West Mifflin Football Club

Longtime manager (and founder, owner, President and CEO and Director of Football) Bob Stinner steps down; Tyler Turdly takes over

2014-06-11T16:03:00.002-04:00

Manager Bob Stinner stepped down this past winter. This is an odd time to report on such a big change but never in WMFC's seven year existence as an independent club has the club experienced such upheaval. Gone is the general who led the club to three playoff appearances, one semi-final berth, and its only GPSL title. His replacement is Tyler Lacock, who recently (just now) had bestowed upon him the new nickname of Turdly because of its alliterative quality. Lacock (or The Cock as we call him behind his back) was part of the team that helped win WMFC its title and has coached some team that no one knows or cares anything about. Like his stature, his football experience is small (like three years or something.) His first move was to sell the team out to another club, essentially turning West Mifflin Football Club into a subsidiary of yet another boring and completely unoriginal tribute to the Steel City!!! Whoo hoo!!! We would not be surprised if the rumors of a kit change to mimic the Pittsburgh Steelers' shitty "black and gold" color scheme was in the works because by God, nothing that exists in Pittsburgh can do so independent of that lot on the north side. Anyway, other than his homoerotic obsession with the Steelers and Penn State, Lacock should prove to be a decent manager at worst. He is undoubtedly an intelligent guy, finishing in the top three (I think) of his high school class. With a brain spongy enough to complete an engineering degree with honors, he should be able to soak up enough information on tactics to make up for the technical deficiency. He's already led the team to its first win of his tenure. It took three tries but he's got it! The first one is always the hardest, Cock! We're a bit behind, so here are a few spark noted game reviews to get you all up to speed.

Game 1: May 18, 2014 - West Mifflin 1-2 DP United
The season kicked off with supporters in doubt over The Cock's coaching ability. Their fears were not allayed as the Blues fell 2-1 to DPU. Joe Super(man) scored a goal off of a cross from Justin Wilkinson. Pcholinski was caught picking his rear-end and sniffing his fingers. Can't be arsed to look through texts any further back.

Game 2: June 1, 2014 - West Mifflin 1-2 Sporting Club of Pittsburgh Enosi
The Blues were beaten again. The Cock described it as a tough loss and said the winning goal came from a bad clear. If I had been in the press conference, I would have pressed Mr Lacock to explain why the Blues were administering steroids of such questionable quality to its players. At least use the good shit you ass clowns!

Game 3: June 8, 2014 - West Mifflin 4-1 Internationals FC
A win! Yay! Wilkinson, Pcholinski, Own Goal, and Kenny, presumably before he was killed were all on the score sheet. Wilkinson scored from a free kick from The Cock. Pcholinski blasted one upper 90 (chyeah rieeeet), and Kenny scored after Stan and Cartman farted on the goalkeeper. A rabid dog then ran onto the field and mauled him to death. Oh, and Gauss returned!

So, there's your quick recap of the first three games of the season. We will try to keep up despite having a grotesquely reduced presence in the West Mifflin area. And with that we wish the Blues (for now) a belated good luck on the 2014 season.

West Mifflin sluggish in first game

2013-05-14T13:08:00.001-04:00

West Mifflin 1-1 FTM United

Kostovny; Hood, Pasternak, Jeffrey, Winters; Hasson, Pcholinski, Straw, Gauss; Degerolamo, Lee

Substitutes: Stinner, Kieler, Super, Volk, S. Hasson

0-1 Some Guy (31)
1-1 Jason Straw (55)

Yellow Card - Some Guy (47)

__

West Mifflin sputtered through its first game of the season Sunday, only claiming a single point with a 1-1 draw against FTM United. The Blues had a hearty bench full of subs but only managed a single goal despite the relatively cool conditions and extra legs.They had several good chances but rust and winds more appropriate for a high school game on an October evening denied the Blues a winner. Dan-O the Man-O deputized in net as Blues number one Rob Vargo was out of town for work, and regular backup Chad 'Tyler' Perry was filming a movie about a preacher having to dress up like a woman and rob a bank to make sure his parish remained solvent. Or he was at church. We don't know.

The Blues came out and rusty and although they didn't completely shit the bed, it wasn't a good performance. The defense looked naturally shaky. The first game of the year always has that effect on the back five. But this year it's looking more grim than usual. Clearances to no one. Defenders watching the ball float over their heads. Outlet passes to no one in particular.Hopefully this is worked out before the next game. One bright spot for the boys was Degerolamo slotting in at sweeper. When Kutscher retired at the end of last season because of a busy schedule (only to show up to this very game and lurk like a pedophile along the fence with sunglasses my dad wore in 1992), the Blues were in a scramble to find a replacement and it looks like they may have found one. He has desirable characteristics for a sweeper: he's speedy and controls the ball well. But he is quite short.

Anyway, before Degerolamo was put in at sweeper, new boy Ryan Hood got the start. Hood held his own but the patchwork feeling that permeated the back five, with Hood at sweeper and Kostovny in goal, led to a breakdown. Just over a half hour into the half, FTM broke the deadlock. Some Guy got a pass from some other bloke. He eyed up Kostovny's net and shot it and it went in. It was all kind of messy at the back. From my vantage point I couldn't quite see what had happened or who was most to blame. My guess is Matthew Alan despite his absence due to him breaking his leg trying to slide down railings at a hockey game. Fool!

A few moments after or before the opening goal, Stinner put his boot through a loose ball just outside the FTM penalty area. It didn't fall perfectly for him, it sat up a little too high and he sent the shot tailing off past the top right corner and out for a goal kick. He also missed out on another chance later in the half when Straw and Daveon broke down the field. Stinner ran to the left flank, waiting to time his run. Daveon saw him and sent a perfect pass. Had the game not have been played in an NASCAR wind tunnel testing facility, Stinner could have controlled the ball with his chest and rocketed a shot on net. Instead, the lofted pass died and landed right in the path of a defender who cleared.

Injuries also cropped up in the first half. Sean Hasson got slammed into the ground again but should be fine for this week. Sam Jeffrey fell over. They both were substituted and neither returned. There were some contentious calls by the center ref as well, and some arguments from the FTM players ensued as is their wont. One hefty gentleman was shown the yellow card and harkened to his captain, "Praytell! What is the fee for a card of rouge!?" To which his noble mates told him to "shut the f*ck up!"

Captain Jared Pcholinski had an excellent game. He really needs to realize that he is a prototypical, hard-nosed, holding midfielder. He terriers around the field making dudes sore while knocking them on their asses and collecting the ball. He needs to embrace that position because besides Baguet, no one else really does it. In fact, Manager Bob Stinner has expressed interest in trying a 4-2-3-1 with Baguet and Pcholinski as the holding midfielders with Hasson, Straw and Gauss as the front three. This is something that may be experimented with in the next game.

Finally, ten minutes or so into the second half, Jason Straw brought the Blues level. There were a bunch of passes/possession losses/possession regains up along the left side until Straw emerged with the ball. It was very much like in Naked Gun when the brawl between the Angels and the Mariners breaks out and there's the big pile of players beating the shit out of each other and Reggie Jackson just kind of climbs out of the pile. Instead of walking toward the Queen of England with a gun though, Straw dribbled toward the goal and slotted a pretty shot into the corner to tie the game.

Some other notes, Daveon missed a couple chances including two S K Y B O M B S! Volk had a skybomb as well and looked really rusty. He did, however, have a few really nice layoffs intermixed between layoff attempts where the ball got stuck beneath his feet causing him to fall over. Annnnd, FTM hit the bar twice.

This game was boring and cold but the boys pick up two points.

See you next week!

2013 Schedule Released!

2013-04-30T21:25:00.002-04:00

The 2013 WMFC schedule has been released a logistically feasible twelve days before the season is set to kick off! The Blues have a tough schedule this year but with the fans behind them, we know the boys are poised to fight their way through!

Click here to view the schedule and buy your tickets early!

#COYBTWW

Problems at the back to the front...back and to the front...back...and to the front

2013-04-22T11:10:00.003-04:00

West Mifflin 0-2 Wolfpack

Kostovny; Pasternak, Jeffrey, Gasparovic, Winters; Degerolamo, Hasson, Gauss, Lacock; Stinner, Pcholinski

Substitutes: Kieler, S. Hasson

0-1 Some Guy (38)
0-2 Some Guy (61)
__

A considerably weakened West Mifflin FC played through a rather drab encounter with Third Division Wolfpack on Sunday afternoon. It was a brisk March day in late April and the Borland patch was rock hard and as uncomfortable as ever. As striker Bob Stinner took a shot in warmups, he jammed his toe into the rancorous adamantine crust and tweaked his ankle. When new singing Dan-O The Man-O Kostovny declared that he would not be diving on the cold, blighted ground, no one in the Blues side could complain much. They knew that the uncompromising pitch was going to be a real bitch to play on...and it was.

The Blues started with a makeshift lineup having been without several key players including James (wage/transfer), Volk (I think the manager may not have included him in the notification text - whoopsies!), Lee (a real job), Kutcher (retirement...so he can play softball) and Straw (training for work...but Mike Hasson seems to think that's a load of old bollocks and he was really hungover...or still drunk). Have I forgotten anyone? I don't believe so. Let me check...hmm, *coughmattbaguetcough*. I didn't think so. Nonetheless, the game kicked off and was initially a quite back and forth affair. A sundry of fans peppered the Borland hillside while two diehard Blue Ladies sat in the bleachers as the chilly wind ripped through.

What can be taken as certain from this game is that if Ark James does not return, the Blues may have considerable difficulty scoring goals. Further, the defense looks like it is going to need some serious work. Both goals were probably preventable but with no one really willing to take on the sweeper role more of the same can almost certainly be expected. Normally a stalwart defender, Jared Pcholinski was tried at forward, pairing him with Stinner in the absence of Lee, James and old-new signing, Tony Volk. The Blues #10 had a few first half chances that didn't really trouble the keeper. The Wolfpack keeper had little to do for most of the first half, in fact. Stinner had the best chance of the first 45 when he picked up the ball on the left, turned, and sent a low shot just the wrong side of the post. The gents talked before the game about the Borland bounce - and it wreaked unholy havoc all game long. The ball would bounce just before a player would control it on one pass, then when the player would compensate for the bounce on the next pass, the ball would roll nice and smooth under the boot and out for a throw. The bastard tries to make you look like a fool. Something Dr Salamander to consider: pitch Fx - the effect of a shitty field on a player's stats. Anyway, it looked like the Borland bounce may have had something to do with the Wolfpack's first goal. I just remember the guy beating two defenders and slipping a shot past Kostovny, who I think got a touch on it.

