The Wicked Bitch of the West Side

Can I pay you in Klonopin?

2013-03-14T02:35:00.002-04:00

A lot's happened since the last post. Mondo has left the lazyk and works in an alternate universe where drunks are given small scooters and allowed to drive without insurance, a driver's license or registration. Needless to say, Mondo sees an opportunity and starts selling small scooters to people at DUI checkpoints. But that's another story. Here's the one that kicks things off...
Mondo has become a real dick. Whether it's because of the drunk who stopped at the shop and wanted to see a Vespa oil filter to compare it to the one he bought online and make sure he bought the right one, or the drunk who wants to fix his own scooter behind the store and ask the mechanics how to jet the carburetor for the big bore kit he bought online, where the jets are, how to get them out, and whether we have any used ones he can have for free, Mondo has developed the ability and desire to tell people to get the fuck out of the store. So much for customer service.
So this dirtbag buys a scooter at a pawn shop, tries to fix it himself, takes it to the idiots who try to fix things just up the road from the lazierk, and then brings it to the lazierk when it blows up. He wants to know about the warranty, because it came from the lazierk originally, and even though he bought it at a pawn shop, put Walmart 10-30 in the 2 stroke oil tank and hit several parked objects in the short time he owned it, the factory and the dealer should stand behind it.
Now this fine specimen of American manhood is in his early thirties, and even though he paid less than $400 for his current mode of transportation, lives with his girlfriend and her mother while said girlfriend finishes high school, and doesn't have to pay for registration, insurance or a driver's license, finding funds to keep his scooter running as well as a Camry is proving difficult.
"I don't know what fucking moron worked on it last, but when he, or you, unplugged and disconnected every hose he, or you, could find, and filled the gas tank with Seafoam, he, or you, caused it to run lean, and the top end melted," said Mondo, "It's going to be about $450 to fix it"
"I only paid $400 for it, so I don't want to put any money into it," said the deadbeat.
"Too bad you didn't get it for free. We would have fixed it for free. What it costs to fix any motor vehicle is directly proportional to what you paid for it."
"Really?"
"No."
"I don't have any money right now. Can I pay you in Klonopin?"
"What is Klonopin?" Mondo asked the mechanic who fixes everything then does wheelies on it in the parking lot.
"You don't want it."
While the CSB would have jumped, or at least stumbled forward and drooled at the offer, Mondo looked it up on google and realized he did not,in fact, want to accept Klonopin as a form of payment. You can't send the electric company or the guys who sell you parts Klonopin in exchange for services. The vast majority of venders in the powersports industry do not recognize Klonopin as a currency. It's like bitcoin for the insane, and there's no cool decal to put up under the one on your door for visa and mastercard.
So Klonopin Guy, who is in his early thirties, a time when most people have the ability to make car payments and know better than to look up when it's raining with their mouths open and drown, called his grandma and talked her into purchasing him a new scooter. Even though she's on social security, Grandma put half the purchase on her credit card and talked her brother into lending her the other half. Grandma tells Mondo that she hopes this scooter will help Klonopin Guy get his life together.
This story is just beginning. Anybody want to lay odds that this is exactly what happened?

Flip Out

2011-07-14T13:50:00.002-04:00

We sold a guy a motorcross bike we don't have. Not to worry, it's done all the time. The CSB found it at another dealership, and sent Famous Nobody to pick it up.

the CSB was out cold when Famous Nobody returned. He took the bike out of the crate and got it ready for delivery, and then decided to ride it a little, because it's the latest and greatest, and Famous Nobody is the best nobody in the history of drag racing things your father buys you until they break.

Unfortunately for the Lazy K and the customer, Famous Nobody decided to ride a wheelie, and the bike came back over on top of him.

Famous Nobody has a clever plan. When the CSB sobers up, he's going to tell her that the bike was scratched up when he took it out of the crate.

We fix all makes and models

2011-07-12T06:52:00.000-04:00

Ever wonder what happens to your bike when you leave it for service?

I have video of Famous Dumbass, the famous dragracer and nobody who works for $7 an hour as a mechanic, doing wheelies through the service bay on a customer's Yamaha Vino scooter.

Want to make an appointment?

Mondo makes a "Deal" with CSB

2011-07-11T00:51:00.000-04:00

Mondo's back is causing him pain again so he went to the doctor. The Doctor was nice enough to prescribe him with more than enough vicodin. Seeing as how Mondo has quite a few extra pills to spare, he thinks of the best possible way to use them.

A week ago Mondo took a German bike in on trade. Because he enjoys bending his customers over, the Lazy K has very few dollars in the bike. The dealership doesn't sell this brand normally, so it will be hard for them to get retail out of it.

He sees an opportunity to make money and offers the CSB $5000 on this $7000 bike. His plan is to sell it on ebay and turn a quick profit. He leads everyone to believe that he will be taking it on his yearly trip to South America. CSB turns down his offer.

