A Moms Parenting and Marriage Blog

Attack Life like An Athlete

2011-06-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

My child is an athlete. She's very good at it. I asked her if it bothers her when the crowd jeers her to distract her. She answered" No, thats part of it mom!" Of course I know that... but its her attitude that I admire. She expects the jeers as a natural part of the game but can still focus on her target. Children are in certain ways wiser than adults... In childlike abandonment, they just go ahead and meet life head on.

It reminds me of what my counsellor once said to me : "Tell yourself this situation is temporary. Every now and then life is extra stressful but there are moments of relief. Attack the stressful moments like an athlete - be a good sport and accept the challenge. Thats just how life is."

Something for me to remember again ...

What Makes a Cheater Tick?

2011-06-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

I can't help it. I just have to comment on Anthony Weiner and Arnold Schwarzenegger. In a way, they are different and the same. But what makes a cheater tick?

Both have pretty and successful wives.
Both are politicians and therefore high profile.
Both are married and are cheaters.
Both were publicly humiliated.

Weiner is (seems) skinny. Schwarzenegger is muscular.
Weiner has no kids (yet). Schwarznegger has 4.
Weiner cheated secretly. Schwarznegger is known to be a womanizer.
Weiner was involved in internet "affairs". Schwarznegger was involved in a "convenient affair."
Weiner denied when confronted. Schwarzenegger admitted it on his own after years of deception.
Weiner has been married for about a year. Schwarzenegger has been married for 25 years.

I wonder what their childhood was like...

So, what make cheaters tick? I still don't see any trend. I guess no one can really predict the makings of a cheater. It just amazes me how bold these two are when they are both in the limelight. It also doesn't matter to them that they have beautiful and successful wives. Is it because their wives are "classier/better looking/smatter" than them? or is it because they need to have a "secret/private " personality to balance their public lives? What made them decide to forget the vows they made when they got married? Didn't they stop to think about the consequences of their actions? How about the shame their kids, wife, relatives and friends would feel? Didn't they consider being caught?

We will never know for sure what exactly motivates these cheaters to cheat. It can be a million reasons. But what I know for sure is that cheaters are all liars. They have a history of lying to cover up their cheating. When they are caught, they will refuse to admit their infidelity at first and there is also the possibility they will never admit forever. I believe Weiner and Schwarzenegger only admitted due to media pressure. Same with Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods. What gives them the power or right to make fools of their wives?

So many unanswered questions ... but the question I really want answered is this : Can a cheater who is a liar be trusted ever again?

Throw, Keep or Give away?

2011-06-16T19:07:00.000-07:00

Still waiting for us to move. Still no definite plans. My life is on hold in the sense of I don't know which direction our family is going. Are we moving or not?

In the meantime, I sort things out everyday just to be prepared. Throw, keep, or give away? Baby things, furniture, clothes, my books!, shoes, bags, kitchen stuff, toys, tons of letters/ cards/ certificates/ memorabilia, etc etc etc. Been trying to organize and simplify the material things in my life. I realized I really have a problem with letting go. I should have started this a long time ago to give me more time to deal with this separation anxiety. Yesterday I was thinking about why it is so difficult for me to do this.
I decided to think about what the items symbolize for me. Like the art works my kids gave me symbolize their love for me. How can I throw these away?!? Arrgh!!!! Anyway, I plan to keep doing this for the next couple of days ( maybe weeks) so I can analyze what makes me cling to the "clutter" and maybe try to console myself with the thought that their love will always be in theirs and my heart. No need to prove this over and over with material things. As for the other things, it will cost a bit more but since I can't bring everything, I guess I can always buy new things!

Speaking of throw, keep or give away... my problem does not only apply to material things. I think I tend to hoard memories too. This shouldn't normally be a problem but I guess I also need to clean out the anger and bad memories that continue to affect my daily life/ mood/ outlook. My new realization : Keep and treasure the good memories, throw the bad/ hurtful/ painful memories and instead give away or share the lessons I have learned. Take note that again this is just my realization and doesn't mean smooth sailing from now on. I think i have made a lot of progress but there is still a lot of work in progress too. It is not easy for me to forget the memories of infidelity. I just wonder if I am attached to them like I am attached to the material things. I say attached because I also can't seem to let go of them. I continue to allow them to control my thoughts and feelings. No wonder I can't move on to improve our relationship.

