Laughing With Life

I fall short

2012-01-24T21:45:00.000-05:00

Every day I fall short of pleasing someone. I hurt someone in some way that I don't mean to, I don't do things how they want or give them what they need, I don't show them enough appreciation or love. So someone PLEASE tell me what am I supposed to do when I make choices they aren't good enough or they should have been done a different way.

So what am I supposed to do?

A Long Few Months

2012-01-21T02:42:00.002-05:00

Wow we are already almost through January of 2012! These last few months have really opened my eyes. As the years pass I realize that life never seems to get easy there is always a set of problems that seem hard and relentless that you have to get through. It all makes me tired. The last month in general I've been homeless and have had to see my kids raised by my ex for the most part and let me tell you I will NEVER and I mean NEVER get used to that, like that or allow any of my kids to EVER be homeless.

In the last month I have lost my relationship with my father who at one point in my life I thought I would always have. How you turn your back on your kids and grand kids I will never know or understand especially over nothing.

Soon on the 27Th we will be in our own place again and things will be back to whatever "normal" is. We will be together (the kids and I) again the way it is supposed be and for that I am beyond thankful!

I am also thankful for my job that continues to stay busy, wonderful coworkers a beyond awesome and loving boyfriend and 3 beautiful children. These are the things that keep me going and that alone is something to be thankful.

2011-08-16T11:41:00.007-04:00

Im not one of these people who are made to sit for 8 hrs. I need to be moving,helping, staying busy and today I was put on a job where Im in one room patient sitting. While it is still work and Im thankful for the money this is not what I signed up for. Never the less I should stop complaining and just be thankful period.

Lazy day

2011-08-06T13:18:00.002-04:00

Sitting at my moms with my babies having a lovely relaxing day with them. I haven't had one of these days in a long time and it feels so good. My stress is down compared to yesterday and I'm living in the moment.

Isn't that what we are supposed to do is live in the moment? The past is the past and tomorrow is unknown but we have here and now to enjoy and live for. I've been working on this not looking so much towards the future or living in the past but being here in this very moment. It is not as easy as it sounds but like anything it takes practice. I do find that living for the here and now is less stressful unless of course the here and now is stressful then I look forward to more happy moments.

Off I go back to my family and loving every moment of it! Cant wait for Jeremy to get home though.

Amazing Opportunity/Long Night.

2011-07-26T20:53:00.002-04:00

Another late night at the hospital. I don't mind though, I love my job and sleep cant find me anyway so might as well make money while I get more sleep deprivation. I have to say that this career opportunity is amazing. I'm more thankful then they could ever guess. This hospital and staff are beyond awesome and it is such a privilege.

How Did I Get Here?

2011-06-01T14:31:00.002-04:00

I am a 28 yr old young women who has been in and out of love and marriage. Who has endured the hurt of pain that no one can ever describe and the joy of 3 children that I would have all over again if I could, yes even with the pain. I'm still left to ask, myself most of the time "How Did I Get Here?".

I find life to be MUCH more detailed and difficult then I had ever given thought to as a young girl dreaming of being a grown up and the wonderment of it all. I have had the time to think back at my life and the way I seen it from MY eyes and think why has this happened, or why has that happened and how some of it makes no sense what so ever.

It is not that great things have not happened or that such horrible things have it is just the timeline, the people and the events that have occurred over the last 28 years and the lessons that have come about.

I look at Andre and the heartache it took to get him here, the emotional toll that I would learn would not just be with him but with the three pregnancies that followed. I see the joy he brought with his own little timeline and wish sometimes that I had given him just a bit more time before adding Kaleb but of course never wanting to give Kaleb up!

As Kaleb comes in he brings even more lessons and love being the adorable little boy he is. He was my light through a very hard time and still has a smile that will fix even the hardest of days. He has eyes that allow you to see into his soul but makes you wondering what sly thing was he thinking right then.

Ellie oh my sweet little assertive girl. Of course she brings in the love, joy, lessons and happiness of the boys, but somehow she brings a little something more to the table. I often think what a beautifully sassy women she is going to be putting up with her brothers, but how in the world do I have 3 children already?

