Inscriptions

I'm a bad mother

2020-08-17T09:03:00.004-07:00

I'm a bad mother.

I'm bad because, I try to discipline my son.

I'm bad because, I try to tap his energy into something.

I'm bad because, I push him a bit more to get things done.

I'm bad because, he got tooth cavity.

I'm bad because, he is dark skinned.

I'm bad because, I try to make him study for an hour a day.

I'm bad because, I try to time what he has to do.

I'm bad because, I'm strict with my rules.

I'm bad because, I want him to hit the bed at 9.30pm.

I'm bad because, I wake him up by 8:45am.

I'm bad because, I feed him lunch even if he says no.

I'm bad because, I compel him to have vegetables.

I'm bad because, I make sure he brushes his teeth atleast twice a day.

I'm bad because, I don't let him eat chocolates or packed drinks.

I'm bad because, I deny any kind of junk food.

I'm bad because I ask him to draw for 45mins in the day.

I'm bad because, I ask him not to sip from everyone's cup.

I'm bad because, I ask him to do potty in the morning.

I'm bad because, I ask him to revise his subjects for 1hr a day.

I'm bad because, I restrict his screen time to an uninterrupted 1hr a day.

I'm bad because, I want him to sleep with me.

I'm bad because, I want to narrate a story or a rhyme to him in the night.

I'm bad because, I want to wake up looking at him.

I'm bad because, I make him repeat hymns for competitions.

I'm bad because, I am trying to expose him to something that I never got.

I'm bad because, I'm a insecured mother.

I'm bad because, I'm not what they want me to be.

I'm bad because, I'm lost between what I want me to be and what I am.

I'm confused about how big of a disaster I am...

Normal or Abnormal

2020-04-21T23:35:00.002-07:00

I’m different. In many ways.

I’m kind of abnormal in others’ terms, I would say; no way close to how people around me, think.

‘My kind’ of doing is not as per what is expected out of me. So different that, sometimes black and white seem similar!

I’m never looked along norm, for what I do; always, either looked up or looked down.

I’m never a part of the packed-normalized-bell-curve-area. I don’t even think, I fall in the curve, first place.

If you ask me, if I’m happy the way I’m? My answer is a ‘No’.

If you ask me, if I want to fit into that curve? My answer is a ‘No’.

If you ask me, if the way I’m, is the right way? My answer is ‘I don’t know’.

If you ask me, what I’m up to? My answer is ‘I don’t know’.

If you ask me, what I’m now? You will have to wait for the answer, for an extended tenure.

If you ask me, if I would answer? My answer is ‘I don’t know’.

I know what would be running in your mind. Yup, I know; that I’m confused.

So deeply confused that, I’m confused about why I’m confused and what I’m confused about!

Wow! That came in a flow!

Somedays, I want to pursue everything; somedays just lay lazy.

Somedays, I’m up and running even before sunrise; somedays even at 8AM I’m sleepy.

Somedays, I’m a great host; somedays, I don’t want anyone around.

Somedays, I’m very loveable; somedays, I’m the least wanted.

But mostly, I’m the opposite of what I’m actually supposed to be.

On a special day, I’m lazy and sleepy; on a boring day, I’m all awake.

During an event, I go paranoid about hosting; on a normal day, I look forward to guests!

On a normal day, I’m abnormal and during an abnormal day, I’m either very very abnormal or very normal; the opposite of how I’m supposed to be.

I seriously don’t know if I have to be worried about this or am I just acting the usual way, I would – abnormal on a normal day?

By the way, what did I want to write about? Is it normal to forget it or am I abnormal, my actual normal??

Fingers crossed

2020-03-15T02:47:00.000-07:00

I have been married for more than 75 months now.. Life has been pretty cool in our terms; we do have nasty fights and drastic terms exchanged, pricked and poked. But, life has always taken us to places and we have pushed ourselves back home with a lot of hope and strength...

Everyday in our lives, we see not only different people but also, so different ourselves. Every morning, facing each other could be an awesomatic way to start the day or it would be the most difficult one.

We do know, we are exactly the opposite to each other; we don't have common interests, no similar likes, no corresponding perspectives. But sometimes, this cruel life pattern brings these things to the obvious limelight that the bitterness, stings through your heart. We feel so outsider to the family.

We get to that uncomfortable companionship state that, we don't want to look into each other's eyes or even speak a word to them.

The pain of being different sometimes aggravates to the saturation that every move of us expects a response and it is always in negation or opposite of what we expect. We feel ignored when we actually want to be pampered.

Life is indeed clumsy and confusing... It becomes clumsier and more confusing when you expect it to answer your questions.

All that you can do is just trust that, this too shall pass; put on ur armor and ready yourself for another tricky day...

Fingers crossed...

Love is in the air!

2020-02-12T23:56:00.000-08:00

Love is in the air!

Feb-14th is approaching; everyone is talking for and against celebration of Valentine’s Day. They justify why we should celebrate and why we shouldn’t. Whether we celebrate it or not, we need to accept that ‘Love’ is indeed in the air.

I got to read the letter penned by RajkumarRao (Bollywood Actor) on Instagram for his lady love.

In this letter, he mentions about the grandiose that is specified and hyped for the celebration of love not only on this special day but any other day too. He mentions phrases ‘sweeping a girl off her feet’, ‘blinded by love’, ‘madly in love’, ‘better half’, ‘love is all you need’, ‘settling down’ and what he senses on these trendy phrases.

He correctly mentions about the grandiose and pressure that is surrounded around the term ‘LOVE’ these days. When this emotion is natural for any living being, the expectation that is set by the trend and the society is alarming, according to him. He finishes the letter saying that he will shoulder her in all her ways and together they will ace heights and do something meaningful to emphasize his love for her.

Hats off!

RKR has correctly sieved the knots. He has clarified what is what and how it is actually supposed to be. Very clear it is.

So, now what?

Does it feel incomplete somewhere?

Does it feel like the thread is hanging untied and there is something missing?

If your answer is a yes, please read ahead. Else :) Thank you for reading!

Friends,

Are you looking out for the piece that is missing? Feels like something is incomplete?

I know what you are looking for. Please read ahead! :)

Hari and I have been married for 6 years now. Ours was a matrimony based arranged marriage; USA-India couple; met very few times prior to our marriage. Our life till now in a glimpse: Living with all in-laws in a big joint family; working couple; different passions and hobbies; very few similar interest; 4 year old toddler. :)

We have our ups and downs. We fight nastily over petty and big things and patch up in a silly way. We have stayed without talking for weeks. We have spoken about divorce; 2nd marriage and what not! We are evolving. We learn from each other (I hope so!). We shoulder each other’s needs and responsibilities. But finally, together, we make a great partnership.

Now, when I look back into my marriage life, it is a normal cool life that I have lived. Everything is above average; something most of my fellows don’t get. I’m indeed indebted to the eternal energy and my husband for this.

But, I feel something is missing in my life trail.

A very small piece!

A trivial thing that shows up sometimes very obviously but is blinded with the life scenes other times!

Trying to find out what I'm looking for, I understood it is the ‘Magic’ in the relationship.

When I say magic, it is the small surprises, unexpected hugs and kisses, involuntary happy tears, date nights, beach walks, dinners, ice cream under the moon, rain drive and lots more. It doesn’t have to involve lot of money or effort. It just has to happen suddenly; so suddenly and unexpectedly that the ‘happening’ leaves a mark in the mind.

These special moments need not be created with grandeur; it needs to be stitched with your love and attention.

So, in response to RKR's love letter:

Dear Too-Logical-Lovers,

We know you do everything for the family. We know what we mean to you. We know you love us a lot. You are great for what you are. But, be a little less practical / analytical or logical sometimes. Get off your logical coat and put on something casual and lively too.

Spice up our lives, a little more, with some silly, cute, lovely things. You don’t have to be too logical always!
Please give it a thought!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Lots of matured love & little of silly love,
Confused love-partners!

Freedom & Happiness

2020-01-08T02:51:00.001-08:00

For an English Oratorical... 3 mins

Sudha Murty, a unique Indian author with great clarity in her thoughts. “How I Taught My Grandmother to Read and other stories” is a collection of shorts stories, available in the market from 2004, pretty old release but has been in the print for a long time now. This collection has many quotes to mention and the topic of today is indeed one of the specials.