So the lesson for today (that I should remember) is Throw the bad, Keep the good and Give Away what you can share. This applies to both my material things and my memories. Then I think if I can do this, I can peacefully and courageously move on to the next phase of my life... with brand new things and build better memories!

Moving House

2011-05-18T23:21:00.000-07:00

My family will be relocating soon to a totally different place abroad. Been researching about the possible cities to transfer to. Schools, crime rates, economy, house prices etc. I am not taking this very well... in fact, i am taking it very badly.

What bothers me:

1. Having to part with things

2. Being away from long time friends and family

3. Having to start over in a new job

4. Having to look for a job

5. Worrying about how my kids will adjust

6. No knowing what to expect in the new place

7. Loosing my support group

8. etc etc etc

What to look forward to:

1. New life

2. Family being together again

3. Peace of mind ( maybe)

4. Better living conditions ( maybe)

5. Better education

Moving house is not just physically moving. Its letting go of many memories and most specially your comfort zone. At the moment, I can't accept it. I don't know if I can do it.

No Mercy for Bullies !

2011-02-10T21:01:00.000-08:00

A child I know opened up to me about being bullied. She did not want her parents to know because she didn't want to get in trouble in school. This is what I told her :

1. I thanked her for opening up to me because that means she trusts me.
2. I told her to try not to let the bullies get her down emotionally.
3. I told her that what is important is that she believes in herself and that the opinion of the bully does not matter. She may just be jealous of her.
4. I told her not to pick a fight or retaliate with the bully and just walk away. ignore and avoid this person. I consider this the best revenge.
5. Against her wishes, I had to relay the information to her counsellor so it may be properly relayed to the parents. Of course with them promising not to divulge the source of the information. It is important that the parents are aware of what is happening to their children. I would personally want to know if my child is being bullied. It is also important for the school to do something about the situation.
6. I explained to her that bullying must be stopped and it is not important what the bully thinks because in the first place the bully does not even consider her feelings when she bullies her.

What did she do? She has finally confronted her bully and asked her to stop. (I truly hope this works but I doubt it given the nature of bullies. ) I hope she follows my advise. that my advise to her works and that I said the right things. Bullying is something I feel so strongly about. I doesn't matter if it is my child or not. No one deserves to be bullied by a COWARD with emotional baggage.

With regards to marriage, I consider the other woman/ man/third party or whatever you want to call them to be a bullies too. Pathetic people who don't have a conscience and infect other happy couples with their emotional baggage. They can't take it that there are good marriages and that they can't seem to find this for themselves. Thus, they prey upon innocent victims with happy lives just to prove they can lure someone to pay attention to them. They are cowards because they do this on the sly since they know they still risk being rejected and cannot admit to the world that what they are doing is WRONG. I can go on and on about what I think of these pathetic people but why waste my time?

What did I do to my bully? I sent her a very long message about how pathetic she is ... I said everything I wanted to say including a threat for her to leave us alone. Like I said earlier, who knows if that will work given the nature of bullies but so far so good and its been years. I'm sure she has found another victim by now. When I see her I ignore her.

In the end, what goes around comes around and I trust one day she will get what she deserves.

I CAN'T STAND BULLIES!

Fruits of Patience,Forgiveness and Humility

2011-02-10T19:56:00.000-08:00

Today is a good day. The Husband surprisingly opened up re a sensitive topic... on his own! I hope this is the start of good communication between us. I consider this a positive step in the recovery of our relationship and fruits of my forgiveness and patience. Thank you Lord for this blessing today. I feel that I can survive our current challenges better as long as we work together and have each others love to pull us thru.

It seems there is always hope to survive broken relationships. However difficult it may be as long as there is forgiveness, patience and humility left, there is hope. I think it took a lot of humility on his part to open up and talk with me. It also took a lot of humility on my part to forgive him and open up again to the possibility of reconciliation.

I am open to whatever will unfold in the next dew days, weeks, months to come. We still have a long way to go... but baby steps will get us there.

Smile everyone ... and to those undergoing relationship problems, lets HANG IN THERE!

