Justamere IVF

Meds

2012-01-27T14:46:00.000-06:00

So as a result of this cycle being a bust I have meds available. I'd like to recoop some of my money, but not looking to turn a profit. Let me know if anyone is interested in the below:

900iu Follistim cartridge
300iu Follistim cartridge
4 boxes of Endometrin
2 boxes of Vivelle patches

I also have countless needles and syringes.

Heartbroken

2012-01-27T10:52:00.000-06:00

My clinic just called. Of my 13 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature for ICSI...but none fertilized. We have zero embryos. None. Zilch. Zero.

I'm heartbroken right now. We have no more insurance coverage. We can't afford another cycle. We're done. This was my worst nightmare. Literally, I was up last night worrying about how things were going. I guess my subconcious knew.

I have no idea how to deal with this right now.

ER

2012-01-26T15:55:00.000-06:00

13 eggs retrieved. Not bad...but F.U.C.K! That is the least amount of eggs I've gotten in 4 cycles. I know I'm older and all...but was really hoping for more. Fert report tomorrow.

Trigger

2012-01-25T10:07:00.000-06:00

I triggered last night at 9:30. I've never used Ovidrel before...so it was strange to me to inject a trigger sub-q instead of IM. But I guess it was a good thing though...for we decided to head to our poker league and I had to trigger in the middle of the tournament. Sub-q's go much faster than an IM.

One thing to note...this cycle...OMG are my nips SORE. My Tshirt rubbing against them feels like sandpaper.

Monitoring Appt #5

2012-01-24T14:30:00.000-06:00

Thank the Lord...I'm triggering tonight. At my appointment this morning the U/S tech thought I might go another day. My largest follie from yesterday vanished so she thought they'd stim me another day...BUT when I called the Lab Line just now...I'm triggering tonight at 9:30pm!!

Right - 19.5, 18, 16, 16, 13, 11
Left - 17, 17, 16.5, 16, 16, 15.5, 13.5, 13.5, 12.5, 10

Though she was having a hard time with my right side. Seems my uterus shifted and was making it hard to see. So I may have one or two more in there.

Lining is 10.1mm
E2 is 3024

My E2 level scares me still. I know anything over 2500 runs the risk of OHSS...but at least it's not as high as the 4200 it was last time.

ER will be Thursday, January 26th at 9:30 am.

If you remember, can you say a little prayer for us on Thursday? They would be much appreciated.

Monitoring Appt #4

2012-01-23T14:40:00.000-06:00

Today is day 11 on stims. The longest I've gone is 12 days. The end is near...I hope.

Right - 21, 18, 17, 14.5, 12.5, 11, 11
Left - 17, 15.5, 15.5, 15, 14, 12, 11.5, 11.5, 10.5

E2 is 2435
Lining 10mm

I only have 2 days worth of Menopur left. One for tonight and one for tomorrow. I hope that's enough.

Monitoring Appt #3

2012-01-22T13:50:00.000-06:00

So I don't have much in the way of numbers today. Only that my E2 was 1971. Because it is the weekend, the doctor actually calls you and he doesn't relay the follie size. I'm to go back tomorrow (another 90 mile drive!!) for another scan. Today I've been on stims 10 days.

Monitoring Appt #2

2012-01-20T16:07:00.000-06:00

Nothing interesting...just for my own records...

Right ovary - 15, 13, 12, 10.5...and more smaller ones
Left ovary - 15, 12, 12, 11, 10.5, 10...and more smaller ones

Lining - 9.5
E2 - 931

Back on Sunday for another wanding and bloodwork

I'm starting to feel a tad bit uncomfortable. Leftie sits right under my uterus...so I feel the "expansion" as follies grow. It also makes the wanding a wee bit painful as well. The lengths we go...

Monitoring Update

2012-01-19T11:58:00.002-06:00

For my records...

monitoring yesterday...

largest follie 12mm. all on left side are less than 10mm. This is after 5 full days on stims.
Lining 7.5
E2 - 340

To freeze or not to freeze

2012-01-17T13:41:00.000-06:00

My clinic just called to talk to me about possibly freezing any remaining embryos we might have after ET. I had to laugh. We've done 3 IVF cycles...and have had 3 viable embryos make it to transfer. We've never had anything to freeze.

But the thought is there. What happens if, with this new clinic, we miraculously end up with 6 or 7 embryos? Obviously, the RE isn't going to transfer all of them back to me. I brought it up with DH...he's not for freezing any. He said we can't afford 3 or 4 kids, that I'm already 35 (too old) and that we can't afford the cost to freeze them ($1200, which I agree, we can't)...I told him that I can't wrap my mind around "throwing away" 3 babies. Because in my head, that's what we'd be doing. He told me that I was being unreasonable and overly emotional about the decision.

