Not so simply...me.

Parent of a troubled teen? You are NOT ALONE!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 06 Sep 2012 19:20:00 +0000

I received a call from an acquaintance yesterday. She asked where we sent our daughter for treatment.
My heart immediately sank.
Although we aren't close with this family, we have known them for a long time.

I explained to her that we sent HB out of state for therapy because in Washington State, at 13 years of age, a child is responsible for their own medical/mental health choices {Are you serious?!}.

What that means is that if you send your child to therapy in Washington, and they don't want to stay there, well,
they just leave.
Crazy.

When we went through this whole process it was years ago, but it seems like yesterday.

Our daughter was just 14.

She ended up going to the alternative school because she was struggling with her peers after making some poor choices. Now...HB had always had a lot of "friends." Not necessarily because she was so fun and kind, but because everyone wanted to be her friend rather than NOT be her friend....they were afraid of her.

At the alternative school she met some people that took her even further in the wrong direction. The drugs started, the disappearing for days on end, the attitude that was even angrier and meaner than before.

HB had been in counseling since her Dad died. She has always struggled with depression and anxiety. Counseling wasn't easy though, because she always felt like she was smarter than most of her therapists. (Truth is.... in some ways, she was!)
Remember what I mentioned here about HB being Mensa level gifted?

Where was I again? Oh yeah...

I shared where we had sent our daughter, and why we chose each place.
I shared with her that during that period of time I felt more alone than I ever had in my life.
You don't go around telling people that your daughter is strung out and out of control.

People judge.
People shouldn't.

I went into a depression during this time that lasted for years. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I let this Mom know that I am here for her to talk to, and that she isn't alone.

I am a good Mom. It has taken me a long time to find peace with that.

Good parents CAN have troubled teens.
Bad parents CAN have troubled teens.

God gave each of us the gift of free will and the choices our teens make are their own.  Hopefully, somewhere deep inside they hear us whispering to them what is right.

Do you have a struggling teen? Do you feel like you are alone in this? You aren't. We need to unite- to encourage, to support, to pray.
Just like I shared with that mom, I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

{love}

(Oh...and if you happen to know where the photo above came from, please let me know. I'd love to give credit where credit is due!)

Pinned there, Done that!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 04:30:00 +0000

Time for something fun! Okay, so I have mentioned before that I am kind of a research nut. Pinterest and me.... well, we were made for each other! The problem is that I spend so much time finding cool things to make, cool things to do, that I never end up making or doing any of it!

Time to make a change!
If I pin it, I want to do it....and share it with you!

Here is my latest Pin that I've actually DONE...

This.... is such a fun idea! I couldn't wait to let Willow give her little stuffed animals a bath. I did it exactly like Jessie at Play Create Explore did.

I filled a small bucket with soapy water, got a small bottle of bath soap for Willow to use to wash her "friends," and had the hose ready to rinse them when they were all clean. Here are the photos from our little adventure...

And after all of the scrubbing and rinsing, Wee One asked for a towel. She sweetly dried off and wrapped up (As best she could) her little friends one by one.

Sweet, huh?

Have you Pinned something and actually done it?
I would love it if you would share!

Notice anything different?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 17:27:00 +0000

Wee One and Papa...I LOVE how she always grabs his ears to kiss him!

Okay, I know I am not great at blogging regularly, but THIS TIME I have an excuse!!

I have been working on moving my blog from my last host to Blogger.
Let me tell you...This is not an easy deal.
It took a lot more time than I had thought it would. It didn't help that I had at first decided to go with WordPress, but after moving most of my blog over, I found out that I had very little control over the hosted version of it.
I don't like that.
I like to be in control.

Sooo.... on to Blogger. Hopefully this will make my blogging a bit easier and my life somewhat happier (Only because in at least one area of my life - I will be in control!! Well, sort of.)

Sadly, all of the comments made by any of you that might follow my blog or actually read anything I write, are gone. I really appreciate all of the input and support you have given me through your comments. Please, leave me some love if you get around to it! (It makes me feel a little less alone out here in the great www)

BYCXB33WZ3X6

A Dying Father's Words for His Children

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 17 Jun 2012 15:02:00 +0000

I have been very emotional lately-- With our oldest being in Ecuador and worrying about her safety, Kenzie graduating from High School (YAY!!), TK getting ready to get his drivers license…

There are times in my life when I think about Keith, my late husband, more than others. I love Mark, and I love my family, but that doesn't mean my mind and heart don't take me back…through all of the big events that Keith has missed in his kids lives, and all of the little events that he has missed too. (I like to believe that he hasn't really missed them, but observed them from a distance!)

I pulled out an old journal recently and the entry seems appropriate to share today - Father's Day.

A little background before I start… at the time I wrote this, Keith was in the end stages of his life, and in and out of reality. He was barely aware of his surroundings, and there were very few times that he was alert at all. That's what made this morning such an amazing one, and the words that came from his mouth and heart the greatest blessing.

June 6, 2001

Keith awoke this morning looking so alert and "alive." After I got the girls off to school I went in to sit with him - in the midst of the unreal; we are in a half built cabin- raccoons are all over. He thinks they are under the bed and in the walls and wants to figure out how to get them out. The reality leaps out through the cracks of the cabin at me. He misses his Dad. He cries. He doesn't want the kids to use his death as an excuse for failure in their lives. He said that he was going to write a letter to them, telling them that. I told him he should do it right then and that I would help him. I went and got a pen and some paper and he began to speak what was in his heart - things he wanted to make sure his kids knew. With such clarity he spoke. I haven't heard him talk like that in so long.

