Important Things

LindsayBoo - Best Zombie Games, Modes, and DLCs

2011-03-10T23:46:00.000-08:00

Join host Lindsay Barrasse, aka TheLindsayBoo, as she discusses what her and her friends thought the best zombie games, modes, and DLCs, with in the past year or so, were.

Did you agree with what she said? Let her know in the comments! Be sure to rate and subscribe as well.

What in the World - Spider Bite Equals Boner

2011-03-08T11:19:00.000-08:00

What, this doen't give you a boner.

Scientists believe a spider could lead to a breakthrough in sexual health after finding a single bite can cause a four hour erection.

Researchers at the Medical College of Georgia believe the venom of the Brazilian wandering spider could lead to a new cure for erectile dysfunction.

Dr Kenia Nunes, a physiologist at the college, said it works in a different way to Viagra, reports the Daily Mail.

"This is good because we know that some patients don't respond to the conventional therapy. This could be an optional treatment for them," she said.

Her study, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, involved experiments using hypertensive rats with severe erectile dysfunction.

"The toxin was able to normalise the erectile dysfunction in these animals," said Dr Nunes.

However, further research is required. Other side-effects can include loss of muscle control, severe pain, difficulty breathing and death.

Dr Nunes added: "The venom of the Phoneutria nigriventer spider is a very rich mixture of several molecules.

"These molecules are called toxins, and then we have various toxins in this venom with different activity.

"Because of this, when a human is bitten by this spider, we can observe many different symptoms including priapism, a condition in which the penis is continually erect."

Staying Glued - Pokemon Black and White

2011-03-08T11:18:00.000-08:00

The last iteration of the insanely popular franchise was a remake, and the Diamond/Pearl generation before that was released over four years ago. So, here we are. Faced with a new adventure and 156 new pocket monsters to battle, evolve and capture in mysterious balls.

Set in the new world of Unova, Black/White offers something remarkable right off the bat. Every Pokémon you run into for the majority of the game is brand new. Not wanting to mince their intentions as they did in Gold/Silver and again in Diamond/Pearl, developers Game Freak have landed you in a continent solely populated by new, never-seen-before Pokémon. What this means for the hard-hearted Pokémaniac is a thrilling feeling of things being fresh and new.

I call it 2.5D

For the first time in a while I had a really difficult and thought-consuming time selecting my team to roll through the game. Rather than picking a starter and sticking with a tried and true Pidgey/Geodude/Pikachu combo until something more powerful arrives on the scene, in Black/White you get to experiment. If you want it, there’s a strong Dark-type lurking in the bushes just outside your home. Never seen that wacky blue duck before? Nope, neither had anyone else until now. Catch it, try it out. Truly, finding out what each new creature is capable of is a real joy.

The start of the game is familiar to anyone who’s played Pokémon before. You’re a 12 year old kid whose single parent has decided it’s time to kick them out into the wild world of adventure. The tiny town you live in has a world-renowned Pokémon expert lurking in it, and she’s ready to arm you with one of three new friends of the fire, water or grass type.

The gameplay changes with the seasons. Yet all the NPCs still LOVE SHORTS.

The good thing about Black/White’s implementation of the same old shtick is the speed at which it gets you on your way. No carrying a parcel to the next town and back this time around, you’re loaded up and battling your rival as quick as you can. A pair of running shoes from Mum and some laughable dialogue is exchanged and you’re well on the way to badge number one. The whole game feels streamlined, a saving grace for veterans sick of being continually shown the ropes.

The typical storyline in Pokémon games is never Pulitzer winning stuff and follows a fairly distinct pattern. Kids chase down bad guys, defeat their gang and save the day. Nothing much has changed here, although it is an enjoyable ride. As the bad guys in Black/White are especially pompous and self-righteous, it feels good to give them the boot. Some parts of the story have you feeling a little guilty for being a Pokémon Trainer, as the nefarious Team Plasma really resembles a kind of hopped-up PETA style organisation out to free the enslaved Pocket Monsters. Toward the end of the main saga is an actual twist that keeps things interesting and serves as a plausible vehicle for the semi-religious plot to come to an end. It’s still sticking to a tried and true formula, but expecting anything else would be misguided.

Some more grass: what Pokemon is all about.

Perhaps it’s a result of stretching the same paradigm over more than a decade of revisions, but the writing in Black/White feels fairly dated and incoherent. It’s spiced up by some hilarious translation work from Nintendo of America, as well as the fact the text-delivery portion of the graphical interface has been sped up, so battling the kid who can’t get enough of wearing shorts comes on nice and quick. The seemingly endless encounters with your rival/friend and the screeds of text from assorted professors, gym leaders and people on the street make the game feel more linear than it really is and can tend to divert you from hunting down the item or Pokémon you’re searching for.