Another week goes by and Mondo asks Beans if she know the status of the supply of meds that the CSB has. "Not sure but she's been fucking crabby so she probably due for some more, why?" asks Beans. "Well, I have a plan to buy that bike I took in. CSB knows I have extras and she will come to me begging for them!" says Mondo

Needing pills badly, CSB goes to Mondo and works out a deal. "$5000 and 100 of your vicodin, and the bike is yours!" Smiling from ear to ear, Mondo say "DEAL".

Let There Be Light

2011-07-07T05:24:00.000-04:00

"If you think you are going to sell something, you might. If you know you are going to sell something, you will," Paco.

"I always assume I won't sell anything, so if I do, I'm pleasantly surprised," Mondo.

Over time some of the lights at the Lazy K have burned out. Because nobody really does anything to make the place nice, this has gone unchecked for at least a year. So it was getting hard to see all the dust on the bikes and people were tripping over dog toys and slipping in pools of dog urine.

Paco, in yet another attempt to make the place nice and normal like everywhere else he's ever worked in his life, went around one day counting the burned out bulbs. There were 83, about a third of the lights in the showroom.

He went to the CSB and she told him that if he brought in a ladder, she would order the lights and he could change them. She told him he could get a couple of the service guys to help him. She also thanked him for rearranging all the bikes and quads while Mondo and Beans counted dwarfs (short customers) They were trying to get to seven. That Paco is enthusiastic.

So the big day came when all the lights would be here and Paco brought his ladder and Mondo and Beans discussed their plans for lunch. Paco got a couple guys out of the service department to help him (they don't have names because next time we mention them they will probably have quit or gotten fired and been replaced), and made a few more enthusiastic comments in front of the CSB about making the store great and how well we would all do, and Mondo just about had Beans convinced that it was her turn to go pick up the food at Chipotle, when the lights finally showed up. There were 30. We needed 83, no 85 because they dropped two and broke them while taking them out of the sockets.

When she returned from picking up lunch, Tits Ahoy, the new receptionist Mondo and Beans convinced to pick up their lunch while they continued counting dwarves, asking one another if Paco counted, making him wonder what they were counting, felt a little disoriented. One corner of the showroom is now eerily bathed in light. And Paco doesn't have anything positive to say about the situation. And he didn't sell anything either.

Taco Dave moves in

2011-07-06T20:06:00.000-04:00

Apparently Taco Dave has suffered a few financial setbacks since getting fired. He has declared his undying love for the CSB and moved into her apartment. In addition, he bought a small dog. So they have that in common too.

The Poodle gets his space

2011-07-04T00:00:00.000-04:00

Today is the day the radio reps come around. The dealership buys a lot of radio time, and the CSB makes the reps give her free tickets to concerts and football games. Mondo sells them on Craigslist and they split the take.

So there were two radio reps there, to give her tickets and discuss advertising campaigns for the upcoming months.

The CSB decided it would be more fun to create a myspace space for the Poodle, so she and the Rhino spent the afternoon building it, while the radio reps talked to each other and then wandered off.

In other words, the business of selling motorcycles and ATVs came to a halt while the CSB constructed a myspace site FOR HER DOG!!!

On one of his many waddles through the store to the liquor store or out to smoke, the Buddha stopped in front of Mondo's desk, caught his breath and started to doze off.

"I couldn't make this up if I tried," said Mondo.

The Buiddha just nodded and closed his eyes.

After they constructed the myspace space, the CSB spent the entire afternoon showing it to the employees, clicking through the photos and reading aloud the Poodle's profile. She lied about his age too.

Buy Here, Pay Here

2011-04-28T14:27:00.002-04:00

The high gas prices are bringing them out of the woodwork. We get about fifteen calls a day from people asking about scooters. Most of them have seen the stuff online and figure that it should be cheaper to buy a Honda or Yamaha at a dealership than some piece of crap from China off the internet. If we have real live customers, they get put on punitive hold until they call back. If it's slow however, and the CSB is passed out in the back room, we put them on speaker phone.

"Lazy K, how may I help you?"
"What's your cheapest scooter?"
"How much are you looking to spend?"
"Not more than $500."
"We have one for $499."
"Really? What kind is it? I don't want none of that cheap Chinese crap."
"You have your choice between a Honda or a Yamaha."
"How fast will they go?"
"About 85."
"I'm liking that. Do you have financing where you don't check credit?"
"Sure."
"How does it work?"
"We give you the bike today and you pay us when you can."
"Now that's what I'm talking about."
"How much money can you put down?"
"I don't want to put no money down."
"Sounds good."
"What's the interest rate? I ain't paying no bullshit interest rate like 12%."
"I don't blame you. Nobody should charge high interest to a deadbeat who doesn't pay his bills. That's a ripoff."
"That's right. What bus will bring me there?"
"I don't know."
"Can't you look it up online?"
"Hold on."

