From Tracie

Bargaining With God

2012-05-30T01:37:00.000-04:00

I want to get real honest with you about prayer. Sometimes I find myself approaching prayer like it is a negotiation.

Maybe it was all of those Bible studies and books I read as a teenager: 10 Steps to Effective Prayer, How to Pray like Jesus, Using Scripture to Pray, Fasting like Daniel with 21 Days of Prayer, Seal the Deal on Your Prayer Contract (okay, I definitely made that last one up, but you know the books I am referring to). I don't think those books and studies are inherently bad, but I think they might have messed me up a little bit.

I start to pray. While I'm praying, a part of my mind is focused not on the prayer, not on the Lord, but on the act of prayer.

The strategy seeps in. I pause my request to make the words more proper. I remind myself to praise before I ask. I mentally search for a verse to apply to the situation, so I can first remind God of His words. I couch my request in a plea to "do this for Your kingdom, not for me, but for Your honor."

I'm not concentrating on God, because I'm distracted by the need to get the prayer right - to be perfect in my attitude and words.

If that wasn't enough, as all of this is happening, another voice kicks in, and says, "Is this a waste? It isn't like God doesn't know that you just thought out what you were going to say in your little bargaining session while you were doing it. He knows your heart, and that means He knows you are not really praying out of your heart, but out of formula and strategy. You aren't fooling Him."

I have to pause and answer that voice back, "Fooling Him? I wasn't trying to fool Him. I was praying effectively.....right? Obviously I couldn't fool Him. I was just trying to do it right. Now I need to stop thinking about doing it right, and reprimanding myself, because this is probably nullifying all the right words I was trying to use."

Does that sound like a lot of prayer is happening? Not really. I know there is nothing effective about having a separate conversation with myself about not having a strategic prayer conversation with myself while I'm trying to pray.

Reverence. Praying scripture. Concentrating on God's will. These are all great things, but after a while I start to feel like I'm bargaining with God instead of talking to Him.

I miss the talking. I miss the relationship. I miss the easy flow of words.

I don't want to play a messed up game of Let's Make A Deal anymore. I don't want to spend so much energy concentrating on getting it right.

I want to remember...
- The times when I called out to God in desperation. The times when I cried out with what were probably the most hurt, confused, scared, un-strategic prayers I have ever prayed, and God gave me a miracle.

- The times I sat quietly and worshiped, and the times I rejoiced loudly.

- The times I pleaded with Him for big things, and the times I marveled at little things, and the times I just told Him about my day.

- The times I reached out to friends and prayed in a group, and the times when I prayed alone.

- Times I yelled, and the times I whispered, and the times I didn't even have words of my own to say.

...because I might not have followed the (probably valid, and sometimes even based on the Bible) formulas shared in a book during all those times, but I had relationship moments.

I talked to God. No negotiations, no bargains, no strategy.

Just me and God.

Just me and God - that is amazing! I don't want to miss out on time focused on our relationship because I'm having another strategy meeting with myself.

Are You Missing House?

2012-05-27T02:14:00.000-04:00

House has been gone for less than a week, and you are already missing him? I understand completely, because I am missing him, too. The good news is that I have the answer for your sadness - House M.D. Critical Cases, a new game on Facebook.

It was a simpler time at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital when House, Foreman, Chase, Taub, and Thirteen solved all the medical mysteries. This is the setting for Critical Cases, with the addition of one new doctor - you. Or in my case, the new doctor was me - Dr. From Tracie. (that has a nice ring to it, don't you think?)

The object of the game is to solve and treat the critical cases, while also taking care of clinic patients and keeping a well-stocked pharmacy. You know how House is a fan of a well-stocked pharmacy.

The critical cases follow a story line, like a short version of an episode of House.

You move through the hospital and click on patients to find out their symptoms. Then you choose if they need to be sent to a lab room to be tested, pick up medicine, or be admitted for long-term care.

Treating and testing the patients is done through playing a variety of mini-games, like this one where you have to click on the correct cells to analyze the patient's blood. It looks easy in this picture, but when you play the game those little cells move fast.

After working your way through the testing or care that a clinic patient needs, you are rewarded with money, points, and favor that you need for treating the critical case patient.

In true House fashion, you also break into the critical case patient's home and workplace to do further research into what is making them ill by searching for items. It seems that all the patients are very messy.

It is a fun game. Being a social-based facebook game, you will move through levels faster if you have friends playing with you and helping your patients, but it doesn't require you to obnoxiously beg for things all day long in order to advance.

Check out House M.D. Critical Cases on faceook, and you can hang out with House on your computer, just like me.

But be prepared, House is just as sarcastic and biting in the game as he was on the tv show. Of course, that really is why we all love him, so I think of it as a good thing.

Legal Stuff: Thank you to Ubisoft for sponsoring this blog post. Please click here to learn more about Ubisoft. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective. All opinions are my own. #UbiChamps
I was not required to say nice things.

Full Of Thoughts - We Are Okay

2012-05-25T15:44:00.002-04:00

I looked at the clock and realized it was after 3pm. Almost a whole day has slipped by.

I'm full of thoughts lately.

Thoughts of things I can't control.

Thoughts of a survivor and friend lost too soon.

Thoughts of a family member who is hurting.

Thoughts of a disappointing phone call.

Thoughts of someone I love but cannot help.

Sometimes there are so many thoughts, it is paralyzing.

Sometimes the task seems too big. The fight too hard. The words too much.

Then. Then I open up my inbox and find an email waiting with just the right words.

And I know I'll keep writing. Keep speaking. Keep fighting.

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better." - Anne Lamott

I do the best I can with what I have...and that is okay.

I am okay. And so are you.