The second half was much, much better from the Blues. Until the final 10 minutes or so, the ball entered West Mifflin's defensive half of the field maybe four times. Maybe it was because Wolfpack tired, but WMFC played the ball around well. Mike Hasson, Pcholinski, Sitnner and Gauss were a productive four-man hub in the middle of the pitch, with Stinner playing as a withdrawn striker - much like Dennis Bergkamp. Now that I think about it, Stinner is a lot like Dennis Bergkamp. He doesn't like to fly, has dashing good looks, and unbelievable talent that is almost unequal on earth. Ah, he does have brown hair. Otherwise, the comparison holds. The wingers supported that hub as well. When the ball did drop to the defense, they found the open man and worked it up from the back. All was well! The only problem is, the Blues were Arsenalized and could not put the ball into the net. There were more chances in the second half, a few corners that could and should have been put in, a few penetrating runs to the touchline that lacked a convincing final ball, but the Blues inability to score left them out in the cold...out in the cold. Wolfpack added a second goal that was pretty bad so I won't describe it here.

Oh, well. Tis' better to get shit performances like these out of your system now than to have them affect the outcome of your season in say, a game against Century V in later July when you need to win to make the playoffs.

Til next time!

Transfer Note: Out with the new, in with the old

2013-04-10T14:00:00.000-04:00

A quick transfer note for you rabid, adoring Blues fans out there. Star forward Ark James is rumored to be on his way out of the club to a minor league team in West Virginia. Why it is being rumored on the official site is beyond me. Anyway, the club understands the speedy talisman's desire to play the most competitive football he can and if this is to be the case, we thank him for a great season and wish him luck. To replace the Blues' leading scorer in 2012, Managing Director Bob Stinner has indicated that former Blues' leading goalscorer Tony Volk could make his way back to Borland Park after a self-imposed two-year hiatus. The Volkranian target man has spent the last two years serving libation to and tete-a-tete'ing with down and out inhabitants of West Homestead that have sauntered across the railroad tracks and into his Bar Louie. Fortunately, he also found the time to get incredibly buff, and now sports a rippling six-pack, taut biceps, a thick pectoral region and brawny shoulders. *Swoon* Please standbi. I mean by. Please standby for further updates.

January Transfer Window Special Report: WMFC Front Office employing advanced statistics

2013-01-08T17:25:00.000-05:00

Over the last decade or so, professional sports have been inundated with volleys of "new stats"- impossibly complex mathematical functions that have helped tiny markets compete with juggernauts. To take advantage of the inefficiency of the GPSL transfer market, in 2008 the Blues hired a young Computer Science major from Carnegie Mellon University named Alexander Salamander to develop a new set of football statistics to frame their transfer policy. Two years later the Blues bought midfielder Mike Hasson and defender Tony Kutscher and a few other blokes that would be really easy to name if I had even the most miniscule amount of feeling-like-doing-it-ness to move my hand to the mouse to click over to that year's notes and see who it was. But I don't. Regardless, the Blues went 4W 1D 4L that season and the supporters became restless. However, the following season, the Blues reached the GPSL post-season for the first time. They faced a disciplined, intelligent and unbelievably obnoxious Indiana FC team that whined the Blues into submission and scored three good goals to send the snots into the final and the Boys home.

Many wondered if the ambitious plan was worth pursuing further; if the "moneyball" formula had its place in the beautiful game. It was thought that if Liverpool FC, England's most storied and most pre-buy-your-titles-era successful football club tried the same approach...and failed so miserably and hilariously, how could tiny little West Mifflin Football Club, in the tiny little Greater Pittsburgh Soccer League manage to make it work? The answer is always clearer in hindsight. Salamander learned from Liverpool's mistakes - mistakes that he claims were almost immediately evident at the start of the 2011/2012 Premier League season. According to Salamander, the players brought in simply did not compliment each other. Clearly, a racist Uruguayan striker will almost never mesh well with three overpaid English turd balls, but for Salamander, it went beyond cultural and economical nuances. He says, "it matters very little what their pay packets were tee hee! It was a matter of their style of play hee hee ho ho! So, in order to create the perfect team, I developed statistics that reflect how the current players compliment each other on the pitch!"

After years of hard work, the Blues went into the 2011 season with what was believed to be their best team since the 2001 Wildcats took the PA West Open title. But they only won five games that year, one shy of the 2010 season when they won a record high six games. There was a lot of dissent among the team that season. Many thought that too many games were being lost when a season ago the boys were grinding out draws. Supporter unrest grew as well. However, the last game of the season proved to be a boost for the Blues that catapulted them over Arsenal in the semi-finals and past Sporting Club of Pittsburgh XVIIXVVIX in the finals.

Now, West Mifflin Football Club Online is very happy to reveal the stats developed by now Dr Alexander Salamander that helped Managing Director Bob Stinner and Manager Bob Stinner select the team that brought home GPSL silverware. Below are five select statistical markers that Dr Salamander and Stinner pored over for months as the team blitzed through the league two seasons ago. Each stat contains a brief description, the formula from which the statistic is derived and the WMFC player that leads the team in the stat. We hope you enjoy this exclusive West Mifflin Football Club Online special report!

Inaccurate-Pass Accuracy Rating (I-PAR) - This reflects a player's ability to pass the ball directly to an opponent with pinpoint accuracy. It seeks to remove the effect of actually trying to pass the ball to a player's own teammate and objectively pinpoint the accuracy of inaccurate passes.

Calculation: # of passes directly to an opposing player / total # of passes

Leader: Mike Hasson - 86.7%
To be sure, West Mifflin has a solid Team I-PAR. All current members send at minimum two passes a game directly to the other team. However, Mike Hasson is king of the I-PAR castle. The bullish midfielder shows great ability to avoid defenders while in possession, and often uses fancy footwork to make an over-extended right-back look silly. It makes one wonder why he would expel such energy to avoid being dispossessed, only to clip the ball right into the eager arms (legs) of those same dingleberries' teammates? "It's all in the placement of the pass," says Hasson. "I like to keep them guessing. And when I say them, I mean everyone. Including my own teammates!"

Cement Boot First Touch Rate (CBf(t)R) - This is the rate at which a player's first touch is graceful as a drunken giraffe padidlying about an icy pond.

Calculation (counting stat): Simply add up the number of times a player is dispossessed because their first touch is abhorrent.

Leaders: Etan Pasternak-69.5%, Anthony Degerolamo-85.2%, Bob Stinner-99.99999%
To be fair, most of the current Blues roster excel in this statistical measure. It was once commonly believed that this was because the Borland pitch was a nightmare to stand on, let alone control a football. However, adjusting for Pitch FX (the football version) it became clear that Pasternak, Degerolamo and Stinner all play like they're wearing Tims. Pasternak's poor touch may be more excusable because he spent a lot of time last year patrolling the Israeli/Palestinian border in military grade equipment and has had to re-adjust to the skin-like feeling of a football boot, but Degerolamo's only excuse is that he cheats in FIFA and is a ditry, cheating cheater.

Dribble Directly Out of Bounds Percentage (DDOB%) - This is the rate at which a player receives a pass, turns, and within two dribbles watches haplessly as the ball rolls out of bounds. This stat was developed to target wingers (who typically play within a few feet of the touchline). Although similar to the more complex I-PAR, this stat doesn't immediately assign a plus-1 value to the category 'Turnover', since the result of a successful Out of Bounds Dribble merely results in a throw-in, which can be intercepted by the Blues...who can then immediately dribble out of bounds again.

Calculation: # of dribbles out of bounds / total # of dribbles

Leader: Tyler Lacock-98.3%
Again, West Mifflin as a team excels at dribbling out of bounds for no reason, but Lacock certainly has been most guilty. This is mostly self-explanatory but it is amazing how proficient Lacock has become with this. There were times even this past season where he would batter an opposing winger and come up with the ball, turn and dance elegantly around another defender and then, in wide open space, walk the ball out of bounds like when your controls get finicky in FIFA13. It is remarkable to watch such grace and skill. I can only imagine what those kids he's coaching are learning from such a dribbling masterclass. Let's hope for their sake he's the passing coach!

Unnecessary Fouls Rate (UFR) - this is the number of fouls a player that possesses little to no control over their emotions commits in a given game.

Calculation: # of fouls that are 100% unnecessary / [(total # of fouls) + (# of situations in which no physical or verbal contact is considered rational or useful to the team)]

Leaders: Jordan Gasparovic, Matthew Alan, Etan Pasternak
Every team has one. The Blues are blessed with three. Hot heads that don't know when to shut up and let it go. Each week it is a heated competition to see which of the three will lose their temper the fastest and in the most comical fashion. Some memorable moments include Gasparovic's walloping of an Indiana County FC forward and subsequent tongue-lashing he delivered to the flattened striker's corpulent female friend; or his constant (and totally unprovoked) badgering (both physical and verbal) of the British player-coach of Arsenal in the semi-finals two seasons ago. Pasternak, who delivers pure rage-induced comedic gold every Sunday from May to July, is known for many hot-headed outbursts over the years. It has been speculated that the rage comes from the talent gap that exists and must be endured between women from the Israeli coasts and Squirrel Hill. Lil' Etan no likey. The most memorable outburst has to have been from the playoffs three years ago when Etan bellowed the fateful "your view is skewed!" Of course, there are also the numerous fights he's almost taken part in. Finally, there is Matthew Alan Baguet and really, there isn't much to say that hasn't been said already. "I ain't your son!", "I'm just gonna keep doin' it anyway!", being drunk at a game and innumerable instances of mouthing off to the ref. What can you say about the man that has single-handedly made the market for X-Box 360 controllers for the last decade? Nothing, that's what. And that's why he, along with Gaspo and Pastenak, leads the team in UFR.

Goals From Mid-field Let In Percentage (GFMF-LI%) - this is the number of goals a keeper allows on shots that are taken from ridiculous distances...like from the center circle.

Calculation: # of goals let in from midfield / total # of goals let in

Leaders: Rob Vargo with 1 out of 21 total goals let in for 4.76%
There's only one Robbie Vargo! There's only one Robbie Vargo! There's only onnne Robbie Vargo!! Ah yes, for the Blues there is only one Rob Vargo and that means there's only one goalie and, in turn, only one person that could possibly let in a ball that was shot from midfield. I don't remember what game it was or what the final score ended up being, but he got toasted from 50 yards and it was BLOODY INFURIATING. Dr Salamander found it disturbing that a fellow CMU grad didn't calculate the appropriate angle between where the ball was struck and where his net was and even brought up concerns regarding the authenticity of Vargo's CMU diploma, stating that even a graduate of Penn State grad could make that calculation on the fly. But what can you say about this iron horse? He's been around West Mifflin longer than the WMFC ground itself. He's allowed a howler every now and again.

Defender Independent Possession Loss Efficiency (DIPLE) - This is the rate at which a player loses possession of the ball despite being under no pressure whatsoever. It takes into account other advanced metrics such as DDOB, CBf(t)R, UFR and I-PAR. It is the football equivalent of OPS (On-base plus slugging percentage) and tries to convey just how useless a player can be. It is the granddaddy of the new metrics developed by Dr Salamander despite being one of the simplest to calculate.

Calculation (counting stat): Add up the # of times a player loses possession despite being under no pressure whatever and subtract out the number of times possession is kept and when a player actually makes a sound pass. Values of +1 are added for bonehead plays that lead directly to an opposition goal. Yes, you need a Carnegie Mellon education to come up with this shit.