And he did. For 18 minutes. When he called back and asked about five hundred dollar Honda we were going to let him ride home on today, Friar Tuck told him we just sold the last one. He called Friar Tuck a dick and hung up.

Dreamcatcher

2011-04-27T09:46:00.002-04:00

Last Friday, the FSB came into the LazyK and hung seven dreamcatchers she bought at the Dollar Store in various places throughout the store. Today, she came back and instructed Star to remove one and move another one 27 millimeters to the right.

The FSB instructed Star to handle the Dollar Store dreamcatchers with latex gloves so his essential oils wouldn't cloud their ability to cleanse the space and activate success energy in the employees, and place the non-operational dreamcatcher into a Fed-Ex envelope that she had drawn sacred symbols on with a Sharpie.

Apparently the spirit world is on the metric system.

Artfully Intoxicated

2011-04-04T12:37:00.001-04:00

Bandit stopped to take a pee during one of the events at a Dog Agility national qualification event. The CSB started screaming that she was going to have Bandit put down. She was asked to leave, then escorted out to her car by a bevy of concerned pet owners. She pulled over at a Chili's and washed down a few Vicodans with a couple of low carb Vodkas. She met a really cool group of teenagers on skateboards, and hung out with them for a while, thinking it was cool that they thought she was hot and wanted to make videos of her for Youtube, then she decided to drive home and totalled a parked car before smashing into a retaining wall.

When the owner of the wrecked car called police, The CSB asked them to classify the crash as a "minor incident" and told them she was fucking Freddie Fife of the State Highway Patrol, and that he would make their lives a living hell if they didn't let her go.

They refused and arrested The CSB, who they discovered had a penis drawn on her left cheek with a permanent marker.

The CSB was taken to the local drunk tank, where she offered an officer a blowjob to take a breath test in her place. The officer refused, and the CSB blew a 0.210, a little over the limit.

After passing out in her car behind Chilis, The CSB woke up and attempted to drive home when she hit the parked car, according to police records.

Police arrived at the scene found a parked car had been "extensively damaged" with the bumper ripped off and the engine exposed. She was seen to be swallowing a large amount of what she claimed were super aspirin when the police pulled up.

The CSB appeared to be heavily intoxicated. She was "observed... as having drawings of penises on the left side of her face and on her left leg, apparently drawn with a black marker".

She had the words "Fuck the State Highway Patrol" written on her back and her pants were down around her ankles.

According to police, the CSB was abusive and tried to use the fact that she's "Fucking a Colonel of the State Highway Patrol," to have officers cover-up the incident. She claimed she could have them killed by a Colombian drug gang and the CIA as well.

The CSB claims she remembers little of the night. She thinks Bandit was mixing her drinks and could have spiked them with drugs or large quantities of alcohol.

Donuts

2009-04-09T15:51:00.002-04:00

The CSB went to a seminar one of the local newspapers put on this morning at a local hotel. The seminar was about how to effectively advertise in this economy. The best idea the person who gave the seminar had was to advertise in the local newspaper. The CSB fell asleep and missed most of the seminar. On the way out of the conference room, the CSB stole a dozen donuts that were there for the guests. By the time she got here and stumbled out of her SUV, only seven remained.
"Who wants a donut?" she asked, and tried to place them on the counter.
The CSB was a bit unsteady and the box slipped from her grasp and the donuts fell out and onto the floor. Bandit grabbed a donut and ran off.
"Someone grab that fucking dog and take the donut away from her," screamed the CSB, "Damn dog tripped me."
She floundered around picking up donuts, putting them back in the box. There was icing on the floor where donuts landed face down. When the CSB had most of the donuts back in the box, she placed it on the counter and then told the Meal Ticket to go tell the service department guys that there are donuts, if anyone wants one.

Leaving On A Good Note

2008-08-13T22:42:00.002-04:00

Little Wigger has had enough. Enough of the CSB and enough of the crazy idiots that want something for nothing. One of them called and wanted to buy a 4 wheel drive Yamaha Grizzly ATV with fuel injection and power steering for $5000, even though it lists for $8999. The guy was calling from a state and a half over, and made Little Wigger call him back so he wouldn't have to pay for the call. Little Wigger listened to the guy talk about what a great deal he had worked out with a dealer five and three quarters states over, and if Little Wigger matched the other dealer's imaginary price, which no other dealer in the Eastern United States had offered to, it would work out better for the cheapskate, because he could have a friend pick the ATV up and deliver it to him, instead of driving the 1084 miles roundtrip, according to mapquest, to get it from the only dealer in the continental US to offer him such a deal. Besides, the mooch said the other dealer sounded a little snakey when he asked for the guy to put the offer in writing and fax it to him.

