Drugged Life

Musings On Drug Use

2012-10-13T02:40:00.000-07:00

(Please note that this was written prior to the last post when I was still using Methadone)

Here I sit in the library with heavy eyelids and a bright view of the future. My eyelids are heavy due to the methadone I have injected today - all of yesterday's dose - which combined with today's dose that I drank this morning is having precisely the effect I had hoped for.

Although I remain committed to sobriety I am still in love with opiates - in fact I think I always will be. That is the most difficult aspect of drug addiction to wrap my head around - drugs make you feel good. Sure there are negative effects but with opiates generally those negative effects are few are far between and in any case are primarily caused by the illegal nature of the substances rather than the substances themselves. For example, one negative effect of opiates is their addictive nature. However, if they were not illegal there would be little danger of running out and one could avoid the negative consequences and associated panic of withdrawal. Of course this leaves out the aspect of being beholden to a drug. It is not nice to know that you need any substance, but my need for opiates is hardly different for my need for the medication that keeps my glaucoma under control and protects me from blindness. In both cases the substance in question treats a malady and must be kept in regular supply to avoid serious consequences, yet one class of drug is treated very differently by society than the other.
Of course there is also the aspect of cognitive deficiency caused by using opiates; while I admit the deficiency caused is rather mild and cannot compare to the cognitve impairments caused by drugs such as marijuana or methamphetamine.
So we are left with the question of "why?" What factor or factors exist that motivate my decision to cease using drugs. A primary one is that opiates sap me of my motivation; of my will to do...anything. Also, they give me comfort by insulating me from the hurt of being alive. However by insulating me they also cut me off from full engagement with the world and therefore from a complete understanding of my problems and the path to their resolution. What use is being alive if I am not willling to engage in life; to be honest with myself in regard to my shortcomings and sincerely ask myself what can be done to be a better man.

Methadone Withdrawal - 65mg to Nothing

2012-10-13T02:12:00.001-07:00

Plans don't always work out the way you intended; sometimes it's for the best and other times maybe it seems like you've make a great big fuck up - and then later you realize it was the best choice you could have made. I am hoping the choice I made a week ago was indeed correct but only time will tell.

Over the last 3 months I have been trying to get off Methadone. I was up to 100mg per day and felt like it was starting to affect my ability to concentrate, not to mention the many other cognitive skills that are useful when one is trying to complete a psychology degree. Therefore I made the decision to move into a small apartment attached to my parent's house so I could get away from the drug filled and permissive environment I was in at that time and work on reducing my Methadone over the next few months.

Being in a new environment I found it easy to stop smoking marijuana and cigarettes. Well, easy is may not the best word, but it wasn't as hard as I expected. Now 3 months later I've only had one small slip up (as described in a previous post). As far as the Methadone I have been gradually reducing my dose every few weeks until last Friday when I was down to 65mg per day.

The plan was for me swap from Methadone to another drug called Suboxone (buprenorphine) and then taper me down to having nothing by the time I was to enter rehab on the 31st of October.

Now the thing with Suboxone is that for it to work your opiate receptors have to be clear of any other opioids. In other words you have to be in withdrawal, so instead of my usual two takeaway doses I was only given one dose for Saturday and nothing for Sunday. Being the bad boy I am and wanting to enjoy one last hit I injected the takeaway dose I had been given that same day knowing I could get through the weekend without too much discomfort. I figured it was my last chance anyway and so worth the extra discomfort.

Come Monday I was feeling alright as I was driving to the clinic. I was feeling so good in fact that I pulled over and thought about what I was doing: I was off to take a drug to help me get off another drug. It didn't seem to make sense to me especially considering that I was feeling far better than expected. So, I turn my vehicle around and headed back home.

The nurse from the clinic later called to ask where I was. I explained why I hadn't come and she was quite supportive and even offered me some diazepam if I needed it that night to sleep. It's not like I am going turn down Valium being the druggie that I am, and it did take the edge off my anxiety about what was to come and helped me sleep.

My symptoms have gradually gotten worse through the week but to seem to be evening off a little now. Sleep has not been great even though I have been almost completely free of what, in the past, has been my worse withdrawal symptom - restless arms and legs - but then that is probably due to the Valium I have been taking.

So it's been a whole week now. I've come too far to stop now. I crave a shot of something nice but it wouldn't be that easy to get it being that I have put so much distance between me and my old suppliers. At this stage I feel really tired yet not confident that I'll get the sleep I crave tonight or any night soon. I also feel very emotional. I was actually in tears listening to John Lennon earlier and I feel them coming on again just thinking about it. So best I leave you now. Talk again soon and sorry for the rambling post - my brain isn't at its best.

