Windows of Opportunity Counseling Services

My Work

2025-12-24T17:02:00.000-08:00

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As a relationship therapist, I see distressed couples and families everyday. Sometimes people ask me, "How can you do that job? Isn't it depressing? How do you keep from taking all that pain and suffering home with you." It is interesting to me that people see the work that I do as difficult. Granted, it is not always easy and sometimes very sad when I here about abuse, trauma, and loss. Generally though, I like my work because I get to be with people and watch them grow, develop, and get over some of life's more difficult obstacles. Human beings are remarkable in their ability to work through difficult problems. I feel that it is a privilege to be let in and allowed to journey with individuals, couples, and families in this way. In some ways, I think I am a very well trained coach and cheerleader. I support, challenge, teach, correct, redirect, and encourage all with the goal of helping people to become all that they are.

Building a Better World

2025-12-24T17:01:00.000-08:00

border="0" />I was not sure what to call this blog. My mind has been swirling up and down and all around as I try to understand the things that seem to be happening around me. Perhaps I am idealistic, but I think building a better world starts at home with how we treat our loved ones, our neighbors, our friends, and even our enemies. I am a Christian, and Jesus encouraged us to love our enemies as ourselves. I guess that assumes that we start by loving ourselves. Maybe it means that before we can love others we really need to be able to love ourselves. I am not sure, and it has been a long time since I have studied theology.

The issue that I want to comment on is the reaction of many to the decision to allow gays and lesbians to legally marry. I know that many people have been extremely and earnestly distressed about this and have felt that it affects the integrity of family and marriage. But my opinion is that nothing can affect the integrity of family, marriage, love, and relationships but bad interactions between people within those institutions.

So, I guess I want to challenge everybody to work hard at making their relationships and marriages the best they can be rather than focusing on what others are doing. Is not that what we tell our children? "I do not care what so and so is doing. I want you to be the best you can be." As well, Jesus was very stern in regards to judging others. He said something like this, "Please (I do not think he said please), take the plank out of your eye before you try to take the speck out of another's eye. "

I think what he meant was work on yourself and your relationships and leave the judging up to God. We all have blind spots, weaknesses, and misguided opinions. I just think we would have a much better world if all the energy fighting about what we think others should be allowed to do or not to do could be spent on improving our own relationships. Ask yourself, "Do all of my loved ones know, believe, and really feel that I love and care for them?" If the answer is "no," try to find ways to make your loved ones feel special. People who feel special do amazing things.

Grief and Loss

2018-01-31T13:43:00.003-08:00

Grief and Loss

This is the first of many FB lives I hope to do. This one was on grief. I interviewed a local therapist, Angela Topcu, who has done extensive work with hospice. She has a great passion for helping those who have lost a loved one. It was great fun and I learned a lot. And I even figured out how to embed it onto my website! Check it out!

Don't Get Slimed

2018-01-22T20:03:00.000-08:00

Yup. It totally happened to me. Before I knew it I was slimed. It happened at yoga, which really threw me off. I went to a crowded yoga class, and this person would not move their mat so I could get in. I even asked the individual in question to move so I could fit in. They moved all right! In a manner that made it even more difficult for me to fit in. My very sweet and nice yoga teacher stepped in and moved her mat totally off the floor so I could practice. Unfortunately, the sliming had already taken place. I was angry and took on a foul mood.

So what the heck is being slimed anyway? My definition of being slimed, not a very technical word but you get the drift, is when you let someone else's bad energy, words, mood, attitude, or behavior totally take over your disposition and ruin your moment, your day, even your life. More clinically I think this would fall into the category of intrapersonal and interpersonal boundaries and how they intersect.

Why does this happen to us and why so fast? I believe it is a flight or fight thing. It happens when we perceive threat. I think it is because we all have internal values and boundaries from our upbringing and culture. When those values get crossed we go into protection mode. I have a strong internal value around being polite. I was taught to say please and thank you growing up. As well, I was encouraged to share. When I think someone has crossed what I perceive as appropriate, I react. I perceive rudeness and take that energy on internally. But, I have choices.

So, what can I, we, and you do about it? Well, first be aware that it happens. We sometimes let other people affect us and in some not so good ways. Second, we can also work hard to not assume the other is trying to threaten us or do us "wrong." There is no way to know what is going on with others unless we ask and they tell us. Most behaviors have an explanation. Most people have a story. Other things we can do are to talk to a buddy who understands us (I did this), or forgive the offending person for offending and yourself for reacting. Finally, we can remember, being human, we've probably slimed someone else without being aware of it.

However, if this is a chronic reactive state, you may want to look at yourself and reflect on what is making you be so reactive. Are you overworked, stressed, or feeling generally unsupported in life? Ask yourself, "Who am I and what does this reaction say about me right now?"

And importantly, if another person repeatedly acts in concrete ways that you perceive as disrespectful, you may have to decide whether or not talking to that person about the problem is warranted. Talking it out takes courage, but you'd be surprised at how healing it can be.

Happy Valentine's Day

2017-02-14T12:31:00.000-08:00

Figs and Teal tell us how to fight and how to fix it!

Forgiveness

2016-11-08T12:43:00.003-08:00

No one gets through life without being hurt by another person. We all have experienced the pain of a thoughtless remark, gossip, or lie. If you have experienced an unhappy marriage, the devastation of infidelity, or suffered physical or emotional abuse, you know what it feels like to be hurt. It is tempting to hold on to these feelings and build a wall of safety around yourself, but the best way to heal is to forgive the person who hurt you. I love this quote perhaps because it speaks to the process of forgiveness. “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” - Sam Keen, from To Love and Be Loved

What Is Forgiveness?

