Incomplete love story

High on Emotions!

2020-09-10T02:24:00.000+05:30

We all are high on emotions right now. We all are highly anxious these days. The new normal has not just changed our lives, but it has also affected the way we think. People are losing their jobs some are not being paid on time, many are struggling to accept the new normal and, gradually, it has started taking a toll on each one of us mentally.

Initially, when this started we were not sure about how long it was going to last. But there was hope. We all began the new normal with a lot of energy because we hoped that it might subside soon and things will get back to normal. But it turned out differently. We never thought that it will continue at its pace and, now it seems like a never-ending dream, which is gradually turning into a nightmare.

We never thought that a year would pass by in a blink and we won't have any control over anything. Be it our professional or personal life; there is zero productivity in terms of what we had planned and how things have turned out to be. We never thought that it will gradually start driving all of us crazy.

If you look around, all you can see and feel is chaos. There is chaos everywhere. Even in our head, it is chaotic. There is no good news. There is only bad news. Every day we wake up with a newly found energy and determination but, by the time we go to bed, we know we have lost another battle.

Amid this chaos, we all are trying to rebuild and reinvent ourselves in a new way so we can adapt to the new normal. But how long we will be able to hold ourselves together is the bigger question here. Each day, we all are slowly losing a part of ourselves. We are gradually losing a part of our soul each day.

We all are surrounded by immense darkness right now and, it is so dark out there that it seems it has become impossible to find the light. But we have to be patient. Patient enough to let this darkness slip through our fingers and try finding the light within ourselves. We have to burn a part of our dream, part of our thought, part of our plan and, a part of us may be to find the light.

Difficult times lie ahead and, we are yet to find a solution to put an end to this never-ending battle. The battle that we all are raging in our heads and our hearts. What seemed certain earlier now has become blurry. What seemed under control until now suddenly feels going out of control. We are losing the grip each day and, as the sun sets in the evening and the night begins, we are not sure whether we will survive to see the light of the day.

But the dawn comes each day and what earlier was full of hopes and aspirations has suddenly become taxing and, we are just struggling every day to move ahead in life. Our head is not in the right place most of the time, and we are still struggling to put it in the right place.

A second chance to introspect and live a little differently!

2020-06-16T18:58:00.003+05:30

The grass is greener, the light is brighter, the sky is clearer, and the nights are beautiful. In the summer of 2020, we keep hearing news of how the earth is healing while humans, who are supposedly the ruler of our planet, are dying. Animals are wandering everywhere. Some say they are coming back to reclaim what belonged to them. We are caged inside our houses while the wild ventures out in the open.

Maybe all of this happened to give us a sign. Maybe it happened to shake us up and wake us up from our deep slumber where all we have done in the past is exploit the place where we have survived for so long. A second chance indeed to introspect on our lives and the way we have been living.

My lockdown of over two months went by in doing what I do the best - observe. As a spectator, all I did this summer was to observe how people were reacting to it. Sometimes it is fun to remain a spectator and not join the race. You only look at the world from a third-person view, and all you need is popcorn in your hand to make it a crispy ride.

Some learnt to cook while some learnt to play the guitar. It felt good to know that people utilized this lockdown in doing something meaningful or something that made them feel alive. Some painted their canvas of dreams with their aspirations while some made changes in their lifestyle.

Meanwhile, I also learnt how to stay at home. I think this could be the biggest thing that I have learnt in my life.

I am a free bird who does not like to be caged. When this lockdown was announced, my only thought was how will I survive at home. You see, I have lived alone for a long time in my life. For almost 13 years and all those years, I have not spent a lot of time sitting at home as that was one thing that I couldn't do. I enjoy going out and meeting new people, exploring places and learning new things. When it was announced that from now on we have to stay indoors for an indefinite period, I had no clue how will I spend my days.

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months here I am still locked inside a house, but, now it is a little convenient for me. It has become a habit to stay at home. I have watched numerous movies, TV series, experimented with my culinary skills in the kitchen and spent time plotting and writing my second novel. It is still in process, and hopefully, I will be able to make some announcements soon.

All you see around now are the reflections of what our inner self always wanted to do, but we were busy in building a life that can be left without meaning. In one stroke, everything can be washed away. This is how life is. Not everyone gets a second chance to reboot. As species, I think, we humans have got our second chance of this century.

The world that soon opens up will be a different one. It will never look the same. You will always have to smile from behind a mask and be afraid to come in contact with people. Well, not all the time but for a few years. But it will never be the same. We have got a second chance to do things differently in this world. Not every living generation gets to be a part of history. It is our second chance to make a difference in our lives, even if it is by a small margin.

The Blog train THE PANDEMIC THAT CHANGED OUR LIFE UPSIDE DOWN initiated by blogger Ila Varma to bring the bloggers together to share numerous experiences of #pandemiclockdown2020. I would like to thank Abhijit Bangal for introducing me in the last post and I would like to introduce Ghazala Nadeem. Let us hear their experiences about the lockdown.

#quarantine #staysafestayhome #quarantineedition #pandemicdiaries2020 #positivityinlockdown #quarantineparenting #workingfromhome #boredombuster

Thank You 2019 for Everything!

2019-12-31T18:33:00.002+05:30

If anyone asks me to explain 2019 in one word, I would say “Beautiful”. The year started with a bang and is ending with a bang. That’s what makes 2019 the beautiful year it was. I think so far, this has been the best year of my life. Not because of one reason but multiple events combined to make this year the most special that it is, and I will always look back and cherish the days I have spent.

It started with me trying to find a place in a completely new work environment and handling new profile. I never expected I would do so well in my new work profile that I would be asked by the management to represent the organization on a global platform. I never expected that within a month of my joining, I will be representing the organization in a global conference. The year started with my first ever international trip to Colombia, South America where I tried public speaking for the first time, and it was amazing. I was nervous for sure but the fact that I have come a long way gave me the confidence to put things into perspective and give a session on Communication Strategies.

Bogota, as a city, was amazing and beautiful in its own way. Roaming alone on the streets of Bogota, continents away from my home, was a satisfying feeling and I remember I felt at peace. If this part was beautiful, what came next was something emotional for me.

My debut book launch. I had tears in my eyes on August 19, 2019, when my debut novel Shadow of the Past went live online and across all leading bookstores in India. I had waited for this moment all my life. From the day, I decided to become a writer to the day I became one I had always imagined these moments in the theatre of my head and when I was living my dream it was something beautiful and emotional at the same time.

I could have never asked for anything more from life other than allowing me to wander into the unknown and live my dream. I know now how it feels when you live your dream. How you feel when your dreams turn into reality. The energy that you feel within you resonates at the same frequency of this universe and this gives you the confidence and the courage to keep moving forward and achieve much more!

It was in the year 2010 when I had decided that I want to become a writer. Back then, I was not as polished as I am today for sure, but I had this dream. Suddenly, I realized that I have this ability to tell a story. But I was afraid about what others may think, how people would laugh at me for this silly thought and I didn’t know how to face my parents who were expecting another engineer in the family. But I kept these thoughts aside and decided to write a book.

I wrote my first book “Life’s Unpredictable” in 2012. It received 19 rejections and never got published. Many publishers told me to come up with a love story because “Life’s Unpredictable” was a dark story about life and not many people would like to read something like this coming from a young author like me.

I feel I was not ready to become a writer back then. I stopped writing for the next two years and decided to focus on my studies. It was a terrible idea though but then there are times when you realize that maybe people who said you were chasing impossible were right or maybe I was not destined to become a writer and I was maybe living in a bubble which I had to break and see the reality.

But thanks to the placement drive and the 20 back-to-back rejections I faced. This made me realize what I really wanted from my life and how badly I wanted to change the direction of my ship. Amid all this, I told my parents about my dream and asked them to give me one last chance and I will never disappoint them. Since then I have never looked back. I have only marched forward.

I joined a journalism school in Delhi in 2014, and since then the journey has been beautiful. Yes, there were a lot of ups and downs. I am not saying that every day of these past 5 years was beautiful. There were many days when I was shattered, broken and lost and there were many instances when I felt defeated by life. But what I didn’t do or can say did differently this time was I continued moving forward without caring about the world.

This finally helped me to get my first book contract in 2017 and since then I have been waiting for the day when my book will be out, and people would read and tell me how they feel about it. This year, this turned into reality and everything that I had imagined in the theatre of my head was happening right in front of my eyes.

The cherry on top in my case was my decision of moving to Bangalore, which I was trying to do from the past two years but somehow things were not in my favours. But this year, even that became a reality. Bangalore has always been quite close to my heart. I was born here. I am not a Kannadiga. I am from Bihar, but my heart belongs to Bangalore. And now, when I am here, I think 2019 has been generous to me despite all the hard times. In the end, what matters is how far have you reached.

It has been four months since my book went live and I cannot complain. Life has been good. Definitely, a roller-coaster ride with a lot of ups and downs but what matters more is when you reach the place you always wanted to reach. That feeling is unmatchable.

Every day, when I wake up and I see reviews of my book, messages from readers or sometimes getting recognized publicly (rarely), it fills my heart with immense happiness and peace. I cannot ask for anything more. But I also understand that this is just the beginning and from here on the real journey begins and I have to do a lot and achieve much more.

I also feel it is important to sometimes take a pause and reflect on what you have done and pat yourself on your back for making through the tough times and sailing through the rough sea to being patient amid the storm of life.

For all the scars life and people gave you, for all the things that crushed you from within but yet you continued your journey to be what you always wanted to be, you have to take a step back and express gratitude to the world, to life, to universe, to people who helped you throughout or supported you endlessly but most importantly, you need to thank yourself for doing what was necessary. We don’t thank ourselves, but we should.

We are always busy in making others happy and we often forget to keep ourselves happy. You need to fill your bucket first, let it overflow and then you will be able to give. If your bucket is empty or half-filled, then you cannot give it to anyone.

And on this last day of 2019, I am taking a pause from my busy life and thanking this beautiful year for all the things it gave me and for all the hard times because, at the end of the day, life is nothing but a bundle of experiences and it makes you a better human if you learn from mistakes and continue to march forward to achieve what you want to. You are invincible and you can achieve anything only if you set your mind and heart to it. It won’t be easy. It will be difficult. Life will test you at every signal and sometimes it will tear you apart but then you have to dust yourself, get up and keep moving forward. And a day will come when you will feel that peace you have been longing for from a long time.

With a lot more to come in 2020 and to many more experiences in life, I put my fingers to rest. Thank you 2019 for giving me my best moments which I am going to cherish all my life for sure! Wish you all a Happy New Year!!!! Live your dream.

The Last-Minute Flight - Part II

2019-04-12T13:10:00.002+05:30

The cab reached my place. The driver’s voice brought me back to the real world. I paid him cash and got down. I sat down near the gate of my building. I wanted to run away. And then my phone beeped. It was a message from her. My tickets were booked again. And this time via Amsterdam. She said. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I read it twice. I felt relieved. She said that my presence meant important to them and so they cancelled my existing ticket and booked another one for the next night. I was excited again.

But this time, my flight was at night. I was supposed to go to Mumbai from New Delhi and then from Mumbai to Amsterdam and from Amsterdam to Bogota. I had back to back flights with hardly any break in between. I climbed upstairs, unlocked my house and let out a huge sigh of relief. After all, the international trip was still on, I said in my head.

That day, I checked everything at least ten times to ensure that I have all the required documents. There were a few documents that were not even required but to be on the safe side, I took print outs for everything.

I got ready and left home at 6:30 pm sharp. My first flight was at 11:00 pm from New Delhi to Mumbai. I reached the airport and moved to the check-in counter. While the staff on the other side of the counter was busy checking my documents, I had only one thing in mind. “Don’t say I can’t board this flight also,” is what kept circulating in my head.

And I was through. I completed the security check and boarded the flight. But still, I was nervous. I had another flight from Mumbai and I was hoping that nothing goes wrong this time. I reached Mumbai at 1 am. I had 3 hours to kill before my next flight to Amsterdam. I took a stroll across the airport. It was fancy. I went through the security check again and immigration clearance. Still, I was hoping that nothing goes wrong. And I was on the other side now.

Every procedure was completed and there was no issue with anything. But I was still uncertain in my head. After all, my luck has never been on my side most of the time. And so, until I board the flight for Amsterdam, I wouldn’t be sure whether I am going for the visit or not.

I know all this sounds so stupid. But there I was, waiting for my flight. Once, I couldn’t board so I was scared and nervous about what it happens again. And if it does, then I won’t be able to attend the conference.

They announced finally. “Passengers boarding KLM flight from Mumbai to Amsterdam are requested to come at gate number…” I took my stuff and started walking towards the boarding gate. I stood in the queue. As I was moving forward with the crowd, suddenly one staff stopped me.

“Sir, show me your passport please?” He asked me

I handed him over my passport.

“Sir, can you come with me for a moment?” He asked me again

I was nervous again. What did I do now? Several questions kept circulating in my head. He walked with me for a while and said, “Sir, you need to go to that counter and get your ticket registered with the airline. Since you are traveling from New Delhi they need to check your boarding pass here.”

I was confused but not nervous anymore. I went to the counter and asked the staff, “What happened?”

“Nothing Sir. We only need to update it here,” he took my boarding pass and did something on his computer. He handed me back my boarding pass and said, “Sir, you are good to go.”

I let out a huge sigh of relief, took my boarding pass and made my way to board the flight. And that’s how I managed to go on my first international trip. With a little hiccup and confusion here and there but finally, when I took my seat it felt good. But that was not it. There was another hurdle waiting for me at the Amsterdam airport.

I was supposed to reach Amsterdam airport at 8:30 am (as per the new time zone) and my flight was at 9:00 am for Bogota. The boarding gates will get shut by 9:00 am is what I was told. The flight from Mumbai to Amsterdam was comfortable. The food was good, the wine was perfect and so the journey. But the moment my flight landed at Amsterdam airport, I was in a hurry.

I had only 30 minutes to get down from my flight, go through security check and reach the boarding gate. I couldn’t even take a proper picture to update on social media that I was here at the Amsterdam airport.

I hurriedly walked to the security check and requested the staff to let me go first as my flight was in 25 minutes. He just asked me to wait as every passenger had a flight to catch. I was standing there for the first time with people mostly from different countries and all we could hear was a lady shouting at everyone.

She was Indian but had a different accent and the only thing she could say in Hindi was “Rumaal nikaal ke rakhna, pocket mei kuch nahi hona chahiye (take out the handkerchief and keep it in your bad. There shouldn’t be any item in your pocket).

I waited for my turn. I kept checking the time. It was passing quickly. And my boarding gate was not near to the security check counter. I knew once I was done, I had to run and run fast.

After a good ten minutes of waiting there, my turn came. I kept my bag in the scanner and went ahead with the security check. There was a cabin, where you just stand and it will do the needful. There was no need for someone to frisk you. I completed the procedure, collected my bag and checked the time. I had only 7 minutes left before the boarding gates get shut.

