LaLa Land

LaLa Guest Spot: Mark Victor Hansen Talks Niche Blogging!

2012-12-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

I am so excited to present to you a blog post written just for LaLa Land readers by entrepreneur and writer, Mark Victor Hansen, co-creator of Chicken Soup for the Soul!

Enjoy!

How to Make Your Blog a Brand in a Niche

There are many thousands of blogs and bloggers on the internet. But some of them are much more successful than others. What secrets have these bloggers incorporated into their work to be able to gain that success?

There are some things that have to be considered carefully when you want your blog to become one of the most popular in the world. First, you need to start by choosing your level of success. You need to decide how many followers you want – ten, thousand, hundred thousand or a million. This thought forms your goal and becomes the vision that drives you to do better. So, begin by dreaming.

"You’ll see the different approaches to
blogging that they undertake
and you will be able to choose one
that you think you can follow
to success." --Mark Victor Hansen

When it comes to the practical end of attaining your goal, you need to begin by choosing the model that works best for you. Blogging, like other businesses, can be undertaken in many ways. So how do you know the different options and how do you choose the one that’s most suitable to you? I’ll answer this question by telling you a personal story. I contacted the best speaker in the world, Cavett Robert, when I had decided to take up professional speaking. At his invitation, I attended his National Speaking Association and met a number of professional speakers. I spoke to them, asked them how they’d made it in the industry and recorded my conversations. I went over these recordings later until I could recognize the model that I could take up. That’s how I chose my model and that’s how bloggers can choose theirs. Join associations dedicated to the field of blogging and talk to experienced bloggers. You’ll see the different approaches to blogging that they undertake and you will be able to choose one that you think you can follow to success.

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The next aspect that’s as important as the model is the topic. You should avoid topics that have been done to death. Think of something new and innovative, something that’s a niche. You might equate a niche with something that caters to a small group, but the fact remains that if your blog is good, this niche can grow and you will be the brand of that niche because you were the one who made it something big. Chicken Soup for the Soul was one of the first few books that caused behavioral changes almost instantly in people, and there was a huge demand for it when people realized that they wanted that kind of inspiration. That’s what your blog can do too!

Dreaming is the first step in setting goals. Dream big and set fantastic goals that you will be inspired to work towards. Then, look for the model that suits your style and the topic that you think you can do justice to, and you’ll find yourself on the way to a successful blogging business.

"You can easily create the life you deserve."

- Mark Victor Hansen

Mark Victor Hansen’s latest book,

The Richest Kids In America: How They Earn It, How They Spend It, How You Can Too
teaches kids how to drive millions to their door as young entrepreneurs…
even before they can drive!

The Richest Kids in America book is a real-world study of amazing young entrepreneurs who acted on an idea and are now living their dreams as millionaires and large business owners. In this unique rags-to-riches twist, these self-made millionaires, ranging in age from 9 – 23, will teach YOU how to act on an opportunity and fill a need to create a viable, profit-making business.

And who better to tell their stories than Mark Victor Hansen, the Co-Creator behind a single dream that became the largest publishing empire in history, Chicken Soup for the Soul?

LaLa Says: eShakti Review

2012-10-16T23:25:00.002-04:00

LaLa Says......eShakti Dress Review!

I received this beautiful dress from eShakti (full disclosure: free of charge, specifically for review!) and I was immediately impressed. Shipping was fairly quick considering it came from India! I liked the workmanship, the dress was lined, which I wasn’t expecting and the fabric is very nice. The pattern contains a lot of colors and will go well with a variety of shoes and sweaters in my closet; versatility is a major plus!

Now, the cons are small things but still: the pattern is much darker than what was on the site. The site looked like a pale blue dress with a paisley pattern and clearly, this is a navy blue dress.

There is elastic on the sleeve holes, on the underside under your arm, which I didn’t see in the picture. I’m fussy about my clothes and their comfort: I’m not into anything that bunches or pulls, I don’t want to be tugging on something nonstop. I don’t sacrifice comfort for fashion very often at all. Elastic falls under that heading and frankly, what an odd place to stick some elastic! It doesn’t rub, thank God, but still, I’m never too keen on elastic. (and I know that’s personal and picky, but I texture issues, so if you do too, then carefully check the pics of the item over to make sure you like how the whole thing looks!)

There are these beautiful keyholes in the chest and back, but they are much longer than I thought they’d be and even with a backless strapless bra on, I could still see it peeking in the front. Not cool. I may have to get the keyholes stitched closed just a few stitches on the front, so my bra isn’t exposed.

Finally, this is promoted as tailored clothing, where hemlines and such can be adjusted. While the bodice fit me reasonably well, the length was way too long and I wish I could have asked for a shortened hem. Now I’m going to have to take it and pay to get it hemmed which can be tricky with lining.

Overall, I think this is a fantastic idea! They have a huge variety of clothing, a lot of very pretty and very modern designs that I have drooled over more than once---they just need to tweak the styles a little. Maybe it’s because I’m petite and I don’t have a long torso and the bustier woman with 3 inches on me tried this on and it fit perfectly—who knows? And it’s not like I got a poorly made item either, as I said, it was a lovely lined dress. And you’re not stupid, dear Readers, so you can read between the lines and discard what doesn’t apply to you! ;-)

Overall, I give eShakti a 5 star rating for effort and a 4 for the dress I personally received.

www.eshakti.com

xoxoxo,

P.S. Photography by my sister Kate; awkward posing is all mine.

LaLa Books: Review of The Exile by Diana Gabaldon

2012-10-14T16:59:00.000-04:00

The Exile by Diana Gabaldon:
An Outlander Graphic Novel

When you’re a huge fan of a series, you often take the characters any way you can get them; this is why fan fiction is so popular and spin-offs and video games, etc, etc.

The Outlander series, by Diana Gabaldon, started about 20 years ago and has been going strong ever since. When I saw that Ms. Gabaldon had penned a story for a graphic novel version of The Outlander, but a whole NEW story told from a different perspective, I about danced with joy and squee’d at the same time.

The Exile: An Outlander Graphic Novel

You know how you hear about readers (ok, women) who say they “fell in love” with a character? That if they could find that character in real life, they would have died and gone to heaven? You hear that about say, a certain sparkly vamp who shall remain nameless and about a man who likes gray? For me, it was always Jamie. And honestly, a 6-foot-something red-haired Scottish man was not on my list of to- die-for men but then, I fell in love. This man was….complicated! Mature at a young age. An educated gentleman that would snap your neck for looking too closely at his Claire. He could load a gun with one hand and hold a book written in French, reading it aloud with a perfect accent, with the other. He was loyal, no-nonsense, smart, persistent, had a great sense of humor, sensual and fierce…..