Forgiveness and Bitterness

2011-02-07T20:04:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are undergoing difficulty with forgiveness, my advise : I choose peace and contentment rather than bitterness...

Another interesting article on forgiveness here . Quote:

3 Steps to Freedom from Bitterness

1. You take the first step by going to God and asking him to be in charge of your justice. You've been hurt and you want justice, but that's his job, not yours. He is the One who makes things right. When you return that responsibility to him, you'll feel a heavy load come off your back.

2. You take the second step by thanking God for all the good things you have. By concentrating on the positive instead of the negative, you'll gradually find joy returning to your life. When you understand that bitterness is a choice, you'll learn to reject it and choose peace and contentment instead.

3. You take the last step by enjoying and loving other people again. There's nothing more attractive than a joy-filled, loving person. When you make that the emphasis of your life, who knows what good things might happen?

Hope this helps...

Forgiveness is A Process

2011-02-07T19:55:00.000-08:00

I'm alive and back in love. So we finally made up and no regrets so far. I must admit I do still love him.
I am happy that things are back to "normal" although I do still have some apprehensions and fears that I can't shake off. I guess forgiveness is a process and it will take time before things are back to perfect. No sorry correction, things cannot be back to perfect no matter how much I wish it could be. But we are going to try... He has been extra loving to me these days. I secretly hope its for real.

My realizations:

1. When you have children and have problems with your spouse, oftentimes we must put aside our own feelings and put the good of the kids before our own. I love my kids too much to allow them the pain of a broken family.

2. In spite of the present situation I can't deny that our past bonding still more than makes up for any current shortcomings. Its so difficult to forget the moments of love and happiness you have shared together. I realized that I cannot throw it all away after all, I made a promise to love thru better or worse.

3. If both of us let pride prevail, nothing will happen and no one will give in.

4. It is still possible to make future memories if I can forgive and look beyond his imperfections. In short, give him another chance.

5. Current family concerns need to be addressed by both parents. Who else will solve the family problems but the parents ? Preferably both parents together. What started our conversation is the need to address some family concerns. This evolved into talking about us.

6. I still love him in spite of everything we have been thru. Am still capable of forgiving him again. I just pray he won't abuse my love again.

What I know:

1. This may still be a difficult journey for us and I am going to try my best not to make it more difficult.
2. I will try not to dwell on the past.
3. I will concentrate on the present and be grateful for whatever blessings come our way each day.
4. I will try to look forward to the future with a hopeful heart.
5. I will try to remember that I have choices whether to leave or stay and have decided to stay.
6. I need strength and prayers to keep up my spirit of love and commitment to my family. He also needs prayers to continue to love, provide for and remain faithful to our family.

Did I make the right decision? Time will tell... because forgiveness is a process for both of us.

I Miss Him

2011-01-26T23:14:00.000-08:00

Never thought I would say this now but ... am bored without him. I miss him. Call me a doormat whatever. Am about to give up the fight and kiss and make up.

I just read an article about forgiveness. Forgiveness...What's it For? It says :

We often think of forgiveness as something that someone who has done us wrong must ask of US. There is always another way of looking at something. My thoughts on forgiveness suggest that you focus on offering forgiveness TO the person who has wronged you. To not forgive them is like taking the poison (continuing to suffer for what they did or didn't do to you) and expecting THEM to die!

The article makes it sound so easy:

Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Simply identify the situation to be forgiven and ask yourself: "Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?" If the answer is "No," then that's it! All is forgiven.

And this sums up what I am feeling right now:

To forgive means to "give up", to let go. It also means to restore oneself to basic goodness and health. When we forgive, we are willing to give up resentment, revenge and obsession. We are willing to restore faith not only in ourselves, but in life itself. The inability or unwillingness to do this, causes harm in the one who is holding onto the anger.

So should I or should I not? because I miss him already.

The Guilty Parent

2011-01-25T21:54:00.000-08:00

I watched all your school activities. I attended all the Parent Teacher Conferences. I was always active in the parent council. I helped you with all your homework and projects. I love you so much. I'm sorry if I cannot attend your big day at school this weekend. Mom has to go to her own school and I have exams.