And I ran. Without giving any thought to what anyone might think of me, I just ran. It was a sight from many movies or novels or stories I have heard but I didn’t stop even once. I kept running. The only difference was, mostly in stories the guy runs to stop the girl. But here, there was no girl. It was my flight.

I could see the staff waiting at the boarding gate. All passengers had boarded till then and she was about to close the boarding gate when she saw me running. I reached there, panting like a dog, handed her my passport and boarding pass. She passed a smile and wished me a safe journey. I was on the flight. I was now anyhow going to Bogota, it was final. I knew nothing could stop me from reaching Colombia now.

Source: https://depositphotos.com/83815368/stock-photo-schiphol-amsterdam-airport-train-terminal.html

The Last-Minute Flight - Part I

2019-04-05T12:44:00.001+05:30

There are two feelings when you live in a place. You either feel like a stranger or you feel as if you belong to that place. But there is one more feeling. It is a mix of both. A combination of both. You feel like a stranger at the same time a feeling of belonging exists.

I felt the same way when I visited Bogota, Colombia in the month of February. I was thousands of miles away from my homeland and I felt like a stranger in the city yet the city gave me a feeling of belonging. But the story of how I managed to reach there sounds funny to me now.

I remember in the month of January, I was ecstatic about visiting this country. My tickets were booked. My visa got approved. Everything was going smoothly. And in the back of my head, there was only one question – How things can go so smoothly in my life? And also, I said a silent prayer in my head. “Please, save the adventures for the new place!”

I was supposed to reach Bogota via Frankfurt, Germany. Since I was invited to a global conference; I had no role in the booking of tickets. I was doing what I was asked to do. The night arrived finally. I was at Delhi International Airport, waiting for my turn at the check-in counter. This was the first time I was going for an international visit. I was nervous.

My turn came. The guy behind the desk called me and passed me a smile. I handed him my passport, e-visa and tickets. The guy took a good look and started typing something on his computer. He checked my e-visa twice, cleared his throat and asked me.

“Where is your German visa, sir?”

I was confused. I was going to Colombia and I had a Colombian visa. I cross-checked with him once to ensure that what I have heard is right.

“Sir, you need a German visa. You cannot board this flight,” he said.

“But I am going to Colombia,” I kept a straight face but in my head, I was pretty messed up now.

“Sir, as per German law you need to have a visa even if you want to spend 5 minutes on the airport,” he said.

“But I wasn’t told. Travel agents booked my tickets and I was unaware of this,” I replied.

“Sir, that’s the problem. People don’t check the details,” he said.

“So, what should I do now? I have to reach there at any cost,” I replied. I was in panic mode now.

“Sir, you can book via Amsterdam. You don’t require any transit visa for the same,” he said.

I stood there for a while. I had no clue what to do now. It was 1 am at night. I was sad at the same time frustrated hearing about the new development.

“Can you guys do something? Maybe speak to other airlines and adjust the booked ticket somehow,” I requested him.

He dialled a number; spoke to someone on the other side. Maybe his senior. He nodded twice, kept the phone and said, “Sir, we are extremely sorry. We cannot do anything. You will have to move now. Other passengers are waiting.”

I grabbed my stuff and moved aside. I kept my passport and tickets in my pocket and made my way back to the exit gate. I stopped mid-way. “This cannot be the end of my first international trip,” I said in my head.

I bought a bottle of water and took a few sips. I sat down nearby and started browsing through the contact list in my phone. And then it clicked.

I texted the person, who was looking after my bookings and left her a message. I had no clue whether it will work or not. But there was a need to apprise them about this fuck up. After all, I was supposed to give a session at the global conference.

I sat there watching people happily going for security checks and immigration clearance. I felt guilty too. I should have checked. Suddenly, my phone beeped. It was a new message. She replied. I felt relieved partly. But after reading the message, I was disappointed again. She was asking me to book a new ticket and they will reimburse me later on. She apologized as even she didn’t know I required a German visa for transit purpose.

I told her I cannot book a ticket as of now as it was too costly and requested her to send me the minutes of the meeting later on. I told myself – it is not happening – and got up. I walked up to the airline guy and requested him to escort me out from the departure terminal.

I walked out and booked a cab back home. On the way back, I was feeling depressed again. This was my chance to get out of the country but here I was so close yet couldn’t board. I checked my watch. It said 3 am. Boarding must have been done by now.

The cab reached my place. Driver’s voice brought me back to the real world. I paid him cash and got down. I sat down near the gate of my building. I wanted to run away. And then my phone beeped. It was a message from her. My tickets were booked again. And this time via Amsterdam. She said. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I read it twice. I felt relieved. She said that my presence meant important to them and so they cancelled my existing ticket and booked another one for the next night. I was excited again.

To be continued…

Source: https://creativeconnections.org/portfolio/bam-airport/

Into the wild...

2018-12-15T12:46:00.002+05:30


Source: https://www.thrillophilia.com/tours/hire-a-guide-in-kasol

"We are all prisoners of our mind. When we travel, we open the doors of the cage, where we have imprisoned our mind. And when we let our mind to wander, eventually we find peace..."

The air is so fresh, the ambience so soothing and everything here seems so peaceful. I am in Kasol, Himachal Pradesh on a solo trip. I am sitting by the riverside and all I can hear is the sound of waves flowing effortlessly. But even the sound of waves is so soothing that I feel immensely at peace.

There is a range of mountains behind me, a river in front of me and I am surrounded by the trippy forest. What else one could ask for?

Every time a cool breeze greets me, it feels as if it is trying to say something in my ears. As if, it is trying to talk to me. Travelling alone is fun. Although, it feels weird at times, when you pass by a group of people or when you see people enjoying from a distance but it feels great when you randomly bump into people and hang around with strangers.

These are people, whom you have never met and never possibly meet in the future.

There are people, who think it is sad to travel alone. They feel that people, who travel alone are in a need of company and they look down upon you with a great amount of sympathy in their eyes.

But it takes a lot to wander alone. When you are travelling alone, you are no one and also you are someone. You can be anyone you wish to be. You don't have to pretend to be someone. Or you can pretend to be anyone.

When you are travelling with someone, you have to be someone too. You are either a friend or someone's boyfriend/girlfriend. You are either someone's husband/wife or son/daughter. You are either someone's father/mother or brother/sister. But you are someone.

But when you are wandering alone, you are just yourself and nothing more. You are in your most original form, the only form you feel you can't show it to anyone dear to you because you are afraid of being judged. But now you are not afraid of being judged by anyone.

You meet new people, you listen to their stories, you come across new experiences and then you bid goodbye to these people. Sometimes there isn't any goodbye. Suddenly, for a time being your life is connected with their lives. And when you bid them goodbye, you carry ahead with your life. You are back to your own world, with your own people but this time with a better perspective.

Sometimes, the stories that you hear and the experiences that you come across, change the way you look at life. It sometimes changes you as a person. And then you are never the same.

The only way we can evolve and keep evolving is when we give others a chance to express themselves and we do nothing but just sit back and listen to what they have to say. When you are listening, you are always learning. When you are talking, you will only talk about things that you already know. You are not gaining anything and the only person that is gaining anything out of it is the one listening to your story.

It does get boring at times when you have to eat alone or maybe sit alone. But once, you have learned to enjoy your own company, you can enjoy it with anyone.

The last leg of this trip proved out to be one of the memorable ones. I was supposed to return back to Delhi but then I don't know what happened. I woke up that day and felt like staying for another day. I needed one more day, I told myself.

Everything here is so fresh and pure that you don't feel like going back to the impure world.

You don't feel like going back to the simulation, where you do what you have been asked to do. You will work until you exhaust yourself and console your heart with the pay cheque that you receive on the last day of every month.

Here, even if you are a millionaire, the mountains don't care about you. You will have to climb to the top like every other soul. But once you are back to your world, you go back doing what you are best in doing - you wear a mask.

You hide your fear and insecurities beneath that mask. You hide your desires and aspirations beneath that mask. You are smiling but you are not happy from within. You know that you are tired of the materialistic world but you don't want to leave your comfort zone. You tell yourself, this is what I am supposed to do every day and you continue with your life.

You will continue wearing that mask for the rest of the year until you take another vacation and go back being what you are and who you are.

When I came here, I was carrying a baggage on my shoulders of recent past. I felt burdened with pain and grief and despair and betrayal. I felt weak from within. I felt angry from within. I was anxious all the time.

But each day, when I climbed these mountains, I realised I was feeling much lighter. While climbing these mountains, I obviously took a lot of breaks and pauses to catch my breath. And every time, I took a pause, it gave me ample amount of time to reflect.

I was sitting by the roadside, over a few thousands of meters above sea level with a huge mountain facing me. I looked at the gigantic mountain that stood tall in front of me and when I compared the size of my baggage with everything that surrounded me, they all felt too small. And I felt stupid to break my head over and over again for a long time.

Shit happens in life. And then, you move on. There is no point in holding yourself back. There is no point to remain stuck somewhere, which you know is only going to affect you and no good that will ever come out of it.

At the end of the day, what matters is that what you are doing about the issues. If you are doing nothing, then they might never leave you. And so, it is better to accept and embrace those issues and the choices you have made in life.

The choices that you have made, it will lead you somewhere. Some will put you on a dead end but then when you reach there, you have to muster up the courage you retrace your steps back and find a way out of the maze.

I always wonder how beautiful it would have been if I could always travel. It opens up your mind and clears your head. You bunk at cheap motels, carry only what is important and you travel the whole day. You eat new varieties of food, you pen down your thoughts and feel the thrill of belonging to everywhere and at the same time nowhere.

What good one gets out of living in big cities other than stress, boring and mundane life, pollution and the superficial stranger you become to please everyone around you. And you do it in exchange for a bunch of notes that define the entire human race now - money. And the money you make, you give it to everyone around you. You exhaust most of it by paying your bills and fulfilling your needs. You actually don't happen to do much with this money.

But then that is what the society has always taught us. We study, go to school and college and then we get a job. We fall in love and marry someone and start a family. We buy a big house and a big car and work our ass off every day to pay our loans.

You keep working tirelessly and aimlessly, only to fulfill the needs of your family or living up to their expectations or living the way everyone else is living. But why? Because we were told to do so. And so, you have to do it.

No one wants to break the chain and no one thinks about going beyond the obvious. Even if a few think about it, the lessons that were taught since childhood keeps coming back. And those, who break the chain are labelled as bad examples. But why? It takes a lot to survive rather than just leading a comfortable life.

Even I am afraid of telling people that I don't want to settle down at one particular place. I want to change cities every now and then. I want to live across the length and breadth of the world. I want to live across different planes and learn about the world and its existence. I want to explore my limitations and not restrict myself within a shell.

Living without the internet is the most peaceful part of travelling. You are not annoyed by constant notifications and messages and calls. You don't have to worry about replying to the messages or check your emails. And then you realise how much time one can save without using your phone and use that time to maybe explore, write, read, play a sport, listen to music, eat and sleep.

But we eat less, sleep less and spend most of our time either on phone or browsing or being worried about our work. Now, I am sure many people will form an opinion about me. Some would even say that a few days amid mountains have influenced me so much. Well, it only opens me up whenever I come here and I feel really sad when I have to leave this beautiful place. But then like everyone else even I am a part of a chain and unless I don't break it, there is no meaning of leading a superficial life.

Conversations - Part II...

2018-10-06T16:00:00.001+05:30

"There was a time in life, when eating amul chocolates used to be a big deal. When there was a concept of candy, phantom cigarette chocolate, goldspot to quench the thirst and hajmola candy (imli and aam flavour) to relax," he said.

"Then what happened?" She asked

"Life. In the most dramatic and furious way. We grew up. We forgot how to enjoy happiness in small things. When we were small, we could do crazy things. All it took was a towel to become superman. When we were not exposed with the world," he said philosophically.

"Because we were too busy running. Running from people, things, events, past, work and even for eating we don't have time. But why is it so that when we are talking about all this we are feeling at peace? Why is that even we are connected we have forgot to communicate?"

"Because a part of us still resides there. In those narrow lanes and old times. When you had no means to contact people and relied on postman. When people would wait rather than keep calling you if you were late. We have lived both era and we find solace in the era where we were born. Because we are connected to our roots, the origin of our existence," he added.

"What is that one thing that can keep you awake for the entire night?" She asked him

"When you don't get sleep or when I don't know whether you are awake or asleep," he replied

"Why knowing is so important to you?" She asked him

"I don't know the reason. I don't think there should be a reason for everything. There are certain things that is meant to be in a certain way. Our mind can give enough reasons but what a heart feels can never be justified with reasons," he said.

"It is not like I am awake every night when you are not around. I know there are times when it is not possible for you and I try to sleep. But I don't sleep properly. And the day you are around I can sleep all day long without even changing my sides. I don't know why but maybe because my heart feels at home in your arms," he said.

"When I was not in your life, how you used to sleep then?" She asked him again

"I was an insomniac back then," he said with a big grin on his face

"I was empty from within. There was a void that I kept falling into and the day you arrived, I felt as if someone just gave a hand to pull me out of that void. And the reason I don't want to be left alone at night is because I am afraid of falling into that void again. Because I am afraid of becoming an insomniac again and because I love the way you hold me tightly and make me sleep and make me feel at home," he said.

She came closer, held his hand and said, "I will always hold you tightly in my arms and never let you fall in any void. Yes, there will be times when maybe I won't be able to but I will never let you go. I am here and you are home."

"Which is the most beautiful shade of me you adore?" She asked him

"The moment when you wake up in the morning..." He said

"Everyone says it in a hundred different way," she said

"But I can give you a perfect logic behind this," he smirked

"Go on..." She said and stared blankly away in the sky

"When you wake up in the morning that is the most natural form of you. We are in our purest form the moment we wake up from the dream world to come back into the simulation," he said and smiled

"But then why not we are in our purest form when we go to sleep?" She asked him

"Because after spending an entire day in the simulation you cannot jump back to something so you need sleep and after when you are done sleeping you wake up. The moment when the ray of sunlight falls on a portion of your face and when you twitch your lips in annoyance and turn to the other side of the bed but you have become conscious of the simulation. And that moment. That one moment. A moment of few seconds but you are in that form. And I love that shade of most of all your shades..." He said and looked at her...

She couldn't say anything but her one look said everything to him...

"Isn't it strange yet wonderful?" She said looking blankly into the sky.

"Beautiful," they both said in unison as they saw a shooting star..."

Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/jonnybaker/5749440323

Conversations... "Part I"

2018-09-24T01:11:00.001+05:30

"Then what happened?" She asked

"Life. In the most dramatic and furious way. We grew up. We forgot how to enjoy happiness in small things. When we were small, we could do crazy things. All it took was a towel to become superman. When we were not exposed with the world," he said philosophically.

