if you want me to paint my living room pink..

which one?

images via my pinterest

oooooo BURN!

i mean, ouch that hurt.

not as bad as your burnt skin, pee gordon.

would you like some fava beans and chianti with that face?

thank you i'm here all week.

the war is over!!

 this episode gave us a maybe matthew boner but a for sure freedom boner.

it's business as usual for matthew and his personal nurse mary.. 

if you're not careful mary you'll get arms like jack johnson. 

while matthew is out for his daily roll across the grass.. 

sir richard is talkin about his giant dick house, haxby park.

he's like..i got some money too, granthams!  i will out house you.

he totally does btw.

daisy's still upset over william's death her false heart.

so then she must feel like a giant asshole for wearing a black band that a war widdow wears, huh?

i'll wait while you go get a tissue.

over in the dowager countess's favorite discussion room..

 cousin isobel is just being her old insufferable self.  

she wants to keep downton up as england's most awesome retched refugee refuge.. 

 cora and the dowager are like..whaaa??

uhhh...no thanks.

if there's one thing these 2 have in common it's a whole lot of love for easy livin'.

uh oh..

that hand looks scary!

and the music is so mysterious!

who's hand is that you ask?

well, it's not hannibal lecter's maybe.

it's certainly not ralph fiennes probably.

well then who is it?

 no fucking idea.

but he thinks he's patrick crawley, the rightful heir of downton.

 but since his face is made of cheese, and the real patrick crawley is english and this guy is canadian, well, 

no one can be sure.

edith at first can barely look at his cheese face.

and she's seen a lot of war cheese.

sir richard aims to pilfer mary's favorite servant, carson..

i'm not really sure why.

but there it is...

(those eyebrows are ridiculous!) 

 lord grantham and jane the maid are gonna make out probably..

 sexy glance.

thomas is made entirely out of cigarettes and old edwardian pomade. 

 smoky smirk #1..

haxby park and it's 4 million acres of LAND.

 if mary seems excited it's because she can hide and not be found for days in this house.

meanwhile lord grantham is eating alone.

he appears to be eating dessert.

which in my opinion is the only way to eat dessert.

no one needs to see me eat an entire box of girl scout cookies.

anyway..this must be symbolic, right?

LG alone, being served drippy, red, saucy goo over white clouds of meringue?

that's supposed to forshadow sex right?

later pee gordon tells edith he is not patrick gordon but patrick crawley. 

the same patrick crawley that floated away on an iceberg after the titanic hit it.

landing in canada, obvs.

yeah right.

who does this guy think he's fooling?

oh.  right.

edith.

bless her heart.

she'll do anything for a piece.

 there is no driver in all of england more dedicated to someone else's car than branson.

another garage scene where branson wonders when sybil will be his girl.

god. never i hope! 

branson sucks!

outside in the shaddows..

thomas and o'brien are up to no good and a lot of cancer.

seriously..i have no idea what they are talking about 99% of the time.

edith comes in to tell papa about her new boyfriend..

and papa goes to investigate..

LG admits his story is pretty accurate..

but then pee calls him "robert".

whhaaaat?!

and then, as if things couldn't get any weirder.

pee totally gives himself a dirty sanchez.

over in the discussion room..

the dowager builds something out of scaffolds.

or she tells a tower of lies to cousin isobel in the hopes she will get the fuck out of downton forever.

 edith takes a walk with pee in her best sweater robe..

pee brings out the heavy ammo with crazily accurate tales of frauline kelda and running around in this here garden.

coughcough*bullshit*

after that dreadful dirty sanchez lord grantham decides a family meeting is in order to tell everyone

that cousin patrick might be alive and back to claim the throne..

 mary cannot believe that edith is falling for this imposter's bag of tricks..

while matthew is just one streak of guyliner away from full on goth-strength bitterness over his bum legs and weiner and pee gordon's ability to walk around and put babies in mary.

meanwhile in the saddest room in the world..

don't be slutty.

and over in the happiest room in the world..

see you later cousin isobel.

that is what a high five with your eyes looks like.

speaking of eyes..

bates has a hurty on his eye.

lurky mcbangs. 

at dinner sir richard shows up (late) with lavinia in the hopes of distracting matthew and mary from one another (IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!).. 

the fuck is she doing here?

and in the most uncomfortable scene of the evening..

sir richard threatens his bride-to-be to never cross him or undermine him or look at him sideways.

sealing it ever so romantically with a kiss..

supergross times a million billion trillion kajillion.

edith receives a letter from pee gordon...

