Trail Blazer Ministries

Nyan Cat Sheet Music

2012-01-10T15:06:00.000-08:00

Right click "Save As" to save the music to your computer.

A De-Conversion story. (the emotional side)

2011-12-29T16:22:00.000-08:00

You ever feel like you cannot be yourself? Like God is watching you?

This was an unescapable fact of life for me. God is so real, and in order to honor him with my heart, soul, body and mind I must guard my thoughts and actions. In reality most Christians do not take this scenario to its logical, laughable conclusion. I can cite multiple examples of case studies, where if we really believed God watched us every hour of every day, knowing every thought, we'd act in a totally different manner...in fact live in a "scared shitless" state. Now Christians talk about "freedom in Christ." Yes, I've looked deep into at this and read John Eldridge's mystic way to look at God. Many believers allegorize the stories within scripture, make it their own narrative. For me, I'm waiting for that undeniable bit of evidence to hit me in face. Until then I might as well believe in the flying spaghetti monster.
So, in all the years of my growing up, I believed in God with all my heart, soul, body and mind. I struggled when I lusted, when I heard someone say the Lord's name in vain, when someone swore, when someone taught evolution and on and on and on. Being riddled with guilt in conjunction with being hyper-sensitive led me to be a very reserved "emo" child. If a girl showed interest in me, I had "to much homework." If I was invited to a party, "I'd have to play my cello." Loser. That's what I'd describe myself.
Now we jump ahead to college. My mission: find my own faith. I left out one important variable: The actual existence of God. So instead I visited 4 different campus ministries, went to 20 different churches...and left disillusioned. This left me 2 options, become an unbeliever or a cynical Calvinist. I chose the latter. Someone has to be right, and those damn atheists are just in denial. I didn't experience the Holy Spirit like so many of my Christian brothers and sisters, so now it's about doctrine. The I'm right, everyone else is wrong mentality set in. However, back to my hyper-sensitivity -- I slowly gave up my belief in Hell. I couldn't function, believing something so real...so permanent. So using conditionalist and universalist doctrine...I came to a peace in my own belief.
Now racing ahead to 7 years after college, and at the end of my marriage, I've abandoned any belief in a personal god, and am left with an "unbelief." Somehow, that is an incredible honest place to be...where I can stop pretending. Let the journey continue....

One Republic Apologize Cello sheet music

2011-11-15T17:22:00.001-08:00

Same chords over and over. As a cellist maybe you could improvise through these after the intro and before the the band ramps it up at the end. (depending on your cover band)
Cm - Fm/Ab - Eb - Bb/D

Letter to my wife. (before divorce)

2011-11-12T09:10:00.000-08:00

Dear wife,

Maybe writing you is better than talking, everytime I open my mouth I get in trouble.

First thing, I was purposely manipulated by Ron Smith. (not real name) I never saw it coming -- he started out by saying he was amazed we could even get along...we were so different. he asked about regrets, about what I want in life and what my future may look like without you. He mentioned he doesn't remember specifics, just the overall message...obviously a lie, ie the email to the pastor.

I can't even believe this church can be so backstabbing, I can never go back. I hear people ask Joe (not real name) about me because they know I see him on a regular basis. I just tell Joe, "Have them call me then."

One thing I'm working on is honesty. So, I tell the church what I don't believe, so...they make a public spectacle about my doubts...plus they talk about my affairs.

In keeping with honesty, I didn't want to break your heart. So I ordered the Tony Robbins course, maybe I could rekindle something. That all came to a crashing halt when Ron talked to you and you received the email.

I'm done defending what I've said in the past. I'm done talking-it only gets me in trouble. I'm tired of being accused of selfishness and emotionally manipulating you.

I have ZERO trust with you, and fighting at this juncture only delays the inevitable. If I don't love you like you deserve, we both may be better off.

I hope our encounters in the future are friendly. My family loves you, so I am happy you are going to my sister's wedding.

Best,

Husband

Letter to a Christian family member.

2011-11-12T09:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Sister,

Thank you for loving me despite my unbelief, my divorce and my emotional roller coaster.

You know those "emos?" I understand why they have the stereotype of wanting to "just crawl in a hole and die." They think they will save others from pain. Don't worry--even though I understand them, doesn't mean I think that extreme. :)

You mentioned that it's easy to stop lying....well, I'm doing my best lately. Even if it means admitting I have unbelief or understand I cannot love my wife like she deserves. Admitting the truth, searching the truth can hurt, maybe that is why I'm experiencing all the pain right now.