Leaders: Anyone that has and anyone that may have in the future, the honor to pull on the mighty Blues jersey.
There was a time, and to this day there are flashes, when the West Mifflin Football Club Wildcats dominated possession in a fashion similar to modern day Barcelona or 2004's unbeatable Arsenal. Those days, however, are pretty much gone. While there are pockets of Blues players that are in their primes, the crux of the team is made up of cynical old turds in their late 20's that haven't stretched properly in close to a decade and couldn't make a proper pass from the penalty spot to the edge of the penalty area on the pristine greens of Wembley Stadium, which, of course, the woebegone patch called Borland exacerbates. In fact, when Dr Salamander came up with this stat and ran the numbers, he was amazed that the Blues have been as successful as we have been because most of the first XI lead the GPSL in DIPLE. Stinner clocks in with a DIPLE of 74. Pcholinski sports a DIPLE of 68. Matthew Alan's DIPLE is a whopping 84. And these are low! Pasternak: 105. Gasparovic's, on the strength of his back-pass assist last season, skybombed up to 235. The king, however, is Mike Hasson, at 243. Clearly, this is almost entirely down to his considerably high I-PAR.

So, there you have it folks. Years of painstaking quantitative research intended to improve the team merely went ahead and proved what was clear to many from the beginning: that many of the Blues can not dribble with any kind of competence or make even the simplest of passes without losing it, and that several have rage issues that probably require serious therapeutic work and may possibly warrant neurological examination. Somehow, however, manager Bob Stinner manages to get the most out of his team.

123 days until kickoff!

Toodaloo!

West Mifflin Football Club Update: Matthew Alan Baguet

2013-01-08T13:30:00.000-05:00

West Mifflin Football Club can confirm that Matthew Alan Baguet will return to the club for the 2013 season on an incentive-laden, pay-as-you-play contract (because he is constantly hurt...or just doesn't come to games...or comes to the games drunk). I guess the team is excited to have him back...I know the comedy writers here are!

Blues score one early but can't hold on

2012-11-08T14:06:00.003-05:00

West Mifflin 1-2 Northern Steel

Vargo; Gasparovic, Pasternak, Winters, Pcholinski; Gauss, M. Hasson, Straw, Lacock; Stinner, James

Substitutes: Wilkinson, Jeffrey, S. Hasson, Lee, Degerolamo,

1-0 Straw (13)
1-1 Some Guy (83)
1-2 Same Some Guy (98)

___

Jason Straw ripped a sexy one around 13 minutes into the first half. The clouds came rolling in. One more minute into the second half and the Blues would have been through to the finals to defend their title. After an hour rain delay, Northern Steel tied it up only seven minutes from time. James, Lee and someone else all had chances at nicking the winner, but they all failed. In extra time, the tall, skinny bloke that scored the equalizer netted the winner, and the Blues relinquished their title. So, the last three years have brought: a semifinals appearance, a championship, and a quarterfinals appearance. Not a bad stretch. Better than Liverpool anyway.

James the man again as Blues squeak into post-season

2012-07-31T12:00:00.002-04:00

West Mifflin 1-0 Century V

Vargo; Kutscher, Pasternak, Gasparovic, Winters; Gauss, Straw, Pcholinski, Lacock; Stinner, James

Substitutes: Mike Hasson, Jeffrey, Wilkinson, ~~Baguet~~
Annoying Little Shits That Weren't Playing on the Bench: Baguet

1-0 James (76)
Some Guy-Yellow Card? (67)

___

After a nearly worthless performance the day before, the Blues' 2012 season was to be decided just under 24 hours later on an oppressively mucky Monday evening. The 2012 GPSL Championship Division season came down to a final regular season match between your beloved boys in blue and their rivals, Century V. All three meetings between the South Hills powerhouses have been prude Catholic School girl tight - with no team scoring more than one goal in any game. The Blues dropped a close affair last year on one of the most ridiculously lucky goals ever scored. In 2010, they let a 1-0 lead slip late on a set-piece dinker and had to settle for a point. With a playoff berth on the line all involved were prepping for another low-scoring battle - even Matthew Alan, who finally found time in his busy schedule of passing out at country music concerts and running "Tuff Mudders" six days a week and indignantly yammering to the heavens with cries of "Why!? Why!? Why are my knees hurting!?" The Blues faithful all knew why he was there though...to pick up his free jersey. Mooch.

Anyway, the game was a contentious one and early on at least, it looked like the Blues were going to find themselves on the back foot for most of it. Century played soundly, threading together passes up and down the pitch like a team that has had more than zero practices since May 2011. There appeared to be an added level of chippiness given this was the first match-up between the two teams that featured Jason Straw, who made the move up Curry Hollow Road from Century to West Mifflin over the summer. The Whites (heh) are known to be physical, oftentimes too much so, and interspersed between pretty passes were the usual kicks and shoves.

It's a shame that it needs to be brought up again this week but the center ref was absolutely abhorrent. Jason Straw got kicked up and down the pitch all night. Ark James had the back of his shirt pulled so many times I can't believe the thing still fits him. Someone on the sideline got walloped so hard that Cory Winters sacrificed a perfectly good free kick (one of the very few that were called) so that he could blast into the back of the little shit that committed the offense.

The Blues were lucky Century raided Mike Hasson's boot closet because had they not, the final would almost surely have been 15-1. Chance after chance went begging for the South Park outfit. I can't remember all of the chances Century had, but there were plenty. West Mifflin weren't entirely innocent of blowing good opportunities. I do believe Mike Hasson had a S K Y B O M B and Stinner, having been put off slightly by the defender potentially getting a head to it, just couldn't aim up a perfect cross from James midway through the first half. Instead of thumping it home a la Bacary Sagna against the Tots, it plooped off of his neck and fell to the ground. On top of all of that the Century keeper, himself a rumored WMFC transfer target, had himself a decent game.

With about 15 minutes left, it happened. Either a midfielder or defender released the one pretty good guy (for Century) that has dark hair (you know who I mean) down the left flank. Whoever was playing right back for the Blues at that point got doinkered and the Century forward danced around him and was through on goal. I don't know how it happened exactly but he got a shot off but Vargo got down to it and stopped it. I can't recall if it went out of bounds for a throw or if West Mifflin actually worked the ball up the pitch but it came to Pcholinski (I think) who turned and found Straw, James and Stinner in front of him up against only two defenders. He played a ball to James who took it in stride and slotted the ball coolly into the corner of the net. After the game, Stinner recounted that he heard one of the United defenders mutter "Jesus Christ!" after James scored the goal and that made him joyous on the inside. And just like that the Blues turned a near 0-1 deficit into a 1-0 lead. It made for a nervy final 15 minutes or so, with both squads well aware that a draw would send Century through and the Blues packing but in the end it was James' 8th of the season that pushed West Mifflin back into the GPSL semi-finals.

The game has already happened as I publish this so no comical rally cry to try to get people to come to the game.

West Mifflin handled by Allegheny United at International Fields...no wait Deer Lakes High School...oh shit the stadium is locked...International Fields...wait the bridge is out, we have to drive to France to get to the International Fields for the game at 7:00pm...wait 6:00pm...just kidding! 7pm...fuck this guy

2012-07-26T11:41:00.003-04:00

West Mifflin 2-6 Allegheny

Vargo; Kutscher, Jeffrey, Pasternak, Wilkinson; Gauss, Pcholinski, Straw, Lacock; Stinner, James

Substitutes: Mike Hasson

0-1 Some Turd (12)
0-2 Some Other Turd (18)
1-2 James (49)
1-3 Some Guy (53)
2-3 Straw (57)
2-4 Fart Sound (68)
2-5 I hate the guy that manages this team (73)
2-6 He needs to get his shit in order (81)

___

This game sucked of the highest form of sucktitude. I care not to rehash every single one of these unorganized, yappy little worms's goals. Instead, I'd like to rehash the events leading up to the game, which had to be re-scheduled eight times, only to have the time of the kick-off change three times in two days before the day of the game. But that's not all folks!! No, no! Not only did the time of the game change a thousand times within two days of the game, but the actual location of the game changed on the day of the game. About fifteen minutes before the game, to be accurate. As the boys filed into the parking lot of the Deer Lakes Lancers (Deer Lakes Deers sounds a lot better to me), it was evident that something was amiss. There were precious too few cars in the parking lot and a hipster-doofus type with sunglasses on walking around the grounds on a cellphone. "They locked the gates," the doofus said. Just wonderful. After Stinner did an unfruitful near-full perimeter check, it was decided that the game would be moved to the International Fields, as the doofus sent his lackeys to line the field...with blue paint. The Blues decided that it would be much easier to follow the doofus to the International Fields and so the journey began. Long story short, the dude got lost on the way to his own goddam field. There was a collapsed bridge involved and a 10 minute drive that turned into a 20 minute drive. Again: fuck this guy.

The International "Fields" was actually an International Field. An International Field that looked like an in-house international field lined by drunk and blind giraffes on roller skates.

It is now Thursday and I have lost all interest in writing about this game. The only good that came from the game were the two WMFC goals. Ark James placed a gorgeous shot across the keeper and into the net at the start of the second half to give the team some hope. Buuut, moments later Some Guy dribbled down between the entire WMFC defense and belted in Allegheny's third. Straw ripped one in from about 30 yards out only a few minutes later...only to watch Fart Sound repeat what Some Guy had done after James's goal. Later in the half, Straw looked like he took a dive in the area which fooled the ref (not hard, he was terrible). The mercurial mid-fielder stepped up to the spot and did his thang! The shot catapulted over the bar. After that, the Blues getting anything from the game was out of reach.

The Blues lost and the referees were abhorrent. The center ref was one of the worst we've ever had and the one side ref, although good natured and a nice guy, totally and completely blew an offsides call for Allegheny's first goal. West Mifflin played like shit and made their game against Century V the following evening much more interesting...

Blues make it three on the trot

2012-07-23T23:14:00.003-04:00

and

From the West Mifflin FC Supporters Club.

Blue boys will finally be Blue boys

2012-07-18T11:15:00.001-04:00

After five seasons of being Blue in name only, the Blues That Wear White are now just the Blues. Marketing Manager, Tyler Lacock and Left Back Etan Pasternak spearheaded the campaign to find a sponsor to fund the jersey purchases, and now that they've arrived, the boys get to wear a darker, more heat-absorbing blue kit in the blistering heat for the remainder of the season. Thanks! But seriously, a huge thank you to those two guys for putting in the work for the new kits. Although we here at West Mifflin FC Online will miss calling the team "the Blues (that wear white)" and hashtagging (even though we've never actually Tweeted it) #COYBTWW, we all look forward to the much cleaner and simpler #COYB.

So, without further ado (or no more ado since you can probably see the picture while reading this sentence), below is a nice Tyler Lacock Hipster-Doofus Instagram photo that he insisted we use instead of the regular picture.* We would also like to thank Dr. Yram Groff who has become the unofficial team doctor of West Mifflin Football Club having treated Chris Reed's torn everything-CLs and Lacock's broken foot, for the support.