Where was I? What was I saying?

Oh right, Outlander. So the characters are complicated and then, well, so is the plot. And we’ve followed the characters through love, sex, war, murder, secrets, family, sickness and health, torture, revenge and time travel for God’s sake! There are betrayals, politics, grief, distance, persistence and ingenuity---how this all came out of one brain is beyond me!

The Exile: An Outlander Graphic Novel

But now, I can see the story but with pictures??

Yes. Ten copies please.

The artwork is lush. I love it. If you’ve read the books, at first, you’re resistant to the depictions of beloved characters that have resided in your mind for twenty years because, well….they don’t look like that!! But then, you read and there’s the sprinkling of Gaelic, the familiar crackle between Jamie and Claire, there’s Murtagh and fighting and then you’re sucked in and it’s your favorite story and the depictions don’t matter; they meld with the story and enhance it.

I read this in 40 minutes. I devoured it. It is the meeting of the main characters all over again. The disbelief of where Claire is, the confusion of clan politics, the winding of several plot lines into one with a young man who has fallen in love at first sight in the middle of it all, stubbornly refusing all advice. And yet he does it. Jamie moves through his life with purpose and goals. He knows what he wants and he deftly maneuvers in political intrigue he wants nothing to do with, protecting others along the way, to reach a momentary spot of safety before the next thing hits him.

How can Claire not fall in love with him?

How can you not?

Ya can’t. So just go get a copy already.

You’re welcome.

P.S. ...and if you prefer a traditional novel to a graphic one, give this series a chance. Starts out a little slow but will suck you in and spit you out dazed and confused. And there are about 8 titles now I think, so plenty to keep you busy! ;-)

Options I'd LIKE to Hear When I Leave a Voicemail

2012-09-07T11:30:00.000-04:00

Working at a doctor's office, I have to make those reminder calls you get the day before you are due to come in. And I don't mind talking to people, most of our patients are very nice. What annoys me is the Voicemail rigamarole I have to go through to leave a message when people *don't* answer their phones.

First there is 30 seconds of "hi, so and so's not here to take your message...yada yada yada."
Then there's what you can do once you record your message. Six options for that. FINALLY, the beep, which wakes me up, because I've dozed off during that whole speech delivered in a monotone (very conducive to sleeping) computerized voice, indicates I can speak. So I do my shhhpiel about how they have an appointment.

Quick.

To the point.

More options. I put my head on my desk at this point. Because of course, I can listen to my message or I can press pound. Or 1. Or star, depending on the system. Sometimes you can hang up after your finished your leaving your message. Or you can press another button for MORE options. Right?

Here's how I'd like it to go:
Hi. So-and-so's not here. Their name is So-and-So (it's a very popular last name). Please leave a message. BEEEEP.

Leave your message.
Press pound.
Message sent.

Easy right?
If there have to be options, if they feel so compelled to make sure that all bases are covered or maybe they feel that's too straight forward and that the American people need options in every aspect of their lives, well they could do this instead:

Press 1 to hear the message of the last person who called.
Press 2 to change the message of the last person who called.
Press 3 to listen to Prince.
Press 4 donate to a cause.
Press 5 to hear a joke told by Ellen
Press 6 to send your message.

And each phone company can feel free to swap out the music and the comic, but really, let's all get on the same page here. I love it when 5 phone calls in a row say "If you are done recording, press #. To send your message with normal delivery, press 1," (I could recite this in my sleep) and then the next phone call, you rapidly hit #, 1 and you get "You have pressed an invalid number. Please try again," which just equates to more time on the phone while I listen to the options. My favorite ever? I pressed # 1 and got, "You have erased your message. To re-record, please press #..." REALLY?! Wouldn't you choose something other than the most commonly used buttons to process a message so someone doesn't *accidentally* erase their message?? GAH!

Sometimes, I envision all the phone companies sitting around and saying,
Ok, so we'll use 1 for sending, but you guys use # and you guys use the one-two combo of # AND 1 to send.
Right and then we'll actually use 1 to erase, you know, to minimize confusion, and 9 to save....

Children's Book Review: Arlo Needs Glasses

2012-09-05T16:28:00.002-04:00

Arlo Needs Glasses by Barney Saltzberg is the most ingenious kids’ book I have seen in a long time!

Super cute, it has interactive pages. And not only do I love it, my kids adore it! They are now 2 ½, just shy of 6 and 8 years old. They were squashed on the couch with me, little hands dipping and diving and smacking at each other to try out what was going on, on each page. And there’s a lot going on!

The story is about a boy whose dog suddenly has a hard time playing his favorite game: catch. After several experiments (and trying to show Arlo how to do it), he decides Arlo must need glasses. He takes him for a check-up. Arlo goes through all the eye tests, he tries on glasses, selects a pair and finally, he can see again! Going through this story, you will use tabs that when pulled, cause some pretty neat sliding/special effects to go on. There are Velcro pieces, pop-up pieces, and glasses that can be tried on a cardboard Arlo. And these are not flimsy pieces, but very nice sturdy, cardboard glasses with a gloss coating. I was impressed. And maybe making little shrieking with glee noises the first time I read it. I had to hide it from my 2 year old so she didn’t destroy it. She’s a little rougher than I am. So maybe not for kids under 3, but generally (I know, not always) but generally, kids under the age of 3 are not getting glasses anyway. None of my kids need glasses (yet), but they were still intrigued with the story. My 8 year old has had eye problems in the past though, and has been to an eye doctor, so it was interesting to see him answering his younger brother’s questions when my middle son wanted to know what was going on at the eye doctor’s in the story.

This book has me looking at the author’s other works. I’m adding them to my kids’ wish lists on Amazon.....

Great read! Great for all ages, whether they’ve been to the eye doctor’s or not as it’s not just about that, but about reading, a boy and his dog and problem solving.

5 stars.

Disclosure: This book was sent to me, unsolicited, for review, for free.

Marlow and the Monster: Giveaway WINNER!!

2012-08-25T18:21:00.002-04:00

Hello all and welcome to the winner announcement for our first ever GIVEAWAY!!!

Marlow and the Monster
by
Sharon Cramer
belongs to.......

LES JOHNSON,

You are the winner!!!

