Musings, Rants, and Monologues

2011-06-10T07:19:00.001-07:00

Building A Weighted Sled

What you need: A tire, a drill, drill bits, one 1/3 or more eye bolt (along with washer), two nuts to hold the bolt in place, lots of time and energy (especially if you don't have metal drill bits).

Start with a tire (as pictured here on the left). You could use a smaller car tire, or a semi-tractor trailer tire--like the one I have pictured here. The bigger the tire the harder it will be to get the darn eye bolt in. Why have I now said that twice? Because I found it so incredibly frustrating, and other online guides on building these didn't provide any warning about the darn steel banding in the tire.

I started by trying to use a general purpose drill bit into (and through) the tire. This proved MUCH more difficult than expected. So I decided to try getting the drill bit in securely by hammering it AND then drilling. Still no luck. I was stuck for a few minutes until I decided....

...just drive a nail through the darn thing! It took a couple minutes but I got the nail through the tire. One problem though, the biggest nail I had on hand wasn't all that thick. So from there I had to use the drill bits, working my way up incrementally through eight (8) different sizes. Slow, and cautiously hammering them into and through the tire, then attaching them to the power drill. This process took about 30 minutes and produced quite a few sparks. I also got my hands pretty cut up on the metal shavings coming out of the tire. But it was worth it all.

VICTORY!!!!! After an hour of laboring methodically to break through the tire's steel wall and expands the size of the relatively small hole I created with a nail I FINALLY broke through and got the eye bolt in. At this point all the hard work has been completed. And I should say this all could have been completed in under a minute if I owned drill bits designed for metal.

Now all you have to do is put on the washer and tighten up the nut (probably some sort of bonding agent would be helpful).

Now all you have to do is loop the ends of a piece of rope 12-20 feet long back over themselves, and apply a generous amount of all weather duct tape to secure them. And there you have it, a workout sled you can drag, pull, etc. To add resistance all you need to do is cut a piece of particleboard or plywood to fit inside the tire and load it up with rocks or weight plates. Enjoy. I know I can't wait for my workout tomorrow when I will get a chance to use it.

2010-01-13T07:13:00.000-08:00

The Fall of John Edwards....

Unless you have been living under a rock for the last few days you have no doubt heard of Halperin and Heilemenns' book Game Change. Game Change, at least from the pre-release excerpts I've come across, does a good job of making almost everyone associated with the 2008 election look either incompetent, greedy, stupid, feckless, or just plain ol' horny. Perhaps the person who takes it on the chin the most is the magnificently coiffed John Edwards.

Some choice selections from a recently released excerpt:

"On the day he and Kerry conceded defeat, Edwards discovered that Elizabeth had breast cancer; a few days after that, he was on the phone with his pollster and close friend Harrison Hickman, gaming out the campaign ahead."

Instead of focusing on his fabulous John Edwards' School of Macho Metrosexual Manliness the would-be ambulance-chaser-in-chief devoted the bulk of his time to his campaign. How he was able to muster the resolve to begin his candidacy considering the pain of the break up of the two Johns is beyond me, but he is most certainly a brave man.

"but as sure as night follows day, there would be an alternative, an anti-Hillary, and he would be it."

He is most assuredly the anti-Hillary. First of all he appears much more feminine than Hillary. He wears much more make-up and probably spends at least ten times as much time and energy on his hair.

"In the Senate, in particular, Edwards was regarded almost universally by his former colleagues as a callow, shallow phony."

NO....say it ain't so! What tipped them off? The $400 hair cut? The boyish wink and nod?

"Over and over, he proclaimed to his aides, 'I am going to be the next president of the United States.'"

Egotistical much?

"Once Edwards had been warm and considerate with his staffers; now he was disdainful, ignoring them, dismissing their ideas, demanding that they perform the most menial of tasks. He made his schedulers find out what movies were available on different flights so he could decide which ones to take. He would fly only first class or on private planes he cadged from donors."

At least he didn't force his staffers to sit through both of President Obama's autobiographies in audio book format; That is a cruel and unusual punishment they don't even inflict on prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

"Even before the cancer, she was among her husband’s greatest political assets. In one focus group conducted by Hickman in Edwards’s Senate race, voters trashed him as a pretty-boy shyster—until they saw pictures of Elizabeth, four years his senior. “I like that he’s got a fat wife,” one woman said. “I thought he’d be married to a Barbie or a cheerleader.”

Gotta love the candor and honesty of the focus group. One wonders what else they might have said?

"At times subtly, at times blatantly, she was forever letting John know that she regarded him as her intellectual inferior. She called her spouse a 'hick' in front of other people and derided his parents as rednecks."

Apparently there are two Americas AND two Elizabeths.

"She routinely unleashed profanity-laced tirades on conference calls. “Why the f*ck do you think I’d want to go sit outside a Wal-Mart and hand out leaflets?” she snarled at the schedulers."

In her defense it can get pretty crowded out there between the Salvation Army bell ringers, the soup kitchens raising funds, the girl scouts selling cookies, and whoever that is who sells identity theft protection in front of my local Wal-mart. Heck, maybe she remembers that one time (I kid you not) someone sold a small pony outside my local Wal-mart. A pony! Okay it was small, but still, guess it shows that I do indeed live in the country.

"One day, she was on a conference call with the staffers of One America, the political-action committee that was being turned into a vehicle for John’s 2008 bid. There were 40 or 50 people on the line, mostly kids in their twenties being paid next to nothing (and in some cases literally nothing). Elizabeth had been cranky throughout the call, but at the end she asked if her and her husband’s personal health-care coverage had been arranged. Not yet, she was told. There are complications; let’s discuss it after the call. Elizabeth was having none of that. She flew into a rage.

If this isn’t dealt with by tomorrow, everyone’s health care at the PAC will be cut off until it’s fixed, she barked. I don’t care if nobody has health care until John and I do!"

You are worth how much? Tens of millions of dollars? OK. And you are worried about your health insurance so much that you would cancel campaign workers isnurnace even though they make more like 20-60k/year? I am thinking of a word that describes you..but it isn't very kind. You must live in that evil half of the two Americas that John Edwards is always talking about.

"We’re gonna show the world what it’s really like to be John Edwards." (Talking about himself)

Yeah, cause everyone thought it was all haircuts and ponies and ivory tooth combs. It probably involves a lot of tooth whitening procedures too.

"There was nothing legit, however, about Hunter’s behavior. It was freaky, wildly inappropriate, and all too visible. She flirted outlandishly with every man she met. She spouted New Age babble, rambled on about astrology and reincarnation, and announced to people she had just met, “I’m a witch.” But mostly, she fixated on Edwards. She told him that he had “the power to change the world,” that “the people will follow you.” She told him that he could be as great a leader as Gandhi or Martin Luther King Jr. She told him, “You’re so real. You just need to get your staff out of your way.” She reinforced everything he already believed, told him everything he wanted to hear."

This is perhaps the oddest part of the story. Seriously, imagine yourself running for president, a woman of moderate attractiveness approaches you and fills your ear with stories of her past life and her current belief that she is, indeed, a witch (not sure if she was just the nose twitching type or the the broom riding kind). She goes on to compare you to M.L.K. and Gandhi (indeed, I think I once saw Gandhi getting a hair cut at a pricey salon). Would YOU take advice from this person? I expect you would probably not, instead you might advise them to check into the closest mental health ward. I guess there is a lesson buried in there somewhere about humility but that is too sophisticated a topic for this blog.

2009-01-19T18:46:00.000-08:00

R.I.P. "Dissent is the Highest Form of Patriotism."

Democrats gathered today, on the eve of President-elect Obama's inauguration, to remember the often misattributed quote that has buoyed their spirits over the last eight years. These seven words have at times served as an excuse for incivility and at other times asa facade to cover emotional and irrational invective so exagerated as to cross over into the realm of the ridiculous. Yet, with the coronation of President Obama, there is little use for this kind of sentiment in the land of change and hope (fluffy unicorns and magical fairies are on back order, but please be patient).