“Doing what you like is freedom; Liking what you do is happiness.”

Let’s split it up. Two parts: Freedom & Happiness.

“Freedom is the oxygen to the soul.” Says Moshe Dayan, an Israeli leader and politician. He has rightly stated the importance and value of freedom to oneself. Freedom is all we want when we are under pressure and succumb to the external force. It was what Indian fighters and leaders fought for and got after a struggle for about 100+ years. While we feel that word, it emphasizes and establishes the “endless expanse”. “Freeeeeee” - that is the feeling of “Doing what you like”.

Now, about happiness, what is it actually?

Let’s see what science has in response to that question. In scientific literature, happiness is referred to as hedonia the presence of positive emotions and the absence of negative emotions. We get the “high” when we are happy and the things that are responsible for this are biochemical processes and the release of so-called happiness hormones. The most popular ones are endorphins, dopamine and serotonin.

As per the dictionary, the term happiness is used in the context of mental or emotional states, including positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. When do you actually feel happy?, feel Contented? - It is, when we are in sync with what we are doing; when we are intact with what we do; when we like what we do. That is the feeling of “Liking what you do”.

“Doing what you like” – Emphasis is on the individual.
“Liking what you do” – Emphasis is on the feeling.

“Doing what you like” – It is the signal received from the brain.
“Liking what you do” – It is the yell or whisper from the heart.

“Doing what you like” – is loud.
“Liking what you do” – is soft.

“Doing what you like” – is outward.
“Liking what you do” – is inward.

They are not two sides of the same coin. They are indeed two different genres of the mind. But they can never be replaced by any other and are never mutually exclusive too. They co-exist and are indeed like the 2 parts of the brain. It might look like we could survive with one, but this thought itself is absurd and could be because of the lack of the other.

Like the sea and the sky, these 2 genres "Freedom & Happiness" meet only at one point - the "special horizon" which is "Peace", which is the impeccably ideal place for life to evolve.

Always, be free and happy! Be at peace with yourself to feel it all..!

My Horizon!

2019-12-06T04:20:00.002-08:00

The clock ticked 14.20.

She looked at her watch. It was later than usual for her.

She hurriedly checked the hall wall clock again. The clock hands seem to be moving faster than usual. She thought why was she not home yet? Was she in some trouble?

She decided to give her a call.

Tring… Tring… (No answer)

It was half past two now and was late by more than an hour. Was there seriously a problem to her? What would have happened otherwise? Puncture? Traffic? No cab?

Ting… Tong…

She opened the door to see her outside dressed in pale blue jeans and a casual top, contrast to her in a dark brown sari.

“I had been waiting for you, for about an hour now. I get only one day with you and you are out even today!”

……

“Ok come on. Have food with me.”

……

“Isha? Do you even hear what I’m saying?”

With foot-falls heard close to her, she assumed Isha was approaching the lunch table. But alas!

“Isha?”

……

She looked at her. Something was wrong.

“Mom…”

……

“I’m in love with someone else.” Isha started to shiver in humiliation and uncertainty.

……

“Mom, say something!”

“Who?” She chewed the word out but it came out only as a whisper but audible enough in the startled home.

“Surya”

“Your school-mate?”

Isha shook her head in affirmation. Tears rolled down her cheeks.

……

“Mom, I know this means nothing. I should not have gone out with him today. If I hadn’t gone to my batch meet and today, I wouldn’t have had to overtly confront my feelings now.” Isha broke down and ran to her room to cry her heart out.

She was shocked. The incidents that were happening were too drastic to react normal.

She walked to Isha’s room where Veer’s portrait adorned the main wall.

“Isha. Get up!” She made Isha sit up.

“Mom, that doesn’t mean I didn’t love Veer.”

……

“Mom please forgive me. I didn’t plan this at all.”

“Isha, wait.”

“It is just a year since Veer left us in the accident. I feel so small.” Isha kept weeping.

“Does Surya love you too?”

“Yes mom. But, why does it matter, Mom? What will people say?”

She pacified herself with a deep breath.

“Isha, people will talk with what they see and not the truth. Why do we have to talk about people who don’t know the facts?”

“Mom, Veer was your only son. We married against your will. But you accepted us, unlike my parents. How can I bring so much shame to you, by bringing someone else in here?” Isha wept helplessly.

She smiled slowly.

“Veer is gone, Isha. It has been over a year now. You were everything to Veer and Veer was everything to me. Now, you are my horizon, dear.” She hugged Isha comfortably.

Isha’s weeps started to fade as their bond thickened in love.

“Isha…”

“Hmmm?”

“When are you getting Surya home?”

Any-moment-ending-life!

2019-11-12T01:26:00.000-08:00

I was driving back home, at ease.

I had started early and the traffic was not heavy too. Ram was not well and it was a good opportunity for me to be home and spend time with him.

At a junction near Guindy, I slowed down seeing the signal color change from green to amber. I was sure that I would not make it. I was driving in the second lane and another two-wheeler to my left, slowed down too.

Just then, an auto raced past me, on my right. At the same instant, a white kitten crossed from my left and went past my lane, right under the auto. The driver did not notice and went ahead to cross the signal, in red.

The kitten was ran over. It was pouncing and withering in pain, in front of my eyes. It squirmed from side to side and then twisted unnaturally. It throbbed up and down and was spilling blood from its mouth, in every pound. The sight was horrible to witness and something in me was pushing me to drive again on it, to end its pain.

After a few minutes of throbbing, the kitten lay there lifelessly.

A rider next to me, went ahead to move the carcass of the cute little one to the road divider side. He dropped it to the shrubs and tried to check if it was still alive. I walked across the road, right behind him, unaware of the traffic around, my eyes stuck to the cute little one; now, the dead, hurt, deformed, bleeding one.

My eyes were filling up. I looked at that person, not sure what I was expecting to hear.

“Poiduchu ma. Mudinjuduchu.” (“It is done. Over.”) Tears went down my cheeks.

I offered my water bottle, to wash his bloody palms. I took a quick peek of the little one and walked back to my bike.

I started to sense the surrounding noise. My bike was right at the middle of the busy road. Right behind me was a company bus followed by cars. I drove ahead to the signal, which was still in red. The entire scene was done within one traffic signal change. However, it felt like a very long time.

May be if the auto driver was a little careful…
May be if the left side rider and I had not slowed down…
The kitten would have been alive.

Not sure, if its mother was around…
Not sure, if it saw the incident…
Not sure, if auto driver saw the kitten coming…
Not sure at all…

The incident went on in a loop in my mind, until I reached home. When I saw Ram, I could not control my tears. I thought about the mother cat, which would be expecting the kitten to be home.

The wait of the mother cat, was tending to infinity.

The next moment of life is very uncertain. It is what which makes life interesting and scary too. If I had been the one, whom the auto had hit, then that would have been the end of my chase. Over and out!

A friend of mine always says, “The son who could not express his love, to his dead dad, ask him the worth of every single minute that he lost.”

Take time to cherish the beautiful life that we are bestowed with. Speak to people in pain; help them out. Enjoy everything around. Live this moment.

Spread love. Smile. Be thankful. Apologize, even if you are not wrong. Fight but patch up immediately. Look forward to share happiness and sorrow. Lend a shoulder whenever possible. Be there for anyone in need.

Understand that, we might never get a chance to meet our loved ones again…

Because…

It is one-unbelievably-uncertain-any-moment-ending life!

Emotions

2019-11-06T23:27:00.001-08:00

“Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed & hope to fall asleep before you fall apart” ~ William C. Hannan

Sometimes we want to giggle and laugh…

Sometimes we want to wink and tease…

Sometimes we want is to lay there and do nothing…

Sometimes we want to run away somewhere…

Sometimes we just want to scream at the top of our voice, silently…

Sometimes we want to laugh it out…

Sometimes we want to get over it, in few tears…

Sometimes we want to suppress and behave as though nothing happened…

Sometimes we want to fight for ours…

Sometimes we just let go of it, as though, it was never ours…

Sometimes we cling to it and shudder within…

Emotions are ours. It is only ours. It is true and so natural. It is what which is alive.

Emotions are what make us humans. Something without emotions is a synonym for non-living. I read somewhere ‘Emotions make a person weak’ but it is a half-truth. Maybe our emotions, sometimes, hold us back from doing something or put us into a confusing state but we must also comprehend that these same emotions often assist us in finding a better solution.

