Random Ninja - Writer of Wrongs

Oversharing.

2013-05-10T09:32:00.002-05:00

Because I AM the Writer of Wrongs and because I know you would want to know what's going on in my life:
(Dad, please don't read this.)

Y'all know I'm a fan of my menses collecting, silicone, vaginal shot glass known as the Diva Cup, but I'm giving maxi pads another go this week. No real reason for it, I just wanted to see if my feelings for them had changed much since I ditched them a few years back, so I'm conducting my own personal study.

So far, pads still suck.

You would've asked me about this, right?

Dafuq Did I Just See?

2013-05-02T10:53:00.002-05:00

Dear Prius Mom Next To Me,

My query was not "Why is your kid standing between the front seats with her bottle in her hand" as I watched you cruise through the five way intersection this morning. My question was not even "Why isn't your child belted in".

My question was "WHY WERE YOU?"

Your adorable child is one short-stop away from having her face planted in your windshield, while you, on the other hand, are restrained behind the steering wheel of your Toyota.

I'm just curious to know why you bothered with yours.

My Dream Job

2013-03-07T11:53:00.001-06:00

I wish I could get paid to be sarcastic.

Who wouldn't want me to berate them for their poor choices?

Like I care what you think.

Random Acts of Kindness...I suck at this.

2013-03-06T12:43:00.001-06:00

Clearly, I suck at this blog challenge, but I'll press on in true Random Ninja fashion and pretend I never left the Wonka tour to sample fizzy lifting drinks.

My last random act of kindness. That's the topic for March 6th.

I'm always random and...frequently kind and although I do have a tendency to poke bears with short sticks, I'm basically a good person.   I suppose, as the case tends to be with most basically good people, random acts of kindness are simple things like waving the person across from you to go ahead through an intersection at the overwhelming four-way stop (I mean, if you think about it, we're really ALL to the right...), or to take a stranger's cart back for them, or to shovel the neighbor's walk (which was done for us recently).

There's one thing that stands out in my mind when I think of a random act of kindness though. It's something I did with the intention of making someone smile and I'll never know if that's the effect I had or not.

One Sunday while I was waiting for my girls to get out of religion class, I saw a mom and her son arrive for the 11:30 mass. It was spring, not too warm for a jacket and not cold enough for a hat and scarf. As this woman and her teenager walked inside, I thought to myself how brave she seemed. Brave, because this woman, who looked so put together and sure of herself, had absolutely no hair. I suspected it was a battle with cancer that she was going through (she didn't have the look of someone who would choose baldness over a carefully coiffed hairstyle) and she made me happy. Here was someone who was not letting her illness get the best of her. She was an inspiration to anyone fighting her same fight, laughing in the face of cancer. She looked healthy and happy and confident.

On the outside.

I have no idea how she was on the inside, but on the outside, she looked like someone who was saying "fuck you, cancer, you can't beat me".

So I wrote a note and secured it into the door handle of her car: "I don't know where you are in your battle, but I hope you're winning. You are beautiful."

I never signed it and I left before she came back out, but I hope it made her day.

White Sugar Bunnies of Christmas

2013-03-04T10:07:00.000-06:00

As a latecomer to the 31 Day Blog Challenge, I guess I'll just pick up where the other, more timely bloggers are at this moment: March 4th. Best Childhood Memory.

I have so many to choose from, it's embarrassing. I suppose though, that my best childhood memory is actually more of a conglomeration of memories all lumped together into one giant ball of "OMG, I remember this song/feeling/candy/tv show/friendship pin/gold shoe/pair of earrings"...etc.

The memories that continue to make me smile come from that far away land of "The 80's".

I could go on and on with memory after memory, but since boring you to tears is not the assignment for today's blog post, I'll randomly select one from the file.

White Sugar Bunny Ornament.