The Blues will be Blue this weekend for the first time. #COYB

*I'm serious. He begged me to use the Instagram hipster pic.

Perry makes outstanding goalkeeping debut but Blues fall 2-0 to top team that isn't really that good but had six teams of 11 on their bench

2012-07-17T17:22:00.002-04:00

West Mifflin 0-2 Northern Steel

Perry: Kutscher, Pasternak, Jeffrey, Winters; M. Hasson, Pcholinski, Straw, Stinner, Gauss; Degerolamo

Substitutes: S. Hasson, Lacock

0-1 Some Guy (65)
0-2 Some Other Ass Clown (73)

___

Borland. It's grass dry even after rain. It's hardened cement always lurking beneath a soft, smushy facade. The combination lends itself to slips and falls. The Blues are typically used to such horrible playing conditions but on Sunday evening, they fell victim to their own home field...and a bus load of substitutes. For the first time since the now defunct Wildcats team of the 90's, Borland Park's stands were actually filled with people. Unfortunately, many of the spectators were supporters of Northern Steel - a counterintuitive name since I don't know of much steel being produced in the oddly diametrical yuppy and hick north hills of Pittsburgh.* If that's even where Northern Steel is from.

The opposition came into the game atop the GPSL Championship Division standings. The Blues were wallowing in fifth or sixth. The game itself was pretty non-descript. In essence, Northern Steel is another slick-passing team that controls the ball well. They employ eight or nine strong possessers of the ball and then two or three head-banded goons for physical presence. They also run out a Scott Parker wannabe, whose hair looks to be receding but is parted to the side like a 1950's bomber pilot. But he was pretty good so that's not as funny as it could be. Anyway, the visitors doinked and dinked the ball around and, of course, the Blues were content with thumping the ball down the field - forcing Degerolamo, playing as the lone striker to run back and forth and allowing the Northerners to mount attack after attack. Manager Bob Stinner resorted to a 4-5-1 again to conserve energy in the mid-field and to try to stifle any momentum through the middle. It worked for most of the first half until the mid-field stopped pushing forward and allowed plenty of room for counters to build.

The one real bright spot without question was Chadwick Perry who finally slid on the gloves for the Blues. He was eventually beaten twice but were it not for him West Mifflin probably should have been embarrassed six or seven nil. His distribution was outstanding as well. Unfortunately, Perry had to watch in despair when his pinpoint outlet passes turned into picture perfect turnovers. Mike Hasson led the team with an 89.9% Accurate Inaccurate Pass Rating (IAPR**). Perry had two or three really nice diving stops in which the turd that took the shot had to have thought he scored. He (and WMFC) were aided by the cross-bar on a couple shots as well, but the new baby daddy needed no help when he charged and stopped a one-on-one with an outstretched foot. It's a shame the Blues couldn't do more for him. They came close however early on in the first half. Gauss played a glorious long-ball past two defenders and Anthony Watkinson ran onto it. I don't remember what happened but she didn't score. I mean he didn't score. Later in the half, Degerolamo was released on the left side. Stinner, who had been trying to shake off a week of crab legs, shrimp strained butter, cheesecake and saltwater taffy, could have had a wide open net if he ran forward. But he didn't. Instead, Degerolamo let a shot go. It was straight and accurate but right at the keeper. To be honest, if it weren't for Perry and the defense (again!), Watkins-Degerolamo probably would have been the Blues Man (Group) of the Match. West Mifflin finished out the half with a flurry of corners. Three were taken. Two were worthless, dandelion cutters. One reached the top of Gauss's head...but it was a smidgeon too high and flew out for a goal kick.

The Blues went into the break feeling relatively good about themselves. Despite giving up more chances in 45 minutes than they had the previous five games combined, the defenses had held and the game remained scoreless. Most everyone made fun of Hasson for giving the ball away a shit-ton, but most of the boys were happy with the scoreline. When the second half got underway, however, it was evident the Blues were in for it. Very similar to the second half of last year's final, West Mifflin were scrunched between the 18 and half-way between the box and midfield. A function of not being able to keep the ball and being in a mode of constant defense, West Mifflin huddled ten behind the ball and played the Bolton way. When the ball left their half it wasn't long before it found its way back. Strangely, West Mifflin were still in it when they took another blow. Sean Hasson went in hard on one central defender and ended up with a gash on the back of his head. The physio took him off and to Med Express where two staples were applied. We are at West Mifflin FC Online are happy to learn that he is doing okay and we hope he doesn't start designing buildings upside down or that look like enormous penile phallic symbols. Moments (or possibly many minutes) later, Degerolamo had another chance. A defender muffed clearance which allowed the striker to go one on one or something. He put a good shot on goal...or maybe he didn't. Maybe he dropped his pants and mooned the stands. I don't remember. The Blues didn't score though.

Anyway, now down to just one sub, there wasn't much chance. Perhaps this is an oversimplification but the numerical advantage showed. Facing a team of eight subs is difficult enough. Facing a disciplined, sharp-passing pack of cunthounds with only one sub on your own end is a considerably steeper task. And so the opening goal came from a slicing through-ball made it's way past a tired and jaded WMFC defense. Boom, bang...bang. Poor Chadwick had no chance. 1-0. About ten or 30 minutes later the visitors got their ~~deserved~~ cheap and undeserved second. Some little turd ball shot the ball really hard at Perry. He got his hands up and to it but it deflected into the air and bounced in to make it 2-0. Fuck. That's all one can say in a situation like that. It was really friggin' hot...again and the boys finished with one sub.

On a happier, more progressive note, West Mifflin FC finally semi-sorta live-Tweeted the game. Or, at least a picture of the Borland Park grounds and starting lineup before the game. A sign of new things to come!

The Blues have two tough games to close out the season this weekend. Sunday night at Allegheny and Monday evening against Century V. Don't bother coming out!

*There very well may have been many steel producing sites in the north hills. I don't know. Or care.
**IAPR is calculated by dividing the number of total passes by the number of passes that went straight to the other team.

Blues let in three early before King James brings them back

2012-07-12T11:30:00.001-04:00

EDITOR'S NOTE: The regular Blues Reporter was off last week. Here is an edited version of Tyler Lacock's write-up.

Pcholinski; Gasparovic, Jeffrey, Kutscher, Winters; M. Hasson, S. Hasson, Gauss, Lacock; Degerolamo, James

Substitutes: Wilkinson, Pasternak, Lee

0-1 Some Guy (10)

0-2 Some Other Guy (20)

0-3 Some Other, Other Guy (35)

1-3 James (40)

2-3 Winters (55)

3-3 James (65)

4-3 James (88)

It was really effing humid - sticky humid. And the field looked like katrina went through. There were lots of branches and debris all over the field that Jared and Lacock cleaned up before the game. The other team was a man down...the entire game. Lacock fouled some guy around midfield with a flying karate kick to the rib cage going for a 50/50 ball. Some Guy scored on the ensuing free kick. One thing I do need to learn is that you do not put two fucking spaces after a period. I don't know where I picked up this stupid habit but it's definitely wrong and I am an ass-clown. Anyway, James stayed up the entire night before the game and still scored a hat trick. Jared went into goal after Kutscher gave up two quick goals. James scored his first on a through ball, another on a volley from the right wing on a cross from Hasson. Winters scored after some nice interlinking play. The Blues got the ball on a break somehow and ended up with a throw in. Daveon threw it in quickly to Lacock. He ~~skipped past~~ clumsily trudged past a guy and played it back to Daveon who beat a guy and played it square to Gauss, who swung it across the top of the 18 to Winters who fired home. James's final goal came after Stinner called from Ocean City and told Lacock to put the damn leading scorer in the game for the love of God. Yet another sound management decision by Manager Bob Stinner. He got the ball on the left wing, dribbled into the box but got bottled up. The lanky forward held the ball and dribbled around three or four guys and unleashed a shot into the left side of goal. The Blues had nicked the points. Pcholinski had a nice save to knock a shot away that was going upper 90 at one point in the second half. The refs didn't completely suck, but we're not sure the ~~female linesman~~ lineswoman knew what offsides was. She blew one clear cut call that saw Sean in on goal and a few others were very, very close.

The Blues win two on the trot. The game Saturday at Allegheny is canceled so the Blues play Sunday at 6:00p against league leaders Northern Steel. Should be a humdinger.

Blues come from behind to grab 2-1 victory

2012-07-02T10:22:00.002-04:00

West Mifflin 2-1 FTM United

Vargo; Pcholinski, Gasparovic, Pasternak, Winters; Lacock, Gauss, Straw, Stinner, S. Hasson; Lee

Substitutes: Degerolamo, Jeffrey

0-1 Some Guy (28)
1-1 Winters (54)
Some Turd Yellow Card (82)
2-1 Gauss (pen. 83)

As the sun slid behind the clouds high above Titan Stadium, an air of familiarity - almost deja vu like - wisped across the turf. Football is a funny game and there's no doubt the footie gods were having their fun Sunday evening. Not only were the Blues blessed (cursed?) with yet another horrible referee, not only did FTM United's players continue their turd behavior, not only did FTM become so frustrated that they were smacked with another yellow card, in addition to all of this the Blues defeated the northern gum-flappers on another late Steve Gauss, cool-as-you-like penalty.

West Mifflin lined up in a precautionary 4-5-1 given their meager numbers and available personnel. Whether that tactical change was the initiate or simply a contributing factor to the game being a complete crap-fest is up for debate. Regardless, Manager Bob Stinner felt that the move was warranted, citing the surplus of midfielders and dearth of defenders and strikers. The game was drab though. The Blues would work the ball into the attacking end and shoot, only to have the ball slowly roll (or furiously skyrocket) over the endline. The keeper or sweeper would then either launch the ensuing goalkick or clearance down the field. And so it went on, long ball after long ball after long ball back into the West Mifflin end of thezzZZzzZZzZZzzZzzzz...

In a deviation from last year's fixture, FTM struck first just before the half hour mark. The ball ping-ponged to Some Turd at about the 35 yard line. The turd glanced up and noticed that Vargo, who had been playing up the pitch to collect long ball after long ball after long bazzzZZZzzZZZZzzzzzz...was dangerously far off his line. He launched an effort toward the net. Vargo scrambled back but could not get there in time and the Route 1'ers had the lead. It's a real shame too because just before the goal was scored FTM's captain was overheard saying that they "only need one," indicating the northerner's intention to play like Stoke City or Bolton or Blackburn, or like, well, like northerners!