Being emotional is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is a natural, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for being alive and attached. Emotional people are more close to the natural unadulterated us. They have intuitions and can sense them too. Their gut-feel is strong and precise. It is a voice from within, which actually speaks not for being heard but to be felt. It is can be audible enough for the owner to be distracted. It is mostly the answer for the problem, which the brain and heart are still figuring out.

Emotions need not wither our inner strength; it can shed the unwanted wrappers glued around our core and bring to light the original us. It can lighten us; enlighten us. It is what is natural to us. When emotions, over power us, it when we need to channel them. We need not suppress them; if done it will outburst with greater clumsiness. Never hesitate to show emotions but never forget to channel them.

Because…

Emotions are what, that are natural…

Emotions are what, that mark us alive…

My confession

2019-10-22T06:11:00.001-07:00

My confession:

Learnings are a part of our life. They get in us something that we did not possess till-date, be it good or bad. They tune us and make us something new. Last 24 months of my life have got in me, most desperately necessary changes, which I ought to carry throughout my life. Brand new learnings from few special ones.

I was not at all sure!

What is life? What life could be? What should I do with it?

How I am supposed to respond to life? Should I do something about it?

I was very emotionally fragile and confused. I remained in my teens mentally, even after entering my 30s. I was crude, unprocessed, un-molded, and un-groomed; as someone who cannot continue live as the same as they grow, either professionally or actually. I considered being the same, the best what I could do for myself.

Zina Harrington, the founder of ‘UnBusy’ movement quotes frequently: “Ditch Stuff. Live Life.”

She propagates three rules for better life.

1. Changing our relationship with LIFE.

2. Changing our relationship with STUFF.

3. Changing our relationship with MONEY and its source.

Point 2 and 3 were never points of concern for me. I had always been following minimalism not actually knowing what it meant when it came to STUFF. Money, not a great concern again; I was neither attached nor detached. I was at norm. However, my problem was my relationship with LIFE.

Ufff…

Looking back, it seems like a great roller coaster.

Life by itself is very uncertain, my clumsiness with it complicated it further, and it sat right in front of me as moron. It was neither easy nor great. It was neither interesting nor acceptable. Day in and out, I pushed myself through the bland and monotonous life schedule which ditched me to boredom further. It felt like I was too busy every minute but every night used to close down on me with more void. I had dived so deeper into incompleteness, trying to be what I could never be. I missed what I had to see, messed it all up. I forgot to laugh and live.

When I was trying to understand my relationship with life, the second part of the third rule broke further. I indeed started losing track of what I have to do at work and once I lost the pace, I never could speed back to be at par with my mates. It further hitched me to clumsiness and the professional fall became steeper.

Zina insists on great friends at work especially for women.
“Every woman needs at least one friend whom they can talk with for hours, yet when parting ways, there’s still so much to say!” she writes. Fingers crossed, I think, I am three times lucky.

I have always had / made good friends and bonding was never a hiccup, since my childhood. Breaking the ice was an easy task for me and then on, it went as a cakewalk. Now, as in, in my early thirties, the rush was volatile and fluctuating strangely. I was longing for a bond but not continue or survive it. It felt very necessary sometimes and very unnecessary otherwise. I wanted to be pampered but was not able to accept it. I became clumsy but could not a face it.

I desperately needed a godfather.

I needed emotional support, carrier guidance and a friendly shoulder to lean upon and forget my aging.

This was when I found one attractive charisma at work. It was very inviting to be a part of the glow and indeed interesting to be a part of the positive aura. We bonded very quickly.

There came another positive figure into the limelight that the ‘attractive charisma’ pointed to. The ‘Positive figure’ never showed the pressure on its shoulders to the world that it ruled.

Then, there came in another cool buddy, who had already started marching towards most IT people’s dream. He strived hard for his dream and kept the trend’s pace on its heels.

Three people. SG, AR and J.

Thanks guys! For turning me into what I am today.

You are the source of my positivity and the reason behind my smile. You taught me what it is to live and not just count days. You shouldered when I needed the grip and let me free when I needed the space. You tamed me and made me ready for the next phase of my life and career. You have cultivated in me good things that I never possessed. You made me see what all good I had and to love my family and my love, unconditionally. You made me smile and accept well than what I used to. Your guidance and suggestions always worked wonders in my case.

@J, thanks for accepting me into your family and for your career guidance and life suggestions. You and R are always welcomed at our home.

@AR, thanks buddy. Things you have done, they mean a lot. You will be missed way too much. Especially on skype.

Last but not the least,

@SG, all that I am, is owed at your feet.

Will miss you all!

Lots of luv,
Hema

Be Happy!

2019-09-25T02:17:00.001-07:00

How does it feel?

- When you are doing a series of activities like what a robot does?

- When you adhere to the expected timelines and complete work on time?

- When you flunk in an easy paper?

- When you go on a most expected movie date?

- When you finish feeding your kid earlier than usual?

- When you read your favorite book during me-time?

- When you shop for your loved ones?

- When you get drenched in rain?

- When you click a beautiful shot?

- When you wake up middle of the night for no reason?

- When you stamp on an insect unknowingly?

- When you are not able to cope up with the toddler tantrum?

- When you miss someone?

Aren’t the above a mixture of emotions?
However, why do we feel so?
Have you ever thought why do we feel so?

Why does it have to hurt to flunk in an easy paper?

Why does it have to feel happy to finish work on time?

Are you actually happy that you finished, as it was expected or did the finish, actually make you happy?

Why does it feel grave to not being able to handle tantrums?

After a few years, why does it become tolerable and after a few more years, why do the memories feel good?

Are the memories supposed to change from intolerable to memorable? Is it what is expected?

Does it feel good because, it met its expectations?

Does meeting expectations always feel good?

If yes, why doesn’t it feel good to keep up with managerial pokes intrusions at work place?

If no, then why do we try to meet others’ expectations and why do we expect?

What can we do to keep ourselves happy? What not to do?

Does happiness line up with something to “do” always?

Can’t we be happy? Just “be” happy?

Why does happiness have to be a state or milestone to attain?

Why does it have to happen? Why can’t it just “be there”? Why should it come to us? Why does it have to stay / go?

Why has pursuit of happiness been a goal? Why doesn’t it happen? Why should we pursue it?

Why not be still and content? Why not be the same? Why not be happy, anyhow?

When we start realizing that happiness has nothing to do with anything that we do, and it is a state of mind, which we have to enrich and cherish, that is when we will be happy.

Happiness will grow from within and it will extend its branches and roots across, sit splendidly beautifully in your mind, and leave you less receptible to worldly haunts and taunts. It will stay within, strong.

Be happy!

I’m slowly learning that even if I react,
it won’t change anything,
it won’t make people suddenly love and respect me,
it won’t magically change their minds.
Sometimes it is better to just let things be…
let people go, don’t fight for closure,
don’t ask for explanations,
don’t chase answers and don’t expect people
to understand where you’re coming from.
I’m slowly learning that life is better lived
when you don’t center it on what’s happening around you
and center it on what’s happening inside you instead.
Work on yourself and your inner peace…

~ Rania Naim

Embrace Everyone!

2019-06-09T02:37:00.001-07:00

Every entity has 2 sections to it.

Day and Night; Good and Bad;

Bright and Dark; Black and white;

Every coin has 2 sides to it; Agreed. But does the 2 sides alone make the coin complete? Hmmm?

There is a small layer in between those two layers of the coin which also constitutes to the completeness of the coin. Between day and night, there is a time named evening which is a transition from day to night. Between good and bad, there is something called neutral. Between bright and dark, there is translucency. Between black and white, there is grey, which is a combination of both white and black. The transition layer is also natural and normal. It is an obvious but a non-prominent layer. It completes the entity giving it a final touch.

But is this important section given its due importance? In all the genres of its presence?

Trans people form a very minimum % of our society. They have kept themselves hidden from the limelight to escape the scornful tease and ubiquitous torture. They are made to believe that they are abnormal and are dirty part of human race. They are convinced that their creation was a mistake and are not gifted enough to be a part of the norm. But is it necessary to be a part of the usual-mediocre-most-group always?

Being in the scanty population is not wrong and something to be depressed about. But where did these people inherit the insecure and incomplete feeling from?

