My Life

Roller Coaster Ride - Part Two

2014-11-21T10:24:00.002-05:00

Roller Coaster Ride - Part One

Taking the Princess to the ER was not an easy decision. She became frantic when she heard where we were going, asking, "Why?" and "What's going to happen?" over and over again. Once we arrived and she was placed in a treatment room, the seriousness of the situation began to hit me. We were at the hospital because we were afraid our daughter would hurt herself if we left her alone. This was not like when she was two and used to get scared there were monsters in her closet; this time the monsters were insider her head. And unlike when she was two and I was able to get rid of the monsters by spraying the "Go Away Monsters" spray (which looked remarkably like Fabreeze), I was completely at a loss here.

We spent hours in that ER. The Princess had to repeat her story so many times, to the nurse, the doctor, the other doctor, the social worker - once with us in the room and again with us out of the room. Each time the fear and guilt would well up inside of her, looking for a way out. She was wiped. We were wiped. And the night wasn't over yet.

The doctors ruled out any medical issue that would cause this situation, so the social worker decided that we needed to transfer her to a nearby facility to be evaluated and possibly admitted. If admitted the Princess' worst fear would come true: we would have to leave her there. Parents were not allowed to spend the night with their children. Once again panicked ruled her every thought. Our mantra became "One step at a time." DH and I kept repeating it to her and each other when we began thinking about the possibility of having her admitted. I went with her in the ambulance-like transport vehicle but had to sit in front while she lay strapped to a stretcher in back. I listened to her quietly crying behind me and could not even reach my hand out to comfort her, could not even twist myself in a position so she could see me.

We arrived at The Center (not its real name) and were escorted into the building. We were taken back to an evaluation room. By now it was the middle of the night and we were exhausted. DH and I shifted in the hard back cheap plastic chairs, trying to find comfortable positions, while the Princess did everything she could to practically climb inside of us. We listened as the Princess once again told her story. The final decision was that if we were able to promise not to let her out of our site until Monday, she would not have to be admitted but instead would begin The Center's partial hospitalization program from 8:30 to 2:30 Monday through Friday. We agreed and took her home. It was 4 in the morning.

This is hard to write.

I have had to pause many times while typing this to take a break. I find myself beginning to breathe faster, tensing my muscles and clenching my jaw, as I relive these experiences. Especially knowing that the partial hospitalization I am writing about will not be the last.

The Roller Coaster Ride - Part One

2014-11-20T13:10:00.002-05:00

I had all but stopped this blog since I started using Facebook. But with everything happening I need to write it down somewhere that would still respect my daughter's privacy.

We have had to partially hospitalize our little girl.

This past August, while I was completing the last week of camp, the volcano of emotions that our daughter had been suppressing erupted, spewing poison on everything in its path. The Princess had spent two nights with some neighbors at their shore house. She was a little nervous going, but we had assured her that if at any time she wanted to come home, we were a phone call away. We got the call; DH went off to pick her up. She entered the car quietly, but as soon as he pulled away from their shore house, the floodgates opened. By the time they got home, he called me at camp.

This had come out of nowhere. Since I was working at a therapeutic camp, he brought her to me. I had never seen her like this. She was a wreck and had been sobbing on and off for most of the day. We had her sit down with one of the therapists, who was able to calm her down. By that evening we had brought her to the ER of a large children's hospital.

Her story emerged slowly that day, in bits and pieces, on her bed. She began with little stuff, testing to see my reaction, getting more and more weepy as she went on. Apparently she had been feeling guilt and anxiety for a long time now, and she was panicked at the idea that she may have done something wrong, something so horrible that she would be arrested and sent to jail forever. While away from home she heard on TV about the apparent suicide of Robin Williams. She heard a news reporter mention the discovery of a knife at the scene and began obsessively thinking about the knives at our house and how she could use one to hurt herself. Once she thought it she could not get the idea to stop ping-ponging in her mind, and that terrified her.

I can still see her lying in bed, her face buried in the pillows, crying, peeking up every once in awhile to gauge my reaction. "Princess, you could never do anything that would make me stop loving you," I explained as calmly as I could. "You could have murdered someone and I would still love you. I might be a little confused, but I would still love you." A tiny giggle emerged from the pillow.

The Princess sat up, took a deep breath, and began talking to me about the guilt that has been gnawing at her. "I have been thinking about things that I have done years ago, things that I now know were wrong, things that might even be illegal." She paused, glancing at my face to make sure I was still okay. I worked to keep my face completely impassive. She continued, "Four years ago (when she was SIX) I did something with a friend and her younger brother that I now know was totally inappropriate. I didn't think it was that bad when we did it, but now I know and I feel so bad and I think if anyone finds out they will arrest me." At this, she threw herself back on the bed, sobbing so loudly that she soon was having trouble breathing. I worked with her to calm her breathing, and soon she was able to whisper this horrible, horrible crime: "We pulled down our pants and looked at each other's private parts."

In other words, they played "doctor," something most kids at that age have done for years. Something so common they have a cute name for it.

I began saying everything I could to assure her that this is normal, this is something most curious kids do. I asked her if they touch each other, and she shook her head. I asked her if it made her feel uncomfortable, and she said not really, but she kind of felt it was wrong. I asked her if it was something she did recently, and she quickly responded no with a shocked tone.

And I told her what she really needed to hear, "I still love you."

After the big secret was told, the others came pouring out. Little ones mostly, things like going along with her friends and not stopping them when they made jokes about another girl. Another that made her begin sobbing again was about a crank call. No, she didn't make a crank call, but she had actually contemplated helping her friend make a crank call. To the library. To ask if they had a book on how to make babies. No one actually made the phone call, but the fear that the security camera at school had recorded this conversation and the police were coming to lock her up was all she could think about. Every time she heard a police siren she tensed up, just knowing that it was coming for her. And she was terrified that a few years from now she would look back at something she was doing now and realize that it was totally wrong and inappropriate.

No matter how much I assured her that all of these things are normal, that she was not a bad person, that I still loved her, didn't matter. She FELT bad, and thought she should die.

That evening we drove her to the ER.

Starting Over

2014-06-29T20:43:00.000-04:00

I need to start blogging again.

It's been a rough year. I have had major clinical depression most of my life, but it has been under control with medication. The depression gradually, insidiously started taking control of my life again about seven months ago. It actually got to the point where DH and my mom took me to the ER for fear that I would harm myself. Yeah, it was bad. As always, I could function really well at work (I'm teaching at a preschool now), but at home, all I wanted to do was sleep. Sleep was my escape. And I wanted to escape pretty much whenever I was not teaching.