There once was a bunny made of sugar that hung from our Christmas tree every year. He didn't look Christmas-y at all, just a 3/4" thick cookie cut-out rabbit silhouette with sculpted eyes and a nose highlighted with pink paint, but the sugar looked like glitter under the multi-colored lights on our tree and I adored that ornament. I remember sitting under the tree looking up at it, mesmerized at the way it caught the light. It was definitely my favorite.

And that brings the "favorite childhood memory" bit to a close.

Since tomorrow doesn't appear to be "sad shit that happened" day, I'll tell you now that Bunny met his demise the year our beloved cat Mittens peed in a box of ornaments. If you haven't seen what happens to a sugar ornament when it meets cat pee, you're better off. Poor little bunny. What a way to go.

What's your favorite childhood memory?

Can I have your purse?

2013-02-24T07:50:00.001-06:00

So here's the thing: I'm looking all over the internet for a decent-sized tote/purse. I can't seem to find one I just "have to have" on any site or Google, so I figure I'll just shop here. Y'all have a ton of great shit, right?
I'm partial to Michael Kors and Burberry, but will accept Coach and/or Prada if it's cute.
If you've got one that's in the "give away to charity" pile, can I see it? I mean...I'm the best charity I can think of.

Well, it was worth a shot.

Where did he learn this shit??

2013-02-21T13:39:00.001-06:00

At the store yesterday, the little boy in front of me got my attention. I thought what a cutie he was as he helped his mother put the groceries up on the conveyor belt, which was quite a reach for his small arms. He couldn't have been more than four years old.
I was all set to compliment the mother on her helpful little man, when he took the plastic divider, held it in front of him and ran his hand up and down it and thrust his hips toward it like Steven Tyler with a microphone stand.
He then pointed it at me like a rifle and "shot" me. *pitchoo*
Then he did the same to the cashier, saying "You're dead".

I am rarely rendered speechless by preschool-age children, but in that instance I was completely dumbstruck.

O.o

So I made this tablet case...look at it.

2013-02-11T16:02:00.001-06:00

I probably had about a thousand other things I needed to do today, but I was left alone with some leftover felt, a sewing machine, and that Nyan Cat song in my head...and this happened.

I can haz Android Ice Cream Sandwich filling?

I don't know how much wear and tear it'll withstand, being made of felt, but it's cute enough, no?

2012-12-15T10:32:00.004-06:00

Reading the statuses on FB this morning, it's evident that people need to chill the fuck out. They're all thinking they know the perfect solution to this type of tragedy when the truth is that there is none.

Keeping God out of schools, bringing him back, arming everyone, arming no one, home-schooling your kids...none of that will prevent this kind of thing from happening.

But arguing about it is all people can do to help themselves make sense of it. They need a tangible solution and they will not find one.

It's okay to grieve about this, folks. It's also okay to grieve about the fact that the world is random and dangerous and evil...as long as you remember to appreciate that it's also amazing and innocent and beautiful and none of us are guaranteed a single day here.

Finding Jesus...Again.

2012-12-05T09:58:00.004-06:00

In honor of His return, I'm reposting this entry from 2011.

Finding Jesus.

Last year, while driving my children to school, I passed a house with a plastic nativity scene in their front yard. It was a very simple reproduction of the Holy Family with SuperStepDaddy Joseph and the Virgin Mary kneeling near the...

*blink*

...wait a minute...

*blink, blink*

*jawdrop*

It seems that, in this family's version of the Nativity Story, not only was there no room at the inn, but the manger was full as well. Mary and Joseph knelt near the newborn child in a plastic, Ten Items or Fewer shopping basket.

It struck me as an interesting decorative choice and I wondered what made them choose to put a half-naked representation of the Messiah in a plastic shopping basket.

From a distance, the baby-doll that sat in the basket appeared to be a version of the Rub-A-Dub Dolly I had when I was a child. Its limbs were straightened, which put him at an odd angle in the too-small basket. Because this doll was not meant to bend, he looked like he'd frozen solid in the cold, which looked more than a little bit creepy.

Was he a place-holder for their real Baby Jesus or did the third part of the Holy Family get baby-napped years ago, forcing the family to search the bargain bin at the Dollar Store for a replacement?