Weren’t we the ones who looked at them in a different way?

Weren’t we the ones who made them feel odd?

Weren’t we the ones who looked down at them?

Weren’t we the ones who broke their peace?

Say the society is divided into 3 sections; men, women and trans. While the first two constitute to 98%, the latter constitutes to the so minimal 2%. We are in an age which is seeing women, who constitute to almost 50% of the whole, moving out of homes to pursue their interests. But there aren’t social structures which can support their new born or kids, as we have moved out of the joint family structures.

When there is lack of amenities to assist the-50%-of-the-whole, women, what is the state of the minimal minority, the trans? They neither have social features to embrace them nor they have exposure and openings to learn from. They are being devoid of any possibility of their improvement.

They have nowhere to go and none to speak to except for their own lot. We complain that they are being harsh on themselves and handling self without esteem. We brood that they have spoiled their lives by not striving higher. Is it only their means and methods which caused them trouble?

Is it only them? Don’t we have any role to play in their lives? Didn’t we complicate their lives?

It should have been us the majority, who should have shared our openings with them and embraced them as norm. We should have eased their way out by not handling them in a weird manner.

In the contemporary society, though transgenders strive to perfection and success, the tag that they carry ‘Trans-gender’, takes them so away from the opportunities. It stops them from attaining greater heights. There are trans-genders who have taken the discomfort that we have inculcated against them, to demand money. If this continues, trans people will become the most mentally vulnerable and socially intolerable people.

We as a part of the majority, should first remove the mental obstruction which we have created over the span that trans-gender people are abnormal. We should acknowledge and respect them as norm. We should remove the negative feeling along the word transgenders. They should be endowed with greater openings and opportunities.

We should give due respect to the non-obvious but natural section of the society so that the next generations grow hand in hand with them, acknowledging them as normal human beings. Embracing all people is the only means by which we can create a happy tolerant healthy society!

Live and let live!!

இனி சாத்தியமே இல்லை...

2018-12-12T10:55:00.003-08:00

சாத்தியம் இல்லை என்று நினைத்தேன்...

முடிவில்லா அலுவல்...
முடிக்க முடியா பணிகள்...

துவந்துவிட்ட துடிப்பு...
தூக்கம் கலைக்கும் கனவு...

பிடி இன்றி திரிந்தேன்...
பணி துறக்க நினைத்தேன்..

இனி சாத்தியம் இல்லை என்று நினைத்தேன்...

பரித்தியாய் வந்தாய்...
பயம் துடைத்தாய்...
மறைந்து மறந்து விட்ட என்னை..
எனக்கே காட்டினாய்...

கண்டித்தாய்...
அறிவுரை கூறினாய்...
தோழன் ஆனாய்...
தமயனும் ஆனாய்...

சாத்தியம் இல்லை என்று நினைத்தேன்...

உரையடினாய்...
உறவாடினாய்...
உயிரினும் மேலான உணர்வு தந்தாய்...

நம்பிக்கை ஊட்டினாய்...
என்னை எனக்கே காட்டினாய்...

சாத்தியம் இல்லை என்று நினைத்தேன்...

நீ! சாத்தியம் இல்லை என்று நினைத்தேன்...

ஆனால்...

கனவிலும் நினைவிலும் உன்னை மறப்பது..
இனி சாத்தியம் இல்லை...

என்னில் கலந்த உன்னை...
பிரிப்பது...
இனி சாத்தியம் இல்லை...

இனி சாத்தியமே இல்லை...

Love you, Dear Zindagi!

2018-12-11T10:26:00.000-08:00

Life hadn’t been very great in my new career opportunity due to various reasons. Even after completing about 10 months in my current project, I did not feel comfortable about asking my doubts to anyone in the team. I thought I was over rated to be a part of this project. This project had been up and running from 2003 and have hands of more than 100 developers in my team alone! It has a well built framework, coding standards, utilities and what not. But I was not able to make the big picture out of it; neither business nor technology.

Then, there this person who is supposed to be my manager. Let us address him as AB. He is the perfect manager any higher management will want. He is technical and has managerial skills too. But the problem is when the manager part of him takes more emphasis on everyday activities. He is capable of making the person feel like a disaster just after a meeting of 5mins. End of the chat, all that you will want to do is either run away from there or sue him for what had happened then.

Facing such a “different” manager, is a person like me, who is struggling to get hold of a single strand of project knowledge. Everyday, I would end up explaining what I had done and why rather than how. When 5 minutes of his talk sufficient to stab someone’s confidence at its heart and shatter it down to pieces, I was getting regular dose of it everyday.

At one point, I had become a person who shivers at his voice and sweats like a pig. There were days when I used to fake health reasons and run away from work and hide myself in darkness, either in the washroom or in a theatre. All I would want then, was a feeling that none would see me. I ended up losing the last droplet of confidence in me, which I had struggled and built over 7yrs or career exposure. Thanks to AB!

One fine day, I decided to talk to this person in my project, who is a senior and is someone who looked approachable from day one. Let’s address him as SG. I wanted to know if I should resign immediately or wait for completion of 1 year or ask for a project release. He was the one who had taken my 1st induction and seemed to have won my trust instantly. Not sure how!

I have always liked SG without a reason from day I met him during the induction. He was charismatic and radiated positivity. He moved comfortably with everyone in the team and was techy too. He has a fresh laugh and a hint of optimism in every move of his. Ah, he was like sunshine on a gloomy day. When I was dooming with negativity, he was a literal opposite. Though we hadn’t spoken much, except for once, when I couldn’t stop myself from complimenting him while he was inducting a new joiner, I decided to talk to him about my state of mind!

I requested his time to have a conversation for which he offered to do it the following day, in the forenoon. Not knowing the impact the conversation, was going to cause, I reached work that day and was waiting for SG. He walked into the bay with utmost grace and masculinity. He was a man to be wowed at for everything in him, I thought. Though I actually knew nothing…

He apologized for the slight delay and then suggested to move out of the tech bay. It was my 1st day in 10months to walk out of the ODC on a non business purpose!

After settling down in the food court, I opened up my mental state to him. He rendered his ears and listened to every single word of mine. He was casual and at the same time attentive to my words. I couldn’t stop myself from dumping all that was running in my mind and also a few tears. When I looked up, I could sense that, he was troubled…

What he said or suggested or advised that day is the reason why I’m still with my company. Else, I would have either resigned or moved to a different company. He not only suggested ways and means to handle AB but also counselled me about life, career and priorities.

Day in day out, I started to implement his suggestions at work and it did enhance my state. He didn’t forget to check on me regularly and made sure I was fine. He did care! He made me feel comfortable at work and more than that, he didn’t forget to inject daily dosage of optimism in me which repelled the dark poison called lack-of-confidence.

As days passed on, we became pals. We evolved from colleagues to very good friends. We could sense the rhythm of the relationship setting so well. We understood that, we did belong to the familiar feeling of being wanted and had emotional similarities in the relationship perspective. Our lives synced up so well and were able to read each's mind. We shivered a number of times trying to feel that, the journey of how the bond grew, was miraculous!

People come into your life for a reason. It could be for good; it could be impactful; it could be inspiring; it could be the need of the hour…
When all the above reasons are present… that is when life takes a 180° turn!

I’m not sure why I decided to talk to SG.
I'm not sure why AB was such a manager.
I don’t know why I liked SG from day one.
I don’t know why I chose my current company.
I don’t know why SG survived for 8+ yrs here.
I can’t understand how we sync-ed so well.
Not sure at all, how we got real comfortable with each other.

Awestruck!!!

Life is a surely, a series of mysteries. One instance leads to another and it opens up doors to various experiences. Every experience leaves an impact and they teach and help us in evolving. We never know why something happens until we understand that it was a by-product of something else of the past or a prelude of something of the future...

Dear life,
Thank you is a small word for what you have given me…
What I’m now, I owe it all to you!
Looking forward to more surprises!

Yours,
Forever New Intern,
Life Institute.

Yes, This one is for you!

2017-07-04T22:34:00.001-07:00

Your absence has gone through me...
Like a thread through a needle...
But everything I do, is stitched with its color...!
~ M.S. Merwin

There were days when I had felt so lonely..
Days when I longed to feel wanted.. Days when I hid myself from the world around..
Days when I run away from my duties.. Days when I opted out of my opportunities..
Days when days seemed longer and nights never ending..
Times when a couple close by would trigger a sense of jealousy..
Times when the sight of a pair would shoot up my temper..
Gang of friends making me feel hopeless..
Bonds creating a feeling of insecurity..