When you forgive another person, you no longer allow their behavior to cause you anger, pain, bitterness, or resentment. When you choose not to forgive, you make the choice to hold on to your feelings of resentment, anger, and pain.

Why Should I Forgive?

Think of forgiveness as a gift that you give to yourself. It is not something you do for the person who hurt you. It is a gift to yourself because it enables you to stop feeling painful feelings and pushing others away. Forgiveness frees you from anger and allows you to restore your ability to have close and satisfying relationships with others. Anger is a poisonous emotion that comes from being hurt. When you are consumed with anger and bitterness, it hurts you at least as much as it hurts the person who has harmed you. It is as if you are filled with poison. If these feelings are not resolved, they can begin to eat you up inside. You have two choices: to stay connected to the person who hurt you by keeping these poisonous feelings alive, or to let the feelings go and forgive the person who harmed you. When you withhold forgiveness, think about who is actually being hurt. It is more than likely that the person who is filled with anger and anxiety is you, not the other person.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiving another does not mean you will never again feel the pain or remember the thing that hurt you. The hurtful experience will be in your memory forever. By forgiving, you are not pretending the hurtful behavior never happened. It did happen. The important thing is to learn from it while letting go of the painful feelings. Forgiveness is not about right or wrong. It doesn’t mean that the person’s behavior was okay. You are not excusing their behavior or giving permission for the behavior to be repeated or continued. When you forgive another, it does not mean you wish to continue your relationship with them. This is a separate decision. You can forgive a person and live your life apart from them. Forgiveness can only take place because we have the ability to make choices. This ability is a gift that we can use it whenever we wish. We have the choice to forgive or not to forgive. No other person can force us to do either.

Steps to Forgiveness

The experience of forgiveness is a process. Since each situation is unique, it is impossible to predict how long it will take or which steps will be the most important to carry out. Here are some ideas for beginning the process:

1. Acknowledge your feelings of anger and hurt. Sometimes it seems like it might be easier to deny the feelings or push them back down, because it hurts to feel them. In the long run, denying these feelings only causes you more pain and actually prolongs the hurt.

2. Express your feelings constructively. No matter how badly you were treated or how angry you are, it is never acceptable to harm anyone else. You may need to find a neutral third party to talk to until you feel calmer toward the person who hurt you.

3. Depending on the situation, the person who hurt you may still be a danger to you, physically or emotionally. It is important to protect yourself from being harmed again.

4. At some point, you will see that you are harmed by holding on to feelings of hurt and anger. These feelings can take up space in your psyche and intrude on your sense of well-being. You may feel physically ill. This is when you will be ready to make the decision to stop hurting.

5. Be willing to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. This will help you develop compassion, which will eventually replace the feelings of anger. One helpful technique is to write a letter to yourself as if you were the other person. Use his or her words to explain the hurtful things that were done to you. This takes you out of the victim role and helps you restore your power.

6. It is not necessary to know why the hurtful behavior happened. Even if you do learn the reason, you probably won’t feel any better. Chances are, the person who harmed you isn’t sure why they did it either.

7. Think about the part you played in the situation. Don’t blame yourself; rather, forgive yourself for the role you played.

8. Recall a time when you caused harm to another person, and that person forgave you. Remember what the guilt felt like. Then, remember what you felt when the other person forgave you. You probably felt grateful and relieved. Remember how this felt and consider giving this same gift to the person who hurt you.

9. Make a list of the actions you need to forgive. Describe the specific actions that caused you harm. State what happened, as objectively as possible.

10. Make a list of the positive aspects of your relationship with the person who hurt you. There must have been something positive, or you wouldn’t have participated in it. This helps you regain some perspective and not paint the picture in completely negative terms.

11. Write a letter to the person who harmed you. This letter is for your healing; you do not need to mail it. Describe the positive aspects of the relationship and express your forgiveness for the hurtful behaviors. Express all of your feelings, both positive and negative.

12. If you have decided to end your relationship with the person you have forgiven, have a ceremony to symbolize it. You may wish to burn the letter and the list, or you may visualize some kind of ending.

13. Sometimes the person you need to forgive is you. You can begin to forgive yourself by realizing that when you made the mistake, you did not set out deliberately to hurt another person. If you had known how to make better choices, you would have. You did the best you could at the time.

14. Make the forgiveness tangible. You may choose to send the letter to the person you are forgiving or tell a trusted friend what you have done.

Once you have let go of the pain and released yourself form past hurts, you will most likely feel a greater sense of freedom and well-being. Now you are free to move on with your life without bitterness and resentment. You no longer need to look back on your past with anger.

You Can Have Excellent Listening Skills

2016-10-31T16:42:00.000-07:00

Professional counselors will tell you that one of the most important relationship skills they teach is active listening. Often people get into trouble in their relationships because they have not developed their ability to listen and communicate. However, one can learn to step out of reactivity and listen deeply and lovingly. This is a great gift to self and to family and friends.

Barriers to Effective Communication

There are some good reasons why many people are less-than-effective communicators. These are the most common reasons:

•            Lack of skill; not knowing how
•            Not taking the time to think through what one wants to say
•            Not taking the time to anticipate what another person might be thinking and feeling
•            Fear of revealing too much of oneself
•            Being afraid of another person’s anger
•            Not wanting to hurt another person’s feelings

Four Key Listening Skills

Listening skills are the building blocks of effective communication. These skills enable you to demonstrate that you are interested in what the other person has to say, as well as hearing and understanding the other person. Four key listening skills are open-ended questions, summary statements, reflective statements, and neutral questions and phrases. They are easy to learn with a little practice.

Open-ended questions begin with what, why, how do, or tell me.