Sadly, I feared we would never know. On the way to take the girls to their last day of school before winter break, we noticed that Shopping Basket Jesus was missing. The basket was there, but the Baby Jesus was not.

We prayed for his safe return.

This year, our prayers were answered. He is back, but Mary seems to be a little worse for wear. Behold:

Virgin Blows Her Top Over Missing Express Lane Messiah's Return

*2012 note: Someone send these people a new Nativity, please.

Don't read this.

2012-11-23T09:58:00.001-06:00

Testing for mobile. Don't read this, people. I'm deleting it in a minute. I said don't read it. Stop it now.

You're still doing it.

Black and Blue Friday!

2012-11-23T08:29:00.001-06:00

Twas the dawn of Black Friday, and in front of the store,
The people had camped out all night by the door,
Their bottoms were nestled in frozen lawn chairs,
As they peered through the glass, plotting what would be theirs.
The veteran shoppers were dressed for the weather
Eyeing new blood, as they huddled together,
When toward the glass doors an employee came near,
With a key in his hand and his face filled with fear
They watched him approach, with their eyes opened wide
He unlocked the door and then leaped to the side.
Like antelope, torn from their watering hole fun,
When the lion creeps nearer, break into full run,
So into the store the patrons did dash,
With lists miles long and buttloads of cash.
More rapid than eagles, they grabbed at Wii Games
They pushed, kicked and called one another foul names.
The Black Friday shoppers went straight to their works,
They prided themselves on behaving like jerks.
They said, "Puck your mother!" (or words of that sort)
As shopping became a full-contact sport!
Black Friday peeps, know this as you roam-
You're fighting without me, I'm staying at home!

Do you know why your phone has a lock feature?

2012-10-16T07:00:00.000-05:00

So you don't butt-dial your grandparents at 10 O'clock on a Friday night.

Yup. *nodding* That's why they invented that. Butt-dialing.

The story:
My daughter went to a haunted house at the local fairgrounds last Friday night and it seems that in the middle of fleeing a poor imitation of Jason from Friday the 13th, she butt-dialed my dad.

I got a text on my phone from my mother:
"Quick! Where is Madison? VIP."

I hurriedly replied, "She's at the fairgrounds with her friends. Why?"

"She called Poppa and we can hear everything."

"What do you hear?"

"...a lot of screaming..."

Lock your phones, people.

Public Schools are DANGEROUS.

2012-10-15T09:12:00.000-05:00

This is the weekly email from school. Do you see it? Do you??

Reginald Q. MacGuillicuddy Intermediate School E-blast

October 12th, 2012

(Please click on any of the links below to go to learn more information.)

PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCES NEXT WEEK! Make plans to attend!

The Book Fair is Open for Business!

Band Spectacular Moved to Monday, October 15!

Learn about Parent Portal Grades Access at Conferences

String Fest on Saturday! Come and Join the Fun!

Hoops for Heart Starts Oct. 22nd!

Hunger Games Tributes will be Selected Next Week!

Rotation Classes are Switching on Monday!

Reminder – Check Out the New Band Website!

Yes. That's right. My children could be selected to represent their respective classes in their very own Hunger Games at school.

May the odds be ever in their favor.

We've got spirit, yes we do...

2012-09-09T18:16:00.003-05:00

In honor of the Steelers' season starting tonight, I bring you a video by Lily and Madison...and Madison's iPod.

Let's go, Steelers.

I freaking love those kids.

Taking the plunge.

2012-08-11T14:16:00.002-05:00

Well, I've done it. I have finally opened a store from which I hope to sell many sparkly things. It might need a little work and a lot more lovely baubles listed, but it's a start.

I've got no experience with this, but thanks to the power of the intarwebs, that will not be a problem!   Internet businesses come with rather detailed instructions dumbing down the magical wonders of entrepaneurship into something akin to Lemonade Stands for Morons.

It is truly awesome.