As part of finding my independence, second childhood, whatever you want to call it, I had decided to enroll back in school ( aside from going back to work part time). I love it ! I look forward to this one whole day every week. I have classmates who I have lunch break with, take down notes, listen to the teacher, I learn, carry a school bag... the works. Brings back my childhood and makes me feel young again specially since the classmates are mostly half my age. I enrolled in a course I always wanted to take before. Not that I regret what I took. I just couldn't take them both. Comparing myself then and now, I'm more serious about studying since I always try to apply what I learn to real life. In short, I can now relate. Makes me want to suggest that students nowadays need 1 year work experience before they go off to college so they can better decide what they prefer to take. Isn't that more practical?

Downside of going back to school when you have kids is that they get curious about my grades and always ask my scores. As if wanting to verify if mom really is smarter than they are! The pressure of getting perfect is on all the time at least in my case. The other big downside is the conflict with the kids schedules. Like I've missed several of their school activities and to think I love attending their activities. Guilt overwhelms me whenever I cannot be there to see the big smile on their faces as they perform.
But hey, I've been in school for 2 years now and they survived. It is almost over in 3 weeks and I'm proud to say I also survived. I will soon have another feather in my cap and hopefully make a new career out of it. I recommend this to all moms out there who need to feel better about themselves. You can always start again after being a housewife and mom for many years. You are not abandoning your kids by finding and improving yourself again. Before you know it, the days of the guilty parent are over and out comes a new and more productive you! Consider it an educational makeover...

Studying Tips of a Working Mom

2011-01-25T00:09:00.000-08:00

Being a working mom is difficult. Thank God I just work part time. I used to be a full time mom so it was easier then. However, my hours now are such that I'm still out when they get home from school and their extra curricular activities. They sometimes need help with their homework and The Husband ( although he's a hands on Dad ) doesn't enjoy this. I do.

I love tutoring my kids. I've been doing it for years from the now college child to the youngest in pre school. I think I have developed much patience and understanding thru the years. Also I think it is so important to develop their study habits when they are young. Of course at a certain age you let them do it on their own but still allow them to come to you with questions or even help doing research while they do other school stuff.

Exam week and the weekend before is always the most hectic for us. I cancel all my appointments during this week. The kids have my full undivided attention and in a way its our bonding time. I used to make them reviewers as in exam like papers and check their answers. Then I mark those that we need to review again. I even had an group with other co parents who would share their reviewers with us. Now, we do mostly verbal reviews since I don't have the time to make the reviewers for all of them at the same time. The kids have also developed study tricks like reading thru a paragraph then trying to remember what they just read. They even know how to ask themselves questions their teacher might ask. They cover their previous test papers and try to answer them all over again. Sometimes they even make their own reviewers! Thank God they are cooperative and attentive without my having to threaten or force them to study. It helps that the smaller ones see the older ones studying hard and they want to follow their footsteps.

The good thing about having many kids is that the older ones help out with the younger ones too. They help me do the reviews and also help me when I don't know the answers. I humbly admit to them when I don't know the answers ! It makes the older ones feel good to literally know more than me. It also makes me feel good that they know how to share their time and knowledge with the younger ones. I give them frequent breaks between studying and they eat a snack or go out the house a few minutes to play with their friends.

Tutoring kids when they are young pays off because when they get older, they learn how to study on their own. Just try to make studying time fun for your kids. A little effort on our part goes a long way and when the exam results are out Mom hopefully gets a good grade too! I'm happy I started when they were young. Now I can work again since they have already developed their independence.

Listen to Me

2011-01-24T21:44:00.000-08:00

Does your spouse listen to you or does he just hear you?

Hearing is when the sounds go in one ear and out the other. Listening is when you internalize what is being heard. Many times I feel he just hears but not listens. He doesn't listen to what I say or what my heart says. I don't know if he ever did or maybe am just being bitter again and negative now. How I wish he would listen and show me that he cares.

What am I trying to say? That I love him. I stayed thru his infidelity when other wives would leave. Against all advise of my family . Does he care? Maybe yes maybe no. I don't know. Isn't it pathetic that I can't tell and yet I stay? I stay because I still hope for change. So far there have been changes. No signs of another affair so far. But the unbearable part is no signs of love for me too. The romance is gone. How do you get that back? Why does he stay on? Is he still having the best of both worlds? My friends think I'm lucky he is hands on with the kids, picks me up and takes me where I need to go. But is that all that makes up a marriage?

