Havana Banana Land

Miami Circle

2011-02-24T13:25:00.000-05:00

Well it only took 12 years & 26 million for Miami Circle to be completed. It is now officially a 2.2 acre park with the riverwalk running from the base of the Brickell Bridge just over the site, around to the Miami River's south bank to Biscayne Bay. It further connects with another walkway behind the well known Icon.

The mysterious land possibly dating back to 100 AD is believed to have some kind of ceremonial significance. Discovered in 1998 during the development of Brickell Point, it is widely reputed to be the site of the original Miami settlers, the Tequesta Indians. Prehistoric bones, artifacts, shells, and ceramics were found on the grounds. Although there is still a lot of disagreement as to it's exact function and by whom, it is now designated as a public passive park.

You don't have to buy in the beautiful Icon towers to see it...just park (easier said than done) & walk...

Miami Boat Show

2011-02-19T21:07:00.000-05:00

If you have a chance, don't miss the Miami International Boat Show from February 17-21, 2011. This year's show will be at the Miami Beach Convention Center, Miamarina at Bayside and the Sea Isle Marina & Yatching Center with shuttle buses available. Aside from boats, there are contests, seminars on sailing, fishing, and boating. Attend a Coastal Cruising clinic & learn how to heave to, reef the sails, steer with the sails and crew overboard recovery methods. Improve your rigging skills at the Bait Rigging Station. Watch demos in their Be A Diver Pool & take a scuba lesson. Don't forget to visit the Human Aquarium in the Dive & Travel Harbor which promises a mermaid or two.

Most importantly, make sure you head over to the Marlin Bar where you can seriously ponder your need for that dream jet boat over a few frozen margaritas.

Miami Beach Porn Alive & Well

2011-02-12T14:59:00.000-05:00

Henry Flagler would be turning over in his grave to watch & it wouldn't be to glance at his own Flagler Memorial on Monument Island.

This $1 million dollar recently restored island between Venetian & MacArthur complete with a 100 ft obelisk built to honor Flager recently made it's official porn film debut. Beach officials were not thrilled to find out that a porn film called "Island Adventure" had been filmed in the middle of an early February day in one of their very public parks. Whether the filming by the producers Reality Kings broke any laws in not obtaining a permit is now the subject of debate and embarrassment, especially given that Flagler's historically significant obelisk appears as the infamous backdrop in a sex scene.

Just recently city commissioners were trying to stop what they describe as wild debauchery & partying & swinging on the island, and now this film pops up on the internet, sounding not unlike South Beach on any given weekend.

Adult films are no stranger to SoFlo with the 1972 porn classic Deep Throat filmed in a Coconut Grove mansion (although some folks insist it was really filmed at the Voyager Motel off Biscayne Blvd). Historians fear the film makers might return to the hallowed grounds of Monument Island to film an Island Adventure II, especially with Reality Kings reputed to be major players in what is now a 'booming industry in sun-soaked South Florida'.

Sun, beach, porn ....will bet you visits to Monument island triple in the next few months.

Monster Squid in Delray Beach

2011-02-09T20:23:00.001-05:00

Delray Beach when it is not being attacked by 3 ft squid is otherwise known as Village by the Sea. Located just north of Boca Raton in Palm Beach county Delray is a beach town with great galleries, shops, one of a kind boutiques. Delray Beach also attracts visitors with the Delray Beach Tennis Center, the historic Colony Hotel and the annual Delray Beach Garlic Festival. The Pineapple Grove Arts District is located just off Atlantic Avenue in Downtown Delray Beach on NE Second Avenue. It is a traditional downtown main steet with quaint brick sidewalks and gaslight-style street lamps. Gourmet restaurants, cozy bistros and outdoor cafes in addition to boutiques, gift shops, jewelry stores and art galleries are among its eclectic attractions. Old School Square, at the center of downtown, is a popular venue for the performing arts and seasonal festivals. Downtown's Annual Delray Affair is South Florida's oldest and largest outdoor arts, crafts, and entertainment festival venue.