Morphine Hot Shot Then Back On Track

2012-09-21T19:53:00.000-07:00

I apologize for having taken so long to get around to writing this post. It feels as though the great enthusiasm and mental clarity I felt in my first few weeks of sobriety has waned and has now been replaced with the heavy burden of the reality and seriousness of the huge task that lies before me. The more my dose of methadone reduces the more I struggle with the craving to have more - always more.
This past week there was one particular day on which, after taking my dose of methadone for the day, I felt completely unsatisfied. I just couldn't bear the thought of only having my prescribed dose the next day - I needed more. So I made a call and arranged to buy some morphine. I did this thinking that I would be able to then take it to another guy who would have the necessary chemicals to turn the morphine into heroin. Unfortunately when I got to this house I found out that the necessary chemical was scarce all through the opiate using community. There was a possibility of getting some if I waited around, but that was something that even the prospect of a good hit wasn't enough to convince me was something I wanted to do. Instead I thought "bugger this, I'll just go home and inject the morphine straight". Very bad idea as it turned out.
Injecting morphine is never very pleasant as it is accompanied by a large release of histamine in the the body. The histamine causes a sensation of prickling, itchiness and flushing of the skin; however, it is usually manageable. Having been quite some time since my last injection of straight non-treated morphine I must have lost my tolerance for histamine or something because as I slowly depressed the plunger on this dose I felt the largest more uncomfortable sensation that has ever accompanied any injection of mine. I hadn't even gotten a third of the way through the dose when the prickling started. I rubbed my neck and face to try to alleviate the itch and stopped pressing the plunger any further in while I waited for the wave of histamine to pass. Instead it just kept building and building until I pulled the needle out and collapsed on my hands and knees on the bathroom floor with blood pouring out of my arm and the sensation of someone hitting my head with a sledge hammer over and over again. BOOM BABOOM BOOM BABOOM - the drumming of pain continued in my head. I didn't know what was happening. I was scared and my whole head felt like it was on fire. I stumbled to the cold tap still dripping blood all over the flood and my clothes. I grabbed a washcloth, soaked it in cold water and tried to cool my burning skin down in a futile effort to feel a little better. At least the prickly sensation was gone but the pounding in my head remained. I cleaned myself up as best I could and stumbled into the lounge to google "pounding headache morphine injection". I quickly found numerous similar stories generally from people new to injecting or who had injected too much. Many thought it might be caused by bacteria in the injected morphine solution, but the mention that morphine could raise intracranial pressure had me convinced that was what I had experienced; added to the fact that it had been a long time since my body had to deal with the injection of that substance. My body was protesting my stupidity and abuse. "Never again" I told myself.
I have started on the road to sobriety and I owe it to myself to see what I can accomplish without the reliance of drugs in my life. I know that one day I'll use some heroin but that will only be when I have accomplished full engagement with life. When I have overcome my secrets from myself and can look at myself honestly in the mirror and say "what a beautiful day to be alive".

Smooth Sailing On Methadone Seas: The Myth of Self Control

2012-08-24T01:39:00.001-07:00

One day after another comes and goes, and every day and in every way I'm getting better and better.

Ok, maybe not every way but I am making progress!

I slipped once in my journey to abstinence from marijuana, and if not for that I would have been clean from smoking anything for over a month now.

It happened like this:

Sitting here one night feeling a little bored and, maybe because of the boredom, a little anxious also. I remembered that I still had my marijuana pipe so I got it out, along with my little tin that I used for storing my drugs in, and had a bit of a scrapping session.

Now as most of you will know marijuana can be a little sticky at times and because of this a little of the resin from the outside of the flowers ends up stuck to the surface of whatever container you use to store it in. If you have ever tried hashish...well its the same thing.

I was able to scrape up enough of the stuff to half fill the bowl of my small pipe. I smoked it and sat back on the couch. As the high started coming on, along with the stoned feeling came a feeling of uneasiness. I felt stoned but it wasn't enjoyable. I thought back to all I had been through to keep myself in a steady supply of this stuff and wondered "why?".

In the past few weeks I had been really enjoying the new clarity of thought and greater ability to focus. I had been able to read again and actually follow a story without having to go back multiple times to re-read the same piece I had just read but forgotten because my mind had drifted off to some faraway place. It's little wonder that my studies had become so difficult. I had attributed my difficulty to the increase in my methadone dose but I knew now that was clearly not the whole story.

I knew that in order to avoid a repeat of this experience - a momentary desire for drugs that once satisfied would leave me with a sense of deep regret - I had to remove the ability to quench the thirst. If there were absolutely no drugs around, no pipes and no needles, then no matter how great the desire I would not be able to do anything about it.

Right there and then I gathered up everything to do with drugs all my tools and supplies, and put them all in a bag. I immediately took them out to my car so I wouldn't forget to do so in the morning. The next day I dropped by the needle exchange, explained what I was doing and handed over all my gear.

I have not smoked anything in the two weeks since that night but I have still been struggling with the desire to inject my methadone. So using the same philosophy I have arranged to change the place I pick up my methadone to the Alcohol & Drug clinic. This means that I don't need to drive into the city to pick up my methadone and therefore won't go near the needle exchange and the needles I need to inject methadone with.

It all comes down to this: Self control is a myth. If you really want to modify your behaviour you must realize this fact and put systems into place that take account of your times of weakness and prevent you from slipping when you are at your weakest points.

Struggles with craving - its beginning again!

2012-08-09T05:04:00.001-07:00

Well, here I am again. My brain is running out of artificially induced serotonin, the "feel good" neurotransmitter so I find myself wanting...something, anything that will give me another shot of that substance.
When this weekend arrives I will have been clean of marijuana and nicotine for three weeks - now that's the longest I have been without either of those intoxicants for the past two years or more! The marijuana has been easy by virtue of the fact I have removed myself from the environment in which I was in where everybody around me (even the neighbours) were regular smokers. I think that is the single biggest deciding factor. I mean it's not that I haven't wanted to stop for a long time; its just that my attempts have all been pretty half-hearted knowing as I have that sooner or later I would be offered a smoke by someone and that I would not have the willpower to say "no". Now that I don't have that issue, and because there are no easily obtainable sources close by by new house, it is just so much easier to resist the urge.
With cigarettes, the change of environment has also helped immensely. Once again, there are no smokers around, therfore, I am not being constantly subjected to the idea of smoking (although Hollywood doesn't help us much on that front!). With all these factors falling into place getting to this point has been about environment more than willpower. I think that the most important lesson I have learned in my journey through addiction is that we really don't have any willpower; rather, it's all about setting up a situation where temptation is removed and there ceases to be any need for willpower. However, now I am at this point and the chemicals are really clearing from my system, my brain is noticing this lack of pleasure-giving serotonin and sending the message that to remedy the situation I should seek out a cigarette and a joint. I just have to keep telling my brain that I am doing this for its own good, and that it will thank me further down the line. Once my body and brain reach a state approximating homeostasis then things will be a hell of a lot better for both my body and my brain. For now I just have to keep reminding myself of that fact and stick with the nicotine patches and lots of long walks to keep myself away from temptation.

