pebbles

A Week at Hope Centre

2013-03-18T12:56:00.001-04:00

Building relationships
a chance to support and see close up the daily ministry of dedicated people.
Morning coffee, breakfast, singing
wracking our brains to see if we are forgetting anything.
Sweet moments of quiet when we first arrive at Ebenezer Chapel
the hum grows, the excitement builds,
kids play tag, making paths through the gathering crowd.
I drive quickly to pick up some person or forgotten item.
Finally the noise is quieted,
we sing the old favorites "Go down Moses" or "You are My All in All"
Padre Peter calls attendance and the kids try to think of creative ways to answer.
We split into groups
the young children listen enraptured to Rachel's story telling
then try to copy her coloring page
the older boys and girls talk loudly upstairs, trying to be heard over the other groups echo.
Some read, haltingly or confidantly
some do their best to stay out of the spotlight
The questions are asked, four or five hands shoot up
Everyone wants to share their perspective or ask their question.
We talk about sin, shame, trust, goodness, salvation and living in the kingdom.
We hear of a King who creates, a King who we are separated from, a King who has coming and a King who is coming back.
Rachel comes upstairs for crafts and I go down for craziness
Glue, scissors, markers
marshmallows and memory games
The faster kids are done and want to play more tag while the others work
in the room full with 40 kids.
I threaten some and give others work to do until we can get everything out of the way.
Red Light - Green Light, What time is it Mr Wolf, Simon says...
Snack is announced and our helpers are mobbed.
We remind the kids to sit down one or seventeen times and I hear of sneaky children who have managed to acquire three times the allotted amount of cookies.
They leave in handfuls, except for Amy and Dwani, our "helpers-in-training" who work hard of their own initiative until things are clean.
Home again, we eat lunch, talk through the morning, then leave for round two.
Hope Centre is quiet and relaxed compared to Gore Rd, although somehow tag has a universal appeal.
We make sheets into islands and run from the sharks.
Not too many kids are here, but we get to know the ones that are.
Kushdeep does his best to make the other laugh, but never wants to stop singing and helps vacuum at the end.
Only one older girl is here, so after memory work the helpers who have grown up in children's classes join us for the lesson and craft.
They laugh and my typos and we talk about the difference between rules and relationship
Catholicism and Christianity
What to do if you are in love with someone who is not a Christian,
What to do if you must choose between Christ and your family
What it means to trust
How to share the gospel with friends
Why Christianity is not a white man's religion
How to explain the Trinity....
We are real and honest with each other and I am so thankful for this God given opportunity.
More crafts with the kids, Nyah says" I bet nobody is having as much fun as we are." and soon
another day of classes is finished.
The evening is spent at Zekvelds
or maybe a trip to the local Sikh temple.
Sitting cross legged on the carpet, discussing all manner of things pertaining to religion
Indian food, tea and french fries, group pictures
and an overwhelming sense of sadness a the emptiness of religion without Christ.
Joy at the richness of what we've been given.
My faith is encouraged and I remember again just how close this God is whom we worship.
Another night we visit Padre Peter and Simi Nathaniel
She cooks delicious food but leaves out some spices for our white dutch taste buds.
He makes us sing for him and laugh at ourselves and recruits us to clean up his garden next summer.
Games, laughter and last minute preparation at the Zekvelds, then we settle down.
High points, low points, reading and prayer; we encourage each other in the things we are learning
and challenge each other as we seek to apply this mission mindedness to the ordinary lives we live.
Sleep is sweet and much needed
we close our eyes in the blessed peace
of being small people
privileged servants of a great King
Excited for another day of
watching Him work.

2013-01-31T14:21:00.001-05:00

Living the guilt trip Christianity
Not enough evangelism
Not enough service
Loving the pampered life of comfort
Yet hating the fact that I love it

What am I doing with all this I've been given?
Why me? Why I am I not suffering?
Why am I just taking and taking and taking

I should be praying more
I should be doing more devotions
Building more relationships
Investing more in my church
Should
Should
Should

Living the guilt trip
Missing the point
As if "feeling bad enough"
counts for some sort of righteousness

So What?