I know things will be better, they already are. I want to grow as a person who is respectable and trustworthy.

About our little text message conversation. I'm concerned about how my relationship with our family will be affected since I've walked away. First, here is what I experienced as I remember my childhood: I would stay awake worrying about our extended family and their eternal soul.

"Grandma is not a strong enough believer."

"Grandpa was afraid to die, yes he he denied Jesus but we don't know his last thoughts."

I gave up belief in hell a while ago, because it was easy to dismiss, even through Scripture. I also couldn't function emotionally if I knew 95+% of the world was going to be tormented forever.

I know dad worries about that doctrine, and I'm worried he will worry about my soul and that get's me worrying. I also wanted to use every variation of "worry" I could think of. :)

Now, I know every good thing is selfish unless the glory is given to God. (according to Christianity) I'm worried this will effect our relationship. I remember believing our extended family and fried's accomplishments or good deeds were just their "selfishness" clothed in "good works." I'm afraid I'll be viewed the same.

I just wanted to be honest with you, and I'm the same brother you've always known. You are right, time to stop the lying cycle.

Love,

Brother

Daily Prayer...for an unbeliever

2011-10-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Impersonal God which whom I've tried to personally connect with,

Please help me deal with the people whom you've chosen to connect. They think I cannot be happy otherwise. How can I convince the elect that one can be happy without connecting with you. Maybe because I never have, and any previous childhood relationship with you was purely in my head. As my pastor prays..."Help me in my unbelief." As I pray, help my family through this. I think my dad is concerned I have changed and knowing his views pertaining to his unbelieving family, I'm afraid I will never have the same relationship with him again.

Psalmist David said in Psalm 68:5-6;

5 Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—

this is God, whose dwelling is holy.6 God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Now LORD, please do not make me a "rebel." I want to believe, but I see no reason. God let my family accept me in my unbelief, so I do not feel lonely if my family rejects me.

Nyan Cat Cello Cover

2011-09-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

Here you guys go!!!

No Memory is Wasted

2011-08-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

-Jesse

I remember the way you walk

The way you smile

Your gentle kiss

Your smell

Now we are at the end

I look back and smile

I remember every memory

Pure pleasure

You have an amazing heart

And I hope you bless others

Keep moving forward

Remember His enduring love

I have failed

I am sorry

Please Forgive me

Arms Open Like The Sea

2011-08-09T06:11:00.000-07:00

by Nathan Williams

My parents said, “Be careful who you marry.” Then I came home from school broken up with Faith and my mom cried, “We wasted our money! Why did we even bother getting you a Christian education?”

We were betrothed from birth, Faith and I. That is the way of it for most people, born into a sacred tradition, a holy marriage. I guess my mother never thought about her own engagement like I did.

I can’t, mom, at least not now. Don’t you see that if I was born in India or Pakistan I would be betrothed to another? Faith always told me I was blessed to have her— I would be eternally damned without her. You and dad said the same. But then I discovered other girls saying similar things. Don’t you see the dilemma?

“I feel like I’ve lost you. Was it a professor or some friends who filled your mind with these adulteries?” she asked. “What did I do wrong as a mother? I don’t understand. I just don’t understand.”

It’s true. Faith and I were always close when I was younger. All my friendsknew her so it just felt right, felt True. Faith, with her windy white dress, always looked so pretty. Sometimes I would spend my whole lunch period reading her love letters.

Then one day, just after a marriage class, some light caught Faith in her windy white dress, for a moment her hidden hips and heavy breasts illuminated like a holy ghost. I stared too long, and was never the same. Seeing the nakedness of one woman changed the way I saw all women.

My eyes were opened. All the other women—the ones said to be ugly and evil I soon discovered were beautiful—even kind, some of them. I met Ameena with her starry glances and smile like the moon, Bodhi with her spinning wheel, Nishtha with her four arms and lotus dreams, Cressida with her Gucci glasses and polyester pumps.

It was a supermarket of enticement, each woman’s arms open like the sea. Yet they quickly informed me, with sincere psalms and smiles, shady super- natural curves, and Pandora-box secrets beneath their clothes that I was doomed if I did not marry them.