Thank you for entering,

there will be more freebies in the future.

Please feel free to leave in the comments what type of giveaways you'd love to see!

Marlow and the Monster Book Review and FIRST EVER LaLa Giveaway!!!!

2012-08-17T18:39:00.002-04:00

Are you struggling with monsters? Is your kidlet emphatic about having one in their closet? Under their bed? And you just can't get rid of them? Here's a fantastic book you can read them, guaranteed to get rid of all monster problems.....ok, maybe not guaranteed but the author, Sharon Cramer, has some excellent tips. Read on and find out how you too can WIN a copy! WOOT!

Children's Book Review:

Marlow and the Monster
by
Sharon Cramer

I was lucky enough to receive a copy of Marlow and the Monster by Sharon Cramer (Talking Bird Books, August 1, 2012 for $14.95). My kids sat right down and listened to the whole book. And then fought over who would look at the pictures when we were done.

The concept is a cute one: Marlow has an unruly monster that hides whenever he calls his mom. He’s not scared, just annoyed which is a nice change of pace for a monster story. I’ve read suggestions for monsters, such as a Monster Spray bottle, which, in my opinion tells the kids the monsters are real and need a spray! Or that monsters might be enticed by a treat or captured with a trap. To me, this book is a much better take and a much better lesson. I asked my boys at the end what kind of monster he was and they said, “Funny!” Then I asked what the monster really wanted, did he want to scare the boy? And Ian piped right up and said, "No! A friend!"

The illustrations are detailed and the color makes the monster pop and emphasizes how silly he is.

I highly recommend this book if you have a kidlet that’s afraid of monsters.

How to Deal with Monsters, Bad Dreams, and other Scary and Frightening Things

By Sharon Cramer

Every child is afraid at some time or another. Frequently these frights have to do with imaginary fears, but that doesn’t mean it is not real to the child. Here are a few pointers that may help your small ones negotiate their fears a little bit better.

1) Read stories and watch shows that debunk traditional monster fears. Stories that represent other children bravely or humorously while facing their fears can be wonderful at allaying false beliefs. When my granddaughter was three, and struggling with the monster stories that were being cast her way at daycare, I bought the movie “Monsters Inc.” and we watched it over and over. Not only did she reframe in her mind what a monster really was (a cuddly and sweet creature that protects little girls) she challenged the older children’s belief system at daycare!

2) Provide soft lighting in your child’s room. A lot of the mysterious and scary thoughts surface in darkness, and light helps restore a child’s confidence in the stability of the here and now. Don’t worry about how long a child utilizes the nightlights. They will let you know when they’ve had enough.

3) Make a sign and put it on your child’s door that reads, “Only nice monsters allowed.” That way, your child has control over who visits his or her imagination.

4) If your child fears the “under the bed” creatures. Put the mattress right on the floor. No under the bed frights can happen then!

5) While removing scary scenarios is logical, ie: closing the closet door, searching the room to make sure the coast is clear, it is more reasonable to reevaluate what a monster is. If the child learns to look at it a different way, or with familiarity, they can learn to conquer their fear and misconceptions. “James and the Giant Peach” is another wonderful movie, for the slightly older child, about looking at fearful scenarios and beings in a different way.

6) If your child wakes up afraid of a nightmare they had, talk about what they dreamed about that was so frightening. Sharing fearful experiences and making your child aware that everyone has bad dreams sometimes, but teaching them to separate dreams from reality can give your child control over their fears.

7) When your child decides they no longer want a nightlight, give them a flashlight. That way they continue to control their environment. This concept is key: controlling their environment and belief system!

8) Favorite stuffed lovies are essential. When they are surrounded by their favorite stuffed animals, they are not facing their fears alone. These stuffed creatures allay fears and comfort children in times of illness as well.

9) Play monster! When you play monster and your child starts to associate monster with a fun game, the fear goes out of it. Coloring monsters is also a great way to debunk the myth. See who can draw the funniest monster!

10) If your child is afraid of thunder and lightning storms, sit with them in the dark and play a game of counting how many seconds between the lightening and the thunder clap. See if the two of you can roar louder than the thunder!

11) Eliminate violent books, movies and cartoons. These only serve to feed the frightful and harmful parts of a child’s imagination. Be careful what you watch and listen to as well. Small ones have the biggest eyes and ears!

12) Don’t devalue the genuineness of your child’s beliefs and fears. Sit with them and tell them about what scared you when you were a kid and how you conquered them, ie: “I learned that it was my imagination and not real.” This will help your child to normalize their own fears and recognize that he or she is in control of their own emotions.

13) Try not to invite your child to your bed. Instead, stay with your child in their bedroom until they are adequately comforted and back to sleep. The former can set a bad routine that is very hard to break and only reinforces that their own bedroom is to be feared.

14) If your child is afraid of shadows, use daylight to teach them about shadows, or set up a light and play shadow puppet games. Again, you are fostering understanding of a misconception when you do this.

It is normal for every child to have fears at some time or another. How you teach your child to negotiate these fears will set them up with a lifetime of healthy habits for negotiating even bigger, and more real, fears that will come their way!

Sharon Cramer is a registered nurse, mom of three and author of Marlow and the Monster (July 2012). www.talkingbirdbooks.com.

To WIN YOUR OWN COPY: Please do one (ok, or all, I'm flexible; each one of these actions will get you an entry) of the following:

1. "Like" my Facebook Page, Lara McKusky Taylor, Writer/Artist
2. Post a link to this post/contest on your business Facebook page
3. Post a link to this post/contest on your personal Facebook page
4. Tweet about it with a link to this post

4. Come BACK here and post in the comments what you've done and links to your pages for both extra publicity for you and a place for me to double-check that you've done it! :) I will do the drawing in ONE WEEK on Friday, August 24, 2012 at 9:00PM EST.

Good Luck my friends!!

Restaurant Review: Woodberry Kitchen

2012-08-13T07:00:00.000-04:00

LaLa in the (Woodberry) Kitchen

2010 Clipper Park Road

Baltimore, MD 21211

We decided a Girls’ Night Out was in order. Myself, my mother, my sisters Steph and Kate, our sister-in-law Amy with HER mother, and her sister all raced a bodacious thunder cloud to northern Baltimore. Amy and her family won. The storm was second, we were third and Steph was fourth. After a soggy start to our evening (I’m not even going to relay how excited we were for complimentary valet after realizing this side-street restaurant had virtually no parking and it was down-pouring….nor am I going to mention how my mom lost her shoe. In the rushing waters by the curb. I’m not. Stop laughing.)