Earlier iterations of the game gave you more time to muck around and explore, something that makes the plot of Black/White feel a little rushed at times.

Toniiiight, Route Twoooo is ourrrs.

With evolution being a central theme of the Pokémon world, there is an expectation that each new game in the series has become more refined and fit for purpose than its predecessor. Thankfully, Black/White has a raft of changes and tweaks that make it more rational and playable than earlier incarnations. Firstly, the Pokecenter has been equipped with an in-built Pokemart, so you can heal your team and stock them up with medicines on the same stop. Simple, but a little puzzling as to why it took five generations of the game to sort this one out.

Another change is the behavior of Technical Machines, or TMs in the game. TMs are used for teaching Pokémon their fighting moves outside of a evolutionary path and have previously been one-shot devices. With the advent of item trading the developers have decided to make TMs multi-use, which helps remove the frustration associated with crafting the perfect Pokémon for taking on the post-endgame bosses, or fighting tough matches online.

All in all, it ain't half bad. Pick it up, grab what's left of the DS world before everything converts into fucking 3D. But that's for another review. Stay glued.

Pub Culture - History, Hysteria, and Whores

2011-03-04T18:57:00.000-08:00

I talk about the controversy over the labeling of "Witch's Wit" by Lost Abbey. Throwing in a history and literature lesson, I also review the beer. Pub Culture is a weekly show and beer and things relating in and around the culture of the drinking world.

Witch's Wit is a Witbier with an ABV of 4.5%. It is brewed by Lost Abbey which is located in California.

2011-03-03T21:15:00.000-08:00

If only all protests involved lesbianism.

A Russian art group staged an unusual anti-police protest in Moscow - by showering policewomen with kisses.

Voina has posted a video of clips on YouTube of women members approaching female officers on duty and kissing them on the mouth.

The footage is shown to a fast-paced Yiddish song, entitled Down With the Police, that dates from the early 20th century.

It shows a series of Voina activists approaching policewomen, mostly in the Moscow Metro, where they ask a question, then try to aggressively kiss them on the mouth.

Many of the officers struggle to break free of the embrace, in one clip nearly falling off a station platform.

On its Twitter blog the group claimed to have kissed "several hundred" policewomen.

"Voina, in the face of activists of its militant-feminist wing, has initiated the rite of kissing cops and their cop abuse," a Voina statement said, on the blog wisegizmo.livejournal.com.

It's not the first time that the group has targeted police. Another recent stunt involved turning over police cars in Saint Petersburg.

Their most famous achievement however was painting a giant penis on one of the rising bridges in Saint Petersburg so that it rose to face the offices of the FSB security service.

What in the World - Guy defies death on Youtube, not as popular as Beiber.

2011-03-01T12:36:00.000-08:00

Derp.

A skier filmed himself cheating death when he tumbled backwards from the top of a mountain while wearing a head camera.

Austrian Stefan Ager had just climbed up the mountain with friends at the Stubai Glacier, intending to ski back down, reports the Daily Mail.

Footage shot from his helmet cam shows him celebrating by taking a look around from the summit, capturing a clip of himself and putting his skis on.

But as Mr Ager clipped himself into the skis, he took a step backwards, lost his footing and ended up tumbling down the mountain.

The 15-second fall, down an almost vertical, rocky incline, was all captured on his helmet cam.

When he eventually landed, he let out an audible gasp of pain before looking up at the route he had just fallen down.

Incredibly, despite spinning out of control for much of his fall, he somehow managed to avoid being dashed on any of the larger rocky outposts - and landed safely in a snowdrift at the bottom.

He said: "I am sooooo lucky!"

What in the World - Guy looks like girl, surprisingly not a hipster.

2011-02-27T15:36:00.001-08:00

There's a cock under there, I bet you.

An Australian man has been turning heads as a women's fashion model on the catwalk at London Fashion Week.

Andrej Pejic, 19, has become flavour of the month in the cutting edge world of women's couture, reports the Herald Sun.

The 6ft 2ins teenager was discovered while working at a fruit market in Melbourne at the age of 17.

With killer cheekbones, long blonde hair and slender figure, top designers think he looks perfect in their creations.

He has worked for Jean Paul Gaultier and appeared at the Vogue 15th anniversary party that launched London Fashion Week.

And he looked so good in a Gaultier wedding dress at Couture Week in Paris that singer Rihanna bought the same dress to wear at the Grammy Awards.

Mr Pejic, who was born in Bosnia but grew up in Australia, says one of his ambitions is to model for Playboy photographer Terry Richardson.

"I would love to do Playboy. Being cast as a woman is not something with which I feel uncomfortable," he said.

"My friends were surprised to see me in a wedding dress in a couture show. That was probably something they didn't expect - but they're all supportive."