And now Delray is attacked by giant monstrous squid which by some small miracle did not end up being served in one of those quaint restaurants...

Miami Is Depressed

2011-02-07T19:30:00.000-05:00

As if having more foreclosures than the beach has sand isn't enough...now Miami has the dubious honor of being rated numero second in Forbes list of Most Miserable Cities.

According to the Misery Index which no one has ever heard of before, Miamians are suffering due to the high unemployment, foreclosures, crime rate, traffic, and corrupt politicians. The only reason Miami didn't make number one was because of the great weather and a lack of state income tax. Last year Miami was only number six, so who knows, maybe next year we'll climb to the very top of the miserable list.

But tonight I'm gonna pour myself a nice cold glass of Pinot Grigio & climb into the backyard jacuzzi where I can happily toast to misery while the sun sets and the palm trees sway.

Plantation Acres Says No to Pigs

2011-02-04T14:21:00.002-05:00

Plantation Acres is a beautiful pricey
equestrian community in the city of west Plantation with custom and semi-custom homes going upwards of 3 million. Keep your horse in the backyard, and your car collection in the 10 car garage. There great schools, nearby Sawgrass Mall, an Equestrian Center, and at neighborhood Volunteer Park there are 85 acres of boardwalks, wetlands, nature trails, and bridle paths. There are also pigs.

Oinkers. Big ones. Feral hogs. Wild boars with tusks capable of goring one to death, now using those tusks to rout through yards, scavenging for food. A family of hungry pigs can reduce a meticulously landscaped home, golf course, or club grounds to an ugly mound of mud and holes. Not happy about Plantation Acres being a hog's paradise, homeowners are fighting back using a trapper. Might be a losing battle given their ability to reproduce from as young as 10 months, and produce several litters a year. No wonder they're hungry.

On the positive side perhaps the good people of Plantation Acres need to give some thought as to the potential business revenue of opening a few roadside barbecue huts along Hiatus Road...although my personal preference still remains an excellent tamale with fresh lime.

Monkey Jungle

2011-01-17T19:17:00.001-05:00

Dania Beach is not only a quaint village like charming city with a historic art and antique district, great cafes, ice cream shops, pretty white beaches with a great fishing pier, nature trails including a boardwalk over the mangroves... now they've got another claim to fame.

That would be the African monkeys with the long tails and big teeth frequenting the mangroves just north of Dania Beach Boulevard. What are monkeys doing in Dania? Depends who you ask...with answers ranging from the monkeys being left over from a Tarzan movie to a zoo escape back in the 1940s. Once over a hundred monkeys populated the area, now their numbers are around twenty.

So if you happen to be around Motel 6 in the afternoon, head around back with a banana, mango, or lettuce and make some new friends. They'll be waiting.

Miami Tower Still Shines

2010-12-21T20:19:00.000-05:00

Beautiful iconic Miami Tower just sold for a ripe 105.5 Million to a Chicago Investment Group. Built back in 1987 the 47-story three glass tier 600,000 square foot building designed by I.M. Pei is well known to locals for it's illuminating evolving palette of color schemes ranging from a Christmas blue with white snowflakes to a perfect pink for Valentine's Day, & a stunning purple Halloween display. Number one priority will be looking for a new tenant with Bank of America now gone. Would work for free just for the views...

No Boobs in Boca

2010-12-19T19:52:00.026-05:00

What is art...who knows? Most of us would hesitate before answering, humbled by what we don't know, only awed by what we've been given over the ages. It's been said that art is the signature of civilizations, perhaps a belief the city of Boca Raton does not subscribe to. Ask local South Florida sculptress Mary Eiland whose marble carved nude female torsos were removed from public display by a park director at Patch Reef Park who cited the art as 'inappropriate'. Art in Public Places regulations allow the city to reject any artwork considered inappropriate for public display, although there is no specific criteria except it appears art in Boca better not contain any tatas. Boca is well known for it's lovely landscaped streets, luxurious high end homes...let's hope it doesn't get an equally well deserved reputation for being a cultural wasteland.

