URBAN GIRDLE

untitled - confession of an awful truth

2013-11-01T08:17:00.002-07:00

I have a confession. I've been cheating on my blog.
She's been lying is stasis for a few months now and I've been posting to tumblr. I know, I know it's awful and unfair of me to abandon my precious Urban Girdle so I will try and figure out how to "marry" the two. I couldn't even give it a name because I felt so guilty....ha!

"untitled"
dirty little secret

Lost between Zombies

2013-08-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

(me)

FDA - definition of...

2013-03-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

JELLY

Nutrition Facts:

Serving Size: As much as you can handle

Servings per container: Infinite

Calories: 0 Calories from Fat: 0

Recommended Daily Allowance: Take as needed…

*Percent Daily Values are based on positive attitude and willingness to change

Ingredients: (includes but is not limited to) Star Stuff, Fairy Dust, Mojo, Juju, Wampum, Gobbledygook, Magic, Blarney, Jumblies, Timelessness, Wonder, Smiling w/ Your Whole Face, Bibbidy-Bobbidi-Boo, Fearlessness, Charm, Sim Sala Bim, Joy, Nonsense and an Open & Loving Heart. (also may contain peanuts but NEVER corn syrup)

TALES FROM THE MIC:

2013-02-28T09:41:00.002-08:00

The cute new singer/bartender “Katie” who comes on shift after Suddenly Stand-Up last night was the cherry on my rocking set at the Duplex! She popped over and said, I know we haven’t met, but I caught the tail end of your birthday party a few weeks ago and I have to say I’ve told your “cross-trainer” joke to just about everyone. My mom loves it and of course I give you credit!

People, I might never be rich or famous but that tiny, sincere moment will keep me flying high for weeks on end!! Shake your jelly people! Let the joy flow far and wide it makes a difference!!

ps-look who's blogging again. hahahah truss up your girdles I'm baaaaaaaack!!

Wonder Underwear

2012-09-13T09:37:00.001-07:00

This often happens to mortals as well....not me of course I'm speaking of other mortal types who have memory lapses.

Mad Mad Mystery

2012-07-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

While the TomKat divorce spins itself into butter this week I finally found a blip about the demise of a marriage that baffles me!

Elisabeth Moss married Fred Armisen, a kookie match for sure but then Christina Hendricks married Geoffrey Arend...must be something in the water cooler at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce.

When news broke of Elisabeth and Fred splitting I was shocked but more awed about how there wasn't any information as to why?? Not even a sighting of irreconcilable differences. Just over, kaput annnnnndddd scene. So my heart leapt at this mention in La Daily Musto.

In other celebs-clocking-each-other news, Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss has finally spoken out about her ex, Fred Armisen:

She tells People:

"One of the greatest things I heard someone say about him is, 'He's so great doing impersonations. But the greatest impersonation he does is that of a normal person.'

"To me, that sums it up ...I've never told anyone that. And I don't want to waste any more of my life talking about it."

Case closed.

BUT WAIT I'M STILL CONFUSED!! WAH HAPPENED??

How weird did it get?? Was he bringing Portlandia home with him at night? Were there bee costumes?? Bubble wrapped guinea pigs in the freezer? I mean don't make me go all Jessica Fletcher on your ass. Give it up!!

Even in her passing.....

2012-06-28T14:43:00.000-07:00

Nora Ephron keeps giving me insight into the mess that is my life even two days after her death. Via a lovely article in The New Yorker written by the hot, new "it" girl star, director, & writer of HBO's GIRLS. SEEING NORA EVERYWHERE by Lena Dunham

1) "You can't meet someone until you've become what you're becoming."

No wonder I've been alone for 25years. I'm still caccooned in the fear of being. Don't get me wrong I have peeled back layer upon layer to get down to the me I want to be. The me I know I am, but in its equally haunting refrain I hear my own mother telling me, "No one will love you until you love yourself." Yup, both are true obviously, only I didn't think they would be the remedy to each other. How do YOU love yourself? Answer: By becoming who you are, not by hiding or pretending to be a stage manager or an executive assistant who could give a flying fig about fundraising. Geez one session with Nora could have saved my thousands in therapy.