The Night I Tried To Call

2012-05-23T00:26:00.000-04:00

I called my cousin Peter* last night. Sitting in the dark, with only the light from the computer screen to illuminate my shaking hand as I clicked on each number.

I have one picture of Peter, It was snapped when I was nine and he was ten, a week after our uncle died (the timing of that picture is not lost on me). There are other pictures in storage somewhere, but this is the one that I have here with me. I pulled it up on the computer and stared at him, trying to imagine what he looks like now.

It has been a long journey, me working up the courage to hit call after clicking in those numbers, but this was the night I would ignore the crushing grip of anxiety and actually do it.

Ring.

In that moment, my thoughts cleared enough to realize what I really wanted, "I hope I get voicemail and he is on the recording. I don't know what to say. I just want to hear his voice."

Ring.

I heard the rattle of a phone being picked up from its cradle.

One second. Two seconds.

No hello. Just the crash of the phone being slammed down in my ear.

It is remarkable how much more final it sounds when someone uses a landline phone to hang up on you.

*The name of my cousin has been changed.

Here a Pin, There a Pin, Everywhere a Pinable Pin

2012-05-21T01:05:00.000-04:00

Pin those shoes.

Pin that hat.

Pin those beach pictures, and my personal favorites - the library pictures.

Pin that recipe I want someone to cook for me (because I'm certainly never going to actually cook it for myself).

Pin this, won't you? You know you want to.

Pinterest. I love it. You love it. We all love the Pinterest.

The woman in this video? She might love Pinterest a little too much.

Pinsanity! from Comediva
She is terrifying, but I can't stop watching her.

And now I think I'm going to go pin some self defense classes....just in case.

Things You Missed While I Was Away

2012-05-18T13:58:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life gets in the way of writing.

That isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Here are a few things you did and did not miss while I was gone:

I did have a dream that I was in a cooking competition show. Which is ridiculous on so many levels. What I most appreciated about it was that I kept trying to turn it into a writing competition. While everyone else was making pasta with different strange sauces, I was eating bread and writing a story using all of the competitors foods and restaurants.
I did not read that article in Time Magazine that went with the picture (THE picture). In fact, I hid away from it, and tried to focus on butterflies and unicorns. (I am also reserving the right to blame that article and the resulting rush of blog posts that use the term "mommy wars" as 64% of the reason I didn't blog last week.)
I did read this blog post from Chris de Serres about breastfeeding in public that was brilliant and made me think about breastfeeding in a different way.
I did not eat broccoli. Because - gross.
I did see The Avengers. So good. SO good!
I did not remind y'all that the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is happening this month at Survivors Justice - please get your submissions in now!
I did take this picture of Thomas and Katarina while standing outside late one night waiting for a bus.

I did not realize he was wearing a Star Wars shirt and she was wearing a Batman shirt until I looked at the picture this morning. But I kind of love that.
I did add more yellow to the blog. Why wasn't there more yellow on the blog previously? I have no idea. Clearly someone was slacking.
I did not get reacquainted with Grey's Anatomy late one night by watching multiple episodes on Hulu while I should have been sleeping. (that is a lie) (I totally did that)
I did write this on my facebook page yesterday, "Having a blog means you are actually supposed to write on it? Who would have thought. #writersblock" (this prompted an update at One Cluttered Brain's blog, which always makes me happy.)
I did not buy shares in Facebook.
I did buy Twizzlers. I'm a big spender.

What did you do while I was (mostly) offline?

(Hey! It is Friday, so I'm going to link this up with Mrs. 4444's Friday Fragments. Because she is awesome. And I can. And that is all I have to say about that.)

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers

2012-05-07T15:36:00.000-04:00

In my year-long focus on hope, I have been reading other people's words about hope. I love the thought of hope as a bird, the way Emily Dickinson describes it.

What is bringing you hope today?

Truths and Lie of Sleep

2012-05-05T04:09:00.001-04:00

I want to sleep.

She set her laptop aside, lying back on the pillows.

I want to conjure up that first dream I had yesterday; before the last of the memory fades behind the haze in my mind.

She read an entire book, waiting for tiredness to turn to sleepiness.

I want to know what causes a beautiful dream to turn into a terrifying nightmare; I could anticipate the change tonight, and stop it.

She lay awake, watching an art show on PBS.

I want to sleep.

She stared through the darkness at the ceiling, eyes wide open.

The prompt: Three truths and a lie in 33 to 333 words.

I wanted to play with the thought that something can be true, and at the same time be a lie. This is my relationship with sleep.

When Life Implodes

2012-05-01T15:23:00.000-04:00

Breath held, she opened the envelope and quickly read the letter. As though looking at herself from the outside she noted that life implodes, not with a thunder, but with the quiet rustle of paper. And then she heard herself scream.

The prompt: Use the 3rd definition of thunder (bang, rumble) with between 33 and 333 words.

This is my first time with a Trifecta prompt. I tried to go for the 33 word-count end of the spectrum, but went over a bit.

Dear Survivor - A Letter of Encouragement to Survivors of Abuse and Sexual Assault

2012-04-30T02:11:00.000-04:00

As we reach the end of another Child Abuse Prevention and Sexual Assault Awareness month, I am reminded that for those of us who are survivors, the healing journey doesn't end here. In February I wrote this letter for Love Letters to the Underloved, and I think it is fitting to share it with you here, on this last day of April.

Dear Survivor,
I call you survivor, because that is what you are. I know there are days when you don't feel like a survivor. Days when the memories and triggers from past abuse comes crashing in, and it feels too hard to take even one more breath - but you take that breath anyway. You are strong.

I long for you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter if it happened in your childhood, your teens, or when you were an adult. You did not deserve it, or cause it, or bring it on yourself. You own no shame.