Hours, Minutes and seconds counting endlessly..

Gone are those days when I longed for your messages and calls.. Gone are those days when we used to chat and talk endlessly.
Now it feels weird when I have to talk or communicate with you...

Gone are those days when I used to find silly reasons to spend time with you.. Gone are those days when I used to save every penny to buy you a gift.
Now meeting you is a difficult task.. Then comes gifting, which is out of the option...

There were times when every second used to matter, as it corresponded with something to do with you.
There were times when every transit option used to matter, as it dealt with the time I spent with you.

There were times when I used to fight for a single non compliance, in anything; from replying to a message to being on time to buying gifts to viewing e-cards.
Now I'm thinking if I actually have to text you, remind you to view my card or even wait for my text's response.

There were times when I mishandled your heart, hurt it, stranded it with my words and thawed it with my temper. But they don't mean that I'm devaluing you and your presence is not needed..
Just that I am a human myself and I have my own mental hills, ridges and valleys...

I want to confess that,
Your absence is felt deeply and your presence is wanted...
Your voice is missed and your memories are relived...

I'm not in a state of mind to argue to prove myself or accept my flaws or pledge a forever bond and beyond.

I have my points and you would have yours!
I have my hiccups and you have yours!
I have my constraints and you have yours!
I have my expectations and you have yours!

But can't we mend beyond this crack?

I might not be the best person to maintain a relationship with but I think I'm not the worst.. I'm sure!
Am I? You have to tell me that!

I don't even know the impact of few incidents. I cannot count the number of hearts I have hurt.
But now, I'm lost. I'm trying to find a ray of hope in the forever darkness I'm submerged in.

Can you find me, please?

Last but not the least, I have only one thing to say..
.
.
.
To all the past relationships that I have lost..
.
.
.
I'm sorry! Please come back!

The Puzzled Waking!

2017-05-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

Beep. Beep. Beep. I tossed my I-phone (?) on my never-seen-before bed (?).

I breathed heavily. Beads of sweat appeared right above my lips and eyebrows. I was angry. Too angry to be pacified. I was not ready to be consoled. I walked up and down my corridor which was now long and tidy. (?)

Deepan and I were married (?) for three years now and Ram had come into our life too quick. We were still trying to understand each other when Ram happened. ‘Really?’

Deepan worked for CMRL as a security Engineer and had returned from IRAQ after his training (?). We had met each other in the CMRL customer care. He was the one who helped me find my lost card.

Last few weeks were busy and we could not spend quality time with each other. Today being his birthday (?) I had asked him to turn up home (at Winner Constructions, Ayodhya?) early so that I could make him some special dinner.

He had not picked my calls, responded to my mails and even rejected my video call on WhatsApp.

Time was quarter past 8 and Anusha was busy working from my hall. ‘Why is she here?’

Tanvi walked out of the kitchen and handed me a plate of Dhal-Chawal.
‘Dhal for dinner?’

I ate my dinner in silence and Ram was nowhere to see. I thought if Ram was already fed and in bed. My mobile rang and I saw that it was my husband (?).

“Husband Calling…” I answered the call.

“Ji. Naaliku enaku lunch kondu varaatheenga. I’m dieting.”

It sounded like Prashanth. Weird… I thought.

I put my Samsung phone (?) besides me and sat in silence.

I noticed that the apartment construction was still not complete. The walls had not been painted and even the fans and lights were not fixed. 'Seriously?'

“Husband Calling…” I answered the call again.

“I will be home in sometime. Just leaving from work.”

This time it sounded like Aman. ‘Why is he coming here?’

I decided to sleep and walked into my bedroom. I switched on the AC and laid down on my bed. I switched off the light and saw the stars and moon shine on my ceiling (?) I drifted to sleep slowly and remembered few beautiful women walking close to me to rock me to sleep (?).

“SSCREEEEEEEEECH...”

I opened my eyes saw Hari walk into the bedroom.

“Hi! Innum thoongalaya?” He inquired. I could not stabilize myself. I looked around.

Ram was sleeping peacefully next to me. The room was complete and properly painted. Tanvi and Anusha were no were to be seen. My phone was Moto-E (1st Gen) and its pouch had my metro card. I searched for “Husband” contact on my phone but could not find it. Prashanth and Aman had not called in the near past too.

It was 11:20 PM.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I finally remembered that I had laid along with Ram faking sleep, to put him to bed...
at 11:10 PM..!

Meant to be!

2017-04-21T06:20:00.000-07:00

Tears rolled down her cheeks wetting her favorite beads bracelet, that was presented by him. It trickled further down to wet the tips of her hair, which she had let free as requested by him. From there it dripped to touch the soul of mother earth...

She looked through her teary eyes across the room. The curtains swayed endlessly covering up the day light.

Few more drops of tears came down her blemish less cheeks emphasizing her pain.

He had been there for her whenever she needed him or even more. He had made himself a part of her life even though they belonged to different sections of the society.

She was a professional dance teacher and interior designer. He in turn was a college drop out and was a travel blogger. Even their first meet was too very unexpected. They had met in a railway station; while he was getting off the train, she was boarding it.Just a glance and then it sparked! He instantly walked to her asked for her number for which she didn't even hesitate for a fraction of a second!

They knew that they were meant to be! From then on,life had taken them to places but love brought them back to each other.

They spoke to their parents about each other and convinced them in few minutes; their parents knew each other through a common friend. Their marriage dates were fixed on their second family meet and it was 2 months from then. One fine day, he informed them that he was planning to join his usual group of friends for a biking trip to Leh and Ladakh for which the family instantly refused. When he came to her, she was confused. But when he held her hands and assured that he would be back in ten days, she couldn't atop herself from letting him go!

Today was the 13th day and there had been no information from him for the past 2 days.
She wasn't very worried until she saw the news about a massive landslide in Leh.. The world came crashing on her and she blacked out.

Few hours later, when she opened her eyes,

All that she wanted to see was him;
All that she wanted to hear was his voice;
All that she wanted to sense was his touch!

But alas in vain!

She had spent the last 3 hours crying her lungs out in deadly silence.Slowly and steadily she sensed her senses fade away..

As she dozed off to the eternal sleep, the figure of him slowly and gracefully riding through the snow as it engulfs him completely, screened vaguely in her fading vision!

The Quiet Lesson

2017-01-12T02:03:00.000-08:00

Triiiiiiiiing… 5:30 AM
- My alarm rang to wake me, but I was already wide awake.

I hadn’t slept a bit the previous night. My son, Ram had been unwell in the past week; he had suffered from bacterial infection which caused him 3 full days of extreme temperature and sore throat. He had not had solids for 4 days and his sleep cycle had changed terribly. Frequent coughs made it worse. Being a light sleeper, made it difficult for me too.

I looked around; it was an early Saturday morning. But I wasn’t sleepy at all. I walked towards the balcony to have a glimpse of the sunrise. There was hardly any hint of it. So, I crawled back into the bed next to my son. The other side my husband was fast asleep; my in-laws were as sleep too.

I tossed and turned in my bed but made sure my restlessness didn’t disturb my bed mates.

‘Should I watch the sunrise from the terrace?’ I asked myself. 75% of me said, ‘Go to bed. You hadn’t slept at all.’ 25% of me said ‘May be yes!’

I crawled out of my bed; brushed my teeth; gulped down a glass of water and walked to the terrace. Sun had started giving out its first traces. I did a bit of stretching, bending and twisting exercises. The morning air blew upon my face making me unsteady. I closed my eyes and breathed in the fresh air.

Things started flowing down.

What am I doing to myself?
Where is my life heading?
What about my future?
What is happening now?
Am I making a good time of my life?
Am I wasting it all?
Is my life worth?
Am making the utmost of my life?
Why am I here?

Questions started pouring down.

I couldn’t stand the heaviness of the flow and opened my eyes. Tears started rolling down my eyes. I recapped.

