::.towards less of me.::

Psalm of Lament

2007-10-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

For my Psalms class, we have to write our own psalms, following the basic rules for the different types of psalms. This week, we had to write a psalm of lament. Here is mine, that I wrote right after having seen a play about child soldiers in Uganda.

PSALM OF LAMENT
(after seeing "Butterflies of Uganda")

We've heard it said
You are righteous and You are just.
We've heard it said, You are committed to us,
You hear the cry of the oppressed,
And You don't break promises.
Our Mothers and Fathers
Our Teachers and Pastors
They spoke of Your faithfulness.

But today, we do not see justice.
We do not see righteousness.
Today, we do not see faithfulness.

I see our families being ripped apart.
I hear gunshots;
The cries of our mothers being raped.
The cries of our fathers being maimed.
I smell the smoke from our charred homes,
I feel the hot breath of the rebels on our necks,
I hear their shrill voices ordering us
To kill.

I've heard of Moses, how You parted the Red Sea,
I've heard of Paul, how You delivered him from prison,
I've heard of the blind man, You gave him sight.
Oh God,
Have You heard of us?

We are the child soldiers,
Will you deliver us?

What have we done, Lord?
We were blameless.
We were children.
We played, we laughed, we sang to You.

Tonight it is cold, it is dark, it is haunting.
We plead;
Act on our behalf.
Hear our cry.
We trust, as much as we know how.
We want to believe in the power of your miracles.
Give us a reason for our hope,
For Your name's sake.
For us.
So we can join our Mothers, our Fathers,
Our teachers, our Pastors,
In telling of Your faithfulness.
Make haste, Lord,
Make haste to save us.
Amen.

2007-10-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

I "randomly" fell upon an old Robbie Seay song I used to play all the time. As I listened to it again today, after something like two years, I was reminded about how much this song still who I want to be. it's simple, not academic, not particulary poetic, but to me, it's profound.

all i want

all i want is my frustation to be replaced with signs of spring
all i want is confirmation that You're gonna see me through this thing

all i want,
all i want,
all i want is You.

all i want is just a window to let me know there's light outside
all i want is confirmation that what i'm feeling isn't right.

all i want is that You'd find me and i'd have nothing more to say.
all i want is pure reflection of the One who's standing right in front of me.

2007-08-29T18:04:00.001-07:00

"A perilous proposition […] asserts that Christianity, by its very nature, is concerned exclusively with the relation of the soul to eternity, that the essential realization religion should provide is the worthlessness of human expectations of a better life on earth. It insists that the son of God took our flesh not to relieve our sufferings but to forgive our sins, and so the Church’s function is to focus not on violations of social justice but on the undying hardness of human hearts.
This thesis does violence to Scripture. Those who read in the biblical text a sheerly personal, individualistic morality have not understood the Torah, have not sung the Psalms, have not been burned by the prophets, have not perceived the implications and the very burden of Jesus’ message, and must inevitably play fast and loose with St Paul. "

- Burghardt.

2007-08-07T20:01:00.001-07:00

why is there more in the news about the collapsed minnesotan bridge where 9 people died than there is about the floods in south asia, where millions of people are awaiting relief?

The End of Another Quarter

2007-06-10T01:36:00.001-07:00

This time around, being done with papers feels much like the end of the Bac. I handed in my papers and a sense of giddiness/laughter/"grande joie" entered my stomach, making its way up to my face.
And since then, it's been one good thing after the other: Leffe Blonde, Soccer, Margaritas.
Oh, student life. How I love it.

Musings.

2007-05-25T11:30:00.000-07:00

I am not one to speak up in class very often. But if there's something that really grabs me, then I'll discuss it (often to the death) until I gain some increased understanding. In my Anthropology class about folk beliefs and practices, the questions abound. I speak up way too often, it seems.
This week, I was struggling with the understanding and expression of my own beliefs and practices. I seem to tend towards a more monastic spirituality, I want to stay away from formulas and treating Jesus merely like "my best buddy" or someone I can bargain with. My spirituality is usually more concerned with the philosophical and the mystical than it is with the immediate, than with the efficiency of my prayers. [although I do appreciate that God is involved in the latter too.]
The question for me is how does my spirituality, that is somewhat other-worldly and sort of abstract, connect with cultures where people are concerned with what works right now and with what best answers their immediate needs?