So I started therapy again. And got a psychiatrist to adjust my meds - he actually added another one to what I was already taking. In case I ever questioned if depression is a chemical thing, I do not questions it any more. Cognitive Behavior Therapy was new to me, but it definitely helped. However the biggest thing that helped was that new medication. Within a few days of starting it, the weight began lifting off my shoulders.

Know this song? "I can see clearly now the rain is gone . . ." That's what it feels like.

I can function again.

Back on the Menu Planning Train

2013-08-25T23:30:00.000-04:00

Meatless Monday: Tilapia Baked in Couscous served with brocolli

Tuesday: Beef Stir Fry with onions and string beans
The beef was already cooked and frozen in some kind of sauce (I forget what kind), so I'll just be cooking up the veggies and adding the defrosted beef. I'll be sure to set some of the beef (with the mystery sauce washed off) and string beans aside for Twin A, who does not like sauces or food that is mixed up.

Wednesday: Tuna Noodle Casserole
Easy Peasy! Make boxed mac and cheese, stir in tuna and peas.

Thursday: London Broil served with rice and sugar snap pea

Friday: Shabbat dinner at my parents

Saturday: Mish Mash Leftoverpalooza

Sunday: Dinner at my in-laws'

Addiction

2013-03-08T15:40:00.002-05:00

I think I am ready to admit it now: I'm an addict.

And if I knew of a twelve-step program that could help me, I would willingly seek out the next available meeting.

I'm addicted to sleep.

I'm not saying this to be funny, or to commiserate with other tired moms out there. I know all of us would love to take a nap, or are tired from being woken up during the night one too many times. But once I started thinking about my need for sleep like an addiction, it really fits.

To test my theory, I copied, pasted, and edited the ten warning signs of alcoholism:

Do you ever sleep after telling yourself you won't?
All the time. I always start the day with the best of intentions, telling myself I won't lay down to take a nap, but sooner or later I do.

Does your sleeping worry your family?
Oh yeah!

Do you sleep when you feel angry or sad?

Sleeping is my main form of escape. If I'm angry, but especially if I'm sad, I curl up under the covers and go to sleep.

Have you ever felt you should cut down on your sleeping?

Every day that I am home from work or it's the weekend and I have the opportunity to sleep, I do. I feel I should cut down on my sleeping every day.

Do you get headaches or have hang-overs after sleeping?

Not really. Finally, one question I can say no to! Though I do often wake up with my kidneys hurting so much because I was too tired to get out of bed and pee.

Does your sleeping ever make you late for work?

Yes. I can convince myself of anything in order to hit the snooze alarm or reset the alarm so I can sleep just a little bit more.

Have people annoyed you by criticizing your sleeping?

Some of the biggest fights DH and I have had are about my sleeping.

Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your sleeping?

Every day.

Do you ever forget what you did while you were sleeping?
Obviously not. Woohoo, another question I can say no to. That makes two! However I do almost always forget about everything I have planned when trying to get more sleep. And I do forget everything that I promise the kids or DH in order to be able to sleep for five more minutes.

Have you ever gone to sleep first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover? Not to "steady (my) nerves or get rid of a hangover" but I often go back to sleep first thing in the morning. Sometimes I wake up, stretch, and then just go back to sleep, and sometimes I get myself a bowl of cereal first before I go back to sleep.

There. I've answered every question. And I return to the original website to check out what my responses mean with a feeling of dread, and my fears are confirmed when I read, "If you answer even one of these questions with a 'yes,' you may be an alcoholic." Or, in my case, a sleep addict.

And just like a food addict who struggles because food is one of those things you can't live without, I can't go cold turkey to break my addiction to sleep. But sheer will power is not cutting it.

I don't know what to do about this. I thought when I got diagnosed with Narcolepsy so many years ago I would be able to stay awake and alert for longer periods of time, but it's just not happening. But I do know that admitting the problem is the first step in solving it, so that's what I'm doing:

I am Miss Mommy, and I am addicted to sleep.

Life is Crazy - What Else is New?

2012-12-20T10:17:00.001-05:00

I can't believe it's December already and I haven't written since September. Bad Blogger, bad, bad, bad. I am hanging my head in shame.

And . . .now it's Hanukkah. (Okay, okay, when I started writing this post, it really WAS still Chanuka. I'm keeping the original language for the integrity of the piece. Yeah, the integrity, man!)

Happy Hanukkah!

Money has been extremely tight (that's a post or two for another time), so we had to be very creative this year for gifts. Here is my take on having an extremely frugal Hanukkah:

We have a fairly strange Hanukah tradition that has developed over time. One night of Hanukka the kids will each get a new pair of pajamas. This year I found each of them a pair for under $5 at one of the local Goodwill stores - SCORE! Our tradition is that whichever night the kids get their new pair of pajamas they rush upstairs to put them on while I make hot chocolate for all of us. As soon as they are changed we all hop in the car to go look at Christmas lights. Yes, I told you it was a strange Hannukkah tradition, but it works for us!

The second night of Hanukkah fell on a Sunday this year. Most Sundays we go to my in-laws for dinner, and this Sunday was no different, which meant we celebrated Chanukkah in front of their Christmas tree. My ILs got around our plea to cut down on the number of gifts they shower on the kids for Christmas by getting them each a present for Chanukah, which means we do NOT need to buy them a present for the night. Win!

Since DH and I are both teachers, we have another tradition that one night of Hanukah the gift will always be a new book for each child. This year DH bought the books at his school's book fair, which meant not only were the prices discounted, the profits of the fair went to his school's library. Win/win!

On the fourth night of Hanukkah (anyone else hearing the music of the "Twelve Nights of Christmas" in their head?) we gave the kids make your own sundaes. We wrapped up a different topping for each child to unwrap and then pulled out the ice cream, whipped cream, bowls, and spoons.

On the fifth night of Chanukkah ("...my true love gave to me...") we gave the kids a gift I made myself (I'm so crafty, I know.) This year, with me subbing most days, I knew there would be days that the kids would get home five to ten minutes before either DH or I got home. In September we gave the kids house keys. For Hanukkah I made them personalized key chains. I bought thin wooden circles at a local craft store (22 cents each) in which I drilled a hole through at the top (go me with my power tools!). After painting each circle a different color, I modge-podged words and pictures that I had cut out from magazines onto each key chain.