2) "You cannot wait around for someone to give you permission to tell your stories."

Crap.

I was hoping that's how it worked. Someone would read one of my stories, blogs or think one of my jokes was particularly funny and then boom! You are granted permission into the writing room of your choice where there are snacks in the communal kitchen and you can bring your dog to work. A freshly scrubbed hipster face pops in every 20 minutes to ask if YOU need anything while you create the "second" greatest story ever told.

If I don't tell the stories that are marinating within me then I am not my truest self and therefore I'll never become the person I'm supposed to be to attract the person who's supposed to love me. Instead I'll die alone a bitter, frustrated writer at the bottom of a whiskey bottle who's true talent and voice were wasted because she was too afraid to be judged. Well I don't like that one bit.

I ranted on Facebook yesterday after reading there is ANOTHER play being produced with a 5:1 male to female ratio. This makes me want to vomit in my hat. Only I don't have a leg to stand on because I'm a "bag of cats" over anyone reading/judging my plays, who am I kidding they wouldn't get produced anyway because none of the women die, get raped or have an abortion.

So with Mixed Fruit, my web series I'm co-writing with a friend I am taking baby steps toward myself. The writer. Let's hope the rest works itself out.

A tiny bit of both.

2012-06-27T10:13:00.002-07:00

I've stumbled across the perfect picture that blends what my childhood memories consist of... a mix of old and new. Familiar friends from the hundred acre wood and a galaxy far, far away.....silly old lightsaber. Hahaha love it!

Really? It is a Circle.

2012-06-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

When you bury your parents in your twenties parts of you die. You leave them in the ground or at sea. In the beginning, you barely notice the pieces are missing because the pain has you shattered. Then as the years roll by you change, your subconscious lets go of those dreams you used to have of moments that will never be. You let them go and in their place you harden. You think, "I’m fine, I can do this, I’m just growing up and moving on." Only you’re blindly stuck in the concrete of loss.

Then suddenly a baby is in your life and you throw open those vaults you thought you’d never visit again. The joy comes flooding back sweeping you out of the doldrums and life appears new and bright, albeit covered in baby spew. I’m never going to be someone’s mother I’ve always known I am much too selfish for that, but I will be someone’s Aunt Slappy. I can still build forts, believe that fairies are real and know the way to Narnia. Adventure lies ahead and lucky for Lily I’ve still got my toys.

Artsy Fartsie

2012-06-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

Recently I realized I missed my true calling. I've been designing t-shirt my whole life and am now obsessed with http://www.teefury.com/ They sell amazing limited addition graphic t-shirts for $10 + $2.50 shipping and are available for one day only! The artists are selected by submissions and then they receive a percentage of how many shirts are sold. GENIUS!

I might have blogged about starting a t-shirt company called B's T's before, but now I feel like if I can just get my designs in order I can have them produced by this site. (i.e. if they're good enough!)

I wrote them a fan email last week....sometimes you should just reach out and make someones day.

FROM: ME

LOVE ME SOME TEE FURY!! Just wanted to say I love this website.....the t-shirts are always first rate and are delivered in a prompt fashion! I recently ordered from the "grab bag" and can't believe I got another "He Abides" t-shirt! What are the odds!! Nothing but love for you guys! Keep it up! -brandy :-)

REPLY: TEE FURY

Hi Brandy,

Thanks for contacting us, we appreciate the feedback :) You can't know how refreshing it is to get an email where I'm not getting yelled at for something :P

Enjoy your awesome new tees!

Sincerely,
Marissa
TeeFury Customer Service
service@teefury.com

BLARG!

2012-06-08T14:06:00.003-07:00

I haven't been blogging.
Failure.
I have been performing.
Success.

More later.....

Holy Unexpected RX Batman!

2012-04-12T16:00:00.001-07:00

I just found a Xanax in my pocket.