Little Wigger thought about it for a while, and decided this had all the makings of a great final sale. He explained to the mooch that the reason dealers who sell things really cheap can't put it in writing and fax it is that they get in a lot of trouble with yamaha. So Little Wigger told the guy that what we do instead is record the purchase, and that works even better. He put the guy on speaker phone and kept telling the guy that the microphone wasn't picking up his voice, so the guy was screaming in the phone that he wanted a Grizzly ATV with power steering for %5000 out the door.

Got it, said Little Wigger, picking up the phone just as the dogs were barking at the noise. He hoped they wouldn't lure the CSB out of her daily drug induced stupor in the back room.

The mooch sent his friend in with $5000 cash to buy the Grizzly of his dreams. Unfortunately, his friend didn't know much about ATVs, so Little Wigger sold him a left over 2006 2 wheel drive Grizzly 350 that we marked down to $3500. He pocketed the difference, helped the friend load the ATV into his pickup, then got into his car and went to lunch.

That was a week ago. Little Wigger hasn't been back and the guy who bought the ATV is not very happy that we won't take it back and give him a refund. He keeps screaming that we need to listen to the recording and we will see what he really wanted.

A Signed Original

2008-08-04T22:38:00.000-04:00

Gollum is greedy. Whenever he can, he tries to cheat the new kid with the Ubangi tribal jewelry hanging off his ears out of his commissions. Because Dickie fantasizes about an all he can eat Gollum sausagefest, he lets Gollum make the rules for the sales department. Gollum seems to find reasons to split most every deal.

Recently, Big Opie and the Comic Book Guy were opening the Point of Purchase displays that Suzuki sent us. They found a stack of posters of all the famous riders amongst the hangtags and safety notices. Big Opie took th stack of posters to Mondo and asked what to do with them.

"Let's sign them and put them on ebay," said Mondo. Then he went to lunch.

So Big Opie and the Comic Book Guy took the posters and signed them, some with the right hand, some with the left, with sharpie and ballpoint pen. By the time Mondo got back, they had signed the entire stack of posters and were arguing about who did the best Rickie Carmichael signature, and planning what they were going to do with the money from ebay.

"I was kidding," said Mondo, "That's not only criminal, it is easy to trace."

The evil Mondo made Big Opie and the Comic Book Guy throw away all their signed posters, save for one.

The next day, when Gollum came in from his day off, Mondo showed him the last remaining poster.

"The suzuki rep brought it by," he said, "and I gave it to Big Opie."

"Do you want it?" gollum asked Big Opie.

"Not really, I ride a Kawasaki ZX-10 and Suzukis suck."

"I'll take it," said Gollum, watching an imaginary auction take off in his head.

"I'll give it to you for a sandwich," said Big Opie.

So Gollum got the signed original poster of all the famous Suzuki riders for a sandwich that it took Big Opie a week of asking for every day before he finally got it.

Chicken Little Predicts the Future

2008-07-27T13:24:00.000-04:00

We started carrying Kymco scooters. They had some left over ones from last year, and were offering them at a huge discount. Mondo ordered 10, and forgot to tell Chicken Little.
When Chicken Little got wind of this, he went into a tizzy and immediately informed Dickie. Dickie wasted no time in drafting a memo that stated all future orders have to be cleared by Chicken Little, or they would result in termination.
It took us eight days to sell all ten, and Kymco still had some left over. Mondo suggested to Chicken Little that we might want to order more.
"I don't feel comfortable ordering 2007 scooters this far into 2008," replied Chicken Little, "We might get stuck with them."
"We sold ten in eight days," replied Mondo.
"I am well aware of that, but I think that's a fluke. I want to hold off on ordering any new units until we see how the economy pans out. The 2009 models will be out in a few more months."
Then gas went to $4.50 a gallon, and Kymco told us they are out of scooters until 2009.

Flipper

2008-07-27T13:19:00.000-04:00

Mondo hired a woman to sell bikes.

She liked motorcycles and had her endorsement. So Mondo figured she'd be easy to train in the art of parting enthusiasts from their money.

Her second day on the job, the woman showed up with both forearms bandaged from her elbow to the wrist. She told Mondo that she couldn't push heavy objects and is on a large and steady dose of vicodin. She seemed a little lost and bewildered.

Dickie says we have to build a case for letting go that doesn't involve the fact that she's stoned out of her mind and can't push a unicycle through the building.

This could be fun.

Can't You Smell that Smell

2008-07-27T13:17:00.000-04:00

Cowtits® likes her pants tight. Or she's putting on weight.

Either way, she's got a cameltoe so thick and juicy you can see two feet up her vagina and out the back of her uterus. It's a fragrant one, and the combination of fermenting beaver and enough perfume to conceal a corpse from a cadaver dog is pungent enough to curdle nondairy creamer.