To marry a girl because I loved her and we generally got along would be so nice. But Faith—dear love—along with all the other strange and beautiful women ordain marriage a grave choice beyond what feels True, even beyond love.

Where are you God?

2011-07-03T21:42:00.000-07:00

Where are you God

I see you in nature

but fuck it, how do I really know

We are but molecules

We are just star stuff

I can reason and think

but I don't understand

This alone cannot imply faith

I remember the times where I cried out to God.

I felt comfort after...

There were times I prayed

he answered...in the positive

I read apologetic books

They affirmed my worldview

Then came post-modernism

Empiricism

utilitarianism, idealism

and every other philosophy under the sun

All is forgotten...

I read opposing views

I argued finer theological points

all-meaningless

Now I've lost the faith of my childhood...

God I cry out...how does my soul worship you?

A Michelangelo in Embryo

2011-06-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.
-Socrates

There is a scenario in Socrates life that speaks directly to me. What if....

Xantippe and Socrates had settled down and lived in a cottage with a vine growing over the portico, and two rows of hollyhocks leading from the front gate to the door; a pathway of coal-ashes lined off with broken crockery, and inside the house all sweet, clean and tidy; Socrates earning six drachmas a day carving marble, with double pay for overtime, and he handing the pay-envelope over to her each Saturday night, keeping out just enough for tobacco, and she putting a tidy sum in the Ægean Savings-Bank every month—why, what then?

Well, that would have been an end of Socrates. [1]

I'm not claiming to be the next Socrates or Michelangelo by any stretch of the imagination. But I lay down at night and full symphonies nurse me to sleep, (all original) I paint pictures with my cello as I navigate through chord progressions, it's within me. My fear in marriage is that I am "tamed." I am not longer a great artist in embryo, but a respectable man and future father.

You see, I just resigned my membership at my current church. I have to take a break. I can no longer feel right about taking communion, proclaiming vows of prayer, reciting creeds and confessions...it all feels boxed in. I will miss playing music in the church, I will miss the community; but will not miss the "closed hand" issues we all recite.

My wife and I just met our pastor for counseling, I respect him and his way of handling people. The only bone I had to pick with him was a certain statement. "Would you give up cello playing for your wife?" Okay...hold on!! Take a paintbrush away from the painter, a pen away from the poet, an instrument away from the musician and it's akin to taking the voice away from an effective communicator, the legs from an athlete, or the sense of taste and smell from a cook. I play music for a living, I know I'm not world-class; but I have aspirations. If you rip out my dreams, I am just a dried, shriveled-up shell of what I am or hope to become.

Success Magazine put out a great article. [2]

In the excerpt below, the author lists 10 question that must be answered yes too.

Are You Ready to Put Your Dream to the Test?
OK, you may be saying to yourself, I’ve got a dream. I think it’s worth pursuing. Now what? How can I know that my odds are good for achieving it? That brings us to these questions:

The Ownership Question: Is my dream really my dream?
The Clarity Question: Do I clearly see my dream?
The Reality Question: Am I depending on factors within my control to achieve my dream?
The Passion Question: Does my dream compel me to follow it?
The Pathway Question: Do I have a strategy to reach my dream?
The People Question: Have I included the people I need to realize my dream?
The Cost Question: Am I willing to pay the price for my dream?
The Tenacity Question: Am I moving closer to my dream?
The Fulfillment Question: Does working toward my dream bring satisfaction?
The Significance Question: Does my dream benefit others?

This is the struggle for an artist: we may hurt people along the way, the ones close to us. We pay the price to achieve our goals and are willing to fail.

Now, this is where I need help. I told someone recently I am a "ship tossed in the ocean." I love my wife dearly, and she admitted to me after the counseling session she is willing to explore other philosophies, change aspects of her life so we can find this "emotional connection" that has long been absent. I appreciate that, and we our best friends; I find her easy to talk to, great to do activities with, but often I find music to be my way of communication feelings of love, joy and internal struggle. In fact, I'm a terrible communicator through the medium of speech; if I could just play a musical soundtrack of my day I'd be much happier. My wife could ask, "how was your day," and I could sit down and play some rhythmic tracks exploring my underlying emotions then live-loop some melodic motifs describing conversations I had during the day then finally adding some harmony to fill in some of the complexity I experienced. Maybe I should do that one day and put it on my youtube channel. Now I have to meet my pastor later this week and "decide" to give my wife 100% or...I should divorce. I could write another post on how divorce effects the community in the negative and how I may end up. Like Socrates, I married for "discipline." It's so I could control my sex drive, it's so I could "settle down" and create art within that marriage, it's because I love her...