"Because we were too busy running. Running from people, things, events, past, work and even for eating we don't have time. But why is it so that when we are talking about all this we are feeling at peace? Why is that even we are connected we have forgotten how to communicate?" she asked him again

"Because a part of us still resides there. In those narrow lanes and old times. When you had no means to contact people and relied on postman. When people would wait rather than keep calling you if you were late. We have lived both era and we find solace in the era where we were born. Because we are connected to our roots, the origin of our existence," he added.

"Isn't it strange yet wonderful?" She said looking blankly into the sky.

"Beautiful," they both said in unison as they saw a shooting star but they never felt that they were miles apart from each other yet connected. He closed his eyes and made a wish.

"What is happiness?" He asked her out of the blue

"It is the most beautiful feeling to have yet hard to find amid the maze of life," she replied

There was a brief pause as both of them smiled thinking about this.

"Then why don't we put some effort to make it happen?" She asked him

"Because maybe we are too busy solving the complexities of our lives that we forget about happiness at all," he said staring blankly at the ceiling of his room.

"Perhaps," she said staring into the sky

"But you know the best part about us?" He asked her

"That we never try to be happy because it comes naturally to us," she said and giggled

"That I am always happy when you are around. Maybe amid the crowd I have to wear a mask and keep a fake smile over my face. But when you are around, you always take it off from me," he said and wished only if he could hold her hand

She turned towards the other side of the bed, and whispered into his ears, "Always..."

And they were lost, in the ocean of their love and never wished to return to the shore.

to be continueed....

source: https://fityourself.club/longing-ed20662f9eb7

A glimpse of the future...

2018-04-03T11:10:00.003+05:30

It was another hot day, when he was roaming under the burning sun, his eyes analysing people around him with every blink of his eye while he paced through the staircase to find some shade.

But it didn't work for long and he was hungry, so he decided to eat a sub. Lots of veggies with chicken pieces and a glass of coke may help him fight through the summer, he thought.

He walked into Subway and placed his order, while he was waiting for his order he felt a pat on his shoulder; he turned around and he saw an old man with a huge smile on his face.

"Can I order too buddy?" Asked the old man

"Sure," he said and moved aside.

After a while, he took his order and sat on a corner table, carefully placing the glass of coke but happily tearing apart the paper cover of his sub. He was really hungry after all.

The old man came with his order and asked him, "Can I sit here, if you don't mind?"

He just passed a wry smile, not knowing whether to say yes or no. He wanted to say no, but he felt bad. He thought the old man might feel that he is being pushed away but saying yes felt too much for him to do. He just passed a half smile and the old man took it as his approval and sat down.

"You know I really enjoy eating sub and it is healthy too," the old man chuckled as he took a huge bite, mayonnaise dripping down his white beard. He wiped it with the tissue.

He didn't feel like making small talks at a time when he was getting late for work but was hungry at the same time.

There was an eerie silence for a while, people could hear only two souls chewing away their subs.

"How old are you?" The old man asked him

"Excuse me," he was taken aback

"How old are you, son?" The old man asked again

"27," he replied and continued eating his sub

The old man chuckled and said, "You know one day you are going to realise that whatever it is today that's bothering have literally no relevance on a bigger scale. You might be worried about a hell lot of things now only to realise a few good amount of years down the line that it was not required."

"Like how you look back now and feel, you were so stupid once. You are going to feel the same way when you attain some insanity in life and decide to just let it go," continued the old man.

"And what makes you think that the present is irrelevant and so the situations," he replied finally.

"Now you are talking. I didn't mean it that way, what I meant was maybe at the moment you are stressed with a lot of things. Maybe your head is overloaded with every kinds of shit but never fail to acknowledge the moment that you are living right now. Because maybe after say 30 years you must have made a hell lot of money but then you will not have much time to look for happiness," the old man said.

There was a brief pause. They both took a big bite.

"And one day when you will realise that you don't have much time left, you will start living like how I am living. Isn't it strange? That when we are alive we think about every single things except our own happiness or in order to fulfill the tasks of life, we never end up living the moment that we are having because the stress that you are carrying with yourself returns back to your home with you. And even though at night you want to shrug it off from your shoulder and have a nice meal with your girlfriend or wife or mother father or any family member or friends, the stress that came along with you, spoils the moment. You either end up sleeping with your worries or your guilt. That is what you need to learn," the old man said.

"And how this is going to find a solution for the situation that we are in?" He asked the old man

"As if brooding about it while having dinner is going to resolve the problem or cursing while sleeping is going to help. Live in the moment, breathe and feel lively. Whatever bad may happen today will be replaced with something better. That's how life works. But if you miss the time now it is never going to come back. You are never going to be 27 again, remember that. All you need to do is take a deep breathe, tell yourself that you will work a little more tomorrow to make things right and flash your smile. You never know how many people you may end up influencing or just making them happier if influence sounds like a negative term," the old man said and let out a sigh of relief and took his last bite.

He was thinking what the old man said and reflecting over it. "Now I shall leave you on your own. Don't forget to smile today, you have a beautiful one. In a hope to see you again, I would like that you will at least flash a smile when you see me again and not feel annoyed with a little extra energy that this old man is vibing out," the old man said and walked out of the outlet.

He sat there watching him go away and then looked down at his sub and suddenly felt happy about whatever just happened. He took a big bite when he spotted a piece of paper with something scribble over it.

"If you found this already, I must say I love your observation skills and if you hadn't then you must be thinking too much about who I was and why I stumbled upon you. I am you and you are going to be like me, if you continue not to live your moment now and regret later. Maybe this will bring a small glitch in the timeline and maybe the future might change but give life a try and shrug off your shoulder from the burden you are carrying," the note read.

Source: http://www.lovelyladie.com/2014/10/01/food-for-the-soul-live-freely/

Life = Trial & Error...

2018-03-19T20:39:00.000+05:30

Mostly error but never stop trying...

Remember when we were kids, all we wanted was to grow up and live life king-size. Back then, it used to feel amusing to see grownups doing we all are doing now. But now if you ask anyone, all that they desire is to go back to their school or college days. I am no different. Not because back in those days life seemed easy or simple, but for a simple reason that back then it didn't take much effort from our end to be happy.

As we grow up, the challenges of life keeps on increasing exponentially and what we used to enjoy most seems to have taken the backseat. All we are doing is, running everyday and chasing the time that we have left in this world without even asking ourselves what we really desire.

There is a person I know, who has seen the worst and lived the peak moment of his life and throughout these moments, what he never stopped doing was trying. He was very young, when his mother passed away. Being the youngest member of his family, his innocence got lost after the death of his mother. He completed his school, went to college, bagged a job and got married to start his own family.

This person, after he had his own children vowed to himself that no matter how difficult his childhood was, he will never ever let his children go through something that he did and he worked day and night to reach a respectable position in his company. Among his siblings, he was doing quite well financially but that didn't change him. He didn't turn into some egoistic brat, who would flaunt his lifestyle to demean his family members and friends.

Instead, he would always help whoever came to him seeking his help. Be it emotionally or financially, he stood by everyone's side, whom he considered a part of his world. He had grown confident about what he wanted in his life, and it didn't take much time for him to start his own business. Although, he was warned by many, many didn't show the kind of faith in him, he showed in others but it didn't stop him from getting what he wanted.

Life rose to new expectations and challenges, as he flourished as a businessman and continued to be the same person he was even when he had nothing. He always believed that when you love someone, you just love them and you will do everything in your capacity or sometimes even beyond your capacity to help them whenever they require some help.

But maybe fate had something else in store for him. His wife fell sick, his business was over and all he had was a house with little kids and wife. And all this happened when he was almost on the verge of becoming a millionaire. His dreams were shattered, his self confidence took the beating but he continued to look for a way to stabilize his life.

The lifestyle once he had, was no more the same. The circle that he had, was no more the same. And the people for whom he always stood by their side, were no more the same. He tried his hand in everything he thought was necessary to ensure that his kids get proper education. His wife supported him in every decision that he took. Few turned into blessing, few were full of regrets. This resulted in immense frustration and disagreements between these two molecules of this universe.

The two molecules of this universe kept colliding with each other for all the things that went terribly wrong. The molecules would collide day and night, the children would silently weep in their room and every night they said a silent prayer, praying to the universe to stabilize what has gone wrong.
He was jobless for several years, while his wife tried her hand in stabilizing the situation. Although, her health condition didn't permit her to do certain things, she never stopped believing in herself. She became the backbone of the family, when they couldn't withstand the pressure of life.

After almost a decade of failure, financial crisis and immense frustration, their life saw a shinning sun. Things started to get normal. And today things are completely different.

Yes, a few dreams were shattered which paved way for something new. But what remained constant was the will to try every time you fall. The strength to face the challenges, every time it seemed like a dead end. And to love irrespective of the collision and clashes.

Why I told you this story is to simply tell you that no matter how difficult your path gets, no matter how difficult your situation gets and no matter how restless life turns you into, never stop trying. Because someday things are going to get better. Maybe what you planned when you started your journey isn't the same when you sail through different situations. But it is up to you how you manage to sail.

This story could have been entirely different. If they hadn't tried to look for a solution they would have got stuck in the endless loop of their life. If they hadn't tried to embrace failure, success would never have arrived in their life.

I don't believe in destiny. I don't believe that our future is written when we are born. I only believe in the fact that how we react to the situations today, its outcome becomes the future. It is purely the choices that you take today will reflect on you tomorrow. If you make a different choice, it will change the dynamics of your life.

Today, even I am in a kind of situation where everything seems blurry. Although, a few years ago when I decided to change the dynamics of my life, I thought I will stay away from the drama of my life for at least some time. But that's not the case.

Every time I decide to let out a sigh of relief, I am loaded with a few more battles to fight. If I decide today to stop trying, I will never get what I always aspired. And that's why I am still trying even though I don't know whether I will succeed or not. Maybe yes. Maybe no. But that I will get to know only when I keep on trying. Because that's what I have learnt from the story of these people. They had everything and in one stroke they lost everything and they kept on trying until the day they managed to build everything all over again.

Source: https://www.justinbuzzard.net/2016/10/24/dont-worry-life-live-life/

Bring me back to life...

2017-12-29T23:36:00.000+05:30

I am pushed in a place,
Where only darkness surrounds me,
My eyes have gotten used to it now,
For I haven't seen light in ages...

My heart utters a silent cry every night,
While you are unaware of the happenings,
It only prays to the universe,
That someday it brings you back here...

Lying like a lifeless soul,
I push myself everyday,
To believe again and to get up again,
But every night I fall into the same void...

The void, which I never created,
Yet I am pushed here,
Where no one can hear my cries,
No one can see my pain...

It heals me when you are here,
The magical touch you have,
The power that you hold,
To bring me back to life...

My voice echoes through this place,
Crying for help but no one hears,
I go back to sleep again,
In a hope to see the shinning sun...

But whenever I open my eyes,
The sun isn't there,
There is only darkness around,
And yes, I am scared...

One can stand by someone's side,
One can guide them through the maze,
But one cannot hold the steering of their life,
Yet it didn't take a moment for you to say, "move on"...

I wish I was a machine,
Who had an on and off switch,
But the human body is a curse,
Coz I don't know how not to love you...

I am broken and bruised,
Pain bleeding through my heart,
Don't know how long will I survive,
The wrath of this life...

Sometimes people don't realize your worth,
When you are around them,
But it hits them, only when you are gone,
Why is it so? I keep asking...

Don't let me stay here for too long,
That you cannot find me in this darkness,
Remember to check on me once,
That you don't get to see my corpse

And if you find my corpse someday,
Then hold me once tightly in your arms,
And kiss me on my cold skin,
Maybe your touch will bring me back to life...

I am waiting here,
Where you have asked me to,
In a hope that someday I hear your voice,
Echoing through this void,
In a hope that you extend your hand,
To bring me back to life...

Source: https://wallup.net/falling-bioshock-infinite/

In a hope to see you soon...

2017-12-19T19:57:00.001+05:30

There is a constant pain deep within, my chest is always burning and not even a second goes by without your thoughts. The wait is taxing and few hours feel like eternity, as if the day is never going to end. I don't feel like getting up in the morning from bed, and for a long time I am lying on bed staring at the ceiling, lost in your thoughts.

My heart always ask me, do you feel the same pain deep within which I am feeling? Do you miss me every moment of your day? Do you feel as if someone has took away a part of your soul too? Do you also feel that you are stuck in an infinity loop? My day start with your thoughts and end to your thoughts, this was the case even before. The only difference now is, I don't know whether you will come back in my life or not.

Earlier, the feelings were positive but now I am drowning every day gradually in the ocean of madness and fear. The fear of losing you or have I lost you already? And every moment, I am praying to the universe to bring you back in my life.

It is impossible not to think about you, impossible not to text you or call you. Though I am trying my best to control my emotions but every day I fail miserably. Do you find yourself in the same situation too?

Now, I can relate to every intense movie I have seen and every book I have read about separation and love and heartbreaks. I can feel the pain, which the protagonist felt when the love of his/her life went away or the dilemma and fear of losing the love of your life enveloped them into its clutches. I can feel every emotions scribbled by the writer and no matter how hard I try to hold on, tears always make their way from my eyes.

I don't want to feel this pain ever and I am sticking to the promise on my end, hoping and praying that even you realize the vacuum in your life, which has been created due to my absence and soon you come to find me; I will be waiting at the same doorstep with open arms to welcome you back and continue the journey further with same aspirations but new hope and newly found energy.

My mind often ask and try to analyse the reason behind our situation, and it always has a same reply - you fall to get up. We can never get done with each other, life tried to break us several times and every time we challenged life by bouncing back. It is true the intensity of the situation kept on increasing with every new challenge but I still believe in our bond and I know that we are better than this and beyond anyone's explanation.

I refuse to give up on us and I choose to believe in our love. We may be lost but not disillusioned to leave each other hand. Everything that happened was naturally scripted by the universe, neither of us tried to develop our own script and we believed in the universe to do what was necessary. Still whatever has happened, it is the outcome of what the universe had planned for us, maybe to see whether we stick by each other side or we give up on each other. Maybe to see whether we leave each other and we believe in each other to make it work.

Any day when you are feeling vulnerable, remember that this is only a temporary phase and soon it will get over. Soon we will find each other amid the storm and again we will sail together. The ship may have wrecked and both of us are in maybe two different directions trying to swim our way to the island. But soon we will meet at that island and then nothing can stop us from being with each other, we will be better than before and stronger than ever. I am waiting, in a hope to see you again...

Source: https://i.ytimg.com/vi/tDj24wzwCKc/maxresdefault.jpg

Memoir of a pierced heart...

2017-12-16T19:29:00.002+05:30

I am in too much of pain, but my heart never forgets to miss you and my mind never forgets to replay all the moments that we spent together in the theater at the back of my head. When I try to close my eyes at night to get some sleep, which I have been struggling to get from many days now, the same theater plays all the reasons why we drifted apart.

