The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

Never Had A Hangover

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 19:48:00 +0000

A little snippet of info. Jane has never had a hangover, she says. Is that one reason why she drinks a bottle of vodka a day when she is binging? What I mean is that if you know you are going to suffer an almighty hangover it puts the brakes on the amount you drink.

They say that drinking vodka does not give you a hangover. By hangover I mean a headache. There are other symptoms but the headache is the main symptom.

Jane does suffer anxiety attacks after a binge and stomach ache. And she also feels very sick. She makes herself sick to stop feeling sick. It provides temporary relief. That is why I make her take valium (diazepam) 2 - 4 pills and molitium an anti-sickness pill (before she is sick for obvious reasons). These do the trick (just) if they are taken at the right time and the binge is not too long. The timing is important.

Photo: on Flickr creative commons by Toms Bauģis (modified by me)

Planning a Binge

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 21:41:00 +0000

Diary - Photo by kevinspencer

I think it is worth making two points about binge alcoholism. The newspapers frequently refer to binge drinking in the UK. For the most part these people are not alcoholics. They are just drinking excessively at the weekend. Some may develop into full blown alcoholics. This will happen when they cross the wire. They won't know they have crossed it until one day it dawns on them.

Secondly, Jane plans well ahead when she is going to binge. The appropriate days will be holidays. The classic free days for a binge are at Christmas. She almost always had a binge at Christmas. She will make extensive plans to do x, y and z and then go to bed for the entire duration and drink neat vodka out of the bottle. Washout Christmas.

True binge drinkers are planners and plotters. They may also trickle drink in between binges. There are no clear boundaries between abstaining from drink and boozing. It merges slightly.

Craving The Normal

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 06:51:00 +0000

Photo by dpwk

Is there such a thing as a normal relationship? Probably not. But there is such a thing as a positive, hopeful relationship. A positive relationship is one that is constructive. It is one where you go forward and improve your lives together.

In a relationship with an alcoholic it is not possible to go forward, to build for the future. This destroys hope. Alcoholism prevents a constructive way of life because it constantly erodes relationships, finances, jobs and health. It holds the alcoholic and the relationship back. You tread water.

It is nice to be able to look to a better future. It makes life more bearable. All of us need to think that there is something better in the future; that we can make things better if we do x, y and z. That does not apply to the alcoholic environment.

An alcoholic's life if about just getting by. Not losing your job, if you have one. Trying to stay healthy. Making exorbitant health insurance payments because you sure as hell need health insurance. In fact an alcoholic gets a good deal from health insurance because they make so many claims.

Life is abnormal with an alcoholic. You forget, though what normal is. You normalize the abnormal. A good relationship is mutually supportive. There is a marked lack of mutuality in a relationship with an alcoholic. It tends to be one sided: the sick person and the carer.

How alcohol affects the pancreas

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 08:38:00 +0000

Photo: by ex_magician

I'll tell you how alcohol affects the pancreas for Jane. Rarely for Jane her alcoholic binging causes pancreatitis. The rarity level is perhaps, at a guesstimate, about one time in 25 binges. However it is a very serious, life threatening condition. This is not chronic pancreatitis. For Jane it is acute pancreatitis brought on by a particular binge lasting about 7 days.

She will have have pain in her stomach area, which is a sign of pancreatitis. Of course this may be muddied up by pain in her stomach due to inflammation of the stomach by the neat Vodka.

She will have to go to hospital after some long binges. An ambulance is called and she is wheeled out of the home (literally).

The hospital visit will last about a week and recovery at home afterward will be about 10 days. The way the doctors cure acute pancreatitis is to have her stop eating and drinking as I recall. It would seem to be nil by mouth for a few days. The pancreas heals itself.

I am talking about a long binge that causes real health issues. Shorter binges of about 3 days can be dealt with using Valium and anti-sickness pills in combination after she has stopped.

Another serious illness caused by a long binge (one bottle of Vodka per day for 7 days), is liver disease. Jane has on occasion looked jaundiced - yellow eyes. This is a sign of liver malfunction brought on by the alcohol.

Never Be Right

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 21:05:00 +0000

It will never be right. I guess that is obvious. It is obvious to me but I have learnt to put up with it - until I just can't take anymore. Jane is at the end of the line at work with her absenteeism and with me. If she binges again it could push both me and her employers over the edge. She probably wouldn't get another job.