Footnotes:

1. "Little Journeys to the Homes of Great Philosophers" by Elbert Hubbard

http://www.web-books.com/Classics/ON/B1/B1507/01MB1507.html

2. "What is your Dream" by John C. Maxwell - Success Magazine

http://www.successmagazine.com/what-is-your-dream-/PARAMS/article/642

Counting Blue Cars

2011-05-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

I found this article very good, speaks to me in a way I haven't heard before.

Counting Blue Cars

One Republic Secrets cello sheet music

2011-05-11T22:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't seen the cello sheet music online, but the whole song is only 4 chords same order/tempo all the way through. D-F#m-Bm-G. The cellist plays an arpeggiated pattern through these chords. (check out the sheet music) Sometimes he varies the pattern some; I could explain the subtleties in more detail; but the audience will not know the difference if you are planning on incorporating the cello in the "Secrets" cover.
For the sheet music to Apologize click here.

How to use Twitter.

2011-03-30T22:31:00.000-07:00

My first username was @jesseahmann. I abandoned that due that nobody cared my name is Jesse Ahmann. Why would they? To them, I'm some random twitter user trying to sell stuff. I didn't add people, or know who to add, it was all overwhelming. Some random people started following me, then I felt honored! I connected twitter to my facebook account and I was all set. However, with twitter I wanted to promote my MLM, so I found myself deleting my FB posts so I wouldn't spam my friends. Big mistake. With twitter, no one likes spam or will click through. You will lose credibility. I changed my account to @silver__collect. This was okay, I connected with a few like minded precious metals collectors. Yet, I didn't engage very well...I just pointed them to a blog of mine on silver investing. Lame. I followed as many people as I could using a program call twitter karma to unfollow those who didn't follow back. I found this to be a good way to build followers. I still hadn't figured out the "mention" feature, and that was a travesty. With following so many people how am I going to keep track of what they are saying? Finally the new twitter came out! I found the platform to be much easier to make lists (this is key) check my mentions and see my main timeline. I changed my twitter handle to @improvcellist. This is who I am. I could finally be who I am. My followers responded well, and watched my improv videos. I talk about politics, theology and music. Since then, everyone who responds to me I put in a list. This way I keep track of those who actually care to converse on twitter and don't just spam. Hope this helps!

I am wrong and you are right!

2011-02-28T08:30:00.000-08:00

Did I just commit a logical fallicy?

Family and their perspective on Hell.

2011-02-08T10:18:00.000-08:00

My dad just said to my sister “why would you want to spend eternity with non-christians.” It seems I can get along with non-christians better than christians. “Well maybe family”...now that shows the tragic part of Christianity, they have a heart for their family; but to spend all of eternity with them? I'd rather spend eternity with many of my “unbelieving” friends just as much.

Everyone, whether Christian or non-christian...is equally deserving of “eternal” life.

I just don't fit in anymore.

What do women really think of sex??

2011-02-06T00:24:00.000-08:00

I'm just a married guy posing a question. I've heard many opinions from my guy friends, but I'd like to hear what ladies have to say. Do you enjoy sex more than the man, less? Does only good conversation turn you on, or are there other factors?

Sometimes we can't see grace...

2011-01-17T20:55:00.000-08:00

As my sister is going through brain cancer, it's hard to see "Grace." I believe grace is a state of mind, a place of rest, not just some future "Blessed Hope." Jesus came to offer us a fuller life, a life abundant. Even when all is dark around us, the glimmer of God's grace can be seen. I can express myself better through music than words. Here is what I mean.

My Sister and her beautiful words of faith.

2010-10-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

UPDATE 55
Oct 29th, 2010

Green tea. Not nearly as good a strong extra foamy vanilla latte, or a white chocolate mocha for that matter… but better FOR me right? Antioxidants? Earthy natural goodness? I can hear Portland cheering:) (Plus I’ve already had both coffee drinks today… haaaa.) HEY it’s MRI day! Anything goes on MRI day!

I’m sitting at my coffee shop of course. It’s raining. I have my normal seat by the window, a delicious crepe in my stomach, a steaming cup of GREEN TEA sitting beside my computer, and a cd in the windowsill that holds the results from my MRI today. Ooo now I’m trying to squish a fly with it!!