(This is what he dictated to me word for word without stopping. I still have the sheets of notebook paper with the words scribbled as quickly as he spoke them…)

Don't use not having a Dad as an excuse for failing - in fact, don't use anything as an excuse for failing.
If anything use my death as a reason to succeed.
I'm proud of you and always will be.
I want your life to stand for something, but don't hold on too tightly to anything.
Be a giver, not a taker. Be a lover, not a hater. Be a worker, not a watcher.
Put God first and everything else will fall into place.
Love your mother -- really love.
Don't even think about the opposite sex until you are 21. (A little smile crossed his face when he said this...)
God is there - especially when it seems like He isn't.
Make the choices in your life based on scripture and advise from wise elders who have been through it.
Always tell the truth. You'll never go wrong.
Hold everything up against the light of Scripture to see if it is true and valid.
Don't say you love someone until you really know what love means.
Use the Bible as an instruction book for life.
Take Uncle Dan with a grain of salt.
When given the chance, always be a servant.
Love your family-- they may be your last stronghold. When all else fails, your family will still be there.
Live simply.
Honor others, but don't copy them. Be your own person.
Don't be afraid to make a mistake -- admit it, fix it if you can, and learn from it.
Have lots of friends, but a few good ones.
Be the kind of friend that you would want to have.
Enjoy life while you can, the way you can, because you never know … (He told me to write dot -dot- dot)
Be and do the best you can in life.
Be willing to sacrifice for a friend… you are not the most important person in the world.
Don't just say you love someone- show them through your actions and your choices.

(Back to my journal entry…)

Quickly we are back in the half built cabin. It does feel like we are in the middle of something unfinished - but what is it? Is it life or is it death?

This was one of the greatest, most moving moments of my life. I just couldn't keep it to myself any longer. I hope that you follow Keith's advice from above... Enjoy life while you can,
the way you can,
because you never know...

Keith Edward Houghton went to be with Jesus on June 28th, 2001. He left behind 4 kids, Jessie-13, Hannah-10, McKenzie-7, and Tanner-5 ... and the prayer that still lingers on my lips today, that they will all seek to know and walk with God.

A Note of Encouragement

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 22 May 2012 14:58:00 +0000

: Simply me.... Just pondering life.

As I am lying in bed, feeling worn out, overwhelmed, and just plain under the weather, my phone tweets letting me know I have just received a new text.
Yes, my phone tweets.
It's the only notification sound that doesn't scare the other baby in the house-- our 125 lb Bernese Mountain Dog. (Plus it is Spring...a tweet seemed appropriate!)

Here is what the text read:

"Theresa, what u are doing RIGHT NOW, with Willow and this season of life, is so pleasing to God. It is not a waste of time or energy. It is precious to Him. Your self sacrifice has not gone unseen nor will it go unrewarded. I just felt like God wanted me to tell you that."

I have been in , well, kind of a state of confusion lately. (Shhhh to those of you saying, "Just lately?!) I've been trying to figure out where God wants me and what he wants me to be doing.

I touched on the subject here… Yes, I know we are doing everything we should be doing when it comes to Willow. We are blessed to have her in our lives!

It goes beyond that…

You see, I ran my own promotional product distribution/marketing business for over 10 years. I loved it! I loved it until all of the trouble started with HB (Wee One's BM)
She took all of my
time and energy.
(And this was all BW…..Before Willow.) About 4 years ago we made the decision for me to quit my business. It wasn't that we were giving up a lot of money, because I wasn't a Fortune 500 company or anything,
but I did give up
a part of myself.

It was an outlet for me to be creative, to be social, to be productive outside of my home.
When I quit I made the decision that I was going to go back to school to pursue graphic design-
which I had taught myself, and used to run my business, but didn't have a degree in, and then ...
I was going to get a really cool job doing really cool stuff, and Boyfriend and I would take lots of vacations with the massive amounts of money I was making...
Then along came Willow.

"On the night you were born,
the moon shone with such wonder
that the stars peeked in
to see you
and the night wind whispered,
'Life will never be the same.'

Because there had never been
anyone like you...
ever in the world."

I firmly believed that I needed to be home while my kids were little. My convictions haven't changed.

I know that I need to be home with Willow,
loving her, teaching her, caring for her.
No one can do that like a momma can…or in this case, me.**

Why is it so hard to NOT worry about what I could be doing and focus on what I AM doing?

I know that is what God wants from me.
I know that is where i find my peace.
I also know that I will forget all of that in a few days and start asking those questions again.

So, dear friend, Thank you.
Thank you for listening to God and for sharing your words of encouragement with me today. "God is pleased with me… really?" I pray so. I will continue to seek His will, not only in my tomorrows, but in what I am doing today.

Simply....About Me.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 12:16:00 +0000

Simply about me.

This…..

is me.

a bit about me & why I blog.

To put it simply...I am here sharing bits of my life, hoping to touch yours.