I don't remember how the food tastes, it's been a while since I had a proper meal. I have lost my appetite and not that I didn't try to eat, I tried a lot to gulp something down my throat but it got stuck and I puked my lungs out every time I tried to fill my stomach with something.

I don't remember the last time when I smiled, when I had a hearty laugh; and if I recollect my memory it was with you the last time I ate or slept properly or smiled. Whenever you are around, it calms me down; you calm down the demon within me and I am at my most peaceful moment in life. And this is something which I never get around anyone and this is what haunts me. Life without you is like a nightmare, which never seems to get over.

Why life is so unfair? Why life always put us in a situation from where nothing seems right and everything seems blurry?

Why there are certain events in life which we can never fight even if we wish to? Why we have to wait for life to decide what I want? Every morning when I wake up, my hand automatically reaches out for my phone and while I am about to type you a message, it reminds me that you have gone far from me. Every time something I see, I want to tell you like how I used to but I cannot. While I pray each day that life brings you back in my life, I don't actually know what will happen? And when that thought arrives in my mind, I am absolutely clueless but in immense pain.

I listen to every song that we dedicated to each other and somehow try to find solace in the rhythm but the same song pierces my heart, when it makes me realise the void which has been created due to your absence. A part of me has turned into vacuum, where I don't feel anything but there is only pain.

Sometimes I feel like inflicting pain upon me, hoping that the pain which resides inside will come out but everytime I think about doing it, it reminds me of the promise I made to you. Why I am still holding on to every promise that I made to you? Why your voice still echoes in my ear? Why I can still feel your touch all over my skin? Why this heart cannot stop beating for you and why it feels as if my heart will stop beating at all if you are gone for too long?

There are only questions that resides within my mind, which I keep trying to answer somehow giving myself solace by reasoning the situation which has put me in a place, where there is only darkness and this time I don't have you to show me the light. The tunnel seems endless and so does the pain.

There are days, when I am so angry that I want to throw you out of my life and when I take a step towards it; I realise that how it will be without you and I realise that I am too much in love with you to get done with you. I can never get done with you, even if someday you are done with me. The anger is so much that I am turning into something different and while people around me are clueless, every night and every morning I am raging a battle within myself and every afternoon and every evening I fail miserably in the battle.

There is only one wish, which comes out from my heart these days that the way life took you away from me, it brings you back to me soon and with that wish and hope, I am sailing through this rough sea; which never wants to calm down because only you can calm it down.

Source: https://quotesloveable.com/i-am-lost-without-you-wallpaper/i-am-lost-without-you-wallpaper-1280x800px-802739-lost-without-you-108-15-kb-31-05-2015/

You fall, So You Can Get Up...

2017-11-21T11:17:00.000+05:30

"Why do we fall sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up"

- Alfred Pennyworth: Batman Begins

This dialogue have touched many hearts globally and while watching the Batman trilogy every soul would wonder, what would have happened to Batman if Alfred never stood by his side. Bruce Wayne, who became Batman was as lost as any other soul after what all he suffered while growing up. But Alfred, who was technically a care taker of his family always stood by his master's side and showing him the light, when he fell into the darkness.

We all have Alfred in our life, it is up to us when we start realizing the fact when someone is genuinely trying to bring us out of the darkness we have locked ourselves into.

There are things in your life, which sits on your head and you find it difficult to get away with those thoughts. And these are those things, which matters most in your life. But when you know it is beyond your control and you are just a mute spectator to the plays of fate, sometimes it gets on your nerves.

And what you do next is for the best - to simply try and ignore as long as you can. But everyone in this world has a breaking point, when you are nearing yours; you don't know whether suppressing your emotions is the viable option or letting yourself to spill the poison, which might change the dynamics of your existing world.

This world is nothing but a set of permutation and combination with infinite possibilities and alternate realities. The choices we make defines the equation and the things that we do are the variables with time being the constant. And as they say, time heals everything.

But it will only heal, if you are willing to put that effort to leave things that disturb you behind. Only when you are willing to make choices, which define you as who you actually are and what you actually want. If you are in doubt, then you need to figure it out for yourself or you need to talk to people in whom you have confided every little secrets of your life.

Lying or hiding doesn't help, it may push the problem a little further; it might delay the storm but it will hit you someday and when it does, maybe you will lose the person in whom you used to find solace. Because when you share everything with someone and suddenly you have to lie on their faces to hide something you don't wish them to know about, they will find it difficult to trust you.

And it is totally up to you whether you want to keep lying or tell them the truth, which you always had. It is totally up to you whether you want to win them back or kick them out of your life. And if you want to win them back, it is going to take some efforts on your behalf also but it is worth the effort. Because once you lie, you have to hide it with hundred different lies. It may seem as a viable option at first but then on the long run, it suffocates you.

People who genuinely love you are always going to love you no matter where you land up yourself and in those times you will actually know who are those you want to keep in your life, when you get a hit and fall down. People, who wants you to bounce back will always lend their hand and extend their support but again it is up to you whether you want to hold their hand or you have started liking the fall. Don't push those you genuinely care for you and who are willing to share your burden only to ensure you are doing fine.

There are certain things, which will attract you and make you do things you would have never done in the first place. But you have been affected so much by the charm that you don't think clearly and when you realize, maybe it is a little late. But it is never too late in life. You can change the dynamics of your life, whenever you want to and whenever you wish to. Those charms seems pleasurable in the beginning but they will only give you immense pain and regret on the long run.

We humans, what we are? Nothing but a ball of energy who can communicate and express their desires and emotions. But all this only till the time we are alive. Once dead, your body is nothing but a bowl of ash. Till the time you have in this world, try to make choices which makes you happy without any regrets. Even if a small moment of regret if you have for something you have done, it means it is not meant for you and it's time when you change it and change it for good.

This doesn't mean you will never commit any mistake or you will never fall off the line. You certainly will commit mistakes and you can't do anything about it. But what you can do is, you can realize the fact that you did a mistake and you can rectify it before it burns down your world in to a bowl of ash.

No mistake in this world define anyone, we all do mistakes. When this world is an output of imperfect explosion, which formed the universe, how on any galaxy anyone can expect, humans of all the creations, not to commit any mistakes.

But you get up, when you fall. That's why fate put you in that place to see how you react and what choices you make and whatever it is that you choose, it defines the cycle of your life until you fall again and again you have to make a choice. That is what life is about from my understanding, it keeps giving you a second chance to amend what went wrong and to bring back what you lost. It is only about making choices at the end of the day.

Source: http://printwithpi.com/img/thumbsnew/13.jpg

Memoirs of a loving heart...

2017-11-18T23:41:00.002+05:30

"You remember how they show it in movies and narrate in novels, the feeling of being wished for; the feeling of belonging and the feeling of love. It feels exactly the same way with you.

The late night conversation, which never seemed to end. The calls, for which we used to wait the entire day. The morning, which always started with your thoughts and night that always ended with your voice echoing in the back of my head.

I always said that I never felt the way I feel it with you, every ounce of my soul reciprocates the love you have for me. You were never hesistate of showing your scars to me, I was never afraid to tell you about my fears. We both have been haunted with the memories of our past and dementers of the present but holding on to each other has always given us the strength to fight the unknown. After all, not all battles are fought alone and not all battles are won alone.

Life is complicated, yes, if it is easy; it is not life. We always have to fall to find ourselves back, to rediscover the person we are and to rediscover our lost ambitions. Else we will never be able to find our true self, if we don't fall.

But there are also instances when people fall and they fall so hard that they don't wish to get up and they end up spending their entire life in regret.

We commit mistakes, so we can learn from them. We come across certain things we wish to have but we know it is not worth the effort, and so there are times when we have to make a choice - a choice to define the life we want., a choice which may be harsh but it only gets better with time.

Not even a single day has passed since I know you, when I don't think about you. Your thoughts reside within my soul and whenever I close my eyes, I find you. I promised you when you asked me, what will I do when you get lost? And I stick to my promise that whenever you will fall, you will find my hand to help you to get up; whenever you feel you are lost, I will be waiting by your side to figure out the way ahead.

Because I love you and I know that my life without your presence is too boring to live for. But I will never wish to chain you with me, if ever you felt that you have to choose between me and your happiness, always choose your happiness. Because I don't want you to lead a life, full of regrets. Even if I am not a part of it, I will be at peace knowing that I didn't become the reason behind your tears.

There have been times, when we were struck by lightning. And yes, it scared the crap out of me. Not only the fear of losing you but the fear of you getting lost. You always took the blame, you always told me that you fear of becoming someone you are not and like always even today I say that I will always refuse to believe that.

Because there was a time, when I was lost. When I walked through the same path you are on. And people turned their back on me, pointing out that I have too many sins on my soul to be a part of their world. And I walked that path alone, I learned that there was a lot more to me than only what I was judged for. And no matter what happens, no matter how big the mistake you commit; I will always have your back. And I know you will do the same for me.

Whatever happened, it had to happen maybe to understand our value in each other's life. Maybe it was a test of time to see what we do, when we get struck by lightning. It happened maybe to understand to what extreme we were willing to go for each other's happiness. And yes, I know that we stood strong against it and I know that it will take some time for both of us to move past this but through that journey which lies ahead, I am not going to leave your hand.

I will hold you and wrap you in my arms, when the nightmares don't let you sleep. I will listen to everything you have to say and I want you to talk about everything that you feel, everything that you think about and everything you want to say but you hesitate thinking it might pinch me. For me, nothing else matters more than your happiness and that's what love is all about. It is not about conquering or winning or losing, it is only about keeping the other person happy and caring for their happiness.

Whatever junction we have crossed, it was a part of our destiny. For I have travelled to time to the future, where I have seen the future you and the not-bald future me. And I remember clearly what your future you had to say to me, that find me when you get lost. Maybe it was only a dream, maybe a mixture of my subconscious thoughts but even if it was nothing more than a dream, I will certainly would like to make it a reality someday.

Don't carry a burden with you for whatever we have gone through. Leave that where it came from and if you are not able to then let me share it with you and carry it till the time it needs to be carried so that one day it is not a weight on your heart. Don't think that I am going to look at you with blaming or judgmental eyes. My eyes only have love and immense care for you.

I know there are times when I get annoyed with you or get angry at you but the moment I see you, my anger diffuses and my heart skips a beat. The moment when your lips curve and brighten my life, I will do anything to keep that smile on your beautiful face. The moment your eyes are filled with tear, my palm is going to be resting down your face to capture the drop of tear and you will find your world in my arms.

In a week, our relationship will turn a year old and I wish that it keeps getting old as you always say, sharab jitni purani, nasha utna acha hota haini; with this I rest my fingers. To coming times, to moments we have spent, to storms we have faced, to storms that are awaiting, let us celebrate the togetherness with just two words TM, which not only completes your name but adds my first name in the puzzle and when we swap these two alphabets, it gives out the initials of our pet name. I know such a bad sense of humor I have. I love you."

Source: http://www.designstack.co/2015/01/surreal-fantasy-and-otherworldly-art.html

The Reminiscence...

2017-10-04T20:13:00.000+05:30

The taste of her soul still lingers in my mouth, when I wake up in the morning, I can still feel the touch of her hand moving through my body; the strand of her hair falling on my arm as she come closer to take me in her arms and clutch me tightly, I can feel her heart beating against me.

She was sleeping right beside me, it felt like a dream. I couldn’t sleep. I kept looking at her while she was lost in her dreams. The strand of her hair kept coming over her face, even in her dreams she kept adjusting her hair, a smile flashed over my face as I moved the strand of hair from her face and kissed on her forehead. Her lips twitched. I kept my arm over her and closed my eyes. I didn’t sleep though, I was only feeling the pulse of her body, blood rushing through her veins, her heavy breathing and I was lost in the fragrance of her body.

When she woke up, slowly opening her eyes, she asked me, “You didn’t sleep.” I came closer to her and took her in my arms. “Why?” she demanded an answer.

“Because I couldn’t take my eyes off you,” I whispered in her ears and continued, “You were not feeling well last night, I wanted to be sure you are sleeping properly.”

“Are you crazy?” she squeaked, her eyes turned big as her nose shrunk and she made a face. My heart skipped a beat. I came closer to her and planted a gentle kiss on her cheek.

“Come here, sleep now,” she said and took me in her arms. I closed my eyes and felt her fingers moving through my hair. It felt like someone singing me a lullaby. I have never felt so peaceful in my life, it felt as if in one touch it took away the entire burden from my shoulder. And I don’t know when I fell asleep. I was dreaming and I was sleeping peacefully.

When I opened my eyes, she was looking at me. “What are you looking at?” I asked her in a low tone.

“Nothing,” she said and kissed my lips. It was 5 in the morning, she held me in her arms and kept kissing me. I could feel the warmth of her body, her breast pressed against my chest, her hand moving through my back and her lips gently touching my skin.

When I look into her eyes, I see my reflection. I can see the love and care she holds for me in the ocean of her eyes and I feel secured when she takes me in her arms. I feel pampered, when her lips touches my skin and I feel rejuvenated when she whispers into my ears. I fall in love with her every moment of my life, not a single moment pass by without her thoughts.

She is not my obsession but she is the perfect song for my love. She is not my addiction. She is the perfect companion, who was created to someday bump into me and turn my world into the most beautiful place I have ever known. And whenever I would say this to her, she will always flutter her eyelids and make a face.

“You are mad,” she would say and blush.

Yes, I am maybe mad for her, but in all my senses. She would often say that maybe the spark won’t be alive after we spend few more years together and that love will become a habit and then things won’t be as it is now. She says so because the world shows her so. Because of what she has seen around her, from what she has experienced and there is no doubt that it is that way out there in the world.

People want a normal life and to attain normality in their life they often forget the value of people who are there through thick and thin.

But when I think about this, I cannot imagine our world like that. I don’t want normal, I want madness. Who cares about being normal, when you can be crazy together and enjoy each other company?

Yes, after a few years you will get habituated to be with the person but if you choose to be with that person and you still want to wake up by her side and feel the same rush that you are feeling now then how can the spark will ever go away.

I don’t know what a perfect relationship is because there is no such thing called perfect in this universe. This universe was created out of abnormality, how can you expect your life to attain normality. All I know is when I ask myself, if you are not present in my life, it will become normal. It will never be as mad as it is now. And normal is being dead for me.

The obstacles will hit every now and then, the storm will keep coming but it will pass away making way for the beautiful morning and pleasant night. Maybe relationships fail because when people get hit by the storm, they prefer to find an easy way out and do not believe in surviving the storm.

But you and me, both of us have reached here because we have survived the storms. Had we chosen an easy way out, we would have never met in the first place. We would be sailing in different direction oblivious of our presence. But the fact that we always believed in waiting for the storm to subside and then prefer going out for a walk is the reason, we bumped into each other in the most dramatic yet beautiful way.