How can I NOT be emotional about it? We're talking potential babies here...not just eggs or sperm...but actual embryos.

I don't know why I even bothered bringing it up to him. It's not like we ever get "extras" anyway.

But, I want to know...has anyone ever made the decision to NOT freeze extra embryos? What were your reasons? How did you feel about the decision? Any regrets?

Day 5

2012-01-17T10:43:00.002-06:00

Today is day 5 of stims. I'm slowly starting to feel the bloating in my ovaries. I have my first monitoring appointment tomorrow morning. I'm also going to be transporting DH's frozen sperm from our old clinic to the new one in prep for our ER next week.

NEXT WEEK!!!???

Holy shit...I'm so not mentally prepared for this cycle. I've been so busy with other things that I haven't really been thinking about this cycle.

Clear

2012-01-11T15:10:00.001-06:00

I'm clear to start stims on Friday.

225u of Follistim in the mornings
75u of Menopur in the evenings
reduce Lupron to 5u

My lining was 2.4 and my E2 less than 15.

Here we go.

Baseline

2012-01-11T10:43:00.000-06:00

I had my baseline b/w & US this morning. I'll find out after 2:30 if I'm clear to start stims on Friday!!

It was interesting sitting in the waiting room and seeing all the women come in. At my old, much larger, clinic...we weren't on any "schedule" per se. Meaning the ER's and ET's were not scheduled for a particular week during the month, and monitoring was able to be done at the satellite offices, so there weren't many people in the waiting room. This clinic is much smaller, operates on a "schedule", and only does monitoring at one location. So there were about 10 women in the waiting room with me.

I was surprised at how easily I was able to guess which ones appeared to be "first timers" and which ones were "vets". The first timers sat in the waiting room, either giddy with excitement or sick with nervousness. They couldn't focus enough to read a book or magazine. Their partners were by their sides, equally giddy or nervous. There were about 4 of those women in the waiting room this morning.

The vets on the other hand, were there alone...seemingly aloof...oblivious to anything going on around them...consumed by their book/ipod/magazine. But you could see it in their faces. The worry. The apprehension. Their wish to be the giddy, nervous one. The first timer. I sat included. Wishing I didn't know that out of the 10 of us...maybe 5 would get a BFP...and of those 5...maybe 3 would get take home babies. I wish I didn't know all the things that DO go wrong.

I'm more nervous for this cycle that I was a week ago. Some of that has to do with things that have been going on here at home...but most of it is because I'm afraid of a BFN. But yet, I'm afraid of a BFP too. Because a BFP doesn't mean a take home baby. And I'm not sure my heart can take much more.

Happy New Year

2012-01-03T14:35:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year everyone! 2012...man...where has the time gone.

Last Friday we received awesome news in the mail...DH was approved for his unemployment benefits! We're so happy that we will have some additional income coming in other than mine. We were really stressing out on how we were going to pay all the bills in January. Now, we should be able to.

NYE was spent with my best friend and her husband at our house. We celebrated with Lexi around 9pm and she got to pop some of those popper things that have the streamers in them. She was asleep by 9:30. It was low key and just what I liked.

Saturday was also my last bcp. So I'm expecting AF to come any day. The Lupron isn't so bad. I haven't had any headaches or hot flashes yet. But I'm only a week in so it can still come. My baseline is the 11th.

Now onto another dilemma. There is one salesperson that I support that all through the year he'd joke whenever I got him out of a jam that he'd make sure I was taken care of at Christmas. Today, I received a check in the mail...drawn of his personal account...for $250.00. I'm speechless. I was in tears...I don't know if I can accept this. When I talked to him he said that I better accept it and if I don't cash the check he'll just keep sending me a new one, or will send me cash via Fed Ex. He said that the only reason he made his sales goal this year and was successful was because of the help and assistance I provided him. I tried to tell him that that's what I was hired for, that he doesn't need to give me any extras...but he's not taking no for an answer. I have a call into my boss...I don't want to get in trouble for accepting his gift...but this extra money would go along ways now that DH isn't working. He calls it revenue share, since he got paid commission on deals that I worked on. Would it be wrong to accept this from him?

Catching Up

2011-12-28T09:52:00.000-06:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I know we did. We took Lexi ice skating on the 23rd in the city. She had a blast...and has been asking to go back since. She was actually able to skate a few feet all on her own before falling down. Which is more than I can do! I was on the ice in my sneakers! LOL!

Christmas Eve was spent at the in laws as usual and Christmas Day we hosted here. Santa...aka Daddy...came to visit Lexi and presented her with 2 very special presents. One was the roller skates she had been asking for since Halloween. She was so happy to get them she had to try them out right away. The other very special present was her big girl bed. Daddy had worked on it for a few weeks getting it painted, roughed up and decorated to look like an old rustic bed. Her name is painted on the foot board and there is a lasso on it as well. It's her "Jessie" bed. She seemed to like it, but when naptime and bedtime came around that day she started out in the bed but ended up in the crib. Monday she slept in the bed for nap and bedtime...and yesterday, while she was at school, we removed the crib from her room. She slept in her bed last night with no complaints. I hope she continues to do well in it.