These questions get the other person to open up and elaborate on the topic.
Asking these kinds of questions gets the other person involved by giving him or her a chance to tell what they think or know.
These questions are designed to encourage the other person to talk.
They are useful when the other person is silent, or reluctant to elaborate.
They are also useful in dealing with negative emotions (such as anger or fear), since they help encourage the other person to vent feelings.
Examples of open-ended questions:

“How do you feel about what she said?”
“Tell me all about this new project.”
“What do you think about the new offices?”
Summary statements sum up what you hear the other person is saying.
- A summary statement enhances the other person’s self-esteem by showing that you were listening carefully.
- It also helps you focus on facts, not emotions.
- It helps the other person clarify his or her own thinking by hearing your summary.
- Summary statements also help you deal with multiple disagreements so you can deal with them one by one.
- They help eliminate confusion by focusing on the relevant facts.
- Summary statements also help you separate the important issues from the trivial.
Examples of summary statements:

“So you’re saying you want to go to the library and the bookstore before you decide which books you need. Then you want to go over your choices with me.”
“You’re saying that you tried your best on this homework assignment, but it was beyond your control.”

Reflective statements rephrase what you heard the person say and reflect it back.
- A reflective statement is a way of demonstrating that you were listening carefully.
- It shows the other person that you take them seriously and want to understand what they are feeling.
- It helps you clarify whether you understand what the other person is saying and feeling.
Examples of reflective statements:

“You feel sad because your mother has to leave so soon after such a good visit.”
“You’re feeling upset because I was late again.”
“You sound frustrated that you won’t be able to finish the project on time.”

Neutral questions and phrases get the other person to open up and elaborate on the topic you are discussing.
- These questions are more focused than open-ended questions.
- They help the other person understand what you are interested in hearing more about.
- They further communication because they help you gain more information.
- When you ask these kinds of questions, you demonstrate to the other person that you are interested and that you are listening.
Examples of neutral questions and phrases:

“Give me some more reasons why we should buy the computer now rather than in January.”
“Tell me more about why you want to take this job.”

Try Your Hand at Using Listening Skills

Here are some common life situations where good listening skills would come in handy. Read each one and think about which of the four listening skills would help the most. Write an example of what you could say to the other person to validate his or her feelings and encourage further expression of emotion. Check your answers with those on the back page of this newsletter.
1. Your spouse returns from an important business trip. He is very quiet. When you ask him how the trip went, he shrugs his shoulders and says, “Okay.”
Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?
What could you say?
1. Your coworker says, “I really wish I didn’t have to go to that conference next week. I know I have to, but I wish I could get out of it somehow. I don’t like traveling, I hate being away from my family, and I resent having to spend time kissing up to those field people!”
Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?
1. “I wish I could just stay home and garden today,” your spouse says.
Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?
1. You are 20 minutes late to pick up your son for a soccer game. There was no way you could let him know you were going to be late. When you arrive, he opens the car door and glares at you. He growls, “I thought you’d be on time for once!”
Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?
1. Your business partner wants to stay in your present office space, which you have outgrown. You want to look for a bigger place. She says, “It makes me so nervous to make such a big commitment! And what if we don’t like it in the new place? I think we should just stay where we are.”
Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

Suggested Answers to Listening Skills Exercise

Lots of different listening skills would be effective in each of the five situations. Here are some suggested answers:
1.            Open-ended question: “Why don’t you tell me about it?”
2.            Reflective statement: “You sound frustrated and upset about having to go to the conference.”
3.            Reflective statement: “You really love gardening because it’s so relaxing.”
4.            Reflective statement: “You are really upset with me for being late, aren’t you?”
5.            Summary statement: “You’re afraid that we’ll be in over our heads and will think it’s a mistake.”

Suggested Reading
Burley-Allen, Madelyn, Listening: The Forgotten Skill (2nd edition). New York, NY: John Wiley & Sons, 1995.

Political or Election Anxiety

2016-10-10T13:16:00.000-07:00

Yeah. Unfortunately, it is a real thing. People are scared, confused, outraged, and very divided. Regardless of which party or candidate you support anxiety is up for everyone. Before the debate last night I found myself thinking, "What are they going to say? Will it upset me? Will it separate me even more from those I know who feel differently about the issues and candidates than I? Why can't we dialogue about this in a sensible manner? Oh yuck. I don't like this." I am guessing I was not alone in my thoughts and feelings. So, to address this anxiety, I am posting a blog on coping with political anxiety posted by another Emotionally Focused Therapist. Click here as it is worth a read. It is called "The Antidote to Political Yuck." I hope it helps to provide some coping strategies during this stressful time.

How to Give an Effective Apology

2016-06-02T11:07:00.002-07:00

The subject of apologies has been coming up in sessions lately. What I have been discussing with others is what makes up a true and genuine apology. How does one truly say I am sorry? What kind of apology makes an actual relationship repair? How does one acknowledge wrong doing without getting defensive? And what if the other person did something hurtful, too? In Emotionally Focused Therapy we address injuries using something called the Attachment Injury Repair Model. Dr. Gannon and Dr. Jinich discuss this model and how to apply it in ours lives on the podcast developed by Hitched. Grab a cup of coffee and click here http://www.hitchedmag.com/podcasts/Episode402.mp3 to enjoy an informative show.

Moving Beyond Grief and Loss

2015-10-21T13:46:00.000-07:00

Feeling Good: Moving beyond Grief and Loss

I lost my beloved dog Freda on August 26, 2015. She died on my lap on the way to the vet. She had not been sick for very long, just 2 days. It was sudden and shocking. I was really hit hard by the loss getting sick with a respiratory infection, which lasted for 30 days. My heart was broken. I was a bit surprised at how deeply I was affected by her loss. But loss is loss and the more we love the more we grieve. That is the risk we take when we let people and animals into our hearts. After this was posted on the day after my lovebirds 18th hatch day, he died as well. My heart was broken again on November 16, 2015!

