Letters to You

To The Little Bitch Who Pushed My Daughter During The Soccer Game:

2012-06-11T14:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Little Bitch: Thanks for spraining my daughter's elbow and making her fucking miss out on all her favorite things for at least one week. YOU SUCK. Love, Me PS - FYI it's not very sportsman-like to shove other players around just because you are getting the shit kicked out of you 7-0.

To The Creators of Yo Gabba Gabba

2012-06-10T04:55:00.000-04:00

To The Creators of Yo Gabba Gabba: Go fuck yourselves. Don't bite your friends?? FUCK OFF. I HATE you. Love, ME

Further Explanation

2012-06-09T04:52:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers: As further explanation for why I was MIA for 7 months, please understand, I had a rough year. A kindergartener at my daughter's school was killed in an accident that involved a freakin driver high on drugs. Can someone please PLEASE explain to me why I have to show my license to buy fucking Nyquil yet this douchebag could go to 3 different pharmacies and buy Oxycodone with no problem? And then get into a car fucking high as a kite and kill a 5 year old who was buried 10 days before Christmas? And while you are at it, explain to me why this fucktard refuses to admit he did ANYTHING wrong?? Just curious. Love, ME

You Retards

2012-06-08T04:53:00.000-04:00

Hey Retards: Don't you think it is time you learned to tie your own fucking shoes and get your own fucking shit together? We have 5 minutes to get to t-ball practice and you are staring at me like I have 10 heads when I say "grab your cleats". Asses. Love, ME

Dear NYS School System

2012-06-07T04:29:00.000-04:00

Dear NYS School System: Thanks for thinking it is a good idea to teach multiplication to fucking 2nd graders. I now have to pour a drink at 3:30 just to get through the trauma of explaining how 3 x 5 actually is 3 + 3 + 3+ 3 +3. I now have a fucking 8 year old bitch laying on the fucking floor of my hallway wailing "PLEASE HELP ME MOMMY HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME" and crying her fucking face off. I want to cry MY fucking face off. How fucking hard is it to understand that when faced with such a problem: 3 X 0 3 x 1 3 x 2 3 x 3 3 x 4 3 x 5 3 x 6 3 x 7 3 x 8 3 x 9 YOU JUST ADD 3 TO THE FUCKING PREVIOUS ANSWER and that's your fucking answer!!!!!!! So now guess what?? THE FUCKING HUSBAND CAN DEAL WITH IT FOR ONCE. I'M DONE WITH THIS BULLSHIT. FUCK OFF! Love, ME PS What the fuck was wrong with leaving multiplication til 4th grade like when I was a kid? And you could actually wrap your fucking brain around it???? PPS And to my little 8 year old pain in the ass - when you say to me "I don't love you" is that supposed to make me sad? CAUSE I DON'T FUCKING CARE. Pass the chardonnay! Thanks! Love, ME

I Wasn't Even Drunk!

2012-06-06T02:58:00.000-04:00

To Whom It May Concern: It was terribly embarrassing to smash my own head with my car door while dropping MS off at preschool. It was terribly alarming when my head began to swell right before my very eyes. I had to go home, and put ice on that shit before going to work. I was quite the sight. Meanwhile, I have come up with a story to tell instead of the car door thing. Please vote on your favorite.....I would put a poll in, except I can't figure out this new blogger: 1. I was mugged by a gang of midgets. 2. I was having kinky sex (thank you 50 Shades). 3. I got into a car accident. 4. A BOE member punched me. As usual, your opinion matters.... Let me know what you think! Many thanks! Love, ME

Grown Ups. Really?

2012-06-05T14:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Big Bullies Who Act Like Good Parents But Who Are In Actuality Raising Asshole Children Who Learn To Harass Other Kids Because They Learned Stupid Behavior From Their Dickbag Parents: After a LOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG and drawn out process by which the BOE voted to close 2 elementary schools in our school district, and after fighting and complaining and writing letters and bitching and complaining regularly to those in authority, I have come to the conclusion that the world is full of stupid fucks. In case you didn't realize, you are one of them. OK, I already knew the world was full of stupid fucks. But it is one thing to KNOW the world is full of stupid fucks and then discover actual evidence of stupid fuckery. You asshole parents that get on those websites to harass and intimidate people for having an opinion need to get a life, learn how to have an intelligent conversation and get your head out of the BOE and Superintendant's ass. Seriously, what did they promise you for you to go out there and become some mindless puppet??? A few years from now, when you realize I was right, and that there is an enormous amount of babies being born (and a whole fucking bunch more are going to be born thanks to that porno 50 Shades of Grey), and we have no room, and our kids are going to school in trailers, and have 30 kids in a class, I won't be a dick and say I told you so. I'll actually still be nice to you. Even though you are a psycho and a loser and a pathetic excuse for a parent and human being. Knowing you adds flavor to my life. I mean, I do have down time when my sons aren't trying to burn the house down, and you entertain me with your pathetic "mean girl" drivel. Loser! Love, Me