Twin A (my video game lover) got a picture of Sonic on one side and words like "clever" and "funny" on the other side. Twin B (currently obsessed with professional wrestling) received a key chain with a personalized paper wrestling championship belt buckle on the one side and the logo of the WWE along with other words that describe him on the other side. The Princess' key chain had her name (with the letters cut out from various magazines) on the one side and then a ton of great descriptive words on the other. I also had to buy key rings and metal clasps for this gift (approximately $3) and some more Modge Podge because I was out (around $6 - but I will be using that bottle for many other crafts, too).

Wood circles = 22 cents/each

Key rings/clasps = $1/each

Amount of Modge Podge used for each = approximately $1/each

I would love to end this section by writing, "The look on the kids' faces when they saw their personalized key chains and realized how much time and effort went into making such a special gift = priceless," but in reality the kids looked at both sides of their key chain for about fifteen seconds each, commented on a couple parts, and then had to be reminded to thank me.

I am going to tell myself that they will appreciate this gift more as they get older. Yeah. They will. I'll just hang on to that idea.

For this night, the kids each received the gift of one-on-one time with the parent of their choice, going or doing whatever they wanted (within monetary reason) some time over winter break. Hopefully this will not be more expensive than I am anticipating.

The seventh night of Hanukkah fell on Shabbat (Friday night). This is when my whole extended family gets together to celebrate Hannukkah. My parents and my sister buy presents for the kids, so DH and I are off the hook for that night. This year the adults did a pollyanna among ourselves for the first time, which was WONDERFUL!!!

DH and I had talked about getting the kids a "big" gift for the last night of Chanukkah, but it turns out his definition of a "big" gift meant a "BIG GIFT" where my definition had really meant "big gift," and since he's the one who did the shopping for it, I lost out. So much for any money we saved being frugal for the other nights.

Bah, humbug.

P.S. Bonus points to anyone who noticed who many different spellings of Hanukkah I used when writing this post. Record your answer in the comments section along with any frugal gifts YOU have given your own kids.

Almost Back to School Time . . .

2012-09-01T23:40:00.002-04:00

. . . and I can't wait!

Summertime is fabulous, but this one kind of sucked.

We got to play with adorable
cats like this when volunteering
for P.A.L.S - how great is that?!

First The Princess had what looked like a teeny tiny bug bite. It didn't really hurt her, but it was oozing just a tiny bit and we were about to volunteer for P.A.L.S. , so I cleaned it and put a band-aid on it. In the morning, when I took the band-aid off, it was totally disgusting. There was no doubt in my mind it was infected due to the swelling and amount of pus, and after attempting to care for it at home, I finally took her to the doctor who told us that it was probably MRSA, an antibiotic resistant type of staph infection. The lab test which came back a few days later confirmed it. We treated her with Bactrim and she got better.

Then DH got a little cut on the Tragus part of his ear (see diagram on the left). It also became infected with MRSA. We knew that because it swelled and swelled and swelled - never would have thought that part of the ear could possibly get that big. He was hospitalized for a week for IV antibiotics and eventually surgery to drain the infection. He was discharged and home for about ten days before spiking a fever and getting readmitted for another week for even more antibiotics.

And then I discovered a tiny but extremely painful bump on the top of my head. Yep, it was MRSA. And oh my gosh did it hurt! After a few days of antibiotics and lots of time lounging around in the bathtub (hey, the doctor told me to apply warm compresses as often as possible - hot baths qualified), my head started to feel better, just in time for Twin B to point out painful red spot on his thigh. We took one look and knew what it was. At the hospital we discovered two other infected areas on his body. Twin B was hospitalized for a week for IV antibiotics.

The Princess and Twin A were at my sister's house while we were with Twin B in the ER. When I went to pick them up, my sister pointed out a red spot on The Princess's chest. Oh, come ON!! I turned around and took her back to the ER. Because she has always had such sensitive skin and eczema, she apparently had a number of raw spots on her body. As we started examining her in the ER, we found a total of seven spots on her infected with MRSA. Back on antibiotics she went.

I'm not gonna lie; MRSA is a pain in the butt to get rid of once more than one family member has it. We have bleached every surface, doorknob, and handle in the house. We have bleached all of our sheets, pillowcases, towels, and washclothes. We have each put medicine up our noses (at the suggestion of the infectious disease doctor) twice a day for a week. We have washed our bodies in a special hospital cleanser for ten days.

But as much of a problem dealing with the infections was, dealing with people's reactions was worse. There is so much misinformation out there about MRSA. My kids and I were kicked out of camp. People wouldn't come inside our house. Some of my daughter's friends wouldn't let her play with them. When on vacation with my extended family, it was decided that we were only allowed to use one particular bathroom in the beach house. I feel I am an expert on MRSA now, but even when I have tried educating people with information from the CDC (and supply links for more detailed information), people were scared and simply stayed away.

So I'm thrilled to declare the Summer of MRSA is nearly over. Bring on school, with its early mornings, temper tantrums, packing daily lunches, homework struggles, behavior issues, and all.

It's got to be better than this past summer.

DH is NOT 40. Yet.

2012-04-23T09:21:00.000-04:00

Milestone birthdays and me do not seem to mix very well. When I turned 30, my twin boys had both recently come home from the NICU. We had the extended family come over, as is traditional in my family, and a cake (I think), but most of the evening was spent passing my beautiful boys around and ooing and aaahing over them. Sleep deprivation and new mom hormones combined, and the evening was a blur.

Earlier this month I turned 40. Not only was it the second night of Passover (which normally would have been spent participating in the Second Night Seder at my synagogue) but I was sick. Apparently now that I had pneumonia in October, every head cold has the potential of settling in my lungs and becoming pneumonia all over again. I worked hard (a lot of rest, liquids, decongestants, antibiotics, and two different inhalers) and I did NOT end up in the hospital again, but it still took me a good two weeks to get over. I didn't even get a cake this year, and only my mom (who stopped by on the day of my birthday to bring me a present from both my parents but stayed well at the other end of the couch to avoid getting what I had) sang me "Happy Birthday."

Around that time, DH (who is a full year younger than me) started talking about inviting a few friends over to celebrate his birthday which is at the end of this month. He assured me that he would take care of everything. He also told me that this was going to be a "I'm not yet 40" party (nice, isn't he.) Fast forward to this weekend. I asked him to make me a list of everyone he had invited and show me who has said they are coming. The list of RSVPs is already well over twenty! When I asked him if he was planning to barbecue, he infomred me that he thought "we" would just do a whole bunch of appetizers like "we" do for New Year's Eve. Of course, that is the royal we.

So this week, in addition to everything else I need to do, I will be compiling a list of appetizers, shopping for the ingrediants, and then making anything I can make ahead of time. I will post recipes after I have finished compiling them.