From dealing with being abused as a child, being a young widow with four small children, getting remarried and becoming mom to a blended crew of 7, dealing with a wayward child, to being a way too young grammie raising her grandchild… I’ve experienced a lot in my life. I believe that using our past as an excuse for anything is wrong. I know that without the hope that I have in God, and the love that He has shown me, I would be lost. I believe God has a plan for each of us, and although I wouldn't choose to relive everything that has happened in my life, I believe God can use me to help others because of my journey.

The main focus of this blog is described below, but I am sure to share bits and pieces on everything from the practical and insightful to the fun
and frolicky

stuff of everyday life.

so why am I writing this blog? well…

Because I have always had the perspective that I didn’t need to know why I have had to go through the uncomfortable things in my life as long as thru them I could reach out and help another.

Okay. That isn’t the only reason. I need you, too.

Being a relatively hip, cool, and young (43 years young!) Grammie who is raising her granddaughter, I started seeking out information and support online only to find there was very little out there. I did find, however, that about 1 in 10 children are being raised by at least one grandparent!

Our beautiful little one is 28 months old. I was there at her birth, and she has been with us pretty much ever since that day…but more on that later! Wee little Willow brings so much joy to our lives that it is hard to imagine wanting life to be different, but we would. We would want her to be at home with a healthy Mom (And Dad), and then have plenty of play dates and fun time with Grammie and Papa. But that wasn’t the plan. Nope.

How come nothing ever goes according to plan? Well, at least not according to my plan.

So while raising seven of our own kids, and just three years away from being empty nesters, we are starting the parenting journey from the Wee Willow beginning.

I would call that a bitter-sweet blessing, but a blessing nonetheless!

So here I am.…starting this journey called blogging to share my thoughts, stories, and my life with you all.

What would we be doing now?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 06:27:00 +0000

I hate asking myself that question because I feel so guilty doing so. but i do.

There are nights when all of the older kids have gone out with their friends and Boyfriend and I are just sitting around watching Wee One play.

Our youngest is 15 years old,

our oldest 23.

Our children are out on the town, our friends are out on the town,

and here we sit.

Don't get me wrong - we LOVE the time we spend with Wee One,
it's just that,
well, I wonder…

Would we be out having a fancy dinner, just the two of us, planning our next vacation?

Would we be out with some friends listening to some great jazz band we've wanted to see?

Would we be taking a romantic walk under the stars, reminiscing about where we've been and dreaming about where we want to be?

You see, we've done our time. We were (and still are!) great parents. Our lives revolved around our kids-(I know you are thinking, well, that was dumb! It's not healthy for a relationship to have your focus be your children!)
but when you raise 7 kids…some with special needs…
then you can tell me
HOW TO NOT
have your life revolve around your children.

Sometimes we had up to 10 soccer practices a week to transport to and from, 5 games a weekend,
and really, can you even imagine tournaments??
I literally had to map out who went where when and make sure boyfriend and I each had a copy of the list so we could drop off, pick up, drop off again… and hopefully remember to pick up our little athletes!
It was wonderful. Seriously.
We loved living the life we lived, with just a few exceptions.

Add in other after school activities, church, youth group, and such to the mix and our lives were beyond full. We would often joke about the time when our kids would be grown and you would still be able to find us at the sidelines of the local soccer field, cheering on the the kids.

Our dreams for when our kids got older weren't large,
they were just peaceful.
A few trips here and there, being able to cook a nice meal together while sipping a glass of wine (stopping to slow dance when our favorite songs came on),
being able to give more of our time and energy volunteering
in our community and church.

simple. lovely. nice.

Instead of feeling sorry for ourselves, we have embraced it. We will still have our trips, we will just be bringing along a toddler (WHAT A LUCKY KID!!),
we will still cook our meals and
dance our dances, but we will have a wee one dancing with us.
Our time volunteering will include an extra little helper… learning to give even at this wee young age. What a great way for a kid to grow up…. Don't you think?

And as for me wondering what we would be doing right now?
Well, I'll just keep reminding myself that we are doing exactly what we would be…just with three of us instead of two.

Oh So Cute Fabric Tutu!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 06:20:00 +0000

Snooping around Pinterest I ran across these EVER SO cute fabric tutus that everyone was making (or buying on Etsy!)

They were so adorable that I HAD to have one for Willow, but I wasn't sure I wanted to spend that kind of money on something that I thought I could easily make for less than half the price.

I did a quick Google and came across the AdelynStone Blog that has a DIY tutorial for making a toddler fabric tutu.
(LOVE the site! Check out the Repurpose page for some really cool ideas with ladders and suitcases!)

Since I have made tutu's before, I kind of had the basic idea of how to do this, but being the Google addict I am, I had to do some research before beginning.

I didn't have enough scrap fabric on hand for the project so I went to JoAnn Fabrics with my iphone in hand (I have a JoAnn Fabrics app that gives me coupons because I always forget the ones I have saved at home) and began looking for the things I needed. I was really excited to find a roll of coordinated fabric pieces already cut to 2- 1/2 x 42 inches! The fabrics were so cute and cost me, with the use of my 40% off coupon, around $8.00!