Cowtits® likes to sneak up behind Gollum when he's watching pre-op tranny videos or selling old cars on craigslist and offer him candy, while rocking her mound into the back of his chair and banging the back of his head with her big fake tits.

On the days she's not here, Cowtits® makes little treats for Gollum by putting canned fudge frosting on doublestuffed Oreos. She calls her homemade creation Fuckies, for Fudge Cookies. Cowtits® likes to draw Gollum's attention to the fact that the Oreos are doublestuffed. She says the word doublestuffed a lot, and fuckies too. Cowtits® tells the young guys in parts or sales that one of her daughter's boyfriends gave her homemade treat their catchy little nickname and that her daughter's boyfriends and their buddies used to come over to the house a lot for doublestuffed Fuckies, even after they broke up.

Unless she's watching him, Gollum gives his Fuckies to Giant Robot, who is usually stoned enough to eat sugar with a spoon.

Cowtits® enjoys reminding the rest of us that instead of hiring a janitor, we should take turns cleaning the bathrooms. Once a month, Cowtits® makes a big production out of announcing that she's going to clean the bathrooms, then goes in and dumps the trash.

We ran out of paper towels last week because Cowtits® wouldn't let Jethro buy them anywhere but Costco, and she forgot to leave the card at the dealership.

The Proper Procedure For Ordering Supplies

2008-07-27T13:16:00.001-04:00

We ran out of toner cartridges and couldn't print out documents or run credit applications.

Business came to a standstill until Mondo sent Jethro to Staples with the company credit card to buy a couple.

When Cowtits® returned, three days later, she stampeded through the dealership, mooing loudly that we bought our toner cartridges at Staples instead of ordering them online and waiting a week, because they are $9 cheaper online and you don't pay sales tax. She even berated employees who have nothing to do with ordering or using office supplies. Everybody got an earful of the big cow.

And an unfortunate look at her leatherbelly.

And nobody got any candy.

Dickie sent out a memo that anyone who buys office supplies without checking with Cowtits® first will be terminated.

Saving that $9 and sales tax is more important than being able to do business for a few days.

Yes We Have No Bananas

2008-07-27T13:15:00.000-04:00

The kid wanted to trade in his KLR650. He bought it new six months ago, and financed the entire amount. His payoff was more than a KLR650 sells for new, and he'd spent a lot of time online, so he knew what blue book was. He wanted a Yamaha FZ6, and wasn't going to be ripped off again. The kid figured out how to play the game.

Big Opie VIII took his credit information, and then tried the one closing technique Big Opie VIII has mastered.

"Would you buy this bike today if I take $1000 off?" he asked.

The Kid would think about it. Meanwhile, what was the best price we would sell him the bike for and how much would we give him for his trade. He wanted us to pay it off.

Mondo went out to look at the trade.

The Kid had painted his KLR650 Dollar General flat black, and much of the plastic and metal had a strange texture.

"I put an aftermarket muffler on it, and the muffler came off and the bike caught on fire while I was riding it, so I painted it," said the Kid, "So I'm willing to take less than high blue book."

Mondo just shook his head and went inside.

According to his credit application, the Kid was a mechanic.

While Mondo ran his credit, the Kid and Big Opie VIII started to haggle.

How about if I pay off your trade, and give you $1500 off the FZ6?" Big Opie VIII spread his ass cheeks faster and wider than a Tijuana hooker.

It felt good.

One bank after another turned the Kid down, mainly because paying for the KLR650 after it caught fire didn't appear to be high on the Kid's list of priorities.

"I"ll give you $4000 for the FZ6," said the Kid. The FZ6 retails for $6899.

"$4,000 plus fees?" asked Big Opie VIII, hopefully.

"I'll consider it," said the Kid, "I saw an '08 on the internet for $6499, and want a better deal because it's a 2007."

"And what about your trade, what do you want for it?" asked Big Opie VIII, taking his time to very seriously write 'Custumer ofers $4000 + fees' on the worksheet.

"I won't take less than $5000 because it's only 6 months old."

"They sell for $5199 new," pointed out Big Opie VIII cleverly.

"It's got an aftermarket exhaust," replied the Kid.

"So can you just okay here your offer of $4000 plus fees and we pay off your bike?"

"What is the interest rate? I know a lot of dealers screw you on the rate."

This inane banter went on for way too long. Mondo felt like listening to them anymore would cause brain damage. And overhearing the company moron pull jumbo discounts out of his ass might give real customers bad ideas.

Mondo went out to the sales floor. He had lost interest in being nice.

"Look," said Mondo to the Kid, "This is not a third world bazaar and we're not haggling over the price of bananas. Your credit is so bad, you can't finance extra cheese on a pizza. Go waste someone else's time."

"How close to my price will you go?" asked the Kid.