What makes you special is that I know even if we had a fight today, we are willing to keep our egos aside and come to a common ground and respect each other perception. We may not agree with each other all the time, and it should not be that way.

People stop communicating because they stop listening and respecting each other’s view. They start feeling suffocated because there is dominance of one person and the other is only trying to make a point only to be left ignored. This results in either of them walking out or staying together but in broken pieces of the puzzle which they never want to put it in the right way. And years later, while they try to show the world they are the happy couple the world wishes to see, they cry beneath the blanket of their own insecurities.

The frustration is way too much to handle and they start finding ways to distract themselves from the on-going situation only to find solace somewhere else. They don’t know that all it takes is a proper communication between the two and reaching a common ground without being dominant or brushing their egos onto one another.

It is not easy to walk through the entire journey of your life without falling, but what is important is that when you fall, you should muster up the courage to get up again rather than staying on ground forever until you are buried till your bones turn into dust.

What surprises me is that we have only one life and we are willing to compromise with our happiness and wait to die. Instead we can only live together in harmony and peace and celebrate each other and celebrate together.

We don’t even have slightest of clue what is in store for us in the very next moment yet we prefer to pretend that life is never going to be different and it remains so because we are not making enough effort to make a difference.

Try a different way today, and you will see the difference tomorrow. It may take time to turn things around but it will happen someday. Hope is the best thing in this world to hold on, to hope that things will change is the perfect motivation to initiate anything and once you believe and believe in others, it turns into a chain reaction.

Why not try today? Wake up in the morning and cook breakfast for your partner while she helps you to do the dishes. Why burden one person with all the work when it can be shared?

Why stop making efforts to make her feel special? Either it should never have been there in the first place or if you initiated to make her feel special then continue doing so.

And all I know is I have this life and I have you and no matter what happens, I am not giving up on us ever even during the darkest of times and I am never going to stop make you feel special, the way you are and the way you will be, my love will only grow stronger.

Yes, we will commit mistakes. I may give you a difficult time ahead but I promise you that I will be equally hurt when you will be hurt. And I will be jumping with happiness and will feel all sorts of emotions along with you because my soul is connected with yours.

Source: https://orig00.deviantart.net/c986/f/2007/239/d/1/romantic_night_by_darktrooper88.jpg

To small steps towards the unknown...

2017-09-19T22:32:00.003+05:30

I have not been posting regularly from quite some time, I don't even know if that is even a matter of concern for anyone. I would have thought this way had it been any other day and ending up doing everything except writing.

But today, when my blog page views hit a lakh views, I couldn't help but wonder maybe it is too small a blog but it has been read a lakh times and it shows that irrespective of whether anyone reads it or not, I should continue posting on my blog.

Honestly, I don't have anything much these days to write. Constantly, I am stuck between balancing my work and the writing part and most of the time the former wins while the latter has to wait for its moment.

So today I thought I would just share a story. A story about how I got into this writing thing and how this blog started. I do not have any other fancy idea either way.

I never thought the day I started that I would write again on this blog but it has been seven years and I am still here. Explains why this means something to me.

I never thought the day I penned down my thoughts for the first time that I would someday make it my profession.

Life holds surprises for us and each one of us has their own set of surprises meant to keep you hydrated for the rest of the journey.

It was in the summer of 2009, when I was back to Patna, my hometown from Hyderabad after spending two wonderful yet disappointing year of my life, trying to train myself to reach where everyone else were randomly running.

I had failed to clear any of the engineering entrance exams, which was my key to the next door. I was actually sad despite knowing that is not what I had in my mind.

And I decided to stay back and prepare one more year so that I get through those exams while the world kept moving at its own pace.

That day I felt I am standing among the crowd, waiting for something to which even I was oblivious. But the feeling of just waiting while the world moved didn't go well down my throat.

And that was the time when for the first time, I penned down my thoughts in a diary. It was about what I was going through and yet I knew I couldn't tell a soul because I didn't know how to explain such thing to anyone. I was not confident about my own decision.

Although I started my blog in 2009, I was not regular till first half of 2013. In these years, hardly I have posted anything regularly. As per my estimation, I wrote maximum 10-12 posts in these years.

And I came back to my blog again in 2013, when I was unable to get through my placement drive. In all these years, my feeling to move into writing had grown stronger than how it was back in 2009.

I was sure about my own decision and I knew this was my last chance. Every day I used to share what I was feeling, writing aimlessly for people I don't even know but with a belief that it will somehow strike a chord. And it did. And we are in 2017, with over hundreds of posts and a lakh views and counting, I think I have achieved something. A little but something precious. Something that I can keep with myself for the rest of my life. And that's why I am pouring this out today to make it a memory.

That one day when I look back I know how it felt to achieve a small goal yet feel so happy about it.

Ups and downs are a part of life. We all have our own share of struggle which only we will have to deal with it, irrespective of the time in life, it will keep hitting us. The question is whether you want to enter the battlefield and fight your battle or you want to stand down and do what everyone else is doing. Whether you want to see the reality or you are happy in your own simulation programme.

From engineering to journalism and soon to be a published author, I guess I have faced my own battles and more are yet to come. I will try to keep fighting the battle I have chosen and one day let out a huge sigh of relief.

Till then I will keep meeting you people through this way or another. Stay in touch and thank you for being so patient.

To,

One Lakh Views 😄

The clock that went forward...

2017-07-11T13:05:00.000+05:30

I am standing at a station, but I am not in India. There are people around me, some of them waiting for their train, some waiting for someone but what I am doing here, I ask myself. I am standing behind a pillar, I peek through the side of the pillar and what I see leaves me surprised for a few moments.

I see myself, sitting on a bench with her. I am wearing a black color overcoat and I look a bit older than I am right now. I blink twice. “It can’t be,” I say to myself. She is sitting by my side, she is wearing a white color jacket over her black color top and black trousers. She is wearing a necklace, it has a golden snitch attached to it. It is a Harry Potter themed necklace.

“Am I in the future?” I ask myself and look around. “But how far into the future?” I ask myself again.

“Can these people see me?” I hide myself behind the pillar. I am trying to overhear the conversation both of us are having. But I am at a distance and I am not able to hear anything due to the murmur of crowd.

I walk a few steps closer to where both of us are sitting and I hide myself behind the next pillar. Now I can hear us.

“So have you finally decided how the entrance is going to look like?” she asks me (the future me)

“Yes, see I have these designs. We can go ahead with the Hogwarts theme or you want any house specific themed entrance?” he asks her

“Slytherin,” she says and jumps out of joy. There is a glint in her eyes. I make a face.

“Okay… let us go with Hogwarts theme but where we get married one side should be Slytherin and other side should be Gryffindor themed,” she says and waits for my answer.

“Yes… I like that,” I declare.

My heart is thumping my chest from inside. “Are we planning our wedding?” I say to myself in excitement. Yes, we always had wished to have a harry potter themed wedding and I am here to witness the discussion between us. “Wow!” I exclaim.

“People should be given a wand, when we complete the rituals; they should lift the wand at once in air,” she says.

“And the food should be named after spells, drinks should be named after potions and,” he says as she intervenes

“But what about desserts?” she asks me

“Ummm… I have no clue about the desserts,” he says

“How about we name the desserts after death eaters?” she says and start laughing.

Her hair has grown just above her waist. She looks mesmerising. I have a strong urge to hug both of them tightly but I don’t know what this is all about, so I calm myself down.

“What about invitation cards?” he asks her

“Ummm… how about a letter from Hogwarts themed?” she says and I think she saw me. I hide myself behind the pillar and wait for some time. My heartbeat is racing like a Ferrari. “Can anyone see me?” I ask myself again and look at the crowd, who seems to be oblivious about my presence. I peek through the pillar again.

“It should be like the letter from Hogwarts with a few more things combined in one. And and and listen na,” she says excitedly as he is checking his phone.

“Haan tell na… I am sorry. No phones,” he says and keeps his phone in his pocket.

“The entrance of the venue where we get married should also have Platform 9 ¾ written with big bold letters. Wow, I can’t believe we are actually doing this and doing it exactly how we had thought,” she said and held his hand. He holds her cheek and plant a kiss gently on her cheeks.

“And Always….” He says

“Yes… Always should be written too. I am getting too excited. Wow!” she says and jumps out of joy. We may look older but we are still the same. The craziness is still there like it was before. “Few things cannot be changed,” I exclaim.

“I need to go to the loo. Be right back,” she says and excuses herself.

I have a strong urge to go and talk to future me. I don’t wish to know about the future though but I still wish to talk to him. I continue to stare at myself from the future. “I have not gone bald yet,” I say to myself and smile at him.

“You bastard, I never thought looking at you from a distance would be so great especially when you are with her,” I say in my mind and I feel a sudden pat on my shoulder. Oh my god! It is her. The future her.

“Hello,” she says and her face glows

I am taken aback. “You can see me,” I say to her

“Yes, idiot! I can see you,” she says and makes a face.

“Can he?” I ask her pointing towards his direction

“If he spots you them maybe yes. But let him be, lets walk this way,” she says and waits for me to follow her. I start walking with her to the other side.

“You didn’t change your hairstyle? And I didn’t go bald? You wanted your hairs to be permanently straight,” I say and look at the ground.

“Oh yes. I didn’t and you don’t go bald at least not yet,” she says and smiles at me. “From which year you are coming from?” she asks me

“2017,” I say and continue, “Which year is this?”

“2027 November,” she smiles.

“Wow! Did I just jump 10 years into the future?” I say out loudly.

“I guess yes,” she says

“So we made it till here. Wow,” I said

“You had any doubt?” she said and her nose flared

“Hahaha… Not yet but you know how life throws tantrums at us,” I said and touched her nose.

“I know. So 2017 huh, which month?” she asked me

“July,” I replied

“Must be tough out there,” she said and we both burst into laughter.

“It is good,” I said with a big grin on my face

“Do I make it as a writer? We are living in which country? Are you a filmmaker? What we are doing? And how are we?” I start asking too many questions.

“Hold on... hold on… I am not going to tell you anything about the future. Remember, I can’t ruin the party for you guys. You have to figure that out by yourself. But I can tell you one thing that yes we are happy,” she said and looked back at the future me, who is waiting for her while reading a book. We stop walking.

“Listen, I know in the present time I am a mess right now. And you will have to be patient with me. I am telling you this because this means a lot to me and just be a little patient with me for some time. There will come a time when you will be completely lost soon, and then I will have to find you but before that you need to ensure that I am sane enough to go in your search. Because where you come from and what are we into, is kind of messed up. But it will be fine. I am not telling you anything more than this,” she said and her eyes turned moist.

“So can I talk to him?” I asked her

“No. Don’t talk to him please. You only say na it is okay not to know the future,” she said.

“By the way, you look beautiful,” I said

“Are you flirting with the older me Mister?” she said and hugged me tightly.

“I wish to see you soon. He is waiting for me, I should get back. Take care and see you,” she said and started walking towards the future me. She looked back and I waved back at her.

I stood there for some time. I saw them fighting like two crazy idiots in the middle of a station, making faces, punching each other, holding hands, pulling each other leg and their eyes. Their eyes had everything they had to say to each other.

I read the station name again. “I will meet you here. Ten years down the line, I will meet you again,” I say to myself and start walking back.

Source: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/da/84/13/da84130ab3c382883cbb733612ddd81e.jpg

The Seekers of Selfdom - Part VI

2017-07-05T19:51:00.002+05:30

The next morning seemed beautiful for Tamina. She has been feeling low lately and often she felt like a hot iron rod was piercing through her heart. But after reading the letter that Marc had left for her, she had found a new source of energy. She slept holding the letter in her hand at night and when she woke up, she re-read the letter.

Tamina wanted to meet Queen Satyaki, her childhood idol. But she had no clue how she will be able to meet the queen.

“How I am supposed to meet the queen?” Tamina asked Chandrima.

“We don’t get to meet the queen. We are small people,” Chandrima replied.

“But I have to meet her. I have travelled here only to meet her,” Tamina said more to herself than to Chandrima.

“Every afternoon, there is a session with the people. You can join the crowd and hope for the best,” said Chandrima.

Tamina knew if she would only reveal her real identity then queen would never say no to her but revealing her identity means going back to her palace, which she never wanted. She decided to reach Queen’s palace and try before she heads further in search of Marc.

She took bath and changed her clothes, the one Chandrima gave her. She took her sword, covered her face and walked towards the palace. Memories of her past started circulating in her head. Why meeting Satyaki was important for her? It was the only question that kept popping into her head.

She had learnt to fight after she had faced certain things in her childhood. She knew no one will be able to protect her all the time at a very young age and that is when she decided to undergo a training.

No one except her mother knows that when she was 12 year old, she had killed a person, who tried to take advantage of her. That was the first time, she held a sword in her hand and pierced it through the chest of the man, who tried to force him upon her.

It was during summer, about 10 years ago when Tamina was playing in the garden of her palace one fine evening. A man named Vyas, who was a distant relative of Atanu had come to visit them.

Vyas joined Tamina in the garden and asked her to show him what she has learnt from her teachers.

He asked her to dance while he sat in one corner far away from the eyes of anyone. While Tamina was engrossed in dancing, Vyas came closer to her and forced himself upon her. Tamina was really scared and she started screaming but Vyas held her mouth with his hand and took her behind the tree. He slapped her twice and threatened her if she ever opens her mouth, he will kill her parents and her.

Tamina was shivering with fear and all she remembers is how next moment, she pushed away Vyas and took out his sword and without giving it a thought she pierced it through his chest. Tamina stood there for a while watching Vyas die and she felt good.

She locked herself in her room for days, she wouldn’t come out. She was guilty of killing someone and that day was the day when she was not the innocent Tamina anymore. That one incident had changed her completely. That was the day when she decided to learn how to fight.

Months passed by but Tamina still used to spend most of her time in her room. Her mother tried asking her several times but she wouldn’t say a word and always stare blankly outside her window.

However, one night when Tamina was asleep, her mother Molly came inside her room. She sat down beside her daughter and stroked her hair with her hand. A lone tear trickled down from her cheek, thinking what has gone wrong with her daughter.

Tamina was asleep but she had been having nightmares about that evening. And she woke up with a jerk screaming. Her mother was taken aback and she hugged her daughter.

“I am here my child. I am here,” Molly said and started rubbing Tamina’s back.

Tamina couldn’t hold on to her thoughts anymore and she broke down in front of her mother and she told her everything that happened that day. Molly was shattered. She didn’t know how to react to this and she felt guilty for letting her guards down and her daughter had to face such situation.

Since that day, Molly never stopped Tamina when she wanted to learn how to fight. Molly knew that the only way to douse the fire sometimes is to let the fire grow. She hoped that one day, Tamina will be able to douse the fire within her and she will be fine.

It was a week later, when Tamina was being supervised by the chief of her father’s army, who trained her, when she learnt about Satyaki. Her trainer told her a story about Satyaki and how she freed her kingdom form the clutches of other rulers by leading in the battle and that’s how the kingdom was named after her. Tamina was moved by the story and all she wished since that day was to meet Satyaki.