It feels like I'm still 19 yrs old and my life got put on hold. I'm not sure why the age 19 but it is what it is. It feels like I'm waiting for the interruption to be over so I can go back to "real" life. Knowing that this is "real" but still not feeling it. So probes the question again "How Did I Get Here"?

You Can Not Fit!

2010-11-17T08:54:00.002-05:00

Can someone please let my precious daughter know that she is now 2 and while I would love to have her be an infant again she is sadly NOT and she CANNOT fit back inside me! Kaleb and Ellie started a "tumbling/ waste energy" class on Wednesday and while Kaleb LOVED every min of it Ellie spent the whole half hour trying to crawl back inside me and I can assure you SHE DOES NOT FIT!

On another note Andre started his new school yesterday and tells me he likes it and has 3 friends already. He was so excited to be able to ride the bus again this morning that's all he could talk about. I need to insert here that older kids are mean and Andre will NOT be walking to the bus stop alone for a very long time! The older kids "made" the younger kids stand away from them and threatened to beat them up if they came close(this was not to Andre because well I was there) I was livid and did speak my mind(in a motherly tone) though I'm sure it did no good. All I can hope for is that they don't pick on him on the bus because of me and that they just leave him alone or their parents will be seeing a lot of this momma bear!

So me and the younger ones are off this Wednesday morning to wear some energy off and Andre is off to school and then I'm off to work :( I hate my hours and the drive but sure thankful for the job period!

Changes

2010-11-08T12:38:00.004-05:00

Here we are in November so many things have changed for the better. Amazing how life moves so quickly Ellie is now 2yrs old, Kaleb is 3 1/2 and Andre is 6. Wow how did that happen?

I have moved and I'm enjoying the move, working full time, being mom and loving a wonderful man.Can't complain one bit. None of this has been easy but it has been a worth while lesson and for that I'm grateful.

Andre is in first grade now and doing really well. Top of his class in reading and math, still hates to settle down but we will get there. :)

Kaleb is such a fun kid to be around and boy does he have a sneaky side! He is getting so smart and learning the ropes from his big brother. Preschool next year OH MY!

Ellie what a little princess! She is THE boss and EVERYONE knows she is a BEAUTIFUL little girl who knows it all :)

2010-06-01T15:37:00.002-04:00

What a journey it has been over the last 8 months. The lessons I've learned are priceless, the hurt remains, but I'm seeing brighter days. I'm finally doing something for myself, I'm back in school and I'm good at what I'm doing. There is no other greater feeling then to feel your worth more then just what someone else wants you to be.

My divorce is almost final, it is bitter-sweet. I sure have learned a lot from it though. I used to think others were odd when they would use the the phrase "their past life" or "another life" but I get it now. That's how I feel. That was my past life, my life now is so different and in such good ways. I'm not proud or happy for those who I have hurt but I did what I felt was best for not only my growth but for my children's and others as well. It may not seem what is right to some but when you have lived my life then you can choose to do it differently.

My precious babies are getting so big. Andre is so very smart, bringing home A+ on spelling and math, I could not be more proud of my little man. He is still so loving and emotional my heart just pours out to him. Kaleb is as big as Andre and the protector of his sister.....that's of course when he isn't picking on her. He is also so very smart, speaking and doing things his big brother does with no problem at all. He gives the best hugs and kisses and is always very observant which makes me adore him that much more. Ellie, my sweet Tinkerbell princess. I'm not sure she will ever grow LOL. but does she ever have the personality and attitude to make up for her being so tiny. She brightens even the darkest of days.

Finally right now things are going beyond well, I'm happier then I've been in a long time and I'm continuing to work for and at what I want.

2010

2010-01-04T17:04:00.002-05:00

As I start the new year I take a moment to look back at 2009, what I see is trials, tribulations, errors, heartache, lessons, and growth. I'm a stronger person for what I've learned though at times I feel weaker and I will hold my head a little higher knowing that I came out of this last year a wiser, stronger person.