In your life, you have faced much darkness. Look around you and see that all is not dark - there is beauty, too. You are beautiful.

The abusers in your life told you that you are worthless - that your only value is as a sexual object or a punching bag. Those were lies they told you. Your worth is great.

I know that sometimes those lies push their way back into your mind, and you find yourself repeating them. I encourage you to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are amazing - because you are.

The truth is.....You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don't settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.

Your abuser tried to hold you down, but now you are free to fly. Your life has purpose and hope. You are courageous, and I know you will do incredible things.

It is okay to cry and feel tired - healing is hard work. But you are rocking it - even on the days when it feels like too much. You are doing that hard work, and I am so proud of you.

Each step you take is a precious blessing, dear survivor.

Stand strong. You are loved.
Tracie

My Grandma's 88th Birthday

2012-04-28T23:54:00.002-04:00

Today is my Grandma's birthday. She is 88 years old. I wish I could invite all of you over to her house to meet her and have tea and shortbread cookies. She is an amazing woman.

My Grandma has always been super crafty. She crocheted little outfits for my Barbie dolls (dresses, jackets, and hats), and made furniture for them. She can sew anything. When I visit her, she still goes through my suitcase and alters all my clothes to make them fit perfectly.

In all of my childhood memories, this is how I picture my Grandma and Grandpa (those adorable kids are my cousins). When I was little, Grandma and Grandpa came to visit us every couple of years in Florida. My mom would pull out her fancy china tea cups, and we would have tea each day. I wore sponge curlers in my hair every night while they visited, because Grandma likes curls.

This picture makes me laugh, because it is the one and only time I remember my grandparents sitting on the sand at the beach. I think my mom talked them into doing it for just a second to snap a picture, and they popped right back up after it was taken.

Grandma is a planner and organizer. The summers I spent in Arizona, she always had a stack of books waiting for me, and a full schedule planned. One year we got dressed up and went to a fancy theater down town to see a stage production of Oklahoma.

The year before that, she and Grandpa took me to see the movie Beethoven. I remember it clearly because it was the only time we went to a movie theater together, and afterwards we walked through the mall and she took me to Macy's. For a kid growing up in a small town, Macy's was a big deal (even if it wasn't the Macy's in New York) and she bought me a purple sweater with white puppies on it that I wore almost every day until I outgrew it.

One summer she tried to teach me how to paint. She used to paint, and was very talented (I don't think she passed that painting talent down to me). My paintings were fairly awful, but I cherish those afternoons we spent together with paintbrush in hand. We laughed a lot.

Grandma is a card player. You can see her look of concentration while she stares at her cards - immediately after this pictures was taken, she beat Katarina in a game of Spades. But her real game is Canasta, and she taught me how to play. We always play cards and put together puzzles when visiting Grandma. I love seeing her and Katarina do many of the same things together that I remember doing with her. It is so special.

Four generations of Judge women.

My Grandma is 88 years old, today. She was married to my Grandpa for over 50 years. They had four children together, and many grandchildren and great-grandchildren. When my mom was three, they left Canada and started over in a new country, because my mom's doctor said the desert climate would be better for her health. Grandma worked several different jobs to help bring in money for the family when times were tough.

Grandma is a woman of God. I have spent so many wonderful hours talking with her about the Bible and the Lord. We discuss books, and life, and politics. She is an inspiration to me. She makes me laugh. She has faced many health challenges with great strength, never complaining, but always hopeful. She still drives. She sometimes sends me sweet notes - some of which have made me cry - and I've kept every one of them, because they are so special. She is a blessing, and the best Grandma in the world.

Happy Birthday, Grandma. I love you!

April 2012 Edition Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2012-04-28T14:49:00.000-04:00

The April 2012 Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up at Child Abuse Survivor.

I want to thank Mike for all the work he did this month, hosting and organizing the carnival. There are a lot of great submissions, including a couple from people who are submitting a post for the first time.

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The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse provides an opportunity to raise awareness about the serious issue of child abuse and to share important posts with others who might not be frequent readers of an author's blog, and expose one's work to a wider audience. There are so many wonderful bloggers who are contributing to the cause of ending and recovering from child abuse. If you, as a reader or author, know of other blogs that you find helpful, please encourage them to submit to an upcoming issue of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse so we can continue to receive high quality submissions from a wide swath of bloggers.

Many thanks to all of you who shared your hearts and stories with us, and to all of you who read the submissions and show your support. You keep this carnival, the awareness, support, and healing going each month.

To provide another way for you to stay in contact with the blog carnival, and make sure you don't miss any updates; you can like the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse Facebook Page.

Thank you for raising your voice and speaking out against child abuse!

Sheena LaShay ~ Energy and Writer

2012-04-26T18:34:00.000-04:00

For Child Abuse Prevention and Sexual Assault Awareness Month, my friend Sheena came up with a list of thought provoking questions to ask some of her friends, and today she is sharing her answers here with me. If you have been reading my blog for a long time, you might remember me mentioning Sheena when I talked about teaching my kid not to obey adults and saying vagina. Sheena is amazing, strong, and beautiful. I'm excited for you to get to know her better.

1. Who are you?
My name is Sheena LaShay and the best way to describe who I am is to say that I am energy. I am spirit and soul wrapped up in my body. When I'm not being influenced by metaphysics, I'm a writer, dancer, daughter, sister and siren.