Clean Your Rooms Bitches!

2012-06-04T02:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Brats: Ants are invading our fucking home because you guys are total pigs. Seriously. Have you never seen a garbage pail before?? Stop leaving apple cores and fucking orange rinds on the floor of your room. What the fuck do you think this is???? And honestly, I am sick to death of listening to you brats whine about having to clean. NEWSFLASH: I'm the mom,you are the kids. Do what I FUCKING SAY!!! Clean your shit!!! You are total fucking animals and one day you will be carried away by a fucking army of ants because you are such dirty, filthy slobs. Part of me wants to just let the filth overtake you and just fucking leave it. How else will you learn if I am always cleaning up after you? Of course then I will have to listen to your dickbag of a father complaining that I do nothing all day. OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH........It's so FUCKING HARD to decide which of you jackasses' complaints I feel like listening to....... Love, Mommy

Dear MS:

2012-06-03T02:35:00.000-04:00

Dear MS: Thanks for coming over here and fucking with my keyboard as I type. I had a great post ALMOST finished and you fucking deleted it because you can't keep your fucking hands to yourself. And people wonder WHY I drink during the day. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Love, MOMMY

CANCER sucks my ASS

2012-06-02T02:28:00.000-04:00

My Darling Readers: I thought I owed you an explanation as to why I took a 7 month Hiatus. It is because my step father was diagnosed with a stupid incurable cancer and I just couldn't deal. Also I started a website on Caringbridge for him as well, so if anyone has it in them to send a few kind words his way, it would be much appreciated. If not, fuck off. Thanks! Love, ME

I can't have anything nice!

2012-06-01T02:28:00.000-04:00

Dear Middle Spawn: I know you are a fucking technological genius and all but seriously??? Break my new fucking camera, and I'll break your fucking legs. Honestly??? Why must you take pictures of fucking angry birds and fucking Legos and basketballs???? Just FYI I delete that shit as soon as you put my precious and expensive and NEW camera down! SAVE TIME AND LEAVE MY SHIT ALONE. You are getting NOTHING out of this! Love Always, Mommy

Fuck off technology

2012-05-31T02:24:00.000-04:00

Dear Blogger: I know I've been away for a long while, but did you have to change all this shit around? I have no idea what the fuck I am doing!!!! Love, ME

7 Months Gone By

2012-05-30T14:24:00.001-04:00

I sincerely apologize to anyone who has been anxiously awaiting a post by me so that they can realize how much better their lives are than mine. I apologize! I had a bunch of crap going on, but now I think I am ready to be back...... And to welcome myself back, for your enjoyment: Dear Baby Spawn: It is fucking amazing that you wasted $25 worth of food in 2 days. Thanks for throwing the $8 a pound parmesan cheese all over my kitchen. As if the mess weren't bad enough, I truly appreciate not having any cheese for my pasta, pizza, etc., all week. Speaking of pizza, thanks for setting the entire pizza (minus 3 slices - one for you and 2 for your brother - the rest of us went hungry that night) ON FIRE. (I know I KNOW this one could have been considered my fault as I put the pizza box on the stove and I KNOW how much you love to turn those knobs). We are lucky the entire fucking house didn't go up in flames (actually maybe we aren't lucky. Maybe a nice house fire is what we NEED in order to get us a nice new house. I'm kidding, if anyone from the insurance company is reading this). Finally, EGGS are not cheap. I myself have frequently begged for chickens so I won't have to buy eggs. SO THANK YOU for throwing a DOZEN of them around the kitchen. Egg is always nice and easy to clean up. Thank GOD for YOUR SAKE a nice coworker happened to bring me a dozen fresh eggs from the chickens he keeps in his yard! Therefore, I won't be subtracting the $4.99 from your college fund. But that pizza and parmesan cheese money is coming my way from your bank account. Straighten out you little jackass! You are getting to be WORSE than your brother! (Who the fuck thought that would have been possible????). Warm Regards, Mommy

Dear Dickbag:

2011-11-16T01:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Dickbag:

I am not here solely to clean up after you. In the future, when you use a dish, WASH IT. Do not leave a sinkfull for me to clean after you and your jackass friends watch football. You are a douche.