I'm ready to head into 2010 with a clear head, achieve my goals that I had set some time ago and in this year learn more lessons to take with me on my journey. I do not make new years resolutions as I find it a waste of time, I set goals and work toward them when I feel ready and fit, this way I don't feel like I've set myself up for failure.

I pray that God gives me the strength I need to move through 2010 as he was by my side every step of the way in 2009. Thanks be to Him for that!

Broken

2009-12-20T09:03:00.002-05:00

Completely broken, my faith and trust in people is gone and unrepairable for the time being. Opening myself up is not an option any longer you have stripped that away from me.

Those who are supposed to trust me go on to believe others before me when I have nothing to lie about or hide. You ask and I tell, but yet you choose to believe what others are saying over me. Go ahead and see how far that gets you.

People want to know why I'm so cold and this is EXACTLY the reason. I'm left with nothing, if it weren't for my precious children it would be time for me to go Home. As of now I'm lucky to have the strength to live for my children.

Not laughing anymore

2009-11-27T09:54:00.004-05:00

I'm frustrated, as a mom, as a women, as a "single parent", as a person in general. No one ever promised life would be fair, boy do I know that but really it seems like there should be some balance at some point and the more I seek it the more I find the unbalanced.

Why am I supposed to give so much of myself to my children, to my marriage, to my husband, to friends, to family and yet have nothing left for me? Why do I have to continue to try at something I've been working at alone, when I've given my all and more, when I've given up everything in my life I know, love, like and then when I finally get enough back bone to say enough is enough I'm expected to give more. We are supposed to take care of everyone else, care for everyone else give and do to others as you want one to do to you and yet there is nothing left for me.

Whats funny to me is everyone that says "Oh you have to take care of you first" are the first to be there with their hand out needing all of your time or wanting all of your time so if I have to take care of me and do what is best for me why am I still supposed to cater to you? What if what is best for me has NOTHING to do with you?

I trust no one now, that was/is a rough lesson to learn and I wonder if I will ever find a place in my heart where I will fully trust someone again. The closest people to me have hurt me so deep that it almost isn't even worth it anymore to try if this will always be the outcome.

The Winding Path

2009-10-28T19:55:00.004-04:00

As I was talking to a friend today I realized something about myself, it was one of those " ah ha" moments that I've looked for, for quite awhile and could never put my finger on what was going on with me until this conversation today. I won't disclose the friend or the conversation as that is not important what is important is the finding and the question that now follows along with it.

We all have things about ourselves that we love, like, dislike, hate, would change, could live without or is neither here nor there. I'm no different in this department and I can come up with more things I dislike about myself then things I like or love which I'm working on.

Lately I've been trying to focus on what I do like about myself what I think I do well and what I think I have to offer any type of relationship whether it be a friendship or any other. Some of what I do well can be a down fall as well if I let it go to far which is something that I'm also working on but that is for another time.

So anyway as the conversation progressed today and the wheels are spinning in my head I realize that while I like that I'm a good person, with a big heart and have a lot to offer others as far as a friendship goes I never ever feel "good" enough for them. I ALWAYS feel inadequate. Now the only connecting factor in all of these relationships is me so if I was to bet I would bet that I make myself feel this way either that or I find some crappy people and while not all have been winners 99% of them have their heart in the right place.

Now, why do I do this? Why do I always feel like who I am isn't "good enough" to people. I've had people tell my I'm gorgeous and I wonder what they want or know they said that because they are my friends not because I think I really am.(Which I'm doing better on I do tend to think I have some pretty days few and far between). I have people tell me I'm smart and the only thing I think I'm good at is kids, babies and sickness because I've taught myself a lot from having sick kids hahaha. Other then that I have no degree, I took the hard path of being young with no direction and drive, had kids and now I'm thinking how do I build myself up now when I should have done that years ago while building my beautiful children up?

Hahaha direction, who the heck has direction now? I have to pick something and go with it before I'm 80 and wonder where the time went. God has a funny way of answering our questions but putting another in it's place.