I wanted the skirt to last awhile (and because I like to keep things SIMPLE) I used a brown 1 1/2" wide satin ribbon instead of sewing the elastic waistband like KristanLynn did in her tutorial. I took my precut fabric strips (Another benefit to having bought the precut fabric was that they were cut to the perfect length already. No cutting at all was required for this project EXCEPT for cutting the ribbon to the perfect length to go around Wee One's waist and with enough left over to tie a sweet little bow. ) and started tying them around the ribbon, putting it around Willows waist every once in a while until I got it nice and full and the perfect size.

E-A-S-Y!! Even the uncrafty can handle this project! Here is how mine turned out...

Cute, huh?! Willow loves it! She
twirls and dances
and it really does look adorable on her.

Well, she looks adorable no matter what she is wearing.

Let me know if you decide to take on this easy project! I'd love to see your wee one twirling in your creation!

Sh sh should we?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 06:17:00 +0000

People think she is older than she is--
partly because she is a little tall for her age, but mostly because of how smart she is.

I know what you are thinking:
"Every Grandparent thinks their grandchild is a genius!"
You are right, they do. BUT Wee one is one of the smartest little people I have ever met! I know there are way more gifted babes out there in the world, but like I said…I have never met one. Seriously.

One of the things that makes her abnormal is the fact that she understands, and has understood, concepts that I should be trying to teach her. For example: hot vs. warm vs. cold. She knows the difference.
She will even say, "this is a little too hot, can we make it warm?"
She knows up from down, in from out.
She can draw W's, make circles, and put her own shoes on.
She uses full sentences. The longest I have counted was around 12 words!

Crazy stuff for a wee one that isn't even 2 yet!

Don't get me wrong, she isn't one of those kids that can recite all 50 states, or that knows every letter of the alphabet.
And she doesn't always say exactly what she means, for example (These are a few of my favorites…)

'Should we take her boots off now?' (Meaning, "Should we take my boots off now?" Everything is "Should we." I love it!
'Should we take a bath now?'
'Should we go outside now?' LOVE IT!
She is soooo cute!

It was so sad to listen to her (but so stinking adorable, too!) recently when she went from using just a few words in a sentence to the longer sentences.
She would stutter as the first word or two came out as she was trying to put the rest of the sentence together in her head….

"Should, should, should, should we read a book now?"
"I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm not go to bed yet."

Her little eyes close and her head tilts to the side as she repeats the first word over and over AND THEN she opens her eyes and finishes her sentence.
OH MY GOSH!
At first I was concerned that this might be a speech problem, so I watched her closely and figured out that it was just the jump in the number of words she was trying to spit out. Her little mouth wasn't ready to keep up with her brain! The stuttering lasted for a few weeks and then slowly disappeared, showing up just occasionally now.

I don't take any credit for how advanced Wee one is other than the fact that we do read to her A LOT, and we have never been big on baby talk.
We just talk to her like we would talk to each other.

It actually kind of scares me that she is so bright.
Her Momma was almost as advanced as her at this age.
BM (Birth Momma…Remember?) said her first word at 6 months old that wasn't momma or dada- it was bear. That's not the amazing part- the amazing part was that she KNEW WHAT A BEAR WAS! We would show her different things and she wouldn't respond, show her the bear and she would get excited and say "Bear! Bear!' (Yes, we actually have it video taped and have had to show people that this story is true)

BM was talking in short sentences at 1, just like Wee one.
The scary thing is that BM tested as MENSA level gifted when she was older-
but how'd that work out for her?
Not good so far.
She has always thought that she was soo much smarter than everyone else; her parents, her teachers, her doctors.

Soooo… I will just share with you how smart I think Wee one is (and not let her read this blog.) I will just keep telling her how loving and kind she is, and keep the focus on her heart…

Resources, Links and Helpful Insights

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 02:43:00 +0000

RESOURCES , LINKS, AND HELPFUL INSIGHTS

I am a research freak. When we first got physical custody of Willow I started researching every possible thing I coud about Grandparents raising Grandchildren. At first it was the legal aspect. It was so hard not having legal custody, knowing that at anytime one of her birth parents, neither sober nor sane at the time, could come in and just take her away.

Now that we have full legal custody my searches have changed.
I am very concerned with the emotional and psychological issues associated with grandparents raising grandchildren.
Believe it or not, I have found there is very little

information on this topic.

I want to know the best way to help Wee One feel loved and secure.
I want to know how to explain to her why she is being raised by us instead of BM and BF.
I want to do everything I can to give this little love

every advantagefor a happy and productive life.

So.... Hopefully some of these will make your research a little easier.
I wish there was more beneficial information here, but it is a start.

I will continue to post what I find that might be of
interest or of help to someone.

Hey! Did you know...
More than 1 million grandparents are taking on the responsibility of raising their grandchildren? You may feel like you are alone in this journey-- but you are not!! We need to support and encourage each other!

SITES FOR GRANDPARENTS RAISING GRANDKIDS

STATE FACT SHEETS - AARPEach state fact sheet includes state-specific data and helpful links such as:
-Census Data
-Local programs and resources
-Foster care policies and Services
-Public benefits and financial assistance
-State laws

GRANDPARENTS RAISING GRANDCHILDREN BY KAREN WRIGHT
Karen also has a blog Grandparentingblog.com She has a ton of information for grands raising their grandkids, as well as some great stories and links.

Please don't look at me that way.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 06:15:00 +0000

I guess I have always been a pretty open minded person.

Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of being judgmental, "holier than thou", and moments when I should be tugging at the log in my own eye instead of pointing out the twig in theirs.
But I have been through a lot in my life and I know that on days when I am not at my best because of some trauma (or drama??) or pain that has presented itself, I appreciate the grace that the smile a person I have been crabby with gives.

Since my kids were little, when they would complain to me about how mean a teacher had been, or how rude a friend was being,
I would say,
"Well, maybe their dog died."

Now you may be asking yourself, why would she say that?
Let me put it simply for you....
Life is hard, and life just happens.
Yep. That's all I have for you, but it pretty much sums it up, right?

You never know if that lady that cuts in front of you in line at the store is just distracted because she recently found out she was losing her job,

or the person that loses their temper with you over something that seems silly has a husband that was just diagnosed with cancer,

or the teacher that is being short tempered has just had to put her dog to sleep after 15 years... you just never know.
Life is hard, and life just happens....to all of us.

I need this grace more than anyone.

I am often wrapped up in my own little world, worried and and overwhelmed, just trying to make it through the day.
I may not notice that I cut in front of you-- I'm sorry.

I may not even notice you at all.
I am sorry.

My head is busy trying to rationalize what my heart is feeling, and sometimes that takes all I have.

This is not an excuse for rude people, what it is
is an excuse for people that don't mean to be rude.
We all have our moments, so please, smile at the man that frowns at you, pray for that teacher that has been losing her temper, and try to remember...

I don't mean to be rude- It's just that life is hard, and sometimes it just happens.

little lady - a wee bit.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 06:14:00 +0000

Auntie DoDo calls Willow Little Lady. The other afternoon Willow is eating her snack and decides to share with Mac, our Bernese Mountain Dog. Mac gets a little excited and nips a little too hard when grabbing his snack from Willow, so Willow says, "No Mac! No hurt Little Lady!" (21 months old)

The Feel of Cancer

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 06:12:00 +0000

Keith with our four children after brain surgery.

No matter how deep you bury it, it never completely goes away.

I'm not talking about the memories of the person, I'm talking about the memories of the cancer.

Jess and i went to see a movie last night titled 50/50.

It started off a little uncomfortably with some foul language and uncomfortable scenes, but then it got really good.

We laughed, we cried... then we cried some more.

Jessie and I were some of the last to be sitting in the theater after the movie ended, both of us with our eyes still wet, staring straight ahead at the screen.

Keith is often in my thoughts. When I look at one of the kids and see his smile, when I look at Tanner and he is raising his eyebrows just like his dad used to... When I have flashes into the past that a photo, a place, or a song has sparked. These are the good thoughts, the good memories...the ones that make you warm, and happy.

Some of the scenes in the movie made me feel like I was right back in the moment... Sitting with Keith when we found out that he had cancer.

The way the

world starts spinning,

and the words being spoken become muted.

The way you walk through your days in a fog, barely feeling, yet feeling it all. And I wasn't the one with cancer- I was just the one who loved the one with cancer.

My whole world started spinning again as I watched this movie.

The shaving of the head because having some control over when he lost his hair mattered, the time over the toilet after chemo...wishing there was something I could do to help take away the pain, to take away the sickness...the times when the doctor said, "The treatment isn't working...the cancer is spreading." These are the bad moments-- the memories you try to bury.

You can't explain that feeling to someone who has never experienced it, and you hope they will never know what you don't want to,

or can't,

explain.

It is a place you wish you could forget that you had been, but you never, ever can. Especially when you watch movies like this.

I still wonder if it is a good thing or a bad thing to bring those memories to the surface. Maybe they help me remember how precious life is, how precious the time with my loved ones is. Or maybe they just take me back to a place I never wanted to visit in the first place... either way, it's time to bury it all again for now...It's just easier that way.

What Would I Have Done Differently? (Part One...)

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 06:06:00 +0000

Raising a baby at this time in my life has made me ask that question a lot.

AND THE ANSWER IS...(Drum roll, please!):
A few BIG things sprinkled with a lot of little things.

When we bring a child into the world we aren't given a manual, a step-by-step checklist, or a written plan on how to turn that helpless, precious baby into a productive, positive, faith filled adult.

And if we were given the luxury of such a plan, each child's would be significantly different, because that's the way God made us-- all different. (Why, Oh Why, couldn't it be simple??)

Having raised all of our kids so far into their teenage years I am able to look back and see the positive (and sometimes negative) results of my parenting choices.

I don't have enough time, nor enough courage, to lay it all out right here and now, but this is what I will share...

I would take care of ME more.
Now I know that sounds self-centered, and you are thinking, How could that possibly make life better for a child you are raising? Let me tell you- It makes life better for everyone!

In the process of taking care of my family, I forgot to take care of me.

Selfless, loving, giving... All of the things I thought I was being. Exhausted, impatient, and sometimes bitter were what I had become.

What do I mean by taking care of me? I mean taking time for myself...time to exercise, time to be alone, time to be with friends, time (and money) to get my hair or nails done... I always put myself last.
Isn't that what any good Mom would do?
Nope. I know that now.

The healthier I am spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally- the better Mom I am. This doesn't mean that I spend most of my day at the spa or at the gym.
It means that I TRY to schedule time for me....sometimes...instead of never.