Jackass.

Dear MS:

2011-11-15T11:55:00.000-05:00

Dear MS:

I'm so glad you learned how to dial 911 in case of an emergency! Just so we are clear, an emergency IS NOT:

-that you need a bandaid.
-that I'm not paying enough attention to you.
-that you want fruit loops.

An emergency would be me trying to drown you in the tub or clubbing your father over the head with a frying pan repeatedly until he is unconcious (because he implied that I am not watching you close enough. However, when you are lying in your bed watching Star Wars, how am I supposed to know that you have gotten a phone and dialed 911?).

In the future, please stay away from the phone. Period.

Thanks!

Love,
Mommy

2011-11-03T13:48:00.000-04:00

You know that book Shit My Kids Ruined? (click the pic below to buy your own copy. It makes a nice baby shower gift) How sad that it is my life. And why should this bitch be making money off her misery when all my misery gets is a fucking whole lot of credit card debt?

MS threw the Wii remote through the flat screen TV. You would have thought that he would have learned his lesson after throwing the Wii remote through the window last year, but NO. He had to throw the fucking thing through the fucking TV. Oh, and BS put a crayon in the toaster and then tried to toast a waffle. Plus I think he also broke the Tassimo.

Incidentally, if we didn't have a stupid flat screen TV (which I told my husband NOT to get, as there was nothing wrong with our fucking TV, but he just HAD to get it anyway), the fucking TV would never have broken, and I wouldn't have an extra bill to pay, but whatever.

I'd like to thank my mother in law for saving MS' life by calling my husband at work and telling him "if you lay a hand on that kid I will fucking kill you. Punish him, but don't you dare hit him. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY FUCKING HOLES I HAD IN MY WALLS BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR STUPID PLAYSTATION AND FUCKING SPORTS? It's a material thing, it can be replaced".

Yes, retardation is passed down from father to son, as I lost many a prized possession due to flying remotes when the Yankees were having an off day.

Dear Idiot:

2011-10-27T01:57:00.000-04:00

Dear Idiot:

I sincerely apologize for scaring you. It's just that the toaster was on fire. I wasn't sneaking up on you, I just happened to walk into the kitchen and see that the fucking toaster oven was on fire! I'm surprised you didn't notice, as you were standing right in front of it toasting up a nice sausage and peppers hero with provolone.

I don't think it was necessary for you to start screaming at ME, however. After all, I saved your life, and the lives of all living in this house. Apparently, I can no longer trust that you will be responsible enough to care for our children, pets or yourself when the toaster goes on fire before your eyes and you don't get nervous at all. In fact, perhaps you should seek therapy, when the thing that scared you was my "sneaking up on you" and not the ball of flames 4 inches away from you.

Jackass.

Love,
Me

Dear Ass:

2011-10-26T00:53:00.000-04:00

Dear Ass:

Thank you for sitting on the sofa with a beer and watching football and criticizing my method for going over BB's failed math test.

If it is so fucking easy, please feel free to take over.

You stupid shit.

Love,
Me

Dear Cancer

2011-10-25T00:53:00.000-04:00

Dear Cancer:

You are such a cunt.

Where to Find Freaks

2011-10-24T01:54:00.000-04:00

In case you were wondering, the freaks are at your local Board of Education Meeting.

For instance, the freak who comes to every meeting crying about cuts to the music program so his band geek kid can be out of the house all day and he can look at internet porn alone and in peace. This freak actually suggested that the district go back to half day kindergarten just so the music program could have more money, and suggested that an entire LIPA rebate check the district received go to the music program (because what else is there, really? I mean surely there is no other good use for that money except for his fucking kid's viola lessons).

Another winner came up to speak (well actually he whispered, and you couldn't even hear him with the microphone) about adult education volleyball and was whining that he and his wife "were told we weren't allowed to play". It seriously sounded as if he was my 4 year old crying about how his big sister won't let him play.

Crazy people.