And after his "I'm not 40!" party is over, I am going to start planning my do-over 40th birthday party. Because I so have it coming to me!

13 Things I SHOULD Be Doing Instead of This

2012-04-19T15:33:00.001-04:00

Transferring the laundry into the dryer
Washing the dishes in the sink
Turning on the dishwasher (yes, we have that many dishes that the dishwasher is full AND the sink is filled with dishes)
Clearing off the dining room table so the kids can do their homework
Finishing yet another in the never-ending pile of papers I must write to reactivate my teaching certification
Sorting through the mountain of papers that seem to multiply overnight
Fixing the cover on the loveseat
Vacuuming the living room
Cleaning the bathroom
Making my bed
Sorting the laundry to put another load in
Going through the kids' clothes to pull out the heavy winter stuff and the stuff that is too small (both of which the boys keep trying to wear)
Cleaning up from my Jackson Pollock-inspired driveway painting I did with the two boys I teach three afternoons a week

Hmmm...maybe I should turn off the computer?

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun!

Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Wordless Wednesday

2012-04-18T07:00:00.000-04:00

I know, I know, it has words, but it sooo illustrates how I feel, I just had to share it!

I've linked this to Wordless Wednesday in case there are others who feel the way I do.

Enrichment

2012-04-17T07:00:00.000-04:00

Since I am not teaching full-time (or, as I like to say, I am underemployed right now), I have been ~~desparately~~ looking for other ways to bring in money for ~~food, bills, OMG - do we have enough for the mortgage?~~ extras. Coincidentally a friend was looking for an alternative to the after-school kindergarten program her boys were attending. Yay - I had a new part-time job!

Being a kindergarten teacher has always been my dream job, so I LOVE that I get to work with these two kindergarten-aged boys three times a week. And my new BFF (Pinterest) has made finding fun things to do with the boys (not to be confused with MY boys) much easier.

Here are some of the activities I plan to do this week:

Make Rock Candy!

The way the Rock Candy looked on the windowsill
in the Gluestick blog - hope ours looks that good!

I mean, c'mon, how beautiful is that?!!

*************

Go on a scavenger hunt, inspired by this post at THAT'S SO CUEGLY, who actually listed seventy-five really great things to do with kids.

Now I just have to make my own scavenger hunt paper. Hmmm....should I just keep it generic, or make one specific to this neighborhood? Decisions, decisions.

*************

Fizzy Balloons - I discovered The Kitchen Pantry Scientist's amazing Blog last week, filled with fabulous experiments to do with kids.

The Kitchen Pantry Scientist's kids doing the Fizzy Balloon experiment.

*************

Paint like Jackson Pollock - I also discovered 52 Brand New last week. The title refers to the author's goal to try 52 brand new experiences with her kids this year. VERY inspiring!

The Pollock-inspired painting the kids on 52 Brand New created.

I am picturing two boys covered from head to toe in paint. It's one thing when it's my own kids and I can just send them right upstairs for a shower, but I can't really do that with two kids who aren't mine. Wonder how we could accomplish this without becoming works of arts ourselves. Maybe if I give both boys long smocks (old t-shirts of DH's)?

I promise to write another post describing how each of these activities went - and hopefully my pictures will look as good as the ones I included in this post!

Menus for the week

2012-04-16T06:00:00.000-04:00

Last time I planned out my menus on the blog, I tried to list a whole bunch of different recipes for the various days of the week. Since then, I've discovered Pinterest. Oh, Pinterest, where have you been all my life? By typing in "slow cooker" I have found sooo many amazing recipes and ideas.

And then, as if that wasn't enough, I rediscovered the amazing A Year of Slow Cooking blog. Not only did she use her crockpot every single day for an entire year, she included her family's reaction to each meal AND pictures. Pictures, people, pictures! Gotta love it.

And so, inspired by all that I found online (Yes, every recipe is from the amazing Stephanie O'Dea and her A Year of Slow Cooking blog), here is my slow cooker menu plan for this week:

MONDAY - Honey Garlic Chicken

TUESDAY - Make your own pizza.
Okay, so I listed this idea in my last post, but we actually never got around to trying it. But this week, we're doing it. For real. I mean it.

WEDNESDAY - Sweet Mustard Beef Roast

THURSDAY - Slow Cooker French Toast - Yes, you read that correctly, I'm making it in the slow cooker. Can't wait to try it!

FRIDAY - Shabbat Dinner at my parents. (Don't hate me because I don't have to cook tonight.)

SATURDAY - Mish Mash (I would say leftovers, but I think "Mish Mash" sounds better)

SUNDAY - Dinner at the in-law's (Alright, you can hate me a little.)

For more menu planning ideas, check out Menu Plan Monday at I'm an Organizing Junkie!

Life is Crazy

2012-04-15T15:46:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm not blond, and I actually
have three kids, but this picture
might give you some idea of how I feel.

My life feels like it is always in chaos. No matter what I do, no matter what I clean, I blink and dishes are piled up all around the house, crumbs are scattered on the carpet, and dirty clothes are everywhere.

So I do what I always do: search online until I find a new cure-all to solve my house woes. Only now I have discovered (and have fallen head over heals completely in love with) Pinterest. Which means that I spend a good deal of time finding and pinning pictures of organized rooms or walls or corners that make me swoon.

Pictures like this:

Is this not the most beautifully organized desk you have ever seen? Unfortunately, I cannot find the actual website it came from, so I am unable to properly credit the person who created this vision of loveliness, but please know that my dearest wish (okay, ONE of my dearest wishes) is to snap my fingers and make this picture come to life right here next to where I am typing.

Thank you to Clair at Once Upon a Chocolate Chip Pancake for this amazing Menu Planning Board idea! I am so tired of one (or two or three) kids coming up to me as I'm making dinner to find out what we are having and, upon hearing it, bursting into tears or whines or complaints about how much they don't want that. At least if I create this board and display it prominently somewhere in the house, the kids will have time to prepare themselves for whatever culinary masterpiece I am about to serve them.

I found this idea at A Brooklyn Limestone In Progress and fell in love with it. The best part is I think I actually already have some of these pieces from IKEA.

I have Kevin & Amanda to thank for this incredibly organized kitchen cabinet. Don't get me wrong; that is not a picture of MY kitchen cabinet, only what I hope my kitchen cabinet will look like after I have organized it based on this inspiration.

Sigh.

Of course, none of those inspiring pictures are going to help me shovel out the chaos that has overtaken my house, despite DH's best efforts, while I was sick these last two weeks.