One of the many problems is that Jane binges when she is off work. So from my perspective she is either at work when I can't do things with her or drunk in bed when I can't do things with her. In practice I am almost living alone already.

The number of great days she has missed is enormous. Sunny, beautiful days when we could have gone out and done something really nice. Instead she has wallowed in her own urine and feces in her moldy bed with empty bottles scattered all around. The whole room pongs to high heaven after she has been binging for five days.

And that is another point. The whole home starts to smell because the horrible smell that she creates leaks out of her room no matter what I do. I have tried sealing up the door but I have to get in to feed her (if I am in the mood).

Jane was good yesterday evening. We actually went out to a local club. It worked. Yet today she has started to drink because she is off for two days and that is a good time for a mini binge. Trouble is mini binges have a habit of becoming maxi binges.

One last point tonight. Jane still drinks secretly. I never see her drink. She still denies that she is drinking when it is obvious that she is. These are signs that she is not a recovering alcoholic but a full blown one. It is only when an alcoholic admits it and opens up that they can begin the journey back to normality. Jane still deceives herself.

Thinking of Moving Again

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 12:30:00 +0000

The roller coaster continues. I am jerked hither and thither not knowing what the hell to do. She has just had another binge. Her bedroom still stinks. But she says she may be the world's untidiest person (she definitely is) but she is clean (she definitely is not). You cannot be clean if the floor is covered in everything, literally everything is on the bloody floor. She hoards manically. She does this because she is scared of everything. She panics at the drop of a hat, at anything. She defends the indefensible and argues at anything. She provokes arguments. She is only happy when she is sad. Madness. An upside down word.

She is losing her job. At last! Her employer has been jerked along by her lies about absenteeism - always an illness but of course never alcoholism. She must be the most ill person at her place of work. No one has had as many illnesses as her! And they take a month to get over. Errr..no her binges take a month to get over.

My mind wanders to a calm place where I can be normal. But I don't want to be alone.

Saying Sorry Is Pointless

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 03:18:00 +0000

As all the commentators to this site have said, things don't change for the true alcoholic. Maybe they do for some but it is rare and Jane is not one of those who will ever change.

She had another binge recently. The whole episode lasted three weeks, from a week's binge, a week's recovery at hospital and home and a further weeks recovery and sorting out getting back to work. She is still off work and going back Monday. She has been lazy. A lazy mind leads to alcoholism.

Did I say work!? Not much chance of that for the future. Her employer is very tolerant but she is heading for the sack. It is a question of time not if. And it is a decent job for her.

Of course I am used to her alcoholic binges but they are hard to deal with. This time she missed three important events one of which concerned me (and very important to me) and I said I will never forgive her for it. I won't. She does feel very bad about it and says sorry but saying sorry is pointless.

Living As Best As We Can

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 15:35:00 +0000

A nice person asked me to write more on this blogger site, so this is for you. I live day by day and ask few questions. It is best that way.

The fact that I stayed has motivated Jane to stay sober but that does not mean she is always sober. She has had one 5 day binge since I discontinued searching for a new home. Not bad really.

We came to an agreement. I would stop putting her down and she would stop drinking. It helps. Not that I was actually putting her down - perhaps occasionally but that was due to her behavior.

Anyway, there is no point in finding fault; just got to look forward and stay optimistic. I have decided that living with Jane is better than living alone.

If she can improve a bit it will help stabilise the relationship. She wants me to stay although she says horrible things when drunk - don't we all though?

Days off are a trigger for her to drink. She plans ahead. Jane has found one (of many) technique to stay off the bottle when she has some days off (she does shift work). She does housework; lots of it.

This keeps her occupied and active. This distracts her from the pull to drink. She also goes for runs (30 mins and quite hard). Both these things help to deflect her brain from thinking about vodka.

Every time an alcoholic does not drink, when he or she feels like drinking, is one nail in the coffin of alcoholism. Conversely every time she succumbs to her desire to drink it is one more reinforcement activity that supports the habit of alcoholism.

Loving An Alcoholic

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 07:12:00 +0000

Yep, feeble I might be but I have failed to buy a new property to live in to escape living with Jane. I had all the good intentions and got to the point where I was to contract to buy an apartment but the landlord would not agree certain terms relating to keeping a domestic cat so the transaction feel thorough. I then tried buying a house. And in London houses start at about half a million pounds.