Here are some tips to help one recovery from the sadness one feels when someone or something we are attached to goes away.

Stages of Recovery from Loss

There are some predictable stages that most people pass through after losing something or someone important. In her work on death and dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlined five stages of grieving. She observed stages in those who where actually dying but they apply to those who have lost as well.

Shock and Denial: The first reaction to loss is often the inability to feel anything. This may include feeling numb, weak, overwhelmed, anxious, not yourself, or withdrawn.

Anger: Blaming yourself or others for the loss.

Bargaining: “If you’ll just let him live, I’ll promise to go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life.”

Depression: Feeling deep sadness, disturbed sleep and eating patterns, thoughts of suicide, excessive crying.

Acceptance: Beginning to look for the lessons of the experience.

Kübler-Ross said that the grieving process involves experiencing all five stages, although not always in this order. She also said that people often cycle back and forth through a number of the stages before coming to the stage of acceptance.

Kinds of Losses

Some examples of significant losses are:

• Loss of a person or pet through death

• Divorce

• Job loss

• Loss of your good health when you are diagnosed with a disease

• Loss of a body part through accident or surgery

• Loss of an ability, such as blindness

• Loss of a friend who has moved

• Loss of everything familiar when you move away

Each kind of loss affects each person in a different way, but the recovery process usually follows Kübler-Ross’s five stages.

Recovering from Loss: Some Key Points

1. You are responsible for your own grief process. No one can tell you how to grieve, and no one will do your grieving for you. However, sharing your grief with safe others is important to the healing process. Being responsible for the process does not mean doing it all alone.

2. The grief process has a purpose. It is to help you learn to accept the reality of the loss and to learn from the experience.

3. Remind yourself that your grief will end. You will not feel like this forever. You will heal. The feelings are overwhelming at first but soon the get less intense. Grief tends to come and go in waves of emotion.

4. Take care of your health. Grief is extremely stressful, and it requires energy to manage the stress.

5. Be careful with food and drink. While it may be tempting to numb the pain with food and drink, this can lead to the additional problems of alcohol dependence and overweight. Also, numbing the pain means you are prolonging denial. This will make your grieving process longer.

6. Talk about the person who is no longer in your life. People sometimes avoid talking about the loss as a denial mechanism. However, this prolongs denial and the grieving process.

7. Take time to be alone. In the days and weeks following the loss of a loved one, there is often a flurry of activity with many visitors and phone calls. Added to the stress of your loss, this can be completely exhausting. People will understand if you don’t answer the phone for an afternoon or go to your room and close the door for a while.

Don’t make any important decisions until your life feels more balanced. It can be tempting to make some important changes right after a major loss as an effort to feel

Dependence and Relationships

2015-10-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

"Dependence is often seen as a dirty word, associated with the “needy” and the emotionally unstable. But looking into research on what really helps people become happy, successful and, importantly, independent, we may need to turn this idea on its head." Dr. Sue Johnson talks about the importance of a secure bond, which is important for all relationships. Check out this great article.

Connection: A Healing Intervention for Addiction

2015-10-04T12:41:00.002-07:00

This was the topic of my first Master's thesis way back in 1989. What I was looking into was how to help prevent children and teens from developing psychoactive substance abuse and addiction problems. The conclusion I came up with was that relationship and connection and meaning help insulate youth from chemical dependency. This article discusses the same subject and highlights similar findings.This TED talk called "Everything You Know About Addiction" is really worth listening to as it too calls us to look at relationship and meaning as interventions to substance abuse and addiction. We are bonding creatures. If we cannot bond to other humans in meaningful and fulfilling ways, we will bond to something that makes us, at least temporarily, feel okay. That something might be alcohol, gambling, or porn. It does not matter what it is as long as we can bond to it. To the left is a picture of my birds who are bonded to each other even though they are different species and sizes.

Attachment From Cradle to Beyond the Grave

2015-03-03T09:04:00.001-08:00

It is amazing to me how a sense of secure attachment can extend beyond the grave. I was lucky enough to have a mother who loved me when she was alive so much so that I feel it even in her absence. My goal for clients, and hope as a therapist, is to promote this type of feeling and attachment.

My reflection, "Listening to our handyman speak Portuguese to one of his workers or maybe Spanish with a Portuguese accent, sounds like music to my ears. It must be reminding me of the sounds and rhythmes of my mother's voice and of her lullabies when I was a baby. Portuguese was her first language and she had only been here a few years before I was born. It is strange the sense of peace I feel listening from a distance. I think, 'Don't stop talking.' I feel so soothed and calmed."

I think I must have had some kind of a pre-verbal memory as I was not close enough to hear the distinction of the words but only the muffled sing song melody of the voice. I guess like an infant might hear. I was then flooded with a very calm and peaceful feeling and a deep sense of knowing that I was loved not only by her but by God. It was very profound and spiritual, an experience I wish all could have.

My mother's birthday is the 23rd. She always seems to send me a message from beyond that she still cares for me and loves me, usually around or on her birthday. I feel blessed and so wanted to share.

St. Valentines Day

2015-02-13T19:36:00.000-08:00

I think that Valentine's Day, like other holidays, can bring up all kinds of mixed emotions. I also think there are things out there that confuse us even more about love, sex, and bonding like the Shades of Grey movie coming out tomorrow. It is nice that we can turn to sensible and researched ideas to clear out our heads. Sue Johnson's article provides an island of calm in a sea of confusion that surrounds how we think about and understand love, sex, and bonding. It is really worth a read.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-12604/the-real-secret-to-having-a-great-valentines-day-its-not-chocolate.html

Why Am I So Anxious?