Dicks.

Pub Culture: Hop'solutely, Brew Works

2011-02-27T15:34:00.000-08:00

Hop'solutely is a triple ipa with 11.5 ABV and 100+ IBUs.

It is brewed by Brew Works, aka Fegley's, in Allentown, PA.

You can learn more about it at http://www.thebrewworks.com/

Become a FAN! Hit LIKE at http://www.facebook.com/PubCulture and http://www.facebook.com/TheLindsayBoo

What in the World - I For One Welcome Them

2011-02-25T08:26:00.000-08:00

The most interesting Olympic game yet.

The world's first marathon for robots is underway in Japan where five androids are racing around a track.

But the knee-high robots pace is slow but steady and it's expected to take four days to find a winner.

The 26-mile course consists of 423 laps of an indoor track in the city of Osaka.

Operators are allowed to change the robots' batteries and motors but if the machines fall over they must get up by themselves.

The race is being organised by local authorities and a local robotics firm, which hopes the marathon will become an international event in the future.

Organizers say they expect the race to be won not by the fastest robot but by the one that can withstand the most wear and tear.

What in the World - Eargasms are real

2011-02-23T14:05:00.000-08:00

Mmmm. Sexy.

The ear has a "G-spot," explained the Santa Clara, Calif., ear-nose-and-throat surgeon; and thus the moans of ecstasy that Vietnamese "ear pickers" reportedly elicit from their clients might well be justified.

A San Jose Mercury News reporter, dispatched to Ho Chi Minh City in January to check it out, learned that barber shop technicians could sometimes coax literal "eargasms" (as they removed wax) by tickling a certain spot next to the ear drum served by multiple nerve endings and paper-thin skin.

Said one female client, "Everybody is afraid the first time, but after, it's, 'Oh my God!'" Said one Vietnamese man, returning home after a trip abroad, and who went immediately from the airport to a "hot toc" parlor for a picking, "(This) brings a lot of happiness."

What in the World - Jon and Kate Plus 166

2011-02-23T14:00:00.000-08:00

I've got one wife, and even that's too much.

An Indian man has 39 wives, 94 children and 33 grandchildren - all living under the same roof.

They all live in a four storey building with 100 rooms in a mountainous village in Mizoram state, in India's remote northeast.

"I once married 10 women in one year," said Ziona Chana, 66, according to the Daily Telegraph.

His wives share a dormitory near Ziona's private bedroom and locals said he likes to have seven or eight of them by his side at all times.

The sons and their wives, and all their children, live in different rooms in the same building, but share a common kitchen.

The wives take turns cooking, while his daughters clean the house and do washing. The men do outdoor jobs like farming and taking care of livestock.

The family, all 167 of them, consumes around 200lb of rice and more than 130lb of potatoes a day. They are supported by their own resources and occasional donations from followers.

"Even today, I am ready to expand my family and willing to go to any extent to marry," Ziona said.

"I have so many people to care (for) and look after, and I consider myself a lucky man."

Mr Chana met his oldest wife, who is three years older than he is, when he was 17. He heads a local Christian religious sect, called the Chana, which allows polygamy.

Being Snooty - Indigo Prophecy

2011-02-23T13:57:00.000-08:00

Alright people, let's dive right into this: you're uncultured. Unsophisticated, unkempt, and probably smell like ham and the inside of a chicken Ramen flavoring packet. You play Xbox, watch The Big Bang Theory, and have a few Yu-Gi-Oh cards lying around a drawer somewhere. I don't really know, I'm merely describing my own offspring. But I bet it's nonetheless true.

That's why I, Miss Peacock, am here on this filthy place called the internet. I'm here to inject some real majesty in your otherwise 8-bit lifestyle. Yes, I too play video games. I have children, you know, so it's almost a requirement. Usually I don't enjoy it, but I trudge through it anyways. The ones I do enjoy, though, are far more story driven than the usual drivel you succumb to, like Modern Warefare 2 or some nonsense like that. So, for you today, I bring you something to amaze: Indigo Prophecy.

A cult? good Lord, what have I signed up for?!

Also known as Fahrenheit to those of you not of the red-white-and-blue society, Indigo Prophecy isn't really a video game in the classic sense as it is an interactive movie. It involves a man, a murder, and a plot that becomes so twisted it begins to resemble regurgitated caviar more than an actual plotline by the end. So, now you ask "But mam, if the story becomes so stupid, why do you enjoy it?" At which point I'll slap you and tell you to be silent as I explain.

We open the scene with rendering, circa 2005. Stiff polygons, fixed limb movements, and the expression variety of a Family Guy cartoon. In a bathroom stall of a New York diner, one Lucas Kane Kills a spectacled man in a fit of possession and rage. Lucas makes a silly face, and comes out of the trance. Thus, the real game begins.