I don't doubt that I'll meet a snag or two along the way, but at least I've jumped in at last.   I don't think I'll have money falling out of the sky on me, but only because I don't think Paypal can DO that. It might hurt, anyway. And I'm fragile.

Also, I sometimes doubt my genius and think no one will buy my pretties.   But enough of that! I'm not here to cast my own shadow of doubt, I'm here to promote this wonderful new venture!

So let's do this thing!

Go here. Look. Buy. I'll make stuff out of whatever you want, for a price. Except puppies. I can't work with puppies.

It feels like fall today.

2012-08-08T11:09:00.003-05:00

John took the girls fishing today and I had the entire house to myself.

I sat alone watching Sex and the City (movie, not series) and enjoying the quiet and the sound of the rain and a lovely gentle breeze blowing in through the window and I thought, it feels like fall.

I know it's still August and the heat will climb back up to Oppressive in a day or two, but right now, at this minute, it feels wonderful.

It's one of those mornings that makes me think of plaid skirts and white shirts and crisp apples and the smell of paper.

God, I hope it lasts.

photo courtesy photobucket Klattu01

ToeJam Sam and the Maxi-Pad Aisle.

2012-08-05T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hi, peoples. I've got stuff to do today, so please enjoy this piece I wrote a few years ago while I try to find the top of my dining room table again.

ToeJam Sam and the Maxi-Pad Aisle:
I didn't know I wanted three children, but four and some-odd years ago, the urge to have just One More Baby gnawed at me until I finally shrugged, rolled over and ordered hubby to "just do it".   Bingo-Bango-Bongo, I got pregnant (yep, pretty much just like that). I peed on a stick to be certain of it...on Mother's Day, no less. Yepperooni. Pregnant.
Many moons passed. Many many moons passed. So many moons passed that I was beginning to think that I was living on the wrong planet. This child was setting up shop in there for the long haul.
I suspected that bambino knew it was wintertime and had hoped to hibernate until the weather warmed up a little. I had visions of being pregnant forever with that kiddo all warm and toasty in the Womb For Went...*ahem*...RENT.
So one day in January my doctor gave me a pitocin cocktail with an epidural chaser and a few hours later a very teeny person practically shot out of my vagina (that's "bajingo" for a few of you). We named her Sam. Our family was complete with three adorable little girls and the sky was full of lollipops and rainbows. It was a Lisa Frank world.
Let's skip a few pages of our story and bring us to the here and now. We'll title this segment "Never a Dull Moment".
Yeah, that says it nicely. Sam is anything but dull. She's the child who wants to name animals after breakfast cereals and body parts. ("Cornflakes" was one and I won't say the other one, but it rhymes with Schmagina.)
This is the same child that cannot watch a toy commercial without stating "I wanna buy that for my birthday" even when she's alone in the room.   This is the child that loves animals so much, she pees on their heads. (I can just hear her some day, "Jeez Mom. I did that ONE TIME!!")
The entertainment Sam provides us with is absolutely invaluable.   A trip to the grocery store is never boring. Just this week, Sam was with me at Wal*Mart.   The surrounding area bustled with my fellow shoppers in search of their favorite shampoos, soaps and various scented shaving creams, when Sam's eagle eye spotted the familiar Always box. Pointing, and using her I'm Outside And Just Too Doggone Excited About It voice, she exclaimed,
"MOMMY! YOU BUY THOSE! YOU PUT THEM IN YOUR UNDERPANTS WHEN YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM!!"
Those are the moments that take my breath away. Sometimes they take the breath away from other ladies shopping within earshot, whose shoulders hitch up and down as they try not to laugh loudly at what my daughter just said. Bless their hearts.
Pardon me. She just ran past the doorway...naked...with a can of Spaghettio's.

Yeah, dull I don't get much.

This post should read "Results not typical."

2012-08-04T09:18:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure how this happened, but...

In March, I wrote a post about Spring Fever and the urge to plant despite my tendency to kill green things.
After a couple of months, this is what became of those innocent little seeds that I shoved into some dirt and watered until they just couldn't take it anymore:

Catnip and cucumbers and petunias live happily together in the window box...