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Quite a while. LOTS has happened… here let’s see if I can catch you up on just a few of these things.

- I had the privilege to be a part of two births very dear to my heart. My little cousin Justus, and Linsey & Robbie’s new baby Max. It was a whirlwind – 2 babies, 2 different states, 2 days apart, BOTH all nighters! These two experiences definitely ranked in those lifetime highlight moments.

- I had my first benefit dinner here in Portland for my non-profit “Consider the Sparrow”. I was incredibly moved to have so many friends come out and show support. Seeing others moved by this vision and witnessing their first-hand generosity continuously leaves me speechless. (More on that later.)

- I was able to participate in a week-long intensive oncology massage training here at a local hospital. Awesome.

- Woohoo! I got to go take a most excellent roadtrip to Montana with the most excellent of company. Love those Bozeman summers:)

- I sold my motorcycle. Alas due to rainy days, needing to borrow storage, wanting to cut down expenses, and not feeling the greatest – my bike has found a new home. Luckily she went to a GOOD home, and will be well cherished – which makes it so much easier.

- Hmmm I have just lived through 4 months of the most challenging part of my cancer journey. Crazy huh? Not diagnosis, not treatment, not crazy breakups, not being bald or even hearing for the first time that 7 years is at the upper end of my life expectancy range. It even surprises me just saying it.

So I guess that’s what I’m going to talk about first.

Despair.

Never did I think that would be my journey. What does despair feel like? Depression I suppose. What does this sort of depression feel like? To me it feels like hopelessness, helplessness, fatigue of the heart, fatigue of the mind. It feels like fear, restlessness, anxiety, isolation. It’s feels like loss of all coping skills making every situation require HUGE amounts of energy. It’s the inability to handle crowds, but also the fear of being alone and facing the dark swirling thoughts with no one to lock eyes with and get pulled to the surface with Truth. It’s the absolute contradiction to what I know in my faith to be true through Jesus. He is my Rock. He is my Strong Tower. He is the provider of my perfect peace and my hope. He is my JOY. How does this work then, when I know all these things to be true… not just in my mind, but my heart as well? Those were the things that kept me afloat through diagnosis and treatment. Why now do they come, when I have no active tumor growth, work going well, and a cozy place to live? Why now, when I have such great things happening, and loving people all around me?!

I didn’t know either. In fact I would say I slipped into an even deeper depression with the discouragement of also feeling like a failure in my faith, not being able to grasp onto His truths. The ultimate failure – disappointing God.

With a long story squished into a short one… I found out that with my increasing seizure activity (dizzy spells – it sounds nicer:), and some new medication I had started, to try to control them – I had found myself in the deep pit of side-effects. You know, those side-effects that are RARE but they have to tell you about just in case. Yep those were mine. On my list… depression and extreme fatigue. Bummer.

Okay so what do I do with that? It certainly helped knowing there was CAUSE for these emotions that honestly made me feel crazy. It felt like someone else was living inside my body, like I didn’t even recognize myself. And that’s a very disconcerting feeling if you’ve never felt it before.

The problem was, even with knowing the cause, I couldn’t get the emotions to change. The fear, the hopelessness, the loneliness, the struggle to engage in life… they were all still there! It seems like they should just disappear when I realize they’re not real right? Yeah I thought so too.

Well, what happened next, was just life. Life kept trucking. My training at the hospital was coming up – right at the peak of my distress. I knew what was going on by then, but felt my absolute worst in terms of emotional stability, as well as physical, mental, even spiritual fatigue. I decided there was NO POSSIBLE WAY I could do the training. I couldn’t even get through a restful day at home without tears and/or a 3 hour nap. Ha! How was I supposed to handle a week-long, 8 hour/day internship, on the hospital floor surrounded by cancer, life and death, peers don’t share my faith – in fact often criticize it, AND EXPECT TO SURVIVE?? How in the world would I have anything to offer? I talked to my family about it and my mom felt very strongly that I needed to go. I just needed to try. We decided I would go the first day, and if I couldn’t handle it, I would cancel the class and just come home… but I would TRY. She decided to come down to Portland and stay with me that week – making me meals, sending me out the door with a latte, giving me someone to decompress with when I came home. Do I have an amazing mom or what?:)