Dear Husband,

Do you still love me? Why don't you show me? How can you stand our silence for more than a week? What are your plans? You come and go and I don't know what you do. I don't know where you go. Are you back with that b___? If you are, can we just separate now? I'd like to get used to life without you. It breaks my heart but I need to keep my sanity. Don't you even think of our kids and what kind of life they will have if we separate? Do I still love you? Yes but why I don't know. Maybe I am stupid. Maybe I can't survive on my own. I don't want to remember all the things I loved about you because it hurts. Please just end my agony and tell me where do we go from here. It's driving me insane.

Your Wife

Tiger Wife and Tiger Husband

2011-01-22T20:45:00.000-08:00

Been reading a lot about the controversial Tiger Mom Amy Chua and her article Why Chinese Mothers are Superior. It amuses me to also have read the article by AnnMaria De Mars Why American Mothers are Superior. It is an example of the more common reactions to this latest controversy.

In our family, we broke all the golden rules of the Tiger Mom. We have playdates, allow sleepovers, my daughter starred in a school play, they are not top of the class nor straight A students but have 85-90+ averages, allowed to choose extra curricular activities and have sports training EVERYDAY after school. Like the American mom ( as per Ann Mari De Mars article), I aim to teach my children to learn well, live well and love well. But I admit they need to be guided sometimes by an iron fist. I believe in discipline but not in a military fashion. More of like making them understand the benefits of the virtue and holding their hand while helping them try their best. Like Amy Chua, I believe in pushing them to their limits but definitely not in the extreme that she does. In short, for me a combination of both is working well with my kids. So far so good.

According to Amy Chuas daughter Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld in her article Why I Love My Strict Tiger Mom, the approach of the Tiger mom worked well with her and she loves and thanks her mom for all her efforts. Am happy for her if she feels that way.

What about being a Tiger wife with a Tiger Husband (Tiger woods-like husband)? Would that work? Okay so hes a far cry from Tiger Woods ( I hope!) but nevertheless Im sure my pain is the same pain Elin Woods must have felt. She chose to leave him... If I were to be a Tiger wife and stay and try and try and try my best to make it work, would that work out too?

If I were to be a Tiger wife, as in ala Tiger Mom I'd demand/ expect him to get "a perfect grade." Be the perfect husband to me thru practice practice practice! Nope...won't work if he doesn't feel it from his heart. I believe if he really loved me it would come naturally. This is what disappoints me so much. As the days go on, and no effort is made on his part to make things right it becomes more and more obvious that we have drifted apart. Nope, cant be a Tiger wife here. But wait... maybe if I practice with him or help him to practice maybe it will work?

If I were to be a Tiger wife, I'd expect him to owe me after everything I've done for him and the kids. Okay, I admit when I am in my self pity mood I am guilty of this. According to Chua, western parents think kids don't owe them anything because they didn't choose to be born. She thinks its a terrible deal for parents. Well, The Tiger Husband chose me to marry (and I chose to marry him too) so doesn't that mean he owes me and I owe him? To love each other thru better or worst, till death do us part? Yes I am a Tiger wife on this point but then again promises are made to be broken they say. But I don't want to break that promise, am still not sure if he does though. Sigh!

If I were to be a Tiger wife, I would believe I know what is best for the Tiger Husband and override his preferences. Actually this is what was our last fight was all about. A difference of opinion related to a major decision of relocating. Not that I was forcing him to follow what I think is best. I made it clear I respect his views but I also have a choice if I would go along with the move or not given our major difference of opinion. Why force him not to follow his heart? Nope can't be a Tiger wife on this point. But then again maybe instead of just making my stand (and secretly waiting to see if he will give in to me) we could discuss the pros and cons again of each of our points of view. Now if only we can improve our communication skills...

Like Sophia would my Tiger Husband love and thank me if I were to be a Tiger Wife? Something to reflect on again... I think pride on both sides is taking over the love factor.

Update on My Makeover

2011-01-21T09:10:00.000-08:00

Yes I did have a makeover yesterday AND today. I spent 2 days in a row at the beauty parlor. Now I feel better on the outside. The inside is another story. Should i do a makeover inside too? Is it me or is it him that needs one... a cheating spouse can be so manipulative and convincing. He can make you feel like everything is your fault (even if he had a choice in the first place whether to cheat or not). Its easy for him to finger point when he should instead look at himself in the mirror.