I'm not sure if I'm more concerned that:

A) I don't know how it got there.

B) How long has it been since I washed these jeans?

C) Woo Hoo! I have a Xanax!

Bye-bye bag o'cats feeling!

Way back when 42nd Street featured hookers & drugs!

2012-03-06T10:23:00.001-08:00

It’s my one claim to fame in the New York Times. (so far...)

New York Times Review

The Wild Project is putting up "This is Our Youth" this weekend. See it if you can, it’s a great show. Also, if you are ever in the New Group Theater on 42^nd Street check out the original poster, you’ll see my name…Part of me wants to check out this version of the production, maybe I’ll take along my script and call the cues in my mind. Ahhh the good ole days of poverty & wearing black everyday. lol.

March 8 & 9 @ 8pm
March 10 @ 2pm & 8pm

$18

www.thewildproject.com
195 East 3rd Street (between Ave A & B)
New York, NY 10009

ROCKY TOP!!

2012-03-06T08:21:00.003-08:00

LB & I packed up our dirty clothes and headed home college style to Knoxville for her hometown baby shower and some R&R before "Nugget" arrives. Needless to say she scored big time at the
shower.

"Nugget" doesn't need anything until at least 6mths to 1T (whatever that means...lol)

We ate great food, I finished my book much to LB's delight. Apparently I'm funny even while reading. The 3pm nap became the standard afternoon reboot and we were spoiled rotten by friends and family. I really can't say enough about Camp Wells it is the premiere resort location in Eastern Tennessee. A small blue dot heaven in the middle of a red state.

We had breakfast at Cracker Barrel right before we left when we spied an electric car recharge station. Really? At the Cracker Barrel who knew? Some townies approached with great caution, "what the hell is that? is it part of the Obama-Care? Careful it'll suck out your life force." Hahahah!

LB was quite the star! She recorded a podcast, was interview by the UT Magazine and "auditioned" for the head of the theater department. One day on our way back to the homestead from the UT Campus we noticed this bit of graffiti. Baby Nugget already has a following!!

All in all we had a blast, and I now have 7 new friends on Facebook because I killed at the baby shower. Those ladies were Steel Magnolias on steroids and laughed like I had showed them the special road to joy. Truly a great feeling. A beautiful way to close the life before baby era!

~This is BFF Brandy signing off & Aunt Slappy saying hello & pass the Tide Stick I'm covered in baby puke!

Rachel Who?

2012-02-09T11:41:00.000-08:00

By what magical means does Rachel McAdams keep booking the same movie roll over and over? I mean clearly she can't remember sh*t...we got it! I prefer her "mean" or suffering her "slings & arrows". Rachel snap out of it! You're tempting the fates! Stop telling the universe you have memory problems or you will end up alone in you own brain!! Pick up a gun and fight some vampires like all the other starlets! Geez!

Dreamy....

2012-02-08T16:00:00.000-08:00

I adore this You Tube Video for a number of reasons. One it stars two of my favorite people on the planet Christopher Tierney & Natalie Lomonte. Their talent blows me away every time they move, effortless grace that makes me feel lighter than air and I'm just sitting here in my Jew cube watching! Two it's produced by Treehouse Productions, as everyone knows my apt. is named the "treehouse "so obviously I'm partial. Three it's another example that it IS possible to create something small and beautiful that reaches a mass audience. Finally, I have these fantasies on the subway all the time. It's one of the best things about living in the city that doesn't sleep, you can dream at the drop of a hat even when you're surrounded by strangers.

Brava Rebecca Faulkenberry!!

The Small Hours

Pitch #1

2012-01-31T10:40:00.000-08:00

Picture this.....Kristen Schaal and myself in the American version of The Vicar of Dibley. It's GENIUS. We set it in the south and call it The Episcopal Bishop of Shreveport. Come on it'll be fun!