We shall dedicate this next paragraph to Stinner's blown chances. Shortly before the Blues conceded Stinner had his first chance to net his first of the season. Outside of a decent performance from their sweeper, FTM's defense left acres of space for the West Mifflin front line to operate. Sean Hasson found himself with the ball out on the right flank. Stinner found himself in space between two defenders that really didn't know what to do and motioned to Hasson for a cross. Hasson put the ball picture perfect, spot-on, right on Stinner's nugget...but Stinner managed to send the ball just over the bar. Later, Stinner received a pass from someone and turned to goal. Expecting to be confronted with defenders, the typically calm and cool striker found himself in a pornstar's gap worth of space, panicked and sent a dinker wide to the left. Finally, in the second half, with West Mifflin pushing for the equalizer Stinner fumbled a glorious chance. The Blues were rushing forward and had at least four or five moving forward in attack. Daveon was weaving through defenders with Stinner and Lacock just ahead to his left. Stinner started to make a run but hesitated for a split-second, fearing he would be flagged offside. Lee played a perfect through-ball but the split-second hesitation wrong-footed Stinner and as he decided to try and catch the pass with his weaker left foot, the ball flew past him and out for a goal kick.

The second half started with the Blues barreling down the pitch in wave after wave of attack and eleven minutes after the break the game was tied. FTM did have a couple good chances in both halves but no one gives a shit about them and Bada-bing bada-boom, Straw was running down the field with Winters next to him or something and somehow, Straw crossed it over to Winters who at full-stretch poked away his first of the season. The goal came amidst a deluge of abhorrent calls made by the center ref who was easily the worst ref West Mifflin has had in a long time. It seems like we mention that every week but this guy was special. Steve Gauss asked the ref during the pregame warmups if he was going to "let us play" or "call every little thing." The ref, dead serious and without the slightest hesitation as if what he was about to say was not lame, responded that he would "call every little thing." A ridiculous omen that we in earshot probably should have paid more attention to because this guy called the game like we were U-6. Even Lacock, who actually looks like he could be a U-6 player, excoriated the ref that he was having a howler.

With about seven minutes remaining, space folded on itself and time shifted as the exact same chain of events as last year's fixture played out like a VHS-tape that had just been rewound. Last year it was Degerolamo who drew a penalty. This year the ball was played into the FTM box and was bouncing around. Gasparovic had made a signature run into the area and leaped for the ball. An over-zealous FTM defender jumped with him and checked the stocky hard-man in midair. Now, whether or not the shove warranted a tumble, eh may be debatable. However, it was clearly a foul and our whistle-happy ref was more than giddy to point to the spot. Up stepped none other than Steve-A-Reno Gauss (after Stinner had to push him up to the spot to take the damn thing). After missing a penalty for the first time in his life in last year's semis, Gauss was looking for redemption. He ran up and cooly sent the keeper the wrong way and the Blues had the lead. Gauss then rotted away pointing to the number on the back of his shirt (?). That's a shit ton of confidence from a dude that never has any confidence. Also in a repeat of last year's game, some turd from the other team booted the ball into the stands out of frustration and was awarded a yellow card.

With just a few minutes remaining a shot was blasted over the bar and onto the track that encircles the field. After 10 seconds of asking the FTM bench to send out another ball, Vargo trotted back to retrieve the SKYBOMBed ball. The FTM bench finally realized what was happening and offered the ball from the bench. At that point, Vargo was already halfway to the ball and the Blues told the bench to forget it. This prompted some completely non-sensical Orc-speak from one of the FTM players about Vargo licking his own ass or something. What? Oh, and the defense had an outstanding game. Seriously.

The Blues next match is this Sunday at 10:00a at the hallowed grounds of Borland Park. Bring your First Aid kits!

Bad Hair Day: West Mifflin 'blown out' by Pauly D and company

2012-06-06T09:23:00.000-04:00

West Mifflin 1-6 Stars Kickers United

Vargo; Gasparovic, Jeffrey, Pasternak, Winters; M.Hasson, Pcholinski, Straw, Gauss; Lee, Stinner

Substitutes: James, Wilkinson, Degerolamo, Kutscher, Lacock

1-0 Some Guy With the WORST Haircut Ever (11)
2-0 Some Turd (24)
2-1 Pcholinski (34)
3-1 Shaved Head Guy (43)
4-1 Some Guy With the WORST Haircut Ever (56)
5-1 Pauly D (72)
6-1 Some Other Turd (81)
___

Yuck. In case you didn't make it out to Titan Stadium Sunday evening, and judging by the attendance you didn't, the Blues got their asses handed to them by what is strongly believed to have been the Robert Morris University men's soccer team. It was ugly folks, and I don't mean just the play of West Mifflin. Super Intergalactic Star Kickers must have had a referendum on sporting truly dreadful hair. It has been a few days and although I took notes immediately after the game with help from a few of the lads, I don't really care much to recall, and in turn recap, the Regan Macneil puke bag the Blues left on the field Sunday night.

It was evident early on that the Intergalactic Star Colonizers were top class. They masterfully worked the ball around the pitch with an effortlessness of a team that has had more than zero practices in two months. A doink here, a dink there and quickly a ball was played over the top to Some Guy With the WORST Haircut Ever, whose awful, unshapely turd-ball Euro-mop hair had to have blinded the linesman because he was a mile off-sides when the ball was played. Nonetheless, Euro-mullet-mop Man placed a gorgeous chip over Vargo and into the net. It was a slap in the face - the first game in which Daveon shaved his absolutely magnificent goatee/beard, up steps this schmohawk to chip in a pretty goal. I don't even want to talk about the second goal. Partly because I don't remember what happened. My notes read "Vargo saved and bounces right to an unmarked guy who scored". Great.

Actually, I may just run through my notes in the order I have them written down. My next note reads as follows:

"Cory and Anth returned...and we blew big time"

Soooo, make of that what you will. It should be remembered though that Winters just came off a torn hamstring and Degerolamo had just been off for a weekend of being bombarded with big boobskis and butt cheeks bouncing around in his face and was playing with the memory of yet another failed flick early in the first half.

Ah, this is worth mentioning. Jared Pcholinski popped up with an excellent strike to give the Blues a lifeline about ten minutes from halftime. I don't remember how it developed but the new homeowner picked up the ball about 25 yards out, took a dribble and rocket-floated one into the corner. The keeper was fully-stretched but still couldn't get a hand to it and the captain cut the lead in half.

Not too long after Pcholinski's goal, the crowd was witness to a real howler. Gasparovic found himself at the corner of the box with several Astronautical Interplanetary Star Explorer players in his relative vicinity but with acres of space to lump the ball down the field. I don't remember what the hell happened but instead of clearing it, the defender pulled it back and quickly found himself desperate for an outlet. Vargo, giving the defender an option, called for the drop. Jordan turned, undoubtedly in relief, and played the slowest drop pass the field of physics has ever seen. It was a beautiful pass though and Shaved Head Guy (I think) ran onto it and clipped it around Vargo and into the net, simultaneously stifling any momentum the Blues conjured through Pcholinski's goal and eliminating any real shot at a come back.

The last three goals are all kind of a blur, so here are my incredibly detailed, Malcolm Gladwell-like notes on the remaining events of the game:

-Fourth goal ball deflected to the top of the 18 and some ass-clown, ah! the Guy With the WORST Haircut in the Wrold actually, pops it into the corner of the net. How can someone with such awful hair score such nice goals? Dick.

-An abhorrent handball call in the box. Straw steps up! And....puts it too close to the keeper who, now that I think about it, had a disturbing, lion mane hairdo. What the hell is all this about? It's consistent throughout!

-Fifth, ball worked down right hand side cross deflected off Vargo off Cory to guy Tyler was marking who looped it over them into net. This was Pauly D. This kid had a blowout. And he plays soccer. This phenomenon has left me orange-faced and spray-tanned. Fist pump for another shitty haircut!

-Sixth, who cares. My food is here (we were at a restaurant). Oh, the guy tried to kick it to the left side of the net but blasted it upper 90 on the right side. Again...dick.

The only thing left to discuss is how Etan unceremoniously dropped Pauly D like a ton of bricks. In the box. And nothing was called. The two were chippy with each other after Pauly D got a robust sliding challenge on Etan early in the first half.

That will do it for this week folks. Gotta take the good with the bad and dust this one off. There is no game this weekend as the legend Thomas Vincent Kleinenberger ties the knot in the Caribbean. There will be plenty of stories to be told from that week I'm sure.

Til next time, stay properly groomed up top!

#COYB

West Mifflin doubles up on DP...United

2012-05-22T09:42:00.001-04:00

West Mifflin 2-0 DP United

Vargo; Pcholinski, Gasparovic, Pasternak, S. Hasson; Baguet, Straw, M. Hasson, Lacock; Lee, James

Substitutes: Stinner, Jeffrey, Gauss

1-0 James (14)
2-0 Matthew Alan (78)
___

Just a few hours removed from shotgunning beers on the less-than-lush rock-bed of West Wood golf course with his boyz Danny C and Toner Boner 12, Matthew Alan headed in a second WMFC goal with around 12 minutes to play to ensure the Blues of victory and all three points. Despite annoying all living things within earshot by not shutting the fuck up (even in the face of repeated requests that quickly turned into stern demands), the little shit managed to avoid seeing yellow and strode about Titan Stadium with a grimace that seemed to indicate that at any moment the boulder-calved plonker would walk to the sidelines and release the contents of his stomach onto the ground like he did on New Year's Eve '09* in front of Buckheads Saloon, A.K.A. The Worst Social Establishment in the History of Nightlife on Earth.

Jordan Gasparovic made his 2012 debut, returning from his Mother's Day picnic last weekend, and played very well. With Winters still hurt** and Kutscher unable to shake a groin injury sustained in Week 1, the back four was was another mix and match. Captain Jared Pcholinski slotted in for Kutscher at sweeper while Sean Hasson started at stopper for the second week in a row. The former played 90 minutes at the back and was a defensive force that focused the defense. The latter (whose deft cross set up last week's game winner I failed to mention)...pulled a hamstring. But not before he put in a strong shift dictating play from just in front of the back three. Stinner ceded his starting spot to Lee because of a sore shoulder that could be problematic for the talisman.

The Blues started off sluggish, a phenomenon that veteran midfielder Steve Gauss noted was typical of the West Mifflin High School alums. Another cadre of individuals that started off sluggish were the referees who each suddenly forgot that the attacker has to be behind the last defender, not in front of them. Other things that the referees forgot included: what the Advantage Rule is and how it should be applied, physical contact does not necessarily = a foul or the converse of this rule that kicking the ball but then following through and shoving the tackle-e to the ground is a foul. That being said, the lads didn't do themselves any favors by incessantly (and in Matthew Alan's case, drunkedly) bitching and moaning and spouting off annoying (and in Matthew Alan's case, stupid, not-funny and non-sensical) little quips at the ref.

Despite the stupidity around him, Ark James managed to endear himself even more to the Blues faithful by scoring another gorgeous goal. I don't quite recall who played him through (I'm assuming it was Straw) but a long, angled ball sent the striker free in behind the defense. He collected the pass and calmly slotted it past the keeper to give the Blues the lead. Two games, two starts, two goals. So far a wonderful return. The goal was followed by series of terrible calls, one that saw the aforementioned James start a run even with a defender, drop back behind the defender, then run onto another through-ball and put it into the net only to have the play called back for a truly comical off-sides call. Moments later, Stinner missed a glorious chance to puncture the DP defense a second time. Having been played through between the two central defenders Stinner was one-on-one with the keeper. Caught between two minds the usually-lethal finisher fired the shot directly at the keeper who made the save. The ball bounced for a rebound but was cleared. As Stinner jockeyed with Some Guy for the ball, he slid in and got his foot to the ball and cleared it away from the opposition. He was then called for a foul. For what, exactly, no one knows. Afterwards, Stinner commented, "I should have gone short-side. But I didn't." Sean Hasson also had a strong header from the top of the box saved by the keeper.