Florida Sold for 73 Million!

2010-11-03T15:30:00.003-04:00

Florida has reached a new all time low...not only do we graduate terrorists but now we have Rick Scott as governor?

Scott's Columbia/HCA company, the largest private for-profit health care company in the US, had to pay a record $1.7 billion dollar fine for defrauding Medicare. During deposition he pleaded the Fifth Amendment 75 times. He was forced to resign as CEO back in 1997, with his company admitting to 14 felonies. Since then Scott has been involved with multiple businesses, primarily health care and pharmaceutical related but claims no lobby ties.

Deciding to run for political office in April 2010 to oppose health care reform with his health insurance buds, Scott paid over 70 million campaign dollars out of his own pockets...not to mention the backing received from lobbyists, Blue Cross Blue Shield, the Seminoles, & Sugar Industry. A special thanks to the GOP who after calling first him a crook did a full 360 & gave him $$$ support.

Floridians you have opened the monster's cage. Don't complain when you find your fingers missing...

Kyrie Eleison.

Happy Halloween Night

2010-10-31T14:44:00.001-04:00

2010-10-26T16:58:00.002-04:00

Looks like the Miami Heat is doing it's part to help the Miami condo market rebound. The LeBron Effect just might be the answer to some condo developer prayers...even now the ching ching of luxury condo buyers across from the Arena is making some sweet music. Some of the buildings offer top of the line amenities at off-peak prices & this just may be the shot in the arm downtown Miami has been needing. We're talking a knockout skyline of Marina Blue, Marquis Residences, 900 Biscayne Bay & Ten Museum Park towers...downtown restaurants & retail businesses. All hoping some of that Heat starlight will cast downtown in hipper light.

Be nice to see downtown Miami back & kicking like it used to.

Lobsters Beware

2010-08-13T09:17:00.008-04:00

Love to eat them with hot butter mingled with guilt. Just don't like to look at them alive & wiggling.

Something so sad about a creature that has managed to live fifty to a hundred years only to be boiled alive. Some studies even showing that lobsters genuinely feel pain. It leaves one hoping that the law of karma will not catch up to everything we do. With that in mind, be advised lobster season has begun...you who are truly heartless may want to try your hunting luck just a little south of the Deersfield Beach pier where this big boy was snared. But if you, like me, prefer to leave the guilt and simply enjoy the plate, better you head over to 15th Street Fisheries for the best & freshest Florida lobster. Far less chance of karma hitting you over the head.

Snail Coladas

2010-03-11T16:48:00.006-05:00

Adding once again to our favorite South Flo cocktail menu we now have the special family Snail Juice recipe, courtesy of a Hialeah man who uses these illegal 10 inch snails as part of his "El Africano'' or "Oloye Ifatoku" African religion Ifa Orisha, not to be confused with Cuban Santería.

Claiming it can cure a variety of ailments (probably promising male virility no doubt), Mr. Charles Stewart pours snail juice aka snail mucous down the gullets of his patients....so sickening them as to bring it to the attention of the authorities who conducted a snail raid! Turns out he was aided in his snail smuggling efforts by a high priestess who smuggled them in under her dress...a vision possibly more nauseating than the snails themselves....snails that can consume up to 500 species of plants, as well as plaster and stucco.

Authorities are putting out bolos warning South Florida residents to report any sightings of the giant suckers...bet they start to turn up on a few local menus before long.

Hottest South Florida Hotels

2010-01-31T09:48:00.006-05:00

With Super Bowl weekend right around the corner you might want to check out the list of the hottest hotels to be found anywhere in South Florida.