So, it is with a heavy heart that I say, rest in peace "Dissent is the Highest Form of Patriotism"; long live "put aside politics"- or whatever other incarnation this general sentiment may take. I predict that the land of hope and change will prove to be very similar to the land ruled by the E-V-I-L President Bush. The same wars will continue (and in some cases escalate), the same problems of unemployment will continue or get worse, terrorism will remain a threat that perplexes those in power, and Iran and North Korea will remain a major problem whether they sit at the bargaining table or not. However, don't expect many complaints from the majority party, because it isn't about principles, it is about controlling the levers of power. How odd, the party that spent the last eight years preaching about the virtue of dissent will now spend the next four asking us all to unite and get behind the president. It would be funny if it weren't so ridiculous.

2008-05-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

Man Hires Nude Maid; Gets Cleaned Out...

The Sun Sentinel in Southern Florida published the following story about a Hillsborough County man who hired a nude maid off the Internet...you can guess where this is going, but just in case you can't:

Tampa- A nude maid cleaned up good at a Florida man's home.

The Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office says the maid stole more than $40,000 from a Cheval home despite not wearing any clothes.

The 50-year-old man hired the maid from the Internet on Friday to clean his suburban Tampa home.

Authorities say the woman arrived at the home in a one-piece, light colored dress. She took off the dress and cleaned the house for $100-per-hour.
Sheriff's office spokeswoman Debbie Carter says the man told deputies he left the maid alone in the bedroom to clean.

When the man's wife came home from vacation, she discovered $40,000 in jewelry missing from their bedroom.

Police are investigating. -[Sun-Sentinel, May 27, 2008]

It gets better. Although I rarely do this, I clicked on the comments section and found quite a few gems. Here is a top five list of comments generated by this news story

5. "She hid the booty in the booty??" - Race

4. "well i'm [sic] sure his wife was like, "clean the house while i'm [sic] gone" so he figured.... ok, the house will be clean when you get home." - Typical Man

3. " This has got to be a mistake. Everyone knows that all strippers are honest." - Random Sample

2."[W]as she armed with 2 38's or were they 45's???"- Gotta Laugh at Schmuck

And the best comment by far...

1. "''Sheriff's office spokeswoman Debbie Carter says the man told deputies he left the maid alone in the bedroom to clean.'

What kind of idiot hires a nude maid and doesn't watch?"- Melancholy Voter

The question remains, what did she look like? While I highly doubt she resembled the woman above, I have a strong guess that the following picture might capture her radiance...

2008-02-21T05:27:00.001-08:00

Campaign Finance Laws...

Why do we make something that should be so easy, so overly complicated and complex that it takes a herd of lawyers piling on the billable hours to figure the whole thing out?

Well, as usual, there is a very simple solution. How simple? I can sum it up in two points.

1) Unlimited dollar amount on donations/contributions
2) Full public disclosure of ALL donations/contributions

It is our responsibility as citizens to be aware of where our politicans get their funds. It is not the responsibility of the government to preempt our responsibility by limiting contributions out of fear that we won't be aware which candidates are backed by oil companies, pharmaceutical companies, and other traditional lobbyist groups.

Also, it should go without saying that anyone (even George Soros) should be able to buy ad time on any station willing to sell it to promote or criticize any candidate.

How about we save a few trees by eliminating the current campaign finance reform laws, drastically reduce the need for lawyers, and in the end gain back some of our lost liberties. It is a win-win-win situation.

2008-01-07T04:50:00.000-08:00

John Edwards' Man Camp: Molding Metrosexuals Since 2004

John Edwards wants YOU! John Edwards' School of Macho Metrosexual Manliness has been instructing the less fair gender in the arts of metrosexuality since 2004 with a proven track record. Admission is as cheap as a campaign contribution, and the course work takes less time to complete than a presidential campaign.

So what can John Edwards' School of Macho Metrosexual Manliness teach you? At John Edwards' School you will learn how to attack your enemies without fear of reprisal. Moreover, you will learn how to groom yourself so immaculately that even the most self-absorbed coxcomb popinjay will find you sickeningly effeminate. Intrigued? Then read on.

Your first lesson at John Edwards' School is the art of self-manipulation. Being this pretty doesn't come easy- at least not to most folks who aren't named John Edwards. That is why our school has over 100 cosmetologists on staff to instruct you in the fine arts of make-up application, hair design, and the appropriate manner in which to use hair gel. Normal men are often oblivious to these important techniques, but there is no reason for you to continue to wander in the abyss of ignorance. Sign up today and we'll include a FREE make-up mirror!

Did you know you're probably neglecting your most important tool in the climb to becoming metrosexually marvelous! Did you know that your wife is more useful as a mouthpiece, than as simply someone else you can borrow make-up from? In this sexist world men often fear to attack ladies, and if you are fortunate enough to have a wife with an important sounding disease (i.e. cancer, lupus, G.E.R.D.) who would dare say anything negative about her even if she walked up and insulted their momma?

So why not have her attack your enemies and insult your adversaries? With such a strategy you don't have to fear any reprisals and you can easily push her to the side when the time comes to hog all the glory at the podium. Take a lesson from our Chancellor and namesake John Edwards....

When our distinguished leader was vaguely referred to as a "faggot" his wife called in to confront Ann Coulter.

When our noted guru was behind in the polls to Hillary, his wife called out Hillary on her womanhood.

When Obama started gaining ground on the meticulously coifed one, it was his wife who pointed out that the novelty of race was irrelevant.

When Obama stole Edward's 2004 primary Shtick, it was Mrs. Edwards who pointed it out to the media.

And when it came time to confront the biggest name in talk radio, it was Mrs. Edwards who questioned El Rushbo's ability to hold job that requires him to sit for hours at a time when he was exempted from military service in Vietnam. (Makes perfect sense to me!)

You see, bravery gets you nowhere. Why risk messing up your hair and your public image, not to mention retaliation by your enemies, when you can simply have your wife do the hard work while you reap the electoral rewards?

Enroll today and we will include a free book entitled, "How to Win Friends and Chase Ambulances." It is your guide on how to get rich off the misery of others. The books comes with your very own replica John Edwards comb and make-up mirror. Sign up today, while supplies last!

2007-12-20T06:17:00.001-08:00

I Was Going to Post on John Edward's Man Camp but...

An excellent opportunity arose to blog on a truly important subject- feminists and their lack of any semblance of a sense of humor. How does the old joke go?

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: That's not funny!

Many feminists are so caught up in paroxysms of anguish over the patriarchy (and for some quasi-Marxist screeds about fatphobia) that they can't find humor in even the most innocuous of tongue in cheek comments.

These feminists make up a part of what I call the petty tyrants of the web. Their comment boards are a space reserved wholly unto mutual admiration and fighting against the patriarchy. Don't dare to contradict them, make an off-color comment, or disagree- for such are mortal sins. These petty tyrants come in all shapes and sizes, and from all political persuasions. However, I've noticed that the majority of these folks firmly reside on the left-wing of the political spectrum.

Not content to discuss opposing views and unable to cope with joking about such serious subjects they reflexively must both ban the opposition AND then get in the last word. Could you imagine if these folks ever attained real political power, instead of just their minuscule monopoly over the message boards and comment sections of their respective web-based fiefdoms? Creepy, I know.

So the next few posts are dedicated to all the web's left-wing dinky despots. I can make one good as gold guarantee to them. I don't ban anyone from the comments section. If I think your comments are stupid, irrational, or idiotic, I am content to let them speak for themselves. I don't feel the need to ban anyone for their comments since those who read this blog are intelligent enough to know which comments are worthless, inane, or just plain ol' dumb- I don't have to do their thinking for them. ;-)

[I was tempted to insert the phrase "rule of thumb" above since it causes feminists so much anguish, but since this is a classy blog I abstained. Ladies, feel free to thank me.]

So what is coming down the shoot next for Musings & Rants?

Bad British Teeth and Humorless Feminists.

John Edward's Man Camp: Molding Metrosexual Men since 2004.

Crafting Your Own Conspiracy: Lesson II

This time I will include plenty of material on patriarchy- lest the feminists get mad that I left them out of my last posting on conspiracy theories.