I had been suffering from PCOS, a very common syndrome in the current working women. It caused many complications, a few including irregular, painful, heavy periods, delayed pregnancy, hair growth in face, weight gain, hormonal imbalance etc. I’m a victim of all of these. It had been 3 years of marriage; ours was a late-arranged marriage. So, Ram didn’t happen at ease. I had few miscarriages before him. I delivered Ram via C-Section. Amidst all the discrepancies, I had exclusively BF him for 5+ months and continue to feed him till now. Ram is 17 months old and is extremely shrewd and active.

I had let go of my likes just after marriage as I could not spare time for them. I failed to keep up my passion for music just after I delivered. I let go of my career with a reputed concern to breast feed and spend quality time with him. I joined again after a break of 3 months when his dependency on me reduced a little. I had to join a different company which was farther; the commute swallowing more than 3 hours of my day.

I let go of music, dance, trekking, cycling, night walks, books, my-time, TV, mehandi, rangoli – everything that I had been doing to keep myself away from stress. All I had been doing was… being with him.

‘But that is not wrong! That is what you are supposed to and expected to!’ the inner me argued. ‘More than anything you don’t have time for anything else. You are living with your in-laws; away from work place and you have a baby!’ the inner me further argued.

I started to feel uncomfortable. I knew that I had to do something. I had to change something. I wasn’t doing it right and I wasn’t doing enough. I was not making the best of myself and time. I had to change.

The sun was rising. I saw it fighting through the plunge of darkness with its every single ray, with its utmost might.

I had to fight. Fight against the monotonous schedule that was boring me.

I made up my mind to catch up on all my left-overs. I promised to recover myself from my own stress. I promised to create time for myself. I promised to do better time management. I promised to bring back life into my life. I promised to soothe myself with my likes and hobbies.

The sun had now risen gracefully amidst the clouds radiating its first ray of heat and light. From there there was no stopping. It rose above all the clouds – bright and majestic and brought into life, everything that looked stale and lifeless till now. It had fought meticulously to be up there.

Though it felt absolutely impossible in the beginning things did fall in place, as time flew.

Thank you!! I smiled back at the sun, thanking it for the quiet lesson.

Next time, Be sure to be sued

2016-11-24T03:04:00.001-08:00

Time was 7:38 PM.

‘I have to start now to catch the 7:48 metro. Only then I can take the direct bus. I can see Ram in another 1 hour or so.’

I packed my bag and got ready to leave from office. This new 9 hour at work place restriction was taking a toll on me. Being a new mother, things were becoming more difficult.

When I took the lift and reached the main gate the time was already 7:42. My feet picked up speed and I started running towards the metro station, which was 7 or 8 buildings away. I was not “Bolt” for sure. I would rather say, if any athletes looked at my so called running, they would shoot me to death.

I passed few autos, few share autos, few two-wheeler and a whole lot of people, most of them staring at me. I ignored their looks and continued to “run”. I crossed a petrol bunk and from a distance could see a guy who was for sure peering at me, extensively. My feet dropped speed a little and I walked past this guy. He was still scrutinizing me.

Was something wrong?
Stupidly, I touched my face; checked whether my bindi was in place; was my dupatta in place??
Oh… so, it was this. He was staring at my b**bs.

Dear dirty gentlemen,

I'm a women. I belong to the group of people who contribute to 45% of the population. Like other women, I have b**bs. It is the same as what your mother and your sister has. Nothing different to be peered at.

I'm a new mother and I lactate. I'm a working woman and I work far from my home. I have schedules to keep and time restrictions to follow. I'm capable of running (though it would be classified as “very fast walk”) and when a woman runs some shakes do happen. Thanks to the pregnancy for all the changes in my body.

But these constraints are not going to change anything for a me. Neither the metro holds on for another minute nor does the company lets me leave early from work. I'm not a super human and I cannot go invisible. I cannot afford a private vehicle because I’m not rich. Even if I can, it would be a two wheeler. If I’m taking a ride from office, the roads do not cover up the holes for me to drive smooth without a shake. There are bumps on the road (or is it road among bumps??!!) and my body would shake even then.

So just shut your eyes and move off from my sight. Next time I see you peering at my assets, be sure to be sued!!

Yours b**bfully,
Woman

Deep down

2016-10-14T04:37:00.000-07:00

Guy: “Hey…”
Girl: “Hey Hi… How are you?”

Guy: “I am good. How about you?”
Girl: “Good too. How is your wife? And your son?”

Guy: “They are doing very fine. How about yours?”
Girl: “They are good too. And how come you are here?”

Guy: “I got transferred.”
Girl: “Oh, is it? That is great. You will get to stay with your parents!!” (And, may be…)

Guy: “True. My parents are very happy about it” (And, may be…)
Girl: “How are they?” (It was for them, that all this happened…)

Guy: “Yes. They are fine.” (All these happened only for them…)
Girl: “So, What else??” (Say something. Talk something more. I don’t want this to end…)

Guy: “You tell me.” (Please! Please! Talk something.)
Girl: “You have put on weight.” (Is it? Not sure. How else to continue?)

Guy: “You too.” (Ooops! May be I should have refused and it would extend this conversation? Oh no!!)
Girl: “Yes. I just delivered. So, it is obvious that I have put on weight.” (And?? That’s all?)

Guy: “So, then?”

He paused, took a deep breath and looked straight into her eyes. Deep enough to touch the hidden memories.

Tears rolled down; Lips curled and flattened; Eye-lids fluttered; Hands shivered; Hearts pumped to the fullest; Breaths became heavier; Stomachs churned;

They exchanged every bit of their left over love and affection. They spoon-fed each other the sweetest part of their lives till date – their memories. They conveyed that they missed each other to the moon and back. They flew back in unison to the days they lived / loved.

They conveyed that they were sorry for not holding on longer; repented for not fighting back stronger; regretted that they misjudged their love for each other.

Their eyes spoke more than what they could talk aloud.

“PAM PAAAAM PAAAAAAAM” A honking truck brought them back into the present.

Guy: “Bye. Take care.”
Girl: “You too.”

They walked past each other in opposite directions just like how life had taken them. Now there was no looking back and brooding. Nothing could be done now to set things right. Life was past those stages. They had things to do for the people who were dependent on them.

But...
.
.
.
“I will love you forever. Deep down; All for myself and no one would know. You were the love of my life and will remain to be one till my last breath.”

Yes, I’m IMPERFECT

2016-08-05T05:05:00.002-07:00

Dear Society,

Hope this letter finds you in your best state. First of all, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for making me write this; if not for you this wouldn’t have happened. May be you don't know me, as I'm one among the too many. Yes, I’m the imperfect.

I am not a great child to my parents. I have brought them lot of pain, emotionally and psychologically. I have made them sell their property for my studies. I have made them spend nights and days making me understand my curriculum. I have made them search for stuff that I had lost during the day, real expensive stuff. I have made them run to the hospital with me.

Yes, I’m imperfect.

I am not a good student. I didn’t score great in my exams. I never had a centum in maths. I have neglected many chapters during exams. I have not practiced previous year question papers. I have performed bad in many tests and failed in few. I was never the class topper. I didn’t clear my degree with distinction.

Yes, I’m imperfect.

I am not a great employee. I have skipped the accepted timelines of issues. I have crashed the servers. I have updated wrong data into the database. I have taken offs without informing. I have tailgated many times. I have not kept up with the expectations at work.

Yes, I’m imperfect.

I am not a great art student. I have skipped my art classes. I have faked practice. I have lost competitions. I have not excelled in my field. I have performed badly at stages. I have taken my teachers for granted and not respected their advice.

Yes, I’m imperfect.

I am not a good daughter in law. I do not cook like my mother in law. I do not keep up with the time always. I do not do the dishes regularly. I am not available at home all the time. I do not serve food or drink to where you are seated. I do not dress up in saree always. I dress up in night clothes even during the day. I wake up late. I don’t fold clothes every day.

Yes, I’m imperfect.

I am not a good mother. I don’t be with my child always. I did whine about breastfeeding. I complain about getting up multiple times during the night. I feel like slapping my child when his tantrums are extreme. I complain about not being able to have the ‘me’ time. I do feel bad cleaning his pee and poop. I do not do the washing of his dirty clothes with my full heart.

Yes, I’m imperfect.

I am not a good citizen. I have travelled without tickets. Not respected signals. I have littered the roads. I have skipped voting.

Yes, I’m imperfect.