Tamina reached the palace, the guards stopped her. “You cannot go inside. Who are you?” said one guard.

“My name is Tanna and I am a traveller. I am here to meet the queen,” Tamina said.

The guards looked at her and started laughing. They started cracking jokes on her. “This is not your home that whenever you wish you can come. This is Queen’s palace and we cannot let anyone in without permission,” said the guard and continued, “Please leave.”

“I want to meet the queen. Convey my message to her, I will wait here,” she replied. Tamina was a princess and though she was not in her real attire, she carried the authoritative tone.

Guards felt insulted that how can a stranger talk in such tone with them. They started making fun of her even more and that was when Tamina lost her cool. She took out her sword and kept it around the throat of one of the guard and said, “If I want, I can slash your throat right here and no one will be able to do anything. Learn how to talk with people first.”

A crowd had gathered around her, she sobered down and took her sword down. Meanwhile, one of the minister Chitraksh had come out to see what the chaos was all about.

“What is going on here?” Chitraksh asked the guards.

“My lord, this crazy girl wants to meet the Queen and when we told her to leave she took out her sword and threatened to kill us,” said the guard.

“He is lying,” Tamina said in a high tone.

“See, the way she is talking in front of you,” said the guard. Chitraksh asked the guards to be quiet and do their work. He walked towards Tamina and asked her, “Who are you?”

“I am a traveller. My name is Tanna and I want to meet the queen. I have waited ten years for this day and I have travelled a long way to come here. I mean no harm, I only want to seek her blessings. I learnt how to fight after I heard how she freed this kingdom from the clutches of other rulers and how this kingdom was named after her. Please take me to her,” she said.

Chitraksh looked into her eyes and he understood her desperation. “I will try but I cannot promise. You wait here,” he said and went inside the palace.

Tamina gave the guards a disgusted look and showed her swords to them. She smirked at the one who was constantly making her fun and signalled him to step back else she was going to swing her sword and slash his head.

While she was waiting, Tamina reflected on what just happened. She never thought she had so much of aggression suppressed deep within and she was surprised how it all came out. The way she behaved with the guards, she has never done that. “To survive, I must do everything in my capacity,” she said to herself.

Before Marc happened, Tamina was in love with Aksh. Aksh was a foreigner, who had come to visit their palace for some work two years ago. Tamina had no clue he was a mere puppet in hands of other rulers and he was here only to win Atanu’s confidence so he knows secret ways to the palace and other things that those rulers wanted to know.

He came across as a sober person, while people asked Tamina not to trust a foreigner but she did. She put her faith in him after she started spending time with him regularly. Back then, Tamina used to write regularly and every evening near the lakeside she would sit with Aksh and make him read what she wrote.

Aksh always treated her like a queen, and she was pleased that someone could pamper her so much. But she never understood the indications. Now whenever she thinks about those times, she knows what the intention behind his behaviour was but back then she was naïve and she was in love.

She believed that love holds a power that can change the world. She was so much in love with Aksh that she used to tell him a few secrets of her kingdom that Atanu never did. She never thought such situation will ever arise when Aksh will take advantage of her. She wanted to marry him and she allowed Aksh to touch her soul.

But three months later, Aksh had to leave for some work to distant land. He promised Tamina that he would come back for her and ask Atanu for her hand. Tamina was delighted and she agreed that she will wait for him. But Aksh never returned alone. What followed was a troop of army led by Aksh and his alliances to dethrone Atanu.

She remembers that night very clearly. She was sitting in her room, it was during the middle of night when she heard a commotion. She put on the armour and her sword and rushed downstairs to see what was happening. She was told that they have been attacked and a troop of army is marching towards their palace.

A voice brought her into reality. It was Chitraksh. “I have arranged a meeting with the queen and I don’t know why I am doing this but maybe meeting the queen is part of your dream and I don’t feel like disappointing our guests. Please come along,” he said and signalled her to walk after him.

The guards mouth was left wide open as Tamina shrugged her shoulders and smirked at them showing her sword to each one of them, she walked inside the palace.

Source: http://cdn.playbuzz.com/cdn/bc42e161-6a63-4f65-9696-b5d6af876091/69b1f7fd-0cc9-4092-8cc4-eec1eba6d24f.jpg

When I found my pearl…

2017-07-02T16:23:00.000+05:30

I was sailing through the rough sea,

High tides and stormy nights,

When my ship wrecked in the middle,

I was left in the middle of nowhere,

I didn’t know how to swim,

My life jacket kept me floating,

In search of a shore, I kept breathing

Hoping the sun would smile at me soon

The sun never showed up,

But I kept breathing,

Through the chills and frostbites,

I kept searching,

After a long wait, I found an island,

My body regained the lost energy and balance,

I had nothing left but my soul,

Finally, my feet found itself on the shore,

I sat down and uttered a silent cry,

I was alive but dead from inside,

Stranded somewhere alone in despair

I slept through the day and woke up at night,

The thought of me being the prey,

Didn’t let me sleep through cold nights,

And then under the moonlight,

I saw her walking by the seashore,

I pinched myself coz I thought I was dreaming,

But she walked towards me and held my hand,

I asked her who are you?

Another stranded soul like you, she replied,

Her hair played with the wind,

Eyes had their own glint,

Pain she had kept deep inside,

Hiding those scars with her smile,

She sat by my side,

And I felt safe,

I wish I had her arms around me,

Always…

She asked me, where I was heading,

I had no clue

She smiled at me and we stared at the sky

Counting stars and searching for food,

We survived with each other through every blow,

Didn’t realise when she came so close,

Now when I close my eyes,

I see her face,

I smile at life for sending her to rescue me,

For I had fallen into a void,

If she had not arrived,

And saved me through those colder nights

We are sailing again,

But there is no fear now,

For even if our ship wrecks,

We know we will make it through,

For I have found my pearl,

Amid the high tides and stormy nights

Source: https://static1.squarespace.com/static/558967a1e4b0e84204557547/5888d5fb17bffc62ea327e13/5888e3d217bffc62ea3364d9/1485366264232/I-found-you-here.jpg?format=1500w

The Seekers of Selfdom - Part V

2017-06-28T21:03:00.000+05:30

King Atanu had brought Achyut in, to seek his help and expertise in trading. It is been over two months since Achyut joined his kingdom and things have improved. He brought in many more contacts, which the kingdom lacked.

King Atanu was really happy the way things have flourished.

But Tamina wasn't happy with the way things were going. She overheard the conversation of her father and mother. Achyut had asked for her hand for his son Achintya. King Atanu wanted Tamina to marry Achintya.

Queen Moly tried to make Atanu understand that Tamina was not ready for marriage yet. But Atanu had clearly ordered Moly to convince Tamina as he has already promised Achyut and he cannot break his promise.

Tamina returned to her room, she was broken. She stood by her kingdom for her father but he was forcing her to marry his friend's son now.

She felt hurt. She wanted to run away. She knew if she married Achintya then neither of them will be happy.

She loved Marc and she wanted to wait for him. Even though the certainty of Marc returning to her kingdom was negligible. She was not even sure whether he loved her. But still she wanted to wait for him.

Queen Moly came inside Tamina room and she noticed her moist eyes.

"What happened my child?" She asked her

"I heard your conversation with father. I can't marry Achintya," Tamina said and broke down in her mother's arm.

Moly hugged her tightly and a lone tear trickled down her cheek. "I tried to talk to your father but he has already promised his friend. And you know he cannot break his promise. You should spend some time with Achintya and maybe you will start liking him. You will have to marry Tamina," Moly said.

It was late at night, when Tamina woke up from a nightmare. The same nightmare has been haunting her from a long time now. It was about Marc. She was worried about him. “What if he is in danger?” She thought to herself.

“But how I am going to find him?” She asked herself. She was surprised that how she can feel about someone, whom she met once and she was not even sure whether she will see him again.

“I cannot marry Achintya,” she reflected. But she didn’t know what to do. Her father won’t listen to her, she was sure and she had only one option – to leave her palace and wander in search of him.

She has never thought about leaving her kingdom before. Tears rolled up in her eyes. She sat down on her bed, held her head with her hands and broke down.

“Why I am feeling this way?” she asked herself.

“Where is Marc? Does he even care about me? What if I leave behind everything for nothing?” Questions kept darting in her head.

She got up from her bed, changed her clothes. She covered her face with a cloth, kept her sword in the cover and sat down on her bed. She should leave a note behind at least, she thought. She took out a piece of paper and ink.

Father,

I am sorry that I have to leave you like this, but I cannot marry the person you have chosen for me. You may be right in your own way, but I cannot marry him.

I am going in search of myself and I would request to wait for me. I will come back when my search is over and I am trained enough to take care of myself.

Maybe, I am not as good a daughter as good a father you are. Take care of mother and the kingdom while I am gone. I will write to you, whenever it is possible.

Love

Tamina

She folded the piece of paper and kept it on the table in her room. She took her sword, pulled up the window pane and jumped off. Tamina had trained her to evade from the eyes of the soldiers, who man the palace. She has been sneaking out from her room to visit the lakeside but today she knew she will have to go beyond it.

She walked down the dark forest without looking back, she knew if she looks back then she might become weak and then she won’t be able to go in search of Marc and she will have to marry Achintya. She stopped midway, mustered up all her courage and looked back at the palace.

“I will come back when my search is over Father, I will come back,” she said and marched ahead. She had covered her face, so no one could identify her. It was really difficult for a princess to wander in the middle of night, especially when things are not going well in your kingdom.

Tamina however, was confident of herself and the training that she had gone through. She was trained enough to keep herself safe. After walking continuously for almost an hour, she decided to take some rest. She sat down near a tree, kept her sword and closed her eyes for a bit. Flashes of how she met Marc started circulating in her mind. She was not in this world anymore, she knew. She had surrendered her soul to him, she knew. And finding him is the only option she had, she reflected.

“What is so special about being in love?” she asked herself.

“It gives you the courage to do anything. I would have never thought of leaving the kingdom like this way ever, it is only because of Marc, I was able to overcome my fears and go beyond it,” her heart replied.

“But do you realise what your parents will go through?” the mind asked.

“I know, they will be tensed. But how can they decide my life on their own? I should at least have the say, when it comes to my marriage. My father married the person he wanted, then why I shouldn’t do the same?” replied the heart.

“But what if Achyut take advantage of the situation and dethrones your father?” the mind asked again.

“Then I will come back for his head,” her heart said and continued, “I know what I have done will hurt a lot of people. But eventually things will fall in its right place and then they will understand the reason.”

There was an eerie silence, Tamina could hear the little creatures of night, and it was a full moon day. She looked at the moon and said, “Help me find Marc. Show me light, when there is darkness around. Hold my hand, when I fall. Give me strength when I am drained.”

“Marc, I am coming for you. Wherever you are, I will find you. And I know when I find you, we don’t need words to say anything. I know you are in love with me as much as I am because my heart can feel your presence in here. There are several questions in my head, why you didn’t come back for me? Maybe you tried and you couldn’t. I don’t know but I can’t wait. In every story, the guy comes for the girl. But in our story, the girl has left her world to find her guy. Wait for me,” Tamina said to herself and started walking again. It was dawn.

She stood there atop a high ground as the sun rose from the east. The first light of the day filled her heart with much needed energy. She could see the kingdom from the high ground, named after its queen, Satyaki. She had heard so much about the queen and how the kingdom was named after her, who was a fierce warrior of her time and since that day she had decided to learn combat and lead in the battle. But she could lead only once, and her father made her promise him that she will never be a part of any battle.

“I need to meet the queen but she should never know who I am,” she said to herself and started walking towards Satyaki kingdom.

There was chaos in Atanu’s kingdom. The helper had come to Tamina room to wake her up but when she couldn’t find her in the room, she read the note that Tamina had left behind. She immediately rushed to King Atanu and showed her the note.

Atanu was angry and shattered at the same time. He was worried about Tamina whereabouts more than the reason why she had to leave the kingdom. He was worried and several questions darted into his head.

“What if she gets caught by our enemies?” he thought in his head and ordered his men to go out in search of her.

Molly didn’t seem surprise. She knew deep down her daughter won’t hold back her feelings and she will fight it. A lone tear trickled from her eyes. She was worried about Tamina too.

“If anything happens to my daughter, I will never forgive you,” Molly said to Atanu and went inside her room.

Satyaki Kingdom was way too different from her kingdom. Women were not supposed to cover their faces here and there was a positive vibe around. Satyaki had alliances with almost every ruler around her kingdom. She had made a pact with all the rulers and she was most respected among the other rulers. Atanu, on the other hand, had started earning respect for his deeds but he lost in front of his own daughter.

Tamina was thirsty. She found a well where all the women were getting water for their houses. She walked towards the well. All the women there gave her a hard look.

“Who are you?” asked one of the women.

“I am a traveller. I have come to your kingdom to meet the queen. I have heard so much about her,” Tamina replied and she was amazed how she said the exact same thing that Marc had told her when she had asked him the same question.

“You look tired. Come, I will pour some water for you,” said the women.

“Thank you,” Tamina was pleased.

“My name is Tanna,” Tamina said to the women and greeted others. She had to change her name just in case if the word spreads here then she might get into trouble.

“My name is Chandrima,” said the women who poured water for her. “You can stay at my house,” said Chandrima.

“Thank You,” Tamina replied.

Chandrima walked Tamina to her home, it was small hut but from inside it was indeed beautiful. The house was decorated with handmade crafts and beautiful paintings.

“Do you paint?” Tamina asked her.

“Oh no, my daughter does. Her name is Sanyukta,” replied Chandrima.

“How old is she? This is beautiful,” Tamina said.

“She is 12 year old. Her painting help us to earn some money also. We trade them for food and other stuff,” Chandrima replied. Tamina felt really bad. Living in a palace, she has never tasted how life is without money and power.

“A few days ago, another traveller came to our kingdom. He stayed here. His name was Marc. He told us after he leaves, a girl will also come and I should take care of her. Are you the same girl?” Chandrima asked her out of the blue.

Tamina was taken aback. She never expected this.

“He also left a note for you,” Chandrima said and handed a note to her and left.

Tamina stood there in disbelief. She held the note written by Marc for her, her heart skipped a beat. He knew that she would come in search of him, how can he be so sure? She reflected.

She was feeling amazed and loved. He had arranged a place for her too. He knew Tamina had not wandered alone. She was so sure now that he loves her too.

She unwrapped the handwritten note, sat down on the floor and started reading it.

Dear Tamina,

I know sooner or later you will come in search of me and when you do that, you will cross this kingdom like I did. I don’t know why I am leaving a note for you even though I am not sure whether you will ever get to read this or not.

But if you do, then I hope you will get my message and if you are reading this, it means that even you love me like I do.