What if I "do" more?
What if I give my entire life over
to easing my guilty conscience?

What if I bestow all my goods to feed the poor
and give my body to be burned?

only to stand before a Stranger God who says

"In all your doing
you never knew Me

in all your seeking
you never sought Me.

Yes my blood was poured out for you
I gave you complete remission

and you took it, accepted it
ate the bread and drank the wine

Then walked away from the open door
of the Holy of Holies
to spend the rest of your life
running around in circles
trying to pay Me back"

Where is the Person in my purpose?

The thank You in my obedience?

Oh Heart where is your Worship?

And still I am the chosen.
The bought back
The royal child
The spotless bride
The new creation

And His words ring loud across the whole of this groaning creation
and my groaning heart

FEAR NOT my beloved
for I have redeemed you

I have called you by my name
And you are Mine.

Daleth

2012-11-08T11:28:00.000-05:00

Election days
people speak and speculate
cling to a fantasy
of something to put their faith in

Homeless men sleep the streets
choosing freedom
autonomy
city cage loneliness

Seven billion people
making their mark
kicking up what dust they can
and it coats my lungs and my heart
and where do you begin with all this?

I ask my questions and declare my ways
You answer with
this bigger, simpler truth that is
beyond understanding
and say "Trust Me."
"Obey Me."

I choose it
and I will choose it again
but it lies heavy on my soul
and I cry out
because
dependence is not for the weak.

Lord let me love this truth of Yours
let me run in it
rest in it
crawl in it
dependence is not for the lazy

I will not wait for the strength of heart
or I will sit in my fear forever
I will run the course of Your commandments
in the confidence of Your provision
today's obedience
today's grace
"For You shall enlarge my heart."

2012-11-02T13:53:00.004-04:00

"There is no music in a rest,
but there is the making of music in it.

In our whole life-melody, the music is broken off here and there by "rests," and we foolishly think we have come to the end of time. God sends a time of forced leisure - sickness, disappointed plans, frustrated efforts - and makes us a sudden pause in the choral hymn of our lives and we lament that our voices must be silent, and our part missing in the music which ever goes up to the ear of the Creator. How does the musician read the rest? See him beat time with unvarying count and catch up the next note true and steady, as if no breaking place had come between.

Not without design does God write the music of our lives. But be it ours to learn the time and not be dismayed at the "rests." They are not to be slurred over, nor to be omitted, not to destroy the melody, not to change the keynote. If we look up, God Himself will beat time for us. With the eye on Him we shall strike the next note full and clear."

- John Ruskin

2012-08-17T22:38:00.003-04:00

How often do we give thanks
for the levels of seratonin
and the chemical balances in our brains?

For the ability to see in color
to experience the vibrant sensations of pleasure?

The day may come when
through no choice of our own
we cannot feel these things.

Lord teach me to choose joy
now, while it is easy
teach me the conscious act of gratitude
the cultivation of worship,
with or without emotion.

May the difference between
my selfish, needy heart
and every act of praise
be the story of
recreation
the measure of Your glory.

2012-08-06T23:22:00.002-04:00

It's almost
a guilty goodness
to sit here and
drink deep
while daddies rape their daughters
and the world pours blood
on it's hate fires

Gut wrenching grace
begging to be
poured out
worship
in gratitude

in action

2012-08-03T22:52:00.002-04:00

There are moments
when your history hits you
the staggering imbalance of
blessing and blessing
and more blessing
Moments when goodness drips
from the pores of life itself and gratitude
is easy
Moments when uncertainty itself is no enemy
but a promise of growth and adventure.
When, if you stare closely enough
at anything in your life
there is a little inscription in the corner

"with love, from Dad."

2012-07-09T10:07:00.001-04:00

Oh Lord, You have searched me
You are no stranger to
the wordless thoughts
the dirty, unswept corners
the feeble workings of love
the great expanses of doubt and uncertainty.

In my nakedness You have known me
You ask me to trust.

The airplane lights blink on the evening sky
my heart leaps at the thought of
freedom
but it is momentary because
no man leaves his fear behind
as he soars off into the sunset
no man escapes himself

and those who are freest
are those who are lonely

because community means
commitment
and to love is to be bound.