I started Lupron on the 27th in prep for this cycle. My parents are lending us the $1100 to cover the Cobra premium for January. DH went today to take the post office exam...hoping something comes of it. His old employer is contesting the unemployment and he had his "interview" with the local office yesterday...we should know if he'll get any benefits within a week or so. The good thing is, if approved it is retroactive back to the 14th of December...so that first check will be nice.

I'm still afraid of what's going to happen. I still feel like it's not responsible to try to bring another baby into this world when we don't know how we're going to pay our mortgage...but I know we may never have another chance at this...and I know our financial situation is only temporary. So I'm going into this cycle with the mentality that if it's meant to be, it will be.

Whirlwind of emotions

2011-12-15T11:01:00.000-06:00

OMG this week has just been a whirlwind. If you recall, our IVF cycle was cancelled back in November because my TSH levels were crazy high...and I went on Dec 1st for repeat bloodwork. TSH came back at 2.3, not below the 2 the RE wanted. HOWEVER, the nurse had told me to get a letter from my Endo stating I was under her care and that she was comfortable with us proceeding and the nurse would see if the RE would sign off on a January cycle.

I found out on Monday that he DID sign off on it. So we were a go for an IVF in January...our insurance would lapse on 2/29/12 and we'd be done well before then. Things were looking up.

Then, yesterday DH lost his job. His job that carried the insurance for the IVF. So on top of the financial strain of losing his income, we were faced with not being able to do the IVF again because the insurance will now lapse at the end of this month.

Then I think...HELLO! COBRA! Yes, the premiums would be astronomical, but it's still less expensive than paying for a cycle out of pocket. And we'd only need it for January...to cover the ER and ET. Everything else I can send through our other insurance carrier.

But then I started thinking last night...maybe this was God's way of telling us we aren't supposed to cycle...I mean, it was cancelled...then he loses his job. And what responsible people try to bring another child into the world when their own financial future is uncertain? But then I think that we may not have another chance at this. Even if he got another job tomorrow...there is no guarantee they will offer IVF coverage. MY job doesn't. That's why we took the 2nd policy through his job. I want to move forward. I really, really do. My heart is saying YES YES YES...but the logical part of my mind is saying...THINK THIS THROUGH!

What would you do?

Oh...and my schedule for the IVF is:

Begin Lupron 12/27/11
Last active bcp 12/31/11
Baseline U/S 1/11/12
Start Stims 1/13/12
ER & ET week of 1/23/12

A different place

2011-12-09T14:50:00.000-06:00

http://hurtingontheinside.wordpress.com

Email me for password.

I will still be here...just not right now.

January

2011-11-30T13:15:00.000-06:00

A January IVF cycle is a no go I believe. I just got my TSH levels back from my bloodtest last week. 2.310. I huge decrease from 5.3...but still not below the 2 that the RE wants. So now I wait...

Black Friday

2011-11-25T10:22:00.000-06:00

I was never a Black Friday shopper. Mostly because, when I was old enough to have money of my own, I was usually working. From the time I started working, the Friday after Thanksgiving was never one I was able to take off. Which meant I had to get up at the butt crack of dawn to commute into the city for work. I used to drive past all the stores with people lined up outside (back when stores opened at 6am on Black Friday) waiting to get in and a little part of me was jealous that they got to get all the great deals and I had to work.

Fast forward to last year. My mom and I decided to brave T0ys R Us for their midnight opening. She waited in the warm car while I froze my butt off in line. We got some great deals on things. But that was it. We were home by 1am.

This year we decided to try Wally Mart for the 10pm sale. We had two things on our list...the memory foam bath mats (don't laugh, they are awesome!) and a twin size bedding set for Lexi's big girl bed she's getting. Toy Story was requested by the princess herself.

OH. MY. GOD. NEVER. AGAIN. We should have known how crazy it was going to be based on the fact that the parking lot was completely full at 9:30 when we got there. We lucked out and found someone leaving and got their space, but people were parking in the nearby Bank parking lot. In the drive thru teller line. In the ATM line!

Anyway, we went in and quickly found the bath mats...but it wasn't 10pm yet so we had to stand in line...yes...there was a LINE for bath mats. While my mom stood in line, I sought out a manager (yes, there was a manager to be found) and asked where the kids bedding sets might be located...since everything was all over. (I kid you not, they had moved ALL the baby clothes into the grocery section and filled that area with pallets of DVDs). He told me that they hadn't been able to find the bedding and he didn't think it was out. So I went back in line with my mom...only to hear a HUGE commotion from where I came from. Some people had started ripping into the shrink wrap that held the 10pm sale merchandise. And this particular merchandise was SHEETS! SHEETS! Not TV's...NOT Laptops...SHEETS! The manager called security and fights broke out. It wasn't 10pm yet, but once people saw them ripping into the shrink wrap it was every man for himself. People just started ripping into things and grabbing whatever they could. I don't even think people were looking at what they were grabbing.