They have climbed up and grabbed hold of the wind-chimes, silencing them. (I may have to remedy that with a kitchen shears.)

Are you as shocked as I am? I mean, look at those plants! They're all...like, growing and junk. *shrugs incredulously* I dunno. I can assure you it wasn't intentional. I watered the hell out of those things. I don't know how anyone could survive that much attention with a hose. (You totally went there, didn't you, you bunch of pervs.)

And still, despite the water-boarding...

See those? Those are green beans. Green beans! I grew those! (It makes me wish I liked green beans more than I do.)

I'm also growing oregano, basil and tomatoes which you can see in their little group photo.
I'm totally making pizza with this stuff. Well, not with the green beans. That would be gross. I don't want to make herfy pizza.

I take back what I said about my inability to grow green things. Apparently, I DO have what it takes to garden.

Edited to add: OMG, wait. Don't go. The CUCUMBER! I forgot to show you the cucumber! To all those I led to believe I couldn't grow something that wasn't housed in my uterus...check out this bad boy.

Suck it, Trebek.

I'll give you two bags of Oreos for your Dyson.

2012-08-03T08:34:00.001-05:00

I am the proud owner of a Bernese Mountain Dog named Brinkley. He is one hairy motherfucker. Seriously.

This is Brinkley:

"I am one hairy motherfucker."

You can probably tell he sheds. A lot. And because I am SUCH a domestic goddess, my house is typically covered in giant hairy balls...of fur.

I had company coming in the beginning of July and, as usual, an obscene amount of vacuuming to do, but the Saturday before my friend Lori and her kids arrived, my piece of crap Hoover decided it wasn't up to the task and punked out on me.


"YOU suck. I quit."

I didn't have the time or money to buy a new vacuum, but my mother owns a Dyson and lives only fifteen minutes away, so I borrowed hers. It sucks the way vacuums are supposed to suck! Yay for clean(er) floors!

Heh heh. Right.

Once I had tried my mother's Dyson, I wanted to get one of my own. So, on Sunday...remember my company was due to arrive Monday...I found an ad on Craigslist for this:

I'll suck the shit out of your floors. Literally.

WANTED IT!

So I sent the person an email.

It went like this:

I'm interested in the Dyson vacuum you've listed on Craigslist.

I'm in Davenport, but I'd love to take it off your hands for you very soon. Is there anything else I need to know about it? The listing says it's in great shape.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Erika

Hi Erika
This vacuum runs great, is clean and ready to go. It has no issues, my husband completely went through this vacuum when he cleaned it. We are located just outside of Dubuque by Peosta, if you like I could meet you in Dubuque. When will you be in this area?

It takes me about an hour to get there, and I have company coming Monday that will be headed out on Thursday, so is Friday too late? I'd hate to say "Oh, TOMORROW works" and totally put you out. :-/

I wonder if I could get you to come down to $100 on it...if I throw in a bag of Oreos?

I suck at Craigslist. I don't know what the heck I'm doing.

Erika

Then fifteen minutes later I followed up with this:

And of course, NOW I see that you also have the DC17 listed as well. *drool*

This Hoover Pet Cyclonic that I've got is a hunk of junk. I wish I could afford even the $200 for the DC17! WANT!!

I could offer you $175 and TWO bags of Oreos for the DC17...

Hi Erika
Thank you for your interest in the DC17. I could do $175 for you on the DC17 (and the Oreos, my husband LOVES Oreos, lol). Could you make it to Dubuque before Friday by chance?

My husband has volunteered to make the trip while I entertain my friend! lol.

He can make it tomorrow (Tuesday) at about 1:00 if you'd be able to meet him someplace along 61, as he comes into town that way.

Does that work for you at all? (I'll send him with the cash and the cookies to complete the transaction!)