Expect More.
I guess you could say I felt sorry for my kids. I mean, they watched their Dad battle brain cancer for 5 years, only to lose him at a young age. Throw some ADD, Anxiety, and Learning Disabilities into the mix and, well, it left me wanting to make life easier for them sometimes.

BAD MISTAKE.

If our parents have high expectations for us that are placed with love, we tend grow into them. If our parents have low expectations of us, we tend to settle for good enough. At times I set my expectations for my kids too low, mostly because I didn't want them to ever feel like they had failed me, or that they weren't good enough.

I wish in more situations I had pushed them to not just settle for good enough, but instead to push the limit.

That's all the confession you get from me today! I take comfort in knowing that God knew my heart during those years, as He still does now, and that I did and continue to place my children at His feet through prayer. We all do the best we can based on what we know.

Oh, if I only knew then
what I think I know now...

peace of pizza - a wee bit.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 06:02:00 +0000

Rocking her to sleep at night, I often sing the song "The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face shine upon you, and give you peace, and give you peace forever." The other night while rocking and singing this to her, her eyes are closed as she's drinking her bottle and drifting off to sleep, I get to the verse "...and give you peace, and give you peace for...." Her eyes pop open and she pulls her bottle from her mouth, "Piece! Piece a pizza! Piece a pizza!" Yes, Willow. "... and give you peace, and give you pi-ece of pi-zza." (20 months old)

A new room for wee one.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 05:00:00 +0000

I know.... It's been a long time since i've checked in. I've been busy!
Boyfriend has been in Japan on a business trip for the last three weeks (And i am missing him like crazy!!)

so...I have been busy finishing up some projects around here- like Willow's room!

What do you think?

So I already shared the bedding with you (Thanks Chella and Brian!) that the room was designed around.

I started by painting the walls soft yellow and green, matching the bedding.
I then started painting the tree.
This was A LOT harder than I thought it would be...that is until I decided I was making it too hard!
Yep, I was trying to make it perfect,
but after I just relaxed and let my creative energy flowww, It turned out great!

I was going to cut out leaves from scrapbook paper for the tree, but on a trip to my local Kohls I found these cool wall decals that had not only leaves that matched perfectly, but some ADORABLE owls and birds to boot!

(What does "to boot" mean ?!)

I hung a little birdhouse, and I must say it adds just the right touch to the adorableness!

I put a brown beanbag chair and a basket of books
at the bottom of the tree,
you know, for those times when she just feels like sitting under a tree
and reading a book :)

Next was an idea I got from Family Fun.
A clothesline to hold Wee One's cute little hats and coats!
I just painted the posts and the line, added a bird from the Kohl's find, and a few drawer pulls for hooks!

Cute, cute, cute!

Add the growth chart and mobile I made for Willow's first birthday...

and some special items, like the bird painting her BM (Bio Momma) painted and a chest that my late husband made
for me, and we have a room that Wee One LOVES!

I have a few small (But too cute not to share!) projects to do before I consider the room done. Stay tuned for more!

Willow's Journey

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 04:58:00 +0000

I could kick myself for not keeping a baby book for Willow....(I won't, because I am against violence, but I do deserve a good kick!)

I thought about it often, but every time the thought crossed my mind, guilt and sadness overwhelmed my being.

"I am not the one that should be keeping a baby book, filling in all of the precious firsts that take place in Wee ones life..." is what I kept telling myself. Truth is, I was the one that has been blessed to see all of those precious moments that Moms treasure.

Willow's first time rolling over, sitting up, her first tooth, crawling and then walking...the dancing and singing. Do I remember it all? Yes, I was there for all of it! but I wish i would have documented it all for her to read about when she is older.

I am going to make up for it! Right here, right NOW I am going to record all of the wonderful things that happen on Wee Willow's Journey and share it with you!

Now, since I am behind I most likely will be sharing some exciting "firsts" from her past as well. Why not? I can share whatever I want here... It is my blog, right? (And I'm sure there will be lots of photos thrown in just for fun!)

tiny feet, high heels.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 04:56:00 +0000

Tiny feet, High Heels.

Is the love of shoes inherent for some?
I'd like to think that I am not responsible for this obsession Willow has for shoes.

Not only is she constantly putting on other people's shoes, she seems to find the need to point out to complete strangers that they, too, are wearing shoes.

Sometimes it's cute.... other times, not so cute. "Shoes...dirty." While pointing at the strangers feet with a disgusted look on her face.

When she spots a pair that she really likes on someone, she get's excited, "Shoes! Shoes!" Smiling like she's just run into an old friend.

Sadly, one of her first words was "Boots."

Yep, I will admit, I have a problem. I LOVE BOOTS!!
Apparently Wee One does, too.
Walking through a mall when she was barely a year old she would point out every pair of boots she saw, and proudly say her newly acquired word..."Boots!" Oops.

The Impressive thing about Willow wearing the shoes in the photo above was the fact that she could actually walk in them!

This has been a reminder to me that I have a huge impact on what is important in Wee One's little life... I hope she sees how much I value my God, my family, and friends as much as she sees my love of shoes!