Complicated but Simple

2009-10-26T17:06:00.002-04:00

Life as I knew it no longer exist. So many things have changed, where the kids and I live my life status, where my life is going and where I thought it was going. The people who I thought were going to be there and who are not, the ones who I never thought were going to be there and are. While things get complicated they get simpler also how that makes any sense I don't know but it does and it works so I go with the flow.

I feel used and abused, I feel as though I'm good enough to help and yet my mistakes over come the good in my heart. I feel like while everyone around me makes the same mistakes and I look past it I'm condemned. While I'm upset about this I'm uplifted cause the drama is gone. Maybe we were a toxic relationship and never knew it till now I don't know.

I navigate through the best I can in a place where I know nothing about. Its the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm only trying to do what is best for my innocent children involved. I'm not even sure if I really know whats best I know God does so I'm leaving it in his hands to guid me.

Sheeding layers of love one peice at a time.

2009-09-05T13:25:00.002-04:00

Wow a lot has happened this summer, emotions have ran high and continue to. Its amazing to me how divorce can divide a family when they aren't the ones that are going through it. As an outsider looking in I strive to stay open minded there is always his side, her side, and the truth. It's not my place to pick sides or to judge. This all hits a little to close to home for me and it seems to be driving an even bigger wedge in my life.

Life is never perfect, humans are never perfect and while we can and strive to make well with what we have it sometimes is just not enough. Hearts are broken, trust is broken, faith is broken and yet you continue to try but for how long? When do you say we are better apart? Others say counsling, work at it to fix it but at some point you feel like why? I've done everything I know to do, I've put faith were it belong in God's hands and yet here we are. Where do you go from here?

Change

2009-07-01T17:24:00.002-04:00

There is no getting around change it just happens but can someone truly change? I'm not so sure, I've seen them try and try and yet who they really are at some point always peeks through. What do you do? You can't except the behavior but after so long do you just move on? Do you stay and trust that some day they will get to where they want to be and where you want to be.

Which brings me to the trust issue, once its been broken do you trust that person again or walk away. I used to be very forgiving and now I can't bring myself to forgive, move on and trust that it won't happen again.

There is going to be so much change coming it is really scary.

This Person

2009-06-21T20:14:00.002-04:00

Who is this person looking back at me in the mirror? I have no idea, I'm in a place in my life where I seem to swing in limbo waiting for a string to break and leave me in a steady place. Why am I having such a hard time? Will I ever know who I am and be proud of who I am? There are parts of me I'm proud of and there are parts of me that are shameful.

I'm less then stellar these days, I'm surprised people still like me honestly or maybe they just put up with me who knows. I know that the way I feel right now sucks so while I'm trying to keep my head above water I feel as though I'm a shell of a person. I'm drained mentally and physically, I just want to walk away.

Is This What I Want?

2009-06-16T20:50:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to make life decisions and I'm always asking myself or someone else is asking are you sure this is what you want? I don't know and even if I have to chance to see I'm asked other questions. Do I feel this is right yeah, is there any part of me that feels wrong a little one because I'm shattering a dream of mine and someone Else's. Do I wish I could find the answers now and move on? More then anyone knows.

I'm sorry for being so messed up, I really am.

Calgon Take Me Away

2009-06-09T12:47:00.003-04:00

Good Heavens get me out of here. I just can't deal with it today, anxiety is through the roof children are pissy and I'm beyond over it with other aspects of my life. Seriously I need to get out of here maybe its because I can't get Florida out of my head who knows. I miss it there terribly it holds my youth, my grandmother, wonderful times and it lets me let go of reality for a short time.

I'm being smothered, I'm trying to make it work and yet I still feel the same way, WTH is wrong with me? I feel so messed up in the head all the time there are days when its just not worth it to me. Whatever the world continues to turn and life goes on by God's good grace. At some point I will not be troubled any more, I'll be free and I'll know who I am.

Generation Gap

2009-06-01T20:38:00.002-04:00

I don't expect people to understand what is in my head since really I don't understand it but I really wish people would quit pushing me to do what they think is right because their generation did it that way or they do it that way.