"Not very," said Mondo.

"How much will you give me for my KLR in trade?"

"You set it on fire," Mondo turned and walked away, "We don't want it. Thanks for stopping by."
The Kid left in a hurry. He couldn't believe the surefire negotiating technique some of the car salesmen at work told him to use didn't work.

"Why did you blow him out of here?" asked Big Opie VIII, "We almost had a deal."

"Better check your meds," Mondo said, "They are causing you to disconnect from reality."

Mondo went back to the computer. The last lender had turned the Kid down. He was destined to spend the time left before the repo man came riding his blackened KLR from dealership to dealership, looking for a $4000 FZ6.

Dickie Downs the Lojack Lady

2008-07-27T13:13:00.001-04:00

Into the dealership walks a saleslady. Flashy car, expensive clothes, she hits up each of the salespeople looking for the Big Douche himself. Finally she gets to talk to Dickie. Turns out she's from Lojack (you might have heard of them, ya know, the people who figured out a really really good and proven way to fight vehicle theft).

Now begins about a week of negotiations as she tries to get Dickie's dealership on board with this good and proven product. Unfortunately for her, her company, Dickie's company and anyone stupid enough to buy a vehicle there, she has to go through Dickie and Chicken Little first.

To put Lojack on a vehicle, the mechanic has to be specially trained and bonded, since he will be the only person to know where the special transponder is hidden. Logic (shh, he might hear you) dictates that this is the second best way to do it, followed only by having NO ONE know where the transponders are placed. His section of the shop must be blocked from view of the other mechanics etc. Sounds good, right? Lol.

Dickie decides that he will not allow them into HIS (by gawd) shop unless he also knows where the transponders are placed, thereby making himself liable for any unrecovered vehicles and doubling the chance that the information would not stay where it belongs. This is only a minor blow to saleslady as every other dealership in a 50 mile radius gets on board immediately.

Now this story is short and is shy on detail but I'm going to leave you with one little gem. Chicken Little, in his finite wisdom and infinite ass kissing chooses to soften the blow to a disappointed sales staff by saying "They're useless anyway, anyone can steal a Lojacked vehicle as long as they cover it with a lead blanket".

Gollum goes American Chopper Part Deux

2008-07-27T13:13:00.000-04:00

The day after the Sucker bought his bike, Big Opie VIII and Comic Book Guy are outside, enjoying the sunlight and wondering aloud why every other dealer in the area gets more traffic than Saint Manure Motorsports (brains aren't a requisite to be hired here) when they hear an awful commotion coming up the street. It sounds like a moving traffic accident/jam. Horns honking, screeching brakes and somewhere, a motorcycle running like shit.

A few moments later they are amazed to see that Yamaha come back, with Sucker at the helm. He's still stalling every few yards and the bike sounds like an angry moped. Behind him is a long line of cars, honking and trying to get around him and almost hitting each other in their haste to get where they are going.

Sucker finally makes it into the parking lot, stalls the bike a final time beside Big Opie VIII and Comic Book Guy, pulls off his helmet and starts yelling about how terribly the bike is running. Now Big Opie VIII and CBG somehow manage to control their laughter and point Sucker around back to service. CBG decides to put out his cigarette (a rarity) and head around to see what's up. Turns out the bike is only running on 3 of 4 cylinders, and the used bikes are sold as is, with no warranty. He's been stopped by cops twice and told he has no brake or tail light.

The Whiner is hysterical by the time CBG gets back to Service. This bike would have been a gold mine for his department because it needs an easy 3k worth of work to make it even remotely safe to ride, let alone sell, but the deed was done on his day off. He starts whining at Comic Book Guy about the unconnected taillights but it's not Comic Book Guy's sale, so he just smiles and leaves in a cloud of Marlboro smoke after mentioning that Gollum was the one who ziptied the tail section off an old Honda to the back of the bike and couldn't hook up the lights.

TWO DAYS AND $500 LATER
and the bike is running on all four cylinders. Gollum is hiding from Sucker in Chicken Little's office, CBG and Big Opie VIII are once again outside enjoying the sunshine. Sucker mounts up, stalls twice on the way out of the parking lot, then hits the street. At which point the lack of rear end lighting comes into play. As CBG digs into his pack for another smoke he hears a horrendous crash and looks up in time to see Sucker flying through the air. He turns around to see Gollum looking out through a window with a small smile on his face. "If he lives through that, I can sell him a new bike."

Where Parts Guys Come From

2008-07-27T13:11:00.000-04:00

Gollum has a friend who lives at home. His friend has never had a job in his life, but he thinks motorcycles are cool and plays in a band. The Rocker is 32.

Gollum convinced the Douchebag that the Rocker would make a great salesperson. He also convinced the Rocker that it might be time to get some experience in the workplace. Gollum planned on helping the Rocker and helping himself to half the Rocker's commissions. Chicken Little figured he could help himself to the other half.