2014-08-22T11:18:00.004-07:00

Every human feels anxiety on occasion; it is a part of life. All of us know what it is like to feel worry, nervousness, fear, and concern. We feel nervous when we have to give a speech, go for a job interview, or walk into our boss’s office for the annual performance appraisal. We know it’s normal to feel a surge of fear when we unexpectedly see a photo of a snake or look down from the top of a tall building. Most of us manage these kinds of anxious feelings fairly well and are able to carry on with our lives without much difficulty. These feelings don’t disrupt our lives.

But millions of people (an estimated 15% of the population) suffer from devastating and constant anxiety that severely affects their lives, sometimes resulting in living in highly restricted ways. These people experience panic attacks, phobias, extreme shyness, obsessive thoughts, and compulsive behaviors. The feeling of anxiety is a constant and dominating force that disrupts their lives. Some become prisoners in their own homes, unable to leave to work, drive, or visit the grocery store. For these people, anxiety is much more than just an occasional wave of apprehension.

Types of Anxiety Disorders

An anxiety disorder affects a person’s behavior, thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. The most common anxiety disorders include the following:

Social anxiety or social phobia is a fear of being around other people. People who suffer from this disorder always feel self-conscious around others. They have the feeling that everyone is watching them and staring at them, being critical in some way. Because the anxiety is so painful, they learn to stay away from social situations and avoid other people. Some eventually need to be alone at all times, in a room with the door closed. The feeling is pervasive and constant and even happens with people they know.

People who have social anxiety know that their thoughts and fears are not rational. They are aware that others are not actually judging or evaluating them at every moment. But this knowledge does not make the feelings disappear.

Panic disorder is a condition where a person has panic attacks without warning. According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, about 5% of the adult American population suffers from panic attacks. Some experts say that this number is actually higher, since many people experience panic attacks but never receive treatment.

Common symptoms of panic include:

•            Racing or pounding heart

•            Trembling

•            Sweaty palms

•            Feelings of terror

•            Chest pains or heaviness in the chest

•            Dizziness and lightheadedness

•            Fear of dying

•            Fear of going crazy

•            Fear of losing control

•            Feeling unable to catch one’s breath

•            Tingling in the hands, feet, legs, or arms

A panic attack typically lasts several minutes and is extremely upsetting and frightening. In some cases, panic attacks last longer than a few minutes or strike several times in a short time period.

A panic attack is often followed by feelings of depression and helplessness. Most people who have experienced panic say that the greatest fear is that the panic attack will happen again.

Many times, the person who has a panic attack doesn’t know what caused it. It seems to have come “out of the blue.” At other times, people report that they were feeling extreme stress or had encountered difficult times and weren’t surprised that they had a panic attack. Sometimes people even have nocturnal panic attacks when they are sleeping.

Generalized anxiety disorder is quite common, affecting an estimated 3 to 4% of the population. This disorder fills a person’s life with worry, anxiety, and fear. People who have this disorder are always thinking and dwelling on the “what ifs” of every situation. It feels like there is no way out of the vicious cycle of anxiety and worry. The person often becomes depressed about life and their inability to stop worrying.

People who have generalized anxiety usually do not avoid situations, and they don’t generally have panic attacks. They can become incapacitated by an inability to shut the mind off, and are overcome with feelings of worry, dread, fatigue, and a loss of interest in life. The person usually realizes these feelings are irrational, but the feelings are also very real. The person’s mood can change from day to day, or even hour to hour. Feelings of anxiety and mood swings become a pattern that severely disrupts the quality of life.

People with generalized anxiety disorder often have physical symptoms including headaches, irritability, frustration, trembling, inability to concentrate, and sleep disturbances. They may also have symptoms of social phobia and panic disorder.

Other types of anxiety disorders include:

Phobia, fearing a specific object or situation.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), a system of ritualized behaviors or obsessions that are driven by anxious thoughts.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), severe anxiety that is triggered by memories of a past traumatic experience.

Agoraphobia, disabling fear that prevents one from leaving home or another safe place.

Treatment Options

Most people who suffer from anxiety disorders begin to feel better when they receive the proper treatment. It can be difficult to identify the correct treatment, however, because each person’s anxiety is caused by a unique set of factors. It can be frustrating for the client when treatment is not immediately successful or takes longer than hoped for. Some clients feel better after a few weeks or months of treatment, while others may need a year or more. If a person has an anxiety disorder in combination with another disorder (such as alcoholism and depression), treatment is more complicated and takes longer. It is always important to have a full physical with blood work to rule out any medical conditions where anxiety may be a symptom.

While a treatment plan must be specifically designed for each individual, there are a number of standard approaches. Mental health professionals who specialize in treating anxiety most often use a combination of the following treatments. There is no single correct approach.

Cognitive Therapy

The client learns how to identify and change unproductive thought patterns by observing his or her feelings and learning to separate realistic from unrealistic thoughts. A friend of mine shared this great free interactive stress management site called myCompass. For mild anxiety disorders and mild depression it is great or as an adjunct to psychotherapy. Check it out. It is really cool.

Behavior Therapy

This treatment helps the client alter and control unwanted behavior. Systematic desensitization, a type of behavior therapy, is often used to help people with phobias and OCD. The client is exposed to anxiety-producing stimuli one small step at a time, gradually increasing his or her tolerance to situations that have produced disabling anxiety.

Relaxation Training/ Mindfulness/ Mediation

Many people with anxiety disorders benefit from self-hypnosis, guided visualization, and biofeedback. Relaxation training is often part of psychotherapy. A treatment intervention that I use is called Life Span Integration that combines visualization and relaxation is often very effective.

Medication

Antidepressant and antianxiety medications can help restore chemical imbalances that cause symptoms of anxiety. This is an effective treatment for many people, especially in combination with psychotherapy.

