Hanging by my threads. Single mom's advice, resources, and stories.

Waiting for you to grow up.

2012-03-11T17:44:00.000-07:00

This is a post for all of those single parents out there (particularly moms) who have to deal with an immature, manipulative, victim-mentality person for their child's other parent. What a card to be dealt!

The big problem with these people is their lack of ability to see reality for how it is. They always see a skewed version of reality, mainly one that paints you as the bad guy in every episode and them as the honest, loving person who is victimized every time they turn around. How do you deal with that person? How do work around their lies and manipulations and still protect your child?

This is a topic that is so large that I could write a whole book on it, literally. However, I will give you the extremely abbreviated version and hopefully, a few pointers that will help you in the future.

Please keep in mind, when dealing with these people, that you CANNOT change them. No one can change another person, that is something only the individual and God Almighty can do. Stop stressing yourself out on how you can make them see things your way, it will not happen. One thing I hear parents say over and over is that they are sick and tired of being the bad guy and trying to argue their point. If you're so sick and tired, stop trying!

Another big problem with these people is manipulation. They generally hold no qualms over lying, cheating, stealing, or using any other means to get what they want. This can be extremely frustrating for a parent going into this who holds values such as honesty and integrity close to heart. The thing I hear most frequently from parents in this situation is that they feel bad having to resort to the same tactics as the other parent to come out ahead, or they feel they're just being walked all over because they won't resort to those tactics. What if I told you that you didn't need to use either option? What if I said there's a secret third option C? Instead of lowering yourself to their level, or being walked over, get smart! Many times these difficult people are often very predictable. Knowing this, a wise parent should be able to predict what they are going to do ahead of time and start safe guarding themselves. For instance, if a parent is frequently forcing you to reschedule visitation just to irk you or because they are pursuing less than the most honest pursuits (frequent dates, drinking, etc) you do not need to move your schedule around for them! Parents who are frequently shirking duties for dates can be taken to court and given a lecture by the judge, go ahead! Parents with drinking problems will also be punished for the idiots they are, get proof (conversations - in California - can be recorded secretly without consequences as long as they are in a public place, or there is another human - no matter the age - within a certain distance). If they have an internet account where they catalog all their exploits, print up the pages and take it to court. If they lie and say they have to work, call them at their work number to make sure they're actually there.

There are so many more issues and solutions to discuss, but this blog is limiting. All I can say is that there are solutions and if you have a particular problem, let me know! Remember, where there is a will, there is a way and most of the time it's God. Have faith and keep trucking for the kids' sakes!

Where's my stapler?!

2012-01-29T16:00:00.000-08:00

As someone who's in school full time, along with a couple jobs, my life gets crazy at times. Actually, it would be safer to say that it gets calm sometimes, the rest of the time is pure craziness. So the other day, I was finishing up a paper, and printed it out. I immediately reached for my stapler and it wasn't there. I looked, dumbfounded, at the spot where it should have been. As if staring hard enough would make it appear. I had no clue where it could be though. After a quick sweep of the den area, I realized it wasn't in the room. After some more searching, I finally gave up. I was thinking to myself that I must have picked it up and left it somewhere else at some point during the week. After all, when you're a mom, stuff ends up in the strangest places. I've found my keys in the freezer before.

Sometime later, I was helping my daughter with a craft activity. She asked me to pull out another a glue bottle, and I happily obliged. When I reached for the glue bottle in the craft box, my hand brushed up against something cold and hard. I grabbed it and pulled. Underneath all her craft supplies I fount it! My stapler. I wasn't crazy, I just had a little thief for a daughter. Upon closer inspection, I also found, hidden amongst the art supplies, my camera, an old wallet, some of my school supplies, and some of my mail. The little stinker had been pilfering my goods without me even knowing it.

Of course, I just had to ask her about this. I calmly showed her everything of mine that had been placed in the craft box. Her eyes said it all. They got momentarily large and then glazed back over to an indifference only practice could have accomplished. She then stated, just as calmly, that the dogs must have placed the items there to hide from the cats. She shook her head ruefully, as if we would never be able to truly understand the motives of our wayward dogs, and then went back to her art.