Even by Saint Manure standards, the Rocker wasn't very good at selling anything. He had trouble focusing on the big picture, which is selling and not sharing every detail about your band and every single ride you've ever taken in your life with the people who come in because they have an interest in buying a motorcycle. He also took frequent breaks when his mother brought him lunch or dinner, or merely wanted to come in and see that it wasn't a dream, the Rocker really had a job.

One morning, the Rocker was pushing out the used bikes when he dropped one and caused four to fall over. He broke a few brake levers and put big gashes in the plastic on a couple of the new KTMs. The Rocker righted the bikes and finished pushing them out, without disclosing what had happened.

Chicken Little noticed right away that there was something askew. He emailed the Douchebag, and they were hot on the case. The Douchebag went back through all his tapes and saw the Rocker knock the bikes over.

The next morning, the Douchebag was waiting for Mondo. He'd slept badly in his trailer behind the dealership, trying to figure out what to do about the Rocker.

"He's a nice guy but he can't sell motorcycles," said Mondo, "Not much good at pushing them out either."

When the Rocker came into the dealership, the Douchebag asked him to join them in Mondo's office.

The Rocker looked at Mondo. Mondo looked at the Rocker. The Douchebag looked like he needed a haircut and a bath.

"Mondo doesn't think you are doing very well in sales. Tell him why you're firing him," said the Douchebag.

Mondo started to pay attention. He hadn't mentioned firing the Rocker.

"You're just not selling very well," said Mondo, guessing that this was the reason the Douchebag had decided Mondo was going to use to fire the Rocker.

"And you let a bunch of bikes fall down yesterday," said the Douchebag, "and didn't tell Chicken Little. This is unacceptable."

"Am I fired?" asked the Rocker.

"We decided to move you to Parts," said the Douchebag, "Mondo doesn't want you in sales anymore."

"Okay," said the Rocker.

Dickie sent out a memo that anyone who knocks over a bike will be terminated.

Gollum goes American Chopper

2008-07-27T13:10:00.000-04:00

Gollum is in charge of used bikes, i.e. purchasing crap for nothing and selling it for a little bit more than nothing to unwary customers. His biggest claim to fame being his "roach" of a cruiser, "I put the grinder marks on the pipe myself!" and the two bikes on the lot, purchased for $200 (total) and put back on sale for about $1500 (apiece) never mind the rust pitting, the old, unsafe tires and the fact that they'll probably grenade before they get off the lot.

So one day (so the story goes) Gollum lands on a gold mine. A ten year old Yamaha sportbike, with a wonderful (for a six year old) paint job, almost frozen steering head bearings and bad suspension. Of course he buys it and it goes in back for service to try and make it saleable. But Gollum knows that by the time the mechanics make it safe to drive, all the profit will be gone. So he calls a buddy who has been scraping change for a year to buy his first bike (can you say SUCKER?). His buddy, all unawares, thinks Gollum is doing him a favor.

Now there's only one hitch in the ointment (yeah I know). This fly in the pudding so to speak is that Chicken Little just made a new "rule". Now you have to understand, Chicken Little's main job at this dealership is to keep it an ongoing tax shelter for all of Cowtits®' gambling losses, i.e. it's his job to make sure they lose money (and figure prominently in Dickie's dreams). This newest rule is that no bike can be sold with aftermarket stuff on it. So when they purchase a used bike, they have to put stock blinkers etc. on them. Somehow they manage to leave the aftermarket pipes and whatnot on, but the blinkers are a big deal to him. Ya know, it's ok to do some illegal things, but not others depending on the day of the week, the position of the moon and whether Chicken Little is having a bad hair day or not.

So Gollum heads in back to get the bike ready for his unwitting friend. The front goes just fine, he slaps on a couple of stock type blinkers and then heads for the back of the bike. Oh my, no blinkers at all. Three grinder wheels, four blinkers and two bandaids later, he has "fabricated" a new rear fender, complete with blinkers and taillight, 'cuz that's what makes this bike unsafe, not the bad bearings in the steering head, the bald tires, leaking fork seals or bad rear shock.

The next day, Gollum and Comic Book Guy are outside with Gollum's friend (Comic Book Guy spends most of his time outside, trying to keep enough nicotine in his system so that he can function).
The Sucker (friend) is beside himself with joy, he can finally afford a sportbike. Now maybe he can lose his virginity (at 30 it was starting to worry him that he hadn't yet). His bedazzled senses skim over all the glaring defects in the bike, the bad paint, the scraped and broken levers and pegs....all of it. He doesn't even care that he doesn't know how to ride or doesn't even have a license (a fact ignored by Gollum as he hands over the keys).