Let me know. :)

Erika

Hi Erika

Yes, that will work fine. Have him meet me at the HyVee on 61, it's by downtown Dubuque right before you get to the bridge. I will be driving an older blue Dodge van and my cell number is below if you wanted to give that to him in case he needs it that is fine. Let me know if you have any questions. Thank you so much.

Sounds great! So we've got HyVee on 61 at 1:00 with $175 (and cooooookieeees).

John should be driving my brown Windstar, and he'll have your number in his phone.

Maybe I don't suck so bad at this Craigslist thing. I hope I hope I hope this vacuum makes all my dreams come true! (Or at least picks up the mass of fur that lines my floors, anyway.)

Till Tuesday! (Oh, ha! ..Such a dork.)

Erika

Hi Erika
Yes tomorrow at 1pm at the HyVee. Craigslist is really easy most of the time. I have had really good luck with listing and buying stuff off craigslist. I have never had someone barter cookies with cash though, I'm happy with that though...lol. Cookies + Cash = Happy Husband!! Thank you again. You will love this Dyson!

Then:

Hi Erika
My husband wanted me to confirm they will be the Double Stuff Oreos...lol

Is there any other kind?! Of course, they are! :)

Ok, lol

A day later I wrote back to her with this:

Nicole,

This thing is fantastic! If you click on the link in my signature, one day soon there will be a blog post about this exchange. It was just too silly not to share. :)

Thanks again!

Erika

Hi Erika
Thank you for your business!!! One package of Oreos are already gone!! Your hubby and I got to HyVee about the same time, he was a really nice man. I explained a little bit about the vac to him but he said you had borrowed one and knew all about them. Please let your friends know about our vacuums, we handle most all models, mainly higher end vacs and they are all nice and clean in good working order like the one you received. Have a fantastic week and try to stay cool!!

And that's how I got a vacuum that actually sucks.

DC17 - Vacuum of Magnificence

My filter-less existence works in my favor once again! :)

If you liked it, share it with your friends. If you hated it, share it with your enemies.

Lookit! More free stuff!

2012-07-28T00:00:00.000-05:00

That last giveaway was too much fun and so easy to do that I decided to host another before I open my Storenvy shop.

This time it's a pair of glass, beaded earrings in a really lovely plum color. This is one of my favorite pairs, actually, so I made two. One for me and one for the giveaway. They really catch the light, don't they?

So, if you think they're as totally bitchin' as I do, enter to win!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Good luck!

ETA: Congratulations to Laura! Thank you for entering. I hope you enjoy your new earrings. :)

Oh, Internet, how I've missed you!

2012-07-26T10:52:00.002-05:00

You may have noticed my absence as of late. Believe me when I say you were not abandoned by choice! It was an act of God. Or Mother Nature. Or Gaia. Or Thor.

Last week, we had a teensy little rainstorm. It didn't bring us lower temperatures or a break in the humidity or even enough of the wet stuff to bring an end to this drought that is wreaking havoc on the crops in the Midwest. It did bring lightning. Lots and lots of it.

One of those bolts with many volts struck the pine tree in our backyard. My oldest daughter and my husband saw it happen. They were standing out on the back porch, watching the light-show, when suddenly the world became very bright and deafeningly LOUD. Both were shaken, but not hurt by the strike, thank God.

With the lightning striking so close to the house, we suffered a bit of damage to our electrical stuffs: the computer went kerblooey and the Direct TV box in my room will no longer turn on, and now the ceiling fan in the kitchen has decided to up and die...in this heat. Great. So now I'm forced to do the dishes only during the hours when the sun is up...and burning a hole through the kitchen windows...with no moving air to cool me. *sigh* What to do...

You don't want to read my complaints, do you? You want pictures. Of course you do.

I don't know if I have to explain too much about these photos, but you can see that the lightning bolt more than peeled the bark from the tree. The bark pretty much exploded from the inside out, actually. There is a split down the length of the trunk. How deep it goes, I don't know, and I hope it hasn't compromised the tree too much. We like that tree. It's been here way longer than we have.

Enough digressing. Pictures.

Ground to point of entry.

This is at least twenty feet up the trunk
and where we thought
the lightning first struck the tree.