I've Got Into a Time Machine and Went Back to 1954

2011-10-23T01:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Husband:

I so need direction from you! I really appreciate you letting me know that "my job" for the day was to clean the living room and dining room.

I really don't know what I would do without you! I mean, I totally didn't notice that I needed to clean those rooms. You boys are just so much smarter than us fairer, weaker women.

Thank God for men! We women would just die without you. I mean, you bring home the bacon and boss me around! I'm too stupid to think for myself, I just pray to Jesus every night that you stay with me forever.

Love,
Your Loving Wife

Dear Little Baby Spawn:

2011-10-22T01:08:00.000-04:00

Dear My Precious Little Baby Spawn:

Pink rubber erasers, while lovely and very appealing to look at, ARE NOT food! Thanks for taking a bite out of your sister's eraser. It was very amusing. One would think that you would quickly realize that an eraser tastes like ass, but NO! You went for yet another bite, and then tried to toast it in the toaster.

Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to get toasted eraser out of a toaster?

You are so cute!

Love you!
Love,
Mommy

Miracle of Miracles!

2011-10-21T01:20:00.000-04:00

After 3 loooooooooooooooooooooooong months of trying, I've finally managed to wash my kitchen floor!!!

The Rules

2011-10-20T01:17:00.000-04:00

Dear MS:

In the future, please refrain from bringing the plunger into the bathtub while you and Baby Spawn are taking a bath.

I know I threw out all the bath toys because they were old and moldy, and that you really don't have anything to play with in the bath, but seriously, the plunger??? What is fun about that?

Hopefully you don't end up with diptheria or something.

Love ya!
Mom.

Fucking Old People

2011-10-19T01:21:00.000-04:00

I hate to say this, because I will be old one day. Fuck, some people would already consider me old, but whatever.

I want to punch every fucking old person I see in the fucking face repeatedly and then roll over them with their wheelchairs.

First it was the dumb bitch in the Evil Empire who was so senile she couldn't figure out how to work the computer at all yet was scanning 4,000 pictures of her trip to fucking wherever. As she is retired, she has nothing to do with her time except go on vacations with other old bags. Meanwhile, I am in a rush and need to scan 2 pictures, which will take a grand total of 35 seconds. And again, she has nothing but time. After her fucking trip to the Evil Empire, she probably was going to go home and sit in her fucking rocking chair, hook herself up to an oxygen tank and watch a soap opera while eating salt free potato chips.

That old bitch turned around and said "I'm gonna be a while". I said, "Oh I only have 2 pictures and I need to get them scanned before I go to my son's school" and that old coot said "well I don't know what to tell you".

Well old bitch, maybe you figure time isn't on your side because you are as old as Moses and could drop dead at any fucking second, but I'm telling you, I think you'll survive the day, and common courtesy would be to let the girl behind you with the 2 pictures go first.

FUCK YOU.

Next was the old fuck at the stupid craft fair. YES I know that MS is a pain in the ass. SO FUCKING SORRY he touched your gay ass wooden lawn sign that no one in their right mind would want. YOU with your old wrinkled prune face scared him enough when you yelled at him and when I turned around to see where he had gotten to, and started yelling at him to not touch stuff and to hurry up and stay with mommy, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH.

There was no fucking need for your stupid ass to yell at ME: TELL HIM NOT TO TOUCH STUFF.Yeah dick, what do you think I just did? Did you not hear me fucking screaming at him?

Sorry I had to curse you out in front of all those people. Whenever I yell at old people, I do feel upset about it but fuck, man, you douchebags don't rule the world. You don't like little kids, then don't go to places where they frequent.

You can't fucking go to Mcdonalds & Friendly's or fairs and carnivals and then bitch that there are kids there. I know you like your senior citizen specials over there but seriously if you hate kids so much you're gonna have to pony up some dough and fucking go somewhere a little nicer. I don't go to the fucking old folks home and complain that there are old people there. I don't go to IHOP and complain about the old man smell. I don't fucking go the casino and whine to the pit boss when I trip over some old wheelchair bound bitch's oxygen tank.

I don't get you people! When I'm old I plan on sitting around and doing nothing. I, unlike you, know how to use a computer so there won't be any fucking reason to leave my assisted living facility and be annoyed by any children. The only children who will be annoying me will be my fucking grandchildren. And judging from my children's personalities, I'll really fucking be in for it.