Okay, maybe I should reflect on whether I do need a makeover on the inside. But any changes I make will be for my own satisfaction and not his. I need to love and feel good about myself before I can give that love. I need to stop being dependent on his approval. I need to be strong for my kids so that they learn not to allow anyone to push them around. I need to find myself again and quit being a doormat.

Yes I do need a makeover on the inside so I can quit my self pity and depression.

note: ( Jan 23, 2011)
yes I know I said we were broke. But I still value my sanity and self respect...thus the makeover. A little more self confidence will go a long way in helping me stand up and move on to do better things again.

Counting My Blessings

2011-01-20T20:26:00.000-08:00

I just feel so down right now. Let me count my blessings, hope that gets my spirit up.

1. I have wonderful kids. They are what I live for. They help me bear all the trauma I've been through. I love them so much and hope that they will love me forever too. Maybe one day they will understand why I have been the way I am lately. I hope I can hang on for their sake. I always want them to be happy. I wish them a great life ahead and hope they never experience the sadness I am in now. If they do, I hope they can get up, be strong and survive it. I hope I can be an good example and survive my own trials.

2. I have a job. It may not pay much but it keeps me sane. Something to look forward to almost everyday. Its something I have always wanted to do. It empowers and challenges me. It gets my mind off my depression even for awhile.

3. I have a house and food to eat. So far so good.

4. I have lifelong friends. They keep me sane too. I don't know what I would do without them.

5. I have this blog. It feels so good to be able to let it out.

6. I believe in God the Father Almighty. He watches over me and has saved me from myself numerous times. I am forever grateful and hopeful that He knows me and has planned all this with my greater good in mind which one day I will understand. He has helped me practice the virtues of patience, perseverance and humility. He teaches me the way to peace thru His Word and its just my negative self that keeps me from finding the right path.

7. I still have a husband. In fairness to him he is hands on with the kids and loves them to death. But thats being a good dad which is expected of him in the first place. I said I still have a husband because we are after all still married. Yes it is still a blessing because he works to keep the family alive ... physically that is. Emotionally, at the moment he gives me nothing. Maybe he doesn't feel the love anymore. I can't tell anymore.

....Now am feeling down again. Away with the negative thoughts !!!!!!! I am trying to count my blessings!!!!

What to Do When You are Broke?

2011-01-19T23:05:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to do about being broke. Does anyone know the magic answer?

We live within our means but money is never enough. We've cut down on sooo many (if not all) unnecessary expenses. Sold some of our assets. Hardly eat at restaurants anymore. I have a job but it doesn't pay much. The Husband works but the business doesn't seem to generate enough. So what now?

I 'm trying to stay positive inspite of the additional marital problems we are having. It feels like I'm drowning in a deep pool and suddenly forgot how to swim. And I am a good swimmer in the pool of life. I'm known to be forever organized, cool and collected. Suddenly am like a dead weight drowning in water.

Today the time has come to face reality. We are definitely broke. Suddenly the dead weight is chained to stones that sink deeper into the depths of the pool floor. What now?

All i can think of now is to pray that I don't lose hope and that these things shall pass.

Dear Husband,

I know there must be a good reason out there for all these unfortunate things happening to us. Maybe it is meant to keep us together so we can find a solution together. Maybe it is meant to open our eyes and make us realize that wealth and fame are not what matter in life because in the end, we cannot take them with us.

Do you still love me? Can we still work it out? I'd like to give the kids a happy family ... it's something money can't buy. Won't cost you a cent and thats all we can afford to give them right now.

Your Wife

Silence

2011-01-19T19:14:00.000-08:00

The silence is deafening.

He walks quietly past me yet I hear myself screaming inside. He doesn't say a word and I hear him lie. I type quietly at my computer but he hears me rant. How many days will this go on? There's work to be done, schedules to coordinate, bills to be paid, school activities to attend, stories to tell, restaurants to try, trips to make, movies to watch, kids to love and hands to hold.

Its driving me nuts but I need to keep my stand for the sake of myself and for the sake of my kids. Does that make sense?