If only cleaning up blood in real-life was as easy as sliding the mouse button.

Your first task: clean up the murder scene. To make it all the more cinematic, a police officer sits right outside in the diner. and he's gotta pee. Dun-dun-dun. Already there are so many things you can do, and so many ways the situation can go. This formula follows throughout the entire game, choices upon choices all dependent on your interactions between characters and objects. But choose carefully, as more than one wrong sequence can end your game in a proverbial cluster fuck. Excuse my language.

The controls are all but difficult: interacting with both objects and talking to other characters are controlled by sliding the analog stick / mouse in the direction the certain object / conversation requires. Now, this part is simple. But when you get to the quicktime-esque action scenes, it can get a little annoying.

Begin!

In these events, you have a meter at the top indicating your life; a.k.a. the number of times you can screw up. If that runs out, the game is over, and the character at hand gives a little narration of your failure. To beat this little game, two Simon machines pop upon the screen, and your job is to mash the controls in the direction of the Simon buttons as they are highlighted. You get all that? It's like D.D.R., except you could die. Yes, I play that game too. I can't keep up this billion-dollar figure on my own, you know.

It can get really irritating in that the sequences can be a little too long. After a little while, it's only by the complete lack of interest that you screw up the movements and die. Very, how you say, gay. Very gay indeed.

The only other problem I have with this game is that the plot starts out fine and dandy, until you take a 90-degree turn into BatShitCrazyville, pardon me. We begin with a murder, multiple playable characters stemming from detectives to the murder himself, some solid character development, a sex scene or two, and then a mass-murdering cult and demonic possession, giant bug creatures, and household object flying themselves across the room at our player. I mean, honestly. I haven't seen a story take that much of a nose dive since Peter Parker got a bad haircut and danced around a Jazz club.

Thank god the gameplay doesn't get that interactive. Save that for Hot Coffee.

Minus the big upsets I've stated here, the game is worth playing. You know, for sophisticated people who view these types of things as an art form rather than an excuse to yell at the screen very loudly. Though it would be quite interesting to see one of these brands of games in multiplayer, Cooperative, maybe.

The company's next project Heavy Rain falls along the same exact vein of "interactive cinema in a console". It was released strictly for the PS3, and is something else worth looking at. But I'll save that for a later date. Frankly, all this "game playing" is making me feel less. . . well, rich.

Till next time, this has been your induction into culture. Good day to you, and stay away from my house.

Porn Reviews - Shotacon: Their most prestigious artist, in a less than prestigious genre.

2011-02-18T18:31:00.000-08:00

Oh no. . .

Let's dive right back in shit creek, this time looking at Shotacon's well known artist: Mitsui Jun; he is to shota what Andy Warhol is to soup cans.

Not much is known about Jun, at least from what I can tell. he's Japanese, he's a manga artist, and he enjoys big-eyed boys and talking animals. And penis. But I think that's a given by now.

And his work is some of the strangest. Don't believe me? By now, if you don't your an idiot. But to convince you, here's a summary of one of his many "adult only" flip books:

Not so bad. Oh wait, this is only the cover page.

Start! Fun Sex is about two boys on stage, among an audience of aliens. By aliens, I mean the usual "greys". Anyways, the two boys start out their "act" with a little magic, and turn it into the two butt-fucking each other. Twice. An encore to the aliens.

Another, Fun Time, is about a boy, a boy in drag, a robot with a penis, and a floating head with a graduation cap and a dick for a nose. And actually there's not much sex in this volume. Go figure.

And another, Jumping Track Trash, is set somewhere between the Mad Max universe and a post-apocalyptic Teletubbies. It involves a boy in biker goggles going around the desert and wanking it off. Then, as if he wasn't following hentai culture enough, a tentacled cyclops moves into frame and (for some reason) violates our hero. But when the shit hits the fan, or the sperm of the mini Road Warrior hits the monster's face, the monster melts into a gooey heap. And our hero celebrates this victory y, what else, wanking it. also, there's a flying cat. Mitsui Jun does take more drugs than Lewis Carroll.

Your guess is as good as mine.

I can't go much farther. At most, after all this, I don't even have a manhood anymore, and I'm going to hell. Isn't like I wasn't going anyway, but now I've got a President's suite and my name on the Employee of the Month plaque. Something I'm sure Mitsui Jun has had many times in a row.

I'm being preachy. But, here, go look up some of this. I'm serious. If you enjoy it, more power to you, but make sure you encrypt the shit out of it. I just. . . dear Lord, man. Next time, we'll be delving into something a little bit mainstream, American-wise. And maybe even examine it a bit more than this review has.

Not "next time", not ever.