At times like this, it can be the hardest thing not to laugh at the ingenuity and craftiness of our children. While I'm thinking that she's getting creative with paper and glue, she's practicing the art of persuasion, and theft apparently. However adorable and creative, I knew this was a teaching moment not to be passed up. I quickly grabbed the glue from her fingers, hid it behind my back, and, when she stared open-mouthed at me, stated the dogs had taken it. She quickly retorted that she knew I had it and that I had lied. I asked her how she felt losing something of hers and being lied to about it, and behind those baby blues, I saw a little light turn on. She said that she was sad and wanted her glue back. I told her that I was sad and wanted my belongings back as well. I told her that it had made me sad that she took my things without asking, and it made me super sad that she had lied. I explained to her that if she wanted to borrow something of mine, all she need do is ask.

She seemed to understand, but honestly, how much of what we say really gets through to an almost three-year-old? I have to assume that they understand a good deal if mine can pull off a stunt like she did. That's why I encourage parents to talk to their children in a more grown-up way. Baby talk is fine in moderation. But most parents really underestimate how much their child is taking in and processing. This is the best age for parents to teach values and manners and to enforce them. Your children are more than capable, so don't hold back. If an opportunity presents itself, take advantage of it!

Remember, God loves you and gives us the ultimate parenting manual, pick one up sometime! Feel free to click on my picture for access to my e-mail if you'd like to ask me a question or shoot me a comment. Happy parenting!

Get Outta My Way!

2012-01-16T09:03:00.000-08:00

I recently took my daughter to the aquarium. We went to the Aquarium of the Pacific, which, if you know it, is quite large and has lots of great things to offer children. My mother went with us and I won't hesitate in telling you that having her there is a God send in terms of helping keep an energetic two-year-old in check (she is also a great photographer!) The day started off well enough. We got there shortly after it opened, so that meant it wasn't too crowded yet. My daughter was excited to be there which translated into her practically bouncing off the walls. She ran from one tank of fish to the next.

The only tank that held her attention for more than a couple minutes was the dolphin tank. It wasn't that she wasn't interested, I just think she was on overload and the long car drive to the aquarium resulted in some pent-up energy. We let her do some running, feed the birds, pet some of the fish, and generally take charge of the directions we went and enclosures we stopped to see. She was really having a great time. My mother and I were also having a great time basking in her happiness.

However, as with all good things, they must come to an end. As my daughter moved up to one of the smaller tanks holding tiny 'sea snakes', she realized that the two people squatting in front of the tank hindered her view to the point that she couldn't see what all the fuss was about. In her eagerness, and I suppose a bit of self importance, she stated simply to the couple "Get outta my way, move!" The couple looked shocked at first. I couldn't move in temporary horror. My mother smirked and turned away coughing in a way that sounded conspicuously like a laugh. I started profusely apologizing to the couple who graciously stood up, smiled at my daughter, stated that she was adorable, and walked on to the next tank enclosure. My daughter looked at me, smiled, said "Be nice!", and then started examining her sea snakes. My belief is that she knew there was a reprimand or redirect coming her way and she just didn't want to put up with one of those when the tiny sea snakes were awaiting her regard.

I never proclaim myself to be prolific when it comes to punishing or redirecting my daughter. Luckily, my education in childhood and adolescent development was there to back me up, and kicked in at the right time. After the initial shock, I walked up to my daughter and told her that she needed to apologize to the couple because she had acted rudely towards them. She did this nicely enough. I then asked her if she would it if another child came up and said 'Get out of my way' and then pushed her out of the way. She said she wouldn't and that she would be sad. She said she was sorry to me and hugged me. My heart felt light, as it always does when my daughter takes a developmental step in the direction towards becoming a loving, kind, sympathetic human being. To think more clearly on it, I think I feel light every time my daughter hugs me, kisses me, or says I love you. She's my heart.

I can think of several ways that this situation could have been worse. It was embarrassing enough that it happened in the first place. I always wonder what people think of me when my daughter has a 'manners slip' as I call them. Do they think I'm a bad parent. Do they think my daughter is a bad child? Are they understanding about what it's like having young children and the things they do? I hope most people fall into the third category, and the rest, well I just don't worry myself with what the rest of the people think. I think that's the big key in all of this. Arm yourself with God, knowledge, and love when it comes to raising your children, don't worry about the skeptics and nay-sayers, and take hold of every teaching experience God hands you. I was proud of the way I handled it, but realized later that there might have even been better ways to handle it. I try not to be too hard on myself as a parent though, so I will leave my musings at that.