I sure would appreciate any advice people have to offer...

Setbacks and Progress and Setbacks and Progress

2012-08-08T06:37:00.001-07:00

Please excuse my absence from this blog. I have had a difficult few months really. Things were going OK for a while. I was still using but after my last attempt at rehab nearly two years ago I had managed to keep things reasonably stable. My usual schedule of use was to inject a 30mg shot of 'homebake heroin' about once every ten days or so. The problem with such a schedule is that you are always fighting incredible cravings in between times of use.

Eventually I went to see the alcohol and drug service and informed them of the situation - that I was using again and that that use was starting to creep up again. I requested to be put on some sort of opiate replacement therapy and they suggested dihydrocodeine (DHC). For a while this was a good measure. The craving was brought under control but I didn't stop using - I was merely more competent at maintaining a steady level of use rather than gradually using more drugs more often. Of course, as most of you with experience of addiction know, anytime the stress levels creep up so does the drug use.

Adding to my problems with drugs are my problems with social anxiety. In an attempt to self-medicate this disorder, when there was some anxiety-causing social engagement I was due to attend I would combine a couple of days DHC pills (I would get takeaways for the weekend) with a shot of 'homebake heroin' to help calm my nerves. Rather than being a significant aid to my social anxiety issues this practice just made me a boring party guest with a tendency of throwing up far earlier than my hosts would believe was attributable to drinking, and making me look foolish as well as an obvious drug user.

As time progressed the effect of the DHCs was counteracted by tolerance so I transitioned on to methadone. With some effort I managed to institute some beneficial changes. I joined the gym and moved to the country. I was even able to get back into studying toward my psychology degree. For a while things became quite settled and it seemed that going over to methadone had been a wise decision. It even had a significant benefit on my social anxiety. Life seemed to be going peachily.

I have always been attracted to, not only the high that opiates gives, but also the act of injecting. As my relationship with my flatmates at my new accomodation deteriorated and as the stress of exams started looming I began to inject my methadone further and further in advance. This behavior led to my tolerance rapidly increasing. This began a terrible pattern that was bound to end in disaster: I would complain to my case manager at the alcohol and drug service that the methadone wasn't doing what it should. She would put my dose up, and I continued to inject. Before I knew it I hit 100mg of methadone per day and my brain hit slowdown in a big way. Come exam time I was so far behind I didn't even bother sitting them. I got into a major argument with my flatmate and was asked to leave the flat.

Now here I am a few weeks later and things have started to improve. I have managed to stop smoking both marijuana and cigarettes for over two weeks and have reduced my methadone down to 95mg per day. I was able to get a medical dispensation for not sitting my exams because my work had been quite good throughout the year, and I am due to go to a residential rehab program in just under two months time. If I can manage to wean myself off methadone in the next two months and stay off the other drugs then I feel like I will have a really good chance of getting clean once and for all. I know there is a hell of a lot of work to do in the meantime but I feel really positive and hopeful about the future. I feel that in spite of my many setbacks in the past year I have actually come a long way. Now is the time to consolidate those gains and really grab life by the balls and hold on for all I am worth. The payoff will be worth it I know, and the costs of failure too dismal to contemplate. It can be done and it will be. I will keep you informed along the way.

Methamphetamine

2012-04-22T03:05:00.002-07:00

I don’t know what to expect. I’ve had it before and it’s been good, but sometimes it’s been better than others. Furthermore, my memory of speed is polluted with the memory of other similar drugs that have a “speedy effect’ but are not technically speed. Drugs like BZP, and Ritalin (methylphenidate), caffeine and Red Bull (if you can call that last one a drug - but why not?). Also, I have tried a drug called adrafinil, which is in the nootropic or ‘smart drug’ category. Nootropics are not really a speed in that they don’t give you much of a physical feeling of energy - at least not the sort of nervous energy that speed can give you, but rather a type of mental energy, a mental clarity. Nothing is forcefully sped up, but the drug allows the brain to work more efficiently so you feel the feeling of things going faster because your thoughts are able to progress from one to another faster than they would usually be able to go, and therefore, you move faster toward your end goal - psychologically speaking that is. Physically, you are able to move faster on adrafinil because your brain controls your physical actions, and a brain on adrafinil can make decisions about which physical movements to make in less time. I’ve always wondered though about these fantastic rushes I heard of people getting from speed. Heroin at its best has given me some pretty fucking fantastic rushes but definitely not the sort I would imagine you would get from speed (methamphetamine). Heroin covers us in warmth and peace, and makes us feel as though there is a wall that separates everything in the universe that can or has caused us hurt. Speed, I imagined, would be a bolt of lightning to the brain, a physical connection to my higher power outlet, an instant rejuvenation and a feeling of invincibility.

Well, it sort of was like that. I didn’t know how much I should have, so I left it up to my patron.

How about a fifty bag? “Sounds good to me”, I said to him. And then he left me alone with my rites.