At the top of the list is the Epic Hotel, 54 stories worth of Bay and Miami skyline views. But if it's sail shaped night lit spectacle doesn't send you you could always try the Ritz Carlton on Ft. Lauderdale beach. Every room at the Ritz has an ocean or intracoastal view, with a 29,000-square-foot sundeck on the 27th floor complete with an infinity pool, private cabanas and a bar. Or like Truman used to do make your way down to Islamorada to visit the famous & now renovated historic (1946)Cheeca Lodge which would be my preference. So check out the hottest South Florida hotel list for yourself right here.

Now all you have to do is afford it.

Super Bowl Party Guide

2010-01-27T17:34:00.013-05:00

Super Bowl is on it's way & South Florida is in a buzz.

So here is your guide to which parties you want to be seen at & never will, the ones that everyone can get in including your crackhead grandmother and beer guzzling golden retriever.

You can forget crashing the GQ Party at the Bud Light Hotel & don't hold your breath waiting for an invite to the Maxim Party at the Raleigh in South Beach. But if you don't mind shelling out anywhere from 350. to 850. you can make it inside Leather & Laces which boasts the sexiest Super Bowl Party (see last years shindig below), or for a mere 1000K join Hef and his bunnies at the Sagamore.

Or stay home with the retriever & friends & have your own Super Bowl party. Gee, such decisions...

Killer Goggles

2010-01-25T16:57:00.006-05:00

Have you seen these?

If you have you'll want to contact Boca Police with any info that may help solve the Boca Town Center Mall killings of Nancy Bochicchio and her 7 year old daughter. Boca Police need help to identify the make or manufacturer of the yellow-framed, plastic goggles with removable black lenses and a black elastic headband which were left on the victims back in Dec. 12, 2007. Mother & daughter were found shot to death in their black SUV in the Town Center parking lot, bound with plastic ties, handcuffs, with one of them wearing the swim goggles. They were last seen leaving, walking into the mall parking lot in the middle of the afternoon just a few days before the little girl's birthday. Just 4 months earlier, a woman and her toddler were abducted from the same mall, taken to an ATM to withdraw money, found bound in their car, but survived. There's been criticism that Boca police have too much Mizner attitude, too little detective know how....the serial mall killer still hasn't been found. But forget that, if you can help, call Detective Jeff Clare at 561-338-1246 or Crimestoppers at 800-458-8477.

Florida on Ice

2010-01-09T21:52:00.006-05:00

Snow in Orlando with flurries expected in North Palm Beach...Governor declares weather emergency due to freezing temps causing agricultural disaster...frost on the windshields and frozen iguanas falling from trees (don't pick them up & drive them to the wild life shelter because they will recover en route...think Jurassic Park venom spitting Dilophosauruses and you get the idea).

South Floridians are in full panic mode. What do we wear when we can't use flip flops or tank tops? We own maybe three sweaters, some sweathoods and one maybe two leather jackets and that's just for show. Crisis, pure crisis. Here South Beachers spend their entire lives making sure there isn't a single layer of fat to ruin a bathing suit only to find out they could be frozen solid as a result. Just the idea of switching from the a/c to a heat cycle is unnerving especially when you can't remember how to do it.

So God if you're listening please bring back the iced lattes & mojitos, cancer growing sun rays and jungle humidity...just stop torturing us with temps under 70 degrees.

Piranha & Ponzi Alert

2009-11-17T23:42:00.012-05:00

Here we go again, growing yet another dangerous species. You're probably thinking attorneys, politicans, elected officials, but no... although certainly one could easily draw comparisons.

This as Palm Beach proudly presents it's very own piranha lake of horrors, up in Palm Springs, where two or three red bellied sharp toothed piranhas were recently reeled in. Wildlife officials who are up to their necks with pythons and gators dumped a nuke sized amount of poison into a pond trying to wipe out the fanged little critters. Given their success rate with other reptiles and amphibians we all may want to avoid wiggling toes and jiggly parts in lakes for the next few months...along with avoiding shark toothed attorneys selling Ponzi schemes while buying politician dreams.