And for all the feminists who wandered in, here are some posts guaranteed to make you angry. Be sure to take out your rage on the nearest representative of the evil male-o-cracy.

The Sexy Women of Code Pink

The "Happiest" Debate Ever

Bush Derangement Syndrome

2007-10-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

The Sexy Women of Code Pink

As I was walking through the park the other day I came across this lovely specimen of womanhood. Was she taking a rest from her daily jog? Taking in some rays from the noon-day sun? Nope. Just taking a breather from a busy day of protesting against that evil dictator George Bush and his nefarious Twinkie conspiracy. Did you know Twinkies were an inside job?

Regardless, I thought to myself, has anyone taken the time to recognize the beautiful women of Code Pink? Anyone? No. So why shouldn't your humble blog author post something dedicated to these resplendent women that are so under-appreciated.

For example, this young woman is obviously SO self-confident that she doesn't need things likes showers, shampoo, conditioner, soap, reasonably fashionable clothes and other such bourgeoisie impediments to expressing herself in an original and odoriferous way.

For those looking for talent, notice her ability to apply a marker to a large piece of construction paper. She even owns a set of markers with at least four colors! A better catch I've never seen. Seriously!

Well not until our next competitors....

Is that Benjamin Franklin? Nope. The Crypt Keeper? Nope. Just another proud C.P. member out for an exciting day on the town. Her shirt says it all, she is a woman of strong passions and even stronger passions. This one is a real catch guys!

Now the Talent Portion of Our Competition...

Here we see another gorgeous "womyn" engaging in what appears to be witchcraft- causing a hoop to float suspended in the air around her hips. If not witchcraft, perhaps the levitating force has something to do with the flux capacitor shaped veins in her forehead (you are forewarned from clicking on the enlarge button). Why did you click on the button?!
I warned you. Well, too late, you'll never get the image out of your head now. Live with it. Oh you didn't click the button? Then here is a close-up of the secret of her spectacular powers- the flux capacitor.

These Pinkos are incredibly talented. Here we see one singing the national anthem of her favorite country- China. Listen to the dulcet tones guided by her mellifluous voice. Indeed the American Idol stage never saw such talented pipes!

And to think how a woman like this has time to do all this protesting despite all the gentleman callers she must have lined up around the block for her fair hand. Truly amazing.

Here we have one that seems quite proud of her down home arts and crafts. She has applied all her best efforts for a whole week to create a peace sign from duct tape. Of all the uses for duct tape, I never thought it could be used to such brilliant ends. Perhaps she has some left over for her mouth? I doubt we should be so lucky.

Their Significant Others

I was able to obtain some pictures of the kind of men attracted to the code pink ladies. As you can see, in the first case (picture to your right) this seems a problematic attraction as both have naughty parts that are either neglected or used in a manner separate from their intended meaning. Never the twain of these two shall meet. Well except at a peace march screaming, "Bush Lied!" In that one instance they could come together, but otherwise, nope.

Our second specimen is all about some Code Pink ladies. Here is a straight man interested in...oh, wait a minute. Well here is a man who will...maybe not. Well here is a person who hangs around peace circles to enjoy the sweet fiddle's music and show off his homemade cut-off jeans and mid-riff displaying anti-war shirt.

Well if you've recovered from this incredible display of machismo and studliness maybe we can move on? Not ready. Okay, one more glance, but that's it!

Okay, as I was saying...

Here is a whole gaggle of them. Guys, this is your chance! Don't let a single one of these beauties get away. Especially the one on the bottom right. She is apparently too poor to afford a shirt, so she probably needs a man with money.

2007-10-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

Things that Made me Laugh Today

1. Hillary Clinton meets a Constitutional limit she agrees with.

"If elected president in 2008, Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton would consider giving up some of the executive powers President Bush and Vice President Cheney have assumed since taking office.

In an interview published Tuesday in Guardian America, a Web site run by the London-based Guardian newspaper, Clinton denounced the Bush Administration's push to concentrate more power in the White House as a "power grab" not supported by the Constitution." (1)

2. Search "original thought" on Google Images and You'll see this...

3. Can't wait to Go #2?!

"If you're stuck in traffic when Mother Nature calls, Japan's Kaneko Sangyo Co. has developed the loo for you.

The manufacturer of plastic car accessories drew back the curtain on Tuesday on its new portable toilet for cars.

The toilet comes with a curtain large enough to conceal users and a plastic bag to collect waste." [2]

Collecting "human waste" you say? Sounds like good times! Where do I sign up?

2007-09-26T19:09:00.000-07:00

The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name, Part Two?!

Have you been watching the news lately? Reading the paper? It would be hard to miss the 24/7 love fest and traveling "happy" roadshow of Chavez and Mahmoud. So what does this mean? Aside from competition for the two Johns (living in their two Americas) there is an amazing story of love here. Read on and find out.

What is love without the ability to share a joke together? There is nothing like the feeling of being in a room surrounded by strangers and telling a joke that only you and your intimately connected partner share. Look at all the dour faces behind these two. Obviously these other men aren't in on the joke.

I will leave you to wonder what Mahmoud's cryptic hand gesture means. Please keep your mind out of the gutter.

After that special inside joke, why not share an embrace? A way to show that despite your government's persecution of homosexuals you aren't afraid to have a little skin-on-skin contact with another man. Especially a man as "fleshy" and passionate at Der fuhrer Hugo Chavez.

Sure, in Iran this kind of action might earn you death, but here in the West you can let your hair down, unbutton your cheap suit, and give a big 'ol hug to your partner without concern. Isn't freedom grand?

Okay, you dared to hug, so why not take it a step further? Is it a game of g*y chicken or a real intimate moment between petty dictators? Well, that's your call. Hey, why not vote on it in the comments section.

And what to do on your afternoons together in New York? Why not catch a show? Even better, why not take part in a Village People show? After all you already own the neat little construction worker hats.

Is it just me or do these two hold hands a lot? Don't trust me?! Fine. Check Google Images when you search for these two and tell me what you find

But before you head out be certain to make sure that your partner looks good. Whether it is combing their hair, cleaning out their scraggly beard, or pinning on that corsage just right.

Sweet, isn't it?

...

...

...

Okay, if there is anything "happier" (read g*yer) than embracing heartily in front of a larger than life image of the two of you holding hands with big cheesy smiles, please let me know. I mean it.

Gosh, this image makes me laugh so hard I can barely type.

This reminds me of something else, what is it?

hmmm....
hmmmm.....
hmmmmm.....

Oh yeah, that's it!

2007-09-23T15:17:00.001-07:00

Why Bill O'Reilly Makes My Stomach Sour...

Coming next week. Come back in a few days and find out why I can't watch the O'Reilly factor without throwing up in my mouth a little. Yeah, I agree with Bill O'Reilly sometimes, but hey, I agree with Bill Clinton sometimes.

Want a clue why I have such a strong distaste for the O'Reilly factor? Because he is an philosophically inconsistent statist windbag who thinks that raising his voice to the highest level in the room equates to winning an argument. Stay tuned for more.

Oh, and before I go, one warning. For my Republican readers I want to state emphatically. O'Reilly is NO FRIEND to real conservatives! Beware.

2007-09-08T15:04:00.000-07:00

My previous post about all the horrible things George W. Bush is responsible for was a parody, today's post is for real. I mean it this time. This time I am ONLY posting things that REAL people have blamed G.W. for with a straight face. No parodies, no jokes, and not even a little pun. This is 100% non-fiction stuff this time around.

Let's start with the easy ones. George W. Bush is Responsible for...

9/11

"I am forced to conclude that 9/11 was at a minimum allowed to happen as a pretext for war [...] and I am forced to conclude that there is sufficient evidence to indict (not necessarily convict) Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and others of a neo-conservative neo-Nazi coup d’etat and kick-off of the clash of civilizations [...]. Most fascinatingly, the author links Samuel Huntington, author of “Clash of Civilizations” with Leo Strauss, the connecting rod between Nazi fascists and the neo-cons." [1] Scary, isn't it?