On a side note, did you know that once you have Pneumonia, you are very susceptible to getting it again? Like, any time you get another cold? At all? Yeah, me neither. And while I did not end up in the hospital again, I have been fighting this Bronchitis/Reactive Airway Disease crap since right before Passover began to keep it from settling in my lungs. All of that meant I had to stay in bed and rest for a LONG time since getting up and trying to do the least little thing left me out of breath and struggling for air. Fun times.

My plan for this Sunday, while DH had the kids at my in-laws for most of the day, was to attack the kitchen (Because make no mistake, this is a war and I am most definitely losing.): clean out the fridge, clean off the counters, pack up the unopened Passover foods (not like they're going to go bad any time soon), and generally reorganize and get a better handle on the food in the cabinets. Then I was going to prep the meals for the week in an attempt to bring a small amount of peace to my world of chaos.

However, as I have always found:

In this case that translates to The Princess being sick - just sick enough to not be happy with ANYTHING I say or do but still needing my attention every three to five minutes. Oh, and did I mention how she is always in such a good mood when she's sick, especially when she no longer has a fever and feels a little better and wants to go outside and play with the other kids and I'm just so mean and horrible because I won't let her do it. Don't get me wrong - if she wanted me to cuddle up with her or play with her I would. But no, she doesn't want that, she doesn't want anything, she just wants to complain.

So I'm going to tackle this the FLYlady way: fifteen minutes at a time. Let's see how much I can do in that kitchen in fifteen minutes, and then I'll sit with The Princess and give her my undivided attention for fifteen minutes. Who knows? Maybe she'll even acknowledge my presence without complaining about how much she wants to go outside!

Menu Planning

2012-03-26T07:00:00.000-04:00

In an attempt to once again organize my life, I am putting together a basic menu plan that (in theory) is good for the next month and a half. This time around I am taking no chances; I got input from Twin A, my pickiest eater, to determine meals that he really likes. I decided to simply pick a food category for each day of the week and go from there. Normally I get caught up in making fun titles for each day using alliteration, but I'm too tired, so instead we have chicken on Mondays, make your own pizza on Tuesdays, beef on Wednesdays, vegetarian or breakfast on Thursdays, Shabbat dinner at my parents' or once a month at my synagogue on Fridays, "mish mash" (a.k.a. leftovers) on Saturdays, and Sunday dinners are usually at my in-laws'. I am going to list a bunch of choices for each category and just pick and choose each week. Here's the plan:

Mondays -

Baked Slow Cooker Chicken - So simple, yet it gives us chicken for that night and then lots of leftovers that I can freeze for the next week.
Chicken Pot Pies - I love this recipe. It makes individual pot pies, one for everyone. Of course, for Twin A, I will simply give him the cooked chicken and the vegetables; there's no point in even giving him the pot pie.
Orange Chicken - For those rare times I have chicken breasts (like when DH goes grocery shopping and buys them because I said "buy some chicken" - not thinking I needed to specify "make sure it is less that $2 a pound")
Busy Day Chicken - The recipe says to do this with a whole chicken, which I've never tried, however I can vouch for how well it works with chicken legs and/or thighs.
Chicken and Apples - Love my slow cooker!

Tuesdays -
Make-Your-Own Pizza
In an effort to be healthy and frugal, I plan on making my own crust using this recipe. I am going to put out lots of cut up veggies which will hopefully encourage the kids to add them to their pizzas.

Wednesdays -

Meatloaf
Make-Your-Own Tacos - Cooked ground beef, chopped tomatoes and lettuce, grated cheese, and taco shells, with sauce on the side so Twin A will eat it.
Pot Roast - Again, gotta say it, I love my slow cooker!
Cranberry Roast
Beef Stew - I love stew. Twin A can't stand foods that are all mixed together, so when I make stew, I scoop some up in a big pasta spoon, rinse it off in hot water, and then separate the foods on his plate so he doesn't get too overwhelmed.

Thursdays -

Pancakes
French Toast Sticks - I cut hot dog roll halves into thirds, dip them in the egg mix, and then fry it just like normal. I give the kids a little bowl with some syrup in it for dipping.
Apple-Raisin French Toast Casserole - Twin B's favorite!
Egg sandwiches - DH has introduced the kids to bacon and the boys LOVE it. I grew up keeping Kosher, so I still can't quite get myself to buy real bacon, but I have gotten quite good at cooking them turkey bacon. The boys love these sandwiches with bacon and cheese, and the Princess is thrilled with it as long as it is on a biscuit or english muffin.
Ravioli - no sauce for Twin A, sauce on the side for the Princess, and lots of sauce all over it for Twin B
Grilled cheese

Strength

2012-03-20T12:30:00.003-04:00

I sat down in the aisle seat in the second row, the colored lights from the stained glass window filling the empty sanctuary. I looked up at the Ner Tamid, the Eternal Light, the symbol that God is always present, and blew out a big breath of pent-up air. I folded my hands, resting my arms on the seat in front of me, and leaned my head down. Tears immediately filled my eyes.

It's too much. I can't do this. It's just too much.

My sister had major surgery last week to repair significant uterine and rectal prolapses she had been experiencing for almost six years or so. The prolapses had begun to affect her bladder, causing her to have to pee sometimes as much as five or six times an hour. Kind of tough to do as a teacher. The pain she felt coming out of anasthesia was so much more than anyone had anticipated, and ended up lasting much longer, causing her to have to stay in the hospital much longer than originally planned.

Her pain meant one of us had to stay with her at all times in the beginning. That first night we sent her husband home to spend some time with their kids. On his way back to the hospital, when he was one block away, someone in another car flew through a red light and crashed into his car. Seriously.

Luckily he was not hurt more than a little pain. The car was really damaged. Like they needed one more thing.

Once my sister was discharged, she still needed someone to be with her. My mom and I had planned to split the days between us so neither one of us would have to be away from the rest of our lives too much during this long recovery period - up to eight weeks. But then my mom got sick.

Please grant me strength.

After spending three full days in the hospital with my sister, my mom's face and legs and feet began to swell. By that fourth day the swelling was so bad she could barely move her feet. Her doctor called in some medicine for her, but the words "Congestive Heart Failure" were now being used. I've got to tell you, those are some really scary sounding words. Plus, since we don't want my sister to worry, my mom doesn't want me to say a word. Great.

It's too much for me to deal with. It's too much to keep inside.