Today i need to empower myself to get thru this silence yet again. I'm going for a makeover thats what ! I need to find my voice in this deafening silence. I want to hear myself and feel good about it! I will not let anxiety take over my life and loose all the progress I have made so far. I will not give in to the negative thoughts that make me deaf to myself. I cannot lose the beautiful music I used to hear and allow the noise to win.

Look Mom !

2011-01-18T19:34:00.000-08:00

The sweetest words for the day : Look Mom!

Makes my heart melt everytime... I can hear the confidence in his voice...my little boy is so sure he created a masterpiece out of the blocks he constructed...he is so sure I would get up to go check it out... he is so sure I would love it! and he is so sure that I love him.

Wish he would love me forever and ever. Wish he never outgrows his innocence. Wish I could protect him from all the hurt in the world. Wish I could find the courage and perseverance to keep his parents marriage alive. Wish I could be sure of The Husbands love and fidelity to me.

Wish I could say Look World! We are one big happy family !

My visit with counsellor yesterday went fine. Lots of unloading as usual. The Husband had his own visit yesterday too. We both have a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make. We both need to re create the masterpiece of love that has come crumbling down. Then maybe, just maybe, I can get my wish and say Look World!

The Moon, the Stars and a Miracle

2011-01-17T21:13:00.000-08:00

Today I will be seeing my counsellor again. Been seeing her for 2 years. Still don't know what to say or what I need after the latest issue between me and The Husband.

Of course, I know I need to be happy again. Thats one. I need to be with my kids. Thats two. I need to have my old husband back. Thats three. Old husband...hmm... can't even remember what it was like before.
Come to think of it, didn't I see it then? He seemed to be just the same as he is now. Occasionally affectionate, business minded ( all our conversations evolved around business since thats how we started to get to know each other), always on the go, friendly with the opposite sex (forever buddy of the girls including myself). AKA affectionate when he needs sex, my business partner, impulsive, a flirt and a cheat.

So delete the third need. I don't need my old husband back. I need him to change his ways. Thats the Third.

Its like asking for the moon, the stars, and a miracle.

Married with Kids or Separated with Kids?

2011-01-16T21:15:00.000-08:00

Status: Married with kids.

There is a big difference with being married with kids and married without kids.
There is also a big difference with being separated with kids and separated without kids.

My dilema is : To be married with kids or separated with kids?

Kids are the sweetest and most lovable specially when they are young. When they get older, they learn to reason and have their own concerns with life. They get affected in different ways with the way their parents deal with each other. They make their own conclusions and analysis. Of course, you can't explain the entire situation to them. With the limited information they have they turn against you or are for you. Is it fair to tear the family apart?

Kids are dependent on you so decision making is not easy specially when it comes to separation. Being financially dependent on your spouse forces you to consider your kids welfare and not just your own. Of course there is child support to expect but what if it doesn't come? What then? And after years of being primarily a wife and a mother, can I find a better paying job?

So its back to square one. To be married with kids or separated with kids?

Where have I been? Where am I now?

2011-01-15T18:52:00.000-08:00

Where have I been?

Been thru a lot thats what. Its been years since I've updated this blog. So much has happened and so much has been learned...

Been having problems with my marriage. There, I said it.
Been lost in a deep slumber of depression, denial and hoping everything will be alright.
Been feeling sorry for myself, angry and bitter.
Been feeling trapped with no way out.
Been trying to find my old self again after all these years of being a mom and a wife.
Been neglecting my kids while focusing too much on my dissappointments.
Been to a Psychiatrist and a Marriage Counselor.
Been praying for light at the end of the long dark tunnel.

Where am I now?

Am facing reality.
Am finding my independence and ways to empower myself.
Am fighting to get a hold of my sanity.
Am loving my kids and showing them I can be a great mom again.
Am accepting the fact that my husband has limitations and is not perfect.
Am realizing that I have a choice whether to live with his limitations or not.
Am deciding whether to stay or to go.
Am blessed with lifelong friends to help me get thru this.

Am back to this blog and hope to update it regularly again. I have also revised the title of my blog and added marriage aside from parenting.