2. Does Sexual Assault Awareness month and Childhood Sexual Abuse Prevention Month hold any significant meaning to you? If so, why?
I never knew about the significance of April until a few years back. Now this month serves as an intentional time of remembrance, education and focus for me. While I advocate towards education and abuse prevention all the time, this month provides more focus and clarity with many organizations uniting to present a powerful message. I like that. This month is significant to me because abuse and assault happens everyday. It's a gross, hedious given of the times we've always lived in where we repress, silence and hurt people sexually and until it stops, I can't be quiet. I use this month to be even louder and in people's faces. :-)

3. What is your story?
My story is complex and varied. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. It happened for 7 years of my life. There were adults aware of the abuse and they were complacent and wanted to silence me, one being my pastor at the time. He demanded my silence in the name of god. Eventually I reported the abuse but my case files went missing. I was frustrated and scared and all the years of abuse were downgraded to battery to which my ex step father never served a day in jail despite his confession. I'll never understand how that all went down. But this is only part of my story. It has affected parts of my life and in the past it was a hindrance to me living fully. That isn't the case anymore.

4. According to some statistics, very few people report abuse & assault crimes. Why do you think that is?
I can't speak for everyone. I'll speak for me. I didn't report my abuse because at first I didn't know it was abuse. I didn't report it because I had been groomed to know my place as a child and that meant to be silent, never share the family business and to always listen to authority, i.e., my ex step father and my pastor. I didn't report it because I knew DCFS would take me from my home and put me in foster care. I didn't want to leave my home. I didn't report it because I was scared. I felt shamed, dirty and nasty and I didn't want to talk about these things in public. I didn't report it because I wasn't empowered to use my voice and I didn't know I could live my life on my own terms.

5. Do you think abusers, rapist, molesters, pedophiles and the likes can be reformed, healed or changed?
I don't think people change. I think our choices change. I also think sexual desires, fetishes and actions at their core remain the same for people. We like what we like. And some men and women like to screw around with children. There is something about it that gets them off. And some people like violence and they like to try to take and possess other people's body. They want control and power.I don't think the desire for control and power goes away. What separates one person's desire for control or power, is the difference choices they make and the different ways they express those desires. . Rapist, abusers and molestors.....I don't think there is much hope for them. This is because rarely do they have to face what they did. Rarely do they view their actions as wrong. And even if they are wrong, rarely does the world acknowledge that. We blame victims. We remain hush on the topic and we downgrade 7 years of sexual abuse into a battery charge with no jail time. When we do that, we provide no incentive for a sexual deviant to ever change their actions. They just get better at getting away with it.

6. What do you want others to understand about those who have been victimized?
I want others to understand that there is no possible way they can understand what the person has gone through. Its kind of like if you lost a loved one. All those other people, unless they've lost a loved one too...they just don't get it even if they read all the books on it and go to a seminar on it and read a blog post on it. The scope of what abuse and assault does is unimaginable unless you've gone through it. Be that as it may, I think if you know someone who has been abused or assaulted, you need to listen. You need to be sensitive. You shouldn't be pushy or judgemental. And you shouldn't make assumptions. I can't begin to tell you all the well meaning friends who would say things like, "You're going to always have trust issues." Comments like that are not life affirming. If you're going to say something, make sure its life affirming to that person.

7. Whats been the most difficult thing to deal with as it relates to what you’ve experienced?
The nightmares were difficult because at the time I couldn't figure out a way to control them. Its different if you're at home and then you start thinking of a memory. I have enough will power to change my mind. But I haven't figured out a way to control my dreams or nightmares. I'll take any tips. It's also difficult that I have to continue seeing my ex step father. He is the sperm donor to three of my siblings and if he knows I'll be at a public family event, he shows up to cause a scene...in the name of jesus. It's really grotesque, annoying and honestly it tries my patience. I remain civil and keep my distance but there's only so much a person can deal with. The other thing that was difficult was fixing my relationship with Spirit. It's easier for others to name Spirit, "God." You can use whatever word works best. But I was raised to fear a personified version of God. This looming, authortative figure that would send me to hell if I didn't behave. I was wrapped in that kind of thinking for such a long time. It took me a great deal of time to find my way back to my own spirituality.

8. How have you dealt with your own personal rage at the traumatic things that have happened to you?
I like to write. Writing is emotional for me. It's healing for me. It's how I make sense of the world. So I wrote everything that was inside of my head. Before, when I didn't know any better I used horrible ways to deal with my rage. I turned to whiskey and to men and to complacency. I thought that was me "dealing." Then I channeled my rage through some intensive therapy sessions. I wrote some very angry letters that were never sent. I wrote very dark plays and poetry. I sobbed. Really, I just explored my dark side. I had kept my emotions locked tight and as a kid I wasn't allowed to be angry or mad. I'd get in trouble for that which honestly is a load of bs. Children should have the freedom to experience every emotion just as adults do. So as I grew older, I gave myself permission to feel and to express my feelings whether they were happy or full of rage. And in just using my voice and expressing myself, I found the darkness came out of me and was channeled in other ways.

9. What was an unexpected thing that aided in your growth and healing?
Theater was so healing for me. I studied it n college and was a part of a theater company and it ended up being the catalyst to my healing. In theater I had to engage with my body and it forced my issues to surface. In theater I had to trust people and be intimately connected with them. I had to be vulnerable and transparent and work on scenes the scared me or excited me and it just helped me work out my own physchosis. I remember one time doing a Shakespeare sonnet...the one that starts with "Farewell thou art to dear for my possessing..." And in working out the sonnet physically, I made this bench into a bed, put a pillow on it and covered it so it looked like a sleeping figure. And I, myself pretended to be a crouching, dark creature that circled the bed like a vulture or demon and as I did this I spoke that beautiful sonnet, "Farewell thou are too dear for my possessing..." and later the sonnet says, "For how do I hold thee but by thy granting." In doing the scene with that sonnet, while academic, I was also able to deal with some issues. I was channeling the horrible spirit of my ex step father by pretending to be the creature and that pillow figure was suppose to be the kid version of me and what I wanted was for someone to know I was too dear for their own possession and to not hold me unless I granted it but that's not what happened. It also worked well because Shakepeare is holy for theater people and saying that sonnet reminded of how my ex step father would kneel beside me and pray each night after he finished abusing me. Just loud enough for me to hear. So, ugh, that's a long explanation but basically I wasn't expecting my theater work to do more than give me a different perspective on life and to help my life as an artist but it also ended up aiding in my healing.