Hurricane Katrina
"Divers inspecting the ruptured levee walls surrounding New Orleans found something that piqued their interest: Burn marks on underwater debris chunks from the broken levee wall!

One diver, a member of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, saw the burn marks and knew immediately what caused them. When he surfaced and showed the evidence to his superior, the on-site Coordinator for FEMA stepped-in and said "You are not here to conduct an investigation as to why this rupture occurred, but only to determine how best to close it." The FEMA coordinator then threw the evidence back into the water and said "You will tell no one about this...

...If these allegations prove true, the ruptured levee which flooded New Orleans was a deliberate act of mass destruction perpetrated by someone with access to military-grade UNDERWATER high explosives." [2] Someone like George Bush?! [Cue evil music: DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNN!]

Paid for an ex-girlfriend to have an abortion (straight from
that font of truth, Larry Flynt)

"Yes. We got a tip that in 1971 George Bush, who was not married at that time, was -- had gotten a girl pregnant and had sought an abortion for her, and -- we took this investigation very seriously. First of all, not because of the abortion, because I'm pro-choice, you know. He was a young man, was not married at the time, and, you know, who knows, was probably even pro-choice. I know he hasn't always been pro-life...." [3]

I think I found something to confirm Flynt's story. Check out this picture showing Bush's dislike for young children. Eerie, huh?

In League with the Saudi's AND Al Qaeda?

"One has to wonder when George W. said, 'You're either with us or against us' - just exactly who he meant by 'us.' 'Us' is beginning to look like a Bush-Saudi-Al Qaeda conspiracy, especially when one includes the well-known business ties between George H. W. Bush, James Baker, and the Bin Laden family through the infamous Carlyle Group." [4]

Will Take Away a Woman's Right to Choose

"If Bush is reelected women are going to loose their right to choose, Roe vs. Wade will be overturned, women will not be able to control their own bodies. I think that that is unfortunate and wrong, most people do." [5]

Wants to Make/Keep Women Barefoot and Pregnant in the Kitchen

"So, I have this theory that President George W. Bush is trying to send us ladies back into the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.

Think about it. Women can't get insurance coverage for birth control if they work for the government, but men can get coverage for Viagra, according to Planned Parenthood. Birth control is used for more than contraception., it can be used to regulate cycles or to dissipate cysts. Viagra is just for impotent men, for pleasure, not for medical issues." [6]

Stole the 2000 Election

"WESH, the CBS-TV affiliate in Central Florida, ran a story this week that explains how simple it was to hack Florida's Diebold voting machines in 2000, which is exactly how Bush was able to claim he "won" that state-- and hence the national election-- even though he had far fewer votes than Al Gore, the man who actually was elected President in 2000." [7]

Stole the 2004 Election
"After carefully examining the evidence, I've become convinced that the president's party mounted a massive, coordinated campaign to subvert the will of the people in 2004. Across the country, Republican election officials and party stalwarts employed a wide range of illegal and unethical tactics to fix the election." [8]

The really sad part of this, the guy above admits he knows this grand conspiracy theory is kind of crazy when he writes, "Republicans derided anyone who expressed doubts about Bush's victory as nut cases in ''tinfoil hats,'' while the national media, with few exceptions, did little to question the validity of the election." Gee I wonder wonder why? Let me guess. Were you going to say that they are all BushCo. pawns? Geesh.

Reads Books Upside Down

"A week or two ago somebody posted a cool picture of the idiot Bush reading to some schoolchildren and holding the book upside down. I'm pretty sure it was posted on dc.indymedia but I just can't find that picture anywhere now. Does somebody have it? Can you please post the link?" [9]

I wonder why someone too stupid to use Google to search for a rather easy to find photo forgery, would call Bush an "idiot"?

Racist, Who Refused to Sell his Home to Blacks

"Texas governor and Republican presidential candidate, George W. recently sent waves through the Black community following a discovery that a Dallas house he sold in 1995 carries a racial covenant, which restricts the sale of the house to white people only. Bush and his wife, Laura, bought the house in 1988. How is this legal? It isn't." [10]

Gosh, sometimes I wish this stuff wasn't so true. Certainly we can blame Bush that someone put a racist restrictive covenant into the deed decades ago. HA!

MORE TO COME... Please feel free to suggest ideas and links to crazy wild ideas about evil things G.W. has done.

2007-09-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

Things G.W. Bush is Responsible for [Feel free to Add to this in the comments section]

CRIMES

9/11
Corruption in politics.
Nude pictures of Hillary Clinton online (Don't look, just trust me.)
The horrible smear campaign that seeks to paint Ryan Seacrest as being "gay."
Michael Vick's dog fighting ring AND the much less well known. cock-fighting ring run by the two Johns- yeah, I went there.
The assassination of Robert F. Kennedy.

ODDITIES

The chupacabra.
The socks missing from your dryer.
Alien UFOs.
The black helicopters.
That dwarf in the book club who steals your ideas.
Sanjaya staying on American Idol for far too long.
That ridiculous little girl in the audience who cried for Sanjaya.
Paula Abdul's strange mood shifts and odd on camera behavior
Crop circles.
Faux-Hawks.
AND the cancellation of MST3K - what an evil despot he truly is!

MISC.

Idiots who name their three legged dog tripod (come on, that is so uncreative).
The Patriot Act.
The movie Patriot Games.
Beyonce's humongous ego.
MLB playing something like 1,000 games per season (reducing the value of winning any one game to about the worth of a rusty old penny covered in cow dung).
The following sports teams: The Yankees (if you are a Red Sox fan), the Red Sox (if you are a Yankees fan), the Dallas Cowboys, and the L.A. Lakers.

General Faults

G. W. Bush is a ...

Racist
Homophobe
Clownophobe
Heterosexist
Somnologist
Ablutophobe
Rich white guy who hates poor black people
Undercover reptile overlord

Feel free to add your own in the comments section. I will come back and update based on the information you guys share with me.

2007-09-01T18:43:00.000-07:00

The Complete Blockhead's Guide on How to Know when the Black Helicopters are Coming for You... [WARNING: this post includes midgets, Lohans, Asian people, and incoherent ramblings]

Do you believe that unbelievably complex and intricate conspiracies exist all over the globe? Do you spend your nights in fear of Karl Rove's mind control machine figuring out a way to penetrate your carefully constructed aluminum foil hat? Have you ever taken a simple incident with a perfectly rational explanation and turned it into a complex flow chart that makes advanced Newtonian physics seems like a child's play? Lastly, have you ever used the words, "9/11 was an inside job!"? If you answered yes to any of the above questions then you are just the kind of blockhead this book was written for.

The first thing any good conspiracy theorist needs in order to ascertain whether the government is out to get them is an overly complex flowchart that would bewilder the rational mind of an unbeliever. Your chart, ideally, should be so complex as to confuse the authorities, should it turn out they have tiny cameras planted in your home, or even a microchip implanted in one of your butt cheeks that reads your thoughts. Check the left one, they seem to prefer that cheek- primarily because the right wing conspiracy machine has a sense of humor. But I digress.

Your flow chart should have at least a dozen different levels and at least 100 individuals. Don't let highly tentative and tangential linkages between these figures throw you astray. Trust that the link are there and find them- make them up if necessary. Did these people ever shake hands? Do they own the same kind of dog? These are the things you must know to determine if they are after you.

Now that your chart is in order, you must find an event
to be angry and bitter about. I know that this approach
seems backwards, but trust me, you can make anything
work if you are willing to take the time. And trust me,
you have the time.

But let's begin where every good conspiracy theory begins, with a member of the Bush administration. I chose Dick Cheney. Why? Well because there are more pictures of him online than Karl Rove, and I get to giggle a bit because his first name is "Dick." I know, one of these days I will grow up, but for now, let me have these small pleasures.

But now we must give Dick Cheney something to do that menaces the free world. let us think on this. I got it! Now I will cleverly insert G. W. Bush into our conspiracy theory. After all, he is responsible for every bad thing that happens in this world, right? I thought so.