After dashing up steps and around the corner (may I suggest, WoodberryKitchen, an awning SOMEWHERE along the route from the curb to the door?) we were in. They were handing out cloth napkins to dry off with----drying off being a relative term, apparently, because the napkins were like 12x12 inches and we needed beach towels---and after that we were free to wonder at the lovely atmosphere and architecture. Congratulating ourselves for wearing long pants when it’s 102 degrees out because hey—it’s always freezing in restaurants---they showed us to our reserved table. Upstairs. In the Loft, overlooking the restaurant. Where we all proceeded to complain about how friggen warm we were! (Nevermind the constant laughter and the consumption of alcohol by some members of our party. That had no effect whatsoever.)

All the ladies working there wore dresses or skirts with aprons. The guys were all wearing skinny jeans and plaid shirts and messy hair and hip shoes. Old school light-bulbs hung from swinging arms, ingeniously discovered by my sister (I won’t say which one) who bonked her head on one. The architecture was open and utilized a lovely combination of urban hardware and lighting with eclectic comfy touches, which included wooden tables with a nice patina and a 1950’s refrigerator. (I just have to point out that Kate felt the need to take a picture of it because she was awed by the oldness of said fridge. Kids nowadays. Sigh.)

I cannot emphasize enough how much we enjoyed the atmosphere. Dana, our waitress, (who was fabulous, by the way) poured us cold water from an old-fashioned milk jug into little glasses that resembled flower pots. The food selections were interesting and varied. This is what I ended up ordering:

Direct Trade Iced Tea with syrup for sweetening (I forget what kind. Still delish.)

Lancanster Co. Ladyfinger Popcorn (appetizer---hello, it was a DOLLAR!)

Garden Salad with ranch dressing

BBQ Pork Flatbread (Shredded pork with BBQ sauce, banana peppers, sweet onions, cheese on flatbread. Oh and corn.)

Nectarine Tart (Oatmeal and pecan shortbread-type cookie, chopped nectarine, a sauce and homemade whipped topping)

We also received a complimentary appetizer: Heirloom Tomatoes on Toast and their usual basket of slices of bread (yes, all kinds!) and a cup o’butter.

(If you go to the website, you’ll notice you can’t find some of these, as they were part of the list of specials. Sorry.)

What others ordered: Kitchen Burger, Tilghman Island crab cakes and Braised Liberty Delight Beef Shank. All rave reviews.

Did I mention everything is made fresh, from local, organic products? Cuz it is. The food was fabulous. Fresh food prepared by professionals is AMAzing! I have to say, I am a meat-and-potatoes-what’s-in-this?-kind-of-woman, so I was a little leery.

I’ve completely converted. Hands down on my top 5 list of favorite restaurants.

I Ate the Waffles off the Floor

2012-07-27T17:13:00.000-04:00

This morning, determined to be to work by 7am AND to have some real food, I left a note out for myself saying:

Waffles.

And then I got the toaster out. And made my lunch. And made sure my travel mug was clean for coffee.

Then I went to bed.

The next morning, I get ready, I pop some waffles in and run all my stuff out to the car. (To the men reading this: yes, this is all monumentally important.) I come back, put a little pb&j on my waffles, grab my Kuerig’d coffee (that is SO a verb!) and head for the door. I have my keys. I have my waffles. I have my coffee. I have on a clean shirt.

But no, that is not what happened.

What happened was, I had my paper plate with waffles with scrumdidlyumptious sticky soft pb&j on them in my left hand. I try backing into the storm door but I can’t open it with my hip---go figure—and reach with my right hand across my body and ever…..so….slightly…CLIP the paper plate. I watched in slow mo and utter silence (it’s 6:40am, I’m the only one up) as my waffles flip and fly OFF of my plate towards the floor. One face up, next to my sister’s muddy boots. One face down on the throw rug.

I stare at them for a long moment, frozen.

Then something in my brain is screaming:

5 second rule!! 5 SECOND RULE!!!!! MOVE dammit!!

I quickly set keys and coffee on the table before crouching to examine the situation. One that landed face-up is a no-brainer and goes back on the plate. The one that landed face-down I pick up gingerly and cringe as I rotate it for inspection.

Hmmmmmm. Well, no animals live here, I thought, so that’s not a problem, no chance of animal hair.

Now, people wipe their FEET on this rug and shoes are the absolute filthiest things on the planet. I still don’t see anything….wait, a 1 inch long hair hanging on the very edge of it….got it! I squint. Time is quickly passing and I have to get to work. I shrug and head out the door.

I get in the car and pause again, looking and looking I elect to lift a single black dot off with a fingernail (realizing a second later that it’s a strawberry seed from the jam I put on it). Ok, now you’re being ridiculous! You’re pulling stuff off that is not even there!! I think and put the car in gear.

I eat the one that fell face-up, but when left with the face-down one, I’m still indecisive.

You don’t have much money and these waffles, peanut butter and jam cost money dammit! Just eat it!!

Dad wipes his SHOES on that rug. Every time he comes in from smoking. Every. Time.

DON’T DO IT!!

Money!!!

Dirt!!!!

If you were a child in Ethiopia, you’d eat it without thinking (mostly because everything there is covered with dirt, if the pictures are any indication, so what difference does it make?)

It literally wouldn’t be an option.

It would be CRAZY not to eat this, because I’d be starving for God’s sake.

Would I even know what a waffle WAS if I were in Ethiopia?…..

FOCUS.

You’re driving and eating already, no tangential thinking!

I took a bite.

I nearly gagged chewing and swallowing it. Each bite got easier.

I kept thinking about that nameless Ethiopian kid and kept chewing.

REAL child from Ethiopia! Beautiful eyes! How do I get her some waffles??!

Moral of the story: I didn't die from eating a waffle that hit the floor.

Book Review: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

2012-05-24T11:16:00.002-04:00

I finished this book a few hours ago and I’m still thinking about it.

I’ll tell you why.

First of all, the historical part and the fiction/vampire part? Seamless. There’s a lot going on here, with the famous historical figure, presenting what we do know about him, deepening the character so he’s believable and then throwing in a completely unbelievable aspect---it’s a lot for a writer to juggle. And yet. Mr. Grahame-Smith not only manages it, he masters it. Maybe it’s the consistent tone, mood and voice. Maybe it’s the steady movement of the plot, punctuated, but not dominated by, excellent fight scenes. Maybe it’s the photos that look real, the block quotes from supposed first sources (letters, journal entries, etc), but whatever it is, I as the reader bought it hook, line and sinker.