"dear edith, just kidding. see you never.  love, pee."

the house gathers for end of the war silence..

bates wheels matthew off when...

wait a sec...

was that...?

i think my dick just moved!! 

or maybe it was his leg. 

but i am sticking with dick.

carson decides he needs to go with mary. 

sadness.

and mrs. bates is dead.

talk it out.

did you believe pee gordon?

i have to say the first time i watched it i did believe him.

however the second time i watched i saw right through his story.

before you view this week's videos you need to know that i was rocking a 100.5 degree fever in them and had no time for make up or even locating my dowager hat of power.

anyway..

these were my two favorite dowager parts..

the first one is between cora and the dowager.

it is very multiple personality disorder if you didn't know any better.

and..

pee (gordon) streams,

which if i'm being honest (simon cowell) i certainly meant it more for the general fuckery that is monday and all those fuckheads surrounding monday..

like emails and chores and errands and sick kids, not YOU precious readers..

OR..you just didn't comment.

either way.

apples and oranges.

but if i did offend you i would like you to consider this peace offering..

no, that's not me.

but i definitely wish it was.

as in i wish i had thought of it first.

because i would so totally use it as my blog banner.

now..

i haven't even begun the downton recap bc fiona is really sick with strep. 

so all apologies for the delay.

i love you.

a great big thank you to benjie for the discovery of flower-tits up there.

sorry.

that was totally rude.

waking up with a sick kid with a sicker attitude is not a great way to start this already bullshit day.

she has some seriously swollen neck parts.

are mumps still around?

things:

 i will try so hard to complete your downton recap by tomorrow evening.

 the DC had far fewer zingers this week..

but i say, that cora had some real humdingers.

i might have to break out the cora wig.

for your consideration..

1.

an ikea malm and some cheetah velvet.

HERE.

2.

a well played before and after.

HERE.

3.

catbreading.

HERE.

see you on the flippity.

 would you hit it? 

i'd pretty much hit all of it... 

ethel/amy nuttal:

please...she's pretty much begging for it.

molesley/kevin doyle:

eh..yeah..may as well hit it.

bates/brendan coyle:

hit it hit it hit it.

mrs. patmore/lesley nicol: 

 i'd hump it's leg if it made me cake.

lady mary/michelle dockery:

 repeated hits.

 lavinia/zoe boyle:

heck yeah. i'd hurt it.

 branson/allen leech:

for sure hitting it. 

daisy/sophia mcshera:

look how bad it wants it on the right..so yes.   hit it. 

mr. carson/jim carter:

 you might be surprised to hear me say... HIT IT!!!!

matthew/dan stevens:

 oh i would hit it alright.  with my fist in its throat.

edith/laura carmichael:

hit it followed by a donkey punch.

sybil/jessica brown findlay: 

i have already hit this several times in my mind.

cousin isobel/penelope wilton:

no. good god. no.

 but...

i would have hit it 100 years ago. 

lady grantham/elizabeth mcgovern: 

hmm...on the one hand, no.

on the other hand, yes.

mrs. hughes/phyllis logan:

i would hit it hard and with pride. 

william/thomas howes: 

yeah, sure. i'd let him knock the kinks out.

lord grantham/hugh bonneville:

i would destroy it.

anna/joanne froggatt:

les-b-friends.

dr. clarkson/david robb: 

 dad sex.

still, i'd let him oil rig me.

thomas/rob james-collier:

hate fuck.

o'brien/siobhan finneran:  

 i'd hit it but i would cry. 

dowager countess/maggie smith:

no. absolutely not. 

but.. 

i'd have tapped it into next tuesday back in the day.

thanks to sara for sending me the article that inspired me to do this dumb post.

even though i am sure you never meant for any of this to happen.

anyway..

congrats sara you get a shiny new NOTHING.

happy downton day!

p.s.

if you're smart you'll follow patton oswalt on twitter while he live tweets downton abbey.

real funny.

behold-

the answer to your prayers, budget minded birmingham people..

that animal pattern is nonsense.

but the desk is fantastic.

paint it. 

$300 HERE.

paint this asian-y chair black or persimmon.

$40 HERE. 

vintage brass lamp with obvious possibility.

$20 HERE.

duh.

$50 (there are 2) HERE

double duh. look at that top!

$500 dining table (offer half) HERE.

deal of the day.

comes with dining table, 4 chairs + 2 swivel chairs and a side table as well as the seat cushions!

$350 HERE.

(spring is coming soon!! don't delay!)

your new desk chair.

$65 HERE.

very cool vintage 70's chrome coffee table.

$95 HERE.

awesome bench for the foot of your bed.