So what is he doing to this young girl? Hugging her? No, that is the kind of simple explanation unbelievers and the uninitiated would fall for. It is obvious to us enlightened conspiracy theorists that he is clearly suffocating her with some kind of noxious poison stored in his underarm region. Want to take it a step further? Maybe Bush is a alien reptile in disguise planted by the WTO and the Trilateral Commission and he actual secretes a poisonous gas from his armpits. Actually, that is brilliant, I am sticking with that one.

So what good is a conspiracy without a cast of supporting characters- both big and small. It all begins with these two Chinese folks. Well, they aren't really Chinese. That's right, you saw through their clever disguises. They are really two interstellar arms dealers who helped to rig the 2000 election to put G.W. "Reptile Alien" Bush into power. That thumbs up signal is their indication of victory on the announcement of the Supreme Court decision in Bush v. Gore.

But who financed this operation? None other than that evil diabolical corporation Halliburton. Yes, through this unnamed young woman, they pass funds to George Bush to support his phony war on terror.

Now this is the part of this book where you do some work to build your skills in detecting conspiracies. Answer the following questions:

(1) What is the relationship between the young woman in the Halliburton photo to the young woman G. W. Bush is suffocating? (2) What is the real problem that G. W. is trying to distract us from with the clever diversionary tactic known as the Iraq war, part deux?

Take your time to answer those questions (and feel free to post your answers in the comments section). Now don't read further until you answered, as I posted the answers below...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

Done? Good.

So what was the relation between these two girls?

If you answered that the girl in George Bush's arms is a renegade clone of the Halliburton girl you would be correct. As we all know the government has perfected cloning technology and is using it to make copies of all of us. The reason Bush is suffocating that poor clone is that she threatened to reveal the real reason for his diversionary war in Iraq.

So beware that when you answer question two, you might face a similar fate. Whoops, I probably should have warned you. Oh well.

So what is the REAL answer to question two?

Nothing less than to ruin the career of noted thespian Lindsey Lohan. How you ask? Well, they were responsible for all of the following: her father's alcoholism, sending her father to jail, her horrible first album (her manager and producers were both government plants), I Know Who Killed Me AND Georgia Rule (The directors of both...you guessed it, government operatives), the alcohol in her system the night she was ticketed for a DUI, the cocaine found in her jeans (they were an old pair of G.W.'s blue jeans), and lastly they have completely infiltrated the rehab center and are secretly turning her into the next Manchurian Candidate/movie star. They plan to have her assassinate Hillary Clinton at a Hollywood fund raiser. Clever, aren't they.

But NOT clever enough since we both know us C.T.'s (Conspiracy Theorists) can see through their nefarious plots. But, if we are to really earn our keep, we must uncover every level of this horrible plots. So let's go back to the beginning and look at this step by step...

1. The above pictured alien interstellar arms dealers posing as Chinese folks rigged the 2000 election.

2. The unknown girl secretly funnels money from Halliburton to G.W. and his administration in exchange for them creating a clone she can use for spare body parts in another 30 years.

3. Said clone escapes her evil government captors and reveals the plot to this cyclops known only by the code name "Double Vision."
The cyclops then goes on to reveal the plot to yet another person...

....

....

4. The cyclops revealed the plot to this person of small stature who was in reality a quintuple agent. This diabolical little person (you can't say midget anymore you insensitive right-wing conspiracy buffs out there) was/is working for the Russians, the Chinese, the Reptile people of Bornak, the Ghost of Orson Wells, and finally the Dutch. His true allegiance lies with only one of those parties, and that party is the Dutch.

Yeah, you guessed it, those Hollanders are at it again. Sore over the loss of their empire and trade routes back in the seventeenth century they have been secretly plotting ever since. And this little person is their main operative.

5. Who did that little mulleted man pass the information to? None other than the Spanish Inquisition. Why the Spanish Inquisition? [By now you should know where this joke is going] Because no one ever suspects the Spanish Inquisition!

...

6. And just what did
he tell the Spanish Inquisition? He divulged to them this highly intelligent and witty way to secretly send messages to the undercover (in deep) operatives tasked with the job of ruining Lindsey Lohan's career. Brilliant isn't it? While the message might appear clear on it's face- or even its cheek. To understand the message you must jumble the letters and plug them into your secret decoder ring to discover that "Bush Go Home" really means, "Have Lindsey Spend More time with [her mother] Dina."

Eerie, isn't it? The precision which can be expressed on two butt cheeks by the world wide Bush/Cheney/ Halliburton cabal. But before we go further we must disclaim that Dina Lohan's poor parenting skills aren't her fault. No. They are the result of the evil influences of Karl Rove and his mind control device- created with financial support from (you guessed it) Halliburton. I told you this conspiracy was complex.

But like any good conspiracy theorist, you know that you are at the center of the BushCo. evil plot. Yup, that's right. When others call your fears narcissistic lunatic ramblings, I feel and understand your pain. Why? Because we both know you are right. The evil BushCo. cabal IS out to get YOU! But how? Well you'll be surprised when I tell you...

They [BushCo.] have figured out a way NOT ONLY to neutralize the special properties in your aluminum foil hat that block out the evil alien mind controls rays, but ALSO to AMPLIFY them! That's right. The tin foil hat you thought would protect your from Rove's dirty tricks is actually ONE of Rove's dirty tricks. Oh, those guys are SO evil!

So get those tin foil hats off right now! Good. Or is it? Maybe this whole post was just a BushCo. plot to get you to take off your tin foil hat. But relax, even if it was, you've given the Rovian mind control machine enough time to control your thoughts. So just sit back and enjoy the easy listening music. Welcome to the team.

2007-08-25T17:59:00.001-07:00

Hi, my name is Mahmoud Admadinejad. I know it is hard to pronounce so you guys can just call me "Spanky." After all that is what my Iranian school yard chums nicknamed me.

Listen, I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I'm not all that bad of a guy. Sure the Bush administration is out to paint me as a tyrant and a fascist, but hey, we all know he is really the evil one. Right? Good, now that we have the pleasantries aside, I have some important things to talk about with you, the American people.

If you've been too busy ogling scantily clad women in the streets of your American cities you might not have noticed that I've been spending some time with Russian President Vladimir Putin. But our alliance isn't about taking over the West or usurping America's place in the world, and it isn't even about how good "Vladi"looks without his shirt off.

Umm, not that I've noticed or anything...I just...err...we were just attending this Democratic debate and well...don't ask, don't tell.

The point is you've been misled by your leaders- President Bush and that doughy guy whose name I always forget, is it Karl Cheney? Dick Roving? They want to take your attention off the real enemies that all of us- East and West, U.S. and Iran- share. That is why I am writing you today.

The following people are a threat to both the U.S. and the Islamic Republic of Iran....

Public Enemy #5 (Yes my letter is also a cheesy count down list, so sue me)

I know this guy's wife has breast cancer, but I have to wonder if at some point in the past he had testicular cancer. Why do I ask that question? Well because it appears, at least to my well trained Iranian eyes, that he has no balls. He puts his non-hajib covered wife out in public to do all his dirty work. I mean, what kind of cowardice is this? When I want to declare how I will wipe Israel off the map, I don't send Mrs. Admadinejad out there to say it for me. I step up to the podium, breath deeply the dung infested air of my sweet homeland, and shout it in the evil Zionists' collective face.

Until he grows a pair, he shall remain on my list.

Public Enemy # 4

I might be from Iran where the camels' behinds look tempting and the women's faces look like a camel's behind, but even to me this guy is ugly. And I don't mean plain ol' he makes me sick to my stomach ugly. I mean, lock up the kids, hide the livestock, and cover your eyes, someone has opened the Arc of the Covenant ugly.

I heard somewhere that one of your American whores...I mean women...married this man? Is this true? If so I guess Allah could not punish her anymore, so maybe she deserves an after life. If only women had souls.

Public Enemy #3

With this guy talking about closing down the internet and outlawing Christianity, he is starting to make me look open minded. And NO ONE makes Mahmoud look open-minded.

Although, I must admit I am curious (and not in the same way Elton was at one point) why this homosexual infidel is so closed minded? After all, doesn't he know that here in the glorious Peoples Republic of Iran he would be the recipient of all the stones he could carry home. In case you didn't know, in Iran we have a very generous policy toward homosexuals. When we find them we give them a proper Koranic stoning. Sorry, that is an inside joke among me and my not-so revolutionary guard.