The second-half was more strenuous for the home team. DP tightened the screws a bit by clogging both outlets and forcing the Blues to either grab themselves by their balls and defend or grab themselves by their ankles and bite their lips. The Blues defended and despite languishing a bit in the middle of the second, put in a strong effort. Pcholinski anchored well at the back and Pasternak, Gasparovic and Jeffrey, Sam did well to clear the ball on several occasions. Vargo*** should also be commended. Despite having relatively little to do, the big man had to make a handful of really good saves to keep DP from penetrating...the defense. The smartest man on the team had his bachelor party the night before and showed little ill-effect throughout. Except for having the game moved back eight hours. Seriously though, the Blues were under heavy pressure and were lucky that the United players couldn't seem to hit the target.

With the final whistle drawing nearer and DP probing and thrusting for the equalizer West Mifflin finally took advantage of the space allotted them and killed the game off. Matthew Alan's narration of how the goal developed differs almost entirely from nearly every other account. Speaking after the game, Baguet described it as such:

"Straw sent a ball over the top and I tracked it down with my blazing, Ark James-like speed. I'm probably about as fast as him ya know. I told the Manager I was as fast as he is and that I could prove it. I could also outrun him. I run marathons. And Tough Mudders. And 10Ks. Like all the time. Like every day. I even have a watch that tracks all my runs!!! Anyway, I took it to the end line, dropped it back to Daveon. He changed fields to Gauss and he sent in the cross which I soared through the air to meet and powered into the net!

However, that description doesn't coincide with descriptions given by other WMFC players. Steve Gauss, who now has two assists in two games (and who has really been outstanding on the wing) did send the cross in, but Baguet was far from speedy in getting there. Captain Jared Pcholinski said,

"He was really dragging down the sideline. I'm surprised he didn't hurl."

Gauss posited,

"Yeah, he was nearly crawling into the box. He looked really fatigued. Probably from all those beers. He was beat red too. He didn't look healthy. I had to delay my cross for five seconds for him to get into position."

Kutscher noted,

"Burgs, you stink like hops. Stale, old, moldy hops."

Finally, Stinner said,

"Turd."

When Matthew Alan finally got into place, he dipped his drunken melon and put his Bud Light-lobster-red forehead onto the cross and past the keeper for West Mifflin's second. And that was that. The Blues soaked up the pressure while Baguet's liver soaked up the booze and when the final whistle went, West Mifflin were 2-0.

The Blues are off this weekend because of the Memorial Day holiday. The next game is June 3 back at Titan Stadium against Stars Kickers United who are currently joint top and share the same goal differential with the Blues.

*EDITOR'S NOTE: He's also not at work today...
**EDITOR'S NOTE: It was requested that we indicate that the Blues are currently 2-0 without Winters.

West Mifflin begin title defense with win in Borland slop

2012-05-14T19:15:00.001-04:00

West Mifflin FC 2-1 Beadling

Vargo; Kutscher, Jeffrey, Pasternak, S. Hasson; Gauss, Pcholinski, Straw, Baguet; Stinner, James

Substitutes: M. Hasson, Wilkinson, Lee, Lacock

1-0 James (11)
1-1 Some Guy (20)
2-1 Lee (61)
__

West Mifflin FC's GPSL season kicked off beneath dark clouds and a miserable mist of rain as Les Bleus welcomed Beadling to Borland Park to open their defense of the GPSL Championship Division title. Already without first choice left back Jordan Gasparovic to a Mother's Day picnic that started at 2:00p the defense looked a little shaky throughout. More uncertainty clouded the defense when ironman sweeper Tony Kutscher was lost to an apparent groin injury a quarter-hour into the second half. However, West Mifflin showed why they are defending champions as both the green and the gold combined to fire the Blues into their first victory of the 2012 season through the muck and mire of the chunky Borland pitch.

To compensate for Gasparovic's absence, as well as the paucity of strike options available at the start of the game, Manager Bob Stinner made two smart decisions with the starting line-up. New boy Sam Jeffrey slotted into the left back spot in place of Gasparovic, with veteran Etan Pasternak starting at right back in place of recently-retired Andrew Kufen. Kutsher started at sweeper while Sean Hasson (who smartly did not book a Mother's Day dinner reservation on the only day of the week that West Mifflin FC tries to train :-)) got the nod at stopper in place of the injured Cory Winters. The midfield picks itself and then, of course, Stinner started himself up top with Ark James so that he doesn't have to run that much.

The start of the game was open and clean, each team working the ball around the grimy, WWII replica battlefield as best they could. Jason Straw and Jared Pcholinski were a torrent of physicality in the middle of the park, sticking into tackles and loosing the ball from opponents while Steve Gauss and Matthew Alan worked the sidelines in tandem. Relatively quickly West Mifflin took the lead. After a series of passes in the middle of the park that I'm sure started with Stinner somehow, the ball came to Gauss who played a beautiful through-ball for James. The middle distance runner took onto it, rounded the keeper and slotted it in for his first goal for the Blues. It was a pretty finish and a ringing endorsement of the clubs scouting team.

Unfortunately, the lead was short lived. A bunch of stuff happened and the ball came out to the Beadling winger on the right. He miss-hit a cross that went straight towards Vargo. Vargo backpedaled, turned and leaped backwards only to see the ball drop into the net for the equalizer. It was a soft one but a soft one that can be excused given that the last time the WMFC keeper touched a football was in July in the championship match. But seriously Vargo, that was ridiculous. Just kidding...but seriously...A few minutes later the Borland crowd almost witnessed Stinner's first blown, wide-open header of the season. Matthew Alan received a pass on the left and saw Stinner streaking into the area. He wound up to send in the cross but it was blocked by a Beadling defender.

The Blues had two more clear chances that I can recall in the first half. Straw dispossessed a Beadling defender at midfield and was in one-on-one with the keeper when Matthew Alan, the little turdball, shouted, "CHIP!" Straw tried the chip and sent the ball towering over the net for the season's first skybomb (although it is debatable whether it should even be considered a Skybomb since it was a chip). Moments later, Stinner either stole the ball off of someone or was sent through with a chip and was in on goal. His stride didn't quite match up to the pace of the ball and he sent his shot uncharacteristically wide. Daveon had called for a pass as he streaked down the middle but as is typical, he waited until Stinner's foot was the 1/1,000,000,000th of an inch from taking the shot to call for the pass. Towards the end of the half, Beadling took control of the game and had the Blues pinned back in their half for the last ten or so minutes, but nothing came of the pressure and the teams went into the break tied at 1-1.

The second half was as nondescript as the first*. Other than the winning goal that we will get to in a moment, the only really exciting thing that happened was the season's first real, honest-to-goodness S K Y B O M B!!! Sean Hasson was clean through with a defender or two around and although the disgraceful Borland Park pitch may have had something to do with it, he sent the ball into the air equal to the height of the Freedom Tower and over the net. Not to worry though, moments later James and Lee (sounds like the main characters in a gun slingin' western flick) connected for the winning goal. I have no idea how it happened but the ball bounced around, James got clonked on the head and Lee leaped over three people and somehow put the ball into the net.

And that was it! The Blues start the season off 1-0 for the first time since 2010. They will look to make it four in a row dating back to last season when they take on DP United at (probably) Titan Stadium.

#COYBTWW

*this is code for "I can't remember anything that happened"

2012 Season + New site design

2012-05-04T20:27:00.003-04:00

West Mifflin Football Club kicks off the 2012 GPSL season in unfamiliar territory...defending champions. Les Bleus will take on one of the class teams of Western Pennsylvania in the first match of what looks to be their most challenging fixture list in recent memory when they take on Beadling at 5:00p next Sunday at the hallowed Borland dirt patch. Following Beadling, West Mifflin will travel to Allegheny United, Indiana FC and make the short trip down the Lebanon Church and Curry Hollow Roads to take on Century V at the South Park Terraces, in addition to hosting FTM United and Sporting Club of Pittsburgh Enosi. Naturally, the club expects their own terraces, benches and hills to be teeming with supporters, singing and cheering the boys on at all games this year.

There is a buzz around Borland Park this season as the winds of change have blown through the famous stadium and caused respiratory complications for those with healthy lungs and near death for asthmatics as it kicked up the dust that lay on the bare earth. Gone are several bedrock veterans that have been as consistent as Baguet's fits of rage. No longer will the names Nickel, Kufen and Reed grace the menacing lion on the left chest. Chris Nickel, realizing that we are in our mid to late-twenties and that it's probably time to get a life, settle down and start a family, has moved to one of the Carolina's for work with his wife and dogs. Chris Reed, under the guise of a "torn ACL", has been chained by his mistress/soon-to-be-wife to the rigors of planning a wedding, and rather than admit that there is little time for football between inhaling chicken breasts and swallowing Italian hoagies whole and picking doilies and flower arrangements he has decided instead to feign a serious injury. And finally, our heavily bearded, 10-speed bike-riding, innocent animal slaughtering, F150 (whatever it is) truck driving, beer-belching, boulder of the back-four Andrew Kufen has simply decided to go out on top and has retired. With three of the oldest and most experienced players from last season departed, Managing Director Bob Stinner went on a torrid buying spree. Using tips from scouts the two-time Manager/Director of the Year made four signings: defender Sam Jeffrey, a local boy plucked from the West Mifflin amateur ranks; defender Justin Wilkinson whom I can not describe since I have not once laid eyes on him in person; midfielder Jason Straw who was easily the biggest name available over the close-season. He will provide both security on the ball and creativity in the center of the park; and Arkangelo James, a speedy and skilled striker that also runs long-distances like I walk to the refrigerator. After refusing the promotion to the Premier Division and facing an exodus of three big-name players in Nickel, Reed and Kufen, West Mifflin went out and improved upon an already Championship-caliber team by solidifying its midfield, shoring up its defense and adding a fourth striker option.

-

To go along with the change on the pitch, we here at West Mifflin Football Club Online decided that it would be best to revamp the look of the site. Gone is the sometimes unsightly white font on dark background as we've switched to a more traditional black on white theme. A cleaner and simpler navigation bar has been moved to the left side of the site where the 'Pages' will now be located underneath the new white on blue logo. Also gone is the banner photo beneath the website title which makes way for a simple text banner.

So, that's it. We look forward to your support as West Mifflin looks to defend its first ever GPSL title.

