toys. Fun fact: that's Richard Lynch's kid, who was also in Trancers II.

The villain of this movie is a Demon who likes to take the form of a child with a dubbed voice. They really think that this is scary...

The fat guy gets shot by a baby doll and bitten to death by an evil teddy bear. I should mention that this film is meant to be scary and not a comedy.

Via flashback, we learn that the Demon was born in 1926, but died. Naturally, the Satanic Doctors (my future band name) dump the body on some trick-or-treaters, who dump the body in a lot. Fun Fact: this tradition was invented in the 1950s! Hi, plot-hole.

With things going his way, the Demon/Kid prepares a ceremony to get himself born in place of the cop's fetus. Quick question: what's so different about this time that it will work?

After 80-plus minutes of build-up, the movie comes down to a fight between two ten-year olds. Can you say disappointing? Oh and the kid is our heroine's unborn child. The End.

This is nothing to toy around with! This movie is certainly full of good ideas, but I'm not so keen on how they were executed. The toys are neat in theory, for example. They look a lot like real toys, only with a more sinister twist. Jack Attack- the Jack in a Box- has some neat make-up work done to it and its only real blemish is that it's pretty much the same make-up used for Killjoy. However, I don't really see a lot of threat from these guys. They even resort to having the baby doll use a gun to kill someone. Hell, in their first real kill, it takes them a long, damn time to kill Lynch's son! Furthermore, how does the robot doll fire real lasers? Is it a magical thing? If so, what kind of demon power makes the advanced mechanics needed to create light, focus it and fire it as a projectile. It's silly- that's all I'm saying! The scariest things in the movie are these weird little girls who wear gas masks and ride tricycles around. Unfortunately, they don't do anything more than ride around and point, eventually just vanishing completely. I did like what they did with the bear near The End, but it was Edited so heavily to cover the suit's flaws that it kind of ruins it. Ultimately, this is a decent film with decent ideas that could have used some better execution and more money behind it. Do you think that the sequel will fix these problems, random screenshot from the movie?

Next up, the actual sequel to Demonic Toys. A random character from another film joins for this movie and the budget goes to shit. Stay tuned...

Impossibly Ripped-Off Cover Art: Alien Armageddon

2012-01-11T19:30:00.000-05:00

There's always someone looking to make a quick buck. This Direct-to-DVD film is no exception. See what looks familiar to you...

Recognize that pose? If you don't, here is the poster that they're stealing from...

That's amazingly-lame! As a bonus, I'm sure that you noticed that the movie tries to act like a sequel to Battle: Los Angeles as well. Double rip-off!

In case you're wondering, it's actually a sequel to Nephilim. Don't be ashamed- nobody saw it!

Moon Over Miami: Evil Bong 2- King Bong

2012-01-11T12:00:00.000-05:00

Another one of these...ugh. Thanks to Moviestop- my source for movies that I have no business owning- I got this movie. It was part of an 8-film set on two discs, alongside such films as Doll Graveyard and Demonic Toys 2. Is it any better? Well, no. Are you surprised? More often than not, Full Moon sequels find a way to make even a decent idea bad. The re-casting and random shadow powers from Subspecies 2 or the Jack Deth's teenage bride plot from Trancers II come to mind. According to a fellow critic, the third Evil Bong film- why not?- is even worse than this. Thank you, Law of Diminishing Returns! First off, I should mention that Allistair has been re-cast (don't know why) and his love interest is not here. The latter is explained via lazy writing, which also allows for Robin Sydney to be back for only a glorified cameo. Don't worry- the asshole Grandpa is back though, even though his scenes added jack shit to the original movie. To find out how silly this film's subtitle is, read on...

The movie spends the first few minutes recapping the previous film. All of the clips, mind you, are being displayed on the villain's 'body.' Here's where it gets really 'meta'...

Some vague time after the first movie, our heroes are all experiencing symptoms like the ones you get from smoking pot, albeit exaggerated. Allistair is immune, however, since...um, his actor wouldn't put on a fat suit, I guess.

They eventually go to South America to find where the Evil Bong- now called Eebee- came from. Naturally, they bring along the Delivery Man, because...um, he's weird.

Do you believe for a second that this 'establishing shot' is from anywhere near where the movie was filmed? Didn't think so.

The Delivery Man- aka Rabbit- is the first victim of King Bong, who doesn't bother to appear until nearly an hour in. He's got good company at least...

Not to question the prop department, but how could anyone have ever taken King Bong anywhere? Isn't the point of the evil bongs to get into people's houses and kill them? Who could even store that thing?

Remember that joke from Scary Movie 2 where the guy is rolled up into a 'doobie' by a killer tree? Well, this is basically the same joke...only many years later. Nice Fly reference though.

Will our heroes be able to stop the giant bong and his topless ladies? Well, duh. The End.