Which reminds me...Did I tell you about her asking for for coclat over and over the other day? Yep, she meant CHOCOLATE. Now where did she learn that word?!

smells- a wee bit.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 04:52:00 +0000

While cooking tonight Willow asked DoDo, " More, smells?" DoDo didn't understand what she was saying, so Willow showed her the drawer. And said, More, smells? The drawer holds all of our spices. As DoDo opened up each bottle, willow would say, "yumm..." or "no, no, yuck!" (18 months old)

Bittersweet

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 04:50:00 +0000

I can barely keep from having a complete breakdown this morning. My heart is breaking for the St. Germain family. Their son, Spencer, died this morning. Spencer is the same age as my son.

There are so many parts to this story that bring me to tears-- The fact that Spencer is the same age as my son, the fact that his parents must feel a void that will never, ever be able to be filled, and the fact that Spencer had a twin sister. The thing about twins is that although they each hold their own identity, they are also thought of as "one."

I keep picturing them looking at their family photos from the past, and then picturing future family photos... always a void. Always a missing smile and a bittersweet moment.

I know this feeling.

The feeling that you are so thankful for those you have surrounding you in that photo, but it never will feel complete because of the one that is missing.

You see, I have experienced a similar loss.... My husband of 14 years died of brain cancer 10 years ago, leaving me to have my family photo taken surrounded by our four beautiful children that I was so thankful for, and the bittersweet pain that only a heart that has lost like that can taste.

My son went to visit Spencer this past week in the hospital. He and Spencer had know each other for a long time, but were never especially close. For some reason, Spencer had requested that Tanner come and see him.

I was so proud of my son.

It was hard for him to see Spencer, who was barely able to open his eyes, and he wasn't sure that Spencer even knew that he was there.

But Tanner knew.

He knew he did the right thing by going, and even though he lost his Dad, he can hardly remember those times because he was so young, so this was truly the first real time he saw that this earthly life is not endless.

A powerful message to a 16 year old boy that is in the midst of having to make all of those tough choices that a teenager must make.

I remember all of the silly, unthoughtful things that people said to me when my husband was dying. I'm sure their intentions were good, but their words were not always.

For example, there was the lady that told me that I must have sin in my life that is keeping God from hearing my prayers about healing my husband.

Or the people, yes, I said PEOPLE, that mentioned that thankfully I was still young enough to find someone else.... but the one that really stuck with me was the woman that said, "Well, at least it isn't one of your children that is dying." I remember being completely appalled by her comment, thinking that i would choose neither, and how dare she compare one with the other.

In the moment, she was wrong, but now I see she was right. You become one when you are married, but you are still 100% your own being. Your child though.... Your child is a piece of you... yes, 100% their own being as well, but still made from you, and because of you. Where do you find peace in this? The loss of a child you love so much? That you have given life to? Only one place... Only from one hand...only from God.

Spencer had peace knowing where he was going. His biggest fear was for those that he left behind. I don't know the St. Germain's, but I do know they love God. Now that doesn't make the loss they will feel any less, and it won't make it any easier. They will be angry, they will be sad, and they will question why.... but hopefully they will always come back to the same place that I did.... that I still do....to the peace that can only come from God.

Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I pray for that peace for their family today, and for all of those that knew and loved Spencer. God Bless You.

Image courtesy of : freedigitalphotos.net

nishe...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 04:43:00 +0000

What she is trying to say is "Nice."

Willow went through a stage where when someone got in her space, she would hit their face.

Although I didn't think it was okay, I completely understood.

You have to understand we have a houseful of teens-- teens that think that Wee one is adorable, so adorable in fact that they can't help but constantly kiss her little cheeks.

Being a baby of very little words, she couldn't say, "Could you please just leave me alone? You are in my space!" So instead she would just look at them and give them a smack in the face.

Some learned faster than others to ask Wee one for a kiss, others had to endure many smacks before catching on.

When Willow would smack one of the love seekers,
we would gently grab her hand and brush their cheek and say, "nice, nice..."
Well, that didn't work.

Eventually we ended up just putting her down and walking away when she hit. She quickly realized that she didn't like that and the hitting subsided, and her groupies soon figured out that they could ask Willow for a kiss and every once in awhile she would grant
their
wish.

Today Wee one wasn't feeling well because she has a few of her molars coming in
-OUCH!-
and she was C-R-A-N-K-Y!

It was both sad and adorable as she occasionally freaked out and shoved her hands into her mouth in pain (sad part) and then she would immediately take her hands and rub her cheeks and say "nishe, nishe..." (adorable part.) I am so proud of you Willow Bee.

You are filled with so much love and you are very nishe.

On the Night You Were Born

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 04:39:00 +0000

Tonight we were driving home after a visit with Hannah. The crescent moon was low on the horizon and was bright and beautiful. Willow immediately pointed it out.

Every time the moon was hidden behind some trees she would say,
"Where'd she go?"
Then when it popped back out from behind them she would excitedly say
"There she is!"

The moon looked so low in the sky that she would keep saying, "Uh Oh. Fall Down." "Oh, Boy! Fall Down!" and point at the moon. (cuteness.)

Her eyes would be looking out the window at the moon
and we would hear in a little whisper, "Willow, Willow..."
It wasn't until I was in bed thinking about the day that it hit me what you were doing!
We often read the book, On The Night You Were Born, by Nancy Tillman.

Throughout the story, we whisper her name,
"Willow, Willow..."

You are precious, Willow.
Even the moon knows your name.