Have you ever had similar experiences? The ones that momentarily horrify you, leaving you with more than one choice of how best to handle it? I'm sure you all have. I'm sure you have pearls of wisdom to depart of me. If, however, you ever feel stumped, I would tell you to stop. Take three large breaths, and try to focus on the bigger picture. What was the harm? What lessons are you able to teach your child right now? It's all about focusing on the bigger picture on not getting caught up in the moment or the emotions that have surfaced. The last thing children need to see in regards to these situations, is adults making decisions based on split second emotions and what they think on-lookers would want them to do. Stay true to your children, do everything for their benefit.

As always, if you need anything, don't hesitate to click on my profile and e-mail me. I love hearing from you all! God Bless.

The Hard Part

2012-01-02T10:20:00.000-08:00

Today is Monday, so happy Monday to all of you who enjoy this day. I cannot seem to find much enjoyment in this day though. Monday is the day I have to give my daughter to her father and not see her for two days. Monday is the day my heart breaks a little bit. I love my daughter to pieces and I know that she needs a loving father in her life, she deserves that, but it doesn't mean that it's not going to hurt every time I have to see her go. She's my baby, I will never enjoy seeing her taken away. Knowing that I won't be there to hold her when she's hurt or scared, to laugh with her at silly things, to teach her during those special moments when their minds are filled with awe. It's only two days a week, I'm pretty lucky (at this point). However, knowing that more time will be taken away from me as time goes on also weighs heavily on my heart. It's one of the reasons I'm still single.

How can I trust a guy to become a part of my family, to expand it with me in terms of having more children, and to stay...? I won't go through more court cases, custody hearings, blame games, and hurt, only to lose another child this way. It was hard enough the first time. I'm sure there are many of you mothers out there who feel the same way. It's hard to let go of the worries, the hurt, the cautiousness. I'd certainly like to, but I believe it takes baby steps. I think the important part is learning to heal yourself before you throw yourself into another relationship which will then be doomed to fail.

I ask God when I'm feeling blue about not seeing my daughter to help me learn what I need to in order to become a better person. I want to learn from these experiences and not be bitter. One helpful thing I've learned is that it doesn't hurt so bad (missing your child) if you find yourself busy and productive. I will set aside a movie I've really been wanting to see just for the day she leaves. I will set up dates with all my friends. I attack my "to-do" list on the days she's gone. Grocery shopping and laundry get done. I try to get most of my jobs done, work most of my hours then, and keep my mind active. I will still think of her throughout my day, but it won't hurt as much. I try to focus on how grateful I should be that I have time alone to get all this stuff done. I think of how hard it would be to get the stuff done if my daughter was there with me.

One of the hardest things for me during first becoming a single mom was that I knew no one in the same position as me. I know how utterly lonely that can make things for you. If you find yourself in this position, please write me. I'm sure there are groups or other women in the same position as you out there just as lonely, wanting another woman in their position to talk with about everything.

Remember ladies that you are loved, all the time, no matter what. There is always a solution to the problem you face. If you have a story, comment, need advice, or anything else, please e-mail me or drop a comment here with your e-mail and I will get back to you!

New Years Activites

2011-12-26T10:54:00.000-08:00

I recently had a mom e-mail me asking what she could do to help make New Year's Eve special for her toddler, keeping in mind she's on a tight budget. I am all to happy to let you all know what I've got planned for my daughter and I this New Year's. First off, let me premise this by stating that the mother who e-mailed me says she lives in south Orange County, California. Some of the activities are location specific and may not apply to those of you who live farther away.

The first thing I would recommend to anyone living in the Orange County area, or even southern parts of L.A. County is to take a trip to Pretend City in Irvine, CA. You can take a look at their website, pretendcity.org for more information. This place is great for most children under the age of 8 or 9. It's only $11 to get in, and the children will love it. I will definitely be taking my little girl there on New Year's Eve because they will have activities, arts and crafts, and music related to the holiday.

Another thing that my daughter and I love to do is baking. I thought that we could incorporate New Year's into our baking this year. We will be baking lots of cookies and decorating them to theme of New Year's. Some of the cookies will have white icing and then, using black icing, we will make it look like the face of a clock at midnight. Other cookies will have fireworks using sparkle icing of various colors. You can also make party hats designs and confetti on other cookies as well. My daughter absolutely loves this time, and it's special to me as well. I will always remember baking with my little one. Little guys will love this, too! Let them be creative with their designs. You can print up some pictures of fireworks, clocks, party hats, etc. for them to see as a visual (younger children would benefit most from this).