I left class feeling like the most important thing - and this is basic - is to let myself be transformed by Christ. Persevere in the disciplines. Seek His presence all the time and do so with intentionality. Be open to the guiding of the Spirit, whatever that looks like. Let my transformed life be enough of a witness. I can't rely on my own smart anthropological insights to communicate Christ to people - I can only be in touch with the Source and let Him communicate through me...

So help me God to be Your faithful instrument.

Hermosa Beach Church Retreat

2007-05-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

Good times!
Especially late nights in the lobby.
What?

The Little Things In Life

2007-05-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

Life can be bettered by a multitude of different things, like profound philosophical discoveries or spiritual insight or deep conversation. But lately, this place is what has added goodness to my life:

It rivals Les Brasseurs.
Which, if you know me, is a quite a statement.
It kind of feels like home away from home.
In a weird way :)

Strawberries and Covenant Community

2007-04-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

A Wycliffe worker in Papua New Guinea once saw hundreds of strawberries floating down the village river. He found out that they were the unsold strawberries from the local market - it was too much of a hassle for the farmer to carry them back to their villages, so the easiest way to dispose of them was to throw the surplus into the river.
Well, there was a city not too far away, and the Wycliffe worker thought strawberries might sell there for a high price. He talked to the farmers and said that if they boxed their extra strawberries, he would fly them to the city and sell them at the markets there.
The idea yielded much profit. The strawberries were selling so well that they soon covered the cost of the plane fuel, a small salary for the workers, and even provided for a high-interest fund that was divided among the farmers at the end of the year.
There were a couple things that made the project difficult however. One was that the village farmers would often cheat by putting rotten berries at the bottom of the boxes - it was a cultural norm for them to cheat as long as they didn't get caught. And cheating was made easier by the fact that no one openly confronted anybody else in the culture. Confrontation was something they never did. Soon enough, the city people stopped buying the strawberries, because they realised how many rotten ones they were getting. The Wycliffe worker explained this to the farmers: "If you put rotten strawberries into the boxes, no one will want to buy them, and soon enough, you will make no more extra money off of these strawberries." He confronted them when he saw the farmers cheating and made each farmer label his boxes for accountability. The project continued to be successful and to benefit the farmers.
Eventually, it was time for the Wycliffe worker to leave. He trained the farmers to handle the money, taught them how to handle the city markets, etc. He left the business in the hands of a few trusted farmers.
Three months later, the strawberry business went under. The city people were not buying the farmers' strawberries, because they were finding, once again, that half of the boxes were filled with rotten fruit. These farmers' culture had worked against them - with no one to do any confronting, the farmers had started cheating again.

My professor told us this story to illustrate the need for establishing covenant community: a kind of community where relationship and commitment to one another is central - community like God intends it, no matter what culture one exists in. The farmers in this story were all Christians - but the Gospel hadn't transformed their cheating or their inability to confront one another.
He argued that the only way one can "teach" covenant community is through simulation - in this case, the Wycliffe worker could have had his farmers simulate the two approaches to the strawberry project; their way and the covenant community way. By role-playing and being in other people's shoes, the truth could have been driven home: the way God intends things to be is really the way things work best... It goes beyond Bible studies and training seminars. People need to be involved and they need to experience the way these values play out.

So, these are the kinds of things I'm learning about in seminary. That day, I learned that there need to be those people who can "train" people in covenant community. And you know what? I think that's something I could do, as a Christian anthropologist! It's even something I could be quite passionate about! And all that, without even having to become a nurse or an engineer or something... Exciting prospect! It reminded me of being in Thailand and having such a strong desire for the Christians there to be living out what they were being taught by the missionaries. I remember being so much more concerned with how Bible studies affected their everyday interactions with one another, moreso than with how many verses they could recite or what they could say about it. I love this kind of stuff - it makes my heart excited.

Gethsemani

2007-03-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

After a brief exhange with a monk at Gethsemani Abbey (where Thomas Merton was a monk), I found myself longing for a much deeper experience of Christ: more contemplation, more intentionality in my pursuit of Him, and ultimately, more love for Him and for people.