I felt convicted that in going, God was asking me to be a straight shooter. To just lay it all out, not trying to cover up anything, and not trying to be something I’m wasn’t. The first day of class we were told to bring something that symbolized hope in our lives. Well if that isn’t an opportunity to be a straight shooter, I don’t know what is:) So we went around the room with various massage therapists from all over the world sharing where they found their hope. It was enough to make anyone smile. We passed around amethyst rocks, pictures, petrified mosquitoes (or was that Jurassic Park?:), shells, lockets, purple energy… you get the point:). All was very heartfelt. Then it was my turn. I took out a rock that had Jeremiah 29:11 simply inscribed in it. On one side was written, “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord…”, and the other side, “plans to give you hope and a future. What I shared with them was basically this.

“Most of you know that almost 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Ironically the past few months has been the hardest season of my cancer journey. Due to some medication side-effects involving extreme fatigue and depression, I have felt almost incapable of living life. I’m on the route for change, but it will be slow. I almost decided to drop out of this class because I knew I had absolutely nothing to offer – to you all, our patients, or for myself, in my own learning. But in this verse from the Bible God tells me that He has plans for me. He has HOPE for me in my future. Now whether my future looks like the rest of today, or this week, or this year, or many years… He has hope for me. And that’s what I’m clinging to today to be here. There’s also a verse that tells me “God’s strength is made perfect in my weaknesses.” I have no idea what in the world that’s supposed to look like, but I do know that’s what He promises. I also know that if “weak” describes any person right now, it’s me. In every aspect of my life. But somehow through that, His strength is to be made perfect. And THAT is what I’m holding onto this week. And you can know for SURE that anything good that comes of my time this week has absolutely nothing to do with me.“

I’m pretty sure I cried a little. Several people came up to me after and thanked me for sharing, which meant a lot. We had a neat group.

Fast forward a few days. My instructor approached me and asked if I minded working on someone young. She mentioned the patient might want a foot massage. I said no I didn’t mind, I actually was drawn to the younger patients. I found myself at the foot of the bed of a 25 year old girl just diagnosed with a brain tumor, heading into surgery the next day. When I found this out, my heart twisted in a knot. I was looking at myself... 3 years ago! Incredibly surreal. Upon talking to the nurse beforehand discussing this and sharing a tiny bit of my own story, she looked at me with wide-eyes and said, “You have to tell her!” The room was a bit chaotic as the family was obviously still processing this sudden discovery. The girl herself was sitting up in bed looking quite dazed. I briefly mentioned my brain tumor situation and was immediately peppered with dozens of questions. “YOU… had a brain tumor?? But you’re working? You’re alive?? What was surgery like? What kind of tumor was it? What were your symptoms? What kind of treatment did have to you do??” I answered the questions to the best of my ability but mostly kept my focus on the owner of the feet I held in my hands. We were able to lock eyes several times and quietly talk. I asked her how she was doing. She whispered a response, “Confused, scared“. She asked me, “Were you scared? How do you feel now?” Our quiet conversation, my gentle massage, our connection in the chaos, just through knowing we understood a piece of each other’s difficult journey – it was like nothing I could describe.

Every evening our class had a debriefing session and I was asked how it went with my ‘young patient’. I told them the whole story and said, “You know, I was worried I wasn’t getting the experiences everyone else seemed to be getting (exploding catheters, infections, difficult patients/families), everyone just kept asking me for hand and foot massages. Which are GREAT, but what was I learning? Well one of my hand massages that day involved a woman crying from the moment I touched her, through to the end. She had just found out her cancer had returned. She had no visitors. (I got to pray with her the 2nd day… she was a believer! We talked about how fun it will be meeting up in Heaven someday). Then I had this young patient. Who just wanted a foot massage from some random therapist but the therapist ended up being a young female with exactly the same cancer. The second day I worked with her I was able to massage her feet and talk with her right up until transport came to get her for surgery. She got wheeled out with a much more peaceful face than I had seen the day previous. I told them that THIS is the reason I do what I do. I discovered that day, that massage was my MEANS to do what I was really passionate about. To be at the bedside of people in their rawest moments – moments that perhaps I can offer encouragements into... just because of the simple fact that I have a story. The encouragement my patient received that day had nothing to do with my stellar one-of-a-kind foot massage, but it was just the fact that we had a unique bond in our similar stories – and that I was willing to be there. Weak and flimsy that I was:).” I shared all this and broke down crying... not surprising anymore;) I finally found my words to finish. A classmate grabbed my hand. Then I heard a sob, I looked up and saw my instructor looking up at the ceiling just sobbing. Then I looked around the room and saw half of my class in tears. I was shocked!