He had me questioning whether vampires could have been real but hidden this whole time.

Seriously.

::Warning: Cheesy cliché ahead::

Whether you like action, biographies, historical fiction or the paranormal, this book has something for everyone! I highly recommend it!

5 out of 5 stars

Scholarship Essay: Why the Art Institute Rocks My Socks!

2012-04-17T18:51:00.001-04:00

When I went to college the first time, I was 21 years old, newly married and far from home. I went to a lovely little college campus with rolling green land as far as the eye could see. It included a golf course and walking path, butted right up to the Cape Fear River. After two years, I transferred. My second college was an older campus, with beautiful old world charm, set atop a hill, dotted with trees and close to a major city. I loved both campuses and in the second instance, I studied Education.

Years later, as a wife and mother, when I decided I couldn’t ignore my passion for art anymore, I went to the Art Institute of Pittsburgh—Online Division for one blissful year. I studied design basics, color theory and perspective. I was at my easel every day. But then there was pressure to leave, as my being in school had altered our home life. I told myself I was choosing my family, and left my dream behind.

Several years later, I was going through a divorce. I struggled to find work after 7 years as a stay at home mom. My ex and I have resided under the same roof for 10 long months. Returning to the Art Institute of Pittsburgh—Online Division has given me some of my joy back. I cannot wait to begin! Not only will I be working in a field I love, I will be giving my children the example of never giving up on your dreams, always getting educated in whatever it is you love and that while life can be challenging, there is reward for hard work.

This time, I am going back to college to be able to stand on my own two feet in a field where I can actually get a job to support my three children on my own. This school works so hard to accommodate non-traditional students in a field that is typically thought of as hands-on, in-person only. They creatively use technology to educate and evaluate you at your own pace. Every professor has excellent credentials; I feel like I am getting a top-notch education. The first time I attended I was pregnant and my professor worked with me to get my assignments in before my due date, in order to be finished with the course before I was induced. I found my teachers to be sympathetic and understanding, knowing that children came before school sometimes. When I told my professor at the time that I had to leave school, I was taking Figure Drawing, which had been a challenge for me, but she said, “You are a bright and shining star. I’m sorry to hear you’re leaving. I hope you come back to school.”

I know that this school will not only allow me the flexibility of getting my education while I work, they will work just as hard as I am at getting me to the finish line.

This scholarship is sponsored by CenturyLinkQuote.com.

See My Creative Bad Self in Action!

2012-03-28T14:37:00.001-04:00

So my sister and I started a little business back in September known affectionately as Siostra ("sew-stra"). Among our various heritages is Polish and siostra is the Polish word for "sister." And we've been doing pretty well: logos, print designs, email signatures, FB landing pages, photo shoots and now tabs/apps and cover photos.

And there were other things we wanted to try but didn't fit under Siostra's "a la Carte Marketing" subtitle, so .....we're creating a second business. (stop making that noise) It's called Siostra: Artistry and I will be doing face-painting and Kate will be doing more candid photography and family shoots here, putting product photography squarely in Marketing's realm. I will also be doing commissioned artwork and already have one job for that lined up! Woot!

Now, here's something super-cool. (because frankly, that's the only way I roll) We started with an Etsy store, and I will probably re-establish that in the future, however in the meantime, I've found something I like even better!

It's On Me Gifting (IOMG) is a business and app that runs on Facebook designed to promote foot traffic for local businesses (intended emphasis on the local). (FYI, I know nothing about Groupon, but this is nothing like that! I get that question all the time!! lol) The central idea is to be able to give a gift to a friend, via FB. That's how it started. So, for example, I have this Honey and he lives in another state. So I could feasibly go to the IOMG Mall, select the area HE lives in ("Browse Vendors In" at the top left), and then select something, maybe a meal (or a drink!), pay for it and he gets a message that he has a gift. He clicks on it, prints his voucher, takes it to the local restaurant. He shows it to them, they scan it and he gets his meal/drink. Presto! How awesome is that?!

This was intended to help local business, but check this out: a food bank has taken an interest in it, so people could purchase and gift a single meal for the food bank to use! Splendid! Gifts of all kinds are popping up! Own a business? Use your imagination and Brad, the programmer genius responsible for this wonderfulness, will put it into action!

I've put up vouchers for Face-painting---no more worrying that you don't have cash at a fair, buy the voucher for a specific service (cheek design, half-face design, full-face design) and bring it with you. Forgot your voucher? No problem, I have a cell with internet access. I can look it up and key in the voucher number. Easy peasy lemon squeezy for all involved! Woot! Send one to your sister (who needs to live in my area, obviously) for your niece and nephew to get their faces painted. Great birthday gift for your grandchild. Give a local teacher a voucher for a 1-hour session of face-painting for her class or school! The possibilities are endless!

Now, I know you're wondering: Holy cow!! Is this in my area?!

If not, it totally could be! Check your area in the IOMG Mall and if you don't see your favorite local hang-out you can do one of two things: ask them if they'd PLEASE contact Brad at itsonme@playerspot.com so they can get their place of business up ASAP! OR alternatively, YOU can contact Brad and ask if he'd be so kind (and he usually is!) to contact your favorite place to nosh/shop/hang out and see if they'd jump on the bandwagon. Either way, it goes much faster if they know their customers are clamoring for it!

So...go clamor!! Get it done my readers! ;)

F is for.....

2012-03-27T15:28:00.000-04:00

Family.

Mom, Dad, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents. My children. The Honey. They have all assisted me in one way or another in the last nine months. My children remind me why I have to keep fighting for the life I want. The Honey, aka "The Most Patient Man in the Universe" (which is way too long for a super-hero costume), always encouraging me, right there whenever I have a positivity-shortage.

Easy My @ss!!

2012-01-16T16:06:00.000-05:00

So, how bad is it to cook a chicken with giblets in it?

Because I can’t get them out.

Seriously. The f@#$* won’t come out.

I put it in the fridge for 22 hours, people. TWENTY-TWO.

AND I put it in cold water for two hours, using clean water every thirty minutes for two hours. (Do you have any idea how little I needed something else forcing me out of my office chair every thirty minutes?? Cuz kidlets doing that isn’t enough?)

Yeah, I used BOTH defrosting methods and those giblets were frozen to the inside of the bird.