So Gollum and Comic Book Guy watch Sucker stall it three times in the parking lot, and twice on the street, their arms become tired from waving because it takes Sucker about 20 minutes to get out of sight.

Gollums leans into the cloud of smoke surrounding CBG and says "That's some good fabrication work man, but I sort of feel like I should have hooked up the taillight and blinker wires".

Stay tuned, Sucker comes back the next day.

Moving On Up

2008-07-27T13:08:00.000-04:00

Cowtits® and the Douchebag used to bless us with their presence a couple of times a week. The rest of the time, the Douchebag would stare drunkenly at his security monitors all day long and email Chicken Little with advice as to how to further demoralize the staff. Occasionally Dickie would personally call an employee and expound on such topics as how to close doors, sweep floors, or clean off desks.

Dickie sees all.

When Cowtits® and the Douchebag came to town, they would stay at nice hotels and pamper themselves with fine meals.

Cowtits® always brought back leftovers for Gollum and Chunks.

Suddenly, that's changed.

Dickie and Cowtits® are living in a motorhome behind the dealership and eating the hotdogs they bought and froze for Bike Nite. He's looking a little ragged every morning. I'm not sure if it's the after effects of too much drink or lack of sleep while watching his life slowly slip into the shit.

Big Opie VIII got online and found out Dickie's really nice house is in foreclosure.

Maybe that's why we had the Christmas party at BW3 this year instead of their McMansion on the hill.

Opie Tries to Score

2008-07-27T13:07:00.000-04:00

Big Opie VIII came to Saint Manure from the bad dealership on the rough side of the tracks. He was let go for lack of sales. In other words, Big Opie VIII can't close a door. Maybe it's because he's always whacked out on prescription meds.

When we hired him, Big Opie VIII told the Douchebag that he couldn't pass a drug test because he is on doctor's orders to remain under a self induced coma.

The Douchebag demanded that Big Opie VIII tell him what the doctor prescribed. Though illegal to make this demand, the Douchebag made Big Opie VIII's employment contingent on this disclosure.

Once he got here, Big Opie VIII stood in front of the glass doors, responding occasionally to light and movement of big objects on the street outside. He has sold little.

Comic Book Guy was trying to sell an exceptionally attractive woman her first motorcycle. Big Opie VIII started to talk to her while Comic Book Guy was in the sales office trying to put a deal together on a Honda cruiser.

"I'm so excited about learning to ride," she said.

"I've helped a lot of new riders," replied Big Opie VIII, "You should start out on a sport bike like my Yamaha R1. It was just dynoed and it puts out 162.93 horsepower. I used to be a racer until I hurt my back in a high side at Daytona."

"I'm going to take the course and my friend is going to teach me too,"

"I hope your friend is as good an instructor as I am, because I've had six friends killed on motorcycles in the last few years. Maybe you should go for a ride on the back of my bike first. I used to be racer before I hurt my back."

Big Opie VIII stuck another morphine lollipop in his mouth and watched the woman leave. He was sure she'd be back to see him. They'd talked.

"Where'd my customer go?" asked Comic Book Guy, returning with an approval from the finance company.

"She said she had to go to work," said Big Opie VIII, "I'm going to fuck her when she comes back. She's hot."

Then Big Opie VIII clocked out and went home for a two hour nap and intravenous drip of narcotics.

It's Always Fun Until Somebody Takes Out a Waverunner

2008-07-27T13:06:00.000-04:00

The weather has been downright freaky lately. Freakier than the thoughts that pass through Chicken Little's mind when he creeps past schoolyards in his blacked out van. A storm left the parking lot in front of Saint Manure covered with a layer of hail.
Giant Robot decided this would be a good surface to practice his drift racing skills.
He loaded himself up with medical marijuana, stuck his favorite song from "The Fast and the Furious 2" on his MP3 player, and started drifting back and forth across the parking lot, sliding on the ice.
Onto the ever expanding list of things Giant Robot does not do well can be added Drift Racing.
Somehow, the car got away from him and hit the one waverunner we wheel out on a stand every day. The Waverunner fell over and broke, to put it mildly, and Giant Robot hid his car in the Supermarket parking lot next to Saint Manure and then hid back in Shipping and Receiving.
Though everyone in Sales and Parts saw it happen, nobody thought to inform Chicken Little, nor to identify the culprit.
When Chicken Little saw the damaged Waverunner on it's side leaking oil onto the ice, he ran into his office, locked the door, and called Dickie the Douchebag.
All Dickie caught on tape was was the Waverunner falling into the frame and bouncing a couple times on the parking lot.
Chicken Little asked the employees one by one if they'd seen anything.
"There were two n... black guys in the parking lot a while ago," said Big Opie, sucking on a morphine lollipop, "They do things like this a lot. I'll bet it was cool to watch."

Dickie sent out a memo that parking the waverunner where his video cameras can't watch it is grounds for termination.