That also fell through because.....I just can't see myself living alone. I have tried it and it gradually kills me. My motivation to move has waned and has been lost.

I more or less decided - it was forced on me in the heat of decision making while preparing to move - that I cannot live alone and be content. I would rather live with a binge alcoholic hard though that can be at times, than live alone in a nice house.

And I do love her. It is hard for me accept that part of me too. But there is something inside Jane that makes me love her.

Perhaps it is a reflection of my weaknesses? Perhaps I need to care for someone? God I have no idea. I think it is just plain good old fashioned love that beats the destruction of the relationship through alcoholism.

And alcoholism does destroy the relationship. It is highly corrosive. It undermines everything...but for the time being love triumphs in this household.

Update from a victim of an alcoholic

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 13:01:00 +0000

Look, I know that it is a bit extreme to call myself a "victim" as I put myself here. But it is not all about free choice. The emotional ties are strong. You are in a very difficult place when you get stuck with an alcoholic. You know you have to leave but you find it very difficult.

However, as I said, I am leaving because it is the right thing to do - hard though it is.

I am buying my own home. I am struggling with this because it is sh*t buying a place in London, England. It is competitive and very expensive and....I could go on.

I expect to be out of here in about a month or two. Then this diary will become something different.

I intend to still see Jane but not as an alcoholic lying in her filth. I want to see only the good bits of her and only have the nice experiences.

I feel depressed about it and worried about it all. I must go on. It is the only way forward.

Made herself sick for ten hours every five minutes

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 14:28:00 +0000

Jane made herself sick for a straight ten hours every five minutes after stopping her latest binge at about midnight. True. It started at about midnight last night and continued until ten this morning after she called a doctor to stop her. The only way to stop her at that stage is to give her an injection of a drug that chills her out and breaks the cycle. The drug is aloso an anti-sickness drug.

Where Jane binged and made herself sick- image deliberately modified using "ink outlines"

The point is this. She makes herself sick by stuffing her right hand down her throat. As her stomach is empty she drinks milk or flavoured water so that she can at least sick something up. Even with the flavoured water not much comes up. There is a massive amount of painful retching with nothing coming up. She cries out. She is in pain. She wants to be in pain. She wants to hurt herself. It is a form of self harm. Self harm born out of a disgust of herself. It is beyond low self esteem. It is self hate. The acid in her stomach damages her teeth and burns her lips. Her throat becomes sore because of constant contact with her fingers. Her stomach muscles ache badly. Her stomach becomes inflammed.

I was woken by her when she started. Actually, she may have started hours earlier. And because it is incredibly difficult for me to hear her harm herself like this, it is impossible to get back to sleep. I listened to the whole thing except for about two hours at the end when I was so exhausted and tortured that I fell asleep. It was agony for both of us. Note: we are in separate rooms.

Why didn't I stop her? It is impossible to stop her. She enters a temporary state of pure madness. She is a little mad permanently, though. And I am totally fed up with it. I was 99.9% of the way to strangling her. True.

This behavior of Jane also has a connection with bulimia and anorexia. She is borderline on both, it seems to me.

It is pure agony living through this sort of thing. I had to go out at about 10:00 am and when I got back at about 10:40 she had gone. I presume an ambulance had come and picked her up.

I heard her making the phone calls. She lies to medical people and herself about her drinking even after 30 years of it.

She told them she is a "heavy drinker". She is much more than that. She says she can't stop being sick after "heavy drinking". She makes herself sick. This is a different situation - completely different. She deceives the medical people. This makes it difficult for them.

It also shows that after all these years she does not admit to being an alcoholic. That is why she still is an alcoholic. The first stage in the process of recovery is to admit that you are addicted. It's a failure all round.

I'll be out of her in seven days all being well. Note: I chose to be here knowing her alcoholism. I choose to leave. I have my own weaknesses just like anyone else.

Crawling To Safety

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 20:52:00 +0000

I thought I would share this little snippet of information with you. Alcoholics fall over a lot. If you live in a home with hard floors this can kill you especially as the alcohol in booze is a diuretic. You have to go to the bathroom, the room of shiny tiles and hard basins.

Over the years and with constant pestering by me, Jane has learned to crawl around the home when drunk. She has had some bad falls in the past - nasty breaks. Crawling looks and is undignified but an alcoholic will never break anything when crawling.