So now, I’ve whipped off my rubber gloves in a bold move born of pure frustration: I am touching the bird with my bare hands. A raw chicken. On my hands. Are you hearing me? Cuz I’m about to ruin dinner by puking into the cavity of this bird. (Salmonella poisoning, here I come!!) I’m going to have to spray bleach *this whole area* to keep from getting sick. Not to mention my hands, which will never be clean again. And the little droplets of salmonella-laded water, which are currently flying in gentle glee everywhere, don’t even get me started on those!

Most frustrating?

It’s labeled an “EASY Roaster Chicken.”

I hate liars.

The bird is now double-ziplocked and back in the fridge.

We’ll save “easy” for tomorrow night but today?

Who’s feelin’ like a burger?

Review: The Oxymorons

2011-10-27T02:38:00.001-04:00

So my sisters (and Leigh, who's LIKE a sister) and I decided to have a girls' night. On a Wednesday. We're such rebels.

I put forth the idea that we should go to improv night with The Oxymorons at Magooby's in Timonium, MD because it would be fun (and because I'm awesome like that!). Now, in the interest of full-disclosure, I know one of the self-proclaimed "Morons"....but I don't have to tell you which one! ;) (you can guess in the comments!).

There were 3 other improv groups there but truth be told, I didn't know that going in and consequently....well, my mom brain didn't retain them. Sorry guys. (Hey, "mom brain" is one of the few perks of being a mom, I'm going to use it. To. Death.)

Now, the Oxymorons were different from the other groups in that they used a ton of audience participation and model themselves after Whose Line Is It Anway? (one of my absolute favorite shows ever, btw). My favorite games are the bell game and mannequins. And they did both right at the beginning of their set, so I was a happy girl. ;)

The bell game involves two people having a conversation about whatever the audience has suggested and that MC/director Andy has chosen from those suggestions. Every time Andy hit the bell, the actor speaking had to change the last thing he said. Of course, it's funnier when the bell is hit a good 3 or 4 times in a row (presumably stressing the actor out but funny as hell for the audience). For us, it was Randy and Toby as father and son respectively, talking about prom which devolved into a conversation about how mom was a nympho and why the mailman lived upstairs!

Mannequins is the game where two actors are once again having a discussion about an audience-picked topic (disco dancers for this one!) while two members of the audience tap the actors' body parts to make them move. Hilarious because of course, the actors are trying to keep up with their dialogue and are also trying to match said dialogue to whatever wacky positions their volunteers are putting them in! By the end of this skit, Andy and Toby were embracing and Andy was remarking on the fact that his hand was not on a disco ball! (the one I have inserted is not the one we saw last night....just in case you were wondering...cuz it's not.)

My sisters and I were laughing terribly hard, making it difficult to consume the chicken fingers and fries we ordered (which were good!) and after all that laughing and drinking of alcohol (oh, did I forget to mention that? It's really not necessary to consume alcohol in order to find the actors funny, I swear!!) we were sweating to death and removing our cardys, so layer up for Magooby's!! Where was I?

Oh right. Made us laugh. Fun audience participation (Andy took my soccer player suggestion for the Gibberish Murder Mystery game; I felt like a rock star!). As a matter of fact, while the other improv groups were also very very funny, with super smooth transitions between skits, they had virtually no audience participation. My sister Steph and I (both over the age of 30) found them all funny, but the Oxymorons the most fun. Kate and Leigh (both 22) thought Oxymorons the best!

We all liked the audience participation aspect of it.

All in all, an incredibly successful girls' night and I'm already checking the schedule to see when I can drag other friends to an Oxymoron show! Who's with me?!

The Oxymorons can also be found on Facebook here.

Magooby's Joke House is also on Facebook. (I mean, who isn't?)

The Rules of LaLa: Memorize Them

2011-10-27T01:34:00.001-04:00

Disclaimer: These rules may be changed or become null and void at any time at the sole whim of Lara, with no advanced warning...well, except this one.

LaLa's Rule #18: Never chastise me for being impatient. I will turn on you faster than you can blink!

LaLa’s Rule #17: Use your common sense around me at all times. If you choose not to exercise your common sense muscles, I will use my physical muscles and head-bonk you.

LaLa’s Rule #16: I don’t share my men. If you’re with me, you’re under my laser-sharp focus and no one else’s. Or I’ll turn my laser-sharp focus on her and you’ll get a free preview of what’s coming. Got it?

LaLa’s Rule #15: No horror movies if I will be in the house alone in the succeeding 24-48 hours. It’s just cruel and I’ll make you suffer along with me cuz guess who I’ll be calling at 2am when I can’t sleep? Additionally, don’t watch them with me unless you are prepared to have bruising on your arm---I hold on tight. (see rule #11)

LaLa’s Rule #14: I don’t ever bring people back from the dead. It’s not right, so don’t ask me.

LaLa’s Rule #13: Do not talk while I am interrupting.

LaLa’s Rule #12: If I am obviously having some kind of bad day and am starting to get upset (this will be indicated by speed-talking and gesticulating) (that means, “waving my arms around” people.) do not ever say to me “Now Lara, calm down.” When has that ever worked when you said that to someone? When? Exactly.

LaLa’s Rule #11: Do not come into my bubble. I have a very large personal space bubble. If I am related to you by blood….no wait, that’s not always true either…hmmm, ok, if I obviously love you, be you family or friend, I will be very affectionate. But if I don’t know you: No touchy touchy. You will find yourself flat on the floor, holding your crotch, bleeding from the nose, with a headache. Go ahead. I dare you.

LaLa’s Rule #10: Do not ever, under any circumstances, make repetitive noises. Anywhere. Ever. I don’t care what it is. The penalty for this is an abrupt loud noise coming from my mouth that sounds like this: “Knock it the eff off!!”

LaLa’s Rule #9: Always compliment Lara. I can be insecure and uncertain. Rather than telling me to suck it up (which can result in a bitch slap) it is better to just stroke my ego. Then everyone’s happy. For example, “Lara, you are the Queen,” is an excellent one to start with. (Since 99% of men require this, I feel it is my duty as a feminist to require the same.... in the interest of equality you understand.)

LaLa’s Rule #8: Never touch my chocolate. (That’s it. There’s no further instructions here.)

LaLa’s Rule #7: I ride shotgun. If I’m not riding shotgun, it’s because I’m driving. If I’m not riding shotgun and I’m not driving, I’m barfing. That’s all there is to it. It’s like a mathematical equation: Lara + backseat= barf. Don’t do it.