Many Kids and Coping with Clutter

2005-08-19T00:11:00.000-07:00

Having a lot of kids automatically leads to having a lot of clutter. At least thats how it is in our house. Dont' get me wrong ... I love my kids ... its the clutter that stresses me out. Thank goodness I found the flylady website http://www.flylady.net. She has so much practical advise about how to cope with clutter. I have been subscribed for several years now and constantly get all these reminders during the day to do the clean up routine or kill my "hot spots" or messy mounds growing around the house. She recommends working in 15 minute sessions so as not to burn out. A great idea indeed. I would
say that I have already accomplished so much with her guidance. I havent totally eliminated the clutter but I am getting there ! There is also a target zone for each day like say the dining room cabinet or the porch or under the bed or the bathroom cabinet. It somehow feels lighter when you know that all around the world there are thousands struggling to accomplish the same task. The best part is she always reminds us to do it in "baby steps" and not obsess or to "jump in where you are. " Perfect for me who can't promise to finish everything all at once. In short , no pressure.

Theres something about people like me with clutter...I keep a lot of things for sentimental reasons, might be useful one day, etc etc. The more you pressure us , the more we can't dispose of things. We have to be psychologically prepared to let go of things! Not many people understand this specially our husbands. But reading the flylady testimonials of others , I get totally inspired and get up, organize my things and eliminate my hot spots. There is so much satisfaction and freedom after I do! Once I have made the decision myself about parting with an item, i put it away either to trash or to my donation box. I just wish this feeling will come to me more often so I can finally see my clutter free dream home very soon.

Homework & Lessons

2005-08-14T11:13:00.000-07:00

So what do you do when your 10 year old child says "I forgot I have a big project due tomorrow!" and its 10:00pm Sunday night? First instinct would be to loose your cool then maybe do it for him? Tempting ... Instead I decided to teach him a lesson and make him do it himself. Of course it took a lot for me not to take over and get it over with. Who wants to miss an oppurtunity to maintain being in the 1st honors list ?

I watched as he struggled to finish his project and keep his eyes open. Sat beside him pretending to be busy doing something else. He would talk out loud looking for answers and I would throw him leading questions. He needed some pictures, I surfed the net for the images in his list to print. He needed to color his drawing, I pulled the colored pencils he needed out of the box and I also put them back in after he was done. I let him do the masterplan while beside him I was the helpful mom.

Did he learn his lesson ? At a little past 12 and way past his bedtime with blood shot eyes looking at me he says "Mom its done." I sure hope he learned about responsibility & better time management. I also hope he learned that mom is always there to support him in learning his lesson well.

Hip, Helpless & a Hospital Bed

2005-08-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

Hip, Helpless a Hospital Bed. A person who has just undergone a hip replacement is just so helpless specially because she cant move around alone. It is just so undignified having someone else feed you and take you to the toilet. How difficult not to be able to sit up in a 90 degrees angle! Normal people just seem to take for granted being able sit up in bed, walk to the sink and washing your hands when we want to. A sick person cannot just get up and do this. Getting out of the bed took so many people to help and what a position you must take just so as not to dislocate your new hip! So very uncomfortable really!

Being at the hospital has its perks like having someone else do things for you. Your every wish is their command. Your every pain their job to fix. Everyones concern and attention is on you. Flowers and food come continuously. So with the bill like a taxi meter ticking away. Everything you need has a price. Is a hospital always profitable? I wonder. No mercy for the patient should be expected when it comes to the bill and Doctors really rake it in. A single operation pays for a students tuition for the whole school year ! Why didnt I think of that when I was choosing a course?

And when you go home ...How do you get into the car ? You also enter into the world of hospital equiptment. Going up the stairs is not allowed so a new room in the 1st floor has to be converted into a bedroom. Hospital bed needed etc. But they cost so much ! I wonder if you can rent one? I mean no one wants to buy one knowing its just a temporary need. No 1 wants to invest in one either and hope to maximize your investment ! I hope to find one to rent tomorrow if not maybe I can just think of something for the meantime. It reminds me of a coffin. When you die and want to be cremated you still have to buy a coffin for the viewing. No such thing as renting one.
But why not? We are really at the mercy of funeral parlors and hospitals.

There is just so much to be thankful for when you are healthy and it made me realize how much I should do for others specially when they are sick.