So who do you think is busier these days...Wildlife authorities or the FBI?

Don't Pet the Alligator

2009-11-10T17:14:00.005-05:00

If you live in Florida, you may want to think twice about even walking out to your car. And no, it has nothing to do with having more AKs than palm trees. Because what do we have more of than even AKs...that's right! So here comes another gator horror story.

This poor dude reached under his car thinking he was going to get his dog, only to find a five foot gator instead. Happened in Land O Lakes, which is somewhere up in central Florida. Took 34 stitches to close up the damage and a lot of bandages.

Something to ponder the next time you walk around the yard calling for Fido should you reside in the land of swamptillia...because Fido may have grown some really big scales.

Fantasy Fest in Key West

2009-11-02T09:41:00.003-05:00

Key's Fantasy Fest down Duval Street partied on with drag queens, Jackie O's, vampires, and carnival dancers. Check out this link for more pictures of the annual Halloween parade which just seems to get freakier each Halloween.

The best part is that no hurricane warnings spoiled anyone's fun.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN NIGHT

2009-10-31T10:05:00.002-04:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL OF US. GOT TO GO & DIG OUT MY WITCH HAT. CIAO FOR NOW.

Iguanas Eating our Kids?

2009-10-02T08:53:00.004-04:00

It's finally happened, with the zillions of green lizards invading our backyards, our roads, trees...now they are trying to devour our young. This poor kid now needs tendon surgery on her foot when one hungry six foot iguana mistook her for a strawberry.

He grabbed hold of her foot, resulting in 23 stitches and future surgery plans. For anyone who hasn't been bitten by an iguana you don't want to be. It really takes a good amount of prying to get those jaws off and hurts like hell, this from personal experience having had a few pet iguanas in years past.

Time to add do not feed the iguanas to our do not feed the alligators signs?

Bringing Hudson Home

2009-08-26T14:12:00.009-04:00

Who would have thought that a cream and pink chihuahua with pink ear studs is no longer safe in Wilton Manors? At Georgie's Alibi no less where pink reigns king, or should I say queen?

It's been a few weeks now since Hudson Hayward Hemingway was dognapped by a Britney Spears tattooed perv at a birthday bash. Owner Brian Dortort let someone hold his precious little miss for a moment, and ya know what they say...all it takes is a few minutes.

Now, poof! Hudson is on a milk carton so to speak, considering the Chicago Tribune, Huffington Post, Miami Herald are running stories on the missing cutie pie. So if you happen to see little Hudson, help bring her home to daddy. Supposedly there is an arrest warrant waiting to be served on this Britney beeotch who belongs in prison, where all his uniform fantasies should come to life.

As for me, I am grateful for the porky brown chihuahua I have...he would be most difficult indeed to stuff into any purse & run. But we take no chances, even if Mr. Rhinestone Cowboy wants to show off his blinged black velvet collar, he will not be visiting in Wilton Manors anytime soon.

Green Mambas & Mambos

2009-08-20T20:27:00.011-04:00

Let's welcome the latest exotic species to invade our South Flo lands...that would be none other than the venomous green mamba snake, the snake with a bite that can kill even faster a case of road rage. Today in Hollywood a cable worker was bitten by a green tree snake with a yellow belly (not to be confused with the similar emerald green tree boas) when he leaned against a coconut palm. He didn't die but came a little close so now the hunt is on for green mambas. Imagine if they cross breed with the golden pythons, what a movie that would make as we all run for the Georgia line.

But if you are, as I am, more concerned about your lack of mambo expertise than you are about mambas falling out of trees try the Mambo con Cache dance school.

Better to get your Sou Flo priorities right... you can always duck the mambas, but it's a lot harder to fake the mambo.