LaLa’s Rule #6: Don’t drink while I’m talking. It will inevitably come out of your nose because everything I say is funny. This is more a warning or a caution than a rule, but still….it needed to be said!

LaLa’s Rule #5: I only drink sweet wine. Don’t bring that fancy, dry crap and try to sell it to me. I’m not drinking it; I’ll spit it back into the glass and then dump it down the drain. Don’t test it. I’ve done it before.

LaLa’s Rule #4: I like things just-so. Some people call it anal-retentive. I prefer “detail-oriented in a way you obviously are not.” Don’t touch my stuff. You will get your hand smacked. Big Joe taught me that.

LaLa’s Rule #3: Don’t buy me items containing satin. I have huge issues with texture. Satin reminds me of this hideous bathrobe I had as a kid. It was quilted. And my hang-nails caught on it. And it made creepy noises….

LaLa’s Rule #2: I never answer call waiting calls on my cell phone. Sure, the phone tries to give you little icons to work it out, but they’re like men: they don’t do what they say they’re going to do and then I’m all aggravated and pissed off. I hate that!

LaLa’s Rule #1: Memorize the Rules of LaLa!

E is for.....

2011-10-25T01:09:00.000-04:00

.......Excellent.

As in: "Why thank you, I am having an excellent day, how about you?"
As in: "This chocolate is so excellent, I forget why I cannot eat this as my every meal..."

My day started off rotten---forget to set my alarm, got kids to school in record time, got home to realize neighbor still had my keys, I was locked out AND I had left my cell phone on the kitchen counter, so no help there.

But then, the owner of this new place where I'm trying to get employed called and we ironed out some issues. Then I literally hung up and the phone rang and the other chronic problem I was having has a potential solution: a sitter that can work any hours and is willing to work with me! THEN , one of my friends wants to know how much it would cost for me to re-vamp his blog and design it! Things were just hunky dory from there! It's all in your attitude folks! I decided, while sitting in the car, waiting for the ex to show up, "I'm not letting this one stupid moment define my whole day. I refuse. And if I refuse, you lose. That's all there is to it."

Where I Am From....

2011-10-25T01:01:00.000-04:00

I am from VCR’s, from Star Wars and ET.

I am from a little cottage; cozy, sunlit, with the smell of coffee in the morning.

I am from the strawberry plant, the climbing lilac, the hosta and the rose.

I am from Scrabble games and reading and stubbornness; from Joe and Judy; Thomas and Jewel; from McKusky.

I am from sarcasm and wit and laughter.

From real Santas and Easter bunnies.

I am from traditional Mass. From incense and Mary and tiny folded dollars for the poor box.

I'm from Baltimore and Bohemia, from icing’d desserts and pot roast and sauerkraut.

From motorcycles on days cold enough for frost bite, from ribbons twirling to Whitney Houston, milk crackers and ocean vacations.

I am from shoeboxes and photo albums, brittle curling sepia and single cherished copies.

** this lovely gem came from a template, found here. And *I* found it by way of my good friend over at Lessons from the Queendom. Thanks Nic!

D is for....

2011-10-20T15:32:00.000-04:00

Dog.

TRINITY

March 25, 2003-October 20, 2011

R.I.P. honey

I will miss you, especially during this next phase in my life, but I know you are with Shadow, happy, healthy and whole. Be a good girl. Mommy loves you.

C is for....

2011-10-17T22:46:00.001-04:00

...Crazytown.

And here's the Mayor:

I've seen this in several places today and I finally watched it.

Yeah.

You know, people like this give REAL protestors a really really bad name. Really.

All these college kids, who have no idea what they are actually protesting about/for, but there they are, on the streets, talking to people with cameras even!! If I were the organizer of this protest, I'd have trustworthy people walking around with clipboards, taking names and asking questions to test stupidity levels....and then tell the ones that fail that they are under no circumstances, on pain of death, to talk to anyone with a microphone or camera. And then I'd confiscate their cell phones. ;)

This guy is just reinforcing the idea that it's a bunch of dingbats out protesting with nothing real to say. Where is his mother?? And better yet, where is the mother of the young girl---she needs her glasses back by the way---who is actually sobbing about what this dingbat is saying!?

By not monitoring who's recording--and everyone has a cell phone and camera these days---well, they are a bunch of dingbats. With big signs and loud voices. That no one is listening to.

I say: actually. get. organized.

If you need a marketing person, I'm your girl! ;)

(This blog post has been brought to you by:
Siostra: a La Carte Marketing
www.facebook.com/siostra.marketing)

B is for....

2011-10-07T00:47:00.000-04:00

...Beautiful.

Ok, eventually, I'm going to put some SAT words in here, but really, here in southern PA, it was indisputably a bea-u-ti-ful day! Lots of sun, crisp and cool most of the morning before it became warm. I took a long drive down some scenic backroads for a job interview and all I saw were rolling hills, curving roads and ...corn fields. Less exciting, but beautiful nonetheless!

And of course, it's always a beautiful day when Handsome has texted me. :) I know. I sound totally silly and smitten, don't I? I make myself sick!

Isn't it beautiful though? :)

View from my office window today. Hot air balloons rock!!

A is for.....

2011-10-05T22:05:00.000-04:00

Asinine.

I don't know why. It's the first word that popped into my head.

I'm going to try to showcase a word every day, that encapsulates how I feel about that day, going through the alphabet in order. Today was actually NOT asinine, come to think of it, unless you use it like, "It was asinine how I couldn't stop smiling over a text." Ok, that would be appropriate.

See, there's this guy....

That's all I'm a gonna say. He's shy. (LOLOLOLOLOL) Ok, that's totally not true. It's me. Our relationship is complicated right now. And the complexity of our relationship is in direct proportion to how close I am to being officially divorced. And he's...prudent, I believe is the word my mother used. And you know what? That makes me smile too. It's him, being respectful. And I greatly appreciate that (did you see that? How I slipped in another good "A" word? Right? Right?)

Ok. Now THAT's all I'm gonna say. ;)

But me, hard-core smiling (um, yeah, there might've been school-girl-like giggling) over him texting me back was really....asinine. Yeah. That's appropriate.

Tomorrow's letter: B. Cuz I'm anal like that. (another "A" word!! Go me!)

Waking Up in Strange Places.....