This would be bad even if you were high. The film is just so full of failed attempts at humor that it's almost a little sad. The guy in a fat suit- been done. The stoner who keeps passing out- what's the joke? Rabbit and that damn face- good grief! I can't even begin to explain how grating this movie was for me. Any aspect of horror that was in the first film- the Monster Bras- is pretty much excised from this movie. Even the random cameos are gone. At least those could distract me from the 'plot' for a brief moment. As a side note, I skipped over the cameo of Phil Fondacaro as his character from Decadent Evil in the original film. How was he in the bong if he was dead? This is just an example of Full Moon's slapping of logic in the face. Why make another Evil Bong? When you end the movie with the villain blowing up and everyone living happily ever after, you can stop. To end this properly, let me explain to you how the Credits go. King Bong talk/sings over them in a 'song' called 'Vagina Juice.' No, really. My brain hurts and so will yours. I'll leave you with this badly-timed transition screenshot...

Next up, another pair of Full Moon films, this time with no pot. Instead, we get an evil kid and a giant teddy bear. Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Starman

2012-01-10T13:17:00.000-05:00

A cult classic can be good or bad. In Starman's case, it's good. However, this poster does not make the case for it...

Is this movie about a bunch of gears? Is it about a robot clown? Is it about blue people trapped in time? What is this?!?

Next up, a film about killer bees from the 1970s. Mind you, the poster is so strange that it took me months to figure that out! Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Evil Bong

2012-01-10T12:14:00.001-05:00

Alright, let's get this pain over with. There's no way that this was going to be good. While I always hope that a movie will turn out good, there was just no way that this one would be. First off, it's a Full Moon film, so I set my bar at the appropriate level. I like stuff like Trancers II, but they put out more shit than a manure factory. Secondly, it's more Comedy than Horror. If they can't handle a proper horror film have of the time, how can they handle this? Never mind that it's so specific a Sub-Genre (the Pot Comedy) that it only appeals to a small demographic to begin with. So with the deck fairly stacked against this movie, let me discuss it a bit. It's about an evil bong. Wow, that didn't take long. There's slightly-more going on here however, which I will get into in a moment. To enjoy the smell of rancid bong water properly, read on...

This is a Stoner. This is a Stoner in a Charles Band movie. That clock in the background always says 4:20. Any questions?

They eventually buy the titular object, getting it delivered by a guy who played a random character in Trancers II. Ha- see what I did in the Intro now? Random!

Speaking of which, this movie is full of random cameos. Considering the plot is just these idiots getting high and being killed by strippers in Monster Bras, I can waste plenty of time here. First, we have Ooga Booga from Doll Graveyard.

Oddly, the Jock from that movie who was killed by the same doll is also in Evil Bong, but isn't in the scene with Ooga. How did you mess that opportunity up, Charles?

The Gingerdead Man- not voiced by Gary Busey- is here too. That's one Full Moon franchise I'm not sad to see O.O.P....

Even Jack Deth shows up, 12 years after legitimately appearing in one of his films (and four years after this crap). How? Did Jack smoke the bong too? If so, why does he just kind of leave? Hello?!?

Tommy Chong- before his stop in prison- is here as the bong's original owner. Not to give Full Moon ideas, but why have they not made a prequel about his experience with it in the '60s? It can't be worse than the sequels are!

In The End, our heroes escape the Bong thanks to a Deus Ex Machina in the form of 'anti-weed' pills that Chong has. Why would he have those again? He blows himself up...from inside the Bong and dies...I guess. The other guys- they all live...after dying in the Bong. Excuse me!

However, Chong lives on in the Bong...which he blew up. He also plays with the formerly-evil strippers and his toy cars. The *real* End.

You may want to forget this movie...like where you put your car keys. Let me get this obvious statement out of the way- I am not this film's main audience. Happy? Good. This movie is awful. Watching it completely-sober, it's a bad comedy with dumb effects, a stupid stupid story and no redeeming characters. Allistair would be that character, but he's written so broadly that he makes '90s John Goodman looks like '90s Oprah! This is so just stock that it should be sold on Wall Street! The characters are so dumb and annoying that...you get the drift. If you are the kind of person who this film is made for, I feel sorry for you. Not because of your drug of choice, but because of how people like Charles Band view you. He looks at you and thinks 'This is for them.' You poor guys. In all seriousness, I'm glad that films like this get made for a certain audience. I, however, am not that audience. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll continue to watch crap like this to make other people laugh. Take us away, actress who can't say no to Full Moon...

Next up, the film's sequel...ugh. I stumbled across this as part of DVD set...so you get to share my pain. Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: The Black Room

2012-01-09T18:46:00.000-05:00

A room can be a scary place. Hell, just look at the scariest room film of them all- The Room. This is not quite as scary...

I'm a bit confused, but certainly intrigued. What kind of landlord takes payment in blood? Is even Satan not doing too well these days?!?

Next up, a movie about people who fight with their feet. Oddly, this movie can't even get the name right! Stay tuned...