Born Into Brothels

2007-03-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here, eyes filled with tears. I just watched "Born Into Brothels" and really, I don't think I can craft a post that does justice to all the emotions I've just experienced.
All I know, is that when I saw those kids - kids with no future, abused and beat by their parents, and seemingly doomed to a life of crime in Calcutta's brothels - when I saw those kids' eyes light up as they saw their own work on display for the whole world to see... it just really moved me. [as I said, I am at a loss for trying to express it all.]
The power of releasing creativity in marginalized people is just incredible. I hope I get to experience something like this first hand someday.
This picture was taken by one of the boys who grew up in Calcutta's Red District. [taken from www.kidswithcameras.com]:

the unthinkable

2007-02-18T11:49:00.000-08:00

i just did the unthinkable.
i hang my head in shame.
i microwaved a cup of leftover drip coffee from yesterday!
i think i've hit the bottom.

Walter Brueggeman

2006-11-13T10:48:00.000-08:00

My new favourite book is a collection of Walter Brueggeman's prayers. And this is why:

"All power, honour, glory be to you!
You... sometimes hidden, silent, absent, unresponsive.
We are so privileged that we seldom sense you
hidden, silent, absent, unresponsive.
But we know people who do,
we think of places where you do not appear.
We imagine you defeated
weak,
held captive.
And we wait a day
two days,
until the third day.
And then, most often then,
quite reliably then,
you appear then in your full glory.
This day we pray against your absence, silence, and hiddeness.
Come with your full power into deathly places,
and we will praise you deep and full. Amen."
- Walter Brueggeman

Little Miss Sunshine

2006-09-21T23:58:00.000-07:00

I just saw the best movie I have seen in years!
It was real, it was endearing, it was hilarious.
I mean, seriously, I laughed out loud til I was crying!
Go see it.

I've Been Thinking About:

2006-09-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

The UN General Assembly, in session right now - a lot of words being said. it scares me a little about the state of the world.
Darfur & The Democratic Republic of Congo - it's genocide happening all over again. what am i doing about it? what are you?
Living in Pasadena - went out to lucky baldwin's last night, where there was no music and everyone was quiet, because they were shooting a scene. only in southern california!
School - it starts next week, and i am really looking forward to it.

Hopefully, I will be better about writing on here. Sorry for the long silence...

Pendant Ce Temps, a Geneve...

2006-08-09T13:19:00.000-07:00

Right now, back in Geneva, six of my favourite people (most of my favourite people, actually) are spending their evening together, laughing, eating thai food, and sharing life.
I miss each and every one of them.
And I miss what we are when we're together.
These friendships have taken time. The community they've come to create is something I yearn for almost daily. Some of these people I have grown up with. Some, I have been in ministry with. Some, I have served with. Some, I have been on three different contintents with. They know me. I know them. We all know each other - to a certain degree, at least.
These people are home to me. I love them, I miss them, I want to be in ministry with them.
Ah, impossible dreams!

Rob Bell At Fuller

2006-08-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

Rob Bell spoke at Fuller last night. It was good, it was inspiring, it was challenging. Everything I expected from the man, really. He took us through the exodus - from Egypt to Sinai, to Jerusalem, and finally to Babylon. He noted that Israel's history repeats itself in the lives of His people today, he placed Jesus within this story, and he revealed more of our own story through it. His talk seems to have been an abridged version of a series of four sermons he gave at his church in Grand Rapids called "The New Exodus" - you can find them here.
Hearing him speak made me long for more teachings like this. It made me think about the role of sermons, and the role of teachers within a church community. In my church community, we do not have "sermons". In fact, we rarely have any real "teaching". I am beginning to miss it. And it's not necessarily hearing a person preach from the pulpit that I miss, as much as just learning from someone who knows more than I do about following Jesus; someone passionately sharing what they've learned or how God has been challenging them.
I realise a sermon will rarely change my life - it will not transform me overnight. But solid teaching is good. It is biblical. It is one of the ways I am encouraged to grow. I need it. So without idolising the sermon, let me just state that I miss it...

Father & Son at the hospital

2006-08-06T17:55:00.000-07:00

Our church visited Ronnie at the hospital today. He has been in a coma for two months, after miraculously suriving a motorcycle accident on Angeles Crest Highway. We prayed for him, and spent time with his girlfriend, his mother, and his father.
The tears didn't come to me until I observed his father bending over him, holding his hand, and placing his face inches from his. It was a gesture filled with a love that is rarely witnessed. It was a gesture filled with desperation, and hope, and intensity. It was a picture of a father loving on his comatose son. It was beautiful.
Can you picture God caring for us like that? Loving on us, His comatose people. His children who are so prone to wandering, to forgetfulness, to idolatry. And yet, He holds us close, He whispers, and He cares for us deeply and intensly.