$40 HERE.

this could be so good in the right dining situation.

easy does it if you think you can stick this in just any dining room with any decor.

if a unicorn was a table and chairs this might be it.

$325 HERE

burl top parsons table. yes.

would make a great desk too.

$300 HERE.

oh my goodness i want someone to buy this and cover it entirely in this:

or this:

tufted sofa

$165 HERE. 

 dresser and mirror and nightstands all for $150.

i am really only interested in the nightstands. paint them white and add some shiny hardware.

 but the mirror would be awesome painted and in a powder room.

$150 HERE.

next up alaska.

happy friday fartknockers.

i won't lie to you..

i specifically chose my gastro bc she was asian.

and she was a she.

i am more comfortable talking to women doctors.

and asians are smarter than everyone.

this one was all business, not an ounce of good bedside manner.

but i didn't mind bc she was thorough.

she even mentioned getting all of my most recent lab work from other doctors bc she wanted to be nosy.

and she was tall.  TALL!

like 5'11 tall.

and a tall asian is like a unicorn sighting.

so i figured i was in good hooves hands. 

my fear with going to the doctor was never really having my butthole prodded or swallowing a camera..

it was this..i have no insurance.

so this visit cost me 225 dollars.

i couldn't afford for her to GUESS at what she thought it was and hope for the best.

i couldn't come back and come back and come back.

i needed to have all the tests done and/or scheduled.

and she agreed.

oh i loved her a lot for that.

there was no eye rolling when my symptoms list was like 4 pages long.

ok, there was one eye rolling moment when i asked her the same question twice.

but i let this slide when while examining me she said..

"ok, as soon as i am done here we will have a talk"..

and then as if her unicorn horn itself lit up and glowed pink and purple and glitter sparkles, she said..

"i am going to have you checked for celiac and i am going to give you an ultrasound to rule out gallstones..

then i am going to give you a pill to take as needed for discomfort.

then if those tests come back negative we will put you on a gluten intolerance diet and see if you are any better with it.  then if your symptoms persist we will do an upper endoscopy..

but my gut feeling is this, you mentioned all of these symptoms started after you and your daughter had a stomach virus in november..sometimes our systems have trouble righting themselves and we get post-infective IBS.

stress and hormone fluctuations can make it worse."

ding ding ding.

yes says I.

that is accurate.

and it makes the most sense.

but i also know that a good portion of this news means there is pretty much nothing i can do other than wait for it to go away and eat a frightfully clean and healthy diet.

 i'm not complaining...it could be a million times worse.

i can change my diet so that my digestive system is happy.

if goop can do it, i can do it.

all in all i'd say a successful visit.

and while some of you live for my poop discussions i know a fair amount of you gag your way through each and every post on the topic and to you i say..

i appreciate your patience with me while my blog temporarily switched focus from design blog to health blog.

and i promise that tomorrow it will be business as usual..

it is february after all..

which is typically the worst month on the calendar.

but february is *moodboard month and i have some special make-believe rooms brewing in my brain to make you forget that valentine's day sucks and that february is cold and dark and boring.

BUT WAIT!!

THAT'S NOT ALL....

there are 'fiona's room' updates to share and pillows to show you and fabric samples for us to envision as pillows and 

craigslist posts from around the country, and blogfest 2012 updates etc..

that sounds exciting right?

i love each and every one of you with the same intensity that branson has when he dreams of sybil bent over the hood of his car.

*february is not moodboard month in real life.   

it is just a regular month.

poopdates to follow....

it's 1918 and that means the war is almost over..

but not before the battle that brings down the downton heir and his wartime valet.

while men are pooping their pants and lighting cigarettes at the same time..

mary is at home conjuring matthew shaped tea leaves and daisy is sifting flour in the form of william's face..

 broken tea cup = broken dreams.

something is terribly terribly wrong..

a human cross means buisness.

 back at downton...

o'brien comes in to wake up the lord and lady..