Is there freedom in shackles?
Identity in giving up your own?
In vulnerability
letting go of control

being searched and known
adopted, brought in, renamed

Love perfected among us
because as He is
so are we in this world.

Abiding
Dwelling
Resting
In Him

A child is tossed into the air
delighted, laughing at her lack of control
because Daddy's arms are
so close.

fireflies

2012-06-25T21:43:00.000-04:00

Something I wrote last summer... and it's still happening

The nights are warmer now. The fireflies shimmer

and sparkle across the field; their dance like gentle laughter

and the hum of contentment.

The world is just as beautiful as ever, but some days

my eyes are open wider.

Lord wake me up to Your presence.

The fireflies flicker on and off, regardless

of their audience.

The subtle harmonies of creation sing

whether or not I am listening

Like the grace that winds itself through

my life - sometimes imperceptible

often forgotten, but

always present

always redeeming, always testifying

never silent.

Communion

2012-05-19T00:09:00.006-04:00

Who was the guilty?
Who brought this upon Thee?

The bread is small and light
The burden heavy on my soul

T'was I Lord Jesus
I it was denied Thee

"Take, eat...remember."

Must I?

I cannot refuse Him and
the bread is thick and dry between my teeth.

I crucified Him?

Psalm 23 resonates
heart-wrenching irony

The Lord is my Shepherd
I shall not want
He makes me to lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside still waters.

I am the naked emperor
the fearful pharisee
the reluctant beggar

The sheep wander and bleat their foolish independence
but even the most stubborn knows
the sound of the Shepherd's voice.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
pursue me
drag me kicking and screaming
to the table

The wine goes down easier
it burns warm inside

Christ in me
Me in Christ

For as the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the the vine,
neither can you unless you abide in Me.

In His sacrifice. In forgiveness. In communion.

In the house of the Lord

forever.

2012-05-07T22:06:00.001-04:00

watching words
scatter
    across the                  page
                  across
      my            day
          whirling
                   swirling
                                polite words
                        chatter
    conversation
        advice
                                                opinion
                         hope
            thanksgiving
                                      complaining
                                   venting
             awkward
                  honest
          open
   picture words
                                praise words
   silent words
lonely words us words
me                                                  ask
    my                                       know
I                                                      remember
feel                                              sorry
   want                                       encourage
think                                              pursue
   mine                                         need
need                                              move
myself                                     learn
me                                                    forgive
should have                                 change
I                                                        thank
                                                   pray
dump words                                      love words

so many               words
                                 words
                     words
                                     words
                              words

and once in a while
                        one
                    or two
land

     and who you are is
          a little different

2012-04-21T22:55:00.000-04:00

Struggling these days to learn
Repentance
in a life filled with guilt.
How could I fail again?
I knew better than that!
Will people ever trust me again?
why can't this ugliness be erased
so people will think well of me
so God will think well of me.
But sin is a permanent past
my guilt, regret and self loathing
my prison.
Sin whispers
"oh, well... you've done it already
what difference does it make now?"
Pride shouts
"Stop it. Stop it right now!
Turn over a new leaf and be perfect.
You can do it."
so I run to catch up with my Cross Bearer
beg to take the burden out of His hands
but mine cannot hold it
because they are holding hammers.
The nails go down deep in His hands.
Face to face with my filth I understand
This is not the story of a good woman
who makes some mistakes
this is blood covered death and rebirth
Baby sized dependence.
The blind, lame, deaf and dumb
crying "Rabbi! Teacher! Master!"
This is resurrection morning
the impossibility of new life
the reality of perfection
It is Finished.

2012-02-27T10:59:00.000-05:00

How often have you said it?

"How are you?" (Not because I really care, but I want to start a conversation somehow.)
"How are you?" (Even though I am walking past and I don't really have a chance to hear the answer.)
"How are you?" (But please don't dump on me know. I don't have the energy to hear all your problems.)

How often have you said it?