Public Enemy # 2

This guy drives me crazy. When is he going to say something of substance? I mean, I don't run around saying "We all need to be empowered to achieve our goals" and other vague happy-feel-good guru crap like that, I just say, "We will annihilate the Zionist oppressors!"

I would rather read a book by that pudgy infidel Dr. Phil than sit through another Obama speech. And that says a lot, because here in Iran we hate Dr. Phil. A fat guy selling a weight loss book, that is such an infidel thing to do.

Public Enemy #1

Oh goodness, these guys stand for everything I hate. I bet Dr. Phil is under one of those hoods!

Well thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Hopefully we now have a better understanding of each other. I hope you know that I don't desire to rule the whole world- just most of it. And my nuclear ambitions are entirely peaceful- what? No, I so did not have my fingers crossed when I said that. Whatever.

2007-08-21T18:53:00.000-07:00

Coming Soon: The Republican Candidates: Contenders, Pretenders, or Dead-enders.

And: How to Know When the Black Helicopters are Coming for You!

2007-08-15T09:14:00.000-07:00

Bush Derangement Syndrome is a serious illness. Luckily, it is only contagious among those with weak minds- those with normal mental function aren't at serious risk. Yet, it is still beneficial to know the symptoms of B.D.S. Knowing how to identify a B.D.S sufferer can often mean the difference between preserving your valuable time and wasting several hours in vain attempts at dialogue.

What should you look for?

Symptom #1. Although not all B.D.S. sufferers present in the same way, some cases are apparent from even a distance. Your first and most obvious clue are the ridiculously over-sized props. Whether it be G.W. masks, globes, or crowns- the B.D.S. sufferer seems to enjoy props that are disproportionately large. Notice how a class room size globe wouldn't suffice for this man to the left. Instead he has a globe the size of a swiss ball.

This desire for disproportionate props also permeates their thought patterns. For the B.D.S. sufferer, President Bush, isn't just a bad president, he doesn't simply make bad choices. No. In their mind Bush is evil (and not just regular old evil, but the kind of evil pronounced E-e-e-e-v-v-v-i-i-i-i-l-l-l-l-l-l!). Spend enough time among them and you will find that almost all of those afflicted with B.D.S. will eventually compare Bush and Hitler.

WARNING: Do not attempt to discuss the actual merits of their claim(s). Such discussions will only lead to you being labeled a fascist.

Symptom #2. B.D.S. often causes the carrier to go on and on about peace. This, in and of itself, isn't problematic. However, if you engage them in conversation about achieving peace, their response will almost always be nonsensical and borderline insane. For example, when asked how to obtain peace in our world, the B.D.S. afflicted might say any of the following:

"You can't hug your child with nuclear arms"; "No wars for oil";
"Shoplift for peace"; or even "How dare you ask that you fascist!"

Symptom #3. Their wild ideas about shoplifting to achieve peace are only rivaled by their borderline loony belief in almost any conspiracy theory that alleges G.W. Bush masterminded insidious plot X. X can be anything from hurricane Katrina to 9/11. Even without wild conspiracies, they routinely blame any bad occurrence, mundane or extreme, on G.W. In private B.D.S. carriers are known to blame President Bush for problems ranging from poor penmanship to impotence.

Symptom #4. This balding guy to the left is none other than Karl Rove. Despite his paunchy middle aged harmless white guy look, B.D.S. causes its victims to see this man as the mastermind behind all evil in the world.

It has been reported that some severe cases actually believe that Karl Rove has a mind control device hidden in the White House which he uses to brainwash the masses. However, to avoid the influence of its harmful Republican rays you need only wear one of these special hats shown to the right. Admittedly the model shown here is quite pricey and only available to the likes of George Soros, but you can make your own by simply folding over a sheet of tin foil several times.

Symptom #5. B.D.S. severely addles the brain leading
to a decrease in vocabulary and a preference toward vulgar language. Combined with their acute loss of any semblance of a sense of humor, the effects can
be devastating. B.D.S. causes people who might otherwise be rational to become venom spewing Daily Kos/Huffington Post automatons. Attempts to engage them in dialogue are useless- not because they can't be convinced otherwise, but because daring to disagree with them will incur their wrath. If you do attempt to dialogue be prepared to deal with near endless streams of profanity, multiple (and incorrect) uses of the term "fascist," and the words "BushCo.," "Halliburton," and "9/11 was an inside job."

I hope this brief listing of some of the symptoms of B.D.S. helps you to prepare for any and all unavoidable encounters with these poor souls. However, if you wish to see them confront logic for a brief moment I encourage you to ask them these questions:

"Is Bush stupid? [They will invariably answer yes, and maybe call him "shrub."]
"Is he the mastermind behind 9/11? [They will most likely tell you, yes, he was.]
Now ask, "How can such a stupid man contrive and pull off the biggest and most ridiculously complex conspiracy in the history of the world?"
Sit back and watch for a second as the hamster spins his wheel furiously inside their skull, but don't get too excited, because soon enough they will simply blurt out, "Karl Rove!"

2007-08-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

COMING NEXT...

Bush Derangement Syndrome- The latest illness to sweep the nation. Could you be a carrier?

Exercise caution. With a little knowledge you too can spot a B.D.S. carrier before it is too late. But be warned, B.D.S. strikes indiscriminately. Being young or beautiful or even tenured university faculty doesn't mean you can't catch this horrid intellectually crippling disease. Stay tuned for more...

2007-08-10T06:40:00.001-07:00

As you all know by now, the Democratic candidates took part in a debate sponsored by a GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, and Trans-gender) group and broadcast on a cable channel targeted toward the GLBT crowd. Surprising isn't it? Apparently there is no interest group too small that Democratic candidates won't show up for a debate in their very own special forum (unless that interest group is people who watch Fox News- screw them!). The GLBT community did their part by tuning into the debate on the gayest cable channel available (and I don't mean Lifetime).

The debate opened with a loud round of applause when noted homosexual singer Elton John asked the candidates, "What are you going to do about organized religion that promotes hatred and spite against gays?"

Barrack Obama stated that he would meet with evangelical leaders who promoted anti-gay spite.

Presidential front-runner, Hillary Clinton, called Obama's comments irresponsible and instead suggested that her administration would not be used as a tool for propaganda purposes, while agreeing that "we need to get back to diplomacy."

The next question came from the cast of the long since canceled childrens' television show, Teletubbies. One character who identified himself as Tinky Winky asked Senator Edwards what he would do about the lack of Gay characters on television.

To which Edwards responded, "I am really not comfortable around you. But if I must answer your question, what more could I do? I mean you folks already have Will & Grace reruns, Queer Eye, Ellen reruns AND the Ellen day time talk show, Friends, and that L-word show."

Edwards comments were greeted with boos from the mostly leather clad audience.

In an attempt to circumvent the debate's one question per person rule, Sir Elton snuck back in disguised as noted cartoon character Donald Duck. A cartoon character who, aptly enough, routinely dressed in a sailor suit. Weirdly appropriate, eh?

Sir Elton, due to his status in the Gay community was allowed another question. He used this last opportunity to ask, "Will you consider closing down the internet?"

Rep. Kucinich fielded the question, responding, "Under my proposed socialist government Americans can expect less freedom, and that includes government control over the internet."

A representative of the Teacher's Union was next to the microphone. In a slow and halting voice he asked, "More money, me want. Give me more!"

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson replied, "Thank you for asking such a thoughtful question. As you know I support a nationwide mandate that would require all states to pay even the most incompetent teachers fresh out of college $40,000 a year [BTW I wish I was making this part up]."

Unsatisfied with such a low amount of pay for America's [gay] teachers the crowd hissed with anger. Picking up on this Senator Dodd promised to pay all teachers, "One Mil-l-l-l-l-l-l-i-i-o-n dollars."

Soon thereafter it was discovered that yet again Elton had snuck in, but this time we was accompanied by his long time partner. Both men came dressed in military uniforms. As they were both escorted out, one can only guess what question they had in mind.