I am not the beauty type. I have blemishes on my face. I have pimples and facial hair. I am not of the perfect figure. I don’t look awesome in any attire. I am shapeless.

Yes, I’m imperfect.

I am not the super type. I am not a person whom the rest of the society can look up to. I am no good. I make mistakes. I am not excellent. I don’t even know if my birth is worth. Yes, I accept it. But I am striving hard to improve. The intention to improve is burning in my nerves. I am trying hard and working my ass off. Yes, I am putting in my heart and soul and what not to what I am doing. Value me for who I’m. Don’t degrade me for who I’m not.

More than anything, I am who I am and I have my own milestones. Do not rate me with your scale. I am running my race. Don’t expect me to run yours. You never know what I undergo/went. As science explains, what you see is just the tip of the ice berg; 98% in invisible. Just because it is not seen doesn’t mean it isn’t there! Beware!

Thanks in advance for your understanding.
(I know that you didn’t and you won’t as you don’t want to!)

Yours sincerely,
The IMPERFECTIONIST!!

Movies

2016-04-22T05:10:00.004-07:00

In the past few days, I got to watch a few movies, which was much unexpected though. Thanks to my mother and my in-laws for making it possible by their own ways. (My in-laws are out of town; I’m at my mother’s place. My mother wanted to keep her grandson with him and hence proved!). These movies did leave something in me. So, I wanted to share my views about them. This article is not a full-fledged movie review but somewhere close.

Let me begin with the movie “Martian”.

I had started watching this movie few weeks back but hadn’t finished it. The movie revolves around much of Sci-Fi stuff. Not touching it – I’m not a Science person. But, the hero – “Mark Watney” (MW), who was left back in Mars by his crew mistakenly, would make a statement towards the end of the movie. “Wherever I go, I’m the first. It is a strange feeling”.

I didn’t know why, this dialog pricked me. I wasn’t able to identify why the dialog felt so ‘known’. I’m not on Mars; I’m not alone; but I have had this feeling very frequently. Why so??

In the climax, Melissa (the captain of the crew) will decide to go to bring MW from his launch vehicle. She would showcase her mental picture with one statement – “I will go on and bring MW; can’t afford to lose my crew members”. It showed how much she valued her crew over herself. If every leader values his team’s growth more than his own, we might be having a better environment at work.

In the last scene, when MW trains students, what he explains in the theory of life. When we have problems, we have two choices to make; solve them or let it trouble. If you decide to live with it, it is the end. Else, take one problem; solve it; take the next and solve that too and then you reach home someday! Such a simple way of handling life. I was indeed moved by the exlpaination!

Next in the list is “Uppu karuvadu”. It is a ‘Radha mohan’ movie and it had her touch throughout.

The movie revolves around 3 youngsters who aim to flourish in the cine field. One of the supporting actors is ‘Manja’. He is projected as the ‘right hand’ of a Don + Good Man. Manja would suggest changes in the dialog, which would be a little unacceptable for the hero (the youngster who aims to be the director). At a particular scene, Manja will end up changing the entire scene. In another scene, the youngsters would misjudge his exposure to love and he would revert with a love story of his own. Scene after scene he would nail the fact that appearances are deceptive. In the climax, he would end up dominating stage over the 3 youngsters. He did leave behind his traces in the film.

Another character in the movie is ‘Uma’, who is the want-to-be-director’s friend turned lover. She is projected as a strong actor who is capable of putting her soul to acting. She becomes the heroine replacing the Don + Good Man’s daughter. But after the climax, in the ‘happily ever after’ section of the movie, the narrator would say, “Uma doesn’t act these days as she is Mrs. want-to-be-director”.

In the beginning of the movie, there would be a mention that, in spite of the fact that Uma’s mother is a supporting artist in the cine field, Uma isn’t interested in acting. But still, the narration would have been better if it was something like, “Uma doesn’t act these days, as she doesn’t like it”.
Just because a woman is married, doesn’t mean she has to give up on her dreams!

Having made that statement, next in my discussion is going to be the movie “Ki & ka” – A Balki’s movie and it has his touch all over. Kia is behind her dreams which takes her around the world. Kabir dreams of a good home and wants to follow his mother in being a great home maker. As per our Indian tradition, the roles and responsibilities are swapped between a guy and a girl. Here the girl is the bread winner of the family and the guy rules the home. Kabir also makes Kia understand that home-making is nothing less than an art and it needs great deal of patience and sacrifice to be a home maker; needs guts to become happy with the victory of somebody else. He also explains that, just because he is an IIM graduate doesn't mean that he has to pick his father's business that he doesn't like. Also, that a degree doesn't stop him from being a home-maker.

When there comes a need for more money, when the house-owner ask them to vacate, Kabir goes about calculating and making decisions to pitch in to bring in cash – just like any other home-maker would do. Kabir does stand as the most ideal husband, any career-loving woman would dream of. There is not even a bit of ego in him and he withstands all the embarrassments that are bestowed upon him by the society and even Kia herself. There were scenes which picture-perfectly portrayed the embarrassments and pricks a home-maker would undergo; be it male or a female. And in the climax, when Kia's mother speaks about how such things happen, the bread-winner's mental picture does become very clear.

This film is about reversing roles and breaking the stereo types. What Balki has portrayed in the movie is a situation towards which our society should move in the future – not about switching roles, but about choosing whatever an individual wants to do. Kia and Kabir do what they like and hence they flourish and excel in it.

All the movies that I watched, had a point to make and they were different from the usual action / romantic films. The time I spent on them, did add value to me.

Unbelievable But True!

2016-04-15T06:05:00.001-07:00

Once I boarded the bus towards office that day, I dozed off within minutes. My son and the household chores had engulfed my energy completely. As I was on fast, I couldn't munch on a snack too!

After few minutes, I opened my eyes and saw that I was already very close to where I had to get down (Actually my workplace is an hour away from my home; so deep was my nap :P). I packed my stuff and got off the bus in a hurry. But something felt odd. I crossed the road and went into my office campus. The security at the gates asked for my ID (I generally wear them when it is time to get off; but hadn't that day, as the bus stop was very close).

I put my hands in and located my ID; showed it to the security and wore it.

My instincts suggested to look for my purse. I did and it was missing!

I closed my eyes for a minute and tried to analyze if I was picked or I missed it. The bus which I traveled was very sparsely occupied and hence the possibility of a thief was unduly possible. But still, as I had dozed of very soon and deep, I wasn't pretty sure though. But, I wanted to give it a try!

I located on my phone, the MTC helpline number. (Thanks to my habit of reading the newspapers, inculcated by my mother. Few months before, there was an article about extension of MTC bus helplines to be working 24x7. I had noted down the number then.)

There were 3 numbers; two were out of order. The last one was my hope!

The call did get CONNECTED. The lady on the other side wished me goodness and inquired what was wrong.

Lady: "How can I help you?"

Me: "I missed my purse in the bus."

Lady: "Do you know the registration number of the bus?"

Me: "No"

Lady: "What bus was it?"

Me: "170L. Running from XYZ to ABC."

Lady: "OK. when did you get off the bus?"

Me: "3-4 mins before."

Lady: "OK. Where are you?"

Me: "Olympia Tech park."

Lady: "Keep your phone available. I will update the status in few mins."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The call was disconnected. Not sure, if the call was going to be fruitful. Within a minute, I received a call. The number that flashed on the screen, confirmed that it was a customer care call. I rejected it.

After a few more minutes that seemed to me like hours, I received a call and the same lady spoke.

Lady: "I'm calling from MTC helpline. We have located your purse. You can receive it from the conductor of bus 70. Go to the Tech Park stop towards Ashok pillar. The bus will reach the stop in 5-10 minutes."

Me: "...."

Lady turned angel: "Hello?" The voice sounded sweeter than honey!!

Me: "Thanks madam. Thanks a lot."

Lady turned angel: "Thank you for calling MTC helpline. Have a good day!"

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Indeed I was going to have a good day. My face was full of smile. The next instant, it struck me; I might not get the purse in its "full form". In spite of it, I eagerly awaited the arrival of my purse. A bus with the number "70" came into the bus stop. The conductor peeped out of the window and he immediately located me. I was the only one in the stop.

I looked at him with anxiety.

Conductor: "What does your purse look like?"

Me: A smile popped up on my lips. "A pink one. With a doll painted on it."