One of the activities my daughter loves the most is painting. I always try to incorporate painting into every holiday. For New Year's, I would recommend you get a couple of your old white socks. Fill them with sand (or fine dirt) and tie off the end of the sock so the sand cannot escape. Use old pie tins (or flat, big bowls) to hold your paint - choose any colors you like, or let your little ones choose the colors they like best. This is an activity best done outside, or indoors with the protection of a sheet on the floor. Put a large sized piece of construction paper on the ground. The children will dip their socks full of sand in the paint (have one or two socks for each color, mixing them might ruin the colors) and then slap it onto the paper. This will create a design that looks like a firework! I've used nylons in the past as well, sometimes these work even better than the socks. You can use sparkle paint to make it look more realistic. The children will love this activity. If they accidentally get a big glob of paint on the paper, don't despair. Just give the kid a straw and tell them to blow at the blob of paint. It will make silly paint spiders, that look similar to their fireworks!

Children can easily make their own party hats with a piece of construction paper in whatever color they like. Let them paint it, color it, sticker it, whatever, and then staple it for them. You can also staple on some strings of paper to the top and sides if you like! Or, the children can help you make a Happy New Year's banner. Each letter gets it's own piece of construction paper (usually cut in half). Make the shape of the letter using glue and let the children glue on buttons, sequins, stickers, noodles, or anything else to make it look unique. Children will feel so proud of themselves as they hang up the banner (letters connected by yarn or string) and see just how creative they can be.

The great thing about many of these activities is that they don't cost money. Most of the supplies needed can be found laying around your home. After all these are done, check out some local firework displays in your area. I hope you all have a happy and safe New Year's. Please e-mail with any questions or comments, or leave on posted here!

The Christmas Blues (Bright or Dull?)

2011-12-19T13:31:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again. Snow is falling (in the colder regions), trees are being bought, gifts are being fought over at the stores, and families are tolerating each other long enough to have a traditional meal with one another. Our family just hosted the annual Christmas party we throw each year, inviting everyone we know to come enjoy food, drinks, people, and the real reason for season. I've bought all my gifts, wrapped them, decorated the house, and bake enough cookies to make me sick. Of course, my daughter had to help me decorate the cookies with icing and holiday sprinkles, which was a blast. It was even more fun when she started licking the sprinkles off the cookies; note to self, don't allow a two year old to help out with food you plan to serve to others.

All in all, my holidays are off to a good start! I'm excited for Christmas and all it will bring. I love the special music and sermons at church, I love getting dressed up to take our annual family pictures. The streets are lined with brilliantly lit homes and our home is saturated with the smells of pine tree, candles, and baking goodies. Christmas time is so special. My daughter is finally old enough to understand what's going on, and boy is she excited! I just can't wait for her to start opening presents on Christmas, where her eyes will light up with the joy of everything she's going to receive. I love spending time with my family; the simple things are the things that make me happiest. There's only one thing I would change about this time of year...the fact that, in some ways, I'm still so alone.

It's so hard being a single mom in that respect. I can't help but to feel a small void where my 'soul mate' should be. I want someone to share special touches, secrets, and dreams with. I want someone there who will help me raise a family and be all the things I dreamed a husband would be when I was a little girl. I guess you could say I still want to find my dream man. Now, I'm a realist, make no mistake that I have false hopes and unrealistic expectations floating about my mind. That's absolutely untrue. I know that no man is perfect. I know that every relationship, especially romantic ones, are a great deal of work. I know that the chances of me finding someone exceptional are exceptionally small. However, there's still some small part of my heart that cries out for all of that.

I mostly want the companionship. I want to have a man in my family Christmas portraits. A man to do all the heavy lifting and to help me set up the holiday decorations. I want a man to appreciate everything I put myself through to ensure that Christmas will be wonderful for my family. Instead, it's just me. When my daughter's asleep late at night and I want to talk to someone, to be comforted by someone, to laugh with someone, it's just me. When I want to feel special and be taken out for a night on the town, it's just me. When I'm having a hard time financially and want someone to swoop in and rescue me, it's....just....me....