#COYB

Officially Champions

2011-09-07T11:14:00.001-04:00

After a month of waiting, West Mifflin Football Club were officially engraved as Champions. Managing Director and Supreme Lord of All, Bob Stinner received the GPSL Trophy today at his office and he looks forward to distributing it amongst the players this Saturday at PNC Park. West Mifflin FC will hold a celebration before and during the game. West Mifflin FC now have more trophies than Arsenal FC (London) in the last six years.

Once again, congratulations to West Mifflin Football Club for winning the 2011 GPSL Championship Division.

WMFC wins first GPSL title

2011-08-03T09:40:00.011-04:00

Stinner accepts a game ball on behalf of the 2011 GPSL Championship Division Champions. The Blues will refuse promotion.

Sporting Club of Pittsburgh 0-1 West Mifflin FC

Vargo: Kutscher, Kufen, Gasparovic, Winters; Pcholinski, S. Hasson, Gauss, M.Hasson, Baguet; Stinner

Substitutes: Pasternak, Lee, Degerolamo, Isadore, Nickel, Lacock

0-1 Degerolamo (41)
Some turd - yellow card (76)

West Mifflin lined up Sunday for their second finals appearance since their re-institution as a Club. The combination of several eras of West Mifflin soccer came to a head; joining forces with a handful of friends and acquaintances to form a unit that when fully intact, plays some formidable football. It was West Mifflin's first ever GPSL Final and it was being played one day after their first ever GPSL Semifinal. It was a weekend of firsts for the Blues and they took to the E Pitch looking to bring home their first piece of silverware. Ahhh, fine, they were looking to secure their first piece of silverware...and they were looking to secure it from a bunch of absolute and total jerks.*

The last time these two teams met was back on July 10th at Schenley Oval when Sporting Club romped the Blues to the tune of three goals to nil. Of course, West Mifflin had played a makeup game the day before and only had eleven guys, so a clean-cut, objective picture of how good Sporting Club really are wasn't exactly clear. However, when the game kicked off, WMFC looked comfortable and poised.

It wouldn't have been a playoff game at Graham Park if it wasn't hot as fuck all and that's exactly what it was. The Blues started the game with a change in formation as they opted to go with five across the middle to combat a strong Sporting mid-field duo that torched the Blues the first time around. Pcholinski, Gauss, both Hassons and Matthew Alan formed a wall in front of Winters and the defense. Stinner started as the lone forward. The game started off a back and forth affair, each team having their share of possession. Sporting had a slight edge in possession, but West Mifflin followed their blueprint: soak up pressure and hit on the counter. The defense, yet again, was beyond stellar - it was outstanding. There isn't enough praise that can be heaped on the defenders and goalkeeper.

And thank the maker for them, because also just like the blueprint for the previous ten games of the season, the Blues offense's allergic reaction to putting the ball in and around the mouth...of the goal, was flaring. Stinner was the first to have a chance when he was played through brilliantly by Pcholinski. For the first time all season, Pcholinski didn't wait a split second too long to make the pass and force the forward into an offside position. Stinner was through on goal. He carried into the box and wound up for a shot but touched the ball just a tad too far and having to take a huge lead step, dragged his foot across the mud before sending a trademark dinker straight at the keeper. It was a sign, however.

After Stinner's chance, Sporting Club took over slightly, keeping the ball in the attacking end and knocking it around. They didn't really create many clean chances, but it was easy to see how the Blues may have been opened up three times in the previous meeting. Things settled a bit after that stretch though and the Blues regained their gusto. Several long balls were sent over the top of the spotty Sporting back four allowing the West Mifflin forwards to run on. As the game went on, the back four looked really exposed and as West Mifflin got more comfortable, a goal looked increasingly more likely. About four minutes before halftime, the breakthrough was made.

Anthony Michael James Earl Jones LOL Kid GARBAGE Degerolamo went the entire regular season without scoring a goal. In fact, I'm not even sure Degerolamo's shots on goal for the season extends to a second set of fingers. For a man with a K/D of 2.05, those numbers simply weren't good enough. It didn't help that a day earlier in WMFC's semifinal victory over Arsenal, Degerolamo squandered a couple chances to put the Blues ahead. He was visibly perturbed by this and Stinner noticed.

I said to him: don't be a bitch...you little bitch. When you go 8-10 do you cry about it? No, you go 35-3 the next match. YOU GAAAAARBAAAGGGGGEEEEEE!!!!!

It had to have had some kind of affect on the forward because finally, after 961 minutes of drawing blanks, Degerolamo came through. Jared Pcholinski, carrying the extra burden of a 12 pound mosquito bite on his forehead, darted through the middle with the ball. He danced through defenders with Degerolamo out on his right. Just at the right moment, Degerolamo made a run towards the end line and Pcholinski placed the ball into this path perfectly. No failed spin-move needed here - only power. Degerolamo blasted it as hard as he could at the less-than-imposing goalkeeper. I can't say the keeper had no chance because I was on the bench at the time, but let's just say the finish was pretty like this.** With a firm understanding of Degerolamo's propensity to be a camping twatcup, it probably was lame, but it doesn't matter, because the Blues (who wear white - and who were playing against a team actually wearing blue) were 1-0 to the good, and they took the lead into the break.

West Mifflin rested up at the half, but there was a buzz around the bench area -the excitement from being close to a first championship. Or, it may have been the hangover oozing from Tony Kostelnik's pores. Either way, the mood at halftime was a relaxed anticipation to start the second half, knowing that the team was 45 minutes away from silverware. That confidence manifested itself in the Blues play the first 15 or so minutes of the second half. It only took ten and a half games (and granted, a full compliment of subs on the bench) but the Blues passed the ball around remarkably well. The ball went from: defense to the center mids to the wings, if there was nothing available there it went back to the center mids who would try the other side. If they couldn't get it to a winger it went back to the defense who would work it around amongst themselves and then back to the center mids - and so on and so forth. It was beautiful. Perhaps the work done at those one or two practices back in April and early May finally came to fruition. Ehhh, then again, probably not because it only lasted about a 1/3 of the half and what came next almost destroyed WMFC's hopes of pulling off the win.

Just before the shift from beautiful and fluent to disturbingly negative,Vargo made one of the best saves of the season. He was out cutting off the angle on a striker who had made his way into the area. With two defenders around him, he put a hard, low shot on target. It's really kind of hard to describe, but Vargo reached behind himself to stop the shot by pinning it against the ground. It was surely either going into the net or straight into the path of another Sporting player who would have put it in. It was a gem. Vargo played extremely well the entire game and made several really good stops. He was vocal and demanding the entire game, made good decisions and came and collected when needed.

It wasn't all moonlight and roses for the Blues, however. After that wonderful spell of Arsenal-esque passing, the Blues decided to try a little Birmingham - which would have been fine, except they took it to a dangerous extreme. Instead of keeping ten men inside their half of the field and pressuring the opponents up high, they kept ten men within their most defensive quarter of the field. The midfield were pushed all the way back between the center circle and the penalty area causing the defense to be packed up right behind them, leaving Sporting Club acres of space to mount an attack. Luckily, Mike Hasson noticed this and subbed on as a second central defender and sorted it out. After they got sorted out, the Blues were able to stretch Sporting, who had reverted to a 3-4-3.

West Mifflin had so many chances on the counter that I couldn't possibly describe them all here. The two most prominent chances involved Lee. On the first chance, he was clean through on the keeper with Sean Hasson outside of him. The goon of a defender had something as well, a fist full of Lee's shirt. Lee eventually broke free and the ref played the advantage but somehow the opportunity went begging. A second time the same goon nearly tore Daveon's pants clean off of his legs as the fleet-footed forward sped after a gorgeously placed through-ball sent rolling past the pressing Sporting midfield. The turd was the last man and clearly should have received a red card, but it was only a yellow. No one was complaining too much - other than Kostelnik who didn't even know the rule until someone on the bench said something - with the victory so close.

After a few more minutes the final whistle blew and the bench poured out onto the field. The Blues had done it - they can now call themselves champions. Who would have thought this would be how the 2011 season ended after getting trounced in that opening friendly, 4-0? After four seasons the cards finally all fell in exactly the right places at exactly the right time. It appears as though Managing Director Bob Stinner has found an ideal mix of youth and experience for his Manager, Bob Stinner to work with. So,congratulations to the boys. It was an outstanding season to be sure.

Thank you to all who played this year: all the regular players that have been playing since 1995 and 2008; players that came in midway through the season to provide cover for players on vacation, or at picnics that they could very easily have left and gone back to after the game but instead abandoned their teammates to play against a good team in the 98 degree heat and lose 1-0 on the fucking flukiest goal ever; all of the new guys that Bob Stinner scouted, negotiated with and signed all on his own no matter what anyone says and even though one of the two players that became centerpieces of the championship winning team are related to Mike Hasson and the other just so happened to play college soccer with Mike Hasson it was still all by Bob Stinner and Bob Stinner only and if there are any more signings in the future this truth will remain; and even players like Tom Klein who has been suffering with a lacerated vagina and Chris Reed who had his ACL torn by some tosser deserve thanks for their contributions earlier in the year.

It was fun boys. Let's try to do it again next year.

*I actually had no problem with anyone on the team.
**Barcelona, their players, their fans, basically anyone involved with them are complete and total c**tchops.

West Mifflin downs shorthanded Arsenal to advance to Championship game

2011-07-31T21:57:00.002-04:00

Arsenal 1-1 West Mifflin FC (West Mifflin win 4-2 on penalties)

Vargo; Kufen, Pasternak, Gasparovic, Winters; Gauss, M. Hasson, S. Hasson, Gauss; Stinner, Lacock

Substitutes: Nickel, Lee, Degerolamo, Isadore, Kutscher

1-0 Gauss (53)

1-1 Hamstring-less Wonder (89)

The Blues took on Arsenal, the GPSL Championship Division's class team for the second week in a row on Saturday, July 30th, for the right to play in the title game the following day. A mere six days ago, Arsenal bested the Blues 2-1 at their home field at Shady Side Academy on a complete twat-wad of a handball call. The memory of being screwed out of a ~~victory~~ probable draw (at best) served as motivation for the Blues, who needed two halves of extra time and penalties to advance.

Irony is a funny thing, and fortunately for the Blues, they were the ones getting the punchlines. West Mifflin, a team that has had tremendous difficulty getting enough people to games, was swimming in substitutes, while Arsenal, a team with I'm sure thousands of speedy little minions that are created with mud and sticks like Orcs, had exactly 11. The game played out similarly to that of the game a week earlier - with Arsenal passing fluently and intelligently - but West Mifflin were able to be more physical more often because of the numbers advantage. And thank God, because despite only having 11 players - one of which was nearly immobile because of a pulled hamstring - Arsenal still pinged the ball around like they were the real fucking Arsenal.

There is little to talk about of the first half because as usual I can't remember anything. West Mifflin had a few chances, but what they were or how they came about I can't recall. All I can remember is a massive blob of turd-fat and his merry sidekick being behind the West Mifflin bench drinking beer and belching. They were shirtless...and it was horrifying. I'm grasping here because I really want to get to the Championship game. My memory of that game is slightly more fresh...but fading fast.