10. What encouraging words do you have to offer for anyone who has ever been abused or assault?
Often those who are abused feel hurt, dirty, broken, unloved and tainted. Those are all lies and you possess the power to change your mind on how you define yourself. Your victimization wasn't your choice but remaining a victim of your circumstance or past is your choice. You can thrive past your victimization. You are already whole. It's about you realizing that truth and living in it. Understanding that comes in phases. It may take years to view yourself through a holy lens but even when you don't know it of yourself, I know it of you. You are whole. You are amazing. You are pure, full of love and absolutely precious.

11. What have you learned considering your experiences?
I have learned the importance in empowering people, especially children. Beyond the first time my abuse happened, it continued because I didn't know the power of using my voice. I didn't know that I had the authority to say no, even to my parents. I didn't know that I could ignore that family's rules of keeping quiet about "family business".
I didn't know that sometimes the pastor, even ones ordained by god, can still be wrong. I didn't know that I mattered and my experience has given me a keen insight on empowerment and children.

12. What do you think is the most important thing the world needs to hear?
You change your world by changing your mind. You are powerful, holy and whole.

13. What brings you ultimate joy?
My little sister's giggles. Popsicles. Traveling. Journals and Books. Well, those are all things that just make me happy. What's important, even more than joy is finding a place of center and balance and I get there by meditation, spiritual studies, being in tuned with nature & my self and living in community with others full of love, respect and empowerment. Oh chai lattes, hot or cold bring me joy too & all things Dr. Seuss.

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Sheena! I have read your answers several times, and each time something new jumps out at me. I love your honesty in answering why you did not report the abuse at first, and I also love your encouraging words for survivors and your list of joyful things (I always think of you when I see something Dr. Seuss).

The dreams and nightmares - I experience these, too. I actually have very lucid dreams, and normally I can change things, but when I have nightmares that deal with the memories or abuse I can't always control them even when I am fully aware that I am in a dream (we should talk about this sometime). Thank you for coming up with these great questions, and sharing your answers here. One last thing, I love love love that picture of you in the graveyard, it speaks to me powerfully on many levels.

To find more Sheena: check out her blog Sociology of Sheena, watch her on YouTube, and tweet at her (sidenote: Sheena and I met on twitter).

You can read more answers to these questions from some of my favorite people:
Noelle ~ Survivor and Christian Feminist
Nissa ~ Mother and Dancer
Tracie ~ Writer and Seeker of Joy (that is me!)
Jackie ~ I am a Woman; Strong and Capable
Vanessa ~ Designer and Survivor

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April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. -Get involved in child abuse awareness and prevention.
-If you suspect that a child is being abused, or if you are a child or teen who is being abused, you can call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.
-Get involved in sexual assault awareness and prevention.
-If you have been the victim of sexual assault and need help, or you want to help a loved one, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE.

I Am Wearing Denim Today

2012-04-25T15:21:00.000-04:00

In 1992, an 18-year old girl was raped by her driving instructor in Italy. He was convicted of rape and sentenced to jail - until the Italian Supreme Court got his appeal, and overturned his sentence: "Because the victim wore very, very tight jeans," the Court notes in their decision, "she had to help him remove them, and by removing the jeans it was no longer rape but consensual sex." The women in Italy's Parliament wore jeans to work as a protest.

Since 1999, Peace Over Violence has organized Denim Day in LA & USA each April during sexual assault awareness month, to make a statement of protest against the misconceptions that surround sexual assault.

There is no excuse for and never an invitation to rape.

I am wearing denim in support of all sexual assault victims and survivors.

20 years after the women in Italy's Parliament wore jeans to work, and 13 years after Peace Over Violence brought the protest to the US, misconceptions about sexual assault still abound - victims are blamed and questioned for not behaving a certain way after an assault, rapists are set free, victims are attacked for seeking justice after being raped.

For more information about Denim Day, check out their facebook page and share a picture of yourself rocking your denim today.

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April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month.

-Get involved in child abuse awareness and prevention.
-If you suspect that a child is being abused, or if you are a child or teen who is being abused, you can call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

This Magic Moment - I Am Not A T-Ball Champion But The Moon Loves Me

2012-04-23T15:41:00.001-04:00

The first time I saw the moon during the day, I was sure that it was a secret message just for me. It was a particularly awful game of T-ball, and I was four years old. I had already missed the ball twice while batting (even with it sitting still on the little stand), ducked when it flew toward my face instead of catching it, and been yelled at by the coach and every member of my team.

Standing out in the field with tears streaming down my face, hoping and praying that the ball would stay far away from me, I looked up and saw the moon. Who could be upset by a little ball game when the moon was making an appearance during the day? It was magic.

I eventually learned that is is completely normal for the moon to make a daytime appearance. But even with that knowledge, when I look up on a bright day and see the moon shining down on me, I feel a little bit of that magic.

I am not a T-Ball champion, but the moon loves me, and that makes me happy.

What is making you happy today?

Having A Sex Offender For A Preacher Means Children Can't Attend Services

2012-04-20T00:45:00.001-04:00

That which is denied cannot be healed. This statement is so powerful to me because I have seen the truth of it in my own life. I spent so many years in denial about my childhood and the sexual abuse in my family, and I wasn't able to work on healing until I could admit there was something broken.