I know it is very different. Out of the place it seems like. We met and something about you stayed with me. The night when you came into my room and when you tried to help you out, I wanted to tell you then and there about how I was feeling. But then I was not sure whether you have realised it or not and that is why I walked away without saying goodbye to you because I knew you will realise one day and when you do that I know you will come to find me, for the fierce warrior you are.

You must be thinking, how can I be so sure? I could read your eyes when you had come to my room that night. I could sense that there is an immense pain that you have suppressed within your heart, a lot of secrets that you have kept locked inside your heart and the key is lost somewhere within you.

I could sense that you were doing something because you were told to do so, but deep within you always wanted things to end differently.

I had to leave Satyaki Kingdom soon as I couldn’t live at Chandrima house forever and I am leaving because I am not sure when you will arrive. But I am heading further north and wherever I will go, I will leave a note for you. Maybe that will help you to find me.

I hope to see you sooner, hope to embrace you in my arms sooner for our souls are intertwined with each other and the world cannot stop us to meet.

Love

Marc

Tears rolled up in her eyes. Tamina sat there and re-read the letter. She kissed the letter and felt the words scribbled by Marc over it. And she sat there as tears kept rolling down her cheek. She wasn’t sad, she was relieved to know that her heart didn’t lie to her. That she knew deep down that maybe even he likes her. And after knowing that Marc feels the same way as she does, she couldn’t control herself and she broke down.

Source: https://www.artmajeur.com/medias/standard/s/i/silvio/artwork/6927277_lostintime3.jpg

A walk down the memory lane...

2017-06-17T07:11:00.000+05:30

There are times in your life, when you dream something and then you cannot help but keep reflecting on what you saw in those few hours. Same happened today with me, in the evening when I took a small nap.

The craze that I have for time travelling actually did happen, for once while I was lost in my dream world.

It is the summer of 2009, I am in Bangalore walking in the lanes of Bhoopsandra road. That is where my cousin Pranay used to live then, in his tiny yet beautiful one room apartment. While I am walking towards his apartment, I saw the younger me.

It has been a long time since I visited this area, my cousin lived here for many years and I visited him a lot during the two years that I spent in Hyderabad. But this time, the younger version of me was here for some other reason.

He had just given his 12^th board examinations and the entrance exams for various engineering colleges. And he was sure, he won’t be getting a rank in any of them. He was scared and his time was over in Hyderabad. This time he didn’t wish to go back to his hometown Patna, he was feeling guilty of disappointing his parents all over again. He couldn’t face them and he chose to bunk at his cousin’s place doing nothing whole day.

Maybe he just wanted to forget the reality for some time. But he knew he cannot evade from the reality for a long time.

I walk upstairs to the apartment, making my way through the balcony where Tommy, the landlord’s dog; who used to hang out with the younger version of me, was sleeping.

I peep through the window and the younger version of me is having a conversation with my cousin. He is trying to persuade me to get on with life.

“Life will give you jolts every now and then but you have to face them. I don’t mind you staying here but you need to understand your situation and act accordingly. If you don’t feel like going back to Patna, you can stay here and take tuitions for the exams,” Pranay said.

“I know. I am not trying to evade from the reality. I am just preparing myself mentally. I don’t know whether I really want to pursue engineering but I don’t know what the other options are. I don’t know what I am good at and the fact that I disappointed mummy papa again after my 10^th board exams makes me feel guilty. I know they will never mention in front of me but I don’t have the heart to just walk in there,” said the younger version of me.

I had a clean shaved look back then, never tried growing beard and a different hairstyle. I was so much influenced by my surroundings then that I ended up changing my personality to fit in somewhere. This is something I have never told anyone except Tanushree Mukherjee but deep down, I know it was influential then.

“You have to figure it out. If not engineering then what is the other option. I cannot help you with that. No one can. And I understand. Even I was in the same phase. I flunked in my board exams and wanted to become a doctor. But when that didn’t happen, I took the alternative route through biotechnology and every day now I am trying to work hard to get where I wish to see myself. I want to tell you that life doesn’t stop. Failures are one important part that we must embrace but also learn. If the door is not opening now, then maybe you need to try the other door,” Pranay said.

The younger version of me looked tired. He was not annoyed by the fact that everyone was saying him the same thing. But he was feeling helpless. He didn’t know what to do with his life. And he was really immature back then.

Looking at the younger version of me made me think for a moment. While I was standing in the balcony, I reflected that how naïve I was once upon a time and how the challenges of life turned me into the way I am now.

The younger version of me excused himself and decided to take a walk. I immediately went downstairs and hid behind a car. When I reached here somehow, I wanted to meet the younger version of me and maybe sit with him and talk. But suddenly I realised that I cannot do that.

I cannot ruin the party for him. He has no clue what life is going to offer him. He has no clue that he will be crushed by life for another five years and those challenges of life is what going to turn him into a person which is the future me. I cannot take it away from him.

I saw him getting down from the stairs, folding his sleeve of the shirt. He took his phone out and called one of his friend, I didn’t get the name though. While he was walking aimlessly talking over the phone, laughing out loudly and cracking jokes about how he couldn’t crack any of the exams and he don’t want to go back to Patna, I kept walking behind him. I kept following him.

He went to a mobile shop and recharged his phone, bought a pack of britania cake and cold drinks and started walking again. And then he sat near a restaurant on the main road, where he usually used to sit and talk on phone for hours.

I was standing at a distance, it felt good deep down to see me that way. To know that I was once really immature and I didn’t care much about the people. But I seemed happy in my own way. Even today I am happy in my own way, but the challenges of life has turned me into such a mature person that sometimes I do feel the need of not making sense.

I stood there watching him, and I smiled at myself. “You will grow beard one day boy and you will meet the person meant for you. And you will realise that your world was never this beautiful. It will take time though, she will arrive when you will be feeling that there is no meaning to your life. When you will shattered and then she will arrive in the most unexpected way and then your life will blossom. And not just that she will change your life in the most needed way but you my boy will show her light. Because one day she will be as lost as you are now and by then you will know what it is like to be lost. You will make some really good friends, who will be willing to go to any extreme for you, our parents, which you think is not able to understand you now, will ask you to wander into the unknown and your brother will be always there as the pillar of strength. You are going to win my boy, challenges will never stop but you will learn to fight,” I whispered to myself looking at the younger version of me.

I started walking back, I left the younger version of me with his own thoughts and life. Also, because I know how things are going to fall in to the right place but yes there is a storm awaiting for him. And he needs to go through that storm. For a moment, I also thought if he doesn’t go through what is awaiting next, then maybe the future version of me will be entirely different.

“I am not going to like that version of me. I like this version more,” I said to myself. And I woke up.

Source: https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BVO9lweqFHE/VIgOYsF2rlI/AAAAAAAATH0/1CqH4eFE4XE/s1600/01%2Btime%2Btravel%2Bmachine.jpg

The Seekers of Selfdom - Part IV

2017-06-03T13:02:00.000+05:30

The next morning, Tamina didn’t leave her room. She didn’t feel like eating or taking a stroll outside like every other day. She was feeling guilty about not being able to help Marc, who without even asking left a note for her, which exactly the thing was going on in her mind. Several times she thought of asking her father to help Marc but she knew she was not answerable to the questions which her father will raise. She looked outside her window, it was almost afternoon, and she wondered where Marc will be at this hour of the day. While she was lost in his thoughts, one of her helper came inside her room.

“King Atanu wish to see you princess,” said the helper.

“I will be there in a bit,” Tamina replied.

Tamina got up and changed her clothes. She was not in a mood to even step out of her room but she cannot say no to her father.

King Atanu was sitting in the dining hall, a few of his old friends have visited the kingdom and in their honour the entire palace was busy in preparing the delicacies. Tamina walked in the room and said, “You wanted to see me father?”

“Tamina, my sweetheart come here. I want you to meet my childhood friend Achyut and his son Achintya,” Atanu said. Tamina greeted them with her gentle smile.

“May the lord bless you Tamina,” Achyut said and continued, “She is beautiful.”

“Thank You my lord,” Tamina replied and said, “Father, can I be excused?”

“Take Achintya along and show him our palace,” Atanu ordered her.

She had no options but to pretend that she was ecstatic in showing Achintya her palace. She was afraid what if they decide to get her married to him. Whenever her father has asked her to someone’s son the palace, things have gone terribly wrong. She prayed that was not the case.

Achintya had a good physique and a good height. Though they were traders, Achintya has been trained for combat or so he says.

“I have heard a lot about you,” Achintya said looking down.

“What have you heard about me?” asked Tamina.

“That you are a fierce warrior and you are beautiful,” he said.

“But father never allows me to join his army in the battlefield except once when we were outnumbered,” she said.

“And that one story has spread across every kingdom. Wherever we go for trading they have mentioned your name and every prince wants to marry you,” Achintya said and winked at her.

Tamina couldn’t hold on to her thoughts and said, “Are you here to marry me too?”

Achintya was taken aback with the sudden question. He had no clue what to say. He thought for a while and replied, “I don’t know why we are here.”

“Don’t mention this to your father that I asked you this. I am tired of all this. Every now and then someone comes to ask for my hand but I don’t want to get married right now,” she said.

“But someday you will have to,” Achintya replied.

“I wish that day never arrives,” Tamina said and looked away.

There was a brief pause, Achintya had only heard about her and after spending a few minutes with her he realised Tamina was a free bird who wanted to fly but she has been caged inside the palace. She has not been kept here forcefully, she wants to be here but she wants to be here on her own terms. She was a rebel.

“Do you how to use a sword?” Tamina asked her and a thought flashed in her mind.

“Yes,” Achintya replied.

“Grab one,” she said and took out her sword. The duo bowed to each other and what followed next was a 20 minute rigorous battle. Initially, Achintya was trying to go soft on Tamina but looking at her aggression, he took the face-off seriously. But he missed a lot and Tamina got carried away by her emotions and she ended up hurting Achintya.

“Oh I am really sorry,” Tamina threw away her sword and rushed to see Achintya. Blood started rushing out of Achintya’s arm, Tamina immediately tore a piece of her clothing and wrapped around his hand.

“I am really sorry, I got carried away,” Tamina apologized.

“You really are a fierce warrior,” Achintya winked at her. “Don’t worry no one will get to know about this,” he said.

Tamina stepped back and looked around to see if anyone was around. “We should go back,” she said and started walking back to the dining hall.

King Atanu noticed Achintya’s hand, he knew his daughter has done this to him. He didn’t say a word as immediately Achintya told everyone that how he was checking out the swords and he got injured.

“We should eat,” Atanu announced and everyone took their seat. Tamina’s mother Moly was back from her visit and she requested Atanu for wait for a few minutes so she could join the feast.

“She had gone to meet her mother. She wasn’t doing well. I thought of going to but the situation here was not quite healthy,” Atanu said to Achyut.

“Times are bad my friend. And especially for you, a lot of rulers are eying this kingdom,” Achyut said.

“Let them come and fight us. Then they will never dare again,” Tamina said in a firm voice.

“You shouldn’t talk like this in front of your elders,” Atanu scolded her for getting carried away.

“She is right. If they want to dethrone you, your army should take them out. It is important to send a message to the outside world that only because you are a humble king that doesn’t mean anyone can overrule you,” Achyut said and smiled at Tamina.

Tamina was confused. She has never met them and suddenly an old friend of her father has surfaced and is trying to convince him to fight. Tamina scolded herself for doubting her father’s childhood friend intentions; experiences in her life has turned her into a person, who finds it very difficult to trust anyone.

She was thinking about Marc again. She was afraid what if he gets into trouble. He doesn’t even know how to fight, she was worried about him. She scolded herself again. Why she was worried so much about a stranger? The question kept darting in her head as her mother’s voice brought her back into the reality.

“Where are you lost my child?” Moly said and hugged her daughter. “It’s been so long,” she said.

Queen Moly was from a distant land. She was a princess of a small kingdom in the west and she met Atanu through her father. They never thought they would marry each other, considering they belonged from different culture and spoke different language. But an invisible thread tied their knot forever. However, their marriage came in not a very good time. Moly’s father died during a battle and Atanu married Moly to ensure her kingdom is looked is safe after her father’s demise.

“How is grandmother?” Tamina inquired.

“She will be fine soon my child,” Moly said and greeted Achyut and his son Achintya.

After a brief pause, Achyut asked Atanu about the trading in his kingdom. “I want to help your kingdom by working with you. We are traders but these days you cannot trust anyone. You must be wondering why suddenly I paid you a visit. We want to work with you and we will help your kingdom to boost revenue. I know the time is not quite right but we need your support,” he said.

Atanu without even thinking replied, “You don’t need to ask me for anything my friend. You are my oldest friend and I trust you more than my life. I will be grateful to work with you and your trading skills will help us in expanding our trading in different sectors.”

Tamina and Moly were looking at each other with surprise. Though they were not doubting Achyut intention but Atanu’s immediate reply came as a surprise for them. Atanu has never made any decision in a rush, he always think before arriving at any decision.

“I am grateful to you my friend,” Achyut said and hugged Atanu. Atanu asked Achyut and his son to join him for wine and they excused themselves. Moly and Tamina was sitting in their room, it has been a long time since the mother and daughter spoke to each other. Moly has been gone for over a month.

“How things are here?” Moly asked Tamina.

“It is not going very well. We had a visitor while you were gone. A foreigner who goes by the name Marc. He is a traveller and a writer and he wanted to write about father. But I misunderstood his intentions and summoned him in front of father and he was asked to leave the kingdom. Father still doesn’t trust me. He thinks I will repeat the mistake. I know we put our trust in the wrong person once but it cannot happen everytime,” Tamina said as her eyes turned moist.

Moly held Tamina’s hand and asked her, “Do you like this stranger?”

Tamina was taken aback. “I don’t know about that mother. But I think he needed our help but the way we treated him was not good. And today father didn’t even think twice before making his friend partner in trading. I don’t doubt their intentions but it is a big decision,” Tamina said.

“Look my child, your father need people whom he can trust right now. Things are not going really well in our kingdom and if his friend wants to help us then there is nothing wrong. And don’t worry we won’t ask you to marry his son, if you don’t wish to. My child, you will marry the person you want and when you want, that is my assurance,” Moly said and took her daughter in her arms.

“You take rest, I will check on your father,” Moly said and left.

Tamina got up from her bed and took out the small case, where her thoughts were locked. She took out the handwritten note that Marc had left for her. She re-read the words scribbled by him on the piece of paper. She kept it back into the case, took out a fresh piece of paper and ink. She wanted to write today. She stopped writing years ago but today she felt a strong urge to write again.

“There are times, when I feel like running away from everything and everyone but why I can’t? Even if I want to, the thought of my loved ones always stops me from taking the plunge.

They say, this world is a cruel place and I must not step outside my kingdom. But how will I know if I don’t taste the cruelty? They say we cannot trust anyone from the outside world, but why this heart wants to believe that there is someone out there for me, waiting for me.