As I said, I didn’t really know how much I should have. I may not have known much about speed, but I could see that this stuff was pure. The word at the local needle exchange was that there was a lot of pure stuff around, and this looked like it. I was pleased about this for two reasons: firstly because pure speed is strong speed, and secondly because pure speed is easily dissolved in water with no need for anything like citric acid or even heat. I had to be careful because I knew that even though the amount I had was a tiny volume, I didn’t know how strong it was. In the end I went for the whole amount at once. I was pretty sure I would want to have all of it and I could always stop half way through injecting it and see how I felt.

I tipped the bags contents out on to the spoon I had prepared and added about half a milliliter to the bag to wash any residue out. A quick stir to make sure all of the drug was dissolved and it was ready to draw into the syringe. I dropped a little bit of a wood-fiber filter into the spoon and drew the clear liquid into the syringe. And then I was ready to fly.

As I readied my tourniquet I couldn’t help but feel nervous. Not so much that anything bad would happen but that not enough would happen. I wanted to be impressed by a shot for once, instead of what I have felt the majority of times I have injected any drug – disappointed and pissed off! I slid the 27-gauge stainless steel needle through the scar-hardened skin of my inner arm and felt the release as the pick entered the vein and the blood within it. I removed the tourniquet and began to slowly but steadily depress the plunger so the 1.5 milliliters of fluid started to leave the plastic chamber and enter the chamber of my flesh. I got to the halfway point and took a quick status check – ‘any sensations?’ ‘Any lightness beginning in the head?’ ‘No, well let’s continue. (I hope this stuff is bloody well going to work!) So I keep pushing the plunger down until the chamber is empty. Then, as I usually do, keeping the needle in the vein I draw a half ml of blood into the syringe with the theory in mind that it will wash any remaining amount of the drug out of the syringe and into the bloodstream. Then I sit back and wait for the drug to hit – but there is nothing… oh, wait! There’s something. My chest is expanding. There is a warmth spreading from my chest up the back of my neck and rippling through my scalp. It’s getting stronger. It’s not stopping! OH MY FUCKING JESUS CHRIST!! THIS IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!!! It feels like the fog is lifting and my brain is all of a sudden alive again. I like this and want more.

Are You A Lifer?

2012-02-23T23:08:00.001-08:00

I have been on methadone for for about 6 months now, and I was on dihydrocodeine (DHC) for about 3 months before that. This is the second time I have been on methadone and I can't say when I'll get off it - whether it will be 6 more months or 6 more years is a mystery to me. Like the author of the trip report below, I too feel there is an inevitability to my drug use. The knowledge of the effects of drugs is not something I can just forget - it is burned into my brain forever. Isn't it understandable that knowing such blissful feelings are available to me through the use of these substances, I would want to continue to make use of that gift of the earth?
Of course as time goes on I learn to be more controlled and become more disciplined in living true to my value system. I have learned that along with the pleasure comes the pain but opiates make the pain a little easier to bear and the pleasure a little brighter and more...pleasurable! This article puts my thoughts on the subject into words in a highly skilled manner. Enjoy!

What Has Two Years of It Gotten Me?

Methadone

DOSE:

150 mg

oral

Methadone

BODY WEIGHT:

180 lb

Hello. I want to start off saying that this is not a negative review of methadone. Most reviews I've seen of people who have taken methadone are non-tolerants who've tried it once and abhor it, and I find that a vast majority of people don't really know anything about it. Most people know something, but its usually not much. I thought that it would be nice to have someone with a bit of experience with methadone. Now it can, just like any other substance, do as much harm as it can good. I've been taking methadone through a local maintenance program for over 2 years now, and I've consumed a varitable mountain of methadone pills. And I'm at the same place I started out. I sit here now sick with anticipation and also drug withdrawl. You see I'm not the ideal maintainance patient, as there are days that I take more than I am supposed to. I am alotted 150 mg every day of the week, and, since I've been going for so long, I go to the clinic once every two weeks, get a dose there, and they bottle up the next 13 days and allow me to take it home. Which for me is a mixed proposition.

Methadone is an opioid (synthetic opiate) first synthesised and manufactured by the German Army in World War II because of their lack of a sufficient supply of opium. Its been used here in state approved and closely watched 'methadone clinics.' It is tyically given to someone coming off heroin or morphine, although it can be used for any opiate addiction, from codiene (weak opiate) to dilaudid (strong opiate). Don't let those labels fool you, the weakest opiate in the world is just as addictive as the strongest. And the clinic is completely volunteer. I have to go in there myself and ask for help, the courts won't tell me that I have to go. Most drug treatment programs actually do not use methadone, some are dry-out places with no drugs, others will provide you with some benzodiazepenes (anti-anxiety drugs).

When I started the methadone program back in november of 2001, I had been using morphine (primarily), heroin, and occasionaly oxycodone when nothing else was available. I would steal my family's prescription painkillers, or anyone else's for that matter; but mostly I just bought drugs from friends. When I admitted myself, I was desperate for any drug at all. The morphine supply just dried up where I was living, and I figured I might as well get the state to sponsor my addiction. Who wouldn't want a legal drug addiction? Like I said, I was desperate for anything that would quell this horror that continued to rise up inside of me when I wasn't on opiates. I started out just taking one or two hydrocodones two summers before, when I was still in high school, and even before that I was drinking bottle after bottle of Robitussin (the first 'drug' I ever did), sitting in my room by myself, listening to music for hours, just enjoying 'the feeling.' I knew as soon as I first tryed opiates, when I was drinking some of my little brother's prescription cough syrup (with hydrocodone), which I thought had the same active ingredient (dextromethorphan, an opiate relative, but completely non-opiate in its actions) as OTC Robitussin.