Safety always comes first. I found it unnerving when Jane walked (staggered) to the bathroom. I would wait for the dull thud as she hit the floor. She would lie there stunned or knocked out.

Eventually she would wake up and calmly carry on! I shan't tell you the list of injuries she has incurred while walking and falling. She is a expert crawler now...

The difference between a drinker and an alcoholic

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 15:17:00 +0000

Escape from this life - photo by Jhon Ceceña

Alcoholism is essentially a habit. It is a very strong habit because it is the operation of a chemical (ethanol alcohol) on the brain. It is extremely direct. It is a habit nonetheless. This is a controversial point. Alcoholism is described as a disease. I don't believe this. This is a politically correct term to help alcoholics.

People who drink, say everyday, without being alcoholic (and I mean this objectively) are able to recognize the stage at which they are during drinking. They understand and keep in mind the downside, the headache and dehydration etc. In other words the brain although enjoying the moment is aware of the situation.

The alcoholic will ignore the downside. They take every drink of vodka (usually) as if it is the first. The first drink that gives them that rush of pleasure. They seek that. They want to recreate that. The pleasure is "getting out" for a while.

They seek that rush. That opt-out from life. They think that it happens every time you drink for the first time. It does not. Beyond a certain amount of alcohol or point in time the downside outstrips the upside. The alcoholics don't recognize this which inevitably leads to a long binge in the case of Jane with disastrous consequences for health, finances and relationships.

Leaving at Last

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 04:22:00 +0000

Yes, it is true. I am leaving Jane at last. I am moving out. I am in the process of buying a new home. It is not that far away, which I guess carries some dangers but I will be alone in my place, a place that Jane can't mess up. And she will no longer be able to mess me up too.

Of course she is upset, big time upset. But she even says that she understands why so that is some recognition by her of what she has done and is like.

She has had two huge month-long binges recently that have finished me off. I just can't take anymore. My brain has told me to go, get out. It is a pure survival thing. I almost have no choice anymore. It is go or something bad will happen.

There have been times when I have genuinely wanted to kill her - strangle her to death with a smile on my face. She has pushed me 90% of the way to that feeling and that is scary, believe me as I am not some sort of alpha male violent person.

In the last binge she pissed, defecated and vomited into her own bed and she lay in it for ten days! The binge lasted three-plus weeks. She lay in bed still for almost four weeks. She barely ate. She made the usual chaotic mess. She fell over as usual on a hard floor. I waited for her to die. She will outlive me if I stay. The whole flat smelled awful. It was intolerable. When she stopped she spoke complete nonsense for most of one day. She was temporarily insane. It was disturbing.

I have to remove myself from this madness. I have warned her over and over again that I am leaving if she continued and she continued. She makes little effort to stop, to change her ways or listen. She keeps saying that she is going to AA but doesn't which shows a distinct lack of commitment.

It will be hard for me. I will have to rebuild my life and I am not young anymore. I am old and I feel old but there is no other way. I am joining a club nearby to see if I can socialize a bit more and play some sport. I am naturally good at sport so can enjoy it again.

But I am scared. Scared of being alone and becoming depressed. Depressed to the point where I can no longer live and take my own life. I have the courage to do that. Wish me luck.

Update Feb 2011: I am actually about to move. It should happen within two weeks. This is hard. I feel sad. I feel unnerved. Jane is still the same and the situation is stressed but I do my best to keep things calm while I make preparations to go. I am holding firm and will not waiver.

In short my mind is made up. I have joined a local sports club and am doing more gym work, golf and tennis etc. I like sport and am good at it although I am no longer young so my body doesn't hold up that well. Sport helps me to feel better. I do gym work mainly to feel better because I am sad at being alone again.

I would see Jane again after I go if she wants to meet up as long as she is sober. I'll Breathalyzer her when she turns up to visit! But I don't think she will visit and if she does occasionally she will probably be drunk so no point.

I am trying to be more sociable, to meet people and make friends but it is a bit of a struggle as I am not that sociable a person. I just want one good women to share life with, which seems to be impossible for me to achieve.

Update 2nd March 2011: Jane has started a binge. She started about 3 days ago. My life feels alien to me. I am alone.