He lifted my purse. There it was!! Wow! That was unbelievable!!

Conductor turned God: "Do you have any ID?"

Me: "My SCDL ID card; in the top flap". My heart beat was raising.

He opened the purse; located the ID; scanned my face an compared it with my ID card; closed the purse and handed it over to me!

Whistle blew. Brooom. The bus moved out.

I opened the purse with extreme anxiety. Everything was at its place. All set and clean.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Miracles do happen!

Giving it back!

2016-04-01T04:31:00.000-07:00

How many of us make it a point to give it back?

Yes, we do give it back in double intensity, when it comes to abuses. But otherwise?

If we are corporate employees, we do have clubs which work for betterment of the society – The CSR clubs. But, are we being a part of it? How many times have we seen such mails and just moved them into a random folder or deleted them? If the suggested options were once in a while, often and always, 85% of the votes would fall only into the ‘ALWAYS’ category.
Are we being selfish by not giving back? To the society; to our family; to ourselves; to Mother Nature. Are we giving at all?

This state of selfishness is backed by the sense of ‘taking things for granted’. We assume that, if we don’t do, somebody else would do it for us; not understanding that fact that everyone has a part to play. Everyone holds a part of the jig-saw puzzle. When we don’t put in our piece, even if everybody else in the world has put in theirs, the puzzle would stay unfinished.

Giving back is a great thing to do. It means that we understand that we have taken something and also know the value what was taken.

When we say giving back to the society or Mother Nature, we have a path to pick. Start participating in CSR activities and contribute for the betterment of our society and Mother Nature.

What about giving back to our family?
How many times have we appreciated our mothers, wives, husbands, fathers, siblings?
How many of us took time to appreciate our kids for something that they did?
A pat, an instant ‘WOW’, an immediate hug are all gestures that can bring great changes in mindset. These gestures show that we understand their trouble and value their effort.

And…
Giving back to self??
Take a break from monotonous schedules…
Go on a long road trip…
Take a ‘sleep’ weekend…
Listen to music…
Pick up a hobby and pursue it…
And always love what you do; or do what you love!

PDA

2015-06-25T04:10:00.000-07:00

The phrase ‘Public display of affection’ has been in the bad dictionaries for quite some time now. PDA according to internet searches dealt with touching, kissing, holding hands, nuzzling etc. But, actually, affection is a gentle feeling of love or care for another person. That is all!

I recently read an article about a small boy at the Matunga railway station, Mumbai. He had been standing there at the railway station holding a 3 times bigger umbrella for a long time. A girl who was very curious about what he was up to, walked close to him. He looked at her and asked, ‘Do you need to walk somewhere?’. The girl was covered till her hip in a raincoat but still said yes. The boy opened the umbrella and walked with her till the closest bus stand. The girl was surprised and enquired why he was doing so. The boy just smiled and shrugged his shoulders. The girl further asked if he would take some money in return of the favor, but he replied saying ‘I am not doing it for money. It just feels good. If at all, I feel like, I would ask them to buy me a cup of chaai.’ The girl offered to get him a cup of tea and a few biscuits but he rejected saying that, she hadn’t used his service fully and ran away back towards the station.

Another article from the internet runs in the similar line. A guy (a muslim, who was on the fast for Ramzan) reached the main bus terminus after a long tiring travel from his office, in an overcrowded bus. It was time for him to finish the fast but had forgotten his pack of dates and water bottle at office. Thirst pricking him so hard, having no other choice, hesitantly, he walked towards the "Amma drinking water" counter and bought a bottle of water. His eyes fell on a old lady who was lying there on the platform, struck by poverty and hunger. "Can I buy you some food?" The guy asked the old lady to which she replied "Can you just get me some water? I am thirsty." This guy gave off the unopened bottle of water to her and boarded his next bus, contended, completely forgetting his fast and thirst. Just after the bus started, another guy (an unknown muslim) sat next to him saying, "As-salamu alaykum. Come on brother, let us finish our fast" and handed over to him an unopened box of dates and a new bottle of water.

There are instances when we do get the smallest favor which ends being the savior of our day.

For instance, just think of the day, when...

- You are few feet away from your bus and you listen to the conductor’s whistle. You are running to catch it but you are pretty sure that you would miss it and somebody holds the bus for you.
- You are getting off a vehicle or any public transport amidst heavy traffic and someone frees your apparel that was clinging to a nail or a projection out of the vehicle which had started moving.
- You are having trouble in standing in an overcrowded bus and someone offers you their seat assessing your discomfort.

Caring for a fellow human being is the most humane thing anyone can do. Whether you know the person or not, does not matter but showing a bit of care or courtesy would bring a great impact on your day and the other person’s as well. That simple gesture or deed could be the reason behind someone’s happiness.

I have been displayed affection publicly.

Recently, we moved into a new apartment and our home was at the third floor. I am not advised to climb too many stairs as my breath control isn’t intact. Few days before, when I got back from work, I noticed that the lift wasn’t working properly as the door wasn’t closed. A resident of the ground floor apartment understood my hesitation and swiftly barged up the stairs and closed the door so that I could take the lift.

I have displayed affection publicly.

I always see a middle aged guy, who works for the municipality when I leave to work. We share a casual glance at each other every day. One day, when I crossed him, I noticed that he had dug into the garbage and was rubbing his hands off a towel that hung from his belt. He occasionally smelled his hands; the look on his face spoke his difficulty and disgust. I suggested him to cover his hands with a plastic cover so that it wouldn’t get into his nails and kept walking. He said, it didn’t help and kept rubbing his hands and smelling them. I stood there for a few seconds, walked right back to him and offered my water can to wash his hands. He readily took the offer. The contented look that I noticed on his face stays in my memory till date.

So, Public Display of 'Affection' is good and necessary too!!

Poverty

2015-03-27T01:04:00.000-07:00

I was walking towards the bus terminus after a long exhaustive day at work.

Not that I had a colored-collar job, but being a software engineer also exhausts us; mentally. People talk about the ease of working as an IT professional; full time AC, good salary, posh environment etc. There are a lot more complications in this job which can be understood only by people who live through it.

Though there are multiple buses that go to the terminus a kilometer away from my residence, I prefer taking this bus as it goes close to my home. This bus comes once an hour and is mostly crowded. It is also an economy bus.

I was startled by a loud scream from a kid close by. I looked around and saw poverty stricken people sitting at the corner of the terminus. They were new comers to the locality. There were few male and female members, few kids and an infant. All of them looked very confused. The male members continued to talk among themselves which seemed like they were trying to decide where to go then.

The infant continued to scream at the top of its voice. It had been screaming for more than a few minutes then. But the lady who was carrying the infant seemed to be less worried. She tried patting and swaying it a few times but did not try further.

“Hello” I heard someone close speak at the top of their voice. It distracted me.

“I am waiting for the bus. I will be there in half an hour or so. Wait for me.” The lady conveyed her message and cut the call not waiting for any response. She turned around looked at me and people close by and understood that she had spoken too loud. A small smile crept up her face. There were many people at the terminus by then. Few hawkers went about selling their stuff. The dusk was approaching and sun was very mild.

It suddenly struck me that the infant had stopped screaming. I turned around to check if the lot had moved. The lady who was holding the baby had covered its face partially. I assumed that she was feeding it. After a few minutes, a slow wind scooped up dust blew and it made me turn my face again towards the side where the lady was sitting. The wind had moved the cover over the baby’s face too.

I was shocked.

The lady was holding a piece of brick to the baby mouth. Yes, brick; a piece of the one that is used in construction. The baby continued to lick and suck it as though it was very much used to it. I was so baffled. Tears pooled my eyes. I walked towards a roadside shop, got few packs of biscuits and paid for them. I also located my bus at a distance.

I walked back into the terminus, straight to the lady and lent her a pack of biscuits; my eyes stuck to the baby. I handed over the remaining packets to the kids. The lady’s eyes looked at me in pain. I could see that she was trying to convey that she wasn’t doing it on purpose. I moved away and boarded my bus.

Luckily, the bus was empty and I got a seat to rest. I just then identified that I had been shivering and pouring down with sweat, unusual for that time of the evening. Tears trickled down my cheeks and something hard rolled up to my throat. I felt so stuffed up. I had already started bothering about the baby’s next food.
.
.
.
Poverty.