I knew as soon as the feeling started to hit me, 15 minutes after I downed 2 ounces of 'M-End Solution' (I think that was what it was called), that it was something very different, but so much better, than what I had been taking. I thought 'I don't know what I took, I could die.' but the opiates had already captured my love and affection. I was happy as a clam, but in an extremely subdued fashion, realizing that if I did this every day, my life would be a wonderful journey, without pain or sorrow, where I could be the person I've always hoped I could be.

Looking back, being free from the bonds of pain hasn't been exactly what I thought it would be. I started taking 30mg of methadone my first day at the clinic, and I was in awe of its power. Now, somedays I cut into my doses for the rest of the two weeks and take sometimes up to 400 miligrams, and I still get high. I think that crap about methadone patients not getting high is a total lie. True, I don't get as high as I did when I would put a needle in my arm, but even with my 150mg dose, i feel serene and the world looks beautiful. But the last time I took any methadone was Saturday night, so I'm sitting here sweating and shaking wishing that tomorrow morning was here. My clinic day is Wednesday (tomorrow), and I can go as soon as it opens at 5:30 am. I have some xanax and klonopin on me, just in case things get too hairy before then, I can take one of those and sleep the rest of the night off. And when you're as dope hungry as I am, waiting is almost impossible. Time drags and drags, and I can't find anything to take my mind off my own stupid suffering that refuses to let up.

But even with this pain, which I continue to cause myself week after week by digging into my methadone reserves, I'll concede that it has been great, but it is deffinately bitersweet in many ways. I used to absolutely love music, art, my wife, but being on as much methadone as I am, my emotions are dulled to a point where I finally feel like they can't overwhelm me, but I lose the feelings of happiness and joy. I also lose most of my ability to be empathetic, and I can't understand what others are feeling. These dull brown eyes just look coldly from my face, overrun by that emotional apathy I used to find so appealing. I just don't care anymore, as long as I can get my methadone and no one stands in my way. My wife doesn't even know I'm on methadone, and I continue to keep it from her because I am afraid she will ask me to stop taking it. And I love her so much, but when given the choice, my answer would be obvious. And I don't want to have to choose methadone over her, so I just keep lying. Lying about where I'm going at 5:30 in the morning, lying about where the $77 a week just to pay for the methadone is going, I even lie about why somedays I just keep nodding off, and then somedays, I just lie in bed all day, tossing and turning, my skin crawling off my body, just existing in what I feel like is my punishment for getting to feel so good so much of the time.

And if there is one thing I believe in, it is balance in this world. To get high, you gotta get low, to feel pleasure, you must experience an inverse amount of pain.
I was naive in thinking that I could fight that balance, by feeling good all the time, without even looking down from my tall tower in the clouds to even consider what was happening outside this body. I cannot escape that one truth. I know that now. But now I'm stuck here, almost 2 and a half years on methadone. And I know that I'll be on this for life. For me, there is no other way. I've tasted what life can be like, and how am I supposed to turn back now? I've found a cure for lonliness, for sorrow, for boredom. I can't turn back now. So consider what I've said before you follow the path I've taken, and the path countless others before me have traveled. I have found that there really is no way back.

Exp Year: 2003	ID: 31219
Gender: Male
Added: Sep 12, 2006	Views: 32392

Retrieved from: http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=31219

Why do people use drugs?

2011-05-25T17:10:00.001-07:00

The question of what motivates drug use is an extremely difficult question to answer. Maybe because there are many different correct answers.
Psychologists distinguish between two types of behavioural reinforcement - 'positive reinforcement' and 'negative reinforcement'. A lot of people think of negative reinforcement as punishment, but they are actually quite different concepts. In positive reinforcement a stimulus is presented when the desired behavior is emitted (or performed) in order to reinforce the behavior by rewarding it. In negative reinforcement the same thing is happening - a behavior is rewarded in order to reinforce that behavior and therefore lead the animal (or human) to be more likely to perform the behavior in response to a given stimulus. However in the case of negative reinforcement an aversive stimuli is removed as a reward for the emitted behavior. So in both cases there is a reward but in negative reinforcement the reward is the removal of something unpleasant. An example of negative reinforcement in humans is the putting up of an umbrella. Doing so is rewarded by stopping the rain falling on your head. This is negative reinforcement.
In the case of drugs there has been some debate over whether the drug taking is positively or negatively reinforced. Do people take drugs because the are rewarded with a high or because they a rewarded by the removal of depression, anxiety, or other unpleasant emotions? What if it is both? One could argue that the concepts of positive and negative reinforcement are not very useful. In any situation of reward with something there is also something taken away. If I give a dog a biscuit I am also removing hunger. If I open an umbrella the rain stops falling on my head but I also gave myself a dry space under the umbrella. I am sure there are many other examples that you can think up.
It is not my intention to answer the question of whether these concepts are useful but just to share the idea with you. It is another way of highlighting that to find the answers to the drug problem we must think outside the box and question everything that we assume to be true. The toolbox we have had in the past has not been able to solve much but I believe we now have the tools required - The Internet and and open mind.

Making a Resource for All

2011-04-27T02:18:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to anyone who accidentally finds this site.

I am trying to add more content and hope to bring you some significant changes soon. What I would really appreciate from you guys is some feedback. What do you want to see? What did you like and want to see more of? Is there an aspect of drug use that you are struggling to find info on? The answers to these questions and any thing else you would like to share - maybe a personal story? Please share your thoughts with me on anything. shoutatthesky@hotmail.com

Look forward to hearing from you!

Legalize ALL Drugs?