"Fine thanks." (Because I don't really want you to know the truth - you might be disappointed in me.)
"I'm good thanks." (Until the next temptation comes along and I am drowning in the undertow.)
"I'm ok." (Though an hour ago I was crying on my bed.)
"I'm fine." (Because I don't want you to know my problems - you might be just a little smug.)
"I'm good." (I don't trust you.)

Is this why we are so lonely?

If

2012-01-28T14:43:00.001-05:00

If
I can hurt another by speaking
faithfully without much prepara-
tion of spirit,
and without hurting myself far
more than I hurt that other,
then i know nothing of Calvary love.

If
I am afraid to speak the truth, lest I
lose affection,
or lest the one concerned should
say, "You do not understand,"
or because I fear to lose my
reputation for kindness;
if I put my own good name before
the other's highest good,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If
I am content to heal a hurt slightly,
saying "Peace, peace," where is
no peace;
if I forget the poignant work "Let
love be without dissimulation"
and blunt the edge of truth,
speaking not right things but
smooth things,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.

- Amy Carmichael

2012-01-10T23:07:00.000-05:00

Another year has dawned
over the warm laughter of friends
whispered prayers
resonating chorus of praise
Another year has dawned
in a frenzy of excitement and hope
tears and bittersweet thanksgiving
new chapters, new promises
silver snowflakes
a God who is faithful
Another year has dawned
full with love that transcends
time
distance
the pain and beauty of change
wraps us snugly in the security
of the unknown
drinking in the joy of His grace.

Taking Time

2012-01-02T20:17:00.002-05:00

Wind it down
Ceiling fan dances it's flickering patterns
Fire warmth sinks it's way
Through layers of a still heart
Penetrating peace
Rocking slow with people you love
One moment is a bite of
Something sweet
Taste
Savor

so much bigger

2011-11-07T21:39:00.000-05:00

My heartbeat drums the ground in steady rhythm
be still
be still
be still
my thoughts fly like hundreds of puzzle clouds
slowly drifting together on the night sky.
The expanse begs to swallow me but the
cold unevenness of the ground remind me
I belong here
the rough stubbled stalks of corn harvest tell my fingers
I am alive
The night air is crisp on my face
promising winter soon
The silent stars laugh at my fearful heart
because they have seen
and know that after snow comes sunshine.

2011-10-17T19:29:00.001-04:00

"You shall love the Lord your God
with all your heart
with all your soul
with all your strength
and you shall love your neighbor
as yourself."

Were these few words the sum of revelation the single expression of God's law,
they would consign every breathing being to a well deserved damnation.

You shall love

For the soul that has witnessed and fractionally understood the depth of cross-love it takes no more than these three words
to send us crashing to our knees.

You shall love

A craftsmanship of Spirit-work; a sword that pierces through every veiled visage of goodness
we are pained by it's glistening accuracy.

You shall love

"Love, Lord?" Our weak hearts cry
There is not room. There is not strength
"Lord, but ask for something else. Anything else. Labor, wealth, devotion, penance...
I cannot love. I know not how."

Oh Lord
Oh Lord have mercy

"Love,
yes love, child."

Not because it is in you
But because I am in you
Not because you know
but because you trust.

Not because you can
Because He is.

enough

2011-10-12T18:36:00.000-04:00

Provision in small doses
Keeps us returning
Keeps us close to the source.

2011-10-07T09:05:00.000-04:00

Come sit with me my friend
let's talk awhile
let's get to know each other
on more time
and marvel at the grace we have in common

Come walk with me, my friend,
let's share a while
I'll carry your burdens
you carry mine
we'll both step a little lighter

Come laugh with me, my friend,
let's take a while
find a moment or two
savor them
fill our memories with reasons to rejoice

Come sing with me, my friend
let's worship awhile
our differences lend themselves
to perfect harmony
tiny tastes of heaven
in a kingdom already begun

Love Hurts

2011-09-27T13:11:00.003-04:00

Love hurts like a mother praying for the souls of her children
Letting them go and crying inside
Like disowning all she has that was never hers at all
Then pouring her life out in trust

Love hurts like surrender.

Love hurts like two people scraping through layers of defenses
Choosing to love, and then love when it’s harder
Like naked vulnerability that presses open, throbbing hearts together
Learning to know and be known

Love hurts like forgiving.