This was the class I had been so afraid of, knowing I’d be living and sharing my faith so openly. The best part was, I had adamantly told them beforehand that ANYTHING good that came of that week was all God’s doing, not mine – and then to have all that happen! And for all of them to be so moved!

His strength being made perfect in my weaknesses.

Wow. He really did mean it! It really WAS possible when steps were made in obedience and faith. This impossible concept really did suddenly come to life! For me, this has been one of the most significant faith building cornerstones in my life. When God wants to work through me, he’s not limited by my inabilities, in fact the more the better! Less of me always means more of Him. My only job is to step forward in faith, even when my emotions haven’t caught up yet… believing He IS who He says He is. This has become my little altar of remembrance for when I run up against this again. Because I will! It’s impossible and it’s miraculous but His strength really is made perfect through my weakness. Praise God.

Wow that got long:) SO… Consider the Sparrow. Well I guess you just got a taste of it. It looks exactly like I just described. Making my way through different oncology settings (hospitals, cancer clinics, hospice) to offer free massage to cancer patients. Money that has been donated to this vision supplements me with a small income allowing me to do this on a wider scale then just a couple volunteer hours per week. My hope as my energy increases is to schedule myself on a weekly basis at multiple locations. If the need arises, we will look into bringing on more therapists, but for now we do one thing at a time:)

I can’t even describe to you how this feels like a dream come true to me. I love massage, and have since the day I started, but honestly felt that when I got diagnosed with cancer, my massage days were over. To be back in my profession AND to have found a way to use it to bring encouragement into the cancer world, both physically and emotionally – it seems too good to be true. From diagnosis to today, I would have never predicted this path for myself, in a bazillion years. But honestly… honestly I wouldn’t trade it.

I know it sounds crazy to say that, but really, if through our weaknesses and inadequacies we get to experience Jesus in the most powerful way, and get to be USED by Him in the most powerful way… then sign me up for round 2! Truly. I will take my human weakness, anxiety, fearfulness, depression, fatigue, physical ailments, seizures, and perhaps even a young death by cancer… with my powerful God holding me up.

I will take that ANY day over a long, safe, agenda-driven life that depends on my strength and sanity to get me through. 1) I would be boring. 2) I would be bored. 3) I’d be missing out on the most exciting thing that we can ever experience… getting to participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that we may also share in his GLORY (Romans 8)! Getting to experience, use, be used, share, rest, be restored, be inspired, be made powerful by his STRENGTH for his GLORY…. Does it get any better than that?

I’m smiling right now. I hope you are:)

I don’t know what tomorrow’s results may bring… but let’s bring ‘em on! My human strength will always fail me, as it has very consistently over the past several months… but I have tears in my eyes looking back at how he’s met me in the most intimate ways through these struggles. We serve a good God. In the midst of a chaotic and decaying world… we serve a good, most powerful and gracious God.

Praying for you to experience Him that way too. If my experiences can encourage you on this path… these struggles are totally worth it.

Love to you:)

Christina

…………………………………………………………………………………….....

Sooo here we go. It’s tomorrow, appt day. Well this is the day we’ve been anticipating just unsure of what the timeline would be. My MRI shows changes that indicate tumor re-growth. The doctors have asked me to come get scanned again in 6 weeks instead of my normal 3 months to monitor additional changes. Depending on what they see, most likely the next will be surgery.

Funny how today’s appointment follows THIS particular update. Amazing how God works. I even wondered while writing it why God had me going to all those places. I honestly think he was preparing me, and perhaps providing an avenue for my heart to be clearly expressed for all of you, as you hear this news. That is my greatest desire.

I honestly feel okay. Things are a bit surreal right now.. but I’ve always known this day would most likely come. God has settled me in his peace. I know what this news could hold, but the truths I mentioned above still remain. God is good, God is my strong tower, my perfect peace, my ever present help in my time of need. Love Him.

I will keep you posted friends… most definitely more frequently than the pattern of the past several months:) Thank you thank you thank you for your prayers. I benefit from them every moment, and I am most certainly feeling them now.

Love to you all,

Christina

The Old Testament and Gays

2010-10-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

This week's podcast is addressing OT passages and homosexuality. It's a must listen podcast!
Click HERE to download.