Disclaimer: I tread lightly here on these past reviews because, well, it's still technically legal, but maybe a tad frowned upon. And I kinda like my job. So look at your own risk, fap at everyone's risk, and. . . porn is porn. Leave it at that.

Until next time, get your dicks out gentlemen. I see a boy on the horizon.

Staying Glued - The Running Man

2011-02-17T20:43:00.000-08:00

Man, what can you say about the ‘80’s?

No, seriously. I was born in ‘90, so I don’t have any actual memories of anything from the decade. Hell, Transformers have been around longer than I have. The best I can remember is how weird the early ‘90’s were in terms of pop culture and trends, which I assume is a result of ‘80’s style refusing to die. Everything I know about ‘80’s pop culture comes from stuff I’ve seen or read later. It just wasn’t my time.

However, I have spent many a meaningless hour watching old movies and TV shows and listening to music from that very decade. And the more I learn about it, the more I’ve come to form a few definitive truths about what the 1980’s were. As best as I can understand, in the 80’s:

- neon was everywhere

- all music had to have a synthesizer or electronic sound to it

- clothing with clashing colors, styles, or patterns was considered fashionable

- special effects looked about as real as my attempts at Photoshop

- action movies were BADASS

This is fact.

The reason I bring this up is that about a week or two ago I was hanging out with Adam and we ended up watching a RiffTrax of one of the coolest ‘80’s movies ever: The Running Man.

And I ran, I ran so far awayyy.

Love this movie. It's another one of those movies you'd sneak in to watch just cause it had girls, and guns, and ACTION! Some of it doesn't hold up to today's film standards, but it's still cheesy fun. It's main man Scwarzeneeger.

It's also a Stephen King book. Yep, cause when I think Stephen King, I think a burly Austrian. Arnold and King go hand-in-hand in this film, though, cause it hardly follows a lick of the book. Go figure. Still a cool flick though.

Running: something that occurs in every King book. Usually from Tim Curry.

Here’s the story: it’s “the future,” so of course society’s fallen into being controlled by a totalitarian police state where riots happen all the time and the government keeps people in line by distracting them with TV and entertainment. Alright, why is it that society as a whole always seems act like we have ADD?

But whatever. None of that’s really important. The story basically starts with Schwarzenegger as a military pilot named Ben Richards, working a mission and flying a helicopter over L.A. street riots that have broken out.

Insert “Get to the choppa!” joke here.

And he boned every single one of them.

Richards is ordered to fire on the (unarmed) crowd but, being the good guy, he of course refuses… and is promptly beaten down by the other three steroid-abusing commandos who have no such reservations about killing indiscriminately.

The people are gunned down, the whole thing is pinned on Richards, and he ends up in a forced labor camp. After being stuck there for a while, Richards stages a break-out with the help of a few other inmates, Laughlin the token black protagonist, and Weiss the token nerd/techie. Turns out that in the future all prisons will be protected by the equivalent of an electric dog fence, which will blow up the inmates but Weiss the token nerd finds a way to hack through. I guess the prison couldn’t afford an actual fence.

Anyways, they escape and Richards decides to lay low at his brother’s apartment for a while, and arrives only to find his brother gone and the apartment now owned by a girl named Amber, or as I like to call her, Whiney McGee, because most of her scenes have her either complaining, screaming, whining, or all three.

Actually, she’s Hispanic, so I’ll call her Whiney Chiquita.

She spends most of the movie, and her career, in this position.

Whiney Chiquita recognizes Richards from the news and freaks, but Richards manages to catch her and tie her to her exercise machine. No, no, he doesn’t do anything to her. But he does decide she’s going to help sneak him onto a plane out of the country and, to ensure her cooperation, demonstrates his badassery by ripping the bolted-down exercise equipment out of the floor, splintered floorboards and all. Damn. I mean, dude, if you can do that I don’t know what’s standing in your way. You are obviously a Terminator.

So Richards and Whiney Chiquita make it to the airport (dressed in their finest tacky ‘80’s casualware), but she of course alerts security and, after a brief chase scene, Richards is caught on the runway and taken to network headquarters. Why? To make him a star! Well, okay, really the network is just looking for new cannon fodder for their most popular show, The Running Man, hosted by (evil corporate douchebag) Damon Killian, played by real-world game show host Richard Dawson. In the show, “runners” try to evade “stalkers” through various death-match areas and, if they win, get the chance to be pardoned and set free.

But, as with any 80's-era villain, the latter is all but true. Muhahaha.

A lot of weird expressions in this picture.

Killian tricks Richards into competing in The Running Man by threatening to use his two other escapee friends- Laughlin and Weiss- instead. Richards complies and for some reason actually has to sign a release form to play. I don’t know why, seeing as how he’s a known convict, but whatever. He stabs a guy with a pen. Ha-ha! Anyway, as the show begins, Killian reveals that Laughlin and Weiss are being forced to play anyway. And it wouldn’t be an Arnold movie if he didn’t threaten:

His actual campaign poster.