It's Been Bad

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 19:54:00 +0000

This will be short. About 2 months ago Jane had a month long binge with two hospital visits in the middle. She fell over five times in one day onto a hard floor. She broke her wrist and is off work for about three months in total. This is causing huge financial problems for her and it has pretty much broken our relationship, what was left of it.

I can't get it back. I lose my cool all the time and I am thoroughly pissed off with her. I really have to leave but I don't want to. I am torn. I will go eventually. There is no other choice. This is sad. Jane's "illness" has finally broken the relationship. It was always destined to be this way.

It has been a roller coaster. The last binge was the longest she has ever had and it was after one of the best spells off drink. So you see, the problem (that causes the alcoholism) has to come out. You bottle it up and it comes out more strongly.

I am damaged by all this a bit. Al anon doesn't work. It is too chatty and ineffectual for me. It is a tea party.

A Road to Alcoholism

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 05:52:00 +0000

Take a daughter who should have been a son. The mother wanted a boy. The mother can barely bring herself to name the child. The mother is cold and emotionally dead. The father is good but Victorian strict - too strict.

He is too critical of his daughter. The parents are incompatible. They argue. They shout at each other and don't get on. They stick together because there is nothing better for them.

The formative years roll out under this umbrella of uncertainty, antagonism and criticism. The objective of a parent is to instill confidence in a child. The opposite is being achieved. The child becomes very insecure. She grows up. She has low self-esteem.

An insecure person with low self-esteem automatically finds life a lot more difficult than it already is.

She discovers alcohol and it smooths out the rough edges. It makes her difficult and uncomfortable life more comfortable. Her brain warms to that feeling.

As her body becomes habituated to ethanal alcohol she needs more to get that warm feeling. The years roll by, maybe 20 years elapse. She creeps ever closer to the wire; the wire that is the boundary between control over drinking and addiction.

Without ever knowing it she slips over the wire. She will never be able to go back - to be normal again. Once you have crossed the wire, your life has changed for ever and it is a lot worse.

She losses control of her life. She losses jobs and cannot form relationships. She is considered mad by some people. She eats poorly and has health problems. Her life on occasions is chaotic. She has boxes of pills, plastic bags full of them. Most deal with depression. What else? When she is binging her physical surroundings of mess and her appearance, that of a tramp, mirror her self-loathing.

This once sweet, gentle daughter with a life of hope and aspirations ahead of her is living a nightmare. She is now in her 50s and barely hanging on. She thinks of one thing repeatedly - how to get out, really get out, not live in the twilight zone betwixt death and life.

She does not have the courage to kill herself but frequently thinks about it. Yes, there are some good moments. There are moments when the poison that is her damaged character is boxed up, quiet.

But, there is insecurity, low self-esteem and addiction to alcohol to control. These will always find a way to express themselves. They can be bottled up for a while but it'll come out somewhere, sometime, someway.

Jane has started to binge again. She has binged, gone to hospital, come out and almost immediately restarted. She went to the doctor to get a sick note and she bought two bottles of vodka on leaving the doctor's surgery. If I try and stop her she calls the police. There is no point trying to stop her.

As I said, it has to express itself and nothing will get in the way. She is waiting to be released from the agony of living. I want to stop loving and hating her.

Photo: by gustaffo89 (Flickr)

I think she is getting better

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 06:39:00 +0000

This is an update. Aren't all the posts update?! I think (just think without any optimism as you can't be optimistic about alcoholism) that Jane might be getting better.

What gives me a bit of hope? The other morning, she volunteered some information. She said that she had taken a bottle of wine (that was in the fridge for me!), opened it and then decided not to drink it. She said that she had thought how it would affect me and our cats. WOW.

I have always said to her that there must be a moment, perhaps 30 seconds in duration, during which she has a choice to drink or not and at that critical time, this time, she has decided to not drink. This shows a conscience piece of decision making rather than blindly giving in to her addiction. That must be a good sign surely?

Well, I hope so and I think she feels good about what she did. I believe that the habit of drinking alcohol can be unlearnt gradually. As the months roll by without drinking the habit gradually fades. It is there and can be reactivated but as long as one stays off it the weaker the desire becomes thereby making it more manageable.

I am hoping. I do though expect many more disappointments before it can be confirmed that Jane's alcoholism is under control. And I am ready for failure.

If this is an alcoholism stage it is the penultimate stage on the road to recovery.