Vicar of Dibley Joke Collection

Truth be told there has been a US Version kicking around already. Jane Leeves and Peri Gilpin set up their production company Bristol Cities with a U.S. version of The Vicar of Dibley as their first project. On 6 February 2007, Fox announced plans to adapt The Vicar of Dibley into an American sitcom, titled The Minister Of Divine. The series starred Kirstie Alley as a former "Wild Child" who returned to her hometown as its first female minister. The series was not picked up by Fox for its 2007–2008 schedule.

Fox's loss is FX's gain in my opinion!! Other competing networks are free to apply. hahahaha!

Whatcha talkin bout Mitt?

2012-01-30T09:17:00.000-08:00

Regardless of his Republican ideology, his religion, or exceptionally low tax rate paid or unpaid. Mitt Romney on the Today Show told Matt Lauer and I quote.....

"Politics ain't bean bags."

First of all, what?

Second I can't trust anyone, regardless of what Merriam-Webster says "is" a word, who says "ain't". The leader of the free world should have a more developed vocabulary. One sets an example by raising the vernacular bar for those who gather to listen.

Ain't is like nails on a chalk board. Mitt you appear to be talking "down" to the people. Don't fool yourself Mr. Romney, you are not one of us. Anyone who lives on interest earned on "investments" is not Joe America from Main Street. So to be perfectly clear about your colloquial misstep I "am not" voting for you.

This also goes for anyone who thinks -th is pronounced -f.

Miller Time

2012-01-26T06:00:00.000-08:00

“Every day we slaughter our finest impulses. That is why we get a heartache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty. Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source. there is no mystery about the origin of things. We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, only to discover what is already there.”
― Henry Miller

ps-It's always been there, it's just doing it alone that scares me. You were supposed to hold my hand and help me navigate the obstacles. Now I have to jump. Leaping from the safety of my mind and into realty; a dangerous place for a dreamer, but as they say it's, "Miller Time". Now or never squire....I can't disappoint my #1 fan now can I?

My President!

2012-01-25T07:53:00.000-08:00

This is a status update circulating Facebook. I thought it was wonderful and deserved its own blog posting.

MY PRESIDENT:

1. Got Osama Bin Laden...check

2. Unemployment rate down to 8.5%...check

3. 1.6 million jobs created with no GOP help...check

4. 22 months of job and economic growth...check

5. Ended war in Iraq ...check

6. DADT repeal...check

7. Not one tax hike in 3 years....check

8. Same wife for 15 years with no extra marital affairs...check

9. Saved the auto industry which got GM back to the #1 automaker in the world and created 1.5 million jobs...check

10. Assisted in ousting Ghaddafi...check

11. Only active President to receive Nobel Peace prize while in office...check

12. Mortgage modification to prevent home owners from losing their home ...check

13. STILL fighting for middle class families...check

14. 1st president since Roosevelt (GOP) to reform healthcare....check

15. Reformed financial system, first time since FDR...check

Personal Statement: I was born into a Super Conservative Republican Catholic household. I went to college and saw the world, opened my mind to people & ideas. Expanded my horizons and learned that we either stand together opposing bigotry, corruption and greed or we fall prey to it's grinding wheel. Lest we forget "ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL" and until that day when we ALL have the civil rights we deserve and can flourish financially within our dreams only then can we rest against those who would subjugate us under their oligarchy.

Obama was handed over America as the sinking Titanic and not only has he plugged the whole and stop the ship from sinking, we are starting to finally sail! Full speed ahead for the next 4 years! Huzzah!

Toasty Digits!!

2012-01-19T08:37:00.000-08:00

The Swedes invented something I can use that doesn't require an L wrench to put it together only to have it fall apart in 3 months. The Sküüzi (it even has umlauts!!) is genius for the outdoor beer drinker!! It might even make me like sports more!! Double fisting just got cozier!! Wait what?

2011 Stats - The Best of it Podcast

2012-01-18T09:22:00.000-08:00

Starting 2012 is full of excitement and promise like with every new year we think this ONE will surely be better than the last. So I'm starting with good news. Marc & I have some really interesting facts & stats about our podcast project, The Best of it Podcast. Here is a breakdown of who's listening to us ramble through current events and what life throws in our general direction.