"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17

Malibu Creek State Park

2006-08-05T17:01:00.000-07:00

Goodness

2006-07-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

I am feeling all warm and fuzzy inside.
Good hangout time with people from church.
I am in love with a Joshua Radin song called "These Photographs."
I love having a house to myself.
Nights are cooling down and I can hear crickets.
I love moments like these.

What?!

2006-07-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

The one year bible is having me read through the book of Romans right now. I'm reminded how much i really don't get this whole predestination thing. It makes me want stop being a Christian. I do not understand how God can create people just as objects of wrath (Romans 9:13-24). I understand that a potter has the right to create some pots for decoration and some for trash. But pots don't have souls or feelings or hearts or tears.
How can God call some to Himself while He lets others' hearts harden?

How can i trust - really trust - a God like that???

The answers i want to give myself are:
- look at Jesus - He radically loved everyone. Preoccupy yourself with following his teachings and imitating his life.
- His ways are not your ways. Trust that God is good, even though it may seem completely foolish.
- "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."

But still, I am highly bothered. This seems to be the thorn in my side, the one that keeps coming back...

Growing Up

2006-07-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

I remember reading the first few chapter of Thomas Merton's book Seven Story Mountain some years ago. He describes the little French village he grew up in, noting how the village's layout pointed to God. The church was at the center of the village, and it sat on a hill. All the activity was based around the church. That square was where people gathered, where teenagers hung out, where families got their milk and bread.
I grew up in such a village, but never thought twice about its layout.
But I can see how God has had his hand on me since the day I was born. Last night, I heard some Taize hymns and some greek Orthodox chants - the music plunged me into memories of growing up in my little French village. Every Sunday, my family went to church. The kids didn't understand what was going on (the liturgy was all in Greek) but we knew it was meaningful. We weren't talked down to, or exaplained everything. But there was a deep awareness of God. An awe. A curiosity. Something sacred.
I am just starting to see how all these elements - the village, the rituals of church, praying before meals - shaped me. It wasn't cognitive. I didn't understand much of it. But it shaped my soul. It prepared the way. It taught me reverence and awe. It is part of how I understand God and God's ways today.
And I'm really thankful for those early years.

Alive

2006-07-21T23:51:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation today with a friend I met in a class I took during the winter quarter. It was the kind of conversation that leaves you on a high because you feel like you've been heard, encouraged, and challenged all at the same time. A conversation full of the Spirit of God. One thing he said that I want to give a lot of thought and prayer to, was that it might be more in my giftings to inspire and influence people to cultivate a heart for the world and the poor, rather than to go live and serve directly among them. I hadn't thought about that before, and I think he may be on to something.
I've been back in Pasadena for a couple weeks now, and God has been showing up everywhere. I feel like I'm being constantly reminded of who He made to be, and the kinds of things He may want me to do. He continues to teach me about hospitality - and His goodness - through the new family I'm living with. And He is drawing me to Himself in a way I hadn't experienced in a long time - I am finding both time and the desire to be with Him, to pray, to read the Word. How revitalising! It is so easy to lose perspective, and to become self-rigtheous and self-sufficient... It's quite gross, really...

nothing new under the sun

2006-06-26T10:08:00.000-07:00

I spent some time reading past posts from this blog - it seems that the same things keep coming up. My regret at needing people's approval so much, my desire for a relationship with Christ over a new theology, my feeling of loss over moves and friendships.
And as I sit here in Nashville, I'm thinking about all those things all over again.
I'm thinking about how self-centered I can get, and how much correction I need. I'm thinking about how much I lack discipline in seeking Christ, and how much more I need to conform to Him and His ways. I'm thinking about how much I hate goodbyes and how they follow me everywhere I go. I'm thinking about how much I miss involvement in meaningful things.
I feel like I need someone - or a group of people - who will not let me get away with laziness, with bad attitudes, and selfishness. People who will gently force me into a rythm of devotion to God. People who are in love with God and passionate about living out His Kingdom.
I am so tired - and scared! - of living with this sense of mediocrity, this sense of restlesness, this sense that there is so much more I could be doing, so much more I could be becoming.

2006-06-24T22:14:00.000-07:00

it has been so long.
and i long for simpler faith.
for childlike prayer.
for a heart that feels.
for eyes that take it all in.
all the wonder, all the beauty, all the light.
i miss you,
and i can't move me from here.
can you?