2011-10-02T18:36:00.001-04:00

So Ian wakes me up in the dead of night. Kate has no clock in her room, so I have no clue what time it is. He's naked. (No, I'm not dreaming, but I'm irritated) and he says,
"Mom, I overflowed my pull-up. I need a new one!!" and he's all bent out of shape.
All I can think of is my mother's couch, which he was sleeping on, and hoping he is confused as he often is about just peeing in his pull-up and actually overflowing it and getting his pj's wet.
But he's being really loud and Kate and Morgan are trying to sleep and I'm completely annoyed I'm not sleeping (I may have mentioned that). So I jump out of bed, shushing him and, sans glasses (this will be important later) I rifle through one of our suitcases and hand him a pull-up.

The next morning, I come down and Ian is just in his pajama shirt and a pull-up.
A pink, size 2T/3T pull-up with princesses on it.
Because he's wearing Morgan's pull-up.

;)

I'm Coming Out

2011-09-16T12:48:00.002-04:00

I’ve made a big decision.

I’m outting myself.

The big secret?

This is me.

That’s it.

I know, shocking right?

I’ve been perusing online dating sites, trying to figure out how to find this soulmate I’m longing for and I’ll tell ya I’ve discovered some things about myself:

I curse. More than most people are comfortable with. I slip up in front of the kids now and again. I’m working on it.

I’m a food slob. Especially if I wear my special white shirts with the food magnets? Then you can trace all my meals on it.

Sometimes I’m cranky, even when it’s not my time of the month.

I read comics. And lots and lots of books. I would almost rather read than do anything else. (Ok, well most things, but not EVERYTHING else…oh, you get my meaning, dammit!)

I find I’m judgmental. I don’t like morbidly obese men. (more on that later)

I don’t like piercings on your face….or nipples….or anywhere that is not your ear. And even then, don’t wear bigger diamonds than me!

Your hat’s crooked and I like things symmetrical.

I don’t like guys that have pictures of themselves with their arms thrown around other guys and big cheesy grins. It’s suspicious.

I don’t like guys that have pics where they are with women, unless they state it’s their mom or aunt or sister or cousin or whatever. It’s suspicious.

If your trailer is in the background of your profile picture…..yeeeeeah.
No.

If you send me a message and your profile heading is along the lines of: hey baby, I like what I see, how about you?

Yeah. Again: No.

I am not looking for a guy to protect me, to do FOR me, to take care of me. There will most certainly not be ANY type of asking permission or obedience. Go find a cult if that’s what you’re looking for. But this? This is the wrong tree buddy. In fact, you’re in the wrong damn forest for that shit.

I know how to do a lot of things for myself, but certainly not everything. If I need your help, I will ask. And if I find you competent, I’ll ask again. And again, and again (you can see the pattern here…).

This is me:

No Make-Up Me, First Thing in the Morning. Not even had my coffee yet!

This is me also:

Sorry. Thaaat's actually a picture of Emily Blunt.

But this isn't:

All or nothin’ baby.

So you know what I don’t want from you; here’s what I do like:

I want a partner in crime; a P.I.C. if you will. A best friend….with benefits. Someone to stand back to back with me while the baddies circle. I want my own gun and my own horse when we ride off into the sunset, dammit!

I like to snuggle. A lot. I want your attention, frequently.

I want to be able to depend on what you tell me you’re going to do.

I want to be able to trust you.

I keep myself up, so should you! I wash my face twice a day! My nails and toes almost always match in color! I cover my gray hair! I shave my legs regularly! I keep my weight as close to 120 lbs as possible, I eat healthy----NO I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE WHO COULD SMOTHER ME WHILE WE’RE NAPPING!! Ok. I’m sorry. I think it’s important to be honest. I know the fat guy with the cute little woman is all over tv, but that’s just not me. I need someone who has a similar active, healthy lifestyle.

Handymen: PLEASE APPLY!! I love it when things are NOT broken and can actually be used. (this includes my car)

No. Slobs.

Slobs = Stress.

I want you to laugh at the same things I laugh at....and at the things I say because frankly, I'm funny. And if you're not laughing at me, something's wrong. With you. And I don’t like a crude or low sense of humor. I like stuff that’s actually FUNNY. Witty. Sarcastic. Snarky. Take your pick, but nasty sex jokes or body humor is not me. American Pie? Makes me gag. Real funny? Friends. Will & Grace. Situational comedy. (look it up)

I am not this funny all the time. Be prepared for long boring moments with me. Dry spells happen.

But generally, I am super high energy, I do a lot in the day. I don’t like to be bored. I am not super adventurous but I’m getting better in my old age, more sure of myself. I’d like to try rock/wall climbing, motorcycle riding, hot air balloon ride, snowboarding, snowmobiling and other cool (but essentially safe) stuff! ;) I’d also like to get a tattoo or two, just can’t afford it right now. And no, I don’t want you to take me because what if it ends up like this: “Yeah, I went and got this tattoo, isn’t it cool? Yeah, I went with this guy that I was dating at the time.” That sucker is gonna be on my skin FOREVER. I don’t want to be forever reminded of you when I look at it, just in case. I’d rather have my sisters or one of my best friends there. I’m thinkin ahead here.

{*whispering* whole paragraph about s-e-x removed because I suddenly realized my 14 year old nephew could click on my facebook link and get here....geesh, totally cramping my style Steph, why you gotta let your kid on facebook??! Now I've gotta be all responsible and sh----crap. Geez}

*crickets chirping*

See? That really helps to narrow the playing field. All you guys looking for a desperate, easy to romance divorced lonely woman? Not this chick.

So, maybe I end up alone.

Have I ever told you about my back-up plan? It involves a lot of quiet, relaxing time, singing, and a black habit….

Please Hold While We Figure Out How to (Not) Assist You...

2011-09-12T22:40:00.001-04:00

Hello.

Please listen carefully as our menu options may have changed.

For really boring Muzak with frequent repetitious computer interruptions, press 1.

For all options in Spanish (even though you don’t live in California, Texas or Florida), press 2.

For a wait time of approximately 4 days, 32 minutes and 21 seconds, press 3.

For dead silence for an unnerving amount of time until you think you hear breathing, press 4.

For eighties music you can sing to until someone abruptly answers the phone during an embarrassing high note, press 5.

To speak to a computer that will constantly give you options you don’t want, press 6.

Otherwise, all operators are busy. Please call back at another time, preferably between 9 am and 3pm while you’re inconveniently at work and can’t call anyway.

Thank you. Have a fantastic day.

BEEP!