I Love Her

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:00:00 +0000

Yes, despite all the vitriol, all the pain and disappointment. The piles of agony. This is life and I love her.

She has a wonderfully tender interior. It is too tender, too vulnerable, which is why she has a hardness sometimes that is at odds with her true self.

When she has a binge, as must be expected, she is a different person. Yes, slightly mad and definitely bad. She admits it. She hates it. She does it and it hurts her self-esteem something terrible.

What I like most about Jane is this tender childlike interior, hidden away so deeply inside her and almost invisible; certainly well protected to the point where it is hardly expressed in behavior. But it is there.

I must nurture this. I must praise her. I have praised her. Compared to the way she was about 13 or more years ago she is much more stable. She was chaotic in those days, out of control and just hanging on.

She, like all of us, finds life hard sometimes. She gets tired and depressed. She expresses a desire to end her life more often than is healthy.

But she is my partner and today, as all days, I await her return and I'll give her a cuddle and see if I can boast that battered self-esteem.

Photo: dark interior by benefit of hindsight (Flickr)

I See An Insane Person

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 04:59:00 +0000

When I look at Jane today and last night during a binge of sorts, I see an insane person. I don't mean barking mad and obviously insane but a person who is definitely not normal, v.slightly insane, 10 percent insane, call it what you like. When Jane is drinking she acts like an insane person. I know that none of us are "normal" as there is no definition of a "normal person" but we can tell when a person is not normal. The usual symptoms are borderline personality disorders and the like. And don't get me wrong I am not being critical. I am sympathetic in fact but it needs to be said.

She just does not get some things. We will agree that doing something in a certain way will help and the next minute she is back to her old ways. She has no understanding of her alcoholism at all. After 30 years of binge drinking she still doesn't have the faintest idea as to the underlying cause.

She had a mini-binge for two days and then stopped and I think she has restarted. She fell asleep on the sofa last night. She was meant to work today but has said she won't go in as she feels sick. She was sick last night she says. There is so much stuff on her bedroom floor you can't get into the room, and that is normal, day to day conditions. It rarely gets better than that.

I asked her to tell me when she feels like a drink so at least I would be prepared. This last mini-binge was bad because I had just treated her to one or two things, given her things and we get home, she goes to bed and gets drunk. Nothing said, no warning, nothing. That felt like a slap in my face after I had been particularly nice to her. She doesn't get it though.

She doesn't get anything really. It is like she is in a deep trench of habit without any understanding and no ability to get out of it. This is a form of madness.

~~Particularly~~ when she is drunk I see an ~~insane~~ person who acts in a manner that looks as if she is slighlty insane. It is unnerving. Another form of ~~insanity~~ odd and irrational behavior is making herself sick constantly, every 5 minutes after a binge. That is horrifying to see. For her it is quite normal.

There is no doubt that she has some ~~"brain damage"~~ conditioning. Her brain is programmed incorrectly. But we don't exactly no where and what. A lot has to do with low self esteem. When it is that low it affects how you do things and think.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh. I just get fed up. And please don't ask me why I stay. I am also not saying that I am better. But I am at least rational.

Alcoholism Dementia and Pills

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 13:30:00 +0000

Alcoholism is linked to dementia. I think alcoholism can cause a type of dementia. And it is not uncommon for alcoholics to eat badly too. A lack of a good diet can be an exacerbating factor.

Then there are the bloody pills. It seems that if you are alcoholic you might also be depressed and if depressed you might lean on pills more than others. Prozac comes to mind and anti-depressants such as amitriptyline (help sleep and other things).

OK lots of pills and booze cannot be good for the brain or the body. Jane ingests all this stuff and she is beginning to pay the price it seems to me and it is very worrying for us both.

Although I am not completely sure, it seems that Jane is suffering from at least memory loss but it may go wider than that. There may be cognitive loss too or even dementia.

This may in part or in whole be due to a recent botched operation (long time under anesthetic).

I think it is a combination of all these things. It is motivating Jane to stop binge drinking - a great silver lining. But Jane is worried and it affects work.

You can't ingest poisons for years (pills and alcohol) that affect your brain function and not have some negative consequences. I hope anyone reading this who is alcoholic realises that. You will suffer brain damage eventually. Do you want that? Do you care about that?