Our listeners live in the following countries....

	United States
	Canada
	South Korea
	Israel
	Indonesia
	Turkey
	Cambodia
	Germany Most of them live in New York City and speak English both in the styles of the good ol USA & her majesty's UK (oh there is a difference, if you don't trust me ask Oscar Wilde) and one lovely listener who speaks Turkish. Who knew? 69% are female and 30% are male....I guess that 1% is our undecided or tranny market. In this age of social networking and technology you really can reach the world from even the tiniest of treehouses on the Upper East Side. We endeavor in 2012 is go even further and expand to an even broader audience....so tune in and spread the word, life isn't worth living if you're not making The Best of It! https://www.facebook.com/thebestofit http://soundcloud.com/thebestofitpodcast

Hair Raising Idea

2011-12-07T10:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes your heart just says, "no." I thought writing my Christmas memories would be a fun task and a nice archive later to return to, but it simply hurts too much. Revisiting them is just upsetting so I am abandoning this blog assignment to replace it with my usual rambles.

First up: CANCER!

Wit on Broadway

Cynthia Nixon is bringing Vivian Bearing to the Great White Way. I couldn't be more thrilled. I didn't see Judith Light do it downtown, but I did see Emma Thompson in the HBO version. I'm still recovering. The cancer aside what put me into action to blog was this picture of a bald Ms. Nixon. (click link above) What is it about a bald woman that is so jarring? I don't feel the same way about bald men. Capt. Picard rocks it as does Michael Jordon, I don't think twice. Am I just conditioned to think a woman is "naked" without her hair. As if it's taboo or wrong to be caught without your locks? Or it immediately triggers "sickness" and that face of "are you ok?" I don't know, but I don't like it. Bald should be beautiful for both sexes. My sister shaved her head a number of years ago because she was just fed up with it. The up keep, the way men treated her because of it. She worked a jaunty scarf to the horror of everyone around her.....(by the way this was pre-Britney Spears meltdown). She looked great and it was an amazing and liberating experiment for her. I've always said I would do it at 50, but I am thinking of moving that date up a decade or so....to baldly go where women fear to go!

Christmas Memory #2

2011-12-02T09:11:00.000-08:00

There's a picture of me somewhere under the tree in pink footie pj's. When I say "under" the tree I mean as if I was a mechanic checking it for oil. I would spend hours looking up through the limbs at the lights and ornaments. It was a parallel imaginary universe where sugar plum fairies danced in my head and sometimes before my eyes. I swear they moved but maybe I had too much "adult" egg nog by mistake.

Creating fanciful story lines for the inanimate treasures we collected over the years and wishing deep down that I could join them amongst the needles. Or maybe I was just really into "The Littles" at that time, but they lived in the walls of the house and not in a tree....I digress.

Christmas is about escaping into the warmth of childhood. Getting as close as I could to the tree made the magic of it spring into my tiny little brain. Clearly it took root and has grown into my memory. Kind of like that conifer tree that grew in that guy's lung on Grey's Anatomy only less gross & deadly.

Christmas Memory #1

2011-12-01T13:39:00.000-08:00

I decided to try and recall a Christmas memory for everyday of December up until the 25th. A peeping advent calendar of the holiday through the morass that is my grey matter. They will be in no particular order, just what springs forth from my cerebral clouds.

We had a live tree every year until we moved to Florida. The family would bundle up and jump in the car and head off towards the nearest forest. Dad would brandish his hack saw after Mom picked the perfect sized spruce and we'd cut it from the earth, load it on the roof and trundle home. Sometimes if the wind is right in Central Park on a blustery winter day I can smell the freshness of the pine & recall the snap of sap on my fingers.

Later on after we moved to Florida we bought a plastic tree from Sears. It never felt the same as when we hunted down our own Tannenbaum.

Wie treu sind deine Blätter!