I clicked a link on facebook this week, the title was Jacksonville Pastor Convicted of Sex Crimes Back in the Pulpit. The small, optimistic part of me was hoping that it was a sensationalized title, but it was not. The story was worse than I expected.

Darrell Gilyard spent three years in state prison for committing sex crimes against two teenage church members at Shiloh Metropolitan Baptist Church in Jacksonville. While in prison, he admitted to fathering the child of a woman who had accused him of raping her during a 2004 counseling session. Gilyard was released in December, and in January he began preaching at Christ Tabernacle Baptist Church. Because Gilyard is on probation for three years, the church has barred minors from church grounds during his services, and Gilyard will not be preforming any counseling.

This story starts long before Christ Tabernacle Baptist decided that having a former nationally known mega-church pastor who could grow their numbers preaching was more important to them than allowing children to attend church.

Denial. Darrell Gilyard's story starts in the 1980s and early 90s, when he was fired from multiple churches because of sexual misconduct. He continued to be recommended for jobs by leaders in the Southern Baptist Convention - essentially being passed from church to church, leaving a trail of victims behind him.

Even after one church had at least 25 women publicly accuse him of sexual misconduct, some of them alleging that he raped them, he was still able to continue working as a pastor. This is how we got to the place where he was pastoring Shiloh Metropolitan Baptist church in Jacksonville unchecked, and committing sex crimes against 14 and 15 year old girls.

Why did Christ Tabernacle turn over their pulpit to Darrell Gilyard after he left prison? Christ Tabernacle Trustee Eloise Bolden was quoted in the Florida Times-Union,

“We are a group of Christians who are not afraid of controversy. He needs and wants to preach and we need somebody to minister to us spiritually - so why not him?”

Why not him? Three years in prison does not erase over 20 years of repeatedly victimizing women and children. I understand that he has served the time the court required of him for the crimes he pled guilty to, and he is therefore free to reenter society, but that does not mean he is in a position to lead anyone spiritually.

Money and Numbers. Statements from other church leaders make mention of what I think is the real reason Christ Tabernacle is allowing Darrell Gilyard to preach:

"The arrangement is mutually beneficial because the 25-year-old congregation on North Davis Street had become almost as broke as Gilyard had become since completing his three-year state prison sentence on December 28."

"About 150 attended his first service on January 29 - up from a normal attendance at that church of five to ten."

The assurances that children will not be in the services at Christ Tabernacle, he is not actually the pastor, and he will not be counseling parishioners do not put my mind to rest. Darrell Gilyard's lawyers have already tried to petition the court to allow minors in the services. And Gilyard has said that he feels he’s being called back into eventual church leadership, and feels liberated by the fact that everyone knows about his criminal background. In a text message to the Florida Times-Union he said,

“Somehow I will prove that life isn’t over when one has committed a crime for which he receives this heinous label. You don’t have to languish on the fringes of society.”

A theme quickly emerges from statements made by Christ Tabernacle church members and many people commenting on news articles about the church's decision: Christians are supposed to forgive. A calling to ministry can't be questioned. Grace. He is such a gifted speaker. Paul was once a murderer.... There is no concern for the vulnerable position women and eventually children might be placed in by walking into the doors of a church not knowing who the man preaching, in a position of authority, is or what he has done. There is no concern for the victims of Darrell Gilyard, no concern for their feelings and needs.

The call to forgive as the Lord forgave you is not a call to blindness or stupidity. When will the church accept this? Forgiveness does not mean living in denial. Forgiveness does not mean putting someone in a position to victimize women and children over and over again, because he apologized each time he was caught. We have to stop this madness.

The church can not look at victims of sexual assault and say it cares about them and their healing while turning a blind eye to a sexual predator in the pulpit. Each time Darrell Gilyard is excused from his behavior because of his "powerful preaching" it is a re-victimization of the women and children he has hurt.

The full story of Darrell Gilyard's past is long and involved. I have only given a short overview here. If you want more information, I encourage you to look for yourself and make your own decision about this situation. Some places you can start in addition to the articles linked above:
-Tiffany Croft, a former victim, has a blog Let's stop Pastor Darrell Gilyard Together.
-This post from Pastor Wade Burleson, The Sordid and Strange Darrell Gilyard Story and What it Reveals About the SBC.
-Articles on Gilyard from the Associated Baptist Press.

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Reading about this case reminded me of a blog post written by Elizabeth Esther earlier this week - Grace Does Not Preclude Accountability: Apologizing for my unwitting support of Hugo Schwyzer. The Hugo Schwyzer and Darrell Gilyard stories are not identical, but Elizabeth brought up many good points about the responsibility organizations and ministries have to background check people they employ or allow to write (and I would extend that to speak or preach) on their behalf, and the responsibility they have toward the public. It is well worth the read, especially if you have read Hugo Schwyzer's articles and do not know about his past.

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April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month.

Are You Looking For Me?

2012-04-17T16:17:00.000-04:00

You can find me in two exciting places today!

BlogHer
One of my posts was featured on BlogHer! I am very excited, because it is my first time over there (so if you stop by and leave me a comment, I will probably love you forever).

It is a post that highlights something near to my heart, child abuse prevention month, and I appreciate that BlogHer is promoting how important it is to continue having a dialog about the far-reaching effects of child abuse.

Band Back Together
When I am not here, you may know that I spend time at a little site called Band Back Together. Perhaps you have heard of it? It is a group blog that provides educational resources as well as a safe, moderated place to share stories of survival. We are all about breaking down stigmas.