Photo: Dark Alcoholism by Bousure (Flickr)

Alcoholism Betwixt Life And Death

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 03:11:00 +0000

Alcoholism puts the alcoholic betwixt life and death. It places the person in a kind of twilight zone that is not truly living and neither is it death. Although the person pushes the door to death ajar from time to time, he or she usually doesn't pass through. Eventually knocking and pushing on the door enough times results in the door opening and the alcoholic passes to the other side. Jane has been in a near death situation on a few occasions. This is usually due to pancreatitis. Heavy drinking damages the pancreas. I am not sure how and I can't research it right now as my internet connection is extremely poor. If the pancreas stops working so do we it seems.

From my perspective the alcoholic removes themselves from the world when drinking heavily but not quite to the point where they kill themselves. As I said it is a sort of in between zone. Well that is the case with Jane. She just doozes throughout a week long binge.

What is unfortunate is that the alcoholic places the victim of the alcoholic, in this case me, in a similar situation. The victim is not placed in the twilight zone between life and death but in a parallel universe where a lot of the norms that we should be used to are shattered. For a start there are the constant lies driven by the alcoholic's desire to try and hide the alcoholism. Lying about booze leads to lying about anything, which in turn undermines everything including that most precious of qualities in a relationship - trust.

Then there is the weird experience of living through a kind of slow motion car crash as the alcoholic tries to almost kill themselves while the victim looks helplessly on, unable to do anything but wait and see if he or she is living the next day.

There have been times when I thought I would wake up to find Jane cold and blue in bed - over and out - walked through that door. That is an odd feeling and not one to recommend.

For a victim of an alcoholic to live like that for a week or more is very unnerving indeed. It is also very stressful.. The "fall out" from a full blown alcoholic binge is enormous. It is like a comet's tail. The after effects of a binge for Jane can last 4 or more weeks - and then she might start again. You see, it puts the victim in a parallel universe of abnormal living. The victim becomes acclimatised to it and forgets what normal is (whatever normal actually is).

For me true alcoholism does put the alcoholic betwixt life and death. The alcoholic probably doesn't want to live but neither does he or she want to die. Alcohol puts them where they want to be, between the two.

Alcoholism Betwixt Life And Death

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 03:10:00 +0000

Alocholism puts the alcholic betwixt life and death. It places the person in a kind of twilight zone that is not truly living and neither is it death. Although the person pushes the door to death ajar from time to time, he or she usually doesn't pass through. Eventually knocking and pushing on the door enough times results in the door opening and the alcoholic passes to the other side. Jane has been in a near death situation on a few occasions. This is usually due to pancreatitis. Heavy drinking damages the pancreas. I am not sure how and I can't research it right now as my internet connection is extremely poor. If the pancreas stops working so do we it seems.

Form my perspective the alcoholic removes themselves from the world when drinking heavily but not quite to the point where they kill themselves. As I said it is a sort of in between zone. Well that is the case with Jane. She just doozes throughout a week long binge.

What is unfortunate is that the alcoholic places the victim of the alcoholic, in this case me, in a similar situation. The victim is not placed in the twilight zone between life and death but in a parallel universe where a lot of the norms that we should be used to are shattered. For a start there are the constant lies driven by the alcoholic's desire to try and hide the alcoholism. Lying about booze leads to lying about anything, which in turn undermines everything including that most precious of qualities in a relationship - trust.

Then there is the weird experience of living through a kind of slow motion train crash as the alcoholic tries to almost kill themselves while the victim looks helplessly on, unable to do anything but wait and see if he or she is living the next day.

There have been times when I thought I would wake up to find Jane cold and blue in bed - over and out - walked through that door. That is an odd feeling and not one to recommend.

For a victim of an alcoholic to live like that for a week or more is very unnerving indeed. It is also very stressful.. The "fall out" from a full blown alcoholic binge is enormous. It is like a comet's tail. The after effects of a binge for Jane can last 4 or more weeks - and then she might start again. You see, it puts the victim in a parallel universe of abnormal living. The victim becomes acclimatised to it and forgets what normal is (whatever normal actually is).

For me true alcoholism does put the alcoholic betwext life and death. The alcoholic probably doesn't want to live but neither does he or she want to die. Alcohol puts them where they want to be, between the two.

The Alcoholic's Silver Lining

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 05:54:00 +0000

Briefly (as I am about to go to the gym with Jane) here is an example of how a bad alcoholic experience can generate some good.