This blogger thinks it probably dealt with gays in the military. Specifically, would gays in the military be allowed to use the internet. Sadly, as he wasn't allowed to ask his question we will never know how the Democratic candidates would have responded.

As what might be affectionately and accurately dubbed "the gayest debate ever" drew to a close vaunted superhero Captain Gay approached the microphone. He voiced his concern regarding the portrayal, or lack thereof, of gay superheroes in the mainstream media.

John Edwards refused to answer his question- as the site of a gay man wearing only a cape was far too creepy for his boyish eyes to bear.

Senator Clinton took this chance to promise more superheroes like Colossus, Wiccan, Batwoman, and Catwoman. She went on to propose "tax incentives for Stan Lee and other comic book writers to include more gay characters in comic books." Even this very gay crowd was already tired and responded with only mild applause.

The last question of the night came from two representatives of the Los Angeles gay Asian community. Both men were concerned with the limited availability of full bodied g-string bathing suits (as seen in the picture to the right).

Senator Obama affirmed their concerns when he responded, "I've seen that Borat movie, and it left me with the same question. Where can I get one of those full bodied G-string bathing suits? I looked everywhere, from Victoria's Secret to Wal-mart, but to no avail. This is clearly a case of anti-gay discrimination and you can trust it will be remedied by my administration."

The debate was over, but before I could ask the attendees for their opinions almost everyone had left the building. I say almost because I was able to find this gay man in the parking lot outside the convention center.

When asked about the debate he muttered, "Wham! Those were the days."

[This post brought to you by the brilliant mind (and body) behind the Total Transformation Challenge.]

2007-08-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

Continuation of a Meme posted on TotalTransformation...(Go there for the details of why this weird guys photo is posted on this blog)...

Well wouldn't you know I struck gold with my first hit on Google Images. Meet John "Kaiser" McKay.

John "Kaiser" McKay is the only man in the history of Scotland to have a LIFETIME restraining order placed against him by a Scottish court. Why would this obviously fine upstanding citizen have a lifetime restraining order? Good question.

The Edinburgh News has this to say:

"Over the years, McKay has built up a notorious reputation for repeatedly assaulting and threatening store and restaurant staff, shoppers, residents and tourists in the city centre. He has also attacked police and paramedics and hurled racist abuse at passers-by. In 1998, McKay was sentenced to five years in jail for a vicious bottle attack at The Mound, which left his victim with a gaping eight-centimetre neck wound.

Police and council chiefs built up a dossier of violence and disorder carried out by McKay, whose infamy earned him the nicknames of "Kaiser" and "King of the Beggars", reflecting his status among the city's street drinkers and beggars." [1]

No offense to the Scottish, but to be labeled as the worst among Scottish drinkers is saying a lot- hear me soccer hooligans? Yeah, sure, his given last name isn't really Kaiser, but when you find someone like this you can make exceptions.

2007-08-08T18:25:00.000-07:00

Fellow blogger Ed Darrell took issue with my last post, stating:

"It's a sure shot that no one can ever approach George W. Bush as a genuine friend."

Well I don't know about that, since I've never met him. But I do know that he isn't unapproachable. Over on Google Images one can find plenty of photos of G.W. Bush sharing embraces with numerous people- politicians and us common folk alike. And in honor of Mr. Darrell, today I give you the Bush hug-a-thon.

"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you[.]" Matthew 5:44.

Even after a hard fought primary (and some cheap tricks on his part), G.W. was gracious enough to share this hug with his arch-nemesis, John "straight talk express [to nowhere]" McCain. Admittedly, McCain seems to be more into this hug than G.W. After all, McCain is giving el presidente a gentle rub on his love handles. I guess they are aptly named, eh?

So, although not conclusive evidence that one can get close to him, it is a good start.

What about this? Here we have the word "hug" enacted as an uber-verb. This might qualify as the most awkward hug ever, but there is something vulnerable and beautiful about two men running at each other (I guess we missed the part where they ran through the field of daisies with arms out stretched) to complete the simple act of hugging. But we are left with many questions? Will there be ear-to-ear rubbing? Will their hips be kept at a proper distance? Will the hug be completed with a manly pat on the shoulder blades or a lingering lower back rub? Let's hope for the former.

Having conclusively proven that The E-v-i-l Emperor is quite approachable and "huggable," you might ask, "is there more"? Yes. Not only can this president hug, he can multi-task while hugging. Here we see him shaking hands with voters while hugging AND consoling an obviously distraught woman. Notice how he offers his shoulder to this woman, while offering the ear on the opposite side to a concerned gray haired man.

Ed, care to admit you were partially wrong? It appears that not only can you get close to him, he might even give you a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps Ed he would understand your sadness over the curriculum at religious schools? It's okay, you can tell G.W., it isn't like he will run and tell Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson- well definitely not the former.

It appears his crying-on shoulder is well used. Wait a minute,
is she crying, or is he involved in some nefarious BushCo.-Halliburton plot to silence anti-war protesters? Let's look closer.

Oh, goodness, maybe Ed was right. Possibly this is some evil BushCo.- Halliburton evil deed (since G.W. Bush is involved I had to use the word "evil" twice). Where is the HuffingtonPost when you need them? Won't The Nation come in and help this young girl suffering at the hands of Der Fuhrer Bush?

Wait, I suspect someone else behind this, or maybe two someones. Hmmm....who could have masterminded this? And no the answer isn't Karl Rove. The answer isn't Dick Cheney, I blame these guys....

Wait, I wasn't even going to go there, I swear. I was going to blame some other guys. But if these guys are here, might as well ask the question. Are these two behind the giant right-wing conspiracy? Are they controlling the strings of BushCo.?

More importantly, are they helping George Bush open up to "embracing" the common man? Have they taught him to open his cold Republican heart, and be a genuine friend?

Well judging by Google Images there are no documented hugs between Bush and Rove, or Bush and Cheney, but there is this one curious image...
...
...
...

What is this? Bush hugging an environmentalist, a union enabler, and a Democrat? Perhaps he did learn something from the two John's. Maybe, like the Grinch before him, his heart grew several sizes? I don't know for sure. But he seems willing to be approached and embrace even his adversaries. And as bad as the McCain-Bush hug above might be...(I'll wait while you scroll back up)...it is still nowhere near as creepy as this....
....
....
....
....

There is something very strange about this hug. Maybe it is the firm grasp Edwards has on Kerry's lower back (not his shoulder blade- the proper position for the hand during a man-on-man hug), or maybe it is the "aww shucks I've been waiting for this hug all my life Daddy" look on his oh so young and well groomed face. For me I think it is just that cap on his head that paints the whole situation in such a way that I search for the right word to describe this odd picture. But if a good picture is worth a thousand words, maybe I can replace an appropriate word, with an appropriate picture. For me, this hug (the one to the right...your other right) is about as manly as this....
...
...
...
Okay, maybe the above picture is an understatement. But it is the best I could do.

[Caveats: I am no Bush supporter- I reluctantly voted for the man in 2000 because the other choice was much worse. As far as I am concerned he is not even close to deserving the religious fundamentalist or a right-winger labels consistently applied to him by the press. If he did, I might actually support him. He is also no lover of the Constitution, instead, he is yet another statist set on bending our precious document to fit his ends.

Although, as of late, I find myself liking him less and less, I still refuse to be infected with that rather virulent disease known as B.D.S. (Bush Derangement Syndrome). Symptoms include ascribing every evil and tragedy in the world to G.W. Bush, imagining that Karl Rove has magical or even semi-magical powers, using the words "fascist" and/or "Halliburton" and/or "BushCo." more than a dozen times a day.....

You know what, I think I will just turn this subject into another post for later on in the week. Sorry to leave you hanging.]

2007-08-07T19:24:00.000-07:00

The Love that Dare Not Speak its Name...

Ironically this quote is taken from a poem by Oscar Wilde entitled "Two loves." A lot like two America's, eh? That won't be the last time you chuckle. For the tale of love and intimacy between these two men is strong and endearing to even the hardest and most frigid Republican heart. So enjoy these images that display to the world the love these two men had for each other. How far did this love go? You decide.