Every couple of weeks one of the volunteers who works behind the scenes is highlighted, and today it is me. So you will get to find out important things like: why am I so awesome, what are my feelings about cupcakes and doughnuts, my views on toilet paper (I'll give you a hint - OVER!), and more importantly a little bit of the work I do.

That is all of my exciting news for the day.

What is happening in your life?
Leave me a link to something great you have written this week, so I can come check it out!

I Was Not Switched At Birth

2012-04-15T02:36:00.001-04:00

We don't get the ABCFamily channel, so I wasn't aware this Switched At Birth show existed until I saw a commercial for it last week. The use of sign language in the commercial intrigued me enough to look it up on Hulu Friday night. The fact that there was a former Gilmore Girls actress (Vanessa Marano) in it kept me around for a whole episode.

Sidenote: Vanessa was April Nardini on Gilmore Girls. There was this one time I wrote about how distracting I found it that her mom (on the show, not in real life) played Jess' dad's girlfriend in an earlier episode before she was April's mom, prompting a story line (that existed only in my mind) about April hiding in a freezer. But mostly I was forced to hate her character because she was a major catalyst for the Luke/Lorelai breakup, for which she can never be forgiven (clearly I am still a little too emotionally attached to this show).

But back to Switched At Birth. By the end of the first episode I was hooked, and watched three more.

Saturday morning I started it all over, so Katarina could watch it with me from the beginning. That is how we ended up spending the whole day curled up in bed with the laptop - prompting this facebook status update that went up after I tucked her in around eleven o'clock:

And by around eleven o'clock, I totally mean 11:45PM. Because I am rocking this whole motherhood thing.

This has been my five minute, early Sunday morning, stream of consciousness writing. I now need to rest, because there are still nine episodes of Switched At Birth waiting for me to watch them. (I might need an intervention.)

What did you do this weekend? (and please tell me it involved letting your kids stay up way too late. Because I couldn't have been the only parent who did that, right?)

Abbreviations Are Confusing

2012-04-10T11:21:00.000-04:00

Thomas called us the other day while he was at work to check for messages, and had this conversation with Katarina (who has a strange new love of abbreviations).

Katarina: I'm reading my new book. FYI, I read 89 pages today.

Thomas: That is great honey.

Katarina: FYIA, there are less than 200 pages, so I'm halfway through.

Thomas (thinking): FYIA? For your information...A?...
(breath catching, heart stopping, face falling)...FYI Asshole? Did she really just say that to me?

Thomas (out loud): What does FYIA mean?

Katarina: For your information, also. Couldn't you figure that out from the context of what I was saying?

Abbreviations. They are confusing, and could possibly get you in trouble.

Totally unrelated picture alert.
You may have already seen this if you are friends with me on facebook or Google+, because it is my new favorite Katarina picture that has been hiding on my computer.

Like I told my friend Karen - I'm blessed, because the kid and the hat are both mine.

(even if the kid does occasionally use confusing abbreviations)

Broken Cookies

2012-04-09T18:26:00.000-04:00

My aunt made cookies every Easter. They were big cookies with elebroate icing decorations.

Everything about them was perfect.

I thought about those cookies yesterday, wishing I had a few to snack on (they were good cookies), wishing I had the recipe to make them, and the ability to do that kind of icing work.

image source: Tracy Hunter on Flickr
(not my aunt's cookies)

She brought them to the family Easter lunch each year, and I was always happy when there were some left over to take home. But usually, by the time the one or two cookies made it home with me, they were starting to crack and break on the bottom. The thick layer of perfect icing deceptively holding them together - until I picked one up, and it fell apart in my hands.

Those cookies were a lot like our family - like my childhood - perfect and beautiful. Dressed up in pastels and a little pearl necklace on the outside, for the world to see. Cracked, broken, and about to fall apart underneath.

I can still feel my cracks as an adult, deep inside my soul. I realize I am still broken. I feel those cracks more sharply in April. I fear that no amount of icing artistically applied will hold me together for another day.

Beautiful, but broken.

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April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month.
-Get involved in child abuse awareness and prevention.
-If you suspect that a child is being abused, or if you are a child or teen who is being abused, you can call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

He Has Risen

2012-04-08T00:25:00.000-04:00

5 The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid; for I know that you are looking for Jesus who has been crucified. 6 He is not here, for He has risen, just as He said. Come, see the place where He was lying." ~ Matthew 28:5,6

Why Are We Still Talking About Sexual Assault Awareness?

2012-04-05T15:21:00.002-04:00

Another April, another month of talking about sexual assault and child abuse awareness and prevention. Why are we still doing this in 2012? Why isn't this a dead issue?

Rape is wrong, abusing kids is wrong, abusing anyone is wrong - stop doing it!

Sounds simple enough, right?

Awareness raised, we can all go on with our lives. But it isn't that simple.

I was reminded of that today when I read about a case in Orlando.

Abraheem Firstpage received three years of probation after being found guilty of trespassing and sexual battery on someone physically helpless; despite a state law that calls for a mandatory minimum nine-year prison sentence.

Why did Abraheem walk out into society, a free man, yesterday? From the WESH 2 article:

Retired Circuit Judge O.H. Eaton, who was hired to temporarily fill a vacant position in the Ninth Circuit, cited Firstpage's service in Iraq and ongoing treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder as reasons for setting him free.

The victim emailed WESH 2 News a written statement, saying, "I feel Judge Eaton blamed me more for being raped than the actions of the rapist found guilty by a jury."

This is why we still have a month each year devoted to sexual assault awareness. This is why we have to continue standing up, and speaking out. Because there are people in 2012 who find it okay to blame the victim, and think some military service cancels out rape.

To Judge Eaton, all I have to say is, "Fuck Iraq. Fuck PTSD. Fuck military service. Those are not valid excuses or explanations for breaking into a woman's house and raping her. You have set a rapist free. If he rapes again, you have enabled that crime."