The treatment for an anxiety disorder depends on the severity and length of the problem. The client’s willingness to actively participate in treatment is also an important factor. When a person with panic is motivated to try new behaviors and practice new skills and techniques, he or she can learn to change the way the brain responds to familiar thoughts and feelings that have previously caused anxiety.

Managing Difficult Life Transitions

2014-07-20T11:31:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Last year I had to put my dad in a nursing home. The process was difficult but my father has transitioned well. My sister-in-law just lost her mother-in-law and she and her husband had to move her father-in-law to a skilled living facility. The process is not going as well and is filled with grief and sorrow. My other sister-in-law is fighting stage 4 breast cancer, which has moved into her lung. We are all pitching in, especially my mother-in-law, yet the process is difficult for us all. Life is a process of beginnings and endings. I think the Buddhist say the only constant is change. In both life and nature, there are times when things move slowly and don’t seem to change very much. Then, suddenly, things change quickly. Moving from August to September, the weather changes gradually at first, and then it seems that suddenly summer is over. It is the same in our lives; transitions are as natural as the changing seasons. But often, these changes are not easy to navigate.

Life transitions are challenging because they force us to let go of the familiar and face the future with a feeling of vulnerability. Most life transitions begin with a string of losses:

•            The loss of a role

•            The loss of a person

•            The loss of a place

•            The loss of your sense of where you fit in the world

Any significant loss makes most people feel fearful and anxious. Since your future may now be filled with questions, it is normal to feel afraid. We live in a culture that has taught us to be very uncomfortable with uncertainty, so we are anxious when our lives are disrupted. On the positive side, these transitions give us a chance to learn about our strengths and to explore what we really want out of life. This time of reflection can result in a sense of renewal, stability, and a new equilibrium.

A life transition can be positive or negative, planned or unexpected. Some transitions happen without warning, and they may be quite dramatic, as in cases of accidents, death, divorce, job loss, or serious illness. Other life transitions come from positive experiences such as getting married, going away to college, starting a new job, moving to a new city, or giving birth to a child. Even though events like these are usually planned and anticipated, they can be just as life-altering as the unexpected events. Whether positive or negative, life transitions cause us to leave behind the familiar and force us to adjust to new ways of living, at least temporarily. They can leave us feeling completely unprepared and we may be thrown into a personal crisis, feeling shocked, angry, sad, and withdrawn.

Examples of Life Transitions

Life transitions can include any of the following:

•            Accidents

•            Buying a house

•            Changing jobs

•            Divorce

•            Getting married

•            Having a baby

•            Leaving for college

•            Relocation

•            Retirement

•            Selling a house

•            Serious/ Chronic illness

•            Significant loss (of a person, job, pet, or anything important)

•            Starting a career

Stages of Life Transitions

Successfully moving through a life transition usually means experiencing the following stages:

1.            Experience a range of negative feelings (anger, anxiety, confusion, numbness, self-doubt).

2.            Feel a loss of self-esteem.

3.            Begin to accept the change.

4.            Acknowledge that you need to let go of the past and accept the future.

5.            Begin to feel hopeful about the future.

6.            Feel increased self-esteem.

7.            Develop an optimistic view of the future.

The process of moving through a transition does not always proceed in order, in these nice, predictable stages. People usually move through the process in different ways, often cycling back and forth among the stages.

Coping Skills

Life transitions are often difficult, but they have a positive side, too. They provide us with an opportunity to assess the direction our lives are taking. They are a chance to grow and learn. Here are some ideas that may help make the process rewarding.

Accept that change is a normal part of life. People who have this attitude seem to have the easiest time getting through life transitions. Seeing changes as negative or as experiences that must be avoided makes them more difficult to navigate and less personally productive.

Identify your values and life goals. If a person knows who they are and what they want from life, they may see the change as just another life challenge. These people are willing to take responsibility for their actions and do not blame others for the changes that come along without warning.

Learn to identify and express your feelings. While it’s normal to try to push away feelings of fear and anxiety, you will move through them more quickly if you acknowledge them. Make them real by writing them down and talking about them with trusted friends and family members. These feelings will have less power over you if you face them and express them.

Focus on the payoffs. Think about what you have learned from other life transitions. Recall the stages you went through, and identify what you gained and learned from each experience. Such transitions can provide a productive time to do some important self-exploration. They can be a chance to overcome fears and to learn to deal with uncertainty. These can be the gifts of the transition process: to learn more about yourself and what makes you happy and fulfilled.

Don’t be in a rush. When your life is disrupted, it takes time to adjust to the new reality. Expect to feel uncomfortable during a transition as you let go of old ways of doing things. Try to avoid starting new activities too soon, before you have had a chance to reflect and think about what is really best for you.

Expect to feel uncomfortable. A time of transition is confusing and disorienting. It is normal to feel insecure and anxious. These feelings are part of the process, and they will pass.

Stay sober. Using alcohol or drugs during this confusing time is not a good idea. It can only make the process more difficult.

Take good care of yourself. Transitions are very stressful, even if they are supposed to be happy times. You may not feel well enough to participate in your normal activities. Find something fun to do for yourself each day. Get plenty of rest, exercise, and eat well.

Build your support system. Seek the support of friends and family members, especially those who accept you without judging you and encourage you to express your true feelings. A time of transition is also an excellent time to seek the support of a mental health professional. He or she can guide you through the transition process in a safe and supportive environment.

Acknowledge what you are leaving behind. This is the first step to accepting the new. Think about how you respond to endings in your life: Do you generally avoid them, like the person who ducks out early on her last day on the job because she can’t bear to say good-bye? Or do you drag them out because you have such a hard time letting go? Perhaps you make light of endings, refusing to let yourself feel sad. Before you can welcome the new, you must acknowledge and let go of the old.