Twin A has been having a really rough time at school. And for the first time, his rough time is translating into behavior that is down right beligerant towards his teachers. My boy, the one everyone always talks about how sweet and polite he is - beligerant. He is having a really tough time with his expressive language, his eye contact is almost non-existent. He's even lying a little, telling me he didn't need to complete pages in his spelling workbook when he did, failing the spelling test that week with a 55%, telling his teacher with a smile, "That's better than half!" So funny but sooo not the point. His current medication is clearly not working. So once again, we have to start experimenting on my son to figure out the right dosage of a new medication. Yay.

Twin B is pretty good right now. I'm sure the other shoe will drop sooner or later.

The Princess is once again having an impossible time at bedtime. She simply refuses to fall asleep on her own. After a few tearful bedtime discussions, we decided she needs DH or me to cuddle up with her as she falls asleep at night. In order to do this, I need to once again switch beds between kids' rooms, which means that I have to take apart the bunk bed/loft in her room, move it into the boys' room, take apart the single bed in the boys' room (we ran out of money before being able to buy the second bed), move it into her room, and then put both beds together again.

I need the strength to be present for my kids, not just look at them and try to solve problems and figure out how to make things better. I need to be present in my own life.

The tears were now streaming down my face, but I knew I had to finish my prayers so I could get to my sister's, so I said aloud the words I always say in my heart during the time for silent prayer:

God, please give me the strength to make it through one more week.

I wipe my eyes, take a deep breath, and stand up, ready to face the rest of my day.

At Least It Wasn't Raining

2012-02-25T11:23:00.000-05:00

Thanks to my incredible friend MemeGRL, I was able to complete yet another really, really long paper the other day. You see, she was one of the many people (alright, she was probably the only one) who read my post in which I droned on and on (but in a funny, light-hearted way - really, you should go read it now) about how hard it is to stay focused on completing all the papers I must write in order to make my teaching certificate active again, and then she offered her house as a place for me to go and do work. She works from home some of the time now, so we agreed upon a day that would work for both of us.

It was great. I got to be somewhat social (okay, that always reminds me of The Breakfast Club: "So it's sorta social, demented and sad, but social." Anybody?), catch up a little with a great friend, AND accomplish so much!

I was so tired as I worked (as I so often am), so I knew if I had been home I would have probably laid down to nap and unintentionally wasted the entire day. I got home around 2:40, my eyelids still heavy, so I decided I would allow myself a short nap. I set an alarm clock for 3:10 and put it away from the side of my bed so I would be forced to get out of bed to turn it off. And then I fell asleep.

The next thing I know, I am vaguely aware of the sound of the phone ringing and a pounding on the door. I look at the clock which now somehow reads 3:51. The pounding on the door is the kids who have been trying to get in for the last ten minutes.

I run downstairs, unlock and open the door, and find all three kids sitting in front of the door along with a worried looking boy from the next street over. Twin B is sitting in a chair reading, Twin A is sorting the mail into piles on the ground, and The Princess immediately begins talking excitedly.

"What happened?!! We've been banging on the door for so long! Miss M (our next-door-neighbor) let us call you, but you never answered."

[I later discovered Miss M even went so far as to call DH on his cell phone to let him know what was happening. Luckily just as the call went through, I opened the door.]

"F and her mom (neighbors from across the street) came over and Twin A used her SmartPhone to call you again, but you know Twin A! He became obsessed with the phone and wouldn't give it back."

[It's true. People with Asperger's usually have an intense area of interest, and for Twin A, it's all electronics. We are just hoping he will grow up to become the CEO of some amazing new software company and take care of us in our old age.]

"We were soooo worried. What happened?!!!!"

Of course, all through her dramatic diatribe, the boys are both bringing their stuff in and sharing various non sequiters about whatever flashes through their minds, so it is hard to focus on The Princess anyway, but my head was spinning as I tried to figure out what was going on.

The truth is, I have no idea what happened. Me, the person who never rarely goes into a deep sleep at night, the person who even has medication she is supposed to be taking to force her body to go into more deep sleep - I must have fallen asleep and gone into such a deep, deep sleep I didn't hear anything at all.

I am completely mortified that not only did I sleep through my alarm, I slept through the kids pounding on the door AND more than one neighbor calling me to wake me up. I am mortified that I left my kids out there while I slept.

And I know this was my wake up call to get this whole Narcolepsy thing under control. Which means going to bed consistently at a decent hour. And taking that stupid Xyrem to really sleep and not wake up twenty thousand times a night. And getting up by seven every day. And losing this weight I've been carrying around.

On a related note, did you see what I did up there when I wrote "wake up call"? I figure as long as I can make myself laugh, it's okay.

I win

2012-02-24T09:59:00.001-05:00

An actual, unretouched picture
of how I looked upon
receiving my breakfast in bed

For Valentine's Day, my beautiful daughter surprised me with breakfast in bed. She made my favorite: a glass of orange juice and a big bowl of my current favorite cereal (Kashi Go Lean Crisp, Toasted Berry Crumble) which, for anyone who does not know, is an extremely high fiber cereal. She was so sweet, and it was so thoughtful, I had no choice but to eat every drop.

On a related note, did I mention that just the night before I started a really nasty stomach bug?

It was a really long day.

Why I Am Not a Math Person

2012-02-14T12:01:00.001-05:00

For anyone paying attention to my little ticker up there, you'll probably notice three things:

I changed the background to a more simple pencil and a more accurate marker.
I completed a paper yesterday, so it now says 22 papers done instead of 21 papers done.
And the really bad part detail . . . I miscalculated. I actually have FIFTY-TWO more papers to write, not forty-two.

One paper at a time

2012-02-13T12:56:00.000-05:00

This is what I am doing.

All the time.

Writing papers.

I'm aiming for getting at least one paper written every day. I have to get these stupid courses done so I can get my stupid certificate activated again. I need to start subbing - I need to start bringing some money in again!

It's just so hard to stay focused when I have so many other things screaming out for my attention at the same time.

But for now, since I have not yet finished today's paper, I am going to ignore the three loads of laundry just waiting to get washed upstairs.
I am going to ignore the dishwasher that I ran this morning and is now waiting to get unloaded.
I am going to ignore the refinancing papers I have on the desk listing all the documents I must gather and the three hundred ninety-nine dollar check (because since I need to refinance I'm obviously too stupid to realize how close to four hundred dollars that really is?) I must write.
I must ignore the fact that I do not HAVE three hundred ninety-nine dollars.
I must ignore the remaining paper Captain America shields Twin B is never going to be able to finish coloring in time to use as Valentine's, and the remaining Hershey Kiss Pipe Cleaner Rings Twin B is never going to finish.
I am going to ignore the research I need to do to determine just how much ESY Twin A should receive and what I should do if the district once again says he only needs forty-five minutes, four days a week, for four weeks.