What is friend for if not comforting you when you need it most.
They understand your flaws and your strengths. They know when you are hurting and when you need a little pat on the back. And for that, they are so very special to you. When the weight of the world bears down on you, they say, "let me carry that burden." Sure, I had to take this crummy V.P. slot, but I care enough that I won't let that stand between us. They won't make the political personal, but they will make the personal imperative.

Your closeness may leave others questioning whether you are engaged in a game of gay chicken or an intimate moment? Let them wonder. Because, what this shows is two men comfortable enough with their metro-sexuality to let their lips get close enough to touching, when most mere mortal (and straight) men might cringe at the thought.

For why should societies conventions about two men being in such close proximity to one another restrain your deep bonds of....umm....friendship? It shouldn't. Societal norms are meant to be broken.

But, what makes that someone really special? They know when you just need a good hug. And they not only know instinctively that you need that hug, but they don't mind letting that hug linger and allowing a good ear-to-ear rub. For, what is a close and intimate hug without the ear-to-ear rub? Let the homophobic males hug with their hips kept well apart, and their heads separated by at least one inch- if not more. You are too good and too special to fall for that. So rejoice in your love. Let that hug linger, rub his back a little. There you go. What a beautiful site.

"Let us embrace, and from this very moment vow and eternal misery together." Thomas Otway, The Orphan.

And when others are around, what means more than quietly whispering sweet nothings in your best friends ear. Your conversations are too good for the rest of the world to share in, your secrets too private. So take pride in your conspiratorial sibilations (go ahead, look it up).

"...[I]n earthly life lovers long for the moment when they are able to breathe forth their love for each other, to let their souls blend in a soft whisper..." Soren Kierkegaard, 1843.

Ideally, your best friend should capture your admiration. Who cares if anyone else catches you admiring them with giddiness and joy. Relish his intelligence, delight in his wit, may his words ever enchant your puerile ears.

"This sort of adoration of the real,
Is but a heightening of the beau ideal."
Lord Byron, in Don Juan

And if your friend catches you smiling, all the better, so that he might know he is adored.

Yeah, sometimes you need some time away, even from your "bestest" buddy. Some time with the boys. Out in the wilderness, handling firearms, and shooting....umm....whatever that thing is.

And sometimes being a best friend means pretending you're interested in their day
and their crazy ideas about "two Americas." This often means putting your own troubles on the back burner, leaning back with an open posture, looking them in the eyes and saying, "How was your day?"

Sure, you might have to listen to a bunch of ramblings, but you can always just listen with a unipygic ear and deeply concerned eyes. You can take comfort in knowing that soon this too shall pass, and he will have fully unloaded his fears, concerns, and troubles on your shoulders. For that, your friendship will be all the stronger.

In all this time together, keep in mind always,
that your actions lead toward Victory. Sure the road may be hard, but eventually, together, you will taste the sweet ambrosia of the Gods.

"The problems of victory are more agreeable than the problems of defeat, but they are no less difficult." Winston Churchhill, 1942.

"Victory is gay only back home. Up front it is joyless." Marlene Dietrich, 1962. (Sorry, I couldn't resist).

And even if your actions don't lead toward victory there is always something more important

What is really important- no matter win or lose-
is going home together at the end of the day. Go ahead, walk off into that
brilliantly hued sunset together. Arm in arm, side-by-side, taking long
confident strides toward your future, together, as best of friends. For life
without friends like this isn't worth living.

"Two friends, two bodies with one soul inspir’d." Alexander Pope.

"Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them." Publius Syrus, 42 B.C.

For Walking through the trials of defeat has strengthened your ties, deepened your intimacy, and validated your eternal bond as B.F.F.'s (Best Friends Forever). You are a model for all man-to-man relationships.

[This post is a parody. Any and all fun poked at John Kerry and John Edwards was intended in jest.]

2007-08-07T06:18:00.000-07:00

News and Views...

Thomas Sowell shines light on the hard truth that events like the Minneapolis bridge collapse will happen again as long as politicians have poor incentives to act on serious matters, and greater incentives to buy votes and fund projects that the media will cover. Sowell writes:

"The real problem is that the political incentives are to spend the taxpayers' money on things that will enhance politicians' chances of getting re-elected.

There may be enough money available to maintain bridges and other infrastructure but that same money can have a bigger political pay-off if spent building something new instead of maintaining and repairing existing structures.

When money is spent building a new community center, a golf course, or anything that will be newsworthy, there will be ribbon-cutting ceremonies and the politicians who cut the ribbons can expect to see their pictures in the newspapers and on TV." [1]

Does kindness to animals imply kindness to humans? Dennis Prager makes the argument that while cruelty to animals often leads to cruelty to humans, the inverse isn't necessarily true. Kindness to animals doesn't mean kindness to humans. Any of you guys out there who have ever had a discussion with a P.E.T.A. member on any college campus know this already. The most interesting part of Prager's article is his discussion of Nazi laws AGAINST animal cruelty and their aversion to animal testing. These are the same Nazi's who performed medical testing on Jews in German concentration camps. So, apparently, not only were Jews subhuman, they weren't even worthy of the same treatment and protections as animals.

Israel Warns Against Travel in the Mid-East. Guess my travel plans are shot.

John Edward's = Phony?

"John Edwards, Man of The People, is a phony. And until I see an awful lot of stunning
evidence to the contrary, that impression is not likely to change."

Why does he think so? Well it appears that this gentleman got a chance to interact with Edwards several times and he claims that Edwards can turn on that "southern charm" like flipping on a light switch.

I met John Edwards back in 2000 (maybe it was 1999). He attended a local Wilmington Democratic Party meeting. I shook his hand once and it made my skin crawl. And no, it wasn't just because he was a trial lawyer. It was because something about him seemed so transparently fake. And before that night was over I had insulted him to his face. I think my comments included the terms "pompous wind-bag," "conceited and egotistical," and the word "slime" somewhere in there.

And how shall I leave you, my reader? How about a moment of Zen. Stare in wonder at this fat cat. Wait, I think the word fat is an understatement here. A severe understatement.

Wow, I wonder what they feed him. At least this makes me feel better about my obese cat. At least he isn't this cat. I would hate to see the food bills, much less the litter pan. Ick!

2007-08-07T05:17:00.000-07:00

My Frustration...

Well first of all I just learned that I wasn't supposed to tell you guys to click on the adds...whoops. So, my apologies to Google, I won't do it again.

Now, I am trying to add some Google Referrals to this blog, and it seems to be the most complex and annoying process ever. It won't display the referrals I want it to, and it keeps showing ads for some herpes treatment. Ewwwww.

So please bear with me as I get everything up and running.

2007-08-06T05:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, don't tell my wife I told you this...

If I wasn't a married man, or if polygamy was legal, I have to say that there is one woman on the news (both cable and network) that would certainly send my heart a flutter. Yeah, I know, I am phoning in this post, but that is fine. Can I get back to the topic of this post? Thanks. That one cable news woman is Robin Meade. Is this woman incredibly gorgeous or what? And if you said "or what," so help me you smart aleck!

And for those of you in this technological age that must have video, well here you go. I must warn you though, watching Robin Meade often results in the inability to watch other cable news programs. I mean, Shepard Smith is a nice enough guy, but given the choice between Shepard and Robin, is that even a choice? Sure she is probably liberal, but hey, no one is perfect.

Warning: Knee High Boots included in this Video

So radical Mormons, I have my fingers crossed that you get that whole polygamy thing recognized. Wait, on second thought, no matter how beautiful a woman is I must remember Raymond's fathers advice about dealing with more than one woman. Keep in mind I am paraphrasing here.

"If you are having problems with your wife you don't go out and get another woman. Now you just have two problems."

Then there is the sage advice of Al Bundy, when he answered a query from his wife asking whether he was cheating. Al looked her in the eyes and said:

"I don't want a second wife. A second T.V. yes. But a second wife, no way!"

Well, in that case, I guess I should go back to salivating over this.

Excuse me, but I am tearing up, this is so beautiful.