Now don't think I'm sitting around all day pouting. Quite the opposite, actually. I've realized that even though, at times, the holidays do make one painfully aware of their relationship status, the holidays also serve as a great reminder to be thankful for everything I have. And I mean everything. When I start feeling down and lonely, I focus on all the amazing things that God has blessed me with now and through the years. I focus on the fact that God has me all alone right now for good reason. Did you ever think that maybe you're supposed to be learning a lesson or two through these sometimes difficult times? I do. I try to focus on all that and trust in the fact that, when God is ready, I will meet the man of my dreams.

Up until then, I think it's my job not to see my Christmas Blues in a negative (dull) light, but in a bright light! I may not have all the amazing things that come with having a spouse, but I have the knowledge that I'm strong enough, smart enough, inventive enough, and even economical enough to do this all on my own. I'm a better mother for it and all the things singleness has taught me. Sure, some of the lessons were hard learned, but they've all made me better, and I'm sure you would find the same is true if you sat back and thought about it.

I could go on for hours about this, but I will cut it short at this point and say A Bientot (See ya later!) to you all. If you have any questions or would like advice on anything (posted here), please don't hesitate to e-mail me or drop me a comment. I wish all of you single mommies out there the strength and happiness we all need and deserve to be the best mommies possible!

It's almost that time of year.

2011-12-13T12:59:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not talking about Christmas, that will come later. I'm talking about the end of my semester. I go to school full time, which is proving to be a challenge. Thankfully, this is finals week and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't feel like I can fully get into the spirit of Christmas until my semester is officially over and I'm on break from work. Does anyone else feel this way? It seems as though we need a special event to mark the beginning of the festivities.

But I digress, back to my original thoughts, school. I had been in college before I found out that I was going to become a mother. Looking back at that time in my life, I realize that I never really had a direction. I couldn't choose just one path to go down that would satisfy me for the rest of my life, so I chose the no-path path. Living in limbo, enjoying young adulthood, doing whatever I wanted at a whim, it was nice enough. It wasn't until I found out that I was going to be a mommy that I started taking life seriously.

I dropped out of school due to pregnancy related illnesses. A while after I had my daughter, I realized that I needed to be her main role model. What kind of role model would I be working a part time job and living off of my parents charity? With that on my mind, I enrolled back in school and told God that if He wanted me to do this, He was going to have to help me get back in. In almost no time I received my acceptance letter, and I've been working hard in school ever since. I still have an entire year before I get my bachelors, which seems so long. After that, I will have to go back to school in the Teaching Credentialing Program. All of this has to be done before I can even start my career.

At times, I feel like I'm going nowhere. I feel like my life is passing me by, my child is growing up, and I haven't done anything. I'm sure some of you other moms out there feel this way. I'm here to say, let go of those thoughts and hold onto your plans and dreams.

It's so important for mothers to be the role models their children need them to be. Sometimes, as moms, we focus on achievement and showing our children how accomplished we can be. While it's important to feel good about what you've done and give your children valid reasons to look up to you, I think that we forget one thing that's even more important than that. Our children need to see that it's O.K. to have big dreams and plans for the future. They need to see that some of the best things in life require a great deal of hard work, planning, effort, and time. Children focus on the here and now, and so does our society. We need to bring our children back to the past, where people were able to wait for something far greater than what they could get immediately.

The moral of the story? It's alright for us mommies to feel disheartened and far away from our goals and dreams at times. It's alright to dip into the self pity jar once in a while. What's not O.K. is giving up on those dreams and goals. You will not only hurt yourself, but your children as well. They see more than you think. So while I'm whining about how long it's taking me to complete school, my daughter will see me persevering, getting up when I fail, working hard, focusing on greater things, and she will emulate that when she gets older. Not only that, she will see her mommy accomplish something no one else thought she would, which can be priceless.

STAY STRONG MOMMIES AND KNOW YOU ARE LOVED!

If you ever need advice or help, please don't hesitate to e-mail me ladies.

Hello one and all!

2011-12-11T23:23:00.000-08:00

This is my first post in regards to this website. I wanted to take a minute or two to introduce myself and what my blog. My name is Terri and as you will soon learn well enough, I am the mother of a two and half year old girl. Her name is Morgan, and she is my heart. I am a single mother, working and going to school full time.

The reason I started this blog was to give advice, share stories of trials and hope, and to allow you a view into my world. It is not easy being a single mom. It is not easy starting life over. My hope is that you can learn from some of my experiences or some of the advice tidbits I can throw your way. Some of my posts will be humorous, others will be challenging to read. I hope that we can grow together, and that you will feel you know me and my life a little more intimately after a while.