Yes, I'm putting my blinders on in order to complete one more stupid assessment about effective and engaging standards-based instruction, a topic that, while theoretically important, is incredibly frustrating in this day and age of high-stakes testing that ultimately leaves so little time for teachers to ensure that all the standards for any given subject are met, minus the ones that are actually assessed on the PSSA. The paper I finished yesterday involved creating a lesson plan and then illustrating what "anchors" and "eligible content" are addressed within that lesson plan. "Anchors" are the specific standards that are evaluated on the PSSA. Yes, it's true, the course I'm taking now it showing me how to gear all my instruction to making sure my students do well on the PSSA.

I'm so proud of the work I'm doing.

Sigh.

Continuing Education Hours

2012-02-08T13:09:00.001-05:00

After completing my final assessment in one of the many online courses I must complete in order to reactivate my teaching certification, I gave myself permission to create this:

I hope you enjoy it!

Sleep

2012-02-07T12:35:00.000-05:00

Sleep has always been my drug of choice.

It's my way to escape the world, and since I have Narcolepsy, I can fall asleep within minutes, not even giving myself time to think about the pros and cons of taking a nap.

However, when you throw depression and this feeling of being overwhelmed into the mix, shutting my eyes for a quick "nap" results in sleeping for about six hours.

Not good.

Today was an improvement. I laid down to read a book after I got the kids out the door for the bus. When my eyes became heavy, I set the alarm to wake me in thirty minutes. Unfortunately, with the Narcolepsy, I can hit snooze and be fast asleep within seconds. And then I can continue that for the next three hours. Yay.

Yesterday I restarted my day (woke up from my "nap") at three o'clock in the afternoon, about forty minutes before the kids get home. Today I restarted it at eleven thirty, a big improvement from the day before, but still not great.

Tomorrow I have a meeting at the kids' school at nine and I promised to help in the school's library before then. I will not be able to go back to sleep after the kids leave to get the bus. I plan to pack up my computer and notepad so that when I finish at the school, I can go to Starbucks and work on my never-ending Act 48 credits. In theory that will stop me from taking a nap and wasting the entire day.

In theory.

Mom

2012-02-02T11:57:00.000-05:00

My mom is the best person I know.

She's the kind of person you end up spilling out your life story to. Even if she is just your customer in the checkout lane (true story). She is the quintessential mom, the one all our friends always called mom, the one who is always there whenever anyone needs her.

I wrote recently about the fact that I have very little memory from my childhood. Therefore I rely on my parents and my sister to fill in the blanks. Most of my early memories are not actually memories of the event but instead memories based on repeated tellings of the story. One of my favorites is from a time when I was almost three. Cher was on the cover of Time magazine. All I saw when I looked at the cover was my beautiful, olive skinned, long black haired mom, and I asked her, "Mommy, why is a picture of you on this magazine?" There truly was a remarkable resemblance way back then, but the main reason my mom loves that story so much is the fact that she was seven hundred months (give or take) pregnant with my sister at the time.

My mom still has what used to be her signature long black hair. Of course, now she must dye it to cover what would be a full head of white hair, and she wears it in a loose bun instead of flowing down her back. And she no longer is the size that Cher was on that magazine cover. My mom has a history of severe back problems due to Degenerative Disk Disease which have caused multiple herniated disks. She also has weak connective tissue, which basically means that her insides keep slipping, causing hernias and prolapses of all shapes and sizes. I honestly could not tell you how many surgeries she has endured over the years, all with their promises to fix whatever was wrong, all with their long recuperation periods. We often joke that the surgeons should just put in a zipper to make it easier the next time around. Ultimately nothing has ever truly stayed fixed.

What all that means is that my mom endures constant pain all day, every day. She takes prescribed anti-inflammatories and pain medication, and often even that is not enough. The debilitating back pain is one of the main contributors to the fact that she is now obese, and the fact that she is obese is now one of the main contributors to the back and leg pain. It's a terrible Catch-22, and it is one of the main reasons I am so dedicated to losing the weight I have to lose.

My mom now walks with a cane and doesn't leave the house too much. I wish I could change that. We both joined a local gym that has an indoor pool, and she loved walking laps and wanted me to push her to go, but now when I call she tells me that she is in too much pain, or she has a bad cold. I wish I knew how to help.

My mom is an amazing person. I could write for days about her, but my timer has beeped, signaling the end of my writing time. After venting how overwhelmed I am feeling with life in general, I decided to rely on my FLYlady teachings and use my timer today to keep me from getting so wrapped up in one task I end up ignoring the rest. And since I have already given myself "just five more minutes" three times now, I really should move on to the next part of my list. So I guess I'll end this the way I began, by simply stating the most important thing I could tell you about her:

My mom is the best person I know.

This was one of the writing prompts from NaBloPoMo. I promised myself that I would write a post every day for the entire month. I tried it before and only made it one day. Let's see if I can do better this time!

Life is Hard

2012-02-01T09:14:00.001-05:00

Narcolepsy sucks.

Depression sucks

The two together? Really, really, really suck.

This is actually the post I was going to write yesterday, but I never actually got around to it, mainly due to the two things stated above.

Hmm....wonder what kind of weird searches will bring people to this post now that I have written that "s" word three times.

To anyone who arrived at this post because of some strange phrase you typed into google:

Feel free to look around, but know this is NOT that kind of blog.

Prioritizing

2012-01-27T13:03:00.000-05:00

Ever make a Wordle before? It's a great website where you can just type in a bunch of words (or cut and paste text from another source) and it creates these word art pictures. I've used it while teaching before but never for myself, but today just felt like a good day to start. I'm overwhelmed with all that I need to do and having an incredibly difficult time prioritizing.

If I lived in a vacuum (or was able to locate life's remote control so I could just hit <PAUSE> for a little bit) I would devote all my time to finishing the @#$% coursework I need to finish in order to reactivate my teaching certificate. If you don't know what I'm talking about, take a moment and read all about it. Right now. No, I'm serious. I'll wait.

All done?

Good!

Okay, so now you know I still need to complete eighty continuing education hours in order to be able to teach and/or substitute in a public school once again. And in case you're curious, this is directly from the PA Department of Education Website:

What must educators do to remain in compliance with Act 48?

Educators must maintain their certificates as active

by earning six collegiate credits

or six PDE-approved in-service credits

or 180 continuing education hours

or any combination of the above every five calendar years.

NOTE: Each collegiate credit is equal to 30 continuing education hours.