Does the Holy Spirit work within us?

2010-10-18T22:33:00.000-07:00

http://www.jesseahmann.com/podcasts/Holy%20Spirit.mp3

Our First Ever Podcast!

2010-10-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

Our new podcast is located here! I'll be uploading to the Itunes store very soon.

Click this LINK to listen in itunes.

A Story Out of Memphis, TN

2010-06-16T19:41:00.000-07:00

Today I was quoted in a story published in the Memphis Commercial Appeal (TN) newspaper about a church that tossed a team out of church league softball because some of the players (in particular, the coach) are gay. The story has already generated some 800 comments online, and counting. Just about every pro and con (and everything in between) homosexual argument has been tossed out in the discussion.

Here is the story.

Collateral Murder Video...leaked military killing

2010-04-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

This is very disturbing, please end this war.

My friend Damon had this to say:
As a West Point grad and ex-Cav officer, this engagement was clearly a violation of ROE, morality, justice. It has however become more common as war is now driven by strategic intel people sitting in AC offices rather than ground combat units. It's not surprising to see aviation conducting battle this way...ground forces would not have killed these people (except for the overly hooah units or the private mercenaries working for CIA). A good friend is a ground commander there now, LTC, and his stories of the Air Force wanting to wipe out people in his AO based on the supposedly "intelligent" intelligence people's reports are shocking. He told the AF to stand down, maneuvered his men to the supposed enemy, and found them to be a couple reporters filming a group of high school kids playing stick ball (intel has targeted reporters before) and on another mission a couple of mentally disabled people playing around a culvert pipe under the road.

So that's the operational issue. The strategic issue is more important. We shouldn't be there in the first place. Our military is now a tool of empire, i.e. the CFR, which runs our government. So the American empire in conjunction with the British empire who first carved up the people of Mesopotamia and created the current mess of a country called Iraq is now just remaking their satellite state into a new version that will submit to Anglo banks/corporations, and they're creating the staging base from which to launch WWIII against the great Persian people and the powers that come to its aid. We are no longer a free republic, so soldiers who think they are defending freedom are stuck with a massive disconnect between head and heart...the head is indoctrinated in CIA fabrications and the heart knows they're just killing poor people (we were attacked by a network of billionaires.. get them...war over). The obvious rage and hatred is an evident result of that disconnect and the level of narcissism that is being pumped into soldiers far more aggressively than in the past. This is unfortunately the voice of a modern Gestapo..."sit down, shut up, affirm me, affirm my beliefs, thank me for killing poor desert people, destroying their society and taking over their country, or F yourself, I'll beat your face in." And that mentality is now on home turf directed toward what they think is the stupid pathetic masses who need to be good little subjects, not citizens, and just be happy that more than half their income is being taken from them to fuel the most powerful, most deadly, most violent empire war machine ever invented. We oppress and kill far more than King George III ever dreamed of. Madison said "freedom cannot last long in the presence of a massive standing army." Nothing could be more obvious. Freedom is gone. Bill of rights...gone. NORTHCOM is ready to get you pathetic little subjects to shut your mouths. Isn't it interesting that in the middle of the biggest "freedom" crusade in history, the most free country in history has lost it all and become a dictatorship?
Many people can't see that. I understand. Young kids should not be so compartmentalized and manipulated in a profession like "intelligence" which is completely controlled by Ivy League elite "candy asses" (Wace's term...accurate when it comes to those punks). It's a farce. Everything funnels down from CIA (Yale/Harvard frat boys) strategic priorities and propaganda. They think they know the full picture, but they're only seeing the small version of the picture his controllers have incessantly pumped into their head. That's very sad...

Helping friends, losing faith....

2010-04-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine is hurting, he has a fundamentalist background...had an affair and is now "trying to figure his shit out." Sounds like me, but no; a guy who I thought had it together has hit rock bottom. Now how to proceed, I have/am dealing with the same stuff he is dealing with. I still go to church all the time, (one of those Christians) he's what you call "of the world." Truth is, I received some very good counseling through my church, and understand the virtues of living a moral life using Christian principles. How quickly can we leave it all behind a live selfishly. Please see my other blogpost "Who do I want to be: Intellectually and Morally Stagnant, or Virtuous?" for some thoughts on my journey and why I don't follow every selfish inclination.