Some time ago Jane found herself in hospital after a binge and had an unnecessary appendix operation (she had stomach pains) that went wrong causing real health problems with breathing and cognitive abilities.

This has kick started a training regime to regain her health. How good is that?

As I go to a gym attached to a really good hospital every Friday, she is joining me this morning. OK, once a week is not much but it is better than nothing and if done consistently over a long period real benefits can be accrued.

For Jane it is very important. Not just going to a gym but the whole process of being positive and improving health. It is great for her self-esteem. Low self-esteem is a factor in alcoholism.

Hard exercise has a fantastic effect on the state of the mind as well as the body. You feel better, more up for the challenges of the day.

This is exactly what Jane needs to combat the pull to drink again. And I need it too so that I feel better, healthier and more able to cope with life challenges and am not talking about Jane and her drinking but just the day to day grind and boredom of living. I find life quite boring sometimes and have done for years.

Why the photo? Nice pic, optimistic and bright...Photo By .craig

Turning Around Alcoholism

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 15:47:00 +0000

Is it possible to turn around alcoholism? You may have heard of the The Priory Hospital Roehampton. It is about 20 minutes walk from where I live. Jane has been there a few times. She was there for a month or so many years ago. The whole thing was paid for out of health insurance.

Personally I don't have a lot of faith is places like the Priory Hospitals. They make a lot out of health insurance, pushing the premiums up. People who have attended the Priory (and a good number of famous people have attended the Roehampton branch) say that the success rate is very low.

I forget the figure but lets say if 100 alcoholics attended The Priory Hospital Roehampton on a full blown course intended to stop the addiction, about 5 might stop - 5%. It is something like that or even less.

For the hospital, which is private by the way and therefore heavily commercial in culture, it is more about milking the insurance companies than curing addicts.

On that basis, the chances of turning around alcoholism is remote. In any event you don't turn around or cure alcoholism, you just control it, at best. These people are called, "recovering alcoholics". A sort of euphemism.

But, and this is the odd thing, at the moment I feel that Jane after a bad time about 4 months ago, is turning the corner. She does not want to drink and looks more in control and relaxed about drinking. Just in case you have joined this blog at this point, Jane is a certified long term binge alcoholic (25 years experience or so).

So what is happening. Well, it could be me being overly optimistic and misreading the situation! I live in hope and my hope just about survives.

Or it could be that Jane has been stunned into stopping because of her waning health. Everything that I did or do is naught compared to the realization that alcoholism damages the brain and the body generally and when you get older, say in your mid fifties, you feel the damage more. Her memory is poor. Poorer than it should be. This is one example. It catches up on you in the end.

My gut feel is that Jane is turning it around, oh so slowly and it is because of health reasons and beacause, I have money! And she needs money...!

Until the next time...

The Habit of Binge Drinking

noreply@blogger.com (M) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 19:56:00 +0000

This is a quick update. For the time being things are going OK. I almost walked out though. Jane had a binge about three weeks ago and I decided to leave as I said I would. I inspected properties to move into (rental) and paid a deposit. Then I backed out!

When tested I just find it impossible to live alone anymore. I have lived alone a lot and I find I get depressed. Simple as that.

On balance it is better with Jane and she seems to be getting better, which, if I am honest, I did not expect.

It is a joint effort really. She does drink a bit still but at the moment the binges are much less often and things are more manageable.

I have constantly pushed her to stop. But what I think is the defining influence at the moment in her possible improvement is not me (although I think I play a part) but the fact that her health seems to be affected. Her memory is less good. If this is due to alcoholism and I am not sure it is, it is worrying for us both. On the upside it is a great motivator to stop binging.

They say that drinking is a disease. That may be so but I sometimes think that it is simply a habit - a very bad habit and a habit that is so entrenched that it is an addiction. We can cultivate bad and good habits. Are very well entrenched habits addictions? I think they are.

If I am correct then alcoholics can unlearn the addiction to booze by gradually over many months and years develop fresh and good habits that supersede the destructive ones.

I believe that the cultivation of better drinking habits takes as long as it takes to cultivate bad habits (effectively alcoholism). Patience, perseverance and consistency will get you there and Jane is showing some of that at the moment.

We have had some terrible rows. These must stop and are stopping as they are destructive of the relationship.

I live day by day and see where it takes me. I hope that I can stay but may well have to go despite my fear (almost) of living alone.