I'm not someone else, I didn't come from some other generation, I'm not cold hearted, nor am I a bitch (err okay sometimes), I don't do things just to hurt people and I'm sick of doing everything for everyone else and putting my happiness to the side.

I am who I am and I won't make excuses nor will I apologize for being me. Life is about learning, growing, changing and some times making mistakes. I wish I would be allowed to do this.

Wanna Be Selfish

2009-05-17T18:59:00.002-04:00

Yes I wanna be selfish, I feel like I can't breathe, like my world and support will crumble if you leave and yet I know you need to go. You have a wonderful chance to give yourself and your children happiness and I truly want that for you aside from being selfish and wanting you to stay solely for my sanity.

I can't even begin to tell you how much your friendship means to me, you have helped me through some of the hardest times in my life and not having you here for the rest of it seems unbearable. I look up to you, and I've learned from you so much more then I could ever repay.

I pray that when you do go you find everything you deserve and you deserve to be treated like a queen. You have a beautiful heart and sole, everything you give I pray you get back. I'm glad we had the time together we did, I'm thankful for the friendship you've given me and I pray that even with the long distance we will remain close.

Poor Kiddies

2009-05-13T17:11:00.002-04:00

We got lucky this flu season with only one bout coming through the house and all else was well, now I think we are paying for it. Since last weeks dr appt Kaleb has developed a left year EI and Ellie has a double EI. Ellie was on AB's and now they changed them, Kaleb is now on them. Kaleb has tubes in both of his ears but they think the left one blocked, if it doesn't unblock then back to the ENT we go for him, and I just pray that Ellie doesn't follow in his footsteps.

Andre still has a cough but I didn't find it necessary to take him in too as he seems to be getting better now watch I'll eat my words.

Oh have to run Miss Ellie is calling.

Is It Any Wonder?

2009-05-11T19:42:00.002-04:00

I love nursing my daughter but I beg for her to take a bottle. I need a break, I need to go out with the girls do adult things, drink adult things and forget for a few moments that any other part of me other then ME exsist.

Poor Ellie is six months old and has only had food a handful of times. I hate starting foods, I hate the fight of the thumb in the mouth or the spoon or heck why not both? Seriously its a pain in my ass and she couldn't care less about any food unless its coming from moms boobs.

We are in sick hell here in our corner of the world it has ran through the house and oh so nicely missed my wonderful husband (nice). Sniffling, sneezing, boogers the size of cobwebs, coughing oh yeah its beyond grand.

Kaleb my sweet Kaleb has turned into hell boy since he has been sick. Screaming "NO" at me and then throwing himself down and throwing anything he can reach and just as quick as it starts it ends with "sorry mommy, I wove you". Is it any wonder I have bald spots in my hair and need anxiety meds?

Did You Grow Up In A Barn?

2009-04-27T19:53:00.002-04:00

Who in the right mind with any mannors at all thinks that it is okay to look at a baby who is being worn by her proud mother and say "Wow look at your big ears". Seriously? And then they act surprised when you snap back with "Wow didn't your mother teach you manors"?

Obviously she was a young girl who has no kids and has no idea the rage a mother will come with when messing with her young. Seriously it is NOT okay.

Company Never Fails To Be Bright

2009-04-27T13:29:00.002-04:00

Friday was a beautiful day, my meds were working, the whether was beyond beautiful and we had company coming over to boot. This is what life is supposed to be, playing outside with your kids, grilling, friends gathering with their kids, great conversations, late night games that make you pee yourself and a few drinks.

This is what I live for, this is how I pictured my life as a little girl no worries, no stress or at least what we have is forgotten for that small amount of time. The kids were so tired they went to bed dirty(that was the best when I was a kid) they played hard and long all day and got much vitamin D couldn't ask for more.

Our Friends are a wonderful couple who have children the same age as Kaleb and Ellie. Guys talk about their things and we moms talk about children and plotting and escape from the men and children at some point in out lives, of course we would hope for sooner then later but lets face it when the children are young momma is needed or daddy goes nuts.

I have a tendency to think every weekend should be like that and of course Mike thinks differently but that one day left me in a decent mood for the next few days. So why not?