But when you step back a ways...

See where the shadow ends way up there?

THAT's where it hit.

Side note before I let you go...

Did you know that when lightning strikes a coniferous tree, it can totally barbeque certain pine cones but leave others untouched? Something about the sap and the path the lightning takes...I dunno. Apparently sap is a great conductor of electricity. Yikes.

But hey! It's great to be back! Now tell me everything I missed!

My Parenting is so full of WIN.

2012-07-02T02:00:00.000-05:00

My children recently had their semi-annual plaque scraping and professional tooth polishing appointment. Even scheduled early in the day, we spend most of our morning there. Three kids, three cleanings, one oral hygienist...Yeah. It takes a long-ass time.

We came prepared, having brought a backpack filled with crayons, coloring books and reading materials, but it was the Mancala board that got the most use:

Mancala Tournament: Hour Two

By the time the last child was released with healthy teeth and gums, we were nearly starving. I promised to feed the heathen spawn, so we headed to McDonald's. (Where else can I poison my family for under twenty dollars?) On the way there, the girls decided that British accents were just what our boring old car ride needed. The next twenty minutes on the interstate were very entertaining. Did you know that anything and everything is not just funny in a horribly exaggerated accent, but freaking hilarious?

The fun didn't stop when we reached the drive-thru at McDonald's.

While I wasn't savvy enough to order the food in my semi-convincing accent, I did greet the cashier who took my money with an enthusiastic "Ello Guvn'a!" making Madison nearly shoot a snot rocket at the windshield trying to stifle her laughter, while the two in the back brayed like donkeys.

Having still not had enough fun, we kept it up all the way home, the hilarity of the situation causing the two smallest campers to increase their volume with each word they spoke. Finally, I had to ask them to bring it down a notch, saying, "You know what, guys? I don't think they yell everything in Great Britain. I can't recall the last time I heard someone announce: "IT'S TIME FOR TEA!"

Just then, the high pitched, and overly affected voice of Samantha piped up from the back of the van and yelled, "MERRY CHRISTMAS, BITCHES!!!"

I'm still trying to decide whether that's a parenting fail or a parenting win.

Which do you suppose it is?

(If you are guilty of grinning at this, please share it with your friends. If you thought it was a ridiculous waste of your time, share it with your enemies.)

Show me your box! Your mailbox!

2012-07-01T02:00:00.000-05:00

Sugar Daddy and I are getting new storm doors put on the house soon and our new front door will no longer have a mail slot in it. Mail carriers like to have a hole to stuff the bills and junk mail into, so we're on the lookout for a super-cool mail box for the side of the house.

While I'd like to see something like this...

I'm not above taking suggestions, if you've got them.

So tell me...

What can you picture here?

Dear Allie Brosh, I'm going to steal your readers...

2012-06-30T02:00:00.000-05:00

Ever since I wrote this entry inquiring as to the whereabouts of my very most favoritest writer/cartoonist, I've gotten a lot (Alot) of traffic on that post. People are searching it multiple times a day and landing on that page. They're not looking for me, Allie. They're looking for you and FINDING me.

It may seem cheap, but you know what? I'll take it!

I just wanted to let you know, that I'm planning to borrow those readers for a while. Only until you come back. You can have them back...provided that you can identify them.

Sure, I don't draw clever little cartoons and I don't have a dog that makes a whine like a jet engine, but I'll try my best to keep those folks entertained in your absence. Maybe I'll post pictures of things that "almost" look like vulvae and call it "Suddenly Bajingo". Maybe I'll just talk about how much the Intarwebs misses you.

Maybe I'll use hypnosis and duct tape.

Anyway, I'll take good care of them, Allie. I swear.

So, hello! If you were led to this blog through a search for Allie Brosh, please stick around for a while and we can chat about how fabulous Ms. Brosh is and how very much we miss her unique brand of humor.

But first, look into this golden amulet...you're getting very sleepy...

No, no, keep looking at it...wait. Where are you going?