Keep some things consistent. When you are experiencing a significant life change, it helps to keep as much of your daily routine consistent as you can.

Accept that you may never completely understand what has happened to you. You are likely to spend a lot of time feeling confused and afraid. This makes most of us very uncomfortable. The discomfort and confusion will pass, and clarity will return.

Take one step at a time. It’s understandable to feel like your life has become unmanageable. To regain a sense of power, find one small thing you can control right now. Then break it down into small, specific, concrete steps. Write them down and post them on your computer monitor or mirror. Cross off each step as you accomplish it.

Times of life transitions offer you the chance to explore what your ideal life would look like. When things are in disarray, you can reflect on the hopes and dreams you once had but perhaps forgot about. Take this time to write about them in a journal or talk about them with a trusted friend or therapist. Now is a good time to take advantage of the fork in the road.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples

2014-07-09T10:41:00.000-07:00

EFT for Couples is a three stage nine step process that takes a couple out of their negative repetitive fights that are causing a couple distress, anguish and pain and into a new place of bonding and connection where the fights are resolvable and solutions can be found. It was created by Dr. Susan Johnson and based on research in attachment theory and emotion, as well as, on systems, humanistic, and experiential treatment models. As a model itself, it has been validated by research to help about 70% of couples achieve some long term gain.

Couples often come to therapy having had a problem and negative interaction pattern for 5 to 7 years. This is a long time to have been experiencing distress and pain. The EFT counselor is very aware of this and strives consciously and continuously to create a safe environment were both parties feel heard and affirmed. This felt sense of safety is extremely important to the work of EFT.

In stage one of EFT, the therapist works with the couple helping them identify and break the negative cycle, pattern or what Dr. Johnson calls the dance that keeps them separated and in emotional distress. During this stage of therapy, the therapist helps the couple begin to get more in touch with the underlying feelings, fears, and unmet relationship longings driving the negative dance. Experiencing these emotions and seeing their partner experience them, helps the couple to start to feel close again. Things at home start to go along more smoothly. There is a sense of calm and hope. Finally, in this stage, as de-escalation begins to take root, the individuals in the couple pair begin to see, feel, and understand that together they have created this dance of distress. Each person begins to understand more deeply the affect of his or her behavior on the other. Couple learns to work together as a team to stop the cycle.

Once the couple begins to understand the dance they do together and is able to step back and stop it or repair it when it gets going at home, they are ready for stage two of EFT. Stage two essentially involves bonding moments where the couple begins to learn how to communicate their vulnerabilities to each other in a new and non-reactive manner. They are supported by the therapist to take risks in expressing their core sense of self, in asking for the other to be there for them and in requesting understanding and acceptance. Partners take turns reaching out to each other in vulnerability and responding back with empathy creating a new sense of togetherness and secure attachment.

After the couple has finished the bonding and restructuring events of stage two, they will begin to feel more secure with each other. During stage three, they feel like a team again. The narrative of their relationship has shifted to one where the distress and conflict is understood, resolved, and just part of the story.

Sure, people still fight and sometimes even go back into their cycle. This is normal and will happen especially during times of stress. However, they are able to pull themselves out of it and be there for each other because their sense of self and experience of the relationship has changed. Because of this new ability and sense and during stage three, the focus is more practical and mostly involves consolidating gains and problem solving.

Major Depressive Disorder

2014-03-17T11:30:00.001-07:00

Ann Marie, a student, approached me about learning more about teens and depression. To consolidate her learning, we decided to put together an information video. It was fun to do, a learning process. Some symptoms to watch out for:

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
Irritability, restlessness
Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
Fatigue and decreased energy
Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
Overeating, or appetite loss
Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

Poem by one of my Yoga Teachers Kiara McBain. It is profound.

2014-01-07T20:59:00.001-08:00

Tonight I realized
life is clean and simple
a mere blank canvas on which to create
it is people that make life complicated
the mess of another
makes a mess of our own life
I wanted to swear to stay away
from broken hearts
and broken people
but the hard truth is
very few sort out their demons
very few know themselves enough to live honestly
and very few look at life as an opportunity to learn
so it is our job to love
the messy landscape of humanity
as if adoring a sunset
with all its bleeding lines
lack of definition
and gleaming imperfections

Love Sense by Dr. Susan Johnson: 14 Ways To Create The Best Relationship Of Your Life

2014-01-03T10:49:00.002-08:00

Check out this article:14 Ways To Create The Best Relationship Of Your Life. It is a great summary to this book!

Some Thoughts for the New Year

2014-01-03T10:40:00.004-08:00

"Even the most successful of us can lose our status overnight. The only things under our control, ultimately, are our attitude and the choices we can make. Gratitude—a great attitude—is essential. With that, one can adapt to nearly anything in life. It is even better than a fat bank account. So, whatever it takes to develop skill in maintaining a great attitude, that is what one should engage in, in a deep way. Make the best choices you can, and do not get overly attached to outcome. Along with that, one should associate with people who manifest the characteristics one wishes to develop. The nature of who one is, and one’s healing, occurs most easily in community, not in isolation."

~Dr. Robert Hedaya

"The three greatest predictors of happiness are optimism (the belief your behavior will eventually matter), social connection, and how we perceive stress (as a challenge or as a threat). If we want to raise happiness we need to make both mindset and behavior shifts."

~Kathy Caprin

New Year prayer sent to me by a friend. "May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover the goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending."

~Author Unknown

EFT MRI Hand Holding Study

2013-11-21T15:48:00.001-08:00

More research on Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. Principle investigators Dr. Sue Johnson and Dr. Jim Coan happy to share that the first brain scan study of EFT is now available in an Open Access Journal. EFT theorists explicitly claim that EFT affects a couple's ability to soothe difficult emotions by strengthening their attachment bond. I see this often as I work with couples taking them through the steps of Emotionally Focused Therapy. We now have some good evidence. Awesome.