Not a Baby Anymore

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 04:37:00 +0000

"Where, Oh Where, has my sweet baby gone?
Oh where, Oh where could she be?"

Okay, so I can't sing very well but I really want an answer to that question!
I have been reminded over and over the last few days how fast these baby and toddler days fly by.

Recently I was going through photos and I noticed that just a few months ago Wee One had short baby hair, now she wears her hair in two pony tails that actually look like ponytails!

Instead of just one word and pointing to let me know what she wants she puts together a few words and takes my hand to show me if she can't make me understand.

Last night Boyfriend took Wee One to the park-- just the two of them because Grammie needed a little break. When they got back I asked Willow if she had fun. I was amazed when she smiled at me, nodded her head yes, and told me "fun, swing!" Yes, I cried.

Silly, I know, but it was just another sign that baby days have flown.

I have been mad at myself for not keeping better tabs on all of the exciting firsts in Wee Ones life. I won't continue making that mistake.

Every day with this sweet little one is a blessing and I don't want to forget a minute of it. Thank you, God.

Go Away!- a wee bit.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 04:33:00 +0000

A little kid at the park today told you to go away. All day you have been saying randomly..."go away" sadly :( (16 months old)

Detached...not Disowned.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 04:29:00 +0000

I have really struggled with the personal line I have had to draw with my daughter in order to take myself to a healthier place.

The last 5 1/2 years with her have taken me through every possible emotion a person can have,
from guilt and sadness,
to anger and resentment.
I was not only mentally exhausted, but physically and psychologically spent.

I couldn't sleep at night because I was either up worrying about her or I was up "dealing" with her and whatever situation she had gotten herself into.
Even when I would finally fall asleep, my last thought would be of her and as soon as my eyes started to open, my first thoughts...of her.

All of this not only took it's toll on me, but on my family.
You know that old saying,
"If Momma aint happy, aint nobody happy?"
Well, it's true.
Not only did my family have to deal with everything my daughter brought to the table, but they had to deal with me as well. I fell into a depression.
My body ached, my head hurt, and my heart was broken.

When I look back now I can see that I was grieving.

I had dealt with the loss of my late husband of 14 years, so I was no stranger to grief. I just didn't realize it when I was in the middle of it with HB.
You see, I was grieving the loss of my baby girl.
Not only once, but over
and over.
Every time she showed up with bruises all over her body, hand prints on her neck...every time she disappeared for days at a time, I grieved.

Every time she stole from us or lied to us,
every time I saw her making positive choices and then sabotage herself, I grieved.
Hope, then disappointment.... over and over again.

The fact that she was so young when all of this started made a huge impact in how we handled things. You can't turn your back on a 14 year old. You do everything you can to help them until you realize there is nothing else you can do-- That they are old enough to make their own choices.

There was a moment for me when I realized that I had hit that spot. I had nothing left to give- Physically, emotionally, mentally and financially I was empty.

Every time we did something for HB, hoping that it would help take her forward, she only continued to move backward.
(Lesson learned after way too many "somethings!")

I wasn't even able to listen to her anymore.
Every time she opened her mouth I expected a lie to come out.
I couldn't look at her, either.
Every time I had to be in the same room with her, I felt sick to my stomach. The emotions that welled up inside of me were so intense, so overwhelming that I actually got
physically ill.
And then to top it all off, I felt guilty because i actually felt like this around my own daughter.

The only way I could survive was to detach.
Completely.
I didn't care, no, couldn't care, where she was living-- whether it was safe or clean.
I couldn't care how she was going to get home from wherever she had gotten herself stranded.
I couldn't care whether she was staying sober or not.
None of it was mine to care about-- it was hers.
I had spent too much time caring about what was going on with HB.   It was time to care about myself and the rest of my family.... to care about Willow. I couldn't do both.

Detach.

Now, not everyone understood my position. "You are her mother... You can't just turn your back on her!"  "You are all she has."
They had never walked where I had walked. This wasn't about Hannah. Did they not see that? It was about me.... finally.
In order to take care of my family and Wee one like I want to, like I am SUPPOSED to, I had to take care of me. That meant , yes, I'll say it again, DETACHING.

I did not disown her. She is my daughter, and she will always be my daughter. What I did disown was her life. Now when she was younger, her life was in my hands. She was my responsibility.
She is not a little girl anymore.
She is responsible for her own life, and for each choice she makes in it. I understand it when I say it, and I am reminded again when I write it, but it doesn't mean that I don't have moments of guilt feeling like I have turned my back on her.
And, just in case you are still wondering, I haven't.

What I have done is turned around to look at what I have neglected for so long... the road forward... and I am not letting her keep me from it any more...
It just so happens that she is behind me. My hope is that someday she will be walking that same road moving forward with me, but that is up to her, not me.
She will always know where to find me...praying for her, loving her, and on the path moving forward.

I dropped her off at treatment yesterday and they gave me a copy of this poem. This sums up what I shared above.
I guess maybe I didn't detach or disown... I just "Let Go."

TO LET GO...
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
   it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
   it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
   but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
   the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
   it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
   but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
   but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
   but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
   but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
   it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
   but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
   but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
   but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
   but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
   but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
       and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace.
-- Author Unknown

Photo courtesy of: www.freedigitalphotos.net