2011-03-07T23:26:00.000-08:00

In 2001 Portugal abolished all criminal penalties for "personal possession of drugs - including marijuana, cocaine, heroin and methamphetamine". So what has the result of this course of action been? Well of course the society has collapsed, all civil order has evaporated, and crowds of bleary eyed, AIDS-infected, psychotic and violent youths roam the streets raping old ladies and torturing animals??? Well that may be the case in the nightmares of the right-wing prohibitionists but the truth is something else entirely.
The result of Portugal's change of philosophy has been lower rates of drug use, dramatically lower levels of infection of the HIV/AIDS virus and higher numbers of addicts in treatment. Not to mention huge monetary savings from not putting so many people in jail. The money saved has been directed toward funding the higher levels of treatment.
It would be my prediction that in the long term the effect on the crime rate will be significant as far fewer people are having to engage in criminal activity to fund their habit. There will be fewer unplanned pregnancies and lower rates of venereal diseases. Fewer drug users will need treatment for things such as abscesses, infections and other health problems associated with injecting with poor technique, reused needles, and unhygienic or poorly lit injecting environments. Not to mention less people dying from overdose. The list of benefits is endless.
Due to my own history I tend to focus on the issues relating to the injection of illicit narcotics. The next logical step in my mind would be to work on getting rid of another common risk to injecting drug users - unclean gear. To achieve this a legal supply network needs to be set up to supply clean, pharmaceutical grade drugs to users. This system would also go a long way to removing funding, and therefore power, from the hands of criminal organisations.
An interesting contrast to Portugal is the failed policies of the United States of America. With 5% of the worlds population but 25% of the worlds prisoners they show the rest of the world that having some of the world's harshest sentences for drug crime does not equate to lower use. I like this little factoid from a recent Time Magazine article on Portugal's drugs policy - "Proportionally, more Americans have used cocaine than Portuguese have used marijuana".

Which ever way you look at the argument it is clear that it is time to look at doing things a little differently than just punish, punish, punish, and hope it goes away.

To check out the Time article click here

Earthquakes in Godzone?

2011-03-02T03:30:00.000-08:00

On the 22nd of February, 2011, an earthquake struck the New Zealand city of Christchurch. The quake measured 6.3 on the Richter Scale, yet because it was only a few kilometres deep and right beneath the city it was far more damaging than the 7.1 quake that struck Christchurch in September of last year.

An iconic landmark of Christchurch is the cathedral. The spire of which lies scattered on the ground with an estimated 20 people crushed beneath it. A common sentiment expressed in the wake of the quake is 'let us thank God for saving us' and I have to wonder 'what is wrong with these people'? They really didn't get saved, they just didn't get killed. And if they were saved - from a collapsed building for example - then it wasn't a god who did the saving, it was the combined work of hundreds of highly trained Urban Search and Rescue (USAR) personnel, or in many cases everyday citizens who happened to be in the right place to be able to help. To give credit to some supernatural being who in thousands of years of human civilization has never once given humanity concrete evidence of her existence is just ludicrous. By that rationale God made her own house fall down causing the deaths of 20 of her most ardent admirers not to mention making a hell of a mess on her floor. Oh, and making sure no one will be going to church for the next couple of months!

I would question why a benevolent god would allow such things to occur. Freewill! God gave us freewill when Eve ate the forbidden fruit - at least that's the story. But if we didn't have freewill before that event then it must have been God's choice for the fruit to be eaten because Eve didn't have the freewill to make those kind of choices. Anyway that is the most common reasoning I have heard from Christians - that God doesn't make these things happen and neither does he stop them because after we gave up our freewill (that we didn't really have) then God no longer intervened in the affairs of the world, he merely oversaw things running on the divine version of auto-pilot. Looks like the plane is headed for a bit of turbulence Jesus H!

I don't think I'll be heading to Christchurch for a while. On top of the privations of a shaken up and seriously damaged city there are all these nutters running around. First the Christians, then the scumbag looters showed up (at the home of a trapped woman whose family were out standing vigil at her collapsed workplace), and now this crazy pederast fuckwit Ken Ring who is scaring a large number of frightened, fragile, albeit not very intelligent people who are living through the trauma that is their life in post-earthquake Christchurch by saying he predicted this quake and he thinks another one will hit on March 20. This guy usually sticks to predicting the weather - something most people would not be surprised to find that the forecast was wrong about - but now he is talking about people's lives. He is saying he can predict earthquakes based on the movements of the planets (particularly the moon) and the corresponding actions of the tide. I would hesitate to call what Ken Ring does pseudoscience because it would be more accurate to call it 'Lucky Sometimes Correlation Identification' or maybe just 'bullshit'. One of the first things every scientist learns is 'correlation does not equal causation'. This means that because two events happen at the same time that fact is no reason to believe that one caused the other or vice versa. For example - every morning at 8:05am when I get in my car to go to work the weather forecast is playing on the radio. If I was Ken Ring (The Moon Man) I would say that my getting in my car caused the weather forecast to play on the radio - but of course that is absolutely absurd. By claiming there will be an earthquake in Christchurch he can't help but be right because there are a lot happening every day beneath NZ (over 4500 just in the Canterbury region in February). Instead there is a far more common force at work - Greed. This sick cunt just wants to drum up some publicity to sell a few more of his books and what better way than playing off peoples fear. I'm off to pray to God for deliverance!

To Chch Residents - I will not pray for you but I am thinking of you and doing what I can to help. The things that make Chch a great place are not the buildings and the roads but the hearts of the people and the natural beauty. Those things can be hurt but they are not destroyed. You guys will get over this. For some it may mean moving to another town or city and if that is the case for you then I will fully support your decision. There is no rush. Take all the time you can to heal and recover.

Your friend, Lucien

Nietzsche

2011-02-24T01:20:00.000-08:00

Here is a couple of quotes from two of my favourite literary stars.