Check out this YouTube.

Brain Research Points to the Importance of Social Networks

2013-10-09T12:54:00.001-07:00

Jim Coan discusses his brain research, which shows us the brain is wired for relationships. When we know someone has our back and we are not alone problems and stress seem less bad and painful events less painful. Having a buddy changes our perception! The longer we know someone and the closer we get to another the more that person becomes part of our internal working model of self. The individual self, in some ways is a myth. As Genesis says, "It is not good for humans to be alone." Wow.

Boundaries and Relationhips

2013-08-03T11:09:00.001-07:00

From the California Therapist July/ August 1990.

Currently, there is a lot of talk and discussion about attachment in relationships and less about boundaries. We used to talk about boundaries in relationships a lot. While cleaning out a drawer, I found this checklist on boundaries in relationships. I used to hand it out to people often. I still think it is relevant and that it can go hand-in-hand with attachment. My thinking is that securely attached individuals probably have fewer problems with boundaries while the insecurely attached struggle a bit more setting them. I like this checklist because it is reflective in nature.

When you give up boundaries in a relationship you:

Are unclear about your preferences
Do not notice unhappiness since enduring is your concern
Alter your behavior, plans or opinions to fit the current moods or circumstances of another (live reactively)
Do more and more for less and less
Take truth as the most recent opinion you have heard
Live hopefully while wishing and waiting
Are satisfied if you are coping and surviving
Let the other's minimal improvement maintain your stalemate
Have few hobbies because you have no attention span for self-directed activity
Make exceptions for a person for things you would not tolerate in anyone else / accept alibis
Are manipulated by flattery so that you lose objectivity
Try to create intimacy with a narcissist
Are so strongly affected by another that obsession results
Will forsake every personal limit to get sex or the promise of it
See your partner as causing your excitement
Feel hurt and victimized but not angry
Act out of compliance and compromise
Do favors that you inwardly resist (cannot say no)
Disregard intuition in favor of wishes
Allow your partner to abuse your children or friends
Mostly feel afraid and confused
Are enmeshed in a drama that is beyond your control
Are living a life that is not yours, and that seems unalterable
Commit yourself for as long as the other needs you to be committed (no bottom line)
Believe you have no right to secrets

When your boundaries are intact in a relationship:

Have a clear preferences and act upon them
Recognize when you are happy/ unhappy
Acknowledge moods and circumstances around you while you remain centered (live actively)
Do more when it gets results
Trust your own intuition while being open to other opinions
Live optimistically while co-working on change
Are only satisfied if you are thriving
Are encouraged by sincere ongoing change for the better

Have excited interest in self-enhancing hobbies and projects
Have a personal standard, albeit flexible, that applies to everyone and asks for accountability
Appreciate feedback and can distinguish it from attempts to manipulate
Relate only to partners with whom mutual love is possible
Are strongly affected by your partner's behavior and take it as information
Integrate sex so that you can enjoy it but never at the cost of your integrity
See your partner as stimulating your excitement
Let yourself feel anger, say 'ouch' and embark upon a program of change
Act out of agreement and negotiation
Only do favors you choose to do (you can say no)
Honor intuitions and distinguish them from wishes
Insist others' boundaries be as safe as your own
Mostly feel secure and clear
Are always aware of choices
Are living a life that mostly approximates what you always wanted fro yourself
Decide how, to what extent, and how long you will be committed
Protect your private matters without having to lie or be surreptitious

Forever Young: A Model Grandma

2013-07-18T14:04:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about Grandma a lot lately. I wrote this a few days ago in my gratitude journal.

Grandma died on July 5, 2013. She was 102. She would have turned 103 on September 15, 2013. None of us determines when we are born or when we die, how many breathes we will be allowed to take on this earth. Grandma got more than most.

I feel sad for now grandma is gone. She was a sweet and joyful lady. She loved her family. She loved us all. I am than forever grateful that I have know her.

She did a good thing by hosting many reunions. She blessed us all. May she rest in peace. We have many memories of good times because of her. For this I am thankful!

I posted this to my web site on July 6, 2013. It is from a few years ago. I thought I would post it here, too.

Grandma died yesterday morning. She was 102. She loved life and she loved people, especially her family.

By Evelyn Schmechtig-Cochran 2008

This is Grandma. She is ninety-seven and three-quarters years old (in this picture she is 102). Doesn't she look great? She turns 98 in September of this year. I consider myself very lucky because I inherited her when I married my husband almost 22 years ago. She enjoys good health, an active mind, and a quick wit. As far as I can tell, Grandma has never really been one to spend very much money on herself. I am sure she could but she prefers to spend her money on what she feels is the most important thing in her life. This would be her family.

Almost every two years, during the summer, Grandma hosts her entire extended family for a family reunion. We always stay in very nice upscale places usually near the ocean and on the beach. Those who attend are her children, their spouses, some siblings of spouses, her nieces, and until recently her sister. Did I forget to say that all of her grandchildren, great grandchildren and their spouses attend, too? We are a pretty big bunch. I believe that all together we total 30 people.

Grandma loves these events. She enjoys the good company of family and the always excellent food prepared by her tribe of relatives. We are so lucky to have her around this long. We are blessed by her commitment to family and her generous spirit. She is quite an amazing women having survived two husbands, all of her siblings, and I am sure many other friends and family.

For me, the benefits of inheriting such a loving grandma have been many. What I am really thankful for are these regular events. They have given me a way to get to know my extended family in a way I probably would never have been able to do. This feels like a great support to me. In my heart, I know that these people are my family and that they love me.

Thank you, Grandma. It is because of your big heart that I get to experience this great joy.