I guess the good news is that I have already completed one hundred CEUs (Continuing Education Units or Hours) and am one third of the way through a course worth thirty CEUs. Plus the courses I have found are free, on-line, and self-paced, so I can squeeze them in whenever I can. The bad news is everything is so friggin' time consuming!

Which brings me back to the title of this post. If I did live in a vacuum and could just hunker down and finish the remaining eighty CEUs in order to reactivate my teaching certification, I would be able to substitute a couple times a week, bringing in an extra six hundred plus a month, give or take, which would make an enormous difference in our lives right now.

HOWEVER . . . I don't live in a vacuum, and even though I know completing the coursework to reactivate my certification would solve so many of our problems, I have to continue dealing with every other aspect of our lives at the same time. And there is a lot of other "stuff" to have to deal with.

And so it comes down to prioritizing, a task that apparently I suck at.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the basic concept. I need to list everything I have to do and then determine what is the most important, then the second most important, and so on, and tackle the most important things on the list first, gradually moving down the list. And in theory, that works and sounds pretty simple.

But in reality life has all kinds of lists, and there are high priority items on all of them. So how do you determine which items need to be dealt with now and which ones can be put off until later? Or should I really just be looking into figuring out a way to combine all my lists together and somehow prioritize all the different tasks on that master list?

Just so I'm clear, here are my various life To Do lists:

Reactivate my teaching certificate
Maintain "order" in the house by cleaning on a regular basis and decluttering/organizing the crap that seems to overflow from every room in our house
Figure out to feed everyone relatively healthy that everyone will eat and still stick to our extremely tight budget
Get out of debt while still paying all our other bills on time AND buying groceries so everyone can eat at least three times a day
Lose forty pounds
Make sure each of the three kids' academic and social-emotional needs are being met both at home and at school, both during the school year AND during the summer
Teach at my part-time position

I could literally spend all day simply working on one or two tasks on ANY of these lists. And notice I did not include anything about developing and/or maintaining any personal relationships, even though this is an area of my life that is severely lacking.

The problem is clearly that each of those seven To Do lists is vitally important and none of them can be ignored. And when I spend time focusing on any one of them, I neglect the rest, resulting in total disaster. I am sure there is a way to maintain balance and figure out a way to accomplish it all, but I simply do not see it. So what do I do?

My favorite way to escape my life

Clearly I have too much on my plate. If a friend was telling me all this, I would tell them they were trying to do too much and to give themselves a break. And while I understand that, it doesn't really seem an option.

I mean, let's say I focus primarily on reactivating my certification. As things stand right now, we are just squeaking by living paycheck to paycheck. Our credit cards are pretty much maxed out, both of our credit scores totally suck, our debt is monumental, and we have gone through any emergency savings we ever amassed. I need to continually seek out ways to save money, get financial assistance, and/or bring in more money. And I cannot do that if I am only working on completing my online courses!

And let's say I focus on figuring out ways to make sure we CAN pay all our bills each month with a little extra towards paying down our debt? Then I don't have enough time to keep up with all the work that has to be done around the house and things get out-of-control pretty quickly.

So let's say I focus on maintaining the house AND making sure we still have enough money to keep the lights on? Then making sure all three kids' needs are being met at school and at home goes out the window. We are still struggling to find the right medication to treat Twin A's ADHD to help him focus in class and not do things like, I don't know, getting up in the middle of direct instruction to initiate a conversation with another student. And he still is having many, many, many meltdowns both at school and at home about any little thing - it is pretty hard to anticipate what will set him off. And I also have two other kids who have their own struggles and problems!

To say I'm overwhelmed is an understatement.

To say I need a friggin' break doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.

And what do I end up doing for a good portion of the day today?

Do I clean?

Cook?

Figure out a grocery list that will take advantage of the store sales and my coupons?

Work on my courses?

Work on my budget once again?

Spend another day doing research into various options for the kids to do this summer?

NO.

I choose to blog about it all instead.

Sigh.

Memoir Monday

2012-01-16T21:42:00.001-05:00

To the utter chagrin of my mother, I have very little memory of most of my childhood.
I have some pictures in my head, short moments in time, but if you were to ask me, "Do you remember . . ." my answer will almost always be "No."

After a year or two of therapy I have come to realize the reason for this stems from the constant state of stress and fear I felt due to my older brother. Apparently when your body is in constant "fight or flight" mode, your brain is not really able to record memories of what is happening. It's kind of like you are so busy just surviving that recording a memory of the moment would require too much extra energy. I actually have a diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, even though I did not suffer some kind of horrible abuse or fight in a war. The tension that filled our house on a constant basis in combination with the random physical attacks directed at me from my brother was enough to traumatize me, causing me not to remember much.

And so I have decided that every Monday will now be dubbed "Memoir Monday." Once a week I will look back into my childhood and attempt to describe pieces of it. Feel free to join along! If you want to try it, make sure to leave a comment so I can check out what you wrote. I even created this nifty button for you to include if you want.

Today I will go back as far as I am able to remember and describe my first memory. It isn't very pretty, but then what in life really is?

Snapshot: Green trees and grass, sun filtering down,

filled with joy and pride as I lead everyone back home.

Snapshot: Sobbing, laying across my mom's lap in the little yellow powder room

off of the kitchen, her hands on my head.

Snapshot: Sitting on the counter (checking out?) at the hospital, sucking on a lollipop.

In case you were curious,
this is what a railroad spike
looks like. Pretty scary
looking, right?

And there you have it - my earliest memory. I was two or three and my dad needed to borrow a railroad spike from our next door neighbor. Don't ask me why he needed one or why my neighbor happened to have one because I could not explain it. Just like I cannot explain why my dad allowed my five or six year old hyperactive brother to carry said railroad spike back from our neighbor's.

I remember that I was in front, followed by my brother and then my dad. Apparently, my brother threw the railroad spike at me and it struck me in the head. I have no memory of the spike actually hitting me, though I know it did based on what my parents have since told me. My mom says it "only" cut my head instead of penetrating deeper, but even just that cut bled like crazy. When I came running home, screaming and crying, all she saw was blood all over my head and shirt. She had no idea what had happened so my memory of her hands on my head was when she was searching my scalp to find out the source of the bleeding.

Based on what I've been told, my parents must have taken me to the hospital to get checked out. The bleeding stopped while at the hospital so I did not need stitches. I do not remember the drive to the hospital or the examination, but I do have that vague memory of sitting on the counter with the lollipop.

I have no idea what happened after that. I would like to believe that my brother was punished and then forced to somehow make it up to me, but I can't remember him ever making anything up to me. That is not to say that he never did, but I find it hard to believe it ever happened.