The trio are sent into the game zone by being shot in rocket sleds down these winding sewer tubes which, while silly and impractical, I think look pretty damn cool. The rest of the movie is them making their way through each of the game zones and (surprise, surprise) actually beating the stalkers! What a shock!

The stalkers are what makes this movie hilarious, too. Being a cheesy game show in a cheesy ‘80’s movie, each one is gimmicky and laughable. You’ve got Subzero, a guy dressed in hockey pads and ice skates wielding a razor hockey stick. He inspires probably the most awesomely bad line in the whole movie when, after Richards kills him, Richards looks to the security cameras and boasts, “Here is Subzero! Now… Plain Zero!”

Oh, and Jessie Ventura’s there, too. But he just gets pissy when ordered to put on a costume and go fight Schwarzenegger. Not much of a sexual tyrannosaurus anymore.

Who's the slack-jawed faggot NOW?

Along the way, Laughlin gets killed, Whiney Chiquita is forced into the game after finding out Richards was set up for the massacre, and Weiss, after getting mortally injured (by Dynamo! Seriously, how is this guy able to kill anything other than his lunch?), tells Richards and Whiney Chiquita to find the network’s uplink facility.

Yeah, I probably should have mentioned it earlier, but everyone else forgets about it til the end anyway. Laughlin and Weiss are part of a “resistance” and hope to broadcast Richard’s setup to the world to bring down the TV station. How’d they get film from inside Richard’s helicopter? Why is the resistance operating in the game zone? How will this bring down the government?

Hell if I know. Richards and Whiney Chiquita find the resistance, broadcast the truth, storm the studio where The Running Man is being filmed (and finally kill Dynamo), and Richards gets revenge on Killian by strapping him to a rocket sled and sending him through the tubes to crash into a billboard and explode. Horray! Richards and Whiney Chiquita kiss in front of a neon background while ‘80’s pop music plays. Roll credits.

Nothing more badass than this: Arnold Scwarzenegger and a biker with a chainsaw.

Like I said, “The Running Man” is just pure ‘80’s cheese. But I still love it. That’s what makes it fun. The bad one-liners, the effects, the colors, the sheer ridiculousness of the action and the stalkers… everything that makes this movie a silly ‘80’s action flick makes it awesome. I loved watching it as a kid, and still do, because of how stereotypically cheesy it is. Rent it out sometime, get yourself a VHS. It's all good fun, until the one-liners hit the fan.

Being Snooty - Tim Cantor

2011-02-16T18:24:00.000-08:00

I'd like you to direct your attention for a moment, not to films or your Porn, but to some actual culture: paintings. Art. The silent prose. And the art I bring you today is much more than just fruits in a bowl, or a silly little soup can. These are much more than that, they are both abstract and symbolic, without having to be confusing and stupid. Like most all art is these days. I can't walk one foot down a gallery, servants at my helm, without seeing some black-and-white photo of a half-naked lesbian. no no, nothing like that here in my gallery. What follows are the works of the great Tim Cantor.

I call it 'Mystery of the Female Orgasm'.

Tim Cantor is a bit of a hidden gem in his own right, huddled out in a little gallery store in downtown San Diego, California. His works are amazing, and the artist himself is nowhere near as ebullient as his canvas. In his book The Art of Tim Cantor he is described as very shy, a creative being that only comes out at night to spread brush-after-meticulous-brush of paint on his next work.

That ain't cheap, but it sure is pretty.

His works range for the detailed and maddening, to some of the simplest images given the greatest detail (i.e. a series of water drops he did, looks amazing). Each accompanied by a short, explanatory poem. Talking to Tim at his gallery, he gives explanation to the poems as "a way to explain the meaning of my paintings," being as shy as he is. This aura of timidness gives the name a personality, and more of an image than anything.

That's a lot of fish.

Appreciate his art. Bask in it. The process it takes the make these, the shear amount of precision and layering done, rivals that of surgeons and Disney animators combined. Blah blah blah blah, kiss ass, he's amazing. Check him out, look him up, give him a read. Inject yourself with a little of the back-alley forms of entertainment and art, not just the kind you can find on Redtube. Heathens.

YKWBC - Country Music

2011-02-16T10:58:00.000-08:00

Here's something from the old Film Harvest channels, circa 2002. In the same veins as Peter Griffin's "Grind My Gears" or Cinemassacre's "You Know What's bullshit", this is You Know What's Bullcrap?. Remastered in glorious Technicolor. -DB

You know what's a buncha crap?