Someone who don’t want to keep me caged but allow me to wander like a free bird. Someone, who would love to read my mind, without telling him what is going on inside this head.

I have been betrayed once, and that has left a deep scar in my soul. Not that I have not forgotten about it but it is becoming difficult to trust any other soul. I distanced myself from things that gave me happiness in a hope that will make me tough. But at times, I don’t recognise myself when I look into the mirror.

Someday, I want to go to the countryside, sail through the majestic sea and wander in the distant land where no one knows me. But times are tough and I cannot leave my father here alone, I hope this phase ends soon.

My world is quiet small but I don’t want to be caged here anymore. Since the day, Marc has left, I cannot stop thinking about him. I don’t know what he means to us, I don’t know if I can put my faith in him, but my heart says so to trust him. But my mind rebels against my heart and there is a battle ragging inside my head.

I don’t know where you are, but I hope to see you again. And maybe this time, I won’t hold you by your neck and point my sword to you. Maybe I will just sit by the lakeside with you, and read what you write.

Maybe someday I will show you what I have kept locked inside this heart. But I don’t know if that day will ever arrive. I don’t know where to find you and I don’t know if you would like to find me, again like you did once.

I will wait by the lakeside for you, in a hope that someday we meet. But if that day doesn’t arrive then I will accept it as my fate. If I have to choose between my father and you, I will surely choose my father. But you will reside within this heart.

I have been lying to myself all this while that I don’t know whether you mean anything to me or not. Because

I don’t want to believe that you mean something to me, because that will not hold me back in this cage and I will wander in the unknown looking for you.

And that is why I am pouring out my feelings here so I can lock this inside the case and never open it again. This is certainly the last time, and I wish this is not the last time. I wish you come back again, and this time I will ask you to stay. I will fight with the world to make you stay here. I will be waiting by the lakeside.”

A lone tear trickled down her cheek. She folded the piece of paper and kept it inside the small case. She locked the case and kept it inside her bed.

Source: http://static1.squarespace.com/static/540b69eee4b0faf3641fb012/t/5890ddc52994caec4e1760ac/1485888966180/Nicole_Campanello_A+Sudden+Blowsm.jpg?format=1000w

The Seekers of Selfdom - Part III

2017-05-21T19:46:00.000+05:30

King Atanu was sitting on his throne, holding a glass of wine while Marc was summoned in front of him. Atanu was informed that Marc was a foreigner and was caught inquiring about him with a small girl and was involved in fighting with a person of the city.

“Why are you here?” Atanu asked him.

“My lord, forgive me if I have done anything wrong. I only wished to meet you. I have heard a lot about you. I am a traveller and a writer and I wish to write about you. The world needs more rulers like you and the people out there must know about you,” said Marc.

“Times are not good and we cannot put faith in a foreigner. We have been betrayed several times and if anything goes wrong I will be held responsible for putting so many lives in danger. You seem like a nice person but I am afraid I cannot help you. You can stay here for the night but you must leave early in the morning and never return to our kingdom,” Atanu said firmly and asked the guards to take him to the guest room.

Tamina walked in as her eyes met Marc’s. She handed him his bag and he didn’t say a word to her. He walked towards the guest room.

“Father,” Tamina said in a low tone.

“I have told you several times not to talk to foreigners. Why did you bring him here?” Atanu was upset.

“I am sorry father but had I left him with the people of our city they would have killed him,” she said.

“You remember what happened the last time we put faith in a foreigner right? I hope you have learnt something from your experience,” Atanu said and left.

Tamina stood there, thinking about her past. How she ruined everything and almost brought her kingdom down and put many lives on risk because she fell for a foreigner, who was nothing more than a pawn of other rulers who wanted to dethrone Atanu.

Since that day, Tamina has kept her heart locked for everyone. She never allowed anyone to come near her. She was afraid more about her father and the people of the city and had vowed to her to keep herself away from such distraction.

She has grown tougher since then and she has forgotten about what love feels like. She has closed all the doors of her heart and all she wanted to do was carry the legacy of her father. But after reading the handwritten note by Marc, her heart felt something that it never felt till now. She was amused at the fact that how she can get so easily drawn to someone’s writing. But she admired the truth in his writings and she wished to read more. But he will be gone tomorrow morning and she cannot meet him during the night.

Tamina walked in to her room, she was tired and she wanted to take a bath. But she wished to be left alone, so she asked the helpers to leave her alone.

She sat down in front of the mirror and stared at herself. She was not like this once, she reflected. There was a time when Tamina enjoyed reading and jotting down her feelings in form of poetry. But time has changed and so she has. Not that she didn’t feel like, but she couldn’t.

And today after reading the handwritten note, she couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was refreshing and at the same time painful to learn about someone’s misery. Especially, when you are a misery.

She was taken aback by his words that claimed he believed in true love and he shall wait for his one. Tamina smirked at the thought of it, “how can someone be so pure?” She thought and dismissed her thought.

“No one is pure. Everyone is here to take other’s advantage,” she said to herself. She took off her clothes and walked in to the bathroom. She filled the tub with water and relaxed herself by taking a long bath. She wanted to wash away all the memories of her past but it kept coming back. Though she had moved ahead, but every time her heart felt something, she would put a stop to her feelings.

It felt as if she was still punishing her for getting attracted to someone, who only cared about power and money. And every single day she punished herself for she believed that it was because of her mistake, her father had to suffer so much.

“But not all are like that,” she thought. But she dismissed her thought immediately. She didn’t know why she was thinking about all this, but she did know who was behind all this. And she wanted him to stay for some more time. She had no clue why she felt about it the way she was feeling, but something inside kept telling her to stop him. But she didn’t know how.

Marc was lying on the bed and thinking about a way through which he could convince King Atanu to allow him to stay in the castle. He was here for a purpose and he wanted to fulfil it before leaving. But he didn’t know the complexity of this kingdom, he didn’t know something has happened here in the past, which has changed the people of Atanu.

But no one would tell him anything and he didn’t know whom to ask. He took his bag and took out the note. He realised that it was not folded in the same way how he had left.

“She read it,” he said to himself and smiled at him. He remembered the moment she was returning his bag, her eyes were moist. He was maybe mad at her for summoning him in front of her father and didn’t notice. And now he knew that she read his note, and she liked it, liked it so much that it brought tears to her eyes.

“Only she can help me to stay here,” he said to himself. “But how?” he kept thinking. “I cannot meet her at this hour, if someone sees me I am dead,” he kept thinking. “But I can take a chance,” his mind said. “You will be dead,” his heart assured him.

He kept tossing from one side to the other side of the bed. He knew he had only a few hours before the dawn breaks and he will be thrown outside this kingdom by Atanu’s men. He got up immediately, took his bag and peeked through the door, there were two guards outside his room. He cannot fight them and he cannot bluff them either. They were tall and strong and wide awake.

He opened the window, but he couldn’t figure out which was Tamina’s room. Even if he jumps out of the window, he cannot find her room. He didn’t know what to do, he kept his bag and went back to the bed.

“Let’s sleep. I will think about this tomorrow,” he said to himself and he heard a murmur outside his room. He sat down on the bed, he was nervous. “What if they decide to execute me?” he thought and grabbed his bag.

The door creaked and entered a few guards, followed by Tamina. One of the guard poked Marc and signalled him to get up as the princess was here.

“You wait outside and give the room to us,” Tamina ordered her guards. They obliged to her and shut the door from outside.

“I was thinking about you,” Marc said. Tamina face was red, she didn’t like anyone talking with her like this.

“I am princess Tamina for you and I am not here to make love to you,” she said.

“Why are you here anyway?” Marc asked her irritably.

Tamina let out a sigh of relief. She walked towards the window and said, “A few years ago, we were betrayed by a foreigner. Since then my father has been extremely cautious about foreigners and he never allow them in our city. I want to help you.”

“Why you want to help me?” Marc asked her.

“I have been living a nightmare since that happened. I need my own freedom and that can happen only if my father realises that not all foreigner are mean and they mean no harm for our city. If he is able to gain that trust then you can do your work and at the same time, it will help me to gain my freedom,” she said.

“You are doing this because you think if your father allow me to stay here, he won’t budge you with these guards and all?” Marc asked her and burst into laughter.

“He will kill me and lock you in the dungeon if he came to know about the truth. I would rather live and write than die because the Princess of Atanu has gone mad,” Marc said.

There was a brief pause. Tamina was thinking how to make marc understand the reason why she was requesting him to do something for her. She knew she was not telling him the truth and maybe that is why she couldn’t be any more convincing. But she didn’t wish to tell him the truth about her, after all she didn’t even know him.

“Very well then. Be ready. You will leave this kingdom before the sunrise and if we see you here again, don’t expect any help from me,” Tamina said and left.

A few hours later, Marc was escorted from the castle. The guards were asked to drop him outside the city and make sure he doesn’t return. Tamina was standing at her window, when he was leaving. She stood there watching him go away. She had no clue why she tried to stop him. She had no clue why she almost spilled the truth. And she had no clue why she was awake only to see him once before he leaves.

Before going to sleep, Tamina walked into the guest room where Marc had stayed. She sat on the bed, and she felt something underneath the matt. She got up and put her hand underneath the mat, and it was a piece of paper folded in a twisted way.

She unfolded the piece of paper and it was the same note that she had read. Marc had left it for her.

Along with the handwritten note, there was another one. She unfolded the piece of paper and started reading,

"Does it hurt?" The mind asked

"Yes, it hurts. But it is only a phase, which will pass soon enough," replied the heart.

"How can you be so optimistic all the time?" The mind asked again

"Because you are not helping and I can't let this soul to fall into another void because of the fears that you keep generating every now and then," the heart replied.

"I am trying not to but there are times when I can't do much about it," the mind said.

"Then don't lose hope at least. Together we can make everything right. We just need to be in sync and then see how things change," the heart replied.

"Hmmm... I guess you are right," the mind said.

"I am always but often the soul listens to you. Hope they had heard me, they would never have been in this phase in the first place. But it is fine. We can still make things right. Just hold my hand and walk with me through the storm that lies ahead. Nothing will go wrong," the heart said and extended a hand towards the mind. The mind this time grabbed it tightly.

She folded the piece of both the papers and walked upstairs into her room. She took out a small case, unlocked it and kept both the papers in it. The case had hundreds of papers with her thoughts scribbled on them.

Source: http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7200/6857736221_75b1a97606_o.jpg

The Seekers of Selfdom - Part II

2017-04-25T21:54:00.002+05:30

The dark forest near the lake was only half a mile from the city. Marc took his bag and started walking towards the city. He felt thankful for the cool breeze that has sober down the climate.

The street was a bustling market, oddly enough a lot of people were out in the afternoon. Marc made his way through the pool of people and tried to inquire about the castle. However, all he received in return were blank looks.

He realised things have not been going well in the city and people were somehow scared with foreign visitors. “There must have been something. There is a story behind their looks. I need to find out,” he said to himself as he bumped into a small girl.

“I am sorry I didn’t see you,” said the small girl and got on her knees to pick her collection of stones.

“Wow, these stones are beautiful. Where did you find them?” Marc said as he got down on his knees and started checking out the stones.

“There are a lot near the lake but I don’t get to go there. Princess Tamina gave me these,” the girl said.

“What is your name?” Marc asked the girl.

“My name is Helena,” she said and extended her hand. Marc shook her hand and asked her again,

“Who is Princess Tamina?”

“Are you new here? Everyone knows about her. She is the bravest girl of our city, the daughter of King Atanu,” Helena said.

“Yes, I am new here. Can you tell me the way that leads to the castle?” Marc asked her but suddenly he was pushed aside by a strong man.

“Helena, go home now,” the strong man said and looked at Marc. Marc got up from the ground, dusting himself he said, “Why everyone keeps pushing people here?”

“Who are you? And why were you inquiring Helena about King Atanu?” the strong man asked him.

“I am a traveller and I have come here to meet the King. But no one is telling me the way to the castle. Can you help me?” he asked the strong man.

“Go back from where you have come. There is no place for foreigners here. You leave else I will call the army,” he said holding Marc’s collar. A small crowd has gathered around Marc and he knew if he did anything foolish he will be thrashed by the crowd. The crowd looked angry. But then a thought flashed in his mind and he punched the strong man in his face.

The crowd went mad and Marc started running for his life.

“Get him,” the strong man screamed and a dozen of people were running behind Marc. He kept running making way through the pool of people and suddenly he was beaten down to the ground.

The crowd held him tightly as the strong man approached Marc. “How dare you hit me? That too in my face. You will pay the price for it now,” the strong man said and he was about to punch Marc when a girl’s voice echoed through the crowd.

The crowd suddenly went quiet and bowed down to their Princess Tamina. There she was, riding on a horse, with her sword in hand she ordered her guards to get Marc.

The guards handcuffed Marc as Tamina ordered them to follow her to the castle. The crowd cheered as they thought the foreigner will be executed.

“What they are so happy about?” Marc asked Tamina in a high pitch tone.

“They are celebrating your execution,” Tamina smirked at him.

“Are you going to kill me?” he asked her.

“Not me but my father will surely,” she said.

“But I get to explain myself at least,” Marc asked again, he was getting nervous and anxious now.

Tamina gave him a hard look as they entered the castle. “Take him to father,” Tamina ordered the guards as they obliged to her.

“Give me one chance to explain first,” Marc kept repeating. Tamina stood there listening to the foreigner’s voice until it stopped. He was inside the castle.

Tamina picked up his bag and opened it. It had a few books, a map, a few apples and a handwritten note. Her eyes caught the attention of the handwritten note. She unfolded it and started reading.

“This world is not a bed of roses but a path full of thorns. I am here to walk over those thorns, without screaming a bit about the pain that it will give me. The world is about battles and heroes but no place for travellers and writers.

I am not welcomed anywhere and people look at me with suspicion. When this will get over when the sun will shine and put an end to the pain that this world is going through. When love will overpower greed and paralyse the lust for power.

With every day passing by, I am growing weak but my eyes are still searching for those pair of eyes that ignites the fire within me. I shall travel north and south, to the east and west until my search for my one is over.

And when she will be there in front of me, I will allow our heart to do the talking. I will only sit by her side, take her hand into mine and ask her to become mine forever.

While they say nothing lasts forever, I want to prove all of them wrong. I want to show them that love cannot be defeated and I will keep trying until my last breath.

Let us walk again and wander into the unknown in search for those pair of eyes who look at me with care and affection and not suspicion. And when that happens, I will know that I have found the person with whom I will rewrite the story of this cruel world, so the generations to come, will remember us and keep love alive.”

By Marc Rhinhart

She read the note again, she could feel the words scribbled on it. She could feel the pain of the man she had just summoned in front of her father. Her eyes were moist and she didn’t know why.

Source: http://michail.at/images/20111221231121_the%20dog%20and%20the%20loneliness.jpg