Somehow, Arsenal got a free kick just off the top left of the box. The British coach and Lanky Turd lined up over the ball. Lanky Turd ran up as if he was going to take the kick and continued on past the wall, while the coach fed him the ball on the flank. Yeah...that's where I go blank. They didn't score though. Stinner had a couple chances but fluffed them both. Annnnnnd halftime.

The second half is as much an abscess of nothing as the first half was. However, after about eight minutes, West Mifflin made the breakthrough. The ball was passed around a few times and eventually was crossed in to Gauss. Gauss did something and then bundled it in. The WMFC bench went wild.

There really is little else to talk about until we get to the end of regular time. Earlier in the second half, Lanky Turd was jostling with one of WMFC's midfielders when he suddenly dropped for no reason. Immediately, an EMT came sprinting across the pitch, for there was no doubt Turd suffered severe brain, heart, lung, nervous system and sphincter aneurysms all at that same exact moment. But wait...no! The little cunt just took the second worst dive of his career. The shit got up grinning like the Cheshire cat - knowing full well he took a dive. Nothing came of it, but talk about foreshadowing.

With only around a minute and a half remaining in the match, Lanky Turd outdid his first dive with one of the worst flops of all time. I'm not even sure who was 'guilty' of the love tap, but someone ever so gingerly nudged this flimsy little turd and he flopped like a cinder block being dropped off a cliff. What's the worst part? Lanky Turd stands up with that same poxy-gummed grin on his face. Just moments before, another Arsenal player was absolutely mauled by Lacock, but whatever. This dive was criminal. So, an incensed band of WMFC players lined up around the outside of the box, heaping expletives at this dude as he lined up to take his ill-gotten penalty. I'm not even sure Vargo guessed the right way (I seem to remember that he did), but Karma, in all her glory, sent that bullshit clanging off of the post and eventually out for a corner. Immediately, a complete shit-storm of disses and name-calling rained down on Turd. It was really nothing less than he deserved. Unfortunately, the ensuing corner was turned into the top corner by a guy with a pulled hamstring that couldn't lift his leg to stop over an ant. Extra time was on the cards.

West Mifflin put immense pressure on Arsenal in the two extra frames. I really don't remember any of the two halves except that Gasparovic was on a rampage. Normally, he reserves his guile and malice for people that actually talk shit. In this case, however, the anger was too great, and the hot-headed Slovakian(?) started yelling at and bouncing into the Arsenal player/coach...completely unprovoked. In hindsight, that shit was hilarious. No one scored in the extra time so it went to PK's.

West Mifflin sent Baguet, Degerolamo, Gauss, S. Hasson, and M. Hasson to the spot. Baguet lined up and fired a beauty into the top corner. Arsenal responded with a make of their own. Degerolamo, in a wonderful and fitting ode to the FIFA video game franchise, chose to be a little snake and send it down the middle. The keeper dove and got a hand to it, but the shot was too much and it soared into the net. Arsenal responded with the first miss of the shootout, sending it wide to the right. The PK master, Steve Gauss, lined up to take his turn with a bum calf and for the first time I've ever witnessed, sent his kick wide.* The next Arsenal guy tied it back up at two a piece. Sean Hasson was next and sent a bullet up high and in to make it 3-2. The next Arsenal player stepped up. It was the kid with red hair. Not the Carrot Top curly haircut red hair, the regular red hair. He stepped up, picked his spot and let fly. Rob Vargo picked the same spot, leaped across the mouth of the goal, and made the stop. Cheers erupted as the Birthday Boy, Mike Hasson, a Bob Stinner signing from a year ago, stepped up to finish the job. The controller started rumbling. Mike placed the ball and took a few steps back. He looked at the keeper and took a deep breath (I guess). He made his approach and pummeled the ball into the top of the goal and the Blues rushed the field in celebration. That was it. The Arsenal were unbeaten no longer and WMFC was on its way to its first ever GPSL Championship game.

Check back tomorrow for what I hope to be a less shitty match report of the Championship game.

Cheers!

*I blame Tony Kostelnik.

Playoff Dates and Times

2011-07-27T09:02:00.000-04:00

West Mifflin will play Arsenal at 12:00p on Saturday, July 30th at Graham Park in Cranberry, PA on Field G.

Directions can be found here.

If the Blues (that wear white) win, they will play for the Championship against the winner of Sporting Club of Pittsburgh Bhoys and Sweep The Leg on Sunday, July 31st on Field E at 2:00p. In the regular season, WMFC lost 3-0 and 2-1 to those teams, respectively.

Show some support.

The goal

2011-07-25T23:10:00.014-04:00

And just then, a beam of light came forth from the darkened skies; a saving hand from the heavens. A boot came across the penalty area, parting the infidels and making its way to the loosened ball. The darkness trembled as this translucent ray shattered the blackened sky. Just when all hope was lost; just when the Blues collective rear felt too sore from the reaming they had received from the incompetent referee; just when each of them wanted to fold, fall to their knees and scream: LET ME OUT!...a hero stepped forth. A man of integrity. A man of strength. A man of grace, skill and power. A man that personifies all that is right, not just in the world of football, but in the...uhh...regular world as well. A man whose patience is exemplified week in and week out as he deals with college educated teammates that are incapable of typing either 'Yes' or 'No' in response to a straightforward inquiry such as, 'Can you make it Sunday?' Yes, this was a man of belief. A man of charisma. A man of unrepentant drive and determination. A man of...poise. Winters (?) lobbed the ball over a few defenders heads (?) to Lacock who raced down the side and into the corner. He sent the ball across the mouth of the goal where Degerolamo's sliding attempt took him into the keeper. Another little shit dove onto the pile too. The Hero found himself all alone in the box with the ball bouncing toward him. He drove his left foot through the ball, guiding it perfectly past the mangled pile of humanity that lay on the goal line and into the side panel. The man spun around to return to the center circle with the same poise that allowed him to place the ball neatly and precisely where it needed to go. It can't be said for sure but reports from around the time of The Goal, yes, just as the ball crossed the line, a man on crutches sitting in the bleachers threw away the sticks and walked freely with no assistance! Dogs not yet housebroken began opening their owners doors and letting themselves out to piss and shit. Snobs from Fox Chapel realized that they're not better than everyone else just because they're from Fox Chapel. It was a miracle. A work of heaven, personified by The Hero. But despite these phenomena coming to pass before everyone's very eyes, there was no celebration. There was no whooping and yapping. Just a few congratulatory handshakes, for the man knew there was still work to be done. But for that one fleeting moment, those at the Shady Side Academy stadium were exposed to the humanized iteration of grace and precision. And despite only a handful bearing witness on that Sabbath, all were enlightened.

Blues lose on bumblefuck call, still feel like winners

2011-07-25T23:10:00.013-04:00

Arsenal 2-1 West Mifflin FC

Vargo: Kutscher, Degerolamo, Gasparovic, Winters; Pcholinski, M. Hasson, Gauss, Baguet; Stinner, Lacock

Substitutes: Isadore, Pasternak, Lee, S. Hasson

0-1 Some turd (pen) (11)
0-2 Some other turd (25)
1-2 Stinner (43)

Huh? Crikey, I must have forgotten to describe the rest of the game...was there anything else to see? I'll do my best to make it interesting. Arsenal are good. They're young(er) and if I fancied to make a wager I'd bet my house they've been playing together at least three good years and practice three times a week. They pass the ball extremely well. Passes are either right to the player they're looking for or weighted perfectly into an area of space where the receiver can jog, without breaking their stride right onto the end of it. In other words: they're c****s. Seriously though, there's a reason why they ran the regular season table and scored 25 while only giving up five. The Blues had their work cut of for them. Unfortunately, the same ref that booted this game was back to shit on West Mifflin's game.

Now, a team of Arsenal's caliber doesn't need help from the referee. Much to the chagrin of the Blues, however, help from the ref is precisely what the home team got after only about 11 minutes. The Blues were being passed around like practice comes but were still holding the fort down. The Arse had shots, but none to really trouble Vargo. Then Kutscher made a run across the area, chasing his mark. A ball was shot across the box from behind him and in his stride, yes, that's right, as he was pumping his arms to run, the ball struck his hand. The chances of Kutscher actually knowing where the ball was is approximately 0.00%. But the ref immediately blew the whistle for a penalty. One of the worst calls of all time and more evidence that this ref doesn't know what he's doing or just doesn't pay any attention. Some Turd stepped up, sent Vargo the opposite way and drilled it in for a 1-0 lead. That horrendous call would be the difference in the game.

What made that bullshit call/goal even more infuriating was the nature in which Arsenal got their second. Yes, some really good passing preceded the goal but the final ball was provided by the 3,427th out of 3,427 ricochets the ball took off of seven different players' legs. After it ping-ponged around for 40 minutes the ball rolled perfectly into the path of some little turd who ran onto it and pinked it off the post and in. So, the best team in the league, despite dominating possession and having close to 90% possession was only ahead 2-0 through a complete c**t of a handball call and the luckiest throughball in the history of sport.

Just before the end of the first half, however, this happened.

So, Stinner got his first of the season and West Mifflin took that into the bench area as a confidence boost...and what a boost it was. Stinner, of course, was lauded by his teammates for such a spectacular goal. However, the always humble gentleman had this to say about his first half strike:

If you freeze-framed me just before I struck the ball and said to me to write on this here piece of paper the ten locations you thought the ball might go after I struck it, with one being where I most likely thought the ball will go and ten being the least likely, #10 would have been where it went.

The second half didn't look anything like the first. The Blues (that wear white) pressured Arsenal in every area of the pitch and didn't allow them anywhere near as much freedom as in the first half. Kudos yet again to the defense and all around superb effort of the midfield. If there's one thing the team does well, it's defend. For two years on the trot, West Mifflin has come second in goals allowed behind only the division winners.

There was little in the second half that's worthy of me racking my brain to remember in detail. Gauss sent in a good cross to Stinner early in the second, but Stinner, after years of not practicing the Mr. Gauss 45 degree angle drill, misread it and it sailed over his head. Pcholisnki waited too long to make a pass - leaving the forward he was passing the ball to offside...again. Towards the end, Stinner sent an absolutely glorious (serious this time, it was a beauty) ball over the heads of three defenders after a failed Arsenal charge left the middle of the park gaping with space. It fell perfectly for Daveon or someone and I don't remember what the hell happened after that...but the ball was perfect.

But that really is about it for the game. Arsenal knocked the ball around and pulled as many childish stunts as possible to waste time towards the end. The Blues had one final chance to tie with a free kick about 40 yards out. Baguet crossed it in and, like the real Arsenal, the pretend Arsenal weren't able to effectively clear their lines and were forced to defend a corner. Lacock sent in the corner but nothing came of it.

So, the Blues fall but they certainly don't feel like they lost. The best team in the league lucked out on one goal and were gifted another. They'd better rest up because it's Arsenal again on Saturday in the GPSL Playoffs Semi-finals at that park in Cranberry with the big Dick's (hehe) sign.

More information as it is received.

Til' next time.