Love hurts like telling the truth when a lie would be easy
Learning to trust and be bruised
Like pursuing and chasing and never giving up
On grace that is just enough

Love hurts like sticking it out.

Love hurts like a widow in an empty bed
The tears on her face as she laughs at her memories
Like the pain in her heart that she would not trade
For a lifetime of empty comfort

Love hurts like wanting home.

Love hurts like two wooden beams nailed against each other
A ring of twisted thorns digging into a sweaty forehead
Like all hell condensed into the span of hours
The bread and the wine and the blood washing over

Love hurts like resurrection.

2011-09-23T23:09:00.000-04:00

Sometimes action has to lead and motivation just lags behind like a spoiled child, waiting for some bit of bribery to tempt her into wholeheartedness.

Sometimes thoughts and ideas and hopes and dreams overwhelm your heart and paralyze your feet.

There are days when the sense of surety and rightness don't seem to fit into any of the equations but you just take the next step anyway because this is not your story.

Where does the cross lead me - today?
What expression can I find for thankfulness in these gifts I've been given?

The opportunity for worship is endless.
The time for worship is today. Right now.

Don't wait until you're feeling passionate, emotional and Spirit-led.
Take the next step.

"Commit your way to the Lord and your thoughts will be established." - Proverbs 16:3

God's way is not hidden from us - He wrote a 66 book letter about it.

Read it. Marvel. Trust.

Follow.

2011-09-15T09:41:00.001-04:00

So things get a little tricky because we like to say I trust You Lord but what we really mean is I trust you that it will turn out ok. I trust that You think my ideas are good too. I trust that even if they aren't You will work it out somehow that will be even better and easier and happier.

And then we are blown out of the water, we and sit there dripping and shivering and questioning because we did not understand that He doesn't promise things will work out the way we hope. He doesn't promise that we will always be happy if we are doing things right. He doesn't even promise that we will live above the poverty line or have decent kids or not lose everyone we love in a house fire.

He does promise Himself.

Trust is no tidy package. It is not a life insurance plan or a magic keyword for instant peace and solutions. It simply means, surrender. Stop holding the reins and start holding the Hand. Stop asking why and start following.

What you know of good will never be the same.

Contentment

2011-09-09T10:15:00.001-04:00

Willing to live differently
Extremely
To be pushed beyond all limits of yourself
to reach in His strength
for the prize of the upward calling

Willing to live normally
to cook breakfast and clean house
to live out faithfulness in drudgery
redeeming the little moments
for the prize of the upward calling

Willing to live richly
to spread His blessing into every corner
to own nothing and possess everything
to leave none untouched by generosity
for the prize of the upward calling

Willing to live responsibly
to count and recount and save and pinch
with a vision for something ahead
to know that blessed are the poor when their inheritance
is the prize of the upward calling

Willing to live ambitiously
to take risks, to make choices
to work hard to see things accomplished
to strain and strive and beat your body
to run hard for the prize of the upward calling

Willing to wait patiently
to live not in the past nor the future
but wholeheartedly in a present colored by eternity
to sit still and sit quiet and tell your heart that He is God
To keep on sitting still and quiet until your heart has listened
has rested
has Known
that He is God
He is good
His love is the upward calling.

Mission 2011

2011-08-22T08:49:00.000-04:00

There is hope in faithfulness
year after year of growing trust
growing excitement
growing maturity
Why did God choose his place?
Over ten years now
of perseverance in Okreek
Messy perseverance
weak and misguided perseverance
but somehow it would seem
His hand is in it.
There is hope in the little things
Dom with his questions
counting the cost.
Cassie, growing more and more out of her comfort zone.
Sarah's cabin and their desire
to learn how to pray
Justin - bruised and broken, but
learning how to smile.
All of these children
these precious children
just waiting to be born.
I wish we could say it better
show it better
but it is sweet sleep
to rest in His sovereignty
it is a humbling, trembling joy
to be used by Him
It is a rock solid hope
to serve a faithful God
a persevering God
a God who is
and is good.