“In individuals, insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

“There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception.” - Aldous Huxley

IV Injecting Technique

2011-02-20T02:27:00.000-08:00

This video is a brief guide to safe injecting.

IV Injecting Technique

The best thing you can do is to avoid ever injecting illicit drugs, but if you are going to do it you should be aware of the many risks.
Intravenous (IV) injection within a medical setting, with highly trained professionals operating in a sterile environment with sterile equipment, make IV injecting a safe procedure. However with amateur technique, a dirty environment, and dirty drugs, there are many more risks.
It goes without saying that you should never share ANY equipment used in preparing and injecting any substance.

Above all - Be respectful of the drugs you are taking and the dangers they pose to your health and liberty. Don't let your actions negatively affect other people.

Peace, Jim

Opiates for Depression, Anxiety, and other Psychological Disorders

2011-02-19T06:20:00.000-08:00

I'd rather be dreaming than living
Living's just too hard to do
It's chances not choices
Noises not voices
A day's just a thing to get through
Living's just too hard to do

- Loudon Wainwright (?)

In the 14th century the bubonic plague spread through Europe leaving an estimated 75 million people dead from the disease. A more modern deadly plague is depression; said to affect nearly 10% of the American population.
The first-line treatment for depression is pharmaceutical, usually with a class of drug called Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors (SSRI). These drugs have severe side effects including, excess sweating, headache, sexual disfunction, nausea, suicidal ideation, weight gain..... WAIT A FUCKING IRONIC MINUTE - SUICIDAL IDEATION - thoughts of suicide are really not a very convenient or safe side effect of a medication prescribed to treat depression. I mean let me get this straight - I go to the doctor for help with my depression and he gives me a drug that kills my ability to orgasm and makes me want to kill myself AND sends me into withdrawal if a stop taking it. Withdrawal that will involve staying awake for days, uncontrollable yawning, and having the most mind-fucking nightmares when you do fall asleep. Nightmares so terrifying that in spite of your deathly tiredness you are deathly afraid to sleep. And then there is the electric 'zaps' that feel like you have just grabbed hold of an electric fence in each hand that strike without warning throughout the day - and this is supposed to help you with depression how? You may think that I am exaggerating the severity of things but I haven't told you yet about how I got arrested and spent the night in jail.
I think it was between about a week and ten days after I had stopped taking the SSRI's when I decided to go into the town centre to see a friend or two and have a few drinks. I hitched a ride the 5 kilometers into town and walked the remaining distance to the supermarket. I bought a 1.25 Litre bottle of cider (about 5% alcohol) and started walking toward my friends house. I drank as I walked and managed to leisurely consume about 1/4 of the bottle in the hour it took me to walk to my destination, stopping to see if I could convince a pair of mormon missionaries to convert to atheism and get my free copy of the book of mormon. I failed at that task but did succeed in getting to my friend's house. I hadn't called or arranged anything and it happened that they were out. I continued on through the suburban streets and decided to try another friend. She wasn't home either so I continued on vaguely in the direction of home, taking my time and drinking my cider. I was walking along in the darkness when dark thoughts of mischief crept into my skull. I started looking for the telltale silhouette of a car's locking knob not properly engaged in the 'lock' position. After a couple of blocks I came across a row of cars neatly parked across the street from their owners' houses. Conveniently located on the edge of large public park, or, getaway route as I saw it. I spied an unlocked hatchback and quietly got in. I started looking through the car for anything of value and didn't find much more than a few loose coins and an old sports magazine. I suddenly had the brilliant idea of hot-wiring the car and driving home. Of course being quite drunk by this time, combined with the stolen car just wasn't great thinking, but it didn't get that far thankfully. I did manage to start the car and then promptly found the steering column locked and therefore not very much use at all. I grabbed my paltry loot and exited the car, then hightailed it across the park to a dark alley where I could sit and recover.
I think my brain was in a particularly chaotic chemical state at that time. Not only was I still going through withdrawal from my not very sensible sudden cessation of SSRI medication but I was taking some diazepam periodically and had taken about 10 - 20mg the previous day. Not to mention the cannabis I had earlier in the evening and the cider I had drunk through the evening. The cider was by no means an excessive amount in the context of my drinking of that period, but combined with the other circumstances of my neurochemical condition, it led to a very disordered and confused level of thought.
In this poor condition I thought that given my paltry score from the car, it would be completely reasonable to go back for more. It was while doing so that I leaned down to see if anything of value was stashed under the driver's seat. Doing so brought my stupid head down onto the horn for what I would later learn was the second time. The first time had been enough to alert the owners, who alerted the police, that some stoned idiot was fooling with their car. When I saw the lights approach I ducked down to hide and when they didn't pass I realised that the game was up. The disgusted looking policeman who opened the car door grabbed me out and proceeded to arrest me and bundle me off to jail where I was to be remanded until the morning court session. I was booked, and the I talked with a representative from the mental health services who explained what would happen, and also took notes of my side of the story. Then it was into a cold, lonely, liberty unfriendly cell.
I was not very much a fan of authoritarian types like policemen so was rather annoyed when my request for a drink of water was denied. This was incredible to me that such a basic necessity was being denied because of what I thought could only be spite. To bring them around to my way of thinking I proceeded to use the metal tab on my zipper to scrape the skin off the soft underside on each of my lower arms. With some impressive but not dangerous blood running down my arms I was soon brought a drink of water in a styrofoam cup. A small victory in a sea of idiocy.
I was found guilty but avoided a mark on my record by being accepted for 'diversion', a scheme run in New Zealand by which an offender is diverted away from the punitive type institutions and into the types of activities which educate about the downstream effects of your crime such as the effects of the crime on the victims, and the consequences of a life spent engaging in criminal endeavours. For me this involved attending a meeting with the police, my victims (a young married couple), my brother, and a community representative. I learned about how the incident had affected them and I was able to tell them about some of the circumstances of my struggle at the time. It was quite a reality affirming experience actually because it revealed the true nature of the crime - the extent of my idiocy and intoxication, and their initial fear and annoyance which had turned into increased vigilance and fear in relation to their own security and that of their belongings. It also became clear to me that faced with the information they now had about my troubles, although not changing their opinion of the wrongness of my crime, did at least allow them the freedom from ignorance of the nature of events. With this knowledge came the ability to fully process events and move on without lingering disturbance.
Given this experience I think it will be clear to you the reasonableness of my opposition to the widespread use of these toxic SSRI type medications. I wouldn't want to see them removed completely from the prescriber's arsenal but they need to be used with extreme caution and only with patients that have not achieved success with psychotherapy or other non-drug treatments.
Given the obvious danger associated with current medications it is only logical to look for alternative pharmacological solutions to the plague of depression and one idea that intrigues me is the use of opioid drugs. It is an idea that is an ultra-powerful electro magnet turned to high and attracting controversy every time it is mentioned in public.
Opioids have been used for thousands of years in the treatment of physical pain, but modern anecdotal evidence suggests that opioids may also be effective in treating psychological pain. The law in most places seems to prohibit the prescribing of opiates as a treatment for depression but that doesn't stop some sympathetic doctors prescribing opioids for pain in some part of the body when in fact the intended target of pain relief is the psyche.
I have heard of more than one person who on detoxing from a long-term opiate addiction developed symptoms, and were eventually diagnosed as suffering from bi-polar disorder. These same people had for years successfully maintained heroin habits with the high-functioning intellect required of the lifestyle.