My mom and I did come away with 5 bathmats...3 for her and 2 for me...unscathed. BUT get this. I asked the manager, who was back picking up dropped/thrown/discarded merchandise from the floor, where, if they had the bedding sets, would they have put them. He directed me to the kids section. My mom and I decided we'd take a walk back there to see...after pushing our way through the electronics department (OMG really people...some of those movie titles are 20 years old. $5 isn't a sale...you can get those for $5 on a regular day) we came to a clearing in the store. And I found the pallet of bedding. No Toy Story, one princess and a few Mickey M0use were all that were left. But, what is that I see out of the corner of my eye? There...kicked under a display of socks 20 feet away. Is that Woody's face I see? Why it is!! I managed to come away with the LAST Toy Story bedding set.

Yes, I braved the Black Friday crowds for 2 bath mats and a Toy Story bedding set. But to see the sparkle in my girl's eyes when she sees it on her custom made Jessie bed (custom made by Daddy)...will make it all worth it. Will I brave Black Friday again? Maybe. I'll never be the "plan it all out hit a zillion stores, stay up all night" type of Black Friday shopper. But I can fight the crowd for the one item my girl really wants...and if I lose and don't get it, I can say I tried...but if I win...well, seeing her face light up will be gift enough for me.

Are you a Black Friday shopper? If so, how "all out" do you go?

What I'm thankful for

2011-11-22T10:12:00.000-06:00

This season I've decided to try to put things in perspective for myself and write down all the things I'm thankful for instead of dwelling on things I don't have.

So this year, I'm thankful for:

My health. I've had a few scares this year and I'm thankful that I am healthy.

My daughter. After 2 1/2 years, I still look at her with awe and so much love. She means the world to me.

My husband. We've had lots of ups and downs this year and despite all my flaws, some that were "secret" until recently, he still loves me. And for that, I'm VERY grateful.

My home. I have a roof over our heads. Nuf said

My job. In this economy, I am thankful for everyday I have this job. I know what a blessing it was to change jobs willingly in such a poor economy. This job gives me the freedom to have a life outside of my career.

My family. They have proven over and over that they are fully invested in our lives and in our daughter's life.

My mom. I have to single her out. She gives up 3 nights and 3 days of her time to stay at my house to watch Lexi. And she does it with no complaints of being away from my dad and things she needs to get done at her house. She has saved us SO much in the form of daycare costs...and when I was working in an office, would have dinner made when we got home. So thankful for her.

My best friend. OMG what to say about her. She's been my rock...offering a shoulder to cry on...good times...and fond memories. I've known her for 20 years and I can see us being friends well into our senior years. She is so active with Lexi and loves her tremendously. She is my sister, in every way. I love her dearly.

My friends. Both IRL and afar. The support I get from my friends has gotten me through some of my darkest moments. Whether on FB, on this blog, via email or G00gle talk, or in person...I know I can connect with them and they will understand. I wish some of you lived closer! But I'm thankful for each of you.

I know there are probably more things that I could list...but these are the top ones. I hope to look back on this post when I'm feeling down in the dumps and remember all the good things I have in my life.

1 year

2011-11-12T09:39:00.000-06:00

Today marks the one year mark since my miscarriage. Actually, it's the anniversary of my D&C...but since I had over a month of ups and downs, this is the day that stands out in my heart. The day it truly ended. I still think about that baby...and what might have been. But my heart isn't as heavy as it once was.

I am ever thankful for the little girl I do have. The one who has become quite opinionated and spunky. Who tells me everyday, I love you mommy. Having her to hug and hold made my loss slightly easier. She won't ever remember that she had a sibling, if ever so briefly. All I can do is remember for her...

ALL CLEAR!

2011-11-07T17:47:00.000-06:00

I had my follow up mammogram today and ultrasound. After 2 hours at the hospital I finally got the all clear. I have very dense breasts and the "area of concern" was in fact the mole I have. I can not begin to tell you the relief that flooded through me when I got the results. I'm very happy today.

Day 6: From a low angle

2011-11-06T09:45:00.000-06:00

I know it's not a low angle...but I love this photo.

Day 5: From a high angle

2011-11-05T09:43:00.000-05:00

Taken at the pumpkin farm this year.

Day 4: Something Green.

2011-11-04T11:27:00.000-05:00

Somthing we are using ALOT of around here lately to offset the other "green" things coming out of little noses. I'll spare you a picture of THAT.