Fucking country music. Yeah, the crap that comes out of your stereo when you're scanning for the rock station. You tune past all the channels, and for a spit second you hear “an' dat chicken-”. Yep, that's the country music station.

It fucking sucks. It eats shit, craps out the shit as shit, then eats that shit. And the singers: they all sound alike. It's like country music CD's should have the same labels as store-brand cereal. “Compare to the Ingredients in Fruit Loops” into “Compare to the Same Shit That Paisley Sings”.

Plus it's all about the same thing. I'm serious, this is my serious face. Here's a list of country songs about life:

“Don't Blink” - Kenny Chesney
“International” Harvester -
“Letters to Me” - Brad Paisley
“Realize” - Colbie Caillat
“Bubbly” - Colbie Caillat
“All American Girl” - Carrie Underwood
“What Kinda Gone” – Chris Cagle
“Teardrops On My Guitar” - Taylor swift
“Pictures to Burn” - Taylor Swift
“Our song” - Taylor Swift
“Famous in a Small Town” - Miranda Lambert

Here's a list of country songs about America:

"America Will Survive" - Hank Williams Jr.
"American Child" - Phil Vassar
"American Soldier" - Toby Keith
"Awful, Beautiful Life" - Darryl Worley
"Born Country" - Alabama
"Bumper of My SUV" - Chely Wright
"Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" - Toby Keith
"God Bless the USA" - Lee Greenwood
"Have You Forgotten" - Darryl Worley
"Letters From Home" - John Michael Montgomery
"Only In America" - Brooks & Dunn
"Riding With Private Malone" - David Ball
"Some Gave All" - Billy Ray Cyrus
"This Ain't No Rag (It's a Flag)" - Charlie Daniels Band
"Where the Stars and Stripes and the Eagle Fly" - Aaron Tippin

I could go on with this, but I know you're probably in as much pain as I am, so I'll leave it at that.

Oh yeah. Fuck Alan Jackson and his “Where Were You” song. “Hmm, what am I gonna do on the brink of such a major tragedy. Make a profit!”

And that's why country music is a buncha crap.

-Originally Posted by TS

Staying Glued - Darkman

2011-02-16T10:37:00.000-08:00

We all had movies we'd sneak in as a kid; those PG-13 to R-rated gems mum would never let us see, but we saw anyway. Whether it be at a friends house or your dad's house, those films are what made us the viewing consumers of today. A lot of people who follow this ideal list their forbidden flicks as usually "Alien" or "Batman". These were mine as well, but something that stuck more than a man in a bat suit was Liam Neeson in bandages. I'm speaking, of course, about Darkman.

What I'd expect Liam Neeson to look like on any given day.

Oh yes, Darkman. A little-known, but well-loved, 1990 hero flick directed by Sam Raimi. for those who don't know, Sam Raimi is the man behind the Evil Dead series, and most notable for every single Spiderman film. Even Three. Darkman came to be right after the filming of Evil Dead 2, and it follows the same vein: it's just plain wacky.

It can best be described as a Batman-Phantom of the Opera-Three Stooges skit crossover. It's as funny as it is dark, and is a weird concoction of both strange Tim Burton-esque stylization and unrelenting loneliness. It's the comic book hero in a Scissorhands world.

We're about to find out.

The film opens with the silliest gang bust I've ever seen in a movie. Let me try to sum it up for you: it involves two sides of a gang war, one led by our main villain Robert Durant, a busted racketeering deal, cars flying out of boxes, a wooden leg gun, two mullets and a wig, a black man to end all black men, and the most horrific rendition of "This Little Piggy" ever put on screen. And this is the movie at it's sanest. It's ten minutes of off-the-wall, bone-splintering action, and it's the prologue to the consistent ferocity that is to come.

It then turns the scene to our hero Peyton Westlake, played by a young Liam Neeson. Though you wouldn't really know that cause the man looks like he never ages. He's like Keanu Reeves, they have a permanent botox about them.

It explains quite a bit.

Westlake, along with his quintessential Asian lab mate, are trying to replicate human tissue, recreating full parts of the human body to replace noses, ears, and even whole faces of burn victims. The only problem is, the replicated tissue only lasts for 99 minutes in the light. This sets up for one of the coolest power / non-power of any human-bound superhero, at restriction. Peyton's also married to the chick from Fargo, diving through a two-minute romance that is sure to end in a fiery death. A death made possible by our Durant, the psycho from the gang bust.

The whole drive to the plot of the villains, what makes them chase down Westlake, fry apart everything he loves, take his life and identity in the end, murder and destroy a lot of innocents is: real estate. The gangsters, and Durant, are in it for a fine piece of beach-front property. A little slack in the plot, but not totally diminishing of the entire movie.

"You gots a problem with the two-story? My friend Tony here says otherwise."