So? Tell me what you think please.

A study of opiate use in chronic non-cancer-related pain and the effect its use has on rates of depression.
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/729521

P.S. I will continue to look into this subject and will periodically present my findings on this and other subjects to the world and to those who accidentally find this blog.

Setbacks are just setups for comebacks

This activity is a proven method for treating depression. Whether it is the exercise or the scenery is a question I am still working on fingi

This guy is not depressed - in fact he is quite happy with the way things have been going for him,

Methadone and Positivity

2011-02-18T03:54:00.000-08:00

I guess my first post wasn't the most positive toned communication. I am generally a positive guy so I have a gift for anybody who accidentally stumbles on to this blog thing. I have been trying to write an article on different treatments for detoxing from opiates so I thought I'd share this rough draft of the section on Methadone.
Yes, I have been on Methadone. I was on a very small dose of 15mg. This was supposedly to treat my morphine addiction however it didn't work out that way. Being on Methadone brought me in to contact with a new set of people. People who could show me how to cook morphine into homebake heroin and how to inject my drugs. So I went from drinking liquid morphine before treatment to injecting heroin, and injecting methadone when they gave me take home supplies. It wasn't long before everything collapsed and I was off to in-patient detox in the Hilmorton Hospital, Christchurch, New Zealand. But that (as they say) is another story.

Methadone

Methadone is the trade name of a synthetic opiate first developed by German scientists in 1937. Their task was to develop a painkiller that would make Germany self-sufficient by eliminating the need for opium imports. Although the Germans succeeded in inventing the compound, it wasn’t until after the war that the formula for Methadone was found amongst files confiscated by the Allied forces and the patent was made available to pharmaceutical companies for the bargain price of one United States Dollar. In the following years the product was released under at least thirty-three brand names – one of which was Methadone

Methadone first became commercially available in 1947 and by the 1950’s it was being used as a treatment for heroin addiction. For the first time doctors had a treatment option that had a viable success rate. During the 1960’s Vincent Dole, M.D. carried out groundbreaking research using a variety of drugs to treat opiate addiction. He noticed methadone had a unique ability to not only treat the symptoms of withdrawal but also to reduce cravings for opiates significantly. It was Dr. Dole who developed the once-daily dosing schedule that is still used today.

Further research has shown that Methadone, given adequate dosage, also has a blocking effect if any other opiates are used. It is for this reason amongst others such as level of craving present or the presence of any opiate withdrawal effects, that the dosage you receive as a methadone patient is reviewed regularly and adjusted accordingly until you feel comfortable.

Methadone is increasingly seen as a legitimate medication for lifelong treatment of opioid dependence but for those wanting to get clean it can be a valuable aid that can help the addict get back a sense of normality and a level of stability in their personal and professional life. Once a level of stability is achieved a gradual dose reduction program can be implemented. This program should proceed at a speed the user is comfortable with. Greater success rates have been found the longer a methadone patient remains in therapy.

I welcome any comments....

Blogging?

2011-02-16T21:19:00.000-08:00

Most people who know me may consider it uncharacteristic behaviour for me to be writing a blog. Well, go fuck yourself! Anyone who really knows me will know that intellectually I don't dwell in a box. Instead I consider all things on their merits and judge them according to their intrinsic value, not the value placed on things by society. Acceptance by society is never an indication that something is meritorious or not. Just look at religion. As Krishnamurti said, "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society". And society is certainly sick. Just look at the war on drugs - still not effective in stopping people using drugs, still causing untold misery through dirty illicit drug supplies, and - very important for keeping the whole charade ticking along - still making a few people a fucking humongous stinking shitload of cash!

Anyway, enough bitching and moaning! Keep tuned for all sorts of fun stuff, cool pictures, thoughts and what ever else I can find that is extremely interesting.