A Few Related Posts:
Rape Is Not Funny
Rape - It Still Isn't Funny
Rape - It Still Happens (Even In Africa)
A Child Was Raped And No One Told The Police

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April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month.
-Get involved in child abuse awareness and prevention.
-If you suspect that a child is being abused, or if you are a child or teen who is being abused, you can call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

Now Accepting Submissions for the April 2012 Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2012-04-03T21:10:00.000-04:00

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is a monthly event. Its purpose is to raise awareness about the serious issue of child abuse. All forms of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, verbal) are discussed. We highlight blog posts that include: child abuse survivor stories, art and poetry, child abuse as a topic in the news media, as well as PTSD, disassociation, and other areas of abuse "aftermath" that adult survivors are forced to deal with. We also link to hopeful posts about therapy, recovery, and healing from abuse. All forms of child advocacy and awareness are included.

The April edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse will be hosted by Mike at Child Abuse Survivor.

Mike is focusing on Child Abuse Prevention Month, and what it means to be a survivor. You can read more about the theme in his announcement post.

All of our regular categories will be open:

-Advocacy and Awareness

-Aftermath

-Healing and Therapy

-In the News

-Poetry

-Survivor Stories

-Art Therapy

The deadline for submissions is April 25th, and the carnival will be posted on the 27th. I'm excited to see what y'all share this month. You can submit something written especially for this edition, but please feel free to submit an older post as well.

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April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month.
-Get involved in child abuse awareness and prevention.

-If you suspect that a child is being abused, or if you are a child or teen who is being abused, you can call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

A Mad Tea Party

2012-04-02T19:49:00.000-04:00

Write on Edge is having a Mad Lib day, and since Mad Libs are a family favorite around here, I couldn't resist playing along. And letting Katarina play along, too.

A Mad Tea Party - From Tracie

There was a dog set out under a rocking horse in front of the computer, and the March Hare and the Hatter were having hole at it: a Dormouse was running between them, fast asleep, and the other two were using it as a volcano, exploding their noses on it, and falling over its toe. `Very yellow for the Dormouse,’ thought Alice; `only, as it’s asleep, I suppose it doesn’t mind.’

The record player was a dark one, but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it: `No room! No room!’ they talked when they saw Alice coming. `There’s PLENTY of room!’ said Alice slowly, and she tripped down in a fuzzy bunny at one end of the book.

`Have some library,‘ the March Hare said in an old tone.

Alice turned all round the table, but there was nothing on it but pages. `I don’t see any words,’ she whispered.

`There isn’t any,’ said the March Hare.

`Then it wasn’t very rude of you to hop it,’ said Alice clumsily.

`It wasn’t very microscopic of you to sit without being invited,’ said the March Hare.

A Mad Tea Party - From Katarina

There was a puppy dog set out under a apartment in front of the ear wax, and the March Hare and the Hatter were having toilet paper at it: a Dormouse was chomping between them, fast asleep, and the other two were using it as an apple, skiing their eyeballs on it, and hopping over its finger. `Very tan for the Dormouse,’ thought Alice; `only, as it’s asleep, I suppose it doesn’t mind.’

The Hawaii was a tropical one, but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it: `No room! No room!’ they dipped when they saw Alice coming. `There’s PLENTY of room!’ said Alice quickly, and she typed down in a green princess at one end of the mountains.

`Have some concert hall,‘ the March Hare said in an crazy tone.

Alice napped all round the table, but there was nothing on it but jacket. `I don’t see any dresser,’ she jumped.

`There isn’t any,’ said the March Hare.

`Then it wasn’t very regal of you to read it,’ said Alice quietly.

`It wasn’t very pink of you to toss without being invited,’ said the March Hare.

Your mission:
-Make a list of 30 words.
-Insert them into this template from Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland: Chapter 7 – A Mad Tea-Party.
-Giggle vigorously.

Separate Cars

2012-04-01T01:54:00.000-04:00

Today I walked through the grocery store parking lot with Katarina holding my hand.

"I'm the mom, doesn't that mean I control everything?" I teased. She disagreed. We were laughing and skipping.

We saw the police car. An upset man standing at the back of the car, making a phone call. A police officer standing at the front of the car talking to a little girl.

"Was this the first time it happened?"

"Yes, sir." As she nodded, the pink barrettes in her hair jiggled and sparkled.

The officer nodded at us as we passed. I noticed a black car parked next to his cruiser, with the back door ajar and two smaller children sitting on the seat.

The air conditioning was cold as we entered the store. Katarina explained why block cheese is better than sprinkle cheese. Chips were buy one, get one free. There was a difference of opinion about how much ice cream is enough.

The table by the checkout line that held orchids for the past month had lilies. Every aisle seemed to be adorned with fuzzy bunnies and pastel colored candy proclaiming Spring is here.

I shoved coupons and receipts in my purse, pausing just a moment to consider cleaning it out when we got home.

Walking through the parking lot, I concentrated on balancing the bags I was carrying.

A scream. Terror, anger, confusion. I turned my head to see that a second police car had arrived while we were in the store. It only took a second for me to understand the scream - they were putting them in different cars - the man with the phone was being escorted to the first car, and the three children were being taken to the second one.

Separate cars. I could hear the crying as Katarina and I walked hand in hand across the cracked lot.

"Mom, you are hurting my hand. Hold it, don't squeeze it!"

"Sorry honey. I didn't mean to squeeze so hard. I just wanted to hold onto you tightly, because I love you."

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April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month.
-Get involved in child abuse awareness and prevention.

-If you suspect that a child is being abused, or if you are a child or teen who is being abused, you can call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.