"don't be alarmed, it's just me head diaper for sleep.

also matthew is hurt.  maybe even paralyzed in his ding dong!"

there is a family meeting where it is decided that..nothing is decided.

the urchins are waiting quietly in the other room, for any news.

o'brien's bangs ever protected.

dr. clarkson is ALL business ALL the time.

not even the DC can persuade him to let william die in hospital.

 meanwhile...

mary is getting some things packed so she can be by matthew's side...

her dad knows what this means so he blasts her bubble with reality lasers...

reminding her that lavinia is going to be there too.

mary don't give a shit.

she's still packing with purpose.

over in a church made entirely out of fog.. 

the couple that prays together stays together.

the DC is trying out this new fangled phone fuckery and pulling some strings for william in leeds.

meanwhile...amidst the scent of angst and car grease..

sybil and branson talk about who has more feelings for stuff and stare at each other's sex parts.

  sybil's feelings seem to be buried beneath many layers of fur and adorable..

over in leeds...

edith and the dowager countess decide that since william is dying he may as well die in a back bedroom at downton.

and in the village hospital..

matthew is being carried in ever so gently on a stretcher.. 

oh come on mary it can't be that ba..

good lord.  that's nasty.

jesus dr. clarkson..what is that?!

later lavinia shows up looking like a 12 year old school girl.

 and then...

"let me try to explain this to you lord grantham...

no leg movement..no dick movement."

somewhere in a hovel..

ethel shows us superbaby.

mrs. hughes is apparently bringing it ALL of the food in the universe.

ethel tell mrs. hughes that if major mustache saw the giant baby he might be inclined to mary her.

or something.

 william aka wheezy from toy story..

is in the girliest room in all of yorkshire.

he wants to mary daisy before he dies but daisy is like, gross i don't love him.

SO THE FUCK WHAT DAISY!!

HE'S DYING AND HE LOVES YOU MARRY HIM AND SHUT YOUR DIRTY MOUTH OR I WILL SHUT IT WITH MY HAMMER FIST!!!

well, that's what i would have said to her.

 a new blind maid is coming to downton.. 

mary tells matthew that he might not walk again..

and mary's eyebrows do a dance of sadness.

closing your eyes indicates :

a. ultimate sadness

b. feeling cold and seeing into the future

c. relief

d. being fed up with your sister

e. making the advances of turkish men seem less gross

f. sleep

 mrs. hughes delivers edith's plea for child support..

to no avail.

 later matthew tells lavinia that they can't be married bc they wouldn't be "properly" married..

wait..what?...oh..

back in the land of sexual tension..

branson and paddington almost kiss.. 

 seriously.  does anyone know what the hell these 2 are ever talking about?

this is just about them kissing, right?

that's the purpose of these 2 characters, right?

daisy does her best thinking while sifting flour..

 we get it daisy..

you don't love william.

william's dad talks some sense into her and she agrees to mary him even though SHE TOTALLY DOESN'T WANT TO!!!!!!

upstairs...

lavinia and mary (in secret) are super bummed that matthew's ding dong will never penetrate them with its pasty, reserved force.

meanwhile...some gross old white guy doesn't want to grant william his dying wish..

but the dowager's heart is made up of flowers and marshmallows over this wedding taking place.

of course mean mr. albino priest is a total rule follower and simply canot break god's heart this way.

the dowager is quick to remind him that he is living on grantham land and is sniffing grantham flowers so he better follow the grantham rules.

 anna confided in mary that mrs. bates was going to expose her and her powerful turk killing vagina,

mary takes the news to car-LYLE and this makes car-LYLE ultra cocky..

not to worry, car-LYLE knows just what to do.

he makes mrs. bates sign a contract that states she can't say another word about this to anyone anywhere anytime or he will straight up chop off her head and feed it to trench rats.

  later mrs. bates finds out that he tricked her all along..

she jumps on her broom and flies away...for now.

totally blind you guys.

 i about shitvomit after seeing this cheeseball flowery bed.

seriously?

i'll bet while this was going down william was like..."fuck sake you guys i might be dead in 2 minutes...just get daisy in here and let's get this done"..

still...it was like the saddest scene ever.

with or without the gay flowers.

 exactly DC.

 i think we all had "colds".

the fuck did she come from?

 in the end..

 daisy stayed with william right up until the very end.

good girl.

whew.

what a sad sad episode.

what's next?

i'll tell you what's next..

the spanish influenza probably.

shit killed a lot of people.

what will become of matthew and his ding dong?

will that giant baby continue to grow like a cullen?

i learned last night from several sources that shirley maclaine will be joining the cast in season 3 as lady cora's mother.

can you even imagine the scenes between her and maggie smith?

acting gold.

 and finally...

since there was only one truly hysterical lady violet moment in this week's episode..

discuss...

i think monday is a day designed for ultimate fuckery,

so i won't make your monday worse with tales of intense gut pain...

or can you OD on probiotics?

and if you watched downton last night you are probably still crying from all the dying.

you all owe me several gluten free pies for having to relive this episode for you in a recap.

yep.

so today i will just gift you with a generous supply of inspiration.

you're welcome.

breathe.

it's a lot to take in.

see you soon for a recap.