So they almost kill Westlake for an important memo. I won't go too much into detail, but it leaves the Asian guy dead, the lab destroyed, and Westlake in a charring mess in the hospital, now without the brain receptors to feel. Otherwise, the burns would cause him to "scream for the rest of his life".

Westlake goes back, now sporting bandages like the Phantom does masks, and picks up what remains of his lab. He sets up shop in an abandoned warehouse (cause what foreboding hero wouldn't be without a abandoned warehouse) and begins replicating human tissue again, at the hopes of replicating his face to be with his wife once more. This process, though, will take a little more than a month, so Westlake spends the time taking pictures of Durant's thugs, replicating their faces, and going on a revenge spree that leads all the way up to Durant.

You got all that? It's basically 90 minutes of Liam in a new face, impersonate gangster, get gangster killed, follow Durant. All ending at the climax: a construction site battle high above the nighttime city skyline. I won't give away the ending, like I haven't given away a lot of the plot, but it sets up for a sequel. Which happened.Twice. Don't watch either of them, they're dumber than this one.

Darkman now played by the giant sand face from The Mummy.

At only a glance, Darkman is just plain silly; and that's the fun of it. If you take it too seriously, or view it as more dark than anything, you're going to miss the whole point of it. It's bizarre, it's messed up, and it's at its core a very cool flick. Go give it a rental, avoid the sequels, and keep checking out all Raimi's films. Up to the Spiderman-era, they all follow the same brand of cookyness.

Being that that's the last word I can find for 'strange', I'm out. Stay glued.

"No! Not a sequel review! Noooooo. . ."

Porn Review - Shotacon: A brief history, and it's most popular aspects.

2011-02-15T16:57:00.000-08:00

I wanna talk about something that not a lot of people will, at least not openly. And definitely not in a blog. I'm talking about porn classes, the sick denominations of the already twisted pornographic world. They range from animal on animal to Eric Cartman on Danny Phantom, to the store owner from Animal Crossing jerking off in the face of Quentin Tarantino in the background. And in the porn world, that's pretty tame.

The denomination we're covering today is Shotacon. Yeah, you may of heard of it? In normal shotacon, shot for short, it's most associated with boy-on-boy; straight shotacon being girl-on-boy. If you haven't heard of it, and haven't clicked the link, then let me tell you: it's the animated porn of minors. Let me let that sink in. To help that along, here's an example!:

What's really affecting your kids in the classroom? Dick.

If I come off as cynical in this review, please don't take anything by it. It's just that I'm reviewing kids getting dick up their boyhood. I'm not saying I like or dislike it, I'm just giving you the choice. Whether it's legal or not in your country, and whether you view it or not, it all up to you and your penis. Or vagina, if you're really weird. And smell like meat. And write fan fiction.

Shotacon has been in Japanese culture as long as brushed paintings of waves, taking even more of a back-burn due to the rise of moral outcry within the Jap/Otaku community. Yes, the people who bring you tentacled creatures infesting girls in school uniforms will have nothing to do with something as vile as boys fucking. They'll take Urotsukidoji over Boku no Pico, and probably because the penis isn't skyscrapers tall.

The tamest pictures of both films I could find. Really.

After watching the later of these two films (I actually own Urotsukidoji, got it from a Goodwill, more on that in a later review) I realized two things: nose bleeds shouldn't last for an hour, and there were two sequels. They all follow the Pico character (i.e. the blonde kid who looks like he should be sporting a vag), they just add upon the smut by adding another member to the group. Pico x Chico adds in Chico, a brown-haired youth to Pico, who's hobbies include playing naked and watching his sister masturbate. Only in Japan.

The final installment, Pico x CoCo x Chico, add in the trifecta of their boyhood experimentation; Coco is, like them, a feminine girl-boy whose only interests are trading cards and cock. This installment adds a bit of drama to the usual repertoire of 'play in the water and fuck'. The arrival of Coco adds some discernment between Pico and Chico, not used to having to share the other to a new member. Not wanting to, even. Mom always told me to share my toys.

The short ends with the two, Pico and Chico, reconciling and going out to find Coco, who at this point has left under all the tension. They find him atop Tokyo Tower, where each apologizes for the acvtions by having the strangest gangbang I've ever seen. If you haven't seen it, or don't want to, picture this: three boys, on the Eiffel Tower, reenacting the best parts of the Karma Sutra. Even adding two positions together. There's more suck-and-moan here than, well, anything on the WE channel. Bahaha.

Of course there'd be bananas in the picture.

It's one of the most popular series in the shotacon genre, and at the forefront of it all. Pico, and the rest of the cast, embodies the shota name like Batman for DC, or Mario for Nintendo. As bad as those analogies were, Pico's their mascot. But only just one of their stars. Coming up, we'll take a look at another series, and one of shotacon's star artists.